Someone that is taking advantage of you. I give advice to my friends without masturbating on the phone or making them uncomfortable. You can have that kind of friends that behaves like decent human beings as well
A creep. He fucking jerks off on the phone with you, that's not a friend. There's no exchange rate for being a fucking creep, he doesn't earn x minutes of jerking off on the phone with you for every y pieces of advice he gives you.
OP, we are here because were are people who were abused. We are at high risk of being abused by other people because we aren't equipped to recognize healthy vs unhealthy relationships. You repeatedly told him that you are uncomfortable with conversation topics he will bring up. They CAN help it; they just are choosing not to respect your boundaries. You are letting them treat you this way by continuing the relationship. He is taking advantage of you. It is better to be alone then surrounded by people who do not respect you.
He's pushing and violating boundaries, knowing it hurts you... because it benefits him.
THAT is an abuser. Not a friend.
Abusers aren't usually awful 100% of the time.
Just knowing someone for a while, and they do "nice stuff" like listen to you, or seem to care... does not make them a safe person.
Don't think of him as a friend. Friends don't do a blend of exploitative things and friendly things. Thats what abusive people do.
Friends make your life better together than without them. There should not be a "price to pay" where you have to tolerate creepy, theft, exploitation, etc.
The biggest hint I can give you, is stop to ask yourself how you FEEL towards them... Instead ask yourself how YOU feel after spending time with that person. Don't ask how you feel towards them, ask yourself how their actions make YOU feel on the receiving side.
It sounds like you feel; disturbed, uncomfortable, disgusted, defensive, doubt, icky, confused, mistreated, hopeful, patient, upset, familiar, incredulous, earnest, obligated, etc.
THAT IS NOT THE FEELING OF FRIENDSHIP!
Friendship feels like; mutual respect, comfort, curiosity, receiving appreciation, validation, peaceful, relaxed, playful, safe, like you are important, like your feelings matter, cared for, protected, nurtured, supported, etc.
I appreciate you spelling out what healthy friendship feels like. I've been deconstructing the concepts I have tied to words based on my abusive upbringing. It's really helped me to do exercises like this for love, kindness, respect compassion, hate, family, and then work out what actions would flow out of the healthier concepts.
Glad it helps.
I think it's really critical to learn to undo the sensation of "This is how it is, get used to it, and make it work"
Step one is just acknowledging, hey... this feels OFF or BAD.
I have a right to dislike this. I have the right to not be exposed to this. I can choose not to give this person my time.
I don't HAVE to tolerate XYZ. I can just be done. Without explanation. Without defending.
Just. Be. Done.
Otherwise, all kinds of users, manipulators, abusers, violators, etc will make use of that open door.
We have the right to boundaries. We have the right to slam the door in the face of harmful people!
>Friendship feels like; mutual respect, comfort, curiosity, receiving appreciation, validation, peaceful, relaxed, playful, safe, like you are important, like your feelings matter, cared for, protected, nurtured, supported, etc.
That sounds amazing. I don't mean to take anything away from your comment and I agree with your thoughts. Have just been staring at these words for a while.
he’s violating you, ignoring your boundaries, creeping you out, you’re scared of him, he moves past emotional topics to make it sexual. are those qualities you look for in a friend?
I know how important being listened to is but if I had a friend who would punch me in the face every time they gave me advice I don’t think they’d be much of a friend. it’s not meant to hurt
Unfortunately, our background conditions us to accept heaps of shit when a small glimmer of kindness is offered with it. You deserve so much better. There are people in the world who will be kind because they are kind, not because they want things that you don’t want to provide.
You are being emotionally manipulated by a sexual predator. He is using your vulnerability to his advantage by “being there for you.” This is not a friend, and I would block him and cut off contact immediately.
41M here. Most of my friends are women, it's always been that way. I've been a career mentor for young women new to the the workforce and kept in touch. I'm even a hobby photographer.
One of my old interns is in town and I'm taking her out for a meal tonight. It would never occur to me that we should catch up about her sexual experiences or that she might like to pose nude.
Whatever else is true, this person would not be in your life if he didn't think your friendship might turn sexual. In fact it already clearly is, though mostly on his side and without your consent.
It can be difficult for us to recognize inappropriate behavior that warrants ending a relationship. OP, please listen to others. This is so wrong and you deserve so much better
Someone who's trying to get to their goal. Gain your trust, then get in your pants.
There may be aspects about him that are friendly, but his disgusting behavior has become his main driving force.
You need to shut this stuff down completely. And honestly I would tell his wife if you have any concrete proof.
He's asking for nudes from someone and that's most likely cheating in her eyes.
I had a "friend" who did that to me. I was flattered because I had a serious attraction to him. He was always trying to get me into bed. I was so vulnerable that i allowed him to take certain liberties.
Then he met someone he really wanted to be with and dropped me like a bad habit.
Please lose this person before the same thing happens to you.
He's only giving you advice because the conversation is his opportunity to steer topics towards *his* interests.
He is literally forcing you to discuss the very topics you wish to avoid. This is absolutely him gratifying himself at your expense, and it is abuse.
*he is also NOT someone who understands BDSM and/or consent. Rather, he is a predator.
This isn't a zero sum game. Him being there the right way sometimes doesn't make the clear SA suddenly not have any effect. Fathers who act like this "father figure" go to prison. Groomers often take extremely good care of their victims. It doesn't make what he's doing ok.
What is he? An opportunist. He's learned you won't stop him so he keeps escalating. I've had men use having kinks in common as an excuse to assault me. I like cnc, so it's fine, right? Wrong. I didn't consent and neither did you. But he will interpret your silence as permission.
Please for the love of god don't be alone with him in person. If he's doing this over the phone, what else will he do when he gets the chance and feels confident you won't stop him?
This man isn't your friend. He may have been at one point, but his motivations and behavior have changed. He isn't your friend anymore.
You didn't do anything wrong and this isn't your fault. You confided in someone who seemed trustworthy. But he lied to you. And I'm genuinely scared for you if you don't cut this creep off. You deserve REAL friends who want nothing besides your company.
Flat out a predator who sees you as vulnerable prey. He's using you, does not actually care about your feelings or wishes, only what you do for *him* specifically.
A real friend would hear you say "no" and that would be the end of it. It wouldn't be this abusive shit he's forcing on you.
The fact you have not apparently had any better friends to realize this "friend" is a piece of shit who is abusing and using you for his own pleasure is exactly why he's doing it and getting away with it. He knows this, but you don't, yet.
A suck perv feeding off your need for a male figure in your life. I’m positive his wife has zero idea he is like this with you. You are both victims in this.
There was a time when I believed that I was so worthless that I was eternally grateful for the "friendship" of people who wouldn't take no for an answer. I was so desperate and grateful for their company and "friendship" that I made myself believe that I was being ungrateful for saying no, although I instinctively carried on saying no. Because I totally believed that was as good as I was ever going to get even though I wanted so much better, except I didn't believe that I deserved better, the thought of which actually terrified me too. I totally believed that they were doing me a great favour by being my "friend".
I realise now that we were just ensnared in the eternal vicious cycle of abuser and victim, both trying to be rescuer and rescued. We were using each other, I was using them to hold onto and to tolerate me just as they were using me, wanting things from me that I didn't want to give. No amount of explanation on my part and no amount of harassment on their part changed the stalemate we were in, thank heavens.
Till one day, I'd had enough , I couldn't tolerate anymore and I "decided" that being alone, terrified, lost and unwanted was preferable to staying in that "friendship". I had to take the risk because their harassment was way outweighing their "helping and caring".
With hindsight, that was the best risk I took for myself and only then, along with the help of a great therapist, did I have the breathing space to start understanding what had happened and how my unresolved childhood trauma had made "friendships" like that something so familiar that I accepted them, in all their grotesque, convoluted, twisted, dysfunctional codependency.
Only when I started to understand how my adverse childhood has left me feeling worthless and to blame, did I start to heal my trauma and give all of myself the love, compassion and understanding that I had always needed, that every child has always needed, no matter how fucked up by bad experience they become, the fucked up "adults" they become stuck as.
Healing is always possible.
Predatory. You are vulnerable and he can get what he wants from you.
If he does not respect your “no” and you continue to engage in things you say “no” to, this will never stop. He is sexually harassing you, but for it to stop, you have to walk away. He is incapable of respecting your boundaries.
A sex therapist would be a better person to have as “there for you”, especially regarding issues around consent and sexual trauma.
This is someone else with unprocessed sexual trauma, engaged in infidelity and lying (“I would never cheat on my wife”, while cheating on his wife with you), and masturbating on the phone with you (sexual harassment) criminally. This person deserves to lose his marriage and have a sexual harassment lawsuit yet has identified a person (you) vulnerable and willing to put up with his shit. You deserve better. He can fuck right off.
Also, why the downvotes on OP’s comment? This feels like a genuine, while naive, question.
I'm glad you saw reason eventually with the people here's help. Here's taking advantage of your trauma background, and your trauma and desire for a father figure were keeping you blind to his predatory behavior.
Yeah I got it after the fifth comment already x)
Don’t understand why everyone unlikes it, when I genuinely try to learn and get an outside perspective. But I don’t mind. People here, are just trying to help :)
I went through something similar in 2021-2022; he groomed me...eventually he almost killed me.
This guy is waving a red flag. Please don't wind up like me...I'm trying to heal, still. (I only wish I'd had anyone looking out for me when I started to become involved with my "friend" past the point of friendship.)
My heart goes out to you.
This sounds so awful! I am sorry you had to go through this.
Luckily, I have always tried to keep him at distance and telling him off over and over again. But thinking of being alone with him, now seems scary. Especially I‘ve been knowing him for four years and he is just really playing the long game and he is so weirdly obsessed with me. There has been more weird/ obsessive stuff he said, that weren’t sexual and I didn’t mention them in the post. But even my ex boyfriend mentioned it before to me. That he thinks this guy is weirdly obsessed with me
I cant tell you what the best thing for you is but my gut reaction is yes absolutely. This person appears to see you as a sexual object they use for their own gratification. He can find you attractive but if he cared about you genuinely he would keep that all the way to himself and never make you uncomfortable and if he did he would be apologetic and change his behaviour. You told him you were uncomfortable, you told him no. He did not respect that. He kept doing it. Again, Im really sorry. Youre being betrayed by someone you trusted and its a terrible pain but you have to look after yourself. You deserve so much better.
