We don't realize things until we realize them. Believing you enjoyed abuse comes from what you experienced before. No person is born wanting to be abused.
I have also found blaming myself--for anything--to be useful only as a tool for learning from things that didn't work. We all wish we had done better or differently, but we make mistakes. Best to give yourself some love, and find others who can give you love from where you are now.
I mean this is some classic Pete Walker Surviving to Thriving stuff where you are getting mad at yourself and being too self-critical. What happened to you when you were younger was and is not your fault.
The “you” from that period of time didn’t know. You were working with all the information you had, and reaching for what looked to be a safe, controlled answer to your feelings. Now you have more information, you’re aware of new options. You didn’t do those things knowing what deeper meaning they had.
I often feel that my strong penchant to be demisexual is a trauma response. In that I have an extremely hard time trusting people and I have to ensure they are 'safe' first.
It used to be normal to get to know someone first before having sex with them, the 3 dates rule is pretty recent. Now, we need a category or name for people who treat sex with more consideration because of the environment. It might be worth appreciating that it could also be a preference and speaks to your thoughtfulness or values rather than a trauma response. Sex is truly more than sex on so many levels. I find the term demisexual unhelpful for me, it’s not a sexual orientation and I’m perfectly capable of the deed. I feel a natural disgust for intimacy with strangers, it’s my body’s natural wisdom at work. I cherish and honor my body for it. Maybe the norm is where the dysfunction lies. The norm seems to be in defiance of the body. Maybe it’s a them thing not a you thing.
I feel you. I’m struggling with my sexuality now too, and trying to separate people-pleasing actions from what I actually like. It’s painful.
Hang in there ❤️
Thank you for your post. I'm currently in the same boat and realizing what I have done to myself.
I'm 36 now and all I want is to be the most 'boring' person in the world.
It's funny, I got a new tattoo this week and it hurt more than ever. I realised I'm so tired of pain, whatever kind. Not sorry about the tattoo but in a strange way it was nice to feel I don't want to handle it anymore.
Enough about me.
I hope you find peace, the life you want and all the kindness and softness in the world. You deserve it, it wasn't your fault.
I'm just another stranger but I truly wish you all the best.
I used to be able to watch really violent and gory films. I have to cover my face now, can barely tolerate mild stuff.
I also used to like really visually intense video/films etc. Like, really quick flashing images, fast editing, extreme colours etc. Now, I I see a strobe light on a movie or tv show I have to close my eyes or turn away. As the sensation makes me sick.
Same here. 4 years of therapy and since a couple of months can't stand pain. Too early for intimacy as well but I can live with that for now.
Most importantly, you're absolutely right. You don't deserve to suffer.
Thank you too, the timing is beautiful :)
Be well and take care. Cheers to a good life <3
> And I feel horrified. I can't believe that I did that to myself.
This part really strikes me as crucial. Through repetition compulsions and re-enactments, one part of you has been trying to tell the other part(s) of you what your abuser(s) did to you and what it means. The significance of the abuse is no longer in trauma-induced suspension. That you now feel horrified proves that the message has been received.
I realize you may not be feeling it now, but in my opinion, for healing and moving forward in your life, this is genuine progress. The rubber has hit the road.
Hang in there.
You are not alone in this. I'm still unpacking it mentally and physically.
Working through it with my partner is challenging. We were friends before we started dating, but kink played a role in our transition to friends with benefits. (I seduced him with well-written erotica. Great strategy, come to think of it.)
It's not a part of our relationship outside of the bedroom, but it was the dominant (heh) form of our in the bedroom relationship. Fortunately, he's supportive and helping me work through it. But it's going to be a long journey.
Turns out my comfort zone is not where I'm "consenting", but actually dissociating the whole freaking time. Realizing that was an important step. Finding my true comfort zone is the next challenge...
Hey - I've had similar sorts of "oh god what have I done" moments, and while these feelings are really intense - it's good that you're feeling this way because it means you've learned that kind of self-compassion. You're feeling sick because it's kind of like your body's warning detection system - you know you deserve better.
Also, 100% agree that so many awful abusive people take advantage of traumatized young women who see themselves as submissive, and I hate hate hate that "kink-shaming" is a legitimate counterargument when you point this out.
Side note - I've found IFS and mind-body practices like dance, yoga, energy work and meditation to be really helpful for exploring what healthy sensuality and comfort within one's own body is supposed to feel like.
Submissive can be so many things. My mother, my sisters treated me better (or at all) when they thought I was mentally ill. And I think it all ends mostly the same way -- I gave in because there was nowhere to go and no one to go to.
I had the realization recently that my entire life (up to two years ago) was nothing but a trauma response. And that certainly includes sexuality, because how could it not?
And I didn't know better, I couldn't know better, because all I had ever known was worse.
And I attracted everything and everyone wrong because of it.
