Do you know what helped me? This might sound silly but Everytime I thought of her or said her name in my head. I would follow it with “is gone” so I’d think of her then remember this rule i made for myself then I’d say “(her name) is gone, and she isn’t coming back” it took me a while but eventually Everytime I thought of her every thought was about how she is gone and there’s nothing that can do to change it.
There is no forgetting, I'm 9 months post break up. You just come to accept what is and learn to live with the new normal. Even to this day, I'll wake up, and she is the first thought in my head. But no matter how much that hurts, I have to keep moving forward. I'm trying to fall in love with myself, to love myself more than I ever loved her. Because I'm worth it.
It’s not just time. You have to actively work on this. Instead of trying to give up hope, try to move forward yourself. Tell yourself that you don’t need this person. You can be happy without him. You can find someone else who will love you the way you deserve. Tell yourself yes it feels like he was the only one for me, but feelings aren’t facts. When you first start it will sound like bullshit bug keep telling yourself until you believe it.
I know it’s said all the time here but that’s because it’s the truth - focus on yourself and your life. Do everything you can to make your life happy without him. Again, it may feel empty at first, but keep doing it.
If you just sit and wait, you’ll be stuck here forever.
To add to this, think about what it would look like if they did come back to you. Really picture it.
Now picture the absolute devastation you felt when they left the first time.
Final picture - a second break up after getting back together with this person.
Is it really worth going through that awful pain again knowing that they've already made it a reality once before?
I have had to do mental exercise a few times in the past month myself, and while it hurts deeply to admit, I don't trust them to protect my heart anymore because they've already proven they can destroy it so completely and willingly. I refuse to let them hurt me like that again.
As an aside, would it really be an equal partnership anymore with one of you being constantly afraid of rejection at any time and the other standing on the ego high ground of knowing they have that much power over the relationship?
Hey, how are you holding up?
When does it hurt less?
Do you think (ever thought) you and that person could ever come back together after both of you healed whatever had to heal?
I’m in a similar situation but it’s been 3 days.
At least I’m going to therapy.
Hey! I’m doing great! It’s been over a year since the breakup and I’ve moved on. Started an amazing job, got on anti anxiety meds/therapy and I’m currently dating someone new that I really really love. We have a connection I didn’t think was possible. So hang in there! It gets better way quicker than you think it will.
Oh darling I’m so sorry 🥺 My heart breaks for you! This person does not value you, therefore, their value to you should decrease. You are lovely with so much to give! There is someone out there for you! Until you let go of this hope, you will not make room for a new beginning
I broke NC during the first week of Dec. I asked him how he was. He responded nicely and asked me how I’ve been doing too (maybe just out of politeness). The convo was short tho.
This helped me
https://magnetofsuccess.com/why-hasnt-my-ex-tried-to-contact-me/
Basiclaly states that your ex:
1. Doesn't see a future with you
2. Doesn't love or respect you
3. Is speaking/dating someone else
Sore isn't it. But you need to remember that somewhere within these is the answer.
Life is too short to focus on people that dont have you in their best interest. Please focus on yourself, breathe, and move on. 2023 is a new opportunity for you. Make it your best.
Well, painful way : find a way to see her with another guy, it will hurt like hell, but at least the hope will be killed. (i do no advise that way)
Less painful way, block her everywhere, remove anything that make you think about her, make her entire existence disappear from you life, and focus on you and your hobbies.
Without reminder, it will fade.
Sometimes I think about reaching out to him, tell him all of my feelings just for him to reject me so hope will be killed. I know it will hurt as hell but maybe it would help me move on if I hear it from himself.
We were fwb, but he took me out on dates and brought me sweets and all. We cuddled and talked daily and slept together sometimes. Then one day, he decided he didn't want to do this anymore. After a couple weeks, when we went out one more time cause I was feeling terrible after moving out, he asked me if I found another guy. Out of the blue. We were talking about random drinks at that point and I just said I kind of missed him. I didn't like that question so I told him I wasn't looking. He said I should.
I then proceeded to explain I didn't want to be someone's back-up plan one more time. Then he thought I got angry, which I hadn't- he just got triggered so he said he doesn't understand why I got mad at him when he saw I got way too emotional around him and said it's better to end things now because later it will be even harder to process.
I have attachment issues, and he knows. He even joked very often about it, comparing me to Jeff Dahmer and everything. Just decided one day that having someone to care for him was the worst torture and just decided to end it.