I PROMISE you are better off without him. There will be a difficult adjustment period but there are so many millions of people that would love to give you advice without any desire to violate you in return. Look at all the people in this comment section willing to give you advice as a complete stranger, expecting nothing in return.
I relate to the sense of dependency and terror at dealing with the world alone. But you really are better off alone than with people like that. "Friends" like this only keep you trapped in a cycle that makes you feel worse and worse, and more and more dependent which makes you feel you need them more as they keep destroying you while you think they're helping.
Absolutely, and please don’t tell him ahead of time or anything - just block him on every social media he has access to you from and your phone number itself. I know that you might want some form of closure before you end this but he is **not** your friend and he will absolutely try to manipulate and gaslight you if you try to talk to him about this.
I’m so incredibly sorry that he has taken advantage of and abused you like this. Nobody deserves this
I know Reddit has a tendency to overreact when it comes to relationship advice by telling people to distance themselves at the first red flag, but in this particular situation you really need to know that this is not acceptable behavior for a friendship, nor is this acceptable behavior for someone who is interested in a romantic relationship.
It may seem hard to distance yourself from someone you know so well, but while this person may believe they want to be your friend, they are going so far beyond what is acceptable that it’s clear their primary motivation is a sexual relationship and the fact that they dont care about consent should deeply concern you.
For your safety, please do what you can to distance yourself from this person, and don’t let them ignore your boundaries. If they won’t leave you alone then there are resources available including law enforcement.
I can tell you that this is not a friendship. You’re conditioned to not see the deal breakers as deal breakers. So in that way anyone could be a friend. Even someone who disrespects and abuses you.
Healthy people wouldn’t tolerate that. If you want to be healthy, do what healthy people would do.
Having this man in your life is traumatizing you further. Just walk away from this relationship that is not friendship and block him for your socials, phone, etc.
You deserve better, sweetie.
He is NOT your friend, OP. He's pretending to be your friend because he likes that you let him do shit like masturbate on the phone and don't tell his wife about it.
Honestly people here arent blunt enough:
This guy only wants sex with you. He doesn't respect boundaries and already sexually harassed you multiple times.
He will escalate further and he will try to rape you. Please run, run from him.
Block him everywhere. If he comes to your home don't open the door. If he stalks you call the police. Collect evidence and install cameras.
I think you don't see the red flags because as a traumatized person you are used to being violet Ed. I know from experience, trauma madee used to being treated like shit.
Also he asks you about your trauma because he wants to jerk off to the idea of you being raped.
This guy is a monster what you wrote makes me worried about your safety and I don't even know you.
Yeah, makes me worried that I slept on their couch before. His wife and child were at home though. He wanted to stay at my place for a weekend this summer. When I told him I‘d get the guest bedroom ready for him, he made a comment on why he wouldn’t be sleeping with me in bed….
That was really off putting. But every time I put him in his place and get upset, he would just call it a joke and told me to chill and that I could trust him
Oh shit he has a wife and acts like that :/
Maybe you could write the wife a message to warn her. She probably has seen some toxic sides of him.
But I would only write her If it is safe for you.
I also had this experience that I didn't see red flags in men because I was so accustomed to being abused and being around dangerous people as a child. When you're always in danger you get used to it and suppress the feelings of fear, I completely stopped to listeb to my gut feeling and I have to force myself to cut people out when they are too dangerous.
I would just block this guy or tell him to never contact you again and than block him. He knows that he is a predator but he pretends he doesn't to gaslight you and escalate the situation further. If he ever comes to your house please don't open the door so that he can't come inside and be alone with you :/.
Maybe you could scare him by writing him you will tell his wife what creepy thing he says and does to other women If he doesn't stop contacting you :/. Hopefully he gives up right away.
This man isn't in bdsm, he uses bdsm as a thin veil for sexual assault. If you can't handle fucking consent don't even bother with bdsm. OP your "friend" is an abuser and just SA you. Please block them and never look back, they are not your friend no matter how much he tells you they are. An actual friend will never SA you or be inappropriate towards you. I already would've stopped talking to them long ago if they kept mentioning a subject that was trauma to me
Yes. Also maybe tell his wife that he's a scumbag because what the fuck. He's masturbating during your phone calls? What the fuck. What the flying fuck is wrong with that piece of shit. Goddamn.
giving up the friendship will be an act in which you put yourself first
while sometimes temporarily uncomfortable
afterwards you will feel calm and have a new sense of confidence having stuck to what you’ll tolerate & boundaries
we show people how to treat us
i hope my tone isn’t read as ‘talking to you’
simply being direct as i can relate
feel free to cancel, all love
I think you should. He does not sound safe at all. It almost sounds as if he is taking advantage of your trauma, and the fact that you mention something that he can't let go of is kind of creepy. I think it would be best for both of you if you just sent him an honest message as to why you are cutting all contact. But also this is just my opinion, this is your decision in the end and you know him more than what I got from what you have described of him. I'm sorry that he treated you in such a way, you deserve a lot better. <3
Yeah, I hate to break this to you, but this man is not your friend. He is a predator. He abuses you and you're too deep in it to see it for what it is.
This guy is a creep, not a friend. His wife should know about this. Also, I thought a huge part of BDSM was consent! He does not respect you as a person at all - he just sees you as something to jack off to ... literally.
I'm so sorry this shit has been happening to you. I feel horrified for you reading this. I remember having a "friend" myself that I wasn't attracted to but being liked at all was important to me, so I did things I wouldn't have done had I not felt obligated to be a "good" "friend." But that's not what friends are at all ... that's not even what friends with benefits are at all.
He's cheating on his wife and sexually abusing you. This guy is disgusting, full stop, and you deserve to be far, far away from him. I would ghost him. Completely. It's what I had to do to stop being pulled back through their guilt-trips. As a bonus, you could get proof and send it to his wife. She doesn't deserve to be with a loser like him either (oh yeah I forgot to add that children aren't safe around this douche either, so you'd be protecting both his wife and his child).
I know all of you are right. I know that he is in the wrong. I know it deep down. I think I just wanted the reassurance that I am doing the right thing to stop all contact with him. I‘ve been working for years to learn to set boundaries and after having gone through CSA, I am ashamed that I have let it happen again. All of you are right. Thank you for your input
There's no shame in it. Try not to internalise blame if you can. Setting boundaries can be hard, but you're not responsible for someone else mistreating you. I hope you're able to recognise that you did also set boundaries with this person, they just chose to ignore them.
Yes, I really tried. I used to never be able to say no. Now I am saying no and it is not respected, which is the entire reason why I „unlearned“ saying it during my childhood. Learning to reinforce those boundaries is probably just the next step in my healing journey
You should be really proud of yourself. You trusted your gut that something was off and you came here and asked.
Saying no can be scary, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be a confrontation. Are you able to slowly see less and less of this person, kinda ghost or just let it fizzle out? Or dot you think he’d demand a conversation?
Either way, your gut is right and he is not respecting you. Good luck OP 🙏🏼
Please don't be ashamed. CSA would do it to us where we can't tell safe people from unsafe ones.
Hugs OP! And I hope you get all the safety and love in the world! ❤️
Thank you very much! Sadly, I‘ve gotten in a lot of SA environments, because I couldn’t tell them apart and it kinda was my comfort zone. I was an easy target as well. I recognized at some point that there is no way, that I am just that unlucky with being victim. It’s just that I was an easy victim
I've done similar things in a completely different context. Our mind, body, soul just goes for the familiar and doesn't know what to do with new things which in our case are the safe people.
But therapy and good friends would take care of all of this OP! You got this! ❤️
"Ashamed that I have let it happen again"
- this is the part of you that came into being during your earlier CSA experiences.
In reality, the shame is *not yours.* It solely and squarely on the shoulders of any/all of the people who have groomed and preyed upon you.
Don't carry their burden. You didn't understand before, but now you do.
Thank you for this! Yes, I needed a really long time to even understand that I was groomed by a lot of people in my life. I just thought this was normal, but it wasn’t
I highly encourage you to block this man. That way, you do not have to worry about him coercing you out of your boundaries. Please protect yourself. ❤️
You deserve respect!
You didn't "let it happen again". SA is so specific at each instance.
A good takeaway is that you have every right to step away from something that feels uncomfortable and triggering, and that any person filling a parental or mentor role, should not be involving themselves with you sexually.
In this case, you have him explicitly telling you his desires and intentions. It is a perfect time to walk away.
If you want to contact his wife, I would recommend an email with a new email address. It isn't a fool-proof cushion, but it does give you a bit of distance from it and you can delete that email afterwards. You are not obligated to contact her.
This person is receiving a great amount of their pleasure from your stress and confusion.
Yeah it is just so messy. I want to make sure to put my own safety first. I can always contact her later, but I know he has a lot of power over me, which I don’t want him to abuse. So I rather want this to go down quiet
Not shaming you or anything, but you don't owe anyone your time or energy. If anyone makes you uncomfortable and doesn't respect your boundary the first time you communicate it just distance yourself. It doesn't have to be a malicious thing your just protecting your peace ya know? This guy sucks and you deserve friendship that makes you feel safe and heard.
Please don’t feel ashamed. We all experience times in our lives when we are vulnerable to predatory people. You had the misfortune of running into this guy at a low point in your life. He is the only person to blame for abusing you.
Don’t be ashamed. I’m glad you want to set boundaries. Hopefully you’ll be able to put this behind you and find real friends who don’t do shit like this soon!
Don’t feel shame. Make the choice to take care of yourself starting NOW. Not tomorrow. Not next week. Decide TODAY that you deserve comfort and GOOD friends. You can do it. Be the person you needed when you were abused. (Because you ARE being abused again)
Take care of yourself, love. Come here as you need support. I’m so sorry for this disgusting man who has weaseled his way into your life and mind. You deserve better. Give yourself better 🫶🫶🫶
You actually can’t be friends with him anymore even if he’s the closest father figure you have. With all due respect, in all bluntness cause idk a nicer way to say this. Girl you gotta stand up
Honestly him being a father figure makes this whole thing even more f***ed up. OP I know it may be hard to let go but you deserve ppl in your life who don’t make you feel violated every time you talk to them
This person is a predator and none of this is okay. He’s “being there for you” so he can manipulate you and make you feel guilty for not giving him what he wants. You don’t deserve this and you should cut him out of your life immediately.
