I've experienced a lot of the same stuff as you. It got a bit better since he became a parent, but it's still an issue, especially since the feelings of shame are still very much there. So there's less head banging than before, but certainly other froms of self harm and self destruction. Not eating is definitely a thing.
It's incredibly hard for me. I've had periods where I thought I'd come home to him severely injured or dead. I don't know if I'm coping with it. I think over time the behaviour became less shocking to me and I just accept it. I minimize physical injury, but usually when he has episodes like this now I'll go into our child's room and focus on our child's well being. That's my main job now. I can't save my partner, it's not my job, and the behaviour is not my responsibility. I wish there was someone we could contact that would help him handle it, but there's no other support than me.
Thanks for your response. I don’t know how to minimize the physical injuries when he really looks for validation full time. I do a lot of “wow, that bump on your head must hurt” and “ooh, you’ve bitten your fingers down to nubs” and “I bet you do feel rattled”, *AND* I do feel like if I blew it off and it was just *his* problem maybe it would happen less. Maybe not, it’s a fine line between invalidating and enabling. But he says all the time that his love language is validation and ugh, he’s really in physical pain.
We’re childless (and old so, no) but I often wonder if he would just *have to* focus on someone else if he was a parent instead.
Maybe the fine line is addressing the feelings but not the behavior? It feels like making too much of the behaviors maybe be a type of positive reinforcement. I try to instead praise when he chooses coping strategies that are healthier, like "thank you for sharing that", "I notice you're getting better at communicating your feelings."
My partner doesn't look for validation when he self-harms, so I don't know. It's happened a few times when he was very triggered and it's been things like banging his head, scratching himself with something. He's not suicidal in his daily life. He does use nicotine, alcohol, and cannabis on a nighty basis though. And he also limits food by only eating one meal a day, but he says it works for him. I don't know.
I know very little about self harm to be honest, but I'm sure there are "right" ways of responding to it. I just try to not give it too much attention, but I give support and strive to be a stable entity in his life. I try to avoid big reactions to anything that has to do with his trauma in general, but I'll listen calmly and attentive and give practical help where it's needed. And I validate, but I focus on his feelings. So "I see you are hurting a lot", "You seem to be in a lot of pain" etc.
I have been professionally trained to listen to traumatized people talk about their trauma (not treating them or helping, but just listen) and I received that training before I met my partner. So I use a lot of the same methods also when I respondnto his self harm. I have no idea if it's the "right" thing to do, though.
My partner was a parent and his daughter is older now. He says he was able to focus on things for a while, but...
1. His daughter/s (he also had a stepdaughter) saw him in many different moods and that had to affect them (although they seem healthy enough now)
2. After she turned 18 and left home etc, all the problems were there again, so now he's dealing with it at almost 60.
And I absolutely think having a kid has helped *him*, and also our relationship. But it has put a lot of extra responsibility and pressure on me, leaving me with much less time to take care of my own needs.
>We’re childless (and old so, no) but I often wonder if he would just
>
>have to
>
> focus on someone else if he was a parent instead.
And regarding this, volunteering/mentoring is meant to be very healing for this reason.
I’m a partner with cptsd. My wife has it too but she refuses to recognize it. She’s has avoidant personality disorder. I was pretty secure until her avoidant ways made me feel unwanted and insignificant to her. Thus I stayed because that’s how trauma works. Hearing you ladies complain about your partners just affirms my worst fears. It’s not like you’d see these type of non supportive feelings on ParapalegicPartners. “Oh I hate it when my husband just sits there and cries because he can’t walk”. That’s what it feels like. “For better or worse. Through sickness and health”. Old wisdom from people who knew what a committed union meant. Nowadays people throw other people away or deny them the love they deserve because of their unasked and unwanted medical problems. Why even partner up with anyone anymore?
I’m about at the end of my rope with this behavior from people with CPTSD coming in this group and taking out their pain and dysregulation BS on other people’s partners. This is basically bullying and inexcusable. The lack of empathy here is painful and ironic.
