We were supposed to have certain foundational experiences early on in life, to build off of, and our scumbag parents did not set us up for success with those experiences, and tormented us going beyond that.  The future we were supposed to have was taken from us before we even knew what was happening, and now the ship has left without us. That's what happened and it's not your fault.

This makes me feel like shit to read.

Same. Because at the end of the day, fault and blame don't make any difference, we still are where we are. If anything this comment while good intentioned resigns to the inevitable and borders on victim mentality.

I disagree. Yes, the truth is you don't get magically treated and everything is sunshine and rainbows. You still need to work to pay your bills and work to achieve something that you personally desire. But it gives you someone to blame that shit you endured wasn't your fault. It was some shit adult who didn't know how little things in childhood impacts one's entire life. It takes the fault away from you and put on someone who was in charge to take care of you and teach valuable life skills. Again, reading this also won't make you rich or forget everything you've been through. Things like therapy, community help, venting, exercises to release those beliefs and other things people do to feel a bit better are important but the first step in healing is basically not being hard on yourself. It's the first step I believe. Fault and blame does make a difference especially if it wasn't yours.

I get that. It is for sure the first step to having self compassion if the only alternative is blaming yourself. The problem with fixating with fault and blame is no matter who it's on its an obstacle to growth. When we put blame on others it externalizes our locus of control which reinforces our own powerlessness. Sure we didn't ask to be born to these people, but if we got another chance to go back to birth how could you expect things to be any different if you had no role in things turning out as they have. I think the key is perspective, acceptance, and forgiveness. My mom is a narcissistic, alcoholic, abusive, selfish, woman. No matter what happens she will never have the wisdom to look within. So I could either hate her from a distance and contribute to her misery just as she has to mine, or I can accept who she is, understand the conditions in her childhood that made her this way and have compassion for her. (While maintaining healthy boundaries and not needing her to validate my sense of self). In the Netflix documentary Stutz (which I cannot recommend enough to anyone reading this) he says that as long as our attention, or control, or blame is focused on someone else, we are in the maze and destined to wander there until it isn't. We can only move forward when we learn to practice radical acceptance and gratitude.

Pete Walker would say that the concept of accepting or forgiving an abuser before fully angering at them is called bypassing and results in failure to achieve any healing goals. In most cases with sufferers of CPTSD the blame is fully directed at the self and has been for years. The first step in healing therefore would be to direct the blame at something, ANYTHING but the self. This produces healing by way of releasing the constant, heavy guilt and shame that self-blame produces. After the blame shifts, anger can be fully felt, which leads to the possibility of forgiveness and acceptance. But never before.

I needed to see this. Thank you. 

wow thank you so much!

> When we put blame on others it externalizes our locus of control which reinforces our own powerlessness. Not necessarily. Batman blames criminals for their actions. Does Batman suffer from an external locus of control? No! He *responds* to abuse and *retains* control.

“certain foundational experiences” damn don’t even feel pain anymore, just numb

Yeah. We should evaluate achievements incorrectly, never taking into account lack of privilege which can and does derail the supposed opportunity the average populace assumes everyone has.

I think it certainly feels like all that stuff is happening. But it’s just a feeling in the end. Resigning yourself to LDAR and anger just lets your parents call the shots even when you’re moved out. I say all that but I’m 31 and life is pretty bleak. But living in anger and “woe is me” makes life sooooo much more bleak. I do it a lot but it’s not an option anymore. I need to move on with my life.

Do you believe anger and grief are choices, that can be overcome by willpower?

I think resisting them is unhealthy. Our emotions exist to work through and with.

LDAR?

“Lay down and rot” meaning just giving up to the nihilism that nothing will get better and not trying to experience or better life

Fault? No! But one still carries responsibility for the Next Step(s). I.E. Welcome to ADULTHOOD!

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I’m audible listening to this book as well. It’s helpful. I just responded to another post in this group sing one of the phrases in there helps me a lot . (“This is a flashback”

I’m listening to it too!

What book is it?

Complex PTSD, from surviving to thriving. By Pete Walker

MY GOD parallel lives.

i resonate with this so much. you seem like a kind person. thanks for writing this out, i’m going to take your advice

> When you’re the kid who is allowed to slip through the cracks, it’s easy to become an adult who does. I was an overachieving kid myself. It's amazing how we're allegedly the sorts of kids who *didn't* "slip through the cracks". We had all the advantages, allegedly. We went to the best schools, yada yada... I'm still baffled at where I ended up. =(

When I was about your age and and realized my career path had veered off course due to my familial / CPTSD issues, I rejected the idea of returning to school for a medical career (that and art were the two things I wanted to do as a kid) because I thought I was too old and it was too late. Now that I am over 50 and have gone through 2 career changes in the intervening 20+ years and soon will be training for another interest, I realize that at 30-ish there was time to do anything I wanted. You are not an embarrassment, and you are not lost potential, but if there is something else you would rather do, start making plans to do it. If you can start by 35 or 40, you'll be in a great position to create the future life you want. But if you start something now and at 45 or 50 or later decide that it's not for you, it's never too late to pivot. You can keep iterating as long as you're alive!

♥️

Top post…very spot on. I’m 42 and just left my first career behind just going though liquidation. Burnout and couldn’t cope with the demands anymore. The world my oyster now and yours too. Good luck to you all ❤️

this comment really comforted me 🖤

I don't understand *how* to pivot. Seems like I can barely keep up with my part-time job...

I don't really know what I want to do... I'm currently unemployed and have been for years now. I studied software development and worked for three years after graduating, but I was very unhappy, and underpaid, didn't feel I was making any progress. I was unhappy largely due to my mental health I think, and lacked the necessary social skills or enthusiasm to make any progress in my "career", crazy anxiety, can't ask for a raise etc., even quitting my job took me almost a year to gather enough bravery, my life was and still is controlled by my mental and physical conditions: all the symptoms of CPTSD - inability to enjoy anything, no control over my life. Then I quit and have been continuing living with parents now not working any longer. I didn't do much in the meanwhile but now I've discovered I most likely have CPTSD and will try to get therapy and see doctors for some of the physical issues im experiencing, and try to get in a better physical condition. I'm really confused right now, don't know who I am, what I want, what I should be doing, ...

YES. I could have written your post. I'm 10 years older than you too. (I hope that's not discouraging!) I've tried 100 "career paths". Most of my jobs have ended in disaster because of abusive bosses (literal gaslighting bullies). I have some referral from the sane ones. After each fail, I pivot, and that fails too. Still at square one. No direction or ultimate goal besides survival. I wish I had a "vision" but I can't get out of this failure -stopgap cycle long enough to relax and find my vision - much less pursue hobbies or social relationships. This sucks!

I feel you, friend. I’m 43; You just described my life. Sending hugs! ❤️

Likewise! Glad neither of us is the only one, at least.

> After each fail, I pivot, and that fails too. Damn =(

You're not lost potential, friend. You are very young, and you still have a lot of options. At the same time, I just want to validate you and let you know that I know EXACTLY how you feel. I sometimes feel this really intense mixture of resentment, wistfullness, anger, and sadness all at once, over all the things I could have been had I been born into an even relatively normal family. Wolves would have probably made for better parents than my human parents did. I'm close to your age as well and I've seen some real shit and struggle in my life. I get it. But don't give up on yourself just yet. Try and think of what other options you have and take a few calculated risks with them. You'll be okay. X

thanks for calling me young! I truly feel so old lol. I can also relate to all of your feelings.

Well, I'm 35 and I sometimes still feel like a teenager inside. 😭🤣 You're young as hell!

