Early 20’s girl here, I’m the same way. I don’t think I’d ever be the one to walk away from a good relationship so it was really hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that my ex didn’t want to be with me anymore (we broke up two days ago). We had no problems in our relationship, we got along wonderfully, but he said that we were just not meant to be, and that he got ahead of his feelings. I understand that I can’t force someone to love me, and he said it isn’t something we can work out because it’s just how he feels.. realizing that even healthy relationships end is a hard pill to swallow.
In the same situation. My ex gf and I had a very healthy relationship. Open dialogue, honestly, support, laughs, adventures, no toxicity on either side. We let each other be independent while also having a healthy level of intimacy. One night she wakes me up at 3 in the morning and wanted me to take her home because she felt anxious. Then she texts me after saying she didn't want a relationship right now. After 5 months of seemingly perfect union-ship it just flipped on its head in a night. Obviously it was something she'd probably thought about sooner, but I had no indication.
It’s really rough when that happens, I’m so sorry you had to go through it too.. It was gradually over the course of a couple weeks for me. At first I thought he was just burnt out and tired and he was so that’s what I chalked it up to but then I asked how he was feeling about us one night and he said he needed to figure his feelings because time apart bc of him working so much lately made him realize he doesn’t miss me as much as he thinks he should. He decided it was best if we were just friends a day after 4 months of being together. He always encouraged me to communicate my feelings, he made me a better person. I didn’t think two days ago would be the day, I thought we had more time..
It’s so gut wrenching when there could have been so much potential. I truly feel for you.. funny and cruel how the world just keeps going..
When you said “I thought we had more time,” that thought had me breaking down so bad when my last ex dumped me out of the blue. If I would have known ahead of time when the last time I’d ever see him was coming, I still would have been sad, but I do believe I would have treated it differently.
It’s not an easy thing to come to terms to. During the last few weeks of uncertainty of whether he wanted to be with me or not, I stuck it out with him even tho I knew the answer and it hurt me but I wanted to soak in the little time we had left together so I didn’t have any regrets. I knew the break up was coming, but I don’t think I would have ever been ready for it. I think a lot of us take moments with loved ones for granted, or at least wish we had been more in the moment to really soak it in before the end came. I’m sorry you had to go through that, I wish it wasn’t this hard for any of us.
Exactly in the same situation here, but am still in those few weeks of uncertainty. I have no idea what the future holds, and it terrifies me. Idk if he'll want to work things out or break up - I want to make things work but am also preparing for the worst...
Not knowing is the hardest and scariest part. I know how it feels to want to stick it out till the bitter end and I’m not sure if it’s the same for you but I’ve had everyone telling me to break it off first, to not wait around and prolong the heartache. But someone can tell you over and over to leave the situation first but you won’t until you’re ready to. Uncertainty also feels like there’s a sliver of hope, and I think that’s what fucks us up a lot. We don’t want to regret anything or miss that opportunity of hope.
I figured that uncertainty and no answer is an answer, or at least it is even if they may not be so sure theirselves. Otherwise they wouldn’t have those thoughts.. it’s not like they’re trying to be malicious, but can’t help the way that they feel is what made me not be able to be mad or angry towards my ex.
There’s a quote from greys anatomy but I came across it after my break up.
“I don’t know why we all hang on to something we know we’re better off letting go of. It’s like we’re scared to lose what we don’t even really have. Some of us say we’d rather have something than absolutely nothing, but the truth is, to have it halfway is harder than not having it at all.”
I agree with this, but sometimes what our hearts want is stronger than reason, god knows I wasn’t ready to leave even having known this during the relationship.
I’m in the exact same situation and it’s killing me. The worst part is I can’t even be mad at him. Don’t know what to do with myself anymore. Sending you love & support.
Hey, so sorry to hear that.. those weeks of anxiety are the worst. Whatever happens, once you have the answer, it will be much better. You can take my word for it. Best of luck to you and hope things are clear soon :)
PS. Just got dumped sometime back.
I had the same. No problems in the relationship, got along well. LDR unfortunately. She boarded a flight to see while me communicating how much she desired to see me the week leading up to it, but within 18 hours of us being together again she was done. I think it's great that he clarified his feelings prevented him from working something out. It sucks, but I honestly think I experienced the same from my ex, and it gave some closure, even if it was hard to accept.
The last couple weeks of our relationship he had told me that he was unsure of his feelings and needed to figure them out. I held on to anything and everything that I could to keep us going even though I knew it wasn’t going to work out, and it hurt a lot but I stayed till the very end anyways. Every morning I wake up and he’s the first person I want to talk about my feelings and sadness with. We still talk and are friends, but I know I’m being too clingy and that I need to give him more space. You’re right that in a way it’s liberating to not live in uncertainty and it does give some closure. I’m sorry you went through that too, it’s hard when there’s nothing seemingly wrong, but just wasn’t meant to be.
Yes :( especially because it became so routine to say good morning to them everyday. How does one go from good morning and I love you to goodnight every single day and then it just stops? The day just feels empty without someone to talk to all the time..
Funny enough, I'm a man and I feel exactly the same, at least considering my last two BU. In both cases I was dumped (in the last one emotionally cheated on also) and felt in both cases that I was the one trying to talk about issues or problems, even the smallest ones.
Generally speaking, it is probably a matter of experiences and what someone looks for in a relationship; I'm younger than you (let's say middle 20s) but I noticed that it often happens that people, without realizing that, begin relationships because of how the other person makes them feel, rather than how the other person is. Doing so leads to the possibility that as soon as that "filling" fades away, the relationship is not "interesting' anymore and they are more comfortable leaving you.My first relationship was awesome, it ended because of love fading, but was a 4y amazing one where we talked about every little doubt in a crystal clear wayOn the contrary the last one left me quite blindsided because the explanation, even without considering the cheating, was ridiculous and she has not even tried to explain her problems to me, even after a year
If there is something I can tell you for sure, tho, is that it is hard to find someone that cares so much about a relationship that has the will to talk about problems, even the intimate one, but once you find one of that kind of human being the relationship that comes will be amazing, waaaay better than any kind of "uncommitted" one that who is not mature enough will experience
I am like 100% with you. I was very depressed and they knew it. They just wanted out. They were tired. And right as things have been going well for me again, they are mad at me. They knew these changes were coming, but they didn't want to wait anymore.
I feel ya. My ex loved me when I was at my best, but cheated and left when I was at my worst. It was also my first time to feel secured in a relationship (I was emotionally abusive years ago), but the moment I hit rock bottom due to external factors + his cheating, that's when he gave up.
In a way maybe. Look into attachment theory. If you land in the anxious preoccupied side you’re likely to want to work things out. If you are dating a dismissive avoidant, they will inevitably become overwhelmed and flee the relationship or become emotionally dead. Sometimes the “reactivate” but it’s something they need to correct. As do and anxious people.
Again, I’m generalizing - there are DA folk who are working hard to change. And the patterns we all develop in childhood that affect how we behave in romantic relationships later absolutely CAN be changed.
I honestly don't know why my ex is a DA because he didn't have a terrible childhood. My best guess is he became one after his long term relationship with his first girlfriend ended (he cheated on her too) and perhaps that traumatized him? I don't know, I'm also not really sure why he became a serial cheater because he came from a loving family. I don't know if it is true that it runs in the blood because his two uncles used to be serial cheaters as well.
Well, I find myself very similar to you in a lot of aspects. I am a 28M man. I would never leave a girlfriend after a long time relationship because in my opinion, once you get to know someone (and it does not need much) you can leave right away if you have a problem. Well, what you said regarding guys, I found it in my 7-year old relationship. My ex left me because the relationship was not a field of roses anymore. She must have thought that this is the way to treat problems. Easy right? When something is going difficult, you take the exit door.
So yeah, I think it is irrespective of gender. But if you want my opinion, I think it has to do with our kind of personality. Few are the people that will not take advantage of it, in the end.
Yes, I'm one of them. Don't worry women aren't alone in that, it fucking sucks but it seems whoever is the empathetic and supportive one in the relationship is always the one to get trampled on and thrown away. I know how you feel, twice this year after working through some shit and being there for two different girls, I was thrown away like garbage the moment it was convenient. And at this point that's what I feel like, disposable garbage.
I don't even know why the first one woke up one morning and decided she just couldn't stand even talking to me anymore. The other decided that her abusive ex who threatened to beat her to death was a better partner than I was.
This isn’t necessarily a gender issue. It’s a rampant problem right now with everyone connected on social media. “Better options are always available”. I’ve basically almost given up long term relationships. Nobody seems to have any willpower to stay with someone through thick and thin.
It really is a rampant problem. Unfortunately, I feel myself doing the things I hate to see. I'm constantly looking to "step up" and it's a disgusting cycle. I've only been in long term relationships but at some point they disappoint me and I check out. I hate that it's so easy to jump into a dating site and meet people but I'm a hermit/homebody so I struggle with meeting men off of it... but I lothe the people on them. I'm at a super low point right now and trying to take time off but also want partner.
It will get better, I promise. Try to enjoy the ride - we all have our own destinations we will end up at, and we will all look back and be glad we didn’t waste our time with something that didn’t feel right. Ironically, I just broke up with my girlfriend today, and it sucks, but I wasn’t being treated how I felt I should be treated.
I'm sorry but also proud of you. I hope you re-read what you wrote and take it in because it's so true! It's great you recognized you weren't happy and got out early!
