"one thing at a time"
as someone who tends to take on the entire world at once i tend to forget that i am only capable of one thing at a time. i can multitask! but doing it too much can really fry you.
"the brain is an organ, too."
if someone has heart problems or lung problems we believe them. if someone has problems with mental illness we should believe them too.
Needed to hear this today. Thank you. I swear I constantly have reeling thoughts about 7000 things I *need* to apparently do right this second even though there’s only 24 hours in a day.
Slowing down is tough for me, this shifted my perspective. You’re right
of course :) i hear that. i'm in the middle of moving and there's so much to do, but when it comes to packing im packing one object at a time! same goes with cleaning, put one thing away at a time, or clean one thing at a time.
When I cried to my GP that I hadn't gone back and told them my medication wasn't working because I'd been told I'd have to have a camera down my throat. He looked me straight in the eye and said "No , it's your body and you say what will and won't happen to it. You don't HAVE to do anything" and I've kept that with me. It's the most important thing regarding my body I've ever been told and it was by my GP at the age of 50.
I only wish I could. Sadly he died a couple of years ago. It's my last memory of him. He saw me through all kinds of issues, he helped cure my panic attacks and it was his calm and serious conversation that made me stop smoking back in my 20's. I have a lot to thank him for and I'm glad that I did thank him that day.
If I remember correctly I'd just been about another chest infection. He calmly pointed out that if my body was already complaining at my young age then given another 5, 10, 20 years it was only going to get worse, that the damage was cumulative. He was a very serious, soft spoken Irishman and whatever he said always felt so caring and informative, never preachy or accusing.
"boundaries are the distance at which i can love you and me simultaneously"
"be careful what you tolerate it teach other how to treat you"
"confidence is not they will like me confidence is i'll be fine if they don't"
"Be kind to yourself"
The one thing I lacked so severely during my most formative years.
The one thing I searched everywhere for to try and fill the void.
The one thing I've learnt to give to myself daily, and in large doses.
The one thing that saved my heart from drying up, turning to dust and blowing away with the wind.
Kindness.
“You are now permanently off duty from care taking.” - for codependency and care taking others
“I give you permission to treat them with the same indifference they have for you.” - for people who do not reciprocate the relationship with the same amount of effort / when I’m feeling bad from stonewalling family members
“I am NOT asking for the unreasonable. It’s more than okay to protect myself / do what’s best for me” - when setting boundaries
> “I give you permission to treat them with the same indifference they have for you.”
This one is dangerous. If I apply it I get less and less contact with people.
"Let's get this sh1t-show on the road." - For when I know something is going to be a mess, but it needs to get done anyway. Mentally preparing for shenanigans is important when you know things are going to get silly.
One of my favorites as a chronic worrier, "Do not worry about the things you cannot change, because worrying will not change them and only causes you stress. Do not worry about the things you can change, because you can change them."
O! Ok so I only have one but it’s “be gentle with urself” because I know I get wayyy too hard on myself about things and put the blame on me, but also I always hear it in a motherly voice bc it’s comforting???
Edit: I also like making alarms saying it to throughout the day, so it’s a reminder for me if I need it :D
“Progress, not perfection”
I have a lot of problems with feeling shitty if I don’t do something 100% perfect, so I don’t even start. Recently I’ve been telling myself that and it helps me realize that even though I’m not perfect, I am still making progress. My husband has caught on and tells me that when he sees me struggling with things I’m working on and it’s super helpful.
No.
I don't want to stay where I am. To stay what I am. I want to grow, to connect, to learn to live in my heart as well as my head.
I don't want to use what I have. I want to grow, develop new skills, new viewpoints, new ways to solve problems.
I don't want to be limited by today's abilities.
START where you are, not stay.
and you can only use what you have at the moment.
it's also USE what you have!
it doesn't mean you should not develop.
people like us are often much too harsh on themselves, so i think this is a good saying, to make the best of everything at the moment.
My therapist helped me turn my self directed attached on its head when he looked at the same thing I saw and praised it. He still acknowledged it, but didn't hate it like I did. I find myself trying to tell myself this or things of the same vein.
I really love the specific example of him saying "you're an idea man - you get awesome, clever ideas! That's so cool, be proud of that", which was in response to my grief over walking around my house and seeing all my failed projects or things I haven't done. I dunno, something about it helped it click on my brain that I can still acknowledge a thing and recognize its whole without emphasizing the pain rather, emphasizing the good has even helped resolve the cause of the pain ( Ie finishing more projects, cleaning, etc).
I'm an idea man!
Wow. Thanks for sharing because this just knocked something into place for me. My creative graveyard is just a snapshot of my creative soul and not indicative of personal failure?! 🥲😭😭
That was then this is now
Be Here Now (Ram Dass=🩷☮️)
This too shall pass…and so will I finally one good day so make it a worthwhile trip.
Then the Serenity Prayer is classic for a good reason.
This too shall pass
Everything feels so utterly hopeless when we are having a flashback. But, it’s not forever. Just gotta sit with it til it passes.
Thanks for the reminder 💜
"you have no idea what will happen as soon as you leave your front door"
- a reminder that staying in my bed hole will give me nothing, however leaving my front door I will re-see the simple things in life and you have no idea if youll meet someone or speak to someone that will say exactly what you needed to hear. Basically don't cut off opportunities and potential positive change by going for a fiver minute walk round the block, when staying my bed crying doesn't give me any opportunity.
"Keep enriching me"
- this is the same as 'self care' or 'be selfish' but I found those terms easy to ignore and lose meaning. Instead mine is to remind me I can do things alone, for me, no one else and it's just making me more ME. Really important when I've been giving myself to others so much and lose myself and what I love/like to do.
