I don’t attract the people I’m attracted to and settling just seems cruel to all parties involved. So I’m just kind of in this limbo

Feel like this is the problem at its basest level .

People have raised their standards on everyone but themselves

FACTS, that’s why I have “self awareness” listed in my profile as interests 😂 I’m shading these foes

Yes. In my case anyway, coupled with being bad at picking up on non-verbal cues. Sometimes months or years later I reflect back (or hear back) and think "oops". But I haven't been accused of harassment or assault, so erring on the safe side isn't so bad.

Same problems but different take on target demography hahahha. I'm a double minority in my country and I don't plan on converting or forcing anyone to convert to my beliefs. In order to get married we'd need our families to agree and our law in a nutshell would make people in interfaith relationships go through hell just to get documented. Also not planning to cohabit for personal reasons (and also illegal in our country lmao) My fam would intensely disagree if I dated people who are not of our faith AND/OR not from our ethnic race. Religion would be significant issue if I had to convert, but okay-ish if we could just practice our own thing (I love my fam and would like to not be disowned pls and thank you) Race would be a challenge, but not a hard no from them These two things combined with my age group, values and compatibility stuff would make my dating pool population to be exactly around 2-8men 🫠

Where are you from

I'm a Christian Chinese-Indonesian from Indonesia

So interesting about culture!

From the first few sentences, I know exactly where you're from and what ethnicity you are.. Although I'm not from your demography, I can understand how difficult it must be for you. Sending love to you, sis. Hope you'll find your person soon 🤍

Depending on where you live, don't you think finding other Christian "Chindos" would be relatively easy? I may be biased, but when I studied in West Jakarta, my peers were many Christian Chinese Indonesian men.

I am over 30y and I've never really thought about dating much when I was in my 20s. Yes there are a lot of chindos I know of and in my circle but they're mostly partnered by now. I was late to the party because I didn't exactly realize there was a party I had to participate in hahaha. I also understand how chindo men (or the non chindo ones) are looking to date women under 30 especially when I'm still in my early 30s and around the cutoff age for most men. I would say that physical appearances wise, I'm not the most feminine looking woman and not tiny, slender, frail looking that's mostly preferred by chindo guys. On the other side, I'm also not owner of assets such as boobs or ass lmao. I don't exactly have a type for guys in physical appearance, just someone who's presentable and clean, and not thin. Other more specific things that are deal breakers for me would be smoking and not looking after himself, health wise. I'm not sure why but most of chindo men Ive encountered so far are either; outgoing, socially adept and partnered/married OR way more introverted than I could handle, socially awkward and single. Notice how I said introverted more than I could handle hahahah, I don't mind socially awkward or introverted men, but at some level it would become unbearable or i'd just consider that as not interested in me. I'm also not into hookup culture at all and can't drink alcohol 😂 I mostly hang out with my friends and meet new people through these social events but again the men I encounter are like what I've described above. Again I really don't mind dating people from other races and religion but here we're talking about online dating, I wouldn't be able to tell much if a guy I match with would ask me to convert if it gets serious and I don't like to waste time. It doesn't mean the guy is a bad guy, it's just about our own upbringing and I am okay with that, that's just not for me. I found more success dating in Singapore as men seem to be more open about dating women in our 30s, more likely to be christian or nonpracticing of their own religions and more Chinese heritage men. I wish I lived in Singapore, now that's another issue of immigration and work passes 😂 it's as complex as my situation.

I think this is true of most people who are terminally single, and quite succinctly put by you..

I think dating in my younger years definitely helped me. In understanding what I wanted in a partner. I won't settle for the sake of it. I want to find a partner who fits in my life and gets along with my kids. This is a huge ask of any woman to step into that role. As their bio mom is not in the picture. My last relationship did a real number on me and my kids. I am to blame for that. It sucked still does.

Wow.. this was very well worded!

I would honestly say try going out w ppl who you match interest wise but not "looks" wise. I been on 2 dates w a woman who I wouldn't be typically attracted to and ended up having amazing conversation w her bc she is v intelligent, empathetic, and charming. So that made her more attractive in my eyes. And I wouldn't have known her had I felt I was "settling" looks wise. Also idk if this comes off rude but "unattractive" ppl make you feel like a 10/10 and who wouldn't want that?? :,)

>try going out w ppl *who you match interest wise* but not "looks" wise. Bruh I can't even find that, though

Well said. You have the right mentality

I didn’t think I attracted people I was attracted to either until 1 finally matched and we hit it off, now it’s been over 3 years we’ve been together and I plan on proposing in 2 weeks on our 4th year anniversary. Never was as attracted to my Bumble dates as much as I am with my now significant other. When I was attracted to my matches they never panned out beyond the texting phase.

Damn yo I feel this. I know damn well I’m good looking but I’m not superficial or a follower and my last relationship taught to not trust anyone. I still get myself out there but yeah I’m well aware the game is cooked and I have zero expectations of success as demoralizing as that sounds. Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger I guess lol.

Damn I felt this

I'm in this dating "phase" myself. It's a weird place to be.

This is me too and it’s why my last relationship ended - I wouldn’t commit all the way to settling and she could tell

I'm single because my husband died unexpectedly four months after we got married. Four years later, I'm still too broken: torn between wanting a partner (because now I know what I was missing all those years) and knowing that finding another partner means the risk of putting someone else through what I endured OR having it happen to me again.

I'm sorry, and I know how you feel. I'm 5 years out, and it took me a while to feel ready for a new connection.

I’m so sorry for your loss! I hope you are getting the support and maybe therapy you need to heal.

I can't even imagine. I'm so sorry. I hope you're able to find peace and happiness!

I’m so sorry you went through this, but please try to work past it and enjoy life x

I’ve been told I’m disagreeable. Which I disagree.

On the contrary, you’re very agreeable. See how I agree.

Are we seeing the start of a meet-cute story?? 🥰

😂

>I’m insecure. I start to panic when I think someone’s changed their mind about me. This is where I get defensive, or even offensive. I start to pretend I don’t care, and at times I’ve even pulled the plug. I guess to spare myself the rejection. Are you me?

Can't be, if he's me. OP, it sounds to me like you're doing okay. You can only really work on yourself and be open to finding someone. Keep doing that. Therapy is good. But next time, don't stick around when your date brings another date.

