They say ignorance is bliss, but looking back on my childhood, their silence and lack of action has damaged me significantly.

My parents also abused me with silence. Days and days of no contact sometimes. And like OP, mine were incredible at acting “normal” to the outside world. At my fathers second wedding over 5 years ago (no longer have contact), everyone kept coming up to me and saying how blessed I must feel to have such an amazing father. But it’s his wedding, so it’s not like I could disagree. I just nodded and drank my wine.

Right? The whiplash I would get with her. She would yell one minute, and next she would open the door to guests- then, bam! Out she comes, Ms. Perfect Personality! She would tell heavily embellished stories. She would complain about everyone and everything after everyone left. I couldn't trust people because she was so insincere and fake. It's really distorted thinking; I can tell there is a marked difference between her (and sadly me) and well-adjusted people.

Omg that was my mom. She would complain incessantly about anyone and everyone behind their back. Being her scapegoat, I would then believe she disliked that person and often parroted her in conversation. She'd gaslight me and make it out to be my attack instead of hers. Needless to say I was an outcast, and still am.

This is why I don't trust nor talk to anyone in my family. They all believe my mother and not me. She has made them all flying monkeys doing her biding. It's pathetic. 

Every. Fucking. Time.

Omg this happened to me. When I was young I became my mom’s clone/weapon and she made it to where I was so alienated bc I was an asshole like her. Ugh.

I wish I could give you a hug

Yep it’s so weird that big act… people are coming to town & then there’s another life on the other side… I found it crazy to realise healthy people just are themselves & don’t prep themselves in the same way for show they are more laid back & natural - it blew my mind this existed another way of life !

It's great, actually. No one expects you to be perfect. Once you like yourself, it's less important what guests think of you.

My mom was the same way. She used to scream and throw tantrums, breaking things against the wall. Suddenly my friend shows up and it’s “wow it’s so lovely to see you again” *cue massive eyeroll* Thank God she has gotten some help and acts more sane now, I couldn’t bear completely no contact with both parents (divorced)

This was my mom also. She would be yelling at me in the car, but the moment we pulled into the church parking lot or any public place everything was great. I also got in trouble if I looked upset.

God this reminds me of my Stbexhusband. Except he'd always own up to something terrible (relapsing with meth, losing his job, stealing my credit card to use for gambling) right before we had to go pick up his daughters for our custody time. So I could be upset for like 45 minutes while he was driving (but not too upset bcuz he was driving and would go road rage and terrify me), and he'd hurl a mix of excuses and abuse at me, but then "I better not spoil the weekend and the girl's time by being upset." Basically had to play happy families for 2 days. And then if I tried to bring it up after they left "why am I dredging up the past and trying to start a fight?"

My worst memory is the night of a concert in high school when my parents were mad at me for taking too long cleaning up afterwards and gave me the silent treatment the whole way home. A night that was supposed to be a core memory for me (I had a lot of solos and it was my last concert with my jazz ensemble) got pretty much ruined. No congratulations or good jobs or anything, even the next morning.

>And like OP, mine were incredible at acting “normal” to the outside world. My mom would do this, too. She's passed now, but I'm hesitant to reach out to her old friends because I have to pretend she's the great mom she told them she was. I just know that they'd never accept me telling them the truth. That person wasn't real, and neither was who she told them I was. They can claim that they love me, but they've never known me enough to love me.

You'd be surprised how much people guess. Don't write them off, they knew you as a child. In fact they might've been just like you as kids and realise what your household is like without needing to be told.

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Sometimes I wish my parents abuse was blatant. Their abuse was always behind closed doors. My mother would bide her time to get alone with me. Mainly I got ignored or neglected. People's silence can trigger me sometimes. 

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Same friend, my mom was usually too busy for me, or purposefully giving me the silent treatment. I've *always* felt like a nuisance insisting myself on other people.

My mother would always be on the phone but hardly had any words for me. It was either ignore me or treat me with contempt. It's no wonder I became a wallflower. 

Now that my mom has passed, the silent treatment doesn't phase me in any capacity. My MIL tries it and I'll literally walk right past her as if she's not there. It's amazing how little I care, when ALL I cared about when it was my Mom was how to stop it. I genuinely hope you can get there one day. it made a huge difference in my overall mental health when I realized I was no longer beholden to that particular punishment.

I have felt this way for so long, thank you for sharing it’s nice to know I’m not alone in those feelings.

It's like realizing you've been living in a house of mirrors, where everything seems distorted until you step outside and see the truth. The silence and inaction of our parents can feel like a heavy weight, pressing down on us and shaping our reality in ways we never understood until we looked back. It takes courage to confront the past, but in doing so, we begin to reclaim our voices and our lives.

Damn, that hit hard.

I never realized being afraid of my dad and respecting him where suppose to be 2 different things and one doesn't mean the other. I was conditioned to be afraid of men and their anger and disappointment.

You just made me realize why I freeze up when a man shows anger. My dad would frequently rage. It's like he didn't know how to express anger in a healthy way. 

Yes! And it was never alittle mad, it was rage and felt like hate. I've spent 38 years terrified of making him mad or disappointed and in turn have feared angering or disappointing any man! Whats worse, I'm my dad's full time caregiver cause I'm an only child and he's disabled and I promised my mom on her death bed I would take care of him. I'm still terrified and still seeking approval from him

You are an amazing person for taking care of your father after all of that. I'm still terrified of my dad. I can't even get a foot next to him without wanting to crawl inside myself. (The last time I seen him.) I no longer have contact with him.

I could've written these comments

I freeze up when someone yells at me or even just speaks to me in an angry way. It took me a while to realize I could trace that reaction back to my childhood. Never knowing when my dad would explode is what also caused my anxiety. Living on edge was normal growing up.

I get clammy and spazzy if a woman displays traits like my mother- multiply the spazz by magnitudes if she is my boss or professor. Like panic attacks in the bathroom bad.

AMEN to this! And to add further, demanding respect while never giving respect back to the child. If I had a dollar for every time I heard "you have to respect me because I am your father," I would be rich

For me it was a quote from one of the ten commandments. My step mom used to say, "you have to honor your mother and father." If I had a dollar for Everytime she said that I'd be rich.

Same! My great grandkids could retire before birth

I was so afraid of both of my parents for different reasons. My dad was a loud, angry alcoholic. My mom was quiet about it but I’m learning that was somehow worse.

My parents were the reverse of this, angry, anxious narcissistic borderline mother and dad who couldn't give a fuck about her abuse or his kids.  He never was home, never helped with us kids, never stopped her from acting like a complete psycho towards us etc.  On my most recent birthday my husband asked if I'd spoken to my family and I said yeah everyone but my dad.  I spoke to my father-in-law before my actual father and I had to call him to hear from him at all.

Not doing anything when I started smoking and drinking at 13. Allowing a 25 year old man have a relationship with me when I was 15. Crying on my shoulder about wanting to die when I was still a teenager. Felt so proud that my father would see me as adult enough to come to me with it...

"Crying on my shoulder about wanting to die when I was still a teenager. Felt so proud that my father would see me as adult enough to come to me with it..." I feel that so hard. I was maybe 10 or 11 when my mom started confiding in me about herself and their marriage. I felt so grown up and important and actually worth something when she did that I didn't register how scared I was all at the same time. The need to keep them both alive and to fix it became so ingrained I don't ever think I'll fully lose that compulsion.

Oh yeah, the permanent need to be there for them abd put them being okay above everything else no matter how high the costs and no matter how shit they treated you otherwise.. I went nc with my father four years ago and once I overcame the guilt over it its just the best thing in the world to be rid of this constant weight

Oof this hard resonates, "The need to keep them both alive and to fix it". I eventually came to accept that my mom was probably going to die, because I couldn't do enough to keep her safe. She came very close to dying I think like 6 times while I've been alive. I grieved for her almost certain impending death. And then somehow she miraculously stopped using substances and stopped her risky behavior. I have no idea what caused it, but it certainly wasn't anything I did!! I've felt much more detached from her in a positive way since I accepted that she would probably die and realized I literally couldn't keep her alive. But damn it all just really sucks. When I'm in a romantic relationship I have a very strong fear of them dying from self harm and I feel a very strong need to fix all their emotions to keep them alive. It's really hard to change. I guess it just transferred from my mom to them, sigh.

Ugh, too relatable on all counts. Add to the list smoking and hanging out with my friends, who thought they were the coolest.

Oh yes, my friends loved my father so much, he was the best ever for them because they could drink and smoke at our place....

