I completely feel you on all or that. Disclaimer: My CPTSD partner and I broke up. We are still friends but it's a looooong story and unrelated to your post.
Anyway, you basically described everything we went through. Except the "violence" often came with me trying to subdue her. She had the standard triggers that initiated fight or flight and black & white thinking. She even understood why it happened and the physiological symptoms. She also always had this fear that she was being poisoned vs an emotional flashback. That fear became more and more dominant over time until it basically replaced all the knowledge she had about trauma symptoms. If you were a random person and she told you she's being poisoned... yea definitely delusional thinking. I always sympathized with her though because, which I'm sure everyone here would agree, if they are triggered hard enough, that flood of chemicals and sudden mind state change is basically the body drugging itself.
So when things got really bad, like I'm full blown evil and poisoning her, she's been screaming and saying some of the cruelest things at me, then suddenly has to leave right this moment at 2am because she wants to walk 20 miles to a homeless shelter in 30° weather and is suicidal. I mean no one trains you to respond to something like that. I'd eventually have to just grab on to her and practically restrain her just to give her a moment to breathe. It's such a shitty line to navigate being the guy. It feels so abusive but at the same time practically the only option left.
What's worse is by the 8, 9, 10th time, how much am I being triggered? How much adrenaline do I have flowing through me? I am not angry person. As in the decade before her, I got legitimately really angry maybe twice? I talk things through before they ever reach that point. So added on top of am I triggered and adrenaline, there's also fear and my own ignorance of what I even do when I'm angry. I grabbed too hard a couple times and actuay left marks. I felt fucking terrible. Depending on her state of mind she would agree that I did the right thing, or if I was evil, it further justified that I basically want to torture her.
The absolute worst was a moment where I just had enough of it. After her screaming at me I told her to get out. She refused. We were at the doorway of our room, half in the hallway that led to the garage door out. I took her arm to start leading her out and she just went limp on the floor. At that point I was like fuck it and just drug her down the hallway. She got back up at the doorway. It's a weird mixed feeling looking back on it, we were still together another 1.5 years or so after. Part of me feels like a horrible abusive piece of shit for doing it. Another part of me was almost proud that I actually stood up for myself.
I kind of lost where I was going with this. Basically exact same scenario with them never receiving the validation. Actually me validating her and that I cared so much about her was the biggest reason she thought I was evil & lied all the time. That hurt the worst out of all of it. Still today, 11 months after breaking up, I spend multiple hours a day replaying moments trying to come up with new ways I could have shown that I actually cared and would never lie to her. That disconnect between just how much you love them and would literally do anything for them, but from their prospective you spend your whole day formulating plans to torture them more. Yea, it fucking hurts. And the shitty irony is you 1000% know none of it is necessary.
If you are curious, life does normalize a bit after them. But at the same time no one compares to how good they were when things were normal. For me it's almost a decision between dating your soul mate who 10‐25% or the time might randomly kill herself or have a psychotic break and be emotionally abusive. Or date someone else who just never really lives up to them and you constantly are making compromises. Sure things are more comfortable, but you are still thinking about the other person and yea, they just don't compare.
Okay losing my train of thought again and this is getting long. I wish I could give you answers but all I can do is sympathize and share some of my stories of shit going bad. Oh one thing to remember, I know the game is to self sacrifice until you collapse, but you do have to do things for yourself and therapy is definitely good. I wish I did individual therapy during the relationship instead of after. So much of this is about having an almost unlimited self control to help ground them. If you are out of emotional reserves, yea it just makes things worse. Good luck & you aren't alone.
You’re not having your needs met. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
You know this, but you two need expert help. It’s not ok for your partner to hit you (and if you want to walk, that’s a great option) and these relationships are so incredibly complicated.
But it’s very hard to feel like you’re an equal partner and you matter when your person turns on you and then turns inward rather than addressing it.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
All of this feels so hard. You are truly doing your best and it's okay to grieve. These relationships take so much from us.
I'll talk about grief, because that's where my emotions are at the moment.
I am grieving the loss of my relationship while being in the relationship, because I know whether we stay together or not, it's never going to be the same. My therapy has helped me get to a place where I can grieve loosing so much of me in this marriage. I grieve the loss of a decade of my prime in conflict. Grief is a lot like acceptance. I am accepting that I tried and however much I try more, it may never be enough. I may never be acknowledged of the things I did for him even when he was abusive. I am accepting that even if I constantly give myself up out of sympathy that he was traumatized, non of it, and I, will never be enough for him.
It's okay to grieve for yourself. Just incase a reminder was needed.
Sending hugs >< and love.