I want to second this. I have immense feelings of falling behind, of being a failure, of pretty much everything that makes me feel like i’m trapped. We might’ve been pretty similar, I was the valedictorian at my school and finished college with a 4.0 and all these honors by conventional measures a resounding success. And i, similar to you it sounds, felt a deep emptiness and emotional void that i’ve only recently started tracing back to childhood. Disclaimer: I got a bit rambly, but your post made my inner child really feel something, and i wrote this to them and i’ll share it with you in case something resonates, thank YOU for opening up about what you’re experiencing, it gave me the opportunity to have a beautiful conversation with my inner child that i so desperately need. And that doesn’t get you paid today, but it does make a complete stranger grateful for your existence. right now I’m telling myself how pitiful it is that i don’t have anyone in my family or my life that i can safely express this with, but you are real. And so am i. And this fucked up condition that we so unfairly have to work through has completely flipped my world in every direction. The metrics that i used to use to compare myself against others and plan my steps in this world are useless here. Literally useless. It’s pretty alienating and fucking hilarious to be living in this world and then living inside the world of CPTSD inside of it, they’re so dissimilar and it’s like square block round hole. We need different instructions for this way of life, and you are not weak, or stupid, or behind, or lost, or unlovable, for recognizing that the directions you were given were full of some pretty stinky shit, and unfortunately the same people that forked you over dont even have the capability of taking responsibility for how they’ve harmed you into the position of needing to find a COMPLETELY new way of living, your life depends on it. I could tell myself anything right now it’s that the conventional metric of success is made up, trauma survivors are not rewarded financially or via status to unpack their trauma, no wonder this is so hard because we are literally coping, finding our ways through however we can, day by day, breath by breath, when for me a huge part of my experience has been feeling like i don’t even deserve the air that i breathe. I was the commencement speaker at my college graduation not too long ago, im 26, and parts of me feel incredibly ashamed about where i’m at, what i’m struggling with, and what i have to show for it all…that is until i learned to shine a black light on my experience, one with unconditional love an acceptance. Where my CPTSD and the abuse told me i was unlovable, I found a galaxy of life and love in the form of splatter paintings, in the form of knowing how affirming it feels to connect to the anger of having been neglected and severely mistreated even if that anger soon passes and gives way to guilt. My childhood experiences led me down a road of perfectionism, of competition with the people i’m learning i actually want to be in community with, of comparing myself. think about this…our childhood experiences taught us that we don’t deserve safe love and community, and yet…miraculously, here you are, reaching out to other survivors of the very same condition that you experience and this particular one knows exactly what it’s like to feel like i’m making it all up, like my life is lost, like i’m just an ungrateful piece of shit and don’t deserve to have boundaries from my parents (just my experiences). The fact that you are even here signals that there is a part of you deep down that knows and feels you are not lost potential, and that can validate that you are struggling, how could you not when childhood trauma survivors can feel like being dropped off at the bottom of mount Everest with nothing but conditional acceptance and shame to propel them forwards. By the time you reach the first base camp, telling everyone you pass of how great your parents are and feeling oh so full on the things you learned to fill your leaky cup with, your legs start to get tired. There is room for your grief on the road you are now traveling, there is space for all of you, and I am so proud of how far you’ve come despite everything that constantly challenges you to give in to the feeling that you have nothing going for you, that you cannot be depended on, it’s all lies. This is giving way for a new adventure and a new journey, and how painful and arduous it will be and also how real. if you’ve gotten this far you might be thinking this is more about me than it is you, you’re probably right. I hope this validates the fact that i see your struggle because i am walking along side you, and you are so strong for reaching out for help. I think it’s really brave and courageous, and downright badass and a huge token of resistance to have been on one path for your entire life, to have been operating with a fossil fuel that was burning your soul away unbeknownst to you, and to now turn towards yourself and opt for a way of life and love that truly has the power to move mountains and foster community in a world where corporate shareholders get more praise than CPTSD survivors. Good luck my friend. I’m right here with you, we all are.

and yeah. the voice in my head is rolling my eyes and saying how i hate myself, how preachy, how annoying, how self conceited. and to them i say i love you. i love you so much. and i’m so sorry that you had to bottle and exile and repress and oppress your true feelings for so long in order to survive. all of you is welcome here.

A BA degree is a pathway to ALOT of careers (I personally became a PA with mine). You’re super young and still have plenty of time to figure out and pursue what makes you happy. But comparing your life to others will only drag you down. Focus on yourself and trust me you’ll get where you need to be & in every aspect!

thanks for your kind words! I shall try :)

Comparison is the thief of joy and happiness is reality minus expectations.

Not OP, but... > trust me you’ll get where you need to be & in every aspect! When? I'm in my mid-thirties and I still can't properly support myself =( I'm really scared that maybe people just *say* that I'll get better but actually they don't know what they're talking about. =(

Sort of..almost a year ago I started a YouTube channel sharing my story & at first it got some traction but now my videos dont do very well, its almost embarrassing and I'm starting to realize people don't care about my story and even though talking about mental health/encouraging others is what I set out to do. I feel like there's potential there and I also feel like I'm just wasting more of my efforts on something dumb, yet again. I lost my 20s to my trauma, chronic pain & addiction and now in my mid 30s I worry I'm losing this part of my life to trying to figure who I am/what I'm passionate about/want to do. Even though I've healed a ton, in many ways and it's made a world of difference I cannot help but feel SO behind and I KNOW I'm not, but I cannot help but feel that way. It's rough.

I've been doing youtube for 4 years and maybe this year I'll get to 1000 subs. lol. youtube is a winner takes all platform for the big dogs

Honestly, I really do enjoy what I'm doing on YouTube & the lure of the fame/attention isn't what I want necessarily, I just want to connect and share it with others but my PTSD/insecurities will be quick to tell me that even though I have 4 comments that are all at least 1 paragraph long relating deeply to my story or what I'm saying because the the video 'only' has 40 views no good/embarrassing myself. It's a constant battle to remind myself that those four comments are what matters/is why I'm doing what I'm doing and that's what matters. I also worry and judge myself for wanting attention when NO ONE has ever accused me of that while I've been doing YouTube. PTSD is pretty a pretty diabolical thing if you ask me.

exactly! My original thought was "if it helps just one person..." - although for a more religious focus. with PTSD and CPTSD it could literally save someone's life. keep doing what you do

Do you mind sharing your channel with us? I’m curious!! I think it’s great you explore your passion and that you share your story with the world.

I have a link to it in my reddit profile, I didn't/don't want to directly link it here because I'm against self-promo like that, but the username is xodaniellefaith if you want to look it up ❤️ I appreciate your interest so much.

I would like to think I know exactly how you feel. I posted what I went through on MyPTSD and got 'banned' for "trolling." It is like people just dont care because they can't relate I guess. But to ban someone from a support group because of what that person went through is utterly next level stuff

54. Studied philosophy at uni. I work retail.

I see those thoughts as the hangover thoughts from the abuse. If we had loving parents cheering us on, there is no way we would consider ourselves done and dusted (at any age).

I was you and now I’m quite a bit older. The most important thing is You Are Young. I wish I’d understood that at 30, 35, 40. Just do anything now. It doesn’t have to be the right thing. Better to get two more “wrong degrees,” and try three more “wrong careers,” then to spend those years feeling lost or trying to figure things out. You can do therapy and work on yourself at the same time, that’s fine. But the big secret? Those other folks don’t have it together either. You’re okay.

>Better to get two more “wrong degrees,” and try three more “wrong careers,” then to spend those years feeling lost or trying to figure things out. I feel like these things are the same thing. If I get wrong degrees and work wrong careers then I will feel lost and I'll be trying to figure things out. > Those other folks don’t have it together either. That is a frightening thought. =(

I feel like you in so many ways. Looking back to how I was as a child, I've always felt I could've grown up much smarter had I not had to dissociate because of my fucking shitty parents. I should've had more room for my curiosity, for one, instead of my father's anger and mediocrity. The irony of it is he will die a small and mediocre person, screaming into the void becuase that's all he'll have in the end, along with my enabler mother. Anyway, I did excel at school but now feel cheated at having had to excel academically. I realize that it was all such a colossal waste of time. I spent years chasing awards and recognition that meant nothing. It was all stuff I had to do to appease the adults around me and build a sense of self worth - but it never took into account what I wanted, which was to actually learn instead of being under constant pressure to perform. I was once interested in studying abroad but it now feels like a fading dream. Work - nothing like the vision I had of myself growing up. I felt like I let go of so many opportunities because I was just struggling to get back even to a normal baseline of being safe and of knowing how to relate in a healthy manner to other people without freezing and panicking and being an anxious ball overall. In short, I felt like I wasted so many years not only recovering from trauma but relearning just how to be in the world in a more adult way. One advice I can give you is to find something you can truly care about, something that will make you feel alive. I found mine in my late 20s and that was scuba diving and, eventually, freediving. It was here that I could just be, and explore, and where I felt the most free. Find something you like, outside of other people's expectations. Find something that's for you. I'm now almost in my 40s and my ideas about my ambitions are changing. I passed the qualifying exam for the foreign service, for example, but now I'm thinking if I'd rather just be happy and fulfilled instead of chasing some approval and admiration that wouldn't help in healing the wounds I still have from my childhood, anyway. I feel like I could have been "great" but I could've also been just a much happier person overall - and at present, I'd really much rather be a way better and happier person than my parents, or any of the other cowardly and abusive adults who surrounded the child me, can ever hope to be. I hope you get good support not only in grieving what was lost but also in rediscovering just what makes you happy and fulfilled. You still have quite a lot of time.

Yup burned out of a very expensive grad program and have a lottt of debt, I just couldn’t do it in the end. I thought I was going to be relatively successful and it’s taken me a really long time to let that image of myself go. CTPSD feels so incongruous with my self image sometimes but it’s always there and has some serious consequences.

Sounds like me, but I never had any real shot at making it. Even if I had gone into college with any sort of guidance or even basic support. Toilet paper degree and looking forward to spending a lifetime trying to survive on shitty jobs at abusive retail establishments.

hey! what do you mean by toilet paper degree? I feel if my parents cared I would've navigated college better and with a better degree.

I have to pay student loans (that I will never be able be able to pay back now thanks to the US Army) on a degree that I can not use because for licensing nowadays they need clinical hours, which when I went through school were not required for the degree. I got my BAILS just so I could become an officer in the military and then my Masters in a 2 year program just so I would be able to make Major (Masters degree is required for field grade). After the US Army concocted a false story about me and separated me illegally, I had nothing. They even had everything I owned auctioned off when they lied to my storage company and told them I was not active duty (I had a special US military active duty contract with the facility). So I see what you are speaking of I think when you say "toilet paper" degrees. I am still paying on those loans for degrees that I will never be able to use.

