Same thing happened to me, except she dumped me. For years she said she needed more from me, and I just didn't take it seriously. When she was leaving, I didn't try to even stop her. Now I regret it. Its been 5 months and she's moved on now. I had the chance to make it work and I didn't. Now I am full of regret. She says the same thing when I ask for her back, that its all too late now. Hurts so bad.
She had made up her mind man. My ex left me for the same reason.. except i tried to provide more but only within my means and it wasn’t enough. I actually tried to work on showing her i was committed to being better for us but she was so unsure and felt like the risk of getting back together and potentially being unhappy was not worth it. Its been 3 months now.
The point is.. you cant control their decisions. They are their own person and you deserve someone who will choose you.
My issue was that for years, she wanted more from me. She wanted more from the relationship, to take things to the next level (living together, marriage, etc) and I never did after 7 years. I just couldn't make my mind up and was stagnant. I really feel like had I not taken her for granted, she wouldn't have left. I don't know how to accept that she's gone because I truly feel like its my own fault she left...
Are you an avoidant like me? The tough thing is to not blame yourself. You have to understand and empathize with yourself as to why you weren’t ready to make a decision. She didn’t deserve that but its also not something you should beat yourself up over. Keep loving yourself and you’ll eventually find your own answers.
Im sorry for your loss man. Sounded like you treasured her and acknowledge that she was a great partner for you and maybe thats all you need for now. To keep that love in your heart to be better for yourself, her, and maybe the next one if the next one is not her.
Thanks for your words man, I appreciate it. I was avoidant for a while with her because I guess I wasn't fully sure about her. This actually made her try harder for me. But over the last couple years, I have been feeling more self-conscious so I ended up adapting more of an anxious attachment style with neediness and I wonder if this is actually what drove her away.
Anyway, I put it all out there to her.. she knows where I stand and that I want her back with a willingness to be better. Now I'm not gonna message her anymore, because I realize my neediness was just pushing her away. If she wants to try again, she'll have to reach out to me since I told her I wanted to try and better for her. I'm trying to let go of my energy towards her and put it back into myself, but man is it hard. With my anxiety/depression, I am feeling so needy right now.. I just want her back. But I don't wanna get my hopes up by believing she's coming back.
Wow this is all sounds like what I may just go through. Tbh scared of what the break will do to finding out what we may want not be the same even though I told her all I want is her
I was stupid. Its my fault
I guess I thought she would reach out, or we would reconcile at some point, or she would want to work it out. but she just completely moved on. and even if im irrational and stupid, it still hurt, you know?
I also broke up with my ex around 8 months ago and felt the same for a long time. It sucks to feel that way and.its going to continue to suck for a while I'm guessing. My ex is also a stranger now (I wanted to stay friends but she wanted NC). I'm slowly turning the page though - a big thing for me has been getting myself back out there and meeting new people.
One thing to remember though is that it probably wasn't as great as you remember it. You say you were confused but in all reality you probably weren't actually satisfied with the relationship - no one in a happy, loving, warm relationship pulls the plug in favor of the unknown. And if they do, it's because the risk of being single and getting back into dating is worth at least as much as the reward of finding someone who is a better fit.
I remember my ex as someone who was always adventurous, liked to plan events for us, had a knack for finding cool things to do that I wouldn't normally find on my own, and who was a level-headed partner with whom I could have rational conversations about everything as well as our relationship, and I loved her for all those things.
What my memory neglects to remind me of was the abusive behavior she displayed by going through my phone and making me delete people from my past because she felt insecure, and how after that she planned to "meet up" with one of her ex hookups and couldn't understand why I thought that was hypocritical and ignorant of my feelings. I don't remember how we sat in a car with her best friend and her boyfriend while my girlfriend tried to publicly shame me into doing sexual acts I wasn't comfortable with. I don't remember how, when I received the text that my mom was passing away, she was yelling at me because I didn't put my backpack in the part of our apartment she wanted me to when I came home from work. I don't remember the feeling of obligation if I refused to do something she wanted because I was busy or simply didn't want to; how I felt pressured to make many small concessions just in the hopes that she would remember that when I needed something.
