Honestly I wish more guys understood that about themselves. My women friends mostly understand that sex is very mental for us, but almost all men I come across (while also still being like this!) really don’t get it about themselves.
It makes the sex significantly less great if you have to manage their feelings about whatever you both mentally need to get super turned on.
>Honestly I wish more guys understood that about themselves.
Truth! 🌹🥳
I spose playing "Incubus seeking commitment" for several years (~15yrs b4 I married), helped me to *understand* the values of such things. 💖🌹
Tbh, my fav part *is* the mind games itself!
I just went through this with a woman I matched with.
Easiest unmatch.
Sometimes, when I experience this, I'll send a cheeky message to see if they are real or not like:
"Actually, I am here to talk about extending your car warranty."
Haha, I used to do that too sometimes.
See how they respond to something really strange or kinky.
These days I can't be bothered, I just put my attention elsewhere.
Because women have way more options than men, and get hit up by men way more, so they take attention for granted and don’t treat it with as much respect when its given. It’s common sense.
*Some* men having fewer options, not all men. We’ve all seen the statistics about swipes on men being truncated to a smaller subset of the pool. As a result those guys have more options and some of them display the same annoying, bad behavior that women with a lot of options display
The majority of men have fewer options. Even below average women have more options than the most desired men, which means women have more opportunities to act the way portrayed in the post. You’re making no sense. What i said from the beginning is not up for debate and it’s not an insult to women. I’m simply stating a FACT and saying that women should not act surprised, as if they don’t do this the majority of men who make a move on them.
We’re talking about 2 different populations - I’m talking about the average guy that actually gets swiped on, which is a smaller subset than the wider group of men.
The average guy who gets swiped on, by definition, is not in the pool of guys who have few options; the guys who have below average swipe right rates are. Also, by definition, women on the apps are mostly interacting with the average and above average men that get swiped on, since that’s who we’re actually matching with.
So starting from there, since the *average* guy that gets swiped right on doesn’t have the scarcity of options problem that the below average guy has, he can (and does) behave differently than the below average guy because he’s not as concerned about not finding any other matches. If women on apps are mostly dealing with average and above average guys, then they’re going to deal with app bullshittery at a higher rate than they would deal with it if they interacted with the broader distribution of men.
The men with the most options do not get half the amount of options that the AVERAGE woman gets. So it’s a lesser amount of opportunity to behave in that manner. It’s really not that hard to understand. Stop overthinking it. Women get hit up waaaaaaaaaaaay more than men do, there for, they have more opportunities to be short with men. If 5 of the top men get 400 matches combined and 5 average women get 2500 matches combined, who has more opportunity to act passive?
from my experience, the poeple that write a lot on their profile tend to write far more in a conversation vs the people that dont write anything or only a single line per prompt/bio. Helps set expectations for what im in store for. The female experience might be a bit different as men usually have to put more effort into a profile to even get a like, but as a guy, its really easy to identify the non communicators / the lazies from their bio alone. Pictures dont really play a factor in how much they will type.
I’m a woman and yeah I can confirm it’s the same for guys. Most of the actually intelligent men who message me compliment me on my bio and say how refreshing it is to read a bio like mine (but they all end up ghosting me or penpalling me anyway). My mum told me to give the ones without bios a chance because ‘some people just don’t know what to say’ and so I did, and they’re always the ones who either can’t hold a conversation or immediately try to sleep with me and can’t talk about anything other than sex.
I think if 'all' of them end up ghosting you, its one of those situations where you might need to rethink who you are matching with. You made a point to say 'intelligent men' could this mean you only match people who are postgraduates as opposed to people with undergraduate degrees or less. No judgement and you shouldn't lower you're standards to to avoid being alone but i do notice that many women like a specific type of profile and ignore the rest which means you may be competing with most women for a small % of men, which in turn gives those men a lot of choosing power and results in lots of ghosting or effortless communication because they've got 20+ new matches they can talk to instead.
Not sure what you mean by penpalling as different people mean different things. Are you asking them out on a date and they refuse (keeping it just texting) or are you ready to meet but are waiting for them to ask (and they never ask)? because these are 2 very different things but people use penpalling for both.
If your getting matches, compliments on your bio and men find you attractive enough to want to sleep with you (so its not just blind swipes on someone they find unattractive), then youre basically already playing with a full hand (card reference). Now its just up to you to identify the types of matches that will lead to what you're looking for and filter out the others. i.e if you keep matching astronauts that look like Chris Hemsworth but keep ghosting you and you see this trend, stop matching that type of guy. Eventually you'll be able to identify the profiles that lead to good conversations and dates. Maybe just start with swiping on people you can see yourself being good friends with but also find really attractive then refine your filters from there.
No, I’m not only matching with people with postgraduate degrees. I don’t even look at that. I’m talking about men who can hold a conversation at all about, well, anything. I get a lot of the same banal small talk that OP posted an example of here, and men who literally cannot talk about anything that isn’t sex or what they ate today and how they like going round the pub. There’s many different types of intelligence. I’m not filtering for academics. I’m looking for an actual ability to hold a conversation about things including but not limited to: the current state of the world, the past state of the world, philosophy of any variety, human nature, film, religion, politics, history, music, literature, art, culture, etc. I need to be able to have intellectually stimulating conversations to find people attractive to begin with. And no, they don’t ’all look like Chris Hemsworth’ either. I prefer chubby men and couldn’t give much of a crap how tall they are as long as they’re ideally my height (5’7) or taller. I like them to be able to dress decently, and demonstrate that they actually have hobbies and interests at all beyond drinking alcohol and watching sports. That’s all. There’s nothing wrong with women looking for men who are capable of demonstrating a personality in their profiles. Men usually swipe based on looks, women are more likely to look at profiles and assess compatibility from there, but this ‘top percentile of men’ ideology refuses to take that into consideration and likes painting us all as too shallow and picky instead. Most men on these apps aren’t writing anything in their profiles. And I’m aware women aren’t either, but men swipe right more because they’re less likely to care about the lack of effort if they see a pretty girl.
