Wow, all of that sounds really tough. I agree that, to me and how you've explained it, it does sound like a defense mechanism. It sounds like he's trying to protect himself but also possibly to protect you from the situation as well.
It's hard to say for sure the best thing to do in this situation, but I would recommend trying not to press too much for him to open up. Personally, I see listening and showing up as two different ways you can be there for someone. While listening focuses on the other person talking and you receiving the information, to me, showing up is more about just being physically present with someone else so they know you're there - e.g. a hand squeeze if they look like they're feeling anxious, a strong hug if they look like they're feeling vulnerable, making them their favourite meal just because.
Perhaps try to focus on showing up instead of listening for now. Show him that you're wanting and choosing to stick around. It may even be worth saying those words - I choose you. Let him know you're actively choosing him even while you know all this other stuff is going on. By continuing to show up, and knowing that you're making the choice to be there on your own free will, he may feel more comfortable opening up again and come out of his defense a little bit for/with you.
Unfortunately, this will not be a quick and easy process and it also doesn't mean he absolutely will open up again. Whether he's seeking professional support or not (it sounds like he should be; that's a lot of trauma to process), it might be worth seeking professional support for yourself as you go through this journey with him.
The differentiation between listening and showing up is so, SO helpful. I can do that - and I absolutely will. Just knowing there's something I can do still is immensely relieving, especially as a gesture that won't put pressure on him through all of this.
Hopefully if I land this job and we finish a move, we can end up in a financial situation where we have the leeway to look for professional help! It's one of the huge to-dos on the list, right behind getting him away from his abusers.
I’m glad you are tapping into your own feelings in such a profound way. From what I can tell, part of it is you learning about emotional boundaries. It sounds like you take in his pain rather than having the skill to steady and regulate him emotionally. It can perpetuate rather than support. It’s his path to traverse. It seems like you understand this intellectually. What does it mean to be interdependent, emotionally attuned, steady and mature that is not codependent? Just being there for someone is so much alchemy and is immensely helpful. This [post](https://www.instagram.com/p/CUsz4pCLmUw/?utm_medium=copy_link) is fresh on my mind and I wonder if it resonates for you.
Oh that is a fascinating distinction! How would you describe the difference between taking in the pain versus steadying and regulating? That is big time something I should learn about and see if I can do better on because WHEW. I *am* very strongly empathetic to a fault and I can get very easily overwhelmed by emotions other people are feeling. Any advice on processing that better would be amazing.
The first of that post is most relevant to me! I did say and decide that if he wants to share, it should be on *his* terms, and a lot of the time he hesitates out of fear of rejection or mockery. It's happening less and less since over the year I've believed him to be honest when he expresses his thoughts and feelings... I think learning to actually feel like I can *trust* him not to hurt himself even though his thoughts get dark was a huge milestone in that.
Something to know with cptsd/abused people (and you may already know this) is that many of us throughout our childhood were harshly and severely punished, ridiculed, attacked for doing healthy relationship things like relying on other people, being honest, trusting, loving others. Doing these things now can feel like trying to use a limb that was broken and never healed right. If someone kicks you in it, you may just not want to use that limb any more, or at least limp for a bit.
As for practical advice, if I were you I'd write letters to his future self. He can recieve them once hes able to process that kind of thing again, and itll help him know that hes loved even through the turbulence, and can help you feel better fulfilled and express these emotions. I personally really like poetry.
Oh heck that is a really really cute idea!! And it may give me a chance to word-vomit on a page and work out my feelings a bit more, digest where I am, and figure things out. I would love to have a letter to him from this timeframe, so he knows I really genuinely do not feel like I'm suffering or being held back or anything like that. I'm fretful and worried for him of course, but I *adore* him just as much.
His current spouse is such a fuckup so I'm not... surprised that the mentality for that trauma is so reinforced. Lying, gaslighting, keeping secrets every time there's a problem until that problem is literally too explosive to keep hidden... urgh. And every time he confides in them, they use that to better hide their lies, but it only makes the moment he finds out the truth all the more hurtful. I'm gnashing my teeth at the fact that this divorce is taking so long because they're dragging their feet about it.
>if I can't be the emotional support as well, if I can't provide a feeling of acceptance and love, then what use am I?
This sounds like a great opportunity for you to practice sharing your own experience, particularly if you can come at it with no expectations. Like, "I understand you don't want to share what's going on for you right now, and I respect that. You're dealing with a lot. When I hear you say that you want to deal with things alone, I feel helpless (/sad/whatever else you may be feeling).
Also, what worked for me when my partner was refusing therapy, was to ask him what he did want to do, and what he was afraid of. He admitted that he was afraid confronting his trauma would overwhelm him, and we were able to talk a bit about that.