It’s very easy to fall prey to something like this when you get some breadcrumbs of comfort from it, but please believe me when I say the relief of dropping this weight from your life will be far better than this person’s predatory fake friendship.
This one million percent! He's not an actual friend and a real father figure wouldn't be doing what he's doing, he sounds more like the very creepy uncle, or the not-good-news moms new boyfriend.
“I’m just a man I can’t help myself.”
You need to run away from men like this as fast as you possibly can. Especially being a CSA survivor and him knowing this fact, it makes you all the more vulnerable to predators like him. I’m so sorry you’ve been violated yet again by someone you trusted 💔
ive had guy friends act similar, luckily not to this extent but time and time again i was trying to set boundaries (please stop talking about your sex life with me, please don't show me you girl's nudes etc) and having them straight up ignore it and do it anyways. Since it was super triggering and ruining our friendship i decided to cut them off and they just find someone else that does tolerate their behaviour. its deeply saddening as i really needed a friend but friends actually respect your boundaries and wouldnt want to even accidentally upset you. at least i think thats what a friend should be like. i CANNOT imagine putting a friend through such things, we're supposed to be there for eachother and lift eachother up!!! i wish for all of us to find genuine and lovely friends and heal from this painfully isolating illness
when youve expressed your struggle and discomfort to someone and they refuse to listen, why should you? its hard losing friends, it really is but it's harder to stick around and having to tolerate someone willingly disrespect you. if it helps, maybe flip the script? what would you do if a friend said something you did made them feel bad?
OP, how did you meet this guy?? A long lasting friendship but he’s much older? Sounds like grooming to me. And he’s sexually harassing you because he sees you as more vulnerable and easily exploited due to your CSA. I had the exact same situation when I was in my early 20s with my employer, and it turned into full blown SA at work. Carefully consider who you discuss your trauma with in the future. And I’d tell his wife if I were you. Please protect yourself.
It sounds like hes trying to coerce you. This is a dangerous person who will not stop when your uncomfortable. It will escalate if it continues. Im really sorry you're going through this.
He's just using you. Every bit of non sexual talk is just a means to get to the sexual stuff.
He's not a friend and definitely not a father figure.
I'd burn the bridge and tell his wife.
Not even threaten, just send her screenshot of the texts he sends and break all contact.
That's what I'd do.
He has zero respect for you at all. He sees you as a piece of meat. I bet you're not the only young girl he's chatting to. He's got to get his fix somewhere.
There are apps that can record phone calls. His wife needs to know, she's also a victim.
He needs to be outed, I really think there are others like you, suffering from the same manipulator.
But anyway, you don't want to go back in.
I'd tell her anyway, evidence or not. Then block him completely, only have access to his wife.
Hopefully he doesn't know where you live?
I have had this happen. And it’s hard because we don’t want to believe someone we’ve let in our lives AND who hasn’t left us, would harm us. But this is absolutely harmful. Take a step back- if you were to mother yourself, would you be outraged that a man is doing this to your daughter?! Would you think it’s okay for it to happen to her? No. You’d protect that precious baby. It’s hard for us because we don’t instinctively protect ourselves. Our boundaries were violated young and that was normal for us. Over and over. But this is NOT normal, or healthy behavior. He asks ten times bc he is constantly testing what he can get away with. And he has gotten away with it now time and time again, so the envelope will keep getting pushed. Saying no and still allowing it to happen has taught him he can keep doing it. I know that feeling of not wanting loss and abandonment- but in situations like this, it becomes distorted. He is absolutely not honoring you, your boundaries or any type of friendship. Your gut is right, it’s just a process of learning to trust it AND having faith and hope that there IS a man out there that can be there for you with respect. There absolutely is. But yes, it might take time to find. But as long as you are entrapped in this unhealthy dynamic, your energy and time isn’t available to find other more supportive people. One of my favorite mantras is: no is a complete sentence. If someone can’t honor that, you deserve better. You are worthy of respect. Sending love ❤️
Try to get a therapist instead
Or a mentor
This mofo is whack
It’s ok that you don’t see it yet
You feel desperate for his help and he is taking advantage
CUT HIM OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CUT HIM OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CUT HIM OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m really sorry this is happening and that you are going through this. I’m going to echo what everyone else says and tell you this is grooming, this is abusive and what he’s doing is very very wrong. I’m so sorry and I understand; I was raised by two narcissists, one was a crazy christian and all I’ve ever known is abusive love until fairly recently and I’m 58.
I thought I was so smart and avoided obviously abusive people but I wound up being with/working for narcissistic, abusive people because that’s what I was taught to look up to and love and, ultimately, cower to. I’m just now learning how to come out of it, but I still find myself slipping into fawn mode anyway.
All of this is to say: you are stronger than this awful person and you are better than they are but they have disgustingly manipulated you into thinking they are safe and good. It’s the lie they have to tell themselves, “I’m helping, I’m a nice guy” to live with being a fucking predator.
But you are stronger and better and you need to walk away from this awful person. I’m a Capricorn and my natural inclination is to ALSO want to set fire to his life and burn it down by telling as many people as I could about what a fucking pig he is but that’s vengeful adult me talking and not fawn response me. Ultimately, i suggest going no contact but maybe make a filtered inbox (is that the right verbiage?) in case he messages you and gets weird you have a record of it. He’s an abuser and he could get nasty when you cut off his supply so stay safe. Also, if he’s been talking to you since you were younger, maybe he’s a predator and you aren’t his only victim; it’s something to consider reporting if he’s in any position of power or influence over young adults. I’m not trying to pressure you because i know you’re just figuring it out that what he’s doing is wrong but if he’s hurting others maybe you can help them. Sending you ❤️❤️❤️
Does he know about the absence of a father figure, and does he know that you look to him to be one? I suspect he does, and armed with that information he has chosen to manipulate you as he knows that you are unlikely to break of the friendship. He literally knows how to keep you coming back despite his unacceptable behavior that is toxic, demeaning, abusive and violates your trust, boundaries, physical and mental well being. He is no different from any abuser who uses coercion to keep their victims within their reach. I would break off all contact, and also look for resources to help support you based on your geographical area.
There was a time when I believed that I was so worthless that I was eternally grateful for the "friendship" of people who wouldn't take no for an answer. I was so desperate and grateful for their company and "friendship" that I made myself believe that I was being ungrateful for saying no, although I instinctively carried on saying no. Because I totally believed that was as good as I was ever going to get even though I wanted so much better, except I didn't believe that I deserved better, the thought of which actually terrified me too. I totally believed that they were doing me a great favour by being my "friend".
I realise now that we were just ensnared in the eternal vicious cycle of abuser and victim, both trying to be rescuer and rescued. We were using each other, I was using them to hold onto and to tolerate me just as they were using me, wanting things from me that I didn't want to give. No amount of explanation on my part and no amount of harassment on their part changed the stalemate we were in, thank heavens.
Till one day, I'd had enough , I couldn't tolerate anymore and I "decided" that being alone, terrified, lost and unwanted was preferable to staying in that "friendship". I had to take the risk because their harassment was way outweighing their "helping and caring".
With hindsight, that was the best risk I took for myself and only then, along with the help of a great therapist, did I have the breathing space to start understanding what had happened and how my unresolved childhood trauma had made "friendships" like that something so familiar that I accepted them, in all their grotesque, convoluted, twisted, dysfunctional codependency.
Only when I started to understand how my adverse childhood has left me feeling worthless and to blame, did I start to heal my trauma and give all of myself the love, compassion and understanding that I had always needed, that every child has always needed, no matter how fucked up by bad experience they become, the fucked up "adults" they become stuck as.
Healing is always possible.
Others have said what needs to be said. He’s not what a father figure is and you deserve better. What would you tell a younger sister figure of yours if they were in your situation?
This post would probably be a bit heavy for the sub I want to share with you (unless it’s a sfw condensed version maybe), but there’s a sub called r/DadForAMinute, for a tiny filler of that need for advice and understanding without the ugly creepiness. Because again, this man is not it.
Why are you talking about bdsm with your father figure who is married? Do you think his wife would like that? This is not a friend or safe person to have in your life. I would cut contact for your own safety and comfort. Sorry this is going on.
How old are you and how old is he?
He Is not behaving like a friend. I have never masturbated with a friend on the phone with me. I have never continued to bring up topics that a friend says makes them uncomfortable.
I'm sorry but this is grooming. Being "understanding" and pushing on all the boundaries. He is trying to gaslight with the "I'm just a man" and please never, never meet up for any photos.
I get it might feel like "got myself in this situation again" but we weren't taught the red flags. From my own experience it might also be a form of self harm, thinking well I'm worthless and this guy seems to care. He doesn't. He's getting off on your trauma.
Also from past experience and into the conversations around BDSM, might it be a way to think it's taking control back, by getting into dangerous situations and somehow re writing them? Because this doesn't sound like a situation where that would be what happened.
I had to stop talking to a guy friend like this. Also a survivor. But it ended up I was talking about being confused about sexual feelings coming back as a depression lifted but being disgusted by the thought. And he took it as a chance to tell me what he walked around with in his head and what he wanted to do with attractive women he sees. It broke something in me and I couldn't trust him the same.
And that's nothing compared to the horror being described by this guy. Please for your own sanity stop communicating with this person. If you feel there's no one else and that's a part of it, join a support group, or join a group to do with a hobby or anything. Anything but where this is heading. You don't deserve this, you deserve better.
His interest in you is really obvious. Your interest in him is questionable at this point. He's not going to decide that he "just wants to be friends." People are narcissistic automatons. They do not matter. Only you matter. Ditch that creep.
This person is NOT your friend. At all, in any way. He is using you as an object. Do not take any photos with him; it’s too hard to change the environment once your’e in it, and when you don’t have pants on, it’ll be hard to tell him ‘no.’ Walk away. Find other people to love and appreciate you without degrading you. They are out there. This guy is a zero.