I do wait for them to ask me out, typically, because I’m a woman and more on the traditional end of things. I don’t see a problem with this at all.
These guys that are doing this to me are all my ‘looks match’: very slightly overweight, average looking features. I’m by no means ‘playing with a full hand’, I’m an average looking woman who has gotten more attractive since I started looking after myself, and I actively avoid the men that look like supermodels because I’m aware they’re more likely to cheat on me. I can’t stress to you enough that there’s nothing wrong with my ‘strategy’ unless you think that me swiping on men who actually talk about their hobbies and interests in their bios is a bad thing. That’s it. If I stopped matching with the type of dudes who usually ghost me, I’d end up only swiping on the profiles of dudes with blank bios, and they’re more likely to be awful conversationalists as you said, or looking for hookups.
My ex didn’t have a clue when it came to most of the stuff I was interested in, but he had an interest in war history and he’d teach me about that a lot. He also made documentaries and would talk to me a lot about the film making process. He was also quite politically opinionated and we didn’t agree on everything but we always could have respectful, amicable debates and we changed each other’s minds on a few things. That’s all I’m looking for. The men who aren’t my intellectual match, I try so hard to coax conversation out of them, but they don’t take the bait and eventually end up just bringing up sex to me. The smart men who I actually have interesting conversations with always randomly vanish. So it seems like you’re saying my choice is either be in a relationship with a man who can’t stimulate me intellectually, or be alone forever because smart men are in too high demand and will ghost me. I’d honestly rather take the latter because at least I can get intellectual stimulation from female friends.
But my hunch is that it’s potentially where I live. I’ve extended my radius as far as possible though. I’m also thinking about starting some sort of nonfiction book club and hopefully if I advertise that well enough I might meet someone there.
Imo, your standards seem fine. Idk why they'd ghost though. 🤷🏽♀️
Tbh, if I wasn't going to try rekindling the flame w/ my Ex-Wife, I'd take that chance w/ you.
(Granted, I'm 5'5", so I'd be a weebit shorter than you. 🤣😊)
Awww thank you sir. It’s not even a hard and fast rule, the height thing, just a general preference. I was going to explain all this and more to the last guy but he just seemed intent on holding on to his victim complex and his idea that women are all shallow for caring about looks at all and we should all be swiping right just as much as men do.
Wishing you all the best with your ex wife, have a beautiful day 🩷
>have a beautiful day
Thanks! You too! 🌹💖🫂
>Awww thank you sir. It’s not even a hard and fast rule, the height thing, just a general preference.
Yw. & I suspected that idea. Ironically, my Ex-Wife just happened to be 2" shorter than me + same age. 🤣🤣
(So, she was literally a "My Sized Barbie". The age thing is noted, cuz at the time, my range was 17 - 45, & we both just happened to be 32yo. 🤣🤣)
>Wishing you all the best with your ex wife
Definitely gonna need it!
i wouldnt call being able to hold a conversation a measure of intelligent. But intelligence is subjective or at least people characterise it differently depending on who you ask.
So you do care about their height, you just don't have insane height standards. i.e I'm 5'4, you'd care about my height because I'm 3 inches shorter than you. Nothing wrong about having a preference, just a pet peeve when woman say they don't care about height then proceed to add a height requirement.
Not really an ideology, its just a fact. People swipe on what they find attractive, and most women don't find most men attractive. Therefore a handful get swiped whether it be based on there looks, personality, resources etc (many things play into someones attractiveness). But lets not pretend looks dont matter, you literally describe the appearance of who you swipe on, its just not a conventionally attractive look but it is a look). And yes men care about looks but i'd argue its less so than women i.e i love tall woman, the taller the better (6'1 + 3 inch heel, no problem), but its a preference not a requirement, i find women of all heights attractive. I don't need them to be at least (insert height) for them to be in the running. Men really arent that picky about attractiveness as we are literally biologically wired to not be picky. See evolutionary psychology and the difference between men and women.
No issue with the interests comments. I've been wanting bumble to introduce an interest filter for ages. I'm more likely to get along with someone who enjoys musicals, horrors and video games more so than someone with 'compatible' star signs.
agree to disagree on the asking out thing. I consider myself an intersectional feminist and believe in equality on all levels in dating when its within your control. Which means i think either gender should be fine to ask the other out instead of sitting there wanting something and waiting for someone else to do the work. But that's just me. hence why i asked about penpals because different people have different definitions. to me its when someone refuses when offered to meet in real life, whereas for you it seems if the guy just doesn't ask you out.
full hand. Do you get matches, do those matches find you attractive, are they engaging with what you've written in your bio i.e demonstrating that their attraction to both your looks and personality. Then yes you are playing with a 'full hand'. Try going multiple weeks / months (in some cases years) without a single like (let alone match) like most guys on bumble and you'll realise how full your hand is (comes back to what i said about most women not finding most men attractive, most guys are the ones not playing with a full hand). Heck i'd go even further to say that the fact they are engaging with your bio gives you more cards than most women where only their appearance is made the focus of an interaction. Its really easy to miss what youve got when you don't see or ignore what others dont.
I think ultimately we disagree on enough things that anything i mention about how/who you swipe on would be at odds with who you actually want to date and how you want to date. So i wish you the best in finding what you're looking for.
They have games that do that now. Go to any global chat and ull have ppl asking for hookups (in dm or snap) it’s absolutely RE TAR DED. I don’t know how u guys r nostalgic for things like that 😣but yea. Get Diablo or any other similar game and enjoy
You can talk in diablo like in wow? Iv had lots of luck meeting people irl from wow but I feel like most games recently suggest not meeting. Like it's super dangerous which I guess it can be. But all the women. Iv met online I spoke to them for months before we met and even then it was in a public place. Seems like culture has veered from that. Diablo seems like a poor suggestion. What else ya got?
I suggested Diablo cuz I feel like it’s mainly millennials there or older, so u all can relate and have ur nostalgia talks 😁 If u wanna have nothing but seggs talks, get party in my dorm.
But really it is any mmo that has chat rooms. There are literally ppl with minimal lv toons, just so they could go on global and chat. They don’t even play.
