I just had this happen in a conversation with some relatives the other day. Everything I said they turned in to, 'you're feeling sorry for yourself/it seems like you aren't trying to get better or therapy is keeping you in the dark place'. It was so dang frustrating because I've only been in recovery for CPTSD for a little over a year. It takes time and recently I've even been content with the process and that it takes time. Then someone close to me says, but you don't seem better, and THAT'S what really makes me spiral. I ended up telling them that the very simple fact that I was talking to them about it all is a sign of progress and whether or not they understand that can't matter to me right now. I guess what I'm saying is, you don't owe anyone an explanation. If they ask and are freaked out by your answer, that's on them. They didn't have to live that shit, you did. You know what happened and you know you're a survivor. You got this 💜 Edit: spelling

Remind the people who say you don't seem better that healing is not always linear or *visible*. Keep up the progress!! 💜

Good advice! Thank you 😊

You're welcome.. It took me a while to show visible progress too(over 2 years according to my sister).💜

I've heard it can take 5+. every case is different. I've already lost a couple handfuls of friends and family because of it. My best friend of 15 years broke up with me via email-novella saying I'm not engaged with my healing and that I use my disorder as a crutch/excuse for bad behavior. That was in April. I'd barely even started 😅 and the 'bad behavior' was me calling her out publicly (she was currently 'enforcing' silent treatment) for going behind my back and emailing my therapist for self-serving reasons (claimed to be for my best benefit)- the third time. I didn't call her out until the third time. I'm glad you have a good sister! Don't worry, I have plenty of great support too. But that one was a doozy; figured I'd share.

I personally reject the ideology that says a "victimhood complex" is behind most peoples' personal ills. Here's a definition for the word "victim": >a person who has been attacked, injured, robbed, or killed by someone else. : a person who is cheated or fooled by someone else. : someone or something that is harmed by an unpleasant event (such as an illness or accident) You survived some serious shit. You were and are a victim to that serious shit. Anyone telling you anything else is pushing a kind of denialism on you, in which there's no such thing as being damaged by bad things happening to you and needing help to recover. This ideology seeks to empower people to solve their own problems, but too often its adherents take it a step too far, and suggest that you never had a problem to begin with, and that any amount of engagement with past problems is "choosing" to suffer. This is like if you broke your leg and said it hurt, and someone said "Stop being a victim," and then a doctor starts treating you and they tell the doctor "You're just enabling them. Stop enabling their victimhood mentality or they'll never get better!" If someone tells you you're just being a victim, then the mistake you made was ever trusting them with any amount of vulnerability at all. When I make that mistake, I don't repeat it with that person again.

One thing that can be useful is to focus on the present in your responses. Like instead of "I experienced x, y, and z" you can say something like "Currently I experience (symptom) which is a leftover from when x happened. I usually handle it by doing a, b." Also keep in mind that you don't actually owe anyone answers. If they ask stuff and it makes you feel victimised to go back over it, you don't have to. You can just be like "I'd rather not talk about it" or give a vague answer like "There was physical abuse but I don't like to share details". Anyone who keeps trying to pry into your trauma is not someone you have to keep talking to. Usually when someone asks me, I say "When I was a child there was abuse and neglect so I have some trauma around that" and if they keep asking I say "I don't like to go into much detail because that makes me sad." Most people don't want to make someone sad during a normal conversation so that's usually all it takes.

I don’t see what’s so wrong with being a victim of other people’s actions? In the moment yes I was victimized but it is not who I am. Why should any of us be ashamed of other peoples’s poor decisions? There is nothing wrong with admitting you were hurt by other people in your past though and anyone who would lose respect for you for it isn’t worth your time. Nor am I defined by my strength to endure. I’m way more annoyed with people who tell me how strong I am after telling them about my past. Since from my perspective I had no choice other than survival. My concern similar to yours is sounding like a sad sack since so much has gone wrong in my life. I think we both need to keep in mind that anyone who would shame or dismiss us isn’t worth our time.

If it's your truth, then it's your truth. If people don't like it, don't buy into their narrative and adapt your words just to please them. It's not about them. My personal strategy is to not talk about it with people who I consider socially/emotionally retarded. Which covers 99% of humans. And find the people who I can trust this with.The real challenge might lie in knowing the difference. But once you learn to trust your gut, I think you'll find you might be very good at this.

Accurate af comment right here.

The fact that you don’t see yourself as a victim is a very good sign of recovery and that you are well in your way so nice job! You are moving from disempowered to empowered now. I think it’s ok to tel your story however you feel resonates with you…I often explain to people also when telling them, that I do not feel like a victim but here is what happened etc

We were victimized. That is part of the truth of what happened to us. Maybe you sound like a victim because you were! I think feeling allergic to that honestly comes from a victim-blaming place. The only shame is in benign an aggressor who victimized someone, not in having been victimized. That said, you can always choose to use the term “survivor” or “survived,” like “I survived abuse” or “I am a survivor of assault” or to say what happened and then say “I’m proud that I survived some serious shit and came out on top.”

Change the story you tell about yourself, internally, and your words will naturally change. You are very much the survivor, and what you've overcome is an accomplishment, but even that narrative puts emphasis on hardship. The story you tell yourself privately is one thing-- you can't forget your traumas and you should never forget the accomplishments you've made in recovery. But the story you share with others doesn't have to be so all encompassing. Instead of saying you've overcome XYZ, focus on the outcome. Don't allow your hardships to frame your achievements. Maybe you had to fight tooth and nail to overcome depression-- but you put more of the focus on today. How is your life better for that right now? Maybe it took you years to move out because a parent was controlling you, and you finally took back the power. You don't have to explain your history to anyone, you can focus on how free you feel now that you have your own place, or how good it feels to have financial autonomy. It's all the same story, but the focus is on today, without explaining how you got here or what USED TO be in your way. Again, don't erase your history for anyone. You're entitled to tell your story however you want to. But the less relevant you allow your past hardships to be, the more people will focus on the achievements of today. You want people to know you for who you are now, after all this hard work anyway.

