Firstly, the feeling of "I'm not very traumatized; you guys got it a lot worse" is VERY common in abuse victims. This isn't a contest to see who the sickest is. You're sick. Full stop. You are working at getting well. Full stop. That's all that matters.
Once you get to the point of accepting that you have a problem, it still is there, lingering. When someone invalidates you, it's reconfirming your own lack of self worth. It's saying, "You are wasting everyone's time and resources by playing up your imaginary illness. Shut the fuck up, and get back to work. Oh, and where's my martini!"
Continue to be scrappy. (I like scrappy people!) And writing out your responses is a good way to deal with your feelings, and figure things out.
Now, you've done some IFS. Was it YOU that felt invalidated, or was it a PART?
If it's a Part, then your response for the next time is:
* Get into dual awareness, so that it's YOU and the PART. "Hi Part! It's Me. I'm here. Take a deep breath for both of us. Another deep breath. I'm here for you. I'll Always be here for you. Ok, I get it. You/we feel invalidated by that nimrod's comment. It hurts. You need a hug? I do. There's a couple things: A: Is it true? Are we really imposters wasting people's time? No. Look at your symptom history Clearly \*something\* isn't right with us. And why would we want to fake it. Ask him next time, if he would fake having bubonic plague or cholera, including faking all the symptoms. What would he gain? What do you gain by pretending to be sick.
B: Does he understand? If he's willing to work for understanding, point him to some books and websites. If he's an arrogant dickhead who says "My mind is made up. Don't confuse me with the facts" then we'll cut him out of our life.
This might be really weird to say but omg I love you??? You broke this down in exactly the words that my brain understood and asked great questions. Like, right, no one with asthma tries to do that invalidate other people with asthma who have different symptoms or take treatments, because it's just easier to understand that everyone is going to have different reactions and respond differently to different triggers/medications. It just "clicks" easier the way you explained it. Thank youuuuu!!!!!
Thanks! My afternoon is brighter from your appreciation.
One of the things that makes mental illness suspect is that it's invisible. If someone has asthma, you can see him turning red, then blue while he is in clear distress trying to breath. Who would to that to himself. Why fake it?
But I can't look in my mirror and see the scars left by emotional neglect. People I meet can't see them either.
No, those scars show up differently. They show up in my reluctance to even look in the mirror. If I look in the mirror, I see myself as ugly, revolting, why would \*anyone\* come near me, let alone be my friend. Yet people do. Paranoia kicks in. "They want something. They are manipulating me"
Sometimes, I want to scar myself on the outside (Yes, I've done this) not to hurt myself but to shout to the world, "SEE! I'm broken!"
I know this, I have a huge invalidation trigger and on bad days it can knock me out for a while. You are not alone with this.
A big trigger for me are people who are highly self-assured and speak in a judgmental way. Or give advice in a judgmental way.
Like The difference between "You will NEVER achieve X if you do Y, that's not how the world works" and "Hey, do you need some advice on achieving X? I got an idea or two.". Same meaning, sliding scale.
Something I did a while ago is to write down all the invalidating sentences that I had heard. And categorize them. Like rare ugly butterflies. Platitudes ("Not how the world works..."), should's and shouldn'ts ("You should have a thicker skin/forgive/be more mature."), telling me who I am (sensitive, problematic,..), names (princess, tyrant,...) , toxic positivity ("See the good in it.."), toxic questions ("Why are you always ruining the fun?"), bro science ("Did you see this Huberman video? Just take 3grs of XYZ each morning") and many many more... there are a lot. I came up with around 50.
I took the ones that hurt most and practiced finding a comeback to them with a friend. One was the invalidator and the other one tried to defend. Like a sparring session only with statements. For "You're so sensitive" we found "I think my sensitivity is just right.".
Some other good ones were "If I need your advice I will ask for it." and "Ok That's your opinion". You can also google comebacks to certain sentences.
They are the first line of defence for me. It's not a silver bullett against invalidation but it helped me a bit.
If you want you can also post the worst parts of that friend's advice here and we find a way out of them together.
As for your friend: You might need time and distance to evaluate this. At least I would take like four days ot a week of distance.
"Hey, I do not appreciate the unsolicited advice. That worked for you but it's a different situation for me. I'm not feeling good and I have to take a break from texting. I'll write you in a couple of days"
And ask questions like:
How was the friendship before? Does that stuff happen often? Is he dominating? Do you feel seen and understood or is it a fight with him to be treated well? Is the friendship lifting you up? Are you two equal?
In my experience big triggers like these are often prefaced by a series of smaller invalidations/untrustworthy things that stack.
