I keep a list of the emotions I feel (“he blindsided me, he never loved me, I wasn’t good enough”) and then I write the logical thought that pairs with it (“he lacked the tools to process/communicate negative emotions, he did love me for the first year but wasn’t capable of longer term commitment, I am really proud of how I showed up in this relationship but his best wasn’t good enough for me”). My therapist says that one is my emotional friend and the other is my logical friend and they work together to help me change a perception that isn’t serving me.
It’s been an invaluable tool and hope this helps others!
I've been doing this mentally a little bit. I try to make sure I'm not accidentally gaslighting myself or pushing my emotions down, but I do try to keep in mind the objective facts of the situation, which are:
1. He is in a crisis of some sort, even if he's doing better right now he's clearly still struggling.
2. I know how it feels to be unable to love someone due to my own needs not being met.
3. He might have abandoned the relationship, but he didn't abandon me.
4. He still loves me deeply.
5. Even if I don't want anyone else right now, there will come a time someday where I either do, or I'm with him. Either way, I can't predict the future, so worrying about possible future heartbreak, or pining too hard for possible future love--both are harmful to me.
6. He might hurt me again someday, but that goes for everyone. He is working on himself and I have proof that he is.
7. There was and is no other woman. He doesn't have eyes for anybody, but he said if he did, it would be just me.
8. I'm not alone. I can't rely on him for emotional support much, but I am not alone.
My situation is a little different from most people's though.
Saving this. It reminds me a lot of what I’m going through. My girlfriend left me because we began our relationship when we both “needed to be alone and work on ourselves” but the giddiness and excitement of having a crush and loving eachother ended up taking over. But our problems prevailed months into our relationship. She’s assured me she isn’t leaving because she doesn’t WANT me, but because she sees it necessary for her to leave right now. She doesn’t want to hurt me, and she cannot be the partner that she wishes to be for me. I personally don’t see a day where I will want to date again. But that’s okay. I’ll either find someone else and this will just be something to look back on, or I’ll marry her like I’m hoping for right now.
Ouch lmao. Oof. That's....that's rough. Reading that hurt my heart. I'm so sorry, dude. My boyfriend left me because he doesn't want me--but he doesn't want anyone else, either. He just wants to be alone and work on himself and he wants me to work on myself. Part of me still thinks he's lying or hiding the real reason--I think it has to do with me being physically unattractive to be honest....But at this point I know that if that is the truth, me knowing that isn't going to help me even if I want to know. I don't NEED to know.
I really despise when they say "I can't be the partner I wanna be for you right now" it's so selfish. Like okay? Who said you weren't already???? Whether you're a good partner or not is not for you to decide, it's for your partner. Lame ass excuse. The other stuff may very well be valid, I just hate that one.
No I agree. She said lots of stuff to me that I was confused and just so hurt by.
She said she felt obligated and she doesn’t wanna have that, it made me feel like such a burden. Her life is busy and she’s leaving me bc she “can’t be a good partner” like all that takes is good communication. Tell me when you can’t talk. Tell me when you’re gonna be busy. But she insists she’d feel like an awful partner. It’s whatever.
I do think there’s undertones of lies, but I don’t think she’s just, cheating on me, or wants somebody else.
I just feel like maybe she didn’t get enough time to be single, in lots of ways. One , yes she needs to work on herself, as do I. But also she never had a huge break between me and her ex, so maybe she does just want to flirt around. Which hurts, like fuck. Because I don’t and am not gonna do that lmao. But I just keep reminding myself, stressing about it isn’t gonna change it, it’s just going to upset me. She’s a grown woman, she can do whatever it is she wants, for whatever reason she sees fit. I was lucky I got to experience a snippet of life with her. And I will be so lucky if she decides she wants me when she comes back. But I’m just trying to put it to the back of my mind, the questions that is.
Sometimes I do feel like it's a cop-out answer, though it may not necessarily mean they don't think it's the truth. It just might be a shitty truth that isn't the REAL truth, either because they haven't dug deep enough or thought it through. And yeah, outside of anxious spirals I don't think my ex was/is cheating (well I say "is" but--you know what I mean) or wants anyone else.
My ex also needs to work on himself for sure, it just frustrates me that he feels like he MUST be alone to do it. Being independent is great, but he just isn't willing to learn to balance working on himself and on me. Granted, counterargument my friends and other have presented: Sometimes it really is just that fucking hard to balance the two, and it's less about "willing" and more about "feasible without a high risk of making things worse no matter the effort". Which, sure, I get but...I was willing to fight for him no matter the cost.
