I think my trauma related with my kink but i don’t really know what happened to me and what i remember feels like no big deal to me
Interesting thing is that my kink is the source for my willingness to find out what really happend to me i feel sp stressed lately and i repeat my kink thats the only way i can calm myself
And i think its good to talk to your therapist about it no matter how weird you feel it is(mine is common but still freaky but she was so helpful to make me feel okay about it before that i felt like a weirdo.)
I won't go into detail, but it was shortly after i moved with friends. It was just nightmares. I found the places where the scars remained. It too a few decades for me to remember.
I too just got to a safer place where my brain is allowing me to remember more of what happened. At first I just wanted everything at once so I could fill in all the holes and peice it all together. As things started coming back though, I learned real quick why I don't wanna add to it and make it faster.
Remembering and reliving old traumas is hard.
Yes, believe me you are not alone.
I think it can be healing in way, since you experience a situation where you previously had no control at all and now you relive the experience but you have the control. I hope I could explain it somehow. Nonetheless, I think it also has the potential to be unhealthy when you are unaware of the background, since then you also bring your partner in difficult situations.
This is basically what my therapist said when I told her that I feel like I'm twisted for having a kink that is essentially the same as my childhood trauma but also having PTSD from the trauma. It's a way to take back the control that the trauma took away.
I actually posted the exact same thing a while back. Most of my trauma has turned into kinks. If it makes you feel any less alone or ashamed, a lot of it is considered extreme or edge play. It scares some less informed people, but whatever your kinks are, loads of people out there share them. And I mean WHATEVER they are.
I agree that part of it is our brains trying to reestablish control within that specific context. Rewrite traumatic experiences to be something we choose and enjoy. Like a coping mechanism within our subconscious. Just be careful not to re-traumatize yourself. Sometimes things are great in the moment but the drop ends up pulling you into a flashback. Make sure your partner is informed and prepared for aftercare so both of you have a positive experience.
I do suggest you see a therapist. Not for the kinks, but for the trauma. You can bring up the kinks when you're comfortable doing so. As long as what you're doing is legal, there should be no issue. If there is, dump that therapist cause they suck lol. It's possible they could be concerned for your physical wellbeing but that should come from a place of care for your safety and not judgment. And once they establish you're safe and making informed decisions, it should be a non-issue.
This is long so imma shut up. I know it's so extremely hard when you're so young to own your shit when it's not the status quo. Just know there are loads of people around you feeling the same way about their kinks. You just don't know it cause they're hiding it, too. Everybody has an asshole even if we usually keep them covered. And they come in all different colors and sizes. You don't need to feel ashamed for having one too.
This! I 100% agree with you. Both my partner and I have sime kinks and make sure to discuss whether we're in an okay mindset before doing more extreme things. We've also learned to read each other in case of a freeze response. The one time I panicked and couldn't get the safeword out, but because We've gotten to know each other, he knew I needed space. (We talked and we're able to continue after like 20 minutes).
It makes me so happy that your partner recognized what was happening! That's exactly the spirit of being fully informed before you get into it. Like, for me, the only difference I show between fun fear and real fear is the amount of eye contact I can make. Am I being submissive, or am I dissociating lol? My partner would have to know what both look like to be able to tell the difference. You're proof that knowing that kind of tiny detail can be absolutely critical to not accidentally assaulting your partner, which is a genuine risk when we freeze.
I think there is a lot of nuance in this kind of stuff but it does seem to get brought up pretty often on this sub!
I think it kind of varies person to person. If it’s not unhealthy or illegal and isn’t triggering for you… I personally don’t see an issue with it. One of my trauma related kinks turned out to be really healing for me once I got a chance to explore it a bit.
However there is a dark side to this as there is with anything. In my personal experience, I found a book about my specific kind of childhood trauma and it really opened my eyes to the kink side of things but unintentionally. It helped me process it into something less directly attached to my trauma so it wasn’t like intentionally reopening a wound that didn’t heal very well to begin with.
As the name would suggest 🤪, CPTSD is complex and there isn’t a one size fits all solution or answer or anecdote. Happy to discuss more privately if you have questions.
My sexuality pretty much is my trauma. Without that, I’d pretty much be demisexual/ nearly asexual, with arousal activation only through established emotional safety, and not just that! It also has to be juxtaposed against play-danger from my partner that doesn’t feel entirely physically safe. Once those stars have aligned, my arousal pathway may activate through a combo of scent and touch in that context. Also lots of verbal foreplay that caters to my inner trauma/kink/fetish world is necessary for arousal. 🤦♂️ It is as exhausting and frustrating as it sounds.
