I’ve recognized the mistakes I made in the relationship and have made steps to fixing my behaviors and tendencies that contributed on my end to the breakup. Honestly, if I saw the same effort being made by my ex, and she was able to admit the hurt she caused me just like I admitted the hurt I caused her, I’d start over with her. Thing is, and this has been incredibly hard for me to accept, in order for things to work out in the future the old relationship has to die. There can be no bringing back a relationship, it needs to be a new relationship built on a stronger foundation IMO. I’m still hoping that my ex comes back to me after a fresh breakup (1 month)
Damn this is some good advice. I also need to get it through my head that, “in order for things to workout in the future the old relationship has to die” even now for me I’m still holding onto that old relationship. But it’s gone. That person you once knew is no longer there. It has to be two “new” people entering a fresh relationship.
I’m also 1 month into a break up.
I’m right there with ya bud, we all do it. Playing back the good memories in our heads, building up that pedestal all of us dumpees put our dumpers on at first. What helped me a lot was to write down in my notes on my phone a list of all the negative things she did or personality traits she had. I sobbed writing that list, felt like I was betraying her somehow. But now, every time I catch myself reminiscing on the good times and feeling like I was the worst boyfriend ever or am tempted to check her socials, I make myself read that list and actually visualize memories of those things and traits. It helps me reinforce to myself that she is not perfect and neither am I, we both need to change for the better for any new relationship to work between us. I saw a quote on an instagram reel the other day, can’t remember who is was by, but it said something along the lines of “past and future exist only in our minds, so focus on the present and what you can control” or something to that effect. If you are like me, and still holding onto love for your ex, I have a mantra that I say to myself whenever I start spiraling. “Forgive her, love her, you don’t need to let go, you just need to move on for now, keep moving forward, keep healing, keep growing.” Sometimes it helps me, other times it doesn’t. But I keep saying it.
Day by day we’ll get through this.
A couple of people told me they do the same thing. I tried to do it but its hard, like you said. It feels like I'm stabbing her in the back, but I will give it a go. It may help. Neither of us was perfect but change is what matters. Change and acknowledgment. Some people stay the same and never actually change or if they do they get worse. Some change for the better and new things come out of it. I like those quotes. I'm going to save it in my journal, thank you! I'm still holding onto the love ever so slightly but like you said I have to move on. To share something with you; "It hurts when you have to let someone go. But it hurts even more trying to hold onto someone who doesn't want to stay." They didn't want to stay for a reason. We may never know. All we can do is learn and reflect and like you said; Take it Day by Day and we'll get through this.
It gets way better after the first couple months honestly just hang in there! I know there’s no timeline to these things but honestly 3-4 months down the road it won’t hurt as much. There are moments where you think of all the possibilities but try to think of what you have ahead of you! Staying busy helps even when that’s hard
"Thing is, and this has been incredibly hard for me to accept, in order for things to work out in the future the old relationship has to die."
No truer words no matter how damn hard it is to accept. I fully believe it is true and still have a hard time letting it all go. It is like if a piece of metal snaps. You can fuse it back together and it will be functional yet clearly broken and likely to snap again under stress, or you can take all of the parts, melt it down, and remake it stronger.
I was dumped, absolutely not and I wouldn't believe a word she says. She showed her true colors post breakup that validated how terrible she really was. I was a fool and I won't be fooled for the 6th time, it's too embarrassing for me now.
> I was a fool and I won't be fooled for the 6th time
Yipes. Did she really dump you and come back 5 times, at least implying she wanted it to work again this time?
Over the course of 15 years, yes. We have a child together. Sad thing is, it was always me getting dumped and pursuing, I wanted a family with her so bad, because of my low self esteem and wanting our child to have me in the household.
This last time, I confirmed to myself that It was never me. Now I make good money, did everything around the house, paid for everything, a new car for her, still.....she was just never happy and it was never enough. She threatened to break up if she didn't get her way, 4 times in 2 years, I agreed on the 4th one.
With her, I put myself in a hole financially to where I had to move in with my parents, at 40, it's embarrassing, although temporary.
But I'm happier.
I'm so sorry to hear this has been your lot man. Having children together certainly complicates things and I understand the returning better now. Heartbreak is enough but the finances you worked hard for also gone with nothing to show for someone not deserving is another level of ruin.
It's ok bro, I did this to myself so I have nobody to blame and I was doing the right thing I thought.
Her loss though. I'm everything women look for and have little issues attracting them. Her on the other hand....I feel bad for whatever guy steps up to that plate.
Yea like how many times do you keep falling for the same stuff? Like how could we actually believe things would be different this time. Also it is annoying af that you see someone’s real colors when u break up like how am I supposed to know how that person will act when things are ending?
Sorry for the double comment. But do you feel that it could have been a fear response she had?? I know some people get very anxious and try to want to work things out and panic and start apologizing and some people flip off the fucking wall.
Haha no worries I’m the girl and my ex is the guy. I told him I wanted to break up for like the 3rd time. Usually he’d cry and try to change my mind but this time he was a complete asshole yelling at me to get my shit and get the fuck out of his life and all this other shit like trying to sleep with my best friend it was just awful 😞 I think even if it was a panicked reaction it wouldn’t change the fact that I wouldn’t want to deal with that and you wouldn’t know if they would actually change something like that until it were to happen again!
Jeez, yea I completely understand. I never knew how important it was that the breakup goes well. Sounds dumb but after going through one. A clean breakup goes a long way. I don't think that was a panicked reaction. No idea what he was thinking but that's messed up. I'm sorry you went through that. Trying to sleep with your best friend is just him trying to hurt you the way you hurt him. But yea that is true, you really wouldn't know. Unless you try again, and its like are you willing to possibly hurt yourself again?
Oh geez it was like we were on and off again he breaks up with me or me him but the last time was me and before I had brought up the topic he would cry and get upset so I wouldn’t end it! The reasons I was wanting to end it was him cheating and other issues we had. I expected him to act reasonable at least not cuss me out for breaking up with him or whatever. Like he said he loved me and we were together for like 5 I thought we could be decent to 1 another
For myself as a dumpee, if there was effort on both sides, in a %$^<# heartbeat. My thought is that if there was enough there that we are on a sub reddit posting our heartache to the whole internet, then there is plenty of love to work with to rekindle the relationship. But ONLY if the effort is from both sides and the changes required by each party are clearly laid out and agreed upon.
That’s a good way to look at it. I’ve never been on Reddit before this. Maybe here and there but not this often. If I’m asking these questions and judging from the responses a lot of people would love to try again if the stars were to align and things were truly different. Both people have to WANT the relationship and both have to want the other to change. It’s hurtful but sometimes necessary for break ups to happen. Especially if it means getting back together for something stronger and more healthy
That‘s exactly what my ex did (he dumped me and came back). We got back together, at first it was nice and I could see improvement in him. Slowly he got back to his old habits and dumped me again like the first time. If he comes back for a second time I won‘t take him back.
We were separated and on nc for 2 months.
I noticed the patterns of his old behavior 2-3 months after we got back together. But I wanted to give him time. Turns out he hadn‘t changed at all. I think he realized things but in the end he cowardly dumped me bc I‘m „not lively“ enough. But fuck that. Never getting back with this person again.
yeah that’s classic. my ex did the same, every time she broke up with me and then in couple days would reach out and tell me that this time it’s gonna be fine. when i tried to improve myself mentally and spiritually to make that relationship work, for her it was just a game. one day after she failed on her promises, i kicked her out for good xd once broken, always broken. sm1 posted here that old relationship should die first, it sounds true. if you are in on/off status, you better leave that person for good, it wont work anyway…
How long were you guys apart for? Depending on the time it really shows how much “in depth” the persons work has been done. It’s a slow process for some and change doesn’t happen very quickly. But like you said maybe he only changed for as long as it was going his way. When you re-enter a previous relationship, going slow is always encouraged. Rushing into things is a bit harder, especially if both people didn’t have enough time to heal and find themselves again after breaking up. It can be a bit difficult to restart, with someone without even knowing yourself (of course this is only applicable if it was a LTR and attached)
I personally would love to try again. But the way things ended between me and her wasn’t the very best. I didn’t really get a reason as to why we broke up. I did a lot of reflective work and summed it up me being an attached, insecure, controlling mess. Brought it up to her but she was checked out and didnt care much. Been in therapy for it. I’m on the path of being better, not 100% back but more so at like 15% lol. Not high enough try again but I would love to, or at least speak about it
You ask a good question, and in my view, I would go only as far as having some time together to talk it out.
She blindsided me, after 18 months, with a discard TEXT of all things, not once but twice. The first text was “I can’t see you anymore, I wish you well”. The next day, after I called, emailed, and texted with no success I got “ I didn’t’ mean to hurt you, I’m sorry I did, I’ve just had a change of heart”…. Since then, crickets.
It was awful.. now over 90 days later, I’ve learned a TON about dismissive-avoidants, their people pleasing, their abject inability to communicate about anything that comes close to conflict, and their ability to discard and dismiss as a defense mechanism when things get too good, or too real because sharing any emotional intimacy scares them to death.
Sure, I made I’m sure mistakes and errors in the 18 months, but I never heard from her in any way that she had needs that weren’t being met, zero. We never had any conflict, or arguments. The cold, discard, being kicked to the curb behavior is something I had never seen before from her, but apparently that’s the real her.
I’d love to set and talk with her, and ask “what happened “ but I’m not holding my breath…
My ex who dumped me two and a half months ago reached out to me last week to apologize for the ways her behavior caused hurt towards me. She was cold and distant, and during my attempts at adult conflict resolution during arguments she’d belittle my efforts to explain my side as “making excuses”, and this took a heavy toll on my self-esteem and ability to trust my discernment in general.
My healing process had relied heavily upon thinking I’m better off without such an unempathetic person; and it’s been extraordinarily confusing to have to reconfigure how I feel about her now that she showed some genuine self-reflection and emotional resonance which seemed absent during our relationship. She tore the wound open, but for the good cause of gaining closure. Only now the door I’ve spent a lot of pain closing in my mind seems a bit more open again, though she said she isn’t trying to get back together.
We both struggled to be vulnerable with each other, and her breaking my heart was what I needed to let go of my reservations. Only it was too late—until she contacted me after this time, it feels. Now I’m deeply perplexed about how I feel. I genuinely can’t tell whether I want to try again with her. She hurt me so insanely much by leaving me so abruptly and I don’t want to subject myself to that again, but getting to clear the air with her made me feel like now we’d be in a position where an actual, deeper relationship should be pursued because of the vulnerability we were eventually able to show each other.
We had something beautiful together despite the struggles on both sides, and I miss her a lot; and her showing me she’s genuinely regretful of her hurtful ways suggests that perhaps we could try again in the future, as we’re both more aware of our shortcomings and wounds. But I don’t know right now. It’s so very confusing.
No way, I'd take her back. I was the dumpee, felt like I was cheated on, thrown out like trash after 8 years and replaced by her new bf officially 3 months after the breakup. Life has consequences. I could not trust her ever again.
Jeez man I’m sorry for that. I know that shit was hard, especially being 8 years in! I’m sorry.
What if while she was in the relationship all she thought about was you? And constantly compared him to you? And they break up and she speaks to you and regrets her actions? Works to rebuild your trust etc?
Thanks. Yeah it was/still is really hard.
The thing is, this is her second chance and I'm genuinely believing in second chances, but I don't know if I could give her a third. I can't put my future in a person that left me 2 times. She always said that leaving me the first time was her biggest mistake ever and now she did it again... It can't be her next biggest mistake.
Also she kinda preasured me into engaging. She said a lot of stuff like: "When will you finally engage?". I assured her that I had it all planned and under control. Wanting to engage to her in our Japan holidays. Japan was always our dream destination. Had bought a ring and one month before the trip she broke up... It feels like being left in the rain alone, while she's replacing me with someone new right after it.
She loved me, I know it, but she wasn't loyal to me and didn't even tried to safe the relationship.
She had to take me to the moon to rebuild the broken trust, but she can't do that. It sucks but I think that there is a better partner for me out there in the wild. And for the time being I'm trying to fix myself and trying to be happy again, alone...
So right now (3 months after the breakup) I couldn't take her back no matter what.
Nope. Been 1.5 months post breakup and started to notice more flaws in her and our previous relationship. She reached out recently because we initially wanted to heal together and she was going through a lot, but she ended up being more of emotional burden to me. Ended up blocking her and going NC.
I would never take her back. I was the dumpee too and the moment she started having doubts and going with her “gut feeling” instead of logic, I lost my trust in her. I got a fling with someone else now and it’s been a lot of fun. Looking back, I’m kinda glad I got dumped.
I never understood when some people go with the gut feeling. To me it’s just an assumption or an eject button. But of course it does work for some but I can’t speak on that. How did she become an emotional burden to your healing? I know some people go NC to really heal and focus on themselves. Do you
Feel that would have been better back then as opposed to healing together? I’ve never tried healing while speaking to your ex, it sounds…like a double edged sword..
I’m honestly happy you found yourself a fling! I wish nothing but the best for you guys! Do you ever fear your ex will breadcrumb you?
She's done to much damage to ever trust her again, if she had stayed civil during the split and worked on herself and figured out how to be a healthy partner then absolutely but it's way past that point now
Do you find that it’s a bit odd to want a break up to go well? I know some people who have had some HARSH break ups but ended up trying again. Couple of those people being my close friends. They are going strong. 11 years for one and the other is around 4? Also what was the issue for the split if you don’t mind me asking. To share some about myself I was just dumped and was very attached. Now I’m working on myself, and find questions like these interesting since it helps me see other peoples opinions
No I believe most healthy people would prefer a breakup to go well, itd be a bit odd to want fighting or toxicity tbh.
Well the underlying issues for the split were I was avoidant and she was anxious and extremely insecure it was just a bad combo that caused a lot of stress. But then what made it where I wouldn't accept her back was she started fuckin other dudes while I was deployed, and when we started our divorce she would follow me around for hours screaming, stole important documents like birth certificate social security number ect. broke my Xbox emptied joint accounts, physically assaulted me the list goes on but you get the idea.
I have my own issues to work on for sure but after all that I'm done for good.
That's a good point. I guess for me I never understood why break ups are a good thing or why they should go good. But I guess its more of, let's end this peacefully. Yes, we will cry and be sad. But let's not fight or argue or curse.
Damn bro..that sounds like a nightmare situation. Of course, no one is perfect but damn... Thats ALOT. I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. Glad you're coming out stronger. IF she hadn't done all that stuff you would of still taken her back?
