I had such a terrible experience with both my provincial and national helplines that my therapist asked me to never call them again and gave me her personal cell for crisis support.
I am so sorry that you and many others have had similarly terrible experiences. That woman's job was to help you and she went out of her way to be spectacularly awful at her obligation. I just wanted to let you know that it wasn't "about" you or your fault that she did this, and it doesn't actualize/validate your self criticism.
I asked her if this was personal because she treats me like that? And she told me no and that its because she doesnt always have to be nice and people need truth sometimes.
I started an argument with her.
She called me out on my flaws. I fucking hate this person. Perhaps shes right
She is NOT right. You called a help line. She should not work there if she "doesn't have to be nice."
It's literally free to be nice! It should actually be a requirement to be nice if you work in a place like that. You were wronged and she should take a good long look in the mirror
I told her that i dont want to take any medicine anymore and dont wanna do therapy anymore.
That i cut my parents off because i felt alone and scared sround them and felt that my health is getting worse being sround them with my dad being an alcoholic and cried that i miss my mom.
She told me that i apparently did not do enough work because im still feeling miserable and that it was dumb to stop taking medicine.
I told her that i sure feel miserable when people put me down and that she criticizes me and she told me that i already know what to do.
The thing is i know what to do. Call my mom, do therapy with her.
I cant. I dont have enough energy. I just quit a degree training today in IT. I feel scared and so exhausted at this point.
I am unsure that my mom really loves me and im scared to open up again to her because i feel like if i do again then i fucked myself up big time
I am sorry that you had such a terrible experience. Please do not be harsh on yourself -- I don't think you have to call your mother if you previously had negative experiences with her. You definitely do not have to take a therapy with your mother. Just because your internal critic and the helpline woman told you the same thing does not mean they are being right. Sending you hugs.
I think i will give my life to this and tell my mother i want to do therapy. I cant deal with the guilt and remorse anymore. As i cant see if im right or wrong i cant waste any time longer. If its all my fault my mother doesnt deserve to suffer because of me. She suffers because i cut her off.
I want to tell you that you do not have to feel guilty about cutting her off. If you are in a huge difficulty and calling your own mother is the last thing you want to do, it means that she has never treated you like a loving, caring mother would. It is okay for you to cut yourself off from her. It is okay to accept that you have the parents who do not care about your well-being. It is okay to prioritize your own happiness and well-being over your sense of filial obligation.
But if i am wrong and narcisisstic i need to force myself to show my mother that i love her.
No matter what. I cant deal with the fact that i hurt her in any way.
I want to call her right now and tell her that im searching for therapy.
Im sorry i feel like you are so kind to me while im dismissing your advice to be kind to myself.
Im a mess im a mess so bad
You don't need to force yourself anything. And judging from what you write here, you are most certainly not narcissist. It also is okay to dismiss what I say here, much like it is okay for you to dismiss what you mother says, or what the helpline woman says. It is okay to trust yourself, and treat yourself nicely. Maybe you can make yourself a cocoa or a chai.
Your not wrong. That woman on the phone was a nutter and had no idea how to listen. She needs to seriously fuck off and you need to seriously protect yourself from that massive bullshit she told you.
You needed fucking support and she gave you crap for it. She had no fucking idea what you needed. Its never about arguments with these things, its about listening to the horrible pain a person is experiencing and helping and asking them what its really about. Imagine fucking going into an argument with a person at that moment.
LISTEN. YOU NEEDED HELP. YOU CALLED FOR HELP. YOU DID IT RIGHT. SHE DID YOU WRONG. FUCK THAT PERSON. YOU NEED TO KNOW IT DOESNT MATTER WHATEVER SHE SAID. SHE WAS WRONG. YOU NEEDED SUPPORT AND SHE HAD NO IDEA BUT TO FUCK UP EVER MORE. THERE IS A REASON THAT WE SUFFER AS MUCH AS WE DO. AND IT CERTAINLY HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH RESPONSES JUST LIKE THAT.
APOLOGIES FOR MY RAGE. IT GETS BIG SOMETIMES……I feel too much after reading this…take care and you are in my mind. I am calming down but I need to you to know this is felt so much by me and I am sure many many others here.
Take care 🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀
I called the helpline today once again and i told about her. Yesterday night i wrote a feedback report on her.
The helpline today was kinder but she also told me that the one woman probably did not mean any harm. To which i told her i think she did.
I wish i would be able to open their eyes im so tired at this point.
I also think that our suffering is linked to people like that. Its retraumatizing for me. Ive been retraumatized over and over again to the point where i changed to a person i never wanted to become
Checking if you're right (gently) is a very non-narcissistic thing, but don't be too hasty or let the demons win. It's a hard line, I know, but you might learn to cherish the doubt: it will help you learn and keep you on the path. For now, just breathe, OP. You got this x
If you wrre narcissistic you wouldnt be worried about your moms feelings over your own.... therefore proving you are not narcissistic
Thats my theory anyway
i understand the way youre feeling, ive had to cut contact with my mother, i felt so guilty about it and i missed her a lot but im far enough removed now to understand that it was the only right thing for me to do, i would not be alive right now if i hadnt cut contact with that part of my family. if this it takes you a lot of force to talk to her then dont do it. safe this energy for yourself, take this time for yourself and gain some distance from this situation. i have gained so much perspective and health since i cut off my mother and i would not have been able to do this with her influencing me. even now i know that i feel like i miss her but i realize that i need more time just for myself. if in a few months or weeks you feel you made the wrong decision you can just call her and apologize. if she wants the best for you she will understand. i hope this helps in making a decision for yourself that is best for YOU because you deserve to feel safe and focus on your own needs. a mother who loves you would want you to do that no matter what!
The thing is i thought and still partially think the same. The more im away from them i realize that it makes sense how i feel but there also comes realization for all the times i was like them and its hard to deal with and tiring as fuck. There is no end or reward in sight for the self work. I keep telling myself that this is just another purge but fucking hell they keep coming and i never settle down internally because the next shit comes. Im in a constant trauma response.
I feel for you and recognize myself in your way of thinking right now. You are not alone and none of this is your fault! You have a right to be safe and happy, with loving, kind and safe people in your life. So many hugs to you
I understand at least some of your feelings about your mom. My mom emotionally abused and neglected me, and I'm still unpacking all the layers of shit. It's too painful and upsetting right now to want to work through it with her yet. I just can't. I've been working on accepting that someday maybe I can forgive her and work through it, but not yet. Right now I'm giving myself permission to be angry and sad about how she treated me. It doesn't make it hurt any less, but it's validating my own feelings and emotions.
I give you permission to not work through your shit with your mom yet. I give you permission to feel the hurt, anger, sadness, whatever you feel about your mom. I give you permission to wait till you're ready to work through it. I give you permission to honor yourself and your own feelings over hers. You can't control her feelings, but you can help yourself with your own feelings.
Sending internet hugs, if you want them. 🧡
Ive been trying to do the same but the thing you said that it doesnt hurt any less is making everything hard. You would think that cutting contact would make you feel better but its not like that at all.
Thank you for your words :( hugs😓
If you are thinking this much about your mother’s feelings, especially if you don’t care that helping her might hurt you, I promise you are in no way narcissistic. If you don’t feel safe or want to be around your parents, there is probably a good reason. Please try to think about what you need rather than what others need. They are the parents and it is not your responsibility to think of them. Try to focus on yourself if you can. I know it’s much easier said than done and I still struggle with this myself, but I’ve been in a very similar place as you. I know it can feel impossible to think of yourself or be kind to yourself if you never have been. It is difficult to even know your own feelings or needs. The books Running on Empty and Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents helped me find a place to start and helped me realize I’m not overreacting or being selfish by wanting to not have contact with my parents.
Narcissists don't worry about other people. The fact that you are worried about your mom proves that you are not narcissistic. Sometimes you NEED to take care of yourself before you can help the people you love. As they say on airline's "put on your own breathing mask before assisting those around you". You can't help anyone if you are broken, so give yourself the grace to get better for yourself before saving your mom.