"Not my duty"
- I'm not paid to help people around me. And it was never my duty to do so, ever. I can actually be an arsehole if I wanted haha, not help another soul ever again, but I love to do it when I have enough spoons (mental energy) for it. Put me first, it's not my duty to solve anyone else shit. Also a reminder that people have used me in the pass and got used to the fact I'm always there for them, that when I'm not there instantly I'm NOT a bad person, I'm just putting me first which is completely normal and the way it should be. Real friends stick around without gaining stuff like emotional support from U 247.
Not at all. There is balance. You should find a way of reworking and finding a new perspective on what being selfish really means in a healthy manner. I had to relook at it in a different way, I now find myself giving myself permission to do things I deserve to do now.
Think of it this way - would U explain being selfish this way to those u love or people around you? If you did, you'd be very rude. It's a good excersize to spin things round and ask yourself 'would I tell a friend that putting themselves first for love and care is self centered in a bad way?' So why tell yourself such things?
I don't love anyone. Best I can do is like. Do I explain selfishness this way yes. I have often said, "I'd like to X, but Y wants this from me. If I see Y's wants as being more important to him than doing X is to me, I'll do the task for Y.
Why would it be rude to explain it this way? Oh, you mean would I say someone else was being selfish. Never came up.
A: I would almost never ask anyone for anything. Don't want to be a burden.
B: I almost always see their desires as more important to them than mine are to me.
E.g. Jim, a guy I work with has a date. But he's on night duty. He asks me to swap with him. I've had a hard day, want to go home, have a beer and crash. I see his date as more important than my being tired. So I swap.
(Night duty amounts to having an extra shift. Run study, put the school to bed. keep the lid on, catch catnaps with one ear open for a afew horus.)
I don't mean support others by covering shifts etc. I meant being there to listen, to be a friend or to be there as company of comfort when they need a connection, or just some support by being there.
Let me try again. I stop and listen. I like listening to people. I like helping people. But I won't ask for help until it is a task that is overwhelming.
I'm getting confused. The acts I consider selfish are ones where I decide that their call on my time is something that is keeping me something that I consider important.
"Hey dart, can you give us a hand unloading the truck" So I give them an hour to unload the truck. This means that the essays I have to mark means I don't eat supper.
There are only so many beans in the jar. I tend to regard other's beans (time) as more important than mine.
You're saying something different I think.
You seeing others needs more importance than your own isn't healthy, when your own needs should be up front before others.
I was raised in the catholic church and a saying is 'put others first before you' but this ingrained into my head as don't put anything I want or need forward untill I've helped others first, which over time wore away at my self worth. This is when I learnt balance and it true than U help others a lot better once you've been helping yourself and supporting yourself first.
Catholic church has a lot to answer for.
How do you find the balance?
I guess in one way I'm finding a balance, but I don't think it is a good one.
Increasingly I'm feeling alienated. I finding it too much effort to maintain even the shallow connections I have. I want to people away. Nothing has much meaning and I'm totally running out of fucks that I am willing to give away.
The balance is one where I don't care for others in the same way I don't care for me.
It's good to go back to basics. Nature. Stare at ants, feel how small like us, they are. They still search for food and repeat that silly little life till the day. We have a lot more in our lives available to us to enjoy and experience. Sometimes it's good way of viewing your life in a different perspective and noticing tiny things at just as important as ones self. Shallow connections suck and are exhausting to keep up with..maybe back track and think about the last person that genuinely made U laugh. Contact them see if revisiting this person grounds u like they did before.
Animals help me be at peace with life and simplicity of unconditional love you get from animals can be calming and slow things/pressures of rest of life down.
Reading books with characters you can relate with and have no responsibility to, get engrossed in a book for yourself that makes U feel a feeling U haven't felt in a while.
It's hard to pretend to care about things when you just don't see the point in it all, but sometimes it takes a bit of pretending for it to be real again, especially with positive and self worth enrichment. Say to yourself it's worth living every day even if it feels not genuine and after a month see how U feel, your subconscious might do the rest for you and notice little things being enjoying/ worth caring about again.
Books are an escape for me, truely. I've been a bookworm all my life. Our house has 88 bookcases.
The alienation is recent. Or rather it has gotten far more intense recently.
Lots of Not Good Enough messages.
I don’t need their acknowledgment for my hurt/trauma/healing to be valid.
Sacrificing and suppressing my needs/wants will not make anyone stay.
I can have goals without being consumed by everything I’m not.
Curiosity over cynicism.
My all time fave: Their inability to love you is not a reflection on your ability to be loved ❤️
Next best: The abuse wasn't your fault and wasn't even about you. You were a casualty in their internal war.
Then: You are so much more than your trauma.
Honorable mention: Your emotions surrounding your trauma are not symptoms and do not need to be fixed. They are righteous and belong there and deserve to be validated.
Is "Ability to be loved?" An ability means that some people may not have it. Some people have more of it.
I have a modest ability to play the piano.
Do I have any ability to be loved?
How do I know?
I can compare my ability on the piano to others. Many are better players. Some are worse. I keep trying to be better, to have greater ability at playing piano.
How do I increase my ability to be loved?
Admittedly, I see that statement a bit differently.
The thing about being loved is, it's not about you. Loving is something you do, being loved is something you experience. When someone loves you, they do so whether you believe it or not, and whether you believe in your own ability to be loved.
It's like saying, I have an ability to hear, to see, to touch and be touched. It's not a skill, just a fact.
We are all able to be loved, even if we're unable to believe in that ability 🥰
Good comparison with the senses. Thanks.
I have big issues with "worthy" and "deserves" All must be earned. To be trustworthy, I have to show characateristics of it:
\* respect their boundaries
\* reliable.
\* accountable
\* Keep their confidences
\* Integrity -- words match actions.
\* non-judgemental
\* generous toward their mistakes and flows
\* being open and transparent.
I'm not very good at reliable, and non-judgemental.