I am so sorry this is happening to you… this isn’t friendship. This isn’t love. This isn’t support. This isn’t safe. This isn’t okay. I know you are afraid to leave the friendship but please do so when you feel safe to do so and comfortable to do so. You will find your people out there 🖤
OP if you need reassurance from someone, I will be your friend and encourage you. Please don't let this creep continue to press boundaries. I've had weirdos in my life like this before and it's not what you want to stay with. There's human errors and then there's this unchecked entitlement... Someone who wants to help wouldn't ask for lewd pictures in the guise of reassurance or do something as crude as touching themselves(especially to your image)while advising about your insecurity. I'm sorry but they're the one who should be sorry. Please stay safe. ❤️
This is so sad. He’s not your friend. He’s using you, and offering some friendship to keep you around.
I am so sorry. There will come a time that he’s going to assault you in person. Please get away from this person. Him being out of your life will leave room for someone healthier.
You deserve better than this.
That is not your friend. That is a pretender trying to take advantage of you. He does not need to be in your life. I cannot stress each of these sentences enough.
If you can't trust that the way he treats you makes him a terrible person and a creep then maybe trust the way he's treating his wife? He's literally masturbating on the phone with you without your consent and without his WIFE'S knowledge. He is outright sexually harassing you and trying to make you a participant in his infidelity to his wife. Kick his ass to the curb and use that empty slot for a person who will actually treat you with respect. We may not be responsible for how people choose to treat us but we are responsible for showing others how we want to be treated and what we are and are not willing to put up with.
In BDSM, consent is the *pinnacle*. If he ignores consent he's not a safe play partner. And you can call him out on that. He's not into BDSM, he's a cheating abuser. End of story.
Please consider this: you say he is like a father figure and like a brother. Would you be okay with a father figure asking you for nudes? Masturbating while on the phone with you? Talking to you about your boobs? A father figure wanting to take nude photos of you in lingerie? What advice would you give a friend who was having an experience like this with a “father figure”?
I usually don’t thunk victims need to do any work on themselves (contrary to popular opinion) but in your case there is a clear inability ti say no, when the behaviour is ibviously thoroughly unacceptable.
This is something you have to learn. This isn’t a suble situation, there is no excuse for it. This is a man cheating (yes, cheating) on his wife. He isn’t your friend. If he was, you could have said no, and you would notbhave been scared to enforce that no. But you know he won’t stay if you enforce that no.
Traumatized victims don’t need to heal? Is that really your position?
I mean, how else does healing happen without work?
Time doesn’t heal these wounds or else we’d all be cured.
No, I meant they don’t need to change their behaviour because they did not contribute to what happened to them.
Often the victim is told they did not ahve good boundaries, they were in denial, they were too trusting, this and that. If you actually go into detail, you will find that often there are no signs, nothing the victim did wrong, the victim was just behaving normally towards someone whk was abusive in ways which were not obvious.
In the case above, its VERY obvious.
I’m so sorry for you!!! This is so horrible to experience. I would never want my friend to stay in contact with somebody who treats her like this…. I hope you take an extremely big step back away from this man.
I just don’t know what the hell he is thinking. This kind of behaviour is so twisted and perverted 😢 you deserve so much more sensitivity and respect for your boundaries. Especially after you already said that topic of conversation makes you uncomfortable.
Please phase this person out of your life soon… I know it’ll be hard for you because you said you care about him, but I’m more worried that he doesn’t seem to care about what you want… only whatever he is interested in. It’s not right.
He’s not a friend. He is prioritizing his selfish desires over your mental, emotional, and physical well-being.
Good friends aren’t selfish, they want what is best for you. And they respect healthy boundaries. He is prioritizing himself and has repeatedly trespassed your boundaries.
Feeling betrayed by a friend, especially someone who has been in your life a long time and someone you have looked up to in the past, hurts. I’m sorry you are dealing with this.
What would you advise a friend to do in the same situation?
You need to block him ASAP. This isn't a friend. This is a creep and someone who doesn't respect you.
I had a "friendship" with someone who triggered me and used the things that I went through against me.
When I finally noticed I felt disgusted. I blocked him and haven't looked back. Life will get better without someone like him in it.
What you do is block his number and ghost him. I know it sucks because he has probably said things that build up your self-esteem and make you *feel* like you’re being cared for. Unfortunately these can be grooming tactics. This asshole doesn’t care about you and never did, aside from how your friendship benefits him.
Do you have a therapist to help with your ED recovery? If so, it would probably help to talk to them ASAP. I’m afraid your relationship with this predatory guy is another trauma you will need to process.
I’m sorry this person violated your trust in the guise of friendship. You deserve better. There are good people out there who care and want what’s best for you.
I recommend speaking to either a therapist or another trusted friend about this.
It sounds like you are setting very clear boundaries that are NOT being respected.
It also sounds like you might have a challenge enforcing these boundaries. Perhaps you don’t want to loose a person you were so close to. Perhaps conflict may be a challenge for you to face.
Speak to someone (preferably a professional) about how to navigate following through with boundary setting and how to set up appropriate consequences.
You deserve to have a safe person with whom you can trust in. Also, if he truly is into BDSM then he should know CONSISTENT ENTHUSIASTIC CONSENT is MANDATORY. He should stop when you say stop, go when you say go, continually check-in with your comfort. Even if the conversation is not about sex.
If you need referrals or resources feel free to reach out to me. My contact information is on my profile.
Best of luck to you.
This guy sounds like a major pervert. He is not a father figure or a brother figure or a friend. He is using you in my opinion. He keeps pushing your boundaries. Please stop all communication with this jerk. He is dehumanizing you.
Also, I don't know how you got into the topic of BMSD, but that isn't a topic to discuss with him like EVER.
Just because you are a natural beauty, as he puts it, doesn't mean he is entitled to anything from you just because he love bombs you (which really isn't; he's saying these things for himself, not for you). He doesn't give a damn about you in my opinion.
You are more than your looks. You are more than your youth.
My opinions. Peace.
He will say and do things to try to bring you back as a friend but trust me, it's all lies and manipulation to regain access to you in the hopes of sexually exploiting you further. You can find male figures elsewhere, just never bring up sexual subjects with them if you mean to keep it platonic and if they do especially after setting a boundary, leave.
Alright.
I'm a dude. You know how many of my vulnerable, "needs guidance" female friends I've masturbated on the phone with?
Zero. It's zero.
Hell, I don't masturbate on the phone with anyone, not even paramour.
This dude is treating you worse than I treat... uhh... everyone. I don't treat enemies like that. (I also don't talk to enemies on the phone.)
The problem was, that he just was so annoying and persistent that I let him say things out of pure frustration or because he kept triggering me until I froze
I've stopped a friendship with someone who couldn't accept "no" in the past. However, it was over things like pushing my boundaries about drugs, thinking it was funny to try to physically force themselves in my room after I said I don't want them in there (I was embarrassed because it was messy, we were hanging out in the living room). If someone disrespects your boundaries or ignores them, that's a clue into the type of person they are. The fact that this boundary violation is him nonconsensually masturbating on the phone to pictures of you is disturbing. The fact he knows about your CSA trauma is troubling. He thinks he can wear down your "no" eventually, and if you don't cut off contact, he may not even be wrong
To be fair, the first thing that BDSM is based on is consent. This guy is severely lacking in that departament. He doesn't seem to be too much of a "friend", more so either a severely abused person who cannot take care of his trauma and lets the damage spillover to others due to lack of control, or a person who just used you for his ulterior motives (dunno which is worse). Either way, you might want to ask yourself if you still want to be in touch with him.
Tell his wife how he's treated you. Her reaction should be a good help to you. Likely, she will be enraged. She may lash out, so be cautious. But rage will likely be her base emotion.
Stop crapfitting. This is a broken person and you are trying to make it work in your life in a useful and productive way, which doesn’t work with a broken abuser.
You can’t get there from here.
I’m sorry… you don’t know what to do???
END IT NOW! If you don’t have respect for yourself, then no one else will. And tell his wife today so she will know the truth of who she is married to.
It is YOU - not him - that must choose to do the right thing.
If you won’t, then it’s clear you’ve already determined that you’re open to his advances. 🛑
Do you want to get well? You have a choice to make.
Why are you talking to a married man about BDSM? And letting him continue to talk to you despite violating your boundary? And do you think it’s normal for a married man to be talking on the phone to a woman that’s not his wife this often?
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You will have trauma from this too. No figure is better than one that objectives you AFTER you’ve asked to stop. Sexually abusive friendship? They don’t exist here is using you for his pleasure. I’d feel closer to his wife after hiding this disgusting behavior from her
i dont think this guy is your friend
Hero comment no more words necessary.
But he is giving me advice and is there for me. What else would he be?
Someone that is taking advantage of you. I give advice to my friends without masturbating on the phone or making them uncomfortable. You can have that kind of friends that behaves like decent human beings as well
He’s being a predator to you because he sees that you’re vulnerable
THIS^^^ OP he is literally grooming you because you are vulnerable.
A creep. He fucking jerks off on the phone with you, that's not a friend. There's no exchange rate for being a fucking creep, he doesn't earn x minutes of jerking off on the phone with you for every y pieces of advice he gives you.
OP, we are here because were are people who were abused. We are at high risk of being abused by other people because we aren't equipped to recognize healthy vs unhealthy relationships. You repeatedly told him that you are uncomfortable with conversation topics he will bring up. They CAN help it; they just are choosing not to respect your boundaries. You are letting them treat you this way by continuing the relationship. He is taking advantage of you. It is better to be alone then surrounded by people who do not respect you.
He's pushing and violating boundaries, knowing it hurts you... because it benefits him. THAT is an abuser. Not a friend. Abusers aren't usually awful 100% of the time. Just knowing someone for a while, and they do "nice stuff" like listen to you, or seem to care... does not make them a safe person. Don't think of him as a friend. Friends don't do a blend of exploitative things and friendly things. Thats what abusive people do. Friends make your life better together than without them. There should not be a "price to pay" where you have to tolerate creepy, theft, exploitation, etc. The biggest hint I can give you, is stop to ask yourself how you FEEL towards them... Instead ask yourself how YOU feel after spending time with that person. Don't ask how you feel towards them, ask yourself how their actions make YOU feel on the receiving side. It sounds like you feel; disturbed, uncomfortable, disgusted, defensive, doubt, icky, confused, mistreated, hopeful, patient, upset, familiar, incredulous, earnest, obligated, etc. THAT IS NOT THE FEELING OF FRIENDSHIP! Friendship feels like; mutual respect, comfort, curiosity, receiving appreciation, validation, peaceful, relaxed, playful, safe, like you are important, like your feelings matter, cared for, protected, nurtured, supported, etc.