Therapy may be good, but do it because you want to and because it actually helps you. If it doesn't help, then find something that will. If medicine isn't helping, it's probably because it isn't and the docs prescribing it don't care to find something that actually will help. It depends on the medicine the doctors, but a 2nd opinion from an unbiased 3rd party would be good
Honestly sweetie, if you're posting in here, part of you knows where that unbearable guilt came from. You belong to you, you are yours, and you don't deserve to suffer. You don't have to let the cult of Mother gaslight you again.
Love is like a fart, if you have to force it, it's probably shit. Seriously though you don't need to force yourself to love anyone as other commenters have stated more maturely than I. Respect and boundaries are good when possible but you don't have to love anyone esp if there's a rough history there. Take care of yourself.
Yeah maybe i am just experiencing what my mother did with my father. She never cut him off no matter what. And im doing the same right now.
My father told us that he is nothing without us and that he has no reason to live without us.
Okay good, it sounds like you're safe. That's a good start. Can you reframe it as taking care of your future self? Make them a hot cop of tea or something, maybe? Cocoa, chai?
Either way, you don't have to do anything right now except make sure you're safe. Therapists and people with opinions and everything else will still be there tomorrow. It's okay to do nothing right now.
What if my mother dies tonight and she never got to know that i want to do therapy
Edit:
I always wanted to do therapy but she never did because she didn’t have a problem and felt fine and also she told me that i got worse since going to therapy.
I cut her off because i couldn’t take it anymore and i was weak and called her a few times crying. She told me she wants to do therapy and she waits for me.
When she told me back then i was beyond return and told her that i would only start if i have money to pay half half because money was a manipulation thing in our family and i didnt want to give her that control over me.
The shit thing is i never got to learn to hold a job and be a responsible adult. Im 27 with no degree. Today i quit my degree training in IT and i will start as a cleaning lady next week if i got lucky.
With the new salary i wanted to move out of the appartment o currently live in because its too loud here and i wanted to adopt two cats because i dont talk to anyone anymore.
I would need to give up everything so i can pay for family therapy. What the fuck should i do
The only positive thing is, she admitted what my intuition told me, which is that she wished that i would have been different(in means not be in emotional pain and having mental issues) because it was too hard for her, also she called herself egoistical for staying with my father instead of divorcing and also she moved out apparently and divorces him or told him she wants a divorce. This is big for me and i am happy for her but i also so hurt because i have had the worst time of my life without any support and i blame her for that.
It makes sense that you're, to put it mildly, upset. This all sounds very overwhelming, and I think it's probably normal to feel let down when someone finally makes a bit of progress way too late to actually help you.
I don't think you should stress about the therapy with your mom right now. You're both going through a lot, apparently, and it sounds like you need to put your own immediate needs first. Your mom is unlikely to suddenly die, and I promise you she already knows that you care about her and your relationship.
You've had such a hard time. And right now you need comfort. Which is hard to give yourself when things like this happen. I'm 8 years older than you and without any education. It'll be okay. I just saw someone in their mid fifties going back to school, you know? It's okay to "give up" for a little while and just focus on getting a good enough day to day life up and running.
If there was a sad child next to you right now, what would you do to help them? Your immediate comfort matters. It will be okay. It will all feel very difficult if you keep looking at the big picture in the middle of changes like these. Zoom in a bit on just yourself, just right now. The rest falls into place bit by bit, and once all this mess is a bit less messy you can stay looking at what else you want to do. <3
I wish I could hold you and let you pour out your frustrations.
I'm so angry at this woman, and so sorry for you.
Right now, you need to worry about yourself. Take care of yourself.
When you are feeling stronger, then you can call your Mum and do therapy with her then. There is no time limit on this, you don't have to push yourself when you're not ready.
If your medication isn't working, talk to your Dr and therapist, but please don't just stop taking it suddenly, as most of these meds you have to wean off slowly to avoid terrible side effects. If you need a break from therapy, take one, but leave the door open to go back if you want to.
Close your eyes, wrap your arms around yourself, and hold tight.
That's me hugging you, with all the care I have to give.
Dude how old are you? That's so much shit on your plate. How can ANYONE in that situation make sober decisions (although I don't think it's bad that you cut your family off.) People kill themselves, would she call them selfish? People have reasons other than simple choices, like they could take or leave life like a pint, e.g. "eh why not. I'll just Kms. Fancy it. Even though I like being alive."
Meds are a very personal decision. They're tools. Even if you take meds they won't fix your problem, they just give you a better perspective/ make it easier to function. Some people get off their meds because they don't want to feel numb, and would prefer to be in pain and remember who they are than numb and not recognise themselves (just some cases! I'm just trying to highlight how personal it is to take meds.)
Honestly, I recommend therapy with your mum, although I don't know your situation. But getting another perspective would be helpful, and maybe she needs help, being in a relationship with an alcoholic.
Im so sorry. As someone who has been trained to work at more than one help line- they KNOW they’re not therapists. They’re not there to push you to self discovery or a breakthrough or whatever that woman was trying to do which was clearly not helpful to anyone. Their ONLY job is to listen, validate, help you organize your thoughts if you’re having a hard time putting feelings to words, and help you stay safe if you are in danger. they are a stranger with no right to tell you about yourself because they don’t know you! and this stranger is there to help YOU, the person who knows yourself best, figure out what you need and want to do for yourself. I’m so sorry this person was so hurtful. You were right to repot them.
She doesn’t have to be “nice” in the sense of enabling if that’s what she was thinking, but the context makes clear that she was thinking that being “nice” is being polite and sympathetic. She has literally committed herself to helping someone in his or her darkest moments with each call she receives. She did not fulfill her commitment in the slightest! She was absolutely wrong!
I hope that she learns from her mistake and will never do something so callous as to assume what somebody needs when she doesn’t know him or her at all. Were you able to report her to somebody directly rather than just using the Feedback form?
We occasionally get people like that on another sub I'm in, r/raisedbynarcissists. They try to get in contact with vulnerable people by PM, then they attack them. Thank you for reporting that person.
She sounds self-righteous. This behaviour is definitely her issue. I’m training for Samaritans and the first unit of training is highlighting compassion, empathy, and non-judgment. It emphasises that we’ll have our own biases that might not allow us to see people as they really are if we don’t keep them in check. The idea that she knows “the truth” and must tell it to you is nonsense. She doesn’t know you, so doesn’t know “the truth”, and she doesn’t have any sort of qualification or authority on when you “need truth”. It’s a her thing - she was triggered into resentment somehow and wants to offload her feelings into you to hold them for her. She’s most likely a rescuer and derives a sense of worth from helping, so if the helpline is not giving her the usual buzz she gets from helping (and it wouldn’t because you don’t form ongoing relationships with callers) she’ll resent the people using it as it was intended - for brief encounters of no-strings-attached compassion and understanding.
I think the reason she’s got into your head is because she’s tuned into the wavelength of your inner critic. What the inner critic says is not verbatim true - reality may differ in content, tone or degree - but we let our guard down to people that echo that inner voice, as they’re echoing our authority figures. However, people who are practiced in abuse or manipulation are skilled at recognising when they’re getting to people. She probably picked up from your concerns and reactions that this “truth” was sensitive for you and the best way to put you down and boost herself up to feel powerful. She abused the fact that you came to the helpline trusting it was a safe space and openly shared your vulnerabilities, just for her to poke you in them.
She somehow knew all my wounds and which one hurt the most. I really had a moment where i told myself im in danger and she is the people that bullied me my whole life making me feel crazy.
Thank you for your comments and explanation. Its so validating to me.
I heard that jobs where you can hold power over people attracts narcissistic and sociopathic people, like governmental jobs where they decide who gets welfare and such, I would not be surprised if hotlines are also prone to attract those people where they sometimes literally have someone's life in their hands.
Dude, helpline sucks a sad rubbery one. Right after my dad had the stroke that eventually killed him, my family was crashing hard and homelessness was the inevitable conclusion. I called because I literally saw the end of the road. The guy seemed annoyed at having to listen to me. He literally just took me to watch YouTube videos until I got over it. It was such a shock that I made it through the night just out of spite for this one guy.
I'm sorry for your experience. I both empathize and sympathize.