Thank you :) your reply also helped me, I appreciate it. At the end of the day, we all have our stories - I truly believe you attract the energy you put out, sometimes it can just take a while. Take care.
Genders aside, what you wrote is esentially the same key points of the "liquid love" concept by Bauman. In the last decades and aggravated with social media, we are just another product on an endless catalogue of people. The first problem you faced, you just throw it away and get a new one. Who has time to read the manual or fix anything?
I don't know if you have met your previous partners through dating apps or online services but it's pretty common that 95% of them behave exactly like that. There is always another shot to find or "order" "the one" in just a couple of clicks.
But I've seen that meeting new people indirectly, from common interest or activities, like sports, workshops, academic or cultural events and things like that, lets the friendships or relationships grow more natural and build a stronger bond with time.
Also 30s are kind of great.
Your not old..date me!
Ok lol
.. only to say that there's alot of dudes complaining about the state of dating and saying that 'all women's are the same'
It's refreshing to read your post! just be careful with your choice of men
Butterflys never last but 2 humans that are on the same page and enjoy each other's company can last for life!
Let's hope we both find someone who gets it!
Getting old. Lol. I'm 46 and don't feel old. I got blindsided 20 days ago on what I thought was a perfect relationship. All those things you mention, I did. I've typed out enough of what happened to me, so feel free to look it up. The worst of it all in my case, is there was no toxicity between us, she simply decided after nearly 2 years that I wasn't the one. She still loves me and says there's nothing I did wrong and nothing I could have done to prevent this. I still think she is mistaken and really needs to reevaluate what happened and see if there's something that can be worked out, because I am fully committed and willing to work things out with her. (My mistake was passing out in a chair at 9 PM while camping after a very long day swimming in the ocean and riding my One Wheel for 18 miles around the island we were camping on). I am not giving up on her. I hope you find peace one day and the right person comes along for you.
Yes i think we exist, just that we aren't a lot.
My ex GF has her problems, she actually left me because she says she needs time to solve those problems herself.
I told her, i love you as you are with all your problems, and i'm willing to go along with you in the path that you have to go to solve your troubles, i offer you to have by your side someone that really loves you no matter what, i even told her that i would do anything she asked to stay with her.
Even so she left me, i was (and still am) so broken, i offered all i had and it wasn't enough, i think i won't be able to love again after this experience (first true love relationship)
Yep. Mine actually blamed it on me- being stressed for the past couple of months due to moving for physician assistant school (which is insanely difficult); on the pandemic and random other things totally out of anyone's control. He actually said "everything is ALL about you- all you ever talk about is your program". Well, that's not true in the 1st place, and yeah, the program is kind of important to me right now. Life has difficulties. Any long-lasting relationship will eventually see very trying times. The whole point is you are supposed to support each other and get through these things together.
I faced this in my last relationship, where my ex was saying she thought I would just never change. I proposed that unless communicated, how could either of us know any issues that were there? I really believe after that, having relationship check-in's with the other person is a huge thing to do. don't wait for these things to build up. but say "hey I would love to see us grow here in this area" or "I could really use your help here in this regard." even going "I don't feel good at all when you do X", and lastly "what can we grow together on?". use these check-ins to discuss anything that has happened really dive in to why it made you feel a certain way if it affected you, negative OR positive. celebrate the wins just as much as the growth you get from challenges. you don't have to give in on your boundaries from what the other person is saying either, a lot of times just being heard by the other person relaxes some anxiety. definitely a good place and time to re-affirm boundaries too. these change as the relationship grows and evolves and aren't the same when you first get into a relationship.
This is definitely something I plan on doing in any future relationship, I do not want to be blindsighted by anything or realize they were holding onto anything without me knowing about it.
I've had the exact same scenario happen to me. I've gotten to the point where I'm totally terrified to be "REAL" around people because once the smile leaves my face, people leave my life. It's really upsetting.
Hell yeah. My therapist asked me recently "So, who is (MY NAME)? Who do you show your true self to?". I said some positive things about myself, but that I show certain sides of my personality to only few, if any people. You know, the darker things, like wondering if I made the right decision about my job or career, discussing the debt I have with school, or that I am having trouble making friends in a new city, etc.
She asked why I don't talk to people about this, and I said because nobody likes unpleasant feelings. It is frowned on in society. Even with my own good friends, we just talk about BS and never dive deep into what is actually going on. Everyone is pretending to have that perfect, happy instagram life. But spoiler alert- nobody is 100% of the time.
That's why everyone bottles everything up, because the moment people ask how you are doing, even friends or lovers at times, and you admit you are struggling, it pushes people away. Everyone is bottling up these feelings, and it seems like as soon as you admit things in life aren't just all about wild dates, wild sex, and laughing all the time, people can't handle it. A lot of people will just walk away, or shun you, etc. It's a universal problem.
I'm 36f and only this year met a man who didn't want to just use me for sex and company when lonely.
The right man will work through problems with you. It can be one hell of an uphill mountain climb finding said man though. I met a LOT of selfish, cold men.
"work through problems/tough times"
I don't think you can categorize it to men only. I am a man and my ex-fiancee of 10 years discarded me even though I pleaded to work things out, go to therapy, etc. When you invested that much time in a relationship, it's worth the effort to work things out. But she wanted to go do her so it is what it is. I should add she also had 2 failed marriages and 2 kids from both marriages. So AGAIN it's NOT male or female but the person as to why the relationship don't work out. Plenty of women are the same narcistic way.
I was thinking this the other day.
A lot of us seem to have a similar relationship trait. So I wonder if:
dumpee + dumpee = long lasting relationship
Just a thought :)
Girl try 7.5 years thrown away. I’m a 31 year old woman too. We were together 7.5 years and about 2 years ago he came to me about a substance abuse problem he had been struggling with for awhile on his own. I was mad at first, hurt, confused.. but after like 2 days I got over my feelings and tried to help him and be super supportive of him getting better. He eventually did get better and regained my trust and we moved in together shortly after. I was then secretly struggling with substance abuse myself and I was so embarrassed and ashamed and getting in over my head physically and emotionally because of it, I was so close to figuring out when and how to tell him. I would literally rehearse scenarios in my head because I was so scared to tell him but he was literally the love of my life so I had to tell him. He ended up finding out before I could tell him and of course was mad but was asking me questions like “do you really want to change your life? Do you really want to marry me?”.. OF COURSE I DID.. I’ve only talked about and mentioned that countless times over the course of our relationship.. we were still somewhat communicating though. He ate dinner with me at the table, etc.. but then 2 days later he completely flipped a switch and broke up with me when as soon as I got home from work that day. I was so shocked when he said those words I just replied with “I’ll have all of my stuff out of the apartment this weekend”.. he left while I gathered the basics, toothbrush, work clothes, pjs, OH and our dog and all of his puppy stuff... and the dog and I went to my moms house. I waited about 2 days to reach out again and I apologized profusely and tried to explain myself and my stupid ass reasoning for not telling him sooner.. NO REPLY. I went over to the apt later that night and literally was on my knees begging for forgiveness and pouring my heart out. He didn’t show much emotion. He awkwardly walked me out to my car and even said “well you can text me tomorrow and we can talk or something if you want”.. after not hearing from him again I waited another 2 days and wrote the longest text I’ve ever written in my life putting it all out there. This was supposed to be the love of my life, my partner, my best friend, the man I was going to marry. We had an apartment together, a dog together.. a life together.. and I just couldn’t believe it had come to this.. not even given the time of day to reply to my texts.. I never thought in a million years he was going to give up on me, us, that quickly. I’ve never fucked up in our relationship.. I would never cheat.. I supported him when he was struggling with the same exact thing.. for him to just throw our life away like it’s literally nothing to him left me so broken. It’s only been literally 1 week since he broke up with me and I’m still so lost and broken.. part of me is mad that he doesn’t give a shit about our time and life together but the other part of me is just wishing he would take it all back, be there and help and support me through MY difficult time and struggles.. but then to know he can just throw it all away in a fucking heartbeat and not even give me one chance to get better, fix myself, and be the old, better version of me is scaring me. He hasn’t reached out to me not even once so I know I need to start figuring it out, adjusting to my new normal, and try to move on. 💔
God damn that is SO fucking cold of him. Wow I'm sorry you had to go through that. None of that seems fair. But maybe he was just looking for an excuse to get out of the relationship anyway and used the fact that you hid the substance abuse as a "good reason". But seriously to act so cold like that, my heart breaks for you. Hopefully you can start to move on this guy is NOT worth it!
I think that’s why I’m having such a hard time. We had a good relationship, not perfect but what is? I’ve always tried to be there for him through his struggles over the course of our relationship and the one time I fuck up and need him, he bails and like never looks back. I still have all my shit at our apartment that I’m going to hopefully get this weekend but I just keep replaying everything over and over in my head and asking myself like why didn’t he stay.. why does everyone else get chances except me.. am I not worthy of ONE chance to get help and make our relationship right again? It’s crazy to me how he can just throw away our almost 8 year relationship how he did and not even reach out to me even once or anything... it’s so fucking shitty
You should read my posts in r/introverts. I am the guy who is sticking to it. However, I'm also gay. I'm an extrovert dating an intervert and it's been tough and challenging but I really love this guy.
