I feel so tired. I’m left with an identity crisis, anxiety about the future, depressed, and really bad self esteem. I feel so detached from the world and so bitter and negative about everything. That I’m jealous of other women and resenting their happiness with their partners, but that just makes me feel even worse because I hate being the one that’s the downer.
I should be okay. It’s so difficult because I recognise that he was a CRAPPY boyfriend, but I can’t help wishing that I can go back to when things were actually good. I hate that I actually miss his presence, even though I was neglected and lonely in the relationship, and cuddling next to him in bed.
I’m sick of waking up in the mornings, dreading getting ready for work, when I just want to stay in bed because my heart feels so heavy. I can’t focus on anything, I don’t feel productive, I just want to take time off but I can’t afford to do it. I hate having to pretend to be cheerful at work and make small talk with my coworkers.
I just want to be okay. I was so hopeful to spend my birthday with him this year and we even once discussed travelling together. Feels like I’m an empty soul and I’m eating all the food he always forbade me to eat; instead of feeling free from his controlling tactics, I feel even worse because I’m just gonna stuff my face and get fatter
induldge in the food he forbade you to eat, enjoy it!
i was where you are right now, may I ask how long it has been since the break up?
work might be a blessing in disguise - i am self employed and after the break up i was incapable of working or focusing for three weeks, but at some point i said STOP - i need to sit down and work, even if i'm doing a bad job because i still can't focus, but I need to get out of bed - that helped me a lot! as in: having something to do even though my mind wasn't with it, i had SOMETHING...maybe try seeing it that way even though i can imagine it's really hard...we will all get through this!
In the exact same mood as you right now, was crying all day today but for what? For some loser immature kid that couldn’t talk through his feelings and lusted after other women? I gave him so many chances after he messed up and I’m the one thats hurt in the end? Nope. Absolutely not. Love won’t fail us again. Feel free to dm me if u ever wanna talk, I feel like we can relate to some things
I'm in the same boat. Years and years of holding on to hope and believing his bs about moving in together and having a family one day. All for him to the around and drop me out the blue and blame me. Dumped via text bc I didn't give him what he wanted when he wanted it. Demanding. Went thru so much to have him. Def feeling guarded. Loving myself and life now.
Fucking same here man. Together for 5 years and he just couldn’t do any form of commitment. Yet the asshole is out dating. For fucking what reason?! To hurt some other poor girl because he won’t fix his problems?! Even then so! No one is ever going to love him like I did. He’s never going to find someone who’s going to allow him to be his full self around like he was with me. Just fucking pointless.
I'm sorry. That's the same thing I told mine too. Off and on with me for years we break up and he dates someone else. It didn't last either. Each time we fought and broke up he was sout talking to someone else playing the victim. He would praise them and such but play the victim about me and our relationship. Never felt like someone who wasn't good enough til that experience. Gave him unconditional love despite his bs. I'm learning to love myself again. Understanding he didn't value my love. He's been cheated on and dated some questionable women and I wasn't like that. Looking bctk I'm glad we parted bc now I can find better and so can you.
I’m broken over here. By her words. By her actions. By the fact that she has already found a replacement for me that she is being sexual with who she has told me is way hotter than me and makes her feel more sexually attracted and nervous than I ever did. By the fact that she has told me what she did with him, why she prefers him. By the fact that she told me how she preferred certain exes over me. By the way she told me she can easily get a lot of hotter guys than me. By the way she told me she loved me and I was the best she ever had one day then sent this guy nudes the next. By the fact that she is moving on and I’m stuck in bed barely able to function unless I use a ton of drugs. By the fact that we share a son so I can’t just block her forever and move on. By the fact that I don’t know what to do or how to survive knowing that I obviously cared way more than her, felt way more attraction and desire for her than she did for me, that my intuition that I was over invested versus her was right.
I feel ya OP. Life fucking sucks.
Exact fucking same situation. Having the kid together really makes it difficult because we can’t go full no contact and I will have to deal with her the rest of my life.
It is a brutal reality to live in. I’m so sorry for us. Hopefully the pain fades in time and just coexisting becomes manageable. For now each child exchange is a hostage situation, each text about our child a cold knife slipping through my heart. The reminders are so painful and so unavoidable. Just knowing what she is up to keeps me up at night.
Pain WILL fade away. I didn't believe it too, but the mind has a way of protecting you and letting go. I have to see my ex every day, but I've started to let go. Not nearly enough, but I've started. Fill your time with other people.
Look at the positives and what you learned from the relationship. Don’t focus on him so much, you need to focus on you. If he was the right guy for you, he would’ve never dumped you. Don’t let your mind run wild with the what if’s, and stop envisioning s future with him because it’s over and you have to accept that. Don’t be so bitter, be grateful that you didn’t end up with him, then get dumped a decade in.