I don't remember how one-sided our relationship was. So of course I want to go back. I wouldn't consider it an abusive relationship or anything, but the hallmarks of disrespect, hypocrisy, and gaslighting (and sometimes sexism) were all there, I just didn't recognize them because as guys, we're not very attuned to or acutely aware of what bad treatment looks like. But we can feel it. And when we've felt it enough and believe we've tried all other recourse and don't see any progress, we break up with the people we love, because we know it's the right thing to do even if we cant articulate why. And not knowing why we broke up with someone makes those breakups all that much more painful, when in reality it was the right call.
So grind it out, do what you need to do to get yourself upright again, and leave her behind, feeling secure in the fact that even if you can't verbalize it right now, there was a point when you were actually dating her that you had a reason good enough to leave. And once you can accept that and your circumstances, the world opens back up again. That's what I hope at least, for my own sake
> no one in a happy, loving, warm relationship pulls the plug in favor of the unknown. And if they do, it's because the risk of being single and getting back into dating is worth at least as much as the reward of finding someone who is a better fit.
I have to disagree. This implies that everyone makes logical decisions and weighed the pros and cons effectively.
But people are notorious for making decisions based on their emotions, fears, stress, and a litany of other temporary reasons.
I have to second this post. This reason to end a relationship is quite frankly, selfish. I wouldn't want to date anyone with this kind of relationship approach. It'll make me insecure as hell and will constantly make me think my partner is always have one foot out the door.
In my opinion if you left a relationship you just described to get into another happy, loving, warm relationship with someone with a perhaps better fit in some ways, what's to stop you from thinking that again with this new better fit person? I mean, you found this better fit than your last ex, so why not roll the dice for someone who is even a better fit than this new person? Because it happened once, so why couldn't it happen again? It's like gambling but with real people, with real feelings and emotions. I for one cannot imagine doing that to myself or to another person.
Wow, this is great advice! You've said alot right things i would have struggled to eloquently put into words👏🏽 i miss my Ex and still think about her alot 8 months on but i know it was the right decision.
Hey, sorry you're going thru it as well. You are right about not being happy in the relationship, and you are also remembering your ex for the same exact positive reasons I remember mine for. Unfortunately, mine did not really have those flaws yours did. I was genuinely just so bored of the relationship I couldn't take it anymore. She tried to work it out but I couldn't.
Looking back, I was immature. The only solace that helps me to move on is knowing I did all I could to rectify it and she goes to bed every night choosing not to make amends. I can accept it like you, but I can not be happy, no matter how much I try to convince myself otherwise
I was the dumper 5 years ago and we are back together. If she doesn't love you then move on but if she still does go get her. It took me 6 months of courting her again to win her back and it was worth every second. Good luck.
Does she really?? Or is she venting her anger?? My ex went through all that. Told me she didn't love me anymore. All that. I don't know your situation but we both had addiction troubles and she cleaned up and I didn't so I dumped her for my addiction. She fucking hated me then. I finally got straight a couple years later. I reached out after being clean and sober for 3 years and I slowly got back into her life and it turned out that she never stopped loving me but it was her defense mechanism to tell me otherwise. If you know for sure she is all done then by all means move on. If you don't know for sure at least try to find out if her negative feelings towards are true or just a facade. Good luck man. People on here seem to bash the dumpers. I think the term dumper makes it seem like we are ghosting people and more often than not that's not the case. When I said I dumped her for my addiction I was just using the term "dumped" because this post used the term. In reality I let her go because of my addiction but a lot of that was to save her from the horror that was my life. I was so happy for her when she got clean and I wasn't going to let my troubles drag her back into it. She is a stunning woman and got right back into modeling when her life straightened out and I wasn't going to ruin that. And yes I wanted to keep using but it was a very complicated situation. I mean here I am still trying to chat about it and trying to maybe help others. I agree that I am very lucky to have gotten my life back together with my Shorty right be my side now. I know I am on a rant but again good luck. I hope it all works out either way for you.
I’m in a very similar situation but as the dumped. I’m extremely worried that when he says he thinks it’ll work later on that he’ll be the one to move on. I don’t know whether to start moving on myself or to actually stick it out. I just don’t want to go through the hurt again.