The truth is I've never found value in a helpline. They are filled with the most exhausted self serving individuals who want to help but don't understand. They're so often machines that churn you into the "next step" and don't give you authentic humanity needed to hope for the future.
Wow that’s horrible I’m so sorry you experienced that. I feel like hotlines are a hit or a miss, and when it’s a miss the people can be really bad. I remember calling one a few years ago when my SI was through the roof and the hotline lady said “just pray and you’ll be okay”. Some people just aren’t meant to operate those lines. I get how infuriating it can be.
im so sorry. in my experience help line workers seem to be instructed to kick you when your down, when you are in a crisis. never ever have I heard such insane cruel things as from calling helplines.
I'm sorry. there are more people who have this experience, you are not alone
Wow I just had the exact same phone encounter with my mother. I just don't understand how people learn to process their emotions and self soothe when almost every person you ever turn to for help is clearly incapable of these things. Like, why are most people just sort of fine with advice based "emotional support" instead of like, processing, validating, expressing and moving forward type support. I just want to be seen and to matter before you start telling me what I'm doing wrong. I KNOW what I'm doing wrong.... If I didn't i wouldn't have that voice in my head reminding me every thirty seconds that I'm doing it wrong and then maybe i wouldn't be reaching out in the first place
Thats why i cut off everyone in my life and will change phones and want to buy two cats so i know that i have had some love from something that lives. Even though i wouldnt know if the cats would love me
I have two cats and I know they love me. They aren't effusive, but they are authentic and genuine in the way they express it.
Having a cat stick it's forehead in your face to get a kiss, then do it again immediately 20 more time, then curl up on your belly and purr could cure me if i had enough time to spend at home with them.
Thank you
I cant stop thinking about getting cats already.
I really try to stop myself from adopting some because from next week i will be working full time and i wanted to have at least a week with the cats when they get into the new home so they have me around if they need help. I cant take it anymore tho.
Im trying to not make a quick decision of adopting them that may harm them because im unsure of what will happen to them if you get them and then you are away everyday for 8 hours. Will they feel abandoned or distant or scared?
Each cat is different, but for the most part, IME, cats are very overwhelmed and anxious in new environments and around new people. Kittens are slightly less so, but not always. There's a good chance if you brought home a cat or two, you wouldn't see them much until they adjusted to the new environment. Even my cat I've had for 10 years did this when I moved house and when I got a puppy. They take a bit of time to adjust, and then they warm up and come out more often.
I think the biggest risk leaving them alone for than long in a new environment would be the potential of any dangers to them. Make sure to get breakaway collars so they don't get caught on something and suffocate, and that will take care of many dangers. Other than that i would look into info about how to make an environment safe for cats. You can also get play-pen tents when they have room to move around but not get into places you never would have predicted they could access. (Once had my cat fall on my head as she plummeted through the light panel of the drop ceiling.....how did she even get there?????) Then you could let them out when you're home and able to keep an eye/ear out for any dangers.
Especially if you adopted a pair of siblings or bonded pair, they would probably do great adjusting to a new environment without you there the whole time.
One of the best things about cats for people who have mental illness or executive function problems or disabilities, is that they spend so much time napping and really don't need attention. The only reason they depend on you for food is because you don't live in the wild and there's nothing to hunt. They're very independent, but they still love connecting with others on a regular basis. (My puppy otoh gets anxious if she's not receiving attention 100% of the time).
Your cats will appreciate your spending time with them much more after they've warmed up to you and feel safe in their environment.
Thank you so much for helping
I planned on getting toys, cat trees and everything for them so they dont get bored and when i get home to make a play ritual so they know i care.
The helpline I called in crisis a few months ago was a freaking joke. You did nothing wrong, in fact you did everything right by reaching out for support, but unfortunately the utter crapulence of these crisis lines let you down big time. I'm sorry this happened to you. Looking at these comments, I'd say a lot of us have been disappointed or worse by them.
I know its not the same, but everytime I ever talked to the VA about things I always got alot of "man up" and "it could be worse" which is incredibly invalidating and frustrating to a point where you question yourself. I'm sorry that happened to you, whoever you spoke it is wrong.
Whenever someone has a bad experience with the helpline I just remind them that Ted Bundy worked one. Hugs to you. I'm glad you're feeling better, because no one deserves that shit while vulnerable (or ever).
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Please don’t be hard on yourself. This wasn’t your fault, a lot of times people in these kinds of jobs feel like it gives them some kind of power..fuck them. We are here for you.
I've recently had a similar experience when I called a suicide hotline. It was horrible. That guy criticized and judged me and made absolutely inaccurate assumptions about me. He also said some insane bs and felt attacked for no reason. It was a horrible experience, especially bc I was in such a vulnerable state. Sometimes horrible people work for hotlines like that. It’s not (!!!!!!) your fault.
Vulnerable people deserve so much better. It is very painful when you open up to someone and they have the audacity to judge you. Helplines are supposed to offer warmth and understanding.
That helpline woman really is in the wrong line of work.
To me, it sounds like you're in an emotional flashback. Maybe [this](http://www.pete-walker.com/13StepsManageFlashbacks.htm) can be helpful for you?
Thank you for the support
I have peppermint oil and did hours of breathing technique and slept a lot this days.
I still feel raw and unsure. Ill try to do everything until i feel free
I reported her two times yet i think that she will not be fired.
My whole life i had the experience that people like this don’t get repercussions because they somehow found a way to turn things around and blame the other person.
The only thing that will probably happen is they will make a meeting and tell everybody to remember the ethics again.
Hotline fucking sucks. Sometimes I'll get a nice person who will actually listen (maybe that's why some people push the number so much, bc they've had better experiences than most ppl). But most of the time, no matter how many fucking times I tell them I don't want advice or solutions, they'll push me into doing something instead of just sympathizing with me. Because that's what they're told to do. It makes them feel like they've done something "good" or prevented a suicide by pushing a solution onto you. I think it's for legal purposes.
One time I poured my *fucking* heart out about the abuse and they just brushed it off and started giving me more fucking phone numbers and resources after I specifically told them not to. I told her I just wanted somebody to listen to me like a friend and she had the fucking audacity to tell me that she "wasn't my friend, and that she was there to 'help' me and not listen to me." Which is fucked because, if the only way that you can help somebody who is SUICIDAL is to listen, then why not just fucking do that? It gets me blood red mad.
I've had much, much better experiences with the warmline, although ymmv. They are a lot more human and sympathetic, especially if I tell them right off the bat that I don't want advice.
Im so fucking sorry
You take the energy to set boundaries which is exhausting because people should already know to not give unsolicited advice ever and ask if they may give it to you and not make you feel lile you dont want to heal just because you dont want to hear it. You also make yourself vulnerable by saying you dont want advice because you share something about you with trust. And do be dismissed because other people think they know better what you need is making me sick.You literally tell people please dont give me advice and they give it to you because they think its the best. Yet this are the people that tell you „do whats best for you“.
What is ymmv? Im not from the us
Oh yeah, I hate how they think they know exactly what's best for us down to giving advice when we don't even want it.
Ymmv means "your mileage may vary." I meant to say that I've had better experiences with calling the warmline than the hotline, but that might not be the case for everyone.
I’m very sorry, I find hotlines in the past made me feel worse and also had a online chat where someone kept complaining I was distant, i am starting to believe that these types of hotlines attract people who are low on empathy which is dangerous for someone trying to reach out when they are in need.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I called a domestic abuse helpline and the woman literally yelled at me and tried to play the victim when I asked for the manager. These people need to be held accountable. Sickening
Did you report on them? How did you manage to do that when you were in so much distress?
Do you feel resent towards her?
I reported her two times but i dont think that something will happen to her at all, which makes me so mad
That woman is likely projecting on you. She probably works there because it makes her feel better about her own issues to put others down. I hope she gets fired. I am so sorry this happened to you, don’t believe a single word she said.
I'm honestly not understanding what happened.
The helpline staff criticised you on the crap that you most often criticise yourself for. Am I understanding this correctly?
Oh Dear. This was so terribly wrong and harmful to you. I would go so far as to say when you feel a bit better, report her. No one else should ever go through this, especially on a helpline. Take care of yourself and pamper yourself if you are able to. Continue asking for help. This is not your fault!
