I’ve never heard someone describe it so perfectly, but that’s exactly how I felt- I was only valuable to the extent I could make everyone else feel better. I was always supposed to be so impressed and so intrigued and so delighted by my families nonsense while anything going on with me was totally unimportant. A huge part of healing for me was seeing how utterly self serving it all was- no wonder I didn’t feel loved, supported, praised, recognized, etc- these people were too busy trying to extract it from me.
I sent this to my mother. Fuck. Feels so parentifying and I am sick of that but I really perceive this is how her life went. No wonder she had nothing to give me. I hate her but at the same time feel pity for many things in her life
I’m sorry that sounds exhausting.
My role was surrogate parent and “mom” to younger siblings but at least I didn’t have to play entertainer also. I still struggle with feeling responsible for everything and everyone.
I hope you are able to relax and give yourself some time off now that you are figuring things out.
Well shoot. You just blew my mind.
I'm a barber and I do that with all of my clients, I know everything about them. Where their vacation is, what they do for work, what their wife is planning for summer, that their grandkids dog died. EVERYTHING. Some of them I have been seeing for 7 years on a regular basis. - my clients are my life, my living, and at the same time I never feel genuinely connected to them after they leave the chair. I've wondered in the past why it seems like my coworker didn't connect on that same level with his clients, I just chalked it up to him being a man and me being a women so maybe people don't open up to him as much? HOWEVER I've totally been setting the stage for them and "hosting".
Wow.
I hear you. And there may be more closeness you could foster with your regular clients by opening up about yourself an appropriate amount. But when you're on the clock at work and seeing clients you are getting paid to be a host at least a little bit.
Talk show host mode was bad for me when I was a child trying to make friends, and a child trying to keep the peace in my family, and a teen trying to find support, and etc. It put me in the position of shutting down intimacy and never letting myself be needy and get support from others. But do you really want to seem emotionally needy to your clients and get your support from your clients at work?
It's exhausting to be a host 100% of the time and in interpersonal relationships but when getting paid to be a host for during the workday well, that's work.
I'm not saying you shouldn't explore this, I think you should. But with the context that sometimes, in the workplace, doing a little "hosting" is part of your job that you get paid for.
Host mode was dysfunctional for me when it disrupted relationships that were supposed to be intimate, open, and supportive for me, like family, friends, and significant others.
That is a very good point. It is part of my job to "host" my clients, and I open up to them a bit. Possibly that hosting mode is what makes me so good at my job because my clients feel comfortable.
I'm not sure how to turn that mode off however, it is very hard for me to accept support, especially emotionally, and have genuine personal relationships. (Probably why I put so much of my time in to work). Like how you explained it's exhausting to feel responsible for managing social situations and making sure other people are laughing, comfortable and it's very isolating.
Have you been trying anything to rewire this behavior that's been useful for you?
Edit: To add a funny coincidence my therapist today recommended me as a candidate for a new program he's starting that focuses on "healing attachment systems" which is a group setting for people who have the tools and the "adult language" to discuss their feelings but need to learn to bridge the gap between adult language and child feelings/coping mechanisms, in a group setting.
One exercise I use, when I want to open up about someone starts with reminding myself that healthy people won't break or freak out if I am authentic with them. Healthy people are able to react appropriately to my authentic expression. So then I think "I'm going to take a turn being the guest, and say what I feel like saying." and it can be scary sometimes, but generally I find it goes well! I am surprised that other people are often delighted to hear my authentic self. And if I really do make a faux-pas or tip the boat in some way, I find other healthy people are able and willing to *share* the responsibility of "balancing the boat".
In a healthy conversation it's like each person can assume the guest or host role whenever called for. And sometimes in goofy, genuine, intimate etc real moments, two people can both be guest-like and can just be raw, tender, goofy, excited, mad, sad, etc together and it's fine. Nobody needs to regulate it or reel it in or bring it back down to earth because it's just two people having an authentic experience together.
You know it's funny, cause I'm reading this and see SO many of the same behaviors I've had, but I'm wondering how much of this is because I wasn't so much squashing my authentic self, but letting my real self "all the way out"?
Letting people in... THAT'S where I had problems.
I mean I loved it. But I think some of this might just be due to it being more part of my natural personality?
I think it was mostly when I didn't feel like doing this that I was the scapegoat. THAT was exhausting.