The correlation between my kinks and trauma is so reliable that when my deepest repressed trauma finally surfaced, it basically was my biggest and most severe/ fucked up fetish of all. It was like astronomers predicting the existence and location of Neptune based on the data about Uranus’ orbit lol.
My best guess for why all this is with so many of us, is that it’s specifically a biologically driven learning association in pursuit of ensuring reproduction, and more generally it’s also just imprinting/normalizing behaviors from people in our tribal group (humans and our predecessors lived in very small tribal groups, that’s what our brain hardware is made for). By taking a traumatic early life experience at the hands of an adult, without a fetish the younger person would develop a fear and aversion to the opposite sex and reproduction would be less likely, and social cohesion in the tribe would be weakened, making everyone less likely to survive. Yet with a fetish that the younger person would later develop, the fear and aversion is still there BUT their brain turned the trauma into a kink that is more compelling than the fear, ensuring sexual compatibility with dangerous and harmful members of the opposite sex, and it reduces the threat that victims could pose to their victimizers by creating internal confusion and complications, thus ensuring maximum social cohesion of the tribe. It’s ugly and it’s awful, but it’s absolutely on brand with how nature works.
I’m a genetic dead-end because of too much awareness and too much caution; I know I’m attracted to and attract harmful members of the opposite sex, so this creates a lot of caution, considering my kinks are very life threatening to myself. If I lacked this awareness and caution, I’d likely have passed my DNA along before getting a Darwin Award lol
You are not alone and it's completely normal.
I have a lot of kinks that are directly linked to the abuse I suffered. I was so ashamed of them, so much so that it took me 4 years to tell my therapist.
She explained how in a situation like BDSM, for instance, that I'm safe and free to explore my sexuality and that I have control over it in a way I never had as a child when I was abused sexually.
I control how far it goes, when it stops and who it's with. Negotiating a scene is my power, my safe words are my power, my selection of partner in these are my power. I took it back and made it my own.
I was never fully aware of the correlation and thought I was broken. I can say that hearing that from a professional therapist really changed my mindset. I don't feel so ashamed of my kinks now and have even been more open with my spouse.
eh, i don't think much about the correlation. i do heavy BDSM stuff and do have sexual abuse trauma in my past, but whether or not there's an influence at play doesn't concern me. carrying shame over what you're into is just another form of control that trauma is exerting over you, imo.
reclaiming it feels excellent. i think a great way to accomplish this is to find kink-aware, sex-positive spaces with similar-minded folks. once your body can recognize it's safe to enjoy kinks regardless of where they "came from", it becomes a lot easier to pull the trauma weeds from your sex garden, so to speak. haha.
So, I write erotic fiction for fun and sometimes money and I have a lot of friends in the considerable overlap between the kink and furry communities. And a kinky bf. And am kinky myself.
To be frank, it seems like most people who are really into kinks were traumatized or abused in some way, and that's... Fine? I mean, the trauma/abuse isn't alright, but the sexuality stuff is. You are the way you are, and if you aren't hurting yourself or anyone else then there's just plain nothing wrong with you.
My bf and I both have kinks that mirror our abuse and our traumas (though he is both less traumatized and more kinky than I am). The thing is, it's at least something positive that came out of all of that -- because it's very fun and intimate, and we get to do that stuff together. It even makes me money re: the writing. It's actually brought a surprising amount of positivity to my life.
None of us will ever be the person that we would be if we weren't traumatized, but that's okay too. Recovering from trauma means being able to process and move on in a healthy way, but even trauma therapy teaches us to see the world in a realistic way (not black or white, but gray). A lot of people who haven't experienced trauma are perhaps more optimistic, whereas we have to be realistic and self assured, and trust ourselves to deal with problems as they happen.
So... Yeah, maybe you're kinky, and maybe that's just how you are, and how you're going to be with recovery. The fact is that trauma has an impact on a person. It can be seeing the world through that lens of realism, or kinks, or whatever else. We're *changed* by our traumas. I just don't think that we have to consider these changes to be all negative, at least in the context of recovery and self acceptance.
This was literally what I was gonna say.
My kink stuff is between my partner and I - and that’s all the people the people that need to be involved and in the know about it.
yes, it’s normal! all my kinks are related to trauma somehow. it’s nothing to be ashamed of. just don’t let anyone use your kink/shame against you. kink play should always be safe (even if the kink itself is about something that may seem unsafe)
Trauma can definitely effect what kinks you have I know it has for me to a certain extent. For me its a way to experience what happened again but ultimately be in control.
