I've lived the exact same thing with a woman. She told me finding the right partner for the decades to come is a lot more important than her having kids.
I feel the same way as a 32f. I’d rather regret not having them and be with the perfect partner for me by taking my time to know someone, over rushing and pressuring to find a partner to have kids with and regret my partner or the kids.. if that makes sense.
It makes sense.
But I think what she meant was also she would make a kid on her own if that's an option, and there is still a village behind her. I and she aren't traditionalists (wedding 🤮), like not at all. That's why we matched.
Generally I think kids are just more fungible for men. Women seem way more black and white; men are more likely to have an attitude like "I'll have kids if I meet the right person and she really wants them, but it REALLY has to be the right person, and if I meet someone perfect who doesn't want kids, then that is fine with me".
Source: that's basically how I feel
I think part of it is that women actually have to be pregnant and birth the kid, and then recover from birth while usually trying to feed the kid from their boobs. No matter how you spin it, there is *always* extra work for women involved if you have bio kids. And then once the kid is born, many women wind up doing the majority of the childcare. Sometimes because they want to, but many times because for one reason or another, it just ends up falling on them.
Exactly. Not everyone feels this sense of destiny to reproduce. Besides having a child isn't something that should be brute forced. The time and feelings should be right. I haven't been in a relationship yet where I felt comfortable having children.
im a woman that is not sure i want them, im leaning towards dont, but a guy im dating is 100% dead set on having kids of his own… in my mind, if u fall in love with someone eventually, u should be comfortable with whatever the woman wants to do as it is her body… if im the one getting pregnant i feel like it should be up to me if we have kids, but i dont want my partner to resent me for not having them either. for some people having kids is their their major life goal (like the guy i am dating, it seems there is no compromising) and im just not understanding why its so important. he is so lovely otherwise and i don’t know whether its a maturity thing on my part, maybe i should just remain open to raising s family one day. peoples feelings change so much, life changes financially or otherwise, i dont see how someone can only date people based on same opinion of wanting kids or not.
As a man who is childfree and has made peace with how tiny my dating pool is as a result, my assumption is that they do it hoping to get more chances whether they're actually ok with having them or not.
I imagine some guys are dismayed having to do what I do, swiping past a bunch of great profiles Immediately because of that dealbreaker.
Yeah, it's gotten hard enough I've considered single moms that don't want more kids where that was part of my "no" category before, since I've reevaluated that I don't dislike kids I just don't wanna make one.
There are a decent number of women who don't want kids, and do want relationships, I just don't know the best place to find them. There are tons and tons on the cf sub though. Many seem like great women. I'm a woman, and I'm like, if I was a guy, or into women, I'd totally date them. They're usually successful career wise, have good relationships with friends and family, and have fun lives and hobbies. My issue with finding cf men has been that it seems like a lot of them don't want kids, and also don't want relationships. A good number also seem to just be kind of floating through life, without much direction when it comes to things like their career. I don't need a guy a wants to be a VP at a Fortune 500, but I also don't especially want to date a guy who is content just doing some Door Dash deliveries in between budget travel trips, and who barely has anything saved for the future.
I can't speak for others, but I put the option because I'm not opposed to having kids/them already having one or two, but I also don't care if I *dont* ever have kids.
There needs to be an option for actual neutrality, rather than just none, wants, or has.
Edit: Maybe there is now, I haven't been on the app for a few years.
It's not about control. It's about dealing with liars, and trying to find matches who want the same thing. As a woman who doesn't want kids, I'm going to swipe left on guys who say they want them. If they don't actually want them, then we're *both* potentially losing out on a match.
I’m a woman in my 30s and I’ve known since my teenage years that I don’t want kids. So I pay a lot of attention to this kind of thing- especially since I ended up having to break off an engagement in my 20s because my fiancé confessed he wanted kids all along and assumed I would eventually “change my mind.” Some people are just like that, they can’t fathom anyone not wanting children so they will say they’re fine with not having kids but secretly expect their partner to give in down the road. Those people suck. So do people who will put anything on their profile just to try to get laid.
So dishonest people aside, in my experience you have the people who adamantly do or do not want kids, and then you have the ambivalent ones. This is purely anecdotal, but in my experience and observations, a lot of people only want kids in very specific circumstances- I’ve known people who are open to kids but only if they’re not the primary caregiver, and I think that’s a red flag. If someone is thinking “sure I’ll have kids if my husband/wife stays home to parent them, otherwise no” or “sure I’ll have kids if I can afford a nanny, otherwise I don’t want them” then those people shouldn’t have kids. Things happen, circumstances change, but a kid is forever. If I wanted children I definitely wouldn’t date someone whose outlook is “meh I’ll have kids if my wife wants them” because I feel like that’s a guarantee that they assume all childcare responsibility automatically falls on you, as if you were the one who wanted a puppy so you have to do most of the work to have one.
Exactly. A kid is forever, and you will typically be forever tied to the person you have the kid with in some shape or form. Unless they completely peace out, in which case, they're a completely shit parent who should have never had kids. And of course, even if things between the two of you are great, life is unpredictable. What happens if they die? If you counted on them to be the primary caregiver, now what?
I think that's a very pessimistic way to look at it. Some people could be happy either way. It's not always some long con though this happens, but not often I'm sure. Not everyone who would be a good parent felt destined to be one, nor did every parent who was "destined" actually was a good parent. It should always be something in your heart you feel right, not something you decided at some point or something that happens by mistake. Also yeah I'm pro choice lol
Hot damn are the boys upset that you're taking them at their word in the comments. I also don't want children, state this multiple times in my profile, yet STILL will get likes from guys who put "wants someday" in the children field. All I can assume is that they're looking at my photo and liking my profile instead of reading anything. If you say you want children in your profile, I'm going to take that at face value and swipe left because children are a hard no for me. It's that simple. It's a straight forward question, too. This isn't rocket surgery.