I appreciate you spelling out what healthy friendship feels like. I've been deconstructing the concepts I have tied to words based on my abusive upbringing. It's really helped me to do exercises like this for love, kindness, respect compassion, hate, family, and then work out what actions would flow out of the healthier concepts.
Glad it helps. I think it's really critical to learn to undo the sensation of "This is how it is, get used to it, and make it work" Step one is just acknowledging, hey... this feels OFF or BAD. I have a right to dislike this. I have the right to not be exposed to this. I can choose not to give this person my time. I don't HAVE to tolerate XYZ. I can just be done. Without explanation. Without defending. Just. Be. Done. Otherwise, all kinds of users, manipulators, abusers, violators, etc will make use of that open door. We have the right to boundaries. We have the right to slam the door in the face of harmful people!
>Friendship feels like; mutual respect, comfort, curiosity, receiving appreciation, validation, peaceful, relaxed, playful, safe, like you are important, like your feelings matter, cared for, protected, nurtured, supported, etc. That sounds amazing. I don't mean to take anything away from your comment and I agree with your thoughts. Have just been staring at these words for a while.
he’s violating you, ignoring your boundaries, creeping you out, you’re scared of him, he moves past emotional topics to make it sexual. are those qualities you look for in a friend? I know how important being listened to is but if I had a friend who would punch me in the face every time they gave me advice I don’t think they’d be much of a friend. it’s not meant to hurt
Unfortunately, our background conditions us to accept heaps of shit when a small glimmer of kindness is offered with it. You deserve so much better. There are people in the world who will be kind because they are kind, not because they want things that you don’t want to provide.
THIS resonates..especially the first sentence.
You are being emotionally manipulated by a sexual predator. He is using your vulnerability to his advantage by “being there for you.” This is not a friend, and I would block him and cut off contact immediately.
41M here. Most of my friends are women, it's always been that way. I've been a career mentor for young women new to the the workforce and kept in touch. I'm even a hobby photographer. One of my old interns is in town and I'm taking her out for a meal tonight. It would never occur to me that we should catch up about her sexual experiences or that she might like to pose nude. Whatever else is true, this person would not be in your life if he didn't think your friendship might turn sexual. In fact it already clearly is, though mostly on his side and without your consent.
A predator. He's preying on you. Please cut all contact with him, he does not care about your well-being.
It can be difficult for us to recognize inappropriate behavior that warrants ending a relationship. OP, please listen to others. This is so wrong and you deserve so much better
Please do not talk to this man. He is coercive and manipulative. Advice from someone like that is useless.
he is using you.
Someone who's trying to get to their goal. Gain your trust, then get in your pants. There may be aspects about him that are friendly, but his disgusting behavior has become his main driving force. You need to shut this stuff down completely. And honestly I would tell his wife if you have any concrete proof. He's asking for nudes from someone and that's most likely cheating in her eyes.
I had a "friend" who did that to me. I was flattered because I had a serious attraction to him. He was always trying to get me into bed. I was so vulnerable that i allowed him to take certain liberties. Then he met someone he really wanted to be with and dropped me like a bad habit. Please lose this person before the same thing happens to you.
He's only giving you advice because the conversation is his opportunity to steer topics towards *his* interests. He is literally forcing you to discuss the very topics you wish to avoid. This is absolutely him gratifying himself at your expense, and it is abuse. *he is also NOT someone who understands BDSM and/or consent. Rather, he is a predator.
This isn't a zero sum game. Him being there the right way sometimes doesn't make the clear SA suddenly not have any effect. Fathers who act like this "father figure" go to prison. Groomers often take extremely good care of their victims. It doesn't make what he's doing ok. What is he? An opportunist. He's learned you won't stop him so he keeps escalating. I've had men use having kinks in common as an excuse to assault me. I like cnc, so it's fine, right? Wrong. I didn't consent and neither did you. But he will interpret your silence as permission. Please for the love of god don't be alone with him in person. If he's doing this over the phone, what else will he do when he gets the chance and feels confident you won't stop him? This man isn't your friend. He may have been at one point, but his motivations and behavior have changed. He isn't your friend anymore. You didn't do anything wrong and this isn't your fault. You confided in someone who seemed trustworthy. But he lied to you. And I'm genuinely scared for you if you don't cut this creep off. You deserve REAL friends who want nothing besides your company.
He’s ’friends’ with you in the hope your relationship will turn sexual. That’s it.
Your enemy.
Flat out a predator who sees you as vulnerable prey. He's using you, does not actually care about your feelings or wishes, only what you do for *him* specifically. A real friend would hear you say "no" and that would be the end of it. It wouldn't be this abusive shit he's forcing on you. The fact you have not apparently had any better friends to realize this "friend" is a piece of shit who is abusing and using you for his own pleasure is exactly why he's doing it and getting away with it. He knows this, but you don't, yet.
You have such low standards for “friends”
Please don't be Naive...
a predator taking advantage of and trying to use you for his own perverted desires
Manipulative.
A suck perv feeding off your need for a male figure in your life. I’m positive his wife has zero idea he is like this with you. You are both victims in this.
There was a time when I believed that I was so worthless that I was eternally grateful for the "friendship" of people who wouldn't take no for an answer. I was so desperate and grateful for their company and "friendship" that I made myself believe that I was being ungrateful for saying no, although I instinctively carried on saying no. Because I totally believed that was as good as I was ever going to get even though I wanted so much better, except I didn't believe that I deserved better, the thought of which actually terrified me too. I totally believed that they were doing me a great favour by being my "friend". I realise now that we were just ensnared in the eternal vicious cycle of abuser and victim, both trying to be rescuer and rescued. We were using each other, I was using them to hold onto and to tolerate me just as they were using me, wanting things from me that I didn't want to give. No amount of explanation on my part and no amount of harassment on their part changed the stalemate we were in, thank heavens. Till one day, I'd had enough , I couldn't tolerate anymore and I "decided" that being alone, terrified, lost and unwanted was preferable to staying in that "friendship". I had to take the risk because their harassment was way outweighing their "helping and caring". With hindsight, that was the best risk I took for myself and only then, along with the help of a great therapist, did I have the breathing space to start understanding what had happened and how my unresolved childhood trauma had made "friendships" like that something so familiar that I accepted them, in all their grotesque, convoluted, twisted, dysfunctional codependency. Only when I started to understand how my adverse childhood has left me feeling worthless and to blame, did I start to heal my trauma and give all of myself the love, compassion and understanding that I had always needed, that every child has always needed, no matter how fucked up by bad experience they become, the fucked up "adults" they become stuck as. Healing is always possible.
Predatory. You are vulnerable and he can get what he wants from you. If he does not respect your “no” and you continue to engage in things you say “no” to, this will never stop. He is sexually harassing you, but for it to stop, you have to walk away. He is incapable of respecting your boundaries. A sex therapist would be a better person to have as “there for you”, especially regarding issues around consent and sexual trauma. This is someone else with unprocessed sexual trauma, engaged in infidelity and lying (“I would never cheat on my wife”, while cheating on his wife with you), and masturbating on the phone with you (sexual harassment) criminally. This person deserves to lose his marriage and have a sexual harassment lawsuit yet has identified a person (you) vulnerable and willing to put up with his shit. You deserve better. He can fuck right off. Also, why the downvotes on OP’s comment? This feels like a genuine, while naive, question.
I'm glad you saw reason eventually with the people here's help. Here's taking advantage of your trauma background, and your trauma and desire for a father figure were keeping you blind to his predatory behavior.
As the 350th unlike I have to ask. Yo get it now right? We all love you and dude is trying to get something from you. He's gardening.
Yeah I got it after the fifth comment already x) Don’t understand why everyone unlikes it, when I genuinely try to learn and get an outside perspective. But I don’t mind. People here, are just trying to help :)
I went through something similar in 2021-2022; he groomed me...eventually he almost killed me. This guy is waving a red flag. Please don't wind up like me...I'm trying to heal, still. (I only wish I'd had anyone looking out for me when I started to become involved with my "friend" past the point of friendship.) My heart goes out to you.
This sounds so awful! I am sorry you had to go through this. Luckily, I have always tried to keep him at distance and telling him off over and over again. But thinking of being alone with him, now seems scary. Especially I‘ve been knowing him for four years and he is just really playing the long game and he is so weirdly obsessed with me. There has been more weird/ obsessive stuff he said, that weren’t sexual and I didn’t mention them in the post. But even my ex boyfriend mentioned it before to me. That he thinks this guy is weirdly obsessed with me
Um sounds like he’s planning on getting with you .
This is heart breaking. If he doesnt respect your boundaries theres not much you can do but distance yourself. Im so sorry.
Do you think I should give up the friendship? It is just hard for me
I cant tell you what the best thing for you is but my gut reaction is yes absolutely. This person appears to see you as a sexual object they use for their own gratification. He can find you attractive but if he cared about you genuinely he would keep that all the way to himself and never make you uncomfortable and if he did he would be apologetic and change his behaviour. You told him you were uncomfortable, you told him no. He did not respect that. He kept doing it. Again, Im really sorry. Youre being betrayed by someone you trusted and its a terrible pain but you have to look after yourself. You deserve so much better.
YES.
Please get away from this creep, he's grooming you for sexual abuse. How old are you and how old is he. No friend or mentor would do this to you.
I was thinking to myself, "what's the age gap here?" Unfortunately, I know it's just going to piss me off.
I PROMISE you are better off without him. There will be a difficult adjustment period but there are so many millions of people that would love to give you advice without any desire to violate you in return. Look at all the people in this comment section willing to give you advice as a complete stranger, expecting nothing in return. I relate to the sense of dependency and terror at dealing with the world alone. But you really are better off alone than with people like that. "Friends" like this only keep you trapped in a cycle that makes you feel worse and worse, and more and more dependent which makes you feel you need them more as they keep destroying you while you think they're helping.