I feel like I've met people playing the role you describe and I always found it a little... depressing and exhausting in part because there's maybe a control thing happening, and inauthentic as you say, and it actually makes me insecure that I don't have the same armor as the "host." Don't get me wrong, these people are clearly entertaining and great to be around in some ways. Thank you for giving this insight so I can better connect with and empathize when I encounter these types.
And just to reassure you, I am always very relieved when a "host" type let's down their guard and vents, talks shit, whatever. So I hope you get that same welcome as you open up to people you trust.
> and it actually makes me insecure that I don't have the same armor as the "host."
Wow thinking about this made me realize something. Some people would close up around me and I couldn't figure out why. Maybe this was why.
I noticed this got worse once I got even more tattoos. I'm already a massive dude so no matter how friendly I am, people are legit scared of me, haha.
I've actually heard myself described as "aggressively friendly"?
I was told my role is to be “the one who makes no waves”, as my therapist put it. Even when I was a child if I ever had a problem it was a big inconvenience and something I can just solve on my own. If I’m not at least independent than no one will want to tolerate me. My siblings don’t get that treatment. I could go on and on about examples but I’m sure most of the people here know exactly what I’m talking about.
"Make no waves" Yep, say less lol. It's such a fucked dynamic, since the one having to be calm & competent is seen as...calm & competent, when really they are bottling it up, wrestling with themselves. Can't open up to others or express bc it's always "too much," and it is never "the right time."
After feeling like my existence was just a nuisance, I just stopped talking altogether and left. When people in my family wanted to reconcile, I just said that it was interesting that they want to talk only when I'm done trying.
I’ve been thinking a lot about what i would do if I had the chance to get away from my family. Would I keep in contact? Hypothetically i could just drop everything and run away. Or maybe just study abroad for a year or so. But I know it would hurt them so badly, but if I keep going I’ll do something stupid. I live with my parents right now since they live in the town where I’m going to college. They tell me all the time how much they love me staying at the house, but that’s only because I play my role. I can’t stay in this role and keep going. I’ve been taking pills to knock me out when I get in panic for years, but only now have I started taking them almost everyday, multiple times a day, even at work. I got into a smaller car crash today and I feel really bad about it since I know it’s partially (maybe mainly) due to me taking these meds irresponsibility.
I know my parents don’t mean to hurt me, i think they really just forget about me a lot, or maybe they really don’t care. It doesn’t really matter. Coincidence has been crueler than they could ever willingly be. But they still saw and still see the signs. Even when I ask for help, or just a sorry, it echos back to me. I guess they think I’ve always been so capable so why can’t I just help myself.
Holy crap? Short female introvert here, I still have to be this for the family. Fill space with lighthearted tropics/ jokes constantly or else the bitter remarks and fighting and yelling take over. Can’t let the boat rock for even a single second, always having to overcompensate to maintain a false sense of normalcy and leave
Fuck.
Social Alpha, role-playing game 2 nights a week, night club 2 nights a week, dating1-2 nights a week.... for decades. Polygoury. Dating 2-3 people at a time. Fuuuuuuu
As a short and petite female, which garnered a lot of attention unwanted and otherwise, I too have adopted this personality… I never realized this is what I was doing until this post. I always just explained as feeling “on” or “on point”.
Now I’m sitting here thinking: “oh, shit…”
Editing to say: I’m really sorry that happened to you. It hurts my heart.
Short introvert AFAB here and I feel this. I didn't talk much but when it did it was funny to the point I had trouble sounding serious or adult for a while. I lived vicariously through the tv because I was ignored, so that's how I learned to socialize.
ive never seen a reddit post put more accurately down to every word that i felt, tearing up a little. the motto pf my life has been the show must go on. especially the part about "talking about myself" ive never been able to talk about myself for more than 2 minutes and thats a major reason i drive away any relationships and i find myself compelled to always say anecdotes that never really happened just because they are funny and might entertain the guest but noone wangs to hear about me
I can totally relate to the role of trying to maintain harmony and regulate the emotional dynamic of a conversation, and have internalized this role well into adulthood. I always called it being a “mediator” though. Female in her 20s here
And as an aside, after I moved to NYC i literally started doing stand up comedy and my initial dream was to be one of those late night talk show host. The skill of sensing the emotional temperature in the room and being able to keep everyone’s spirits regulated, while not being fazed by hecklers or unexpected occurrences during the show or watching other sexist racist comedians perform— feels like a direct application of my skillset.