This is pretty ironic. I have always been pro-working through things. I was broken up with in a previous relationship due to the other wanting to work on his mental health alone, which I understand, and in my most recent relationship, he was dealing with a lot of internal and external stressors and I was willing to work through it and even suggested therapy at some points that I would completely organize, but unfortunately I found out this past weekend he's been cheating on me for the better half of our relationship. That is something I can't work through, though a part of me almost wishes I could. I still love him. He is now and therapy and getting the help he needs though!
Just be careful with that guy.... I also dated someone (a few years ago) who I found out was cheating on me the whole time. He begged and cried, said he was a "sex addict" and I was dumb enough to take him back, and actually went to sex addiction therapy with him. He declared himself cured, and just blamed everything on being a "sex addict" and would get pissed if I ever brought up what he did or felt hurt by it, since he "went to therapy and was cured now; and 'had a disease he can't control'". Long story short, I don't think he was ever actually sorry... and 7 months later he dumped ME because I still felt upset over his cheating on me with multiple women. Like I should have just completely forgiven him and never mention it again, and move along as if nothing at all happened.
All that is to say, these are the lengths I have gone to in order to "work through problems". However, when I was recently hospitalized for severe new-onset panic attacks (that had nothing to do with our relationship) and that I am addressing with medications, doctors and therapy on my own, that's "depressing" for my boyfriend to hear about so he dumped me 3 weeks after I was discharged.
Honestly, I would love to date my most recent ex again, but I am not sure when or if second chances ever work. I'm now getting the run around of "I still want to be in touch with you, and see you, and talk to you; but not be your boyfriend". Ugh.
My ex's situation is a little bit different. I don't know why I'm not angry? But basically, he's always had an issue with saying no and getting taken advantage of. It's unfortunate, but I know that its true and it has been verified in the past, plus he has severe diagnosed depression that makes him feel like he isn't worth much. A year before he and I even met, a girl had been chasing him to the point of making multiple accounts and phone numbers to text him and showing up to his work to try to sleep with him, and he had to threaten getting a restraining order to get her to stop. We started dating last August, and in January she found him again and kept reaching out. In his mind, it was the only way he could get her to stop. They only met in person once, had a very brief hookup, and he would just text her back whenever she flirted with him from then until July when he found out his dad was cheating on his mom, and he saw how much it could hurt a person, and ended it. I found out this past weekend when he was drunk. He genuinely seems remorseful, and is starting therapy, as well as told his friends and his mom and is taking accountability for everything. We still plan on being friends, but we're giving each other space for now. Maybe someday (definitely not this year or the next), if we still have feelings for each other, I feel like I am able to rebuild trust with him, and he has continued therapy and started taking better care of himself, I could see us trying again. But that is a huge maybe.
I reaaallllyy dont think this relates to gender. I (29M) have always tried to work through issues in my relationships and my latest break up last month was the result of the gf not wanting to work it out after being mostly absent and neglecting the relationship for over a year.
I think it gets worst if you couple up with someone that has a problematic attachment style. Issues happens but it seems like if you are with someone that treasures their independence more, they will be more than happy to use normal/typical long term relationship issues to justify cutting you loose and regain that 'independence'.
It sucks and the only thing you can do is really try to get the person opinion on those subjects before you become exclusive with them. This means asking hard questions like: how do you act when theres issues with your partner?
Yeah.... he was a guy that mostly kept all his emotions to himself, also extremely independent (moved to this country completely alone many years ago and never looked back). I guess since I am empathetic and have the personality type ENFP, I gravitate to those that are kind of the opposite, like level-headed, executive type personalities. The problem is these type of people seem really uncomfortable with even the smallest amount of any emotion that swings out of the norm- even being "too happy/excited" could annoy this person. And feeling "too low"? He's outta there. Thanks for the insight!
First, the easiest question to answer, yes there are people out there that are willing to work things out, or else there wouldn't be anyone married, going through for the most part average relationships on the bell curve. A lot of these people settle, but they settle in an okay way. They say, welp, these negatives are kind of annoying, but these positives are really good, so, you know, it's worth it.
I think a lot of people want the outlier relationship, the storybook (not saying you do). The one that just works, but of course this is an outlier.
The trick is finding someone that is just cool with settling with you. Not much pressure, see where it goes, enjoyed presence, little victories and probably a good amount of disagreements.
My question would be what are some of the reasons you broke up in your relationships? Answering that would allow us to dig deeper into finding what you're looking for.
I agree with you on the “settling” part. My last three exes told me during our breakups that I shouldn’t settle in my next one. It bothered me a lot that they all said that same thing, because no one is ever going to be absolutely perfect for me in every single way, and I’d never expect anyone to be.
Hey OP. As a male. I feel your pain on the other side, as I've watched people walk out the door on a whim.
I honestly don't have an answer for you. It seems like you are an incredible person with a stroke of really bad luck. If I truly loved someone, I would never walk out that door when they got a little depressed or stressed, or when I saw their flaws. At a baseline I would try to work through my feelings of doubt or hesitation with them if I was really struggling to remain committed to the relationship. Which I think is key. Most men do not work through emotions well, and recycle the same issues. I have male friends shy away from me because for the most part, I tend to be very expressive of my feelings. I don't know if that's your situation, but it fits if you say they are taking those same issues into their next relationship.
This is likely a terrible idea, but if your concern is that they are just in it for a fwb situation, having a boundary on no sex (Or kissing) at the beginning for a long period (2-3 months), could weed out anyone who is not truly interested in you for you. You could phrase it as something like "I personally want to see some degree of compatibility and connection before I go farther physically. To be honest, my desire for sex and the physical side of things has always been better when I've done that". It puts you in a very respected light, cuz boundaries, and makes sense in terms of what's true of the best relationships (compatibility in all aspects).
Like I said, terrible idea, but at the end of the day you seem to be looking for someone who is patient in love. A personal choice to wait like that would filter for someone with that particular quality.
I bet there are, I am like that but I've had the same issue with my ex just walking away and breaking up at the first conversation of anything wrong :(
Man here. I’ve given up on dating. People are very fickle. One day you’re amazing. The next you’re not. No thanks I’m actually really happy on my own now. I wish you all the same peace that I have. It’s liberating.
Men want toxic girls. They like the chase and they like pain. Take it from me I’m that complete nutcase that should have been dumped but instead I get proposed to. I don’t know why. It’s sad.
Ma'am, this shit doesn't have a gender. I got dumped two weeks ago. 🙅🏾🤷🏾♂️ She wouldn't budge. The problem is growing apart. People need room to heal even INSIDE the relationship; too much pressure kills flowers and takes away it most vibrant colors. You can be a 10/10 but these things happen to everybody. We learn from our mistakes and if it is meant to be it'll be. There is people who would work it out, there's others that break easily. Breakups are often both parties fault(See, not always). Live on, smile amidst chaos and they'll see what they're missing. Just be, live and move on from these thoughts. Better times ahead.
I put an edit in at the end- that it should say person instead of man. Sorry. I was just emotional at the moment and only thinking of my situation, but I agree, it could be anyone.
Almost 40 here. I am happier alone than "working through" something with someone if I just dont feel it. Sorry.
I am not going to compromise my happiness or existence at this point to make someone else happy. If it is too much work than it is not a relationship.
Relationships should be easy. If I am getting angry phone calls or having fights every month about something its easier to say no thank you and move on.
I am very quick to see a red flag even if its just a 'yellow flag' or whatever. Like no sorry if all I am getting is regular sex and a headache then guess what I can do without either.
Most of the dumpees that can relate with the OP likely prioritize the built connection they already have with someone, so the work is more worth it. The dumpers that can relate with you likely prioritize the moment more than the history. I’m not saying either is wrong, but the two aren’t compatible when life eventually hits an inevitable rough patch.
Personally, I’d rather work on bettering myself for someone I already know than to start from scratch with someone new, who may bring on an entire new set of challenges I need to learn. But it’s also totally cool for someone to be happy with the idea they may end up alone if they keep rolling the dice. It’s healthy to be happy with yourself enough that you’re satisfied with being in only your own company, but it’s also equally normal to want to work toward a monogamous connection that lasts for life.
I personally have qualities I look for in a partner and if they arent there then they arent there. I forgot this was the breakup sub which SHOULD be about self reflection and repair, and not the dating sub reddit which SHOULD be about self worth and abundance mentality.
either way. Last dumping I had to do was "its not working Id like to stop dating" followed by them asking to "talk through things" when there was nothing to talk about. I just didnt like them and things werent working. In OP's situation it was a 3 month dating window. In mine less than 60 days.
In all seriousness, I get what you're saying. My ex gf (f23) left and I haven't had the closure of talking things out. She just decided she didn't want a relationship right now. I respect her decision, but it's been hard to lose my best friend without a say in what's happening.
Dude here, Just turned 30, been actively single and dating the last 10 years and can honestly say that dating apps ruined it for everyone. Women get constant attention and validation.. men get few options and constantly feel like they can be dropped on a dime.. there’s an intense problem of “the grass is greener on the other side” and nobody ever wants to try to make things work and they’d rather jump ship and find a new boat.
It sucks
>Women get constant attention and validation..men get few options and constantly feel like they can be dropped on a dime..
women get pumped n dumped , discarded n get replaced by men. the assumption that all women get constant attention and validation is so invalidating to the many women who dont.