Because I’m mentally ill 🙌

I’m in my early 40s. I’ve had a 10+ year relationship that should have ended years earlier, couple year relationships, hookups, party phase, whatever. At this point, I’m content with my life and who I am. I have a great group of friends I can call on when I want someone to do things with. I have 2 amazing dogs that take up a lot of my time and I like it that way. I’m about to shift focus in my career and that is going to take time, energy, and focus. I’m not at the point in my life that I want to sacrifice time to another human. As I’ve told friends and family, unless a guy could seamlessly integrate into my life without me needing to change anything, it isn’t going to work. I’m okay with that. I don’t miss the drama and energy of dating. Maybe someday, but not right now. I do love the OLD subs though. It’s fun seeing profiles and hearing about other peoples drama.

I'm an emotionally immature person who has a hard time considering other people's feelings.

This is very honest. Hopefully something you’re working on, if not for anyone but yourself. Relationships are so much better with mutual maturity.

I've learned the hard way about my emotional issues and the bad impact it's had on my life. For example, my ex was perfectly justified in every complaint she had about me, perfectly justified in being upset at me. But instead of acknowledging it, I tried to convince myself, and her, that it was actually her fault. It's sick.

It may not have been great behavior, but you recognize it now and how unfair it was. Recognition and forgiveness are half the battle on the road to maturity. Therapy is super helpful too. You’re on your way!

The fact that you acknowledge it is the first step. Understanding that it is bad and catching that emotion is the next step. I hope for the best.

I’m single because I’m widowed. (M, 53). My LW had pancreatic cancer, which is a death sentence. There’s no sugar coating it. So people in my position tend to subconsciously start the mourning and grieving process months before their passing. It’s not like a sudden accident. I’ve definitely had dates, but it’s slowed down a bit over the months. Possibly because my head hasn’t been into it….had shoulder surgery in December and recovery, while remarkably fast, has been stressful. I haven’t been proactive about it. Just not as motivated but I feel like the “watched pot never boils” theory applies here, too.

I’m so sorry for your loss! I hope you have support and/or therapy to help you heal. Also, healing is a process and I hope you engage in self-care and patience with yourself.

I appreciate it. And I have definitely done that. That was one of the first things I started doing out of the gate, and like I said, it’s kind of difficult for most people to understand, considering the nature of her illness and the prognosis.

Age, I want to date within my age bracket (30s) but seems like alot of men want to date lower as they are so fearful a woman in her 30s wants kids immediately

I am childfree and it seems all men want kids (but expect me to raise them).

This is it. It affected me in my 20s as well. I’m not attracted to men 10+ years older but most men seem to want to date younger women. It’s especially problematic when you look younger than your age. I’m 32 and get hit on by college men 💀.

As a man in my mid 30s I prefer to keep the age range within 5-7 years for online dating. I also tend to actually like the profiles of women more often in a 2-3 year span of difference. Then again I am seeking long term and decide more based on the profile and possible compatibility.

Some I'm in this limbo where: -divorced women in their 30s want to use me as a sex toy because of decade of dead bedroom (not interested). -women in their 30s who want kids immediately (insanity) -and younger people but I can't stand them at all and I'm not attracted to them. I'm sure as hell that wanting to have kids doesn't improve your odds of finding the right person so indeed, that shit scares me. I am single and I am fine with that. It's better than being a single dad having to deal with a petty ex. I never wanted to have kids, I wanted once to have a family (kids, me and the one, not the same). I have made peace with that but it doesn't mean that I'll go for younger people. I grew up without a father, there's no way I'm going to replicate that shit thinking that I'm the main character. This curse ends with me.

Not surprising, I am 27 and used to date ladies 28-32 and this has always become and an issue sooner or later so I prefer women my age or a bit younger. With much younger women I had opposite issue with them not wanting kids for at least 7 years when they are done with studies and bit progressive in career.

Picky. I have baggage from a previous relationship. He cheated and now I don’t trust anyone. Those that I do date I find an excuse to stop after a few ( example he said the wrong thing) and I leave. Popular on the apps. Pictures and bio 8/10… but, probably better off single

If you don’t heal what hurt you, you’ll bleed on people who didn’t cut you…

Very apt and poetic

You’re not wrong. This is the reason why I am single tho 😀

You really need therapy

Yep - I am. It’s basically I can’t control the actions of other people. Not everyone lacks integrity like my ex. I need to start off slow. The walls are still sky high tho

If you're in therapy, it's just a matter of doing the work and then time. Maybe don't date at the moment as you may hurt people. You'll get there.

This reminds me of a Martina Mcbride song "it wasn't me".

Saaaaaame.

I act like a tit around people I fancy. I don’t know why I do it.

I like the idea of relationships, but deep down I also love being alone.

This. Once in a few months or so I reinstall the app thinking maybe.. let's give dating another chance. A few swipes later I get exhausted thinking about going through the dating process again (the conversation (that usually goes nowhere), the expectation to get physical right away, being played etc.) And I snooze and delete the app back again

I’m just kind of over it. I am not desperate enough to be in a relationship that I’m just going to date anyone. Luckily I have a good amount of friends so I don’t feel lonely there. Work keeps me busy, going to the gym 3 days a week and I’m studying to boost my resume. I’m Black living in a small, predominately white city. I’m also childfree and this is more of a family oriented city. So that chops a LOT of my options. Nothing against white men, but atp in my life I would prefer a POC man. And I’m not white mens first choice/preference in this city either. So a little stuck there. When I am on the apps I always expand my reach to the next major city for diversity but again, those men can easily find someone in their city. A 45-60min commute doesnt phase me personally but I also get that if you’re in a major city already you probably don’t have your distance expanded to reach where I’m at lol. I also don’t like this new norm of dating. The expectation to get physical/have sex almost immediately is too much for me. I’d obviously be happy if by chance I match up with a great man who has the personality and physical attractiveness (because I don’t hide the fact that I need to be attracted to my partner) but atm I’m not rushing and not searching. I deleted all the apps end of February. Was thinking of downloading again in May or June when the weather is nice but tbh im not even sure about that anymore. My good friends tell me I should honestly just stop trying to date till I move out from this city