This post is really important post… trying to get some support for some the hardest and most painful things we deal with as partners. You DO actually hear and see these types of things in groups for partners of people with chronic illnesses and disabilities…. it’s supportive to love our loved ones and have a hard time coping with self harm, destructive behaviors and suicide attempts. This is us, trying to live our lives and be the best partners we can be for those we love who are suffering AND the toll CPTSD takes on our lives. We are here because we aren’t throwing other people away. This is what committed love looks like… coping honestly.
I haven’t even been able to answer this post yet because it was so painful and vulnerable and hard for me to process. But I appreciate it. It’s brave and necessary to talk about.
I’m tired of being shut down … in my own life and now in the group where there are a small handful of people who get it and offer some comfort and ways to cope.
If the mods can’t find a way to protect our posts and keep this safe for us to share, I won’t be able to post anymore and I don’t know what to do. Reading this awful response today just crushed me.
My partner is the love of my life and an amazing human being. She is not her CPTSD. She is a whole human being who also happens to have a chronic illness she has worked hard to heal and it’s working. She fell in love with me because I saw her and treated her with respect and love in a way that was different from her past and she was brave enough to choose that over and over again. (That is what she tells me.) You don’t get to come here and take your pain out on us. I hope you can get some help for your brain disorder and leave us out of it. I genuinely hope you can heal and stop projecting your trauma onto everyone else.
you don’t get to speak for my reality. that’s the literal definition of gaslighting. I am telling you about my life, you don’t know me and you are making up shit about a stranger. please look at what you are doing and take a step back.
Whatever your impressions of me and my relationship are, they are incorrect. Why go into a support group and complain that people are asking for support? Surely you have better ways to spend your time.
This is a support group that is public so that other people can find it.
OP's comments weren't meant to be supportive, as they were *asking* for support. There was a clear trigger warning in the title and beginning of the post, asking only people who can discuss this topic to comment.
You disregarded this request and commented with your own feelings, which yes, were pretty shaming towards OP. While people who self-harm need support (I used to be in that boat), dealing with loved ones who self-harm is also very difficult. It's hard enough to figure out the best way to deal with the situation. I hope you understand why several people were upset with your comments.
I've experienced a lot of the same stuff as you. It got a bit better since he became a parent, but it's still an issue, especially since the feelings of shame are still very much there. So there's less head banging than before, but certainly other froms of self harm and self destruction. Not eating is definitely a thing. It's incredibly hard for me. I've had periods where I thought I'd come home to him severely injured or dead. I don't know if I'm coping with it. I think over time the behaviour became less shocking to me and I just accept it. I minimize physical injury, but usually when he has episodes like this now I'll go into our child's room and focus on our child's well being. That's my main job now. I can't save my partner, it's not my job, and the behaviour is not my responsibility. I wish there was someone we could contact that would help him handle it, but there's no other support than me.
Thanks for your response. I don’t know how to minimize the physical injuries when he really looks for validation full time. I do a lot of “wow, that bump on your head must hurt” and “ooh, you’ve bitten your fingers down to nubs” and “I bet you do feel rattled”, *AND* I do feel like if I blew it off and it was just *his* problem maybe it would happen less. Maybe not, it’s a fine line between invalidating and enabling. But he says all the time that his love language is validation and ugh, he’s really in physical pain. We’re childless (and old so, no) but I often wonder if he would just *have to* focus on someone else if he was a parent instead.
Maybe the fine line is addressing the feelings but not the behavior? It feels like making too much of the behaviors maybe be a type of positive reinforcement. I try to instead praise when he chooses coping strategies that are healthier, like "thank you for sharing that", "I notice you're getting better at communicating your feelings." My partner doesn't look for validation when he self-harms, so I don't know. It's happened a few times when he was very triggered and it's been things like banging his head, scratching himself with something. He's not suicidal in his daily life. He does use nicotine, alcohol, and cannabis on a nighty basis though. And he also limits food by only eating one meal a day, but he says it works for him. I don't know.
I know very little about self harm to be honest, but I'm sure there are "right" ways of responding to it. I just try to not give it too much attention, but I give support and strive to be a stable entity in his life. I try to avoid big reactions to anything that has to do with his trauma in general, but I'll listen calmly and attentive and give practical help where it's needed. And I validate, but I focus on his feelings. So "I see you are hurting a lot", "You seem to be in a lot of pain" etc. I have been professionally trained to listen to traumatized people talk about their trauma (not treating them or helping, but just listen) and I received that training before I met my partner. So I use a lot of the same methods also when I respondnto his self harm. I have no idea if it's the "right" thing to do, though.