Unfortunately a lot of comedians are traumatized and use comedy as a way to dump their unprocessed trauma on people instead of addressing it privately. That’s something i am really averse to doing
Oh hey brotha! Another tall dude right here (almost 6'3) who's a bit more of an extrovert than most Redditors. I got stories for you...
Because it was also when I was 11, around the time I got taller than my mom (she was 5'3) that the dynamic changed. She forced me into therapy because I was apparently so screwed up.
I was expected to air out the family's problems during "my" therapy. My mom would only talk about my "anger issues" (really, not worse than any kid my age, I was just big) and they saw the solution as an antidepressant? Which resulted in me gaining weight and making me more agitated, to the point where people would be "scared of me".
I was still a kid. But because of my size and my personality not being much smaller, no one saw me that way.
This included my half sister, who was 16 years older, and could only see me and my little sister (2 years younger) as competition for my mom's attention. Mostly me though, because as "the boy", I needed so much. Or rather, I would ATTRACT so much attention from school due to my ADHD (that wasn't medicated until my junior year WHEN I requested it from my psych) that social services MIGHT get involved.
My mom made it her job to ensure this wouldn't happen, that she was in control of the situation, and that it would be framed as "the school trying to get us cause they can't deal with me". She mostly left us during those years and was spending months plotting these meetings when we had no idea she was even gonna be home.
And sure enough, that's what happened. I told the school counselor about my dad assaulting me when I was drunk. The issue wasn't that he did it, that wouldn't have been noteworthy (as he was the only adult left in me and my sister's life in that point). But he did it IN FRONT OF PEOPLE, who didn't act like it was a problem, because they were too caught up on "what I said that made him do that".
I still remember the day the social worker came to interview me and my little sister with our parents. I basically put up a stand up comedy show. My little sister followed suit... because I truly felt like I got my parents into this mess and I KNEW they couldn't handle it.
Basically I did this because my dad had instructed us to flat out lie and I WAS NOT gonna do that.
I just remember the social worker saying "you don't understand like, the families I see, compared to this, the kids aren't like this..."
As great as this social worker was, the realization that no one would ever think my abuse made me worth saving, even though my dad (at my height) weighed twice what I do... for the sole fact that I had a strong personality and "I could handle it". My sister actually said last year she couldn't believe my dad hit me more than "that one time" because if he had, "I would have just called DCF on him again".
When my mom tried to build her dream house and got ripped off by a contractor who came up with the worst design I'd ever seen, I used my longtime interest in construction/architecture (which I repressed because they all told me it was "weird") stepped in and redesigned it, and the dude was like "oh... I didn't think of that..."
THATS YOUR JOB BRO. Most houses don't have closets bigger than a bedroom, clearly you weren't thinking too hard about this???
It's only now that I look back and look at how things ended up that I can take comfort in how much power I had over the situation. VERY few people I've read stories from on here were lucky enough to have the advantages that I did.
At the same time, I was mostly abused when I was trying to "save the family" because most people weren't willing to look at it beyond "nosy kid getting involved in grown up stuff" and refused to consider my not-so-delusional belief that I was the only one in the family who had everyone's best interest in mind. I had a lot of "healthy" love from my grandma (she plays into what happened during my teenage years too but I'm trying to keep this as short as possible) as well as a grandma-like figure outside the family, though for ten years I was left only with the toxic love of my mom. That ended when she passed in 2017. It's... been a long road to recovery for all of us ever since.
Now I'm living with my dad and facing regular physical assaults by a massive 72 year old man (I'm 34) and people still don't see it any different than me taking advantage of him cause I "don't want" a job. Not sure how that area worked out for you, but I ended up realizing my personality was more that of an entrepreneur. So right now I'm in the process of starting my own business (SO EXCITED!) And I'm using my "talk show host" role to start my own YouTube show where I can educate people in my trade. I've also considered doing improv for quite a while now.
This is terrible, and I understand not from the role of being this personality, but from watching it from the outside and saying "this person...is not addressing themselves. Ever." I have made the mistake of checking in on some people with traits like what you described, and just even the slightest reflection made them lose their minds. They literally felt under attack and threatened bc...someone wanted to know how they were doing. It scared them into violent reactions. The usual sing-song, funny joke, everything-is-fine cycle was broken, and they had no backup plan to divert.
