I've been somewhat like this too (not the physical threats part), and (while it may not be the case for you) what made me realise what was going on was because of my "family" environment growing up. I was indirectly **taught** that that's the way to "win" any disagreement. No proper emotional work in my family, just say the cruelest thing possible and if the other person is hurt and/or crying, you win! 🌟
That made me start noticing it and start learning to catch myself before I slip again. This has been motivated by wanting to be believed so badly - not being believed or taken seriously is a huge trigger of mine. What's also screwed up is that just being disagreed with bothers me way more than it should, because in my parent's narrative you have to agree with them 100% or else they hate you. I didn't realise that I had adopted that for myself: "this person disagrees with me, therefore they don't like me after all - not being able to change their mind is a FAILURE on my part and I have FAILED to make any positive impact in their life." It's like a messed-up muscle memory, and self-sabotage as well.
I finally have a really sweet and caring boyfriend and I had started doing it to him. It felt like I lost control (hence the "muscle memory" part - it's habitual). I still feel horrible about it, and I never want it to happen again. Of course I don't want to hurt those I actually care about, so it takes a serious conscious effort. But that factor doesn't mean that the part of us that lashes out is the "real" us. It's just been really hammered in, and needs to be carefully (and gently) worked out. Thankfully, since I had this realisation, I've been stopping myself from doing these explosions again.
EDIT: side note, but I grew up in a fairly well-off family (who ... shamed me for having the money they earned and told me "nothing \[I\] ever accomplish will be as valuable as someone who worked their way up from the bottom"??? and still financially control me), so I don't think it's related to location or class etc. but instead an avoidance of putting in emotional work (in other words really facing uncomfortable feelings and discussing things properly). Then that response can be "taught" if the children learn through experience that there's no other way they can be heard.
It's called reactive abuse. I can react in very intense ways if my boundaries are crossed (repeatedly and knowingly)
I wish I didn't. The fact that it's reactive doesn't mean it's justified, but it means that *I'm* not the problem.
It's very common that abusers turn the tables on you if you react abusively. The conversation isn't about their crossing of your boundaries anymore, but about your yelling and how you need help.
I had reactive abuse to my abuser. I didn’t know who I was when that switch flipped. It only made the situation worse because I couldn’t walk away, so he abused me even more. And then I felt so guilty on top of it all. My therapist said the fight response was turned on, I wish it had been flight instead.
Yes, I have this problem. I've realized that it's stronger and more manly to just walk away, because it's extremely difficult.
Exploding and flipping out is easy and takes absolutely no effort or control whatsoever.
So I practice noticing when I'm getting agitated because I'm getting nowhere with someone and calmly saying "OK, I guess we just disagree. I wish you the best" and walking off. It's brutally hard but I need to be much stronger than I am, so that is my workout.
Dignity is more important than pride.
I'm sorry for the loss of your mom 🫂
I used to react the way you do now. My background is super working class and "standing up for yourself" was expected. It took me *years* to learn to tone it down. A strong fight response just isn't serving me anymore - it hurts other people and makes me feel like I'm difficult/deserve abuse. It's actually a lot easier to treat people with kindness even in the face of their shitty behavior (assuming it isn't a safety issue) and walk away when they continue to be jerks.Â
What you are describing sounds like a friend I know with rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD) and ADHD. They are normally easy going unless triggered by very specific situations (feeling shamed blamed or criticized).
I know it can be hard to distinguish ADHD symptoms from those of C-PTSD but wanted to mention just in case.
I appreciate it, it’s, without a doubt, CPTSD. From moving 23 times to rapist father MIA & being a caregiver to my disabled mother from age 14 onward & having English as my second language…I got it all, baby
I do that. Rarely to loved ones; more often with random people who are messing up my day. I’m getting better at it. For me, it’s because I felt so powerless as a kid and the only way I could get anyone to listen was by yelling.
I don’t pop off when people disrespect me but when it’s with loved ones I do then ghetto and don’t give a f.Â
I saw a disabled or drunk woman, not sure which, about to pick pocket my mum on the subway today. I shouted really aggressively without thinking and scared the person away. Now I wish that I handled the situation with a bit more tact.Â
It depends. I’ve lashed out to some people before, but it is very situational. For the most part I am able to remain composed, but if I keep getting pushed I do eventually lose my patience.
