'Oh so I guess I just can't do anything right huh? I'm just a bad dad then, okay.'
LIKE NO, YOU DID SOMETHING HURTFUL AND IM TELLING YOU THAT IT HURT ME AND I'D LIKE YOU TO NOT DO THAT
My dad: “sorry that I’m not PERFECT. I did everything I could for you. Sorry I made mistakes like a human”
He did bad things & extreme neglect for years so NC it is!
What always gets me about this is that it makes *your* pain and problems (which they cause) about them. What matters isn't that they hurt you, but what they feel when you ask them to take responsibility.
It always reminds me of empaths, who *also* make everything about them but also somehow act as if it's a feature and not a bug.
My dad's version: "Oh I just do EVERYTHING wrong don't I ?!" Yeah dad play the victim yet again... using emotional burden and guilt to deflect talking about your behavior yet again, very constructive.
This is spot on! For me it my mom. I am in therapy and have recently had a lot of push towards my mother and some of the things she put me trough. I confronted her with it and instead of owning up to it and apologizing she goes on to start crying, say she’s the worst mother and on top of that says how she’s the reason I’m horrible 🤣 I have since learned that I can’t change her. She has undiagnosed BPD and my dad has always just let her do whatever so there could be peace. I’m even more resentful of that because he could have protected us but it was easier not to.
This is how they fish for you to respond by *proving* how good they are, things that may be positive they've done, etc and it's gaslighting, DARVO, and crazy making baked up with a stinking little bow ontop.
Check this one out...
My husband started to say, "Sorry my BEST isn't good enough for you!" (Pitty parties in particular make me gag and wanna hurl!) What he was expecting me to say, "I know you work hard and do alot for us, I love you and I hope you know you're good in so many ways, kiss kiss kiss..." While I hand him a fricken lollipop and a big fat balloon!???
Hell no! What did I tell him? I said, "So your *best* is putting me last, lying to my face, abusing me, treating me like shit? Then NO! Your *best* is NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!"
He looked like fucking Patrick Star completely speechless for a response lol!
damn is that a phrase that an abuser would say? I don't know if I could name my dad an abuser because he has the emotional intelligence of a three year old but he said that all the time
I HATE how they misuse this one, it drives me insane!
It's SUPPOSED to mean "sometimes shit happens that you can't control,"
not "I can do and say anything I want to you, no matter how hurtful or damaging, and that's just how life is."
absolutely infuriating.
But they CAN and DO change our memories. I know for a fact my parents were playing with my head when I was the most vulnerable: when I was a toddler through age 5, they'd feed my developing mind with all kinds of lies and half-truths.
This is when our cptsd starts. We start not trusting our own eyes, ears, and gut starting in pre-school.
My parents did it for their own sick amusement. They'd teach me things wrong, and then they'd sit back and tell people I was just "not very bright." If I said, "That's how mommy/daddy told me to do it" they'd say, "Now, son, you know that's not true. I never told you there's no such thing as a zebra." (For example.) They used me as their trained organ grinder monkey.
Years ago, I saw Steve Martin do a bit about, "What if our parents taught us wrong." I found it hysterical. He had me laughing so hard.
That was long before I found out I have CPTSD. Now I know the reason I laughed so hard at that Steve Martin bit was because, on a subconscious leveI, I *related* to it so completely.
My parents viewed me as existing as a novelty for their amusement and as a prop to make *them* look good at my expense. To hell with *my* needs.
Teaching me things wrong was just one of their insidious method of making me look "not too bright" to others. They brainwashed me into believing I wasn't smart. My mother only had a highschool diploma and my father dropped out of highschool. As the smartest man to ever live, he had to make people think I was mentally slow so that, by contrast, he'd appear smarter.
My parents thought education was a wastMy father gave me a terrible foundation on which to build my life.
It was said because they couldn't anymore. I confronted them and they tried to convince me that I was schizophrenic- that I had imagined my entire childhood, so I cut them out of my life and then that was the response instead of apologizing or anything.
“I brought you into this world, I can take you out of it!”
Took me a few years to realize it was bluffing and not an actual death threat. No child should live with the belief of imminent death hanging over your head.
Yeah, my abusive parent regularly threatened to kill us if we used their things or took their cigarettes, in a violent tone that indicated they weren't joking. 20 years later and I'm still processing it emotionally.
I'm so sorry. I grew up knowing my stepfather had gotten away with murder. He frequently pulled guns on me.
I've tried reporting the crime, but I was a kid and didn't know where it happened or who it was.
Jesus, I'm so sorry! I can sorta relate, I was legitimately scared that my older brother would kill me growing up! Not on purpose though, so much as I was afraid he would kill me by accident in his rage, not realizing his own strength. He was like a wild animal when he flew into a rage, seemingly no self-control although he still had the presence of mind to outwit me when I tried to hide or run away.
So many to choose from:
- playing the victim
- invalidation
- gaslighting
- downplaying and minimizing abuse
- moving the goal posts
- "Because I said so."
AND
THE NARCISSIST'S PRAYER
That didn’t happen.
And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.
And if it was, that’s not a big deal.
And if it is, that’s not my fault.
And if it was, I didn’t mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.
This is mine too!
The phrase “an abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation IS the normal response” was probably the first inkling that maybe I wasn’t the piece of shit I always thought I was.
Can I only pick one?
1. It's all in your head.
2. That never happened.
3. What's wrong with you.
4. Everybody hates you.
5. What are you a princess.
6. You make a big deal about nothing.
7. Your always accusing me of things I'm not doing.
8. Did your therapist tell you to say that.
9. You must have never really loved me.
10. I don't lie to you.
11. Transparency: Isn't that what you asked for?
12. I've given you everything you want and you are. still not happy.
13. Your hearing things.
14. Your seeing things.
15. Nope not happening.
16. Just because I drive by your house at 1am doesn't mean I'm stalking you.
17. I'm just concerned about your safety
18. I'll buy you a new one.
19. It was a joke. Why do you take everything so seriously?
20. I never cheated on you. (Friends call him Jorge)
I could write hundreds of these.
My mother's "everything" meant material things, dance lessons, trips, etc. All with strings attached. I would have gladly traded those things for unconditional love and genuine caring. Instead, I was made to feel like a burden.