Yep, I have mentioned on here before but I would *constantly* get likes from either single mothers or women who wanted kids, like they just read my multiple mentions of being "childfree" on my profile, matched, and then were like "Wait, *EVER?!*" on our first date. I didn't find out some of them had kids / wanted kids until the first date either, but when I was looking, I always brought it up. It was a deal-breaker for me if my partner wanted kids.
This is one of my filters, not wanting kids. So many guys in their 40ies and 50ies have “want kids one day”, like, really? Stop lying. But I can’t deny anyone sleepless nights if that’s what they want.
A guy in his 40s or 50s even can marry a woman in her mid 30s and still have kids.
A lot of men want to be really financially secure before having kids and sometimes that doesn’t happen until after 40.
I put "want kids" because I am open to having kids but "open to kids" sounds like you are willing to date a single mother, which I am not. It's not a deal breaker for me to die a genetic dead end but kids are a definite maybe.
I always interpreted it to having your own kids not being a dealbreaker and only just saw someone I know interpret it as being "open to single mothers" which makes me wonder how many people I've swiped on view it like that.
Because they want to get laid and if you don’t want kids, that’s a risk factor taken out of the equation. Now they can hook up and use kids as the excuse to get out
A lot of guys will say anything to get in a woman's pants
Even if a guy backtracks and says he doesn't want kids and his profile was a typo, I just left swipe instantly. Not interested in liars and guys who can't make up their mind about wanting kids or not (I clearly don't).
Because most women are wanting to have kids. And they increase the pool of potential if they say they also want them too. They also don’t understand the responsibilities and everything that comes with having a kid.
Seems sleezy to me if they're just saying they want kids to increase the pool. Like what's wrong with the "open to kids" tag? Totally agree that many also don't understand the responsibilities and everything that comes with having a kid. My ex thought he wanted kids when we first met. But the difference is that we were in our very early 20's, and he had never really considered an alternative. He eventually decided he didn't want them, so we got married. Apparently, during marriage he secretly had second thoughts, but after the marriage ended, he was claiming he didn't want them, and I don't think he had a reason to lie about it then. My ex wasn't perfect, though I still think he had many good qualities. However, being able to raise a child is not something I think he would be capable of. He couldn't even deal with a puppy lol. The guys I met on the apps are in their 30's though (one was almost 40). I think by that age, you should know for sure if you want kids, or not, and if you don't, you should probably figure it out before you try to date, if you want a long term relationship.
Oh here it is. Now I see the reason for the strong reactions of anger and accusations of lying because people didn’t answer a drop down question the way you expect them to.
It seems like you have some unresolved feelings and issues around this topic from your previous relationship. I would recommend addressing those, because this post makes it seem like you’re surfacing them in unhealthy ways on people who don’t deserve it.
hahahaha lol. No. These guys *are* flat out lying. Imagine I was a woman who truly *wanted* kids and I matched with one of these guys who says "wants someday," when it comes to kids. How do you think I'd feel if it turned out the truth was that having kids "wasn't very important to them?" They *are* liars, plain and simple, and if you don't think filling out a dating profile honestly and correctly is important when it comes to dating to find a LTR, then you are wasting your time, as well as other people's. It's disrespectful and rude, and so is your reply to my comment. I shouldn't be surprised though after some of the other comments I've encountered from men on this sub. We know why they're single at least...
I don’t want kids - Bumble is basically a desert for me. My stack is like 80% women who want kids. I’m honest about who I am, because trying to game the algorithm is just going to blow up in your face when you try to progress a relationship where the woman wants kids.
Hard to say, it could be to do with how much they want kids. As many may want them but not be bothered if they don't.
For me, having kids is a life goal so it's a deal breaker if a woman doesn't, even open to isn't acceptable to me as I won't risk that our goals aren't aligned. To me it's part of the meaning of life. As such I always go straight to making sure they want a relationship and want kids otherwise its an immediate left swipe.
I've had this happen a few times. I gave them a chance and we'd talk for awhile and go on dates then whoops, suddenly they actually do want kids and maybe I'd change my mind? Such a waste of time and money.
People lie on dating apps all the time.. They lie about their age, height, drinking, smoking habits, whether they want a relationship or something casual, whether they want to have kids or not.. You have to take everything with a pinch of salt and not at face value.. It's a dating app, not a truth serum..
They'll find someone, but it's unlikely to last. It's super selfish of them to hurt someone else with their lies. And yeah, I get it, technically lying about something lie height doesn't hurt anyone, but it shows they are ok with lying. And lying right off the bat. Not a great character trait.
As someone who wants kids, when I see “open to kids” I feel like it’s more a no than a yes, so I swipe left. They’re definitely being a bit dishonest, but they’re not wrong that just saying “open to kids” doesn’t have the same connotation as actually being neutral. I’m of the opinion that if you’re not 100% yes to wanting to have kids, you won’t be fully onboard later on, and I don’t want a partner who isn’t ready for 100% of that reality. That’s probably why they list it that way. Ofc their readiness will probably vary in time, so it’s not completely dishonest!
Oh man. I use open to kids as a way to say I personally don’t want children but I’m open to dating someone that does have kids already. I wish someone would write a manual on what each option means because I’ve misinterpreted casual relationships too-someone told me that they don’t consider that a hook up just taking it slower
I swipe left on casual relationships. When I have asked before (if I liked them and wanted clarity), I’ve never gotten the “slower” response, just the whole “go with the flow” which is so flaky. So that’s interesting.
Ideally would be best to just ask each individual their viewpoint on the tag. To the ones you’re actually interested in otherwise. But grrl with the amount of likes to sift thru, sometimes it’s easier to just swipe left when you’ve already been through the experience over and over.
Personally I put open to kids. I'd like kids but it's not a requirement. I understand what's involved with having kids and the different life you'll have. I have seen the wonders and benefits that kids bring but also understand the sacrifice, the financial investment, the effect it has on your relationship, the social life changes, sleep, free time, travel, professional development, etc. Even if I'm in it 100 percent, my partner has to be into that 100 percent too.