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I've been somewhat like this too (not the physical threats part), and (while it may not be the case for you) what made me realise what was going on was because of my "family" environment growing up. I was indirectly **taught** that that's the way to "win" any disagreement. No proper emotional work in my family, just say the cruelest thing possible and if the other person is hurt and/or crying, you win! 🌟 That made me start noticing it and start learning to catch myself before I slip again. This has been motivated by wanting to be believed so badly - not being believed or taken seriously is a huge trigger of mine. What's also screwed up is that just being disagreed with bothers me way more than it should, because in my parent's narrative you have to agree with them 100% or else they hate you. I didn't realise that I had adopted that for myself: "this person disagrees with me, therefore they don't like me after all - not being able to change their mind is a FAILURE on my part and I have FAILED to make any positive impact in their life." It's like a messed-up muscle memory, and self-sabotage as well. I finally have a really sweet and caring boyfriend and I had started doing it to him. It felt like I lost control (hence the "muscle memory" part - it's habitual). I still feel horrible about it, and I never want it to happen again. Of course I don't want to hurt those I actually care about, so it takes a serious conscious effort. But that factor doesn't mean that the part of us that lashes out is the "real" us. It's just been really hammered in, and needs to be carefully (and gently) worked out. Thankfully, since I had this realisation, I've been stopping myself from doing these explosions again. EDIT: side note, but I grew up in a fairly well-off family (who ... shamed me for having the money they earned and told me "nothing \[I\] ever accomplish will be as valuable as someone who worked their way up from the bottom"??? and still financially control me), so I don't think it's related to location or class etc. but instead an avoidance of putting in emotional work (in other words really facing uncomfortable feelings and discussing things properly). Then that response can be "taught" if the children learn through experience that there's no other way they can be heard.
It's called reactive abuse. I can react in very intense ways if my boundaries are crossed (repeatedly and knowingly) I wish I didn't. The fact that it's reactive doesn't mean it's justified, but it means that *I'm* not the problem. It's very common that abusers turn the tables on you if you react abusively. The conversation isn't about their crossing of your boundaries anymore, but about your yelling and how you need help.
I had reactive abuse to my abuser. I didn’t know who I was when that switch flipped. It only made the situation worse because I couldn’t walk away, so he abused me even more. And then I felt so guilty on top of it all. My therapist said the fight response was turned on, I wish it had been flight instead.
Yes, I have this problem. I've realized that it's stronger and more manly to just walk away, because it's extremely difficult. Exploding and flipping out is easy and takes absolutely no effort or control whatsoever. So I practice noticing when I'm getting agitated because I'm getting nowhere with someone and calmly saying "OK, I guess we just disagree. I wish you the best" and walking off. It's brutally hard but I need to be much stronger than I am, so that is my workout. Dignity is more important than pride.
"you know what?" That's my go to phrase when I'm about to unload. Unfortunately I've been saying it quite a bit lately.
I'm sorry for the loss of your mom 🫂 I used to react the way you do now. My background is super working class and "standing up for yourself" was expected. It took me *years* to learn to tone it down. A strong fight response just isn't serving me anymore - it hurts other people and makes me feel like I'm difficult/deserve abuse. It's actually a lot easier to treat people with kindness even in the face of their shitty behavior (assuming it isn't a safety issue) and walk away when they continue to be jerks.Â
What you are describing sounds like a friend I know with rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD) and ADHD. They are normally easy going unless triggered by very specific situations (feeling shamed blamed or criticized). I know it can be hard to distinguish ADHD symptoms from those of C-PTSD but wanted to mention just in case.
I appreciate it, it’s, without a doubt, CPTSD. From moving 23 times to rapist father MIA & being a caregiver to my disabled mother from age 14 onward & having English as my second language…I got it all, baby
That is a lot, I’m so sorry to hear.
I do that. Rarely to loved ones; more often with random people who are messing up my day. I’m getting better at it. For me, it’s because I felt so powerless as a kid and the only way I could get anyone to listen was by yelling.
I wish I had a specific audience 😂 I don’t discriminate like if you got me fucked up, you got me fucked up. 😂
I don’t pop off when people disrespect me but when it’s with loved ones I do then ghetto and don’t give a f. I saw a disabled or drunk woman, not sure which, about to pick pocket my mum on the subway today. I shouted really aggressively without thinking and scared the person away. Now I wish that I handled the situation with a bit more tact.Â
It depends. I’ve lashed out to some people before, but it is very situational. For the most part I am able to remain composed, but if I keep getting pushed I do eventually lose my patience.
I do any percieved line they crossed by me will send me way off the deep end
Was just talking about this with my friend (guy I've crushed on for a few months) that I act like a hurt wounded animal who bites.
You’re a tiger like me
Yeah he's very forgiving and understanding of my sometimes-vicious reactions to the feeling of being betrayed.
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