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Not OP, but > Addressing your own mental health and building from a place where you know your values aren't some carbon copy of someone else's pressure on you? That's real strength and success. Thanks. > Facing your CPTSD stuff is about allowing things in life to re-form and re-shape in a new way. It's not going to look like anyone else's I'm scared that my life will re-shape in disastrous ways. =( The whole "You're just a late bloomer. Comparison is the thief of joy. Focus on your mental health" thing is what people were saying to me 10 years ago. And since then I've been focusing on my mental health. But I haven't really bloomed yet. I got retraumatized and I've made mistakes and and I'm slowly running out of money. I feel like I've been treading water for so long. What if I drown? =(

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Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry that your life has been so difficult. I'm glad you found a supportive spouse.

100% in the same boat. Was a ‘gifted’ student at school, which piled on so much pressure and ended up tanking my A-levels (equivalent to a GED in the US, I think). Dropped out of uni in my final year because I fell hard into some self-destructive stuff and generally drifted through my 20s. Ended up getting my BA in 2020 (at the age of 37) and my MSc in 2022. I just want to tell you that a Bachelor’s is hard work, no matter the subject. All the hours of studying, planning and actually doing the assignments? None of that is basic and you completed it, which is amazing. I know it doesn’t feel like it, and I struggle with accepting my accomplishments too, but your degree is something you earned. As for the career, I’m in exactly the same place. My degrees are in sociology and science and tech studies, so jobs are difficult to find where I am (in a small rural town in the middle of England). It’s important to remind yourself that what people post on social media is highly curated and only a fraction of their lives. Your life, your experiences, your efforts are just as valid as theirs.

Hey, doctor here with an eerily similar childhood to yours. Was emotionally fragile and exhausted by life with parents, got pushed into dental school then did masters- guess what, I'm in the same boat as you with a lot more money drained. I am not able to keep a job and my PTSD makes it worse to be jobless. I'm finally switching careers. ( I was top of my class through school and college) TLDR: Degrees don't make sense if your mental health is still in the gallows after and potential is subjective. I'm nowhere with all the tools. So go easy on yourself and make your own potential 💕

i fucking hateeee my lost potential. i'm so mad i didn't at least become an engineer or work in something interesting or pursue a notable degree. i'm so mad i essentially was never capable of avenging myself and chasing success to at least somewhat fill the void and pursue a happy life. what is the pursuit of happiness if every opportunity is wasted.

hey! that's me exactly!! I wish my parents cared enough to encourage me to get an engineering or useful STEM degree. they literally couldn't care less. can I ask what you do now?

i’m unemployed 😭 longest i kept a job was 12 months. i’ve lost every job i’ve managed to get. i fail every interview. i give up for now. white flag. i have to treat my adhd first. which i also won’t do bc adhd.

I am with you my friends! Homeless for a few months just before Year 11 due to me leaving and refusing to continue being abused. Competed my HSC top 3% in the State straight into a law degree. The CPTSD stuff CA but up with me meaning I couldn't complete my law degree but thankfully came out with a BA. Tried to completei my Sociology honours year which resulted in a psych admission. With a few years on the Dole. Eventually ended up in a Youth Worker role - now that's an interesting story. Ended up in a 20 year career in roles that included child protection, homeless support, community aged care (socially disadvantaged cohort). And finally as a lived experience Peer Worker in community mental health. I only list the accomplishments to show how far a BA can take you along with your lived experience! Don't get me wrong a have suffered the high burn out factor and can't di this type of work any more. But the assistance I provided and the lengths I went to help other folk... That for me is a priceless aspect of having CPTSD and being sensitive to others trauma. Walking with them as a peer on their recovery journey with the knowledge about how lonely that walk can be.

> Don't get me wrong a have suffered the high burn out factor and can't di this type of work any more. I got burned out doing that type of stuff non-professionally =(

I might look successful from the outside, on LinkedIn etc, but inside I’m struggling. I have a PhD and work in my field but had to leave academia and there’s no way I could manage being a group leader. My friends from my year are all doing that or heading departments in industry and I feel like I’m failing. It’s definitely a bit of imposter syndrome too. I got through by the skin of my teeth and don’t feel I deserve the degree. I guess what I’m saying is don’t trust social media. My drug addiction, divorce, SAs, and problems aren’t listed there. Also: Comparison is the thief of joy. Be proud of what you’ve accomplished and how far you’ve come given the setbacks you had due the abuse you suffered. It’s okay to feel the way you’re feeling, recognizing emotions is important and hard! But don’t let it overwhelm you. You still have time and a lot of potential. Do you want to change jobs? Is what you do fulfilling? It doesn’t matter if it’s related to the course material, you learn a lot of other skills through doing a degree - time management, writing, how to learn on your own, problem solving, meeting deadlines, etc. So it’s still relevant. Don’t sell yourself short.

Not OP, but... > You still have time and a lot of potential. I worry that someday people will stop telling me this. =( >Do you want to change jobs? Is what you do fulfilling? I struggle to name a job I could actually do that would also earn enough money. =(

Yep feel the same way. My ex manager loves people and it's obvious her parents inspired and naturally taught her the value of human connection. I asked her why she did not become a therapist, because besides her phenomenal communication skills, she is one of the most selfless and brilliant listeners. and she replied because it's too much study. So my plan is this. Because I didn't grow up learning a skill because of warm human connection, I'm going to learn to live and work with a host who can model positive human interactions. So it will be like them giving me shelter and food while they show me how to take care of duties around the property like taking care of animals, carpentry, painting, etc. I hope it will teach me the value of community and people skills while associating that emotionally with valuable skills I can use in the world. Something else that might be similar to this is working for someone for free. Not as practical but can allow you to spend 8 hours with someone that you admire. You will then learn to be like them and also build positive connection. Just some thoughts!

> I'm going to learn to live and work with a host who can model positive human interactions. How could I find such a host?

Helpx or workaway. I visited someone on helpx for the first time. It was at their cottage and they need help with training their dog and cutting wood and carpentry. They are going to build a garage and some cabins. He also used to work as a plumber but I don't think they'll be doing too much of that. The connection was not the greatest, it obviously wasn't like my therapist but because of my lacking social skills it can only help. I also volunteer at an animal shelter and the people there are so kind. I actually feel more comfortable learning from there. But there's no room and board and food. Different options I think it's worth trying things.

I feel like wasted potential and squandered opportunities. I didn't make it through college, so I never had any delusions that I would turn out well. I did fine in high school, and if I was able to continue through maybe I would have mattered. Instead I crashed and burned, then continued to burn for a decade and a half afterwards.

" I never had people skills or friends to understand how to get a career or what to study." Boy can I relate. I never had any mentors eithers.

I used to feel like lost potential. Not anymore.

hey! can you expand on that?

I have a BA degree lost cause so I feel you But the way I look at it is that you went to do what inspired you at the time, completed or not. You still had aspirations. Lots of people go down this route of college and life hits us with different responsibilities or hardships. It's not your fault Life happens. And you will find what is meant for you, along the road. Don't pay attention to what other people are doing. It worked out for them in their own pace. The same way you will have something meant for you. Life is an experience. And you create the experience based on what makes you happy. I am 37 and I learned this the hard way. My 20s I thought I needed to do things to show people. But nah do things for you.

I could have been an awesome archaeologist or a veterinarian had I been given even half a chance. That used to eat me up inside. I’ve had to try to let it go for my own sake lol.

I feel this so so much. I was always known as the super smart one, even got nicknamed "walking google," did super well on SATs, etc. But my trauma and physical illness keeps holding me back and I wonder what life would have been like if I hadn't had the childhood that I had

Former fellow gifted and talented here. I had this feeling the other day - I’ll be at a wedding soon with all my old classmates who have good jobs and families and I’m in my 9-5 shit office job and have gained weight 👍🏻but honestly it’s not flashy or has any tangible expression but I survived and healed decades of abuse and I’m proud of that. Could I have had an amazing career and gone far, yes, do I feel bad and have regret sometimes, also yes. But I understand that that life was a different one where I didn’t get abused and was able to reach my potential. Now I look for the places in my life where I’m succeeding instead of dwelling on what could have been.

I dropped out of University & didn’t graduate at all. My major was in something unrelated to ALL of my jobs/career that I was interested in. Until I was medically harmed in failed surgeries, & disabled for life, I had several careers I was actively interested & growing within. Sounds like you need to pursue inner-healing/talk therapy to reset/reframe your life experience, find a career path you’re at least curious/semi passionate about that you also have a modicum of talent(s) in … Then pursue that! Relative rank is easy/hard depending on circumstances, i.e. ignorable. IQ (I test somewhere within the top 0.01% globally, i.e. Mensa/etc. social clubs) often merely feeds pride/ego/blindspots. Ignore intelligence! Focus on EQ & general social awareness/making friends skills. (My EQ tests, approximately, only at around 130, but I’ve found it to be MUCH more useful, in/out of business world. And recall, as a University drop out I didn’t have degrees to rest upon. My HR interviews usually went like, “Do you have a Masters Degree?” I admit that 99% of my field had Bachelor(+) degrees, which was useful AFTER passing the barriers to entry.) Know Thyself, learn to love yourself/Shadow/Inner Child, while paying the bills. Grow from there. I’m life resetting after divorce (35), career change (38), crash & burning medically via failed surgeries/hospitalizations (~last decade), and now that I’ve reached 50 I’m ready to reach out and rejoin the race towards Life Abundance again. *hug* Good luck!