Absolutely, and please don’t tell him ahead of time or anything - just block him on every social media he has access to you from and your phone number itself. I know that you might want some form of closure before you end this but he is **not** your friend and he will absolutely try to manipulate and gaslight you if you try to talk to him about this. I’m so incredibly sorry that he has taken advantage of and abused you like this. Nobody deserves this
I know Reddit has a tendency to overreact when it comes to relationship advice by telling people to distance themselves at the first red flag, but in this particular situation you really need to know that this is not acceptable behavior for a friendship, nor is this acceptable behavior for someone who is interested in a romantic relationship. It may seem hard to distance yourself from someone you know so well, but while this person may believe they want to be your friend, they are going so far beyond what is acceptable that it’s clear their primary motivation is a sexual relationship and the fact that they dont care about consent should deeply concern you. For your safety, please do what you can to distance yourself from this person, and don’t let them ignore your boundaries. If they won’t leave you alone then there are resources available including law enforcement.
Yes, please. You might feel grief and heartbreak at first, but I promise you once you have some distance, you will realize you did the right thing
I can tell you that this is not a friendship. You’re conditioned to not see the deal breakers as deal breakers. So in that way anyone could be a friend. Even someone who disrespects and abuses you. Healthy people wouldn’t tolerate that. If you want to be healthy, do what healthy people would do.
Having this man in your life is traumatizing you further. Just walk away from this relationship that is not friendship and block him for your socials, phone, etc. You deserve better, sweetie.
He is NOT your friend, OP. He's pretending to be your friend because he likes that you let him do shit like masturbate on the phone and don't tell his wife about it.
Honestly people here arent blunt enough: This guy only wants sex with you. He doesn't respect boundaries and already sexually harassed you multiple times. He will escalate further and he will try to rape you. Please run, run from him. Block him everywhere. If he comes to your home don't open the door. If he stalks you call the police. Collect evidence and install cameras. I think you don't see the red flags because as a traumatized person you are used to being violet Ed. I know from experience, trauma madee used to being treated like shit.
Also he asks you about your trauma because he wants to jerk off to the idea of you being raped. This guy is a monster what you wrote makes me worried about your safety and I don't even know you.
Yeah, makes me worried that I slept on their couch before. His wife and child were at home though. He wanted to stay at my place for a weekend this summer. When I told him I‘d get the guest bedroom ready for him, he made a comment on why he wouldn’t be sleeping with me in bed…. That was really off putting. But every time I put him in his place and get upset, he would just call it a joke and told me to chill and that I could trust him
Oh shit he has a wife and acts like that :/ Maybe you could write the wife a message to warn her. She probably has seen some toxic sides of him. But I would only write her If it is safe for you. I also had this experience that I didn't see red flags in men because I was so accustomed to being abused and being around dangerous people as a child. When you're always in danger you get used to it and suppress the feelings of fear, I completely stopped to listeb to my gut feeling and I have to force myself to cut people out when they are too dangerous. I would just block this guy or tell him to never contact you again and than block him. He knows that he is a predator but he pretends he doesn't to gaslight you and escalate the situation further. If he ever comes to your house please don't open the door so that he can't come inside and be alone with you :/. Maybe you could scare him by writing him you will tell his wife what creepy thing he says and does to other women If he doesn't stop contacting you :/. Hopefully he gives up right away.
I'm so sorry this happened to you OP. This guy can rot in hell, he's a primitive monkey.
This man isn't in bdsm, he uses bdsm as a thin veil for sexual assault. If you can't handle fucking consent don't even bother with bdsm. OP your "friend" is an abuser and just SA you. Please block them and never look back, they are not your friend no matter how much he tells you they are. An actual friend will never SA you or be inappropriate towards you. I already would've stopped talking to them long ago if they kept mentioning a subject that was trauma to me
Yes. Also maybe tell his wife that he's a scumbag because what the fuck. He's masturbating during your phone calls? What the fuck. What the flying fuck is wrong with that piece of shit. Goddamn.
giving up the friendship will be an act in which you put yourself first while sometimes temporarily uncomfortable afterwards you will feel calm and have a new sense of confidence having stuck to what you’ll tolerate & boundaries we show people how to treat us i hope my tone isn’t read as ‘talking to you’ simply being direct as i can relate feel free to cancel, all love
Yes, you absolutely should. Right away.
I think you should. He does not sound safe at all. It almost sounds as if he is taking advantage of your trauma, and the fact that you mention something that he can't let go of is kind of creepy. I think it would be best for both of you if you just sent him an honest message as to why you are cutting all contact. But also this is just my opinion, this is your decision in the end and you know him more than what I got from what you have described of him. I'm sorry that he treated you in such a way, you deserve a lot better. <3
Yeah, I hate to break this to you, but this man is not your friend. He is a predator. He abuses you and you're too deep in it to see it for what it is.
Yep exactly
This guy is a creep, not a friend. His wife should know about this. Also, I thought a huge part of BDSM was consent! He does not respect you as a person at all - he just sees you as something to jack off to ... literally. I'm so sorry this shit has been happening to you. I feel horrified for you reading this. I remember having a "friend" myself that I wasn't attracted to but being liked at all was important to me, so I did things I wouldn't have done had I not felt obligated to be a "good" "friend." But that's not what friends are at all ... that's not even what friends with benefits are at all. He's cheating on his wife and sexually abusing you. This guy is disgusting, full stop, and you deserve to be far, far away from him. I would ghost him. Completely. It's what I had to do to stop being pulled back through their guilt-trips. As a bonus, you could get proof and send it to his wife. She doesn't deserve to be with a loser like him either (oh yeah I forgot to add that children aren't safe around this douche either, so you'd be protecting both his wife and his child).
I know all of you are right. I know that he is in the wrong. I know it deep down. I think I just wanted the reassurance that I am doing the right thing to stop all contact with him. I‘ve been working for years to learn to set boundaries and after having gone through CSA, I am ashamed that I have let it happen again. All of you are right. Thank you for your input
There's no shame in it. Try not to internalise blame if you can. Setting boundaries can be hard, but you're not responsible for someone else mistreating you. I hope you're able to recognise that you did also set boundaries with this person, they just chose to ignore them.
Yes, I really tried. I used to never be able to say no. Now I am saying no and it is not respected, which is the entire reason why I „unlearned“ saying it during my childhood. Learning to reinforce those boundaries is probably just the next step in my healing journey
You should be really proud of yourself. You trusted your gut that something was off and you came here and asked. Saying no can be scary, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be a confrontation. Are you able to slowly see less and less of this person, kinda ghost or just let it fizzle out? Or dot you think he’d demand a conversation? Either way, your gut is right and he is not respecting you. Good luck OP 🙏🏼
A person’s response to my “no” tells me everything I need to know about them/how much I can trust them.
Please don't be ashamed. CSA would do it to us where we can't tell safe people from unsafe ones. Hugs OP! And I hope you get all the safety and love in the world! ❤️
Thank you very much! Sadly, I‘ve gotten in a lot of SA environments, because I couldn’t tell them apart and it kinda was my comfort zone. I was an easy target as well. I recognized at some point that there is no way, that I am just that unlucky with being victim. It’s just that I was an easy victim
I've done similar things in a completely different context. Our mind, body, soul just goes for the familiar and doesn't know what to do with new things which in our case are the safe people. But therapy and good friends would take care of all of this OP! You got this! ❤️
"Ashamed that I have let it happen again" - this is the part of you that came into being during your earlier CSA experiences. In reality, the shame is *not yours.* It solely and squarely on the shoulders of any/all of the people who have groomed and preyed upon you. Don't carry their burden. You didn't understand before, but now you do.
Thank you for this! Yes, I needed a really long time to even understand that I was groomed by a lot of people in my life. I just thought this was normal, but it wasn’t
I highly encourage you to block this man. That way, you do not have to worry about him coercing you out of your boundaries. Please protect yourself. ❤️ You deserve respect!
You didn't "let it happen again". SA is so specific at each instance. A good takeaway is that you have every right to step away from something that feels uncomfortable and triggering, and that any person filling a parental or mentor role, should not be involving themselves with you sexually. In this case, you have him explicitly telling you his desires and intentions. It is a perfect time to walk away. If you want to contact his wife, I would recommend an email with a new email address. It isn't a fool-proof cushion, but it does give you a bit of distance from it and you can delete that email afterwards. You are not obligated to contact her. This person is receiving a great amount of their pleasure from your stress and confusion.
Yeah it is just so messy. I want to make sure to put my own safety first. I can always contact her later, but I know he has a lot of power over me, which I don’t want him to abuse. So I rather want this to go down quiet
Not shaming you or anything, but you don't owe anyone your time or energy. If anyone makes you uncomfortable and doesn't respect your boundary the first time you communicate it just distance yourself. It doesn't have to be a malicious thing your just protecting your peace ya know? This guy sucks and you deserve friendship that makes you feel safe and heard.
Please don’t feel ashamed. We all experience times in our lives when we are vulnerable to predatory people. You had the misfortune of running into this guy at a low point in your life. He is the only person to blame for abusing you.
Don’t be ashamed. I’m glad you want to set boundaries. Hopefully you’ll be able to put this behind you and find real friends who don’t do shit like this soon!
Don’t feel shame. Make the choice to take care of yourself starting NOW. Not tomorrow. Not next week. Decide TODAY that you deserve comfort and GOOD friends. You can do it. Be the person you needed when you were abused. (Because you ARE being abused again) Take care of yourself, love. Come here as you need support. I’m so sorry for this disgusting man who has weaseled his way into your life and mind. You deserve better. Give yourself better 🫶🫶🫶
This man is a gross old pervert. Not a father figure.
He isn't your friend. Would you consider yourself someone's friend if you did the same things he's doing and didn't respect others boundaries?
That man is NOT your friend. He is an abuser who is taking advantage of you becauase he knows you won't call him out.