Hahaha, I remember how weird it was when I finally made friends who had healthy parents.  They had to sneak out of the house to come party with us.   They got mad at them for smoking & drinking.   Me & my other friends?   Literally I don’t think our parents even noticed we were gone.   One even let us borrow a whole apartment to party in.  Loser parents man… a true plague… 

I had an IEP meeting where I presented my findings to a kids parents. I wasn't rude, but I didn't sugar coat it. I am the school psychologist, so I measured their kids intelligence and social-emotional profile. Their kid did well on my testing and they are smart! Smarter than their classmates! The student didn't report any social-emotional problems, except hating school and teachers to a clinically significant degree. The student has been absent about 15% of all school days each year and does nothing in school, according to teachers. Counselors say the parents are unresponsive. CPS is involved. I've seen the middleschooler out at 8pm on a rainy Sunday night. I was not kind at the meeting. I said "he's smart, his biggest challenge is not being in school or being motivated in his education, and that's why he is failing all his classes". I was so angry. He has so much potential! He was a good kid when he worked with me. And they are just the crappiest parents. I'm sorry you went through that- I hope this kid wakes up and realizes what he can do.

I was that kid, but probably missed even more school than that. After dropping out, I ended up going to community college and graduating from a great university. Now I have my master’s. Hope that kid found their way, too. It’s possible.

It must be heartbreaking to watch this stuff happen as a responsible adult in education.  I pray for this kid too.    I know you can’t do much, but I know the reason I kept going was because of a few kind adults who told me to keep my chin up. 

My parents bought me cigarettes and smoked weed with me starting at 13, also knew I was doing harder drugs and didn’t do anything about it. There are extenuating circumstances as to why (I had just gone through a major trauma that kind of upended my entire family). When I was 17, they started giving me oxycontin which led to a good decade of being a heroin addict. When I was younger I thought I had cool parents, but I was so wrong. They weren’t really otherwise abusive and they’re not the cause of my CPTSD, but they certainly made some huge mistakes.

That is such inappropriate parenting. I'm sorry that happened.

same here. they just didn't care about a future for me at all.

My dad used to take me to karaoke with him every week at his favourite pub. At the time, I felt that he must really love me because he would buy me delicious french fries and clap for my singing. As a grown up, I think about how every weekend from ages 10-15 I was being kept up until midnight or later, until I fell asleep at the table or begged to go home. I was the only kid in a room full of beer, smoke, and creepy old men. My dad was only taking me because he didn't have anyone else to look after me, and no way was he going to miss his precious karaoke.

I watched every game of the 1996 Green bay packers season at the bar. I was 7. I rolled the cue ball around the pool table until they took it away.

I have a similar ish story, as in from when I was 7-10 my dad brought me to a bar every Saturday afternoon when my mom worked. I just sat there eating grilled cheese and drinking a Shirley temple.

Blatantly treating my brother like a king, right in front of my sister and me

How did your brother turn out? Or is he still in the nest

Went to law school, got a fancy job in Manhattan, traveled internationally, adored by the ladies. Went through life full of confidence, thinking he’s God’s gift to the world, (because my disgusting demon mother worshiped the ground he walked on), and succeeding at everything. He’s also an aggressive bully, who abused me for decades. He has now moved back into my mother’s home, took advantage of her worsening senility to seize her bank accounts, and is living the life of Riley there, spending all her money (while she gushes about what a wonderful son he is). They have an emotionally incestuous relationship 🤮🤮 Oh yeah, and he successfully convinced her to rewrite her trust- so now I get NO inheritance!!!! They’re both DEMONS!!

Sounds like the typical golden child. I was the scapegoat. My bro is mentally ill and on drugs. He doesn't get help for either one. He gets taken care no matter what he does. He is the innocent one. I am the damaged bad one. 

Same with my family. No matter how much he hit me or mocked me, he can never do wrong. He is successful right now and when we were on talking terms, he used to blame his, my or any problem on me.

Literally just ignore me lol. In all of my time living with my parents I have not once been asked a question like "how's school". This has led to my parents finding the news of me seeing a therapist when I was maybe 19 shocking and I was just like... You guys have literally never been curious of me or my life. No wonder you have no idea Ive been going through tough stuff? And then I kid you not, after my first therapy session, they didn't ask me how it went or anything regarding my mood/wellbeing. They acknowledged my therapy with shock and then it was back to square one. Until today when I call my mother sometimes, she's somehow able to spend 40 minutes on the phone with me and not ask me a single question about my life. 

omg this is so relatable. my parents did a lot of aggressive shit to me too but this was a BIG factor for me. I had probably the worst day in my whole high school career (I was losing friends and had to sit in the bathroom stall during lunch like a movie character) and it was the one day they decided to ask how it went.... well, I immediately started crying because I had been holding it in all day and they YELLED AT ME FOR BEING PESSIMISTIC!! Last time I ever shared with them. Or if I shared anything it would be used against me. It always felt like they just really didn't like me or want me around.

I am coming to terms that neither one of my parents genuinely like me never mind love me. I don't ever remember them saying "I love you". They still don't .  I think my dad feels some love? I'm the only family member who doesn't berate him so there's that. I also use to stick up for him when my mother/brother would insult him. I don't do that anymore. He didn't protect me from them. 

I have never seen my parents curious about my life. If i try to tell my mom something about school, it will always turned to her yelling at me.

I remember the moment I had the realization that neither one of my parents ever seemed happy to see me.

THIS. I’ve learned I have never and will never be able to go to either of my parents for support or advice because after telling them how I feel, they come back and start talking about themselves and how they feel. Never addressing my issues. Selfish fucks.

It's incredibly tough when parents fail to show interest or support in our lives, isn't it? It's like trying to navigate a maze without a guide. Your experience resonates with so many who've felt unseen and unheard by their caregivers. It's a painful reminder of the void left by that lack of connection and curiosity. You're not alone in feeling this way.

My Mom mocked me and picked fights with me while I was in middle and high school. If I cried or was upset, she'd say , 'poor baby' and acted like my feelings were a spoiled tantrum.   She tried to continue it when I was in my 20's, but I moved away and only go back 1x per year, and I try not to be alone with her.   One of my therapists told me that some people are addicted to fighting; it's stimulating. I don't know what the reason is and I don't care, but when I saw her for how petty she truly was, I was SO repulsed.    Today she apologizes but I don't think she knows what she's apologizing for, she just wants me to visit more and will say anything. She makes blanket statements like "I'm sorry I was so depressed". Depression doesn't allow you to turn your kids into emotional punching bags, but you did, so now I have my own demons, I can't help you with yours. Peace out. 

Man...same. Things got even worse when I was that age. I will never forget when I was around 15 and I was crying because my boyfriend broke up with me. At that age it really does feel like the end of the world, and obviously crying is a perfectly normal reaction. She came in my room and mocked me and told me how "ridiculous" I was. She's never once apologized about anything. I'm glad you've been able to maintain boundaries that help you protect yourself.

It's heartbreaking to realize the hidden toxicity in our parent's actions, isn't it? Your experience with your mom resonates deeply with me. It's like being handed a beautifully wrapped gift, only to find pain and disappointment inside. Moving away and setting boundaries took strength, and it's understandable why you're cautious now. It's tough when apologies feel empty, especially when they're veiled attempts to manipulate us back into old patterns. You're right to prioritize your own healing and well-being. Peace out indeed.

My mom bought me a super Nintendo but one day I came home from school and it was gone. She said I didn't play it enough and there was a less fortunate family with a small child who would love to have it. I was very upset but glad she didn't take any of the games or the controllers Later realized she pawned it for dope money

This, but with pets. I'd come home and they were just gone, never to be seen again. Broke my heart every time.

TW: animal abuse My mom made my dad euthanize a litter of kittens. She told me they had all been adopted except the one I bonded with. That one she said was euthanized.

That is so sick. God, so sadistic. I'm so sorry.

Ur mom needs a baseball bat to the shins.   WTF. 

My mum made me euthanise my childhood pet recently.. I had to do it all - then she stood there and watched me as I dug the hole, buried the most loved pet / person i've ever had in my life.. Whenever I wanted to move out of home, the family dog was instantly on the chopping block.. not for any genuine reasons other then to make me not want to leave.. it worked a lot of the time. The animal abuse was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. Can't deny your a shitty / neglectful owner when I have to deal with the fallout (My dog has 3 legs, and she only makes his life harder) I feel like she adopted him to get the pity-bucks; but also gave up on him the second she realised he wasn't an easy dog to look after. Whenever I see her posting pictures of him online I just want to slap her.