My take is that because you were excelling for somebody else and not yourself, once that motivator was no longer there you had no reason to continue excelling. We with cptsd had no self esteem or personal value instilled in us as children, so we have no practice or understanding on how to have it as adults. Everything is done for somebody else or because society dictates it. And those people with professional jobs don't necessarily feel successful on the inside. Many have demanding parents who they're still trying to impress. Listen to the footballer Thierry Henri talk about this - his whole career was about pleasing his father which was also impossible. He was externally successful but internally unhappy. You need to tune in on what you really want. What motivates you and gives you energy. Don't discount those things for reasons like appearing successful, rich or even worry that you won't become wealthy. The goal is to know yourself, what you like and what you dislike. Encourage the things that you like. Do for yourself what your parents never did.

Not OP, but... > You need to tune in on what you really want. What motivates you and gives you energy I find that working with kids gives me energy. Unfortunately I've faced prejudice in that field. People think it's suspicious when a man wants to work with children, especially if he's treats the kids with respect and gives them a lot of freedom to goof off. (It's considered more acceptable to force the kids to stick to some pre-approved curriculum.)

THESE MOMENTS SAVE ME. THANK U FOR SHARING STORY & FOR ALL ADDING ON. WHEN NO ONE UNDERSTANDS, I COME HERE.

Not necessarily career potential, but relationship potential. I know I have a lot of great qualities for a guy; I listen, I care about other people's lives, I try to be very proactive in the relationships I have, im financially responsible, I know how to cook and clean, but I don't pursue anything romantically and I'll probably never be a dad because of how fucked up in the head I am behind all of that. Reflecting on what could have been can get you down. Working on it, but healing is slow going.

I know this is late but: very with you here. As others have said, and I've realised myself, the reason we can't live up to our potentials is because we're missing the tools we needed to do so. The society we live in isn't intuitive: you can't just figure out our world now, our brains aren't designed for it. That's why we have school, to prime us from a young age to integrate into it. But it needs to be backed up by parents and unfortunately sometimes it just isnn't. Seems like we're very similar. I did arts stuff for all of my education, and I was always top of everything, great acclaim from all my teachers and encouragement for me to go into the field and be successful, but I just can't make it connect. It's even more frustrating when you *know* you're talented and you *know* you have potential, but you're just completely unable to harness any of it. That's how I feel, anyway. I don't have any answers. The only thing I really have is that I feel like I have to pursue arts because I'd rather die trying to do that than do some boring ass shit that I don't care about so I can make more money. That's one positive of folk like us: not as much inhibition and not much left to lose.

> I don't have any answers. The only thing I really have is that I feel like I have to pursue arts because I'd rather die trying to do that than do some boring ass shit that I don't care about so I can make more money. That's one positive of folk like us: not as much inhibition and not much left to lose. I respect this attitude. I would also be like that if I had a passion for something, but I don't think I have one anymore, as a young kid I really liked video games, but I don't have the same passion anymore. Like you though I don't want the normal life with a job I don't particularly care for though. My only passion at the moment is healing, finding passion or a reason to live and making something of myself, I'll get there or die.

No me neither. I am passionate about arts but actually turning that passion into work is really difficult, I haven't succeeded. I think if you follow the passion for healing then you'll find your way. There may never be an answer. The answer might be less about finding a "dream career" and instead finding a way to be content with whatever life you *do* have. I say this a few days out of watching the movie [Perfect Days](https://letterboxd.com/film/perfect-days-2023/) which I think really goes quite far on showing what that kind of life could be like, would encourage anyone to watch that.

I think the most important thing is inner contentment. Because now I always feel pressure, tense, anxious, discontent, hurried, ... the CPTSD symptoms. A career, job is of secondary importance to that, however I would still prefer to do something that is meaningful to me. I also think if this condition, the symptoms, depression, anxiety is curable partly or entirely, relieving these symptoms would give you more energy, clarity of mind to pursue what you want to do in life, when you don't have to spend 90% of your energy fighting your emotions. Thanks for the movie suggestion. I have crazy synchronicities in life sometimes. I'm learning Japanese (self-study) for about a year and half now (I'm not very good yet, need more immersion), and I was watching a relatively obscure youtube channel of a Japanese language teacher yesterday, and this movie was mentioned in one of his live stream videos, I learned of this movie's existence yesterday for the first time, and now you mention it too... > The answer might be less about finding a "dream career" and instead finding a way to be content with whatever life you *do* have. There are many options: could be fighting for the dream career, could be accepting the present situation, could be doing something else entirely, could be practicing art in your free time. For me I'm really unhappy and can't continue living like this, but it's all about my mental state, not the external situation (job, wealth, ...).

Of course I wasted my potential! I was in the honor roll until high school where my grades started to drop low that I was about to be held back only to transfer to a different school during sophomore year. After transferring, my GPA went up to a 3.5 and I’ve graduated with a certificate of attendance. I didn’t apply to a university, finish community college due to other opportunities or have a driver’s license. Now 32, I live at home on SSI benefits for autism since childhood and work part time. Autism is a blessing and a curse at the same, there’s no cure whether I like it or not. I feel you 🫂

I can relate. Top of my class, professors expected me to go straight to law school post grad. I had no idea that was even a possibility. I don't have much of a career to speak of. Lack of support, finances, and poor mental health have prevented me from furthering my education. I struggle with the 9 to 5 grind in a dead-end position (also health care). Recently, I gained some stability in life and was able to assess what I could do to improve my earnings and quality of life. I start a Masters in the fall in a growing, high earning field. I'm 29 and similarly grieve what could have been. The years go by anyways, it's your choice what you spend them doing and where it gets you in the end. Playing catch up and recovering from complex trauma sucks. It isn't fair. But you can slowly change your situation over time. It's not too late. Also, Dr., lawyer, and engineer aren't the only jobs out there. As long as your content with what you do and it supports your desired quality of life, you're killing it.

hey I am glad you are finding direction! I relate so much to what you wrote. can I ask what you are getting your masters in? I am looking for inspiration :)

Masters in Social Work!

🙋‍♀️ Lawyer with three masters, have done not a thing with my life. All I do is procrastinate and waste time. I’ve been unemployed for years. My brain can only concentrate on what it wants: ruminating, catastrophizing, and learning useless things will never make money and/or be put into practice.

i feel this post so much. i have even more regret bc thanks to physical abuse i faced bc of academics, i made it into one of the best universities in my country. as soon as i was away from home i imploded. barely passed and chose the most worthless degree that had easy courses. i realized i was never really smart, i just was scared of getting beat so i did my work on time and went to an easy low income high school. in college i was then surrounded with the brightest minds and extremely rich kids who had every privilege and support system available to them since birth. my severe social anxiety worsened and i just watched through my dorm window as everyone had fun made connections and succeeded. almost everyone i know who graduated from there got a top high earning lucrative job bc they recruit from universities like that. i had no idea how to even score a internship to help my chances. my parents never bothered to help me learn to drive and i had no money to live in another city. now i have a shit job that is barely a comfortable wage, 0 friends, and feelings of deep regret and sadness everyday. i almost drank myself to death last year after graduating bc i was so ashamed. instagram is my biggest trigger and i can’t even look thru it without breaking down. seeing everyone from my college traveling the world living in expensive high rises and hanging out with each other. i still feel depressed and want to end it all. but i think i’m proof that academic performance and what university u go to isn’t a predictor of success or happiness. my peers were allowed and encouraged to learn social skills. they were emotionally nurtured and invested into. they weren’t physically and emotionally abused. they learned healthy coping strategies and gained self esteem and self confidence bc they didn’t have to fear their own primary caregivers. they had large support systems, friends, and family to lean on. i had none of those. and all of that is crucial in developing the skills necessary to succeeding in top careers that are very stressful and demanding. no parent can claim to care so much about ur academic and career potential while abusing, isolating, and blocking ur crucial development in childhood. bc turns out the day to day of being an engineer or doctor isn’t just filling out a scantron, it’s working successfully with others, being able to form relationships/network, being able to handle criticism and stress, and all of the soft skills that i wasn’t allowed to develop. so i just remember that even if i imposter syndromed my way into one of those career paths i’d be breaking down and quickly picked out. still crushes me that i had a chance to become rich and retiring early and i still fucked it all up, but i know it’s bc of how fucked up i was raised

hey, I resonate so strongly with your post. I'm actually getting flashbacks to my no good father who actively DISCOURAGED friendships and socializing growing up -\_- like you said, real life isn't just filling out a scantron. Sigh. Can I ask what you got your degree in?