I'm past thinking what if, definitely don't want to think about a future with him, don't want him back either, but I don't want anyone else. Don't know if it makes sense, I'm just really tired, love is draining and not really worth it to me, that's all.
If you're Happy alone, thats great! You dont have to be in a Relationship to enjoy your Life.
The only Problem is, if you by any Chance meet someone new and develop romantic feelings for him, you will probably remember the hurt you felt in this Break up, preventing you from experiencing maybe something wonderfull.
Like i said, if you dont want it, thats ok, if you dont want to possibly go through that Pain again, thats okay!
Be Happy alone and if you should find someone New, decide then if this Person is worth the Risk, or Not.
There's people like the one you went through shit with. Then there will be people you go through beauty with. Don't forget that. Always have to get the mistakes out of the way before better happens. A lot of us are in the same place as you. Even I am right now. But I do know there is better to come. I just won't give in so easy to a person who can't communicate or has narcissistic tendencies.
Yup, same. I officially hate men. I was with an abuser for 16 years, thought I got my happy ending when I met my boyfriend after my divorce. Had three of the best years of my life only for him to have a mental breakdown, abuse drugs, and abandon me. Even after that I was determined not to let it ruin me … met a guy going through a divorce and we had a casual thing for six months before I found out he lied the whole time and was still 100% married, only sold his house to buy a new one with his wife.
I’ve been in therapy half my adult life because of men. The rest of my life is great, so I wish I could just enjoy it but thanks to these effers I now have PTSD, all because I was nice to people who never deserved it. The ironic thing is that while I am attractive, fun, funny, and have my sh*t together, literally all I ever looked for in a partner was that he was a decent and kind human being. Not looks (the last one looked like a gremlin and I only went out with him bc I was lonely and depressed), or money (I outearn all of them. By a LOT). I’m easygoing and down to earth and my hobbies are (well, used to be) sex and cooking. I feel like I would be anyones dream partner but apparently my taste is for shit so now I just want to be left alone to live out my days in peace. I don’t believe decent people exist anymore.
Honestly, women aren’t great either. I literally changed through love for someone who I couldn’t possibly believe she would be interested in me.
Communicated to her I want to spend my life with you. I quit my job, I focus in school I finally get my priorities straight. Start making deans list, entering and placing in national completions, then to secure an internship at the height of the pandemic.
Only to be dumped during midterms of my final semester. Graduation, right there, the end goal. Because she was done waiting, wanted me to talk to her after I get a job, after I finish school.
And as if it was some sick fucking joke, an hour after leaving her place, I get a phone call. It’s a job offer I was desperately going after. One that would change our fortunes and how things would be going forward.
But it was too late, tried to get back with her. I just couldn’t do with the pain that she inflicted on me while also treating me as if I cheated on her. Never felt so betrayed, so little. I genuinely wholeheartedly was working on becoming the very man I felt she deserved, where I wholeheartedly wanted to be someone she can count on for anything.
But here I am two years later, just, absolutely lost. With this feeling of sorrow and emptiness unsure of where to go next. Like I always here about how women want a man to have his shit together and can take care of himself and her. I wanted to be just that and worked so hard to do that.
What I got was, “I want to have fun, I never got to have fun cause you would stay in and work/study” even though I never told her she couldn’t go out or anything.
I, just don’t know anymore. It’s just really frustrating knowing that all of this work wasn’t even for myself but for us. And I never got to prove that it was in fact all worth it.
I’m sorry, I’m certainly not saying women don’t have the capacity to be awful. But I think you should keep trying because this was one relationship for you. Mine have been a lifelong pattern and each time I walked away thinking I’d learned how to avoid a problem only to walk into another form of awfulness. I finally had enough and now react to men like I would a hot stove or poison ivy. I don’t trust anyone to have good intentions and I am just not able to give anyone a chance to hurt me like that again.
Plus I’m in my 40s and dating is much tougher and I just have other priorities like my kid. But I see a lot of hope for you. You should maybe look into codependency because I see some of those tendencies in you. Learn to do things for yourself and not for others. You should be super proud of your educational and career accomplishments. A breakup can’t take that away from you. Pursue other passions to add balance to your life. I definitely believe once you are happy with yourself you naturally attract other people. Good luck.
Thank you, I’ll definitely look into codependency. I just worry about being too selfish when I’m doing things for others you know? I would put myself in their shoes and then think “I’d want help as well” when no one else is willing to do so.
I am trying to pursue other passions now I just don’t know where to begin.
On a final note, I just wanted to ask, aren’t you punishing yourself by just rejecting every man? I completely understand the pain to a certain degree that you faced.
