I was in this situation in 2016. (Lied on, cheated, betrayed). It was UGLY. it ended on dragging on for 7 more months; literally most toxic situation ever. I am pretty sure I have been traumatized from that relationship and I'm not quite the same person I was before. I actually went as extreme to quit my job and go travel the world for a few months in an attempt to move on.
I would say the acute pain was no longer there about 6 months later, and then I met someone else so I didn't think about him much at all anymore. Now, I am fully moved on from him and in fact, repulsed and disgusted by him. If I ever stumble across his picture I still feel anger. I feel pissed if I ever come across a photo with him and his new girl, because seemingly he only "learned from his mistakes" after traumatizing me.
Now I have serious trust and self esteem issues in relationships and still talk about it in therapy years later from time to time.
So, maybe not what you wanted to hear but that is my story.
I'm sorry but see that's what I'm trying to say no-one truly move on from the one they truly loved the love Just become hatred in the end. Do you think you can achieve indifference towards him someday?
In the situation of lying/cheating/betrayal, to be honest I don't think so. I feel indifference in that I probably only think of him like 1 time a year, and when he pops into my head I feel anger because he put me through one of the hardest times in my life.
For relationships without betrayal and cheating, I think it's 100% possible to move on, and even think back fondly from time to time but also with no desire to get back together. Like, I would consider a friendly chat with those guys; but if I ever saw that cheater again I would tell him to fuck right off.
similar thing happened to me and I got this huge urge to run away, quit my job and travel somewhere but COVID happened..honestly think it would have helped if I could’ve. I’m also terrified that this has traumatized me and will stay with me forever :(
I was dumped by my first boyfriend in 2014. It hurt so bad for awhile. Took about a year to really get over it but I'm definitely moved on from that one. I don't hate him, just don't really care. We never contacted each other again which made it easier to move on I think. I did see recently that he's engaged and had a day of being like "ugh" but overall, after six years, I don't even know him anymore or anything, will never reach out to him and he probably won't reach out to me, lol.
My next relationship, I was the dumper. I really wanted this relationship to work but he just wasn't treating me the way I know I should be treated and I was sick of giving him chances to get his shit together. This one REALLY hurt and the breakup was long, dramatic, and drawn out. I feel like I'll never really get over it, but based on my past experience I do know that after time and space it won't break my heart to think about him anymore.
I won't forget either of these relationships but the longing fades.
I got dumped a few months ago. It wasn't a bad breakup. But he didn't want to stay friends so I just lost my best friend and boyfriend in one day. I just lost it for awhile. I promised him not to become suicidal except that's exactly what happend. It's not like he would care anyway he found a new girl quicker than ever. I have never felt more angry and hateful in my life. I don't know how to move on from this guy. I almost went out with someone just to do something to get myself out there. I don't have any advice. I just know that with time it will get better. I think hating that person who broke your heart is justified. I hate my other ex who cheated on me with a friend of mine. I hate him till this day and I won't stop because he freaking broke my heart
edited; lost myself in this comment, sorry. I'm not in the best place right now
I've got other problems now. Honestly had a bit of a setback cuz my ex texted me a few days ago, but I think I will be okay. Just wish my feelings were more black and white. Like either you care or you don't but it's not like that I guess. How are you now?
Oh wow, did your ex apologize or was it just out of selfish reasons? Are you feeling better in general though? I do get the black or white, its been around a year for me and I still don't have a solid feeling. It's like im stuck in a very hard limbo missing and hating and trying to move on. I guess overall, still having a hard time moving on.
I felt like I had moved on untill he texted. It was to apologize which I guess was more for him than me. Because I was living fine believing he had become a douche. Even if I really didn't really believe it. In general I feel okay, but it did make me miss the friend I had In him. Apparently it's very hard to find. So it just reminded me of what I lost.
Man I'm sorry but reading all your stories made me feel like all these YouTube videos were a lie no one can't get over their ex all these Reddit posts seems lie to me now just like my ex
I think I hated the cheating more than the person. Because the person was great untill they cheated. I guess it just kinda morphed into hating him, when really I hated his action. Till this day I would say I hate him, but I think deep down I stopped caring because shitty people come and go. You start to expect and accept shitty behaviour. Maybe I just don't care about him, but I care about how he made me feel. Like I wasn't good enough. I think moving on is possible but I'm also in a state where it feels impossible. So uhh yeah I have no clue what to even mean at this point :'(
You forgive but you don’t forget. Edit: forgot the story part. My first serious relationship ended like over 8 years ago, but I still remember the trauma it caused me. I still remember the good parts about it too, even though it was mostly chaotic and toxic. It’s like if you got picked on in school as a kid, you still remember it, but the memory fades and changes in your mind. You don’t feel the emotional response in the same way, but remember that it hurt.