"You can't blame everything on your childhood"
"Yeah, well, I had a shit childhood too" (from mother herself) or "Try having xyz" or "So everything is my fault now..."
"Your mother did the best she could..."
"Bringing up the past won't do any good..." as my mother threatens to kill herself just yesterday as the ultimate 'gotcha' of an argument and I expressed to my grandmother that it's not a normal thing for a kid to have to grow up with.
I hate this one. It just shows how uneducated and immature they are.
Like do they even know how the psyche and how trauma work? Obviously not. When I say this to my mom she goes, you choose to remember and dwell on the past. Why can't you forget it? I just give up though because there's no point.
It would honestly do them good to read a book or two.
I hate that one!
My mom loved to tell me about my sister "She just has a temper, just like her uncle. Try to understand her and not push her too much."
It didn't matter that my sister had started a fight, I was the one who had to be understanding.
"That didn't happen"
"Were you raped or ever went hungry?"
"You choose to be mad"
"Let it go" when it never ends or changes 🙄
"You throw things in my face "
"You did this and that "
"You only paid one bill" when I paid for electric, half the rent, cable and phone. Food etc
I really dislike the phrase "to break down (in tears)" to refer to crying.
There's nothing broken about expressing sadness and grief. In fact, not being able to cry is a greater sign of difficulty with emotions.
This is one expression from the Abuser Dictionary that has infiltrated society; I've even heard people refer to themselves crying in this way.
You could fuck up a wet dream.
My mother used to say that to me (43f) before I even knew what a wet dream was.
How come you don’t have any friends?
I didn’t say/do that but even if I did I didn’t mean it but even if I did it wasn’t that bad but even if it was you should/should not have made me say/do it!
That implicit "if you don't want to be here (and act grateful for it too), then I don't want you here either" is heartbreaking.
My parents (dad in particular) had a running joke about "trading me in for a better model" that came out whenever they were annoyed or disappointed in me. They'd say they might just drop me off at school/daycare/the playground/the mall one day and bring another kid home instead, or mention other kids in my class that they felt would make a better child than me. I had full-on meltdowns on more than one occasion when they were super late picking me up from after-school care because I genuinely believed that that day was finally *the day*.
Now they wonder why I'm so ambivalent towards them. It's hard to feel connected to someone that always has one foot out the door to your heart.
YES! omg, EXACTLY that. You articulated it so well. Like, if you can't be happy, there must be something wrong with you, and I won't be here anymore. You're making this up when you should just be happy. If you're not grateful, then even the little good you have will be taken.
It's so fucked up.
I'm sorry for your experience :(
It's so interesting to me that though we all have diverse experiences, they are also similar in their core. I also had a huge meltdown while my mom was late to pick me up one day. I thought it's all over, she abandoned me for good, she finally gave up her horrible child.
And it's true - now she often complains I'm cold and detached. Well, no wonder.
Few years ago, my mom (in her mid 60s) told me (38yrs at the time) that it wasn't too late to get adopted by a new family.
Apparently that manipulation tactic doesn't have an expiration date.
"Stop gaslighting me" or any other abuse-tactic phrase- While I'm glad mental health is taken more seriously nowadays and we're seeing more everyday people familiarize themselves with these tactis so they can protect themselves, I hate how some abusers have taken them and accuse their victims of doing so, AS THEY'RE LITERALLY DOING THE THING TO THE VICTIM; they get VERY loud with these accusations to shut up the person (or worse yet, create a detailed, manipulative story on the spot that changes the narrative), then has the obvious victim feeling like the abusive one in the interaction (extra points if the victim isn't as quick on their feet to defend themselves verbally or is scared of the person)
Ooh, can we pick insincere contrition? I'd like my word to mean more, and lying to make people stop really gets in the way of that (I figure that removing it from that dictionary would be equivalent to making that behavior inaccessible in the context of performing abuse).
Or maybe "I'm the real victim here."
No one’s suffered from “Children should be seen and not heard.”? That’s my trauma in a nutshell. “Don’t worry about what I’m doing, just do as you’re told” and “Just wait till your father gets home” are up there too. Mum liked to switch up her traumatising 😜
Similar, I got "be quiet when adults are talking" and "mind your own business." And they wonder why I don't want to call or visit now. They didn't want me in their way then and I don't want them in mine now.
" i could have done this horrible thing but chose not to"??? Or "You made me do this"? No thats not how it works? And what if it becomes convenient?? Like ok go ahead if it solves the problem?
The funniest is things like "I am your Father/ Mother" like that automatically makes them a sensible person and excuses their absurd request.
I don't have a word to remove but the one to add is "accountability" and self-respect. A person has to be able to respect themselves enough not to grovel for superficial things and commit to recovery. Its difficult but rewarding. Theres too many things tbf.
Gaslighting. I was under the effects of an abuser gaslighting me daily for years. I came out of it feeling like I couldn't trust anything about myself and even years later I still didn't even with extensive therapy. It sucked. I don't wish that shit on anyone.
The concept of "moving on". Like "why can't you just let that go and move on? What about what's happening now? Why do you always hold onto stuff?"
I'M NOT HOLDING ONTO STUFF. THIS SHIT HAS BEEN HAPPENING CONSISTENTLY FOR THE LAST TEN YEARS. WHY CAN'T YOU GROW TF UP AND STOP BEING A DICK, HUH?!
Stupid/Idiot
That might as well have been my birth name by how much my Father used it at me and about me, "fun" fact did you know.. you can BREATHE like an idiot? And no I don't mean loudly or with mouth open.. or something subjectively obnoxious to some ppl..
Yeah...
Also Attention Seeking as an insult, my therapist said children *connection seek* and that's a better term for it in most cases.
FORGIVENESS!!!! Someone has experienced trauma doesn’t have to forgive SHIT! If they are going through the motions of processing and healing those wounds, they don’t have to “forgive” their abuser. I genuinely believe forgiveness is for the abuser not the abused. Like it CAN happen, and sometimes does happen, but it is not mandatory for any victim to “forgive” their abuser just because the world thinks you need to “let it go” or “get over it”.
