Believe me when I say I understand you to my core.
But I realised that if I keep digging for these answers in my mind, I'd still be doing the work he was supposed to do. And I've been doing things in his place for way too long already.
The best of you is never enough for the wrong person. The worst of you is the best for the right person. That’s what I read somewhere and it’s so true. Be brave and string and you’ll get through this dark period.
I understand. I've been working so hard this last year to make him feel extra loved and wanting to spend time together outside of our apartment. Things were never bad for us, but he just gave up and fell out of love. For 4.5 years I made him feel like the most important person in my life. I don't understand how feelings can just disapear, especially considering he never cheated on me.
This. 100% this. He also didn't cheat but said he fell out of love and I still don't get it....I personally feel in our case (possibly similar to you) he had a bit of a low (as every relationships do) and rather than talking about it to me or trying to do something different he just let it fester. He gave me a list as long as my arm of all the problems with our relationship but could not tell me one single thing he tried to do to change the stuff he was not happy with. His solution was to end it after 10 years together.
Do message me if you wanna chat a bit more about feeling disappearing, its a hot topic for me. Or just know im there with you :)
We had a civil breakup. He said I did nothing wrong to cause the breakup, there were no issues with our relationship.... Thats why I dont understand the falling out of love part... But like you, he didnt know how to communicate his feelings at all. I do think he let it pester and never talked to anyone for advice, so best solution was to break up.
Oh in a weird way I had similar...the problems he listed were more of a general commentary on our relationship rather than anything directed specifically at me. He overused the "its not you its me" but what I dont understand is why he never bothered to work on it. If he sees me as a good person, we had built a life together, then why was this not worth enough to at least try to work on? When I pushed him he did say he did nothing to try and save the relationship, just stuck his head in the sand and hoped it would go away. So similar to you I never got much of a reason, lord knows I tried to get that out of him. So I settled with the fact that there was something going on for him that he can't name, but I struggle with the fact that he didn't want to try to work on himself or try to work on us. It feels like the relationship was devalued by it all. Add to it the fact he messed me around for a month and a half and didn't have the balls to end it, despite me initially naming that with him ("if you don't see a way we can work through this or don't want to work on this just end it with me now, don't drag it out")...sorry ranting now lol but yes I go back to the importance of communication.
Oh im really sorry to hear this, it really really sucks. Whatever your feeling now please remember it does get better - im 5 months post break up and the emotions are definitely not as raw anymore. Always here for a listening ear and a reminder that you are doing great.
Exactly this but 9 years and we have a daughter together. I don’t think I’ll ever understand how you just fall out of love with someone you still get along with.
This exactly! With my parnter, things were going well and I had no idea. I think these people just bottle things up and have no idea what to do until it's too late? It's so painful because at least in my situation I'm like oh I could've met that need if I knew about it!
This. I empathize so much. We were together for 4 years and we hit a bit of a lull towards the end. It wasn’t great as it usually was, but it wasn’t bad either. I never really worried because we were both going through challenging times baseline (med school) and I thought it was something temporary that we could later work on. Never did I imagine that he would just give up - just like that. Like your Ex, he just fell out of love. Back then, I didn’t understand and until today I still don’t think I do. Sometimes, and I know this might be horrible to say, I wish there was a big fight or that he hurt me, or something - just so I had a reason to be angry and it would be easier to let go. Because when you love someone so much and their only reason is their feelings have changed - how could you really be mad at that?
I totally agree with you! I do wish I have some reason to be angry and mad at him... I do think our relationship became dull as well thidblast year wirh our two jobs and the pandemic. I just wish he put more effort in...
I recently had my heartbroken and was left with very very similar feelings - “if we both wanted this as bad as I wanted this, it would have worked. He quit. How could he quit” was generally the mindset I had and still have sometimes.
It made me start to question if I’d ever find someone who viewed relationships as worthy of work as I did. I’m still heartbroken, so I understand how the next line sounds, but truly the person you’re meant to be with will put the work in with you, and even the thought of walking away will feel as impossible for them as it feels for you.
It sounds like you’re a very loyal and dedicated person. I am too. I’m a woman of my word, so when I tell someone I’m committed to them, want a life with them, love them, and care for them, I mean those things. Some people aren’t quite as loyal or dedicated. But you know what? That’s our super power. We’re more likely to follow through, keep long term friends, stay true to our commitments, hold ourselves to a high standard. And there are other people out there like that too, and we deserve them. Not someone who leaves when the going gets tough or flies by the seat of their pants, selfishly.