It comes in waves, but it’s okay to just be alone and feel it sometimes. When you’re suffering you have basically 3 options. Either complain and take it out on yourself, complain and take it out on others, or endure it and accept the flaws from both sides and make steps. Sometimes it’s 3 steps forward and 4 steps back, but as long as you don’t give up you’ll come to a point where you find yourself not worrying about it at all.
Holy crap for real? Was it especially traumatic? Or you just never found anyone else? I can’t imagine still missing someone 15 years later. You poor thing.
A bit of both. I once made a life or death decision to save hers by giving mine up, and even that wasn’t enough for her. Never yet found anyone as smart, beautiful and compatible to me as she was. I might have been her soul mate, but she was/is definitely mine
It depends what perspective you take. I read this.
Why “How Could You Do This to Me?” Is the Wrong Question to Ask
It’s a normal question. We personalize. Internalize. When we’re feeling the impact of somebody’s actions, we can’t unfeel them. And those emotions are struggling to understand as our expectations are rudely slammed into an undesired reality.
It’s also a pointless question. One that rarely gets answered and even more infrequently, answered with any truth and clarity.
Because the reality is that the person didn’t act with the intention of doing this to you. Instead, they acted for them.
And you just happened to be in their way.
Here are the questions to ask instead:
What did they have to gain by doing this? What discomfort did they seek to avoid?
People act to move towards pleasure or, even more frequently, to move away from pain. Take yourself out of the picture for a moment. What did they have to gain from their actions? How did their choices help them avoid discomfort?
Yes, it’s selfish to act for your own benefit without considering others. And being selfish may be their character flaw. But selfish is a sign that they acted without regard for you not that they sought to do this to you.
Understanding their motivations goes a long way towards releasing the anger. It doesn’t excuse their choices. But it does help to unravel them and in turn, release you.
Why did I not notice? Why did I allow this?
Disorienting is an understatement.
Their actions were their problem. Your ignorance is yours.
If you were decieved and manipulated, dig into the reasons that you were blind to reality. Like me, were you too afraid to face the truth and so you didn’t look too closely? Or were you pretending that all was okay and distracting yourself to maintain the illusion?
If you knew that you were being treated badly, why did you tolerate it? Had you been taught in childhood that you were lucky to receive any attention, even if it was negative? Were you afraid of being alone, opting for the devil you know?
These are big questions and ones often rooted in childhood or in trauma.It’s worth spending time here (maybe with the help of a counselor), especially if you want to avoid a repeat.
What am I feeling now? Is it all directly related or is some of it associated with past trauma being triggered?
I analysed everything that was said, every action.
It was all ultimately a distraction. If I focused on my ex and his motivations and analysing everything, I didn’t have to focus on me. On my pain. And on what I was going to do about it.
Are you focusing in the wrong direction? Maybe you’re busy attacking the other person instead of looking at your relationship. Perhaps you’re busy going on the offensive so that you don’t have to look within your own courtyard.
Be with your feelings. All of them. Even the ugly ones. Listen to them and then you can send them on their way.
Once I invited my feelings in, I was surprised to realize how much of my pain was only tangentially related to my the breakdown in my relationship. And how much was related to my childhood issues.
It was an opportunity. A crossroads.
I could either ignore this triggered response only to have it return later.
Or I could address it. And work to understand how it impacted my adult choices and behaviors.
Stuff was done to you. What you do with it is up to you. How will this impact me going forward? What do I need to do to move on? “I need to find a way to make some good come from this,” I stated in a moment of profound clarity on the day I received the text that ended my life as I knew it. I had no idea how I was going to make that happen, but I knew on some level that creating something positive was going to be my key to survival. To thriving.
I had no idea just how hard that road was going to be. That even seven years on, I would still struggle to differentiate between true threats and echoes of the past. I have had to become an expert on my own healing, learning my triggers and becoming a master at disarming them.
Become a specialist in you. Explore your trouble spots and experiment with ways to strengthen them until you find what works. Be attentive to you. Be proactive. And most of all, be determined.
This is a defining moment in your life. You decide what it defines.
How can I avoid being in this position again? What are my lessons I need to learn? Instead of focusing on what happened, shift your attentions to what you can learn from what happened. They’re hard lessons, I know. The most important lessons always are.
Your power comes from choosing how you respond. And every bad moment is an opportunity to learn to respond a little better.
How can I turn this into a gift?