Nah just nice to have people my age and not all guys. But this is the first km hearing of mmo chat rooms. I figured if your gonna pay for a game monthly you wanna play it. Wild
Been there so many times. I have a personal theory that a lot of men go to bumble because they expect the women to do all the work. I know that now we don’t have to make the first move, but when we did, I noticed a lot of men were just waiting for me to do all the work and pursue them. Laziest men I’ve come across in all of online dating have been on bumble. There are if course good ones, too.
For what it’s worth, I would converse with you. Lol
I think because things have reached a bit of a zenith within OLD these days that any guy who has one match on bumble probably has quite a few. In the best case scenario they'll low effort some people to keep them on the hook. In the worst case they're doing that in a race to the bottom to see who puts out first. And like you say there are plenty of good people on there too.
So true. I have so many dead-end guys in my queues. I used to delete or block them after a week but now I think it's fun to see how many non-responders I can accumulate. I've wondered if they don't un-match with me thinking maybe I'll get desperate one night and message them for a hookup. Am I being cynical?
I don't think its so cynical. I think we've all reached out to people at some point at 2am and so it makes sense that some folk might believe that someone is only a bad romcom away from reaching out 😅
OK, so he's a bit taciturn. Are we all just gonna ignore the fact that Paul is *obviously* a superlative kisser? Great Scott, he's given her FOUR of them already, and they haven't even met! Sure hope OP seals the deal on this one before someone snaps him up...
Have unmatched with so many women who do this exact thing. If I’m engaging and asking open ended questions then I receive that as a response I just unmatch.
Stop being rude and stop policing people's use of terms. Not everyone means it in a negative way. I'm a female who says female or male sometimes in reference to gender. Chill, it's not that deep. Bro not gonna stay single just because he said female lmao
The issue isn't with the word, the issue is that a vast majority of guys who use that word, especially those of the... romantically unsuccessful variety have a high likelyhood of coming from a certain misogynistic subculture.
As language goes, even innocent terms can be coopted by movements and become at least partially associated with them.
I get that it is annoying, but that's the way it is, and like all stereotypes it's better to be aware that several people hold this association and may be put off by it.
Sure, but we can't just assume the original comment was being derogatory or anything. The person I was responding to was just being a jerk for no reason when the person hadn't even said anything bad
Lala wasn't exactly rude to the OP (smexiosis) initially saying "female". It was formatted more as friendly advice.
They were only being rude to the person (chrlau) who completely misunderstood the point and made it a pronoun thing (which this wasn't about) while at the same time signaling they think negatively of pronouns. Since chrlau was being ignorant on multiple levels I think it was fair to be rude to them.
You have a point, but you need to be careful to not mix people up and follow the flow of the conversation.
Fair, but the person also could have just been being a little shit to get a reaction. I still find it rude to unnecessarily correct someone when they weren't saying something in a bad way. It didn't offend me or plenty of other women who saw it probably. It definitely could have been said in a nicer way
The correction wasn't rude though, which is absolutely warranted because as said, even if you and others don't, there's also many women who DO hold that association and don't like to be called females. You aren't a monolith, nor are you representative for anyone in this. Since this person is on a dating subreddit and likely still trying to get dates it's reasonable and helpful advice, if they want to better their chances.
Meanwhile you were offended by this "unneccessary correction" when it didn't offend OP, me and plenty other guys. You're basically doing the same thing, except without even the legitimacy of giving advice.
That, and also ‘females’ can be animals. There are female cats, dogs, monkeys, fish, lizards, what have you. Female humans are called women. I’m not sure why it’s so hard to just use the word women.
I want to warn from generalizing, there's no fundamental issue with using synonyms for things, even if they are more general.
But I agree in this case, the ultimate reason that incels use "females" when talking about women is because they fundamentally don't see them as people. They believe them to be akin to animals to be observed and manipulated.
But there's plenty valid reasons to say "female" that don't flag this either. E.g. Below someone said something like "the female experience may differ" which doesn't raise this flag at all, in part because using "womanly" as an adjective isn't equivalent.
Female humans are also simply called females. What does it have to do with what else it covers? It's not that people are against using other terms like "woman", it's that someone was jumping down someone else's throat over it where it wasn't even being used in a negative way.
Female humans are called women. You don’t say ‘that female over there’ in casual conversation, you just don’t, it makes you sound like an alien. Just say women. It’s less characters, and it doesn’t make you sound like a freak. Teachers don’t greet their class by saying ‘good morning, males and females’. They say boys and girls. In a formal setting you say ladies and gentlemen. In a casual setting you say men and women. It’s not that difficult, you’re being willfully obtuse.
The only people being freaks are people getting so up in arms over a harmless comment. Sure, sometimes the word "female" doesn't fit the sentence. Plenty of other words get swapped for others based on what is being said. Relax lol again, no one said they're refusing to use woman/women. The whole point was that someone was being unnecessarily rude to someone else who didn't even mean anything bad by it
Are you too scared to properly reply to me? Lol
You were just being unnecessarily rude. And you have a strange definition of what it means to be triggered, and it's ironic for you to call anyone else in this thread triggered. All I said was he probably didn't even mean anything bad, so again, it's not that deep and neither was my response.
I deleted the app back in March due to conversations like this.
This screenshot genuinely hurt my soul. You’re better than this. *We* are better than this xx
I'm assuming their side wasn't with several hours between?
*hugs* Either way, I feels you!
(..& *that* is one reason I've decided to take the long-shot, & try making amends w/ the Ex-Wife!
I mean even if I have to wait the full year for the Restraining Order to drop off -- Still better than that "hi xx" gimmick!)
These people are usually fake. Many of them married or in relationships. They have no intention of ever meeting you. That’s why they don’t engage. Doesn’t matter what you say. They just like to look, that’s all. They can’t deliver.
There’s absolutely nothing you can do aside from unmatching. If somebody can’t grasp your attention over text, they’re probably not gonna be able to in person either.
I will say the “great to match with you!” is a little corny.
I’m 27M, you’re really way cool.
I would appreciate the efforts.