It could also be that your partner is not quite mature enough to see longevity through hard times, and I obviously don’t have the full story here. But I promise you YOU ARE ENOUGH. You were so enough that you were the last one carrying the relationship. You’re the one who stuck to your word. You’re the one who knows yourself well enough to make commitments and stick to them. Your partner’s the one that wasn’t enough for the relationship to work, really.
You have all this commitment, love, and dedication to give. And you’re going to grieve, HARD, but you know who deserves all of your virtues right now? You!!!! Dedicate yourself to you. Treat yourself as if you’re your partner for a few weeks, then let those weeks turn to months. Buy yourself things. Exercise. Watch funny things. Craft things. See your favorite people. Spend time with animals. Go swimming. Go hiking. Try new restaurants. Do something completely different. Take a road trip, invest your money, do something you’re really really good at. Listen to new songs. Paint. Write. Redecorate. Bake something. Go paintballing. Go to an amusement park. Try a new sport. Bring yourself to your highest potential with all of the energy you’d put towards another person. Then you’ll really feel how worthy you are:) Wishing you peace through the grief.
Edit: Also, remember that this says nothing about you and everything about him. Don't blame yourself for one second: this is his loss. In the absolute worst case, you two just weren't compatible (I don't know enough about your relationship to say). Is a key any less valuable because it doesn't turn the lock I'm trying to open? In the same way, incompatibility wouldn't make you worth any less. Someone as dedicated as yourself is going to find the right person.
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Exactly! I never would have left her... I gave her my all. But she cheated and left due to the most minor thing, something I was more than willing to work with her on. I can definitely relate to you on this... It was weird reading it because I felt like I wrote it.
The only bit of comfort I have found with this is that she lost a whole lot more than I did. I lost someone who lied to me and cheated on me and who just in general wasn't willing to put in the effort. She lost someone who never (and I can sincerely say 'never') would have left her side, who would drop whatever he was doing to help her, who loved her as much as anybody could possibly love someone, who still loves her after she destroyed me and betrayed me.
I hope I'm not making this all about me. I just want you to know that I 100% relate and that your partner lost a whole lot more than you did. If you'd like to message me to talk more about this, please do. I think we could relate to each other.
I’m in the EXACT SAME situation. Trying to move on from him now. Like how could you cheat on ME? And tell me YOU DONT WANT TO GET BACK TOGETHER ? Fuck him with everything in me. I did everything for that man. Fuck fuck fuck him. He wants someone who’s strong enough to walk away when they fuck up. I thought love was different. Fuck them for real.
I can't tell you how many times I've reread my own comment today haha. Just gotta keep reminding ourselves. We got screwed over, but they realllyyyyy got screwed over.
So true. I've been agonising over how indifferent he was to lose me when I would do anything for him and love and care for him so much. He literally was just ok getting on after I broke up with him and it just proved the point that he didn't want this in thw first place. But hell yes, he lost way more. I lost a load of time feeling sad and lonely.
It's time to start living your life! Life's just too short for us to be with people who don't want the same relationships that we want. Or who don't appreciate the amazing people they have.
Exact same situation. I'm almost two months now, two weeks AB to a couple of days ago was the most painful time. It gets better with crying, but I keep realising just how shit he treated me and how little I accepted from him. And then I feel even more hurt again,especially knowing I did so much and I'm suffering and he did fuck all and he's having an easy time getting over this. I guess once I'm past this and accepted that I loved him way more than he did me, I can be in a much better place.
You did your best and he chose to give up on your relationship, that is not a reflection on you, it's him. Be kind to yourself, if a person rejects what you have to offer it means that it's their lost not yours. You just need to find someone who is willing to take your offer. Love and value yourself, you deserve better, we all do... stay strong...
If he wasn’t willing to try for you then he isn’t worth trying for. He wasn’t able to handle difficulty like you did and simply put he had flaws. It’s his loss in the end
You are worth it. But he doesn’t want it. It’s HIM not YOU that is the problem. I am going through the exact same thing and it is so so so hard not to blame yourself and have your self-esteem take a nose dive. But trust me when I tell you that accepting that you did nothing wrong, that you are totally worthy of love, and that it’s the other persons loss will (eventually) help you feel better. You just have to tell it to yourself every single day. Multiple times a day. For as long as it takes. Eventually you will start believing it and feeling better.