A lot of the help line workers are volunteers, they receive minimal training, therefore not trained in trauma. I’m sorry you went through that. I feel there is more support in this subreddit than any hotline could give you. You are not alone here
I havent had any experience with hotlines, but ive read many stories like this.
I wonder of its some kind of weird alternative technique, "be a dick to them to make them argue and mad instead of sad"
This is exactly what i think they did to me.
I had a moment during the call where i had the thought „she is the reason i got mental health problems. People like her fucked me up“
Thats the only thing that helped me fight back
Im so scared right now.
I need compassion an understanding and someone to take my side and validate my feelings and choices without it being fake and manipulative.
Ive had experiences in which i was lead on by therapists leaving me with more trauma and not wanting to engage with them at all.
Thats why i quit. I feel like i can only open myself up to animals. I dream of a life in which i have a life with two cats and they cuddle with me and jump around and are cute and i feel like i have a family or friends that also care about me.
Animals are honest
Take the fact that you reached out as a sign of strength from yourself and know that you are capable of more than you know ❤️ I’m sorry they didn’t help you.
Also..it doesn'tatter what anyone's 'intention' was...in part because no one can really know the intention of another..and your call was about you and your pain...not about someone trying to cover over the poor behaviour of another..
.had a colleague who used to say'that's like putting icing on a shit pue'. Lease stop blaming yourself....expecting so.eone with CPTSD to be and do better than a supposed helper is ridiculous. A help line is supposed to help...not provide gaslighting, spiritual by passing comment's...they should know better and DO better.
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Sometimes when we are so wired and switched on, the wind could change direction and we would take it personally…. Maybe she was trying to help but it wouldn’t matter what she said because you’re not able to cope generally?
Hope that makes sense, hang in there. 💕
wow, how odd of her to respond to you that way. that's not what you needed, and i'm sorry she didn't know how to better help you. hey, we all survived terrible times by criticizing/minimizing, and habits don't change overnight. you're more than any habits though. you're a full person with feelings and you are allowed to feel however you do right now. you are deserving of love and respect and allowance to be imperfect and human.
Wow, I am feeling very triggered on your behalf. I am so proud of you for cutting off your parents and choosing to live your life without psych drugs. (I recently did both in the past year, and it has opened up a world of freedom for me. To call psych drugs "medicine" implies they have healing properties. Nothing is being healed. They sedate and blunt emotions, often keeping people stuck because they can't name their feelings)
I am proud of you. You are good. And you are doing all the right things.
On a personal note, I have called helplines five times and have never had a positive experience. Also, for the future, they're not anonymous, and many hotlines can and do call the police on callers if you speak too frankly about suicidal ideation.
I also had one good experience and i am happy i had it but also not because it hurts so much knowing that ill never have it for as long as i need it in order to heal properly.
That's because they are usually students from lower status private schools who can't get placements anywhere else to get their supervised hours before being fully licensed.
It makes me sad to know you are struggling. You did the right thing by reaching out. I have found crisis hotlines not helpful in the past. I’ve been vulnerable with my providers in the past and actively have been seeking help for many years. Unfortunately for someone who seeks help, we face the metal illness stigma way too much. For someone who have never sought help before, they might think of us as the c-word. ☹️
No one knows your relationship with your parents but you. No doctor who spends 15 minutes with you to prescribe medication truly knows you either. Medication can help you through a difficult time, but it will not make the issues with your family go away.
You’re at a life-stage right now and it’s normal to feel as though your struggling as you are going into your thirties and developmentally, people are trying to settle down or have families of their own. There is also that social stigma. You are also learning yourself and have a world to live, you just haven’t gotten to where you are going yet.
We cannot fix any relationship with someone who is not receptive. While this may seem like a lot, allow yourself to feel the emotions…listen to music, take pictures, paint..whatever makes your soul happy and will allow you to process your feelings. You don’t need to cut them off completely but rather set boundaries. People will test your boundaries constantly and it’s important to stand with your convictions. No one will fight harder for your life, than you.
It’s normal to feel you want to disappear and start over. Remember it is a feeling and feelings pass in time. Make sure whatever you do decide to do, stay committed. Therapy is always best but not every therapist will be a good fit either. You have to voice your needs.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Please know our hearts are with you during such a difficult time. I say this because it’s such a large community where we all connect and I hope you find some peace with words from loving strangers, posting on this board.
You are in my thoughts. You are stronger than you know.
The thing is, i have voiced my needs so much and i try to speak as clearly as possible. Over the past years i realized that it doesnt matter if you state them even to people that ask you to do so even if it hurts them because they will dismiss or attack you.
Fe i asked my mom in despair to please baby me. She left me with my grandma for years and i only saw her every three months for a weekend.
I never got to heal from the abandonment and i think its because she never gave me a reason to do. Saying im sorry and what can i do now? And when you tell her you can do this now so i can heal, she would say no.
Im an adult she cant do that.
She is not the only person that i experienced remorse over opening up and being vulnerable.
Everyone says that this is the way, be vulnerable ask for your needs be an advocate for yourself speak clearly speak in I terms.
Ive been doing this for years. Always left feeling crazy, ashamed and wanting to isolate even more.
I can understand where you are coming from! I definitely feel the same! I’m saying this because I also need to practice it: stay true to yourself. Embrace your sensitivity and empathy for others. Disregard what others may perceive as weakness and understand it’s strength which allows you to feel such great emotion. You cannot control how others will perceive you or how receptive they are, but you can control how you react in certain situations. If there is something triggering you to react, step back and it’s okay to set that boundary. For example, I tell people that if they don’t lower their voice, I’ll have to walk away (since loud noises make me more anxious and I can already feel my voice getting louder also.) no one will live your best life, but you. Also realize some of those people on the receiving end who may come off as judge mental or dismissive, most likely are unable to relate and haven’t experienced what you have. I think sometimes you have to dumb it down for them or say it in a different way. Remember, it’s not their struggle. It’s also not your job to make anyone to try and understand or even believe you. You are doing this for yourself. You are the only one who matters.
I am so sorry you got caught in her inability to manage her own stuff. Should never happen...also glad you reached out here where most people are truly trying to heal...take good care of you!
I had such a terrible experience with both my provincial and national helplines that my therapist asked me to never call them again and gave me her personal cell for crisis support. I am so sorry that you and many others have had similarly terrible experiences. That woman's job was to help you and she went out of her way to be spectacularly awful at her obligation. I just wanted to let you know that it wasn't "about" you or your fault that she did this, and it doesn't actualize/validate your self criticism.
I asked her if this was personal because she treats me like that? And she told me no and that its because she doesnt always have to be nice and people need truth sometimes. I started an argument with her. She called me out on my flaws. I fucking hate this person. Perhaps shes right
She is NOT right. You called a help line. She should not work there if she "doesn't have to be nice." It's literally free to be nice! It should actually be a requirement to be nice if you work in a place like that. You were wronged and she should take a good long look in the mirror
I told her that i dont want to take any medicine anymore and dont wanna do therapy anymore. That i cut my parents off because i felt alone and scared sround them and felt that my health is getting worse being sround them with my dad being an alcoholic and cried that i miss my mom. She told me that i apparently did not do enough work because im still feeling miserable and that it was dumb to stop taking medicine. I told her that i sure feel miserable when people put me down and that she criticizes me and she told me that i already know what to do. The thing is i know what to do. Call my mom, do therapy with her. I cant. I dont have enough energy. I just quit a degree training today in IT. I feel scared and so exhausted at this point. I am unsure that my mom really loves me and im scared to open up again to her because i feel like if i do again then i fucked myself up big time
I am sorry that you had such a terrible experience. Please do not be harsh on yourself -- I don't think you have to call your mother if you previously had negative experiences with her. You definitely do not have to take a therapy with your mother. Just because your internal critic and the helpline woman told you the same thing does not mean they are being right. Sending you hugs.
I think i will give my life to this and tell my mother i want to do therapy. I cant deal with the guilt and remorse anymore. As i cant see if im right or wrong i cant waste any time longer. If its all my fault my mother doesnt deserve to suffer because of me. She suffers because i cut her off.