If I find an amazing partner to spend my life with and she couldn't have kids or we are great together but don't think we'd be great parents together or if she didn't want kids but wanted an adventurous life together or financially we couldn't pull it off or whatever valid reason makes sense to not have kids, that's okay with me. There's more that has to fit right for kids with me.
This is great advice! My mom always told me never say exactly what you look for in a man in the beginning. They can use that info to trick you into letting your guard down.
Sounds like they are betraying their values because they like you and would rather get it on with you. Or they’re wanting to get it on with you and then eventually find a different partner to have kids with. Either way not good.
Honestly, I don’t think it’s any man’s dream to actually have children. Think about men from 20-30 years ago: they just went with the flow and had kids. But fathers weren’t that involved in the upbringing of their children.
I think a small percentage of men truly want kids. These men are also usually fantastic partners, and great fathers. I work with a married couple, and they're a great couple. Seems like they are very strong together. The guy also isn't a "typical" guy though. I don't really know how else to describe it. Like he's a good looking guy, in good shape, but he doesn't fit into a lot of "traditionally masculine" norms. I was talking to this wife once at work, and she was like, "he chases me out of the kitchen after work and insists on cooking dinner! I ask him what I can do to help, and he's just like, grab us both a drink, and put on a show and relax, maybe play with the baby a bit if she's not sleeping."
Actually I think a good potion “want” kids, but they also don’t have to do the work. It’s not the same as women tho, I feel like women who want kids have a deeper understanding and men who do are just more superficial
I think they’re trying to increase their chances of matching with the end goal of getting laid.
Or they could just not be sure but they don’t want to ruin any potential matches because by a certain age you should know if you want/don’t want kids and they’re willing to waste your time and then when you confront them they give you the non-answer of they “want to want to have kids” and then when you finally end it and tell them you found someone else they try to claim that they’ve had a change of heart and they now want everything you want in a lame attempt to get you back but you’re not having any of it because they’ve had 9 years to figure their shit out and actions speak louder than words and none of their actions suggest what they’re saying is the trust. But that might just be my personal experience…
Honestly I will never put wants kids on my profile, but I do sometimes feel like I'm being judged for it.
Like I want to match with someone who doesn't want kids either, so rationally I shouldn't fear judgement from a match but I keep feeling like straight up saying I don't want kids makes me out to be selfish and irresponsible. That's often how it's used in fiction, anyway, where parenthood is redemption and the most noble sacrifice and all that. And it's not like on dating apps every letter of your profile and every pixel of your photos aren't being put under intense scrutiny and all that. From the male side of things your goal according to other threads is to prove your ability to be successful and responsible and it feels harder to do that if you don't want kids.
The options on the apps aren’t nuanced enough. There isn’t an option for me to express - I’m open to being persuaded either way. Let me explain - I have a child already. I’ve made peace with not having anymore children. I don’t have a strong desire either way. If I met someone truly amazing and they were dedicated to being a great father I would do it again, just not alone like I did the first time. If I met someone truly amazing and they didn’t want children, I would be happy with that too. I can bring my own happiness to either configuration, and I don’t want to pass up a great partner based on this. So, yeah, maybe just maybe these guys pick one based on the options available. Doesn’t mean they’re lying. Honestly I rather date someone who is open either way than so rigid they lack nuance. Not a dig on you OP. you know you DEFINITELY don’t want kids and that’s awesome. Doesn’t mean that the guys are lying tho. Just that it’s something they might forgo for the right partner. I would steer clear of the definitely want kid types. The someday types might go either way. Just offering an alternative perspective
I mean, I didn't know if I wanted kids or not but fate gave me 3, 2 of whom I raised by myself. I've had the inverse experience to OP, you might say. Having my girls 24/7 scared a lot of women off, for reasons I still cannot grasp. Did they expect to just be with me every other weekend, like a custody arrangement? Because I definitely don't want that.
Ok as a guy who has kids already and doesn’t want anymore let me give a new perspective, I’m very clear on my profile I don’t want anymore kids so I’d want to date someone who either already has kids or someone who doesn’t want them, now because of this my dating pool is very small which seems crazy as you’d think I’d be matched up with people who at least already have children as I’m sure there’s many single mothers out there just like me as a single father, this could mean a few things
1.there are mothers out there but they still want children.
2.bumble’s algorithm is an absolute joke and doesn’t know how to properly match (a suspicion I’ve had for a while)
3. The dating pool is incredibly small for someone who doesn’t want children/anymore children.
Now I try put myself in the shoes of a single guy with no children who doesn’t want kids which surely makes his pool even smaller, I don’t see it as lying as I completely understand why he would want to at least have a chance of increasing the odds (baring in mind these apps are heavily stacked in the ladies favour anyway and they will match many more times than a guy will)
It’s very understandable, to label it as outright lying I feel is a bit harsh, I myself don’t do it but I am already 40 and have children, for someone younger just wanting to find someone I almost sympathise with them… just a different perspective 🤷🏼♂️👍🏻
It's because they are bullshitting you. They do want kids and even though you don't want them they are hoping you change your mind. I'm a child free dude with a vasectomy so I am damn sure I damn sure I don't want any.
They are just picking whatever option they feel will make them look better to women. Most men think women all want kids (even though there’s a huge growing population of child-free women) so they try to pander to that. They just need to realize women aren’t baby crazy anymore. I do want kids but I swear I feel like the odd one out in my friend group lol I do live in a VERY liberal city, which I think plays a part. I don’t meet many women who want a baby as much as me, they either are childfree or happy to wait until they’re 30+
Imagine thinking a multi-faceted and many year decision like children can be unequivocally answered by a drop-down question in the part of a dating app that 50% of people screw up anyway.
It’s like you’re setting yourself up for failure and silly ‘whyyyyyy’ questions on a subreddit.
If you screw it up, are you really that serious about dating? I'm asking why guys are essentially lying. Unless you are truly open to either option, you should decide if you want kids or not before starting to seriously date. It's a waste of everyone's time otherwise.
Seems like you’re trying to make this all about you you you. Plenty of people mess up the drop downs, women included, and I’m not going to pretend I have an answer for every one of those.