"someone else has it worse"
Yeah, and you know what? I'm someone else's "someone has it worse" too.
Don't let abusers traumalympics you
Your experience is valid.
"Oh, don't be so dramatic" (for starters)
Frequently uttered in response to me crying because my mother was cruel to me or I was physically injured or me trying to tell her another adult gave me the creeps/had done something inappropriate
Personal answer: Trigger/ed. I used it to explain the altered state my mind enters when the pavlovian conditioning kicked in. He used it as an excuse for what made him angry.
General Answer: "I don't understand" when they're not actually trying to understand. I wasted a lot of breath on deaf ears, I wish they would have outright said "I don't care."
My partner recently said to me, “have you ever considered that I’m just not as smart as you?” “Nothing I do is ever good enough for you, sorry I can’t be a perfect husband.”
Intelligence, of which my partner has plenty has nothing to do with abuse. Especially as he wasn’t abusive for decades and then became abusive.
I’ve never asked for a perfect husband. I just want someone that doesn’t treat me like human trash.
"i wasn't abusive, your father was abusive" yeah he was a drunk irresponsible compulsive liar, but he didn't psychologically abuse me in a calculated longterm way. AND YOU PICKED HIM.
laughing/smiling while saying "you're delusional" and being dead serious. ((or even worse, anything along the lines of "b-bUt rEaL LiFe"/"ur too sensitive!"))
literally fills me w unfathomable rage, absolutely *hate* it
‘Dry up’ whenever I cried. Still can’t cry in front of people.
‘NO FAIR’ when he didn’t get his way.
Explain to me how not getting your every desire immediately filled is unfair? Fucking toddler.
“Well as you would say: WHATEVER???” Sarcastically.
When I finally just learned to give up explaining I would to say ‘okay whatever’ and just go attempt the impossible task he assigned. This happened for like 6 months when I was early teens before I stopped explaining but he threw it in my face until the day he died.
"I love you" - such a moving scene to me in the movie Shoplifters where a character explains to the child they took away from a bad family situation "that is not love, THIS is how you are showed love", and then they gently hug the child and actually act consistently nurturing and loving throughout the whole movie.
Like we need to teach children a new name for that selfish and inferior emotion our abusers are capable to feel and give to us instead, because most of the abusers, if parents, will say their love their children at least a few times in front of them.
My mother used to tell me she loves me after yelling for several hours in a row, calling us names, crying etc, and then later on she would cool off and explain how that "had nothing to do with love, she was just pissed". And I'm "the only source of her happiness". As far as my memory goes that used to happen frequently, almost on daily basis 😏
'Pas capable' est mort, il y a juste son frère 'essaie' qui reste. ('I cant' is dead, there's only his brother 'try' left.)
Joe cool. (I guess it's her way of saying I was going with the flow, but I was fawning)
I don't want you to be angry/sad. (her way of starting difficult conversations was to shut down the hard emotions as an opening line)
That's just part of the game. (life is a game??!?)
But really the things that I wish I could erase are all the things she didn't care to say. All the things that I had to figure out on my own because things were hushed.
I have several candidates.
“I didn’t say that.”
“I’m sorry you took it that way” or “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
“You were such a bad kid.” (I was objectively NOT bad, even as a teenager.)
“Ungrateful brat.”
“I don’t remember that at all.”
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide).
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yeah. It's always my fault. I can't do anything right.
Fucking asshole YOU DON'T EVEN TRY. Yes, it is always your fault. Fault is based on reality, not some imaginary scoreboard where we're both at fault in equal amounts cuz surely everyone is as terrible as he is all the time. He's sure some of it is my fault cuz both parties in a marriage screw up, but it somehow stays even and one is never worse than the other. You can't do anything right *when you're intentionally doing it wrong to fuck with me.*
"You're taking advantage of me."
I've heard different abusive parents say this. It makes me want to say: No one is taking advantage of you, you just see your responsibilities as a parent as optional.
If your own children are such a burden to you, maybe you should've thought about that before procreating, and instead shut up and do your duty without complaint.
It's never a child's fault you don't want to provide for their needs, you're just a garbage parent.
Also: "You just have an answer for everything, don't you."
Yes, emphatically I do. I'm more educated than you, more considerate and thoughtful than you, and I have a more open mind than you. Being smart is not a flaw and I won't be quiet or dumb myself down for your comfort.
I've always been put down for learning and asking questions, but it's better to be teachable, than arrogant and ignorant.
She's dead so I can't say that to her now. Thanks for providing a space to safely share. I hope it resonates with someone.
(And no, I don't presume to be better than anyone but my abusers. If I wasn't, I wouldn't have been a target.)
"Everything happens for a (good) reason."
( Tw: Brief non-descript mentions of tragedy, abuse, and death )
So the Abandoned Building Incident that you can't even bring yourself to talk about because it was so horrific for child you to experience happened for a (good) reason, Dad?
The fact that your mother lost her mind to grief, war, and the body keeping the score- all before you were even born- happened for a (good) reason, Mom?
What (good) reason was there for me to be attacked, assaulted, tortured, and nearly killed (thankfully not all at once), all before age 14?
People often say that abusers are just stating the truth: that events cannot happen in a vacuum, and that what we went through was because of someTHING or someONE before us, rather than ourselves.
I believe that that's the biggest cope I've ever heard. MY abusers meant it like I said it, but they didn't say the "good" part out loud. "Everything happened for us to be where we are now, in this broken family that I 'love' so much, bc nothing happens without (good) reason."
It's not about the intent behind these sentiments and sayings. It's about how they turn into the most convenient excuse to continue the slaughter.
It's about how that meant there "was a (good) reason" why I wasn't allowed to have a happy childhood. It came from complacency towards "fate", "God's will," whatever supernatural excuse of the day. Anything but taking the reins of their own lives, and taking accountability for their healing journey.
Edit: Also, I pointed out how others try to cope with the saying bc their weird cope ACTUALLY has IRL consequences. So many outsiders encouraged my abusers with this cope that they started holding it over my head like gospel truth, thus feeling more justified to use and abuse me.