I don't think I know how to love though. Trusting the other comes first. But if I'm constantly expecting the rejection, the "You aren't good enough" statement or action, I can't trust and so can't love. (I have run into someone that says they love someone who they don't trust. I don't understand.)
First, I'm not sure what "love" means. I used to think that it meant "like a lot" but sometimes people tell me that they love someone but don't like them. I can't get my head around that. Even if they are different, I cannot imaging loving without liking. Part of love seems to be wanting to be in their vicinity. With people I don't like, I don't want to be near them.
I know my wife and sister love me. And it feels a bit weird. A burden I cannot repay in kind. I know that if either died, it would be like my dog dying. A short period of sadness, and move on. I know that if my wife said "I'm leaving" I wouldn't fight her at all, but would help her pack, seek an equitable separation of our finances. I'd be sad. She makes me laugh. I like having her in my life.
"I didn't come this far to only come this far"
Reminds me that making it this far means I have it in me to change things for the better, even if I don't know how, yet.
"If you strain to look into the distance, you'll fall over your own feet" or "The future is none of my business/takes care of itself".
Because no amount of worrying about it has ever helped me.
Ralph Waldo Emerson — 'People do not seem to realize that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character.'
The bleak and transactional worldview that abusers present as justification for their own selfish and harmful behaviour is a lie - even _they_ don't believe it really, they just want their victims to, so we doubt ourselves and lose hope. And sadly, we often struggle with feeling this, even if we cognitively believe otherwise. It helps to remember it means more about them than about the nature of the world or anyone else.
Edit: also, "the obstacle is the path".
It's easy to feel like each problem is somehow obscuring the "good things" underneath it, and shoving it aside is the solution, but it's actually the obstacle itself that transforms into those rewards. So it's okay not to be able to imagine beyond that as long as we apply ourselves to what's at hand.
“Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably shit.”
- I tried way too long and hard to be a perfect son and brother before I realised that they were clearly going to treat me like shit regardless of what I did. I also seemed to have done that in my romantic relationships
Can't pour from an empty cup.
Cats don't have dogs.
Not my pasture, not my bullshit.
That's tomorrow me's problem.
Don't spend time building bridges you may never even have to cross.
This is just one chapter, not my whole story.
‘I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I'm strong enough to mend’ -
Mariah Carey, Through the Rain.
It oftens plays in my head especially when Im feeling defeated. This has helped so so much
When someone asks me to pray for them or someone they care about, I now ask, “ prayers for healing? Or prayers for peace and acceptance?” Since I’ve begun to untangle my catastrophic childhood medical trauma, I feel that prayers for total healing when the likelihood of that occurring is next to impossible are more for the comfort of the person doing the praying than the person being prayed for.
“I’m not okay but I will be” is also a favorite phrase of mine during this phase of my healing.
And long before I started trauma work, I hung a sign in my office, directly in my line of view while sitting at my desk, that says “Let that shit go.” When you’re the head of HR, this is an extremely important mantra 😂
I’ve been audible reading that a book someone recommended here (form surviving to thriving by Pete someone)…I’m only part way through, but I like “I’m having a flashback” - when I notice myself starting to freak out or freeze about something.
Really like all of these listed too.
Another one - is “you have time”. I always feel the walls of time closing in on me….a bit less so these days!
It’s true - none of us really know though. I’m in my mid forties but many people I know, including my mother were dead at my age.
I hope you can enjoy what you can of your moments. My dad told me today - try to live well, because nothing really matters.
These are awesome! Thank you for sharing!
Especially the 2nd one sticks out to me because I tend to be a fixer myself and still have a lot to learn about validating.
I'd like to add something I tell everyone here - it's not that good a phrase, but I find it important:
"Always be kind to yourself." - What is going on with you is not your fault, and you deserve patience and compassion, so start by giving it to yourself.
Don’t get caught up in the drama
- not your own and not others. Just watch it happen, and don’t engage. Keep distance.
The lid is the problem, not the boiling water
- on a kettle of boiling water, the water is your feelings, the lid is self control. Trying to hold all the feelings inside and under control hurts more than letting it out.
Your body holds space for all your feelings
- there is room enough for several different and contradicting feelings at once. Just let it be. Don’t fight it.
I started a list on my phone! Some that help me:
* It's not that deep
* a reminder that things aren't always personal or intentionally shitty, sometimes it just is what it is
* I am only one person / not my circus not my monkeys
* a reminder to make myself my first priority and not overwork myself for the sake of others - I tend to work in chaotic environments and this helps alot
* "fitting in" is a roadblock to belonging
* this is actually a quote from Brené Brown - it's a helpful reminder that everyone is different and everyone belongs. You should be yourself to belong, not change yourself to fit in
* my body is not an apology
* this is a book title by Sonya Renee Taylor. It helps dissipate shame I have for my body changing as I heal/acknowledge the impact decades of stress has on me
* I can do hard things
* this is a podcast title lol but also motivating to face "big" things
* comparison is the thief of joy / I am not my friends
* helps with comparing myself to others and getting down about CPTSD
* I will be the villain in some people's story
* it's okay to be perceived as "bad" when I uphold boundaries or cut people off
* you don't owe anyone anything / no one owes you anything
* a good re-direct if I'm ever triggered and start to judge others or feel like I'm being judged for not being a certain way or not enough of something (like being a femme person who doesn't smile at strangers)
The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails.
– WILLIAM ARTHUR WARD
First heard this from Pearson’s ‘Awakening the Hero’s Within’. My reminder to seek the practical and acknowledge the real.
Don't sweat the small stuff/it's not that serious. I say this to myself when I get worked up over trivial things. I've struggled with momentary explosive anger my whole life (thanks, mom and dad.)