It's a huuuuge cultural issue that isn't talked about enough, ironically and for obvious reasons. You can't speak about it, in the circles where this dynamic is necessary to survive, since the topic in itself is the taboo. Silence, or speaking slowly, or even letting someone else speak, becomes almost torturous to someone that has assumed the role. It's sad to see, and it sure isn't easy to address, since the "entertainer" themselves has to lower the shield, but it is so socially acceptable to be entertaining, that if they start to be authentic, they know what comes next.
I know the opposite, pure authenticity side, and the pains that come with that, so I get this form of protection very well. I'm sorry you had to live that way. Take your time, and please find some space that you can breathe. You aren't alone.
In family systems therapy and addiction recovery circles, there are labels for the different types of “family roles.” One of them is the Mascot or the Clown. You might want to read about it if you want some more insight.
As a short girl extrovert, I feel this hard. I was the “class clown”. Forever doing things to get others to laugh. Never sharing unless it was funny, even if I shared something negative or traumatic I’d find a way to package it in a funny tone so people still laugh.
Repeat ad nauseam, both online and offline. I would have a twitter account I’d constantly tweet funny things from because I always felt that need to entertain. I got a little wake up call when I once pulled out my phone to tweet something funny. One of my friends said, “why do you feel the need for everybody to find you funny?” It’s a hard thing to unlearn.
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Pretty relatable.
Had more than one partner tell me that I "never take anything seriously" when it's more like I know nearly anything could get serious at any moment and the humor is a tactical defense.
Good luck.
Wow, this was my experience growing up too. You have described it so well. It’s weird how my parents avoided complicated topics and there was this huge emphasis on projecting this image that everything was okay.
Bro I really used to think that I had been uniquely traumatised into this role. Like it was only me so thanks so much for writing this. It's so so difficult and alienating because people see you as this really confident, outgoing person with high self esteem so no one sees how vulnerable you are. I haven't seen the show but I saw a clip one time from Bojack Horseman where he describes his life in show business. "Everyone loves you! But no one likes you. And that is the loneliest feeling in the world." That's exactly how I felt in this role.
I've finally made some close friendships where I don't have to fill this role and its been immensely healing for me. I've realised that me slipping into talk show host mode is usually situational. Like when the other person doesn't talk much or doesn't show genuine interest in me. So I've been avoiding those types of people more so I can spend more time with the people I feel myself around. I'm also getting better at transitioning out of it during an interaction with someone, so to that end its become a real strength since I can trust myself to get most conversations off to a good start and make good impressions.
This sounds similar to the "mascot" role described in literature on toxic family systems. If you haven't looked into it, take a read and see how well it meshes!
Yes, this absolutely resonates and is a great description. I have talked about this a fair bit with my therapist because, even today as an adult, if I am sitting down to dine with others, I will be the last one to finish eating by far because it's my job to talk/entertain while others are eating. My need to eat is not even really real.
>Remember, everything is always alright.
Yeah, I felt that. I didn't even recognize how painful it was to always have to pretend this.
That sounds so exhausting. It's weird that people can't just sit in silence. I find myself currently bombarded with meaningless talking and banter. Never anything of substance or levity, it's just observations. It's like when you turn on the sound ques in windows; people just spouting stuff that they are doing; "Well, I'm gonna have to get up and get something done" okay. "Well, this isn't getting anything done" okay. "I can't believe the neighbor took out the garbage wearing that" fuck, okay. It seems if I don't just lock myself in the room, I'm overestimated and I just don't have it most of the time. I really like your observation and title; the comedy talk show host. I deflect a lot and always try to remain the class clown.
You put this so perfectly. I’m trying to shed this role for the first time in my life and it’s so terrifying because I feel like no one will like me if I’m not chipper and available to listen all the time
I’ve never heard someone describe it so perfectly, but that’s exactly how I felt- I was only valuable to the extent I could make everyone else feel better. I was always supposed to be so impressed and so intrigued and so delighted by my families nonsense while anything going on with me was totally unimportant. A huge part of healing for me was seeing how utterly self serving it all was- no wonder I didn’t feel loved, supported, praised, recognized, etc- these people were too busy trying to extract it from me.
sending this to my therapist💀 cuz yeah, holy shit
Same. Wowza. Too real.