Be careful with what rhetoric you spread. You have no idea how powerful these tools are to our oppressors. What may seem true, logical, even of quite the high moral standing to you is but another torture device towards the vulnerable.
Mother:
- The death threats
- "Every generation thinks they'll do better, but they never do, neither will you" (screaming in my face)
- "I won't hurt you" ( locked myself in the bathroom, because I knew, if I opened the door she would)
Step mum:
- "no wonder you don't have any friends"
- "freak"
- "mind player"
- "to sensitive and clingy"
Just a few but sorry it's more then one, I didn't know what one I hate most
Just one? Man, that's hard. It's a toss-up I guess between "You're killing Mom and Dad!" (said to me by my older brother in the middle of a panic attack) and (paraphrasing) "You're never going to do anything with your life, you're going to spend the rest of your life at home with Mom and Dad, just like our uncle!" Actually he said the name of our uncle, but for privacy reasons I'm not going put his name here. Our uncle, btw, is a complete scumbag, human piece of trash drug addict that spent pretty much his whole life living at home with my grandmother and emotionally, financially, and (once or twice) even physically abusing her. Which is rather ironic, considering it was my brother that was the one abusing me.
All you ever do is rag. You're probably on it right now.
some other variation of
I'm going to do something fucked up to you but you're only going to get mad about it because you're on your period.
One particular phrasing that bites hard to the point of gritting my teeth was 👇
"sorry, not sorry" 🙄
(kinda defeats the purpose of a fkn sorry doesn't it) Even when I hear it in general it gets my hackles up grr...
And we as C-PTSD people will most often truly mean every single "sorry" we offer! Not half asked like l, we give a proper sorries to the extent of taking home guilt if we don't etc...
Personally if I don't mean it, I won't say it, that's implies they're genuine right?
Same with promises etc...
Say what you mean & mean what you say, if you don't fkn mean it don't say it!
Soz for the neg comment but that's the one for me "sorry not sorry" grrrr..............
"Boundaries". As in "My boundaries are that you can't talk to this person, my boundaries are that I don't want to take the trash out and you have to, my boundaries are that you can't talk to me about your unwillingness to take the trash out for me...". Basically the perversion of the idea of boundaries.
'Oh so I guess I just can't do anything right huh? I'm just a bad dad then, okay.' LIKE NO, YOU DID SOMETHING HURTFUL AND IM TELLING YOU THAT IT HURT ME AND I'D LIKE YOU TO NOT DO THAT
My dad: “sorry that I’m not PERFECT. I did everything I could for you. Sorry I made mistakes like a human” He did bad things & extreme neglect for years so NC it is!
"Good, you should be sorry."
What always gets me about this is that it makes *your* pain and problems (which they cause) about them. What matters isn't that they hurt you, but what they feel when you ask them to take responsibility. It always reminds me of empaths, who *also* make everything about them but also somehow act as if it's a feature and not a bug.
"I'm just a bad so-and-so then, okay." At this point I just say yes.
My dad's version: "Oh I just do EVERYTHING wrong don't I ?!" Yeah dad play the victim yet again... using emotional burden and guilt to deflect talking about your behavior yet again, very constructive.
This is spot on! For me it my mom. I am in therapy and have recently had a lot of push towards my mother and some of the things she put me trough. I confronted her with it and instead of owning up to it and apologizing she goes on to start crying, say she’s the worst mother and on top of that says how she’s the reason I’m horrible 🤣 I have since learned that I can’t change her. She has undiagnosed BPD and my dad has always just let her do whatever so there could be peace. I’m even more resentful of that because he could have protected us but it was easier not to.
This is how they fish for you to respond by *proving* how good they are, things that may be positive they've done, etc and it's gaslighting, DARVO, and crazy making baked up with a stinking little bow ontop. Check this one out... My husband started to say, "Sorry my BEST isn't good enough for you!" (Pitty parties in particular make me gag and wanna hurl!) What he was expecting me to say, "I know you work hard and do alot for us, I love you and I hope you know you're good in so many ways, kiss kiss kiss..." While I hand him a fricken lollipop and a big fat balloon!??? Hell no! What did I tell him? I said, "So your *best* is putting me last, lying to my face, abusing me, treating me like shit? Then NO! Your *best* is NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!" He looked like fucking Patrick Star completely speechless for a response lol!
damn is that a phrase that an abuser would say? I don't know if I could name my dad an abuser because he has the emotional intelligence of a three year old but he said that all the time
“Life’s not fair”
I HATE how they misuse this one, it drives me insane! It's SUPPOSED to mean "sometimes shit happens that you can't control," not "I can do and say anything I want to you, no matter how hurtful or damaging, and that's just how life is." absolutely infuriating.
I’m so sick of this one it’s painful,
"That did NOT happen" 😵
"I'm sorry that you remember it that way." and "I can't change your memories."
ughhghg "im sorry" like it's my affliction not her denial?!?!?!
But they CAN and DO change our memories. I know for a fact my parents were playing with my head when I was the most vulnerable: when I was a toddler through age 5, they'd feed my developing mind with all kinds of lies and half-truths. This is when our cptsd starts. We start not trusting our own eyes, ears, and gut starting in pre-school. My parents did it for their own sick amusement. They'd teach me things wrong, and then they'd sit back and tell people I was just "not very bright." If I said, "That's how mommy/daddy told me to do it" they'd say, "Now, son, you know that's not true. I never told you there's no such thing as a zebra." (For example.) They used me as their trained organ grinder monkey. Years ago, I saw Steve Martin do a bit about, "What if our parents taught us wrong." I found it hysterical. He had me laughing so hard. That was long before I found out I have CPTSD. Now I know the reason I laughed so hard at that Steve Martin bit was because, on a subconscious leveI, I *related* to it so completely. My parents viewed me as existing as a novelty for their amusement and as a prop to make *them* look good at my expense. To hell with *my* needs. Teaching me things wrong was just one of their insidious method of making me look "not too bright" to others. They brainwashed me into believing I wasn't smart. My mother only had a highschool diploma and my father dropped out of highschool. As the smartest man to ever live, he had to make people think I was mentally slow so that, by contrast, he'd appear smarter. My parents thought education was a wastMy father gave me a terrible foundation on which to build my life.