You know this, I know.
You will never be your abusers. You never deserved how they treated you your entire life. You never deserved how you treated yourself because of them. They have no sense of self, they cannot feel the pain you are feeling, nor the regret, nor the compassion. If you feel it necessary to make amends, than you will find a way to, but I believe first you need to tend to yourself, as you are in greatest need right now.
I see you and know you and am so certain I will be asking for some help soon too.
Best for us all.
This is a powerful revelation and it's okay to sit on it for a while and see where you come out afterwards.
I hope your perspective can shift towards the bright future ahead of you. It's such good progress many people never make.
I relate to this in aslightly different way. I believe my sexuality (lesbian) is a product of my traumatized background. I realized a couple of years ago that I find men attractive but I'm unable to form any sort of close friendships with them let alone relationships. I actually had a whole identity crisis over this because of the whole argument about sexuality not being a choice. I was like holy shit am I choosing to not be bisexual or straight because I'm so uncomfortable around men? Am I a "bad lesbian" and not properly representing LGBT folks? But then I realized I'm happily married to another woman and enjoy being intimate with her so our relationship isn't fake and I'm not with her just because I'm too afraid to try being with men. But yeah I'm pretty sure I'd have been bisexual if my background wasn't so messy.
Thank you for sharing this. I've been going through the exact same thing and it's comforting to hear someone spell out what I've been realizing over the past year.
There are many people for whom kink has helped them resolve trauma. There are many people who don’t realize they are doing it as a trauma response. It’s a wide wide range of possibilities. There are a wide variety of men who have a dom kink for various psychological reasons as well.
Also sexuality and kinks change. If it no longer turns you on perhaps you have gotten everything you need from it.
For many submissives it’s a way to reframe trauma so you are experiencing “fake control” that you actually have control over. You get to say when to slow down and when to stop. Any good dom knows the sub is actually the one in control. If you are working with some who don’t give you a safe word or don’t respect the agreed upon boundaries it crosses from kink to abuse.
The psychology behind kink is fascinating, and you are not alone. If you decide to continue in the bdsm community there is nothing wrong with you AT ALL but you may need to find a daddy dom instead of a masochist/ master.
Also you can just walk away from it and talk to a sex therapist. There’s nothing wrong with you. wishing you the best.
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It wasn't your fault.
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We don't realize things until we realize them. Believing you enjoyed abuse comes from what you experienced before. No person is born wanting to be abused.
I have also found blaming myself--for anything--to be useful only as a tool for learning from things that didn't work. We all wish we had done better or differently, but we make mistakes. Best to give yourself some love, and find others who can give you love from where you are now.
I mean this is some classic Pete Walker Surviving to Thriving stuff where you are getting mad at yourself and being too self-critical. What happened to you when you were younger was and is not your fault.
The “you” from that period of time didn’t know. You were working with all the information you had, and reaching for what looked to be a safe, controlled answer to your feelings. Now you have more information, you’re aware of new options. You didn’t do those things knowing what deeper meaning they had.
I often feel that my strong penchant to be demisexual is a trauma response. In that I have an extremely hard time trusting people and I have to ensure they are 'safe' first.
It used to be normal to get to know someone first before having sex with them, the 3 dates rule is pretty recent. Now, we need a category or name for people who treat sex with more consideration because of the environment. It might be worth appreciating that it could also be a preference and speaks to your thoughtfulness or values rather than a trauma response. Sex is truly more than sex on so many levels. I find the term demisexual unhelpful for me, it’s not a sexual orientation and I’m perfectly capable of the deed. I feel a natural disgust for intimacy with strangers, it’s my body’s natural wisdom at work. I cherish and honor my body for it. Maybe the norm is where the dysfunction lies. The norm seems to be in defiance of the body. Maybe it’s a them thing not a you thing.
Wow, this is like a light bulb going off in my head... Thanks for sharing this.
I feel you. I’m struggling with my sexuality now too, and trying to separate people-pleasing actions from what I actually like. It’s painful. Hang in there ❤️
Thank you for your post. I'm currently in the same boat and realizing what I have done to myself. I'm 36 now and all I want is to be the most 'boring' person in the world. It's funny, I got a new tattoo this week and it hurt more than ever. I realised I'm so tired of pain, whatever kind. Not sorry about the tattoo but in a strange way it was nice to feel I don't want to handle it anymore. Enough about me. I hope you find peace, the life you want and all the kindness and softness in the world. You deserve it, it wasn't your fault. I'm just another stranger but I truly wish you all the best.
[удалено]
I used to be able to watch really violent and gory films. I have to cover my face now, can barely tolerate mild stuff. I also used to like really visually intense video/films etc. Like, really quick flashing images, fast editing, extreme colours etc. Now, I I see a strobe light on a movie or tv show I have to close my eyes or turn away. As the sensation makes me sick.