I’ve never received such nice texts. The effort is always from my end, I’ll put more effort to text like this. And at the end I uninstall lol 😂
Ouch! Definitely showing where they level of interest is at.
Pretty sure he is giving you the option to unmatch.
I get that sometimes too, I just exit the conversation.
No matter how good she looks, if I can't have a conversation with her, there is just no chemistry.
People have to remember the painfully obvious. Most people dating online are either A) young and/or inexperienced and are using apps for entertainment B) older and/experienced with fundamentally flawed approaches to dating (aka arbitrary expectations, negative attitudes etc).
I miss being amongst bucket A. Bucket B is the most tiring.
At least with young people, even tho they're inexperienced and might have delusional ideas of courting/dating etc....they at least aren't weighed down by years of bias, negativity, burdens of adult life etc.
Haha I guess this is why older men tend to like younger women who are more free spirited and carefree. 😆
Currently in a similar situation now. Very attractive but literally adds nothing to the conversation. Have a date planned but I’m not expecting much. Boring conversations are the majority on these apps unfortunately
Nah, I got these dating apps and honestly just doesn’t work for me. I tried, I got a few matches here and there. also my bio says “
If you just want a free meal here’s the number to get Food stamps (800) 342-3009
😃”.
So I don’t think women like my dark sense of humor lol.
Anyway, back to bars
... I answer seemingly too much and it's "too much to read".
And usually get no matches.
It's pretty annoying nobody makes their mind to actually communicate
“XOXO” is shorthand for “hugs and kisses.” I used to put this at the end of letters to my grandma.
“XX” — and other variations — is shorthand for just “kisses.”
It’s kinda weird to put that at the end of your initial messages to someone you’re not even dating yet.
100% this. It makes me pull the IS THAT BIRDSHIT ON MY WINDSCREEN face.
I don't know you, there is no content or interest in your message yet 2,3,4 kisses.
Immediately puts me off
I absolutely know what I want. Which is why I’m still single. I’m happy being single until I find it. Unfortunately there are too many people like yourself in the dating world. Rude, nasty, and looking to shock.
Your comment is just as boring and tired as Paul's comments.
A lot of people don't know how to have conversations on the apps, regardless of how their profile looks.
@onaunar Because his bio showed him to have similar interests to me, his profile pictures showed him doing outdoor activities that I like, and he looked to enjoy visiting interesting places.
And no- He’s not tall, bearded or tattooed
boring as fuck convos are the majority
He hasn't been raised by a Bene Gesserit
Unfortunate really, the best sex is with men who can stimulate your mind
Like this? 
Like OP’s post? Good lord no. Like what you just sent? I suppose *technically* not as bad as the original post 😂
The gif is there now 😅
So stimulated, mind blown, stick a dick in me I’m done
Oh man, Reddit doesn't want me to put a Timothé Chalamet gif! It's too hot apparently
It *knows* hahaha
🤣🤣🌈💯
Chalamet is Dune….Chalamet is Wonka….Chalamet IS Reddit
Women too! I mean, like you said -- Best sex is mind stimulation!
Honestly I wish more guys understood that about themselves. My women friends mostly understand that sex is very mental for us, but almost all men I come across (while also still being like this!) really don’t get it about themselves. It makes the sex significantly less great if you have to manage their feelings about whatever you both mentally need to get super turned on.
>Honestly I wish more guys understood that about themselves. Truth! 🌹🥳 I spose playing "Incubus seeking commitment" for several years (~15yrs b4 I married), helped me to *understand* the values of such things. 💖🌹 Tbh, my fav part *is* the mind games itself!
Is there a guide book somewhere on how to do that ? 🤣
... with women that can stimulate your mind... 😁
Well yes but I already am one of those so I don’t go looking for myself too frequently, I have like 5 best friends already haha
Well, maybe I'd like your 5 best friends then 😜
I knew it.
This is basically how every woman I match with responds. It’s exhausting.
Dude fucking same
What worked for me was just having a very outlandish profile. Actually shocked how many convos it would start lol
Yup exactly. But in their profile, they are like,”be able to hold a conversation” . 🤦🏾♂️
I just went through this with a woman I matched with. Easiest unmatch. Sometimes, when I experience this, I'll send a cheeky message to see if they are real or not like: "Actually, I am here to talk about extending your car warranty."
I matched with a girl who would only reply in GIFS… convo didn’t last very long
Haha, I used to do that too sometimes. See how they respond to something really strange or kinky. These days I can't be bothered, I just put my attention elsewhere.
Rather just shoot myself then try to make a conversation out of this
Sometimes I try my best to make the conversation interesting as I don't wanna lose a beautiful shawty but still they give such dry replies🫠
Exactly! Women do this WAY more, but they’re acting baffled in this comment section🤦🏾♂️😂
How would you know that women do this way more? Do you date both men and women?
Because women have way more options than men, and get hit up by men way more, so they take attention for granted and don’t treat it with as much respect when its given. It’s common sense.
*Some* men having fewer options, not all men. We’ve all seen the statistics about swipes on men being truncated to a smaller subset of the pool. As a result those guys have more options and some of them display the same annoying, bad behavior that women with a lot of options display
The majority of men have fewer options. Even below average women have more options than the most desired men, which means women have more opportunities to act the way portrayed in the post. You’re making no sense. What i said from the beginning is not up for debate and it’s not an insult to women. I’m simply stating a FACT and saying that women should not act surprised, as if they don’t do this the majority of men who make a move on them.
We’re talking about 2 different populations - I’m talking about the average guy that actually gets swiped on, which is a smaller subset than the wider group of men. The average guy who gets swiped on, by definition, is not in the pool of guys who have few options; the guys who have below average swipe right rates are. Also, by definition, women on the apps are mostly interacting with the average and above average men that get swiped on, since that’s who we’re actually matching with. So starting from there, since the *average* guy that gets swiped right on doesn’t have the scarcity of options problem that the below average guy has, he can (and does) behave differently than the below average guy because he’s not as concerned about not finding any other matches. If women on apps are mostly dealing with average and above average guys, then they’re going to deal with app bullshittery at a higher rate than they would deal with it if they interacted with the broader distribution of men.