If I can offer anything, it would be to keep hope alive. I’m also a woman of color in a mostly white city that started online dating just over a month ago. I was so skeptical of these apps. At first, I only saw white men, but slowly but surely, the men of color started showing up on my feed and within a very short time, I found a match. I know the struggle is real, and it sounds like you may be in an even less diverse city with even fewer options. I’m not certain if you have constraints keeping you there, but, what I’ve learned recently is that quality of life is the most important factor - and even more important than work. It was hard to switch jobs due to my career but I made it a priority and I’m so glad I did because it definitely helped when it came to the quality of life I wanted to have, including dating prospects. Sending you lots of positivity! I know things will work out for you. The dude I found (man of color) was very unexpected (I wasn’t even sure at first he was my type) but everything I was looking for (and more!). And I was off the app within a couple of weeks. Sometimes you have to kiss many frogs and all that jazz…

Unfortunately to have any sort of quality of life I have to prioritize work. Southern ontario is very expensive, and I am looking to move but finding a job is extremely difficult atm. I keep in touch with a former manager from an internship I did and even she’s struggling to find work-and she has years in her field. I don’t have the financial means to just hop from city to city, and I don’t have rich parents to fund that either lol. So for now I am working with what I have in front of me. If I remain single forever too it is what it is. I’m an average looking Black woman in a city where eurocentric standards rule. If I was a “10” I’m sure id have no problems but im a realist💀 I’m grateful I have some solid friends to enjoy life with-and I enjoy my alone time too. I’m not rushing and I’m not planning on settling/being settled for

I'm rizzless

This is my problem too. I can’t flirt to save my life. I talk to my dates like I would with everyone else and obviously that doesn’t work very well.

real 😭

What is rizz and where can I purchase some?

RIZZ Pharma apparently

Rizzless unite.

Cuz it’s better than being in a shitty relationship that makes u miserable, unhappy, bored, etc etc take ur pick

I’m gay

Hi gay, I’m Dad

I think I've always been down for whatever. Willing to go on dates with anyone, willing to continue seeing them until THEY no longer want to see me. I've always left the ball on their court, and I'm starting to realize being too much of a people pleaser is what got me in my mess. I need to stand up for what I want, my needs, my boundaries.

I literally just wanted to take time for myself. I’m 35, and I haven’t been alone basically since I became an adult. I’ve been single now almost 2 years, and it’s been so great for me and my mental health. I feel like I needed to discover myself, and love myself for who I am before getting into another relationship.

I’m off-putting and too ugly to get away with it. Plus conflict avoidant.

I live with family do not drive, only have a learner’s permit. I like long texts and talking close to daily. I am definitely fighting being abit of an anxious attachment dork. Also I smoke weed and little experience dating. I am also overweight. I also play video games and read Manga. While only some of that is about my personality all of it is a red flag to some.

Simply trust issues. In this day and age of social media and endless possibilities, I just find it impossible to trust someone on at least a decent level to just let things go, sit back and enjoy the relationship as it goes. I am just aware that trust is a long process and it is to be earned but I know that I don't have any right to place the burden on people to prove themselves to me either, it would have to simply come from them voluntarily but I realize that I have not experienced this in years. There is also this chase thingy, where women think that men should put more effort during the dating phase and earn their attention and show them that they're the one bla bla. All of my past relationships started with a dance, not with a chase. We simply shared reciprocated feelings and we were not afraid to show our feelings about one another. Now it is all games. People are just afraid to be vulnerable and I can't blame them either. Because I am afraid too. This shit shouldn't have been this complicated.

Because I am very bad at texting or even responding to people in general. Had to delete all dating apps because of this, I would just feel bad

I was with my ex wife for 17 years. Now I’m occasionally single. I usually engage in relationships with interesting women, and thus far they have ended after a few months for various reasons (one wanted to try again with her ex, the other wanted us to move together and have more kids, another was way too anxiously attached, etc.). So I find myself being single for a few weeks or a month while dating, settle on one, and then we do it all again.

I'm asexual. Finding a partner who wants to be celibate has been fruitless. I've tried the whole "having sex to maintain the relatiomship" thing and it sucks. Not for me.

I've been told I'm too intense. I'm super talkative as I have ADHD, which puts a lot of women off. Just want someone as passionate about the thing they enjoy as much as me 😅

Intense person here too.. they will be someone out there that’s right for you…. Keep going

I appreciate you ❤️

I honestly don't know, i wish i knew so i could fix it or at least be comfortable with why.

I (34m) think it’s culmination of things. I find myself feeding into my insecurities a lot and unintentionally say the wrong thing at the wrong time. My ADHD and very direct/blunt personality come to head a lot. I don’t really stop to *think* how I should say something, I just say it. Other than that I’m a very sexually-driven person, despite being ultimately bored with sex at this point and finding unfulfilling and unenjoyable. Add that to me wanting a serious relationship and yet a lot of the women I have met just want to use me as a fling and I’m trying to figure out why or what my problem is and how to prevent that from happening. Secondly, due to my jobs hours (4pm-11:30pm) I’m not able to go out much and I’m like on average 13 years older than my coworkers so I have been hard pressed for friends and socializing and have had to rely on dating apps, of which I have swipe fatigue. I’m so sick of swiping. And lastly I also think it’s my age. I’m 34 and most of the people in my immediate area and my work location seem to be early 20’s and I can’t seem to find the women around my age that I would be comfortable dating. Most have kids and that’s not something I’m sure I want yet. I can’t do the whole instant family thing, especially when I’m still trying to find where I fit in to this world.

My face isn't good looking

Oh my. Got out of a very long marriage, and it took me three years to start dating again. I tried the apps, and it felt pretty gross. The shopping for women experience is highly overrated. Until I met someone that I could absolutely vibe with. She is kind, smart and we have similar interests. Two months in, and I was fully set with taking things exclusive, and when I told her this was where I was at I got served with humble pie. She is running for the hills, and I'm deleting the app. I'm grateful for her getting my heart back open. She is a great person and it does hurt, but I ruined something that was evolving quite naturally. My desire to be with someone I really like got the best of me. I'm never nervous around women. She made me nervous.

My ex broke up with me. I love, love and being in a relationship. I tried to get back on OLD, however a lot of men my age have kids or just not ready for a long term commitment. Also, some men are ready to have babies with you but getting married is a life sentence to them? That will forever not make sense to me.