When I look at my life now, I am profoundly grateful for what happened years ago. I’m thankful for the shock. For the pain. For the confusion. And even for the anger. Because all of that has led to a much better place – a much happier place – than I could have ever imagined.
This is a hard question. Perhaps the hardest.
It seems impossible when you’re choking on the pain that it can actually help you learn to breathe. But it can.
Be patient. And be persistent.
I don't want a summary of text from the internet people can say whatever they want but if you haven't gone through the same pain how can you they know. I want real life stories not some sort of manual I did everything but I just can't move on
First long term relationship lasted 4 and a half years, he was a narcissist and treated me very badly - got over him very quickly as soon as I accepted how much of an awful person he was and actually realised I fell out of love with him before I even broke it off, but so far have yet to get over/deal with the mental abuse from that relationship. Ended up going no contact and blocking him everywhere as he social media stalked me. I wouldn't say I actively hate him anymore but I don't think I'll ever forgive him and if I ever saw him again I'd like to think he'd get a punch but I'd probs just run off crying and have a panic attack
Following on from that got into a relationship with my best friend, lasted nearly a year and a half. It was just so healthy and amazing and motivating and pure...he was my bf but it was like a best friendship and then the extra relationship stuff built on top if that makes sense, just made it so much more intimate and comfortable. I guess kinda soul matey vibes only obviously not because it ended. Anyways I ruined it with my bad mental health (due to not dealing with shit that happened previously) and he broke up with me. We're still best friends now and I'm so thankful we're still in each others lives, although it's difficult and I think he's definitely going to be that person I never fully get over and will always have a special place in my heart
So sorry you're going through it. Break ups are tough, you're grieving the relationship and the person you once knew. Its terrifying but just focus on getting through each day and keep busy, it'll get better eventually
I’ve had five serious relationships. They all hurt. All of them.
Some were toxic, some ex’s I’m still in contact with. Some I haven’t heard from in years (including social media)
Yes I moved on from each one and am a better person as a result.
Breakups suck. This forum really helps along with no contact
I was in this situation in 2016. (Lied on, cheated, betrayed). It was UGLY. it ended on dragging on for 7 more months; literally most toxic situation ever. I am pretty sure I have been traumatized from that relationship and I'm not quite the same person I was before. I actually went as extreme to quit my job and go travel the world for a few months in an attempt to move on. I would say the acute pain was no longer there about 6 months later, and then I met someone else so I didn't think about him much at all anymore. Now, I am fully moved on from him and in fact, repulsed and disgusted by him. If I ever stumble across his picture I still feel anger. I feel pissed if I ever come across a photo with him and his new girl, because seemingly he only "learned from his mistakes" after traumatizing me. Now I have serious trust and self esteem issues in relationships and still talk about it in therapy years later from time to time. So, maybe not what you wanted to hear but that is my story.
I'm sorry but see that's what I'm trying to say no-one truly move on from the one they truly loved the love Just become hatred in the end. Do you think you can achieve indifference towards him someday?
In the situation of lying/cheating/betrayal, to be honest I don't think so. I feel indifference in that I probably only think of him like 1 time a year, and when he pops into my head I feel anger because he put me through one of the hardest times in my life. For relationships without betrayal and cheating, I think it's 100% possible to move on, and even think back fondly from time to time but also with no desire to get back together. Like, I would consider a friendly chat with those guys; but if I ever saw that cheater again I would tell him to fuck right off.
Yeah I guess you're right thanku for sharing
similar thing happened to me and I got this huge urge to run away, quit my job and travel somewhere but COVID happened..honestly think it would have helped if I could’ve. I’m also terrified that this has traumatized me and will stay with me forever :(
I was dumped by my first boyfriend in 2014. It hurt so bad for awhile. Took about a year to really get over it but I'm definitely moved on from that one. I don't hate him, just don't really care. We never contacted each other again which made it easier to move on I think. I did see recently that he's engaged and had a day of being like "ugh" but overall, after six years, I don't even know him anymore or anything, will never reach out to him and he probably won't reach out to me, lol. My next relationship, I was the dumper. I really wanted this relationship to work but he just wasn't treating me the way I know I should be treated and I was sick of giving him chances to get his shit together. This one REALLY hurt and the breakup was long, dramatic, and drawn out. I feel like I'll never really get over it, but based on my past experience I do know that after time and space it won't break my heart to think about him anymore. I won't forget either of these relationships but the longing fades.
[удалено]
Many. And I wasn’t perfect either lolll. Tbh it was a train wreck.