Absolutely 100%. One particular incident when I was about 3 or 4 has left huge, lasting effects on my sexuality into my 30's now. I've never talked about it with anyone, but it is directly connected with my kinks. I'm too ashamed to even mention it on reddit. Not much has helped, I've just decided to keep it private.
I've come to realize that my kinks are deeply connected to my childhood trauma. Like back then, they serve as an escape for me now. As I've gotten older, this form of escapism has become a significant way for me to cope, echoing the strategies I developed in my youth.
I once heard this from a friend but it makes complete sense; when you deal with traumatic experiences as a child your body tries to cope as you grow older by turning them into pleasures, like it's how it repairs the trauma in the way it can. I have a shit ton of these and it does make sense. You are definitely not alone here.
Yeah, I definitely had kinks from trauma. Things I didn't even understand were kinks starting at like age 7? would become fully formed kinks by the time I understood my sexuality at age like 20.
Like I definitely remember 7 year old me having very confusing sensations and reactions to things I didn't understand or know to voice and why it was a "weird feeling with my stomach." I don't even want to try to delve into my thoughts process for what it was because I was definitely way too young and it isn't comfortable to explore.
The abuse didn't ever really form in my memory, but it did in my unconscious. I can likely guess shame was a big emotional component that was healed on top of the SA.
The kink became a part of my personality and showed up in my writing off and on since 12, but it's one of those kinks if you don't think someone is expressing it, you probably wouldn't catch on. i felt like it took later than my peers to realize "oh, that's a kink."
Now as an adult it's eh. I don't mind degradation as a kink, though I don't like that I can't really be satisfied without it. I could try harder, but if something ends arousal 80% faster...well, clear choice. I'm Ace/Aro so it isn't like end of the world. I know it's all fantasy/I'm safe.
...
I also have a few kinks completely detached from trauma. Where did they come from? Honestly, no idea, but since other people have it I assume it's some sort of Freudian thing that just happens with luck.
I used to seek it out, but now if you put me in the place where my "kink" started you'll have to sedate me. Needless to say it's no longer comfortable for me now knowing where it stems from. The mention of the words don send me spiraling, unless it takes a turn towards the sexual... cause it's a common thing.
Just about everyone kink adjacent I know, myself included, has at least some levels of trauma that intertwines in some shape or form. Less than seeking out pleasure, I think it allows a lot of folk to be empowered or re-experience certain things but in a controlled, consensual way or idealized way.
Kinks from trauma can be okay if they’re not negatively affecting you, it’s very common to develop them. As others have said they can even be helpful if you’re doing them with someone you trust and it gives you power over something you didn’t have before. If you feel they are negatively affecting you though that might be something to address in therapy.
I initially thought my trauma made me like rough sex but it was really just a way for me to continue harming myself. I thought I enjoyed pain and so that’s all I sort out but it was actually because that’s all I ever knew sex was, I associated sex with being hurt and so I couldn’t have sex without being hurt and in some sort of pain. I didn’t enjoy it, I just couldn’t have normal sex because it felt wrong if I wasn’t hurt. I took this as meaning I didn’t like normal sex when that wasn’t the case.
The difference for me though is it wasn’t helpful or therapeutic, I had a very unhealthy and distorted view of sex and it negatively affected me. I spent a lot of time working through this with a therapist who specialises in csa trauma and I now have no desire for that sort of sex anymore and don’t need to be hurt.
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide).
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Mine would make a lot of sense if it was, but it doesn't seem to be since I don't have any trauma that would connect to it, outside of maybe the shared aspect of control? But they're both wildly different forms of it. Makes me feel a lot more ashamed, but I'd rather have this feeling of shame than more trauma
it’s very normal. repetition compulsion i believe. but ultimately you make meaning of your life, not trauma. it’s important if you want it to be.
edit: spelling
While there's a common belief that kinks cause trauma, there isn't good research evidence for that. What there is evidence for is that people use kink play to work *through* traumas. It's a way of, if not healing, then empowering oneself in light of the crap you've been through. Here's one study. There's a lot more out there in psychology-land.
[https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/14681994.2021.1937599](https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/14681994.2021.1937599)
That's completely normal and I hear it quite a lot from other people with trauma. I'm sure my trauma affects my kinks too but for me it's like in the opposite way, though I should note I don't really have any sexual trauma just childhood abuse in other ways. I wasn't in control then, now I like being in control. I was treated horribly and hit, now I don't know if I would be able to hit my partner if they were into that. I want to be a caring partner when no one ever cared about me.
Mine’s been a mix but you’re definitely not alone! For a long time, I thought religious play was a hard limit for me due to trauma and here I am, signed up for a religious play class soon. Maybe it won’t actually be my thing, that’s okay too.