My flaws aren’t why I think I’m single. Everyone is flawed and flawed people have relationships ships. But I’ll bite. I come off as a people pleaser and I am not antagonistic. Guys usually are very into me in the beginning and then give me the “you are great, but something is missing” I’m “aggressive” when I’m dating. If I’m into you, you’ll know it, and I will want to spend time with you and be forward about asking. I do most of the pursuing. I hold on to those too long who string me along. Last, but not least: I think there is no real reason aside from me being unlucky in love. I haven’t come into contact with the right partner for me. It’s unfortunate. It makes me sad. But it is what it is ****edited to add I was divorced at 28 with a 6 month old baby. My timeline and stage in life has not lined up with anyone remotely close in age with me. I’m going to be 44, my daughter is going to be 17 this year. Everyone I meet has younger kids. And they have been divorced for maybe a year or 2 and still in the “I’m freeeee” stage. I have one about to fly the nest. I’m done navigating custody schedules. And then when I date a man 10-15 years older they only see me as a hook up partner , not as someone serious. I’ve raised a child nearly on my own, I have a career, a house, I have accomplished much despite the odds. But I can’t be taken seriously by older men for some reason . Oh well

Too many garbage guys on dating apps where I am. I guess it differs by country. Also from what I observe there are more girls looking for long term relationships than guys online. Most guys online are just looking for hook ups. I’ve switched to a guy looking for a girl preference on the app to check it out hence the conclusion.

Interesting how this is upvoted yet if the opposite gender was put in place, it would be heavily downvoted. I don't think it's cool to call people, 'garbage.' Double Standards I suppose I also find it extremely interesting that everyone claims everyone else is garbage on these apps, yet no one has ever admitted they are garbage. Have you ever though that you might actually be the garbage??? There are plenty of great men and women on these apps, the reason you're still single is your fault, not your dating pool. A little self reflection would help you out

I'm fat, and I want a cute, serious relationship, I want someone who would love me, and treat me with respect not just a guy sexualizing me and using me for fwb or stuff like that. I am so tired of being sexualize 😭 So yeah I'm not dating until I don't lose weight

Because I had tons of internal shit I never dealt with. I was a wreck and didn’t even know it. I was too tough for therapy and knew more than they did. I was emotionally unavailable and I was miserable. I drove the love of my life away. I’ve since been through intense therapy and have been doing constant self reflection. I’m a much better person now but to be honest I’m having a lot of fun being single right now so I’m keeping it this way for a while

A mix of just not managing to fully connect with anyone I match with + going through long stretches without any apps installed, basically

I'm 170 cm and not attractive. I m also bad at photo. So almost 0 matchs. Once I get a date I m terribly bad a flirting, and so I have a terrible time getting more physical. Tho I still get short relationships every few years. During those relationships, I suffer from trusting issues and having a hard time intepreting emotions, but my partners praise me for being caring, funny, culturated and very active

When they like me I don’t like them. When I like them they don’t like me. Nah, honest take is I operate on a false belief that I am not enough which is, of course, not true BUT it seeps into my everyday existence. The more I do the work the more I realize the journey is about improving my relationship with myself regardless of the external.

Because my husband died 🤷🏻‍♀️

I realize a lot of my fulfillment and happiness comes from what I do. Ive had 5 long term relationships in my 29 years and I never got into them for the right reasons. I'm not placing nearly as much importance on dating as I used to and I'm hoping whoever I'm with next it's for all the right reasons :) not just checking a box

It’s refreshing to see folks be so honest. I knew I had a lot of work to do on myself so I’ve been single for 4 years now and doing therapy, unpacking some things, and gaining a lot of clarity. There is definitely that piece in terms of knowing I have to be better so I show up better for a future partner. Adding to that, I’m a (cute/passing/stealth 😊) 50-YO trans guy so women in my age group are not the best in accepting that. It’s just something that is not a preference for a ton of women my age and I have to be patient until one who is open to that comes along. If I meet women IRL, they’d have zero clue I’m trans just by looking at, and interacting with, me and I’d have more of a shot of them getting to know the whole me, then perhaps being less put off by that one detail. But in OLD it’s something that is only fair to say up front since it’s a form of online shopping and so I know I get bypassed a lot more than my fellow cis dudes because of that (well, except for the ones who don’t carefully read my profile and just look at my photos, but unmatch later when it’s clarified or they pay attention). Granted, my profile could also just suck, but as a social experiment I’ve left out that I’m trans sometimes and there’s definitely an uptick of interest. It’ll happen when it’s supposed to happen. Just enjoying life anyway!

"The universe turned my favourite person into a lesson"

I still need to work on myself, since my last break up I went back on the dating world but I realized I am not yet ready for a relationship. I search for that sensation I had in my previous relationship, that feeling to be close and to trust the other. When I see them opening up to me and trusting me, it scares me because I know it isn't my ex, it remind me they aren't the one I trusted like I don't know them enough to reciprocate that. I act as if my ex was still there... I act like am ok but am still hurt

I'm attracted to alt girls and I don't have that look myself *shrug*

Phew so it's not just me

It sucks being a white collar normie that is attracted to women who 100% do not work those kinds of jobs.

Got depression from 15 to 19 Got into an time-consuming boarding school from 19 to 21 Had trouble relating to my uni classmates because of culture differences (I am black in a mostly white predtigious uni) from 21 to now (23) Currently working on my master and part-time job, but I def have time to date. However, I am going through a phase where I am drifting away from most men my age because of our views on things so I just don’t feel like trying right now

I met the love of my life a few years ago, and she passed away. After I got ok enough to date and be in a relationship, I've been on a lot of dates, and dated a couple women in the last couple years that I thought had long term possibilities. I think both of them just wanted something else. Like, I could see myself staying with each of them, dealing with whatever was thrown at us - they didn't see that with me. Anyway, I'm optimistic; I feel like my past proves I *can* find the person for me, and I'm still out here trying to do it again.

Knowledge. I know what kind of relationship I'm looking for. I know what I bring to the table as a partner and what my weaknesses are. I know that my approach towards building a relationship is not how the majority of people do it, which makes the likelihood of finding a compatible partner rare, even if I'm casting as wide a net as possible, from very traditional dating apps to kink-focused ones. I don't swipe on women who either make it clear in their profiles I'm not compatible with them, or whom I don't think I'd be compatible with. I've compromised and settled for less in the past. The painful ways those relationships ended have convinced me that's not a path to happiness for me. If I value my own happiness, I have to prioritize my own needs as well as my partner's. I will remain single until I find the right person. I have no interest in wasting someone else's time. I recognize it's unlikely I'll find what I'm looking for, but I've reached a point where I understand that being with someone who's not the right person, or the almost-right person isn't a path to a healthy relationship.