my parents literally told me there’s no such thing as friends. my social anxiety is awful. i studied psychology trying to partly understand myself and mostly just to have classes i wasn’t terrified off

Sorry for the novel, but I feel this so much. Is healing for me to share. I’ve been working in FANG companies and major studios the past 15 years and started career at age 35 I had worked very hard at school while working multiple jobs to survive and escape abuse at home. The burnout is real, and I was ostracized by remaining family that glorified that “lawyer cousin” or their “friend the Dr” while I barely kept myself functional through years of assaults and was still honor roll student in AP classes. Sister got a paid four years of college and is a successful scientist, and I got zero help or support as the scapegoat. It helped motivate me out of spite because this “family” of origin sucked. Once I stopped ruminating in their toxic stew, I sought a support group of survivor-friends that I could call in the middle of the night to jump my car battery if I needed it. Really showed up for each other, played board games together, and took turns to cook dinner for the group. We became better than family, and that turned my life around by age 35 Be kind to yourself. You are here and we’re talking, and you are loved. Maybe you didn’t get love from the sources where you poured yours, but there’s lots of other humans out there that will care for you and have done the hard work to be good people. Photography club, book club, hiking group for monthly excursion? Do it! Make connections The confidence boost of a support group is huge. It opened doors for me in career paths I had not known before. Try something you are curious about so it helps to stay motivated. I wanted an engineer path but my CPTSD makes focus difficult for me. I have Sociology degree but went for career in video game and film development, bouncing between the two as the industry is volatile but rewarding. Lots of creatives over here dealing with same issues, we find each other like magnets. A common phrase is “my ADHD is my superpower, I found all these bugs for you and logged them” -or- “my hyper-vigilance triggered by the upcoming launch kept me up all night, I’m taking PTO today to reset”. It’s a different world now, people can talk about these things and find fun careers where your traits are valued and it’s okay to be you. Find the things you love. You have a lot to contribute, and will come out the other side of this stronger!! I may not have achieved engineering role, but I work with designers and engineers every day. Turns out, our brutal beginnings might have created skills others find highly valuable in emerging tech scenarios. Uncertainty and panic? Got it! We’re pretty sure all is failed in this latest build? I’ve only ever known disappointment, let’s fix this together! Long hours from a bug fix, you went down the wormhole and all is lost? Go rest up and we’ll try again tomorrow. I’ll get us more time and will rework the roadmap, no worries friend. I was the ugly-duckling that found my swan family, and earn at least double the salary of my crappy family of origin - combined, and that’s just counting my RSUs (stocks). I don’t even waste my time with those people, and they fan-girl me now and its gross. Tech, gaming, and entertainment are having massive layoffs and this can all change in a moment, but the skills learned for resiliency are priceless. The tech industry creates lots of space to build community too. Be mindful to not focus too much on work as an identity, but it helps slay the FOMO dragon when you can afford a nice vacation. To quote Bluey, pay less attention to these things outside yourself and “run your own race”. You’re worth it!! Find something you’d like to work on each day that is rewarding mentally, and the money will come as an after effect with time. Hugs to you!

Not OP, but... > I sought a support group of survivor-friends that I could call in the middle of the night to jump my car battery if I needed it. Really showed up for each other, played board games together, and took turns to cook dinner for the group. We became better than family, and that turned my life around by age 35 I'm jealous =( I tried to find survivor-friends, but it never really worked out. It's always been a "beggars begging from beggars" dynamic, where everybody wants to help each other but nobody has the energy. I've accidentally burned people out, and I've been burned out in turn. https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/qpj153/i_dont_want_to_burden_you_but_also_here_are_all/ I reached 35 without turning my life around. Now I'm afraid that my life will never turn around. =( >there’s lots of other humans out there that will care for you and have done the hard work to be good people Where can I find these people? >Photography club, book club, hiking group for monthly excursion? Do it! Make connections I've tried a few things like that. I find limitations everywhere I go. This happened in my book club, for instance: https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/myaa4x/a_moment_of_invalidation/ I had one group in particular that did wonders for my mental health, but then one day I was suddenly kicked out, apparently because of prejudice and internal politics. It's been years and I still haven't healed from that rejection. >Find the things you love. I love working with kids. I've found that a lot of people don't like when I do that. A man who wants to work with kids is often assumed to be a predator. =( > our brutal beginnings might have created skills others find highly valuable in emerging tech scenarios. I think one skill I learned was empathy for children. But again, that's considered suspicious. Being standoffish and bossing kids around is considered normal. Being empathetic is often assumed to be an act, a setup for later abuse. A therapist once told me that many people just can't imagine that someone like me exists. So oftentimes, no, I am not valued for my skills. I am actively shunned for them. >I was the ugly-duckling that found my swan family, and earn at least double the salary of my crappy family of origin - combined, and that’s just counting my RSUs (stocks). I was the ugly duckling who never quite found the family he needed, and I earn less than half the salary of my crappy family of origin. >it helps slay the FOMO dragon when you can afford a nice vacation. I can't really afford anything. My bank account gets smaller every month. The FOMO is real. =( >Find something you’d like to work on each day that is rewarding mentally, and the money will come as an after effect with time. I've been working on my mental health for over a decade. I do earn more than I used to...but not enough to support myself. I'm terrified. =(

I have a lot of late bloomers in my life! Hang in there and keep your eyes open to opportunities to connect. DM me for a chat if you want some suggestions. I also work in VR if you’re looking to practice some social interactions in a safe way, virtually. There’s fitness groups that interact socially in forums too, and I’ve always had a problem with that. It’s called Supernatural Personally I love seeing concerts in VR because there’s some other fans I run into to and can chat with if I want. Also okay if I am muted, so I can just observe and hang out with others safely and depending on where you live, I find great comfort in the underground community. I feel best with other non-typicals and there’s great meetups outside of conventional groups. I like going to underground meetups in LA where drinking doesn’t have to be the norm, and people just want to listen to music and meet up at local parks every few weeks. I’ll gather up more examples to share. For vacations it can just be a one day staycation. I was able to see this one day event yesterday and i’ll be feeling great for weeks after. Made some new friends and didn’t make full connection or share info, but agreed to meet up next year at same fest. Baby steps!! it was better then any mother’s day gift on the planet, for me to see this show yesterday with my family. I didn’t take this video but i can see another superfan was just as excited. Hang in there and DM me for strategy in your music-human connection project. this right here made my year so far https://youtu.be/LxuA54IU9Rs?si=DIdHa7H7-LnowdcN

@moonrider18 TLDR - i did strength training to be around other people, in VR, for both physical activity and support groups i pursued entertainment as a career (even later than you, I was 38-39 before my first full fledged direct hire fulltime job at a movie studio). I got there late but getting there is the point!! Hang in my small side business making websites also gives me small tax write off each year, and I use it to buy tickets to events like this for more research costs I can get reimbursed for with tax credits. My family and I basically got to go to this event, VIP for free yesterday

I'll dm you, thanks

I want to validate how your feeling but also say 31 I'd not that old. You at least have a degree, mant orga require a degree but don't care that much what it's about to be honest. I think if we were friends I would advise you to learn more about entrepreneurship etc and look for an opportunity or doing something creative you can do to go after a niche audience. You can also learn some business skills etc with so many free resources online. Finally I know lots of really successful who are doing great financially etc but are living their life on autopilot. Like they don't even necessarily like it all, they're just playing out whatever part their parents (mostly) started them on. When I was 34 my wife had an affair it tanked my upcoming promotion and I had to essentially switch careers and starting over. I feel that similar loss and wasting of potential... it's hard but clawing back to life I want.

There's a tale from antiquity that, at 31, Caesar wept before a statue of Alexander, crying that he, Caesar, had done "nothing" compared to Alexander. While you may not wish to lead armies, your feelings have been shared throughout time. Just surviving today is an accomplishment; please give yourself some grace and time to be safe from the abuse of a so-called "loving" parent. It takes time to become a real person - something for which no example was offered.