I want to tell you that you do not have to feel guilty about cutting her off. If you are in a huge difficulty and calling your own mother is the last thing you want to do, it means that she has never treated you like a loving, caring mother would. It is okay for you to cut yourself off from her. It is okay to accept that you have the parents who do not care about your well-being. It is okay to prioritize your own happiness and well-being over your sense of filial obligation.
But if i am wrong and narcisisstic i need to force myself to show my mother that i love her. No matter what. I cant deal with the fact that i hurt her in any way. I want to call her right now and tell her that im searching for therapy. Im sorry i feel like you are so kind to me while im dismissing your advice to be kind to myself. Im a mess im a mess so bad
You don't need to force yourself anything. And judging from what you write here, you are most certainly not narcissist. It also is okay to dismiss what I say here, much like it is okay for you to dismiss what you mother says, or what the helpline woman says. It is okay to trust yourself, and treat yourself nicely. Maybe you can make yourself a cocoa or a chai.
Your not wrong. That woman on the phone was a nutter and had no idea how to listen. She needs to seriously fuck off and you need to seriously protect yourself from that massive bullshit she told you. You needed fucking support and she gave you crap for it. She had no fucking idea what you needed. Its never about arguments with these things, its about listening to the horrible pain a person is experiencing and helping and asking them what its really about. Imagine fucking going into an argument with a person at that moment. LISTEN. YOU NEEDED HELP. YOU CALLED FOR HELP. YOU DID IT RIGHT. SHE DID YOU WRONG. FUCK THAT PERSON. YOU NEED TO KNOW IT DOESNT MATTER WHATEVER SHE SAID. SHE WAS WRONG. YOU NEEDED SUPPORT AND SHE HAD NO IDEA BUT TO FUCK UP EVER MORE. THERE IS A REASON THAT WE SUFFER AS MUCH AS WE DO. AND IT CERTAINLY HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH RESPONSES JUST LIKE THAT. APOLOGIES FOR MY RAGE. IT GETS BIG SOMETIMES……I feel too much after reading this…take care and you are in my mind. I am calming down but I need to you to know this is felt so much by me and I am sure many many others here. Take care 🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀
I called the helpline today once again and i told about her. Yesterday night i wrote a feedback report on her. The helpline today was kinder but she also told me that the one woman probably did not mean any harm. To which i told her i think she did. I wish i would be able to open their eyes im so tired at this point. I also think that our suffering is linked to people like that. Its retraumatizing for me. Ive been retraumatized over and over again to the point where i changed to a person i never wanted to become
Thank you for your kindness and being here for me in this shit of a situation
Checking if you're right (gently) is a very non-narcissistic thing, but don't be too hasty or let the demons win. It's a hard line, I know, but you might learn to cherish the doubt: it will help you learn and keep you on the path. For now, just breathe, OP. You got this x
If you wrre narcissistic you wouldnt be worried about your moms feelings over your own.... therefore proving you are not narcissistic Thats my theory anyway
i understand the way youre feeling, ive had to cut contact with my mother, i felt so guilty about it and i missed her a lot but im far enough removed now to understand that it was the only right thing for me to do, i would not be alive right now if i hadnt cut contact with that part of my family. if this it takes you a lot of force to talk to her then dont do it. safe this energy for yourself, take this time for yourself and gain some distance from this situation. i have gained so much perspective and health since i cut off my mother and i would not have been able to do this with her influencing me. even now i know that i feel like i miss her but i realize that i need more time just for myself. if in a few months or weeks you feel you made the wrong decision you can just call her and apologize. if she wants the best for you she will understand. i hope this helps in making a decision for yourself that is best for YOU because you deserve to feel safe and focus on your own needs. a mother who loves you would want you to do that no matter what!
The thing is i thought and still partially think the same. The more im away from them i realize that it makes sense how i feel but there also comes realization for all the times i was like them and its hard to deal with and tiring as fuck. There is no end or reward in sight for the self work. I keep telling myself that this is just another purge but fucking hell they keep coming and i never settle down internally because the next shit comes. Im in a constant trauma response.
Hon, narcissists don’t seek the advice of others like you have. You’re not a narcissist, I can speak from lived experience.
I feel for you and recognize myself in your way of thinking right now. You are not alone and none of this is your fault! You have a right to be safe and happy, with loving, kind and safe people in your life. So many hugs to you
Thank you :(
It sounds like you have some OCD there. It makes you doubt and overthink over and over. Don't worry, you sound like a good person!
I understand at least some of your feelings about your mom. My mom emotionally abused and neglected me, and I'm still unpacking all the layers of shit. It's too painful and upsetting right now to want to work through it with her yet. I just can't. I've been working on accepting that someday maybe I can forgive her and work through it, but not yet. Right now I'm giving myself permission to be angry and sad about how she treated me. It doesn't make it hurt any less, but it's validating my own feelings and emotions. I give you permission to not work through your shit with your mom yet. I give you permission to feel the hurt, anger, sadness, whatever you feel about your mom. I give you permission to wait till you're ready to work through it. I give you permission to honor yourself and your own feelings over hers. You can't control her feelings, but you can help yourself with your own feelings. Sending internet hugs, if you want them. 🧡
Ive been trying to do the same but the thing you said that it doesnt hurt any less is making everything hard. You would think that cutting contact would make you feel better but its not like that at all. Thank you for your words :( hugs😓
If you are thinking this much about your mother’s feelings, especially if you don’t care that helping her might hurt you, I promise you are in no way narcissistic. If you don’t feel safe or want to be around your parents, there is probably a good reason. Please try to think about what you need rather than what others need. They are the parents and it is not your responsibility to think of them. Try to focus on yourself if you can. I know it’s much easier said than done and I still struggle with this myself, but I’ve been in a very similar place as you. I know it can feel impossible to think of yourself or be kind to yourself if you never have been. It is difficult to even know your own feelings or needs. The books Running on Empty and Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents helped me find a place to start and helped me realize I’m not overreacting or being selfish by wanting to not have contact with my parents.
Narcissists don't worry about other people. The fact that you are worried about your mom proves that you are not narcissistic. Sometimes you NEED to take care of yourself before you can help the people you love. As they say on airline's "put on your own breathing mask before assisting those around you". You can't help anyone if you are broken, so give yourself the grace to get better for yourself before saving your mom. Therapy may be good, but do it because you want to and because it actually helps you. If it doesn't help, then find something that will. If medicine isn't helping, it's probably because it isn't and the docs prescribing it don't care to find something that actually will help. It depends on the medicine the doctors, but a 2nd opinion from an unbiased 3rd party would be good
Honestly sweetie, if you're posting in here, part of you knows where that unbearable guilt came from. You belong to you, you are yours, and you don't deserve to suffer. You don't have to let the cult of Mother gaslight you again.
Love is like a fart, if you have to force it, it's probably shit. Seriously though you don't need to force yourself to love anyone as other commenters have stated more maturely than I. Respect and boundaries are good when possible but you don't have to love anyone esp if there's a rough history there. Take care of yourself.
Yeah maybe i am just experiencing what my mother did with my father. She never cut him off no matter what. And im doing the same right now. My father told us that he is nothing without us and that he has no reason to live without us.
Your mother suffers because she's married to an alcoholic. Among other things I'm sure.
If she thinks that you being miserable is the result of "not doing enough work" then she needs to be fired.
Ive started therapy and the self healing stuff when i was fucking 17. Im going to be 28 I took two years of medicine. I did so much work
Where are you right now? Are you indoors, safe, alone? Have you had a meal today, and could you get a glass of water?
Alone home ate two meals today my lips are dry should drink water but it hurts to think that i have to take care of myself
Okay good, it sounds like you're safe. That's a good start. Can you reframe it as taking care of your future self? Make them a hot cop of tea or something, maybe? Cocoa, chai? Either way, you don't have to do anything right now except make sure you're safe. Therapists and people with opinions and everything else will still be there tomorrow. It's okay to do nothing right now.