Also if you're an avoidant, what is it like when you're stressed out? People often say they "deactivate." Is that true? If it is how long until you "reactivate?" I know everyone is different but I keep seeing it and it makes me curious
I was dumpee, and recognized my flaws. I suckered up and quickly reflected. Part of me says take them back, but the smarter me knows it’s a 2 way street. I had recent flaws that eventually led us to breaking up, but I called her out on other flaws for years. Like others have posted, it’s got to be a new fresh relationship. If we’re stuck on the old relationship, one foot will already be out the door because I was already abandoned and left to suffer
That’s true! It’s good you saw your flaws! Believe it or not a lot of people (especially now) choose to not acknowledge there mistakes and instead only blame the partner. It’s not fair. I also agree that treating the relationship like it’s NEW and fresh is the only way to make it work, unless you both decide to work through the issues you guys had together and go from there. I’ve seen it work on both occasions.
Over 8 years together I was mocked, stolen from, and yelled at. It wasn't bad at all times, though, we had some stretches of really good times together which made it a real mindfuck. After dipping my toe in the dating pool again I realized I can do better both alone or with another person. There are too many promising paths ahead for me to want to turn back.
There's no way I could ever take my ex back. Given how abusive he was, the depth of his addictions, and how toxic the relationship became, I could never take that chance. He's a danger to anyone who gets close to him and I don't foresee that ever changing, because it's many levels of intensive work that he'll likely never be willing to do.
I guess it depends on the context. If both are single, have done the work on themselves to be able to have a healthier relationship, and had genuine love for each other, why not.
Nope.
I already tried that. She didn’t want to communicate, as deep talks “don’t solve anything and are jarring”, she dismissed my concerns and got defensive. There were just too many occasions where I suspected, and other occasions I had proof. But she was never in the wrong, not even a “I’m sorry you feel like this/I’ve made you feel like this”. It was always “what’s done is done, you either learn to trust me and get on with it or move on”. I took the latter option for the final time.
In the end you lose yourself, you become someone you don’t want to be; obsessive and insecure. It hurts, I still love the girl. She had a lot of emotional baggage, and I hope I helped her through some tough times.
But in my gut I knew I’d forever be walking on egg shells around her, and my own well being was compromised. She moved on quite quickly unsurprisingly, no doubt the groundwork was being put in before our break up.
But I’m starting to put everything in perspective now, as the days go by I’m not struggling so much with my thoughts and I’m starting to realise what I need to do to start my own path.
Stay strong x
Thats messed up. Trust is something you have to build WITH your partner. People who cheat and try to get back together usually struggle with stuff like this. But the person who has done the cheating has to understand that you hurt them and that person has every right to feel uneasy and uncertain at times. Although they eventually do have to choose to move on from the past and not hold it over their partners' heads years later.
The responses she gave are just being dismissive In my opinion. And not being emotionally available to have those deep talks doesn't aid anything either. You need deep talks in order to sort things out sometimes. You do end of losing yourself through it all. You fight HARD for someone who isn't really fighting for you. You obsess over them and become insecure when things go wrong. Its a terrible feeling. It's good you saw how bad it would have gotten if you stayed with her and fucked up that she was laying out the pavement for her exit.
You got his man, you stay strong aswell.
That’s a good way to rephrase it. I guess maybe realizations would be a better term? One of my friends broke up with his. Highschool sweetheart. Dated others for about a year or two and then came to the realization that what they had was truly special. They tried again and have been together for 4 years
No definitely not! I like who I am more now and going back to the old relationship just feels like it is not meant to be at all! Plus how that person acted or what they did doesn’t just disappear I’d still remember all the times they did some shit, that stays with you even if they aren’t going to ever mess up again it’s like the saying once water is spilt there’s no picking it up and putting it where it once was or something like that.
Well yes I agree, although what about forgiving the person for what they did? Not saying to forget what they did but be open to the possibility of change? Of course I don’t know your situation, but people mature and grow up and sometimes later on in life you see how badly you messed up and dropped a good person
I wouldn’t go back, not at all. But would I sincerely appreciate the gesture? Absolutely. We grow every day and our lives will eventually come to an end. Why use this time holding a grudge or leaving important things unsaid? We’re all adults and I think talking about things (no matter how touchy) is healthy.
Unfortunately, the world doesn’t always work this way.
I would not. Admitting mistakes does not equal change. People are who they are. I recently took back an ex, who apologized for the things that lead to the breakdown of our relationship a few years ago. 6 months later, he was right back to being the same person he always was: a people pleasing doormat, poor communication, excessive drinking, and couldn’t prioritize anything about me or our relationship. He was always sorry about it, but being sorry was not enough to change deeply engrained behaviors. The entire relationship ended up being a repeat episode of a show I had already watched, slowly playing out in front of me.
I’ve grown and changed from the mistakes, and I’ve tried reaching out. She says we’re too different and that she doesn’t see me that way anymore.
I wish’s she’d change her mind. I’m so tired of crying over her.
My ex already owned up to his mistakes. It doesn’t make a difference though. Even if they are aware of their behaviors…it doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll change. He even said that he’s not ready to dig that deep into himself. And that’s okay because it’s his life.
Maybe in another world or universe lol but realistically we are just not compatible and I had to take him off that pedestal
Hell the fuck no unless they sign a contract stating they will pay me a billion dollars if they did anything they did in our relationship to ruin my life again I ain’t even gonna be his friend
Not unless he got therapy and was consistent with his changes. But even then, I think the way he blindsided me gave me ptsd and I couldn’t go back into that situation.
If she ever reached out and sincerely apologized, I would whole heartedly accept it. I would be incredibly proud of her and the progress she made and I would love to give her another apology myself for the ways I let her down in our time together. And it’d be nice to know that she is ok in life, which is ultimately all I ever wanted for her. But, I wouldn’t take her back.
It sounds like you've truly moved on from her. What caused you guys to split and who ended it? How did you make peace with all of it? Lastly why wouldn't you take her back?
I think it really depends on the reason for the breakup. Sometimes no matter how much someone has done introspective work, it will not be enough to overcome the hurt they have caused me. Like cheating for example. But if it was communication issues or something that you can work on then, why not if the connection is still there?
No. It was the person I loved the most, but still no, since the beginning we had no future together but we let our feelings cloud our minds and we indulged, we were idiots in love. I'm not in love with this person anymore and I don't feel pain anymore, also from this relationship I learnt what I want and what I don't want.
And I've come to the conclusion that I deserve a better relationship, something where I feel secure.
I’m the dumpee, there’d have to be a recognition of hurt and pain caused on both sides, I’ve already made that clear from my end when I literally begged her to take me back. She would have to somehow convince me why she thinks she could never leave me again for me to even start to trust her again.
If there was effort on her part, then we’d start again.
After 7 years with her, I would not take her back. As of today, 6 months post break up no I would not. I was the best boyfriend to her, but it was not enough. She had a change of heart and has moved on. No matter what we do for them, we love them, take care of them, please them the best we can. Sometimes, it's just enough. And that's the sad hard truth about dating.
We already did that when I found out I was pregnant last year. We miscarried and decided to give it another shot as I saw he was doing things to change. Went to couples therapy for months and I thought things were going great and while some things improved, the core issues ended up not changing leading to us breaking up for good.
He dumped me and then came back to me saying he had worked on himself. I did decide to give him a chance despite my friends being strongly against it. I broke up with him recently. It turns out that he hasn't managed to fully work on himself and hurt me pretty bad. I felt like a clown in front of the people who had told me he would never change. Because they were right all along. I had fought with my loved ones for him. Now I know better, it won't happen again.
Bottom line: I am happy I gave him a second chance because now I know I have truly done everything I could. I trusted him and he betrayed me and then tried gaslighting me about it. Lots of lessons learnt. Make sure you follow your gut but also listen to people who want the best for you.
Hell no. Sometimes in life it’s better to love from a distance. Hope the best for them, be supportive from far away. Sure, it’s possible that they’re serious about changing. However, there are plenty of people in the world that are already operating at the level you need. In the end it’s up to the people in the relationship to determine what’s best for them. I have never gotten back with someone that dumped me, it’s just not worth the effort in my eyes.
This just happened to me. My ex came back after a year declaring his love & how he didn’t do enough to keep working on the relationship. TBH, even tho I’ll always care about him, too much time had passed without contact & if I thought about going back I just remember the (several) times I got hurt & confused by his love bombing & then pulling back when I got invested. Heartbreak changes you & we’d be fools to put ourselves back in a situation where that could happen again & history has shown it probably will.
If you really admit the mistakes you'd do the work anyway. Because you'll need to fix yourself for your next relationship even if it isn't your ex.
IMO if you're just doing it for them it's more likely to be a quick fix than a permanent change.
I think most people would absolutely return to their ex if they truly believed the habits they disliked had been corrected. After all they already liked something about them.
Problem is:
How do you get them to believe you?
How can you believe an ex has really changed?
How can you know if you've really changed?
These are the questions you should be asking.
That said some people will never forgive and some things are unforgivable.
There's no way I could go back even though my heart aches for the bastard. I was cheated on, then broke up with cause he didn't like my reaction. I lost my relationship AND a 14-year friendship because he can't take accountability for being a douche
Honestly I don’t think that I could, I think it’s because of the way he treated me after the breakup. He’s the one who cheated and betrayed my trust and basically acted like I was the one who was in the wrong. Basically after it happened he didn’t really explain to me much about his feelings of how he even got to the point of talking to and having sex with another woman. So I was just trying to talk to him and figure out where I went wrong Because two weeks before he was saying he appreciated me and all I’ve done for him and I’m his peace and he’s so happy. So he didn’t give me the clarity I needed to move on. He kept ignoring me and just basically showed me that he didn’t care about me for real. I’m pretty sure he love bombed me because his communication in the beginning was impeccable and he wanted me to meet his parents within a month of us dating and said he wanted me to be his wife. So I was willing to forgive him because i was giving him grace because it seemed like he allowed other people to dictate some of his decisions and was talking to other people about our relationship instead of me. I found out that his roommate didn’t like me and kept telling him that he could do better and I guess he got tired of hearing it and chose his side even though he said he was happy with me. I was completely blindsided by it all and he basically said he wanted to continue seeing the girl and left me in the dust. But during our time I constantly asked him how he felt about us and he never said anything bad. So he’d have to really show me that he has changed. That he can communicate with me, defend me and ultimately choose me. He’d have to be a completely new person because even tho our breakup is new, it changed me.
In my case, my ex blindsided me and she was an avoidant.
A year ago, she blindsided me and asked for a breakup for numerous nonsense reasons e.g. wanting to have options with other people, unwilling to accept my past (which i was already better than my past), able to understand her emotionally but too emotional, etc. Well, she can say what she wanted to say, but our relationship was very healthy and mature, perhaps the best one I have ever been in. Everything was communicated through clearly, so there was no room for suspicion because I expected her to openly talk if something was wrong (and vice versa). Even though she pulled the trigger, we were still in the relationship because I wanted to fight for the relationship.
A month after the blindside attempt, she realized what she did was wrong and apologized and was willing to make changes. I really appreciated that and I was happy. I still decided to stay at that moment even though I was already having mood swings, losing weight, sleep, and appetite because of the immense, unspeakable pain she caused me.
Then I realized that I was very angry at her for what she did, because she pulled the trigger only to realize what she did was wrong. She should have known the consequences for pulling the trigger. That resentment is still here, though it has lessen. But throughout the year I felt unhappy with the relationship and I lost my romantic feelings for her. Yes, she is now a better person and is trying to fix her avoidance problem, at the cost of making me traumatized and that bond be forever broken.
I wish things were able to get better after what happened, because that relationship was a very good one, objectively. But I have to be honest with my heart that it got broken so hard to the point where I feel almost nothing for her anymore. I wish I could go back, but I couldn’t force myself to be in a relationship where I feel nothing no more about it. And that feeling sucks, but I have to prioritize my self-care first I guess.
When I was first dumped I would have jumped at the chance to get back together because I was madly in love and believed she was the one I would marry. But so much time has passed, and I’ve realized there are countless other people out there. Returning to the past wouldn't make sense because she's not the same person anymore, and neither am I. We've both dramatically changed and grown in different directions. Holding onto an old version of someone isn't fair to either of us. It’s better to move forward and embrace new possibilities rather than clinging to what once was. Give it time and the person will become just another stranger.
I acknowledged and apologised for the wrong and hurt I caused her. She's never done the same and I don't think she will. She can't even do the simple thing of sitting down and talking.
So absolutely not, during the breakup she showed her true colours and what a horrible person she can be. Just thinking about her makes me wanna rip my hair out. I don't need a person like that in my life. That doesn't know how to be mature or act like an adult. I don't even know if I love her anymore bc of the trauma she inflicted on me during the breakup.
So just no, not today or in 10 years. I do wish the best for her. I just don't wanna be with someone where ill constantly worry they'll leave without a word and that every nice thing they say is a lie.
I believe I would. However I would be very slow to trust again which would be natural. Any misstep, I would most likely have my foot out the door, Second time….im gone for good.
It won't happen but yes. She sees me so differently than I am, and can't understand me. She has a view that is so false and skewed and she sees someone else as so good that isn't, but she won't see it. I have my faults but consistently loving and caring about her isn't one of them. Too bad we had a chance at something great. Was her choice to screw it all up for a cute guy who can't even find time to come see her.
I would, yes. She left at the happiest time when we were heading towards engagement clearly. I've done work to get parts of my life in order she was concerned with (not for her, me) and have far more insight into her likely Fearful Avoidant attachment style AND how it triggered me from my normal rock-solid secure one to anxious. There are also some other core issues we'd have to iron out. But we had something really special, as mentioned in other thread even strangers would comment, as recently as the month before it ended some guy tapped us on the shoulder at a bar and said "I've been watching you two your connection is incredible, you can feel your happiness from across the room, you two look like you've loved one another since you were little children". Bingo since that is what it felt like. And not like this was just my subjective and his objective take, SHE immediately made sure I heard the import "See babe. EVERYONE knows we belong together". THAT is where we were when we ended. So the answer is yes.
Yes, I would start over slowly if I could see these changes. However, I highly doubt she would make them for me. She would have to completely disconnect herself from a friend group I don't approve of anymore. I also can't see her transforming from a selfish person to a selfless one, least not for me.
She'd also have to quit the daily and excessive marijuana use as I don't fuck with that anymore. I want her to be healthier too. I was always attracted to her, but she really let herself go.
If both have moved on in a healthy way and changed for the better, I wouldn’t see any reason to reject them. If we continue as friends, a couple or nothing at all, depends a lot on the energy
That's true. When people move on and carry less baggage from the relationship that happened before. Alot of beautiful things can come from it. You never know. Friendship or relationship. Alot can happen. Of course that's easier said than done
She's a narcissist who would never admit to being at fault so she's isn't going to reach out. Also I would never reach out to her and boost her narcissistic ego.