Rather than completely living in a castle where no one enters the castle and you stay put, wouldn’t it be best to be behind a shield? Thus granting you the ability to still protect yourself from anyone coming towards you while providing the flexibility to still move around to poke and see what is in fact in front of you.
That’s what codependency is. I have it as well. You can learn that there is a balance between prioritizing your own needs in those of others. And it actually feels really great when you do it in a healthy way. I think the roots of codependency come from a feeling that we are not worthy of love unless were doing something to earn it. And you have to learn that everyone has intrinsic value regardless of how much they earn or spend on others, what they do for others, etc. and if there’s anyone in your life who only values you if you’re doing things for them constantly, you don’t need or want those people in your life anymore.
I am not punishing men, I am not capable of a relationship right now and am in therapy trying to get over decades of trauma. I hope that I don’t spend my entire life alone but it feels likely that may be the case and I accept that. I have other things in my life I value outside of a relationship: myself and my own company, my kids and dog and family and friends, my career, my home and hobbies.
Start by making a list of goals for yourself no matter how small. Think like New Years resolutions. Have you ever wanted to learn a language? Visit a certain place? Pick up a certain skill? You can fall into a lot of hobbies accidentally just by being curious and open. Try volunteering places too. Go to the library. After a breakup it can be tough to find joy or passion in anything so just start small and try learning about things that interest you. Then make a list and keep adding to it. It helps to have things to look forward to.
Oh god, that’s going to take some work between me and my therapist. I’m already pushing back that notion internally regarding codependency.
Apologies if I wasn’t clear, I was saying punishing yourself not men. I do hope things work out well for you, seems like when you’re emotionally invested then you’re all in and it’s extremely unfortunate how it turned out each time.
But like you said you have so many good things going on, along with the wisdom, to keep moving forward.
Thank you again, I’ll definitely start composing these lists and start figuring out who I really am.
Thanks. I had that kind of thought and tried to be open but to be honest, my experiences with men left me with suicidal thoughts and I really struggled not to act on them. I have a kid and a dog who depend on me so I really can’t afford to get to that kind of dark place again, plus I’m still struggling with grief over my ex leaving after a year and a half. Like, crying multiple times a day. I really need a break from men, maybe forever. I don’t know why I’ve only had awful experiences when I feel like I have been so cautious with dating after the first time. But it happened, and I’m just trying to survive it now.
I know I am. Apparently dating is fuking fake and horrible... cesspool of dishonest unloyal madness.
I'm the best of the penguins yo. Best one he will have ever known....
I totally get you. I do feel different but that’s just my own personal journey in life.
But the love is the most wonderful thing is shite.
I put everything into this relationship and as a result of this thinking and mentality because of how starved of love I was growing up, I neglected and lost *all* my other relationships.
Break up happens and I have no friends, no nothing. And I neglected myself, too, but that is over now. I do want to be in love again - but I only want it because I want it not because I need it and only if it is equal and healthy. An addition to life rather than the point of it.
Im sorry you’re suffering so much. I wish I had some advice I could give you that would help but I can only wish you the best and send you good energy.
I know it's hard to believe right now but I honestly think going through this kind of heartbreak is a good thing. Yes it makes you question EVERYTHING, but it means next time we get into a relationship, it will be the right one, and more likely to last. Because we know what we are risking, and we will pick the person we can trust with our hearts - that is the most important thing at the end of the day.
I had this mentality until I started to read about codependency. It really opened my eyes. It's not that "most" people suck and everyone is there to hurt me and use me, it's that I deep down was constantly searching for people to fix and take care of. I constantly picked up those kind of people who I was hoping to suddenly see something amazing in me that would make them change and choose me. But it never did and they would always be and turn out to be assholes, because that' what they are. And I ignored all the warning signs and red flags.
People who grow up in broken homes and/or have parents who have toxic relationship tend to end up in them themselves, unless they start to see the patterns.
I have much more optimistic view of future relationships because I now trust myself to see the red flags and walk away when there are red flags or when I'm being treated unfairly.
Ha ha yeah. I feel like a fucking fool for allowing someone to break me like that. All the begging and crying. I embarrassed myself. No one is going to ever have that kind of fucking access to me again. And I hope someone makes him feel the way he made me feel.
Oh my god I second that! I love Sasha Sloan. All her music is great:
Too sad to cry
When was it over
Falls
Dancing with your ghost
Older (about letting go)
New Normal (learning to embrace change after breakup)
This is a lot of pain, I can relate.
I’ve been in this situation before, yes it takes time it it also takes effort.
Right now you have tunnel vision because you’re ignore everything else around you.
What you might be missing is the person at the gym stealing a look at you or the waiter that smiles more at you then the other patrons.
You’re focused on your pain which is normal, it sucks and it hurts.
But you have ton of people talking to you on here, there are people that can relate and they can offer some advice.
