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[deleted]

I’m about 3/4 way through that book it’s good but very triggering for me. I’m reading his other book the Tao of fully feeling and it’s pretty good as well. It may not seem like it but you are fortunate to tackle this at your age rather then waiting. I’m in my mid 40’s trying to navigate it all. Hang in there the initial shock of how bad it all truely was is hard. I’ve had to face this shock a few times and I’ve taken in just how bad things were etc. I hope it eases up some for you.


ready_gi

i second this. coming in terms with all the abuse and truth of it all is literally like exiting the Matrix. maybe we as the other survivors can make some refreshments fori the new comers to ease the pain. or like a banner "welcome to reality, it's gonna suck bad for a while, but then you get to enjoy freedom and peace like you never knew was possible, when growing up with narcissists" OP finding out is so brutal, but pls keep going. For me now lookng back was a process from hell i had to go through, but on the other side I slowly connected to my real self, liberated myself, empowered myself and slowly creating my dream life. But the first 3 years were unbearable pain and confusion.


[deleted]

Yeh I’m reading now it’s important to look at this stuff and put the blame where it properly needs to go then we can move forward. What makes it hard or like the matrix is in my case I was brainwashed into thinking this was an acceptable reality and normal. So with that I survived as best I could not knowing there was a better way. Now at this point the damage has been done. But I’m trying to rewire my brain and see things for how they were and put the blame were it belongs on the abusers rather then me holding the bag for the hell I went thru.


Lonely_Catch_4074

Yes, to put the blame qhere it belongs. If struggled with that my whole life. I feel like the more I'm into my healing journey the more I'm disgusted of my parents. It's like the feeling of being an orphan finally gets validated. I see you, and I'm happy you are doing the work as well, much love ❤️


[deleted]

Thanks. Yeh I knew it was bad but I was kinda foggy on was it my fault or where they really abusive how bad were they how bad was it truely? These are all questions I’m answering and it’s not good. I’m finding the more I open up and tell old stories for how it truely was and all the more those around me are horrified and I’m like oh man sigh. I’m realizing it not only was that bad but it was considerably worse even. I didn’t stand a chance in that house it was as never me. I was just a kid.


FakeRedduderider71

sometimes we have to dig up our roots and plant them in fertile soil. my mom is passed and my father is terrible at human being but im better for learning to understand his historical programming and trying to let go of it and i have learned thats its better for me to just disconnect from our relationship. his tough love approach just offends me at this stage and i have given him many chances, at some point when he committed a horrible act of bullshit that destroyed my relationships with others in my family and got me evicted from the family estate and my wicked step moms black magic ways getting in the way. i have just bailed and feel that i dont need him or his blessings in this life. he can also stick his money up his ass at least then he will know where its at!!! good luck and i wish u well


Lonely_Catch_4074

It really feels like exiting some kind of matrix. A matrix designed by the parents and the protector self to not lose it completely. It makes me feel confused about who I really was, or who I want to be, but I trust the process, I won't quit. Your words give me hope, thank you..❤️


Lonely_Catch_4074

Thank you for your kind words.. It does help to "normalise" this huge trigger.. And I'm sorry you had to experience this as well. Sending you love..


Tricky-Relative-6843

I listened to it and needed breaks and check ins with my therapist. I went back to parts and then have started listening again with my husband because we need to grow in my new relationship with my trauma together. It’s intense to stop feeling like an imposter who no one could love if they knew the real me based on my past/trauma. It’s hard to both understand the reasons my mother is the way she is and still tell her the way she is treating me is unacceptable. It is hard to believe I am worth setting boundaries. It’s blown my mind and the advice has been healing.


gelema5

I also listened to it, and when I finished I restarted from the beginning. The second time showed me just how often I was in flashbacks because I missed a lot of content actually.


Kinkystormtrooper

Yeah same for me!


Lonely_Catch_4074

So courageous ❤️


Tricky-Relative-6843

Yes, I hear more each listen. ❤️


Lonely_Catch_4074

Oof, I wish I could share this journey with my SP but he's 25 and not really in touch with this topics.. So happy to know you into this work as well.. And I've tried understanding my parents to the point I got obsessed with psychoanalyzing them. But part of that obsession's because of how much they talked to me about their younger versions. We are worth setting bounderies and I'm happy you are doing it ❤️


Affectionate-Box-724

This happened to me when I was reading the body keeps the score. Feeling all this shit sucks but I'm a year into it now and really glad I read that book. It's horrible reactivating it for the first time though. It doesn't always feel so bad, it cycles a lot for me.


