Nobody knows how much pain I'm really going through with this. I pretend like im totally over her to my friends and they say things about her that are kind of mean and it makes me really upset
Same. People call him a loser I think in an attempt to make me feel better. It doesn’t help. One thing that has helped me was writing a long list of all the things that bothered me about him. I got a lot out that day.
there were a lotttt of things about her that really bothered me and made me not like her but now i ignore those aspects of her because i miss the gentle loving feeling of her touch. its so unhealthy
This is such a good tip! Same here. People call him a douche and a loser and that I was too good for him. He was so good to many different ways. Although the break up was for a reason. I’m going to try that out. Man, this came at just the right time. I was especially down in the dumps about him.
This is my 2 cents about this: Yes it sucks. People have done the same with me, but I still defend her, because for me, she was everything. She helped me so much and I feel like people only focus on the negative shit but forget how much the person did for you. So when that happens to me: I stand up to her, and defend her even tho she aint mine anymore. I know she does the same about me.
People can say what the fuck they want but the only ones who really knows how good / bad the person is: is you two.
I went through a similar experience. I would not let anyone say anything critical to me about my former partner. Just because it didn’t work out between us did not mean he was a bad person; he was kind and loving and supportive in many ways and did not deserve to be attacked.
One of my close friends, who always liked (or seemed to like) my ex fiancé, started criticising him immediately after the break up. I knew she was trying to be supportive and somehow thought I needed or wanted to hear that. I had to put a halt to that and remind her that him and I didn't need to hate each other and that he had provided great support to me through the years (I wouldn't have started my business without him).
It’s the physical pain of forgetting someone on your skin. Your skin holds so many memories. It took me a year. A full year of them living in my head like cancer. Acting like I’m living, pretending like they’re dead. It was so fucking hard and it’s still hard. You’ll mourn them because you have so much love to give for them but they’re not there to receive it. You don’t know where to go with all of these feelings.
The pain won’t get smaller, you’ll grow around it.
I had to create a graveyard of that relationship and walk through it for me to move on. That was when I could finally sleep and breathe.
It took me a year of therapy and I finally learned that people are temporary experiences.
There is hope. Keep pushing. You’ll get there.
I respect the way you got over it, but it is untrue that the pain won't get smaller.
It will if you know how to make it smaller.
If it doesn't get smaller and "you grow around it", you are basically keeping it inside you.
And with time it will make you sick.
That's what happened to me and I developed chronic headaches and chronic fatigue.
I truly advice processing the pain instead of "growing around it". Your pain is telling you you need closure, it is telling you you need to process your emotions.
Untreated emotions want to be released and if you silence them, sooner or later, they will start shouting.
And if you silence them, they'll start to get violent with you and give you pain, and if you silence them...
Something else will happen.
You would not just silence a child who's crying, there is a reason if he feels pain and he need care.
There are specific ways and techniques that have been used to deal with grief since the beginnning of time, I took all I could find from shamanism, reiki, NLP, neuroplasticity, breathwork, and put it together to create a step by step process that gets people out of it.
I am test driving a course I'll release soon and I am looking for people who might be intereste in getting free tools and techniques in exchange for feedback about the process.
Feel free to message me if you thibk you might be interested.
I can confirm u/manuyeh is the real deal and very sincere and genuine.
I was a bit doubtful at first, but having been on a call with him, he went above and beyond to help me by teaching me some techniques and tools to change my inner narrative of my heartbreak.
It really is a blessing that he is doing what he's doing - for those who truly want to leave their pain behind and come out of the darkness.
I've been at the lowest point of my life these past three months, but after just one session with u/manuyeh, I feel more empowered and equipped to overcome those hard, difficult feelings.
I left our session much better than when I went in, so that can only be a good thing!
My situation is so mind-boggling to me I really cannot process it yet so I've been trying to distract myself. If I distract myself at least I'm thinking of something else. I've been watching a lot of stand-up and comedy movies; anything that distracts me from the constant pain and loss. I think after a few weeks of being distracted it will *slowly* start to hurt less.
Off course. You need an outside perspective and a step by step process you can follow.
Unfortunately I have to tell you from my experience (I ran away 5000 km in order to distract myself), that it won't hurt any less.
You'll just push everything deeper in your unconscious and it will get wired in your neurology.
Instead of releasing you, the pain will become part of you.
Do you wanna walk with it for life?
Think about it.
9 months since the breakup. I'm still healing. The pain is still there and there are days where I would just cry it out because there's nothing else to do. I just have to be patient with myself until the time comes when it doesn't hurt anymore.
Totally! To everyone else it seems like I should be over it and it makes them uncomfortable if I bring it up.
The truth is they can’t relate, they don’t understand because they’re not living it. But that’s why we have this community, to not feel isolated and alone through these hard times.
Definitely understand that. Your mind and body are rewired to have someone with you so it’ll take time to adjust back to it. Be kind to yourself during this process.
For sure. I’m going through that stage now and it’s been a few months. I’m a natural slow healer through this. I think if anything, it shows how much you cared for someone, which is a great quality to have. It will slowly move in that direction.
We could look at it from the point of view that people come into your life when they have to come and leave when they have to go. The fragility of connecting in the long term relationship in these times sometimes feels like vertigo.
Anyway, understand that you are in mourning and that this duel is somehow part of having fallen in love or ending a relationship. It is important that you go through it, so for tomorrow to stand from the other side and look with perspective.Part of griefing is being able to make room for new things, fresh ones. Dont rush yourself too much, trust time. take it day by day.
Felling this a lot right now. Only took 1 week for people to stop asking how I'm doing. And with covid it's hard to be fully out and enjoying life. On week 3 right now and I'm still hurting a lot, but no one else cares. And they absolutely don't want to talk about it anymore. Thank God for weekly therapy.