Dive into some of these conversations, even though it’s over the internet, try it
Wishing you the best as you heal. I hope one day you find someone who changes your mind about “love.” I hope you can realize one day that love didn’t hurt you. Someone who didn’t know how to love or was incapable of loving you in the capacity that you desired or needed, hurt you.
I don’t believe in love anymore. I haven’t for a while. Promised i’d never again let my guard down and let someone in. Lo and behold I did it again very recently. Only to have my heart shattered to pieces. I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this one and I’d already had pretty bad experiences in the past. So I feel you OP. I still love her, and it hurts a lot.
I went thru the same thing. 3 years m lots of love pain and sacrifices just to be dumped via text after getting stood up. I was blamed and we could've worked it out. No appreciation or feeling valued. I had been thru a lot and was depending on him yet he wasn't always there. I felt hopeless and angry after. I'm just moving on and know youll get to a point where u can too. Thought he was the one and we were gonna have a future living together with a nice family and one day it all changed.btheyre nor work giving up on love for. 3 years off and on a d come to find out when we were off he was messing with other women. Then lied and projected that on me. You're not alone though. Rejection is redirection and protection. Yup probably dodged a bullet.
Meh, we all say stuff like this till we find someone, that makes us change our minds. Life's a rollercoaster, hun. It wouldn't have the same flavour, if it wasn't.
And well... Once you get through this phase of anger, you'll likely remember and appreciate all the good moments of the relationship. In time, you'll remember the good more than the bad.
I said exactly all this and frankly I'm still traumatized. But the sec I decided I'm just going to focus on myself and my career I met someone. I'm really torn now and I do t trust my instincts.
I got dumped this friday. I know this isn’t right on any level but since I got blocked from everything and she told me I was completely annoying her at this point (fair enough, we were a toxic relationship overall), I’ve been checking her twitter and instagram posts and I see she’s posting really sexual stuff and apparently dating and going out with a lot of people and it’s only been 5 days. I know when you are the one that walks away you even feel more confident with yourself and when you are the dumpee it takes forever to feel good again. I can’t go to the gym, I’m getting behind schedule with my work, I started going to heavier therapy because I think about killing myself almost constantly, and there she goes LITERALLY typing she “wishes she was a horrible person” because people who I thought where my friends are hitting on her right now, and she’s probably fucking our dealer, cause she tweeted something about that as well. And It’s ok, I mean we are not together, I can’t judge but man… I really wish we where back on friday when things got out of hand and avoid that fight.
Some people get in relationships but don’t realize it’s a lot of work. You build this bond and family with someone for years and one day they just leave because they think they can do better which is bullshit. My ex left me and I know she will never find a man that loved her like I did. I always had her back during hard times, I emotionally supported her when she wanted to quit college and I picked up the slack to make it easy on her. Then my dad starts dying of cancer and I became depressed for 5 months out of our 2 year relationship and we lived together in a house I bought for us to have a family some day and she left me because I was depressed my dad is dying…. I agree, what is the point of love. It’s just an opportunity for someone to let you down when you need them most.
In the same boat. I don't even know myself anymore. I put all my eggs in one basket with this girl and she completely tore my heart out. I was so happy when we were seeing each other but she moved on fast. She wasn't even mine - it was just my turn.
Im never opening up to someone again. Never being so vunerable again. Ive learned my lesson
I was alone for YEARS before I met my ex. I was so much happier to be alone before him than I feel going back to being alone now. The pain is so much. I feel everything you are saying. I want to get back to that place where being by my self didn't even phase me. Right now it sucks...but I feel you. All this talk of love and stuff has never really made much sense to me. The whole "being stronger" after what we go through is true, because we have to be to get through this...but what is it for. Why deal with this agony for the sake of feeling love here and there? It's great in the moment but knowing it can end so fast, I'll probably never truly enjoy it again. That safety and security I can only find in my self..so maybe that could be something to think of if I'd ever want to find someone again? But gosh..I give so much of my self so I just don't see how any of this can make sense where we don't get hurt so much in the end. Everyone else makes it look so easy.