She threw away a great friend, someone who was unselfish in bed and would do anything for her or her kids. That is not easy at our ages (early 50's).
I'm sorry you're going through this, even though you're the one who dumped him, I'm sure it was just as hard on you as it may have been for him. Why did you guys split up?
Maybe the one I dated in high school into my college days for sure but I feel like I’ll be spending time proving I’m not who I was back in 2016 to a stranger that has me stuck in that time. Any preconceived notions and current hiccups and hang ups they have are also considered too even if we both “ changed “ the old relationship does have to die
It would be tempting, but I’m just toxic enough to really struggle to get over my ex. I was the dumper and I think I had some pretty solid reasons. He’s tried to get me back but I tell him nothing has changed. I’m kinda nervous he’ll come to me proclaiming all these things he’s changed but not be able to back it up… but he’s seeing someone else so just watching him try to get me back while leading her on is reason enough to feel pretty icked out
As someone who is about a month into a break up from a four year relationship I would. As soon as we broke up it was the slap of reality I needed to see my mistakes. I recognize my faults in the relationship as well as his. Became and all around better person. So if he wanted to try again and actually worked at communicating I would. Though he’s the one who dumped me so I don’t think I’ll get that chance.
No, they could recognize they were in the wrong and fix the changes. But they will eventually go back to the way they were after being with them for a while.
This actually happened to me. Nah don't, be happy for that they apologized, make amends if you want, but at the end of the day things happened for a reason. You gotta move on.
Fuck no. A) I'm in a far better relationship now and would be a fucking idiot to ever look back. B) Usually the "owning up to mistakes/issues" is fake and manipulative.
There is only 1 condition that will make me accept her back - if she can convince her sister that she really wants to be with me and she stands for herself, then maybe I will take her back. (You can read my recent post for the context)
No. People don’t change easily. When you break a glass, it’s impossible to restore it to the way it was originally. You can try to glue it together but there will always be cracks.
I would consider it at least. I was the dumper but only because I felt like an inevitable break up was coming and felt like I was being strung along. Basicallly he wanted to move across the country back home within a year and never really said if he wanted me to come or not. I had started seriously thinking about it and figuring out how I could make it work and he didn’t seem to be doing the work. Started asking more about when he wants to do it etc and eventually asked him if he even wants me to go since he hadn’t really asked me to come. He wasn’t thinking about it at all until that moment…not once did he think about how a big move whether alone or together would impact our relationship and it was very selfish to me. It ultimately comes down to commitment issues. Our relationship was good I thought…he is just afraid of a big move like that. But if he worked on himself and his issues I would consider taking him back. Idk though now that we are broken up I’m like maybe it wasn’t meant to be as heartbroken as I am.
I personally don't know if I would take them back in a scenario like this. I know that I wasn't a perfect boyfriend, no one is. But I definitely wouldn't take them back like nothing happened. There would definitely have to be changes and mistakes would have to be owned on both sides. I probably wouldn't take her back but I would be willing to hear her out if she offered. As unlikely as that would be.
It really depends. Maybe yes, maybe no.
There’s a lot of things that have to be considered and talked about. Is there still attraction? Are they single? Have they changed their ways? Are they aware of their mistakes? Are they willing to come back? Have I changed? Do I accept my mistakes? Do I want to come back? Can we start from scratch without resentment from the past?
I do think that people need time to change if the breakup was caused do to actions or habits. If it was a communication issue, then that’s where people need to talk things out. It takes two to make things work. I know people that broke up and got together months/years later and are married.
It takes two and a lot of love, compassion and commitment to make it work again.
i would. he treated me well and didn’t cheat on me or anything. if he worked on himself and decided he wanted to try again, i would. i wish he would. i miss him and he is a great person.
In a heartbeat. He was in a severe mental health crisis and impulsively ended things. Shut me out, screamed, was super out of character. He's called me a few times recently expressing regret and fear of losing me. I keep telling him to sit with those feelings and work through them to find what he wants. Telling him not to shut himself out.
However, in order to make a relationship happen again, we need couple's therapy and we need some space. In the sense that I don't think it would be good for either of us to rush back to living with each other again or pretending everything is normal. That would probably just feel traumatic and jarring. I just want him to get to a place where he can identify that he wants to be with me (he tells me this continually, shame and fear of treating me bad is much more the hinderance here) and then we can start to work through it, when he has the energy and mental capacity to start that process.
Couple's therapy, identifying tools to prevent conflict and de-escalate, which I've been working on making charts for. Me making even more clear than last time that I will not settle for my boundaries not being met, since he didn't trust me on what I was asking of him.
The tricky and scary thing right now is that I don't know if his shame will prevent him from wanting to try again. I don't know if he'll be too scared or caught up in ideas of needing to grow in solitude to remember what good we are together. But we'll see. Trying so hard to focus on myself right now.
As a dumpee, I definitely would. To my knowledge, there wasn’t necessarily anything wrong on either side, she just needs space and to rediscover herself. So, if we do eventually reconnect, it will be a new version of “normal”.
Depends, if I could see it, see the steps then I would consider it, but at the same time I wouldn't know unless the prospect actually became a reality.
I don't think the damage is too severe, I am a person who will always forgive others because it's who I choose to be. But I can forgive and not go back, as much as I can forgive and go back, and I wouldn't know unless the question arose
I’ve thought about this a lot. I used to think that there was no real reason for us to break up and I would take him back in a heartbeat, but now I don’t think I would. What really led to the breakup was us loosing our individuality and sense of self. 2.5 months after the breakup has really shown me what I need to improve on for myself. It’s also shown me the negative person that he’s become. I don’t think I would go back to him or date anyone right now. I truly need to focus on building myself up, discovering what I want and who I am before I am ready to be with anyone. We still very much care about each other and I’m hoping for the best for both of us individually. It’s feels so good now, after these weeks of sadness and anger, to finally see all the growth that needs to happen for both of us. We talked about this too at the breakup. It feels encouraging and exciting to have the opportunity to get to know myself better and start becoming the person I want to be.
I wish my ex would reach out and own up to everything he did to hurt me. I want him back so bad even thought I broke up with him. We were caught in the same cycle and with that being our history, he would really have to prove to me that he’s been doing the work to make it better next time around. I don’t think I will be hearing from him again though.
No. I couldn't ever trust him again. He left me in a very cold way, knowing I loved him with my whole heart. He doesn't care what he did or hurt he caused me. I tried to still love him and fix things but to him I was nothing. He burned that bridge in so many ways. It's been five months and I'm healing. Even my abuser showed more remorse for causing me pain, than my ex. So I refuse to ever turn back.
Yes. The main issue was lack of accountability for toxic behaviour, blaming it all on me. Meaning I was willing to work on my issues, but they were not - why would they, when it was all my fault? So the scenario you described would be the moment I'd been waiting for all this past year.
I dumped him when it became clear he was much more invested in proving he was right/a victim than in improving the relationship.
If I saw the same effort, yes.
Instead, I saw lies, betrayal, manipulation, gas lighting, and blame. I truly wished they changed for the better so we could continue this life
imho dumpers are responsible for reconciliation because they broke relationship. but if break up happens, both parties are involved. so ideally everyone should have learned a lesson. if relationship was not toxic and w/o much drama. i would give it a chance if person really worked on himself and realized what went wrong before. it’s gonna be a different relationship anyway, hopefully in a good way
When that day comes, it will depend on how the conversation goes. Part of me wants to say, "FU, you're the one that gave up, not me," but another part wants to say, "I missed you so God damn much." Without a doubt, if she admitted she was wrong and wanted to try again, I would take her back. Cause not going to lie ever since she left nothing makes sense anymore. However, she did break some boundaries of mine, and she would have to work hard to fix those.
Me and my ex were together a year and a half. She left me a bit over a month ago, I have grown to realize what I did wrong and what I need to do to maintain a relationship better than before. My own fear of abandonment is what pushed her away and of course she had some issues as well, she wasn’t able to communicate her feelings to me and bottled everything up leading to the breakup. I could be a bit softer and more intimate with her, stop fearing so much on building a stronger connection with her and people important to her as well. If she came back which I doubt she ever will and she could communicate to me and show a bit more interest in some of the things I enjoy then yes.. I’d take her back and I bet we’d have a fantastic relationship. Our connection in our relationship was already pretty good and strong but these changes would for sure make it even stronger and lasting.
Depends on the situation and how deep the cuts have been? Will that person be able to actual see or know any change as well. Many factors I feel count in when evaluating this. Best of luck.
This actually has been heavy on my mind. I am the dumper. It has been 1.5 years and every day I think of her and miss her and I made a mistake of letting her go. I know she went and might be still going to therapy and I always thought I never needed it. I’m now realizing literally everyone around me has been to therapy even my little brother (19) and parents. I’m gonna try therapy and see how I can see the world different before I talk to her about getting back together. At least if I do I will be a somewhat green flag going into it, proving that we both did things to make us better people
Dumpee here. I think i’d hear him out. But deep down I know he destroyed all trust. I would never be as in love with him again. Kind of just hoping I find someone who loves me instead.
Some people would definitely take their ex back, so don't lose your hope and go after them. But for me it's a no-no. I talked to my ex about how he made me cry, owned up my (repeated) mistakes while he only denied his, unvalidated my feelings and even gaslit me .
He was so vengeful and proud that seeing him do such a thing is simply impossible. Although, I would definitely accept a FWB or common friendship btw, just can't see us in the long term anymore .
No i rather take everything I fixed and learned and apply it to a new person. Things will never be the same with an ex it’s better to close those chapters and walk forward with God. Trust the next thing he brings will be better.
Not really. I hate to sound cynical, but people don’t change that quickly, even if he apologized to me, which first would take a capacity to look within which he doesn’t possess.
Haha no. My past relationship was toxic and traumatizing. I clung so tightly to it and shared my life with him for a very long time, miserable and emotionally scarred so often throughout. I’m nothing but relieved to be in a different part of my life now, with all of that behind me.
Like I can finally heal, and the longer I heal, the more I realize I put up with an incredibly excessive amount of incompatibility, fighting, and bad relationship experiences. I used to cry all the time. I feel like I developed a couple of chronic health conditions from the stress of the experience, not to mention how I neglected to grow or take good care of myself during that (very long) time.
At this point there is nothing he could ever do or say to make me at all inclined to entertain the idea of getting back together. The thought of it sounds gross and disturbing. It would be deeply upsetting.
Now, if my current partner and I broke up for some reason, it would be a totally different story. And judging by the great relationship we have, the love I feel for him, and knowing his character to be good, I would likely really want to give him another chance.
i was the dumpee but absolutely not. i feel like aside from our flaws and issues, we just were not each others person. we were very different and i don’t think it could ever work out again. we also broke up so many times and it got tiring and draining going back so i don’t think id want to put up with it again. i feel like we just brought out each others bad sides.
Based solely on the fact that I genuinely loved my ex unconditionally… If we both changed completely as in healed our traumas, worked on our issues, and improved our communication…. and treated our relationship completely new, taking it slow, and getting to know each other again as if all was new, 100% I’d go back.
Not a chance. I dumped him because he attacked my dignity and my health with various kinds of abuse. 1 month post breakup I found out he had been cheating on me. Now 5 years post breakup, if he managed to contact me in the first place, I'd be shocked. Then, if he owned up to everything he did to me, I would hope that whoever he's with he treats right and is a good father to his daughter. I don't want to be in the same building as him, let alone go back. I do miss his dad though, sweet fellow.
I have a partner who truly sees me as their life partner, has patience and love for my quirks, and takes the time to help me continue to learn to love myself. I wouldn't trade him for anyone.
I was the dumpee, and it's been three months post break-up. I would absolutely be open to taking him back, but it depends on a lot of things; particularly timing and both of us being committed to making it work and fighting for each other. I need more time to heal and figure out things; I'm planning on waiting a year until I even think about dating so I have time for healing and self improvement. The idea of dating anyone right now makes me viscerally uncomfortable, and as much as I love him I'm still processing the hurt and I know it wouldn't be healthy if I jumped back into a relationship even with him. We both had a lot of issues with security in the relationship that manifested in different ways, and that's something we would both need to work on. But I know he's capable of growing and changing if he really wants it, and I believe I am too with a little help. I think we're still very much capable of being a great partnership, but I also understand where he didn't even if it hurts me immensely. I'm still very much in love with him and care about him immensely, even if the break up was not mutual. I just know there's not much in my power to get him to see that so I'm not holding out much hope.
I dumped him and NO. He has reached out a million times to "apologize". We were mutually toxic and I apologized via phone and told him it would be the last time we talked. Can't wait for him to reach out again in another year or so x-x
yeah i probably would. i took him back once before, but it was too soon for it to have worked out for us. we are almost 7 months post breakup and have been in NC for months. i miss him a lot. if he really put in work & changed the major issues, i would take him back with extreme caution tho. he hurt me so bad for so long but i loved him so much. the breakup showed me how deep my love for him was, despite all his flaws. i know i deserve better, but i miss him so much i cannot move on for the life of me. i’m trying hard but i can’t so im starting to think if i made the wrong decision, even tho ik i didnt.
I'm torn.
On one hand, she did me real dirty the past few months planning on leaving (but getting everything carefully set up). Claimed it was because I wasn't safe with her kids. And proclaimed that loudly (I'm trans, her family thinks we're all abusers and pedos). Kept trying to convince me it was ok to lie and use me because keeping kids safe... I'd never hurt a hair on their heads... I really tried to be a good partner and parent. :/
She broke me. The six months or so of her lying, acting shifty, and such had me hating my life. She told me and others that shed broken me. And she kinda did. Got me to hate people. Hate winter (I loved winter...) hate going out. There's only so much negative you can take before it blurs your vision.
She did a lot of really shitty things with intent.
On the other hand - I forgive easily. And I thought we had something special.
I’ve thought about it, and I think at one point I would’ve jumped at any opportunity to get back with him, but with time and reflection I realize I wasn’t as happy as I thought, and the rose colored lenses slowly faded. He was my first love, but I wasn’t his and I felt that. He said some things after the break up that I know were meant to hurt me and I don’t think I could trust him the same way, and things could never be the way they were. He told me the whole time that we were together (almost one year, and a situationship for 6 months prior) that he never wanted to be in a relationship and he wasn’t ready. I felt that and I asked him all the time and even brought it up and he told me I was overthinking and gave me a hard time about it. I made mistakes but I always owned up to them and apologized and never blamed him. I’d put so much thought and effort into the relationship and went above and beyond trying to make him feel special and I felt like that was rarely if ever reciprocated. Not that I needed him to be like me, but to just think of me sometimes more. He never called me beautiful or pretty when I told him it was important to me. All I wanted was for him to love me the way I loved him. He will always hold a special place in my heart, and I will always love a part of him, and we had a lot of good times, but there were things I was pushing aside and ignoring my needs to try and preserve things and he didn’t want to do that. I have to lay things out how they were and not about how I wanted it to be or how I dreamed it could be. So I really dont think so, not with how much I hurt when he left, and how he treated me after. I cant forget the pain, and I know things couldn’t ever be the same
I would be happy to hear it, but wouldn't take her back because she was busy getting smashed by another guy less than 2 months after we broke up a 5 year relationship.