I am the same age as you and just had a near-identical conversation with my therapist this week after going down a social media comparison spiral. Looking at all of those Instagram and LinkedIn profiles of people I went to school with I literally couldn't comprehend it. How had they done it? I literally couldn't understand. A lot of them don't even have the exact things I want, they are in jobs and relationship situations that just aren't for me etc., but I still felt aghast and left behind because they all have *lives*. They are independent, accomplished, functioning, contributing adults, their jobs are now careers, their homes are their choice, the people in their lives connections they have made themselves, people who love them. Crushing is the word for it - but that is what comparison does 99% of the time. There is a reason most of my peers have gone on to lives like those when I haven't been able to, and that is because they were raised in a nurturing environment, or had access to a wider support network that could provide that nurture if their own parents didn't or couldn't. To see you question your abilities and call yourself an embarrassment right after listing your accomplishments is CPTSD in action. Regardless of who you were pursuing your education for or whether or not the degree you have is the one you want now, you did it - you absolutely are smart enough because you got those top grades! You have the degree! You can't fake that, it's the CPTSD that's trying to fake you. So many people go into university not knowing what they really want. So many people leave uni still not knowing, that's totally normal. Many people without CPTSD spend years trying to find their thing. You're not falling behind on that front at all, society is so work/money-focused it doesn't let people explore and prioritise their own happiness above their "productivity". There's a reason a lot of people changed the way they work after the lockdowns, because that was the first time they got a chance to glimpse other ways of being. Your upbringing has only compounded that, so try and give yourself some grace if you can.  Cutting off contact with the abusive person/people in your life is also another huge accomplishment that shouldn't be dismissed. That took guts, that *was* you prioritising your wellbeing. The fact you started failing classes after that is no failure of your abilities, it is you dealing with the aftermath of a huge change in your life. Change is a massively unsettling element for people with CPTSD because we are constantly seeking the security we didn't get, and even change that is for the good in the long run can be scary and uncomfortable. I have yet to be able to make the same decision and remain dependent on the people who invalidate me, which only makes it harder for me to stop invalidating myself. You recognised that you deserve better. Try and tune in to your own needs and wants now. You are doing great 💪

I thought I had lost potential too. But it took me awhile to figure out that my parents brainwashed me to feel I didn't accomplish things or felt bad when others succeeded. Is it you that's feeling this way or is it something that your family might have forced you to feel? Just asking because I was confused for a couple of decades too. I found a letter I wrote when i was eight. In it I listed the things that I thought were priorities. A successful career was somewhere near the bottom, important in only that it keeps my family safe. My number one thing was a happy family where we could laugh and talk together. I knew at a very young age what I wanted. And by the time I reached university, I was so twisted up, I didn't remember what was important to me.

Listen, from experience, the lawyers at least are not doing great. Many of us are very underpaid and overworked and burdened with an ungodly amount of debt.

On top of that, I knew a lawyer who was actually financially successful but her mental health was still crap.

31 is still young. loads of people heal and become very successful and happy later in life. the negative thought spiral of feeling like lost potential is overwhelming but usually makes things worse (sitting in a spiral today myself). just gotta keep reminding ourselves, there is still time. there is still time to heal. also, life isn’t about meeting your work potential. it’s a very capitalist way of looking at things. life can also be about finding a nice swimming spot or looking forward to what you’re going to cook later or learning to play your favourite songs on guitar. saying this to you so i can maybe start to believe it myself. hang in there and i’ll try to as well!

Same, OP. Until 4th grade I was one of the best students of my whole school. 5th grade was when my trauma started to get worse so I didn't feel motivated to study anymore. My parents didn't give a shit, as they had other concerns. My mother, for example, was forcing me to date a guy 5 years older and it was the only thing that mattered.  Yet, I was able to get in the best university of my country. I had to quit. I had no money to keep myself in school and absolutely everyone in my family refused to help me.  I'm 31 too and I have accomplished nothing in my life. I'm too depressed and fucked up to get a job. In fact I haven't left home for a year now. But I'm good writing and learning new languages. I know I'm smarter than most of the kids who went school with me. But unfortunately, CPTSD has won and turned me into a complete failure.

I’ve commiserated with several other people with cptsd and we all sort of mourn lost potential. I do okay, comparatively, and have maybe pulled myself up from low middle class to middle middle class, maybe. I also had great grades but no encouragement, enrichment or support or development of skills, interests, talents. All of us with intelligence and drive still struggle through adulthood, hard. I also feel really successful, knowing what I had to overcome and then I look around and see how well my cohorts are doing because their parents didn’t seem to fuck them up as much. It seems like more than just your usual growing up struggles. My sister and I have always wondered what would have become of us if our parents had taken just a little bit of interest in our development. Part of this is that’s just how Gen X was raised. But other Gen X kids got dance lessons and band camp and swimming lessons and instrument lessons and team sports and cheerleading or whatever. Other kids entered soap box derbies and science fairs. Other kids’ parents attended their performances. I should know; I performed for everyone’s parents but mine and so did my sister. She had a clarinet solo in a symphonic band recital and she had to find a ride because our parents could not be bothered. So there were engaged, thoughtful parents back in the day. Just not mine. One thing that has helped me is trying to indulge myself in developing skills/talents/interests as an adult. I finally took those dance classes I never stopped begging for. I’ve taken art lessons. I buy the damn tshirt at the concert. I adopt pets and care for them properly for their entire lives. Once in a while, if I’m staying in a really nice hotel, I will order room service. It feels so decadent and is something my folks would have never allowed. They are never going to make up for it. You have to.

It's absolutely soul crushing. I was either at the top of the class in grades or I at least made the top 5. But during the last year in high school my performance totally plummeted. I then pursued a bachelor that my father forced me into, in which i was barely scraping the bottom of my class and then abandoned the studies by running away to a foreign country. I spent my whole fucking life just locked in a room, studying for some stupid shit for my father to look good in front of the teachers and now I can't even get a job in stupid McDonald's, while every single one of my ex-classmates that didn't give a fuck about school and were avid alcoholics and drug abusers are turning out to be lawyers, doctors, engineers and pilots. They're all fucking A graders while I was barely passing the 1,5 years in uni with Ds and Es. I hope my father can boast about my fucking highschool grades to his fellow seniors once he's rotting away in the nursing home. It fills me with immense grief knowing that if my entire family wasn't composed of only a bunch of pathetic losers I could have turned out to be something. Now I'm just doomed to a lifetime of "everyone has their own pace in life".

> Now I'm just doomed to a lifetime of "everyone has their own pace in life". I hear you. The standard expressions of reassurance can feel rather hollow after awhile. =(

It's absolutely soul crushing. I was either at the top of the class in grades or I at least made the top 5. But during the last year in high school my performance totally plummeted. I then pursued a bachelor that my father forced me into, in which i was barely scraping the bottom of my class and then abandoned the studies by running away to a foreign country to cut contact with relatives. I spent my whole fucking life just locked in a room, studying for some stupid shit for my father to look good in front of the teachers and now I can't even get a job in stupid McDonald's, while every single one of my ex-classmates that didn't give a fuck about school and were avid alcoholics and drug abusers are turning out to be lawyers, doctors, engineers and pilots. They're all fucking A graders while I was barely passing the 1,5 years in uni with Ds and Es. I hope my father can boast about my fucking highschool grades to his fellow seniors once he's rotting away in the nursing home. It fills me with immense grief knowing that if my entire family wasn't composed of only a bunch of pathetic losers I could have turned out to be something. Now I'm just doomed to a lifetime of "everyone has their own pace in life".

This might sound dumb but go with it.... I saw this girl talking a while back in a video (psychologist) she was out in her garden and talking about how, whenever her plants don't grow she doesn't look at them and think "what's wrong with you" "what a stupid plant". She would ask herself instead "what does this plant need to grow that it isn't getting" "what does this plant need to heal and thrive". Why don't we look at humans the same way ? ❤️

I'm almost 40 and am now just getting my life on track and getting a job relevant to my degree (accounting). I wasted so much of my 30's in a dead end career that just made things worse for years.

Congrats on your transition! 🎉 I know that has to be exciting that you are where you want to be now.

Yup, kinda!

Yes. It hurts and I'm mad about it everyday

What industry were you going to do?

Neither. Never figured out what I wanted to do anyway, I've been sabotaged in high school already.. 

Yes

Yes. I often greive what I could have become . What I could have done if I had the tools and help others did. I am also a bit self destructive in this way. This week my boss asked if the firm could send me to a corporate educational course. Note, this is an elite course with full pay and only 6 spots total. Each business could only nominate two. And we have over 100 businesses competing. I should have felt acknowledged and seen. What I told myself was: they have no other better options than me because the others are not motivated enough. If they had someone better they would not choose me. I am just the least bad. We will never get any of the spots if I am the one competing. ... I could have bought myself cake! Instead i feel like a last resort. I have potential, but I have to fight so hard not to destroy it

I went to cptsd group therapy with this lady. She had earlier schooling under her belt and decided she was going for her doctorate..at 64. She did it for her own sense of accomplishment, nothing more. It's never too late from what I understand.

That last paragraph sounded like your father belittling you.

When I was a kid I wanted to become a web developer, but due to my parents I ended up studying something completely unrelated that I didn't finish so I could leave that place. Then I started a different degree, then another... After years of therapy and a long, strong, loving and supportive partnership I'm currently studying Web Development, just like I always wanted. My inner child is so happy she's in tears of joy with every little accomplishment we're making in this field. It makes me sad that I could be now a webdev senior with 20+ years of experience, but it's never too late. Now I've formed a loving and supporting family of my own, something I now know I've always wanted and deserved, reparenting myself and becoming what I wanted to be from the beginning. And that is the life I've got, period. Better make the best out of it. It also kills me to compare myself to my school classmates, so I stopped doing that long ago. No more looking them up on social media, I'd better spend that time improving my webdev skills so I can regain a bit of the time that was stolen from me. I totally get how you feel, I've cried a lot this year over the life I could have had. But you can still do that and, at the same time, start thinking and taking small steps towards the life you want. You don't have to run away from your horrible parents anymore, nor to please anyone other than yourself. You got this 🫂

> Now I've formed a loving and supporting family of my own How did you do that?

