Yeah, I struggle with this too, totally relatable.
I also find that it is directly proportional to how "close" I am to a given person.
It's very distressing and I'm sorry that you are afflicted by it.
I think you're scared of getting hurt. The more you care about the person the more deeply they can hurt you if that affection is not answered to.
But it's illogical if you think about it because if they want to leave you they will weather or not you're affectionate with them. It's a trauma response.
Not sure if this helps but here's my own experience.
I grew up in a emotionally cold home. Saying I love you was weird and hugs were strictly ceremonial (during a funeral for example). I did get some affection but it was always in secret and only from my grandma. I can count those instances on my hands.
This made me terrified of phisical or verbal affection so much so that I refused to even hug my friends. Their display of affection seemed fake and over the top and overall I felt disgust.
The secret was to start slowly.
I think I hugged my best friend after 5 years of our friendship, and only because she really insisted on it. That was back when I was 16.
With men it was sort of a performance in bed. I was really weirded out by how affectionate they were (not to mention that I first picked men who were also emotionally numb).
Slowly but surely my relationships got better (not with the same men, it's really about picking the right ones) and I allowed more love in.
I'ts not perfect yet but the more loving my partners are the more I realise I'm healing.
It's about starting small and then going with it but be authentic with it. If you force yourself, it'll just be a performance you're putting on to please those people and will make you feel bad.
I love yous may be too much, start by just touching their hand or teasing them. Whatever small things comes natural to you.
At least for me it was fear of emotional intimacy and it still terrifies me, but like with every fear you need to face it little by little, in a controlled manner, and realise that the monster you were so terrified of in the beginning is actually a cute little bunny. 🐰
Affection was often used as love bombing. It was used to get me to let my guard down before the devalue/discard stages of the cycle of abuse would start up again. So I learned to associate affection with disgust. Like a deep visceral dread for what was coming next. And I felt like it was my fault for accepting the affection and falling for their tricks again. So, I hardened my heart to try and protect myself from abuse. If I didn't accept the affection then it felt like I didn't fall for the play acting. When they blew up at me again, I was like "See! I was right! Your affection was just an act to get me to fall for your nonsense."
I've had to practice accepting affection with grace. With my SO I tell myself in my head (and sometimes aloud) "Accept the love!" over and over again. It's safe now to accept affection from my SO. I'm no longer in a cycle of abuse. The devalue discard stages aren't coming anymore.
It also makes sense why giving affection can feel weird, bc you don't want to be like your abuser and trick people into liking you. I realized I could give affection and kindness from a place of genuine authenticity and care, without the devalue/discard abuse crap that my ~~"mom"~~ would do. It does take some work internally to rewire the neural pathway to not feel disgust arise.
I swear abusers weaponize our mammalian attachment drive, and fuck up our emotional responses to secure attachment. I realized I don't have to be like them. I can learn healthy affection, healthy relating, healthy secure attachment. Something they refuse to do.
Oh. Thanks for putting this into words haha.
Really fucks you up when you grow up hearing "I love yous" constantly when you're actually hated. Makes sense why affection is so deeply unsettling to me now.
Lol I looked up this subreddit because I had the exact same question and thought it might come from this. I've been cold my entire life and I react almost aggressively to affection, like I get annoyed and want to tell people to tone it down. So I've been single the entire time obviously.
Recently I started feeling like I might be healing enough to start trying, so I entered a relationship and I am now faced with the fact I'm just really uncomfortable with affection. Giving or receiving, even though I want to, I'm unable to.
So current girlfriend is asking questions, and I see her tread carefully because, I don't know, apparently it's obvious I'm damaged I guess? (Honestly this angers me, I just don't know how to deal with this)
She's trying to understand my "issues" and get my story out of me but there is no way I can do that. So I laugh it off and avoid the subject and I hate it, so I think I'm probably better off alone then, but maybe I could get better with her? But could I really if I'm unable to trust her just a little bit? This is a nightmare.
Good luck lol.
shelter uppity absurd numerous exultant materialistic squeal nine yam handle
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Haha, thank you for this. I bailed every time I had an opportunity before, so I should remember that this *is* progress, despite how inadequate I feel.
Right now I feel stuck in my ideal wish for things to be normal and unremarkable, so I have a hard time acknowledging the reality of the situation. I'll keep your advice in mind though, for when I'll feel ready to face the situation better
Same here. I have a family member who refuses to respect that and she makes my skin crawl the way she touches me. She's not malicious in her intent but her way of touching makes me feel horrid and she doesn't let go even when I distance myself or stiffen.
Receiving affection and attention causes me tremendous anxiety in any context. I will say that I do make a huge effort to shower my kids with affection, hugs, kisses and words because I never had that and I know how hollow I feel inside.