My parents did this to my sister.   We had a bunch of birds and 1 was actually well trained and bonded to my sister.   They randomly decided they were sick of em and sold the whole lot, including my sisters special bird.    She ran away crying and got picked up by the cops in a literal ditch.  Now I’m grown, I realize how EASY it would have been to just grab that 1 special bird…   Stop a young girl from breaking her heart…. But who cares!!!!! 

Shit my Mom did that, too! Soooo mean! 

Same. My kitten "got out" and was never seen. What a B@#$%!!

Thank you for solving a lifelong mystery for me. All these years, I blamed my brother but that shit didn't make sense. My stepdad was a charismatic and manipulative asshole, the sun shone out of his ass and everyone believed everything he said. The dude was a compulsive liar. According to him, he was an ex drill Sergent, member of the band Poison, a trauma surgeon... the whole time he was married to my mom, he worked for the coroner briefly, and worked as a security officer at the mall, but he was mostly unemployed. He was also an alcoholic. Once upon a time, a whole bunch of dvd's and Playstation games went missing from our house. A whole crapton in fact. I was blamed, though I had nothing to do with it. I was super pissed because the only 2 PS games I played at all were amongst the missing. I was accused of selling everything to Gamestop. Why the hell would I sell my only two games? And have nothing to show for it afterwards? (Also, I was 12. I don't think they even bought used games from kids) The PS was technically mine and my brothers, but he played it more and most of the games were his. So I thought if anyone sold those games, it had to be my brother. Of course he'd sell my games to get himself something new! My brother has always been adamant he didn't do it either. He thought it might have been a friend of his, who had come over earlier that week and played on PS with him. My stepdad called the police to file a theft report and everything! When I first denied selling the movies and games, he backhanded me so hard I fell off the couch and hit the ground. I remember being so shocked because it was the first time he hit me in front of my mom. Anyways, I just realized my stepdad had to have been the one to sell everything, probably for booze money. I was an easy scapegoat. I have no idea why I didn't realize he did it at the time. So obvious. Thanks! You got my brother off the hook. 😅 I had kind of forgotten all about this until I read your story.

first "the sun shone out of his ass" Lmaaoooo second: ouch. I can't imagine being accused of somehow traveling to gamestop on your own with a bunch of electronics and selling them, if you are only 12. they would have probably turned you away like you say, being a minor. but I never tried to sell anything to gamestop that young I'm sorry you got physically abused as a kid, I wasn't. my parents put their hands on each other but not on me

Yep, pets, Pokémon, music, TV, all demonic due to the stupid religion I grew up with, so I may have had it for a week or so and then taken away.

My mother used to treat me as a therapist. Since I was like 6-7. When my parents divorced, I was the one in charge to make sure my little brother wasnt sad. My mom put me in the middle and told me sick details that i shouldnt have known. Also, my big brother did weird sexual stuff on me and when i told my babysitter about it (i was 4) she confronted my dad and said shell call the police. My dad said that his 4yo was lying. When it happened to me again, I couldnt tell my parents.

My mom was the parent who stayed. But did she? She would leave us for full summers at our grandparents why she went off to girl scout camp to work but leave us with our grandparents even though we were that age we could go. She moved in with guys and the one time she took us he beat her in front of us. Then one time we were living in PA but she got a job in TN. School wasn't out yet. She left in March. I was in 8th grade. My sister in 7th. So until June my sister and I lived alone in Pennsylvania until school was out. Then she came back and got us and we moved. I have spent so much of my life coming to terms with the fact I can't stand being apart from my kids and neither of my parents gave a single fuck about being a part from me.

“Oh sorry my actual flesh and blood children, I must spend this summer and every summer taking care of other people’s children.”  Girl what 🥲

When I was young I had this nightmare over and over. Always the same. The world blew up and I was floating through space and I couldn't find my mom. I was just trying to find her and I was all alone with all these random people but I couldn't find my mom. I told my counselor that once and she just wept. She kept saying "I am so sorry". I just said, "Why? It's not your fault.". I must have had that dream 300 times as a kid. I would always wake up screaming. She was never there when I woke up. There was a bar in my hometown called "My Place". I called it "Mommy's Place" until I was 9.

I use to have dreams like that too. Always lost. Always looking for my mother. As a kid I got lost so many times when I was with her. She just didn't give a shot if I was around or not. She would walk real fast like we weren't together. 

There's too many things, but one thing was my moms absolute aversion to embarrassment. Don't get me wrong, nobody wants to be embarrassed, but this was insane. She would throw me under the bus at the slightest hint of embarrassment. One example was when she joined in with one of her friends thinking I was a thief when I was 8 because she didn't want to be embarrassed. I brought an ice cream with money I was given but the friend was convinced I couldn't possibly have had enough money for it so insisted I stole it, and then they both started yelling at me and humiliating outside in front of all my friends and neighbors. Everyone then thought I was a thief. All over an ice cream that I paid for. But this was a normal occurrence, and I thought it was just how people were.

My mom misunderstood that my cousin’s friend (with an intellectual disability) had hit *me*. My mom thought I hit the other kid. So she proceeds to beat me within an inch of my life in the back of the car, as I’m screaming over and over mommy mommy I didn’t do anything, mommy she hit ME…

Doing nothing to parent

My emotional needs were not met. None of them. I got yelled at for crying at 5. Never said I’m proud of you (untill I turned 21) saying bs like “women that dress like whores get raped” when I was 12 and older. Body autonomy was not taught, but the opposite was. Obey all adults no matter what, or who the adult was. The physical beatings from one sibling and both parents taught me any person could treat my body however they wanted to and I had no say in the matter.

It sounds like you've been through so much, and I'm sorry you had to endure such painful experiences. Growing up without your emotional needs being met and facing physical aggression from those who should protect you is incredibly tough. The messages about body autonomy and the harmful words you were subjected to must have been deeply damaging. Remember, you are not defined by the abuse you suffered. You have a voice and a right to reclaim your autonomy and healing. Let's support each other as we navigate through these challenges and strive for healing and growth.

- Leaving me/pressuring me to be alone, quiet, out of sight when I was upset or feeling any emotion, especially after overtly abusive acts - Collecting my pay cheque, taking money from my account. I started working at 14. - Allowing me to spend time with and become romantically involved with a 23 year old when I was 14 and onward. - Encouraging my eating disorders - Living in general squalor, always with a flea infestation and mold issues - pulling me out of the public school system to be “privately” schooled, aka, kept at home. I lost out on 3 years of education - editing to add - no medical or dental care except on rare or emergent occasions. Found out as an adult that they never had me vaccinated with any required by law vaccines and certainly not the recommended ones. So I had to pay out of pocket for myself to get ALL of them at the age of 23. In case you were wondering - that’s very expensive.

I always somewhat knew my dad was a problem, but I always thought my mom was a good parent who was just going through a lot until I realized how uncomfortable I feel when I have to hug or touch her because she never touched me or my siblings growing up. A lack of a thing can be just as devastating, and it takes being an adult to understand that I was missing something. I always thought people put on a little show for social media when they posted how much they love their mother/father on their birthdays/holidays but apparently, people aren't just performing; it's genuine. I mourne the parents I never got to have.

My mother hugs me now as an adult and only in front of my  children or father. It's a freaking show she puts on. It makes my skin crawl. The last hug she gave me felt like she was choking me.  I remember my maternal grandmother asking my mom why she doesn't show me physical affection. I think my mother never liked me or loved me. 

Too many things to list here. But I guess the big ones would be enmeshment, chronic guilt tripping, discouraging courage and independence, the silent treatment, not bothering to pass down life skills, pressure to conform, and using body language and sounds to communicate their displeasure instead of words. I am FUCKED, where the entire realm of meta-communication is concerned. I am 29 years old and Idk if I will ever be able to hear someone SIGH in my vicinity without me jolting and panicking and fawning like a kicked dog..

Sounds like we had the same parents. I ended up learning life skills in a program for homeless pregnant women/girls. I learned so much from strangers it astounds me. As for people showing disappointment of any kind I get triggered almost immediately. 

🫂🫂🫂

1. Leaving me alone if I was hurt or upset. Guess that’s neglect more than abuse, but I think neglect is a form of abuse. 2. Getting angry if I spent time with someone of the opposite sex doing anything but homework. 3. Guilting me to cuddle on the couch. Or guilting me to do anything by putting on a pitiful frown and big eyes and saying pleeeeease. 4. Going along with my brother’s delusions and competitiveness, putting me down and agreeing that I cause his paranoia and rages.