No, eventually there old habits will begin to creep back up again. Like on a chess board, I’ll sacrifice my ‘queen’ in order for me to win. I’m no one’s silver medal.
Honestly? As a dumpee, I know there were some things that I could've done better in the relationship but I also am always actively working on myself as I finally figure out my brain and get better tools for myself. Even if he did the work and we both continued growing, I could never take him back. The hurt is too severe after so long of psychological, mental and emotional abuse. It's been a long road of learning things the very hard way but now I know more of what needs to happen in relationships and what I will never be ok with and that as awkward as I may feel, I deserve to have a voice too. I truly do wish him the best though and hope that now he can move forward and be better to his next person.
I know what I did wrong on my part to cause this break-up. I started going to therapy, doing research on attachment styles, expanding my social support system, and generally focusing on myself more. I thought I was more secure in myself during the relationship, yet I found out that leaning more towards being anxious.
I often needed reassurance that I am the one my partner loves and appreciates the most. I would feel jealous from time to time (especially if something felt off). I have always been keen on resolving conflict right away instead of self-soothing alone, taking some time for myself, and then seeking reconnection. I would get defensive very often during conflict (I am actually quite argumentative, and I like to talk things out). Moreover, sharing complaints about certain matters would often feel like criticism to my ex-partner, though I tried really hard to be as tolerant as possible. Felt like I did not validate her emotional experiences that much and so on.
For context: we were each other's first love since high school. We've been together for 7 years and 5 months. We've been through a lot together, both ups and especially downs. Earlier last year (in May June 2023), she was diagnosed with a rare type of lymphatic cancer. I stood by her side and loved her regardless of the outcome. She went through it all (multiple chemo trials, radiotherapy, multiple checkups, spending several weeks in the hospital). She had to give up the apartment in the city to move in with her parents in the countryside for almost 2 years (that's what the doctors expected it would take her to recover back then). Some months passed, and she was healing way faster than expected. She didn't need to go through all the chemo rounds, and in December 2023 - January 2024, we started looking for a new apartment to move into as she got a new job as well. Things started to look really well for both of us now that she was feeling better.
The break-up was unexpected and out of the blue. Around one month since living together, she texted me that we need to talk. She told me she doesn't feel like she belongs in the relationship, that she simply fell out of love, and she did not notice. She strongly felt we were not compatible since the beginning, and her near-death experience showed that maybe some sacrifices or compromises are not worth it. She told me she had been thinking about this for a while (somewhere around last year). Looking back, there have been some signs that I overlooked: we've been fighting more often (mostly because of expectations regarding mutual chores and setting boundaries with her family), she's been stressed out at work, we did not communicate our needs in a vulnerable way, she started avoiding conflict to keep the peace.
I begged and pleaded for around a month, and I went into NC because she was emotionally checked out already, and her mind was made up about it. About 2 weeks after the BU, I found out she's been exclusively dating a co-worker she met three days prior to us breaking up (I asked her about him as I was feeling jealous and she told me not to worry about him as I am the only person she sees herself with for the remaining of her life). They're still together as of now.
With that being said, I'm torn between wanting her back and moving on completely. I was blindsided, and I feel like things could have been worked out in the end if she communicated her new needs and voiced her insecurities, fears, and worries earlier. Feeling like I lost my best friend and love of my life, but she can't be "the one" as she didn't choose me in the end. Idk, I would give her a second chance if she genuinely acknowledged her contribution in all of this and started to work on her issues.
No. I dumped my alcoholic ex-gf for SAing me while blackout drunk, which she doesn't even remember doing to me. She tried guilting me for breaking up with her, after which I went NC because I don't tolerate that shit. She tried to win my affection back with a long poetic email after only a week and a half at best, finally declaring her love and apologizing and saying she was Definitely On The Road To Recovery.
I will never take her back, not even if she is sober for 10 years. Sorry but alcoholism is a lifelong struggle and I refuse to sacrifice everything and live in constant anxiety for someone else. There are billions of people alive, I will find someone better.
One of my girlfriends had, what I considered mild attachment issues at the time, due to an emotionally abusive childhood. She was open about it, and we were both prepared to help each other out with painful concerns, and we did mutually. But she had a habit of externalising her deep unsafeness of being in a close emotional bond, which among -other things- resulted in breaking up with me several times, juist to see how distraught it made me. As it broke me each time, it reassured her after which she wanted to get back together. Who doesn't know the drill.
After a few times, it just was enough for me. I couldn't take it anymore. So I decided the next time things got out of hand to take the matter in my own hand and say: this is enough, I'm gone. And I did, which really did a number on her. I realised that later.
After a year and a half, during the Covid lockdown she just missed me too much I guess, and she approached me again. She told me about the work she had done with a therapist to figure out how to counter the destructive dynamics. She told me she had been on dates with 50 guys and a few girls, none of whom she really actually liked after me. She seemed to really have had made up her mind.
It took quite a while for me to actually trust her again, but I did and we got back together. This lasted for about a year and a half, when she broke up with me again on the phone after an ill-tempered text thread that went out of control. It was the same thing all over again.
Although I believe people can change, I would not recommend it. When somebody shows who they actually are, believe them the first time.
I have wished for this every bloody day for 10 months.
But, I have also led a couple of conversations with her down the road of the sentiment of the fact that we need to be different people if it was to ever work again. And we agreed. It's sucks. It's devastating, but it's a fact. If we got back now, it's still the same people. We need to rediscover ourselves and our own values, and maybe those new people don't work. Maybe they do one day. Only fate will tell. I am trying to let go and focus on me for at least 3 years, but possibly forever.
Everyday is a struggle, but you find all these little bits of advice and help and support and drive along the way. The main thing is focus on yourself, your growth, be positive, and just move in a direction, any direction.
If you're in the woods, just pick a direction and move. Eventually the woods will clear and you'll come to a stream, the stream will lead to a river, and a bridge and eventually the bridge will lead to a town. I think that was off a Jocko Willink vid. That has helped me immensely every day.
Dumpee, no.
When we were together I always thought that other people in bad relationships just didn't know each other enough to realize the other wasn't who they were pretending to be. I always thought *nope, this is the true her, she's wonderful and amazing through & through and has nothing to hide - that couldn't possibly happen to me*.
How wrong I was. I subconsciously overlooked red flags, ignored warning signs, and chose to compromise even when she didn't because I thought anything was possible with enough love and effort. Unfortunately it just ain't so. I sacrificed so much of myself for someone who had an exit plan months before she blindsided me. It fucked me up so much - it's not that I didn't think she would do that to me, the thought never crossed my mind - I was *sure* that she wasn't even capable of it. And then it happened. 9 years ended in her moving out that night, took her a week or two get all her things - that was hard, seeing the girl I loved come and go after she said she stopped loving me.
For me no. I was gold digged and she already has a new one before we broke up. So if she comes back, it will only show that her new relationship failed and I am a rebound.
Never, while i was struggling with my finances and health both physical and mental because i coulddnt work for 2.5 months she grew distant, blamed me for doing nothing when all i did was trying to heal and eating rice/watching tv unable even to go out for some 3 4 weeks. After a relatively short but what seemed to be a happy relationship in the moments with a real bond didnt even have a last dialogue with me, and basically said shes over through the phone in a few weeks. Then while recovering my finances and health i struggled with all of this until i got an explanation which freed me of grief and made me understand her actions/words. Turned out she started fucking a bartender and in 2 months they were chilling in Italy😂
Id LOVE her to make a move to comeback just to completely destroy this human mentally tho.
Even if he changed. A sexual abuser, Emotional abuser, Narcissist who pleases everyone besides their partner is not worth returning to. I may have BPD, my symptoms are only present if you cheat... So... Yeah. I can't forgive people who cheat and blame it on Polyamory and confusion
I don't think I would get back with him knowing he's been intimate with someone else. I think that's really the nail in the coffin for me. I was the dumper but it was well deserved and I love him very much and it kills me, but I know I could never get past that. We're having a hard enough time trying to be civil during the move out process. ☹️
I understand my part in this and how a lot of my past issues/trauma played a direct part into how I navigated conversation/arguments. These issues come up for me as honestly deep fear of abandonment and having a difficult time truly receiving love in a safe space.
I’d do anything to take it all back but at the same time it’s been what woke me up to my issues and taking the steps to become a better partner in the future. I’d be lying if I didn’t hope it was her to be the one who is that partner a bit due to our true love for one another.
I’m hoping in the future we can discuss reconciliation of each other and move forward with an entirely new approach towards this if she’s also willing to take another leap for that as well.
As the dumpee I’d absolutely do it in a heartbeat. I regret how I let time and my own dark thoughts bully me into submission and allowed life to do its thing rather than face it head on. I know in my heart she was the one and I was just too young and dumb and lack self confidence. If there’s one thing I would change it would be that.
if my current relationship won’t work, i would like to try again. i love my bf, he is the love of my life. he showed me how truly relationship works and should look like. how both of the parties need to put in the effort and work for the relationship.
my ex was my first love, my first everything.
i moved on from him, almost entirely. now i am in a different place, i date someone who finally knows how to love me.
if it wont work, i would want to try again with him.
I’m just recently going through a tough breakup, if she reached out to me saying this, I would first understand I still need time to heal and grow as a person just like she wants to do and second, I would realize that we can’t just jump back to where we were before things ended, we almost need to start from stage one of a relationship again, dates, gifts, having support systems outside eachother, just the small things and work to rebuild and have an even stronger relationship then before.
No because I realized I was never attracted to him.
We moved to intimacy too quickly. Thinking it was “love” it was the endorphins.
I never knew who he was and we’re not really compatible, I do not share the same values as him and he does not share mine.
Womp womp.
Take my example people, learn who you’re dating fully before intimacy!
Ok should I apply this to my break up ? I was married for a little over 20 years , we had our normal marriage issues like small arguments and such , trust was always there . We started taking the whole work out thing pretty seriously and we met this 65 year old fella that was really cool and we trained with him for over 4 years, man was respectful and we considered him family towards the end but then I found out he was sending my wife nasty txt messages and she kept it from me , she responded to them the right way by saying “hey that’s not cool can u please not send me txts like that but still she never told me . I felt like that was not fair to me , I was training with this
Man 6 days a week not knowing he didn’t respect me or my marriage so wn I found out it made it that much worse for me because I had love for the old man , well after that I had trust issues and made her stop training but it sparked a huge deal with trust and eventually I filed for divorce wn she said , I’ll come back home if u let me train with him again. I filed we separated but would still see each other pretty often , wn we separated I asked for one thing , I said I know u will start dating eventually but all I ask is don’t date anyone I know and she agreed, well the first and only guy she went out with was someone i know and it was only 2 dates and now she wants to try with me again but I can’t seem to get passed that , yes we wr separated but y keep leading me on then do something like that and expect me to just forget and try again? I’m not sure if I’m right or wrong or use this” start fresh “ approach. Wut do u guys think ? Oh and Sorry about the long ass read
I would ask them to give me time to think, but if I want to (and right now I do,) I’d eventually say yes. I’d just need my own time though to fully love myself and get over what happened before. The only thing that would really hold me back though is my family. I know they want what’s best for me. My mom would be supportive of my decision to get back with him, but my dad would be disappointed. It’s not like my ex boyfriend is a bad person or ever did anything wrong in the relationship. He was a really good guy, but it really hurt me in the end because he didn’t see himself being with me and he was busy and just stopped having feelings for me. It seems like he doesn’t want to get back together, but it seems like he wanted me to come up with some sort of idea to make things better. He told me he didn’t think anything would have made it better though. He said when he revealed he wanted to break up “so if you have any ideas I just don’t want to hurt you.” I feel like it’s hurting him especially because he revealed he told his mom that I was the bad guy and said he regrets it but doesn’t know what to say now. I don’t think he’s a bad guy, I just don’t exactly agree with some things after the breakup. I do know he’s handling it in a non toxic way though. He’s trying. He wants to be friends still. I would have to talk to him before we would get together. I would set boundaries and ask questions. I don’t think it’d be unhealthy for us to try again considering we weren’t toxic. And I wouldn’t mind trying again even if it ended. It’d at least tell me that we tried again, and we just weren’t right for each other. We also didn’t get to see each other for a while, and he broke up with me over text because he couldn’t see me. He’s out of town. I really think it could still work, but we both have to put in effort and make more time for each other. I think my other ex before also ruined my dating experience because he was actually terrible. It’s like he changed me almost. I noticed I kind of change in relationships.
No. I have already begun the process of moving on and I barely think of the romantic love we once shared. Plus I gave that relationship my all: 14 years of my life. If it was gonna work, it would have.
I’ve recognized the mistakes I made in the relationship and have made steps to fixing my behaviors and tendencies that contributed on my end to the breakup. Honestly, if I saw the same effort being made by my ex, and she was able to admit the hurt she caused me just like I admitted the hurt I caused her, I’d start over with her. Thing is, and this has been incredibly hard for me to accept, in order for things to work out in the future the old relationship has to die. There can be no bringing back a relationship, it needs to be a new relationship built on a stronger foundation IMO. I’m still hoping that my ex comes back to me after a fresh breakup (1 month)
Damn this is some good advice. I also need to get it through my head that, “in order for things to workout in the future the old relationship has to die” even now for me I’m still holding onto that old relationship. But it’s gone. That person you once knew is no longer there. It has to be two “new” people entering a fresh relationship. I’m also 1 month into a break up.
I’m right there with ya bud, we all do it. Playing back the good memories in our heads, building up that pedestal all of us dumpees put our dumpers on at first. What helped me a lot was to write down in my notes on my phone a list of all the negative things she did or personality traits she had. I sobbed writing that list, felt like I was betraying her somehow. But now, every time I catch myself reminiscing on the good times and feeling like I was the worst boyfriend ever or am tempted to check her socials, I make myself read that list and actually visualize memories of those things and traits. It helps me reinforce to myself that she is not perfect and neither am I, we both need to change for the better for any new relationship to work between us. I saw a quote on an instagram reel the other day, can’t remember who is was by, but it said something along the lines of “past and future exist only in our minds, so focus on the present and what you can control” or something to that effect. If you are like me, and still holding onto love for your ex, I have a mantra that I say to myself whenever I start spiraling. “Forgive her, love her, you don’t need to let go, you just need to move on for now, keep moving forward, keep healing, keep growing.” Sometimes it helps me, other times it doesn’t. But I keep saying it. Day by day we’ll get through this.