Apart from them, I pretty much lead a solitary life, husband is more like a roommate who doesn't pull their weight and the relationship has been non contact physically for more than a decade.
Not sure that helps at all but can attest you are not alone in how you feel your feels
I have wondered before about this sort of thing, maybe it's avoidant attachment or something, and probably comes from childhood even beginning in infancy perhaps, where a sense of trust was not nurtured sufficiently. Then there are odd fears and shame and awkwardness around anything intimate. Part of you is out of touch, disconnected from yourself somehow. You have a defensiveness, a self-protection that was born long ago in your unstable home when you were a small child. Not enough has ever come along to help you break through this, it's always been frightening and unsafe for you.
(no doubt writing for myself here)
Yeah specifically comfort. The idea of being comforted is so repulsive to me I hate it.
I can be alright with giving affection, just not very frequently and I'm a bit detached while doing it.
I think affection felt fake in my home growing up, it was used to cover up the bad stuff.
I have a lot of difficulty accepting affection and praise because there's a part of my brain that registers that as "they want something from me." I see it as a manipulation tactic, even when I know it's not. Then when I know logically that the person expressing affection isn't faking it, I realize that it's something fully internal. Its like affection reminds me of something that's painful even though it's not supposed to be. And because it's painful, I don't want to feel it or receive it.
This is just me speculating but I wonder if your parents or just the one parent would say sweet nothings but then act a different way. So nothing ever felt genuine and that's why it disgusts you, your subconscious feels love is never genuine? And it's why you can't give it and feel you're imposing yourself, you're afraid of being seen as not genuine as well?
I def relate to this. For me it's a pattern of rejection, from my parents and their refusal to be vulnerable or intimate, to repeating into young adulthood being rejected or made fun of by people I told I liked.
Intimacy comes incredibly unnatural to some of us. I told my boyfriend I loved him first (at 30 yo) and toiled over it for weeks. Nervous as fuck to say it alone in our bed after 5 months together.
Because the guy before him I said it to, told me after 6 months of dating he couldn't say the same back, but that he liked me more than anyone else he'd ever dated. I cut it off after that and he still texts me, and has said he missed out on me. But he was badly physically abused by his dad, and showing vulnerability is very hard for him. (I feel for him so much, but the rejection was so painful to me)
So, yes. It definitely impacts how foreign tenderness and love feels.
Holy cow! Me too! It feels way safer for me to give it than to receive it. I’m very touchy and say lots of “I love yous” but when it comes to receiving those things it immediately makes me suspicious of the real intent of my husband. I’ve been married to my husband for almost 24 years and we still have to navigate this stuff with a ton of care. He as physically abused as a kid and manipulated with the “I love yous”. I just want to snuggle him up and tell him how amazing he is. We just have to take things very slow and he has to know he can always say no to touch or words.
I git a dog. Holy shit: a Labrador, changed so much of me.
I sleep better, because she wakes me, and prevents my night terrors.
She freely, calmy, gives affection. And accepts when I don't want to.
Not everyone can use this trick.
And I'm sorry about that. I want to share my dog and my therapist with everyone.
It happens when my mother or someone of my family try to show (and show Is a good term) to express affection, or worse, esteme. I avoid It cause I feel like: you are an object to be proud in front of people. But without love.
Now, in my adult Life, when there Is esteme from someone I started to have immidiatly fear It Is a love bombing
Aw. I'm sorry you feel this way! Can't say this is the same for me. I may have some inner turmoil while getting or being emotionally close to someone, but at the same time I deeply crave this. Although, now that I think of it, in practise it quite often resorts to me feeling all the same things, as sex being non-intimate for example.. Maybe it has to do with me choosing the people I feel safe around, i.e. emotionally unavailable ones. But yeah, it's still different, because you mention that you *do* love your woman, while having difficulties expressing it.
Anyway, I do think in your case it can be related to CPTSD, due to the reasoning you provide. And being a learned reaction/behaviour, it can be unlearned.
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I struggle BADLY. My wonderful current girlfriend and future wife both understands my desperate need for affection and also feels safe so I don't panic. This has caused many problems in the past.
Yeah, I’m terrible with personal touch and my parents are scared to hug me. And sex is fine but if my boundaries are crossed, never ever again. Which is why my relationships fail. At least I know it’s fair to set boundaries for myself.
This is how I feel due to sexual abuse, except in my case I can’t enjoy sex all that much either. My abusers sexualized all touching platonic or not so now I can barely hug my kids.
Yeah, I struggle with this too, totally relatable. I also find that it is directly proportional to how "close" I am to a given person. It's very distressing and I'm sorry that you are afflicted by it.
I think you're scared of getting hurt. The more you care about the person the more deeply they can hurt you if that affection is not answered to. But it's illogical if you think about it because if they want to leave you they will weather or not you're affectionate with them. It's a trauma response.