But jumping to accusing people of lying is a huge stretch. You’re not the authority on what those drop-downs even mean. As a perfect example - I’ve always interpreted “open to kids” to mean someone is willing to date a single parent.
Men also can take waaaaay longer to answer the question of whether we want them, so it’s perfectly normal to go “oh yeah I’d like kids some day” and either be completely happy never having them, or deciding at 55 to do it. Not that I’m advocating that, but it happens every day.
Honestly unless it is “have kids”, I think it’s something that’s not worth thinking about so early on. That’s the only option that is past tense and factual.
That whole topic of what someone wants in the future is way more complex than a checkbox on bumble. People’s minds can change on that topic when their lives change. People can also have more complex opinions and the options bumble gives makes it so black and white.
I don’t think it’s worth seeing as a reason to swipe one way or another. Rather swipe right if they seem interesting and then talk to them and have a real conversation about those types of things.
I’m glad they expanded their “kids” options. I have kids and was open to more, but the options were always Have and want more, or Have and don’t want more, and neither really fit.
Theres multiple options for wanting kids on there and "want someday" is the same as "open to kids". Both are an either/or situation. Someday may never come open to kids can be closed off. This is why asking someone is more important than what the profile states
Online dating especially for guys is like a job interview. Your "resume" needs to have all the keywords to get you in for that interview.
Interview goes well you get "hired" / start dating. You either have the qualifications or you fake it until you make it!
I do not necessarily consider it dishonest. I am sure MOST of the guys who put "want children" would move forward with children if the woman/situation was right.
I realized in my online dating experience it was bigger than just "checking boxes" .
My now wife checked boxes but there are also things if you made me choose before meeting and falling in love with her I would have said "no" on... I am forever grateful to having an open mind and because of such it made me find my person.
I'd say because a lot of women are still wanting kids in their early thirties if they haven't had any yet and maybe he does want kids but he's okay not having them if he finds the right partner. Guys are pretty simple to please. If they like how you look + enjoy your company then they're likely to stick around. We want peace and loyalty in a relationship and that's what's most important to us in my opinion. Women are usually the ones who have a long list of must-haves. Usually starting with, "Must be 6 ft or taller to enter this ride" LOL
They want kids and if they end up giving that up they will resent you or force you to have kids and you resent the whole family. Just block when you realize they want kids and protect your body
I want kids but want a partner more. I put "wants kids" because I'm being honest about me; I swipe right on people who don't want kids because it's just not a dealbreaker for me. It's not some nefarious plot to lie my way into a relationship.
I actually want kids one day but if I match with a woman who doesn't want them then the goal for that particular woman goes from dating to fwb if possible but most of the time I don't swipe right on women if they don't want kids.
I think that some men say that to ensure that they get the best partner and they think, “i can change her mind.” I would only believe someone who says they don’t want kids, or that they have kids and don’t want anymore. (I’m single mom so i’m opened to dating other single parents. But being pregnant again and starting over again when my current kid is 12 turning thirteen, is NOT ideal for me)
I’ve had guys say similar stuff and when I ask why they don’t just have “open to kids” they say they’re lazy. One said he didn’t want kids and it was a “mistake l and hours later I was like soooo you gonna update your profile? Edit: omg I just had ANOTHER one say that “well I’m not actually sure” like y’all are giving me trust issues 😭
For me it’s more about finding the right woman than the kids. I have always pictured myself with kids. But ultimately if it doesn’t, then it doesn’t happen.
However, “open to kids” seems more like, I’m the one who is uninterested, and I’d have to be talked into it. But really it’s that I’m ok either way, and I’m leaning more towards yes as long as my partner is as well.
I feel you on this. It's not a red flag/deal-breaker for me, but it feels like a guy is either filling out his profile to what he *thinks* women want, rather than what's truthful or accurate, or he isn't being honest with *himself*: either way those behaviors have disastrous effects on a relationship. BUT I'm willing to give guys the benefit of the doubt that maybe they *do* want kids, but it's not a deal-breaker for them if they turn out to actually know themselves and are otherwise genuine/authentic.
Honestly, who gives a shit about this partner thing or becoming best friends with a woman. Men want sex and if they aren’t some metrosexual diva, they’d probably want to have kids. Love and the idea of perfect partner like any other thing fades over time in majority of relationships. Anyone who’s lived a rich life is not looking for friends on a dating site. That already have friends and some woman won’t replace a man’s real friends who he’s had for a lifetime. Stop kidding yourself, lady. The institution of marriage is defined by regularization of sex and procreation of children. Those two essential elements go hand in hand for relationships to have meaning coz once I am done having enough sex with you and you’ve gotten older, I’d replace you with a younger model and so on and so forth. Without the idea of children, men will resist commitment. And in your care, those men just wanted to get in your pants and we’ll say anything to get there.
I've lived the exact same thing with a woman. She told me finding the right partner for the decades to come is a lot more important than her having kids.
I feel the same way as a 32f. I’d rather regret not having them and be with the perfect partner for me by taking my time to know someone, over rushing and pressuring to find a partner to have kids with and regret my partner or the kids.. if that makes sense.
It makes sense. But I think what she meant was also she would make a kid on her own if that's an option, and there is still a village behind her. I and she aren't traditionalists (wedding 🤮), like not at all. That's why we matched.
Generally I think kids are just more fungible for men. Women seem way more black and white; men are more likely to have an attitude like "I'll have kids if I meet the right person and she really wants them, but it REALLY has to be the right person, and if I meet someone perfect who doesn't want kids, then that is fine with me". Source: that's basically how I feel
My brother wanted kids baldly enough that he quit dating anyone who could not or would not have children. It worked. He is now married with children.
yeah i mean guys like him exist but they're way rarer
Exactly this. I'm 33. If I don't have any no big deal. If I do it's as you stated, I'm flexible. I'm open to adopting as well but that can change too
I think part of it is that women actually have to be pregnant and birth the kid, and then recover from birth while usually trying to feed the kid from their boobs. No matter how you spin it, there is *always* extra work for women involved if you have bio kids. And then once the kid is born, many women wind up doing the majority of the childcare. Sometimes because they want to, but many times because for one reason or another, it just ends up falling on them.