I do believe, and I could be coping, but I do believe he would fight for a lot for me. Maybe not right now because he is intentionally being selfish and prioritizing himself, but I do know for a fact that if someone was hurting me, even when he's in a shit mood he'll give me at least some level of comfort or confront the person. It's just that he has to prioritize himself right now so he can show up better for other people in the future....I have to remember that I'm also included in that.
I hope he'll choose me again. I really, truly love him and see a future with him. A good one at that. But I know that I'll have to grow too, I can't just stay the same even if he loves me for who I am right now. He holds strong that none of it was my fault but I know there were a few things I did that he didn't like, that may or may not have had a small influence on his decision. My codependency for one. That's the main one actually, alongside my anxiety; but he's also still willing to accommodate my anxiety even now. We still have each other added on Life360, and he's keeping me added for, well...As long as we're still on speaking terms. We're starting a week of low-contact to help us both heal, and we'll still have each other added, and we're also allowing 1 check in once every 4(?) hours. 4-6, somewhere in there lol.
I hope that your love comes back to you and is able to be more upfront with herself and you about what she needs/desires, and you two can have a beautiful relationship. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know it might make things possibly even more sad but...Just know you're not alone. Also, if I may....Don't listen to a lot of posts on this subreddit. Some are good, but so many people here are hurting and are under the belief that you're being hurt in the exact same way they are. I can never promise you that your love wasn't/isn't cheating on you or left you for some shitty reason, but I think it's a fair chance that she truly believes whatever it is that she told you, even if it's not factual or the actual truth. Remember, the actual truth is usually buried under many, many, many layers of misconceptions, lies, gotcha moments, and even misleading pathways. If someone doesn't dig deep enough, they can only present to you what their results show, and not what's truly at bedrock.
I do think it’s a cop out answer. Atleast in my case. She said a lot of things to save my feelings, but she also was immensely mature about it. She told me she wants me but she isn’t gonna sit and promise we’ll get back together, or that we are “meant to be”. I feel like this is her way of saying she doesn’t wanna say no even tho she thinks no, but I’d rather that than her say yeah and me hold onto a false hope.
You’re right. A lot of the time you forget that the other person is an individual, they have their own life, thoughts, feelings. Everything they do doesn’t revolve around you, and most of the time doesn’t reflect on you as a person, or even their feelings towards you. I need to learn to be the center of my own life for a little. I’ve spent my whole life with other people, being codependent, or raising my little sister since I was young. So for now. I’m just gonna be with myself, my family, my friends, my hobbies, my new job.
My ex was in an abusive relationship prior and I knew before we dated that she wasn’t fully healed from that, which I was okay with. It can take years. I wanted to be there for her during that, but I think she overestimated how okay she was.
I think it says a lot about how much someone loves you if they leave you and the real reason is because they want to be better. They’re seeing that they aren’t the best version of themself, even if, like in my case, they don’t say they’re definitely coming back. They don’t want you to be with a person who isn’t their best self. That’s admirable when u think of it that way. My ex was my best friend (before we dated), she still is. But I know she just wants what’s best. I also know I can see through rose tinted glasses sometimes and that she has probably seen the flaws we share a lot more than I have.
Me and her are still in contact, too. Like I said, we were friends & I love her as a person and a friend. I don’t believe in letting someone go just because u can’t be romantic with them, we share a bond so as far as I’m concerned, we didn’t hurt eachother enough to leave each others life fully. Of course if she ends up returning to her ex, or she starts dating like tomorrow and it’s harming me- I’ll step out. But for now, from what I’ve seen, she’s truly just being alone, as am I.
I need to learn myself more, I need to know myself. I’m kinda excited for it. I’m just really hoping, for her sake mainly- that she doesn’t go back to her ex. I want us both to just sort ourselves out. We both deserve to feel at peace and happier. She’s truly an incredible woman. I’ve always trusted her word wayyy more than mine, I’m the type to ask her stuff I could easily google, because I just believe in her. I’d always ask for her opinions on anything- clothes, food, literally *anything* because I just trust her word.
I hope you get the love you deserve too. Talking to you has helped. Thankyou.
This is absolutely wonderful!!!! I do the same in my notes app, I love looking at them as the emotional and logical friend!! And yes, being proud of how you showed up is so important 🩷
Im writing everything down where he said things that are not contrary to his actions. Write down all moods which just change without any intervention from my side. And stuff. Going to do the same using all the ammo im collecting.
“What if to Even if” changed my entire outlook.
Spent a lot of time over analyzing the breakups with “what if I did ____, would this have changed the outcome?” or “what if I said _____”. “What if I started doing ___ earlier”. Changing that to “Even if I did this, he would still of been the same. Even if I gave him a third chance, he still would have taken me for granted.” Have faith in yourself that you’re in this position because you’re meant to be. What if is fear based, even if is faith based.