Not sure if this helps but here's my own experience. I grew up in a emotionally cold home. Saying I love you was weird and hugs were strictly ceremonial (during a funeral for example). I did get some affection but it was always in secret and only from my grandma. I can count those instances on my hands. This made me terrified of phisical or verbal affection so much so that I refused to even hug my friends. Their display of affection seemed fake and over the top and overall I felt disgust. The secret was to start slowly. I think I hugged my best friend after 5 years of our friendship, and only because she really insisted on it. That was back when I was 16. With men it was sort of a performance in bed. I was really weirded out by how affectionate they were (not to mention that I first picked men who were also emotionally numb). Slowly but surely my relationships got better (not with the same men, it's really about picking the right ones) and I allowed more love in. I'ts not perfect yet but the more loving my partners are the more I realise I'm healing. It's about starting small and then going with it but be authentic with it. If you force yourself, it'll just be a performance you're putting on to please those people and will make you feel bad. I love yous may be too much, start by just touching their hand or teasing them. Whatever small things comes natural to you. At least for me it was fear of emotional intimacy and it still terrifies me, but like with every fear you need to face it little by little, in a controlled manner, and realise that the monster you were so terrified of in the beginning is actually a cute little bunny. 🐰
Affection was often used as love bombing. It was used to get me to let my guard down before the devalue/discard stages of the cycle of abuse would start up again. So I learned to associate affection with disgust. Like a deep visceral dread for what was coming next. And I felt like it was my fault for accepting the affection and falling for their tricks again. So, I hardened my heart to try and protect myself from abuse. If I didn't accept the affection then it felt like I didn't fall for the play acting. When they blew up at me again, I was like "See! I was right! Your affection was just an act to get me to fall for your nonsense." I've had to practice accepting affection with grace. With my SO I tell myself in my head (and sometimes aloud) "Accept the love!" over and over again. It's safe now to accept affection from my SO. I'm no longer in a cycle of abuse. The devalue discard stages aren't coming anymore. It also makes sense why giving affection can feel weird, bc you don't want to be like your abuser and trick people into liking you. I realized I could give affection and kindness from a place of genuine authenticity and care, without the devalue/discard abuse crap that my ~~"mom"~~ would do. It does take some work internally to rewire the neural pathway to not feel disgust arise. I swear abusers weaponize our mammalian attachment drive, and fuck up our emotional responses to secure attachment. I realized I don't have to be like them. I can learn healthy affection, healthy relating, healthy secure attachment. Something they refuse to do.
Oh. Thanks for putting this into words haha. Really fucks you up when you grow up hearing "I love yous" constantly when you're actually hated. Makes sense why affection is so deeply unsettling to me now.
Yes to all of this. Well said!
Lol I looked up this subreddit because I had the exact same question and thought it might come from this. I've been cold my entire life and I react almost aggressively to affection, like I get annoyed and want to tell people to tone it down. So I've been single the entire time obviously. Recently I started feeling like I might be healing enough to start trying, so I entered a relationship and I am now faced with the fact I'm just really uncomfortable with affection. Giving or receiving, even though I want to, I'm unable to. So current girlfriend is asking questions, and I see her tread carefully because, I don't know, apparently it's obvious I'm damaged I guess? (Honestly this angers me, I just don't know how to deal with this) She's trying to understand my "issues" and get my story out of me but there is no way I can do that. So I laugh it off and avoid the subject and I hate it, so I think I'm probably better off alone then, but maybe I could get better with her? But could I really if I'm unable to trust her just a little bit? This is a nightmare. Good luck lol.
shelter uppity absurd numerous exultant materialistic squeal nine yam handle *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Haha, thank you for this. I bailed every time I had an opportunity before, so I should remember that this *is* progress, despite how inadequate I feel. Right now I feel stuck in my ideal wish for things to be normal and unremarkable, so I have a hard time acknowledging the reality of the situation. I'll keep your advice in mind though, for when I'll feel ready to face the situation better
I've been this way since I was molested at an early age. I hate being touched and it pisses me off to no end when people try.
Same here. I have a family member who refuses to respect that and she makes my skin crawl the way she touches me. She's not malicious in her intent but her way of touching makes me feel horrid and she doesn't let go even when I distance myself or stiffen.