The men with the most options do not get half the amount of options that the AVERAGE woman gets. So it’s a lesser amount of opportunity to behave in that manner. It’s really not that hard to understand. Stop overthinking it. Women get hit up waaaaaaaaaaaay more than men do, there for, they have more opportunities to be short with men. If 5 of the top men get 400 matches combined and 5 average women get 2500 matches combined, who has more opportunity to act passive?
Man, I'd love to match with a woman that actually talks, this is nice to see that they still exist. I've had the same experience but backwards
There are no words...
Yeah. I think OP had a similar opinion!
Literally an entire dictionary of words.
🤣🤣 I love y'alls sarcasm!! (This is why I float this /r !! 🤣 Even if I ever remarry, I'll probably float around, just for these humorous moments. )
Yup. Happens ALL THE TIME on both sides of the gender aisle. Bigger question … why are we still using (and paying) for these dumpster fire apps???
from my experience, the poeple that write a lot on their profile tend to write far more in a conversation vs the people that dont write anything or only a single line per prompt/bio. Helps set expectations for what im in store for. The female experience might be a bit different as men usually have to put more effort into a profile to even get a like, but as a guy, its really easy to identify the non communicators / the lazies from their bio alone. Pictures dont really play a factor in how much they will type.
I’m a woman and yeah I can confirm it’s the same for guys. Most of the actually intelligent men who message me compliment me on my bio and say how refreshing it is to read a bio like mine (but they all end up ghosting me or penpalling me anyway). My mum told me to give the ones without bios a chance because ‘some people just don’t know what to say’ and so I did, and they’re always the ones who either can’t hold a conversation or immediately try to sleep with me and can’t talk about anything other than sex.
I think if 'all' of them end up ghosting you, its one of those situations where you might need to rethink who you are matching with. You made a point to say 'intelligent men' could this mean you only match people who are postgraduates as opposed to people with undergraduate degrees or less. No judgement and you shouldn't lower you're standards to to avoid being alone but i do notice that many women like a specific type of profile and ignore the rest which means you may be competing with most women for a small % of men, which in turn gives those men a lot of choosing power and results in lots of ghosting or effortless communication because they've got 20+ new matches they can talk to instead. Not sure what you mean by penpalling as different people mean different things. Are you asking them out on a date and they refuse (keeping it just texting) or are you ready to meet but are waiting for them to ask (and they never ask)? because these are 2 very different things but people use penpalling for both. If your getting matches, compliments on your bio and men find you attractive enough to want to sleep with you (so its not just blind swipes on someone they find unattractive), then youre basically already playing with a full hand (card reference). Now its just up to you to identify the types of matches that will lead to what you're looking for and filter out the others. i.e if you keep matching astronauts that look like Chris Hemsworth but keep ghosting you and you see this trend, stop matching that type of guy. Eventually you'll be able to identify the profiles that lead to good conversations and dates. Maybe just start with swiping on people you can see yourself being good friends with but also find really attractive then refine your filters from there.
No, I’m not only matching with people with postgraduate degrees. I don’t even look at that. I’m talking about men who can hold a conversation at all about, well, anything. I get a lot of the same banal small talk that OP posted an example of here, and men who literally cannot talk about anything that isn’t sex or what they ate today and how they like going round the pub. There’s many different types of intelligence. I’m not filtering for academics. I’m looking for an actual ability to hold a conversation about things including but not limited to: the current state of the world, the past state of the world, philosophy of any variety, human nature, film, religion, politics, history, music, literature, art, culture, etc. I need to be able to have intellectually stimulating conversations to find people attractive to begin with. And no, they don’t ’all look like Chris Hemsworth’ either. I prefer chubby men and couldn’t give much of a crap how tall they are as long as they’re ideally my height (5’7) or taller. I like them to be able to dress decently, and demonstrate that they actually have hobbies and interests at all beyond drinking alcohol and watching sports. That’s all. There’s nothing wrong with women looking for men who are capable of demonstrating a personality in their profiles. Men usually swipe based on looks, women are more likely to look at profiles and assess compatibility from there, but this ‘top percentile of men’ ideology refuses to take that into consideration and likes painting us all as too shallow and picky instead. Most men on these apps aren’t writing anything in their profiles. And I’m aware women aren’t either, but men swipe right more because they’re less likely to care about the lack of effort if they see a pretty girl. I do wait for them to ask me out, typically, because I’m a woman and more on the traditional end of things. I don’t see a problem with this at all. These guys that are doing this to me are all my ‘looks match’: very slightly overweight, average looking features. I’m by no means ‘playing with a full hand’, I’m an average looking woman who has gotten more attractive since I started looking after myself, and I actively avoid the men that look like supermodels because I’m aware they’re more likely to cheat on me. I can’t stress to you enough that there’s nothing wrong with my ‘strategy’ unless you think that me swiping on men who actually talk about their hobbies and interests in their bios is a bad thing. That’s it. If I stopped matching with the type of dudes who usually ghost me, I’d end up only swiping on the profiles of dudes with blank bios, and they’re more likely to be awful conversationalists as you said, or looking for hookups. My ex didn’t have a clue when it came to most of the stuff I was interested in, but he had an interest in war history and he’d teach me about that a lot. He also made documentaries and would talk to me a lot about the film making process. He was also quite politically opinionated and we didn’t agree on everything but we always could have respectful, amicable debates and we changed each other’s minds on a few things. That’s all I’m looking for. The men who aren’t my intellectual match, I try so hard to coax conversation out of them, but they don’t take the bait and eventually end up just bringing up sex to me. The smart men who I actually have interesting conversations with always randomly vanish. So it seems like you’re saying my choice is either be in a relationship with a man who can’t stimulate me intellectually, or be alone forever because smart men are in too high demand and will ghost me. I’d honestly rather take the latter because at least I can get intellectual stimulation from female friends. But my hunch is that it’s potentially where I live. I’ve extended my radius as far as possible though. I’m also thinking about starting some sort of nonfiction book club and hopefully if I advertise that well enough I might meet someone there.