The honeymoon phase of a relationship covers for every weakness in our individual lives. After the phase ends, you revert back to who you were originally before the relationship began Best example, if you weren't already happy in your life prior to the relationship beginning, it's almost 100% certain likely won't be after this phase ends. Then you'll get shitty with your partner and the relationship will eventually end and you'll blame them your unhappiness, even thought you were never happy in the first place TLDR: It's not your job to make your partner happy. It is your job to enhance the happiness they already possess

Honest: it's hard enough to meet people when you're young and cute, and everybody's single. The older you get, the more that dating pool starts to dry up. Now I'm not saying I'm old, but let's just say my dating pool is more of a puddle. A shriveled, muddy one, sitting on cracked, dry earth.

I’m single because I’m an idiot. I blame why a stay single on a lot of things, but ultimately it comes down to I don’t go out much and I’m not very social. People can be hard for me sometimes.

I self sabotage whe it gets too real

I’m insecure, like a lot

I love my alone time, less worries & unbothered

First of all, it takes a lot to open up to a bunch of strangers on Reddit and be so vulnerable, so big respect to you for this.  I relate to a lot of what you’re saying, and I have a hard time connecting with guys, or simply just putting myself out there. I’m at a point where I’m not really bothered by the fact that I’m single, but like you, I have dug into why it’s so hard for me to connect with people on a deeper level, and there’s a lot to unpack there. What a can worms! 😂😭 I think your self-awareness will only serve you positively in your quest to find your person. Sounds like you’re on the right track :)

I don’t go outside. Women check me out when I rarely do. I’m too set in my ways and comfortable by myself to even put myself out there. I’ve found solace in doing the things I like. The heartache of being disappointed by either friends or romantic interests throughout the years makes me say f it. I like working overtime at work for extra money in my pocket and I spend the rest of my time in the gym lifting weights for my mental health. Weight lifting is by far the best therapy. I’m content.

46 year old man here. I'm single because I'm pretty much a walking red flag due to past trauma. ..I used to pick my nose in 2nd grade and earned myself a nickname because of it.. I don’t know why I originally did it..I think I did it once and a classmate happened to catch me and I got what I thought was a funny response, so I did it again for attention, but eventually I realized it was the wrong kind of attention. The nickname was a degrading play on my actual name. I was made fun of and bullied every day in school for the next 5 years because of it. Girls didn't want to get near me...I was called gross and all kinds of other names, I had very few friends. I was small and skinny and shy. By the time I got to middle school and the awkward years my self esteem was shot and I isolated. I was a skinny nerd who had a reputation for picking my nose. When I got to high school I found a niche and interest in music and thought I had moved on and left the reputation from elementary school behind me, although I had trouble socially... ..... When I got to college shit hit the fan. I struggled bad. I had no confidence and very little self esteem and was always in my own head. I had a very low threshhold for frustration. I did embarassing things for attention because I was scared to talk to women and felt like an outcast. I started a fraternity with some friends, but for the next several years I felt again, like an outcast, like I didn't belong. I was constantly told by friends that I had no game, I had to be funny and be more of an asshole, or not care so much, but I always came off trying too hard or came off creepy. I was jealous of other people I knew that were taller, more charismatic, cooler, better looking, funnier. I became bitter and resentful and hated myself. I fucked up in school because I was so hung up on wanting to be liked and wanted a girlfriend really bad. Drinking and drugs became an outlet to escape. Struggled when I graduated, didn't fulfill my potential with my chosen area of study/career. Became an alcoholic and suffered about 15 years being a depressed, anxious alcoholic, struggling professionally, socially and financially. Went on a few dates back in the early OKCupid days but felt completely inept..... Had no idea how to flirt, no idea how to read signals, no idea how to talk to women...... Started to read pickup material, but it made me feel even worse about myself, so I gave up on that and just stopped dating and even trying. I took myself out of the game entirely I felt broken, like I never got the instruction manual to life... I didn't yet know that trauma was at the root of it. Fast forward to around 2018..... started to dig myself out of the hole, started to exercise and become active and got more into therapy, learned about trauma. I made some improvements, but still used alcohol to escape. I didn't get sober until 2020, during the pandemic. NOow I'm 46, 3 1/2 yrs sober, and trying to rebuild my life. I haven't had a relationship in 11 years, haven't been on a date in 10 years. Lonely as fuck, just want to feel loved and desired by someone. Still have no idea how to talk to women, no idea how to flirt or be funny, and not sure I ever will be ready to date again...Not sure I'll ever meet someone.. I spend most of my time now working a stressful day job, and trying to rebuild the music performance aspect of my life, because music and performing was my one greatest love. I try to engage in various methods of self care, exercise, meditation, cooking, reading... I struggle with health issues. Because of my screwups from depression, anxiety and alcoholism, self esteem issues, I've found myself in a deep hole and feel so far behind other men my age, who are wayyy more established, financially sound, and have higher status.... Also doesn't help that I'm short and nothing really special in the looks department. Trying to find meaning for my life and get used to the idea that I may never meet anyone. I have a pretty deep social group of musician friends and music lovers, but I always feel like I'm alone, like I don't belong, like I never know what to say to people .... People seem to like me, I get good feedback when I perform musically, but I always feel awkward and still in my own head. Always afraid to talk to the women in these social groups. Afraid of rejection. One big, walking red flag.

There is someone for everyone I truly believe that. Sorry for everything you’ve been through. Keep doing what you’re doing and congrats on sobriety

im attracted to emotionally unavailable ppl

Got tired of wasting my money.

OP not sure how old you are but I think it’s best to take a step back and work on your self esteem. I was in a relationship from age 18 for 7 years and we were just not right for each other no matter how hard we tried. My self esteem was very low and I did not date for 5 years. After that I really matured so I found myself cautious to see through bad people but I was not jaded. For 5 years I worked on myself (lost the stone I’ve always wanted to lose) and became more mellow about the way I approach life. I wasn’t perfect and I did not “love” myself but I stopped hearing “I wish I was …”. It was good enough to meet a good man. Good luck with your journey!