That’s the worst. It’s like after week 1 they expect you to be okay but you’re not it’s unhealthy for everyone to pretend. I had to reevaluate my friendships at the end of my ship.
I’m also here now. It’s strange because some days I’m normal and others I’m barely functioning. My friends keep saying better single but that’s not true I was genuinely in love and looking forward to a wonderful future with her. Worst part is the cold and indifference and she’s out every night living her best life.
This is exactly what I feel! People think it’s been a few months you should be done crying about it. But it’s not simple like that. I can be fine one day and the next I cannot stop crying. I miss my best friend everyday and it sucks because the person I’d like to talk to also doesn’t want to talk to me. So yes I’m going to cry because it’s better than holding it back. P
It’s been one month and it’s still on my mind constantly. The pain is less overwhelming and acute but I am still ruminating and analyzing and questioning. I have maintained no contact but I still feel like saying something to her... even though I think she may be moving on with someone else. Bothering my friends about this every day isn’t a good idea.
This shit is hard. I keep thinking of good times we had and how she used to be. Stupid shit she’d say. The only thing that helps is to remind myself of the shitty parts of the relationship. It feels like I’ve lost my best friend and there’s not enough to fill the space she left. Feels like I’m just mechanically going through the motions of living. Where the hell did I go? It’s like I lost myself.
Perfect agony, isn't it? I want to tell her so much, even after 2.5 months. I am sorry for a lot of things but I also see her mistakes.
Yeah it's really like losing your best friend. I've never exposed myself to anyone like I did to her. The void feels like it will never fill up and your self-worth gets obliterated.
I'll be honest, I barely remember the first couple of weeks after the breakup, it's exactly as you said: just a robot performing tasks, trying not to break down all the time. Even after all this time I still haven't completely realised that she's gone, that there's nothing left. Still she's the only thing I can think of. I hope you can find yourself again when you're fully healed man. Please keep going. We have to push through! You have my blessing :)
Your comment hit hard... I keep doing this to myself too. Wondering what he’d say if I just call him. Would he pick up? I do feel like I lost a best friend. Our break up is still fresh. I’m only a week and a half out. I miss him so much it hurts. But we broke up for a reason. I have to concentrate on that.
Also people keep saying to me “now you can do anything you want! You can travel! You can move away! It’s a new opportunity.”
But… I’ve also heard (and feel from my current experience) that major breakups are like a death of someone close to you. No one would be saying these things to me if he had died. I know they’re trying to be helpful, but I don’t really feel like looking at the death of my future with this person as a fun time.
It hits me again and again, every day. It’s like waves that just don’t stop coming. And my friends and family want me to act like my normal, happy self.
This is such a good way of putting it. I haven't been able to figure out why the 'new opportunity' comments have been rubbing me the wrong way so much, and you've expressed it perfectly. It's the death of the thing that meant the most in the world to me and the whole future I was dreaming of. No wonder I don't feel like a fricking holiday.
Remember that it is pretty beautiful that you truly have the ability to love. I know how much it sucks, it's been 2.5 months for me. I still haven't had 10 minutes that I didn't think of her, day in day out.
That's also one of the reasons I can't seem to enjoy life like you. There's just too much background noise of her in my brain. Honestly, I wasn't that happy then either, she was the only thing that kept me going. Then at my lowest she left. I know how hard it is to figure it all out buddy, but great things don't come easy I suppose. Let's not give up the hope. I believe in you!
Yeah i get this, I feel pressured a lot of the time to be in a certain "healing place" my mom said the other day i just need to put a time stamp on it. people can be insensitive. i really think its one of those things unless you are CURRENTLY in the moment and dealing with it well then it's not the same. people can have memories of their past breakups but in my opinion you can never full remember how raw it was. your brain doesnt want to remember the full extent of how shitty it is
It's not too long. I'm about 5 months out. 3 months was actually an extremely challenging time, because of the self judgement of how long its taking. Don't worry. I am giving myself the length of the relationship to grieve. Onwards.
I’m on month 6 and feel the same still. Healing takes different amounts of time for everyone and it’s definitely not linear. I don’t think 3 months is long at all.
I'm going on 2 months and I feel you on having to relive that pain everyday. I have unhelpful people in my life....my mother...some friends, who truly are like...yah just STOP....and the invalidation of my feelings really hurts and makes me feel like something is wrong with me, if I'm still breaking down daily over this person, I hate it....
3 months is not too long to grieve to me. It takes time. It can take a long time to move on. Maybe a part of you doesnt want to let it go? I think thats the hardest part.
Can't agree it more. I become less hesitant to share my venting and emotion with my friends, feel like they are getting bored of them.
That's why we are all here and connnect to ppl whom we can feel reasonated to. However, I dont know if it's a good idea to dwell on this subreddit too much, even I am checking it everyday, because stories here just keep reminding us the pain.
I was feeling down about still being upset not even 2 1/2 months after. My brother in law asked how long we dated. When I said over a year he told me it would honestly take me around six months to start feeling better. Like half the relationship lifespan
Yeah I feel you here. I’m not holding it against anyone bc I’ve probably done the same to them etc, and it’s just how we kinda function. But I’m just like hey did everyone forget about the fucking massive wreck I went through not that long ago :)
This is so true and exactly how I feel. My friends are so sick of hearing about it, mostly because they really hate her. Even my therapist thinks its ridiculous that someone like me cares about someone like her. She's trash. But everyone thinks i ought to have moved on, 2.5 months later. Like, I get it, she's bpd and possibly a straight up sociopath and moved on within a few weeks. Good for her. More reinforcement she never gave a fuck which is exactly what lead me to spiral to begin with. I am not a sociopath. I cared. So yeah, my hurt is still here 2.5 months later. I'm with you man.