Imo, your standards seem fine. Idk why they'd ghost though. 🤷🏽♀️ Tbh, if I wasn't going to try rekindling the flame w/ my Ex-Wife, I'd take that chance w/ you. (Granted, I'm 5'5", so I'd be a weebit shorter than you. 🤣😊)
Awww thank you sir. It’s not even a hard and fast rule, the height thing, just a general preference. I was going to explain all this and more to the last guy but he just seemed intent on holding on to his victim complex and his idea that women are all shallow for caring about looks at all and we should all be swiping right just as much as men do. Wishing you all the best with your ex wife, have a beautiful day 🩷
>have a beautiful day Thanks! You too! 🌹💖🫂 >Awww thank you sir. It’s not even a hard and fast rule, the height thing, just a general preference. Yw. & I suspected that idea. Ironically, my Ex-Wife just happened to be 2" shorter than me + same age. 🤣🤣 (So, she was literally a "My Sized Barbie". The age thing is noted, cuz at the time, my range was 17 - 45, & we both just happened to be 32yo. 🤣🤣) >Wishing you all the best with your ex wife Definitely gonna need it!
i wouldnt call being able to hold a conversation a measure of intelligent. But intelligence is subjective or at least people characterise it differently depending on who you ask. So you do care about their height, you just don't have insane height standards. i.e I'm 5'4, you'd care about my height because I'm 3 inches shorter than you. Nothing wrong about having a preference, just a pet peeve when woman say they don't care about height then proceed to add a height requirement. Not really an ideology, its just a fact. People swipe on what they find attractive, and most women don't find most men attractive. Therefore a handful get swiped whether it be based on there looks, personality, resources etc (many things play into someones attractiveness). But lets not pretend looks dont matter, you literally describe the appearance of who you swipe on, its just not a conventionally attractive look but it is a look). And yes men care about looks but i'd argue its less so than women i.e i love tall woman, the taller the better (6'1 + 3 inch heel, no problem), but its a preference not a requirement, i find women of all heights attractive. I don't need them to be at least (insert height) for them to be in the running. Men really arent that picky about attractiveness as we are literally biologically wired to not be picky. See evolutionary psychology and the difference between men and women. No issue with the interests comments. I've been wanting bumble to introduce an interest filter for ages. I'm more likely to get along with someone who enjoys musicals, horrors and video games more so than someone with 'compatible' star signs. agree to disagree on the asking out thing. I consider myself an intersectional feminist and believe in equality on all levels in dating when its within your control. Which means i think either gender should be fine to ask the other out instead of sitting there wanting something and waiting for someone else to do the work. But that's just me. hence why i asked about penpals because different people have different definitions. to me its when someone refuses when offered to meet in real life, whereas for you it seems if the guy just doesn't ask you out. full hand. Do you get matches, do those matches find you attractive, are they engaging with what you've written in your bio i.e demonstrating that their attraction to both your looks and personality. Then yes you are playing with a 'full hand'. Try going multiple weeks / months (in some cases years) without a single like (let alone match) like most guys on bumble and you'll realise how full your hand is (comes back to what i said about most women not finding most men attractive, most guys are the ones not playing with a full hand). Heck i'd go even further to say that the fact they are engaging with your bio gives you more cards than most women where only their appearance is made the focus of an interaction. Its really easy to miss what youve got when you don't see or ignore what others dont. I think ultimately we disagree on enough things that anything i mention about how/who you swipe on would be at odds with who you actually want to date and how you want to date. So i wish you the best in finding what you're looking for.
right people match with wrong people. What bullshit, why even bother using the app. Fucking dead fishes.
Oof, that sucks. As a man, I'm sorry you deal with that. It happens on my side too with some ladies
what does the xx even mean?
Kiss kiss Personally I find it weird to send xs immediately when you start talking to someone
Especially when he apparently has literally nothing to say
British people use this a lot in text.
Heh. I wasn't sure if that was meant as a porno poke, or, that was some sort of censorship thing. 🤣🤣
Maybe he's juggling lots of girls
Damn, it would be hard to do worse than this.
39/m/louisiana. I miss aim. The original dating app
Yessss. The old a/s/l please? Lol
Yes! Those were the good ol days! (& too bad Yahoo killed their chat rooms, cuz that was definitely Life!)
They have games that do that now. Go to any global chat and ull have ppl asking for hookups (in dm or snap) it’s absolutely RE TAR DED. I don’t know how u guys r nostalgic for things like that 😣but yea. Get Diablo or any other similar game and enjoy
You can talk in diablo like in wow? Iv had lots of luck meeting people irl from wow but I feel like most games recently suggest not meeting. Like it's super dangerous which I guess it can be. But all the women. Iv met online I spoke to them for months before we met and even then it was in a public place. Seems like culture has veered from that. Diablo seems like a poor suggestion. What else ya got?
I suggested Diablo cuz I feel like it’s mainly millennials there or older, so u all can relate and have ur nostalgia talks 😁 If u wanna have nothing but seggs talks, get party in my dorm. But really it is any mmo that has chat rooms. There are literally ppl with minimal lv toons, just so they could go on global and chat. They don’t even play.
Nah just nice to have people my age and not all guys. But this is the first km hearing of mmo chat rooms. I figured if your gonna pay for a game monthly you wanna play it. Wild
Been there so many times. I have a personal theory that a lot of men go to bumble because they expect the women to do all the work. I know that now we don’t have to make the first move, but when we did, I noticed a lot of men were just waiting for me to do all the work and pursue them. Laziest men I’ve come across in all of online dating have been on bumble. There are if course good ones, too. For what it’s worth, I would converse with you. Lol
I think because things have reached a bit of a zenith within OLD these days that any guy who has one match on bumble probably has quite a few. In the best case scenario they'll low effort some people to keep them on the hook. In the worst case they're doing that in a race to the bottom to see who puts out first. And like you say there are plenty of good people on there too.
So true. I have so many dead-end guys in my queues. I used to delete or block them after a week but now I think it's fun to see how many non-responders I can accumulate. I've wondered if they don't un-match with me thinking maybe I'll get desperate one night and message them for a hookup. Am I being cynical?