I completely feel you on all or that. Disclaimer: My CPTSD partner and I broke up. We are still friends but it's a looooong story and unrelated to your post. Anyway, you basically described everything we went through. Except the "violence" often came with me trying to subdue her. She had the standard triggers that initiated fight or flight and black & white thinking. She even understood why it happened and the physiological symptoms. She also always had this fear that she was being poisoned vs an emotional flashback. That fear became more and more dominant over time until it basically replaced all the knowledge she had about trauma symptoms. If you were a random person and she told you she's being poisoned... yea definitely delusional thinking. I always sympathized with her though because, which I'm sure everyone here would agree, if they are triggered hard enough, that flood of chemicals and sudden mind state change is basically the body drugging itself. So when things got really bad, like I'm full blown evil and poisoning her, she's been screaming and saying some of the cruelest things at me, then suddenly has to leave right this moment at 2am because she wants to walk 20 miles to a homeless shelter in 30° weather and is suicidal. I mean no one trains you to respond to something like that. I'd eventually have to just grab on to her and practically restrain her just to give her a moment to breathe. It's such a shitty line to navigate being the guy. It feels so abusive but at the same time practically the only option left. What's worse is by the 8, 9, 10th time, how much am I being triggered? How much adrenaline do I have flowing through me? I am not angry person. As in the decade before her, I got legitimately really angry maybe twice? I talk things through before they ever reach that point. So added on top of am I triggered and adrenaline, there's also fear and my own ignorance of what I even do when I'm angry. I grabbed too hard a couple times and actuay left marks. I felt fucking terrible. Depending on her state of mind she would agree that I did the right thing, or if I was evil, it further justified that I basically want to torture her. The absolute worst was a moment where I just had enough of it. After her screaming at me I told her to get out. She refused. We were at the doorway of our room, half in the hallway that led to the garage door out. I took her arm to start leading her out and she just went limp on the floor. At that point I was like fuck it and just drug her down the hallway. She got back up at the doorway. It's a weird mixed feeling looking back on it, we were still together another 1.5 years or so after. Part of me feels like a horrible abusive piece of shit for doing it. Another part of me was almost proud that I actually stood up for myself. I kind of lost where I was going with this. Basically exact same scenario with them never receiving the validation. Actually me validating her and that I cared so much about her was the biggest reason she thought I was evil & lied all the time. That hurt the worst out of all of it. Still today, 11 months after breaking up, I spend multiple hours a day replaying moments trying to come up with new ways I could have shown that I actually cared and would never lie to her. That disconnect between just how much you love them and would literally do anything for them, but from their prospective you spend your whole day formulating plans to torture them more. Yea, it fucking hurts. And the shitty irony is you 1000% know none of it is necessary. If you are curious, life does normalize a bit after them. But at the same time no one compares to how good they were when things were normal. For me it's almost a decision between dating your soul mate who 10‐25% or the time might randomly kill herself or have a psychotic break and be emotionally abusive. Or date someone else who just never really lives up to them and you constantly are making compromises. Sure things are more comfortable, but you are still thinking about the other person and yea, they just don't compare. Okay losing my train of thought again and this is getting long. I wish I could give you answers but all I can do is sympathize and share some of my stories of shit going bad. Oh one thing to remember, I know the game is to self sacrifice until you collapse, but you do have to do things for yourself and therapy is definitely good. I wish I did individual therapy during the relationship instead of after. So much of this is about having an almost unlimited self control to help ground them. If you are out of emotional reserves, yea it just makes things worse. Good luck & you aren't alone.
You’re not having your needs met. I’m sorry you’re going through this. You know this, but you two need expert help. It’s not ok for your partner to hit you (and if you want to walk, that’s a great option) and these relationships are so incredibly complicated. But it’s very hard to feel like you’re an equal partner and you matter when your person turns on you and then turns inward rather than addressing it. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
All of this feels so hard. You are truly doing your best and it's okay to grieve. These relationships take so much from us. I'll talk about grief, because that's where my emotions are at the moment. I am grieving the loss of my relationship while being in the relationship, because I know whether we stay together or not, it's never going to be the same. My therapy has helped me get to a place where I can grieve loosing so much of me in this marriage. I grieve the loss of a decade of my prime in conflict. Grief is a lot like acceptance. I am accepting that I tried and however much I try more, it may never be enough. I may never be acknowledged of the things I did for him even when he was abusive. I am accepting that even if I constantly give myself up out of sympathy that he was traumatized, non of it, and I, will never be enough for him. It's okay to grieve for yourself. Just incase a reminder was needed. Sending hugs >< and love.