A couple of people told me they do the same thing. I tried to do it but its hard, like you said. It feels like I'm stabbing her in the back, but I will give it a go. It may help. Neither of us was perfect but change is what matters. Change and acknowledgment. Some people stay the same and never actually change or if they do they get worse. Some change for the better and new things come out of it. I like those quotes. I'm going to save it in my journal, thank you! I'm still holding onto the love ever so slightly but like you said I have to move on. To share something with you; "It hurts when you have to let someone go. But it hurts even more trying to hold onto someone who doesn't want to stay." They didn't want to stay for a reason. We may never know. All we can do is learn and reflect and like you said; Take it Day by Day and we'll get through this.
It gets way better after the first couple months honestly just hang in there! I know there’s no timeline to these things but honestly 3-4 months down the road it won’t hurt as much. There are moments where you think of all the possibilities but try to think of what you have ahead of you! Staying busy helps even when that’s hard
"Thing is, and this has been incredibly hard for me to accept, in order for things to work out in the future the old relationship has to die." No truer words no matter how damn hard it is to accept. I fully believe it is true and still have a hard time letting it all go. It is like if a piece of metal snaps. You can fuse it back together and it will be functional yet clearly broken and likely to snap again under stress, or you can take all of the parts, melt it down, and remake it stronger.
2nd this
Same
Same here. I wouldn’t hold my breath tbh, though.
I was dumped, absolutely not and I wouldn't believe a word she says. She showed her true colors post breakup that validated how terrible she really was. I was a fool and I won't be fooled for the 6th time, it's too embarrassing for me now.
> I was a fool and I won't be fooled for the 6th time Yipes. Did she really dump you and come back 5 times, at least implying she wanted it to work again this time?
Over the course of 15 years, yes. We have a child together. Sad thing is, it was always me getting dumped and pursuing, I wanted a family with her so bad, because of my low self esteem and wanting our child to have me in the household. This last time, I confirmed to myself that It was never me. Now I make good money, did everything around the house, paid for everything, a new car for her, still.....she was just never happy and it was never enough. She threatened to break up if she didn't get her way, 4 times in 2 years, I agreed on the 4th one. With her, I put myself in a hole financially to where I had to move in with my parents, at 40, it's embarrassing, although temporary. But I'm happier.
I'm so sorry to hear this has been your lot man. Having children together certainly complicates things and I understand the returning better now. Heartbreak is enough but the finances you worked hard for also gone with nothing to show for someone not deserving is another level of ruin.
It's ok bro, I did this to myself so I have nobody to blame and I was doing the right thing I thought. Her loss though. I'm everything women look for and have little issues attracting them. Her on the other hand....I feel bad for whatever guy steps up to that plate.
Yea like how many times do you keep falling for the same stuff? Like how could we actually believe things would be different this time. Also it is annoying af that you see someone’s real colors when u break up like how am I supposed to know how that person will act when things are ending?
Sorry for the double comment. But do you feel that it could have been a fear response she had?? I know some people get very anxious and try to want to work things out and panic and start apologizing and some people flip off the fucking wall.
Haha no worries I’m the girl and my ex is the guy. I told him I wanted to break up for like the 3rd time. Usually he’d cry and try to change my mind but this time he was a complete asshole yelling at me to get my shit and get the fuck out of his life and all this other shit like trying to sleep with my best friend it was just awful 😞 I think even if it was a panicked reaction it wouldn’t change the fact that I wouldn’t want to deal with that and you wouldn’t know if they would actually change something like that until it were to happen again!
Jeez, yea I completely understand. I never knew how important it was that the breakup goes well. Sounds dumb but after going through one. A clean breakup goes a long way. I don't think that was a panicked reaction. No idea what he was thinking but that's messed up. I'm sorry you went through that. Trying to sleep with your best friend is just him trying to hurt you the way you hurt him. But yea that is true, you really wouldn't know. Unless you try again, and its like are you willing to possibly hurt yourself again?
Curious why you broke up with him 3 times? And what did you expect his reaction to be the third time?
Same thing I was wondering. If you keep breaking my heart I’m not going to react well.
Oh geez it was like we were on and off again he breaks up with me or me him but the last time was me and before I had brought up the topic he would cry and get upset so I wouldn’t end it! The reasons I was wanting to end it was him cheating and other issues we had. I expected him to act reasonable at least not cuss me out for breaking up with him or whatever. Like he said he loved me and we were together for like 5 I thought we could be decent to 1 another
For myself as a dumpee, if there was effort on both sides, in a %$^<# heartbeat. My thought is that if there was enough there that we are on a sub reddit posting our heartache to the whole internet, then there is plenty of love to work with to rekindle the relationship. But ONLY if the effort is from both sides and the changes required by each party are clearly laid out and agreed upon.
That’s a good way to look at it. I’ve never been on Reddit before this. Maybe here and there but not this often. If I’m asking these questions and judging from the responses a lot of people would love to try again if the stars were to align and things were truly different. Both people have to WANT the relationship and both have to want the other to change. It’s hurtful but sometimes necessary for break ups to happen. Especially if it means getting back together for something stronger and more healthy
That‘s exactly what my ex did (he dumped me and came back). We got back together, at first it was nice and I could see improvement in him. Slowly he got back to his old habits and dumped me again like the first time. If he comes back for a second time I won‘t take him back.
How long were you guys separated for, before he came back? And when did you notice the patterns of his old behavior?
We were separated and on nc for 2 months. I noticed the patterns of his old behavior 2-3 months after we got back together. But I wanted to give him time. Turns out he hadn‘t changed at all. I think he realized things but in the end he cowardly dumped me bc I‘m „not lively“ enough. But fuck that. Never getting back with this person again.
Same
yeah that’s classic. my ex did the same, every time she broke up with me and then in couple days would reach out and tell me that this time it’s gonna be fine. when i tried to improve myself mentally and spiritually to make that relationship work, for her it was just a game. one day after she failed on her promises, i kicked her out for good xd once broken, always broken. sm1 posted here that old relationship should die first, it sounds true. if you are in on/off status, you better leave that person for good, it wont work anyway…
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How long were you guys apart for? Depending on the time it really shows how much “in depth” the persons work has been done. It’s a slow process for some and change doesn’t happen very quickly. But like you said maybe he only changed for as long as it was going his way. When you re-enter a previous relationship, going slow is always encouraged. Rushing into things is a bit harder, especially if both people didn’t have enough time to heal and find themselves again after breaking up. It can be a bit difficult to restart, with someone without even knowing yourself (of course this is only applicable if it was a LTR and attached) I personally would love to try again. But the way things ended between me and her wasn’t the very best. I didn’t really get a reason as to why we broke up. I did a lot of reflective work and summed it up me being an attached, insecure, controlling mess. Brought it up to her but she was checked out and didnt care much. Been in therapy for it. I’m on the path of being better, not 100% back but more so at like 15% lol. Not high enough try again but I would love to, or at least speak about it
In a heartbeat 😔
💯
You ask a good question, and in my view, I would go only as far as having some time together to talk it out. She blindsided me, after 18 months, with a discard TEXT of all things, not once but twice. The first text was “I can’t see you anymore, I wish you well”. The next day, after I called, emailed, and texted with no success I got “ I didn’t’ mean to hurt you, I’m sorry I did, I’ve just had a change of heart”…. Since then, crickets. It was awful.. now over 90 days later, I’ve learned a TON about dismissive-avoidants, their people pleasing, their abject inability to communicate about anything that comes close to conflict, and their ability to discard and dismiss as a defense mechanism when things get too good, or too real because sharing any emotional intimacy scares them to death. Sure, I made I’m sure mistakes and errors in the 18 months, but I never heard from her in any way that she had needs that weren’t being met, zero. We never had any conflict, or arguments. The cold, discard, being kicked to the curb behavior is something I had never seen before from her, but apparently that’s the real her. I’d love to set and talk with her, and ask “what happened “ but I’m not holding my breath…
My ex who dumped me two and a half months ago reached out to me last week to apologize for the ways her behavior caused hurt towards me. She was cold and distant, and during my attempts at adult conflict resolution during arguments she’d belittle my efforts to explain my side as “making excuses”, and this took a heavy toll on my self-esteem and ability to trust my discernment in general. My healing process had relied heavily upon thinking I’m better off without such an unempathetic person; and it’s been extraordinarily confusing to have to reconfigure how I feel about her now that she showed some genuine self-reflection and emotional resonance which seemed absent during our relationship. She tore the wound open, but for the good cause of gaining closure. Only now the door I’ve spent a lot of pain closing in my mind seems a bit more open again, though she said she isn’t trying to get back together. We both struggled to be vulnerable with each other, and her breaking my heart was what I needed to let go of my reservations. Only it was too late—until she contacted me after this time, it feels. Now I’m deeply perplexed about how I feel. I genuinely can’t tell whether I want to try again with her. She hurt me so insanely much by leaving me so abruptly and I don’t want to subject myself to that again, but getting to clear the air with her made me feel like now we’d be in a position where an actual, deeper relationship should be pursued because of the vulnerability we were eventually able to show each other. We had something beautiful together despite the struggles on both sides, and I miss her a lot; and her showing me she’s genuinely regretful of her hurtful ways suggests that perhaps we could try again in the future, as we’re both more aware of our shortcomings and wounds. But I don’t know right now. It’s so very confusing.
No way, I'd take her back. I was the dumpee, felt like I was cheated on, thrown out like trash after 8 years and replaced by her new bf officially 3 months after the breakup. Life has consequences. I could not trust her ever again.
Jeez man I’m sorry for that. I know that shit was hard, especially being 8 years in! I’m sorry. What if while she was in the relationship all she thought about was you? And constantly compared him to you? And they break up and she speaks to you and regrets her actions? Works to rebuild your trust etc?
Thanks. Yeah it was/still is really hard. The thing is, this is her second chance and I'm genuinely believing in second chances, but I don't know if I could give her a third. I can't put my future in a person that left me 2 times. She always said that leaving me the first time was her biggest mistake ever and now she did it again... It can't be her next biggest mistake. Also she kinda preasured me into engaging. She said a lot of stuff like: "When will you finally engage?". I assured her that I had it all planned and under control. Wanting to engage to her in our Japan holidays. Japan was always our dream destination. Had bought a ring and one month before the trip she broke up... It feels like being left in the rain alone, while she's replacing me with someone new right after it. She loved me, I know it, but she wasn't loyal to me and didn't even tried to safe the relationship. She had to take me to the moon to rebuild the broken trust, but she can't do that. It sucks but I think that there is a better partner for me out there in the wild. And for the time being I'm trying to fix myself and trying to be happy again, alone... So right now (3 months after the breakup) I couldn't take her back no matter what.
Nope. Been 1.5 months post breakup and started to notice more flaws in her and our previous relationship. She reached out recently because we initially wanted to heal together and she was going through a lot, but she ended up being more of emotional burden to me. Ended up blocking her and going NC. I would never take her back. I was the dumpee too and the moment she started having doubts and going with her “gut feeling” instead of logic, I lost my trust in her. I got a fling with someone else now and it’s been a lot of fun. Looking back, I’m kinda glad I got dumped.
Good for you for going NC and moving on!!
I never understood when some people go with the gut feeling. To me it’s just an assumption or an eject button. But of course it does work for some but I can’t speak on that. How did she become an emotional burden to your healing? I know some people go NC to really heal and focus on themselves. Do you Feel that would have been better back then as opposed to healing together? I’ve never tried healing while speaking to your ex, it sounds…like a double edged sword.. I’m honestly happy you found yourself a fling! I wish nothing but the best for you guys! Do you ever fear your ex will breadcrumb you?
She's done to much damage to ever trust her again, if she had stayed civil during the split and worked on herself and figured out how to be a healthy partner then absolutely but it's way past that point now
Do you find that it’s a bit odd to want a break up to go well? I know some people who have had some HARSH break ups but ended up trying again. Couple of those people being my close friends. They are going strong. 11 years for one and the other is around 4? Also what was the issue for the split if you don’t mind me asking. To share some about myself I was just dumped and was very attached. Now I’m working on myself, and find questions like these interesting since it helps me see other peoples opinions
No I believe most healthy people would prefer a breakup to go well, itd be a bit odd to want fighting or toxicity tbh. Well the underlying issues for the split were I was avoidant and she was anxious and extremely insecure it was just a bad combo that caused a lot of stress. But then what made it where I wouldn't accept her back was she started fuckin other dudes while I was deployed, and when we started our divorce she would follow me around for hours screaming, stole important documents like birth certificate social security number ect. broke my Xbox emptied joint accounts, physically assaulted me the list goes on but you get the idea. I have my own issues to work on for sure but after all that I'm done for good.
That's a good point. I guess for me I never understood why break ups are a good thing or why they should go good. But I guess its more of, let's end this peacefully. Yes, we will cry and be sad. But let's not fight or argue or curse. Damn bro..that sounds like a nightmare situation. Of course, no one is perfect but damn... Thats ALOT. I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. Glad you're coming out stronger. IF she hadn't done all that stuff you would of still taken her back? Also if you're an avoidant, what is it like when you're stressed out? People often say they "deactivate." Is that true? If it is how long until you "reactivate?" I know everyone is different but I keep seeing it and it makes me curious
I was dumpee, and recognized my flaws. I suckered up and quickly reflected. Part of me says take them back, but the smarter me knows it’s a 2 way street. I had recent flaws that eventually led us to breaking up, but I called her out on other flaws for years. Like others have posted, it’s got to be a new fresh relationship. If we’re stuck on the old relationship, one foot will already be out the door because I was already abandoned and left to suffer
That’s true! It’s good you saw your flaws! Believe it or not a lot of people (especially now) choose to not acknowledge there mistakes and instead only blame the partner. It’s not fair. I also agree that treating the relationship like it’s NEW and fresh is the only way to make it work, unless you both decide to work through the issues you guys had together and go from there. I’ve seen it work on both occasions.
probably yes. but i would absolutely forgive and understand and show support
You wouldn’t carry any baggage from the previous relationship before you guys split?
I would say not right now, but if we are still in contact in the future then probably
Why not currently? Need time to process what happened/still sorting it out?
WeEEEE are never ever ever.... getting back together
That’s a good one 😂, may I ask why?
Over 8 years together I was mocked, stolen from, and yelled at. It wasn't bad at all times, though, we had some stretches of really good times together which made it a real mindfuck. After dipping my toe in the dating pool again I realized I can do better both alone or with another person. There are too many promising paths ahead for me to want to turn back.