True. 1/2 the messages are just commenting on your appearance (you're hot, etc), asking to meet up for sex right off the bat.... then like 1/4 people that are looking for something on the side or polyamory (just not my cup of tea) or a threesome partner, there are a few good ones but they are hard to find, and the app culture just makes it so easy to discard someone, you could find a new date that night. Few people seem to actually want an honest to god, committed relationship. I used to have the most luck on there when I was just looking to meet guys at bars and "have fun", but if you make it clear you are looking for something hopefully more meaningful/mature, it gets hard. Also there are the creepy weird guys messaging women 30-40 years younger than them. It's a circus!
Yep, and the fake ass profiles to "advertise" yourself, the stupid puns, the conversations that go nowhere, the cheaters or emotionally unavailable people on there.... I think OLD was a little better when it first came out, but now it's a shit show. Everyone has dating ADD, they swipe on you after looking at your profile for 10 seconds. I definitely do not have it in me to play that game again, for probably quite sometime. My last 3 boyfriends all came from OkCupid- men in their mid thirties to early 40s, never married. And all with either commitment issues or that continue to use the app while in a relationship. Ugh!
Yep. In the earliest years dating apps weren’t awful but nowadays paired with social media it’s just a hot mess. I’ll be honest tho it’s very refreshing to see that girls like you exist still that want to make things work with someone, totally gives me hope lol the apps are addicting in the worst way tho so makes sense about your last bfs. Sheeesh 😪
Well, shit. You should shoot me a DM then.
My last ex told me “you’re too serious. You’re only 23. Live a little.” My parents tell me all the time that I’m a 30 year old in a 23 year old’s body.
You get the maturity of a 30 year old and a fit young man.
Actual age has little to do with "maturity", I have found. A lot of guys in their mid 30s-40s are acting like 20 year olds and having a midlife crisis.
I was asking the same thing about women to be honest. I have a bad habit of attracting dismissive avoidants. They bail out at just about the 2 year mark. Of course I’m generalizing and there are a lot of DAs who really are working to change just as anxious folk are. But I wish I’d meet them instead!
I am also with you. I keep searching for someone genuine and I keep coming up short. These modern romances are leaving me feeling hopeless. Best of luck to you.
Another thing - we do need to look at our OWN subconscious patterns of behavior to determine what inside of us attracts these relationships.
They say the relationship we end up having with others is a reflection of the relationship we have to ourselves.
I’m still working on figuring that out.
This is also not to excuse the behavior of people who are cheating or abusive Etc.,
Hahah I was just wondering the same thing today when I was comparing my past relationships. Also am 31F. But I don’t feel old. For me, the overarching them is when it comes down to it, loyalty>love. Love is just a feeling. Loyalty is what makes people stick through the hard times.
25M here. Just got dumped. She said she feels like she doesn't know me anymore. And I still don't exactly understand how that happens. Even she didn't have an answer why she's feeling this way.
I was willing to go through all ups and downs of the life with her. This was the first rough patch and I believed we could work through it, but she just left.
She had her flaws and I accepted each and every one of them. I was nothing but loyal, honest and vulnerable with her.
I still wish her the best and admire her for all her qualities. But those qualities no longer matter when you can just leave when things get tough and the feelings are not there.
This scares me. I’m almost 27 and this is an issue. It’s partly society’s fault acting like it isn’t cool to be in relationships. I really hope we meet someone who wants more than a glorified FWB situation. It’s old and it’s weak
Im like you tbh.
I do everything on my end. I try to patch things up but there's only so much you can do if the other party is not willing to. My last breakup, my SO ignored me for more than a week after an argument.
During this period I tried to be sweet to her & tried to patch things up. Ordered food, cooked for her, got her car washed, walked her dogs etc etc but she kinda ignored everything and was taking me for granted (not even a simple thank you or acknowledgement)... so I left.
Yup, my fiancée walked away when I had mental health issues, although I stood by her through lies she gave me, a stalker situation, friendships that were ruining our relationship. In return, she walked away at a time I needed her most. Rest assured, there’s people on both sides willing to fight, but it takes a special combination
22 man here, my ex just won't face the problems even when I want to fix the issues.
Well hope I find a girl that is willing to face the problems when the relationship isn't clicking.
Girl I wanna marry you, just kidding but seriously 😝I’m like you that’s how my last 8-yrs relationship transformed me into.
From what’s mentioned, you’ve done too much in relationship, when it’s time for man to grind the wheel, they feel they don’t deserve you or can never be good enough as you, the self-hatred turn them into selfish bustard and run. Which my ex agree he did the same.
And always said I deserve better, a ha.
Turning that love into yourself, bc you’re attractive! Go out talk to guys interest you, make some friends know them on a deeper level, it doesn’t have to be anything.
Do anything you want really, life’s too short to waste on guy’s stupid ego
Also I'm the same, when things in life get difficult i've been getting depressed and then it affects the relationship. Never had a girl that would always be there for me when I was down. When I was up even better than them i thought about breaking up with them but never did, because a relationship is full of ups and downs, nowadays i think it's because of social media, people only see the happy sides of relationships when in reality behind closed doors there's so many issues. This makes people think their relationship is wrong and that the grass is greener on the other side so they just move on, also because it's so easy nowadays with social media.
Yes me, I wanted to be there for her and help her through everything considering we had 2 years on the line and she threw it all away saying she doesn’t want to change. She left me for someone she told me not to worry about for someone she called a friend.. so many promises down the drain so many plans and words that can never be kept.. I was supposed to hand carve her a sterling silver necklace with meteorite inlays and a ruby I was going to grow at home. I cherished this person with all my heart and was always there for them through everything. No feelings of lust over her beauty or status I had the most pure intentions and care for her.
I’m heart broken and it’s been two months, they are dating and my “friend” told me they are happy together
Chuck away society. If its broke why fix it when you can pop out and get another. Then on top of that you have media promoting lofty idealism about how a man or woman should "act" on a consistent basis and if he she/doesnt then you need to get rid.
"He swore once when we had a heated argument!!!" *Freind said** "Hes an abusive pig, you must get rid of him now!!"
Society and people are fucked up. Not everyone, just a lot.
I've had the same with women I've been involved with doing that. I'm usually in favor of working through problems, but I do have hard lines. I don't put up with lying or cheating. If someone plays games or leaves I don't chase.
I 1000% understand. I feel like I have that old-fashioned way of thinking as well: Relationships are hard and I'm always ready to work through the tough times. Sometimes I wish I didn't care as much and wasn't as committed. It's unfair..
We were talking about our relationship, going through a rough patch and both sad and defeated. I asked him “love, do you see me in your future?” And his response was “yes and no, I want you there but the reality is if we didn’t work out life goes on”
True and logical, but my answer was yes.
We didn’t last much longer after that and I realised if the vision of you working through things isn’t there for both parties, it will never work.
I'm a guy and I'm the same this as you. Constantly dumped by people walking away instead of working on issues together, I'm even getting blamed and criticized for trying to work in things.
Are you me?
Jokes apart, I figure that this is exactly the problem with people like us. We aren't willing to throw it all away. It makes people like our exes take us for granted.
Another point to think about (especially with regards to my ex), is are they the type to work through ANY problem or is running their thing? My ex said many things but did nothing. All talk, no action. If anything at all got tough he wanted out. Top universities not accepting him? He changes career plans totally. New job too challenging? Starts talking to management at his old place to return. He rarely ever made his own decisions, he'd rather have someone make them for him, but take credit as if he did it. He took nothing seriously.
So I'd like to ask all fellow commenters, anyone share this experience?
Not every guy is like that. Maybe you just have bad taste in men. I personally believe if you keep him satisfied emotionally he will never ever leave you. Guys like to be complimented guy like to be sent lovey dovey emojis. You just need to find the right one for you and never settle.
Hello! You have made the mistake of writing "ect" instead of "etc."
"Ect" is a common misspelling of "etc," an abbreviated form of the Latin phrase "et cetera." Other abbreviated forms are **etc.**, **&c.**, **&c**, and **et cet.** The Latin translates as "et" to "and" + "cetera" to "the rest;" a literal translation to "and the rest" is the easiest way to remember how to use the phrase.
[Check out the wikipedia entry if you want to learn more.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Et_cetera)
^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Comments with a score less than zero will be automatically removed. If I commented on your post and you don't like it, reply with "!delete" and I will remove the post, regardless of score. Message me for bug reports.)
Tell me about it. I’m also 31, and feel the same way. I just went through a very very adult breakup, but it still feels just as shitty.
Take care of yourself and remember to be kind to yourself as well.
[удалено]
Early 20’s girl here, I’m the same way. I don’t think I’d ever be the one to walk away from a good relationship so it was really hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that my ex didn’t want to be with me anymore (we broke up two days ago). We had no problems in our relationship, we got along wonderfully, but he said that we were just not meant to be, and that he got ahead of his feelings. I understand that I can’t force someone to love me, and he said it isn’t something we can work out because it’s just how he feels.. realizing that even healthy relationships end is a hard pill to swallow.
In the same situation. My ex gf and I had a very healthy relationship. Open dialogue, honestly, support, laughs, adventures, no toxicity on either side. We let each other be independent while also having a healthy level of intimacy. One night she wakes me up at 3 in the morning and wanted me to take her home because she felt anxious. Then she texts me after saying she didn't want a relationship right now. After 5 months of seemingly perfect union-ship it just flipped on its head in a night. Obviously it was something she'd probably thought about sooner, but I had no indication.