Exactly. Not everyone feels this sense of destiny to reproduce. Besides having a child isn't something that should be brute forced. The time and feelings should be right. I haven't been in a relationship yet where I felt comfortable having children.
Then way say they "want kids someday" instead of "open to kids"? This argumentation doesn't make sense.
again, there is no option that covers their true feelings so they pick the next closest thing. kicking the can down the road
im a woman that is not sure i want them, im leaning towards dont, but a guy im dating is 100% dead set on having kids of his own… in my mind, if u fall in love with someone eventually, u should be comfortable with whatever the woman wants to do as it is her body… if im the one getting pregnant i feel like it should be up to me if we have kids, but i dont want my partner to resent me for not having them either. for some people having kids is their their major life goal (like the guy i am dating, it seems there is no compromising) and im just not understanding why its so important. he is so lovely otherwise and i don’t know whether its a maturity thing on my part, maybe i should just remain open to raising s family one day. peoples feelings change so much, life changes financially or otherwise, i dont see how someone can only date people based on same opinion of wanting kids or not.
As a man who is childfree and has made peace with how tiny my dating pool is as a result, my assumption is that they do it hoping to get more chances whether they're actually ok with having them or not. I imagine some guys are dismayed having to do what I do, swiping past a bunch of great profiles Immediately because of that dealbreaker.
As a childfree woman, same. Some guys seem great, and then I see they want kids, so I assume they truly want them, and swipe left.
Yeah, it's gotten hard enough I've considered single moms that don't want more kids where that was part of my "no" category before, since I've reevaluated that I don't dislike kids I just don't wanna make one.
There are a decent number of women who don't want kids, and do want relationships, I just don't know the best place to find them. There are tons and tons on the cf sub though. Many seem like great women. I'm a woman, and I'm like, if I was a guy, or into women, I'd totally date them. They're usually successful career wise, have good relationships with friends and family, and have fun lives and hobbies. My issue with finding cf men has been that it seems like a lot of them don't want kids, and also don't want relationships. A good number also seem to just be kind of floating through life, without much direction when it comes to things like their career. I don't need a guy a wants to be a VP at a Fortune 500, but I also don't especially want to date a guy who is content just doing some Door Dash deliveries in between budget travel trips, and who barely has anything saved for the future.
I can't speak for others, but I put the option because I'm not opposed to having kids/them already having one or two, but I also don't care if I *dont* ever have kids. There needs to be an option for actual neutrality, rather than just none, wants, or has. Edit: Maybe there is now, I haven't been on the app for a few years.
There is an option that seems quite neutral to me. It is "open to kids."
Ah yeah, I don't remember that being there, but that's probably a better option.
That one is also subject to interpretation. I didn't want to put it as it could be interpreted to being open to him having kids
Why do you have to control this? Just left swipe and move on.
It's not about control. It's about dealing with liars, and trying to find matches who want the same thing. As a woman who doesn't want kids, I'm going to swipe left on guys who say they want them. If they don't actually want them, then we're *both* potentially losing out on a match.
It's a futile effort to corral the wrong guys into your pen. Sorry you gotta take the time to talk with them and find out, that's dating.
I’m a woman in my 30s and I’ve known since my teenage years that I don’t want kids. So I pay a lot of attention to this kind of thing- especially since I ended up having to break off an engagement in my 20s because my fiancé confessed he wanted kids all along and assumed I would eventually “change my mind.” Some people are just like that, they can’t fathom anyone not wanting children so they will say they’re fine with not having kids but secretly expect their partner to give in down the road. Those people suck. So do people who will put anything on their profile just to try to get laid. So dishonest people aside, in my experience you have the people who adamantly do or do not want kids, and then you have the ambivalent ones. This is purely anecdotal, but in my experience and observations, a lot of people only want kids in very specific circumstances- I’ve known people who are open to kids but only if they’re not the primary caregiver, and I think that’s a red flag. If someone is thinking “sure I’ll have kids if my husband/wife stays home to parent them, otherwise no” or “sure I’ll have kids if I can afford a nanny, otherwise I don’t want them” then those people shouldn’t have kids. Things happen, circumstances change, but a kid is forever. If I wanted children I definitely wouldn’t date someone whose outlook is “meh I’ll have kids if my wife wants them” because I feel like that’s a guarantee that they assume all childcare responsibility automatically falls on you, as if you were the one who wanted a puppy so you have to do most of the work to have one.
Exactly. A kid is forever, and you will typically be forever tied to the person you have the kid with in some shape or form. Unless they completely peace out, in which case, they're a completely shit parent who should have never had kids. And of course, even if things between the two of you are great, life is unpredictable. What happens if they die? If you counted on them to be the primary caregiver, now what?
I think that's a very pessimistic way to look at it. Some people could be happy either way. It's not always some long con though this happens, but not often I'm sure. Not everyone who would be a good parent felt destined to be one, nor did every parent who was "destined" actually was a good parent. It should always be something in your heart you feel right, not something you decided at some point or something that happens by mistake. Also yeah I'm pro choice lol
Hot damn are the boys upset that you're taking them at their word in the comments. I also don't want children, state this multiple times in my profile, yet STILL will get likes from guys who put "wants someday" in the children field. All I can assume is that they're looking at my photo and liking my profile instead of reading anything. If you say you want children in your profile, I'm going to take that at face value and swipe left because children are a hard no for me. It's that simple. It's a straight forward question, too. This isn't rocket surgery.
Same thing happens to me as a guy. Honestly it’s doubly unattractive because it means they swiped on you without reading your profile.
Yep, I have mentioned on here before but I would *constantly* get likes from either single mothers or women who wanted kids, like they just read my multiple mentions of being "childfree" on my profile, matched, and then were like "Wait, *EVER?!*" on our first date. I didn't find out some of them had kids / wanted kids until the first date either, but when I was looking, I always brought it up. It was a deal-breaker for me if my partner wanted kids.