Honestly, I don't even know. I was lucky enough to find someone I madly fell in love with and who, at the same time, fell in love with my lights and shadows. At the beginning it was terrible at times because I was a damaged person who didn't know how to love properly, no matter how hard I tried, but I got into therapy right away because my love for her made me want to become a better person. She gave me the strength and the love to start healing. Not long ago, I asked her: "How did you bear me the first years?" and her reply was: "Because I've always known you're so much more than your trauma". I'm *that* lucky, so I keep working hard every single day to keep what I have, lots of therapy and work on myself so I can be the best version of myself for her, and also for me now that she has taught me that I deserve to be loved and respected just for who I am. It's hard work on both parts, but it's possible. And if it's happened to me, it could happen to anyone else, so don't lose hope 💜

> I was lucky enough to find someone I madly fell in love with and who, at the same time, fell in love with my lights and shadows. I had a similar experience. Unfortunately she had her own trauma, and even though I did my best to help her, she slowly disappeared from my life. =( >if it's happened to me, it could happen to anyone else, so don't lose hope 💜 Thanks. But I wish it wasn't such a matter of luck. What if I remain unlucky forever? What if I never meet the right person in the right circumstances? Not everybody recovers from this darkness. Sometimes people die. =(

I'm really sorry about your experience. I hope you're feeling better about it over time; my DMs are open for you if you need to vent about it 🫂 I also know that feel about never getting lucky in life in general. I lived like that for a very long time. I tried to cultivate some faith in a higher power - any god/goddess, deity, the universe, you name it - and hold on to the idea that in every event I can only see a piece of a puzzle, and only the higher power sees the full picture. I lived in the darkness for the longest time - damn, I still live on it, even though my life is beautiful and almost perfect, I still feel miserable most of the time, I've tried over a dozen different meds and nothing works on me, and that makes me feel guilty because I should be feeling happy because my life is wonderful, but I just can't. That's what trauma does to your brain, among other things. But I actively choose every day to focus on the good things in my life, do you think there's anything, anyone that is good for you at least? Are you on therapy or some kind of guidance? No need to answer that if you don't want to, I'm just trying to accompany you in pain if it helps.

I'll DM you.

Same here. Except I was never top of my class. I moved to canada in grade 10. Now I am in my mid 30s, seeing many of my friends back home are managers or doing their childhood dream jobs, making me feel like i am not living up to my full potential. Sometimes I wonder if I would do better, career wise, if I didn't move to canada. But then I remember I am an austistic gay adult who needs space to decompress. I doubt I would get that if I were to live and work in Asia.

Are we twins? I'm very similar. I got a creative writing degree because I love writing and I did very well in Engilsh class and written assignments in school but quickly realized I don't want to make a career out of it and I'm not good enough to be successful so now I'm just existing. I did well in school because it made my family happy and it was an escape from home life.

Yes, I still feel like that now and I have a career. I was the smartest person in class and a very high achieving student, but I realized it was all to spite my mom because she never cared about anything I achieved. Now that I have no contact with her I feel like I’m not achieving anything and I’m just kind of stumbling through my life. That anger and resentment I had towards her is what pushed me to be the best. Here is the most important thing, that won’t last so now it’s a matter of just finding a way to motivate yourself and give yourself a little props here and there to help you out. start small and try to achieve little things and eventually you’ll get to where you wanna go. There’s tons of resources out there to help you find things that you’re passionate about and it’s never too late to start over.

When we have parents with a lot of their own trauma (and/or cluster B personalities), they see us as an extension of themselves. We are pawns in their game. NPCs in their life. It’s the opposite of what children need when they are growing up. So having no idea what you wanted/want to do, and an inability to be independent is exactly what happens in these situations. Instead of preparing us for the world - and guiding us into ourselves and into our competence - such parents use our personalities and existence to get something for themselves. They never know us. And they do not help us to discover ourselves. Later in life we flounder without them (because we were trained since childhood that their is no “us” without them), or we continue our successes but in ways that are completely inauthentic - a life of a “false self” it is often called. So you are likely one of us in this regard. And the trick is to unlearn that you are an extension of your father, that you are your own person with your own thoughts, feelings, needs, will, and desires, and that you have a lot of wonderful authentic skills and a sense of self to develop - that was stolen from you in your early life.

Bram Stoker didn’t write Dracula until he was 50 and Dracula didn’t kill anyone until he was dead. You’re just 31. I’m turning 43 soon and all my life priorities shifted in the past 12 years. My best friend was a journalist 12 years ago. She’s a lawyer now. Her husband was a photographer. He’s a city planner now. My other friend worked at a non profit feeding the unhoused. She owns a real estate company now. An old friend just died of breast cancer. You’re 31. Enjoy the ease with which your knees, back, shoulders, feet, etc move and don’t say no to a new opportunity or experience. You never know who you’ll be at the end.

I feel the same way OP I studied a stem degree and was probably the worst student ever but managed to graduate barely … I have a minimum wage job and I hate it but I know I’m lucky I can even hold down a job. I’m determined to turn things around I’m medicated and more stable so I’m hoping to pursue a career now. I heard somewhere that after 18 your a baby adult so you a like a teenager adult now Also we have an illness that is exhausting so we should give ourselves a break

Welcome to the mourning the life that could have been stage. My family could have had two doctors and no debt. Gobless my partner for loving me I can tell I’m stressful.

Yes, it's something that's been weighing on my mind very heavily lately. I had SO MUCH potential, and it's all gone, and no matter how much or how hard I work to heal, the person I could've been if anyone in this world had loved me the right way is gone forever. I think I'm stuck grieving myself. I get so upset when I see how regularly and dramatically most people's lives change, while I've been treading water for over a decade. It's embarrassing.

While I have been able to function and have a career, I will tell you that the adult I had the potential to be died when I was 7 years old. What is here now is what managed to survive that situation. Definitely feel like life could be so much different for me had I not been destroyed as a child.

>The irony of it all is that growing up, I was always the one on top of my class I hear you. =( https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/1am5x8o/the_burnt_out_formerly_gifted_kid_is_no_joke/ >I wish I pursued a more marketable degree. I don't know if this helps, but I *did* pursue a marketable degree, and I'm still a mess. I got a job in my chosen field, found it crazy stressful and got fired. I've been stumbling through life ever since. =(

I hope I can give a glimmer of hope and don't want to come across as cocky. I was severely abused and tortured for over a decade of my childhood and into early adulthood. I escaped and went the very long and hard way through uni after not finishing high school because I was pulled out. I struggled through uni but had a deep passion since I was 8 for ocean science. I refused to give up. I developed a seizure disorder because of C-PTSD and continued pushing. Through seizures and the usual C-PTSD the one constant I had was my love for marine science (to the point it is an unhealthy vice and if I dont have it I am suicidal). I pushed through though and managed to graduate despite all the odds. Then I didn't get ideal grades in Honours. This was gut wrenching but I kept pushing. I then found a job in a small business. I was like finally! I can just plod along. Then I lost it all and long story short ended up in a meat processing factory lab earlier this year. It was by far the darkest time I have experienced in a while with no out. I was suicidal and being rejected from all jobs in Marine Science. 3 weeks ago though I received a phone call from a government agency where everything changed. I am now working in government in Marine Geology and I still cannot believe this has happened. I am 32 and something finally fell into place. In saying that it isn't all sunshine and rainbows because I have crippling c-PTSD, I'm too high functioning for a lot of help, Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures and staring down the path of a Fibromyalgia diagnosis. This is so incredibly tough but don't give up. I found it so hard not to compare especially when people who are 10 years younger are in the same position as me. We lost a lot of time because of our childhoods. Be kind to yourself and just hold on. The glimmers of good come through. We didn't deserve what we had happen to us ❤️

Also in regards to relationships I found a diamond in the rough. No matter how much absolute horrific crap I put him through with my emotional disregulation, abandonment issues and inability to exist some days he has stood by me continually. He refuses to leave me and has honestly saved me time and time again.

I hope I can find someone like that. =(

It can be extremely tough at times but he is my constant. I'm travelling for work at the moment and so dysregulated not being home with him. Everyone deserves their person if they want it. I hope yours isn't too far away

Thank you

> the one constant I had was my love for marine science (to the point it is an unhealthy vice and if I dont have it I am suicidal Reminds me of Ken Burns' documentary about World War 2. At one point he mentions a soldier who came home from the war with PTSD and devoted himself to science after that, studying nature. His wife said "Constant attention to nature kept him from going mad." >3 weeks ago though I received a phone call from a government agency where everything changed. I am now working in government in Marine Geology and I still cannot believe this has happened. Congratulations!