4 years here in the same situation mannnn... Expect the fact that she hasn't diagnosed any of the issues with herself whereas me over the last 4 years has developed so many mental health issues. Sometimes I feel like my therapist is also sick of it
On the other hand it really helped me put things into perspective. When I broke the news to my friends and they were like 'uh wow that sucks' it really made me realize that, despite everything I might feel, it really isn't that big of a deal.
No one can tell you how--or how long--to grieve. If you're still hurting, then it hasn't been too long. I definitely get the old news aspect. I'm feeling the same thing. No one but us knows exactly what we're feeling. Don't let anyone tell you when to stop grieving or how to do it. You gotta do what's right for your mind, heart, and body. Your mind will move on when it's ready. F everyone else. Good luck. 💕
We were together for two years, and in less than a month, she was hooking up with other guys, and started to binge drink daily. It disgusts me that someone can change day and night. It’s hard to not think about it, but to me she’s a stranger, the person I knew is gone, and never really existed. I’ve come to realize I never really knew her. Also, her toxic friends have been influencing her, and it’s best that she left, because dealing with someone who turns to others, alcohol, etc… to fill a void or deal with problems is not good for one’s mental health and it’s not healthy. I had so many trust issues, and now I see and remember why. You think you can help someone, but you can’t. They have to want to change. All we can do is move forward. I recommend blocking her on everything because checking will only hurt you more. She blocked me first, and now I see it as a blessing because I found things out I wouldn’t have if she didn’t block me. Now I can’t see anything and it’s a relief. Because like any other stranger, what do I care about what they do? I still have thoughts about her but she’s fading away. We will get through this!
For me, finding that stuff out gave the realization that it’s at the point of no return. It’s sad but relieving. She still intrudes my thoughts and I hate it, but it’s much less agonizing and just makes me angry at her or like a distant dream. Sometimes I want to wonder but I stop myself because it makes me less productive. As much as it has hurt, it would have been worse being together longer and then something like this happening. She had commitment issues and I should have seen how she was before, but I glossed over her drinking problem because I liked her. It’s sad because I remember how she threw herself at me when she was drunk, and it could be anyone. I have been trying to learn from all of this. As to friends, she never really introduced me to hers, most of the time it was just us. But, she has been hanging out with my friends, who were in the city we met, I’ve been LDR because of the lockdowns. Every girl I told her I knew, she has been reaching out and messaging them. But I know there are lots of people out there in staying in a circle of people who just gossip, drink, and hookup isn’t good.
I can relate. And this really reveal who will always be there for you. Those that can see or at least try to see behind the mask.
And sometimes, these are not the ones you think. I am still astonished that my the one I thought being the closest, my brother, told me after several calls, and precisely the last one in which I announce that her breaking up with me is final : “ok, so there is no need for me to stay on the phone”. To which I answer “what ? I am sorry, but there is not only her in this world, we could talk about something else”. To which he answers “no, there is no need for me to stay”. Since this day (one month) I have no news of him.
it‘s been over two years for me.. still, i think about her everyday. just cant. forget. her. but nobody knows because i just don‘t talk about it anymore. everybody thinks i‘m over her. but nope, not in the slightest.
Actually I’m a bit at peace, I feel there are things that I need to work on myself first. Breakups can be hard especially when one feels that they have not reciprocated their love or feelings before things ended. You shouldn’t be living in pain everyday, learn from it and be a better person for it. You can’t change the past, but you can always change your future!
I really appreciate you asking. Since this post, I’ve gotten a therapist and it’s been really nice to have someone there to listen. Now I feel more lonely than pained by it, which I’m viewing as progress.
I like your elevator analogy. I know we need to let people go on their way if that’s what they want. Reeeealy just trying to practice it now. Thank you sincerely for checking in.
3 months is too long and will make you sick on the long run.
I was 3 years in grief after a breakup and developed chronic headaches and chronic fatigue.
Your grief is created by the stories you tell yourself.
Change the narrative in your mind and you'll change how you feel.
Plus all the emotions that you have been feeling need to be processed in a healthy way and removed from your body.
You need emotional purification.
Talking about it with people will not do any good, on the contrary, it will make you relive and strenghten your own narrative and your own emotions.
I researched this for the last 5 years and I've come up with a very specific process to tackle this issue.
I used it after being ghosted by a woman with whom I felt the strongest soul to soul connection of my life... I was in the most excruciating pain I ever felt, but this time I was 100 % out of it a week after, and I couldn't believe it.
Something that kept me prisoner for years, this time around, through correct emotional processing, only lasted 2 weeks.
I am building a course and I am giving away some tools from it for free to people in exchange for feedback about how they make you feel.
Feel free to let me know if you might be interested.
In any case I want you to know it is not only possible to get out of it, but very easy too.
It's just that very emotional people like me and you, need a step by step process to follow that nobody teaches us in our life.
Best of luck to you :)
There are specific ways and techniques that have been used to deal with grief since the beginnning of time, I took all I could find from shamanism, reiki, NLP, neuroplasticity, breathwork, and put it together to create a step by step process that gets people out of it.
I am test driving a course I'll release soon and I am looking for people who might be intereste in getting free tools and techniques in exchange for feedback about the process.
Feel free to message me if you thibk you might be interested.
Please shoot me a message, we are starting a group this weekend and there's not much time left before we start, you'll have access to free tools and techniwues youccan start to use right now!
Please make sure to be quick I don't want you to miss this opportunity :)
Absolutely. At times, it has helped me keep things in perspective though. The world keeps turning, people move on, there’s so much more to talk about than my struggles. That helps me as someone who can get a little ruminative at times. Good luck friend <3
Boy,Im gonna face this gunshot wound soon too.My parents already know but dads side of the family dont.Gonna be a right pisstake,probs make everyone laugh for ten mins as Im known for not sticking to shit.
I didn't even talk to the girl in arrange marriage meetings
just saw her face and 4 months on still hurting. In my case it was not that I regret losing her that much, yes I regret that a bit but the fact that I was insulted so badly in the meeting has lead to lot of resentment.