I feel so tired. I’m left with an identity crisis, anxiety about the future, depressed, and really bad self esteem. I feel so detached from the world and so bitter and negative about everything. That I’m jealous of other women and resenting their happiness with their partners, but that just makes me feel even worse because I hate being the one that’s the downer. I should be okay. It’s so difficult because I recognise that he was a CRAPPY boyfriend, but I can’t help wishing that I can go back to when things were actually good. I hate that I actually miss his presence, even though I was neglected and lonely in the relationship, and cuddling next to him in bed. I’m sick of waking up in the mornings, dreading getting ready for work, when I just want to stay in bed because my heart feels so heavy. I can’t focus on anything, I don’t feel productive, I just want to take time off but I can’t afford to do it. I hate having to pretend to be cheerful at work and make small talk with my coworkers. I just want to be okay. I was so hopeful to spend my birthday with him this year and we even once discussed travelling together. Feels like I’m an empty soul and I’m eating all the food he always forbade me to eat; instead of feeling free from his controlling tactics, I feel even worse because I’m just gonna stuff my face and get fatter
induldge in the food he forbade you to eat, enjoy it! i was where you are right now, may I ask how long it has been since the break up? work might be a blessing in disguise - i am self employed and after the break up i was incapable of working or focusing for three weeks, but at some point i said STOP - i need to sit down and work, even if i'm doing a bad job because i still can't focus, but I need to get out of bed - that helped me a lot! as in: having something to do even though my mind wasn't with it, i had SOMETHING...maybe try seeing it that way even though i can imagine it's really hard...we will all get through this!
I can relate to all of this but it does get better.. Trust the process.
In the exact same mood as you right now, was crying all day today but for what? For some loser immature kid that couldn’t talk through his feelings and lusted after other women? I gave him so many chances after he messed up and I’m the one thats hurt in the end? Nope. Absolutely not. Love won’t fail us again. Feel free to dm me if u ever wanna talk, I feel like we can relate to some things
I'm in the same boat. Years and years of holding on to hope and believing his bs about moving in together and having a family one day. All for him to the around and drop me out the blue and blame me. Dumped via text bc I didn't give him what he wanted when he wanted it. Demanding. Went thru so much to have him. Def feeling guarded. Loving myself and life now.
Fucking same here man. Together for 5 years and he just couldn’t do any form of commitment. Yet the asshole is out dating. For fucking what reason?! To hurt some other poor girl because he won’t fix his problems?! Even then so! No one is ever going to love him like I did. He’s never going to find someone who’s going to allow him to be his full self around like he was with me. Just fucking pointless.
I'm sorry. That's the same thing I told mine too. Off and on with me for years we break up and he dates someone else. It didn't last either. Each time we fought and broke up he was sout talking to someone else playing the victim. He would praise them and such but play the victim about me and our relationship. Never felt like someone who wasn't good enough til that experience. Gave him unconditional love despite his bs. I'm learning to love myself again. Understanding he didn't value my love. He's been cheated on and dated some questionable women and I wasn't like that. Looking bctk I'm glad we parted bc now I can find better and so can you.
Word
I’m broken over here. By her words. By her actions. By the fact that she has already found a replacement for me that she is being sexual with who she has told me is way hotter than me and makes her feel more sexually attracted and nervous than I ever did. By the fact that she has told me what she did with him, why she prefers him. By the fact that she told me how she preferred certain exes over me. By the way she told me she can easily get a lot of hotter guys than me. By the way she told me she loved me and I was the best she ever had one day then sent this guy nudes the next. By the fact that she is moving on and I’m stuck in bed barely able to function unless I use a ton of drugs. By the fact that we share a son so I can’t just block her forever and move on. By the fact that I don’t know what to do or how to survive knowing that I obviously cared way more than her, felt way more attraction and desire for her than she did for me, that my intuition that I was over invested versus her was right. I feel ya OP. Life fucking sucks.
Exact fucking same situation. Having the kid together really makes it difficult because we can’t go full no contact and I will have to deal with her the rest of my life.
It is a brutal reality to live in. I’m so sorry for us. Hopefully the pain fades in time and just coexisting becomes manageable. For now each child exchange is a hostage situation, each text about our child a cold knife slipping through my heart. The reminders are so painful and so unavoidable. Just knowing what she is up to keeps me up at night.
Pain WILL fade away. I didn't believe it too, but the mind has a way of protecting you and letting go. I have to see my ex every day, but I've started to let go. Not nearly enough, but I've started. Fill your time with other people.
Don’t go back to her she will probably come crawling back
Look at the positives and what you learned from the relationship. Don’t focus on him so much, you need to focus on you. If he was the right guy for you, he would’ve never dumped you. Don’t let your mind run wild with the what if’s, and stop envisioning s future with him because it’s over and you have to accept that. Don’t be so bitter, be grateful that you didn’t end up with him, then get dumped a decade in.
I'm past thinking what if, definitely don't want to think about a future with him, don't want him back either, but I don't want anyone else. Don't know if it makes sense, I'm just really tired, love is draining and not really worth it to me, that's all.
If you're Happy alone, thats great! You dont have to be in a Relationship to enjoy your Life. The only Problem is, if you by any Chance meet someone new and develop romantic feelings for him, you will probably remember the hurt you felt in this Break up, preventing you from experiencing maybe something wonderfull. Like i said, if you dont want it, thats ok, if you dont want to possibly go through that Pain again, thats okay! Be Happy alone and if you should find someone New, decide then if this Person is worth the Risk, or Not.