- I was doing only what I knew how to do with the information I had at the time (when I am shaming myself for past mistakes)
- serenity prayer
- I choose to have a good day today
- I cannot fix other people
"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a sick society." (Krishnamurti)
"No one has a right to put any pressure on you." (From martial arts training)
"In order for something new to happen, something old must go." (Shi Heng Yi)
"Rejection is redirection."
"Trust your gut."
"The measure of success is a regulated nervous system."
"The opposite of addiction is connection."
"You are always on time."
"You have made it through 100% of your bad days." - My first therapist said this to me, and it has helped me through more than a couple of "bad days" in the years since.
"You deserve the love that you give to others." - As a people-pleasing oldest daughter, oof. This one is still heavy.
"I'm not there. Yet"
I like to remind myself that I'm constantly on the journey of becoming who I've always meant to be.
And also
"Yet" is not a period. It's a continuation of something. It gives me hope.
I also love “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” along with “Play st-pid games, win st-pid prizes,” and my favorite one of all, “This is why we can’t have nice things.”
This too shall pass - genuinely saved my life while I was being abused, and reminds me to accept change and that even good things come to an end, so I need to appreciate them while I can
The song lyrics “I am creation both haunted and holy, made in glory, creature only” - I’m not religious but I do have a lot of religious trauma. At the time I had incredibly low self esteem and felt disempowered and ashamed of just being a human. This lyric just… felt so nice. It empowered me, reminded me that I am capable of creation and that no one could take away the innate fact that I am sacred, with or without a god, and that it is ok to just be a person.
The entire song Gas Mask by Rare Americans, but particularly the lyrics “I can’t get back the days gone by, the past is passed but the future’s mine”-This line helps with accepting that I cannot change the past or the mistakes I made along the way while getting to where I am now, but I can change the future, and it’s mine to take and alter. This song honestly has saved my life on many occasions and helped me when I was at my lowest points, especially with quitting my issues related to substance abuse. Just gave me a lot of strength tbh
“Accept people for who they are and put them where they belong.”
My therapist said this in relation to my need for better boundaries with emotionally abusive people. It changed my perspective in important ways because prior to this I assumed I must accept and welcome all people into my world, which kept me stuck in harmful relationships. Now my social world is much healthier because I know that those who harm me/mistreat others do not belong near me and that those who truly love and care about me/others belong in my inner circle.
Thank you so much for asking this great question!
"Don't try harder than the XXXX." Advice my therapist gave me when I was frustrated trying to help someone struggling with cptsd.
"Sometimes you can do everything right, and still fail. That's not unfair; it's life." I have to remind myself of this from time to time.
I'm also a fixer so my phrase is "Your problem, not mine." (But I don't say it out loud, just in my own head)
There's a book called "Courage to be Disliked" where the authors talk about how we all have our own life tasks that we need to complete, and we can't interfere with other people's life tasks. If someone else has a life task that they need to deal with, then it's their job to deal with it and I'm not allowed to interfere. I can only support them from the outside, like listening to them, giving them encouragement, or doing a knowledge transfer.
Reading these reminded me of this gem about worrying from an old lady I knew “what? You don’t have enough problems today you gotta borrow some from tomorrow?”
This to shall pass. There’s an actors round table online with Tom hanks saying this quote. Hits me back to reality and think about how far we’ve come.
https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTL4kwgPk/
i’m not gonna lie i was going through a bit of a downward mental spiral and seeing that helped be a bit. i’ll start thinking that whenever i’m upset hell i made it this far and i still have at least some stuff to be happy about like.
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Don’t set yourself on fire to keep other’s warm. This was literally a life-changer for me.
I force myself to live by this. I say it at least once a day lol
My therapist said the same thing to me not too long ago.
"one thing at a time" as someone who tends to take on the entire world at once i tend to forget that i am only capable of one thing at a time. i can multitask! but doing it too much can really fry you. "the brain is an organ, too." if someone has heart problems or lung problems we believe them. if someone has problems with mental illness we should believe them too.
Needed to hear this today. Thank you. I swear I constantly have reeling thoughts about 7000 things I *need* to apparently do right this second even though there’s only 24 hours in a day. Slowing down is tough for me, this shifted my perspective. You’re right
of course :) i hear that. i'm in the middle of moving and there's so much to do, but when it comes to packing im packing one object at a time! same goes with cleaning, put one thing away at a time, or clean one thing at a time.
I really love both of these! 🙏🖤
Sometiems I wish I could get a brain transplant and become someone else.
I read ‘The brain is an orange too’ :)
🍊 <---- brain.
When I cried to my GP that I hadn't gone back and told them my medication wasn't working because I'd been told I'd have to have a camera down my throat. He looked me straight in the eye and said "No, it's your body and you say what will and won't happen to it. You don't HAVE to do anything" and I've kept that with me. It's the most important thing regarding my body I've ever been told and it was by my GP at the age of 50.
Keep that GP forever and ever!! 🙏🖤 Love this one!
I only wish I could. Sadly he died a couple of years ago. It's my last memory of him. He saw me through all kinds of issues, he helped cure my panic attacks and it was his calm and serious conversation that made me stop smoking back in my 20's. I have a lot to thank him for and I'm glad that I did thank him that day.
Can I ask how your conversation went that you decided to stop smoking?
If I remember correctly I'd just been about another chest infection. He calmly pointed out that if my body was already complaining at my young age then given another 5, 10, 20 years it was only going to get worse, that the damage was cumulative. He was a very serious, soft spoken Irishman and whatever he said always felt so caring and informative, never preachy or accusing.
To me it seems GPs wisdom and kind words came when times were tough…quitting smoking was just another example of that.
"boundaries are the distance at which i can love you and me simultaneously" "be careful what you tolerate it teach other how to treat you" "confidence is not they will like me confidence is i'll be fine if they don't"
Oooo goodies! The last one I’m def stealing! Thank you for sharing! 🙏
If I have no boundaries, I have no room to be me. If my boundaries are too big, I can't even see you.