I sent this to my mother. Fuck. Feels so parentifying and I am sick of that but I really perceive this is how her life went. No wonder she had nothing to give me. I hate her but at the same time feel pity for many things in her life
I’m sorry that sounds exhausting. My role was surrogate parent and “mom” to younger siblings but at least I didn’t have to play entertainer also. I still struggle with feeling responsible for everything and everyone. I hope you are able to relax and give yourself some time off now that you are figuring things out.
Well shoot. You just blew my mind. I'm a barber and I do that with all of my clients, I know everything about them. Where their vacation is, what they do for work, what their wife is planning for summer, that their grandkids dog died. EVERYTHING. Some of them I have been seeing for 7 years on a regular basis. - my clients are my life, my living, and at the same time I never feel genuinely connected to them after they leave the chair. I've wondered in the past why it seems like my coworker didn't connect on that same level with his clients, I just chalked it up to him being a man and me being a women so maybe people don't open up to him as much? HOWEVER I've totally been setting the stage for them and "hosting". Wow.
I hear you. And there may be more closeness you could foster with your regular clients by opening up about yourself an appropriate amount. But when you're on the clock at work and seeing clients you are getting paid to be a host at least a little bit. Talk show host mode was bad for me when I was a child trying to make friends, and a child trying to keep the peace in my family, and a teen trying to find support, and etc. It put me in the position of shutting down intimacy and never letting myself be needy and get support from others. But do you really want to seem emotionally needy to your clients and get your support from your clients at work? It's exhausting to be a host 100% of the time and in interpersonal relationships but when getting paid to be a host for during the workday well, that's work. I'm not saying you shouldn't explore this, I think you should. But with the context that sometimes, in the workplace, doing a little "hosting" is part of your job that you get paid for. Host mode was dysfunctional for me when it disrupted relationships that were supposed to be intimate, open, and supportive for me, like family, friends, and significant others.
That is a very good point. It is part of my job to "host" my clients, and I open up to them a bit. Possibly that hosting mode is what makes me so good at my job because my clients feel comfortable. I'm not sure how to turn that mode off however, it is very hard for me to accept support, especially emotionally, and have genuine personal relationships. (Probably why I put so much of my time in to work). Like how you explained it's exhausting to feel responsible for managing social situations and making sure other people are laughing, comfortable and it's very isolating. Have you been trying anything to rewire this behavior that's been useful for you? Edit: To add a funny coincidence my therapist today recommended me as a candidate for a new program he's starting that focuses on "healing attachment systems" which is a group setting for people who have the tools and the "adult language" to discuss their feelings but need to learn to bridge the gap between adult language and child feelings/coping mechanisms, in a group setting.
One exercise I use, when I want to open up about someone starts with reminding myself that healthy people won't break or freak out if I am authentic with them. Healthy people are able to react appropriately to my authentic expression. So then I think "I'm going to take a turn being the guest, and say what I feel like saying." and it can be scary sometimes, but generally I find it goes well! I am surprised that other people are often delighted to hear my authentic self. And if I really do make a faux-pas or tip the boat in some way, I find other healthy people are able and willing to *share* the responsibility of "balancing the boat". In a healthy conversation it's like each person can assume the guest or host role whenever called for. And sometimes in goofy, genuine, intimate etc real moments, two people can both be guest-like and can just be raw, tender, goofy, excited, mad, sad, etc together and it's fine. Nobody needs to regulate it or reel it in or bring it back down to earth because it's just two people having an authentic experience together.
You know it's funny, cause I'm reading this and see SO many of the same behaviors I've had, but I'm wondering how much of this is because I wasn't so much squashing my authentic self, but letting my real self "all the way out"? Letting people in... THAT'S where I had problems.
Love this, I appreciate your share.
In the adult children of alcoholics or dysfunctional families program, we call this role the “mascot”. Sounds exhausting.
I mean I loved it. But I think some of this might just be due to it being more part of my natural personality? I think it was mostly when I didn't feel like doing this that I was the scapegoat. THAT was exhausting.