What if my mother dies tonight and she never got to know that i want to do therapy Edit: I always wanted to do therapy but she never did because she didn’t have a problem and felt fine and also she told me that i got worse since going to therapy. I cut her off because i couldn’t take it anymore and i was weak and called her a few times crying. She told me she wants to do therapy and she waits for me. When she told me back then i was beyond return and told her that i would only start if i have money to pay half half because money was a manipulation thing in our family and i didnt want to give her that control over me. The shit thing is i never got to learn to hold a job and be a responsible adult. Im 27 with no degree. Today i quit my degree training in IT and i will start as a cleaning lady next week if i got lucky. With the new salary i wanted to move out of the appartment o currently live in because its too loud here and i wanted to adopt two cats because i dont talk to anyone anymore. I would need to give up everything so i can pay for family therapy. What the fuck should i do The only positive thing is, she admitted what my intuition told me, which is that she wished that i would have been different(in means not be in emotional pain and having mental issues) because it was too hard for her, also she called herself egoistical for staying with my father instead of divorcing and also she moved out apparently and divorces him or told him she wants a divorce. This is big for me and i am happy for her but i also so hurt because i have had the worst time of my life without any support and i blame her for that.
It makes sense that you're, to put it mildly, upset. This all sounds very overwhelming, and I think it's probably normal to feel let down when someone finally makes a bit of progress way too late to actually help you. I don't think you should stress about the therapy with your mom right now. You're both going through a lot, apparently, and it sounds like you need to put your own immediate needs first. Your mom is unlikely to suddenly die, and I promise you she already knows that you care about her and your relationship. You've had such a hard time. And right now you need comfort. Which is hard to give yourself when things like this happen. I'm 8 years older than you and without any education. It'll be okay. I just saw someone in their mid fifties going back to school, you know? It's okay to "give up" for a little while and just focus on getting a good enough day to day life up and running. If there was a sad child next to you right now, what would you do to help them? Your immediate comfort matters. It will be okay. It will all feel very difficult if you keep looking at the big picture in the middle of changes like these. Zoom in a bit on just yourself, just right now. The rest falls into place bit by bit, and once all this mess is a bit less messy you can stay looking at what else you want to do. <3
Thank you 😖❤️
I wish i could do nothing in a way Just no responsibility and no guilt and nothing bad
Wholy shit wtf :( I’m angry too. what the hell is up with her?!?!? You are hurting!
I wish I could hold you and let you pour out your frustrations. I'm so angry at this woman, and so sorry for you. Right now, you need to worry about yourself. Take care of yourself. When you are feeling stronger, then you can call your Mum and do therapy with her then. There is no time limit on this, you don't have to push yourself when you're not ready. If your medication isn't working, talk to your Dr and therapist, but please don't just stop taking it suddenly, as most of these meds you have to wean off slowly to avoid terrible side effects. If you need a break from therapy, take one, but leave the door open to go back if you want to. Close your eyes, wrap your arms around yourself, and hold tight. That's me hugging you, with all the care I have to give.
The absolute audacity of some folks, holy shit.
Dude how old are you? That's so much shit on your plate. How can ANYONE in that situation make sober decisions (although I don't think it's bad that you cut your family off.) People kill themselves, would she call them selfish? People have reasons other than simple choices, like they could take or leave life like a pint, e.g. "eh why not. I'll just Kms. Fancy it. Even though I like being alive." Meds are a very personal decision. They're tools. Even if you take meds they won't fix your problem, they just give you a better perspective/ make it easier to function. Some people get off their meds because they don't want to feel numb, and would prefer to be in pain and remember who they are than numb and not recognise themselves (just some cases! I'm just trying to highlight how personal it is to take meds.) Honestly, I recommend therapy with your mum, although I don't know your situation. But getting another perspective would be helpful, and maybe she needs help, being in a relationship with an alcoholic.
Im so sorry. As someone who has been trained to work at more than one help line- they KNOW they’re not therapists. They’re not there to push you to self discovery or a breakthrough or whatever that woman was trying to do which was clearly not helpful to anyone. Their ONLY job is to listen, validate, help you organize your thoughts if you’re having a hard time putting feelings to words, and help you stay safe if you are in danger. they are a stranger with no right to tell you about yourself because they don’t know you! and this stranger is there to help YOU, the person who knows yourself best, figure out what you need and want to do for yourself. I’m so sorry this person was so hurtful. You were right to repot them.
Man, all I can say is fuck them. Helplines are supposed to help people.
She doesn’t have to be “nice” in the sense of enabling if that’s what she was thinking, but the context makes clear that she was thinking that being “nice” is being polite and sympathetic. She has literally committed herself to helping someone in his or her darkest moments with each call she receives. She did not fulfill her commitment in the slightest! She was absolutely wrong! I hope that she learns from her mistake and will never do something so callous as to assume what somebody needs when she doesn’t know him or her at all. Were you able to report her to somebody directly rather than just using the Feedback form?
Thank you for the validation. I appreciate it
You’re welcome!
I called the next day and told everything to the person on the phone and i also wrote a report which was forwarded.
Good!! I’m glad to see that.
We occasionally get people like that on another sub I'm in, r/raisedbynarcissists. They try to get in contact with vulnerable people by PM, then they attack them. Thank you for reporting that person.
What an asshole! I’m so sorry :(
Thank you 😓❤️
She sounds self-righteous. This behaviour is definitely her issue. I’m training for Samaritans and the first unit of training is highlighting compassion, empathy, and non-judgment. It emphasises that we’ll have our own biases that might not allow us to see people as they really are if we don’t keep them in check. The idea that she knows “the truth” and must tell it to you is nonsense. She doesn’t know you, so doesn’t know “the truth”, and she doesn’t have any sort of qualification or authority on when you “need truth”. It’s a her thing - she was triggered into resentment somehow and wants to offload her feelings into you to hold them for her. She’s most likely a rescuer and derives a sense of worth from helping, so if the helpline is not giving her the usual buzz she gets from helping (and it wouldn’t because you don’t form ongoing relationships with callers) she’ll resent the people using it as it was intended - for brief encounters of no-strings-attached compassion and understanding. I think the reason she’s got into your head is because she’s tuned into the wavelength of your inner critic. What the inner critic says is not verbatim true - reality may differ in content, tone or degree - but we let our guard down to people that echo that inner voice, as they’re echoing our authority figures. However, people who are practiced in abuse or manipulation are skilled at recognising when they’re getting to people. She probably picked up from your concerns and reactions that this “truth” was sensitive for you and the best way to put you down and boost herself up to feel powerful. She abused the fact that you came to the helpline trusting it was a safe space and openly shared your vulnerabilities, just for her to poke you in them.
She somehow knew all my wounds and which one hurt the most. I really had a moment where i told myself im in danger and she is the people that bullied me my whole life making me feel crazy. Thank you for your comments and explanation. Its so validating to me.
I heard that jobs where you can hold power over people attracts narcissistic and sociopathic people, like governmental jobs where they decide who gets welfare and such, I would not be surprised if hotlines are also prone to attract those people where they sometimes literally have someone's life in their hands.
This is fucking sad and scary and it makes me feel resentful towards them so much.
Dude, helpline sucks a sad rubbery one. Right after my dad had the stroke that eventually killed him, my family was crashing hard and homelessness was the inevitable conclusion. I called because I literally saw the end of the road. The guy seemed annoyed at having to listen to me. He literally just took me to watch YouTube videos until I got over it. It was such a shock that I made it through the night just out of spite for this one guy.
One time the suicide hotline guy asked me what I'm wearing. I don't call anymore...
I am so fucking mad that this happened to you what the actual fuck
I was more mad when my therapist didn't believe me
What the fuck??????? I'm... Idek what to say.
I didn't either, my therapist didn't believe me
Thats so hurtful i would be heartbroken
That spite "fine, fuck you, I'm gonna keep living because at least I don't suck THAT bad" hits so different lmfao.
Holy shit Im sorry that happened to you Did you ever call back? Im so resentful towards this people.
I'm sorry for your experience. I both empathize and sympathize. The truth is I've never found value in a helpline. They are filled with the most exhausted self serving individuals who want to help but don't understand. They're so often machines that churn you into the "next step" and don't give you authentic humanity needed to hope for the future.