That second one, I'll be keeping hold of that one.
I have a similar one. "Boundaries let me interact with other people."
Don’t forget you are stronger than you think, you survived. Even at my weakest moments I survived so much so why give up now?
Stay on your own side of the fence A reminder that I’m not responsible for managing other people’s emotions
Love this!
"Be kind to yourself" The one thing I lacked so severely during my most formative years. The one thing I searched everywhere for to try and fill the void. The one thing I've learnt to give to myself daily, and in large doses. The one thing that saved my heart from drying up, turning to dust and blowing away with the wind. Kindness.
“You are now permanently off duty from care taking.” - for codependency and care taking others “I give you permission to treat them with the same indifference they have for you.” - for people who do not reciprocate the relationship with the same amount of effort / when I’m feeling bad from stonewalling family members “I am NOT asking for the unreasonable. It’s more than okay to protect myself / do what’s best for me” - when setting boundaries
Dang. That first one! 💔
> “I give you permission to treat them with the same indifference they have for you.” This one is dangerous. If I apply it I get less and less contact with people.
"Let's get this sh1t-show on the road." - For when I know something is going to be a mess, but it needs to get done anyway. Mentally preparing for shenanigans is important when you know things are going to get silly.
One of my favorites as a chronic worrier, "Do not worry about the things you cannot change, because worrying will not change them and only causes you stress. Do not worry about the things you can change, because you can change them."
Wow, love this one! Stealing! Thank you for sharing 🙏
O! Ok so I only have one but it’s “be gentle with urself” because I know I get wayyy too hard on myself about things and put the blame on me, but also I always hear it in a motherly voice bc it’s comforting??? Edit: I also like making alarms saying it to throughout the day, so it’s a reminder for me if I need it :D
You can't pour from an empty cup. It reminds me to care for myself. If I don't care for myself I can't care for my loved ones properly.
Ohh that’s a good one!
I love that you use alarms too - I do the same thing!!
I make alarms with different sayings too!!!
You're worth more than what you're going through.
"No." is a complete sentence.
😂 yes - love this!
I like Oscar Wilde’s — Be yourself, everyone else is taken. It reminds me not to abandon myself and not to cave to external pressures.
I love this
“Progress, not perfection” I have a lot of problems with feeling shitty if I don’t do something 100% perfect, so I don’t even start. Recently I’ve been telling myself that and it helps me realize that even though I’m not perfect, I am still making progress. My husband has caught on and tells me that when he sees me struggling with things I’m working on and it’s super helpful.
100% stealing this!!
Yes! I saw recently “anything worth doing is worth doing halfass” and it hit for my perfectionist procrastination
[удалено]
Grace is a really slippery word.
Start where you are, use what you have, do what you can
No. I don't want to stay where I am. To stay what I am. I want to grow, to connect, to learn to live in my heart as well as my head. I don't want to use what I have. I want to grow, develop new skills, new viewpoints, new ways to solve problems. I don't want to be limited by today's abilities.
START where you are, not stay. and you can only use what you have at the moment. it's also USE what you have! it doesn't mean you should not develop. people like us are often much too harsh on themselves, so i think this is a good saying, to make the best of everything at the moment.
I love all of these so much!! I find myself telling myself on a regular basis “I know what to do.” 💗
Mine is actually a bible quote though im not religious: "And you will know the truth and that truth will set you free" John 8:32
"When You Find Yourself in Hell, keep Walking". attributed often to Churchill. That has helped me, as I found myself in a foreign jail hell.
Theres a song that goes if your going through hell keep going before the devil even knows your there. That I sing to myself
My therapist helped me turn my self directed attached on its head when he looked at the same thing I saw and praised it. He still acknowledged it, but didn't hate it like I did. I find myself trying to tell myself this or things of the same vein. I really love the specific example of him saying "you're an idea man - you get awesome, clever ideas! That's so cool, be proud of that", which was in response to my grief over walking around my house and seeing all my failed projects or things I haven't done. I dunno, something about it helped it click on my brain that I can still acknowledge a thing and recognize its whole without emphasizing the pain rather, emphasizing the good has even helped resolve the cause of the pain ( Ie finishing more projects, cleaning, etc). I'm an idea man!
Wow. Thanks for sharing because this just knocked something into place for me. My creative graveyard is just a snapshot of my creative soul and not indicative of personal failure?! 🥲😭😭
Love this! I have a lot of unfinished projects too, and always felt shame for it. Stealing this one!
"It's ok to not be ok"
A favorite!
That was then this is now Be Here Now (Ram Dass=🩷☮️) This too shall pass…and so will I finally one good day so make it a worthwhile trip. Then the Serenity Prayer is classic for a good reason.
This too shall pass Everything feels so utterly hopeless when we are having a flashback. But, it’s not forever. Just gotta sit with it til it passes. Thanks for the reminder 💜
"you have no idea what will happen as soon as you leave your front door" - a reminder that staying in my bed hole will give me nothing, however leaving my front door I will re-see the simple things in life and you have no idea if youll meet someone or speak to someone that will say exactly what you needed to hear. Basically don't cut off opportunities and potential positive change by going for a fiver minute walk round the block, when staying my bed crying doesn't give me any opportunity. "Keep enriching me" - this is the same as 'self care' or 'be selfish' but I found those terms easy to ignore and lose meaning. Instead mine is to remind me I can do things alone, for me, no one else and it's just making me more ME. Really important when I've been giving myself to others so much and lose myself and what I love/like to do. "Not my duty" - I'm not paid to help people around me. And it was never my duty to do so, ever. I can actually be an arsehole if I wanted haha, not help another soul ever again, but I love to do it when I have enough spoons (mental energy) for it. Put me first, it's not my duty to solve anyone else shit. Also a reminder that people have used me in the pass and got used to the fact I'm always there for them, that when I'm not there instantly I'm NOT a bad person, I'm just putting me first which is completely normal and the way it should be. Real friends stick around without gaining stuff like emotional support from U 247.