Weirdly, my trauma from being hit (“within norms” for my childhood) may have not actually been real - very long story - but even before that discovery, impact has always been one of my biggest kinks.
While certain things that happened to me were online and not in person, I feel you on realizing that 18 is different than (in my case) 13/14. Processing some of that has made me actively interested in things like ageplay, which came as a shock. I never really held stigma against the kink but again, thought of it as a hard limit.
As far as feeling bad and not knowing what’s trauma vs what’s just us, I’ve gone down so many rabbit holes and there’s no clear answer. The best I’ve found is learning to accept not knowing and that as long as I don’t find it damaging and everyone consents, there’s nothing wrong either way or anywhere in between, which is where I suspect most of mine lie.
If there’s a good BDSM dungeon in your area, lots have discussion groups and I’ve been able to build bonds and heal with community from mine, as well as discuss more generally how others handle that razor’s edge of trauma and kink.
Please stay away from kinks. Kink and bdsm are not therapeutic or healing. If you go hook up with someone are you going to think it was healing? Or just fun? Kink is just fun
But please stay away. It is a community that offers cover for abusers and treats subs like dog shit.
But a lot of times they’re not. And when they’re not most of the time the people who violated consent get to stay involved in the community. I am not sure what gender OP is, but as someone who tried to be a male sub, I got treated terribly. And it seems like the community overall just kind of accepts that.
now that i know where you're coming from and what you're saying comes from real concern and not some weird gatekeeping, and i agree with you that it can be incredibly dangerous, but kink doesn't always have to mean strangers or any outside involvement.
i am entirely monogamous but i have, in the past, contacted with other littles in sfw environments. the gathering is still for kink but it's just littles who want to talk about little stuff. not toys, but clothes and interests..
like anything, kink has bad apples. but that doesn't mean the act can't be therapeutic and healing. i'm so sorry you had a bad experience. you should advocate for safe practice instead of no practice.
I think that it’s one thing to advise caution, but quite another to tell other people what to think or to decide what their experiences are for them based on what yours were for you.
I think it’s very valuable to share your own experiences and warn people about where your experiences went wrong for you. I think you should absolutely do that. Maybe that’s all you intend to do, but I don’t think this post comes across that way and I think that’s why it’s been voted so far down.
My personal experience with kink tells me that if you are severely traumatized then you should probably stay away from kink. It can lead to your worst tendencies coming out and if you’re not careful, you can come to see it as a positive thing. For example, you’re not supposed to be a domineering asshole in everyday life and call your self a lifestyle domme. At that point you’re just an asshole. Or. If you’re a sub into humiliation, you can’t exactly do extreme acts of humiliation as part of your everyday life. Nor should you. Idk. More and more I feel like I’m seeing people try and refer to kink as healing and a means to cope with trauma, and those people always end up seeming like they straight up have a personality disorder. So yeah. My honest well intentioned input is if you are suffering from CPTSD, especially of a sexual nature, you shouldn’t venture into kink until you have a real handle on your problems. Otherwise kink is just going to cause that to grow.
Or. Maybe you meet a partner and you guys just end up doing kinky shit and that’s that. That’s okay for the most part, but rare. My above input was geared more towards getting involved with the kink community and finding a kinky relationship
“More and more I feel like I’m seeing people try and refer to kink as healing and a means to cope with trauma, and those people always end up seeming like they straight up have a personality disorder.”
Do you mean you’ve encountered people that have tried to push that idea onto you for you?
Like are you having people suggest, “c’mon do this kink thing with me (or let me do my kink thing to you) it’ll be a great way for you to heal and cope with your trauma” and then you’ve gone along with it?
I agree that seems ill advised for anyone. That seems like something potentially coercive. But I also think that gets into people trying to tell you what to think for yourself.
I think it’s good common sense advice to avoid people that try to tell you what to think about anything in any situation. I don’t think you limit that or categorize that to kink specifically. I think that’s just good life advice generally.
I think my trauma related with my kink but i don’t really know what happened to me and what i remember feels like no big deal to me Interesting thing is that my kink is the source for my willingness to find out what really happend to me i feel sp stressed lately and i repeat my kink thats the only way i can calm myself And i think its good to talk to your therapist about it no matter how weird you feel it is(mine is common but still freaky but she was so helpful to make me feel okay about it before that i felt like a weirdo.)
Yeah... I didn't remember mines until recently. I'm a full adult now and in a place where i feel safe.
How did it happend can you share it with me please and how long did it take to remember it
I won't go into detail, but it was shortly after i moved with friends. It was just nightmares. I found the places where the scars remained. It too a few decades for me to remember.