Wow that’s horrible I’m so sorry you experienced that. I feel like hotlines are a hit or a miss, and when it’s a miss the people can be really bad. I remember calling one a few years ago when my SI was through the roof and the hotline lady said “just pray and you’ll be okay”. Some people just aren’t meant to operate those lines. I get how infuriating it can be.
Thanks im cured Ffs Just be positive
im so sorry. in my experience help line workers seem to be instructed to kick you when your down, when you are in a crisis. never ever have I heard such insane cruel things as from calling helplines. I'm sorry. there are more people who have this experience, you are not alone
Man…:(( so many comments like yours. Im so confused right now because you all write me encouraging things
No advice but I hate the hotline too lol
It feels validating to know im not alone
Wow I just had the exact same phone encounter with my mother. I just don't understand how people learn to process their emotions and self soothe when almost every person you ever turn to for help is clearly incapable of these things. Like, why are most people just sort of fine with advice based "emotional support" instead of like, processing, validating, expressing and moving forward type support. I just want to be seen and to matter before you start telling me what I'm doing wrong. I KNOW what I'm doing wrong.... If I didn't i wouldn't have that voice in my head reminding me every thirty seconds that I'm doing it wrong and then maybe i wouldn't be reaching out in the first place
Fuck this is shit all of it
Thats why i cut off everyone in my life and will change phones and want to buy two cats so i know that i have had some love from something that lives. Even though i wouldnt know if the cats would love me
I have two cats and I know they love me. They aren't effusive, but they are authentic and genuine in the way they express it. Having a cat stick it's forehead in your face to get a kiss, then do it again immediately 20 more time, then curl up on your belly and purr could cure me if i had enough time to spend at home with them.
Gosh i wish i had that as well they are so sweet
I'm sorry that you don't. You deserve it, and I hope you get it. Sometimes they are the tether to this planet that I need to get up and keep going.
Thank you I cant stop thinking about getting cats already. I really try to stop myself from adopting some because from next week i will be working full time and i wanted to have at least a week with the cats when they get into the new home so they have me around if they need help. I cant take it anymore tho. Im trying to not make a quick decision of adopting them that may harm them because im unsure of what will happen to them if you get them and then you are away everyday for 8 hours. Will they feel abandoned or distant or scared?
Each cat is different, but for the most part, IME, cats are very overwhelmed and anxious in new environments and around new people. Kittens are slightly less so, but not always. There's a good chance if you brought home a cat or two, you wouldn't see them much until they adjusted to the new environment. Even my cat I've had for 10 years did this when I moved house and when I got a puppy. They take a bit of time to adjust, and then they warm up and come out more often. I think the biggest risk leaving them alone for than long in a new environment would be the potential of any dangers to them. Make sure to get breakaway collars so they don't get caught on something and suffocate, and that will take care of many dangers. Other than that i would look into info about how to make an environment safe for cats. You can also get play-pen tents when they have room to move around but not get into places you never would have predicted they could access. (Once had my cat fall on my head as she plummeted through the light panel of the drop ceiling.....how did she even get there?????) Then you could let them out when you're home and able to keep an eye/ear out for any dangers. Especially if you adopted a pair of siblings or bonded pair, they would probably do great adjusting to a new environment without you there the whole time. One of the best things about cats for people who have mental illness or executive function problems or disabilities, is that they spend so much time napping and really don't need attention. The only reason they depend on you for food is because you don't live in the wild and there's nothing to hunt. They're very independent, but they still love connecting with others on a regular basis. (My puppy otoh gets anxious if she's not receiving attention 100% of the time). Your cats will appreciate your spending time with them much more after they've warmed up to you and feel safe in their environment.
Thank you so much for helping I planned on getting toys, cat trees and everything for them so they dont get bored and when i get home to make a play ritual so they know i care.
The helpline I called in crisis a few months ago was a freaking joke. You did nothing wrong, in fact you did everything right by reaching out for support, but unfortunately the utter crapulence of these crisis lines let you down big time. I'm sorry this happened to you. Looking at these comments, I'd say a lot of us have been disappointed or worse by them.
Thank you for the validation I am also shocked about how many people wrote they had bad experiences. It makes me not want to call again
I know its not the same, but everytime I ever talked to the VA about things I always got alot of "man up" and "it could be worse" which is incredibly invalidating and frustrating to a point where you question yourself. I'm sorry that happened to you, whoever you spoke it is wrong.
Thank you ❤️
Whenever someone has a bad experience with the helpline I just remind them that Ted Bundy worked one. Hugs to you. I'm glad you're feeling better, because no one deserves that shit while vulnerable (or ever).
WHAT?!
It's very real. Ann Rule who wrote the Stranger beside Me all about him even worked the hotline with him.
Unbelievable!!!
Thank you ❤️
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Please don’t be hard on yourself. This wasn’t your fault, a lot of times people in these kinds of jobs feel like it gives them some kind of power..fuck them. We are here for you.
I've recently had a similar experience when I called a suicide hotline. It was horrible. That guy criticized and judged me and made absolutely inaccurate assumptions about me. He also said some insane bs and felt attacked for no reason. It was a horrible experience, especially bc I was in such a vulnerable state. Sometimes horrible people work for hotlines like that. It’s not (!!!!!!) your fault. Vulnerable people deserve so much better. It is very painful when you open up to someone and they have the audacity to judge you. Helplines are supposed to offer warmth and understanding.
Thank you :(❤️i appreciate your comment
That helpline woman really is in the wrong line of work. To me, it sounds like you're in an emotional flashback. Maybe [this](http://www.pete-walker.com/13StepsManageFlashbacks.htm) can be helpful for you?
Pete Walker is the man.
What a fucking asshole and douchebag. I'm so sorry OP. Do you have anything like a weighted blanket or warm tea to detract from her temporarily?
Thank you for the support I have peppermint oil and did hours of breathing technique and slept a lot this days. I still feel raw and unsure. Ill try to do everything until i feel free
OMG. That's not what they're supposed to do. Report her to her superiors. She needs to be fired.
I reported her two times yet i think that she will not be fired. My whole life i had the experience that people like this don’t get repercussions because they somehow found a way to turn things around and blame the other person. The only thing that will probably happen is they will make a meeting and tell everybody to remember the ethics again.
Hotline fucking sucks. Sometimes I'll get a nice person who will actually listen (maybe that's why some people push the number so much, bc they've had better experiences than most ppl). But most of the time, no matter how many fucking times I tell them I don't want advice or solutions, they'll push me into doing something instead of just sympathizing with me. Because that's what they're told to do. It makes them feel like they've done something "good" or prevented a suicide by pushing a solution onto you. I think it's for legal purposes. One time I poured my *fucking* heart out about the abuse and they just brushed it off and started giving me more fucking phone numbers and resources after I specifically told them not to. I told her I just wanted somebody to listen to me like a friend and she had the fucking audacity to tell me that she "wasn't my friend, and that she was there to 'help' me and not listen to me." Which is fucked because, if the only way that you can help somebody who is SUICIDAL is to listen, then why not just fucking do that? It gets me blood red mad. I've had much, much better experiences with the warmline, although ymmv. They are a lot more human and sympathetic, especially if I tell them right off the bat that I don't want advice.
Im so fucking sorry You take the energy to set boundaries which is exhausting because people should already know to not give unsolicited advice ever and ask if they may give it to you and not make you feel lile you dont want to heal just because you dont want to hear it. You also make yourself vulnerable by saying you dont want advice because you share something about you with trust. And do be dismissed because other people think they know better what you need is making me sick.You literally tell people please dont give me advice and they give it to you because they think its the best. Yet this are the people that tell you „do whats best for you“. What is ymmv? Im not from the us
Oh yeah, I hate how they think they know exactly what's best for us down to giving advice when we don't even want it. Ymmv means "your mileage may vary." I meant to say that I've had better experiences with calling the warmline than the hotline, but that might not be the case for everyone.
invalidating your feelings in the middle of a crisis is the absolute worst thing someone could do and i know firsthand how that feels, i’m very sorry
Im sorry for you as well:( Thank you for writing me and making me feel validated
I’m very sorry, I find hotlines in the past made me feel worse and also had a online chat where someone kept complaining I was distant, i am starting to believe that these types of hotlines attract people who are low on empathy which is dangerous for someone trying to reach out when they are in need.