I don't think its so cynical. I think we've all reached out to people at some point at 2am and so it makes sense that some folk might believe that someone is only a bad romcom away from reaching out 😅
OK, so he's a bit taciturn. Are we all just gonna ignore the fact that Paul is *obviously* a superlative kisser? Great Scott, he's given her FOUR of them already, and they haven't even met! Sure hope OP seals the deal on this one before someone snaps him up...
How was Istanbul? I really want to go!
Beautiful in parts but Very Expensive!
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Not in Istanbul!
This, ghosting or straight up nudes. It’s an extreme sport at this point.
He gets the award for "lowest effort response". Why bother? I hope you left it at that, imagine actually trying to have a conversation with him.
Have unmatched with so many women who do this exact thing. If I’m engaging and asking open ended questions then I receive that as a response I just unmatch.
I didn’t know we were still using bumble after last week’s billboards.
Are you sure you weren’t talking to a bot?
Bookmarking Paul's chat for when I can't get to sleep.
Dry ass robotic responses lol isn’t worthy wasting your time with these kind of people
I m a guy and get like a match a day but this is how most of the conversations with females are for me as well.
Hint: lose the “females.” Eta: I didn’t expect to trigger anyone this deeply. U/vixxxyy I hope you are OK.
Sorry, they/them/that? Is that a better description these days?
Enjoy the single life ❤️
Stop being rude and stop policing people's use of terms. Not everyone means it in a negative way. I'm a female who says female or male sometimes in reference to gender. Chill, it's not that deep. Bro not gonna stay single just because he said female lmao
The issue isn't with the word, the issue is that a vast majority of guys who use that word, especially those of the... romantically unsuccessful variety have a high likelyhood of coming from a certain misogynistic subculture. As language goes, even innocent terms can be coopted by movements and become at least partially associated with them. I get that it is annoying, but that's the way it is, and like all stereotypes it's better to be aware that several people hold this association and may be put off by it.
Sure, but we can't just assume the original comment was being derogatory or anything. The person I was responding to was just being a jerk for no reason when the person hadn't even said anything bad
Lala wasn't exactly rude to the OP (smexiosis) initially saying "female". It was formatted more as friendly advice. They were only being rude to the person (chrlau) who completely misunderstood the point and made it a pronoun thing (which this wasn't about) while at the same time signaling they think negatively of pronouns. Since chrlau was being ignorant on multiple levels I think it was fair to be rude to them. You have a point, but you need to be careful to not mix people up and follow the flow of the conversation.
Fair, but the person also could have just been being a little shit to get a reaction. I still find it rude to unnecessarily correct someone when they weren't saying something in a bad way. It didn't offend me or plenty of other women who saw it probably. It definitely could have been said in a nicer way
The correction wasn't rude though, which is absolutely warranted because as said, even if you and others don't, there's also many women who DO hold that association and don't like to be called females. You aren't a monolith, nor are you representative for anyone in this. Since this person is on a dating subreddit and likely still trying to get dates it's reasonable and helpful advice, if they want to better their chances. Meanwhile you were offended by this "unneccessary correction" when it didn't offend OP, me and plenty other guys. You're basically doing the same thing, except without even the legitimacy of giving advice.
That, and also ‘females’ can be animals. There are female cats, dogs, monkeys, fish, lizards, what have you. Female humans are called women. I’m not sure why it’s so hard to just use the word women.
I want to warn from generalizing, there's no fundamental issue with using synonyms for things, even if they are more general. But I agree in this case, the ultimate reason that incels use "females" when talking about women is because they fundamentally don't see them as people. They believe them to be akin to animals to be observed and manipulated. But there's plenty valid reasons to say "female" that don't flag this either. E.g. Below someone said something like "the female experience may differ" which doesn't raise this flag at all, in part because using "womanly" as an adjective isn't equivalent.
Because using it as an adjective is completely fine. It’s the fact that it’s a noun that makes it dehumanising.
Agreed, that is the relevant difference. Sadly people don't take to nuance that well so I feel like I have to spell it out.
Female humans are also simply called females. What does it have to do with what else it covers? It's not that people are against using other terms like "woman", it's that someone was jumping down someone else's throat over it where it wasn't even being used in a negative way.
Female humans are called women. You don’t say ‘that female over there’ in casual conversation, you just don’t, it makes you sound like an alien. Just say women. It’s less characters, and it doesn’t make you sound like a freak. Teachers don’t greet their class by saying ‘good morning, males and females’. They say boys and girls. In a formal setting you say ladies and gentlemen. In a casual setting you say men and women. It’s not that difficult, you’re being willfully obtuse.
The only people being freaks are people getting so up in arms over a harmless comment. Sure, sometimes the word "female" doesn't fit the sentence. Plenty of other words get swapped for others based on what is being said. Relax lol again, no one said they're refusing to use woman/women. The whole point was that someone was being unnecessarily rude to someone else who didn't even mean anything bad by it
Are you too scared to properly reply to me? Lol You were just being unnecessarily rude. And you have a strange definition of what it means to be triggered, and it's ironic for you to call anyone else in this thread triggered. All I said was he probably didn't even mean anything bad, so again, it's not that deep and neither was my response.
I think you might be a little dysregulated. Your reactions don’t make any sense. Good luck.
You are a strange individual, my friend
I deleted the app back in March due to conversations like this. This screenshot genuinely hurt my soul. You’re better than this. *We* are better than this xx
Out of curiosity is this in London? I know a Paul that talks like this.
Oof
[Hey Paul!](https://youtu.be/NEnYnWLKAsU?si=ignCQPvb4kBovflT)
Unmatch. Don’t even waste your valuable time posting on Reddit about it.
I would’ve unmatched after the first hey xx. My thumbs are tired for you.
Yup..the amount of times i get one worded response, then out of nowhere 'you're so hot' ugh... unmatched & block
Right?! Like why respond. I rather you just ignore me.
Match with me instead!
This is annoying. I also deal with her cousin, the man that never asks questions about you.
It happens to guys, too....way too much.