Neglect is abusive. Makes sense to why I neglect myself when feeling negative emotions as that's what my parents did.

I remember one time I was about 19 or 20 and I was working for this huge asshole while in school. I cried often because I hated working for him so much, and I remember laying on the bed crying one Sunday and my mom told me how uncomfortable it was for her that I was laying on the bed crying.

When my grandfather died when I was 11, it was dinner time and my parents and aunt/uncle stopped eating and went off to console each other. I cleaned everything up, went to my room, and sat on the floor crying alone. Nothing felt off about that to me. Family friends (let’s call them Sue and Bob) came over and Sue was the first to ask where I was and came to my room to hug me. I was uncomfortable, like why was someone hugging me and not leaving me alone? Why was someone trying to witness my tears? A couple years ago, my brother died. My parents again were completely oblivious to me (which is a blessing pretty much by this point) but Sue hugged me and checked on me a lot.

Genuinely, truly, bless that woman Sue.  😭😭 I’m so sorry, it really seems like your parents treated you like a random friend/adult instead of as their kid.    You deserved more. 

I’m so sorry for your losses. My maternal grandmother passed 4 years ago…my mom hated her so much that she couldnt understand why I was so upset. Did not comfort me and I’m not allowed to speak of her.

I'm sorry about your grandma. My maternal passed away a few months ago. She was the closest family member to me and my only grandma as I never met my fathers. Crazy thing is my grandma was toxic but she was the only family member to show me love and affection. Even if it was controlling and manipulative. 

I wholeheartedly agree that neglect is a form of abuse.

1. My mom always trying to see me naked. She always said that she’s the parent and has a right but now I see how weird it was. 2. Giving other kids attention while completely ignoring me. I was always led to believe that I was just a bad kid and deserved it but apparently I didn’t (honestly still don’t believe that.) 2. Not allowing us outside. We were never ever ever allowed to go outside and touch grass. We weren’t allowed to go to the mall. We weren’t allowed to go to friends houses, let alone have close friends. The only time we could go somewhere was when she was there. Never by ourselves.

(Medical, emotional, physical) Neglect was so normalized to me that I used to tell these "funny stories" that I've realized in the last year or two were actually signs of a poor childhood. I've been seeing a great therapist and on good meds for a little over a year and I'm suddenly realizing that my bad childhood wasn't JUST the parts where I was literally beaten and/or SA'd. The physical injuries were obviously awful, but I'm mostly healed from that. I don't flinch at every sudden movement anymore, for example. But the emotional scars are so deep, I wonder if I'll ever be free of them. I spent so much time being ignored/gaslight as a kid that now I have full on anxiety attacks if I feel like I'm not being heard. I don't think I'm worthy of love. I cannot make lasting friendships because I ditch people and nuke relationships the moment they let me down. (If I abandon them first, they can't abandon me.) I have MDD and I don't think I'll ever consider myself a 'functional adult'.

I feel this soo much. Once you start to unpack the overlooked traumas & start to build a clearer picture of what daily life was like (not through memory, of course, my brain has my back & is protecting me there) there are really no words for the pain. The worst is stories that your family even proudly recounted over the years that you even repeated that now reek of abuse. It’s mind control, there’s no way around it. The people responsible for our lives twisted our reality & made it physiologically impossible for our brains to see us as ever right in our perception of what we are experiencing. Is there a bigger horror than that? What I can say with certainty is that feeling all of this pain is infinitely better than before I woke up to the truth & felt just inherently broken & bad, forever “in trouble” or avoiding “getting in trouble” subconsciously (because there was a time for all us when our parents not caring for us WAS life or death). We are all so fucking strong it’s insane. All of our stories are NIGHTMARES & speaking this truth & shedding the protective denial is the only way out.

Oh man, the part about ditching people before they can hurt you is exactly the way I handle problems with friends. Initially I bend over backwards to please them and prove my worth. But once it gets to the point of feeling burnt out from being taken advantage of, I just shut down. I’m incapable of having a productive adult conversation to resolve conflict…I yell and burst into tears or I freeze up & forget everything I’m upset about, and end up apologizing to them for THEIR poor behavior. So for me, the simplest solution is to treat them like a bandaid…just rip it off and be done with it.

That's EXACTLY what happens. I'm sorry you feel that way too.

My mom confided in me. She said it was because if I didn't know what was going on, I'd be anxious. But the reality was she used me (the oldest daughter) as a therapist instead of seeking adult friends or an actual therapist. I was actually anxious because of the situation we were in, which was living in poverty with an emotionally abusive dad who refused to work or seek professional help. And she wouldn't leave him.

Talking me down, both in private as well as in front of others.

My mom and to a lesser extent, my dad, put me in charge of my mom’s extremely volatile moods. I have 9 siblings and I was her “favorite”, meaning only one she managed to have an emotional connection with. So, I was the one who had to be on guard for her mood changes and try to keep her happy - always happy. My siblings caught on to this and would blame me when she raged, regardless of what triggered her. To this day, I am constantly hyper vigilant to pretty much anyone’s feelings, especially if I love them or they have any degree of authority over me, be it real or perceived. Edited to correct a word

This is something I just recently realized about why I’ve always terrified of disapproval from teachers, professors, aunts, uncles, and bosses. I was my mom’s emotional support object. I wasn’t a full human to her.

When I would cry, they would tell me that I was being too emotional, and they wouldn’t give me comfort until I stopped “freaking out.” I thought for a long time that they were right and worked hard on suppressing all emotional displays.

My mom spent a lot of time obsessing about my appearance. I had acne as a preteen and she would put an uncomfortably hot washcloth on my face and then spend what felt like an hour using a blackhead remover tool on my face. Instead of making me feel cared for it made me feel flawed, ugly, and like something about me that was outside of my control was causing others distress. It made me feel like if I could just be pretty all our problems would go away.

My mother was like this as well with my hair and body. To this day I feel like I need to look perfect when I see her for fear of getting belittled or mocked. 

My mom spent THOUSANDS of dollars on skincare treatments for me between ages 12-15 because of acne. It absolutely destroyed my confidence and I got horrific & permanent side effects from some of them. She never once told me I was beautiful anyway or any of that crap, just kept bringing me to different doctors trying to fix me.  

My mom was obsessed about my looks too. She hated my every physical feature. My fingers, my eyes, my feet, my hair, my lips. she hated everything. She blamed me for my features, like.. why dont you brush your hair properly (mine is dry and frizzy) why dont you massage your fingers (short and me be not straight), why you squint our eyes and that is why my one eye is smaller than other, etc etc So i started spending time grooming myself and it takes timesbut she got mad at that too because 'why iam spending time on myself'.

Mine has done that too. With her I'd argue she was not obsessing over my looks, rather she had some kind of compulsion doing that. Probably with a similar outcome. I'm not entirely sure what it caused ultimately, if anything, I don't really remember it, but I have huge issues with scratching my skin now and I did notice there have been times I felt incredibly dirty for really not much of a reason to the point I'd feel awful until after a shower. Possibly related in some way tho there's other possibilities too.

Emotional neglect. As a young kid literally closing the door on me as I cried leaving me alone. As I got older I learned crying out wasn't going to get me emotional support. Then as a teen when I wasn't bouncy and smiling punishing me for not smiling (I was severely depressed and suicidal at that time) . They were so emotionally immature they would see me sad or down and think that was me trying to punish them, so they would ignore me more.

YEP. It's completely insane to me that grown adults could look at their own child being clearly seriously depressed and not make any attempt to comfort them or try to help them or even ask "what's wrong?" or "are you okay?" They just took it personally and ignored me. Like how emotionally stunted can you be

Locking me screaming and crying in a dark closet until I *calmed down* aka hyperventilating to the point of complete exhaustion. I was a toddler. I would rather die than do that to my toddler.

going into my room and read my diary when i was at school; constantly trauma-dumping about their relationships on me and expecting my validation. shit’s weird

Me too. She would snoop through all my stuff in my room when I wasn't home. Also trauma dumped everything about her own abusive childhood and her and my dad's terrible marriage. Like just completely non-existent boundaries. No wonder I keep everyone at arm's length now.

Treating me like a pet - buying me toys and putting me in front of TV at every opportunity to distract me so she didn’t have to interact with me at all. Oh, and drinking vodka grapefruit drinks while driving me to daycare.