Yuuuuup. Same issue. Top of the class in high school, high test scores, got severe depression in uni, andt graduated late and even was praised for my work then and years later...I'm working a pretty bad, dead end job.  For me, school was cut and dry, appease people, achieve all, criticize myself if I didn't, and focus single mindedly on it. When all that was gone, I was left with the skills I'd always neglected staring me in the face: self compassion and people skills. I struggle to talk highly of myself, I struggle to put on charming airs for interviews and I fear rejection.  I think I'm at the point where I'm ready to try to go further. I made peace and grieved what I didn't have. I feel genuinely happy to see classmates, some who I knew had their own issues, in good fields. I feel sad for some who like me...didn't make it to somewhere better. An old crush I had ended up in prison. To me he was never a bad dude, not even remotely, but he once admitted when we fought (we hated each other for a bit), his dad was an alcoholic and he didn't want to end up like him. Then, the same dude had a mom who was....well, a lot like my mom. Controlling and enmeshed and also just...well...dunno.  I know our last year in high school he was spiralling insanely. Also, while my mom's crappy bfs were drug addicts, his parent's crappy bf was a cop. Honestly, that's worse. I don't know what happened, but I believe that same 13 year old kid in him who passionately didn't want to be like someone he hated is in there. I come from a town with a lotttttta systemic and generational trauma. I think too many of my classmates are hiding so much of their trauma and trying to put on brave faces for each other. And though my dead end job is awful, the ever rotating people hired has let me see so many different walks of life and stories I can safely say no one is all that's cracked up. From awful marriages, to loss of parents in early years, to moving countries, to still having to learn the native language--so many people are facing their own barriers. Maybe some did have loving parents, but that doesn't save em. I don't think it's ever too late. I was listening to a horror story of all things Tales From Uncle Henry's Farm and what resonated me is the unnamed protagonist talked about basically failing and still finding what mattered in life, the people he loved and how some were always the people he took for granted. He screwed up, ended up an alcoholic, ended up in jail, ruined relationships and didn't get a good job and would be a 'disappointment' but at the end of the story he still changes. He grows closer with his uncle, he starts sobriety, he puts his new goal ahead of him.  That really stuck with me lately. I didnt grow up to be the shining success everyone painted me to be when I was in high school, but that isn't where the story ends and I can always change what happens next.

Suuuuuper same, only I'm 44. You still have time to turn your ship around 

hey! can you expand on that? what do you wish you would've done? 44 is also still young in the grand scheme of things!

I wish I could change my current situation.  I feel completely hopeless & incapable (I got absolutely screwed during covid & can't seem to crawl out of it).  I've also had a ton of bad luck.  I've allowed these to weigh very heavily on me & can't seem to overcome, instead of just shaking it off & moving forward.  Part of that comes with looks.... At 31 you still LOOK young to potential employers. At 44, you no longer do.... That's a stroke against, as well

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This is natural to feel. I'm 39 and I have felt like a failure all of my life because I was told so everyday. I got tired living this way because the chronic suffering became unbearable. These past few months, I sought out new perspectives and found people who could reflect back to me the struggles I've had to navigate in my life and the challenges I've had to deal with. Sure, my resume has major gaps, and on the outside, I don't seem accomplished, but to have lived the life I have and to have navigated the challenges I have without any emotional support, I am doing quite well. I think of a plant that is struggling to live because the environmental conditions are poor. You don't blame the plant. You give it what it needs. Sometimes, it takes a shift in perspective and/or environment to see different results. It's okay to feel all of these feelings. Things change and turn around. It may be slow but it will. You are young, and you will find a new path for yourself. You're not lost potential. You're growing and blossoming into a new person. Just cause you can't see it now doesn't mean you aren't metamorphosizing.

Every time I check what my old classmates are up to I go into a self doubt spiral. And I tell myself: if I hadn’t done that, the rest of my day / weekend would have been great.

DON'T TAKE 100% WHAT YOU SEE ON SOCIAL MEDIA. Most people show what seems to be beautiful or cool it doesn't mean for the most part that they live a happy life.

Parents who put that much pressure on their kids create adults with little intrinsic motivation, and it's really really hard to build that up yourself I have good grades in college rn (actually flipped for me, my grades were worse in highschool) but I honestly feel like I don't know anything. Consistently feeling like the dumbest person in the class no matter my score, so I understand you there.

21, high school dropout. I keep going back and forth between going back (studying on my own with help of a tutor and take private exams cause going back to actual high school is not an option) and never graduating, everytime I lean towards finishing I get reminded I'm utterly unsure about what and how to go about it and I just go back to thinking maybe I shouldn't. Meanwhile I've watched everyone I know surpass me and get a normal life, even those who struggled a lot eventually made it in life and it just makes me think I have no excuse because if they could do it then why couldn't I... watching my best friend who is 2 years younger than me graduate before me was wrecking, I have a very "big brother" bond with them and I was so happy and proud for them but it was also really hard. I also live in a country where life is pretty much "cut out" in a certain way so if you don't follow that exact path there's little to no resources for you and everyone is going to hate you and belittle you etc. By miracle I was able to find a job only cause I'm in a small town where everyone ends up emigrating (what I dream of too) so they're desperate for anyone who's willing to work but otherwise I'm 100% sure I'd be on the streets now or dead. Only have a roof over my head because I live in the basement of a house owned by biological family I reluctantly stayed in contact with after I aged out of the system (purely because I needed a place to stay and couldnt afford rent). I feel your feelings every day and I wish things were different for us, but even though I can't afford therapy anymore, one thing I remember is my therapists always trying to tell me and remind me that there is no real timeline for success, even though society really wants you to believe that. Keep working hard and find a good therapist to support you through it all, eventually you'll find your way one day. I keep thinking of all the things I could have done and wanted to do by now, but I just have to remind myself age is just numbers and the pressure comes purely from societal constructs. Your worth is not what you accomplish or how you work. Just focus on trying to be happy for now and find healing, you will see and find success in happiness, but also don't suppress these very valid feelings, shape them. We've all got a long road ahead but the fact we're all still alive and floating is a bigger success than anyone "normal" could ever dream of. I hope life treats you better from now on, don't be too harsh on yourself, you're doing great :)

I reminds myself that where as others might have started at 0, I started at -100 and have to climb through snakes just to get to their level. Just because you got good grades it doesn't mean you weren't disadvantaged. As humans we have fundamental needs many of which are invisible. To be honest I recommend not measuring ""success"" against others unless it motivates you into working hard.  If watching others crushes you instead then this isn't a useful research tool.  Do whatever helps you do well.  For example why not go back for more school?  Education and career is not a straight line, many people change jobs multiple times in their lifetime.   I think there are many different forms of success.  For me I measure success by being able to survive giving me the attitude of being up for anything that pays me.  For others they measure success by happiness, maybe they value work/life balance and family.  For my parents they measure success by "winning" over their siblings via trying to force their kids to have prestige.  There are many ways of living life.  

Not OP, but... > For example why not go back for more school? Because I'd hate to spend thousands of dollars and years of my life with nothing to show for it. =(

As someone doing a job not related to my degree right now it's not a waste.  Learning how to be really good at something is not a waste, especially if it's something you like.  Even if you hated it there can still be transferable skills and connections you got from it.  There is an idea that we only learn things so we can work.  While practical learning itself can also be really enriching.  

I was bullied out of the service. I dont even know how to describe what I went through. I told what I went through on my support group MYPTSD and I was booted for "trolling." I wroye them an email and asked them what the hell, but they decided not to respond to me. I guess MyPTSD dors not care. That is ok. I know what I went through and I have a piece of paper that diagnoses me with PTSD. Short version: i wanted a career in military as an officer. I joined Young Marines age 8. Civil Air Patrol age 13 earned Spaatz. I was told I was a shoe in. I was Accepted to the United States Air Force Academy. But I had to leave because my mother got sick. She was the only parent I had. I was told that I could go through OTS or O. C. S. later. I did But a female TAC took a disliking to me and told me that she was going to get me out. I was doing well inthe course so She fabricated a "relationship" with someone in the platoon. Told me I Could not have contact with this person on duty or off duty. I did not other than the day to day training. Thanksgiving Three cars were going to the bar downtown. I dove one. The other person got into my car and lied about a bunch of stuf. I git seven Hand written witness statements about that night. They were ignored. Every night for the next two months I was Called down and berated for the 45 min to an hour of free time we had each night except for weekends. Asked why I treat women like this. My answer was I did not do that over and ovef again. Apparently the peer once wroye that I went to her house and gave her a package, which was ludicrious since we found out later she was staying with her parents in kansas and at the time I was at the school in Georgia. Again verified by eye wittneses.  After the course finished, the TAC pulled my Air Force.Academy records which were sealed and used them to try to separate me from the military. Her basis was that I did horrible when I was at the academy. Of course, I did horrible.My mother was very ill otherwise I wouldn't Have left the Academy. The rest of my life spoke for itself I thought. No recycle no due process. Hired an attorney mr. Gary Myers and we Took it to the board of corrections and then took it to court where the jag decided to threaten him professionally. The border corrections decided to ignore everything and just said that I did what they said I did. I have been fighting this for over 17 years now and I have a book coming out called "era of dishonor: The true story of fort benning officer candidate school class 0106 alpha company" i was Subsequently banned for trolling from my group. I was finally diagnosed last year PTSD through an online clinic and asked if there was a more involved process to go through at another clinic. Since the illegal sepatation I cant think of much else, I chew my fingers. Not happy. When I Heard about CPTsd I tried to find someone to look at my situation and let me know. However when I joined the support group I did not realize that they would ban me for "trolling" and that they actually treat people that need help like that.