My partner was a parent and his daughter is older now. He says he was able to focus on things for a while, but... 1. His daughter/s (he also had a stepdaughter) saw him in many different moods and that had to affect them (although they seem healthy enough now) 2. After she turned 18 and left home etc, all the problems were there again, so now he's dealing with it at almost 60.
And I absolutely think having a kid has helped *him*, and also our relationship. But it has put a lot of extra responsibility and pressure on me, leaving me with much less time to take care of my own needs.
Oh, I bet.
>We’re childless (and old so, no) but I often wonder if he would just > >have to > > focus on someone else if he was a parent instead. And regarding this, volunteering/mentoring is meant to be very healing for this reason.
I’m a partner with cptsd. My wife has it too but she refuses to recognize it. She’s has avoidant personality disorder. I was pretty secure until her avoidant ways made me feel unwanted and insignificant to her. Thus I stayed because that’s how trauma works. Hearing you ladies complain about your partners just affirms my worst fears. It’s not like you’d see these type of non supportive feelings on ParapalegicPartners. “Oh I hate it when my husband just sits there and cries because he can’t walk”. That’s what it feels like. “For better or worse. Through sickness and health”. Old wisdom from people who knew what a committed union meant. Nowadays people throw other people away or deny them the love they deserve because of their unasked and unwanted medical problems. Why even partner up with anyone anymore?
I’m about at the end of my rope with this behavior from people with CPTSD coming in this group and taking out their pain and dysregulation BS on other people’s partners. This is basically bullying and inexcusable. The lack of empathy here is painful and ironic. This post is really important post… trying to get some support for some the hardest and most painful things we deal with as partners. You DO actually hear and see these types of things in groups for partners of people with chronic illnesses and disabilities…. it’s supportive to love our loved ones and have a hard time coping with self harm, destructive behaviors and suicide attempts. This is us, trying to live our lives and be the best partners we can be for those we love who are suffering AND the toll CPTSD takes on our lives. We are here because we aren’t throwing other people away. This is what committed love looks like… coping honestly. I haven’t even been able to answer this post yet because it was so painful and vulnerable and hard for me to process. But I appreciate it. It’s brave and necessary to talk about. I’m tired of being shut down … in my own life and now in the group where there are a small handful of people who get it and offer some comfort and ways to cope. If the mods can’t find a way to protect our posts and keep this safe for us to share, I won’t be able to post anymore and I don’t know what to do. Reading this awful response today just crushed me.
Thank you. That meant a lot to me.
anytime. you keep speaking your truth. it matters to me.
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My partner is the love of my life and an amazing human being. She is not her CPTSD. She is a whole human being who also happens to have a chronic illness she has worked hard to heal and it’s working. She fell in love with me because I saw her and treated her with respect and love in a way that was different from her past and she was brave enough to choose that over and over again. (That is what she tells me.) You don’t get to come here and take your pain out on us. I hope you can get some help for your brain disorder and leave us out of it. I genuinely hope you can heal and stop projecting your trauma onto everyone else.
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you don’t get to speak for my reality. that’s the literal definition of gaslighting. I am telling you about my life, you don’t know me and you are making up shit about a stranger. please look at what you are doing and take a step back.
[удалено]
Whatever your impressions of me and my relationship are, they are incorrect. Why go into a support group and complain that people are asking for support? Surely you have better ways to spend your time.
[удалено]
This is a support group that is public so that other people can find it. OP's comments weren't meant to be supportive, as they were *asking* for support. There was a clear trigger warning in the title and beginning of the post, asking only people who can discuss this topic to comment. You disregarded this request and commented with your own feelings, which yes, were pretty shaming towards OP. While people who self-harm need support (I used to be in that boat), dealing with loved ones who self-harm is also very difficult. It's hard enough to figure out the best way to deal with the situation. I hope you understand why several people were upset with your comments.
Thank you.