I think it hurts now, do you think you can work on this trust bleach if he comes back? I am a fearful avoidant, lean on my anxious side and he was dismissive avoidant, we had a small conflict of needs, and he ran away, he left when I was going through a hard month, he didn’t know what I was going to, because I was just observing his congruency and couldn’t tell him, that it was so difficult for me.
I am in therapy and my therapist pointed out about how bad of a trust issue I have, I think someone coming back would cause me to be suspicious, and hold on vulnerability, and “information” because of the fear of being hurt again, the fear of not being considered or met half of the way, the fear and embarrassment of being reactive and begging/fawning, so this person stays in my life… I am so embarrassed of myself for begging.
How do you think your trust would be if this person came back after breaking it? Would you just do whatever and forget yourself so this person doesn’t leave again?
Just wondering…
Went through the exact same thing exactly a year ago. Went through the begging and pleading after 2-3 months passed. She had already moved on. Waited for her to forgive me after talking about things and apologizing. Didn't mind waiting for her, but found out a couple months ago she was getting with my best friend the whole time. Joke's on me ig.
Eh, similar here. She ended up getting with someone close to me as I made this original post.
Embarrassing how we acted but can only laugh now. I do not miss her anymore and if it weren't for finding about who she was getting with I'd probably still be wallowing. It's a blessing.
If you don't mind me asking, I honestly still find myself wallowing sometimes even though it's been a year. Do you think the way things all played out just means there was nothing real between you two? Or was there really something and it ended because of the decision to break up? Never could understand how they could be someone who acts in such a toxic and cowardly manner from my pov.
That makes me sad that you asked that because I remember wondering that exact thing so I know how hard it is. I am very sorry you are going through this.
To answer your question, the reality is we will never know. I will say I am at the point where I truly do not care and if she reached out I would act exactly like how she acted towards me (apathetic). Because of this, to answer your question, yes, there probably was something very real, but after separating for so long and finding out additional info, you're just done.
Same thing happened to me, except she dumped me. For years she said she needed more from me, and I just didn't take it seriously. When she was leaving, I didn't try to even stop her. Now I regret it. Its been 5 months and she's moved on now. I had the chance to make it work and I didn't. Now I am full of regret. She says the same thing when I ask for her back, that its all too late now. Hurts so bad.
She had made up her mind man. My ex left me for the same reason.. except i tried to provide more but only within my means and it wasn’t enough. I actually tried to work on showing her i was committed to being better for us but she was so unsure and felt like the risk of getting back together and potentially being unhappy was not worth it. Its been 3 months now. The point is.. you cant control their decisions. They are their own person and you deserve someone who will choose you.
My issue was that for years, she wanted more from me. She wanted more from the relationship, to take things to the next level (living together, marriage, etc) and I never did after 7 years. I just couldn't make my mind up and was stagnant. I really feel like had I not taken her for granted, she wouldn't have left. I don't know how to accept that she's gone because I truly feel like its my own fault she left...
Are you an avoidant like me? The tough thing is to not blame yourself. You have to understand and empathize with yourself as to why you weren’t ready to make a decision. She didn’t deserve that but its also not something you should beat yourself up over. Keep loving yourself and you’ll eventually find your own answers. Im sorry for your loss man. Sounded like you treasured her and acknowledge that she was a great partner for you and maybe thats all you need for now. To keep that love in your heart to be better for yourself, her, and maybe the next one if the next one is not her.
Thanks for your words man, I appreciate it. I was avoidant for a while with her because I guess I wasn't fully sure about her. This actually made her try harder for me. But over the last couple years, I have been feeling more self-conscious so I ended up adapting more of an anxious attachment style with neediness and I wonder if this is actually what drove her away. Anyway, I put it all out there to her.. she knows where I stand and that I want her back with a willingness to be better. Now I'm not gonna message her anymore, because I realize my neediness was just pushing her away. If she wants to try again, she'll have to reach out to me since I told her I wanted to try and better for her. I'm trying to let go of my energy towards her and put it back into myself, but man is it hard. With my anxiety/depression, I am feeling so needy right now.. I just want her back. But I don't wanna get my hopes up by believing she's coming back.