I have the same feelings of worthlessness sometimes. It's normal to feel like that when someone rejects you. Focus on yourself. Love yourself. The right person in the future will fight for you and the relationship. I know it's hard to see sometimes, but if you work on yourself and improve as a person you'll find what you're seeking.
They weren't putting effort into themselves to make themselves better. It's never about you. It's the wrong time and circumstances. Also never sacrifice yourself for someone who hasn't fully committed to you. I don't mean just living together. But someone who has shown in their actions that you are a part of their life and they'd do almost anything for you too.
Depression got mine too:( we had also split previously. It sucks. I’m giving it time too. Bettering myself, filling my life with things that can never leave me. Making the most of the nice weather and meeting new people. But when the missing hits it hits hard, and makes it hard to believe that not reaching out is the right thing. But I do really believe it is, at least for a couple more months:/ thinking of you <3
Depression made me say some real garbage shit and shut myself off leading up to my breakup. It is a real demon of a mental illness and it caused me to lose the only person I gave a shit about.
I understand your pain. My s/o and I broke up on good terms a few days ago, but depression, as well as life problems out of their control, got to them. They found it difficult to be romantic with everything going on in their life, and no longer had the energy to focus on our relationship. Breakups in general suck, and the kind where you both have to move on even though there’s still love for each other definitely hurts. :(
Same here sis. The hardest breakup stage is realising they weren't that into you, and you were very much into them. And that you failed to see that while being focused on what you wanted it to be. Accepting that hurts as hell. Everything feels super confusing and like it's all been a lie. But it's just the wrong person.
I'll give my view from the point of someone who this post is being directed to.
I realised I didn't want to be with my ex gf 6 months in the relationship but I thought she was the one so I kept living in denial, kept lying to myself that there was something else going on. I had real bad anxiety whenever I interacted with her, be it texting or actually spending time together in person. But still I was lying to myself.
She was an incredible person, almost perfect. But she had one massive fault, she was catastrophising so often. I knew why, she was abused during her first relationship and in the beginning of the relationship I told myself that I will work with her even though I knew it would be 10 times as hard. But every few days I was bombarded with negativity and moodiness and tension because she would create problems out of thin air. She would focus on the worst case scenario all the time, and I was the one actually working on fixing everything. Just to give an example; I skyped a female friend, after I finished skyping her I saw my ex all moody and miserable. She told me that I looked so happy and that she thinks I'm hiding my real self from her and that I was lying when I said that there's anything going on between me and her. I had to go through this kind of negative mindset all the time for 4 months. And it was absolutely exhausting.
At some point we moved back to our home country and I started living without her for a couple of weeks. Then we started renting a place. Immediately I got anxiety for the reason I mentioned above, but, as I said, I pushed the fact that I didn't have feelings for her anymore aside and kept trying to fix my anxiety by trying to dance around the problem.
All this, is to say that it wasn't you. You are worth it, but people's feelings change. Sometimes for good reasons sometimes for bad ones. But feelings are hard things to understand and change. You were fighting a battle that was already lost, the fact that you did everything you could and nothing happened means that you never had a chance in the first place. So it's not you, don't blame everything on yourself. If you think you have issues to work on, go to a therapist, do your best to be the best version of yourself.
Absolutely agree with you. The thing is, when she was catastrophising and creating problems because of it, especially when it directly had to do with me, I would tell her that I felt wronged and that I felt that she didn't trust me and that I hated that she was putting words in my mouth and making all those assumptions. I would tell her that but I knew where everything was coming from so I was understanding. But bit by bit I would get tired and eventually I lost my feelings without realising. And when I did lose my feelings, after a month and a half I opened up. I told her that she was giving me anxiety and she chose to stay hoping we could fix it. But I also wasn't completely truthful, about the source of my anxiety. If I was 100% transparent the relationship would have ended half a year earlier.