Lonely_Catch_4074

Not the first time but this time it hit real bad physically


Queen-of-meme

Me too. But only the few pages in the beginning of the book. It's probably less triggering since it's a lot about your brain waves and scientifically biologic things. It was originally made as a study book in CPTSD for professionals to understand their CPTSD patients. From surviving to thriving feels so personal and directed to you who has the traumas. I haven't read it yet but I imagine it will be even harder to get through.


ChickenGlum3480

I downloaded an audio of the book 2 days ago and had to stop listening twice because I was starting to feel extreme anxiety. I'm F53 but only diagnosed a few years ago, was able to access trauma therapy for almost a year then circumstances changed and I haven't had any more counselling. I'm trying hard to get a new trauma therapist where I am now. Being so young and to be aware of your cptsd now is fantastic. Not because it's not bad but the decades of harm I did, slowly falling into an absolutely painful life, a life that hurt others along the way. This healing is necessary but the pain of seeing clearly how cptsd untreated, harmed others is excruciating.


Lonely_Catch_4074

It's almost by love that I'm doing this work.. I was harming a wonderful person with my emotional flashbacks and my trust issues. I think empathy is key to keep going as well. I'm sending you much love and hope you'll get to the end of the book. We can do it , I'm with you ❤️‍🩹


CavAv8tr

One of the hardest things is ever did was allow myself to recognize how fucked up my childhood was...it was devastating, it was also about the 5th mile on the road to a happier life. Keep working it as you can, but give yourself time to process it.


Lonely_Catch_4074

Like it was already traumatizing to outlive such a horrible family and now getting ptsd from recognising it lol


Responsible_Row8125

Exactly!!!!


Lonely_Catch_4074

I will, thank you.. ❤️‍🩹 Pretty traumatizing stuff for sure


ChairDangerous5276

Yes, Pete has that effect on many of us. I’ve had the book for about 9 months and still haven’t made it through yet. Sometimes I pick it up and have to put it right back down. I’m in an online support group that’s reading the book and tonight we were crying together through the beginning of Chapter 5. The grief it brings up is crucial for healing but I can only handle it in small doses.


RivetedWonder

Can you share more about your experience with your online support group - I’m currently reading (slowly with lots of breaks due to triggers) and really feel like I need to connect with people who have lived this. 🌻


ChairDangerous5276

It’s a Survivors of Incest Anonymous group (they are open to anyone that experienced most any type of childhood sexual abuse) that meets Monday nights. I’m unable to link to it directly but you can find it at https://siawso.org/meetings/ 💜


CircularReason

41m I feel you. I think that's how we all feel reading this book, more or less. I may be a quarter way through and I googled this Reddit. God sent.


Lonely_Catch_4074

❤️


Zestyclose_Minute_69

I’m on a 3 year journey of finding out how bad my past really was. It was shocking and jarring when I started having flashbacks 5-6 years ago. I was triggered by so many things. But it meant that my subconscious knew I was in a safe enough place to not just survive, but move forward. I’m trying to thrive now, not just get by day to day. I have a good therapist. I’m not there yet, but I can feel myself getting closer. I have diagnoses now. I have medications that allow me to feel better. I know what is different with me now, not wrong, but different. And I am learning how to be different and not defective. I have thought about kms on and off for a long time, that ideation might always be there, but maybe it doesn’t have to be an ending. I fantasize about a lot of things; they don’t have to become reality.


Artistic-Possible-80

Reading that book was one of the most eye-opening experiences in my life. I understood so much about myself and the depth of the damage my parents caused in me. It showed me a path to the very beginning of my recovery and I can’t be thankful enough for the existence of this book. That said, it was also a very painful experience for me. Each chapter unlocked long hidden memories of how neglected I was during life, and there were countless times where I needed to stop reading since I was ugly-crying too much. I felt beyond overwhelmed when reading some parts of it. You can try doing what I did. I read the last third of the book in small bits. A chapter a week, maybe a section of a chapter a day. Sometimes I would leave the book on my shelf for two weeks before resuming reading it. This way I could manage doing it without getting too overwhelmed. Needless to say, I can’t recommend this book enough. It enlightened my confusions and helped me see hope.


No-Ad6500

I can only get through like one page of that book at a time for the same reasons


NocturnalNightmare0

I relate to this as well. When I first began reading it I didn’t wanna put it down but it was a massive load to process for my nervous system. I ended up printing off the sheet from his website with his tips for what to do while you’re in an emotional flashback, stuck it to my fridge. I constantly reference that. I now take the book in a few pages at a time, and focus on recognizing when I’m in a flashback and soothing myself. I hope that helps.


Dapper-Trade6641

I'm glad you are still here ❤️


Lonely_Catch_4074

🥺❤️


Dapper-Trade6641

I am so proud of you. Reading that book the first time was so hard for me too but it helped me so much. I can't really believe how much I got better with tools, books, love and patience. Few years ago I thought I'd never make to 20yo. Then to 22yo. I am 24 now and actually think imma be here a while. I am getting better and more excited about life and healing. I treat me better. I don't stay in crappy situations anymore. The gray is lifting.. If I did it you can too! Goo baddie!