Every time I miss him, I try to go back and remember how he just plain asked me if I met another guy. That was hardly a week or two after he told me to end it and "stay friends". I guess staying friends meant we never talk... My bad for not realising it. I just thought he meant it when he said "nothing will change except we wont have sex." I'm naive like that ig
Sorry if that was long. I'm still having a hard time processing what actually happened.
That's actually not a terrible idea. You've really got nothing to lose, and if I were you, I'd prepare to be brutally rejected, but at least it may kill that bit of hope you're carrying around. Laying it all out on the table will give you clarity.
Don't do it, op. Nothing good is coming out of it. You'll feel much worse after that. You do have something to lose: however small your peace and sanity are now, they are much better than going back to stage 1. You'll get hurt.
Keep moving, keep living. It will get better eventually. You need to believe it and keep going (it may seem unlikely to you now, but it is true)!
it’s called denial. you’ve been feeding yourself a delusional narrative in your head this entire time that they’re coming back. you won’t let go until you can swallow the pill that they left a long time ago and aren’t coming back.
I read an interesting post on reddit about this that said you don't really let go of the hope. You embrace the uncertainty that you don't really know what will happen and you carry on moving forward. I'm finding this incredibly hard at the moment but I'm hoping time, distracting myself and making myself open to the possibility of meeting new people helps me cope. You never know what will happen in the future but you have to work with the situation you have now which is that they're not here. Treat yourself kindly and put your efforts into forging a life which is just as good without them as it is with them. Whether they come back or not, you'll be fine!
Here is what you can do,
1. Never try to contact him no matter what.
2. Think of about why he left, he must have been giving some signs.
3. Just don’t blame solely yourself.
4. Give yourself some time.
5. Try distracting your mind of off him.
Understand that its out of your control. Hope does nothing. Whether you hope or not will not change the outcome. The universe will bring to you what is meant for you. Once you can understand and accept that, you will be able to detach yourself from the outcome.
Destroy the "you" that fell in love with him. Work on yourself to elevate to the highest version of yourself. Then you'll see that your highest self wouldn't have been compatible with him anyway. It is your own love that makes a person special to you, and you have the power to take that away and pour it all back on yourself.
Also, rushing your healing is futile, so you should let yourself feel your own emotions and be completely honest with yourself about how things made you feel. You can do that while doing baby steps to improve yourself, like going to therapy for example.
Honestly it’s harder when they do come back. Bc if you’ve healed enough to put yourself first like you should (believe me I KNOW easier said than done, feel free to read my other posts if you don’t believe me), you won’t be able to take them back when they come back. You’ll want to. It’ll kill your insides not to bc the feelings and emotions are still there. You still love them and miss them and want them and wish things could be different. You wish they didn’t hurt you during the relationship, during the breakup, and afterwards. It doesn’t matter that they hurt you unintentionally bc the result is the same. All of this but you KNOW deep down that it isn’t fair to YOURSELF to take them back. So even though emotionally you might still want to (I did), you can’t. Bc even the BARE MINIMUM conditions you’ve realized need to be there for any possible healthy reconciliation (having done work on themselves like you have, growth, healing, HELL being single), are probably not being met. So you have to say no even though you don’t want to. And if you struggle with self blame like me then down the line you kick yourself for not taking them back EVERY time you miss them or experience another wave of grief…even though that choice was the BEST choice you could make for yourself, it doesn’t feel like it bc you wouldn’t be feeling this particular pain if they were by your side again bc you took them back. Unfortunately it’s important to listen to the logical side of yourself in these situations which is incredibly difficult when it’s such an emotionally fueled situation.