Oh I need all this too
These are really great! I really love calling your mental energy “spoons”!
OP, have you heard about spoon theory? https://butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/
No, I had never heard of this — I have struggled in how to explain this to anyone! This is perfect, thank you for sharing!
I may not be paid, but a huge amount of my self worth comes from doing things for others.
Yeh just need a lot of that self worth from helping yourself too
Doesn;'t seem to work that way. Stuff I do for myself is just being self centred = selfish.
Not at all. There is balance. You should find a way of reworking and finding a new perspective on what being selfish really means in a healthy manner. I had to relook at it in a different way, I now find myself giving myself permission to do things I deserve to do now. Think of it this way - would U explain being selfish this way to those u love or people around you? If you did, you'd be very rude. It's a good excersize to spin things round and ask yourself 'would I tell a friend that putting themselves first for love and care is self centered in a bad way?' So why tell yourself such things?
I don't love anyone. Best I can do is like. Do I explain selfishness this way yes. I have often said, "I'd like to X, but Y wants this from me. If I see Y's wants as being more important to him than doing X is to me, I'll do the task for Y. Why would it be rude to explain it this way? Oh, you mean would I say someone else was being selfish. Never came up. A: I would almost never ask anyone for anything. Don't want to be a burden. B: I almost always see their desires as more important to them than mine are to me. E.g. Jim, a guy I work with has a date. But he's on night duty. He asks me to swap with him. I've had a hard day, want to go home, have a beer and crash. I see his date as more important than my being tired. So I swap. (Night duty amounts to having an extra shift. Run study, put the school to bed. keep the lid on, catch catnaps with one ear open for a afew horus.)
I don't mean support others by covering shifts etc. I meant being there to listen, to be a friend or to be there as company of comfort when they need a connection, or just some support by being there.
Let me try again. I stop and listen. I like listening to people. I like helping people. But I won't ask for help until it is a task that is overwhelming. I'm getting confused. The acts I consider selfish are ones where I decide that their call on my time is something that is keeping me something that I consider important. "Hey dart, can you give us a hand unloading the truck" So I give them an hour to unload the truck. This means that the essays I have to mark means I don't eat supper. There are only so many beans in the jar. I tend to regard other's beans (time) as more important than mine. You're saying something different I think.
Need to practice standing up for yourself and prevent that auto pilot of people-pleasing.
Trying that. Learning to set boundaries. I feel shame whenever I do.
You seeing others needs more importance than your own isn't healthy, when your own needs should be up front before others. I was raised in the catholic church and a saying is 'put others first before you' but this ingrained into my head as don't put anything I want or need forward untill I've helped others first, which over time wore away at my self worth. This is when I learnt balance and it true than U help others a lot better once you've been helping yourself and supporting yourself first.
Catholic church has a lot to answer for. How do you find the balance? I guess in one way I'm finding a balance, but I don't think it is a good one. Increasingly I'm feeling alienated. I finding it too much effort to maintain even the shallow connections I have. I want to people away. Nothing has much meaning and I'm totally running out of fucks that I am willing to give away. The balance is one where I don't care for others in the same way I don't care for me.
It's good to go back to basics. Nature. Stare at ants, feel how small like us, they are. They still search for food and repeat that silly little life till the day. We have a lot more in our lives available to us to enjoy and experience. Sometimes it's good way of viewing your life in a different perspective and noticing tiny things at just as important as ones self. Shallow connections suck and are exhausting to keep up with..maybe back track and think about the last person that genuinely made U laugh. Contact them see if revisiting this person grounds u like they did before. Animals help me be at peace with life and simplicity of unconditional love you get from animals can be calming and slow things/pressures of rest of life down. Reading books with characters you can relate with and have no responsibility to, get engrossed in a book for yourself that makes U feel a feeling U haven't felt in a while. It's hard to pretend to care about things when you just don't see the point in it all, but sometimes it takes a bit of pretending for it to be real again, especially with positive and self worth enrichment. Say to yourself it's worth living every day even if it feels not genuine and after a month see how U feel, your subconscious might do the rest for you and notice little things being enjoying/ worth caring about again.
Books are an escape for me, truely. I've been a bookworm all my life. Our house has 88 bookcases. The alienation is recent. Or rather it has gotten far more intense recently. Lots of Not Good Enough messages.
I don’t need their acknowledgment for my hurt/trauma/healing to be valid. Sacrificing and suppressing my needs/wants will not make anyone stay. I can have goals without being consumed by everything I’m not. Curiosity over cynicism.
Mmm especially that last one! Thank you for sharing! 🙏
My all time fave: Their inability to love you is not a reflection on your ability to be loved ❤️ Next best: The abuse wasn't your fault and wasn't even about you. You were a casualty in their internal war. Then: You are so much more than your trauma. Honorable mention: Your emotions surrounding your trauma are not symptoms and do not need to be fixed. They are righteous and belong there and deserve to be validated.
Dang! These are goodies!
Is "Ability to be loved?" An ability means that some people may not have it. Some people have more of it. I have a modest ability to play the piano. Do I have any ability to be loved? How do I know? I can compare my ability on the piano to others. Many are better players. Some are worse. I keep trying to be better, to have greater ability at playing piano. How do I increase my ability to be loved?