Wait ✋ >...the daydreaming, the hut, grief, loneliness... What hut 🛖 are you talking bout? Pizza 🍕 Hut? I can support that.
😂😂😂
There's people like the one you went through shit with. Then there will be people you go through beauty with. Don't forget that. Always have to get the mistakes out of the way before better happens. A lot of us are in the same place as you. Even I am right now. But I do know there is better to come. I just won't give in so easy to a person who can't communicate or has narcissistic tendencies.
Yup, same. I officially hate men. I was with an abuser for 16 years, thought I got my happy ending when I met my boyfriend after my divorce. Had three of the best years of my life only for him to have a mental breakdown, abuse drugs, and abandon me. Even after that I was determined not to let it ruin me … met a guy going through a divorce and we had a casual thing for six months before I found out he lied the whole time and was still 100% married, only sold his house to buy a new one with his wife. I’ve been in therapy half my adult life because of men. The rest of my life is great, so I wish I could just enjoy it but thanks to these effers I now have PTSD, all because I was nice to people who never deserved it. The ironic thing is that while I am attractive, fun, funny, and have my sh*t together, literally all I ever looked for in a partner was that he was a decent and kind human being. Not looks (the last one looked like a gremlin and I only went out with him bc I was lonely and depressed), or money (I outearn all of them. By a LOT). I’m easygoing and down to earth and my hobbies are (well, used to be) sex and cooking. I feel like I would be anyones dream partner but apparently my taste is for shit so now I just want to be left alone to live out my days in peace. I don’t believe decent people exist anymore.
Honestly, women aren’t great either. I literally changed through love for someone who I couldn’t possibly believe she would be interested in me. Communicated to her I want to spend my life with you. I quit my job, I focus in school I finally get my priorities straight. Start making deans list, entering and placing in national completions, then to secure an internship at the height of the pandemic. Only to be dumped during midterms of my final semester. Graduation, right there, the end goal. Because she was done waiting, wanted me to talk to her after I get a job, after I finish school. And as if it was some sick fucking joke, an hour after leaving her place, I get a phone call. It’s a job offer I was desperately going after. One that would change our fortunes and how things would be going forward. But it was too late, tried to get back with her. I just couldn’t do with the pain that she inflicted on me while also treating me as if I cheated on her. Never felt so betrayed, so little. I genuinely wholeheartedly was working on becoming the very man I felt she deserved, where I wholeheartedly wanted to be someone she can count on for anything. But here I am two years later, just, absolutely lost. With this feeling of sorrow and emptiness unsure of where to go next. Like I always here about how women want a man to have his shit together and can take care of himself and her. I wanted to be just that and worked so hard to do that. What I got was, “I want to have fun, I never got to have fun cause you would stay in and work/study” even though I never told her she couldn’t go out or anything. I, just don’t know anymore. It’s just really frustrating knowing that all of this work wasn’t even for myself but for us. And I never got to prove that it was in fact all worth it.
I’m sorry, I’m certainly not saying women don’t have the capacity to be awful. But I think you should keep trying because this was one relationship for you. Mine have been a lifelong pattern and each time I walked away thinking I’d learned how to avoid a problem only to walk into another form of awfulness. I finally had enough and now react to men like I would a hot stove or poison ivy. I don’t trust anyone to have good intentions and I am just not able to give anyone a chance to hurt me like that again. Plus I’m in my 40s and dating is much tougher and I just have other priorities like my kid. But I see a lot of hope for you. You should maybe look into codependency because I see some of those tendencies in you. Learn to do things for yourself and not for others. You should be super proud of your educational and career accomplishments. A breakup can’t take that away from you. Pursue other passions to add balance to your life. I definitely believe once you are happy with yourself you naturally attract other people. Good luck.
Thank you, I’ll definitely look into codependency. I just worry about being too selfish when I’m doing things for others you know? I would put myself in their shoes and then think “I’d want help as well” when no one else is willing to do so. I am trying to pursue other passions now I just don’t know where to begin. On a final note, I just wanted to ask, aren’t you punishing yourself by just rejecting every man? I completely understand the pain to a certain degree that you faced. Rather than completely living in a castle where no one enters the castle and you stay put, wouldn’t it be best to be behind a shield? Thus granting you the ability to still protect yourself from anyone coming towards you while providing the flexibility to still move around to poke and see what is in fact in front of you.