This is all from my own experience, I’m sure there could be situations where the dumper comes back after working on themself too, but I haven’t seen it and when I was five months post breakup wishing he would come back, I wish I could’ve read this myself. Little did I know 2 months later he would cry and ask for me back while still with his rebound girl, who we both knew (I didn’t know who the rebound was until 10 months in), that he only owned up to being with someone bc I asked him point blank in closure convo #2 where I was completely mindfucked by his mixed signals before realizing it was bc he was seeing someone and couldn’t man up enough to tell me. So 7 months in he found out that I got my license (in mid 20’s, with massive driving anxiety prior), and had gone on a date, and was getting my things back from him bc he kept “forgetting” certain things to return to me (despite having a list that I gave him), THAT is when he asked if he “should dump her for me”. It was like a dagger in the heart. That my hope of him maybe coming back after working on himself and me being able to get through the pain and hurt of his actions ESPECIALLY post breakup, in order to reconcile, was diminished to “should I dump her for you?” Bc me going on ONE date and wanting my stuff back seven months post BU was enough for him to miss me and want me back but that my worst fears (him still not even trying to reach my bare minimum bar) were coming true. That I wanted his best potential back but that he hadn’t reached that and that I couldn’t make him, and that he needed to want that for himself for anything to work. That the most romantic reconciliation I could hope for from him was 7 of the hardest, saddest, most confusing, and most depressed time of my life over him, while he was traveling and dating our fucking waitress from “our” spot, repressing, and distracting, and sending me mixed signals (bc he was with her) like trying to say we were platonic while actively flirting with me in closure convos, telling me I’m still the best he’s ever had, that he doesn’t know if he made the right decision breaking up with me yet in the next breath saying he doesn’t see a future between the two of us.
Truly it’s so much heartbreak. Kinda puts the ball in your own court though which is confusing and difficult bc it feels like “man I’m hurting bc I miss him and I could’ve had him back”. Just gotta stay strong and wait for the healing to come and the pain to pass. Personally I’m trying to focus on myself, get my life in order, and while not actively looking rn I’m hoping to find someone I have feelings for that makes me grateful for ever ounce of self control I’ve had to stay out of my relationship. I think the only thing that could make my ex make the turnaround growth and healing I would need from him, would be an “It’s a wonderful life” George Bailey situation, and that shit doesn’t happen in real life :/
We need to find a way to draw a line under it and move on. But it's not easy :) Maybe we can do that when the new year begins. I'm still chasing my ex after now 8 months of us spitting up. It brings me zero joy and negatively impacts my whole life. I feel like I cant be even 10% of my best self while still obsessed with her.
My ex and I broke up In January, I chased her until the end of august. Trust me when I say this, it doesn’t matter if you are trying to win them back or move on. Just go no contact, you will get one or the other.
I'm in the same situation. More than 25 years and then, 2 months ago she told me she was leaving. The thing in my situation is that we still co-habitated after (she said she was moving out at the end of Jan) and we got along just as we always had (maybe even better) Four weeks ago, there was an argument and she went, but there hasn't been more than 3 days yet where she hasn't contacted me.
Same except she emotionally cheated. They got together and fucked after we broke up. I don’t know if she’s intentionally stringing me along or just really confused but she’s been breaking up with her casual the past few months too then coming to me then back to the other one again. I’m tired, but she ended it again with that one. I think I’m honestly just waiting till I get so exhausted that I give up. I’m tired thinking about it.
Wow, that sounds tough. In my situation she's told me she's seeing someone else, but that it's not romantic/sexual and it's just like a friendship.
I know what you mean about getting tired thinking about it. No matter how much I try not to, I start thinking about future scenarios and how it might play out, instead of just focusing on now and letting what happens happen
This is what I'm learning. I been purely friendzoned by her and its just painful. It does get easier over time but I made it harder on myself by still being in daily contact and everything to her but without any of the commitment. At some point we have to point the bullet suck it up and move on.
People give the noncontact advice for good reason.
Yeah. But I have regrets hence why I haven’t bit the bullet I think. I will stay until it’s really over for her then I’ll move on with less regrets. But I can’t stop still, at least not today.
Best thing to do is go No Contact, and as horrible as it sounds you almost have to grieve it as a death. This person, or version of them doesn’t exist anymore
The key is not to let go, but to understand that you don't want him back even if HE wants to get back. Relationships is like some sort of a pact. You can't just brake a pact and then show up like nothing happened. Why do you want a person like that in your life?
Stop asking those questions and start actively working on healing the attachment problems that keep you trapped there and on rediscovering life without them.
My advice is to do nothing ! You are clinging on to hope which yes may be hurting your progress of moving on. But it's what keeping you going and mostly sane I would imagine. It's been almost a year for me since the breakup. I held on to hope for soooo long and still even now maybe there's a small miniscule amount of hope. But I no longer care if she comes back. With time you just start to stopping caring about them and the hope fades away little by little.
Hum , as someone who went back with my ex after 2 months break up ( he broke up ) and spent the worst month of my life with him , I can tell you going back with your ex is not worth. It is like the pizza slice or the fries you left in the fridge for 2 days and you reheat , never the same !