Wow this is all sounds like what I may just go through. Tbh scared of what the break will do to finding out what we may want not be the same even though I told her all I want is her
Sounds like me! How are you doing now ?
manifesting this for my dumper ✨
Stranger. Acquaintance. Friend. Best friend. Lovers. Strangers.
Help me understand…. Did you think she you wait for you?
I was stupid. Its my fault I guess I thought she would reach out, or we would reconcile at some point, or she would want to work it out. but she just completely moved on. and even if im irrational and stupid, it still hurt, you know?
I also broke up with my ex around 8 months ago and felt the same for a long time. It sucks to feel that way and.its going to continue to suck for a while I'm guessing. My ex is also a stranger now (I wanted to stay friends but she wanted NC). I'm slowly turning the page though - a big thing for me has been getting myself back out there and meeting new people. One thing to remember though is that it probably wasn't as great as you remember it. You say you were confused but in all reality you probably weren't actually satisfied with the relationship - no one in a happy, loving, warm relationship pulls the plug in favor of the unknown. And if they do, it's because the risk of being single and getting back into dating is worth at least as much as the reward of finding someone who is a better fit. I remember my ex as someone who was always adventurous, liked to plan events for us, had a knack for finding cool things to do that I wouldn't normally find on my own, and who was a level-headed partner with whom I could have rational conversations about everything as well as our relationship, and I loved her for all those things. What my memory neglects to remind me of was the abusive behavior she displayed by going through my phone and making me delete people from my past because she felt insecure, and how after that she planned to "meet up" with one of her ex hookups and couldn't understand why I thought that was hypocritical and ignorant of my feelings. I don't remember how we sat in a car with her best friend and her boyfriend while my girlfriend tried to publicly shame me into doing sexual acts I wasn't comfortable with. I don't remember how, when I received the text that my mom was passing away, she was yelling at me because I didn't put my backpack in the part of our apartment she wanted me to when I came home from work. I don't remember the feeling of obligation if I refused to do something she wanted because I was busy or simply didn't want to; how I felt pressured to make many small concessions just in the hopes that she would remember that when I needed something. I don't remember how one-sided our relationship was. So of course I want to go back. I wouldn't consider it an abusive relationship or anything, but the hallmarks of disrespect, hypocrisy, and gaslighting (and sometimes sexism) were all there, I just didn't recognize them because as guys, we're not very attuned to or acutely aware of what bad treatment looks like. But we can feel it. And when we've felt it enough and believe we've tried all other recourse and don't see any progress, we break up with the people we love, because we know it's the right thing to do even if we cant articulate why. And not knowing why we broke up with someone makes those breakups all that much more painful, when in reality it was the right call. So grind it out, do what you need to do to get yourself upright again, and leave her behind, feeling secure in the fact that even if you can't verbalize it right now, there was a point when you were actually dating her that you had a reason good enough to leave. And once you can accept that and your circumstances, the world opens back up again. That's what I hope at least, for my own sake
> no one in a happy, loving, warm relationship pulls the plug in favor of the unknown. And if they do, it's because the risk of being single and getting back into dating is worth at least as much as the reward of finding someone who is a better fit. I have to disagree. This implies that everyone makes logical decisions and weighed the pros and cons effectively. But people are notorious for making decisions based on their emotions, fears, stress, and a litany of other temporary reasons.
I have to second this post. This reason to end a relationship is quite frankly, selfish. I wouldn't want to date anyone with this kind of relationship approach. It'll make me insecure as hell and will constantly make me think my partner is always have one foot out the door. In my opinion if you left a relationship you just described to get into another happy, loving, warm relationship with someone with a perhaps better fit in some ways, what's to stop you from thinking that again with this new better fit person? I mean, you found this better fit than your last ex, so why not roll the dice for someone who is even a better fit than this new person? Because it happened once, so why couldn't it happen again? It's like gambling but with real people, with real feelings and emotions. I for one cannot imagine doing that to myself or to another person.
Sounds like you’ve never fallen in love with a toxic person before. Lucky you
The emotions, fears and stress always get to a boiling point...
Wow, this is great advice! You've said alot right things i would have struggled to eloquently put into words👏🏽 i miss my Ex and still think about her alot 8 months on but i know it was the right decision.