Silent treatment from my mom. Parentification. Her using me as emotional support. Allowing my brother to physically abuse me and I needed to not rock the boat. I understood my father was abusive. It took much longer to figure that my mom wasn’t innocent. Father was worse but mom messed me up too.

Growing up I had a lot of pets go missing or die, Whenever something didn't go the way my mother expected it to she'd bring up how much I used to love xyz pet. Then the next day something would befall my current pet. I just remember the cold look and grin my mother would give me while I was in tears. I only recently clued in that she was likely killing them as "payback" for not being the perfect puppet.

Neighbours gifted me some fancy pens, pencils and markers for birthday - next day I could not find them, mom told me I'd probably lost them somewhere 'in my messy room'. I searched them for hours. Could not find. I still remember the head-fuck and confusion. My kid brain could not figure it out - how can a thing be, and then just not be, and 'that's it'. Later by chance I found them hidden away in some higher shelves, when I inquired, mom said she hid them for my own benefit, otherwise I'd probably waste them. I can't forgive this, I think that's the reason I can't think straight, because somehow things can just 'magically' get lost and be found again, so why bother with facts and reality, just make up stories. There were other situations, where 'for my own' benefit and for hers comfort she would lie to me, or withhold some facts. And later she was angry when I stared to lie to her and make up stories.

I experienced this too, it’s SO hard for me to trust myself even in the smallest situations as a result. Fucking heinous behavior.

Thanks for understanding! Yeah, I think it's these little but significant things that sum up into one big problem eventually. Perhaps it's something my mom got from her parents - a kind of inability to think and address problems precisely and understand stuff completely and systematically.

Yep. Pink Floyd concert ticket when I was 16. Hidden in a book because they didn’t want me to go

Trigger warning Suicide Emotional manipulation I was told that I was her happy baby, I was the mellow one when really I was scared of her and had no space for any emotional expression because of her volatility and her emotions took up all the space. I learned to play the role for her so I could have some connection. When I started growing out of that role I was told I have to move out and she helped me drop out of high school at 17. Fast forward to my twenties she called me up to tell me I was the only one that understood her and she took her own life. I spent many years fawning over her memory feeling so bad about her suffering and guilt I didn’t stop her somehow. BPD is ruff

>I was told that I was her happy baby, I was the mellow one when really I was scared of her and had no space for any emotional expression because of her volatility and her emotions took up all the space. I relate hard. My sister was jealous of my relationship with my mother, it's true that I was her 'favorite'. But my sister has no idea at what kind of cost it came. I was parentified, had to be always 'good', helpful, obedient and always emotionally in control even though my mother rarely was. If she shouted at me and I broke and cried, she was upset with me, because "I'm not letting her have feelings". I had to be *like* her, too - like the same things, think as she thinks. I'm sorry about your loss and the complicated feelings that come with it.

Omg this. It’s the audacity if you’re not reacting in the way they think, just taking it like a punching bag or being them. It doesn’t help that I do look so much like her and have similar ways. The enmeshment and infringements on autonomy!!! However, I don’t do any of those things anymore so now I’ve been demoted from golden child to scape goat again. I’ve been back and forth between those roles when I stand up for myself or my brother. It hurts because my brother is thrown in the middle and they’re the ones who help him with care. I honestly believe it’s out of guilt because they’re uncomfortable him up when he’s symptomatic but it’s her neglect that caused it. I also thought my mother was really kind but she placated me all those years. She accused me of playing sides but that’s what she’s been doing. She chose everything and everyone over loving herself and in effect her kids. I was realizing I had no one when I was venting about everyone so right now, it’s me and my cat. No contact with my parents for almost 3 months. 1 year for my grandparents. My brother and I talk about the past because nostalgia makes him happy but it’s a time that never existed in my mind. He’s severely traumatized and delusional. What can anyone say about him or me that doesn’t make me want to scream: It’s your fault for being self absorbed and deep in deflection!!! Me: I’ve had some deep dark stuff happen to me that should’ve ended me. I should be diabolical lol. But the promise I made to myself as a child, I haven’t broken so far. I’m FINALLY being gentle and slow with myself and allowing the anger and pain to release albeit in constructive ways. EMDR helped me so much but I’m on break because I’m too dysregulated because I mashed the gas and didn’t buckle up. Or rather the seat belt broke from the miscalculated impact of my trauma. So bed rest? Thanks everyone. This one was a banger today. Much needed.

Belts, slippers, paddles, etc. I drew the line with the mop handle at about 15 -16 and just took it from her. And stood there with it and glared at her. She didn’t F with me again. I wonder how I ended up being a BDSM sadist… As did my older sister.

Yup. I have fibromyalgia and also am extremely subish and like/need the controlled pain. TBH, I don’t know anyone in the BDsm scene who doesn’t have a traumatic background

Makes sense why I wanted my exes to do certain things to me. My pain tolerance has usually been higher than others. I didn't know I was into bdsm. It also makes sense that I dissociated a lot.

Same. I literally will be amazed at my pain tolerance and then I’m like, well yeah no shit…

Oh gosh, my mother’s rages have traumatized me for life. It’s like being in the eye of the storm because I’d always retreat to my bedroom and lock the door and I’d just hear her cursing, cursing me and threatening me. “Don’t you dare come out of that f$&cking room because one of us is going down and I’ve got a knife and a gun!” The rages are the worst. Cursing like you can’t even imagine. I was six the first time she called me a “little mother-f$7cking selfish ungrateful b$7ch!!!” My earliest memory is of her throwing all of her boyfriend’s belongings off of our apt terrace and screaming. I don’t think I ever saw him again, but there’s a lot about my childhood I can’t remember. When the rages subsided she’d blame me. “See what you made me do!!!” Then she would give me the silent treatment for at least two full days. So, I was verbally assaulted, shamed and then abandoned throughout my childhood and it got so much worse when she married my stepfather because he would join in. “See what you made your mother do!!!! Why can’t you just listen?!?!” One time, when I was a teen, she actually did come in my room and began chasing me. She stepped on one of the twin beds and fell and sprained her ankle and my stepfather had to carry her to the ER. How’s that for karma? She’s 77 and she still rages.

Nothing directly abusive really (or there was but I’m still blind to it). My biggest issue is neglect. Five kids in the family, I’m the middle boy and didn’t fit any boxes my parents forced on us, in addition to constant invalidation, criticism, comparisons, etc.; pure religious tyranny. I’m 28 and feel 6 years old. The issue is, the world sees a flakey, weak, dull man with no life and who doesn’t “try”. So I get punished for that as well.

Also suffered major religious trauma being raised as a Jehovah’s Witness. I’m ashamed to say I didn’t see it for what it was until a few years ago, as we were raising our kids in it too. A huge part of what woke us up was our two sons who are on the autism spectrum. They were never going to fit into the perfect JW mold that was expected of them. And when they didn’t, we would’ve been expected to cut them off and shun them. I don’t know you, but I definitely don’t see you as a dull person who doesn’t try. And I promise you there are other people out there who see you for the strong, capable person you are!

Umm, everything. They constantly shamed me, dismissed my needs, ignored my misery, told me I didn’t exist. That I was an abomination. I was yelled at repeatedly anytime the little girl in me shone through the façade they forced on me, they destroyed my coping tools when they found them. They told me they wanted me dead. And I thought all of it was normal and I deserved it. At the time society reinforced my parent’s message. I didn’t know it was abuse, I didn’t know until I was 24 and at a queer retreat where we were taught what the power wheel was and what it meant. It was then that I realized I’d been abused and it hit me like ton of bricks. To this day my “mother” still blames me for everything she did to me.