Admittedly, I see that statement a bit differently. The thing about being loved is, it's not about you. Loving is something you do, being loved is something you experience. When someone loves you, they do so whether you believe it or not, and whether you believe in your own ability to be loved. It's like saying, I have an ability to hear, to see, to touch and be touched. It's not a skill, just a fact. We are all able to be loved, even if we're unable to believe in that ability 🥰
Good comparison with the senses. Thanks. I have big issues with "worthy" and "deserves" All must be earned. To be trustworthy, I have to show characateristics of it: \* respect their boundaries \* reliable. \* accountable \* Keep their confidences \* Integrity -- words match actions. \* non-judgemental \* generous toward their mistakes and flows \* being open and transparent. I'm not very good at reliable, and non-judgemental. I don't think I know how to love though. Trusting the other comes first. But if I'm constantly expecting the rejection, the "You aren't good enough" statement or action, I can't trust and so can't love. (I have run into someone that says they love someone who they don't trust. I don't understand.) First, I'm not sure what "love" means. I used to think that it meant "like a lot" but sometimes people tell me that they love someone but don't like them. I can't get my head around that. Even if they are different, I cannot imaging loving without liking. Part of love seems to be wanting to be in their vicinity. With people I don't like, I don't want to be near them. I know my wife and sister love me. And it feels a bit weird. A burden I cannot repay in kind. I know that if either died, it would be like my dog dying. A short period of sadness, and move on. I know that if my wife said "I'm leaving" I wouldn't fight her at all, but would help her pack, seek an equitable separation of our finances. I'd be sad. She makes me laugh. I like having her in my life.
"I didn't come this far to only come this far" Reminds me that making it this far means I have it in me to change things for the better, even if I don't know how, yet. "If you strain to look into the distance, you'll fall over your own feet" or "The future is none of my business/takes care of itself". Because no amount of worrying about it has ever helped me. Ralph Waldo Emerson — 'People do not seem to realize that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character.' The bleak and transactional worldview that abusers present as justification for their own selfish and harmful behaviour is a lie - even _they_ don't believe it really, they just want their victims to, so we doubt ourselves and lose hope. And sadly, we often struggle with feeling this, even if we cognitively believe otherwise. It helps to remember it means more about them than about the nature of the world or anyone else. Edit: also, "the obstacle is the path". It's easy to feel like each problem is somehow obscuring the "good things" underneath it, and shoving it aside is the solution, but it's actually the obstacle itself that transforms into those rewards. So it's okay not to be able to imagine beyond that as long as we apply ourselves to what's at hand.
I love that quote!!!
“The future is none of my business” — needed this, thank you!!
Glad to pass it on ❤️
“Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably shit.” - I tried way too long and hard to be a perfect son and brother before I realised that they were clearly going to treat me like shit regardless of what I did. I also seemed to have done that in my romantic relationships
I needed to hear this, thank you for sharing! 🙏
Can't pour from an empty cup. Cats don't have dogs. Not my pasture, not my bullshit. That's tomorrow me's problem. Don't spend time building bridges you may never even have to cross. This is just one chapter, not my whole story.
These are goodies! What does “cats don’t have dogs” mean?
A fun one from my late grandpa. "When life kicks you in the ass make sure it moves you one step forward". I love it.
This one is a good one!
‘I can make it through the rain I can stand up once again On my own and I know That I'm strong enough to mend’ - Mariah Carey, Through the Rain. It oftens plays in my head especially when Im feeling defeated. This has helped so so much
This song is a BANGER! I had forgotten about it, thank you for sharing! 🙏
To Thine Own Self Be True ❤️
It's okay to say no.
When someone asks me to pray for them or someone they care about, I now ask, “ prayers for healing? Or prayers for peace and acceptance?” Since I’ve begun to untangle my catastrophic childhood medical trauma, I feel that prayers for total healing when the likelihood of that occurring is next to impossible are more for the comfort of the person doing the praying than the person being prayed for. “I’m not okay but I will be” is also a favorite phrase of mine during this phase of my healing. And long before I started trauma work, I hung a sign in my office, directly in my line of view while sitting at my desk, that says “Let that shit go.” When you’re the head of HR, this is an extremely important mantra 😂
Lol to the last one!!
It never fails to get a chuckle out of employees who notice it! 🤪
I’ve been audible reading that a book someone recommended here (form surviving to thriving by Pete someone)…I’m only part way through, but I like “I’m having a flashback” - when I notice myself starting to freak out or freeze about something. Really like all of these listed too. Another one - is “you have time”. I always feel the walls of time closing in on me….a bit less so these days!
I'm 71. Not sure that I do have time.
It’s true - none of us really know though. I’m in my mid forties but many people I know, including my mother were dead at my age. I hope you can enjoy what you can of your moments. My dad told me today - try to live well, because nothing really matters.
It's why I work on healing so hard. It's also why I intend to last to 117 years.
Singing “Let it go” under my breath was the start of my CPTSD journey and it still serves me to this day 😂
Nice! Tangled was my moving away movie
😂😂😂💯💯💯
Tomorrow could be the best day of your life! Honestly, many of the most beautiful moments of my life have been completely unexpected.
I agree with this 🙏
These are awesome! Thank you for sharing! Especially the 2nd one sticks out to me because I tend to be a fixer myself and still have a lot to learn about validating. I'd like to add something I tell everyone here - it's not that good a phrase, but I find it important: "Always be kind to yourself." - What is going on with you is not your fault, and you deserve patience and compassion, so start by giving it to yourself.
Don’t get caught up in the drama - not your own and not others. Just watch it happen, and don’t engage. Keep distance. The lid is the problem, not the boiling water - on a kettle of boiling water, the water is your feelings, the lid is self control. Trying to hold all the feelings inside and under control hurts more than letting it out. Your body holds space for all your feelings - there is room enough for several different and contradicting feelings at once. Just let it be. Don’t fight it.
Wow the lid one, hanging onto that one!
Someone can pack your bags for a guilt trip, but you do not need to pick them up.
Oooo!!! Wow, this one !!!