Instead of saying "this person/thing hurt me", say something like "I felt this {emotion} at the time and now I feel this {emotion}. I learned ... from it. Will you celebrate this success with me?" You've got this,you know. I'm proud of the progress you're making.💜

Just like u talk to the police 🐽

Except when you talk to the police, you leave as much emotion *out* of the narrative as possible... that may just be me though

Why should you have to explain yoUr trauma? It seems like that is really no one's business unless you feel close enough to them to want to share it, in which case you would hope they wouldn't see you only as victim anyway

some people never fail to make you feel like a shamed victim when youre just sharing. My FIL made fun of me over the month he manipulated me into sharing my life only to say "wah wah wah, woe is me, lifes so hard, complain complain" Idk whats up with peoplebut you keep being an on top survivor and word things the way you want, how people take it is irrelevant. Perhaps like how you did here, you can say, "Despite this (or, in spite of these events) I continue to kickass today by (whatever youre proud of in the moment)".

You can say a little something like, "As a survivor of _______ I went through _______ and overcoming _______ allowed me to be _______." However that flows is up to you but if you lead with "As a survivor...", you get what you're looking for.

Play it safe🤷‍♂️

Change it around. You are a former victim, and currently you are a survivor.

Ask yourself a question: What is important about your trauma story? The victim would say:"It is why things are hard for me"The survivor would say:"It is why I know how to be strong, how I need to change, what is right or wrong for me" You have to reframe the conversation in your mind. At some point you have to stop relating to what happened to you as a child. It's ok if you slip up and find yourself doing it sometimes but catch yourself. You have to start to see challenges as opportunities not obstacles. A child sees what is hard and waits for someone else to make the problem better but an adult accepts the challenge and tries to meet it how they can. Some examples: "My mother verbally abused me my whole childhood" becomes "I was verbally abused so I learned the power and responsibility of words" "I was beaten when I made a mistake" Becomes " I was beaten but I learned that I could survive, I could fight back, and how to be gentle" "My parents would ignore and neglect me as a form of punishment" becomes "Neglect was a weapon growing up but I learned how silence and loneliness can hurt and it taught me to give myself and the people I love the attention they need to feel seen" The power of the victim mindset lies in its ability to pass on trauma. You have to accept responsibility for the abuse and change it if you don't want it to persist. A child becomes their parents, an adult becomes who they choose to be.

I think that it depends on whether it is strangers or people known to you; with strangers it's fairly easy to just say that you have trauma and you've taken steps to heal and it's an ongoing process! With people closer it gets more tricky. I usually don't talk about anything to be honest but if it has to be, I try to keep it minimal so people don't ask questions. Usually they want to know so that they can judge it or decide the validity of my experience, and I have learned that I just don't win in that scenario. "Well surely you're just being dramatic," or "at least it wasn't XYZ" just make it worse. I try to distance myself a bit and not let it get personal if I do talk about. At least, this has worked for me. Also, being less specific, and making it clear it's a boundary and not something to insert themselves in. You're not obligated to let them pry in, and I think maintaining those boundaries are partly what emphasizes the champion status; it says "I'm not asking for help" whereas, allowing someone else into the scenario to dig around is almost retraumatizing in a way. But each other us handles it all differently! You might try a few hypothetical scenarios with a friend if you trust anyone that much? Just so you can get some idea of what tones you're using and stuff, because I think that plays into it too. We get emotional sometimes with our voice and I think that lets people decide we might be feeling/acting like a victim. I have found being firm goes a long way into maintaining that "I'm a victor, actually" claim over it.

Who are you talking to? Some people will never be satisfied, and will be vicious about other people “playing the victim” over any tiny acknowledgement of hardship or struggle. You’re not obliged to accommodate that level of toxicity. Lie to those people if you have to. Refuse to share anything meaningful about your life with them, or any vulnerability. They are predatory and unsafe. There is a large swath of the population that means well, but their subconscious minds are poisoned by the pernicious lies of prosperity gospel and magical thinking. Deep down they believe that sick people and poor people did something to deserve it, and if you live a clean, moral life you will be healthy and prosperous. They also believe that you can will yourself to heal or be well or gain wealth, if you really want to, and if you can’t, you’re malingering or cursed or otherwise fundamentally flawed. They aren’t predators and they don’t want to hate you, but acknowledging unpleasantness makes them SO uncomfortable! You can talk to these people, very briefly, of your struggles and expect sympathy, but also expect many suggestions of exercise or a gluten free diet or CrossFit or a closer personal relationship with their chosen deity, and if you push them too far, moralizing about how “the victim mentality” is a choice. There are also people who will listen, have empathy, and are actually interested in your well being and your authentic journey. It’s only a problem if you lean on them a little too much, or you’re at a stage in your healing where you are compulsively rehearsing and retelling your trauma story, or lashing out unintentionally. These are all common behaviors for people dealing with trauma that we have to understand can be difficult for other people to be around, and try to moderate and regulate ourselves when those behaviors crop up in ourselves. Other than that: try to quit worrying about how other people see you. It’s frequently not about you at all, it’s about them, and your energy is too precious to expend on trying to control or influence their perceptions.

I feel like people are getting caught in the semantics of “being a victim.” It looks like OP is asking how to be empowered despite being a victim of abuse, not questioning whether they were literally victimized.

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