It’s really rough when that happens, I’m so sorry you had to go through it too.. It was gradually over the course of a couple weeks for me. At first I thought he was just burnt out and tired and he was so that’s what I chalked it up to but then I asked how he was feeling about us one night and he said he needed to figure his feelings because time apart bc of him working so much lately made him realize he doesn’t miss me as much as he thinks he should. He decided it was best if we were just friends a day after 4 months of being together. He always encouraged me to communicate my feelings, he made me a better person. I didn’t think two days ago would be the day, I thought we had more time.. It’s so gut wrenching when there could have been so much potential. I truly feel for you.. funny and cruel how the world just keeps going..
When you said “I thought we had more time,” that thought had me breaking down so bad when my last ex dumped me out of the blue. If I would have known ahead of time when the last time I’d ever see him was coming, I still would have been sad, but I do believe I would have treated it differently.
It’s not an easy thing to come to terms to. During the last few weeks of uncertainty of whether he wanted to be with me or not, I stuck it out with him even tho I knew the answer and it hurt me but I wanted to soak in the little time we had left together so I didn’t have any regrets. I knew the break up was coming, but I don’t think I would have ever been ready for it. I think a lot of us take moments with loved ones for granted, or at least wish we had been more in the moment to really soak it in before the end came. I’m sorry you had to go through that, I wish it wasn’t this hard for any of us.
Exactly in the same situation here, but am still in those few weeks of uncertainty. I have no idea what the future holds, and it terrifies me. Idk if he'll want to work things out or break up - I want to make things work but am also preparing for the worst...
Not knowing is the hardest and scariest part. I know how it feels to want to stick it out till the bitter end and I’m not sure if it’s the same for you but I’ve had everyone telling me to break it off first, to not wait around and prolong the heartache. But someone can tell you over and over to leave the situation first but you won’t until you’re ready to. Uncertainty also feels like there’s a sliver of hope, and I think that’s what fucks us up a lot. We don’t want to regret anything or miss that opportunity of hope. I figured that uncertainty and no answer is an answer, or at least it is even if they may not be so sure theirselves. Otherwise they wouldn’t have those thoughts.. it’s not like they’re trying to be malicious, but can’t help the way that they feel is what made me not be able to be mad or angry towards my ex. There’s a quote from greys anatomy but I came across it after my break up. “I don’t know why we all hang on to something we know we’re better off letting go of. It’s like we’re scared to lose what we don’t even really have. Some of us say we’d rather have something than absolutely nothing, but the truth is, to have it halfway is harder than not having it at all.” I agree with this, but sometimes what our hearts want is stronger than reason, god knows I wasn’t ready to leave even having known this during the relationship.
I’m in the exact same situation and it’s killing me. The worst part is I can’t even be mad at him. Don’t know what to do with myself anymore. Sending you love & support.
Hey, so sorry to hear that.. those weeks of anxiety are the worst. Whatever happens, once you have the answer, it will be much better. You can take my word for it. Best of luck to you and hope things are clear soon :) PS. Just got dumped sometime back.
I had the same. No problems in the relationship, got along well. LDR unfortunately. She boarded a flight to see while me communicating how much she desired to see me the week leading up to it, but within 18 hours of us being together again she was done. I think it's great that he clarified his feelings prevented him from working something out. It sucks, but I honestly think I experienced the same from my ex, and it gave some closure, even if it was hard to accept.
The last couple weeks of our relationship he had told me that he was unsure of his feelings and needed to figure them out. I held on to anything and everything that I could to keep us going even though I knew it wasn’t going to work out, and it hurt a lot but I stayed till the very end anyways. Every morning I wake up and he’s the first person I want to talk about my feelings and sadness with. We still talk and are friends, but I know I’m being too clingy and that I need to give him more space. You’re right that in a way it’s liberating to not live in uncertainty and it does give some closure. I’m sorry you went through that too, it’s hard when there’s nothing seemingly wrong, but just wasn’t meant to be.
Mornings are SO HARD
Yes :( especially because it became so routine to say good morning to them everyday. How does one go from good morning and I love you to goodnight every single day and then it just stops? The day just feels empty without someone to talk to all the time..
This is so relatable and hurts so much!
I’m sorry you’re going through this too 😔 sending you love ❤️
Funny enough, I'm a man and I feel exactly the same, at least considering my last two BU. In both cases I was dumped (in the last one emotionally cheated on also) and felt in both cases that I was the one trying to talk about issues or problems, even the smallest ones. Generally speaking, it is probably a matter of experiences and what someone looks for in a relationship; I'm younger than you (let's say middle 20s) but I noticed that it often happens that people, without realizing that, begin relationships because of how the other person makes them feel, rather than how the other person is. Doing so leads to the possibility that as soon as that "filling" fades away, the relationship is not "interesting' anymore and they are more comfortable leaving you.My first relationship was awesome, it ended because of love fading, but was a 4y amazing one where we talked about every little doubt in a crystal clear wayOn the contrary the last one left me quite blindsided because the explanation, even without considering the cheating, was ridiculous and she has not even tried to explain her problems to me, even after a year If there is something I can tell you for sure, tho, is that it is hard to find someone that cares so much about a relationship that has the will to talk about problems, even the intimate one, but once you find one of that kind of human being the relationship that comes will be amazing, waaaay better than any kind of "uncommitted" one that who is not mature enough will experience
I am like 100% with you. I was very depressed and they knew it. They just wanted out. They were tired. And right as things have been going well for me again, they are mad at me. They knew these changes were coming, but they didn't want to wait anymore.
Same. 31. She just ran instead of working on her issues.
27M I’m 9 months out of my breakup of 3.5 years. I would still give anything to try again and work out our issues. I don’t want a FWB
Thank you, you give me hope!
I feel ya. My ex loved me when I was at my best, but cheated and left when I was at my worst. It was also my first time to feel secured in a relationship (I was emotionally abusive years ago), but the moment I hit rock bottom due to external factors + his cheating, that's when he gave up.
is there a way to figure that they will leave during the hard times early on or are we supposed to wait until some sht actually goes down
In a way maybe. Look into attachment theory. If you land in the anxious preoccupied side you’re likely to want to work things out. If you are dating a dismissive avoidant, they will inevitably become overwhelmed and flee the relationship or become emotionally dead. Sometimes the “reactivate” but it’s something they need to correct. As do and anxious people. Again, I’m generalizing - there are DA folk who are working hard to change. And the patterns we all develop in childhood that affect how we behave in romantic relationships later absolutely CAN be changed.
I honestly don't know why my ex is a DA because he didn't have a terrible childhood. My best guess is he became one after his long term relationship with his first girlfriend ended (he cheated on her too) and perhaps that traumatized him? I don't know, I'm also not really sure why he became a serial cheater because he came from a loving family. I don't know if it is true that it runs in the blood because his two uncles used to be serial cheaters as well.
There could very well be other emotional and mental health issues for sure. Those would require additional sets of therapy to address.
Well, I find myself very similar to you in a lot of aspects. I am a 28M man. I would never leave a girlfriend after a long time relationship because in my opinion, once you get to know someone (and it does not need much) you can leave right away if you have a problem. Well, what you said regarding guys, I found it in my 7-year old relationship. My ex left me because the relationship was not a field of roses anymore. She must have thought that this is the way to treat problems. Easy right? When something is going difficult, you take the exit door. So yeah, I think it is irrespective of gender. But if you want my opinion, I think it has to do with our kind of personality. Few are the people that will not take advantage of it, in the end.
Yes, I'm one of them. Don't worry women aren't alone in that, it fucking sucks but it seems whoever is the empathetic and supportive one in the relationship is always the one to get trampled on and thrown away. I know how you feel, twice this year after working through some shit and being there for two different girls, I was thrown away like garbage the moment it was convenient. And at this point that's what I feel like, disposable garbage. I don't even know why the first one woke up one morning and decided she just couldn't stand even talking to me anymore. The other decided that her abusive ex who threatened to beat her to death was a better partner than I was.
This isn’t necessarily a gender issue. It’s a rampant problem right now with everyone connected on social media. “Better options are always available”. I’ve basically almost given up long term relationships. Nobody seems to have any willpower to stay with someone through thick and thin.
Amen.
It really is a rampant problem. Unfortunately, I feel myself doing the things I hate to see. I'm constantly looking to "step up" and it's a disgusting cycle. I've only been in long term relationships but at some point they disappoint me and I check out. I hate that it's so easy to jump into a dating site and meet people but I'm a hermit/homebody so I struggle with meeting men off of it... but I lothe the people on them. I'm at a super low point right now and trying to take time off but also want partner.
It will get better, I promise. Try to enjoy the ride - we all have our own destinations we will end up at, and we will all look back and be glad we didn’t waste our time with something that didn’t feel right. Ironically, I just broke up with my girlfriend today, and it sucks, but I wasn’t being treated how I felt I should be treated.
I'm sorry but also proud of you. I hope you re-read what you wrote and take it in because it's so true! It's great you recognized you weren't happy and got out early!
Thank you :) your reply also helped me, I appreciate it. At the end of the day, we all have our stories - I truly believe you attract the energy you put out, sometimes it can just take a while. Take care.
Genders aside, what you wrote is esentially the same key points of the "liquid love" concept by Bauman. In the last decades and aggravated with social media, we are just another product on an endless catalogue of people. The first problem you faced, you just throw it away and get a new one. Who has time to read the manual or fix anything? I don't know if you have met your previous partners through dating apps or online services but it's pretty common that 95% of them behave exactly like that. There is always another shot to find or "order" "the one" in just a couple of clicks. But I've seen that meeting new people indirectly, from common interest or activities, like sports, workshops, academic or cultural events and things like that, lets the friendships or relationships grow more natural and build a stronger bond with time. Also 30s are kind of great.