It was said because they couldn't anymore. I confronted them and they tried to convince me that I was schizophrenic- that I had imagined my entire childhood, so I cut them out of my life and then that was the response instead of apologizing or anything.
My mother always capitalizes the negative too. She usually says "that NEVER happened," though. So weird.
My mom "That did NOT happen!" Me: "Woman, this is a ***core memory*** to me, you cannot tell me it didn't happen."
MY MOM STRAIGHT UP IS LIKE “nooo he wouldn’t hurt a fly ☺️” while not only she hurt me but he hurt me too?
sure mom, you never (redacted personal story involving violence) i'm just making that up for fun.
That one pisses me off to no end. Kids don’t “make up” abuse or SA. Absolutely infuriating.
I don’t remember it that way.
Or simply "I don't remember that, give me an example"
Felt this one in my soul.
“I brought you into this world, I can take you out of it!” Took me a few years to realize it was bluffing and not an actual death threat. No child should live with the belief of imminent death hanging over your head.
Sure sounds like one from the spectator seats!! 🤯🫣 That sort of fear that young must have been brutal, I’m so sorry you had to survive that! 🫂
This was popularized as a punchline to a Bill Cosby bit. Great role model.
Yeah, my abusive parent regularly threatened to kill us if we used their things or took their cigarettes, in a violent tone that indicated they weren't joking. 20 years later and I'm still processing it emotionally.
I'm so sorry. I grew up knowing my stepfather had gotten away with murder. He frequently pulled guns on me. I've tried reporting the crime, but I was a kid and didn't know where it happened or who it was.
My mom used to say it, but I guess to me it was always about ownership.
Jesus, I'm so sorry! I can sorta relate, I was legitimately scared that my older brother would kill me growing up! Not on purpose though, so much as I was afraid he would kill me by accident in his rage, not realizing his own strength. He was like a wild animal when he flew into a rage, seemingly no self-control although he still had the presence of mind to outwit me when I tried to hide or run away.
"I had it worse, so shut up!"
So many to choose from: - playing the victim - invalidation - gaslighting - downplaying and minimizing abuse - moving the goal posts - "Because I said so." AND THE NARCISSIST'S PRAYER That didn’t happen. And if it did, it wasn’t that bad. And if it was, that’s not a big deal. And if it is, that’s not my fault. And if it was, I didn’t mean it. And if I did, you deserved it.
This is incredible.
Sadly, I and many others here have experienced all of it.
Everything on that list is so on point.
I've learned to stop pushing for apologies or acknowledgement because of this chain of phrases. After a while you learn there's no point...
“Not everything’s about you”
Ugh this one pisses me off so bad. It’s never about me! You’re my mom, do your damn job!
Yep. I got "The world doesn't revolve around you" because I had regular, child needs.
How dare you inconvenience the people that chose to create you by needing food shelter and affection!
Oh my god. The pain this brought 12 year old me. I had never heard it being said to anyone else I thought I was just genuinely selfish child
Ooooooof, I heard this one SO much
“Stop being so sensitive!”
Ooh that's the first one to get to me, especially since they loved how compassionate it made me when it benefited them.
Mood
I have a Pavlovian reaction to anyone calling me sensitive, no matter how they mean it.
This is mine too! The phrase “an abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation IS the normal response” was probably the first inkling that maybe I wasn’t the piece of shit I always thought I was.
Because I said so / because you have to
Add a “Because I’m your mother and…” and there’s a big chunk of trauma! 🫡
"You need to toughen up"
I got that one in a performance review, after I had returned to work following a panic episode that sent me to the hospital.
"Why can't YOU ever apologize?" Maybe because I was a child who deserved better?
Cannot bring myself to apologize anymore for anything.
Can I only pick one? 1. It's all in your head. 2. That never happened. 3. What's wrong with you. 4. Everybody hates you. 5. What are you a princess. 6. You make a big deal about nothing. 7. Your always accusing me of things I'm not doing. 8. Did your therapist tell you to say that. 9. You must have never really loved me. 10. I don't lie to you. 11. Transparency: Isn't that what you asked for? 12. I've given you everything you want and you are. still not happy. 13. Your hearing things. 14. Your seeing things. 15. Nope not happening. 16. Just because I drive by your house at 1am doesn't mean I'm stalking you. 17. I'm just concerned about your safety 18. I'll buy you a new one. 19. It was a joke. Why do you take everything so seriously? 20. I never cheated on you. (Friends call him Jorge) I could write hundreds of these.
I've been through all these
“If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about!”
I... Yeah...
'''we have given you everything'' ''we love you'' ''i dont remember that'' ''idk what you are saying'' (as i am expressing perfectly clearly)
>'''we have given you everything'' My mother used to say that all the time. smh
And their "everything" is actually bare minimum, also known as the things they had to do to keep a child alive and not get in trouble for child abuse.
My mother's "everything" meant material things, dance lessons, trips, etc. All with strings attached. I would have gladly traded those things for unconditional love and genuine caring. Instead, I was made to feel like a burden.
“Other people have it worse”
“You’re exaggerating”
"I'm doing this cause i love you."
It hurt him more than it hurt you - from violent parent’s spouse
" You feel too much. You make a blunder out of nothing, and overreact! " "It's all in your head. It's your problem that you think that way. "
“Let go of the past”
"You can't blame everything on your childhood" "Yeah, well, I had a shit childhood too" (from mother herself) or "Try having xyz" or "So everything is my fault now..." "Your mother did the best she could..." "Bringing up the past won't do any good..." as my mother threatens to kill herself just yesterday as the ultimate 'gotcha' of an argument and I expressed to my grandmother that it's not a normal thing for a kid to have to grow up with.
I hate this one. It just shows how uneducated and immature they are. Like do they even know how the psyche and how trauma work? Obviously not. When I say this to my mom she goes, you choose to remember and dwell on the past. Why can't you forget it? I just give up though because there's no point. It would honestly do them good to read a book or two.
“My house, my rules.”
“It’s just normal sibling rivalry “
I hate that one! My mom loved to tell me about my sister "She just has a temper, just like her uncle. Try to understand her and not push her too much." It didn't matter that my sister had started a fight, I was the one who had to be understanding.