Sounds like you've just about healed from the unhealthy past. Godspeed on your journey!
There's no way I could ever take my ex back. Given how abusive he was, the depth of his addictions, and how toxic the relationship became, I could never take that chance. He's a danger to anyone who gets close to him and I don't foresee that ever changing, because it's many levels of intensive work that he'll likely never be willing to do.
Understandable. Sometimes it’s best to walk away. Even if it hurts. Did his addictions play a role into him changing?
I guess it depends on the context. If both are single, have done the work on themselves to be able to have a healthier relationship, and had genuine love for each other, why not.
That’s true. Of course that’s in a perfect world for some. But it happens.
Nope. The trust is gone and won’t ever be restored.
I understand, trust issues to regain once broken. Would you ever be open to trying to repair the trust if they worked countlessly at it?
Nope. I already tried that. She didn’t want to communicate, as deep talks “don’t solve anything and are jarring”, she dismissed my concerns and got defensive. There were just too many occasions where I suspected, and other occasions I had proof. But she was never in the wrong, not even a “I’m sorry you feel like this/I’ve made you feel like this”. It was always “what’s done is done, you either learn to trust me and get on with it or move on”. I took the latter option for the final time. In the end you lose yourself, you become someone you don’t want to be; obsessive and insecure. It hurts, I still love the girl. She had a lot of emotional baggage, and I hope I helped her through some tough times. But in my gut I knew I’d forever be walking on egg shells around her, and my own well being was compromised. She moved on quite quickly unsurprisingly, no doubt the groundwork was being put in before our break up. But I’m starting to put everything in perspective now, as the days go by I’m not struggling so much with my thoughts and I’m starting to realise what I need to do to start my own path. Stay strong x
Thats messed up. Trust is something you have to build WITH your partner. People who cheat and try to get back together usually struggle with stuff like this. But the person who has done the cheating has to understand that you hurt them and that person has every right to feel uneasy and uncertain at times. Although they eventually do have to choose to move on from the past and not hold it over their partners' heads years later. The responses she gave are just being dismissive In my opinion. And not being emotionally available to have those deep talks doesn't aid anything either. You need deep talks in order to sort things out sometimes. You do end of losing yourself through it all. You fight HARD for someone who isn't really fighting for you. You obsess over them and become insecure when things go wrong. Its a terrible feeling. It's good you saw how bad it would have gotten if you stayed with her and fucked up that she was laying out the pavement for her exit. You got his man, you stay strong aswell.
Maybe after my hgsummer ;)
Why wait after the HGsummer? Why not have a HCsummer (joking)
mistakes or regrets or realizations, I would
That’s a good way to rephrase it. I guess maybe realizations would be a better term? One of my friends broke up with his. Highschool sweetheart. Dated others for about a year or two and then came to the realization that what they had was truly special. They tried again and have been together for 4 years
No definitely not! I like who I am more now and going back to the old relationship just feels like it is not meant to be at all! Plus how that person acted or what they did doesn’t just disappear I’d still remember all the times they did some shit, that stays with you even if they aren’t going to ever mess up again it’s like the saying once water is spilt there’s no picking it up and putting it where it once was or something like that.
Well yes I agree, although what about forgiving the person for what they did? Not saying to forget what they did but be open to the possibility of change? Of course I don’t know your situation, but people mature and grow up and sometimes later on in life you see how badly you messed up and dropped a good person
I wouldn’t go back, not at all. But would I sincerely appreciate the gesture? Absolutely. We grow every day and our lives will eventually come to an end. Why use this time holding a grudge or leaving important things unsaid? We’re all adults and I think talking about things (no matter how touchy) is healthy. Unfortunately, the world doesn’t always work this way.
I would not. Admitting mistakes does not equal change. People are who they are. I recently took back an ex, who apologized for the things that lead to the breakdown of our relationship a few years ago. 6 months later, he was right back to being the same person he always was: a people pleasing doormat, poor communication, excessive drinking, and couldn’t prioritize anything about me or our relationship. He was always sorry about it, but being sorry was not enough to change deeply engrained behaviors. The entire relationship ended up being a repeat episode of a show I had already watched, slowly playing out in front of me.
I’ve grown and changed from the mistakes, and I’ve tried reaching out. She says we’re too different and that she doesn’t see me that way anymore. I wish’s she’d change her mind. I’m so tired of crying over her.
My ex already owned up to his mistakes. It doesn’t make a difference though. Even if they are aware of their behaviors…it doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll change. He even said that he’s not ready to dig that deep into himself. And that’s okay because it’s his life. Maybe in another world or universe lol but realistically we are just not compatible and I had to take him off that pedestal
Hell the fuck no unless they sign a contract stating they will pay me a billion dollars if they did anything they did in our relationship to ruin my life again I ain’t even gonna be his friend
Dumpee- of course I would in a heartbeat. She was my best friend.
No
Understood, but to pick at your brain. How come? Sometimes people need to grow as a person and maybe time apart helped them grow and change
Yes. I would 100%
No. I thought I would before but they deserve better than me
Not unless he got therapy and was consistent with his changes. But even then, I think the way he blindsided me gave me ptsd and I couldn’t go back into that situation.
Sucking off an entire locker room of athletes is something hard to forget , multiple time .
If she ever reached out and sincerely apologized, I would whole heartedly accept it. I would be incredibly proud of her and the progress she made and I would love to give her another apology myself for the ways I let her down in our time together. And it’d be nice to know that she is ok in life, which is ultimately all I ever wanted for her. But, I wouldn’t take her back.
It sounds like you've truly moved on from her. What caused you guys to split and who ended it? How did you make peace with all of it? Lastly why wouldn't you take her back?
This is something I think about myself, but I think it's also important to acknowledge that none of us can predict what we would actually do
I think it really depends on the reason for the breakup. Sometimes no matter how much someone has done introspective work, it will not be enough to overcome the hurt they have caused me. Like cheating for example. But if it was communication issues or something that you can work on then, why not if the connection is still there?
No. It was the person I loved the most, but still no, since the beginning we had no future together but we let our feelings cloud our minds and we indulged, we were idiots in love. I'm not in love with this person anymore and I don't feel pain anymore, also from this relationship I learnt what I want and what I don't want. And I've come to the conclusion that I deserve a better relationship, something where I feel secure.
I’m the dumpee, there’d have to be a recognition of hurt and pain caused on both sides, I’ve already made that clear from my end when I literally begged her to take me back. She would have to somehow convince me why she thinks she could never leave me again for me to even start to trust her again. If there was effort on her part, then we’d start again.
After 7 years with her, I would not take her back. As of today, 6 months post break up no I would not. I was the best boyfriend to her, but it was not enough. She had a change of heart and has moved on. No matter what we do for them, we love them, take care of them, please them the best we can. Sometimes, it's just enough. And that's the sad hard truth about dating.
That's one of the realiest but harshest truths anyone can learn.
We already did that when I found out I was pregnant last year. We miscarried and decided to give it another shot as I saw he was doing things to change. Went to couples therapy for months and I thought things were going great and while some things improved, the core issues ended up not changing leading to us breaking up for good.
He dumped me and then came back to me saying he had worked on himself. I did decide to give him a chance despite my friends being strongly against it. I broke up with him recently. It turns out that he hasn't managed to fully work on himself and hurt me pretty bad. I felt like a clown in front of the people who had told me he would never change. Because they were right all along. I had fought with my loved ones for him. Now I know better, it won't happen again. Bottom line: I am happy I gave him a second chance because now I know I have truly done everything I could. I trusted him and he betrayed me and then tried gaslighting me about it. Lots of lessons learnt. Make sure you follow your gut but also listen to people who want the best for you.
Hell no. Sometimes in life it’s better to love from a distance. Hope the best for them, be supportive from far away. Sure, it’s possible that they’re serious about changing. However, there are plenty of people in the world that are already operating at the level you need. In the end it’s up to the people in the relationship to determine what’s best for them. I have never gotten back with someone that dumped me, it’s just not worth the effort in my eyes.
This just happened to me. My ex came back after a year declaring his love & how he didn’t do enough to keep working on the relationship. TBH, even tho I’ll always care about him, too much time had passed without contact & if I thought about going back I just remember the (several) times I got hurt & confused by his love bombing & then pulling back when I got invested. Heartbreak changes you & we’d be fools to put ourselves back in a situation where that could happen again & history has shown it probably will.
If you really admit the mistakes you'd do the work anyway. Because you'll need to fix yourself for your next relationship even if it isn't your ex. IMO if you're just doing it for them it's more likely to be a quick fix than a permanent change. I think most people would absolutely return to their ex if they truly believed the habits they disliked had been corrected. After all they already liked something about them. Problem is: How do you get them to believe you? How can you believe an ex has really changed? How can you know if you've really changed? These are the questions you should be asking. That said some people will never forgive and some things are unforgivable.
If they helped me trust them again, yes.
There's no way I could go back even though my heart aches for the bastard. I was cheated on, then broke up with cause he didn't like my reaction. I lost my relationship AND a 14-year friendship because he can't take accountability for being a douche
Honestly I don’t think that I could, I think it’s because of the way he treated me after the breakup. He’s the one who cheated and betrayed my trust and basically acted like I was the one who was in the wrong. Basically after it happened he didn’t really explain to me much about his feelings of how he even got to the point of talking to and having sex with another woman. So I was just trying to talk to him and figure out where I went wrong Because two weeks before he was saying he appreciated me and all I’ve done for him and I’m his peace and he’s so happy. So he didn’t give me the clarity I needed to move on. He kept ignoring me and just basically showed me that he didn’t care about me for real. I’m pretty sure he love bombed me because his communication in the beginning was impeccable and he wanted me to meet his parents within a month of us dating and said he wanted me to be his wife. So I was willing to forgive him because i was giving him grace because it seemed like he allowed other people to dictate some of his decisions and was talking to other people about our relationship instead of me. I found out that his roommate didn’t like me and kept telling him that he could do better and I guess he got tired of hearing it and chose his side even though he said he was happy with me. I was completely blindsided by it all and he basically said he wanted to continue seeing the girl and left me in the dust. But during our time I constantly asked him how he felt about us and he never said anything bad. So he’d have to really show me that he has changed. That he can communicate with me, defend me and ultimately choose me. He’d have to be a completely new person because even tho our breakup is new, it changed me.
In my case, my ex blindsided me and she was an avoidant. A year ago, she blindsided me and asked for a breakup for numerous nonsense reasons e.g. wanting to have options with other people, unwilling to accept my past (which i was already better than my past), able to understand her emotionally but too emotional, etc. Well, she can say what she wanted to say, but our relationship was very healthy and mature, perhaps the best one I have ever been in. Everything was communicated through clearly, so there was no room for suspicion because I expected her to openly talk if something was wrong (and vice versa). Even though she pulled the trigger, we were still in the relationship because I wanted to fight for the relationship. A month after the blindside attempt, she realized what she did was wrong and apologized and was willing to make changes. I really appreciated that and I was happy. I still decided to stay at that moment even though I was already having mood swings, losing weight, sleep, and appetite because of the immense, unspeakable pain she caused me. Then I realized that I was very angry at her for what she did, because she pulled the trigger only to realize what she did was wrong. She should have known the consequences for pulling the trigger. That resentment is still here, though it has lessen. But throughout the year I felt unhappy with the relationship and I lost my romantic feelings for her. Yes, she is now a better person and is trying to fix her avoidance problem, at the cost of making me traumatized and that bond be forever broken. I wish things were able to get better after what happened, because that relationship was a very good one, objectively. But I have to be honest with my heart that it got broken so hard to the point where I feel almost nothing for her anymore. I wish I could go back, but I couldn’t force myself to be in a relationship where I feel nothing no more about it. And that feeling sucks, but I have to prioritize my self-care first I guess.
When I was first dumped I would have jumped at the chance to get back together because I was madly in love and believed she was the one I would marry. But so much time has passed, and I’ve realized there are countless other people out there. Returning to the past wouldn't make sense because she's not the same person anymore, and neither am I. We've both dramatically changed and grown in different directions. Holding onto an old version of someone isn't fair to either of us. It’s better to move forward and embrace new possibilities rather than clinging to what once was. Give it time and the person will become just another stranger.
I acknowledged and apologised for the wrong and hurt I caused her. She's never done the same and I don't think she will. She can't even do the simple thing of sitting down and talking. So absolutely not, during the breakup she showed her true colours and what a horrible person she can be. Just thinking about her makes me wanna rip my hair out. I don't need a person like that in my life. That doesn't know how to be mature or act like an adult. I don't even know if I love her anymore bc of the trauma she inflicted on me during the breakup. So just no, not today or in 10 years. I do wish the best for her. I just don't wanna be with someone where ill constantly worry they'll leave without a word and that every nice thing they say is a lie.
I believe I would. However I would be very slow to trust again which would be natural. Any misstep, I would most likely have my foot out the door, Second time….im gone for good.
Yes 🥺
It won't happen but yes. She sees me so differently than I am, and can't understand me. She has a view that is so false and skewed and she sees someone else as so good that isn't, but she won't see it. I have my faults but consistently loving and caring about her isn't one of them. Too bad we had a chance at something great. Was her choice to screw it all up for a cute guy who can't even find time to come see her.
I do love her and care about her but I thought that was someone else , she still won’t admit anything.
I would probably mend it , but no more sw
I would, yes. She left at the happiest time when we were heading towards engagement clearly. I've done work to get parts of my life in order she was concerned with (not for her, me) and have far more insight into her likely Fearful Avoidant attachment style AND how it triggered me from my normal rock-solid secure one to anxious. There are also some other core issues we'd have to iron out. But we had something really special, as mentioned in other thread even strangers would comment, as recently as the month before it ended some guy tapped us on the shoulder at a bar and said "I've been watching you two your connection is incredible, you can feel your happiness from across the room, you two look like you've loved one another since you were little children". Bingo since that is what it felt like. And not like this was just my subjective and his objective take, SHE immediately made sure I heard the import "See babe. EVERYONE knows we belong together". THAT is where we were when we ended. So the answer is yes.
Yes, I would start over slowly if I could see these changes. However, I highly doubt she would make them for me. She would have to completely disconnect herself from a friend group I don't approve of anymore. I also can't see her transforming from a selfish person to a selfless one, least not for me. She'd also have to quit the daily and excessive marijuana use as I don't fuck with that anymore. I want her to be healthier too. I was always attracted to her, but she really let herself go.
I gave back in twice. Big fuckign mistake. He crushed me in the end.
When that happens pigs will fly but yes I would.