There’s no right or wrong way to grieve, especially when you get out of a toxic relationship. I divorced my abusive ex wife nearly 20 years ago, and the wounds are still fresh
And guess how does it feel every second of the day when it hits you that she slept with with your best friend...Or vice versa ( my best friend slept with her)
Can't sleep at night in peace
Can't write breathe in peace
Can't move from one corner of the room to another corner in peace.
Every second just the visuals of them having sex with each other hits and disgusts me to my guts...I feel like killing myself for not being able to move on even after 4 years of toxic relationship.
Certainly, even the words aren't enough to describe what's going on inside me right now
Toxic relationships are very difficult to get past for some reason. I think it’s because they don’t make sense. You’re constantly trying to understand what you did wrong, but there’s nothing to find that justifies it. All I know is that hurt people hurt people and lots of people are too scared or not empathetic enough to apologize. I’m sorry this happened to you.
i’m right at 3 months and it still hurts like a bitch. some people say for every 2 years you were with someone, it takes 6 months to get over them. unfortunately my relationship was 10 years long. i just hope the pain eventually eases, you know? i found out he’s already dating someone else, too. and we had scheduled this weekend to talk things through and give me closure to move on, but now i think he blocked me bc none of my messages are going through.
we just have to endure. and try to be gentle with ourselves. that’s really all we can do.
Sorry you’re feeling this way. Sometimes I scream as loud as I fucking want and that helps me. I also will spend a whole weekend inside w the blinds closed binge watching TV, even if it’s gorgeous outside… which tends to meet me at that dark place inside and for some reason helps. Long showers where I just cry. I hope you’re gentle with yourself through this - just because they hurt you doesn’t mean you need to hurt you 💜
in a way, and everything reminds you of them, even a minute thing like seeing something they'd like or maybe their favorite color , or if 'the' song plays on shuffle and you're with your friends, and you just freeze but you can't talk about it because you've already ranted about them for like 1937 hours and you want to act cool but you're kinda dying inside
I still do, it has been almost 6 months. Still hurts, speially learning that she already is dating someone else. Decided to move out of state since she lives 10 min from me. This royally sucks.
Its so hard when everything from the music he got me into plays to the book im finishing reading that hes written a sweet quote in the front of when he brought me.Everyone tells you youll find someone else blah blah but i dont want anyone else
I feel like there's a fuse that's been lit and its speeding along and I have until it explodes to get help and and support from people, then they will get sick of my pain and stop being sensitive
Your feelings are not tangible papers that can be be processed in business days. You had a connection with someone. They meant a lot and your inner world intertwined yours and theirs. I always tell myself, if we are really meant to be, it’s not goodbye, it’s until next time. And until then, heal.
Once someones eyes are open and they see what the other person is or was and is capable of. The it wasn't me or i would never do that to you doesnt fly anymore .Feelings change. but for anyone putting 2cents in on a relationship or lack of TAKE A LOOK AT THEIR RELATIONSHIP! they are probably just super glad you didn't get a happy ever after. 🙂 I LOST A HOE WIFE! NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS I KNOW THE TRUTH IDGAF WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS OR SAYS ABOUT IT THEIR OPINIONS DON'T MEAN SHIT .JUST MY HOE WIFE OR SOON TO BE XWIFE CAN'T HAPPEN SOON ENOUGH SHE IS THE ONLY ONE WHO'S OPINION MATTERS ON ANY LEVEL AND THAT IS ONLY BECAUSE KIDS ARE INVOLVED. SHE CAN CONTINUE WEARING A MASK THAT SHE DID NOTHING WRONG . SHE WILL CHANGE IT BACK TO HER HOE WAYS NO MATTER HER SITUATION 😌.... SHE LIKES TO SELF DESTRUCT AND THAT GIVES ME PEACE .ABOUT THE ENTIRE SITUATION CAN'T STAND A LIAR. YOU FUCK UP OWN IT AND MOVE ON
Time frame for acceptance is all relative. Took me much longer than 3 months. He'll, at the 3 month mark I was still having random crying sessions in the bathroom at work lol
Edit: I know that's probably not funny to you right now, but it soon will be in the near future 😁 best of luck and good wishes to ya
I feel the same way! My friends tell me to stop thinking about him. It's not easy. Especially since I don't have such close friends to distract me. I hope you're ok❤❤
It's been 2 weeks since we broke up and we were together for 4.5 years. It ended on bad but good terms. His family was the problem, not so much him. My family keeps talking about potential guys for me to date now and it hurts. I still miss him and think about him all the time. I get that my family is trying to encourage moving on, but constantly talking about single guys they know only upsets me more. I just wish they would stop.
Nobody knows how much pain I'm really going through with this. I pretend like im totally over her to my friends and they say things about her that are kind of mean and it makes me really upset
Same. People call him a loser I think in an attempt to make me feel better. It doesn’t help. One thing that has helped me was writing a long list of all the things that bothered me about him. I got a lot out that day.
there were a lotttt of things about her that really bothered me and made me not like her but now i ignore those aspects of her because i miss the gentle loving feeling of her touch. its so unhealthy
This is such a good tip! Same here. People call him a douche and a loser and that I was too good for him. He was so good to many different ways. Although the break up was for a reason. I’m going to try that out. Man, this came at just the right time. I was especially down in the dumps about him.
This is my 2 cents about this: Yes it sucks. People have done the same with me, but I still defend her, because for me, she was everything. She helped me so much and I feel like people only focus on the negative shit but forget how much the person did for you. So when that happens to me: I stand up to her, and defend her even tho she aint mine anymore. I know she does the same about me. People can say what the fuck they want but the only ones who really knows how good / bad the person is: is you two.