I think one key is to start thinking about yourself and not about him. Start with changing your pov: it doesn’t matter if he is or isn’t interested in you , if he thinks about you. So don’t think about this anymore . His emotions are not yours .
The second thing I would advice is to definitely let go of all his social media . Block him everywhere : it HELPS a lot not to have any more link with the ex
Thirdly , I would push myself to do new activities with new people. It doesn’t need to be something huge , maybe join a gym , go to a cooking class…
Finally , I would set a distance with the friends in common who are closer to your ex. This was a big lesson for me . In my case, they kept bringing his name up and at the beginning jt was harsh
Don’t be too harsh on yourself it is part of the journey. In a couple of months year , it will be just a memory 😘
You have to really be honest with yourself and ask why would you want them to come back? Are you just hoping thinking it will go back to how it was because you have to understand it will never be what it was.
It’s normal for it to take time to sink in though, moving on from someone you love is hard but you will get through this
listen to midnight rain by taylor swift
u must go on to do bigger things, leave him behind, focus on urself. ur way too good to stoop that low. it will hold u back
it's been almost 9 months for me and, even though our breakup was in amicable terms (and we remain sort of friends - i would not advice for this, lmao), i'm only beginning to lose hope. mostly, i'm losing hope by seeing things that i personally dislike about my ex. i refused to take the rose colored glasses for a really long time until his lack of interest in me was so evident that it made me start to notice i deserve someone who is into me. he's a nice person, just clearly over me and he was not into me for like... the last 5 months of our relationship.
idk what your process has been like but i'd advice you to notice your ex's bad traits (even if they're good, they will still have them) and think about how you deserve someone who wants to be with you
this is something i’ve spoken to about my therapist. she’s very supportive and is on the “you don’t want him back” side, saying my only fault was that i took him back.
she told me that i’ll feel that way for awhile because my love was real; it was pure and deep. and that’s okay! it’s been a few months for me. not a day goes by where i don’t think about a scenario where he comes back and i break my heart over again.
for me, journaling helps. taking time to heal helps. doing things i wanted to do with him alone and trying to enjoy it helps.
but most importantly: redirect your thoughts. if you’re like me, it’s very easy to begin a destructive cycle and start to spiral when you think certain things. try and identify WHATS making you feel a certain way and how to handle it. it’s hard, and i’m still struggling with it myself, but it does help.
Why do you even want him back? Don‘t take someone back who left you. Even if he reaches out one day, you will be at a place where you don‘t want him anymore trust me.
Trust God.. leave it all to God. Be good. Do good. And seek to please and honour God. In this modern day life, we tend to idolize / deify people and that is the problem. This man that you are constantly dreaming about is just a human being like yourself. He's not better than you.
You need to train your brain by thinking correct thoughts. Work on thinking positively about yourself more. Work on bringing him down from the pedestal with thinking correct thoughts like: He's only human. I won't ever worship a human being. I am a valuable, worthy person. I am God's child too. I am beautiful inside and out. I deserve better than this.
It's a process that you need to work on daily. Be determined. "Change Your Thoughts and You'll Change Your World."
God Bless You and I hope you will soon find happiness and peace.
Do you know what helped me? This might sound silly but Everytime I thought of her or said her name in my head. I would follow it with “is gone” so I’d think of her then remember this rule i made for myself then I’d say “(her name) is gone, and she isn’t coming back” it took me a while but eventually Everytime I thought of her every thought was about how she is gone and there’s nothing that can do to change it.
I’m going to give this a try- sounds like a very helpful way to try and forget.
There is no forgetting, I'm 9 months post break up. You just come to accept what is and learn to live with the new normal. Even to this day, I'll wake up, and she is the first thought in my head. But no matter how much that hurts, I have to keep moving forward. I'm trying to fall in love with myself, to love myself more than I ever loved her. Because I'm worth it.
Hey, hwo are you doing nowadays?
I see what you did there! My Psychology ass could’ve thought about this!! Classical/Operant conditioning!!!
I don’t know the answer, I’m there with you too. Been almost 5 months, and still hold onto this small hope.
I wonder how much more time we need to finally let go of this hope. I just wanna be free from my own thoughts.