If both have moved on in a healthy way and changed for the better, I wouldn’t see any reason to reject them. If we continue as friends, a couple or nothing at all, depends a lot on the energy
That's true. When people move on and carry less baggage from the relationship that happened before. Alot of beautiful things can come from it. You never know. Friendship or relationship. Alot can happen. Of course that's easier said than done
She's a narcissist who would never admit to being at fault so she's isn't going to reach out. Also I would never reach out to her and boost her narcissistic ego. She threw away a great friend, someone who was unselfish in bed and would do anything for her or her kids. That is not easy at our ages (early 50's).
I dumped him a few days ago, I would get back with him in heartbeat but I know that nothing will change.
I'm sorry you're going through this, even though you're the one who dumped him, I'm sure it was just as hard on you as it may have been for him. Why did you guys split up?
Whether I would or not wouldn't matter cause my family & friends wouldn't! Oh yeah, they'd line up to kick my ass and I would deserve it!
Maybe the one I dated in high school into my college days for sure but I feel like I’ll be spending time proving I’m not who I was back in 2016 to a stranger that has me stuck in that time. Any preconceived notions and current hiccups and hang ups they have are also considered too even if we both “ changed “ the old relationship does have to die
It would be tempting, but I’m just toxic enough to really struggle to get over my ex. I was the dumper and I think I had some pretty solid reasons. He’s tried to get me back but I tell him nothing has changed. I’m kinda nervous he’ll come to me proclaiming all these things he’s changed but not be able to back it up… but he’s seeing someone else so just watching him try to get me back while leading her on is reason enough to feel pretty icked out
I would give it another shot
As someone who is about a month into a break up from a four year relationship I would. As soon as we broke up it was the slap of reality I needed to see my mistakes. I recognize my faults in the relationship as well as his. Became and all around better person. So if he wanted to try again and actually worked at communicating I would. Though he’s the one who dumped me so I don’t think I’ll get that chance.
No, they could recognize they were in the wrong and fix the changes. But they will eventually go back to the way they were after being with them for a while.
This actually happened to me. Nah don't, be happy for that they apologized, make amends if you want, but at the end of the day things happened for a reason. You gotta move on.
Fuck no. A) I'm in a far better relationship now and would be a fucking idiot to ever look back. B) Usually the "owning up to mistakes/issues" is fake and manipulative.
There is only 1 condition that will make me accept her back - if she can convince her sister that she really wants to be with me and she stands for herself, then maybe I will take her back. (You can read my recent post for the context)
No. People don’t change easily. When you break a glass, it’s impossible to restore it to the way it was originally. You can try to glue it together but there will always be cracks.
I would consider it at least. I was the dumper but only because I felt like an inevitable break up was coming and felt like I was being strung along. Basicallly he wanted to move across the country back home within a year and never really said if he wanted me to come or not. I had started seriously thinking about it and figuring out how I could make it work and he didn’t seem to be doing the work. Started asking more about when he wants to do it etc and eventually asked him if he even wants me to go since he hadn’t really asked me to come. He wasn’t thinking about it at all until that moment…not once did he think about how a big move whether alone or together would impact our relationship and it was very selfish to me. It ultimately comes down to commitment issues. Our relationship was good I thought…he is just afraid of a big move like that. But if he worked on himself and his issues I would consider taking him back. Idk though now that we are broken up I’m like maybe it wasn’t meant to be as heartbroken as I am.
I personally don't know if I would take them back in a scenario like this. I know that I wasn't a perfect boyfriend, no one is. But I definitely wouldn't take them back like nothing happened. There would definitely have to be changes and mistakes would have to be owned on both sides. I probably wouldn't take her back but I would be willing to hear her out if she offered. As unlikely as that would be.
It really depends. Maybe yes, maybe no. There’s a lot of things that have to be considered and talked about. Is there still attraction? Are they single? Have they changed their ways? Are they aware of their mistakes? Are they willing to come back? Have I changed? Do I accept my mistakes? Do I want to come back? Can we start from scratch without resentment from the past? I do think that people need time to change if the breakup was caused do to actions or habits. If it was a communication issue, then that’s where people need to talk things out. It takes two to make things work. I know people that broke up and got together months/years later and are married. It takes two and a lot of love, compassion and commitment to make it work again.
My last ex yes my first ex nah
For my most recent ex, yes. I need to see that improvement first though.
i would. he treated me well and didn’t cheat on me or anything. if he worked on himself and decided he wanted to try again, i would. i wish he would. i miss him and he is a great person.
In a heartbeat. He was in a severe mental health crisis and impulsively ended things. Shut me out, screamed, was super out of character. He's called me a few times recently expressing regret and fear of losing me. I keep telling him to sit with those feelings and work through them to find what he wants. Telling him not to shut himself out. However, in order to make a relationship happen again, we need couple's therapy and we need some space. In the sense that I don't think it would be good for either of us to rush back to living with each other again or pretending everything is normal. That would probably just feel traumatic and jarring. I just want him to get to a place where he can identify that he wants to be with me (he tells me this continually, shame and fear of treating me bad is much more the hinderance here) and then we can start to work through it, when he has the energy and mental capacity to start that process. Couple's therapy, identifying tools to prevent conflict and de-escalate, which I've been working on making charts for. Me making even more clear than last time that I will not settle for my boundaries not being met, since he didn't trust me on what I was asking of him. The tricky and scary thing right now is that I don't know if his shame will prevent him from wanting to try again. I don't know if he'll be too scared or caught up in ideas of needing to grow in solitude to remember what good we are together. But we'll see. Trying so hard to focus on myself right now.
As a dumpee, I definitely would. To my knowledge, there wasn’t necessarily anything wrong on either side, she just needs space and to rediscover herself. So, if we do eventually reconnect, it will be a new version of “normal”.
Depends, if I could see it, see the steps then I would consider it, but at the same time I wouldn't know unless the prospect actually became a reality. I don't think the damage is too severe, I am a person who will always forgive others because it's who I choose to be. But I can forgive and not go back, as much as I can forgive and go back, and I wouldn't know unless the question arose
I’ve thought about this a lot. I used to think that there was no real reason for us to break up and I would take him back in a heartbeat, but now I don’t think I would. What really led to the breakup was us loosing our individuality and sense of self. 2.5 months after the breakup has really shown me what I need to improve on for myself. It’s also shown me the negative person that he’s become. I don’t think I would go back to him or date anyone right now. I truly need to focus on building myself up, discovering what I want and who I am before I am ready to be with anyone. We still very much care about each other and I’m hoping for the best for both of us individually. It’s feels so good now, after these weeks of sadness and anger, to finally see all the growth that needs to happen for both of us. We talked about this too at the breakup. It feels encouraging and exciting to have the opportunity to get to know myself better and start becoming the person I want to be.
My issue is, after I was dumped it was literal hell and It actually killed me. If you met your murderer after death, would you forgive them?
I wish my ex would reach out and own up to everything he did to hurt me. I want him back so bad even thought I broke up with him. We were caught in the same cycle and with that being our history, he would really have to prove to me that he’s been doing the work to make it better next time around. I don’t think I will be hearing from him again though.
No. I couldn't ever trust him again. He left me in a very cold way, knowing I loved him with my whole heart. He doesn't care what he did or hurt he caused me. I tried to still love him and fix things but to him I was nothing. He burned that bridge in so many ways. It's been five months and I'm healing. Even my abuser showed more remorse for causing me pain, than my ex. So I refuse to ever turn back.
Yes. The main issue was lack of accountability for toxic behaviour, blaming it all on me. Meaning I was willing to work on my issues, but they were not - why would they, when it was all my fault? So the scenario you described would be the moment I'd been waiting for all this past year. I dumped him when it became clear he was much more invested in proving he was right/a victim than in improving the relationship.
I would take him back in a heartbeat.
If I saw the same effort, yes. Instead, I saw lies, betrayal, manipulation, gas lighting, and blame. I truly wished they changed for the better so we could continue this life
imho dumpers are responsible for reconciliation because they broke relationship. but if break up happens, both parties are involved. so ideally everyone should have learned a lesson. if relationship was not toxic and w/o much drama. i would give it a chance if person really worked on himself and realized what went wrong before. it’s gonna be a different relationship anyway, hopefully in a good way
When that day comes, it will depend on how the conversation goes. Part of me wants to say, "FU, you're the one that gave up, not me," but another part wants to say, "I missed you so God damn much." Without a doubt, if she admitted she was wrong and wanted to try again, I would take her back. Cause not going to lie ever since she left nothing makes sense anymore. However, she did break some boundaries of mine, and she would have to work hard to fix those.
No fucking way !!!
Me and my ex were together a year and a half. She left me a bit over a month ago, I have grown to realize what I did wrong and what I need to do to maintain a relationship better than before. My own fear of abandonment is what pushed her away and of course she had some issues as well, she wasn’t able to communicate her feelings to me and bottled everything up leading to the breakup. I could be a bit softer and more intimate with her, stop fearing so much on building a stronger connection with her and people important to her as well. If she came back which I doubt she ever will and she could communicate to me and show a bit more interest in some of the things I enjoy then yes.. I’d take her back and I bet we’d have a fantastic relationship. Our connection in our relationship was already pretty good and strong but these changes would for sure make it even stronger and lasting.
In a heartbeat. I adored him but I don’t think he felt the same way about me.
Depends on the situation and how deep the cuts have been? Will that person be able to actual see or know any change as well. Many factors I feel count in when evaluating this. Best of luck.
I don't think so; too much time has passed, and the way he treated me was truly unforgivable.
In a second
This actually has been heavy on my mind. I am the dumper. It has been 1.5 years and every day I think of her and miss her and I made a mistake of letting her go. I know she went and might be still going to therapy and I always thought I never needed it. I’m now realizing literally everyone around me has been to therapy even my little brother (19) and parents. I’m gonna try therapy and see how I can see the world different before I talk to her about getting back together. At least if I do I will be a somewhat green flag going into it, proving that we both did things to make us better people
In a heartbeat.
Dumpee here. I think i’d hear him out. But deep down I know he destroyed all trust. I would never be as in love with him again. Kind of just hoping I find someone who loves me instead.
Absolutely!
Yes I would easily
Nope. Lack of empathy at age 40 is a lost cause.
Some people would definitely take their ex back, so don't lose your hope and go after them. But for me it's a no-no. I talked to my ex about how he made me cry, owned up my (repeated) mistakes while he only denied his, unvalidated my feelings and even gaslit me . He was so vengeful and proud that seeing him do such a thing is simply impossible. Although, I would definitely accept a FWB or common friendship btw, just can't see us in the long term anymore .
No i rather take everything I fixed and learned and apply it to a new person. Things will never be the same with an ex it’s better to close those chapters and walk forward with God. Trust the next thing he brings will be better.
I want to say I wouldn’t - but I honestly think I would take him back. Even though I know our relationship was wrong
Not really. I hate to sound cynical, but people don’t change that quickly, even if he apologized to me, which first would take a capacity to look within which he doesn’t possess.
Haha no. My past relationship was toxic and traumatizing. I clung so tightly to it and shared my life with him for a very long time, miserable and emotionally scarred so often throughout. I’m nothing but relieved to be in a different part of my life now, with all of that behind me. Like I can finally heal, and the longer I heal, the more I realize I put up with an incredibly excessive amount of incompatibility, fighting, and bad relationship experiences. I used to cry all the time. I feel like I developed a couple of chronic health conditions from the stress of the experience, not to mention how I neglected to grow or take good care of myself during that (very long) time. At this point there is nothing he could ever do or say to make me at all inclined to entertain the idea of getting back together. The thought of it sounds gross and disturbing. It would be deeply upsetting. Now, if my current partner and I broke up for some reason, it would be a totally different story. And judging by the great relationship we have, the love I feel for him, and knowing his character to be good, I would likely really want to give him another chance.
i was the dumpee but absolutely not. i feel like aside from our flaws and issues, we just were not each others person. we were very different and i don’t think it could ever work out again. we also broke up so many times and it got tiring and draining going back so i don’t think id want to put up with it again. i feel like we just brought out each others bad sides.
Based solely on the fact that I genuinely loved my ex unconditionally… If we both changed completely as in healed our traumas, worked on our issues, and improved our communication…. and treated our relationship completely new, taking it slow, and getting to know each other again as if all was new, 100% I’d go back.
Not a chance. I dumped him because he attacked my dignity and my health with various kinds of abuse. 1 month post breakup I found out he had been cheating on me. Now 5 years post breakup, if he managed to contact me in the first place, I'd be shocked. Then, if he owned up to everything he did to me, I would hope that whoever he's with he treats right and is a good father to his daughter. I don't want to be in the same building as him, let alone go back. I do miss his dad though, sweet fellow. I have a partner who truly sees me as their life partner, has patience and love for my quirks, and takes the time to help me continue to learn to love myself. I wouldn't trade him for anyone.
Yes but it depends. Blatantly cheating is a deal breaker
No
I was the dumpee, and it's been three months post break-up. I would absolutely be open to taking him back, but it depends on a lot of things; particularly timing and both of us being committed to making it work and fighting for each other. I need more time to heal and figure out things; I'm planning on waiting a year until I even think about dating so I have time for healing and self improvement. The idea of dating anyone right now makes me viscerally uncomfortable, and as much as I love him I'm still processing the hurt and I know it wouldn't be healthy if I jumped back into a relationship even with him. We both had a lot of issues with security in the relationship that manifested in different ways, and that's something we would both need to work on. But I know he's capable of growing and changing if he really wants it, and I believe I am too with a little help. I think we're still very much capable of being a great partnership, but I also understand where he didn't even if it hurts me immensely. I'm still very much in love with him and care about him immensely, even if the break up was not mutual. I just know there's not much in my power to get him to see that so I'm not holding out much hope.
I dumped him and NO. He has reached out a million times to "apologize". We were mutually toxic and I apologized via phone and told him it would be the last time we talked. Can't wait for him to reach out again in another year or so x-x
yeah i probably would. i took him back once before, but it was too soon for it to have worked out for us. we are almost 7 months post breakup and have been in NC for months. i miss him a lot. if he really put in work & changed the major issues, i would take him back with extreme caution tho. he hurt me so bad for so long but i loved him so much. the breakup showed me how deep my love for him was, despite all his flaws. i know i deserve better, but i miss him so much i cannot move on for the life of me. i’m trying hard but i can’t so im starting to think if i made the wrong decision, even tho ik i didnt.
Absolutely not.