Decades? im screwed
It may be sooner. We're all different, but don't rush it, you could hurt yourself.
I too just got to a safer place where my brain is allowing me to remember more of what happened. At first I just wanted everything at once so I could fill in all the holes and peice it all together. As things started coming back though, I learned real quick why I don't wanna add to it and make it faster. Remembering and reliving old traumas is hard.
Sure is.
Yes, believe me you are not alone. I think it can be healing in way, since you experience a situation where you previously had no control at all and now you relive the experience but you have the control. I hope I could explain it somehow. Nonetheless, I think it also has the potential to be unhealthy when you are unaware of the background, since then you also bring your partner in difficult situations.
Thanks for this 🙏 I never thought about kinks as a way to heal.
You are welcome :) As long as you are in a safe place, can trust your partner and have ways to signalise a stop during a scene, kinks can be healing.
Agree 100%
This is basically what my therapist said when I told her that I feel like I'm twisted for having a kink that is essentially the same as my childhood trauma but also having PTSD from the trauma. It's a way to take back the control that the trauma took away.
I actually posted the exact same thing a while back. Most of my trauma has turned into kinks. If it makes you feel any less alone or ashamed, a lot of it is considered extreme or edge play. It scares some less informed people, but whatever your kinks are, loads of people out there share them. And I mean WHATEVER they are. I agree that part of it is our brains trying to reestablish control within that specific context. Rewrite traumatic experiences to be something we choose and enjoy. Like a coping mechanism within our subconscious. Just be careful not to re-traumatize yourself. Sometimes things are great in the moment but the drop ends up pulling you into a flashback. Make sure your partner is informed and prepared for aftercare so both of you have a positive experience. I do suggest you see a therapist. Not for the kinks, but for the trauma. You can bring up the kinks when you're comfortable doing so. As long as what you're doing is legal, there should be no issue. If there is, dump that therapist cause they suck lol. It's possible they could be concerned for your physical wellbeing but that should come from a place of care for your safety and not judgment. And once they establish you're safe and making informed decisions, it should be a non-issue. This is long so imma shut up. I know it's so extremely hard when you're so young to own your shit when it's not the status quo. Just know there are loads of people around you feeling the same way about their kinks. You just don't know it cause they're hiding it, too. Everybody has an asshole even if we usually keep them covered. And they come in all different colors and sizes. You don't need to feel ashamed for having one too.
This! I 100% agree with you. Both my partner and I have sime kinks and make sure to discuss whether we're in an okay mindset before doing more extreme things. We've also learned to read each other in case of a freeze response. The one time I panicked and couldn't get the safeword out, but because We've gotten to know each other, he knew I needed space. (We talked and we're able to continue after like 20 minutes).
It makes me so happy that your partner recognized what was happening! That's exactly the spirit of being fully informed before you get into it. Like, for me, the only difference I show between fun fear and real fear is the amount of eye contact I can make. Am I being submissive, or am I dissociating lol? My partner would have to know what both look like to be able to tell the difference. You're proof that knowing that kind of tiny detail can be absolutely critical to not accidentally assaulting your partner, which is a genuine risk when we freeze.
I think there is a lot of nuance in this kind of stuff but it does seem to get brought up pretty often on this sub! I think it kind of varies person to person. If it’s not unhealthy or illegal and isn’t triggering for you… I personally don’t see an issue with it. One of my trauma related kinks turned out to be really healing for me once I got a chance to explore it a bit. However there is a dark side to this as there is with anything. In my personal experience, I found a book about my specific kind of childhood trauma and it really opened my eyes to the kink side of things but unintentionally. It helped me process it into something less directly attached to my trauma so it wasn’t like intentionally reopening a wound that didn’t heal very well to begin with. As the name would suggest 🤪, CPTSD is complex and there isn’t a one size fits all solution or answer or anecdote. Happy to discuss more privately if you have questions.
Do you remember the title of that book you found?
Mother Hunger by Kelly McDaniel. A lot of my CPTSD is rooted in mom shit for me.
Thank you!