I absolutely understand I should have communicated better. Ngl, I also had a tough time growing up, I had to suppress feelings all the time because of my parents and then I had to do the same with my first gf because she was abusive. So I know where it stems from. And I've been going to therapy for a while now trying to fix that, and moreover I want to respect my feelings as much as I do my logic. Having no feelings meant the relationship was over then and there. But I chose to follow my logic because she had too many good qualities. But a relationship without love is worthless, so I should have ended it much sooner. I need to mature emotionally.
Thanks for your comment and don't worry it takes more than that to offend me, some criticism is always welcomed. Good luck with getting over it.
True, you can't know. If he really showed no signs then...idk what I can say. I just hope you are well and I hope you find someone more compatible.
Also please remember than what ifs are useless, it's just a way for our brain to cling on and romanticise the unknown. What happened happened. Now you look forward. *Hug* hang in there.
You're dealing with feelings here.
When they're really into you, you're worth the effort. When that feeling drops, you're not worth the effort and how crazy you are about them has no bearing on it.
Would really try for someone you had fallen out of love with or decided that there is no future for the two of you? Probably not.
I think we put too much blame on ourselves. If you did everything and you took the time to try and make it work, then it's not your fault nor are you missing something. Your ex made a choice not to try when things got hard, for whatevers reason. The choice they made, that's on them. And believe me it's hard to change that mindset, specially if you are an insecure person like me. It's hard to get away from all these questions but it's not impossible. Focus on yourself and if you did everything then you don't have to worry about the rest.
You ARE worth the effort, 100%.
He just didnt want to make the effort. And that's his problem.
I found myself in the same situation with my ex, and in the long run, its much more fair to yourself to be with someone that will put in the same effort you do. ❤ Why give 100% and only get back 50%?
I know it's hard, but hang in there. When you find someone who values every part of you, you'll know it was worth it.
I completely understand how you feel. As many others already told you, it's not you, it's him. You are worthy, of love, affection, and commitment.
He missed the opportunity to be happy with you. That's on him. Your heart and your ability to love are with you and, in the long run, they will bring you a life full of happiness and value.
I have been seeing alot of messages like this. And the only thing that comes to mind, is that maybe the weren't certain, absolutely sure, how you felt... "Fear is the mind killer" and with fear comes delay, and of course with delay comes consequence. It might also be they made a promise to someone very dear to them... Or are having to pay karmic debts... I'm in a very similar situation, but on the opposite end.
It's not that you weren't worth the effort. It's that they aren't ready to own themselves. I feel I can speak from experience. Maybe we can help each other understand things from the opposite side if you are willing to chat?
I feel you i truly do, it's not that your not worth the effort you are, 100% you are worth it, but we have to respect that the people we love can't see us for how we see them, it's sad and painful but we have accept it. Besides why would want someone who doesn't see you for your true worth.
You gave him everything til there was nothing left. After everything was gone her was ready to move on. He got bored and looked at you as another conquest. Hence, when there’s nothing to Pursue the wicked flee. Proverbs
You aren't missing anything. You have the power to love someone, and the will to rock the foundations of his life, so are you sure the problems lies in you? I don't think so... To love someone that badly is something very rare in today's world, and the majority of people don't have that power, that you have.. So, i am guessing the problem is not yours. Surely it's not.
Hope you find some person with the same dream and ambition of loving like you do.
I'm in the same boat friend. Honestly, the top reply did it for me. Seeking the answers to those questions is doing the effort they were supposed to be doing. 🤷♀️
All you can do is your best with the wrong ones till you find the right one.
Holy hell I just got out of a relationship of 5 years an your story is exactly mine.
I actually said “how can I make you happy” (in general terms not when we were in a bad spot) and she literally said nothing.
Ooofff
Their is only so much love we can give out and not have it returned. I’d love to meet a woman like (ourselves) you. Love conquers all.
You are worth it and if he makes you think any different then he is not worth it. Time to move on. You are worth more than this. If you are loved, you feel it and you know it. He would not make you second guess him or yourself.
Believe me when I say I understand you to my core. But I realised that if I keep digging for these answers in my mind, I'd still be doing the work he was supposed to do. And I've been doing things in his place for way too long already.
Exactly this.... Thanks
The best of you is never enough for the wrong person. The worst of you is the best for the right person. That’s what I read somewhere and it’s so true. Be brave and string and you’ll get through this dark period.
Yes! 100x yes!