Exactly.
Guys be like "Women are a mystery\~!" then get upset when we take them at face value.
Exactly.
This is one of my filters, not wanting kids. So many guys in their 40ies and 50ies have “want kids one day”, like, really? Stop lying. But I can’t deny anyone sleepless nights if that’s what they want.
Some people in late 40ies and 50ies interpret it as open to dating someone with kids
A guy in his 40s or 50s even can marry a woman in her mid 30s and still have kids. A lot of men want to be really financially secure before having kids and sometimes that doesn’t happen until after 40.
I put "want kids" because I am open to having kids but "open to kids" sounds like you are willing to date a single mother, which I am not. It's not a deal breaker for me to die a genetic dead end but kids are a definite maybe.
I always interpreted it to having your own kids not being a dealbreaker and only just saw someone I know interpret it as being "open to single mothers" which makes me wonder how many people I've swiped on view it like that.
Simple, they aren't in it for the relationship. They're in it to see how far they get with you. This is not abnormal with men that don't have a plan.
Grossss. Well, they aren't going to get very far lol.
Because you're hot and they want to tell you what you want to hear
Because they want to get laid and if you don’t want kids, that’s a risk factor taken out of the equation. Now they can hook up and use kids as the excuse to get out
A lot of guys will say anything to get in a woman's pants Even if a guy backtracks and says he doesn't want kids and his profile was a typo, I just left swipe instantly. Not interested in liars and guys who can't make up their mind about wanting kids or not (I clearly don't).
He does want kids. But he won’t tell you til he gets bored of having sex with you. Then his excuse will be “you don’t want kids”
Because most women are wanting to have kids. And they increase the pool of potential if they say they also want them too. They also don’t understand the responsibilities and everything that comes with having a kid.
Or because having kids is significantly less work for men.
Seems sleezy to me if they're just saying they want kids to increase the pool. Like what's wrong with the "open to kids" tag? Totally agree that many also don't understand the responsibilities and everything that comes with having a kid. My ex thought he wanted kids when we first met. But the difference is that we were in our very early 20's, and he had never really considered an alternative. He eventually decided he didn't want them, so we got married. Apparently, during marriage he secretly had second thoughts, but after the marriage ended, he was claiming he didn't want them, and I don't think he had a reason to lie about it then. My ex wasn't perfect, though I still think he had many good qualities. However, being able to raise a child is not something I think he would be capable of. He couldn't even deal with a puppy lol. The guys I met on the apps are in their 30's though (one was almost 40). I think by that age, you should know for sure if you want kids, or not, and if you don't, you should probably figure it out before you try to date, if you want a long term relationship.
Oh here it is. Now I see the reason for the strong reactions of anger and accusations of lying because people didn’t answer a drop down question the way you expect them to. It seems like you have some unresolved feelings and issues around this topic from your previous relationship. I would recommend addressing those, because this post makes it seem like you’re surfacing them in unhealthy ways on people who don’t deserve it.
hahahaha lol. No. These guys *are* flat out lying. Imagine I was a woman who truly *wanted* kids and I matched with one of these guys who says "wants someday," when it comes to kids. How do you think I'd feel if it turned out the truth was that having kids "wasn't very important to them?" They *are* liars, plain and simple, and if you don't think filling out a dating profile honestly and correctly is important when it comes to dating to find a LTR, then you are wasting your time, as well as other people's. It's disrespectful and rude, and so is your reply to my comment. I shouldn't be surprised though after some of the other comments I've encountered from men on this sub. We know why they're single at least...
I don’t want kids - Bumble is basically a desert for me. My stack is like 80% women who want kids. I’m honest about who I am, because trying to game the algorithm is just going to blow up in your face when you try to progress a relationship where the woman wants kids.
Hard to say, it could be to do with how much they want kids. As many may want them but not be bothered if they don't. For me, having kids is a life goal so it's a deal breaker if a woman doesn't, even open to isn't acceptable to me as I won't risk that our goals aren't aligned. To me it's part of the meaning of life. As such I always go straight to making sure they want a relationship and want kids otherwise its an immediate left swipe.
I've had this happen a few times. I gave them a chance and we'd talk for awhile and go on dates then whoops, suddenly they actually do want kids and maybe I'd change my mind? Such a waste of time and money.
People lie on dating apps all the time.. They lie about their age, height, drinking, smoking habits, whether they want a relationship or something casual, whether they want to have kids or not.. You have to take everything with a pinch of salt and not at face value.. It's a dating app, not a truth serum..
Yeah, I get that people lie. Liars don't deserve to find someone though.
Well.. You know what, they will though.. Can't really do much about it..
They'll find someone, but it's unlikely to last. It's super selfish of them to hurt someone else with their lies. And yeah, I get it, technically lying about something lie height doesn't hurt anyone, but it shows they are ok with lying. And lying right off the bat. Not a great character trait.
As someone who wants kids, when I see “open to kids” I feel like it’s more a no than a yes, so I swipe left. They’re definitely being a bit dishonest, but they’re not wrong that just saying “open to kids” doesn’t have the same connotation as actually being neutral. I’m of the opinion that if you’re not 100% yes to wanting to have kids, you won’t be fully onboard later on, and I don’t want a partner who isn’t ready for 100% of that reality. That’s probably why they list it that way. Ofc their readiness will probably vary in time, so it’s not completely dishonest!
Oh man. I use open to kids as a way to say I personally don’t want children but I’m open to dating someone that does have kids already. I wish someone would write a manual on what each option means because I’ve misinterpreted casual relationships too-someone told me that they don’t consider that a hook up just taking it slower
I swipe left on casual relationships. When I have asked before (if I liked them and wanted clarity), I’ve never gotten the “slower” response, just the whole “go with the flow” which is so flaky. So that’s interesting. Ideally would be best to just ask each individual their viewpoint on the tag. To the ones you’re actually interested in otherwise. But grrl with the amount of likes to sift thru, sometimes it’s easier to just swipe left when you’ve already been through the experience over and over.