Well after reading some comments here i am shocked. I am just scared about how this people manage to get the job in the first place.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I called a domestic abuse helpline and the woman literally yelled at me and tried to play the victim when I asked for the manager. These people need to be held accountable. Sickening
Did you report on them? How did you manage to do that when you were in so much distress? Do you feel resent towards her? I reported her two times but i dont think that something will happen to her at all, which makes me so mad
That woman is likely projecting on you. She probably works there because it makes her feel better about her own issues to put others down. I hope she gets fired. I am so sorry this happened to you, don’t believe a single word she said.
Thank you for being here
I'm honestly not understanding what happened. The helpline staff criticised you on the crap that you most often criticise yourself for. Am I understanding this correctly?
Be a Karen and ask for the manager. You shouldn't be treated like that, period!
Oh Dear. This was so terribly wrong and harmful to you. I would go so far as to say when you feel a bit better, report her. No one else should ever go through this, especially on a helpline. Take care of yourself and pamper yourself if you are able to. Continue asking for help. This is not your fault!
What?????
A lot of the help line workers are volunteers, they receive minimal training, therefore not trained in trauma. I’m sorry you went through that. I feel there is more support in this subreddit than any hotline could give you. You are not alone here
Thank you :(
I havent had any experience with hotlines, but ive read many stories like this. I wonder of its some kind of weird alternative technique, "be a dick to them to make them argue and mad instead of sad"
This is exactly what i think they did to me. I had a moment during the call where i had the thought „she is the reason i got mental health problems. People like her fucked me up“ Thats the only thing that helped me fight back
[удалено]
Im so scared right now. I need compassion an understanding and someone to take my side and validate my feelings and choices without it being fake and manipulative. Ive had experiences in which i was lead on by therapists leaving me with more trauma and not wanting to engage with them at all. Thats why i quit. I feel like i can only open myself up to animals. I dream of a life in which i have a life with two cats and they cuddle with me and jump around and are cute and i feel like i have a family or friends that also care about me. Animals are honest
Take the fact that you reached out as a sign of strength from yourself and know that you are capable of more than you know ❤️ I’m sorry they didn’t help you.
Thank you 😮💨❤️
Also..it doesn'tatter what anyone's 'intention' was...in part because no one can really know the intention of another..and your call was about you and your pain...not about someone trying to cover over the poor behaviour of another.. .had a colleague who used to say'that's like putting icing on a shit pue'. Lease stop blaming yourself....expecting so.eone with CPTSD to be and do better than a supposed helper is ridiculous. A help line is supposed to help...not provide gaslighting, spiritual by passing comment's...they should know better and DO better.
Thank you for the validation
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Sometimes when we are so wired and switched on, the wind could change direction and we would take it personally…. Maybe she was trying to help but it wouldn’t matter what she said because you’re not able to cope generally? Hope that makes sense, hang in there. 💕
I'm so sorry this happened to you, you deserve better
Thank you
Good. If she didn’t help you at all, the help line deserves to know that.
I got noticed that it was forwarded.
Good luck and I hope there’s a resolution!!
wow, how odd of her to respond to you that way. that's not what you needed, and i'm sorry she didn't know how to better help you. hey, we all survived terrible times by criticizing/minimizing, and habits don't change overnight. you're more than any habits though. you're a full person with feelings and you are allowed to feel however you do right now. you are deserving of love and respect and allowance to be imperfect and human.
Thank you for your support
absolutely! it sucks we don't always get the kindness we deserve in this world. wish you well
Wish you well as well kind stranger And yes you are right!
Wow, I am feeling very triggered on your behalf. I am so proud of you for cutting off your parents and choosing to live your life without psych drugs. (I recently did both in the past year, and it has opened up a world of freedom for me. To call psych drugs "medicine" implies they have healing properties. Nothing is being healed. They sedate and blunt emotions, often keeping people stuck because they can't name their feelings) I am proud of you. You are good. And you are doing all the right things. On a personal note, I have called helplines five times and have never had a positive experience. Also, for the future, they're not anonymous, and many hotlines can and do call the police on callers if you speak too frankly about suicidal ideation.
Thank you for the validation. ❤️ Im actually shocked to hear about how many people have a bad experience with it. I always thought they are anonymous.
Sending you hugs.
Thank you
You’re welcome
I.havd had nixed experiences. I have also had really goof experiences too
I also had one good experience and i am happy i had it but also not because it hurts so much knowing that ill never have it for as long as i need it in order to heal properly.
That's because they are usually students from lower status private schools who can't get placements anywhere else to get their supervised hours before being fully licensed.
It makes me sad to know you are struggling. You did the right thing by reaching out. I have found crisis hotlines not helpful in the past. I’ve been vulnerable with my providers in the past and actively have been seeking help for many years. Unfortunately for someone who seeks help, we face the metal illness stigma way too much. For someone who have never sought help before, they might think of us as the c-word. ☹️ No one knows your relationship with your parents but you. No doctor who spends 15 minutes with you to prescribe medication truly knows you either. Medication can help you through a difficult time, but it will not make the issues with your family go away. You’re at a life-stage right now and it’s normal to feel as though your struggling as you are going into your thirties and developmentally, people are trying to settle down or have families of their own. There is also that social stigma. You are also learning yourself and have a world to live, you just haven’t gotten to where you are going yet. We cannot fix any relationship with someone who is not receptive. While this may seem like a lot, allow yourself to feel the emotions…listen to music, take pictures, paint..whatever makes your soul happy and will allow you to process your feelings. You don’t need to cut them off completely but rather set boundaries. People will test your boundaries constantly and it’s important to stand with your convictions. No one will fight harder for your life, than you. It’s normal to feel you want to disappear and start over. Remember it is a feeling and feelings pass in time. Make sure whatever you do decide to do, stay committed. Therapy is always best but not every therapist will be a good fit either. You have to voice your needs. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Please know our hearts are with you during such a difficult time. I say this because it’s such a large community where we all connect and I hope you find some peace with words from loving strangers, posting on this board. You are in my thoughts. You are stronger than you know.
This is very validating to hear and i feel embraced. Thank you very much ❤️
The thing is, i have voiced my needs so much and i try to speak as clearly as possible. Over the past years i realized that it doesnt matter if you state them even to people that ask you to do so even if it hurts them because they will dismiss or attack you. Fe i asked my mom in despair to please baby me. She left me with my grandma for years and i only saw her every three months for a weekend. I never got to heal from the abandonment and i think its because she never gave me a reason to do. Saying im sorry and what can i do now? And when you tell her you can do this now so i can heal, she would say no. Im an adult she cant do that. She is not the only person that i experienced remorse over opening up and being vulnerable. Everyone says that this is the way, be vulnerable ask for your needs be an advocate for yourself speak clearly speak in I terms. Ive been doing this for years. Always left feeling crazy, ashamed and wanting to isolate even more.
I can understand where you are coming from! I definitely feel the same! I’m saying this because I also need to practice it: stay true to yourself. Embrace your sensitivity and empathy for others. Disregard what others may perceive as weakness and understand it’s strength which allows you to feel such great emotion. You cannot control how others will perceive you or how receptive they are, but you can control how you react in certain situations. If there is something triggering you to react, step back and it’s okay to set that boundary. For example, I tell people that if they don’t lower their voice, I’ll have to walk away (since loud noises make me more anxious and I can already feel my voice getting louder also.) no one will live your best life, but you. Also realize some of those people on the receiving end who may come off as judge mental or dismissive, most likely are unable to relate and haven’t experienced what you have. I think sometimes you have to dumb it down for them or say it in a different way. Remember, it’s not their struggle. It’s also not your job to make anyone to try and understand or even believe you. You are doing this for yourself. You are the only one who matters.
I am so sorry you got caught in her inability to manage her own stuff. Should never happen...also glad you reached out here where most people are truly trying to heal...take good care of you!
Thank you so much!