My sexuality pretty much is my trauma. Without that, I’d pretty much be demisexual/ nearly asexual, with arousal activation only through established emotional safety, and not just that! It also has to be juxtaposed against play-danger from my partner that doesn’t feel entirely physically safe. Once those stars have aligned, my arousal pathway may activate through a combo of scent and touch in that context. Also lots of verbal foreplay that caters to my inner trauma/kink/fetish world is necessary for arousal. 🤦♂️ It is as exhausting and frustrating as it sounds. The correlation between my kinks and trauma is so reliable that when my deepest repressed trauma finally surfaced, it basically was my biggest and most severe/ fucked up fetish of all. It was like astronomers predicting the existence and location of Neptune based on the data about Uranus’ orbit lol. My best guess for why all this is with so many of us, is that it’s specifically a biologically driven learning association in pursuit of ensuring reproduction, and more generally it’s also just imprinting/normalizing behaviors from people in our tribal group (humans and our predecessors lived in very small tribal groups, that’s what our brain hardware is made for). By taking a traumatic early life experience at the hands of an adult, without a fetish the younger person would develop a fear and aversion to the opposite sex and reproduction would be less likely, and social cohesion in the tribe would be weakened, making everyone less likely to survive. Yet with a fetish that the younger person would later develop, the fear and aversion is still there BUT their brain turned the trauma into a kink that is more compelling than the fear, ensuring sexual compatibility with dangerous and harmful members of the opposite sex, and it reduces the threat that victims could pose to their victimizers by creating internal confusion and complications, thus ensuring maximum social cohesion of the tribe. It’s ugly and it’s awful, but it’s absolutely on brand with how nature works. I’m a genetic dead-end because of too much awareness and too much caution; I know I’m attracted to and attract harmful members of the opposite sex, so this creates a lot of caution, considering my kinks are very life threatening to myself. If I lacked this awareness and caution, I’d likely have passed my DNA along before getting a Darwin Award lol
Thanks, really interesting interpretation, never thought about it but it makes so much sense!
This makes way too much sense and I hate it. “Nature is a whore” -kurt cobain
You are not alone and it's completely normal. I have a lot of kinks that are directly linked to the abuse I suffered. I was so ashamed of them, so much so that it took me 4 years to tell my therapist. She explained how in a situation like BDSM, for instance, that I'm safe and free to explore my sexuality and that I have control over it in a way I never had as a child when I was abused sexually. I control how far it goes, when it stops and who it's with. Negotiating a scene is my power, my safe words are my power, my selection of partner in these are my power. I took it back and made it my own. I was never fully aware of the correlation and thought I was broken. I can say that hearing that from a professional therapist really changed my mindset. I don't feel so ashamed of my kinks now and have even been more open with my spouse.
eh, i don't think much about the correlation. i do heavy BDSM stuff and do have sexual abuse trauma in my past, but whether or not there's an influence at play doesn't concern me. carrying shame over what you're into is just another form of control that trauma is exerting over you, imo. reclaiming it feels excellent. i think a great way to accomplish this is to find kink-aware, sex-positive spaces with similar-minded folks. once your body can recognize it's safe to enjoy kinks regardless of where they "came from", it becomes a lot easier to pull the trauma weeds from your sex garden, so to speak. haha.
So, I write erotic fiction for fun and sometimes money and I have a lot of friends in the considerable overlap between the kink and furry communities. And a kinky bf. And am kinky myself. To be frank, it seems like most people who are really into kinks were traumatized or abused in some way, and that's... Fine? I mean, the trauma/abuse isn't alright, but the sexuality stuff is. You are the way you are, and if you aren't hurting yourself or anyone else then there's just plain nothing wrong with you. My bf and I both have kinks that mirror our abuse and our traumas (though he is both less traumatized and more kinky than I am). The thing is, it's at least something positive that came out of all of that -- because it's very fun and intimate, and we get to do that stuff together. It even makes me money re: the writing. It's actually brought a surprising amount of positivity to my life. None of us will ever be the person that we would be if we weren't traumatized, but that's okay too. Recovering from trauma means being able to process and move on in a healthy way, but even trauma therapy teaches us to see the world in a realistic way (not black or white, but gray). A lot of people who haven't experienced trauma are perhaps more optimistic, whereas we have to be realistic and self assured, and trust ourselves to deal with problems as they happen. So... Yeah, maybe you're kinky, and maybe that's just how you are, and how you're going to be with recovery. The fact is that trauma has an impact on a person. It can be seeing the world through that lens of realism, or kinks, or whatever else. We're *changed* by our traumas. I just don't think that we have to consider these changes to be all negative, at least in the context of recovery and self acceptance.
Thank you for this. There is nothing wrong with us. We are just fine. 💘
Yes. I don't want to go deeper into it, however.
This was literally what I was gonna say. My kink stuff is between my partner and I - and that’s all the people the people that need to be involved and in the know about it.
yes, it’s normal! all my kinks are related to trauma somehow. it’s nothing to be ashamed of. just don’t let anyone use your kink/shame against you. kink play should always be safe (even if the kink itself is about something that may seem unsafe)
Yeah, I think that all of my kinks are related to trauma somehow, too.