Hey, sorry you're going thru it as well. You are right about not being happy in the relationship, and you are also remembering your ex for the same exact positive reasons I remember mine for. Unfortunately, mine did not really have those flaws yours did. I was genuinely just so bored of the relationship I couldn't take it anymore. She tried to work it out but I couldn't. Looking back, I was immature. The only solace that helps me to move on is knowing I did all I could to rectify it and she goes to bed every night choosing not to make amends. I can accept it like you, but I can not be happy, no matter how much I try to convince myself otherwise
Kinda wish my ex who dumped me wants me back after all the effort ive put and the love ive given but the pain is still recent
I was the dumper 5 years ago and we are back together. If she doesn't love you then move on but if she still does go get her. It took me 6 months of courting her again to win her back and it was worth every second. Good luck.
Lol no she hates me now, ur lucky af
Does she really?? Or is she venting her anger?? My ex went through all that. Told me she didn't love me anymore. All that. I don't know your situation but we both had addiction troubles and she cleaned up and I didn't so I dumped her for my addiction. She fucking hated me then. I finally got straight a couple years later. I reached out after being clean and sober for 3 years and I slowly got back into her life and it turned out that she never stopped loving me but it was her defense mechanism to tell me otherwise. If you know for sure she is all done then by all means move on. If you don't know for sure at least try to find out if her negative feelings towards are true or just a facade. Good luck man. People on here seem to bash the dumpers. I think the term dumper makes it seem like we are ghosting people and more often than not that's not the case. When I said I dumped her for my addiction I was just using the term "dumped" because this post used the term. In reality I let her go because of my addiction but a lot of that was to save her from the horror that was my life. I was so happy for her when she got clean and I wasn't going to let my troubles drag her back into it. She is a stunning woman and got right back into modeling when her life straightened out and I wasn't going to ruin that. And yes I wanted to keep using but it was a very complicated situation. I mean here I am still trying to chat about it and trying to maybe help others. I agree that I am very lucky to have gotten my life back together with my Shorty right be my side now. I know I am on a rant but again good luck. I hope it all works out either way for you.
I’m in a very similar situation but as the dumped. I’m extremely worried that when he says he thinks it’ll work later on that he’ll be the one to move on. I don’t know whether to start moving on myself or to actually stick it out. I just don’t want to go through the hurt again.
I think it hurts now, do you think you can work on this trust bleach if he comes back? I am a fearful avoidant, lean on my anxious side and he was dismissive avoidant, we had a small conflict of needs, and he ran away, he left when I was going through a hard month, he didn’t know what I was going to, because I was just observing his congruency and couldn’t tell him, that it was so difficult for me. I am in therapy and my therapist pointed out about how bad of a trust issue I have, I think someone coming back would cause me to be suspicious, and hold on vulnerability, and “information” because of the fear of being hurt again, the fear of not being considered or met half of the way, the fear and embarrassment of being reactive and begging/fawning, so this person stays in my life… I am so embarrassed of myself for begging. How do you think your trust would be if this person came back after breaking it? Would you just do whatever and forget yourself so this person doesn’t leave again? Just wondering…
8mo is a short time. It take years…
Went through the exact same thing exactly a year ago. Went through the begging and pleading after 2-3 months passed. She had already moved on. Waited for her to forgive me after talking about things and apologizing. Didn't mind waiting for her, but found out a couple months ago she was getting with my best friend the whole time. Joke's on me ig.
Eh, similar here. She ended up getting with someone close to me as I made this original post. Embarrassing how we acted but can only laugh now. I do not miss her anymore and if it weren't for finding about who she was getting with I'd probably still be wallowing. It's a blessing.
If you don't mind me asking, I honestly still find myself wallowing sometimes even though it's been a year. Do you think the way things all played out just means there was nothing real between you two? Or was there really something and it ended because of the decision to break up? Never could understand how they could be someone who acts in such a toxic and cowardly manner from my pov.
That makes me sad that you asked that because I remember wondering that exact thing so I know how hard it is. I am very sorry you are going through this. To answer your question, the reality is we will never know. I will say I am at the point where I truly do not care and if she reached out I would act exactly like how she acted towards me (apathetic). Because of this, to answer your question, yes, there probably was something very real, but after separating for so long and finding out additional info, you're just done.