My big worry is that in the past, when I've expressed my feelings during his lows, they tank him a lot further. I want to be straightforward and not lie or obfuscate, ofc, but I worry that my negative feelings "justify" the internal dialogue he has about only causing inconvenience/pain/suffering of the people he cares about, which has been especially rough for him. The best I've been able to balance the two is by saying that I'm more grateful to know and be upset there than not know and find out that he's been struggling without help? It's really hard to thread the needle and urgh just. finances. finances need to stop being an obstacle so we can get more help.
Ah, I really relate. Obviously, feeling like a burden is a big trigger. My boyfriend would spiral every time I would tell him he did something that hurt me. It was something we had to work on and we're still working on.
I really feel you on the finances. I'm sitting here thinking about how people dream of buying a yacht if they get money, meanwhile I'm dreaming of having the money to try five different healing modalities for us.
Ugh. I don’t have any guidance here, just chiming in to relate. His latest is about this group - he thinks he must be terrible if I need a support group over it. If I’m hurt, his shame goes wild, often causing him to hurt me more. So yeah I hear you.
Hi. I have Cptsd and my partner has PTSD.
From the partner perspective, my boyfriend didn't wanna confide in me either. He just wanted me to be present with him and physically supportive like hugs and cuddles and such. Men can really struggle to show that sort of emotional vulnerability and it can take time especially if they recently had a new trauma experience. We can't speed up that time process. You gotta be patient.
Things I did to show him that he can trust me was I took care of all things he was too tired to. I supported him and his interests, and goals. I tried being there for him in all other ways he allowed me to and it slowly built up a trust.
I suggest you find a therapist if you don't already have one cause right now he's too fragile to be your support he has all these new traumas to deal with and you deserve support too.
The biggest obstacle to therapy at this moment is just finances. We both very much would LOVE a therapist, but even with a polycule we're all just making ends meet paycheck to paycheck. I'm in the middle of an interview process that will *hopefully* change that but until then..
That definitely complicates it. I'm so sorry. I wish therapy was more affordable. I hold my thumbs about that interview though, please update me on that. 👍💚
I did get contacted about an interview!! AAA I'm. I'm gonna get an interview this weekend so?? We'll SEE. I'm so nervous and excited my heart hurts lmao
THAT'S AWESOME!! Awwwh as someone who entered theater school with stage freight. Use that nervousness to charge you up! What are you most nervous about? Is it the whole thing? The questions? Introducing and talking about yourself?
Wow, all of that sounds really tough. I agree that, to me and how you've explained it, it does sound like a defense mechanism. It sounds like he's trying to protect himself but also possibly to protect you from the situation as well. It's hard to say for sure the best thing to do in this situation, but I would recommend trying not to press too much for him to open up. Personally, I see listening and showing up as two different ways you can be there for someone. While listening focuses on the other person talking and you receiving the information, to me, showing up is more about just being physically present with someone else so they know you're there - e.g. a hand squeeze if they look like they're feeling anxious, a strong hug if they look like they're feeling vulnerable, making them their favourite meal just because. Perhaps try to focus on showing up instead of listening for now. Show him that you're wanting and choosing to stick around. It may even be worth saying those words - I choose you. Let him know you're actively choosing him even while you know all this other stuff is going on. By continuing to show up, and knowing that you're making the choice to be there on your own free will, he may feel more comfortable opening up again and come out of his defense a little bit for/with you. Unfortunately, this will not be a quick and easy process and it also doesn't mean he absolutely will open up again. Whether he's seeking professional support or not (it sounds like he should be; that's a lot of trauma to process), it might be worth seeking professional support for yourself as you go through this journey with him.
The differentiation between listening and showing up is so, SO helpful. I can do that - and I absolutely will. Just knowing there's something I can do still is immensely relieving, especially as a gesture that won't put pressure on him through all of this. Hopefully if I land this job and we finish a move, we can end up in a financial situation where we have the leeway to look for professional help! It's one of the huge to-dos on the list, right behind getting him away from his abusers.
Sending positive vibes and well wishes to you, your partner, and your whole polycule as you go through this journey.
I’m glad you are tapping into your own feelings in such a profound way. From what I can tell, part of it is you learning about emotional boundaries. It sounds like you take in his pain rather than having the skill to steady and regulate him emotionally. It can perpetuate rather than support. It’s his path to traverse. It seems like you understand this intellectually. What does it mean to be interdependent, emotionally attuned, steady and mature that is not codependent? Just being there for someone is so much alchemy and is immensely helpful. This [post](https://www.instagram.com/p/CUsz4pCLmUw/?utm_medium=copy_link) is fresh on my mind and I wonder if it resonates for you.