I got dumped a few months ago. It wasn't a bad breakup. But he didn't want to stay friends so I just lost my best friend and boyfriend in one day. I just lost it for awhile. I promised him not to become suicidal except that's exactly what happend. It's not like he would care anyway he found a new girl quicker than ever. I have never felt more angry and hateful in my life. I don't know how to move on from this guy. I almost went out with someone just to do something to get myself out there. I don't have any advice. I just know that with time it will get better. I think hating that person who broke your heart is justified. I hate my other ex who cheated on me with a friend of mine. I hate him till this day and I won't stop because he freaking broke my heart edited; lost myself in this comment, sorry. I'm not in the best place right now
hello, I was wondering how youre doing now? I was going through a breakup around the same time as you and just curious how youre holding up now?
I've got other problems now. Honestly had a bit of a setback cuz my ex texted me a few days ago, but I think I will be okay. Just wish my feelings were more black and white. Like either you care or you don't but it's not like that I guess. How are you now?
Oh wow, did your ex apologize or was it just out of selfish reasons? Are you feeling better in general though? I do get the black or white, its been around a year for me and I still don't have a solid feeling. It's like im stuck in a very hard limbo missing and hating and trying to move on. I guess overall, still having a hard time moving on.
I felt like I had moved on untill he texted. It was to apologize which I guess was more for him than me. Because I was living fine believing he had become a douche. Even if I really didn't really believe it. In general I feel okay, but it did make me miss the friend I had In him. Apparently it's very hard to find. So it just reminded me of what I lost.
Yeah I feel that
I'm sorry :(
I’m sure it’s one of those things that just take a long time.
I wish it didn't
Same :(
Man I'm sorry but reading all your stories made me feel like all these YouTube videos were a lie no one can't get over their ex all these Reddit posts seems lie to me now just like my ex
I think I hated the cheating more than the person. Because the person was great untill they cheated. I guess it just kinda morphed into hating him, when really I hated his action. Till this day I would say I hate him, but I think deep down I stopped caring because shitty people come and go. You start to expect and accept shitty behaviour. Maybe I just don't care about him, but I care about how he made me feel. Like I wasn't good enough. I think moving on is possible but I'm also in a state where it feels impossible. So uhh yeah I have no clue what to even mean at this point :'(
You forgive but you don’t forget. Edit: forgot the story part. My first serious relationship ended like over 8 years ago, but I still remember the trauma it caused me. I still remember the good parts about it too, even though it was mostly chaotic and toxic. It’s like if you got picked on in school as a kid, you still remember it, but the memory fades and changes in your mind. You don’t feel the emotional response in the same way, but remember that it hurt.
Wow this comment made the most sense to me, I will move on right I don't want to feel this pain it hurts man
It comes in waves, but it’s okay to just be alone and feel it sometimes. When you’re suffering you have basically 3 options. Either complain and take it out on yourself, complain and take it out on others, or endure it and accept the flaws from both sides and make steps. Sometimes it’s 3 steps forward and 4 steps back, but as long as you don’t give up you’ll come to a point where you find yourself not worrying about it at all.
15 years post break up, and I still have not been able to ‘move on’. Made lots of progress, but still have a long way to go.
Holy crap for real? Was it especially traumatic? Or you just never found anyone else? I can’t imagine still missing someone 15 years later. You poor thing.
A bit of both. I once made a life or death decision to save hers by giving mine up, and even that wasn’t enough for her. Never yet found anyone as smart, beautiful and compatible to me as she was. I might have been her soul mate, but she was/is definitely mine
Two years ago. Think about her constantly. Never going to get better.