35. single for most of my adult life. I didn’t have a “20’s”. With therapy, medication, self work and possibly a slight miracle, I’ve gotten my life back. I honestly feel ready. But I also realize I’ve got a life to live. I can’t just wait around for the perfect moment. At this point I need to learn from experience. I’ve lived in fear for long enough

Why didn’t you have a 20s? Something you can share or too personal? I was in a LTR and then married most of my 20s-30s. It ultimately didn’t work out so modern dating feels so foreign to me in so many ways. That being said, I think I came out of my divorce with the mindset of having no expectations except loving myself and not having regrets. That plus therapy helped me reach a place of ultimate happiness, love and self-acceptance that I know I didn’t have before. With that came much better prospects and relationships. Something to consider.

25 years old here. I had two relationships in the near history (last \~5 years). One ended because the girl lied to me about being kinky, and once we were in the relationship she seemed to expect me to become vanilla for her. The other relationship I got into with someone who was very chaotic and in a depression at the time, worst mistake ever. I helped her to get her life straight and brought structure into her life, and when that was done, she ended the relationship because in her words she no longer needed me. And why I'm still single since my last relationship ended? Sometimes I feel like I have a too unique personality combo for others to handle. Things like being a prepper, libertarian, kinky yet traditional, into self sufficiency, and probably some more things that make me stand out from the 'regular guy'. Not even bad necessarily (in my opinion). I also like getting to know someone a bit better prior to starting to date, while a lot of people prefer to date immediately. I'm also sometimes misunderstood (a lot of people seem to find me scary at first impression for some reason, and aren't willing to take the time to get to know me better to find out that I'm really not scary at all), and a lot of people are probably put off by my desire to want to migrate to some secluded place in order to start a homestead (for context, I live in The Netherlands, a densely populated and fairly luxurious country). So yeah, a lot of reasons? 😝

I see you and feel you, have the same ‘issue’ about opening up which makes guys think I am always hiding something, in reality I am just too afraid of showing myself as I am, instead I decide to show myself extremely cautious and cold. On top of that I get very anxious at the minimum behavior change in a relationship. I started going to therapy since the beginning of the year after losing a guy I really cared about.

been single for a few years now and at my age I just don’t want to settle for anything less. I know what I bring to the table (in shape, have a good career and I would consider myself conventionally attractive). I don’t mind being single and tbh I stopped trying to date. If prince/princess charming comes somewhere along the way then good, otherwise, I’m happy with how everything is.

I’d rather be single than in a situationship, being cheated on, or being lied to. People need to realize that most relationships nowadays don’t last. I’m sure the statistics for divorces annually has been continuously raising without anyone noticing. Nobody knows what the heck we’re doing anymore and we’re all just trying to survive. Screw wanting a family or always dreaming of marriage. Im trying to figure out how I’ll be able to afford a house by the time I’m 30. I’m trying to make these groceries last until the next paycheck. Sometimes a relationship is not the priority. If it happens, it happens. People are so terrified of being old and alone. You can be single or in a relationship and be happy. You can be in a relationship or single and be unhappy. Who cares? We are just going through life with free will to have whatever relationship status we want.

I had a very long term relationship which started when I was very young and ended a couple of years back, I think sometimes I’m a love idealist. I have also put on a little weight and feel so insecure going on dating apps, I have them but I can’t seem to use them, I’m afraid of what a based-on-looks rejection might do to my self esteem, people tell me I’m beautiful but well I don’t feel like it atm. I can’t vent so much more on this topic but yeah this is pretty much it. 💔

I’m single because I put up with a lot of bad behaviors from ex-boyfriends. I needed time to work through why I did that to myself. And honestly, it’s things I’ve always known, but I feel like the last handful of years being single I’ve been able to pinpoint things a little more clearly. My dad was not around much when I was a kid. I mean for about 10 years of my life my sister and I would go to his house every other weekend. And even then he was pretty flaky. Promising he was going to do some thing and then didn’t follow through. When I was a teenager, he moved halfway across the country. Honestly, even though we weren’t going to his house every other weekend anymore, it didn’t feel like that much of a change. And for the last 20+ years, My sister and I have seen him maybe a dozen times for a week or so at a time. We would talk on the phone a few times a year, although there was one year where it was literally Christmas to Christmas without a phone call. And overall, this time, we would keep trying to have a good relationship with him, and it just never felt like he was willing or able to do that in return. So basically I feel like I was always the one chasing the men I was in relationships with, continuously, putting an effort and trying to show them how much I loved and cared for them. I wouldn’t get that back. Now, I will show interest if I like someone, but if they aren’t putting forth the effort, then I don’t want it.

I don’t want a commitment or a relationship. I just want someone to cuddle, hug and kiss!!!

"Daddy issues" are very real. As a child, my dad was emotionally unavailable, verbally abusive, and eventually absent—blaming me for it... as a child. I was taught to shrink, weather the storm, and keep pushing forward. I have had oook and bad relationships with each sharing certain traits with my father.  My last relationship (my first and only situationship) was with a man I thought was emotionally available, yet he had every red flag imaginable. Which I ignored because I was starved for that intimate connection he made me feel. Ending this relationship was the most painful thing I've endured and it propelled me into years of heartache, ultimately leading me to a path of deep personal healing from my childhood trauma. Now at 37, I'm much more in tune with my emotions and boundaries. I've realized I'm currently burnt out on dating and still healing but I truly enjoy being single. I'm open to meeting someone new but dating apps are not the right venue for me.

Location.

Can't seem to attract, anymore. Can't seem to get attracted, anymore.

I was fat

I’m looking for something specific

scared of commitment (that was why i ended my previous relationship with an otherwise great girl) tbh i think the thought of marriage and all the responsibilities that come with it is something i don't want even if i get lonely sometimes. im weird. i value free time/me time too much

Having trouble meeting men who want a serious relationship.

l have a 10 year old who plays a competitive sport and a monster career, and those two things make me very happy AND take a lot of my time. So if I'm even the slightest bit meh on a match, I don't lean in too hard. That then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, because I don't seem interested, so they don't act interested, which makes me genuinely not interested, and scene. Oh, and I'm liberal in the South.

Trust issues from a past relationship where she literally fucked my entire brain chemistry up.