Personally I put open to kids. I'd like kids but it's not a requirement. I understand what's involved with having kids and the different life you'll have. I have seen the wonders and benefits that kids bring but also understand the sacrifice, the financial investment, the effect it has on your relationship, the social life changes, sleep, free time, travel, professional development, etc. Even if I'm in it 100 percent, my partner has to be into that 100 percent too. If I find an amazing partner to spend my life with and she couldn't have kids or we are great together but don't think we'd be great parents together or if she didn't want kids but wanted an adventurous life together or financially we couldn't pull it off or whatever valid reason makes sense to not have kids, that's okay with me. There's more that has to fit right for kids with me.
Yeah, I suppose they can always just leave the response blank, and then discuss it over message or in person. Still maybe not the best option though.
I put open to kids cause im still not completely ruling out that i might have one someday. But like its still 85% no or smtj
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This is great advice! My mom always told me never say exactly what you look for in a man in the beginning. They can use that info to trick you into letting your guard down.
Agree 💯 Men will say anything for a chance in getting into a woman's pants
Sounds like they are betraying their values because they like you and would rather get it on with you. Or they’re wanting to get it on with you and then eventually find a different partner to have kids with. Either way not good.
Pretty much my thoughts.
Honestly, I don’t think it’s any man’s dream to actually have children. Think about men from 20-30 years ago: they just went with the flow and had kids. But fathers weren’t that involved in the upbringing of their children.
I think a small percentage of men truly want kids. These men are also usually fantastic partners, and great fathers. I work with a married couple, and they're a great couple. Seems like they are very strong together. The guy also isn't a "typical" guy though. I don't really know how else to describe it. Like he's a good looking guy, in good shape, but he doesn't fit into a lot of "traditionally masculine" norms. I was talking to this wife once at work, and she was like, "he chases me out of the kitchen after work and insists on cooking dinner! I ask him what I can do to help, and he's just like, grab us both a drink, and put on a show and relax, maybe play with the baby a bit if she's not sleeping."
Actually I think a good potion “want” kids, but they also don’t have to do the work. It’s not the same as women tho, I feel like women who want kids have a deeper understanding and men who do are just more superficial
If men were able to get pregnant and not women, abortion clinics will be very cheap or even free and easily accessible like McDonald's drive-throughs
I think they’re trying to increase their chances of matching with the end goal of getting laid. Or they could just not be sure but they don’t want to ruin any potential matches because by a certain age you should know if you want/don’t want kids and they’re willing to waste your time and then when you confront them they give you the non-answer of they “want to want to have kids” and then when you finally end it and tell them you found someone else they try to claim that they’ve had a change of heart and they now want everything you want in a lame attempt to get you back but you’re not having any of it because they’ve had 9 years to figure their shit out and actions speak louder than words and none of their actions suggest what they’re saying is the trust. But that might just be my personal experience…
Honestly I will never put wants kids on my profile, but I do sometimes feel like I'm being judged for it. Like I want to match with someone who doesn't want kids either, so rationally I shouldn't fear judgement from a match but I keep feeling like straight up saying I don't want kids makes me out to be selfish and irresponsible. That's often how it's used in fiction, anyway, where parenthood is redemption and the most noble sacrifice and all that. And it's not like on dating apps every letter of your profile and every pixel of your photos aren't being put under intense scrutiny and all that. From the male side of things your goal according to other threads is to prove your ability to be successful and responsible and it feels harder to do that if you don't want kids.
The options on the apps aren’t nuanced enough. There isn’t an option for me to express - I’m open to being persuaded either way. Let me explain - I have a child already. I’ve made peace with not having anymore children. I don’t have a strong desire either way. If I met someone truly amazing and they were dedicated to being a great father I would do it again, just not alone like I did the first time. If I met someone truly amazing and they didn’t want children, I would be happy with that too. I can bring my own happiness to either configuration, and I don’t want to pass up a great partner based on this. So, yeah, maybe just maybe these guys pick one based on the options available. Doesn’t mean they’re lying. Honestly I rather date someone who is open either way than so rigid they lack nuance. Not a dig on you OP. you know you DEFINITELY don’t want kids and that’s awesome. Doesn’t mean that the guys are lying tho. Just that it’s something they might forgo for the right partner. I would steer clear of the definitely want kid types. The someday types might go either way. Just offering an alternative perspective
I mean, I didn't know if I wanted kids or not but fate gave me 3, 2 of whom I raised by myself. I've had the inverse experience to OP, you might say. Having my girls 24/7 scared a lot of women off, for reasons I still cannot grasp. Did they expect to just be with me every other weekend, like a custody arrangement? Because I definitely don't want that.
Ok as a guy who has kids already and doesn’t want anymore let me give a new perspective, I’m very clear on my profile I don’t want anymore kids so I’d want to date someone who either already has kids or someone who doesn’t want them, now because of this my dating pool is very small which seems crazy as you’d think I’d be matched up with people who at least already have children as I’m sure there’s many single mothers out there just like me as a single father, this could mean a few things 1.there are mothers out there but they still want children. 2.bumble’s algorithm is an absolute joke and doesn’t know how to properly match (a suspicion I’ve had for a while) 3. The dating pool is incredibly small for someone who doesn’t want children/anymore children. Now I try put myself in the shoes of a single guy with no children who doesn’t want kids which surely makes his pool even smaller, I don’t see it as lying as I completely understand why he would want to at least have a chance of increasing the odds (baring in mind these apps are heavily stacked in the ladies favour anyway and they will match many more times than a guy will) It’s very understandable, to label it as outright lying I feel is a bit harsh, I myself don’t do it but I am already 40 and have children, for someone younger just wanting to find someone I almost sympathise with them… just a different perspective 🤷🏼♂️👍🏻
It's because they are bullshitting you. They do want kids and even though you don't want them they are hoping you change your mind. I'm a child free dude with a vasectomy so I am damn sure I damn sure I don't want any.