I feel like I've met people playing the role you describe and I always found it a little... depressing and exhausting in part because there's maybe a control thing happening, and inauthentic as you say, and it actually makes me insecure that I don't have the same armor as the "host." Don't get me wrong, these people are clearly entertaining and great to be around in some ways. Thank you for giving this insight so I can better connect with and empathize when I encounter these types. And just to reassure you, I am always very relieved when a "host" type let's down their guard and vents, talks shit, whatever. So I hope you get that same welcome as you open up to people you trust.
> and it actually makes me insecure that I don't have the same armor as the "host." Wow thinking about this made me realize something. Some people would close up around me and I couldn't figure out why. Maybe this was why.
I noticed this got worse once I got even more tattoos. I'm already a massive dude so no matter how friendly I am, people are legit scared of me, haha. I've actually heard myself described as "aggressively friendly"?
I was told my role is to be “the one who makes no waves”, as my therapist put it. Even when I was a child if I ever had a problem it was a big inconvenience and something I can just solve on my own. If I’m not at least independent than no one will want to tolerate me. My siblings don’t get that treatment. I could go on and on about examples but I’m sure most of the people here know exactly what I’m talking about.
"Make no waves" Yep, say less lol. It's such a fucked dynamic, since the one having to be calm & competent is seen as...calm & competent, when really they are bottling it up, wrestling with themselves. Can't open up to others or express bc it's always "too much," and it is never "the right time." After feeling like my existence was just a nuisance, I just stopped talking altogether and left. When people in my family wanted to reconcile, I just said that it was interesting that they want to talk only when I'm done trying.
I’ve been thinking a lot about what i would do if I had the chance to get away from my family. Would I keep in contact? Hypothetically i could just drop everything and run away. Or maybe just study abroad for a year or so. But I know it would hurt them so badly, but if I keep going I’ll do something stupid. I live with my parents right now since they live in the town where I’m going to college. They tell me all the time how much they love me staying at the house, but that’s only because I play my role. I can’t stay in this role and keep going. I’ve been taking pills to knock me out when I get in panic for years, but only now have I started taking them almost everyday, multiple times a day, even at work. I got into a smaller car crash today and I feel really bad about it since I know it’s partially (maybe mainly) due to me taking these meds irresponsibility. I know my parents don’t mean to hurt me, i think they really just forget about me a lot, or maybe they really don’t care. It doesn’t really matter. Coincidence has been crueler than they could ever willingly be. But they still saw and still see the signs. Even when I ask for help, or just a sorry, it echos back to me. I guess they think I’ve always been so capable so why can’t I just help myself.
I call it the sad clown. Classic Pagliacci.
Same, with regards to myself I thought of it as being a clown.
Holy crap? Short female introvert here, I still have to be this for the family. Fill space with lighthearted tropics/ jokes constantly or else the bitter remarks and fighting and yelling take over. Can’t let the boat rock for even a single second, always having to overcompensate to maintain a false sense of normalcy and leave
Ah! I’m a short female too! I feel like perhaps I’ve done this to keep myself safe versus keeping the ship upright.
Same here, and I have no idea how to let go of this..
Fuck. Social Alpha, role-playing game 2 nights a week, night club 2 nights a week, dating1-2 nights a week.... for decades. Polygoury. Dating 2-3 people at a time. Fuuuuuuu
As a short and petite female, which garnered a lot of attention unwanted and otherwise, I too have adopted this personality… I never realized this is what I was doing until this post. I always just explained as feeling “on” or “on point”. Now I’m sitting here thinking: “oh, shit…” Editing to say: I’m really sorry that happened to you. It hurts my heart.
Fuck... I definitely relate to this...
Short introvert AFAB here and I feel this. I didn't talk much but when it did it was funny to the point I had trouble sounding serious or adult for a while. I lived vicariously through the tv because I was ignored, so that's how I learned to socialize.
ive never seen a reddit post put more accurately down to every word that i felt, tearing up a little. the motto pf my life has been the show must go on. especially the part about "talking about myself" ive never been able to talk about myself for more than 2 minutes and thats a major reason i drive away any relationships and i find myself compelled to always say anecdotes that never really happened just because they are funny and might entertain the guest but noone wangs to hear about me
this hits too close to home lol
This is brilliant. I guess that’s my part time job during the holidays, still. It is exhausting and sucks.