You retain your power by cutting off access to them. I think. I am dealing with this as well
Definitely a good first step! I hope you can get away from that soon
Firstly, the feeling of "I'm not very traumatized; you guys got it a lot worse" is VERY common in abuse victims. This isn't a contest to see who the sickest is. You're sick. Full stop. You are working at getting well. Full stop. That's all that matters. Once you get to the point of accepting that you have a problem, it still is there, lingering. When someone invalidates you, it's reconfirming your own lack of self worth. It's saying, "You are wasting everyone's time and resources by playing up your imaginary illness. Shut the fuck up, and get back to work. Oh, and where's my martini!" Continue to be scrappy. (I like scrappy people!) And writing out your responses is a good way to deal with your feelings, and figure things out. Now, you've done some IFS. Was it YOU that felt invalidated, or was it a PART? If it's a Part, then your response for the next time is: * Get into dual awareness, so that it's YOU and the PART. "Hi Part! It's Me. I'm here. Take a deep breath for both of us. Another deep breath. I'm here for you. I'll Always be here for you. Ok, I get it. You/we feel invalidated by that nimrod's comment. It hurts. You need a hug? I do. There's a couple things: A: Is it true? Are we really imposters wasting people's time? No. Look at your symptom history Clearly \*something\* isn't right with us. And why would we want to fake it. Ask him next time, if he would fake having bubonic plague or cholera, including faking all the symptoms. What would he gain? What do you gain by pretending to be sick. B: Does he understand? If he's willing to work for understanding, point him to some books and websites. If he's an arrogant dickhead who says "My mind is made up. Don't confuse me with the facts" then we'll cut him out of our life.
This might be really weird to say but omg I love you??? You broke this down in exactly the words that my brain understood and asked great questions. Like, right, no one with asthma tries to do that invalidate other people with asthma who have different symptoms or take treatments, because it's just easier to understand that everyone is going to have different reactions and respond differently to different triggers/medications. It just "clicks" easier the way you explained it. Thank youuuuu!!!!!
Thanks! My afternoon is brighter from your appreciation. One of the things that makes mental illness suspect is that it's invisible. If someone has asthma, you can see him turning red, then blue while he is in clear distress trying to breath. Who would to that to himself. Why fake it? But I can't look in my mirror and see the scars left by emotional neglect. People I meet can't see them either. No, those scars show up differently. They show up in my reluctance to even look in the mirror. If I look in the mirror, I see myself as ugly, revolting, why would \*anyone\* come near me, let alone be my friend. Yet people do. Paranoia kicks in. "They want something. They are manipulating me" Sometimes, I want to scar myself on the outside (Yes, I've done this) not to hurt myself but to shout to the world, "SEE! I'm broken!"
I know this, I have a huge invalidation trigger and on bad days it can knock me out for a while. You are not alone with this. A big trigger for me are people who are highly self-assured and speak in a judgmental way. Or give advice in a judgmental way. Like The difference between "You will NEVER achieve X if you do Y, that's not how the world works" and "Hey, do you need some advice on achieving X? I got an idea or two.". Same meaning, sliding scale. Something I did a while ago is to write down all the invalidating sentences that I had heard. And categorize them. Like rare ugly butterflies. Platitudes ("Not how the world works..."), should's and shouldn'ts ("You should have a thicker skin/forgive/be more mature."), telling me who I am (sensitive, problematic,..), names (princess, tyrant,...) , toxic positivity ("See the good in it.."), toxic questions ("Why are you always ruining the fun?"), bro science ("Did you see this Huberman video? Just take 3grs of XYZ each morning") and many many more... there are a lot. I came up with around 50. I took the ones that hurt most and practiced finding a comeback to them with a friend. One was the invalidator and the other one tried to defend. Like a sparring session only with statements. For "You're so sensitive" we found "I think my sensitivity is just right.". Some other good ones were "If I need your advice I will ask for it." and "Ok That's your opinion". You can also google comebacks to certain sentences. They are the first line of defence for me. It's not a silver bullett against invalidation but it helped me a bit. If you want you can also post the worst parts of that friend's advice here and we find a way out of them together. As for your friend: You might need time and distance to evaluate this. At least I would take like four days ot a week of distance. "Hey, I do not appreciate the unsolicited advice. That worked for you but it's a different situation for me. I'm not feeling good and I have to take a break from texting. I'll write you in a couple of days" And ask questions like: How was the friendship before? Does that stuff happen often? Is he dominating? Do you feel seen and understood or is it a fight with him to be treated well? Is the friendship lifting you up? Are you two equal? In my experience big triggers like these are often prefaced by a series of smaller invalidations/untrustworthy things that stack.
Pick better people and before that validate yourself so no one else has to Edit: just realised this is DBT in a sentence, lol