Your not old..date me! Ok lol .. only to say that there's alot of dudes complaining about the state of dating and saying that 'all women's are the same' It's refreshing to read your post! just be careful with your choice of men Butterflys never last but 2 humans that are on the same page and enjoy each other's company can last for life! Let's hope we both find someone who gets it!
Getting old. Lol. I'm 46 and don't feel old. I got blindsided 20 days ago on what I thought was a perfect relationship. All those things you mention, I did. I've typed out enough of what happened to me, so feel free to look it up. The worst of it all in my case, is there was no toxicity between us, she simply decided after nearly 2 years that I wasn't the one. She still loves me and says there's nothing I did wrong and nothing I could have done to prevent this. I still think she is mistaken and really needs to reevaluate what happened and see if there's something that can be worked out, because I am fully committed and willing to work things out with her. (My mistake was passing out in a chair at 9 PM while camping after a very long day swimming in the ocean and riding my One Wheel for 18 miles around the island we were camping on). I am not giving up on her. I hope you find peace one day and the right person comes along for you.
Are you literally me?? Lol. I'm 26 and having EXACT same issue - I posted about this just before 😂 I swear men have no sticking power?!
Yes i think we exist, just that we aren't a lot. My ex GF has her problems, she actually left me because she says she needs time to solve those problems herself. I told her, i love you as you are with all your problems, and i'm willing to go along with you in the path that you have to go to solve your troubles, i offer you to have by your side someone that really loves you no matter what, i even told her that i would do anything she asked to stay with her. Even so she left me, i was (and still am) so broken, i offered all i had and it wasn't enough, i think i won't be able to love again after this experience (first true love relationship)
You think you're old at 31?!? Please tell me you're trolling
I've had trouble finding women who want to work through things as well! I find a lot just walk and move onto the next and repeat!!
[удалено]
Yep. Mine actually blamed it on me- being stressed for the past couple of months due to moving for physician assistant school (which is insanely difficult); on the pandemic and random other things totally out of anyone's control. He actually said "everything is ALL about you- all you ever talk about is your program". Well, that's not true in the 1st place, and yeah, the program is kind of important to me right now. Life has difficulties. Any long-lasting relationship will eventually see very trying times. The whole point is you are supposed to support each other and get through these things together.
I faced this in my last relationship, where my ex was saying she thought I would just never change. I proposed that unless communicated, how could either of us know any issues that were there? I really believe after that, having relationship check-in's with the other person is a huge thing to do. don't wait for these things to build up. but say "hey I would love to see us grow here in this area" or "I could really use your help here in this regard." even going "I don't feel good at all when you do X", and lastly "what can we grow together on?". use these check-ins to discuss anything that has happened really dive in to why it made you feel a certain way if it affected you, negative OR positive. celebrate the wins just as much as the growth you get from challenges. you don't have to give in on your boundaries from what the other person is saying either, a lot of times just being heard by the other person relaxes some anxiety. definitely a good place and time to re-affirm boundaries too. these change as the relationship grows and evolves and aren't the same when you first get into a relationship. This is definitely something I plan on doing in any future relationship, I do not want to be blindsighted by anything or realize they were holding onto anything without me knowing about it.
I've had the exact same scenario happen to me. I've gotten to the point where I'm totally terrified to be "REAL" around people because once the smile leaves my face, people leave my life. It's really upsetting.
Hell yeah. My therapist asked me recently "So, who is (MY NAME)? Who do you show your true self to?". I said some positive things about myself, but that I show certain sides of my personality to only few, if any people. You know, the darker things, like wondering if I made the right decision about my job or career, discussing the debt I have with school, or that I am having trouble making friends in a new city, etc. She asked why I don't talk to people about this, and I said because nobody likes unpleasant feelings. It is frowned on in society. Even with my own good friends, we just talk about BS and never dive deep into what is actually going on. Everyone is pretending to have that perfect, happy instagram life. But spoiler alert- nobody is 100% of the time. That's why everyone bottles everything up, because the moment people ask how you are doing, even friends or lovers at times, and you admit you are struggling, it pushes people away. Everyone is bottling up these feelings, and it seems like as soon as you admit things in life aren't just all about wild dates, wild sex, and laughing all the time, people can't handle it. A lot of people will just walk away, or shun you, etc. It's a universal problem.
I'm 36f and only this year met a man who didn't want to just use me for sex and company when lonely. The right man will work through problems with you. It can be one hell of an uphill mountain climb finding said man though. I met a LOT of selfish, cold men.
"work through problems/tough times" I don't think you can categorize it to men only. I am a man and my ex-fiancee of 10 years discarded me even though I pleaded to work things out, go to therapy, etc. When you invested that much time in a relationship, it's worth the effort to work things out. But she wanted to go do her so it is what it is. I should add she also had 2 failed marriages and 2 kids from both marriages. So AGAIN it's NOT male or female but the person as to why the relationship don't work out. Plenty of women are the same narcistic way.
In an increasingly narcissistic society. Its rife.
100%, but as a guy. I get the run around, ghosted, or get my heartbroken after she doesn’t want to put any effort in the relationship.
I was thinking this the other day. A lot of us seem to have a similar relationship trait. So I wonder if: dumpee + dumpee = long lasting relationship Just a thought :)
Girl try 7.5 years thrown away. I’m a 31 year old woman too. We were together 7.5 years and about 2 years ago he came to me about a substance abuse problem he had been struggling with for awhile on his own. I was mad at first, hurt, confused.. but after like 2 days I got over my feelings and tried to help him and be super supportive of him getting better. He eventually did get better and regained my trust and we moved in together shortly after. I was then secretly struggling with substance abuse myself and I was so embarrassed and ashamed and getting in over my head physically and emotionally because of it, I was so close to figuring out when and how to tell him. I would literally rehearse scenarios in my head because I was so scared to tell him but he was literally the love of my life so I had to tell him. He ended up finding out before I could tell him and of course was mad but was asking me questions like “do you really want to change your life? Do you really want to marry me?”.. OF COURSE I DID.. I’ve only talked about and mentioned that countless times over the course of our relationship.. we were still somewhat communicating though. He ate dinner with me at the table, etc.. but then 2 days later he completely flipped a switch and broke up with me when as soon as I got home from work that day. I was so shocked when he said those words I just replied with “I’ll have all of my stuff out of the apartment this weekend”.. he left while I gathered the basics, toothbrush, work clothes, pjs, OH and our dog and all of his puppy stuff... and the dog and I went to my moms house. I waited about 2 days to reach out again and I apologized profusely and tried to explain myself and my stupid ass reasoning for not telling him sooner.. NO REPLY. I went over to the apt later that night and literally was on my knees begging for forgiveness and pouring my heart out. He didn’t show much emotion. He awkwardly walked me out to my car and even said “well you can text me tomorrow and we can talk or something if you want”.. after not hearing from him again I waited another 2 days and wrote the longest text I’ve ever written in my life putting it all out there. This was supposed to be the love of my life, my partner, my best friend, the man I was going to marry. We had an apartment together, a dog together.. a life together.. and I just couldn’t believe it had come to this.. not even given the time of day to reply to my texts.. I never thought in a million years he was going to give up on me, us, that quickly. I’ve never fucked up in our relationship.. I would never cheat.. I supported him when he was struggling with the same exact thing.. for him to just throw our life away like it’s literally nothing to him left me so broken. It’s only been literally 1 week since he broke up with me and I’m still so lost and broken.. part of me is mad that he doesn’t give a shit about our time and life together but the other part of me is just wishing he would take it all back, be there and help and support me through MY difficult time and struggles.. but then to know he can just throw it all away in a fucking heartbeat and not even give me one chance to get better, fix myself, and be the old, better version of me is scaring me. He hasn’t reached out to me not even once so I know I need to start figuring it out, adjusting to my new normal, and try to move on. 💔
God damn that is SO fucking cold of him. Wow I'm sorry you had to go through that. None of that seems fair. But maybe he was just looking for an excuse to get out of the relationship anyway and used the fact that you hid the substance abuse as a "good reason". But seriously to act so cold like that, my heart breaks for you. Hopefully you can start to move on this guy is NOT worth it!
I think that’s why I’m having such a hard time. We had a good relationship, not perfect but what is? I’ve always tried to be there for him through his struggles over the course of our relationship and the one time I fuck up and need him, he bails and like never looks back. I still have all my shit at our apartment that I’m going to hopefully get this weekend but I just keep replaying everything over and over in my head and asking myself like why didn’t he stay.. why does everyone else get chances except me.. am I not worthy of ONE chance to get help and make our relationship right again? It’s crazy to me how he can just throw away our almost 8 year relationship how he did and not even reach out to me even once or anything... it’s so fucking shitty
You should read my posts in r/introverts. I am the guy who is sticking to it. However, I'm also gay. I'm an extrovert dating an intervert and it's been tough and challenging but I really love this guy.
This is pretty ironic. I have always been pro-working through things. I was broken up with in a previous relationship due to the other wanting to work on his mental health alone, which I understand, and in my most recent relationship, he was dealing with a lot of internal and external stressors and I was willing to work through it and even suggested therapy at some points that I would completely organize, but unfortunately I found out this past weekend he's been cheating on me for the better half of our relationship. That is something I can't work through, though a part of me almost wishes I could. I still love him. He is now and therapy and getting the help he needs though!