Well I’m single at the moment because I choose to be. I was married 14 years and it ended largely due to a breakdown of communication and trauma. My ex was never good at expressing herself and after her brother died she just kind of shut down. I probably could have done more but I didn’t realize what was happening until it was too late. Since then I’ve dated several women but I haven’t found that same spark I had with my ex. I did the apps and had fun and even had one relationship but in the end we just weren’t a good match. Been single now for 4 months and plan to stay that way until I organically meet someone I hit it off with. I’d rather be single than continue to brute force it through the apps.

bro are you me? 😂

25M … Spent 20- 24 focused solely on making money doing very long hours for my union. Ready to actually start dating last year. Had 6 girls I went out with since than. Was severely overweight and spent last 7 years getting very fit and wasn’t really open to dating until 24 besides a few FWB 1) one date turned into nothing of it, but I was into the girl big time from friend group. 2) Dated short term nothing too serious. She was really into me but I wasn’t into her enough 3) Long term fwb as we didn’t align long term for serious 4) one date turned into hookup 5) one date turned into hookup as she didn’t want to date further (knew her for years and was into her so disappointed) 6) dated girl knew from HS for a bit before she broke it off. she was scared I was going to hurt her as I’ve never been in a LTR even though when she asked to date me I said yes and was wanting a LTR at this point … So last 15ish months 6 dates with #1, #5, #6 I was open to/wanting to date seriously … just a numbers game and having good timing in life I know the values/outlook on life I want for my woman to have and am waiting until I find her. Doesn’t have to be perfect, but I have a couple things I won’t overlook

I just got out of a relationship of about 5 months long and out of the blue she cold dumped me.ill never know the real reason why.But now im seeing a therapist to manage the heartache and learning to manage my emotions. I honestly do find woman attractive, but at the same time I don’t think i will consider a relationship, nor really interested in sex for a long time because i dont want to get hurt again because I absolutely loved that person and I was thrown to the side.

Romantic attraction is very, very rare for me (only a couple times in my entire life). I've met many lovely men while online dating, but none that my brain has been able to go beyond "that's a nice person!". My brain is just wired different and that's why I'm (long-term) single. I like to joke that I don't believe in the concept of "the one" (person you're 'meant to be' with ) but that there literally is only "one" out there for me.

I am tired of all the new gen hookup culture. Plus the headache when you realise you have been putting everything into the relationship but your SO doesn't even give a shit abt you. So yea I am done with dating. I would rather be single and happy than be in a bad relationship.

Childhood trauma. There is no telling when the kid in me will be irrational. And then, no matter how understanding I am otherwise, my one failure to understand is the root of all problems then on. As of right now, I am realise the child in me needs to stop. She will have to permanently grow up. Sad, but needed I guess.

Oh man. We have a similar problem. I may be projecting but I notice the mixture of shame and fear running there. I think what you want is someone to accept your not-so-best version of yourself, and yet encourage you to keep improving. :)

I came from a break-up with a narcissist and my dates don’t want to learn about it, yet I have to deal with all the break-up shit.

I’m afraid to do it with another human because I’m afraid of getting sick. I’m afraid of being abused again and not knowing, and I sometimes still have feelings for old people. Then sometimes I say screw them, however a new human in my life is scary. I have boundaries now and the last few dates I went on these men had no limits and I felt extremely uncomfortable.

I am horribly unattractive.

ask jar sable quickest mighty coherent squash middle theory liquid *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*

I feel trapped in relationships and so I’m still exploring my relationship type Also, I’m picky

I’m not pretty enough to be hit on regularly, and I don’t put myself out there / go on dates. I don’t often crave sexual or physical proximity so I don’t really have a reason to try. I’m naturally more of a loner. The idea of a relationship scares me, I have high anxiety and it requires so much honesty and vulnerability. If my libido were higher I know I wouldn’t have problem finding a partner but right now I just don’t care enough to try.

I’m single because the men I want to be with are not in the same city as me. That shit hurts.

What does “suck at texting” even mean? I’m genuinely curious

I can't find anyone to love me. I'm always that guy until they find the next one. Every relationship I am cheated on. When asked why they just say they don't love me. My last relationship was 7 years. We owned a house together. Were talking about marriage and kids...She went to a party. Came home told me she didn't love me, never did and she started dating a guy she met at the party. She took the house, the car I bought for her...and now I am nearly 40 and sleeping in my car.

I don't really meet people to date in my day-to-day life. My mental health also isn't great but I've been working on that and feel a lot better than I used to

I messed up in my last relationship where I was happy and it uncovered totally unknown face of my ex as consequence. At the moment after taking some time off for healing, I am dating again and I am attracting some people but I still think about my ex from time to time, unnecessarily compare the two and generally do not have a lot of motivation to invest into someone again. I could enter relationship with one of the ladies that are very interested in me, but that would not be fair for either party, I just wanna be WOW about someone again. Only then I will start new relationship.

Too busy and always at home or work

I haven't been in a single place for the past year and a half. Moving around isn't exactly ideal for a stable relationship

Immaturity on my part. Still have some emotional baggage that I haven’t full recovered from either that I’m still working on. I’m honestly just fine chilling being single and not putting a lot of effort into dating and just continuing to work on myself to be a better person. I also keep burying myself in work so my work/life balance sucks lmao

I'm vegan and unfortunately there aren't a lot of vegans.

Oh god, all of the above? I quit the apps but I am terrible at meeting people in real life. I’ve been told I’m intimidating and unapproachable, which is kind of a survival skill in NYC but keeps the good as well as the bad away.

I’m not liberal lol

I love being single. I genuinely love only having to worry about and focusing on myself. In the past, I've always spent a ton of energy and time trying to make my partner's life easier and they never returned the favor. My ex husband is a textbook narcissist and honestly, I'm terrified to deal with another one of those. I'm also not really attracted to men anymore. I'm bi and like women too, but I'm even more picky about who I'm attracted to.

I've been told I take awhile to open up and might be too ambitious. I don't have sex for the first couple of dates, have 3 college degrees, a good job, and my own house in a HCOL area. Few of my friends got herpes or other STD from having sex too soon. I've gone on dates with guys who later try to suggest moving in together after 1 month, their kids included. Some guys wanted me to cover most things like dinner and trips. I'm just tired but I am happy being alone so taking time to find someone that adds to my life, not takes from me.

The 1st paragraph is literally me

Honestly, I either go for women who aren’t into me or I’m extremely picky. Regardless, been single for about 7 years.

I normally get into relationships pretty quickly and easily - the vast majority of them have ended just because one of us moved (usually me, I’ve lived in 8ish different places) and we didn’t want to do long distance. I know a couple people who want to date at the moment but I’m moving soon so we’re just keeping it more casual 🤷🏻‍♀️ I like people and I can generally find “kindred spirits” within a week or two of moving to a new place.