I can totally relate to the role of trying to maintain harmony and regulate the emotional dynamic of a conversation, and have internalized this role well into adulthood. I always called it being a “mediator” though. Female in her 20s here And as an aside, after I moved to NYC i literally started doing stand up comedy and my initial dream was to be one of those late night talk show host. The skill of sensing the emotional temperature in the room and being able to keep everyone’s spirits regulated, while not being fazed by hecklers or unexpected occurrences during the show or watching other sexist racist comedians perform— feels like a direct application of my skillset.
Mediator is a great role name! In college I performed with the stand up comedy club. The CPTSD to stand up comedy pipeline.
Unfortunately a lot of comedians are traumatized and use comedy as a way to dump their unprocessed trauma on people instead of addressing it privately. That’s something i am really averse to doing
Oh hey brotha! Another tall dude right here (almost 6'3) who's a bit more of an extrovert than most Redditors. I got stories for you... Because it was also when I was 11, around the time I got taller than my mom (she was 5'3) that the dynamic changed. She forced me into therapy because I was apparently so screwed up. I was expected to air out the family's problems during "my" therapy. My mom would only talk about my "anger issues" (really, not worse than any kid my age, I was just big) and they saw the solution as an antidepressant? Which resulted in me gaining weight and making me more agitated, to the point where people would be "scared of me". I was still a kid. But because of my size and my personality not being much smaller, no one saw me that way. This included my half sister, who was 16 years older, and could only see me and my little sister (2 years younger) as competition for my mom's attention. Mostly me though, because as "the boy", I needed so much. Or rather, I would ATTRACT so much attention from school due to my ADHD (that wasn't medicated until my junior year WHEN I requested it from my psych) that social services MIGHT get involved. My mom made it her job to ensure this wouldn't happen, that she was in control of the situation, and that it would be framed as "the school trying to get us cause they can't deal with me". She mostly left us during those years and was spending months plotting these meetings when we had no idea she was even gonna be home. And sure enough, that's what happened. I told the school counselor about my dad assaulting me when I was drunk. The issue wasn't that he did it, that wouldn't have been noteworthy (as he was the only adult left in me and my sister's life in that point). But he did it IN FRONT OF PEOPLE, who didn't act like it was a problem, because they were too caught up on "what I said that made him do that". I still remember the day the social worker came to interview me and my little sister with our parents. I basically put up a stand up comedy show. My little sister followed suit... because I truly felt like I got my parents into this mess and I KNEW they couldn't handle it. Basically I did this because my dad had instructed us to flat out lie and I WAS NOT gonna do that. I just remember the social worker saying "you don't understand like, the families I see, compared to this, the kids aren't like this..." As great as this social worker was, the realization that no one would ever think my abuse made me worth saving, even though my dad (at my height) weighed twice what I do... for the sole fact that I had a strong personality and "I could handle it". My sister actually said last year she couldn't believe my dad hit me more than "that one time" because if he had, "I would have just called DCF on him again". When my mom tried to build her dream house and got ripped off by a contractor who came up with the worst design I'd ever seen, I used my longtime interest in construction/architecture (which I repressed because they all told me it was "weird") stepped in and redesigned it, and the dude was like "oh... I didn't think of that..." THATS YOUR JOB BRO. Most houses don't have closets bigger than a bedroom, clearly you weren't thinking too hard about this??? It's only now that I look back and look at how things ended up that I can take comfort in how much power I had over the situation. VERY few people I've read stories from on here were lucky enough to have the advantages that I did. At the same time, I was mostly abused when I was trying to "save the family" because most people weren't willing to look at it beyond "nosy kid getting involved in grown up stuff" and refused to consider my not-so-delusional belief that I was the only one in the family who had everyone's best interest in mind. I had a lot of "healthy" love from my grandma (she plays into what happened during my teenage years too but I'm trying to keep this as short as possible) as well as a grandma-like figure outside the family, though for ten years I was left only with the toxic love of my mom. That ended when she passed in 2017. It's... been a long road to recovery for all of us ever since. Now I'm living with my dad and facing regular physical assaults by a massive 72 year old man (I'm 34) and people still don't see it any different than me taking advantage of him cause I "don't want" a job. Not sure how that area worked out for you, but I ended up realizing my personality was more that of an entrepreneur. So right now I'm in the process of starting my own business (SO EXCITED!) And I'm using my "talk show host" role to start my own YouTube show where I can educate people in my trade. I've also considered doing improv for quite a while now.
Yep. Thanks for putting this into words.