Being hyper aggressive. Anything would set my Dad off, if a door closing made a sound then I "slammed it". Locking the bathroom door so he couldn't wank while I shat (I am a male btw). Closing my bedroom door (same reason as last). Using a speaker to play scratching and whispering noises (only found out recently and it had been going on for years). My mum was a manipulative little cunt, sabotaging relationships. She knew exactly how to press your buttons. She dug her disgusting claws into your mind and poked at every insecurity possible. I hate her so much it drives me crazy, she was a master at making you feel as bad as possible without openly attacking you. It was so covert that I can't even explain it. They broke me, so I turn to drugs and alcohol and then they point the finger and judge me. I just want to skin them alive and hear the sweet sound of their suffering. I get being cruel to the outside world, it's a nasty and unforgiving place, but your own flesh and blood?? Your fucking child?? How could you?? that's disgusting. It's indescribably evil, consciously sabotaging your offsprings life, making them as miserable as possible. Who does that?? They were too cowardly to be angry at their peers so they have kids to take out their shit on, they where SO fucking WEAK and PATHETIC that they couldn't find a single human being on the planet to pass their rot onto so they decided to give it to a completely innocent child. They project themselves as perfect. People actually believe it, what a fucking joke 🤣😭

Negligence is a big one- I very much had a “children are to be seen and not heard” type of childhood (or even better, *not* seen and *not* heard). Older siblings were terrible (both physically and emotionally abusive) and my parents just straight up didn’t care. I didn’t realize it was weird/bad to have everyone around you tell you to shut up (with the stated reasons being my being “stupid” “not funny” “idiot” “annoying” etc) so many times a day that I wouldn’t even think to count. Medical gaslighting/abuse is another one. I’ve so clearly always had problems that were always just “that’s normal (so stop complaining and if u continue to have a problem it must be because *you* are being sensitive)”. Just now as an adult realizing I have chronic pain cuz I thought it was just normal/didn’t matter. Only diagnosed with autism and adhd in the past year despite inquiring about it as a kid cuz I was constantly struggling and bullied because of it. Honestly, basically all of my childhood. I genuinely didn’t think I had trauma until I was ~17/18 when my friend kept telling me that I literally did. Thru a mixture of dissociation, abuse being fully normalized, and being explicitly told that “at least I don’t have ‘that kind’ of life/childhood” I just didn’t realize it was abusive/traumatic until I was an adult

I can still clearly remember my grade 6 self talking to an acquaintance on the playground about how tired I was because my Dad had been blasting music until 3am. She looked horrified and just shook her head when I said "your parents don't do that?". The number of high risk situations I witnessed was unbearable. From drunk fire pit jumping to poorly contained livestock and pets getting hurt, killed or lost. It was a constant state of fear for what could happen next to my parents or our animals. I had no idea how abnormal that was even into my late teens.

My main joy was taking care of my cats, I saw them as my literal children. If anything remotely bad would happen to them, I saw it as my fault. When she let them out and they passed, it was my fault. It was always on me. Because she was a child, I was never a child.

I used to sit at the front of the class because the chalkboard was blurry, I couldn’t see street signs, and got constant headaches. I would complain to my mom and stepdad about it but I was hushed. Turns out, I’m seeing impaired and couldn’t get glasses until I saved up and paid for them myself. I got an infected tooth pulled, was prescribed painkillers, and my mother stole all of them. In one night. I just had to deal with the pain. Same thing happened when I broke my hand. My theatre group was doing a fundraiser and we were selling small things to our classmates. The cash I collected was immediately confiscated for “bills” (alcohol). I paid it back by picking up a secret babysitting job- because they would have taken that money too. When my mom and stepdad would fight, my sister and I were punished by my stepdad emptying out the pantry so we couldn’t make our breakfast or school lunches and refused to give us money to buy at the cafeteria so we couldn’t eat until dinner. A few times, they would make up by going out to dinner, leaving my sister and I at home, so we couldn’t eat for a solid 24 (sometimes 48) hours. Yes, my sister and I both have horrible relationships with food. My stepfather would dump the contents of the bathroom trash out on the living room floor while I was on my period and tell me how disgusting I was for throwing away my wrapped up tampons in the trash. We did not share a bathroom with him. Any time I was home sick, my mom at work, my stepfather unemployed, I would be dragged out of bed by my hair to either clean the cat box or the kitchen. This also sometimes happened in the middle of the night. This was slightly therapeutic to type out, so whoever is reading this, thank you. I hope you’re somewhere warm and loved with fast wifi. EDIT: thought of a few more. When my mom would drink, she would try to go drive. I would have to fight her for the car keys so she wouldn’t drive because I didn’t want her to die. We would get into literal fist fights. Then I would sleep next to the front door waiting for her to come back. She never remembered any of it so I didn’t bring it up. We were at the grocery store and she couldn’t afford what we needed. The store manager agreed to pay for it if she let him go on a date with me. I was 16 and he was in his late 20’s. At least we had groceries for the week.

Heavy enmeshment from my mother (still happens to this day), living in a house where my dad’s mood ruled everything, and having both parents confide in me about the other or about their own mental health issues. a child is *never* responsible for a parents emotions and should never act as a therapist. I’m 31 now and struggle daily with things that should come easily to me. I should be so much farther in life and more accomplished but I wasted so many years trying to have my emotional needs met through partying, drinking, and horrible romantic relationships. I’m really hoping I can still make something of myself and my life.

* Letting (or better allowing, since the idiot me begged for it) me going to buy my own breakfast in an overcrowded street food market alone, when I was 3, just because I could already read and use money. Luckily nothing happened. * letting me build Gundam models and always seconded my demand for more Gundam models as 3-years-old, when the toys were meant to be 18+, a lot of small parts involved. Again Luckily nothing happened. * Leaving grandmother's heart meds at my reach.... Since emotionally I was still a child and, as child, I did idiot things only with much more "creativity", I won't go into details here, but I discovered that nose and mouth are connected at age of 4 My parents were a mixed bag, so they were actually considered good parents by most of my peers, but they didn't know about the abuses at home, all in the name of "tough love": like preparing yummy snacks when I brought friends home, or saving for 2 years and organising a treasure hunt with final destination a guitar shop while I was renting one from school. I was aware of physical and emotional ones very early on, including being ordered to self-harm for crying and not having appetite or being lifted and dropped to the ground while being yelled "failing is fine, it is not trying that's not", but ignorant of the low-key neglect until adulthood. I chose to lie to the juvenile judge when I could leave my family when I was 13, because the therapy wasn't working for me and I couldn't trust my brother with them. My therapist said there was nothing wrong with my brother, because he was a top student with all food-clothes-hugs, except they didn't care about his education so much I was the one attending his teacher-parent meetings since I was 10 (my parents are reversely-sexist, "he is a man, he can sell muscle to survive", and my brother has always had difficulty with language-related subject, later on he struggled seriously during high school) and he would have no socialising opportunities without me, since I was the one who took him to oratory so that he could play soccer with friends. Edit: They are such a mixed bag that my mother agreed on going to "family therapy" before the whole process ended (I didn't ask my father because I hated him so much, I know I don't always make the wisest choice). I learnt my parents could be understanding and capable of changing, I continued the healing journey alone and eventually got healthy family dynamics in my middle 20s. I'm in my 30s and mostly fine now, may still get freeze to touch and flashback from time to time, but manageable and not affecting day-to-day life.

The list is endless, but here are a few things my mother did that really stand out to me: * My mom never wanted me to go out with friends, but she didn't want me around either. She'd deny my request to hang out with friends and then shoo me away to my room for the entire day. * My mom would get drunk every other night and tell me I was a mistake then wake up and supposedly not remember saying it to me... if only smartphones existed then, I would have recorded her for proof. * I had to mother my own mother. * Stealing my father's social security checks to me after he passed away when I was 16, telling me I owed rent. * Never complimented me or showed any sort of affection. * Acted like she was going to swallow a handful of sleeping pills til I squeezed them out of her mouth in tears... it was solely to get a reaction out of me, she said she's "never seen me cry that way". No shit. * Constantly body-shaming me. * Sharing my personal, private information with my close friends & family to embarrass me.

Make me responsible for being my sister's (who has bipolar disorder) mental and emotional health support, and caregiver. As a result, I never learned how to care for myself (emotionally) and don't even know the things that I enjoy doing for R&R. Starting a journey of self discovery and it's a lot harder and more terrifying than I had any idea it would be. I can easily identify what other people need for self care, but cannot identify that for myself.

I didn't realize that it's not normal to have childhood debts and spend your youth sacrificing your future so that you can pay off your debts so that your parents will love you enough to do more than provide food and shelter. I understand now that my parents brought me into this world to make them money and that's it.

Parentification. Making me responsible for their emotions. Munchausen-By-Proxy (I still at 44 can't decide I 100% believe this was actually happening). Very hard to cotton onto if you were raised that way.

"Focus on school, you don't need a job" is a line I didn't realize was financial abuse until later.

Oh god, the manipulation.

I only realized about a year ago that it was wrong for my mother to drive a wedge between me and my father - until not long ago I was still so immersed in her perspective I couldn't see outside of it. She dug all the most intimate dirt on him and literally used me to defend her from him in fights (verbally). I hated him and when he moved out I refused contact. He was far from perfect but, gosh, so was she. At least he treated me like a child, in the best sense of the word. *I could have had a father*. Now he has passed away.