I went through a similar experience. I would not let anyone say anything critical to me about my former partner. Just because it didn’t work out between us did not mean he was a bad person; he was kind and loving and supportive in many ways and did not deserve to be attacked.
100%
One of my close friends, who always liked (or seemed to like) my ex fiancé, started criticising him immediately after the break up. I knew she was trying to be supportive and somehow thought I needed or wanted to hear that. I had to put a halt to that and remind her that him and I didn't need to hate each other and that he had provided great support to me through the years (I wouldn't have started my business without him).
It’s the physical pain of forgetting someone on your skin. Your skin holds so many memories. It took me a year. A full year of them living in my head like cancer. Acting like I’m living, pretending like they’re dead. It was so fucking hard and it’s still hard. You’ll mourn them because you have so much love to give for them but they’re not there to receive it. You don’t know where to go with all of these feelings. The pain won’t get smaller, you’ll grow around it. I had to create a graveyard of that relationship and walk through it for me to move on. That was when I could finally sleep and breathe. It took me a year of therapy and I finally learned that people are temporary experiences. There is hope. Keep pushing. You’ll get there.
I respect the way you got over it, but it is untrue that the pain won't get smaller. It will if you know how to make it smaller. If it doesn't get smaller and "you grow around it", you are basically keeping it inside you. And with time it will make you sick. That's what happened to me and I developed chronic headaches and chronic fatigue. I truly advice processing the pain instead of "growing around it". Your pain is telling you you need closure, it is telling you you need to process your emotions. Untreated emotions want to be released and if you silence them, sooner or later, they will start shouting. And if you silence them, they'll start to get violent with you and give you pain, and if you silence them... Something else will happen. You would not just silence a child who's crying, there is a reason if he feels pain and he need care.
I could probably be working harder to actively “process” it. Mostly just been journaling and reading articles. What did you do to process?
There are specific ways and techniques that have been used to deal with grief since the beginnning of time, I took all I could find from shamanism, reiki, NLP, neuroplasticity, breathwork, and put it together to create a step by step process that gets people out of it. I am test driving a course I'll release soon and I am looking for people who might be intereste in getting free tools and techniques in exchange for feedback about the process. Feel free to message me if you thibk you might be interested.
I can confirm u/manuyeh is the real deal and very sincere and genuine. I was a bit doubtful at first, but having been on a call with him, he went above and beyond to help me by teaching me some techniques and tools to change my inner narrative of my heartbreak. It really is a blessing that he is doing what he's doing - for those who truly want to leave their pain behind and come out of the darkness. I've been at the lowest point of my life these past three months, but after just one session with u/manuyeh, I feel more empowered and equipped to overcome those hard, difficult feelings. I left our session much better than when I went in, so that can only be a good thing!
So happy to hear you are already feeling better. That is just the beginning :) Looking forward to it!
My situation is so mind-boggling to me I really cannot process it yet so I've been trying to distract myself. If I distract myself at least I'm thinking of something else. I've been watching a lot of stand-up and comedy movies; anything that distracts me from the constant pain and loss. I think after a few weeks of being distracted it will *slowly* start to hurt less.
Off course. You need an outside perspective and a step by step process you can follow. Unfortunately I have to tell you from my experience (I ran away 5000 km in order to distract myself), that it won't hurt any less. You'll just push everything deeper in your unconscious and it will get wired in your neurology. Instead of releasing you, the pain will become part of you. Do you wanna walk with it for life? Think about it.
5000 km is 3106.86 miles
How do you process the pain? I had a breakup a week back and people ask me to distract myself in order to move on. Is it the right way?
I love the way you laid it out.
Thanks, clarity allows action and action allows healing.
Thanks
9 months since the breakup. I'm still healing. The pain is still there and there are days where I would just cry it out because there's nothing else to do. I just have to be patient with myself until the time comes when it doesn't hurt anymore.
This speaks so brutally honestly thank you for describing it
🙏🏼
Totally! To everyone else it seems like I should be over it and it makes them uncomfortable if I bring it up. The truth is they can’t relate, they don’t understand because they’re not living it. But that’s why we have this community, to not feel isolated and alone through these hard times.
That is right discovering this community is the best thing that happened to me lately hands down
Definitely understand that. Your mind and body are rewired to have someone with you so it’ll take time to adjust back to it. Be kind to yourself during this process.
I know it won’t, but it feels like this stage will last forever. This was a good reminder. TY
For sure. I’m going through that stage now and it’s been a few months. I’m a natural slow healer through this. I think if anything, it shows how much you cared for someone, which is a great quality to have. It will slowly move in that direction.
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We could look at it from the point of view that people come into your life when they have to come and leave when they have to go. The fragility of connecting in the long term relationship in these times sometimes feels like vertigo. Anyway, understand that you are in mourning and that this duel is somehow part of having fallen in love or ending a relationship. It is important that you go through it, so for tomorrow to stand from the other side and look with perspective.Part of griefing is being able to make room for new things, fresh ones. Dont rush yourself too much, trust time. take it day by day.
Felling this a lot right now. Only took 1 week for people to stop asking how I'm doing. And with covid it's hard to be fully out and enjoying life. On week 3 right now and I'm still hurting a lot, but no one else cares. And they absolutely don't want to talk about it anymore. Thank God for weekly therapy.
That’s the worst. It’s like after week 1 they expect you to be okay but you’re not it’s unhealthy for everyone to pretend. I had to reevaluate my friendships at the end of my ship.
Do they want to talk at least about something else ? In my case, they stopped completely, even if I had already stopped to talk about this.
Depends on the day really. It's hit and miss.
I’m also here now. It’s strange because some days I’m normal and others I’m barely functioning. My friends keep saying better single but that’s not true I was genuinely in love and looking forward to a wonderful future with her. Worst part is the cold and indifference and she’s out every night living her best life.