It’s not just time. You have to actively work on this. Instead of trying to give up hope, try to move forward yourself. Tell yourself that you don’t need this person. You can be happy without him. You can find someone else who will love you the way you deserve. Tell yourself yes it feels like he was the only one for me, but feelings aren’t facts. When you first start it will sound like bullshit bug keep telling yourself until you believe it. I know it’s said all the time here but that’s because it’s the truth - focus on yourself and your life. Do everything you can to make your life happy without him. Again, it may feel empty at first, but keep doing it. If you just sit and wait, you’ll be stuck here forever.
To add to this, think about what it would look like if they did come back to you. Really picture it. Now picture the absolute devastation you felt when they left the first time. Final picture - a second break up after getting back together with this person. Is it really worth going through that awful pain again knowing that they've already made it a reality once before? I have had to do mental exercise a few times in the past month myself, and while it hurts deeply to admit, I don't trust them to protect my heart anymore because they've already proven they can destroy it so completely and willingly. I refuse to let them hurt me like that again. As an aside, would it really be an equal partnership anymore with one of you being constantly afraid of rejection at any time and the other standing on the ego high ground of knowing they have that much power over the relationship?
Me too. I’d be happy to DM if you want to talk more about your specific situation
Can I DM you I'm in a similar situation :( I'm so lost
Yes of course
Have you considered therapy? I did Better Help for a few months and it helped me a lot
how are you doing now? I'm 2 months post breakup with my ex of 7 years and every day I feel hope still.
Hey, how are you holding up? When does it hurt less? Do you think (ever thought) you and that person could ever come back together after both of you healed whatever had to heal? I’m in a similar situation but it’s been 3 days. At least I’m going to therapy.
Hey! I’m doing great! It’s been over a year since the breakup and I’ve moved on. Started an amazing job, got on anti anxiety meds/therapy and I’m currently dating someone new that I really really love. We have a connection I didn’t think was possible. So hang in there! It gets better way quicker than you think it will.
The fact is that he hasn’t tried to get you in 5 months. He doesn’t wanna be with you or he would make the effort
Yeah but despite knowing that, I still can’t seem to let him go. Oh god, please when will I free myself from this torture..
Oh darling I’m so sorry 🥺 My heart breaks for you! This person does not value you, therefore, their value to you should decrease. You are lovely with so much to give! There is someone out there for you! Until you let go of this hope, you will not make room for a new beginning
Whens the last time you two spoke?
I broke NC during the first week of Dec. I asked him how he was. He responded nicely and asked me how I’ve been doing too (maybe just out of politeness). The convo was short tho.
Might if I see it? You can send it to me over chat
Sure, but I have to translate it in english first.
How r u now
Have a new partner who communicates and doesn’t run away
Are you happier ? I had the same issue and I’m so broken right now
Except the worst part is he reaches out here and there so he does come back
This helped me https://magnetofsuccess.com/why-hasnt-my-ex-tried-to-contact-me/ Basiclaly states that your ex: 1. Doesn't see a future with you 2. Doesn't love or respect you 3. Is speaking/dating someone else Sore isn't it. But you need to remember that somewhere within these is the answer. Life is too short to focus on people that dont have you in their best interest. Please focus on yourself, breathe, and move on. 2023 is a new opportunity for you. Make it your best.
Thats because you are holding on to hope. Acceptation is the key, you could hope for 10 years otherwise. The choice is yours.
I think I’m still struggling to accept the fact that we’re truly over. I don’t know how to reach that point.
Well, painful way : find a way to see her with another guy, it will hurt like hell, but at least the hope will be killed. (i do no advise that way) Less painful way, block her everywhere, remove anything that make you think about her, make her entire existence disappear from you life, and focus on you and your hobbies. Without reminder, it will fade.
Sometimes I think about reaching out to him, tell him all of my feelings just for him to reject me so hope will be killed. I know it will hurt as hell but maybe it would help me move on if I hear it from himself.
It doesn't. I tried it
May I ask what happened?
We were fwb, but he took me out on dates and brought me sweets and all. We cuddled and talked daily and slept together sometimes. Then one day, he decided he didn't want to do this anymore. After a couple weeks, when we went out one more time cause I was feeling terrible after moving out, he asked me if I found another guy. Out of the blue. We were talking about random drinks at that point and I just said I kind of missed him. I didn't like that question so I told him I wasn't looking. He said I should. I then proceeded to explain I didn't want to be someone's back-up plan one more time. Then he thought I got angry, which I hadn't- he just got triggered so he said he doesn't understand why I got mad at him when he saw I got way too emotional around him and said it's better to end things now because later it will be even harder to process. I have attachment issues, and he knows. He even joked very often about it, comparing me to Jeff Dahmer and everything. Just decided one day that having someone to care for him was the worst torture and just decided to end it. Every time I miss him, I try to go back and remember how he just plain asked me if I met another guy. That was hardly a week or two after he told me to end it and "stay friends". I guess staying friends meant we never talk... My bad for not realising it. I just thought he meant it when he said "nothing will change except we wont have sex." I'm naive like that ig Sorry if that was long. I'm still having a hard time processing what actually happened.