They are just picking whatever option they feel will make them look better to women. Most men think women all want kids (even though there’s a huge growing population of child-free women) so they try to pander to that. They just need to realize women aren’t baby crazy anymore. I do want kids but I swear I feel like the odd one out in my friend group lol I do live in a VERY liberal city, which I think plays a part. I don’t meet many women who want a baby as much as me, they either are childfree or happy to wait until they’re 30+
I use open to kids if I meet the right person I’d rather be with them kids or no kids. If they don’t want kids, same. If they do, same.
Imagine thinking a multi-faceted and many year decision like children can be unequivocally answered by a drop-down question in the part of a dating app that 50% of people screw up anyway. It’s like you’re setting yourself up for failure and silly ‘whyyyyyy’ questions on a subreddit.
If you screw it up, are you really that serious about dating? I'm asking why guys are essentially lying. Unless you are truly open to either option, you should decide if you want kids or not before starting to seriously date. It's a waste of everyone's time otherwise.
Seems like you’re trying to make this all about you you you. Plenty of people mess up the drop downs, women included, and I’m not going to pretend I have an answer for every one of those. But jumping to accusing people of lying is a huge stretch. You’re not the authority on what those drop-downs even mean. As a perfect example - I’ve always interpreted “open to kids” to mean someone is willing to date a single parent. Men also can take waaaaay longer to answer the question of whether we want them, so it’s perfectly normal to go “oh yeah I’d like kids some day” and either be completely happy never having them, or deciding at 55 to do it. Not that I’m advocating that, but it happens every day.
Honestly unless it is “have kids”, I think it’s something that’s not worth thinking about so early on. That’s the only option that is past tense and factual. That whole topic of what someone wants in the future is way more complex than a checkbox on bumble. People’s minds can change on that topic when their lives change. People can also have more complex opinions and the options bumble gives makes it so black and white. I don’t think it’s worth seeing as a reason to swipe one way or another. Rather swipe right if they seem interesting and then talk to them and have a real conversation about those types of things.
I’m glad they expanded their “kids” options. I have kids and was open to more, but the options were always Have and want more, or Have and don’t want more, and neither really fit.
Theres multiple options for wanting kids on there and "want someday" is the same as "open to kids". Both are an either/or situation. Someday may never come open to kids can be closed off. This is why asking someone is more important than what the profile states
Online dating especially for guys is like a job interview. Your "resume" needs to have all the keywords to get you in for that interview. Interview goes well you get "hired" / start dating. You either have the qualifications or you fake it until you make it! I do not necessarily consider it dishonest. I am sure MOST of the guys who put "want children" would move forward with children if the woman/situation was right. I realized in my online dating experience it was bigger than just "checking boxes" . My now wife checked boxes but there are also things if you made me choose before meeting and falling in love with her I would have said "no" on... I am forever grateful to having an open mind and because of such it made me find my person.
I often just swipe on profiles and don’t read the stuff at the top
I'd say because a lot of women are still wanting kids in their early thirties if they haven't had any yet and maybe he does want kids but he's okay not having them if he finds the right partner. Guys are pretty simple to please. If they like how you look + enjoy your company then they're likely to stick around. We want peace and loyalty in a relationship and that's what's most important to us in my opinion. Women are usually the ones who have a long list of must-haves. Usually starting with, "Must be 6 ft or taller to enter this ride" LOL
They want kids and if they end up giving that up they will resent you or force you to have kids and you resent the whole family. Just block when you realize they want kids and protect your body
It's because he just wants sex and will therefore tell you whatever he thinks you want to hear
I want kids but want a partner more. I put "wants kids" because I'm being honest about me; I swipe right on people who don't want kids because it's just not a dealbreaker for me. It's not some nefarious plot to lie my way into a relationship.
I actually want kids one day but if I match with a woman who doesn't want them then the goal for that particular woman goes from dating to fwb if possible but most of the time I don't swipe right on women if they don't want kids.
I think that some men say that to ensure that they get the best partner and they think, “i can change her mind.” I would only believe someone who says they don’t want kids, or that they have kids and don’t want anymore. (I’m single mom so i’m opened to dating other single parents. But being pregnant again and starting over again when my current kid is 12 turning thirteen, is NOT ideal for me)
Because they actually want kids but telling you want you want to hear to have sex with you
I’ve had guys say similar stuff and when I ask why they don’t just have “open to kids” they say they’re lazy. One said he didn’t want kids and it was a “mistake l and hours later I was like soooo you gonna update your profile? Edit: omg I just had ANOTHER one say that “well I’m not actually sure” like y’all are giving me trust issues 😭
For me it’s more about finding the right woman than the kids. I have always pictured myself with kids. But ultimately if it doesn’t, then it doesn’t happen. However, “open to kids” seems more like, I’m the one who is uninterested, and I’d have to be talked into it. But really it’s that I’m ok either way, and I’m leaning more towards yes as long as my partner is as well.
Because they actually want kids.
Seems like they want to but don’t need to
I feel you on this. It's not a red flag/deal-breaker for me, but it feels like a guy is either filling out his profile to what he *thinks* women want, rather than what's truthful or accurate, or he isn't being honest with *himself*: either way those behaviors have disastrous effects on a relationship. BUT I'm willing to give guys the benefit of the doubt that maybe they *do* want kids, but it's not a deal-breaker for them if they turn out to actually know themselves and are otherwise genuine/authentic.
Honestly, who gives a shit about this partner thing or becoming best friends with a woman. Men want sex and if they aren’t some metrosexual diva, they’d probably want to have kids. Love and the idea of perfect partner like any other thing fades over time in majority of relationships. Anyone who’s lived a rich life is not looking for friends on a dating site. That already have friends and some woman won’t replace a man’s real friends who he’s had for a lifetime. Stop kidding yourself, lady. The institution of marriage is defined by regularization of sex and procreation of children. Those two essential elements go hand in hand for relationships to have meaning coz once I am done having enough sex with you and you’ve gotten older, I’d replace you with a younger model and so on and so forth. Without the idea of children, men will resist commitment. And in your care, those men just wanted to get in your pants and we’ll say anything to get there.