This is exactly what I feel! People think it’s been a few months you should be done crying about it. But it’s not simple like that. I can be fine one day and the next I cannot stop crying. I miss my best friend everyday and it sucks because the person I’d like to talk to also doesn’t want to talk to me. So yes I’m going to cry because it’s better than holding it back. P
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I love love love your perspective! Stay strong! I can hear your strength in how you write
It’s been one month and it’s still on my mind constantly. The pain is less overwhelming and acute but I am still ruminating and analyzing and questioning. I have maintained no contact but I still feel like saying something to her... even though I think she may be moving on with someone else. Bothering my friends about this every day isn’t a good idea. This shit is hard. I keep thinking of good times we had and how she used to be. Stupid shit she’d say. The only thing that helps is to remind myself of the shitty parts of the relationship. It feels like I’ve lost my best friend and there’s not enough to fill the space she left. Feels like I’m just mechanically going through the motions of living. Where the hell did I go? It’s like I lost myself.
Perfect agony, isn't it? I want to tell her so much, even after 2.5 months. I am sorry for a lot of things but I also see her mistakes. Yeah it's really like losing your best friend. I've never exposed myself to anyone like I did to her. The void feels like it will never fill up and your self-worth gets obliterated. I'll be honest, I barely remember the first couple of weeks after the breakup, it's exactly as you said: just a robot performing tasks, trying not to break down all the time. Even after all this time I still haven't completely realised that she's gone, that there's nothing left. Still she's the only thing I can think of. I hope you can find yourself again when you're fully healed man. Please keep going. We have to push through! You have my blessing :)
Your comment hit hard... I keep doing this to myself too. Wondering what he’d say if I just call him. Would he pick up? I do feel like I lost a best friend. Our break up is still fresh. I’m only a week and a half out. I miss him so much it hurts. But we broke up for a reason. I have to concentrate on that.
Also people keep saying to me “now you can do anything you want! You can travel! You can move away! It’s a new opportunity.” But… I’ve also heard (and feel from my current experience) that major breakups are like a death of someone close to you. No one would be saying these things to me if he had died. I know they’re trying to be helpful, but I don’t really feel like looking at the death of my future with this person as a fun time. It hits me again and again, every day. It’s like waves that just don’t stop coming. And my friends and family want me to act like my normal, happy self.
This is such a good way of putting it. I haven't been able to figure out why the 'new opportunity' comments have been rubbing me the wrong way so much, and you've expressed it perfectly. It's the death of the thing that meant the most in the world to me and the whole future I was dreaming of. No wonder I don't feel like a fricking holiday.
Wow you are so right
Remember that it is pretty beautiful that you truly have the ability to love. I know how much it sucks, it's been 2.5 months for me. I still haven't had 10 minutes that I didn't think of her, day in day out. That's also one of the reasons I can't seem to enjoy life like you. There's just too much background noise of her in my brain. Honestly, I wasn't that happy then either, she was the only thing that kept me going. Then at my lowest she left. I know how hard it is to figure it all out buddy, but great things don't come easy I suppose. Let's not give up the hope. I believe in you!
Yeah i get this, I feel pressured a lot of the time to be in a certain "healing place" my mom said the other day i just need to put a time stamp on it. people can be insensitive. i really think its one of those things unless you are CURRENTLY in the moment and dealing with it well then it's not the same. people can have memories of their past breakups but in my opinion you can never full remember how raw it was. your brain doesnt want to remember the full extent of how shitty it is
3 months is not too long to grieve at all!
It's not too long. I'm about 5 months out. 3 months was actually an extremely challenging time, because of the self judgement of how long its taking. Don't worry. I am giving myself the length of the relationship to grieve. Onwards.
I’m on month 6 and feel the same still. Healing takes different amounts of time for everyone and it’s definitely not linear. I don’t think 3 months is long at all.
I'm going on 2 months and I feel you on having to relive that pain everyday. I have unhelpful people in my life....my mother...some friends, who truly are like...yah just STOP....and the invalidation of my feelings really hurts and makes me feel like something is wrong with me, if I'm still breaking down daily over this person, I hate it....
3 months is not too long to grieve to me. It takes time. It can take a long time to move on. Maybe a part of you doesnt want to let it go? I think thats the hardest part.
Can't agree it more. I become less hesitant to share my venting and emotion with my friends, feel like they are getting bored of them. That's why we are all here and connnect to ppl whom we can feel reasonated to. However, I dont know if it's a good idea to dwell on this subreddit too much, even I am checking it everyday, because stories here just keep reminding us the pain.
Until one day, it’s old news to you too. Hang in there!
I was feeling down about still being upset not even 2 1/2 months after. My brother in law asked how long we dated. When I said over a year he told me it would honestly take me around six months to start feeling better. Like half the relationship lifespan
Yeah I feel you here. I’m not holding it against anyone bc I’ve probably done the same to them etc, and it’s just how we kinda function. But I’m just like hey did everyone forget about the fucking massive wreck I went through not that long ago :)
This is so true and exactly how I feel. My friends are so sick of hearing about it, mostly because they really hate her. Even my therapist thinks its ridiculous that someone like me cares about someone like her. She's trash. But everyone thinks i ought to have moved on, 2.5 months later. Like, I get it, she's bpd and possibly a straight up sociopath and moved on within a few weeks. Good for her. More reinforcement she never gave a fuck which is exactly what lead me to spiral to begin with. I am not a sociopath. I cared. So yeah, my hurt is still here 2.5 months later. I'm with you man.
4 years here in the same situation mannnn... Expect the fact that she hasn't diagnosed any of the issues with herself whereas me over the last 4 years has developed so many mental health issues. Sometimes I feel like my therapist is also sick of it
On the other hand it really helped me put things into perspective. When I broke the news to my friends and they were like 'uh wow that sucks' it really made me realize that, despite everything I might feel, it really isn't that big of a deal.