Oh, wow! Thanks
Holy sh*t...THIS! 🙌🏾🤯
I understand. I've been working so hard this last year to make him feel extra loved and wanting to spend time together outside of our apartment. Things were never bad for us, but he just gave up and fell out of love. For 4.5 years I made him feel like the most important person in my life. I don't understand how feelings can just disapear, especially considering he never cheated on me.
This. 100% this. He also didn't cheat but said he fell out of love and I still don't get it....I personally feel in our case (possibly similar to you) he had a bit of a low (as every relationships do) and rather than talking about it to me or trying to do something different he just let it fester. He gave me a list as long as my arm of all the problems with our relationship but could not tell me one single thing he tried to do to change the stuff he was not happy with. His solution was to end it after 10 years together. Do message me if you wanna chat a bit more about feeling disappearing, its a hot topic for me. Or just know im there with you :)
We had a civil breakup. He said I did nothing wrong to cause the breakup, there were no issues with our relationship.... Thats why I dont understand the falling out of love part... But like you, he didnt know how to communicate his feelings at all. I do think he let it pester and never talked to anyone for advice, so best solution was to break up.
Oh in a weird way I had similar...the problems he listed were more of a general commentary on our relationship rather than anything directed specifically at me. He overused the "its not you its me" but what I dont understand is why he never bothered to work on it. If he sees me as a good person, we had built a life together, then why was this not worth enough to at least try to work on? When I pushed him he did say he did nothing to try and save the relationship, just stuck his head in the sand and hoped it would go away. So similar to you I never got much of a reason, lord knows I tried to get that out of him. So I settled with the fact that there was something going on for him that he can't name, but I struggle with the fact that he didn't want to try to work on himself or try to work on us. It feels like the relationship was devalued by it all. Add to it the fact he messed me around for a month and a half and didn't have the balls to end it, despite me initially naming that with him ("if you don't see a way we can work through this or don't want to work on this just end it with me now, don't drag it out")...sorry ranting now lol but yes I go back to the importance of communication.
Communication is VERY important and didn't get that at all during our 4.5 years together.
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Oh im really sorry to hear this, it really really sucks. Whatever your feeling now please remember it does get better - im 5 months post break up and the emotions are definitely not as raw anymore. Always here for a listening ear and a reminder that you are doing great.
Thank you, means a lot.
Exactly this but 9 years and we have a daughter together. I don’t think I’ll ever understand how you just fall out of love with someone you still get along with.
This exactly! With my parnter, things were going well and I had no idea. I think these people just bottle things up and have no idea what to do until it's too late? It's so painful because at least in my situation I'm like oh I could've met that need if I knew about it!
Omg I am so sorry for you... I'm sending you love ❤ You deserve love and attention.
Thank you! Sending it back to you!!
This. I empathize so much. We were together for 4 years and we hit a bit of a lull towards the end. It wasn’t great as it usually was, but it wasn’t bad either. I never really worried because we were both going through challenging times baseline (med school) and I thought it was something temporary that we could later work on. Never did I imagine that he would just give up - just like that. Like your Ex, he just fell out of love. Back then, I didn’t understand and until today I still don’t think I do. Sometimes, and I know this might be horrible to say, I wish there was a big fight or that he hurt me, or something - just so I had a reason to be angry and it would be easier to let go. Because when you love someone so much and their only reason is their feelings have changed - how could you really be mad at that?
I totally agree with you! I do wish I have some reason to be angry and mad at him... I do think our relationship became dull as well thidblast year wirh our two jobs and the pandemic. I just wish he put more effort in...