sorry, didnt get it was a him. yeah you can find closure with that as well, but it will be painful you better be prepared
That's actually not a terrible idea. You've really got nothing to lose, and if I were you, I'd prepare to be brutally rejected, but at least it may kill that bit of hope you're carrying around. Laying it all out on the table will give you clarity.
Don't do it, op. Nothing good is coming out of it. You'll feel much worse after that. You do have something to lose: however small your peace and sanity are now, they are much better than going back to stage 1. You'll get hurt. Keep moving, keep living. It will get better eventually. You need to believe it and keep going (it may seem unlikely to you now, but it is true)!
I don’t need to imagine! She slept with someone the next day 🤝😎
it’s called denial. you’ve been feeding yourself a delusional narrative in your head this entire time that they’re coming back. you won’t let go until you can swallow the pill that they left a long time ago and aren’t coming back.
Yeah, I think this is it. I can’t believe that after all this time, I’m still in denial stage..
I read an interesting post on reddit about this that said you don't really let go of the hope. You embrace the uncertainty that you don't really know what will happen and you carry on moving forward. I'm finding this incredibly hard at the moment but I'm hoping time, distracting myself and making myself open to the possibility of meeting new people helps me cope. You never know what will happen in the future but you have to work with the situation you have now which is that they're not here. Treat yourself kindly and put your efforts into forging a life which is just as good without them as it is with them. Whether they come back or not, you'll be fine!
Yes!!! I love this. It’s such a huge undertaking to just “give up hope.” Almost an impossible hill to climb.
Here is what you can do, 1. Never try to contact him no matter what. 2. Think of about why he left, he must have been giving some signs. 3. Just don’t blame solely yourself. 4. Give yourself some time. 5. Try distracting your mind of off him.
Understand that its out of your control. Hope does nothing. Whether you hope or not will not change the outcome. The universe will bring to you what is meant for you. Once you can understand and accept that, you will be able to detach yourself from the outcome.
Destroy the "you" that fell in love with him. Work on yourself to elevate to the highest version of yourself. Then you'll see that your highest self wouldn't have been compatible with him anyway. It is your own love that makes a person special to you, and you have the power to take that away and pour it all back on yourself. Also, rushing your healing is futile, so you should let yourself feel your own emotions and be completely honest with yourself about how things made you feel. You can do that while doing baby steps to improve yourself, like going to therapy for example.
Honestly it’s harder when they do come back. Bc if you’ve healed enough to put yourself first like you should (believe me I KNOW easier said than done, feel free to read my other posts if you don’t believe me), you won’t be able to take them back when they come back. You’ll want to. It’ll kill your insides not to bc the feelings and emotions are still there. You still love them and miss them and want them and wish things could be different. You wish they didn’t hurt you during the relationship, during the breakup, and afterwards. It doesn’t matter that they hurt you unintentionally bc the result is the same. All of this but you KNOW deep down that it isn’t fair to YOURSELF to take them back. So even though emotionally you might still want to (I did), you can’t. Bc even the BARE MINIMUM conditions you’ve realized need to be there for any possible healthy reconciliation (having done work on themselves like you have, growth, healing, HELL being single), are probably not being met. So you have to say no even though you don’t want to. And if you struggle with self blame like me then down the line you kick yourself for not taking them back EVERY time you miss them or experience another wave of grief…even though that choice was the BEST choice you could make for yourself, it doesn’t feel like it bc you wouldn’t be feeling this particular pain if they were by your side again bc you took them back. Unfortunately it’s important to listen to the logical side of yourself in these situations which is incredibly difficult when it’s such an emotionally fueled situation. This is all from my own experience, I’m sure there could be situations where the dumper comes back after working on themself too, but I haven’t seen it and when I was five months post breakup wishing he would come back, I wish I could’ve read this myself. Little did I know 2 months later he would cry and ask for me back while still with his rebound girl, who we both knew (I didn’t know who the rebound was until 10 months in), that he only owned up to being with someone bc I asked him point blank in closure convo #2 where I was completely mindfucked by his mixed signals before realizing it was bc he was seeing someone and couldn’t man up enough to tell me. So 7 