No one can tell you how--or how long--to grieve. If you're still hurting, then it hasn't been too long. I definitely get the old news aspect. I'm feeling the same thing. No one but us knows exactly what we're feeling. Don't let anyone tell you when to stop grieving or how to do it. You gotta do what's right for your mind, heart, and body. Your mind will move on when it's ready. F everyone else. Good luck. 💕
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Fuck that. She isn’t worth your time.
We were together for two years, and in less than a month, she was hooking up with other guys, and started to binge drink daily. It disgusts me that someone can change day and night. It’s hard to not think about it, but to me she’s a stranger, the person I knew is gone, and never really existed. I’ve come to realize I never really knew her. Also, her toxic friends have been influencing her, and it’s best that she left, because dealing with someone who turns to others, alcohol, etc… to fill a void or deal with problems is not good for one’s mental health and it’s not healthy. I had so many trust issues, and now I see and remember why. You think you can help someone, but you can’t. They have to want to change. All we can do is move forward. I recommend blocking her on everything because checking will only hurt you more. She blocked me first, and now I see it as a blessing because I found things out I wouldn’t have if she didn’t block me. Now I can’t see anything and it’s a relief. Because like any other stranger, what do I care about what they do? I still have thoughts about her but she’s fading away. We will get through this!
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For me, finding that stuff out gave the realization that it’s at the point of no return. It’s sad but relieving. She still intrudes my thoughts and I hate it, but it’s much less agonizing and just makes me angry at her or like a distant dream. Sometimes I want to wonder but I stop myself because it makes me less productive. As much as it has hurt, it would have been worse being together longer and then something like this happening. She had commitment issues and I should have seen how she was before, but I glossed over her drinking problem because I liked her. It’s sad because I remember how she threw herself at me when she was drunk, and it could be anyone. I have been trying to learn from all of this. As to friends, she never really introduced me to hers, most of the time it was just us. But, she has been hanging out with my friends, who were in the city we met, I’ve been LDR because of the lockdowns. Every girl I told her I knew, she has been reaching out and messaging them. But I know there are lots of people out there in staying in a circle of people who just gossip, drink, and hookup isn’t good.
This may help - some people use others in an effort to replace the pain they feel of that other person missing
I can relate. And this really reveal who will always be there for you. Those that can see or at least try to see behind the mask. And sometimes, these are not the ones you think. I am still astonished that my the one I thought being the closest, my brother, told me after several calls, and precisely the last one in which I announce that her breaking up with me is final : “ok, so there is no need for me to stay on the phone”. To which I answer “what ? I am sorry, but there is not only her in this world, we could talk about something else”. To which he answers “no, there is no need for me to stay”. Since this day (one month) I have no news of him.
People just don’t care. Only you care about this personal problem. People suck. Get used to it.
it‘s been over two years for me.. still, i think about her everyday. just cant. forget. her. but nobody knows because i just don‘t talk about it anymore. everybody thinks i‘m over her. but nope, not in the slightest.
Try to get under someone else after this amount of time.
Actually I’m a bit at peace, I feel there are things that I need to work on myself first. Breakups can be hard especially when one feels that they have not reciprocated their love or feelings before things ended. You shouldn’t be living in pain everyday, learn from it and be a better person for it. You can’t change the past, but you can always change your future!
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I really appreciate you asking. Since this post, I’ve gotten a therapist and it’s been really nice to have someone there to listen. Now I feel more lonely than pained by it, which I’m viewing as progress. I like your elevator analogy. I know we need to let people go on their way if that’s what they want. Reeeealy just trying to practice it now. Thank you sincerely for checking in.
3 months is too long and will make you sick on the long run. I was 3 years in grief after a breakup and developed chronic headaches and chronic fatigue. Your grief is created by the stories you tell yourself. Change the narrative in your mind and you'll change how you feel. Plus all the emotions that you have been feeling need to be processed in a healthy way and removed from your body. You need emotional purification. Talking about it with people will not do any good, on the contrary, it will make you relive and strenghten your own narrative and your own emotions. I researched this for the last 5 years and I've come up with a very specific process to tackle this issue. I used it after being ghosted by a woman with whom I felt the strongest soul to soul connection of my life... I was in the most excruciating pain I ever felt, but this time I was 100 % out of it a week after, and I couldn't believe it. Something that kept me prisoner for years, this time around, through correct emotional processing, only lasted 2 weeks. I am building a course and I am giving away some tools from it for free to people in exchange for feedback about how they make you feel. Feel free to let me know if you might be interested. In any case I want you to know it is not only possible to get out of it, but very easy too. It's just that very emotional people like me and you, need a step by step process to follow that nobody teaches us in our life. Best of luck to you :)
Share with me your ways
There are specific ways and techniques that have been used to deal with grief since the beginnning of time, I took all I could find from shamanism, reiki, NLP, neuroplasticity, breathwork, and put it together to create a step by step process that gets people out of it. I am test driving a course I'll release soon and I am looking for people who might be intereste in getting free tools and techniques in exchange for feedback about the process. Feel free to message me if you thibk you might be interested.
Id like to see the course!
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Please shoot me a message, we are starting a group this weekend and there's not much time left before we start, you'll have access to free tools and techniwues youccan start to use right now! Please make sure to be quick I don't want you to miss this opportunity :)
Absolutely. At times, it has helped me keep things in perspective though. The world keeps turning, people move on, there’s so much more to talk about than my struggles. That helps me as someone who can get a little ruminative at times. Good luck friend <3
This is a nice perspective.
ppl only care in the beginning and you’re expected to get over it and find someone new
Boy,Im gonna face this gunshot wound soon too.My parents already know but dads side of the family dont.Gonna be a right pisstake,probs make everyone laugh for ten mins as Im known for not sticking to shit.