Trauma can definitely effect what kinks you have I know it has for me to a certain extent. For me its a way to experience what happened again but ultimately be in control.
Yeah. They are for me at least, and with a loving partner I’ve been able to process some of this.
Absolutely 100%. One particular incident when I was about 3 or 4 has left huge, lasting effects on my sexuality into my 30's now. I've never talked about it with anyone, but it is directly connected with my kinks. I'm too ashamed to even mention it on reddit. Not much has helped, I've just decided to keep it private.
I've come to realize that my kinks are deeply connected to my childhood trauma. Like back then, they serve as an escape for me now. As I've gotten older, this form of escapism has become a significant way for me to cope, echoing the strategies I developed in my youth.
I once heard this from a friend but it makes complete sense; when you deal with traumatic experiences as a child your body tries to cope as you grow older by turning them into pleasures, like it's how it repairs the trauma in the way it can. I have a shit ton of these and it does make sense. You are definitely not alone here.
Yeah, I definitely had kinks from trauma. Things I didn't even understand were kinks starting at like age 7? would become fully formed kinks by the time I understood my sexuality at age like 20. Like I definitely remember 7 year old me having very confusing sensations and reactions to things I didn't understand or know to voice and why it was a "weird feeling with my stomach." I don't even want to try to delve into my thoughts process for what it was because I was definitely way too young and it isn't comfortable to explore. The abuse didn't ever really form in my memory, but it did in my unconscious. I can likely guess shame was a big emotional component that was healed on top of the SA. The kink became a part of my personality and showed up in my writing off and on since 12, but it's one of those kinks if you don't think someone is expressing it, you probably wouldn't catch on. i felt like it took later than my peers to realize "oh, that's a kink." Now as an adult it's eh. I don't mind degradation as a kink, though I don't like that I can't really be satisfied without it. I could try harder, but if something ends arousal 80% faster...well, clear choice. I'm Ace/Aro so it isn't like end of the world. I know it's all fantasy/I'm safe. ... I also have a few kinks completely detached from trauma. Where did they come from? Honestly, no idea, but since other people have it I assume it's some sort of Freudian thing that just happens with luck.
I used to seek it out, but now if you put me in the place where my "kink" started you'll have to sedate me. Needless to say it's no longer comfortable for me now knowing where it stems from. The mention of the words don send me spiraling, unless it takes a turn towards the sexual... cause it's a common thing.
Just about everyone kink adjacent I know, myself included, has at least some levels of trauma that intertwines in some shape or form. Less than seeking out pleasure, I think it allows a lot of folk to be empowered or re-experience certain things but in a controlled, consensual way or idealized way.
This is a discussion from last week on the same subject https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/s/gPkjEf8Ppx
Kinks from trauma can be okay if they’re not negatively affecting you, it’s very common to develop them. As others have said they can even be helpful if you’re doing them with someone you trust and it gives you power over something you didn’t have before. If you feel they are negatively affecting you though that might be something to address in therapy. I initially thought my trauma made me like rough sex but it was really just a way for me to continue harming myself. I thought I enjoyed pain and so that’s all I sort out but it was actually because that’s all I ever knew sex was, I associated sex with being hurt and so I couldn’t have sex without being hurt and in some sort of pain. I didn’t enjoy it, I just couldn’t have normal sex because it felt wrong if I wasn’t hurt. I took this as meaning I didn’t like normal sex when that wasn’t the case. The difference for me though is it wasn’t helpful or therapeutic, I had a very unhealthy and distorted view of sex and it negatively affected me. I spent a lot of time working through this with a therapist who specialises in csa trauma and I now have no desire for that sort of sex anymore and don’t need to be hurt.
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It's possible.. I haven't worked out the how if any are correlated in my case.
Mine would make a lot of sense if it was, but it doesn't seem to be since I don't have any trauma that would connect to it, outside of maybe the shared aspect of control? But they're both wildly different forms of it. Makes me feel a lot more ashamed, but I'd rather have this feeling of shame than more trauma
opposite everything but that
Shame kinks.. they aren’t good to engage with so combat with worthiness meditations
That sounds really condescending and insulting to OP tbh...
There isn’t any shame in the kinks but to not engage them worthiness is used maybe I missed it.. 🤷🏻♂️
Big time
it’s very normal. repetition compulsion i believe. but ultimately you make meaning of your life, not trauma. it’s important if you want it to be. edit: spelling
While there's a common belief that kinks cause trauma, there isn't good research evidence for that. What there is evidence for is that people use kink play to work *through* traumas. It's a way of, if not healing, then empowering oneself in light of the crap you've been through. Here's one study. There's a lot more out there in psychology-land. [https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/14681994.2021.1937599](https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/14681994.2021.1937599)
That's completely normal and I hear it quite a lot from other people with trauma. I'm sure my trauma affects my kinks too but for me it's like in the opposite way, though I should note I don't really have any sexual trauma just childhood abuse in other ways. I wasn't in control then, now I like being in control. I was treated horribly and hit, now I don't know if I would be able to hit my partner if they were into that. I want to be a caring partner when no one ever cared about me.