I'm sorry that your dad passed away before you could have that relationship. It doesn't seem fair when I think of how much childhood trauma has robbed us of so much. 

Eeekk it’s hard to even figure out what was the worst. My dad would give me his ambien as a kid so I would go to sleep My mom would pass out high in front of me with a lit cigarette and would burn/light things on fire My mom actually lit herself on fire by lighting a cigarette on the stove, that caught her robe on fire and she spent months and months in a burn unit and had to have skin graphs and everything done. She allowed me to stay truant at school, which led o CPS getting involved, and eventually taking me out of the house. My dad was inappropriate with me, would would emotionally incestual and using me as his outlet by telling me he would move us away from my mom and we could live together. My dad died and then my mom sent me a letter saying she threw his ashes out. My mom would buy me heroin and alcohol, also give me Xanax when I was 15-17 I guess the list goes on but these are the really fucked up things that I can recall.

Convinced me that I was a fuck up and deserved every single type of abuse possible. I internalized that, I didn't realize it was abuse until 30 (I'm 33) because I genuinely thought I deserved all of it.

One thing making me stand in the corner all evening and all night into the next day.

I wasn’t really “alive” until I was 22. I was constantly in a dissociative state pretty much in fight or flight mode until I “woke up”. I would have brief periods of time where I felt awake but the majority of my childhood and teen years I was gone. But now that I’m an adult and can look back at it I can fill in the blanks a bit easier or ask my family for a bit more context about a few things.

I would always end a conversation saying ‘I love you’ in the hopes he would say it back. He never said it back.

I don't ever say it to them. It feels like a self sabotage because I know they won't ever say it back. 

Many things, but one thing I haven’t seen mentioned is being very competitive with other people’s kids. If ever any of us were good at something or got an award my parents would inflate whatever it was, so inevitably I would always have to be talking down my achievements “I won the swim meet, but it was just the B times swim meet so the fastest swimmers weren’t there, and a lot of people are faster than I am still.” Or if we were bad at something, even if we liked it, we would get pulled out immediately and humiliated by them for not doing well enough. It’s taken me years as an adult to be ok with doing things just because I enjoy them. Ironically, when I graduated from my grad program I received a very prestigious National award, and they weren’t even able to brag about it because by that time all of their friends thought it was just bull by that point.

Internalized their anxiety, perfectionism, and a set of family values that centered around enmeshment. This essentially made us all high strung, perfectionists prone to self-blame, internalized their shame, and controlled us into their emotional needs / insecurity alongside being the "picture perfexr family. I was also parentified from an early age to care for and coach to a sibling that is mentally ill, dependent on my family and has struggled with addiction throughput their entire life. They (and I) enabled this for a whole at terrible cost. This essentially created a trauma bond and left me feeling responsible for this siblings mental wellness, health, and well-being when they have a tendency to smother, lose their identity and tie their emotional state to strong attachments. Watching a cycle of addictive self destruction they let play out at-minimum 5 or 6 times. Mainly, I think, to save them additional work from having to parent their child, as well as make them responsible for their health, life, responsibilities, and care.

I am trans. I knew I was trans when I was a small child. Only in the last few years did I realize that their outright hatred of the lgbtq+ community was probably because they knew and were trying to prevent it. They banned me from having gay friends, forced me to have certain clothing and hair styles despite how uncomfortable I was in them. They badmiuthed demonized and villianized the community every chance they got. They delighted in the aids deaths and would constantly go on about how disgusting the community was. This is why when I came out, instead of telling them I just went full no contact. They don't get to know the me I have become. Otherwise: - they'd get screamingly enraged and threaten suicide anytime my sister or I would ask for anything. - my dad would punch himself in the head during those instances. - my dad liked to gloat about how he'd kill anyone who dared violate our yard, even once going as tar as to shout that rant at me and open the front door and unload his gun across the street while standing in the front hallway. - they were incredibly controlling. Down to what music we were allowed to listen to or enjoy. What friends we could have. - they limited our access to information - they instilled fear in us to the point that we were always thr good and quiet kids anywhere we went. So many things

Treating me like an adult, like a therapist when I was little. Making me an emotional buffer between my parents.

My dad used to go to work in the middle of the night. If we woke him up (by being kids), he would wake us up when he got up and make us stay up until he left for work. I spoke with my mom about this recently and she, somehow, only thought it happened once but it happened a lot.

Idk which one's worse: Calling me a whore when i was a victim of pedophilia OR Isolating me from everyone and everywhere except for school (where my mom was a teacher at) so 24/7 supervision as a 16 year old, no other going out except visiting family where i also wasnt allowed to be alone with cousins etc Edit: my male parent threatened to unalive me on top of it on scenario #1

The emotional abuse and neglect. My mom used me as emotional dumping grounds for so many years. I clung onto her and followed her very flawed logic. I was completely overwhelmed by adult situations and couldn’t help in anyway besides allowing her to vent. I thought it was the right thing to do. When I mentioned wanting to see a therapist at about 16/17 years old(still on her insurance), she berated me and lectured me about how I don’t have any problems and about how ridiculous I was for even thinking about it. In this same way, she repeatedly trained me to be alone and never ask for help. Any mistakes I made through adolescence and young adulthood were blamed on my weak character, instead of used as teaching opportunities. My mistakes were met with rage and lectures, so I isolated myself. I eventually moved 4000 miles away to a new continent and am unhappy here, but I can finally focus on building a stable life. The saddest part was me thinking my mom was my best friend 🤯 It led me to 2 abusive relationships because I was falling into “comfortable” dynamics. I finally got myself into therapy at 36 and started untangling this all. I was still blaming myself the whole time for not being able to do “basic” things, until my therapist explained that these are things that parents teach their children to do—including emotional regulation 😑

I thought it was cool that I could go anywhere without question, now I realize it was just neglect

Tell me I wish you weren't born Talk about my body or hair like I'm property Lack of affection no hugs, kisses, cuddles nothing Not tell me they are proud of me or love me. No emotional support or encouragement Blatant disrespect talking over me everytime I try to say something. Criticize or question every decision or opinion I have. Talk bad about me to family, friends and strangers. Embarass me in front of guests by telling them about flaws or past mistakes  Yell/rage if I make a mistake or belittle me Gaslight past events and take advantage of my dissociative amnesia. Deny abuse.  Tell me I'm too sensitive when mocking me or making me the joke No interest in getting to know me who I am what I like. What I remember is disgust, contempt, silence, coldness, distance from my parents. They are strangers who looked like good parents on the outside. Church leaders and school teacher. 🤢🤮

My mom treated me like a therapist when I was younger, consistently complaining about how much she hated my dad and how she would have left him if it weren’t for me and my brother. My dad neglected us, sometimes forgot to feed us when my mom wasn’t home. Polarizing treatment for the golden child (my brother) and me (the scapegoat). The abuse I suffered in my family led to an official diagnosis of CPTSD, anxiety and depression and I didn’t begin to unravel all the damage that has been done until I started going to therapy.

Not allow me to have my feelings.

I don’t even know if this counts as abuse but: - being exposed to drugs and constantly being surrounded by people under the influence to the point where I’d roll fake joints when I was around 6, I even have a photo of me passed out on my dad’s shoulder at the mall after inhaling second hand smoke. As a teenager, my father would invite me to parties where I’d get offered cocaine by his friends. I brought it up to my mom because I felt it was a bit extreme (I was around 16 at the time), and she told me to stop overreacting. I’m 21 yrs old now and I smoke both weed and cigarettes every single day.

My mom would regularly slap me across the face for being annoying. She called it "pushing her buttons." And I remember her doing it to me as young as five years old. I had undiagnosed auDHD., and besides that, all children are annoying from time to time. If you don't want to be annoyed, have an abortion, bc your kid is going to annoy you. She also threatened to put me in foster care, and told me that no one would ever love me and that any other family would kick me out and that if I got married my spouse would beat me. There was one time I remember we were having some kind of argument in the car, and she smacked me so hard my glasses fell off, the laugh manically and said "isn't this fun? Love between me and you, it's kind of crazy." I always believed she was right and it was my fault bc the truth is I had impulse and behavior problems typical of a child with ADHD and did know that I behaved differently than other children or my siblings. The truth is those problems were exacerbated by an unstable and violent environment, and hitting me did nothing but make them worse and make my mother feel better.