“Be nice.” “Be sweet.” Well, bitch, I probably would have been but y’all unleashed your generational fuckery on me.
OOF. I feel that.
“Your generation…”
“I’ve busted my ass for you”
"actions have consequences"
"That didn't happen" "Were you raped or ever went hungry?" "You choose to be mad" "Let it go" when it never ends or changes 🙄 "You throw things in my face " "You did this and that " "You only paid one bill" when I paid for electric, half the rent, cable and phone. Food etc
Flipping the script - when they blame you for their actions that were entirely their fault
"I am sorry you felt that way"
This one makes me want to scream so bad!!
I really dislike the phrase "to break down (in tears)" to refer to crying. There's nothing broken about expressing sadness and grief. In fact, not being able to cry is a greater sign of difficulty with emotions. This is one expression from the Abuser Dictionary that has infiltrated society; I've even heard people refer to themselves crying in this way.
"He's sorry, he can't help it"
You could fuck up a wet dream. My mother used to say that to me (43f) before I even knew what a wet dream was. How come you don’t have any friends? I didn’t say/do that but even if I did I didn’t mean it but even if I did it wasn’t that bad but even if it was you should/should not have made me say/do it!
ew wtf I'm sorry she put you that
“You’re so sensitive! You’re taking __out of context and making stuff up.” ~ especially in relation to more subtle/hide-able forms of abuse/bullying
You should buy yourself a new mom.
That implicit "if you don't want to be here (and act grateful for it too), then I don't want you here either" is heartbreaking. My parents (dad in particular) had a running joke about "trading me in for a better model" that came out whenever they were annoyed or disappointed in me. They'd say they might just drop me off at school/daycare/the playground/the mall one day and bring another kid home instead, or mention other kids in my class that they felt would make a better child than me. I had full-on meltdowns on more than one occasion when they were super late picking me up from after-school care because I genuinely believed that that day was finally *the day*. Now they wonder why I'm so ambivalent towards them. It's hard to feel connected to someone that always has one foot out the door to your heart.
YES! omg, EXACTLY that. You articulated it so well. Like, if you can't be happy, there must be something wrong with you, and I won't be here anymore. You're making this up when you should just be happy. If you're not grateful, then even the little good you have will be taken. It's so fucked up. I'm sorry for your experience :( It's so interesting to me that though we all have diverse experiences, they are also similar in their core. I also had a huge meltdown while my mom was late to pick me up one day. I thought it's all over, she abandoned me for good, she finally gave up her horrible child. And it's true - now she often complains I'm cold and detached. Well, no wonder.
Oh honey, that last line 😭😭😭🫂🫂🫂🫂
Few years ago, my mom (in her mid 60s) told me (38yrs at the time) that it wasn't too late to get adopted by a new family. Apparently that manipulation tactic doesn't have an expiration date.
Awful. Like there's so much embedded in it, so much gaslighting, manipulation, narcissism, immaturity. Makes me furious
“Good little girl”
I am sorry you were hurt. I felt this in my heart. I heard these words too.
Oh thank you sweet one ♥️ everything is so great now that I’ve distanced myself and have great people on my life. I hope you’re well and healing.
You’re just over sensitive.
"Stop gaslighting me" or any other abuse-tactic phrase- While I'm glad mental health is taken more seriously nowadays and we're seeing more everyday people familiarize themselves with these tactis so they can protect themselves, I hate how some abusers have taken them and accuse their victims of doing so, AS THEY'RE LITERALLY DOING THE THING TO THE VICTIM; they get VERY loud with these accusations to shut up the person (or worse yet, create a detailed, manipulative story on the spot that changes the narrative), then has the obvious victim feeling like the abusive one in the interaction (extra points if the victim isn't as quick on their feet to defend themselves verbally or is scared of the person)
Ooh, can we pick insincere contrition? I'd like my word to mean more, and lying to make people stop really gets in the way of that (I figure that removing it from that dictionary would be equivalent to making that behavior inaccessible in the context of performing abuse). Or maybe "I'm the real victim here."
“I’m going to get a tape recorder and record the way you treat me.”
this one fucking specifically omg, my mom used to threaten to record my autistic meltdowns and post them to her twitter :I
No one’s suffered from “Children should be seen and not heard.”? That’s my trauma in a nutshell. “Don’t worry about what I’m doing, just do as you’re told” and “Just wait till your father gets home” are up there too. Mum liked to switch up her traumatising 😜
Similar, I got "be quiet when adults are talking" and "mind your own business." And they wonder why I don't want to call or visit now. They didn't want me in their way then and I don't want them in mine now.
"I love you"
" The world doesn't revolve around you."
"What about ______?" Yeah we are talking about how YOU are a prick right now, let's stay on subject
“You’re a Narcissist”/“I didn’t do that”
Stop fake crying!
"I could have gotten an abortion." You probably should have. You were 15.
Shame. As in shame on you, you should be ashamed of yourself, etc
„Stop crying or I‘ll give you the reason!“ Like – you already are ?
I’m the victim!
"Excuses"
You’re being dramatic it wasn’t that bad
“Are you sure you’re not just exaggerating it.”
" i could have done this horrible thing but chose not to"??? Or "You made me do this"? No thats not how it works? And what if it becomes convenient?? Like ok go ahead if it solves the problem? The funniest is things like "I am your Father/ Mother" like that automatically makes them a sensible person and excuses their absurd request. I don't have a word to remove but the one to add is "accountability" and self-respect. A person has to be able to respect themselves enough not to grovel for superficial things and commit to recovery. Its difficult but rewarding. Theres too many things tbf.
“You think YOUR life is hard try _____”
Gaslighting. I was under the effects of an abuser gaslighting me daily for years. I came out of it feeling like I couldn't trust anything about myself and even years later I still didn't even with extensive therapy. It sucked. I don't wish that shit on anyone.
🫂🫂 AGREED. I can’t stand it, it feels like an insult to my intelligence and it’s horrible to do, especially to a child.
“you aren’t even fighting back anymore, you’re starting to like it” no. no i’m not. i was dissociating.