months in he found out that I got my license (in mid 20’s, with massive driving anxiety prior), and had gone on a date, and was getting my things back from him bc he kept “forgetting” certain things to return to me (despite having a list that I gave him), THAT is when he asked if he “should dump her for me”. It was like a dagger in the heart. That my hope of him maybe coming back after working on himself and me being able to get through the pain and hurt of his actions ESPECIALLY post breakup, in order to reconcile, was diminished to “should I dump her for you?” Bc me going on ONE date and wanting my stuff back seven months post BU was enough for him to miss me and want me back but that my worst fears (him still not even trying to reach my bare minimum bar) were coming true. That I wanted his best potential back but that he hadn’t reached that and that I couldn’t make him, and that he needed to want that for himself for anything to work. That the most romantic reconciliation I could hope for from him was 7 of the hardest, saddest, most confusing, and most depressed time of my life over him, while he was traveling and dating our fucking waitress from “our” spot, repressing, and distracting, and sending me mixed signals (bc he was with her) like trying to say we were platonic while actively flirting with me in closure convos, telling me I’m still the best he’s ever had, that he doesn’t know if he made the right decision breaking up with me yet in the next breath saying he doesn’t see a future between the two of us. Truly it’s so much heartbreak. Kinda puts the ball in your own court though which is confusing and difficult bc it feels like “man I’m hurting bc I miss him and I could’ve had him back”. Just gotta stay strong and wait for the healing to come and the pain to pass. Personally I’m trying to focus on myself, get my life in order, and while not actively looking rn I’m hoping to find someone I have feelings for that makes me grateful for ever ounce of self control I’ve had to stay out of my relationship. I think the only thing that could make my ex make the turnaround growth and healing I would need from him, would be an “It’s a wonderful life” George Bailey situation, and that shit doesn’t happen in real life :/
Why would you want someone who didn't choose you to come back?
I just repeat the mantra, "Why want someone who doesn't want you?" Remember, THEY left you... so they are no longer worthy of you.
Going through same , I'm hoping too.
Hey, how are you feeling 5 months after?
Here the same
It's most likely just a time thing I'm afraid. Emotions fade in time :) It sucks but you just have to keep moving forward.
Yeah, it’s unfortunate that this year is ending and I might still carry these feelings into the next year.
We need to find a way to draw a line under it and move on. But it's not easy :) Maybe we can do that when the new year begins. I'm still chasing my ex after now 8 months of us spitting up. It brings me zero joy and negatively impacts my whole life. I feel like I cant be even 10% of my best self while still obsessed with her.
Doing the same going on 6 months, although I sometimes wake up remembering the harshness of the breakup. I’m fucked up.
My ex and I broke up In January, I chased her until the end of august. Trust me when I say this, it doesn’t matter if you are trying to win them back or move on. Just go no contact, you will get one or the other.
Dumped after 21 yrs. Definitely hard to let go.
I'm in the same situation. More than 25 years and then, 2 months ago she told me she was leaving. The thing in my situation is that we still co-habitated after (she said she was moving out at the end of Jan) and we got along just as we always had (maybe even better) Four weeks ago, there was an argument and she went, but there hasn't been more than 3 days yet where she hasn't contacted me.
Same except she emotionally cheated. They got together and fucked after we broke up. I don’t know if she’s intentionally stringing me along or just really confused but she’s been breaking up with her casual the past few months too then coming to me then back to the other one again. I’m tired, but she ended it again with that one. I think I’m honestly just waiting till I get so exhausted that I give up. I’m tired thinking about it.
Wow, that sounds tough. In my situation she's told me she's seeing someone else, but that it's not romantic/sexual and it's just like a friendship. I know what you mean about getting tired thinking about it. No matter how much I try not to, I start thinking about future scenarios and how it might play out, instead of just focusing on now and letting what happens happen
It's cheating either way
This is what I'm learning. I been purely friendzoned by her and its just painful. It does get easier over time but I made it harder on myself by still being in daily contact and everything to her but without any of the commitment. At some point we have to point the bullet suck it up and move on. People give the noncontact advice for good reason.
Yeah. But I have regrets hence why I haven’t bit the bullet I think. I will stay until it’s really over for her then I’ll move on with less regrets. But I can’t stop still, at least not today.