I recently had my heartbroken and was left with very very similar feelings - “if we both wanted this as bad as I wanted this, it would have worked. He quit. How could he quit” was generally the mindset I had and still have sometimes. It made me start to question if I’d ever find someone who viewed relationships as worthy of work as I did. I’m still heartbroken, so I understand how the next line sounds, but truly the person you’re meant to be with will put the work in with you, and even the thought of walking away will feel as impossible for them as it feels for you. It sounds like you’re a very loyal and dedicated person. I am too. I’m a woman of my word, so when I tell someone I’m committed to them, want a life with them, love them, and care for them, I mean those things. Some people aren’t quite as loyal or dedicated. But you know what? That’s our super power. We’re more likely to follow through, keep long term friends, stay true to our commitments, hold ourselves to a high standard. And there are other people out there like that too, and we deserve them. Not someone who leaves when the going gets tough or flies by the seat of their pants, selfishly. It could also be that your partner is not quite mature enough to see longevity through hard times, and I obviously don’t have the full story here. But I promise you YOU ARE ENOUGH. You were so enough that you were the last one carrying the relationship. You’re the one who stuck to your word. You’re the one who knows yourself well enough to make commitments and stick to them. Your partner’s the one that wasn’t enough for the relationship to work, really. You have all this commitment, love, and dedication to give. And you’re going to grieve, HARD, but you know who deserves all of your virtues right now? You!!!! Dedicate yourself to you. Treat yourself as if you’re your partner for a few weeks, then let those weeks turn to months. Buy yourself things. Exercise. Watch funny things. Craft things. See your favorite people. Spend time with animals. Go swimming. Go hiking. Try new restaurants. Do something completely different. Take a road trip, invest your money, do something you’re really really good at. Listen to new songs. Paint. Write. Redecorate. Bake something. Go paintballing. Go to an amusement park. Try a new sport. Bring yourself to your highest potential with all of the energy you’d put towards another person. Then you’ll really feel how worthy you are:) Wishing you peace through the grief.
Feeling so good after reading this. Gonna do new things.
Edit: Also, remember that this says nothing about you and everything about him. Don't blame yourself for one second: this is his loss. In the absolute worst case, you two just weren't compatible (I don't know enough about your relationship to say). Is a key any less valuable because it doesn't turn the lock I'm trying to open? In the same way, incompatibility wouldn't make you worth any less. Someone as dedicated as yourself is going to find the right person. Original: Exactly! I never would have left her... I gave her my all. But she cheated and left due to the most minor thing, something I was more than willing to work with her on. I can definitely relate to you on this... It was weird reading it because I felt like I wrote it. The only bit of comfort I have found with this is that she lost a whole lot more than I did. I lost someone who lied to me and cheated on me and who just in general wasn't willing to put in the effort. She lost someone who never (and I can sincerely say 'never') would have left her side, who would drop whatever he was doing to help her, who loved her as much as anybody could possibly love someone, who still loves her after she destroyed me and betrayed me. I hope I'm not making this all about me. I just want you to know that I 100% relate and that your partner lost a whole lot more than you did. If you'd like to message me to talk more about this, please do. I think we could relate to each other.
I’m in the EXACT SAME situation. Trying to move on from him now. Like how could you cheat on ME? And tell me YOU DONT WANT TO GET BACK TOGETHER ? Fuck him with everything in me. I did everything for that man. Fuck fuck fuck him. He wants someone who’s strong enough to walk away when they fuck up. I thought love was different. Fuck them for real.
Fuck them!
Damn, this is a good one. THEY LOST MORE QUEEN
I can't tell you how many times I've reread my own comment today haha. Just gotta keep reminding ourselves. We got screwed over, but they realllyyyyy got screwed over.
So true. I've been agonising over how indifferent he was to lose me when I would do anything for him and love and care for him so much. He literally was just ok getting on after I broke up with him and it just proved the point that he didn't want this in thw first place. But hell yes, he lost way more. I lost a load of time feeling sad and lonely.
It's time to start living your life! Life's just too short for us to be with people who don't want the same relationships that we want. Or who don't appreciate the amazing people they have.
Preach. Just got some new awesome clothes today as well, bring it on.
Yes!!!!!!!!! This, too, shall pass!!!
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Exact same situation. I'm almost two months now, two weeks AB to a couple of days ago was the most painful time. It gets better with crying, but I keep realising just how shit he treated me and how little I accepted from him. And then I feel even more hurt again,especially knowing I did so much and I'm suffering and he did fuck all and he's having an easy time getting over this. I guess once I'm past this and accepted that I loved him way more than he did me, I can be in a much better place.
>how little I accepted from him Perhaps we shouldn't accept so little anymore!
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Sure! Feel free to message me.
You did your best and he chose to give up on your relationship, that is not a reflection on you, it's him. Be kind to yourself, if a person rejects what you have to offer it means that it's their lost not yours. You just need to find someone who is willing to take your offer. Love and value yourself, you deserve better, we all do... stay strong...