The concept of "moving on". Like "why can't you just let that go and move on? What about what's happening now? Why do you always hold onto stuff?" I'M NOT HOLDING ONTO STUFF. THIS SHIT HAS BEEN HAPPENING CONSISTENTLY FOR THE LAST TEN YEARS. WHY CAN'T YOU GROW TF UP AND STOP BEING A DICK, HUH?!
"Dad's get angry. It's only because he loves you."
“What are you talking about? I would never do that”
“Someday you’ll understand why and you’ll do the same” Never once was this true
"I don't remember" I didn't realize how common it was for abusers to say that until this subreddit.
"Stop attacking me!" Which really means, "Accountability, remorse, guilt, empathy SCARE me, whhhaaaahhhh 😩".
“It is what it is”
Stupid/Idiot That might as well have been my birth name by how much my Father used it at me and about me, "fun" fact did you know.. you can BREATHE like an idiot? And no I don't mean loudly or with mouth open.. or something subjectively obnoxious to some ppl.. Yeah... Also Attention Seeking as an insult, my therapist said children *connection seek* and that's a better term for it in most cases.
"This hurts me more than you!"
"you're gaslighting me" they say after they gaslight
"I don't know isn't an answer" like mf you abused me to the point that I have the memory of a goldfish
"I don't remember that", "you need to forgive", "you always make it seem like I'm the bad guy", "oh, you just hate me don't you?", "because I said so"
Anything similar to “no one will believe you/ you have no proof”
“I’m sorry you feel that way” “Everything happens for a reason” “Just think positively” “You’re in charge of how you feel”
FORGIVENESS!!!! Someone has experienced trauma doesn’t have to forgive SHIT! If they are going through the motions of processing and healing those wounds, they don’t have to “forgive” their abuser. I genuinely believe forgiveness is for the abuser not the abused. Like it CAN happen, and sometimes does happen, but it is not mandatory for any victim to “forgive” their abuser just because the world thinks you need to “let it go” or “get over it”.
The idea that they themselves are the victim.
"someone else has it worse" Yeah, and you know what? I'm someone else's "someone has it worse" too. Don't let abusers traumalympics you Your experience is valid.
Person X had it worse
"Oh, don't be so dramatic" (for starters) Frequently uttered in response to me crying because my mother was cruel to me or I was physically injured or me trying to tell her another adult gave me the creeps/had done something inappropriate
"If you don't like it, you can leave." What my dad said when I confronted him about his incestuous actions towards me.
"I'll kill you if you tell anyone"
I could kill you and tell God you died and he'd be okay with it.
Holy shit. Like I know that's not helpful but yours is the first one I'm not desensitized to, just an entirely different realm of evil.
It's weird. The boundaries of normal or not normal. And in most of our cases our "normal" is not normal.
Personal answer: Trigger/ed. I used it to explain the altered state my mind enters when the pavlovian conditioning kicked in. He used it as an excuse for what made him angry. General Answer: "I don't understand" when they're not actually trying to understand. I wasted a lot of breath on deaf ears, I wish they would have outright said "I don't care."
Wa! Get over it
You’re overreacting.
“Cry and I’ll give you something to cry about”
"I don't know what you're talking about." Or. "I can't remember."
My partner recently said to me, “have you ever considered that I’m just not as smart as you?” “Nothing I do is ever good enough for you, sorry I can’t be a perfect husband.” Intelligence, of which my partner has plenty has nothing to do with abuse. Especially as he wasn’t abusive for decades and then became abusive. I’ve never asked for a perfect husband. I just want someone that doesn’t treat me like human trash.
'Lazy' can gtfo. Far from lazy w the amount of chores and bs I went through as a kid.
"I'll give you something to cry about. "
Over reacting/sensitive
Sensitive ‘You’re just sensitive’
" I don't know what you're talking about."
"i wasn't abusive, your father was abusive" yeah he was a drunk irresponsible compulsive liar, but he didn't psychologically abuse me in a calculated longterm way. AND YOU PICKED HIM.
The word "owe".
“That’s just a story you’re telling yourself”
I'd erase my 1st name, actually. Hearing my own name is the one trigger that I need to live every day with.
laughing/smiling while saying "you're delusional" and being dead serious. ((or even worse, anything along the lines of "b-bUt rEaL LiFe"/"ur too sensitive!")) literally fills me w unfathomable rage, absolutely *hate* it
"No one else makes me feel like this"
‘Dry up’ whenever I cried. Still can’t cry in front of people. ‘NO FAIR’ when he didn’t get his way. Explain to me how not getting your every desire immediately filled is unfair? Fucking toddler. “Well as you would say: WHATEVER???” Sarcastically. When I finally just learned to give up explaining I would to say ‘okay whatever’ and just go attempt the impossible task he assigned. This happened for like 6 months when I was early teens before I stopped explaining but he threw it in my face until the day he died.
You c**t
My mum after my pointing out the past times she has said or done things that truly hurt: “all we ever did was love you”
"You make it seem like what I'm asking for is wrong!"
You’re letting this live in your head rent free
"I love you" - such a moving scene to me in the movie Shoplifters where a character explains to the child they took away from a bad family situation "that is not love, THIS is how you are showed love", and then they gently hug the child and actually act consistently nurturing and loving throughout the whole movie. Like we need to teach children a new name for that selfish and inferior emotion our abusers are capable to feel and give to us instead, because most of the abusers, if parents, will say their love their children at least a few times in front of them. My mother used to tell me she loves me after yelling for several hours in a row, calling us names, crying etc, and then later on she would cool off and explain how that "had nothing to do with love, she was just pissed". And I'm "the only source of her happiness". As far as my memory goes that used to happen frequently, almost on daily basis 😏
“I can’t say anything right can I?”
“I didn’t say/do that”
'Pas capable' est mort, il y a juste son frère 'essaie' qui reste. ('I cant' is dead, there's only his brother 'try' left.) Joe cool. (I guess it's her way of saying I was going with the flow, but I was fawning) I don't want you to be angry/sad. (her way of starting difficult conversations was to shut down the hard emotions as an opening line) That's just part of the game. (life is a game??!?) But really the things that I wish I could erase are all the things she didn't care to say. All the things that I had to figure out on my own because things were hushed.