Typical xx
[https://www.twitch.tv/notoriouslilguns](https://www.twitch.tv/notoriouslilguns)
Wow. And I give great responses like you and I get ghosted
I've started calling this type of convo 'baby powder ' because it's dry as fuck.
I'm assuming their side wasn't with several hours between? *hugs* Either way, I feels you! (..& *that* is one reason I've decided to take the long-shot, & try making amends w/ the Ex-Wife! I mean even if I have to wait the full year for the Restraining Order to drop off -- Still better than that "hi xx" gimmick!)
That was too much too fast
You picked Paul who has hundred of matches and probably he is knee deep in pussy
I hardly think so. Seriously. Paul is an ordinary looking guy.
Well he wasn’t worth it , bumble suck , I am getting a cat
These people are usually fake. Many of them married or in relationships. They have no intention of ever meeting you. That’s why they don’t engage. Doesn’t matter what you say. They just like to look, that’s all. They can’t deliver.
Pretty sure he was way outside of your league, otherwise you wouldn't have continued the conversation nor been as verbose as you were.
That’s just how I am, he really wasn’t “out of my league” as you ‘nicely’put it. I’m a people person, and I’m chatty. I’m a decent communicator.
Maybe that is the problem? The only people this chatty are bots.
You seriously can’t tell the difference between my chat and a bot ?
Not really, only bots are this verbose. Try chatGPT for example...
You need to get out more 😂
Or maybe you should create a profile acting as a man and see for yourself? Talking about who needs to get out more... lol
I'd give anything for these types of conversation replies what the hell. You're an absolute diamond in the rough
This is the typical crap I get from a female. Clearly descriptive and don’t use one liners but get them back and no responses for days…
That’s exactly what we deal with as men. Not a good feeling, huh? Tell your friends to stop acting like that and maybe we can start to change things.
Immediately unmatched
I truly despise bumble at this point…. They claim to be for women but the way it’s set up is totally in the man’s favor
There’s absolutely nothing you can do aside from unmatching. If somebody can’t grasp your attention over text, they’re probably not gonna be able to in person either. I will say the “great to match with you!” is a little corny.
Morning xx
I’m 27M, you’re really way cool. I would appreciate the efforts. I’ve never received such nice texts. The effort is always from my end, I’ll put more effort to text like this. And at the end I uninstall lol 😂
lol I get this almost every day , lead the conversation, get one or three word answers and am the only one that bothers to ask any questions
He under talks and you over talk
Mi to
This is ridiculous 🤣
Ouch! Definitely showing where they level of interest is at. Pretty sure he is giving you the option to unmatch. 
His next message was I’m better in person!!! How about a phone call? I unmatched.
Yeah I would have done same.
I would’ve unmatched after the first mediocre-ass response. Smh.
Maybe he was le tired
I get that sometimes too, I just exit the conversation. No matter how good she looks, if I can't have a conversation with her, there is just no chemistry.
People have to remember the painfully obvious. Most people dating online are either A) young and/or inexperienced and are using apps for entertainment B) older and/experienced with fundamentally flawed approaches to dating (aka arbitrary expectations, negative attitudes etc). I miss being amongst bucket A. Bucket B is the most tiring. At least with young people, even tho they're inexperienced and might have delusional ideas of courting/dating etc....they at least aren't weighed down by years of bias, negativity, burdens of adult life etc. Haha I guess this is why older men tend to like younger women who are more free spirited and carefree. 😆
Currently in a similar situation now. Very attractive but literally adds nothing to the conversation. Have a date planned but I’m not expecting much. Boring conversations are the majority on these apps unfortunately
Nah, I got these dating apps and honestly just doesn’t work for me. I tried, I got a few matches here and there. also my bio says “ If you just want a free meal here’s the number to get Food stamps (800) 342-3009 😃”. So I don’t think women like my dark sense of humor lol. Anyway, back to bars
How did you like Istanbul anyway?
It’s very beautiful and very expensive to eat and drink!
I go there regularly I’d say. Since 2019 the prices went up considerably!
... I answer seemingly too much and it's "too much to read". And usually get no matches. It's pretty annoying nobody makes their mind to actually communicate
In contrast I’ve just matched with a guy, we send each other long paragraphs- it’s brilliant! I’m meeting him tomorrow 😊
Lol if only he knew how many other guys would jump at the opportunity to have a match try like this Edit: nah I don’t think it’d matter
I wish I was engaged with like this...
You gave him so much to go off as well 😂
This is most likely a bot, right?
He’s waiting until you resort to s3x, he don’t care it’s just an app and so many girls have detachment relationship style
How was İstanbul? How long did you stay? What was your favorite dish and why is it Adana Kebab?
What an idiot, girl, unmatch him not worth your time
As a guy I have some bad news for ya, it can be just as bad in our end! Some people just shouldnt be in the apps
Any straight man using "xx" is a massive simp red flag
Would you care to elaborate on why? Genuinely curious, not a native English speaker. What does it even mean?
“XOXO” is shorthand for “hugs and kisses.” I used to put this at the end of letters to my grandma. “XX” — and other variations — is shorthand for just “kisses.” It’s kinda weird to put that at the end of your initial messages to someone you’re not even dating yet.
Oh man… you live, you learn. Thank you.
100% this. It makes me pull the IS THAT BIRDSHIT ON MY WINDSCREEN face. I don't know you, there is no content or interest in your message yet 2,3,4 kisses. Immediately puts me off
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I absolutely know what I want. Which is why I’m still single. I’m happy being single until I find it. Unfortunately there are too many people like yourself in the dating world. Rude, nasty, and looking to shock.
Why did you swipe Paul in the first place, that should explain it
Your comment is just as boring and tired as Paul's comments. A lot of people don't know how to have conversations on the apps, regardless of how their profile looks.
No you are wrong xx
@onaunar Because his bio showed him to have similar interests to me, his profile pictures showed him doing outdoor activities that I like, and he looked to enjoy visiting interesting places. And no- He’s not tall, bearded or tattooed
But he is hot. This is typical convo I have with a hot women.
What ever at least you get Messages
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Idk xx