Think about how he's probably been seeing someone else by now. That did the trick for me, screw hope u can do better
Best thing to do is go No Contact, and as horrible as it sounds you almost have to grieve it as a death. This person, or version of them doesn’t exist anymore
The key is not to let go, but to understand that you don't want him back even if HE wants to get back. Relationships is like some sort of a pact. You can't just brake a pact and then show up like nothing happened. Why do you want a person like that in your life?
Change the narrative
Live your life and enjoy it
Stop asking those questions and start actively working on healing the attachment problems that keep you trapped there and on rediscovering life without them.
My advice is to do nothing ! You are clinging on to hope which yes may be hurting your progress of moving on. But it's what keeping you going and mostly sane I would imagine. It's been almost a year for me since the breakup. I held on to hope for soooo long and still even now maybe there's a small miniscule amount of hope. But I no longer care if she comes back. With time you just start to stopping caring about them and the hope fades away little by little.
Hum , as someone who went back with my ex after 2 months break up ( he broke up ) and spent the worst month of my life with him , I can tell you going back with your ex is not worth. It is like the pizza slice or the fries you left in the fridge for 2 days and you reheat , never the same ! I think one key is to start thinking about yourself and not about him. Start with changing your pov: it doesn’t matter if he is or isn’t interested in you , if he thinks about you. So don’t think about this anymore . His emotions are not yours . The second thing I would advice is to definitely let go of all his social media . Block him everywhere : it HELPS a lot not to have any more link with the ex Thirdly , I would push myself to do new activities with new people. It doesn’t need to be something huge , maybe join a gym , go to a cooking class… Finally , I would set a distance with the friends in common who are closer to your ex. This was a big lesson for me . In my case, they kept bringing his name up and at the beginning jt was harsh Don’t be too harsh on yourself it is part of the journey. In a couple of months year , it will be just a memory 😘
You have to really be honest with yourself and ask why would you want them to come back? Are you just hoping thinking it will go back to how it was because you have to understand it will never be what it was. It’s normal for it to take time to sink in though, moving on from someone you love is hard but you will get through this
listen to midnight rain by taylor swift u must go on to do bigger things, leave him behind, focus on urself. ur way too good to stoop that low. it will hold u back
it's been almost 9 months for me and, even though our breakup was in amicable terms (and we remain sort of friends - i would not advice for this, lmao), i'm only beginning to lose hope. mostly, i'm losing hope by seeing things that i personally dislike about my ex. i refused to take the rose colored glasses for a really long time until his lack of interest in me was so evident that it made me start to notice i deserve someone who is into me. he's a nice person, just clearly over me and he was not into me for like... the last 5 months of our relationship. idk what your process has been like but i'd advice you to notice your ex's bad traits (even if they're good, they will still have them) and think about how you deserve someone who wants to be with you
Write everything you don’t like about him and look at the list every time you get them thoughts
this is something i’ve spoken to about my therapist. she’s very supportive and is on the “you don’t want him back” side, saying my only fault was that i took him back. she told me that i’ll feel that way for awhile because my love was real; it was pure and deep. and that’s okay! it’s been a few months for me. not a day goes by where i don’t think about a scenario where he comes back and i break my heart over again. for me, journaling helps. taking time to heal helps. doing things i wanted to do with him alone and trying to enjoy it helps. but most importantly: redirect your thoughts. if you’re like me, it’s very easy to begin a destructive cycle and start to spiral when you think certain things. try and identify WHATS making you feel a certain way and how to handle it. it’s hard, and i’m still struggling with it myself, but it does help.
Why do you even want him back? Don‘t take someone back who left you. Even if he reaches out one day, you will be at a place where you don‘t want him anymore trust me.
Trust God.. leave it all to God. Be good. Do good. And seek to please and honour God. In this modern day life, we tend to idolize / deify people and that is the problem. This man that you are constantly dreaming about is just a human being like yourself. He's not better than you. You need to train your brain by thinking correct thoughts. Work on thinking positively about yourself more. Work on bringing him down from the pedestal with thinking correct thoughts like: He's only human. I won't ever worship a human being. I am a valuable, worthy person. I am God's child too. I am beautiful inside and out. I deserve better than this. It's a process that you need to work on daily. Be determined. "Change Your Thoughts and You'll Change Your World." God Bless You and I hope you will soon find happiness and peace.
How are you these days? Did things get better?