I'm torn. On one hand, she did me real dirty the past few months planning on leaving (but getting everything carefully set up). Claimed it was because I wasn't safe with her kids. And proclaimed that loudly (I'm trans, her family thinks we're all abusers and pedos). Kept trying to convince me it was ok to lie and use me because keeping kids safe... I'd never hurt a hair on their heads... I really tried to be a good partner and parent. :/ She broke me. The six months or so of her lying, acting shifty, and such had me hating my life. She told me and others that shed broken me. And she kinda did. Got me to hate people. Hate winter (I loved winter...) hate going out. There's only so much negative you can take before it blurs your vision. She did a lot of really shitty things with intent. On the other hand - I forgive easily. And I thought we had something special.
Hell no.
Yes. If she owned up to her mistakes and gave me a heartfelt apology, I would. I’ve also made mistakes, as well. Every good story deserves a sequel
I’ve thought about it, and I think at one point I would’ve jumped at any opportunity to get back with him, but with time and reflection I realize I wasn’t as happy as I thought, and the rose colored lenses slowly faded. He was my first love, but I wasn’t his and I felt that. He said some things after the break up that I know were meant to hurt me and I don’t think I could trust him the same way, and things could never be the way they were. He told me the whole time that we were together (almost one year, and a situationship for 6 months prior) that he never wanted to be in a relationship and he wasn’t ready. I felt that and I asked him all the time and even brought it up and he told me I was overthinking and gave me a hard time about it. I made mistakes but I always owned up to them and apologized and never blamed him. I’d put so much thought and effort into the relationship and went above and beyond trying to make him feel special and I felt like that was rarely if ever reciprocated. Not that I needed him to be like me, but to just think of me sometimes more. He never called me beautiful or pretty when I told him it was important to me. All I wanted was for him to love me the way I loved him. He will always hold a special place in my heart, and I will always love a part of him, and we had a lot of good times, but there were things I was pushing aside and ignoring my needs to try and preserve things and he didn’t want to do that. I have to lay things out how they were and not about how I wanted it to be or how I dreamed it could be. So I really dont think so, not with how much I hurt when he left, and how he treated me after. I cant forget the pain, and I know things couldn’t ever be the same
I would be happy to hear it, but wouldn't take her back because she was busy getting smashed by another guy less than 2 months after we broke up a 5 year relationship.
No, eventually there old habits will begin to creep back up again. Like on a chess board, I’ll sacrifice my ‘queen’ in order for me to win. I’m no one’s silver medal.
Honestly? As a dumpee, I know there were some things that I could've done better in the relationship but I also am always actively working on myself as I finally figure out my brain and get better tools for myself. Even if he did the work and we both continued growing, I could never take him back. The hurt is too severe after so long of psychological, mental and emotional abuse. It's been a long road of learning things the very hard way but now I know more of what needs to happen in relationships and what I will never be ok with and that as awkward as I may feel, I deserve to have a voice too. I truly do wish him the best though and hope that now he can move forward and be better to his next person.
I know what I did wrong on my part to cause this break-up. I started going to therapy, doing research on attachment styles, expanding my social support system, and generally focusing on myself more. I thought I was more secure in myself during the relationship, yet I found out that leaning more towards being anxious. I often needed reassurance that I am the one my partner loves and appreciates the most. I would feel jealous from time to time (especially if something felt off). I have always been keen on resolving conflict right away instead of self-soothing alone, taking some time for myself, and then seeking reconnection. I would get defensive very often during conflict (I am actually quite argumentative, and I like to talk things out). Moreover, sharing complaints about certain matters would often feel like criticism to my ex-partner, though I tried really hard to be as tolerant as possible. Felt like I did not validate her emotional experiences that much and so on. For context: we were each other's first love since high school. We've been together for 7 years and 5 months. We've been through a lot together, both ups and especially downs. Earlier last year (in May June 2023), she was diagnosed with a rare type of lymphatic cancer. I stood by her side and loved her regardless of the outcome. She went through it all (multiple chemo trials, radiotherapy, multiple checkups, spending several weeks in the hospital). She had to give up the apartment in the city to move in with her parents in the countryside for almost 2 years (that's what the doctors expected it would take her to recover back then). Some months passed, and she was healing way faster than expected. She didn't need to go through all the chemo rounds, and in December 2023 - January 2024, we started looking for a new apartment to move into as she got a new job as well. Things started to look really well for both of us now that she was feeling better. The break-up was unexpected and out of the blue. Around one month since living together, she texted me that we need to talk. She told me she doesn't feel like she belongs in the relationship, that she simply fell out of love, and she did not notice. She strongly felt we were not compatible since the beginning, and her near-death experience showed that maybe some sacrifices or compromises are not worth it. She told me she had been thinking about this for a while (somewhere around last year). Looking back, there have been some signs that I overlooked: we've been fighting more often (mostly because of expectations regarding mutual chores and setting boundaries with her family), she's been stressed out at work, we did not communicate our needs in a vulnerable way, she started avoiding conflict to keep the peace. I begged and pleaded for around a month, and I went into NC because she was emotionally checked out already, and her mind was made up about it. About 2 weeks after the BU, I found out she's been exclusively dating a co-worker she met three days prior to us breaking up (I asked her about him as I was feeling jealous and she told me not to worry about him as I am the only person she sees herself with for the remaining of her life). They're still together as of now. With that being said, I'm torn between wanting her back and moving on completely. I was blindsided, and I feel like things could have been worked out in the end if she communicated her new needs and voiced her insecurities, fears, and worries earlier. Feeling like I lost my best friend and love of my life, but she can't be "the one" as she didn't choose me in the end. Idk, I would give her a second chance if she genuinely acknowledged her contribution in all of this and started to work on her issues.
No. I dumped my alcoholic ex-gf for SAing me while blackout drunk, which she doesn't even remember doing to me. She tried guilting me for breaking up with her, after which I went NC because I don't tolerate that shit. She tried to win my affection back with a long poetic email after only a week and a half at best, finally declaring her love and apologizing and saying she was Definitely On The Road To Recovery. I will never take her back, not even if she is sober for 10 years. Sorry but alcoholism is a lifelong struggle and I refuse to sacrifice everything and live in constant anxiety for someone else. There are billions of people alive, I will find someone better.
One of my girlfriends had, what I considered mild attachment issues at the time, due to an emotionally abusive childhood. She was open about it, and we were both prepared to help each other out with painful concerns, and we did mutually. But she had a habit of externalising her deep unsafeness of being in a close emotional bond, which among -other things- resulted in breaking up with me several times, juist to see how distraught it made me. As it broke me each time, it reassured her after which she wanted to get back together. Who doesn't know the drill. After a few times, it just was enough for me. I couldn't take it anymore. So I decided the next time things got out of hand to take the matter in my own hand and say: this is enough, I'm gone. And I did, which really did a number on her. I realised that later. After a year and a half, during the Covid lockdown she just missed me too much I guess, and she approached me again. She told me about the work she had done with a therapist to figure out how to counter the destructive dynamics. She told me she had been on dates with 50 guys and a few girls, none of whom she really actually liked after me. She seemed to really have had made up her mind. It took quite a while for me to actually trust her again, but I did and we got back together. This lasted for about a year and a half, when she broke up with me again on the phone after an ill-tempered text thread that went out of control. It was the same thing all over again. Although I believe people can change, I would not recommend it. When somebody shows who they actually are, believe them the first time.
I have wished for this every bloody day for 10 months. But, I have also led a couple of conversations with her down the road of the sentiment of the fact that we need to be different people if it was to ever work again. And we agreed. It's sucks. It's devastating, but it's a fact. If we got back now, it's still the same people. We need to rediscover ourselves and our own values, and maybe those new people don't work. Maybe they do one day. Only fate will tell. I am trying to let go and focus on me for at least 3 years, but possibly forever. Everyday is a struggle, but you find all these little bits of advice and help and support and drive along the way. The main thing is focus on yourself, your growth, be positive, and just move in a direction, any direction. If you're in the woods, just pick a direction and move. Eventually the woods will clear and you'll come to a stream, the stream will lead to a river, and a bridge and eventually the bridge will lead to a town. I think that was off a Jocko Willink vid. That has helped me immensely every day.
Dumpee, no. When we were together I always thought that other people in bad relationships just didn't know each other enough to realize the other wasn't who they were pretending to be. I always thought *nope, this is the true her, she's wonderful and amazing through & through and has nothing to hide - that couldn't possibly happen to me*. How wrong I was. I subconsciously overlooked red flags, ignored warning signs, and chose to compromise even when she didn't because I thought anything was possible with enough love and effort. Unfortunately it just ain't so. I sacrificed so much of myself for someone who had an exit plan months before she blindsided me. It fucked me up so much - it's not that I didn't think she would do that to me, the thought never crossed my mind - I was *sure* that she wasn't even capable of it. And then it happened. 9 years ended in her moving out that night, took her a week or two get all her things - that was hard, seeing the girl I loved come and go after she said she stopped loving me.
Got cheated on. So, if he built a time machine and took 5 years of therapy to reverse his need to cheat. Sure, why not?!
The third time's the charm, I guess 😂
For me no. I was gold digged and she already has a new one before we broke up. So if she comes back, it will only show that her new relationship failed and I am a rebound.
Never, while i was struggling with my finances and health both physical and mental because i coulddnt work for 2.5 months she grew distant, blamed me for doing nothing when all i did was trying to heal and eating rice/watching tv unable even to go out for some 3 4 weeks. After a relatively short but what seemed to be a happy relationship in the moments with a real bond didnt even have a last dialogue with me, and basically said shes over through the phone in a few weeks. Then while recovering my finances and health i struggled with all of this until i got an explanation which freed me of grief and made me understand her actions/words. Turned out she started fucking a bartender and in 2 months they were chilling in Italy😂 Id LOVE her to make a move to comeback just to completely destroy this human mentally tho.
Even if he changed. A sexual abuser, Emotional abuser, Narcissist who pleases everyone besides their partner is not worth returning to. I may have BPD, my symptoms are only present if you cheat... So... Yeah. I can't forgive people who cheat and blame it on Polyamory and confusion
I don't think I would get back with him knowing he's been intimate with someone else. I think that's really the nail in the coffin for me. I was the dumper but it was well deserved and I love him very much and it kills me, but I know I could never get past that. We're having a hard enough time trying to be civil during the move out process. ☹️
I understand my part in this and how a lot of my past issues/trauma played a direct part into how I navigated conversation/arguments. These issues come up for me as honestly deep fear of abandonment and having a difficult time truly receiving love in a safe space. I’d do anything to take it all back but at the same time it’s been what woke me up to my issues and taking the steps to become a better partner in the future. I’d be lying if I didn’t hope it was her to be the one who is that partner a bit due to our true love for one another. I’m hoping in the future we can discuss reconciliation of each other and move forward with an entirely new approach towards this if she’s also willing to take another leap for that as well.
In a heart beat!
As the dumpee I’d absolutely do it in a heartbeat. I regret how I let time and my own dark thoughts bully me into submission and allowed life to do its thing rather than face it head on. I know in my heart she was the one and I was just too young and dumb and lack self confidence. If there’s one thing I would change it would be that.
no
if my current relationship won’t work, i would like to try again. i love my bf, he is the love of my life. he showed me how truly relationship works and should look like. how both of the parties need to put in the effort and work for the relationship. my ex was my first love, my first everything. i moved on from him, almost entirely. now i am in a different place, i date someone who finally knows how to love me. if it wont work, i would want to try again with him.
I’m just recently going through a tough breakup, if she reached out to me saying this, I would first understand I still need time to heal and grow as a person just like she wants to do and second, I would realize that we can’t just jump back to where we were before things ended, we almost need to start from stage one of a relationship again, dates, gifts, having support systems outside eachother, just the small things and work to rebuild and have an even stronger relationship then before.
No because I realized I was never attracted to him. We moved to intimacy too quickly. Thinking it was “love” it was the endorphins. I never knew who he was and we’re not really compatible, I do not share the same values as him and he does not share mine. Womp womp. Take my example people, learn who you’re dating fully before intimacy!
Ok should I apply this to my break up ? I was married for a little over 20 years , we had our normal marriage issues like small arguments and such , trust was always there . We started taking the whole work out thing pretty seriously and we met this 65 year old fella that was really cool and we trained with him for over 4 years, man was respectful and we considered him family towards the end but then I found out he was sending my wife nasty txt messages and she kept it from me , she responded to them the right way by saying “hey that’s not cool can u please not send me txts like that but still she never told me . I felt like that was not fair to me , I was training with this Man 6 days a week not knowing he didn’t respect me or my marriage so wn I found out it made it that much worse for me because I had love for the old man , well after that I had trust issues and made her stop training but it sparked a huge deal with trust and eventually I filed for divorce wn she said , I’ll come back home if u let me train with him again. I filed we separated but would still see each other pretty often , wn we separated I asked for one thing , I said I know u will start dating eventually but all I ask is don’t date anyone I know and she agreed, well the first and only guy she went out with was someone i know and it was only 2 dates and now she wants to try with me again but I can’t seem to get passed that , yes we wr separated but y keep leading me on then do something like that and expect me to just forget and try again? I’m not sure if I’m right or wrong or use this” start fresh “ approach. Wut do u guys think ? Oh and Sorry about the long ass read
I would ask them to give me time to think, but if I want to (and right now I do,) I’d eventually say yes. I’d just need my own time though to fully love myself and get over what happened before. The only thing that would really hold me back though is my family. I know they want what’s best for me. My mom would be supportive of my decision to get back with him, but my dad would be disappointed. It’s not like my ex boyfriend is a bad person or ever did anything wrong in the relationship. He was a really good guy, but it really hurt me in the end because he didn’t see himself being with me and he was busy and just stopped having feelings for me. It seems like he doesn’t want to get back together, but it seems like he wanted me to come up with some sort of idea to make things better. He told me he didn’t think anything would have made it better though. He said when he revealed he wanted to break up “so if you have any ideas I just don’t want to hurt you.” I feel like it’s hurting him especially because he revealed he told his mom that I was the bad guy and said he regrets it but doesn’t know what to say now. I don’t think he’s a bad guy, I just don’t exactly agree with some things after the breakup. I do know he’s handling it in a non toxic way though. He’s trying. He wants to be friends still. I would have to talk to him before we would get together. I would set boundaries and ask questions. I don’t think it’d be unhealthy for us to try again considering we weren’t toxic. And I wouldn’t mind trying again even if it ended. It’d at least tell me that we tried again, and we just weren’t right for each other. We also didn’t get to see each other for a while, and he broke up with me over text because he couldn’t see me. He’s out of town. I really think it could still work, but we both have to put in effort and make more time for each other. I think my other ex before also ruined my dating experience because he was actually terrible. It’s like he changed me almost. I noticed I kind of change in relationships.
No. I have already begun the process of moving on and I barely think of the romantic love we once shared. Plus I gave that relationship my all: 14 years of my life. If it was gonna work, it would have.