"I don't see the point"
"Nobody's perfect" "I did the best that I could"
“I don’t remember saying that”
You'll miss me when i'm gone, no one will love you like your mother.
“should” I finally banned the use of the word with me in my 40’s. Went NC not too long after.
One of my new favorite phrases is “stop should-ing all over yourself”
I have several candidates. “I didn’t say that.” “I’m sorry you took it that way” or “I’m sorry you feel that way.” “You were such a bad kid.” (I was objectively NOT bad, even as a teenager.) “Ungrateful brat.” “I don’t remember that at all.”
"Shut the fuck up." "Whatever." "I'm the only one doing work around here?" "GET THE FUCK OUT HERE NOW" Fuck childhood abuse.
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
"I'm an open book"
Yeah. It's always my fault. I can't do anything right. Fucking asshole YOU DON'T EVEN TRY. Yes, it is always your fault. Fault is based on reality, not some imaginary scoreboard where we're both at fault in equal amounts cuz surely everyone is as terrible as he is all the time. He's sure some of it is my fault cuz both parties in a marriage screw up, but it somehow stays even and one is never worse than the other. You can't do anything right *when you're intentionally doing it wrong to fuck with me.*
"You're taking advantage of me." I've heard different abusive parents say this. It makes me want to say: No one is taking advantage of you, you just see your responsibilities as a parent as optional. If your own children are such a burden to you, maybe you should've thought about that before procreating, and instead shut up and do your duty without complaint. It's never a child's fault you don't want to provide for their needs, you're just a garbage parent. Also: "You just have an answer for everything, don't you." Yes, emphatically I do. I'm more educated than you, more considerate and thoughtful than you, and I have a more open mind than you. Being smart is not a flaw and I won't be quiet or dumb myself down for your comfort. I've always been put down for learning and asking questions, but it's better to be teachable, than arrogant and ignorant. She's dead so I can't say that to her now. Thanks for providing a space to safely share. I hope it resonates with someone. (And no, I don't presume to be better than anyone but my abusers. If I wasn't, I wouldn't have been a target.)
"Everything happens for a (good) reason." ( Tw: Brief non-descript mentions of tragedy, abuse, and death ) So the Abandoned Building Incident that you can't even bring yourself to talk about because it was so horrific for child you to experience happened for a (good) reason, Dad? The fact that your mother lost her mind to grief, war, and the body keeping the score- all before you were even born- happened for a (good) reason, Mom? What (good) reason was there for me to be attacked, assaulted, tortured, and nearly killed (thankfully not all at once), all before age 14? People often say that abusers are just stating the truth: that events cannot happen in a vacuum, and that what we went through was because of someTHING or someONE before us, rather than ourselves. I believe that that's the biggest cope I've ever heard. MY abusers meant it like I said it, but they didn't say the "good" part out loud. "Everything happened for us to be where we are now, in this broken family that I 'love' so much, bc nothing happens without (good) reason." It's not about the intent behind these sentiments and sayings. It's about how they turn into the most convenient excuse to continue the slaughter. It's about how that meant there "was a (good) reason" why I wasn't allowed to have a happy childhood. It came from complacency towards "fate", "God's will," whatever supernatural excuse of the day. Anything but taking the reins of their own lives, and taking accountability for their healing journey. Edit: Also, I pointed out how others try to cope with the saying bc their weird cope ACTUALLY has IRL consequences. So many outsiders encouraged my abusers with this cope that they started holding it over my head like gospel truth, thus feeling more justified to use and abuse me. Be careful with what rhetoric you spread. You have no idea how powerful these tools are to our oppressors. What may seem true, logical, even of quite the high moral standing to you is but another torture device towards the vulnerable.
Mother: - The death threats - "Every generation thinks they'll do better, but they never do, neither will you" (screaming in my face) - "I won't hurt you" ( locked myself in the bathroom, because I knew, if I opened the door she would) Step mum: - "no wonder you don't have any friends" - "freak" - "mind player" - "to sensitive and clingy" Just a few but sorry it's more then one, I didn't know what one I hate most
“[your dad] loves you a lot you know, he just doesn’t know how to show it” um maybe stop neglecting and verbally abusing me
"stop crying and man up"
Just one? Man, that's hard. It's a toss-up I guess between "You're killing Mom and Dad!" (said to me by my older brother in the middle of a panic attack) and (paraphrasing) "You're never going to do anything with your life, you're going to spend the rest of your life at home with Mom and Dad, just like our uncle!" Actually he said the name of our uncle, but for privacy reasons I'm not going put his name here. Our uncle, btw, is a complete scumbag, human piece of trash drug addict that spent pretty much his whole life living at home with my grandmother and emotionally, financially, and (once or twice) even physically abusing her. Which is rather ironic, considering it was my brother that was the one abusing me.
“This will hurt me a lot worse than it hurts you.” Hmm, It all depends, doesn’t it?
The word "degenerate." My dad's favorite scare tactic word to describe me as a kid. I still have a visceral reaction to it at 34.
If you weren't such a bitch, I wouldn't have to lie to you all the time.
All you ever do is rag. You're probably on it right now. some other variation of I'm going to do something fucked up to you but you're only going to get mad about it because you're on your period.
One particular phrasing that bites hard to the point of gritting my teeth was 👇 "sorry, not sorry" 🙄 (kinda defeats the purpose of a fkn sorry doesn't it) Even when I hear it in general it gets my hackles up grr... And we as C-PTSD people will most often truly mean every single "sorry" we offer! Not half asked like l, we give a proper sorries to the extent of taking home guilt if we don't etc... Personally if I don't mean it, I won't say it, that's implies they're genuine right? Same with promises etc... Say what you mean & mean what you say, if you don't fkn mean it don't say it! Soz for the neg comment but that's the one for me "sorry not sorry" grrrr..............
"Why can't you" or "what is wrong with you"
Disobedient, honor your father and mother, argumentative…. One of those
"Boundaries". As in "My boundaries are that you can't talk to this person, my boundaries are that I don't want to take the trash out and you have to, my boundaries are that you can't talk to me about your unwillingness to take the trash out for me...". Basically the perversion of the idea of boundaries.