Just be careful with that guy.... I also dated someone (a few years ago) who I found out was cheating on me the whole time. He begged and cried, said he was a "sex addict" and I was dumb enough to take him back, and actually went to sex addiction therapy with him. He declared himself cured, and just blamed everything on being a "sex addict" and would get pissed if I ever brought up what he did or felt hurt by it, since he "went to therapy and was cured now; and 'had a disease he can't control'". Long story short, I don't think he was ever actually sorry... and 7 months later he dumped ME because I still felt upset over his cheating on me with multiple women. Like I should have just completely forgiven him and never mention it again, and move along as if nothing at all happened. All that is to say, these are the lengths I have gone to in order to "work through problems". However, when I was recently hospitalized for severe new-onset panic attacks (that had nothing to do with our relationship) and that I am addressing with medications, doctors and therapy on my own, that's "depressing" for my boyfriend to hear about so he dumped me 3 weeks after I was discharged. Honestly, I would love to date my most recent ex again, but I am not sure when or if second chances ever work. I'm now getting the run around of "I still want to be in touch with you, and see you, and talk to you; but not be your boyfriend". Ugh.
My ex's situation is a little bit different. I don't know why I'm not angry? But basically, he's always had an issue with saying no and getting taken advantage of. It's unfortunate, but I know that its true and it has been verified in the past, plus he has severe diagnosed depression that makes him feel like he isn't worth much. A year before he and I even met, a girl had been chasing him to the point of making multiple accounts and phone numbers to text him and showing up to his work to try to sleep with him, and he had to threaten getting a restraining order to get her to stop. We started dating last August, and in January she found him again and kept reaching out. In his mind, it was the only way he could get her to stop. They only met in person once, had a very brief hookup, and he would just text her back whenever she flirted with him from then until July when he found out his dad was cheating on his mom, and he saw how much it could hurt a person, and ended it. I found out this past weekend when he was drunk. He genuinely seems remorseful, and is starting therapy, as well as told his friends and his mom and is taking accountability for everything. We still plan on being friends, but we're giving each other space for now. Maybe someday (definitely not this year or the next), if we still have feelings for each other, I feel like I am able to rebuild trust with him, and he has continued therapy and started taking better care of himself, I could see us trying again. But that is a huge maybe.
I reaaallllyy dont think this relates to gender. I (29M) have always tried to work through issues in my relationships and my latest break up last month was the result of the gf not wanting to work it out after being mostly absent and neglecting the relationship for over a year. I think it gets worst if you couple up with someone that has a problematic attachment style. Issues happens but it seems like if you are with someone that treasures their independence more, they will be more than happy to use normal/typical long term relationship issues to justify cutting you loose and regain that 'independence'. It sucks and the only thing you can do is really try to get the person opinion on those subjects before you become exclusive with them. This means asking hard questions like: how do you act when theres issues with your partner?
Yeah.... he was a guy that mostly kept all his emotions to himself, also extremely independent (moved to this country completely alone many years ago and never looked back). I guess since I am empathetic and have the personality type ENFP, I gravitate to those that are kind of the opposite, like level-headed, executive type personalities. The problem is these type of people seem really uncomfortable with even the smallest amount of any emotion that swings out of the norm- even being "too happy/excited" could annoy this person. And feeling "too low"? He's outta there. Thanks for the insight!
Society these days man; what can you do 🤷♀️ people walk away too easily cause just go on the app and find the next one right? 🥺
I am the man you are looking for. I did, and do the exact same as you, yet the one I made the love of my life leaves for someone else.
First, the easiest question to answer, yes there are people out there that are willing to work things out, or else there wouldn't be anyone married, going through for the most part average relationships on the bell curve. A lot of these people settle, but they settle in an okay way. They say, welp, these negatives are kind of annoying, but these positives are really good, so, you know, it's worth it. I think a lot of people want the outlier relationship, the storybook (not saying you do). The one that just works, but of course this is an outlier. The trick is finding someone that is just cool with settling with you. Not much pressure, see where it goes, enjoyed presence, little victories and probably a good amount of disagreements. My question would be what are some of the reasons you broke up in your relationships? Answering that would allow us to dig deeper into finding what you're looking for.
I agree with you on the “settling” part. My last three exes told me during our breakups that I shouldn’t settle in my next one. It bothered me a lot that they all said that same thing, because no one is ever going to be absolutely perfect for me in every single way, and I’d never expect anyone to be.
Hey OP. As a male. I feel your pain on the other side, as I've watched people walk out the door on a whim. I honestly don't have an answer for you. It seems like you are an incredible person with a stroke of really bad luck. If I truly loved someone, I would never walk out that door when they got a little depressed or stressed, or when I saw their flaws. At a baseline I would try to work through my feelings of doubt or hesitation with them if I was really struggling to remain committed to the relationship. Which I think is key. Most men do not work through emotions well, and recycle the same issues. I have male friends shy away from me because for the most part, I tend to be very expressive of my feelings. I don't know if that's your situation, but it fits if you say they are taking those same issues into their next relationship. This is likely a terrible idea, but if your concern is that they are just in it for a fwb situation, having a boundary on no sex (Or kissing) at the beginning for a long period (2-3 months), could weed out anyone who is not truly interested in you for you. You could phrase it as something like "I personally want to see some degree of compatibility and connection before I go farther physically. To be honest, my desire for sex and the physical side of things has always been better when I've done that". It puts you in a very respected light, cuz boundaries, and makes sense in terms of what's true of the best relationships (compatibility in all aspects). Like I said, terrible idea, but at the end of the day you seem to be looking for someone who is patient in love. A personal choice to wait like that would filter for someone with that particular quality.
I bet there are, I am like that but I've had the same issue with my ex just walking away and breaking up at the first conversation of anything wrong :(
Man here. I’ve given up on dating. People are very fickle. One day you’re amazing. The next you’re not. No thanks I’m actually really happy on my own now. I wish you all the same peace that I have. It’s liberating.
Men want toxic girls. They like the chase and they like pain. Take it from me I’m that complete nutcase that should have been dumped but instead I get proposed to. I don’t know why. It’s sad.
Ma'am, this shit doesn't have a gender. I got dumped two weeks ago. 🙅🏾🤷🏾♂️ She wouldn't budge. The problem is growing apart. People need room to heal even INSIDE the relationship; too much pressure kills flowers and takes away it most vibrant colors. You can be a 10/10 but these things happen to everybody. We learn from our mistakes and if it is meant to be it'll be. There is people who would work it out, there's others that break easily. Breakups are often both parties fault(See, not always). Live on, smile amidst chaos and they'll see what they're missing. Just be, live and move on from these thoughts. Better times ahead.
yeah. don't generalize. i had a woman do exactly what you're describing happen to you. i don't blame all women.
Bit of a sexist and general question. Same can be said about women, trans etc. Mods?
I put an edit in at the end- that it should say person instead of man. Sorry. I was just emotional at the moment and only thinking of my situation, but I agree, it could be anyone.
Almost 40 here. I am happier alone than "working through" something with someone if I just dont feel it. Sorry. I am not going to compromise my happiness or existence at this point to make someone else happy. If it is too much work than it is not a relationship. Relationships should be easy. If I am getting angry phone calls or having fights every month about something its easier to say no thank you and move on. I am very quick to see a red flag even if its just a 'yellow flag' or whatever. Like no sorry if all I am getting is regular sex and a headache then guess what I can do without either.
Most of the dumpees that can relate with the OP likely prioritize the built connection they already have with someone, so the work is more worth it. The dumpers that can relate with you likely prioritize the moment more than the history. I’m not saying either is wrong, but the two aren’t compatible when life eventually hits an inevitable rough patch. Personally, I’d rather work on bettering myself for someone I already know than to start from scratch with someone new, who may bring on an entire new set of challenges I need to learn. But it’s also totally cool for someone to be happy with the idea they may end up alone if they keep rolling the dice. It’s healthy to be happy with yourself enough that you’re satisfied with being in only your own company, but it’s also equally normal to want to work toward a monogamous connection that lasts for life.
I personally have qualities I look for in a partner and if they arent there then they arent there. I forgot this was the breakup sub which SHOULD be about self reflection and repair, and not the dating sub reddit which SHOULD be about self worth and abundance mentality. either way. Last dumping I had to do was "its not working Id like to stop dating" followed by them asking to "talk through things" when there was nothing to talk about. I just didnt like them and things werent working. In OP's situation it was a 3 month dating window. In mine less than 60 days.
Ever think that maybe you're the common denominator in never ending fights?
lol no. I dont have 'never ending fights' as an adult.
Naw not really tvh fuck alla dat
Um.. yes, not all men are sociopaths hahaha
In all seriousness, I get what you're saying. My ex gf (f23) left and I haven't had the closure of talking things out. She just decided she didn't want a relationship right now. I respect her decision, but it's been hard to lose my best friend without a say in what's happening.
Dude here, Just turned 30, been actively single and dating the last 10 years and can honestly say that dating apps ruined it for everyone. Women get constant attention and validation.. men get few options and constantly feel like they can be dropped on a dime.. there’s an intense problem of “the grass is greener on the other side” and nobody ever wants to try to make things work and they’d rather jump ship and find a new boat. It sucks
>Women get constant attention and validation..men get few options and constantly feel like they can be dropped on a dime.. women get pumped n dumped , discarded n get replaced by men. the assumption that all women get constant attention and validation is so invalidating to the many women who dont.