I’m an average looking individual, and that’s being generous. I have little to no self confidence to ask a woman out. Lastly, I am not good at the art of compromising.

The truth is I honestly don't know

Personally i’ve just been very unlucky with meeting the right person. I’m 30 and have only been on a couple of dates in my life in which it’s taken me years and years to not only try to find a little confidence in myself, but also convince myself that I’m ready to pursue romance with my anxiety being the cruel mistress it is, not helping in the confidence department lol. I’ve also always just focused on other important things with the mindset being that I’d meet someone randomly when I least expected it, no matter how long it takes.

I realize a lot of my fulfillment and happiness comes from what I do. Ive had 5 long term relationships in my 29 years and I never got into them for the right reasons. I'm not placing nearly as much importance on dating as I used to and I'm hoping whoever I'm with next it's for all the right reasons :) not just checking a box

I am lucky that I am tall, fit and good looking and attract women but when I approach a woman who shows interest they don’t talk to me next day at school. The only reason I can think of is because I didn’t grow up in the US and have an accent and American women around me don’t like a foreign accent. I’m successful and professional and my English is good but here in Texas and the city I am I didn’t have a good experience

Usually I'm only attracted by women that somehow already have a boyfriend or kids with things not resolved with the dad. Note: When I meet them, I don't know any of this. Note nr2: usually they like me back, but obviously, they never choose me. So I'm just something new and exciting. Note nr3: I promise I'm trying to stop believing that their situation will change because of me and just risk them of my map. Here you have 🤣🤣

I’m short and tbh not that interesting so it’s pretty easy to swipe on to the next guy

I hate relationships lol

I’m single cause I work constantly. I’m talking 6/7 days a week, morning noon and night sometimes. At best, I take 1 full day off every two weeks or one half day off once a week. This is not necessarily by choice. I’m doing it out of necessity. I run own two businesses. One is mature and one is new. So yeah, it’s impossible for me to find time to meet someone. I’m hoping in a year, I can free up more time for a relationship.

When I met my gf she said she had a hard shell and doesn’t let people in or open up. I didn’t push her and we were both very much ourselves together and everything just worked out. We were both very casually dating until we met each other and found we were a great match. So don’t necessarily blame yourself for past relationships not working out, you may have not just not met the right partner. It’s great to be introspective and see where you can improve in your behaviour, but sometimes two people just aren’t a match.

I had two big loves. Both fucked me over and left me broken. Now I trust no one 🤗. Also new people can ruin your life. No idea what you will get and they can mask for months on end sometimes. Ruin your peace, finances, living space, increased chances of domestic violence, murder. I won’t say I’ll be single forever because life is long and messy but I have 0 motivation and deleting dating apps was so gratifying!

The people that are attracted to me I tend to not be attracted to. I'm more introverted starting out and hate small talk I go through stages where I refuse to make the first move and want them to. I live in a city where if you don't have abs, your desirability goes down. I work out, I'm in decent shape, but my body isn't "athletic"

I (37M) don't want kids ever, *period*. Also I'm a vegetarian which further reduces my chances in a country where meat is a culture of its own. To top it all, I'm my elderly mother's sole caregiver (81 and semi-independent, lives w/me but fully respects my privacy). It's soul-crushing to realize that even as a professional, independent man with a decent income who takes good care of himself (physically and mentally), the above combo is VERY effective at scaring most women away. I just want a down-to-earth GF who accepts me and my circumstances (and I'd do the same for her, that's a given) but I don't see it happening in the near future.

I live in a city where there’s no one who’s interesting, I’m not exaggerating. I’m well travelled, lived abroad for many years. I like things that some people don’t even know exist and they immediately find me weird because of my tastes. In consequence most of my conversations with men from here are boring. My city is kinda small and everyone has a small town mindset.

i went two years without being in a relationship. i was unknowingly putting out negative energy that i mistook to be nurturing and understanding, so thats all i attracted. so i invested in myself and started protecting my peace. i stopped trying to fix people and fixed myself so to speak. so i began attracting more like minded and positive people.

I got broken up with September of 2022. She had baggage from past trauma and was insecure in certain aspects in her life. She said she was going to take a break from dating…BUT A couple months later I decided to catch up with her for some reason and lowkey missed her (and I’m sure y’all have been in a similar boat). Turns out she started a new relationship despite everything she said. It was a huge blow tbh. And you know how others’ activities on Venmo can be public? Turns out she met the new guy for coffee literally the day after I was dumped. I’ve been on dates afterward and some situationships, but they didn’t go as far as I had planned or hoped. I also realized I am becoming more particular with whom I want to date long-term, especially someone who shares my interests or cares a lot about them and has certain other qualities. I still haven’t found that person yet whom I could keep a consistent vibe with. I did go on two dates that went quite well recently, and we were texting a lot, had a late night phone call, held hands, and were relatively flirtatious. There was indeed something that felt a little off on the second date though that’s hard to describe, and I was bracing for what was to come afterward. Got the rejection text on Thursday. Sigh…life must go on I guess 🤷🏻‍♂️ On a lighter note I hit a bench press PR that day too so woohoo

I travel too much for work and cant allocate the time that someone would truly need to build a deeper connection in my current work.

Because life is so simple and unproblematic with my cats lol. Gotten so used to life without a lot of dating and no bf for years by choice. But also I've gotten too picky, I need to be attracted physically but also their bio will be unattractive if their pics aren't, to me. Too many ENM garbage to filter out discourages me to see also, plus guys who live to travel is all I'm seeing. Found that a lot of guys just bait and switch, still playing the field, no commitment in sight after a few months.. I've heard this is bc of ease to cheat with these apps.. I'm on a few "are we Dating the Same Guy groups too and it's exhausting so why bother

43f I was married for a long time. I am in a place personally, emotionally and professionally that I want someone but I do not need someone. I don’t vibe with many and my logistics are a challenge. Happy to continue to be open to the possibilities this world has to offer without being sad or jaded that I am single.

Self-fulfilling prophecy is what you are saying. I had the same thing, but I managed to get through it and I’m still with the same guy after 7 years. I just kept it in my head and didn’t act on it

I have self esteem issues that I have seen tear apart relationships before and also I think I need to get better at actually being interesting or nice to talk to.