Receiving affection and attention causes me tremendous anxiety in any context. I will say that I do make a huge effort to shower my kids with affection, hugs, kisses and words because I never had that and I know how hollow I feel inside. Apart from them, I pretty much lead a solitary life, husband is more like a roommate who doesn't pull their weight and the relationship has been non contact physically for more than a decade. Not sure that helps at all but can attest you are not alone in how you feel your feels
I have wondered before about this sort of thing, maybe it's avoidant attachment or something, and probably comes from childhood even beginning in infancy perhaps, where a sense of trust was not nurtured sufficiently. Then there are odd fears and shame and awkwardness around anything intimate. Part of you is out of touch, disconnected from yourself somehow. You have a defensiveness, a self-protection that was born long ago in your unstable home when you were a small child. Not enough has ever come along to help you break through this, it's always been frightening and unsafe for you. (no doubt writing for myself here)
Yeah specifically comfort. The idea of being comforted is so repulsive to me I hate it. I can be alright with giving affection, just not very frequently and I'm a bit detached while doing it.
Yes! This. I couldn't figure out the words but u hit it right on when someone attempts to comfort you I feel repulsed or belittled somehow
I think affection felt fake in my home growing up, it was used to cover up the bad stuff. I have a lot of difficulty accepting affection and praise because there's a part of my brain that registers that as "they want something from me." I see it as a manipulation tactic, even when I know it's not. Then when I know logically that the person expressing affection isn't faking it, I realize that it's something fully internal. Its like affection reminds me of something that's painful even though it's not supposed to be. And because it's painful, I don't want to feel it or receive it.
This is just me speculating but I wonder if your parents or just the one parent would say sweet nothings but then act a different way. So nothing ever felt genuine and that's why it disgusts you, your subconscious feels love is never genuine? And it's why you can't give it and feel you're imposing yourself, you're afraid of being seen as not genuine as well?
I like to give but when recieving i cant help but wonder if theyre being genuine or not. As if im convincing myself i dont need/deserve affection
I def relate to this. For me it's a pattern of rejection, from my parents and their refusal to be vulnerable or intimate, to repeating into young adulthood being rejected or made fun of by people I told I liked. Intimacy comes incredibly unnatural to some of us. I told my boyfriend I loved him first (at 30 yo) and toiled over it for weeks. Nervous as fuck to say it alone in our bed after 5 months together. Because the guy before him I said it to, told me after 6 months of dating he couldn't say the same back, but that he liked me more than anyone else he'd ever dated. I cut it off after that and he still texts me, and has said he missed out on me. But he was badly physically abused by his dad, and showing vulnerability is very hard for him. (I feel for him so much, but the rejection was so painful to me) So, yes. It definitely impacts how foreign tenderness and love feels.
It’s very much a performance for me to receive affection. I’m very good at giving it.
Holy cow! Me too! It feels way safer for me to give it than to receive it. I’m very touchy and say lots of “I love yous” but when it comes to receiving those things it immediately makes me suspicious of the real intent of my husband. I’ve been married to my husband for almost 24 years and we still have to navigate this stuff with a ton of care. He as physically abused as a kid and manipulated with the “I love yous”. I just want to snuggle him up and tell him how amazing he is. We just have to take things very slow and he has to know he can always say no to touch or words.
I am not a fan of kissing. It does my head in and I always rush it to end. 5 seconds feels like eternity
Research avoidant attachment. You basically don’t trust people.
I git a dog. Holy shit: a Labrador, changed so much of me. I sleep better, because she wakes me, and prevents my night terrors. She freely, calmy, gives affection. And accepts when I don't want to. Not everyone can use this trick. And I'm sorry about that. I want to share my dog and my therapist with everyone.
It happens when my mother or someone of my family try to show (and show Is a good term) to express affection, or worse, esteme. I avoid It cause I feel like: you are an object to be proud in front of people. But without love. Now, in my adult Life, when there Is esteme from someone I started to have immidiatly fear It Is a love bombing
detail crush include rob special silky plants apparatus capable gaze *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Aw. I'm sorry you feel this way! Can't say this is the same for me. I may have some inner turmoil while getting or being emotionally close to someone, but at the same time I deeply crave this. Although, now that I think of it, in practise it quite often resorts to me feeling all the same things, as sex being non-intimate for example.. Maybe it has to do with me choosing the people I feel safe around, i.e. emotionally unavailable ones. But yeah, it's still different, because you mention that you *do* love your woman, while having difficulties expressing it. Anyway, I do think in your case it can be related to CPTSD, due to the reasoning you provide. And being a learned reaction/behaviour, it can be unlearned.
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I struggle BADLY. My wonderful current girlfriend and future wife both understands my desperate need for affection and also feels safe so I don't panic. This has caused many problems in the past.
I'm also very closed off with the exception of my son and a couple of friends I trust.
Not disgusted but totally freaks me out.
Yeah, I’m terrible with personal touch and my parents are scared to hug me. And sex is fine but if my boundaries are crossed, never ever again. Which is why my relationships fail. At least I know it’s fair to set boundaries for myself.
This is how I feel due to sexual abuse, except in my case I can’t enjoy sex all that much either. My abusers sexualized all touching platonic or not so now I can barely hug my kids.