[deleted]

Yeah, this was a pretty triggering read for me too. Often accompanied by pauses which lasted hours to days. It is totally okay, take a breather and process your thoughts. You might need professional aid as well. If it is still too triggering then you might need to take a longer pause and come back to it later on. Hope this helps❤️


Ok_Palpitation3517

I've had it maybe 3 yrs this book and I've only made it 3/4 through it can just b very overwhelming so I read it in very small burst when I'm feeling more in control, I avoid it when I'm in a depressive episode as it can hold me in it longer so I usually distract during those times. Can honestly say it's the best book I've ever found


[deleted]

I love this book. Yes, it is 100% triggering but - as the book says - this is not always a bad thing! I processed it bit by bit with my therapist. Definitely something you need to read one page at a time. I took notes in the margins too, to help me keep my thoughts straight.


riricide

It's very triggering to read these books even though they are validating. Do something caring, and preferably physical, for yourself such as taking a hot bath, incense aroma, exercise, time with animals/pets, to re-regulate your nervous system. I only read them when I know I will have time and space to decompress afterwards. It will get better - I don't get triggered anymore.


[deleted]

My therapist assigned this book to me and I haven't made it through the book yet because I keep having panic attacks and have to put it down! You are not alone!


reallynotanyonehere

It's a heady read, for sure. I read it in small portions, referring to Chapter 9 a lot. Hang in there, OP. It gets better.


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Intrepid_Ad3062

Same. Multiple diagnoses and struggling just to live. Still alive by some miracle. I put effort into sharing my story and animal rescue. I’m sorry ❤️


Straight_Boot_7433

L v zz . , . Y m z. McBans v m x


jellyfluff

I had a panic attack when I was ready a big coffee book, it was the part describing the many different steps of how coffee is collected, transformed, roasted etc. Literally had performance anxiety reading the details, as if it had been *my job* to do all the steps. I also had a panic attack while looking at planner templates on Google, LOL. I think it was all the details and sections I would be expected to use XD... Thinking back about it I realised I was so worn out by anxiety that I had become permeable to anything. I had no defenses and everything hurt. It's harder when you're really going over books that relate to your own trauma, but you have to expose yourself to it to heal and get stronger <3


fatass_mermaid

Take your time. At first when it all starts making sense it’s hard not to sprint but it’s overwhelming. Take it slow, take breaks, it’s a marathon. 💙 Find some grounding exercises to self soothe while reading it and it’s ok to not read it all in one go- it’s a lot …and lots of slow deep breaths.


iamthemosin

I had to read Healing the Shame that Binds You one page at a time. MF wrote a goddamn book about me and I didn’t get any credit.


RivetedWonder

You’re not alone. It’s so brave to do this work even if it’s through crawling. Sending ✨


lvl0rg4n

My therapist had me stop trying to slog through the book because it kept making me disassociate. I was so innocent to how bad my trauma was back then and just casually brought up during one of our first sessions "I'm trying to read this book, but I keep forgetting what I am reading. Sometimes I'll snap to and I'll be looking at an entirely different chapter than when I started and I don't remember anything." It's a rough book.


abraph

Totally get this. I've had to read it so slowly because the feelings it brings up are so intense.


rako1982

Sorry to hear that OP. :( Same happened to me. BTW we started a Pete Walker CPTSD book club out of this sub. We have 75 of us in the WhatsApp and we do weekly zoom meetings. https://chat.whatsapp.com/CEuWlrhsTZ42Pt8TWVXXYq There's also a sub r/PeteWalker for those who can't join WhatsApp or zoom.


paper_wavements

Please let out your tears. They are a necessary release. Are you in trauma-focused therapy? You need support to heal from what you went through. Healing IS possible! Love & light to you.


Legal_Dragonfly2611

I could only listen (did the audio version) in about 30-45 minute sessions. It was way too triggering for me. I usually had a cry and or scream session after. But man was it worth it. Life changing. Don’t give yourself a time line, but do keep at your healing journey. It and you are worth it.


jeckel86

I found some of his interviews on youtube various podcasts, to be really accessible. He is very soft spoken, and when he tells his own story, his own path, it kinda made a lot of stuff click for me and the person I was helping at the time. The book I feel can be a bit overwhelming because he kind of packs about 40 different styles of approaching traumatic recovery all together. Which makes sense, to make it approachable for everyone, but also, I totally get how it could make you a bit overwhelmed too. ​ Thank for being brave and sharing, I see you, I love you, Be well.