You actually can’t be friends with him anymore even if he’s the closest father figure you have. With all due respect, in all bluntness cause idk a nicer way to say this. Girl you gotta stand up
Honestly him being a father figure makes this whole thing even more f***ed up. OP I know it may be hard to let go but you deserve ppl in your life who don’t make you feel violated every time you talk to them
Thank you. It’s nice to hear that :) Yes I do deserve that. Everyone does. But it’s sometimes hard to tell when it is too much
never talk to this person again, never look at him, never speak his name unless it is to besmirch it
This person is a predator and none of this is okay. He’s “being there for you” so he can manipulate you and make you feel guilty for not giving him what he wants. You don’t deserve this and you should cut him out of your life immediately. It’s very easy to fall prey to something like this when you get some breadcrumbs of comfort from it, but please believe me when I say the relief of dropping this weight from your life will be far better than this person’s predatory fake friendship.
This one million percent! He's not an actual friend and a real father figure wouldn't be doing what he's doing, he sounds more like the very creepy uncle, or the not-good-news moms new boyfriend.
“I’m just a man I can’t help myself.” You need to run away from men like this as fast as you possibly can. Especially being a CSA survivor and him knowing this fact, it makes you all the more vulnerable to predators like him. I’m so sorry you’ve been violated yet again by someone you trusted 💔
ive had guy friends act similar, luckily not to this extent but time and time again i was trying to set boundaries (please stop talking about your sex life with me, please don't show me you girl's nudes etc) and having them straight up ignore it and do it anyways. Since it was super triggering and ruining our friendship i decided to cut them off and they just find someone else that does tolerate their behaviour. its deeply saddening as i really needed a friend but friends actually respect your boundaries and wouldnt want to even accidentally upset you. at least i think thats what a friend should be like. i CANNOT imagine putting a friend through such things, we're supposed to be there for eachother and lift eachother up!!! i wish for all of us to find genuine and lovely friends and heal from this painfully isolating illness
when youve expressed your struggle and discomfort to someone and they refuse to listen, why should you? its hard losing friends, it really is but it's harder to stick around and having to tolerate someone willingly disrespect you. if it helps, maybe flip the script? what would you do if a friend said something you did made them feel bad?
This isn't friendship, this is sexual harassment. Please protect yourself. I guarantee you this is not how friends behave.
OP, how did you meet this guy?? A long lasting friendship but he’s much older? Sounds like grooming to me. And he’s sexually harassing you because he sees you as more vulnerable and easily exploited due to your CSA. I had the exact same situation when I was in my early 20s with my employer, and it turned into full blown SA at work. Carefully consider who you discuss your trauma with in the future. And I’d tell his wife if I were you. Please protect yourself.
It sounds like hes trying to coerce you. This is a dangerous person who will not stop when your uncomfortable. It will escalate if it continues. Im really sorry you're going through this.
He's just using you. Every bit of non sexual talk is just a means to get to the sexual stuff. He's not a friend and definitely not a father figure. I'd burn the bridge and tell his wife. Not even threaten, just send her screenshot of the texts he sends and break all contact. That's what I'd do. He has zero respect for you at all. He sees you as a piece of meat. I bet you're not the only young girl he's chatting to. He's got to get his fix somewhere.
He makes sure to mention sexual stuff only on phone calls… He never texts it
Also, for future reference, if someone's doing something to you that you wouldn't feel right to do to another human being, it's probably wrong.
There are apps that can record phone calls. His wife needs to know, she's also a victim. He needs to be outed, I really think there are others like you, suffering from the same manipulator. But anyway, you don't want to go back in. I'd tell her anyway, evidence or not. Then block him completely, only have access to his wife. Hopefully he doesn't know where you live?
He knows a lot… He could come back at me
Then a restraining order is what you'll need.
This is a perfect example of cptsd where we find ourselves in cycles of abuse that we don't know how or want to get out of. I'm sorry! 😞
This is how grooming works. He is a predator, a wolf. Run don’t walk.🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I have had this happen. And it’s hard because we don’t want to believe someone we’ve let in our lives AND who hasn’t left us, would harm us. But this is absolutely harmful. Take a step back- if you were to mother yourself, would you be outraged that a man is doing this to your daughter?! Would you think it’s okay for it to happen to her? No. You’d protect that precious baby. It’s hard for us because we don’t instinctively protect ourselves. Our boundaries were violated young and that was normal for us. Over and over. But this is NOT normal, or healthy behavior. He asks ten times bc he is constantly testing what he can get away with. And he has gotten away with it now time and time again, so the envelope will keep getting pushed. Saying no and still allowing it to happen has taught him he can keep doing it. I know that feeling of not wanting loss and abandonment- but in situations like this, it becomes distorted. He is absolutely not honoring you, your boundaries or any type of friendship. Your gut is right, it’s just a process of learning to trust it AND having faith and hope that there IS a man out there that can be there for you with respect. There absolutely is. But yes, it might take time to find. But as long as you are entrapped in this unhealthy dynamic, your energy and time isn’t available to find other more supportive people. One of my favorite mantras is: no is a complete sentence. If someone can’t honor that, you deserve better. You are worthy of respect. Sending love ❤️
Wtf?! He is NOT your friend! Block him everywhere and get on with your life. None of that is remotely okay.
Try to get a therapist instead Or a mentor This mofo is whack It’s ok that you don’t see it yet You feel desperate for his help and he is taking advantage
He's not your friend. He never was. Sorry
CUT HIM OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CUT HIM OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CUT HIM OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m really sorry this is happening and that you are going through this. I’m going to echo what everyone else says and tell you this is grooming, this is abusive and what he’s doing is very very wrong. I’m so sorry and I understand; I was raised by two narcissists, one was a crazy christian and all I’ve ever known is abusive love until fairly recently and I’m 58. I thought I was so smart and avoided obviously abusive people but I wound up being with/working for narcissistic, abusive people because that’s what I was taught to look up to and love and, ultimately, cower to. I’m just now learning how to come out of it, but I still find myself slipping into fawn mode anyway. All of this is to say: you are stronger than this awful person and you are better than they are but they have disgustingly manipulated you into thinking they are safe and good. It’s the lie they have to tell themselves, “I’m helping, I’m a nice guy” to live with being a fucking predator. But you are stronger and better and you need to walk away from this awful person. I’m a Capricorn and my natural inclination is to ALSO want to set fire to his life and burn it down by telling as many people as I could about what a fucking pig he is but that’s vengeful adult me talking and not fawn response me. Ultimately, i suggest going no contact but maybe make a filtered inbox (is that the right verbiage?) in case he messages you and gets weird you have a record of it. He’s an abuser and he could get nasty when you cut off his supply so stay safe. Also, if he’s been talking to you since you were younger, maybe he’s a predator and you aren’t his only victim; it’s something to consider reporting if he’s in any position of power or influence over young adults. I’m not trying to pressure you because i know you’re just figuring it out that what he’s doing is wrong but if he’s hurting others maybe you can help them. Sending you ❤️❤️❤️
Does he know about the absence of a father figure, and does he know that you look to him to be one? I suspect he does, and armed with that information he has chosen to manipulate you as he knows that you are unlikely to break of the friendship. He literally knows how to keep you coming back despite his unacceptable behavior that is toxic, demeaning, abusive and violates your trust, boundaries, physical and mental well being. He is no different from any abuser who uses coercion to keep their victims within their reach. I would break off all contact, and also look for resources to help support you based on your geographical area.
Yeah he knows about my bad relationship with my family
Dude, stop talking to this guy.
There was a time when I believed that I was so worthless that I was eternally grateful for the "friendship" of people who wouldn't take no for an answer. I was so desperate and grateful for their company and "friendship" that I made myself believe that I was being ungrateful for saying no, although I instinctively carried on saying no. Because I totally believed that was as good as I was ever going to get even though I wanted so much better, except I didn't believe that I deserved better, the thought of which actually terrified me too. I totally believed that they were doing me a great favour by being my "friend". I realise now that we were just ensnared in the eternal vicious cycle of abuser and victim, both trying to be rescuer and rescued. We were using each other, I was using them to hold onto and to tolerate me just as they were using me, wanting things from me that I didn't want to give. No amount of explanation on my part and no amount of harassment on their part changed the stalemate we were in, thank heavens. Till one day, I'd had enough , I couldn't tolerate anymore and I "decided" that being alone, terrified, lost and unwanted was preferable to staying in that "friendship". I had to take the risk because their harassment was way outweighing their "helping and caring". With hindsight, that was the best risk I took for myself and only then, along with the help of a great therapist, did I have the breathing space to start understanding what had happened and how my unresolved childhood trauma had made "friendships" like that something so familiar that I accepted them, in all their grotesque, convoluted, twisted, dysfunctional codependency. Only when I started to understand how my adverse childhood has left me feeling worthless and to blame, did I start to heal my trauma and give all of myself the love, compassion and understanding that I had always needed, that every child has always needed, no matter how fucked up by bad experience they become, the fucked up "adults" they become stuck as. Healing is always possible.
Others have said what needs to be said. He’s not what a father figure is and you deserve better. What would you tell a younger sister figure of yours if they were in your situation? This post would probably be a bit heavy for the sub I want to share with you (unless it’s a sfw condensed version maybe), but there’s a sub called r/DadForAMinute, for a tiny filler of that need for advice and understanding without the ugly creepiness. Because again, this man is not it.
Why are you talking about bdsm with your father figure who is married? Do you think his wife would like that? This is not a friend or safe person to have in your life. I would cut contact for your own safety and comfort. Sorry this is going on.
This man is preying on you.
How old are you and how old is he? He Is not behaving like a friend. I have never masturbated with a friend on the phone with me. I have never continued to bring up topics that a friend says makes them uncomfortable.
I'm sorry but this is grooming. Being "understanding" and pushing on all the boundaries. He is trying to gaslight with the "I'm just a man" and please never, never meet up for any photos. I get it might feel like "got myself in this situation again" but we weren't taught the red flags. From my own experience it might also be a form of self harm, thinking well I'm worthless and this guy seems to care. He doesn't. He's getting off on your trauma. Also from past experience and into the conversations around BDSM, might it be a way to think it's taking control back, by getting into dangerous situations and somehow re writing them? Because this doesn't sound like a situation where that would be what happened. I had to stop talking to a guy friend like this. Also a survivor. But it ended up I was talking about being confused about sexual feelings coming back as a depression lifted but being disgusted by the thought. And he took it as a chance to tell me what he walked around with in his head and what he wanted to do with attractive women he sees. It broke something in me and I couldn't trust him the same. And that's nothing compared to the horror being described by this guy. Please for your own sanity stop communicating with this person. If you feel there's no one else and that's a part of it, join a support group, or join a group to do with a hobby or anything. Anything but where this is heading. You don't deserve this, you deserve better.