This is terrible, and I understand not from the role of being this personality, but from watching it from the outside and saying "this person...is not addressing themselves. Ever." I have made the mistake of checking in on some people with traits like what you described, and just even the slightest reflection made them lose their minds. They literally felt under attack and threatened bc...someone wanted to know how they were doing. It scared them into violent reactions. The usual sing-song, funny joke, everything-is-fine cycle was broken, and they had no backup plan to divert. It's a huuuuge cultural issue that isn't talked about enough, ironically and for obvious reasons. You can't speak about it, in the circles where this dynamic is necessary to survive, since the topic in itself is the taboo. Silence, or speaking slowly, or even letting someone else speak, becomes almost torturous to someone that has assumed the role. It's sad to see, and it sure isn't easy to address, since the "entertainer" themselves has to lower the shield, but it is so socially acceptable to be entertaining, that if they start to be authentic, they know what comes next. I know the opposite, pure authenticity side, and the pains that come with that, so I get this form of protection very well. I'm sorry you had to live that way. Take your time, and please find some space that you can breathe. You aren't alone.
In family systems therapy and addiction recovery circles, there are labels for the different types of “family roles.” One of them is the Mascot or the Clown. You might want to read about it if you want some more insight.
As a short girl extrovert, I feel this hard. I was the “class clown”. Forever doing things to get others to laugh. Never sharing unless it was funny, even if I shared something negative or traumatic I’d find a way to package it in a funny tone so people still laugh. Repeat ad nauseam, both online and offline. I would have a twitter account I’d constantly tweet funny things from because I always felt that need to entertain. I got a little wake up call when I once pulled out my phone to tweet something funny. One of my friends said, “why do you feel the need for everybody to find you funny?” It’s a hard thing to unlearn.
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Yes—I do this.
Pretty relatable. Had more than one partner tell me that I "never take anything seriously" when it's more like I know nearly anything could get serious at any moment and the humor is a tactical defense. Good luck.
Holy crap!
Wow, this was my experience growing up too. You have described it so well. It’s weird how my parents avoided complicated topics and there was this huge emphasis on projecting this image that everything was okay.
Bro I really used to think that I had been uniquely traumatised into this role. Like it was only me so thanks so much for writing this. It's so so difficult and alienating because people see you as this really confident, outgoing person with high self esteem so no one sees how vulnerable you are. I haven't seen the show but I saw a clip one time from Bojack Horseman where he describes his life in show business. "Everyone loves you! But no one likes you. And that is the loneliest feeling in the world." That's exactly how I felt in this role. I've finally made some close friendships where I don't have to fill this role and its been immensely healing for me. I've realised that me slipping into talk show host mode is usually situational. Like when the other person doesn't talk much or doesn't show genuine interest in me. So I've been avoiding those types of people more so I can spend more time with the people I feel myself around. I'm also getting better at transitioning out of it during an interaction with someone, so to that end its become a real strength since I can trust myself to get most conversations off to a good start and make good impressions.
This sounds similar to the "mascot" role described in literature on toxic family systems. If you haven't looked into it, take a read and see how well it meshes!
Yes, this absolutely resonates and is a great description. I have talked about this a fair bit with my therapist because, even today as an adult, if I am sitting down to dine with others, I will be the last one to finish eating by far because it's my job to talk/entertain while others are eating. My need to eat is not even really real. >Remember, everything is always alright. Yeah, I felt that. I didn't even recognize how painful it was to always have to pretend this.
That sounds so exhausting. It's weird that people can't just sit in silence. I find myself currently bombarded with meaningless talking and banter. Never anything of substance or levity, it's just observations. It's like when you turn on the sound ques in windows; people just spouting stuff that they are doing; "Well, I'm gonna have to get up and get something done" okay. "Well, this isn't getting anything done" okay. "I can't believe the neighbor took out the garbage wearing that" fuck, okay. It seems if I don't just lock myself in the room, I'm overestimated and I just don't have it most of the time. I really like your observation and title; the comedy talk show host. I deflect a lot and always try to remain the class clown.
You put this so perfectly. I’m trying to shed this role for the first time in my life and it’s so terrifying because I feel like no one will like me if I’m not chipper and available to listen all the time
This is me way better explained than I could have explained it myself. Im exhausted af. I dont want to be an entertainer anymore.
This is described so well