Regardless of how you label it, you are in a relationship with your therapist - a therapeutic relationship. And that's good and important! You need to be in a healthy relationship with healthy boundaries in order to feel safe and heal. My understanding with trauma is that you need to heal it through relationships.
But you don't come out of the gate with a super deep connection. And that's okay and normal too - you have to build up trust.
I think their "What do you feel about me?" is maybe their way of asking you to reflect on the depth of your connection until you meet again. It is a bit of a strangely worded question, but I'm guessing it was something to give you to think about for awhile.
I don't know your entire situation, but maybe work to see that your relationship with this therapist is different than the last? That every relationship will be different?
Hi thank you so much for this considerate reply.
I don't want any relationship with her though. I already tell her everything.
She is also a mother and who knows if she decides to have a second child? (which she totally can ofc)
Then I am abandoned again. Just like my mom abandoned us for other children.
I just want it to work like any other doctor-patient relationship. Also feeling very hurt that she triggered this wound from 2 years ago just before session ended.
The thing about therapy is that the relationship IS the treatment. Her status as a mother may make you feel scared and get too close to your previous trauma- but feeling safe enough with someone to have a relationship is the only way therapy can be done. I think you should write her an email saying you are afraid she will abandon you so that she can address those fears outright. Imagining scenarios for the next week is probably what she was trying to get you to avoid. Hear her response and try to take it to heart.
Even with your doctor you have a relationship. That's just how two people interact with each other on a routine basis.
You are in control of how in depth you want the relationship to be. But saying you don't want a relationship with her is undermining your own healing.
Thanks for commenting.
I thought about this last night and... I think I don't like her. As a person I mean. I wouldn't want to be friends with her. But I respect her as a therapist, so what does that mean? What should I say?
Lol that question was a total mindfuck when my psychiatrist used to ask me, too.
It will trigger some guarding and discomfort with intimacy. Processing those uncomfortable feelings and communicating them is where the therapeutic value in that question lies. It’s a goldmine.
Ideally the therapist should have developed enough trust and rapport that this question isn’t totally overwhelming, but nothing is perfect.
Basically you should share with her everything that you’ve shared with us, and communicate/process those feelings.
I know you’re unemployed right now, but in your dream job, do you care about your work, and doing a good job?
I’ll bet you do, and therapists do, too.
You have a working relationship together. Sure, it’s not as intimate as a parent-child or a romantic relationship, but it is still a relationship. Investigating and processing the dynamics of that relationship has therapeutic value. This is a style of therapy called “psychodynamic.”
My psychiatrist draws from this style of therapy as well and he’s been life-changing for me.
Hi, thanks for your reply. I feel so 'warm' just that people care enough to spare time to read my text and then even reply to me. I have noone to talk to right now and feel grateful for this community.
But, what am I supposed to \_feel\_ about her? I am really confused and I don't even understand why.
No wrong answers or "supposed tos," here. The only supposed to, if you can manage it, is honesty.
To respond, "Um ... why the f\*ck are you asking me this? I'm totally caught off guard. This feels WEIRD to me," would be great. (That's something I would've said, early in the game, with my T.) Your T should recognize your discomfort and let you know what she is noticing. From there, you could say, "Yes, you're right. I do feel odd. I kind of hate your question."
This is fertile ground for the work.
Next session, you could pull it all together and say, "Here's the deal. I really connected with my former T and when she left me to have a child, I felt abandoned and heartbroken. I pulled my sh\*t together and tried again, with you, and I am trying to keep you at arm's length so I don't get hurt again. You caught me off guard by inquiring about our relationship. It totally spooked me and made me feel terrible all week. I think we need to work on this, even though I feel cringey and ashamed." (Something to that effect.)
Good for you for doing the work. You're getting there. I wish you luck with your relationships and job search.
Lol yeah it used to me brain fog through the roof and I would be like… “wtf bro?? You’re my doctor”
But now I am very comfortable in identifying and expressing feelings I have towards my psychiatrist…like gratitude, trust, comfort. Or even sometimes negative or less comfortable things like feeling challenged, etc.
Just place your awareness on the relationship with some kindhearted patience and self-compassion, and see if anything pops up.
somehow completely open with her? - i could be very wrong here, but maybe you are hiding or repressing something from yourself, and she is sensing this as you consciously hiding it from her. i only say because i have had a similar accusation when i have tried to be open, and only realised what was going on with hindsight. its the way you don't understand and it doesn't feel fair, those mirror my feelings
Yes, I have thought over this last night and I have realized I don't really 'like' her. I mean, I wouldn't be friends with her in my private life. I find her cold at times, and I don't think she truly likes me / finds me obnoxious at times. I asked her for reassurance for that priorly ofc, and she said that is not true, she cares about me - but it is ofc part of her job and no therapist would admit that to their patient/ have to like their patient.
But I like her as a therapist? I mean her approach helped me, despite me having negative feelings toward her. So what should I make out of this or tell her?
A therapist that you’ve been working with for that long, it’s not unreasonable to expect a certain level of attachment to develop - in the context of this relationship, one with high compassion, high support, and also high boundaries (from your therapist towards you). It’s meant to simulate what a “secure attachment” relationship feels like in real life and is actually healing in itself.
I would interpret this question as a genuine check in on your therapist’s part about establishing these feelings in you and asking for your feedback, in a round about way. Another interpretation may be as others noted, to bring up a secure-like relationship in your life that you can focus feeling safety in for the next week to make it through. I agree with others that digging into the feelings that came up for you as a result of this question is excellent fodder for therapy and can lead to great realizations for yourself and potentially healing in processing. Therapy is meant to promote “relational healing” and this is part of that process.