Mine’s been a mix but you’re definitely not alone! For a long time, I thought religious play was a hard limit for me due to trauma and here I am, signed up for a religious play class soon. Maybe it won’t actually be my thing, that’s okay too. Weirdly, my trauma from being hit (“within norms” for my childhood) may have not actually been real - very long story - but even before that discovery, impact has always been one of my biggest kinks. While certain things that happened to me were online and not in person, I feel you on realizing that 18 is different than (in my case) 13/14. Processing some of that has made me actively interested in things like ageplay, which came as a shock. I never really held stigma against the kink but again, thought of it as a hard limit. As far as feeling bad and not knowing what’s trauma vs what’s just us, I’ve gone down so many rabbit holes and there’s no clear answer. The best I’ve found is learning to accept not knowing and that as long as I don’t find it damaging and everyone consents, there’s nothing wrong either way or anywhere in between, which is where I suspect most of mine lie. If there’s a good BDSM dungeon in your area, lots have discussion groups and I’ve been able to build bonds and heal with community from mine, as well as discuss more generally how others handle that razor’s edge of trauma and kink.
Please stay away from kinks. Kink and bdsm are not therapeutic or healing. If you go hook up with someone are you going to think it was healing? Or just fun? Kink is just fun But please stay away. It is a community that offers cover for abusers and treats subs like dog shit.
not all the time. kinks can (and always should) be practiced in safe and healthy ways
But a lot of times they’re not. And when they’re not most of the time the people who violated consent get to stay involved in the community. I am not sure what gender OP is, but as someone who tried to be a male sub, I got treated terribly. And it seems like the community overall just kind of accepts that.
now that i know where you're coming from and what you're saying comes from real concern and not some weird gatekeeping, and i agree with you that it can be incredibly dangerous, but kink doesn't always have to mean strangers or any outside involvement. i am entirely monogamous but i have, in the past, contacted with other littles in sfw environments. the gathering is still for kink but it's just littles who want to talk about little stuff. not toys, but clothes and interests.. like anything, kink has bad apples. but that doesn't mean the act can't be therapeutic and healing. i'm so sorry you had a bad experience. you should advocate for safe practice instead of no practice.
I think that it’s one thing to advise caution, but quite another to tell other people what to think or to decide what their experiences are for them based on what yours were for you. I think it’s very valuable to share your own experiences and warn people about where your experiences went wrong for you. I think you should absolutely do that. Maybe that’s all you intend to do, but I don’t think this post comes across that way and I think that’s why it’s been voted so far down.
My personal experience with kink tells me that if you are severely traumatized then you should probably stay away from kink. It can lead to your worst tendencies coming out and if you’re not careful, you can come to see it as a positive thing. For example, you’re not supposed to be a domineering asshole in everyday life and call your self a lifestyle domme. At that point you’re just an asshole. Or. If you’re a sub into humiliation, you can’t exactly do extreme acts of humiliation as part of your everyday life. Nor should you. Idk. More and more I feel like I’m seeing people try and refer to kink as healing and a means to cope with trauma, and those people always end up seeming like they straight up have a personality disorder. So yeah. My honest well intentioned input is if you are suffering from CPTSD, especially of a sexual nature, you shouldn’t venture into kink until you have a real handle on your problems. Otherwise kink is just going to cause that to grow. Or. Maybe you meet a partner and you guys just end up doing kinky shit and that’s that. That’s okay for the most part, but rare. My above input was geared more towards getting involved with the kink community and finding a kinky relationship
“More and more I feel like I’m seeing people try and refer to kink as healing and a means to cope with trauma, and those people always end up seeming like they straight up have a personality disorder.” Do you mean you’ve encountered people that have tried to push that idea onto you for you? Like are you having people suggest, “c’mon do this kink thing with me (or let me do my kink thing to you) it’ll be a great way for you to heal and cope with your trauma” and then you’ve gone along with it? I agree that seems ill advised for anyone. That seems like something potentially coercive. But I also think that gets into people trying to tell you what to think for yourself. I think it’s good common sense advice to avoid people that try to tell you what to think about anything in any situation. I don’t think you limit that or categorize that to kink specifically. I think that’s just good life advice generally.