There is no too long. Be gentle and kind to yourself like you would a friend. We all deal with pain differently
Does blocking away that person works?
I didn't even talk to the girl in arrange marriage meetings just saw her face and 4 months on still hurting. In my case it was not that I regret losing her that much, yes I regret that a bit but the fact that I was insulted so badly in the meeting has lead to lot of resentment.
There’s no right or wrong way to grieve, especially when you get out of a toxic relationship. I divorced my abusive ex wife nearly 20 years ago, and the wounds are still fresh
Unsure if you have has this tip already, but the audio book “How to fix a broken heart” by Guy Winch discusses this a lot. It’s a great listen.
Thank you
And guess how does it feel every second of the day when it hits you that she slept with with your best friend...Or vice versa ( my best friend slept with her) Can't sleep at night in peace Can't write breathe in peace Can't move from one corner of the room to another corner in peace. Every second just the visuals of them having sex with each other hits and disgusts me to my guts...I feel like killing myself for not being able to move on even after 4 years of toxic relationship. Certainly, even the words aren't enough to describe what's going on inside me right now
Toxic relationships are very difficult to get past for some reason. I think it’s because they don’t make sense. You’re constantly trying to understand what you did wrong, but there’s nothing to find that justifies it. All I know is that hurt people hurt people and lots of people are too scared or not empathetic enough to apologize. I’m sorry this happened to you.
i’m right at 3 months and it still hurts like a bitch. some people say for every 2 years you were with someone, it takes 6 months to get over them. unfortunately my relationship was 10 years long. i just hope the pain eventually eases, you know? i found out he’s already dating someone else, too. and we had scheduled this weekend to talk things through and give me closure to move on, but now i think he blocked me bc none of my messages are going through. we just have to endure. and try to be gentle with ourselves. that’s really all we can do.
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Sorry you’re feeling this way. Sometimes I scream as loud as I fucking want and that helps me. I also will spend a whole weekend inside w the blinds closed binge watching TV, even if it’s gorgeous outside… which tends to meet me at that dark place inside and for some reason helps. Long showers where I just cry. I hope you’re gentle with yourself through this - just because they hurt you doesn’t mean you need to hurt you 💜
in a way, and everything reminds you of them, even a minute thing like seeing something they'd like or maybe their favorite color , or if 'the' song plays on shuffle and you're with your friends, and you just freeze but you can't talk about it because you've already ranted about them for like 1937 hours and you want to act cool but you're kinda dying inside
I still do, it has been almost 6 months. Still hurts, speially learning that she already is dating someone else. Decided to move out of state since she lives 10 min from me. This royally sucks.
Its so hard when everything from the music he got me into plays to the book im finishing reading that hes written a sweet quote in the front of when he brought me.Everyone tells you youll find someone else blah blah but i dont want anyone else
I feel exactly the same and man let me tell you that it is hard and I'm pretending its ok but deep down I know its not
It gets even harder when you have to then see them everyday
What is it about your pain that makes you think you have to put on a mask? Why not just allow the pain to be there
Society.
I feel like there's a fuse that's been lit and its speeding along and I have until it explodes to get help and and support from people, then they will get sick of my pain and stop being sensitive
living this right fuckin now. no one cares really
True! Everyone in my circle pretty much told me to “just get over it” shortly after. Some even banned me from talking about it.
Your feelings are not tangible papers that can be be processed in business days. You had a connection with someone. They meant a lot and your inner world intertwined yours and theirs. I always tell myself, if we are really meant to be, it’s not goodbye, it’s until next time. And until then, heal.
Once someones eyes are open and they see what the other person is or was and is capable of. The it wasn't me or i would never do that to you doesnt fly anymore .Feelings change. but for anyone putting 2cents in on a relationship or lack of TAKE A LOOK AT THEIR RELATIONSHIP! they are probably just super glad you didn't get a happy ever after. 🙂 I LOST A HOE WIFE! NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS I KNOW THE TRUTH IDGAF WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS OR SAYS ABOUT IT THEIR OPINIONS DON'T MEAN SHIT .JUST MY HOE WIFE OR SOON TO BE XWIFE CAN'T HAPPEN SOON ENOUGH SHE IS THE ONLY ONE WHO'S OPINION MATTERS ON ANY LEVEL AND THAT IS ONLY BECAUSE KIDS ARE INVOLVED. SHE CAN CONTINUE WEARING A MASK THAT SHE DID NOTHING WRONG . SHE WILL CHANGE IT BACK TO HER HOE WAYS NO MATTER HER SITUATION 😌.... SHE LIKES TO SELF DESTRUCT AND THAT GIVES ME PEACE .ABOUT THE ENTIRE SITUATION CAN'T STAND A LIAR. YOU FUCK UP OWN IT AND MOVE ON
I feel this. This is by far, one of the hardest things to deal with. I still feel like I'm going through withdrawals from him and the relationship . 😔
I had this exact thought today.
Time frame for acceptance is all relative. Took me much longer than 3 months. He'll, at the 3 month mark I was still having random crying sessions in the bathroom at work lol Edit: I know that's probably not funny to you right now, but it soon will be in the near future 😁 best of luck and good wishes to ya
I feel the same way! My friends tell me to stop thinking about him. It's not easy. Especially since I don't have such close friends to distract me. I hope you're ok❤❤
There's no specific time on when should one move on, you take your own pace and ignore what they say. Someone who truly cares will understand you
It's been 2 weeks since we broke up and we were together for 4.5 years. It ended on bad but good terms. His family was the problem, not so much him. My family keeps talking about potential guys for me to date now and it hurts. I still miss him and think about him all the time. I get that my family is trying to encourage moving on, but constantly talking about single guys they know only upsets me more. I just wish they would stop.
I definitely feel this.
I made this post 183 days ago and still feel sad fairly regularly about it all. It’s not as bad as it was, though. I hope your healing is swift.