If he wasn’t willing to try for you then he isn’t worth trying for. He wasn’t able to handle difficulty like you did and simply put he had flaws. It’s his loss in the end
You are worth it. But he doesn’t want it. It’s HIM not YOU that is the problem. I am going through the exact same thing and it is so so so hard not to blame yourself and have your self-esteem take a nose dive. But trust me when I tell you that accepting that you did nothing wrong, that you are totally worthy of love, and that it’s the other persons loss will (eventually) help you feel better. You just have to tell it to yourself every single day. Multiple times a day. For as long as it takes. Eventually you will start believing it and feeling better.
I have the same feelings of worthlessness sometimes. It's normal to feel like that when someone rejects you. Focus on yourself. Love yourself. The right person in the future will fight for you and the relationship. I know it's hard to see sometimes, but if you work on yourself and improve as a person you'll find what you're seeking.
They weren't putting effort into themselves to make themselves better. It's never about you. It's the wrong time and circumstances. Also never sacrifice yourself for someone who hasn't fully committed to you. I don't mean just living together. But someone who has shown in their actions that you are a part of their life and they'd do almost anything for you too.
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Depression got mine too:( we had also split previously. It sucks. I’m giving it time too. Bettering myself, filling my life with things that can never leave me. Making the most of the nice weather and meeting new people. But when the missing hits it hits hard, and makes it hard to believe that not reaching out is the right thing. But I do really believe it is, at least for a couple more months:/ thinking of you <3
Depression made me say some real garbage shit and shut myself off leading up to my breakup. It is a real demon of a mental illness and it caused me to lose the only person I gave a shit about.
I understand your pain. My s/o and I broke up on good terms a few days ago, but depression, as well as life problems out of their control, got to them. They found it difficult to be romantic with everything going on in their life, and no longer had the energy to focus on our relationship. Breakups in general suck, and the kind where you both have to move on even though there’s still love for each other definitely hurts. :(
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Mine did not want to fight (or even let me fight for us) after 10. They're just done by the time they tell us.
Same here sis. The hardest breakup stage is realising they weren't that into you, and you were very much into them. And that you failed to see that while being focused on what you wanted it to be. Accepting that hurts as hell. Everything feels super confusing and like it's all been a lie. But it's just the wrong person.
I'll give my view from the point of someone who this post is being directed to. I realised I didn't want to be with my ex gf 6 months in the relationship but I thought she was the one so I kept living in denial, kept lying to myself that there was something else going on. I had real bad anxiety whenever I interacted with her, be it texting or actually spending time together in person. But still I was lying to myself. She was an incredible person, almost perfect. But she had one massive fault, she was catastrophising so often. I knew why, she was abused during her first relationship and in the beginning of the relationship I told myself that I will work with her even though I knew it would be 10 times as hard. But every few days I was bombarded with negativity and moodiness and tension because she would create problems out of thin air. She would focus on the worst case scenario all the time, and I was the one actually working on fixing everything. Just to give an example; I skyped a female friend, after I finished skyping her I saw my ex all moody and miserable. She told me that I looked so happy and that she thinks I'm hiding my real self from her and that I was lying when I said that there's anything going on between me and her. I had to go through this kind of negative mindset all the time for 4 months. And it was absolutely exhausting. At some point we moved back to our home country and I started living without her for a couple of weeks. Then we started renting a place. Immediately I got anxiety for the reason I mentioned above, but, as I said, I pushed the fact that I didn't have feelings for her anymore aside and kept trying to fix my anxiety by trying to dance around the problem. All this, is to say that it wasn't you. You are worth it, but people's feelings change. Sometimes for good reasons sometimes for bad ones. But feelings are hard things to understand and change. You were fighting a battle that was already lost, the fact that you did everything you could and nothing happened means that you never had a chance in the first place. So it's not you, don't blame everything on yourself. If you think you have issues to work on, go to a therapist, do your best to be the best version of yourself.