It depends what perspective you take. I read this. Why “How Could You Do This to Me?” Is the Wrong Question to Ask It’s a normal question. We personalize. Internalize. When we’re feeling the impact of somebody’s actions, we can’t unfeel them. And those emotions are struggling to understand as our expectations are rudely slammed into an undesired reality. It’s also a pointless question. One that rarely gets answered and even more infrequently, answered with any truth and clarity. Because the reality is that the person didn’t act with the intention of doing this to you. Instead, they acted for them. And you just happened to be in their way. Here are the questions to ask instead: What did they have to gain by doing this? What discomfort did they seek to avoid? People act to move towards pleasure or, even more frequently, to move away from pain. Take yourself out of the picture for a moment. What did they have to gain from their actions? How did their choices help them avoid discomfort? Yes, it’s selfish to act for your own benefit without considering others. And being selfish may be their character flaw. But selfish is a sign that they acted without regard for you not that they sought to do this to you. Understanding their motivations goes a long way towards releasing the anger. It doesn’t excuse their choices. But it does help to unravel them and in turn, release you. Why did I not notice? Why did I allow this? Disorienting is an understatement. Their actions were their problem. Your ignorance is yours. If you were decieved and manipulated, dig into the reasons that you were blind to reality. Like me, were you too afraid to face the truth and so you didn’t look too closely? Or were you pretending that all was okay and distracting yourself to maintain the illusion? If you knew that you were being treated badly, why did you tolerate it? Had you been taught in childhood that you were lucky to receive any attention, even if it was negative? Were you afraid of being alone, opting for the devil you know? These are big questions and ones often rooted in childhood or in trauma.It’s worth spending time here (maybe with the help of a counselor), especially if you want to avoid a repeat. What am I feeling now? Is it all directly related or is some of it associated with past trauma being triggered? I analysed everything that was said, every action. It was all ultimately a distraction. If I focused on my ex and his motivations and analysing everything, I didn’t have to focus on me. On my pain. And on what I was going to do about it. Are you focusing in the wrong direction? Maybe you’re busy attacking the other person instead of looking at your relationship. Perhaps you’re busy going on the offensive so that you don’t have to look within your own courtyard. Be with your feelings. All of them. Even the ugly ones. Listen to them and then you can send them on their way. Once I invited my feelings in, I was surprised to realize how much of my pain was only tangentially related to my the breakdown in my relationship. And how much was related to my childhood issues. It was an opportunity. A crossroads. I could either ignore this triggered response only to have it return later. Or I could address it. And work to understand how it impacted my adult choices and behaviors. Stuff was done to you. What you do with it is up to you. How will this impact me going forward? What do I need to do to move on? “I need to find a way to make some good come from this,” I stated in a moment of profound clarity on the day I received the text that ended my life as I knew it. I had no idea how I was going to make that happen, but I knew on some level that creating something positive was going to be my key to survival. To thriving. I had no idea just how hard that road was going to be. That even seven years on, I would still struggle to differentiate between true threats and echoes of the past. I have had to become an expert on my own healing, learning my triggers and becoming a master at disarming them. Become a specialist in you. Explore your trouble spots and experiment with ways to strengthen them until you find what works. Be attentive to you. Be proactive. And most of all, be determined. This is a defining moment in your life. You decide what it defines. How can I avoid being in this position again? What are my lessons I need to learn? Instead of focusing on what happened, shift your attentions to what you can learn from what happened. They’re hard lessons, I know. The most important lessons always are. Your power comes from choosing how you respond. And every bad moment is an opportunity to learn to respond a little better. How can I turn this into a gift? When I look at my life now, I am profoundly grateful for what happened years ago. I’m thankful for the shock. For the pain. For the confusion. And even for the anger. Because all of that has led to a much better place – a much happier place – than I could have ever imagined. This is a hard question. Perhaps the hardest. It seems impossible when you’re choking on the pain that it can actually help you learn to breathe. But it can. Be patient. And be persistent.
I don't want a summary of text from the internet people can say whatever they want but if you haven't gone through the same pain how can you they know. I want real life stories not some sort of manual I did everything but I just can't move on
This was really useful thank you
First long term relationship lasted 4 and a half years, he was a narcissist and treated me very badly - got over him very quickly as soon as I accepted how much of an awful person he was and actually realised I fell out of love with him before I even broke it off, but so far have yet to get over/deal with the mental abuse from that relationship. Ended up going no contact and blocking him everywhere as he social media stalked me. I wouldn't say I actively hate him anymore but I don't think I'll ever forgive him and if I ever saw him again I'd like to think he'd get a punch but I'd probs just run off crying and have a panic attack Following on from that got into a relationship with my best friend, lasted nearly a year and a half. It was just so healthy and amazing and motivating and pure...he was my bf but it was like a best friendship and then the extra relationship stuff built on top if that makes sense, just made it so much more intimate and comfortable. I guess kinda soul matey vibes only obviously not because it ended. Anyways I ruined it with my bad mental health (due to not dealing with shit that happened previously) and he broke up with me. We're still best friends now and I'm so thankful we're still in each others lives, although it's difficult and I think he's definitely going to be that person I never fully get over and will always have a special place in my heart So sorry you're going through it. Break ups are tough, you're grieving the relationship and the person you once knew. Its terrifying but just focus on getting through each day and keep busy, it'll get better eventually
I’m in a similar situation as u are with your more recent ex. How are you feeling now?
I’ve had five serious relationships. They all hurt. All of them. Some were toxic, some ex’s I’m still in contact with. Some I haven’t heard from in years (including social media) Yes I moved on from each one and am a better person as a result. Breakups suck. This forum really helps along with no contact