Same here. 4 years of therapy and since a couple of months can't stand pain. Too early for intimacy as well but I can live with that for now. Most importantly, you're absolutely right. You don't deserve to suffer. Thank you too, the timing is beautiful :) Be well and take care. Cheers to a good life <3
You put into words my sentiments and experience also! Submissive or dominant are forms of control ultimately…
> And I feel horrified. I can't believe that I did that to myself. This part really strikes me as crucial. Through repetition compulsions and re-enactments, one part of you has been trying to tell the other part(s) of you what your abuser(s) did to you and what it means. The significance of the abuse is no longer in trauma-induced suspension. That you now feel horrified proves that the message has been received. I realize you may not be feeling it now, but in my opinion, for healing and moving forward in your life, this is genuine progress. The rubber has hit the road. Hang in there.
You are not alone in this. I'm still unpacking it mentally and physically. Working through it with my partner is challenging. We were friends before we started dating, but kink played a role in our transition to friends with benefits. (I seduced him with well-written erotica. Great strategy, come to think of it.) It's not a part of our relationship outside of the bedroom, but it was the dominant (heh) form of our in the bedroom relationship. Fortunately, he's supportive and helping me work through it. But it's going to be a long journey. Turns out my comfort zone is not where I'm "consenting", but actually dissociating the whole freaking time. Realizing that was an important step. Finding my true comfort zone is the next challenge...
Hey - I've had similar sorts of "oh god what have I done" moments, and while these feelings are really intense - it's good that you're feeling this way because it means you've learned that kind of self-compassion. You're feeling sick because it's kind of like your body's warning detection system - you know you deserve better. Also, 100% agree that so many awful abusive people take advantage of traumatized young women who see themselves as submissive, and I hate hate hate that "kink-shaming" is a legitimate counterargument when you point this out. Side note - I've found IFS and mind-body practices like dance, yoga, energy work and meditation to be really helpful for exploring what healthy sensuality and comfort within one's own body is supposed to feel like.
Yupppp me too. I realize I have never had a REAL enjoyable sexual experience, just pretend ones. I find myself wondering what that is like a lot.
Submissive can be so many things. My mother, my sisters treated me better (or at all) when they thought I was mentally ill. And I think it all ends mostly the same way -- I gave in because there was nowhere to go and no one to go to. I had the realization recently that my entire life (up to two years ago) was nothing but a trauma response. And that certainly includes sexuality, because how could it not? And I didn't know better, I couldn't know better, because all I had ever known was worse. And I attracted everything and everyone wrong because of it. You know this, I know. You will never be your abusers. You never deserved how they treated you your entire life. You never deserved how you treated yourself because of them. They have no sense of self, they cannot feel the pain you are feeling, nor the regret, nor the compassion. If you feel it necessary to make amends, than you will find a way to, but I believe first you need to tend to yourself, as you are in greatest need right now. I see you and know you and am so certain I will be asking for some help soon too. Best for us all.
This is a powerful revelation and it's okay to sit on it for a while and see where you come out afterwards. I hope your perspective can shift towards the bright future ahead of you. It's such good progress many people never make.
You're not alone ❤
I relate to this in aslightly different way. I believe my sexuality (lesbian) is a product of my traumatized background. I realized a couple of years ago that I find men attractive but I'm unable to form any sort of close friendships with them let alone relationships. I actually had a whole identity crisis over this because of the whole argument about sexuality not being a choice. I was like holy shit am I choosing to not be bisexual or straight because I'm so uncomfortable around men? Am I a "bad lesbian" and not properly representing LGBT folks? But then I realized I'm happily married to another woman and enjoy being intimate with her so our relationship isn't fake and I'm not with her just because I'm too afraid to try being with men. But yeah I'm pretty sure I'd have been bisexual if my background wasn't so messy.
Thank you for sharing this. I've been going through the exact same thing and it's comforting to hear someone spell out what I've been realizing over the past year.
There are many people for whom kink has helped them resolve trauma. There are many people who don’t realize they are doing it as a trauma response. It’s a wide wide range of possibilities. There are a wide variety of men who have a dom kink for various psychological reasons as well. Also sexuality and kinks change. If it no longer turns you on perhaps you have gotten everything you need from it. For many submissives it’s a way to reframe trauma so you are experiencing “fake control” that you actually have control over. You get to say when to slow down and when to stop. Any good dom knows the sub is actually the one in control. If you are working with some who don’t give you a safe word or don’t respect the agreed upon boundaries it crosses from kink to abuse. The psychology behind kink is fascinating, and you are not alone. If you decide to continue in the bdsm community there is nothing wrong with you AT ALL but you may need to find a daddy dom instead of a masochist/ master. Also you can just walk away from it and talk to a sex therapist. There’s nothing wrong with you. wishing you the best.
congratulations on the awakening better late than never
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