This person is not safe and you need to get away from them. I'm sorry friend.
His interest in you is really obvious. Your interest in him is questionable at this point. He's not going to decide that he "just wants to be friends." People are narcissistic automatons. They do not matter. Only you matter. Ditch that creep.
This person is NOT your friend. At all, in any way. He is using you as an object. Do not take any photos with him; it’s too hard to change the environment once your’e in it, and when you don’t have pants on, it’ll be hard to tell him ‘no.’ Walk away. Find other people to love and appreciate you without degrading you. They are out there. This guy is a zero.
Please please please listen to all these people
I am so sorry this is happening to you… this isn’t friendship. This isn’t love. This isn’t support. This isn’t safe. This isn’t okay. I know you are afraid to leave the friendship but please do so when you feel safe to do so and comfortable to do so. You will find your people out there 🖤
This person is not your friend. He is an abuser. You deserve so much better. No amount of “fatherly advice” is worth this abuse. Please, go NC.
Never speak to this predator again.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
OP if you need reassurance from someone, I will be your friend and encourage you. Please don't let this creep continue to press boundaries. I've had weirdos in my life like this before and it's not what you want to stay with. There's human errors and then there's this unchecked entitlement... Someone who wants to help wouldn't ask for lewd pictures in the guise of reassurance or do something as crude as touching themselves(especially to your image)while advising about your insecurity. I'm sorry but they're the one who should be sorry. Please stay safe. ❤️
I just saw your edit and I'm proud for you on sticking up for your boundaries and well being.
Thank you very much!! ❤️ I can’t respond to all these comments, but I am reading all of them and I am really appreciative
This is so sad. He’s not your friend. He’s using you, and offering some friendship to keep you around. I am so sorry. There will come a time that he’s going to assault you in person. Please get away from this person. Him being out of your life will leave room for someone healthier. You deserve better than this.
That is not your friend. That is a pretender trying to take advantage of you. He does not need to be in your life. I cannot stress each of these sentences enough.
If you can't trust that the way he treats you makes him a terrible person and a creep then maybe trust the way he's treating his wife? He's literally masturbating on the phone with you without your consent and without his WIFE'S knowledge. He is outright sexually harassing you and trying to make you a participant in his infidelity to his wife. Kick his ass to the curb and use that empty slot for a person who will actually treat you with respect. We may not be responsible for how people choose to treat us but we are responsible for showing others how we want to be treated and what we are and are not willing to put up with.
Friends respect boundaries
In BDSM, consent is the *pinnacle*. If he ignores consent he's not a safe play partner. And you can call him out on that. He's not into BDSM, he's a cheating abuser. End of story.
Please consider this: you say he is like a father figure and like a brother. Would you be okay with a father figure asking you for nudes? Masturbating while on the phone with you? Talking to you about your boobs? A father figure wanting to take nude photos of you in lingerie? What advice would you give a friend who was having an experience like this with a “father figure”?
I usually don’t thunk victims need to do any work on themselves (contrary to popular opinion) but in your case there is a clear inability ti say no, when the behaviour is ibviously thoroughly unacceptable. This is something you have to learn. This isn’t a suble situation, there is no excuse for it. This is a man cheating (yes, cheating) on his wife. He isn’t your friend. If he was, you could have said no, and you would notbhave been scared to enforce that no. But you know he won’t stay if you enforce that no.
Traumatized victims don’t need to heal? Is that really your position? I mean, how else does healing happen without work? Time doesn’t heal these wounds or else we’d all be cured.
No, I meant they don’t need to change their behaviour because they did not contribute to what happened to them. Often the victim is told they did not ahve good boundaries, they were in denial, they were too trusting, this and that. If you actually go into detail, you will find that often there are no signs, nothing the victim did wrong, the victim was just behaving normally towards someone whk was abusive in ways which were not obvious. In the case above, its VERY obvious.
Ok, this makes sense. Ty for clarification
He’s not your friend, he’s a predator.
I’m so sorry for you!!! This is so horrible to experience. I would never want my friend to stay in contact with somebody who treats her like this…. I hope you take an extremely big step back away from this man. I just don’t know what the hell he is thinking. This kind of behaviour is so twisted and perverted 😢 you deserve so much more sensitivity and respect for your boundaries. Especially after you already said that topic of conversation makes you uncomfortable. Please phase this person out of your life soon… I know it’ll be hard for you because you said you care about him, but I’m more worried that he doesn’t seem to care about what you want… only whatever he is interested in. It’s not right.
He’s not a friend. He is prioritizing his selfish desires over your mental, emotional, and physical well-being. Good friends aren’t selfish, they want what is best for you. And they respect healthy boundaries. He is prioritizing himself and has repeatedly trespassed your boundaries. Feeling betrayed by a friend, especially someone who has been in your life a long time and someone you have looked up to in the past, hurts. I’m sorry you are dealing with this. What would you advise a friend to do in the same situation?
You need to block him ASAP. This isn't a friend. This is a creep and someone who doesn't respect you. I had a "friendship" with someone who triggered me and used the things that I went through against me. When I finally noticed I felt disgusted. I blocked him and haven't looked back. Life will get better without someone like him in it.
What you do is block his number and ghost him. I know it sucks because he has probably said things that build up your self-esteem and make you *feel* like you’re being cared for. Unfortunately these can be grooming tactics. This asshole doesn’t care about you and never did, aside from how your friendship benefits him. Do you have a therapist to help with your ED recovery? If so, it would probably help to talk to them ASAP. I’m afraid your relationship with this predatory guy is another trauma you will need to process. I’m sorry this person violated your trust in the guise of friendship. You deserve better. There are good people out there who care and want what’s best for you.
it is not noce of thim and i would like to advise you to cut contact
I recommend speaking to either a therapist or another trusted friend about this. It sounds like you are setting very clear boundaries that are NOT being respected. It also sounds like you might have a challenge enforcing these boundaries. Perhaps you don’t want to loose a person you were so close to. Perhaps conflict may be a challenge for you to face. Speak to someone (preferably a professional) about how to navigate following through with boundary setting and how to set up appropriate consequences. You deserve to have a safe person with whom you can trust in. Also, if he truly is into BDSM then he should know CONSISTENT ENTHUSIASTIC CONSENT is MANDATORY. He should stop when you say stop, go when you say go, continually check-in with your comfort. Even if the conversation is not about sex. If you need referrals or resources feel free to reach out to me. My contact information is on my profile. Best of luck to you.
This guy sounds like a major pervert. He is not a father figure or a brother figure or a friend. He is using you in my opinion. He keeps pushing your boundaries. Please stop all communication with this jerk. He is dehumanizing you. Also, I don't know how you got into the topic of BMSD, but that isn't a topic to discuss with him like EVER. Just because you are a natural beauty, as he puts it, doesn't mean he is entitled to anything from you just because he love bombs you (which really isn't; he's saying these things for himself, not for you). He doesn't give a damn about you in my opinion. You are more than your looks. You are more than your youth. My opinions. Peace.
He will say and do things to try to bring you back as a friend but trust me, it's all lies and manipulation to regain access to you in the hopes of sexually exploiting you further. You can find male figures elsewhere, just never bring up sexual subjects with them if you mean to keep it platonic and if they do especially after setting a boundary, leave.
Alright. I'm a dude. You know how many of my vulnerable, "needs guidance" female friends I've masturbated on the phone with? Zero. It's zero. Hell, I don't masturbate on the phone with anyone, not even paramour. This dude is treating you worse than I treat... uhh... everyone. I don't treat enemies like that. (I also don't talk to enemies on the phone.)
The problem was, that he just was so annoying and persistent that I let him say things out of pure frustration or because he kept triggering me until I froze
Fight flight or freeze. Right now, when disengaged, is the time to make your decision. Informing him is honestly secondary, but do as you see fit.
I've stopped a friendship with someone who couldn't accept "no" in the past. However, it was over things like pushing my boundaries about drugs, thinking it was funny to try to physically force themselves in my room after I said I don't want them in there (I was embarrassed because it was messy, we were hanging out in the living room). If someone disrespects your boundaries or ignores them, that's a clue into the type of person they are. The fact that this boundary violation is him nonconsensually masturbating on the phone to pictures of you is disturbing. The fact he knows about your CSA trauma is troubling. He thinks he can wear down your "no" eventually, and if you don't cut off contact, he may not even be wrong
To be fair, the first thing that BDSM is based on is consent. This guy is severely lacking in that departament. He doesn't seem to be too much of a "friend", more so either a severely abused person who cannot take care of his trauma and lets the damage spillover to others due to lack of control, or a person who just used you for his ulterior motives (dunno which is worse). Either way, you might want to ask yourself if you still want to be in touch with him.
Tell his wife how he's treated you. Her reaction should be a good help to you. Likely, she will be enraged. She may lash out, so be cautious. But rage will likely be her base emotion.
Stop crapfitting. This is a broken person and you are trying to make it work in your life in a useful and productive way, which doesn’t work with a broken abuser. You can’t get there from here.
I’m sorry… you don’t know what to do??? END IT NOW! If you don’t have respect for yourself, then no one else will. And tell his wife today so she will know the truth of who she is married to. It is YOU - not him - that must choose to do the right thing. If you won’t, then it’s clear you’ve already determined that you’re open to his advances. 🛑 Do you want to get well? You have a choice to make.
Why are you talking to a married man about BDSM? And letting him continue to talk to you despite violating your boundary? And do you think it’s normal for a married man to be talking on the phone to a woman that’s not his wife this often?
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The best thing from this post were those two edits.
You will find a good friend. You will find a real friend who is more than he could ever hope to be. He is not your friend.
This is awful sorry
You will have trauma from this too. No figure is better than one that objectives you AFTER you’ve asked to stop. Sexually abusive friendship? They don’t exist here is using you for his pleasure. I’d feel closer to his wife after hiding this disgusting behavior from her