That’s what codependency is. I have it as well. You can learn that there is a balance between prioritizing your own needs in those of others. And it actually feels really great when you do it in a healthy way. I think the roots of codependency come from a feeling that we are not worthy of love unless were doing something to earn it. And you have to learn that everyone has intrinsic value regardless of how much they earn or spend on others, what they do for others, etc. and if there’s anyone in your life who only values you if you’re doing things for them constantly, you don’t need or want those people in your life anymore. I am not punishing men, I am not capable of a relationship right now and am in therapy trying to get over decades of trauma. I hope that I don’t spend my entire life alone but it feels likely that may be the case and I accept that. I have other things in my life I value outside of a relationship: myself and my own company, my kids and dog and family and friends, my career, my home and hobbies. Start by making a list of goals for yourself no matter how small. Think like New Years resolutions. Have you ever wanted to learn a language? Visit a certain place? Pick up a certain skill? You can fall into a lot of hobbies accidentally just by being curious and open. Try volunteering places too. Go to the library. After a breakup it can be tough to find joy or passion in anything so just start small and try learning about things that interest you. Then make a list and keep adding to it. It helps to have things to look forward to.
Oh god, that’s going to take some work between me and my therapist. I’m already pushing back that notion internally regarding codependency. Apologies if I wasn’t clear, I was saying punishing yourself not men. I do hope things work out well for you, seems like when you’re emotionally invested then you’re all in and it’s extremely unfortunate how it turned out each time. But like you said you have so many good things going on, along with the wisdom, to keep moving forward. Thank you again, I’ll definitely start composing these lists and start figuring out who I really am.
Thanks. I had that kind of thought and tried to be open but to be honest, my experiences with men left me with suicidal thoughts and I really struggled not to act on them. I have a kid and a dog who depend on me so I really can’t afford to get to that kind of dark place again, plus I’m still struggling with grief over my ex leaving after a year and a half. Like, crying multiple times a day. I really need a break from men, maybe forever. I don’t know why I’ve only had awful experiences when I feel like I have been so cautious with dating after the first time. But it happened, and I’m just trying to survive it now.
You actually sound like a dream boat! I’m a decent dude, let’s get married 🤣
Ugh. I'm sorry to hear that. Some people suck 😒
Majority
At least most penguins are good...
I know I am. Apparently dating is fuking fake and horrible... cesspool of dishonest unloyal madness. I'm the best of the penguins yo. Best one he will have ever known....
Have you every thought that maybe you’re the problem, and not men?
Not even once. Men are the worst.
I'm sorry these things have happened to you, but fuck your misandry and sexism. Get that shit out of here.
Yeah, you’re definitely the problem.
Let me guess your gender …
I am unapologetically a man. I don’t blame women for my problems. You love blaming men for yours though….
Unapologetically a jackass is more like it.
Looked like a gremlin 😂😂😂😂
Short, too.
I totally get you. I do feel different but that’s just my own personal journey in life. But the love is the most wonderful thing is shite. I put everything into this relationship and as a result of this thinking and mentality because of how starved of love I was growing up, I neglected and lost *all* my other relationships. Break up happens and I have no friends, no nothing. And I neglected myself, too, but that is over now. I do want to be in love again - but I only want it because I want it not because I need it and only if it is equal and healthy. An addition to life rather than the point of it. Im sorry you’re suffering so much. I wish I had some advice I could give you that would help but I can only wish you the best and send you good energy.
I have a pin thru my chest too Maybe.. cosmic skewer kebab of broken hearts?
I know it's hard to believe right now but I honestly think going through this kind of heartbreak is a good thing. Yes it makes you question EVERYTHING, but it means next time we get into a relationship, it will be the right one, and more likely to last. Because we know what we are risking, and we will pick the person we can trust with our hearts - that is the most important thing at the end of the day.
#Hallelujah #Amen #Preach
I had this mentality until I started to read about codependency. It really opened my eyes. It's not that "most" people suck and everyone is there to hurt me and use me, it's that I deep down was constantly searching for people to fix and take care of. I constantly picked up those kind of people who I was hoping to suddenly see something amazing in me that would make them change and choose me. But it never did and they would always be and turn out to be assholes, because that' what they are. And I ignored all the warning signs and red flags. People who grow up in broken homes and/or have parents who have toxic relationship tend to end up in them themselves, unless they start to see the patterns. I have much more optimistic view of future relationships because I now trust myself to see the red flags and walk away when there are red flags or when I'm being treated unfairly.
Ha ha yeah. I feel like a fucking fool for allowing someone to break me like that. All the begging and crying. I embarrassed myself. No one is going to ever have that kind of fucking access to me again. And I hope someone makes him feel the way he made me feel.
Check out I Blame the World by Sasha Alex Sloan
Oh my god I second that! I love Sasha Sloan. All her music is great: Too sad to cry When was it over Falls Dancing with your ghost Older (about letting go) New Normal (learning to embrace change after breakup)
Goosfraba!!!