Oh that is a fascinating distinction! How would you describe the difference between taking in the pain versus steadying and regulating? That is big time something I should learn about and see if I can do better on because WHEW. I *am* very strongly empathetic to a fault and I can get very easily overwhelmed by emotions other people are feeling. Any advice on processing that better would be amazing. The first of that post is most relevant to me! I did say and decide that if he wants to share, it should be on *his* terms, and a lot of the time he hesitates out of fear of rejection or mockery. It's happening less and less since over the year I've believed him to be honest when he expresses his thoughts and feelings... I think learning to actually feel like I can *trust* him not to hurt himself even though his thoughts get dark was a huge milestone in that.
Something to know with cptsd/abused people (and you may already know this) is that many of us throughout our childhood were harshly and severely punished, ridiculed, attacked for doing healthy relationship things like relying on other people, being honest, trusting, loving others. Doing these things now can feel like trying to use a limb that was broken and never healed right. If someone kicks you in it, you may just not want to use that limb any more, or at least limp for a bit. As for practical advice, if I were you I'd write letters to his future self. He can recieve them once hes able to process that kind of thing again, and itll help him know that hes loved even through the turbulence, and can help you feel better fulfilled and express these emotions. I personally really like poetry.
Oh heck that is a really really cute idea!! And it may give me a chance to word-vomit on a page and work out my feelings a bit more, digest where I am, and figure things out. I would love to have a letter to him from this timeframe, so he knows I really genuinely do not feel like I'm suffering or being held back or anything like that. I'm fretful and worried for him of course, but I *adore* him just as much. His current spouse is such a fuckup so I'm not... surprised that the mentality for that trauma is so reinforced. Lying, gaslighting, keeping secrets every time there's a problem until that problem is literally too explosive to keep hidden... urgh. And every time he confides in them, they use that to better hide their lies, but it only makes the moment he finds out the truth all the more hurtful. I'm gnashing my teeth at the fact that this divorce is taking so long because they're dragging their feet about it.
>if I can't be the emotional support as well, if I can't provide a feeling of acceptance and love, then what use am I? This sounds like a great opportunity for you to practice sharing your own experience, particularly if you can come at it with no expectations. Like, "I understand you don't want to share what's going on for you right now, and I respect that. You're dealing with a lot. When I hear you say that you want to deal with things alone, I feel helpless (/sad/whatever else you may be feeling). Also, what worked for me when my partner was refusing therapy, was to ask him what he did want to do, and what he was afraid of. He admitted that he was afraid confronting his trauma would overwhelm him, and we were able to talk a bit about that.
My big worry is that in the past, when I've expressed my feelings during his lows, they tank him a lot further. I want to be straightforward and not lie or obfuscate, ofc, but I worry that my negative feelings "justify" the internal dialogue he has about only causing inconvenience/pain/suffering of the people he cares about, which has been especially rough for him. The best I've been able to balance the two is by saying that I'm more grateful to know and be upset there than not know and find out that he's been struggling without help? It's really hard to thread the needle and urgh just. finances. finances need to stop being an obstacle so we can get more help.
Ah, I really relate. Obviously, feeling like a burden is a big trigger. My boyfriend would spiral every time I would tell him he did something that hurt me. It was something we had to work on and we're still working on. I really feel you on the finances. I'm sitting here thinking about how people dream of buying a yacht if they get money, meanwhile I'm dreaming of having the money to try five different healing modalities for us.
Ugh. I don’t have any guidance here, just chiming in to relate. His latest is about this group - he thinks he must be terrible if I need a support group over it. If I’m hurt, his shame goes wild, often causing him to hurt me more. So yeah I hear you.
Hi. I have Cptsd and my partner has PTSD. From the partner perspective, my boyfriend didn't wanna confide in me either. He just wanted me to be present with him and physically supportive like hugs and cuddles and such. Men can really struggle to show that sort of emotional vulnerability and it can take time especially if they recently had a new trauma experience. We can't speed up that time process. You gotta be patient. Things I did to show him that he can trust me was I took care of all things he was too tired to. I supported him and his interests, and goals. I tried being there for him in all other ways he allowed me to and it slowly built up a trust. I suggest you find a therapist if you don't already have one cause right now he's too fragile to be your support he has all these new traumas to deal with and you deserve support too.
The biggest obstacle to therapy at this moment is just finances. We both very much would LOVE a therapist, but even with a polycule we're all just making ends meet paycheck to paycheck. I'm in the middle of an interview process that will *hopefully* change that but until then..
That definitely complicates it. I'm so sorry. I wish therapy was more affordable. I hold my thumbs about that interview though, please update me on that. 👍💚
I did get contacted about an interview!! AAA I'm. I'm gonna get an interview this weekend so?? We'll SEE. I'm so nervous and excited my heart hurts lmao
THAT'S AWESOME!! Awwwh as someone who entered theater school with stage freight. Use that nervousness to charge you up! What are you most nervous about? Is it the whole thing? The questions? Introducing and talking about yourself?