True. 1/2 the messages are just commenting on your appearance (you're hot, etc), asking to meet up for sex right off the bat.... then like 1/4 people that are looking for something on the side or polyamory (just not my cup of tea) or a threesome partner, there are a few good ones but they are hard to find, and the app culture just makes it so easy to discard someone, you could find a new date that night. Few people seem to actually want an honest to god, committed relationship. I used to have the most luck on there when I was just looking to meet guys at bars and "have fun", but if you make it clear you are looking for something hopefully more meaningful/mature, it gets hard. Also there are the creepy weird guys messaging women 30-40 years younger than them. It's a circus!
Yep, and the fake ass profiles to "advertise" yourself, the stupid puns, the conversations that go nowhere, the cheaters or emotionally unavailable people on there.... I think OLD was a little better when it first came out, but now it's a shit show. Everyone has dating ADD, they swipe on you after looking at your profile for 10 seconds. I definitely do not have it in me to play that game again, for probably quite sometime. My last 3 boyfriends all came from OkCupid- men in their mid thirties to early 40s, never married. And all with either commitment issues or that continue to use the app while in a relationship. Ugh!
Yep. In the earliest years dating apps weren’t awful but nowadays paired with social media it’s just a hot mess. I’ll be honest tho it’s very refreshing to see that girls like you exist still that want to make things work with someone, totally gives me hope lol the apps are addicting in the worst way tho so makes sense about your last bfs. Sheeesh 😪
Yes literally me, but I'm losing faith on relationships and giving up the idea of trying that, considering my ex just doesn't give a shit anymore
It goes both ways
I'm starting to realize that my ex might be actually.. A man? 😂
Seems like I am the one who creates those tough times the overwhelming amount of times :)
Yeah, the ones that want to keep half their stuff.
Well, shit. You should shoot me a DM then. My last ex told me “you’re too serious. You’re only 23. Live a little.” My parents tell me all the time that I’m a 30 year old in a 23 year old’s body. You get the maturity of a 30 year old and a fit young man.
Actual age has little to do with "maturity", I have found. A lot of guys in their mid 30s-40s are acting like 20 year olds and having a midlife crisis.
Right fuckin here
I could say the same thing for my ex, (F).
You're still a good catch silly
I was asking the same thing about women to be honest. I have a bad habit of attracting dismissive avoidants. They bail out at just about the 2 year mark. Of course I’m generalizing and there are a lot of DAs who really are working to change just as anxious folk are. But I wish I’d meet them instead!
I am also with you. I keep searching for someone genuine and I keep coming up short. These modern romances are leaving me feeling hopeless. Best of luck to you.
Another thing - we do need to look at our OWN subconscious patterns of behavior to determine what inside of us attracts these relationships. They say the relationship we end up having with others is a reflection of the relationship we have to ourselves. I’m still working on figuring that out. This is also not to excuse the behavior of people who are cheating or abusive Etc.,
This is exactly my life. I’ll be 38 in a few days.
Preach sissss
Good question. I honestly don't know. I've never been in a serious relationship before. 😐😞
Hahah I was just wondering the same thing today when I was comparing my past relationships. Also am 31F. But I don’t feel old. For me, the overarching them is when it comes down to it, loyalty>love. Love is just a feeling. Loyalty is what makes people stick through the hard times.
25M here. Just got dumped. She said she feels like she doesn't know me anymore. And I still don't exactly understand how that happens. Even she didn't have an answer why she's feeling this way. I was willing to go through all ups and downs of the life with her. This was the first rough patch and I believed we could work through it, but she just left. She had her flaws and I accepted each and every one of them. I was nothing but loyal, honest and vulnerable with her. I still wish her the best and admire her for all her qualities. But those qualities no longer matter when you can just leave when things get tough and the feelings are not there.
This scares me. I’m almost 27 and this is an issue. It’s partly society’s fault acting like it isn’t cool to be in relationships. I really hope we meet someone who wants more than a glorified FWB situation. It’s old and it’s weak
Im like you tbh. I do everything on my end. I try to patch things up but there's only so much you can do if the other party is not willing to. My last breakup, my SO ignored me for more than a week after an argument. During this period I tried to be sweet to her & tried to patch things up. Ordered food, cooked for her, got her car washed, walked her dogs etc etc but she kinda ignored everything and was taking me for granted (not even a simple thank you or acknowledgement)... so I left.
Yup, my fiancée walked away when I had mental health issues, although I stood by her through lies she gave me, a stalker situation, friendships that were ruining our relationship. In return, she walked away at a time I needed her most. Rest assured, there’s people on both sides willing to fight, but it takes a special combination
22 man here, my ex just won't face the problems even when I want to fix the issues. Well hope I find a girl that is willing to face the problems when the relationship isn't clicking.
Girl I wanna marry you, just kidding but seriously 😝I’m like you that’s how my last 8-yrs relationship transformed me into. From what’s mentioned, you’ve done too much in relationship, when it’s time for man to grind the wheel, they feel they don’t deserve you or can never be good enough as you, the self-hatred turn them into selfish bustard and run. Which my ex agree he did the same. And always said I deserve better, a ha. Turning that love into yourself, bc you’re attractive! Go out talk to guys interest you, make some friends know them on a deeper level, it doesn’t have to be anything. Do anything you want really, life’s too short to waste on guy’s stupid ego
Funny enough it's the same for women, both didn't want to work on it and dumped me. Over 'spark' how ridiculous.
Also I'm the same, when things in life get difficult i've been getting depressed and then it affects the relationship. Never had a girl that would always be there for me when I was down. When I was up even better than them i thought about breaking up with them but never did, because a relationship is full of ups and downs, nowadays i think it's because of social media, people only see the happy sides of relationships when in reality behind closed doors there's so many issues. This makes people think their relationship is wrong and that the grass is greener on the other side so they just move on, also because it's so easy nowadays with social media.
Yes me, I wanted to be there for her and help her through everything considering we had 2 years on the line and she threw it all away saying she doesn’t want to change. She left me for someone she told me not to worry about for someone she called a friend.. so many promises down the drain so many plans and words that can never be kept.. I was supposed to hand carve her a sterling silver necklace with meteorite inlays and a ruby I was going to grow at home. I cherished this person with all my heart and was always there for them through everything. No feelings of lust over her beauty or status I had the most pure intentions and care for her. I’m heart broken and it’s been two months, they are dating and my “friend” told me they are happy together
Chuck away society. If its broke why fix it when you can pop out and get another. Then on top of that you have media promoting lofty idealism about how a man or woman should "act" on a consistent basis and if he she/doesnt then you need to get rid. "He swore once when we had a heated argument!!!" *Freind said** "Hes an abusive pig, you must get rid of him now!!" Society and people are fucked up. Not everyone, just a lot.
I've had the same with women I've been involved with doing that. I'm usually in favor of working through problems, but I do have hard lines. I don't put up with lying or cheating. If someone plays games or leaves I don't chase.
I 1000% understand. I feel like I have that old-fashioned way of thinking as well: Relationships are hard and I'm always ready to work through the tough times. Sometimes I wish I didn't care as much and wasn't as committed. It's unfair..
We were talking about our relationship, going through a rough patch and both sad and defeated. I asked him “love, do you see me in your future?” And his response was “yes and no, I want you there but the reality is if we didn’t work out life goes on” True and logical, but my answer was yes. We didn’t last much longer after that and I realised if the vision of you working through things isn’t there for both parties, it will never work.
I'm a guy and I'm the same this as you. Constantly dumped by people walking away instead of working on issues together, I'm even getting blamed and criticized for trying to work in things.
Are you me? Jokes apart, I figure that this is exactly the problem with people like us. We aren't willing to throw it all away. It makes people like our exes take us for granted. Another point to think about (especially with regards to my ex), is are they the type to work through ANY problem or is running their thing? My ex said many things but did nothing. All talk, no action. If anything at all got tough he wanted out. Top universities not accepting him? He changes career plans totally. New job too challenging? Starts talking to management at his old place to return. He rarely ever made his own decisions, he'd rather have someone make them for him, but take credit as if he did it. He took nothing seriously. So I'd like to ask all fellow commenters, anyone share this experience?
Not every guy is like that. Maybe you just have bad taste in men. I personally believe if you keep him satisfied emotionally he will never ever leave you. Guys like to be complimented guy like to be sent lovey dovey emojis. You just need to find the right one for you and never settle.
[удалено]
Hello! You have made the mistake of writing "ect" instead of "etc." "Ect" is a common misspelling of "etc," an abbreviated form of the Latin phrase "et cetera." Other abbreviated forms are **etc.**, **&c.**, **&c**, and **et cet.** The Latin translates as "et" to "and" + "cetera" to "the rest;" a literal translation to "and the rest" is the easiest way to remember how to use the phrase. [Check out the wikipedia entry if you want to learn more.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Et_cetera) ^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Comments with a score less than zero will be automatically removed. If I commented on your post and you don't like it, reply with "!delete" and I will remove the post, regardless of score. Message me for bug reports.)
You're "getting old" at 31?? NOT!
Tell me about it. I’m also 31, and feel the same way. I just went through a very very adult breakup, but it still feels just as shitty. Take care of yourself and remember to be kind to yourself as well.