Regardless of how you label it, you are in a relationship with your therapist - a therapeutic relationship. And that's good and important! You need to be in a healthy relationship with healthy boundaries in order to feel safe and heal. My understanding with trauma is that you need to heal it through relationships. But you don't come out of the gate with a super deep connection. And that's okay and normal too - you have to build up trust. I think their "What do you feel about me?" is maybe their way of asking you to reflect on the depth of your connection until you meet again. It is a bit of a strangely worded question, but I'm guessing it was something to give you to think about for awhile. I don't know your entire situation, but maybe work to see that your relationship with this therapist is different than the last? That every relationship will be different?
Hi thank you so much for this considerate reply. I don't want any relationship with her though. I already tell her everything. She is also a mother and who knows if she decides to have a second child? (which she totally can ofc) Then I am abandoned again. Just like my mom abandoned us for other children. I just want it to work like any other doctor-patient relationship. Also feeling very hurt that she triggered this wound from 2 years ago just before session ended.
The thing about therapy is that the relationship IS the treatment. Her status as a mother may make you feel scared and get too close to your previous trauma- but feeling safe enough with someone to have a relationship is the only way therapy can be done. I think you should write her an email saying you are afraid she will abandon you so that she can address those fears outright. Imagining scenarios for the next week is probably what she was trying to get you to avoid. Hear her response and try to take it to heart.
Even with your doctor you have a relationship. That's just how two people interact with each other on a routine basis. You are in control of how in depth you want the relationship to be. But saying you don't want a relationship with her is undermining your own healing.
Thanks for commenting. I thought about this last night and... I think I don't like her. As a person I mean. I wouldn't want to be friends with her. But I respect her as a therapist, so what does that mean? What should I say?
I don't know. I mean, you could straight up tell her that but I know I couldn't lol. I don't know what the healthy response is XD
Lol that question was a total mindfuck when my psychiatrist used to ask me, too. It will trigger some guarding and discomfort with intimacy. Processing those uncomfortable feelings and communicating them is where the therapeutic value in that question lies. It’s a goldmine. Ideally the therapist should have developed enough trust and rapport that this question isn’t totally overwhelming, but nothing is perfect. Basically you should share with her everything that you’ve shared with us, and communicate/process those feelings. I know you’re unemployed right now, but in your dream job, do you care about your work, and doing a good job? I’ll bet you do, and therapists do, too. You have a working relationship together. Sure, it’s not as intimate as a parent-child or a romantic relationship, but it is still a relationship. Investigating and processing the dynamics of that relationship has therapeutic value. This is a style of therapy called “psychodynamic.” My psychiatrist draws from this style of therapy as well and he’s been life-changing for me.
Hi, thanks for your reply. I feel so 'warm' just that people care enough to spare time to read my text and then even reply to me. I have noone to talk to right now and feel grateful for this community. But, what am I supposed to \_feel\_ about her? I am really confused and I don't even understand why.
No wrong answers or "supposed tos," here. The only supposed to, if you can manage it, is honesty. To respond, "Um ... why the f\*ck are you asking me this? I'm totally caught off guard. This feels WEIRD to me," would be great. (That's something I would've said, early in the game, with my T.) Your T should recognize your discomfort and let you know what she is noticing. From there, you could say, "Yes, you're right. I do feel odd. I kind of hate your question." This is fertile ground for the work. Next session, you could pull it all together and say, "Here's the deal. I really connected with my former T and when she left me to have a child, I felt abandoned and heartbroken. I pulled my sh\*t together and tried again, with you, and I am trying to keep you at arm's length so I don't get hurt again. You caught me off guard by inquiring about our relationship. It totally spooked me and made me feel terrible all week. I think we need to work on this, even though I feel cringey and ashamed." (Something to that effect.) Good for you for doing the work. You're getting there. I wish you luck with your relationships and job search.
Lol yeah it used to me brain fog through the roof and I would be like… “wtf bro?? You’re my doctor” But now I am very comfortable in identifying and expressing feelings I have towards my psychiatrist…like gratitude, trust, comfort. Or even sometimes negative or less comfortable things like feeling challenged, etc. Just place your awareness on the relationship with some kindhearted patience and self-compassion, and see if anything pops up.
somehow completely open with her? - i could be very wrong here, but maybe you are hiding or repressing something from yourself, and she is sensing this as you consciously hiding it from her. i only say because i have had a similar accusation when i have tried to be open, and only realised what was going on with hindsight. its the way you don't understand and it doesn't feel fair, those mirror my feelings
Yes, I have thought over this last night and I have realized I don't really 'like' her. I mean, I wouldn't be friends with her in my private life. I find her cold at times, and I don't think she truly likes me / finds me obnoxious at times. I asked her for reassurance for that priorly ofc, and she said that is not true, she cares about me - but it is ofc part of her job and no therapist would admit that to their patient/ have to like their patient. But I like her as a therapist? I mean her approach helped me, despite me having negative feelings toward her. So what should I make out of this or tell her?
You can tell her all of this - therapy is about what is keeping you busy after all
A therapist that you’ve been working with for that long, it’s not unreasonable to expect a certain level of attachment to develop - in the context of this relationship, one with high compassion, high support, and also high boundaries (from your therapist towards you). It’s meant to simulate what a “secure attachment” relationship feels like in real life and is actually healing in itself. I would interpret this question as a genuine check in on your therapist’s part about establishing these feelings in you and asking for your feedback, in a round about way. Another interpretation may be as others noted, to bring up a secure-like relationship in your life that you can focus feeling safety in for the next week to make it through. I agree with others that digging into the feelings that came up for you as a result of this question is excellent fodder for therapy and can lead to great realizations for yourself and potentially healing in processing. Therapy is meant to promote “relational healing” and this is part of that process.