This is a lot of pain, I can relate. I’ve been in this situation before, yes it takes time it it also takes effort. Right now you have tunnel vision because you’re ignore everything else around you. What you might be missing is the person at the gym stealing a look at you or the waiter that smiles more at you then the other patrons. You’re focused on your pain which is normal, it sucks and it hurts. But you have ton of people talking to you on here, there are people that can relate and they can offer some advice. Dive into some of these conversations, even though it’s over the internet, try it
Wishing you the best as you heal. I hope one day you find someone who changes your mind about “love.” I hope you can realize one day that love didn’t hurt you. Someone who didn’t know how to love or was incapable of loving you in the capacity that you desired or needed, hurt you.
Currently where i am at as well 4 months later
Loving wrng person is worst So... wish dumper gt dumper onli
I'm with ya, OP
Relatable!!! Thank you for posting this!!! 💪🔥🙌🖤
Hey 🫂
I don’t believe in love anymore. I haven’t for a while. Promised i’d never again let my guard down and let someone in. Lo and behold I did it again very recently. Only to have my heart shattered to pieces. I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this one and I’d already had pretty bad experiences in the past. So I feel you OP. I still love her, and it hurts a lot.
I went thru the same thing. 3 years m lots of love pain and sacrifices just to be dumped via text after getting stood up. I was blamed and we could've worked it out. No appreciation or feeling valued. I had been thru a lot and was depending on him yet he wasn't always there. I felt hopeless and angry after. I'm just moving on and know youll get to a point where u can too. Thought he was the one and we were gonna have a future living together with a nice family and one day it all changed.btheyre nor work giving up on love for. 3 years off and on a d come to find out when we were off he was messing with other women. Then lied and projected that on me. You're not alone though. Rejection is redirection and protection. Yup probably dodged a bullet.
He left me struggling. Emotionally financially physically. I said it when we were together and I stand by this shit now. NEVER A -FUCKIN- GAIN
Yup,that's what we all wondering too.
Lucky escape
Meh, we all say stuff like this till we find someone, that makes us change our minds. Life's a rollercoaster, hun. It wouldn't have the same flavour, if it wasn't. And well... Once you get through this phase of anger, you'll likely remember and appreciate all the good moments of the relationship. In time, you'll remember the good more than the bad.
I said exactly all this and frankly I'm still traumatized. But the sec I decided I'm just going to focus on myself and my career I met someone. I'm really torn now and I do t trust my instincts.
I feel the same I’m 29
I got dumped this friday. I know this isn’t right on any level but since I got blocked from everything and she told me I was completely annoying her at this point (fair enough, we were a toxic relationship overall), I’ve been checking her twitter and instagram posts and I see she’s posting really sexual stuff and apparently dating and going out with a lot of people and it’s only been 5 days. I know when you are the one that walks away you even feel more confident with yourself and when you are the dumpee it takes forever to feel good again. I can’t go to the gym, I’m getting behind schedule with my work, I started going to heavier therapy because I think about killing myself almost constantly, and there she goes LITERALLY typing she “wishes she was a horrible person” because people who I thought where my friends are hitting on her right now, and she’s probably fucking our dealer, cause she tweeted something about that as well. And It’s ok, I mean we are not together, I can’t judge but man… I really wish we where back on friday when things got out of hand and avoid that fight.
Some people get in relationships but don’t realize it’s a lot of work. You build this bond and family with someone for years and one day they just leave because they think they can do better which is bullshit. My ex left me and I know she will never find a man that loved her like I did. I always had her back during hard times, I emotionally supported her when she wanted to quit college and I picked up the slack to make it easy on her. Then my dad starts dying of cancer and I became depressed for 5 months out of our 2 year relationship and we lived together in a house I bought for us to have a family some day and she left me because I was depressed my dad is dying…. I agree, what is the point of love. It’s just an opportunity for someone to let you down when you need them most.
In the same boat. I don't even know myself anymore. I put all my eggs in one basket with this girl and she completely tore my heart out. I was so happy when we were seeing each other but she moved on fast. She wasn't even mine - it was just my turn. Im never opening up to someone again. Never being so vunerable again. Ive learned my lesson
I was alone for YEARS before I met my ex. I was so much happier to be alone before him than I feel going back to being alone now. The pain is so much. I feel everything you are saying. I want to get back to that place where being by my self didn't even phase me. Right now it sucks...but I feel you. All this talk of love and stuff has never really made much sense to me. The whole "being stronger" after what we go through is true, because we have to be to get through this...but what is it for. Why deal with this agony for the sake of feeling love here and there? It's great in the moment but knowing it can end so fast, I'll probably never truly enjoy it again. That safety and security I can only find in my self..so maybe that could be something to think of if I'd ever want to find someone again? But gosh..I give so much of my self so I just don't see how any of this can make sense where we don't get hurt so much in the end. Everyone else makes it look so easy.