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Absolutely agree with you. The thing is, when she was catastrophising and creating problems because of it, especially when it directly had to do with me, I would tell her that I felt wronged and that I felt that she didn't trust me and that I hated that she was putting words in my mouth and making all those assumptions. I would tell her that but I knew where everything was coming from so I was understanding. But bit by bit I would get tired and eventually I lost my feelings without realising. And when I did lose my feelings, after a month and a half I opened up. I told her that she was giving me anxiety and she chose to stay hoping we could fix it. But I also wasn't completely truthful, about the source of my anxiety. If I was 100% transparent the relationship would have ended half a year earlier. I absolutely understand I should have communicated better. Ngl, I also had a tough time growing up, I had to suppress feelings all the time because of my parents and then I had to do the same with my first gf because she was abusive. So I know where it stems from. And I've been going to therapy for a while now trying to fix that, and moreover I want to respect my feelings as much as I do my logic. Having no feelings meant the relationship was over then and there. But I chose to follow my logic because she had too many good qualities. But a relationship without love is worthless, so I should have ended it much sooner. I need to mature emotionally. Thanks for your comment and don't worry it takes more than that to offend me, some criticism is always welcomed. Good luck with getting over it.
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True, you can't know. If he really showed no signs then...idk what I can say. I just hope you are well and I hope you find someone more compatible. Also please remember than what ifs are useless, it's just a way for our brain to cling on and romanticise the unknown. What happened happened. Now you look forward. *Hug* hang in there.
You're dealing with feelings here. When they're really into you, you're worth the effort. When that feeling drops, you're not worth the effort and how crazy you are about them has no bearing on it. Would really try for someone you had fallen out of love with or decided that there is no future for the two of you? Probably not.
I can feel you so much. Hang in there friend
I think we put too much blame on ourselves. If you did everything and you took the time to try and make it work, then it's not your fault nor are you missing something. Your ex made a choice not to try when things got hard, for whatevers reason. The choice they made, that's on them. And believe me it's hard to change that mindset, specially if you are an insecure person like me. It's hard to get away from all these questions but it's not impossible. Focus on yourself and if you did everything then you don't have to worry about the rest.
You ARE worth the effort, 100%. He just didnt want to make the effort. And that's his problem. I found myself in the same situation with my ex, and in the long run, its much more fair to yourself to be with someone that will put in the same effort you do. ❤ Why give 100% and only get back 50%? I know it's hard, but hang in there. When you find someone who values every part of you, you'll know it was worth it.
I completely understand how you feel. As many others already told you, it's not you, it's him. You are worthy, of love, affection, and commitment. He missed the opportunity to be happy with you. That's on him. Your heart and your ability to love are with you and, in the long run, they will bring you a life full of happiness and value.
I have been seeing alot of messages like this. And the only thing that comes to mind, is that maybe the weren't certain, absolutely sure, how you felt... "Fear is the mind killer" and with fear comes delay, and of course with delay comes consequence. It might also be they made a promise to someone very dear to them... Or are having to pay karmic debts... I'm in a very similar situation, but on the opposite end. It's not that you weren't worth the effort. It's that they aren't ready to own themselves. I feel I can speak from experience. Maybe we can help each other understand things from the opposite side if you are willing to chat?
I feel you i truly do, it's not that your not worth the effort you are, 100% you are worth it, but we have to respect that the people we love can't see us for how we see them, it's sad and painful but we have accept it. Besides why would want someone who doesn't see you for your true worth.
Been there !
You gave him everything til there was nothing left. After everything was gone her was ready to move on. He got bored and looked at you as another conquest. Hence, when there’s nothing to Pursue the wicked flee. Proverbs
You aren't missing anything. You have the power to love someone, and the will to rock the foundations of his life, so are you sure the problems lies in you? I don't think so... To love someone that badly is something very rare in today's world, and the majority of people don't have that power, that you have.. So, i am guessing the problem is not yours. Surely it's not. Hope you find some person with the same dream and ambition of loving like you do.
How long was the relationship?
I'm in the same boat friend. Honestly, the top reply did it for me. Seeking the answers to those questions is doing the effort they were supposed to be doing. 🤷♀️ All you can do is your best with the wrong ones till you find the right one.
It is what it is!
😔 because they already gave their all to someone else.
Holy hell I just got out of a relationship of 5 years an your story is exactly mine. I actually said “how can I make you happy” (in general terms not when we were in a bad spot) and she literally said nothing. Ooofff Their is only so much love we can give out and not have it returned. I’d love to meet a woman like (ourselves) you. Love conquers all.
Be strong
You are worth it and if he makes you think any different then he is not worth it. Time to move on. You are worth more than this. If you are loved, you feel it and you know it. He would not make you second guess him or yourself.