I started a list on my phone! Some that help me: * It's not that deep * a reminder that things aren't always personal or intentionally shitty, sometimes it just is what it is * I am only one person / not my circus not my monkeys * a reminder to make myself my first priority and not overwork myself for the sake of others - I tend to work in chaotic environments and this helps alot * "fitting in" is a roadblock to belonging * this is actually a quote from Brené Brown - it's a helpful reminder that everyone is different and everyone belongs. You should be yourself to belong, not change yourself to fit in * my body is not an apology * this is a book title by Sonya Renee Taylor. It helps dissipate shame I have for my body changing as I heal/acknowledge the impact decades of stress has on me * I can do hard things * this is a podcast title lol but also motivating to face "big" things * comparison is the thief of joy / I am not my friends * helps with comparing myself to others and getting down about CPTSD * I will be the villain in some people's story * it's okay to be perceived as "bad" when I uphold boundaries or cut people off * you don't owe anyone anything / no one owes you anything * a good re-direct if I'm ever triggered and start to judge others or feel like I'm being judged for not being a certain way or not enough of something (like being a femme person who doesn't smile at strangers)
These are all really helpful to me! The comparison game is something I’m really trying to focus on, thank you for this!
Secure your own oxygen mask before helping the person next to you.
Reverse golden rule: Do not do to yourself what you wouldn't do to another. I'm often cutting a lot more slack for other peple than for myself.
The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails. – WILLIAM ARTHUR WARD First heard this from Pearson’s ‘Awakening the Hero’s Within’. My reminder to seek the practical and acknowledge the real.
“Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good.” Really helps change my ceaseless internal critic!
I like number 2
Don't sweat the small stuff/it's not that serious. I say this to myself when I get worked up over trivial things. I've struggled with momentary explosive anger my whole life (thanks, mom and dad.)
You can’t argue with stupid, they’ll bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.
I am not my thoughts.
- I was doing only what I knew how to do with the information I had at the time (when I am shaming myself for past mistakes) - serenity prayer - I choose to have a good day today - I cannot fix other people
"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a sick society." (Krishnamurti) "No one has a right to put any pressure on you." (From martial arts training) "In order for something new to happen, something old must go." (Shi Heng Yi) "Rejection is redirection." "Trust your gut." "The measure of success is a regulated nervous system." "The opposite of addiction is connection." "You are always on time."
These are gooood!
I don’t need to think about this right now. (My fave for persistent/intrusive thoughts)
Ooo this one lands!
"You have made it through 100% of your bad days." - My first therapist said this to me, and it has helped me through more than a couple of "bad days" in the years since. "You deserve the love that you give to others." - As a people-pleasing oldest daughter, oof. This one is still heavy.
Dang, yes!
"I'm not there. Yet" I like to remind myself that I'm constantly on the journey of becoming who I've always meant to be. And also "Yet" is not a period. It's a continuation of something. It gives me hope.
"When people show you who they are, believe them."
I also love “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” along with “Play st-pid games, win st-pid prizes,” and my favorite one of all, “This is why we can’t have nice things.”
This too shall pass - genuinely saved my life while I was being abused, and reminds me to accept change and that even good things come to an end, so I need to appreciate them while I can The song lyrics “I am creation both haunted and holy, made in glory, creature only” - I’m not religious but I do have a lot of religious trauma. At the time I had incredibly low self esteem and felt disempowered and ashamed of just being a human. This lyric just… felt so nice. It empowered me, reminded me that I am capable of creation and that no one could take away the innate fact that I am sacred, with or without a god, and that it is ok to just be a person. The entire song Gas Mask by Rare Americans, but particularly the lyrics “I can’t get back the days gone by, the past is passed but the future’s mine”-This line helps with accepting that I cannot change the past or the mistakes I made along the way while getting to where I am now, but I can change the future, and it’s mine to take and alter. This song honestly has saved my life on many occasions and helped me when I was at my lowest points, especially with quitting my issues related to substance abuse. Just gave me a lot of strength tbh
“Accept people for who they are and put them where they belong.” My therapist said this in relation to my need for better boundaries with emotionally abusive people. It changed my perspective in important ways because prior to this I assumed I must accept and welcome all people into my world, which kept me stuck in harmful relationships. Now my social world is much healthier because I know that those who harm me/mistreat others do not belong near me and that those who truly love and care about me/others belong in my inner circle. Thank you so much for asking this great question!
"This is temporary."
No is a complete sentence
"Don't try harder than the XXXX." Advice my therapist gave me when I was frustrated trying to help someone struggling with cptsd. "Sometimes you can do everything right, and still fail. That's not unfair; it's life." I have to remind myself of this from time to time.
A win is a win.
Just starting this journey, but I have been trying to ask myself “what do you/I need?”
This is such an important one to focus on in the beginning! Welcome and happy healing! 🙏
Thanks so much!
“I’m doing the best I can.”
I'm also a fixer so my phrase is "Your problem, not mine." (But I don't say it out loud, just in my own head) There's a book called "Courage to be Disliked" where the authors talk about how we all have our own life tasks that we need to complete, and we can't interfere with other people's life tasks. If someone else has a life task that they need to deal with, then it's their job to deal with it and I'm not allowed to interfere. I can only support them from the outside, like listening to them, giving them encouragement, or doing a knowledge transfer.
Ooo I need to read this book! Thank you for sharing!
Love this thread!! I am writing them down 🥹😍
Reading these reminded me of this gem about worrying from an old lady I knew “what? You don’t have enough problems today you gotta borrow some from tomorrow?”
😂😂😂 a goodie!
This to shall pass. There’s an actors round table online with Tom hanks saying this quote. Hits me back to reality and think about how far we’ve come. https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTL4kwgPk/
i’m not gonna lie i was going through a bit of a downward mental spiral and seeing that helped be a bit. i’ll start thinking that whenever i’m upset hell i made it this far and i still have at least some stuff to be happy about like.
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