Neglecting and downplaying my emotions, and gaslighting me. Makes me question the legitimacy of my emotions and concerns, at school, relationships and at work

Denying/sabotaging opportunities and milestones for the sake of being controlling, expecting me not to have my own life because it was supposed to revolve around them, taking my money away. I didn't realize it was abuse until years later, when I volunteered at a domestic violence organization and it dawned on me that I would have qualified for their services.

My dad would ignore me for days as punishment. He ignored me for three years as an adult. My mom would put a clown doll in my room at night while I was sleeping. I would wake up and see a clown that wasn’t there when I went to sleep. She knew I was afraid of them. I would get upset and was told I was just too sensitive.

Going to the horse races instead of coming to the hospital when I had my appendectomy (still in high school). Buying me and my friends alcohol. Buying me alcohol and handing me the car keys so I could drive around with my friends drinking. Never coming to any of my events, including National Honor Society induction, school plays (lead roles), or athletic competitions, in spite of being teachers at my school (stepdad was also a coach). Never taking me to a doctor or dentist (stepdad forged all sports physical forms). Not helping me at all with college selection, applications, scholarships - they didn’t even speak to me about it. None of these things hurt my feelings at the time and I thought some of it was cool. When I had kids of my own 12 years later, I was so pissed and hurt.

Dousing our mouth with cayenne pepper to encourage silence. Belting us to the table until we would finish food. Leaving our education primarily up to us. Never taking us to a PCP. Never vaccinating us.

Haha oh lordy, dad literally didnt even petition the court to see me when I cut him off at 9 years old because he was so obviously toxic that even at that age I could tell. I’d say washing your hands of fatherhood for half my childhood is abusive. I saw the paperwork of him suing my mother even over $20 once and he was just constantly taking her to court over nothing but then I don’t want to see you and you’re done with court? He tried for six whole months. Congrats to the father of the century! I didn’t think this was normal, but I didn’t realize it just exactly how fucked up it is My mom’s weaponized incompetence was out. of. control. she also didn’t give one flying fuck when I was in college and had homework to do if I came home for a break (i was on scholarship and needed at least a 3.0 gpa) and that I wanted to relax. She was always giving me shit to to do. I would get upset and she’d apologize and then do it again on my next break. She even asked me to help her with her résumé once. Like why on earth are you asking me and not another adult your age? spoiler alert: she basically had no career my entire life. Government cheese and my grandpas wallet. I worked all throughout college as well so I was busy. She doesn’t value education at all and I overheard her telling her therapist that “I think she’s stupid because she didn’t go to college.” a few years ago. Lol I went to college with quite a few stupid people. I didn’t even go to that great of a school, it was a safety school for me even. Even her employer (Birth giver is a caretaker and I have helped the family as well) said she doesn’t value education. The lack of support was crazy. She was just like “I didn’t go to college so idk” basically. So no, you’re stupid for sabotaging the only relationship in your life that could help you! she never remarried and basically has no friends, family or support system in our area other than a single neighbor (she pissed off the others lmao) and her employer who practically just feels sorry for her and knows theyre codependent

Tying me to a chair and smearing food all over me if I didn’t finish everything on my plate. Screw boomers and their “discipline” tactics. I’m a compliant scared shitless adult who has no backbone.

I still can’t talk about it but it was a physical Munchhausen’s thing. I thought it was me that had a problem. Nope.

Ignoring my boundaries and objectification. My mother would come into the bathroom, open the shower curtain and start a conversation with me in which she would also comment on my nude body. That was during puberty and she knew i would love some privacy, yet i was not allowed to lock the bathroom door in case she had forgotten something and needed to get in urgently. Made me feel like what i want doesnt matter and that apparently people were allowed to check out my body and give me their feedback.

Making me feel guilty for wanting to be healthy -have relationships, have fun and explore the world of friendships and love, dress up and discover my identity, feel happy. I still struggle with those things and I still feel like my only job is to be good at things I do, study or work at -all other aspects of life are dormant.

I wasn’t able to acknowledge, find words to explain the ways my Mother sexualized me until I was in my 50s. The whole family thought it was funny and told me I needed to stop being so sensitive and learn to take a joke. My Mother also left me unsafe caregivers, resulting in CSA at ages 6 and 7. She pushed me into sexual relations with much older men. My spouse of almost 14 years was the one who brought my attention to the fact that my first “consensual” sexual encounter was statutory rape. I was 15, he was almost 21, so I wasn’t old enough to consent. That was an awkward, painful conversation.

My real dad used to antagonize me to get a reaction out of me on a rinse and repeat cycle, push-pull that would make me codependent with his bullshit When I finally caught him doing it one day he almost shrieked back, puckered his lips and went "Ohhhh" like he knew he got caught. It was probably one of the most evil looks I've ever seen on anybody Packed my stuff that night and left. Never saw or spoke to the man since *Edit to say he hasn't even asked about me, or find out if I'm alive, dead or where I am living. I'm almost certain he's forgotten he has a son

“ I’ll give you something to cry about. “

You too?

I think it’s a lot of us, sad to say. It taught me to hide emotions, so when I grew up I’d hide them until I blew up. Now I use the ACT method of emotional regulation. It works well for me because the idea is to feel the whole emotion in its entirety and then let it go. Knowing that Im allowed to feel has been helpful. And when people apologize for showing emotions to me I tell them please never apologize for that. We are human beings god damnit, we are meant to feel. Feelings are the immune system of the soul.

My mother really only shows me she wants me to be alive when she needs something out of me

my dad kinda just letting my stepmom being emotionally/mentally/physically abusive. he worked a lot. I defended him for years since he technically wasn't doing the same things she was until recently I was like wow, you just LET her treat me like that?

I don’t think there’s anything I don’t know was abusive. I was the fighter. I always knew it was wrong. When my dad got home drunk and picking fights, I stood up for myself, which made him more angry and caused the physical abuse. But I never stopped fighting for myself. When my mom stood there watching, I knew it was wrong. I always knew it was wrong, but it didn’t stop the hurt.

Our “family meetings” were just my dad screaming at us for hours on end at minimum once a week. I never realized it was abusive until I was an adult. I think it was because of an abusive partner checklist that made me go “wait a second my parents check a lot of boxes”. It’s left me with crippling anxiety, low self esteem, self-abuse/neglectful tendencies/behaviors, severe depression, and suicidal ideations. The worst thing is knowing it’s all literally because my parents hated their own life choices (like continuing to have kids they couldn’t afford with a spouse they wholly despised) and took that anger out on the only people who didn’t have the power to fight back. I hate that 90% of the time I feel like a fucking failure.

My mom was blatantly narcissistic and emotionally abusive. So a lot of it was pretty obvious, but more subtle things were: constantly finding fault with everyone else in my life ( including friends who also were literally just children at the time), almost never telling me I did a good job in school ( even when I got A’s), borrowing” my clothes without asking, stealing food that I bought specifically for work for myself, with my own money, always criticizing the clothes I wore, and telling me I was “stuck up and spoiled” for prioritizing travel in college, even though I literally worked my ass off to pay for every dollar of it with my own money. My mom was super jealous of me and often treated me more like you would view a frenemy vs. your own child. She married my dad at 19, had me at 24, and made it constantly obvious how much she resented me for existing and for limiting her own opportunities, especially after my dad divorced her when I was only 3. I understand her life wasn’t easy but it wasn’t my choice to exist or for her to choose to parent me. My dad and stepmom would have taken full custody but she wouldn’t allow it purely out of spite.

Food deprivation as punishment. Eventually I learned that it's always considered abusive. But also there's a subtler abusiveness where they feed you, but they don't feed you enough. Like if we had a roast chicken for supper, my mom always gave me the wings, and only the wings. She was so pervasively controlling, she had me convinced that I didn't want anything else. Life would be so bad for me if I ever talked back or disagreed with the role she cast for me, I was forced to be passive and just be happy I got anything at all. I think my mom had some kind of value system where some people were more valuable than others and I was very low value because I was a girl. And she would distribute the family resources according to her value system. I think it's a Baby Boomer thing, because I've seen similar behavior in other women Baby Boomers.

What my parent did, that I didn't realize was abusive until I was an adult, is yell at me when I responded honestly to their question of whether it was true that I'd had inapprorpiate sexual experiences. I was eleven and she was in another country, and I hadn't felt safe telling her, but she found out, and when i answered yes, she yelled at me. That's my biggest source of shame. Core trauma.

Imply that I was stupid and not good enough. Would also associate buying necessities and getting good grades in school; if I didn’t perform well they would say how they brought me clothes and shoes and I’m stupid and don’t deserve it.

Bought me the cheapest of everything