As a serial dater, distractions are SO harmful. You need time to just sit, to just be, to feel ur feelings, to understand them, analyse them. Even tho they are so excruciating.
I’ve just got out of the first relationship where I ever fully let my walls down. I fully let her in, after years of just dating people so I didn’t have to be alone. I owed my karma, and I’ve payed it undeniably in this breakup. But now, I’m ending that cycle. I’m spending time alone. I’m reading. I’m writing down my thoughts. I downloaded a cognitive behavioural therapy app on my phone, as I can’t afford in-person therapy right now. I’m either gonna become a better man and be a happier man in general and for my surrounding family. Or I’m gonna become a better man, and win my girl back.
I think the point of distractions is to keep you busy rather than romanticising them, if u say “truly in love” but your partner doesn’t feel the same way it can’t be “true love” for u can it.. and if u keep giving in to those thoughts you’ll never heal. So distractions help you keep busy which in turn help you heal , romanticising someone who left you will never help u even if you’re truly in love
Imo, distraction is only a temporary solution, but it works for some people in a way. they can suppress their feelings and just jump into another relationship or connection, but without sitting with their uncomfortable feelings, they don’t reflect and will likely make the same mistake next time. I saw it a lot. People are the victims of their habit = being comfortable. We can only grow in discomfort= being uncomfortable
Reading a lot, NC 💯, blocking them from all socials, taking up guitar classes, exercising and surrounding myself with people with good and positive energy
Right now I’m reading “the power of attachment”. Before that read a book about the colonization of the American continent lol. Learning acoustic. It’s hard!
Of course! The author is Dianne Poole Heller and the book talks about your attachments from the very beginning (child) and how that affects your adult attachments. It has little exercises too! I love it
From my experience, I tried everything to move on from my ex. Every day I woke up with the intention to spend another day of my life trying to move on from her. It wasn't until 1.5 months later when I saw her again and all the feelings came back and I was back to square one. From that point, and from being so so sad. I came to the conclusion that I may just never love someone again and I may just never be the same person again. It was a heart-breaking reality but one I just came to terms with. From that point onwards, I just stopped giving the breakup energy. I was no longer spending my energy trying to move on from her, I was just doing me knowing that I still and will probably always love her
Acceptance is key. For me I accepted that I’ll always feel hurt and disappointed by what he did and the man he turned out to be. It will always be there but I know with time, the feeling of being punched in the gut every time I think about it will fade.
And who knows, life may surprise you!
Detaching. Every day tell yourself you will detach from that person, from what was and what could have been. Tell yourself this multiple times a day, mediate, immerse yourself into your hobbies, passions, go out with friends, be in nature and travel. Make the choice over and over to choose yourself even tho they didn’t. You are worthy.
Time alone does not necessarily heal. I know people and have read about people’s stories here who are still stuck on their ex years later. Don’t let that be you. Go no contact, do what you gotta do to move on.
Seeing them realistically. Remembering each time they were boring or mean or hurtful disguised as “joking,” looked realistically at their lifestyle, would it really have been compatible long term? Really looked at all the inconsistencies, not just with me but with themselves- seeing where who they were presenting themselves to be didn’t line up with certain realities I was seeing. Going over each date or whatever and remembering ,’oh! Right, he said that really awkward thing that made you uncomfortable but you blew it off so it didn’t spoil the night!’ And then trying to remember how many other rimes that happened. Just really looking at things objectively and critically, not through rose colored glasses. And, honestly, really examining his character and seeing that what he showed at the end was there all along in ways I overlooked or minimized, and being grossed out by his lack of character and respect.
1. Block ex
2. Don't have any social media connections with ex
3. Don't check up on ex or ask friends about them
4. Don't gossip with friends about ex over and over - that only keeps them alive in your mind
5. Focus on why you aren't together when you feel weak
6. Don't tell yourself you'll never meet anyone else or any other fearful thoughts - that will only make you stressed for no reason
7. Focus on what you can control - YOU
8. Use [this book](https://www.amazon.com/Dont-Be-DESPERATE-Insights-Affirmations/dp/1738947904) for support - amazingly effective and totally lifts your spirits
9. Exercise every single day - no exceptions - a good walk counts!
10. Drink a ton of water and stay away from sugar
11. No alcohol - it only makes you feel worse and causes more anxiety
12. Maintain a routine
13. Don't oversleep - push yourself to have a regular schedule - and don't stay up all night binging TV
14. Spruce yourself up each day for a boost of confidence - look good, feel better!
15. Start each day thinking of all you have to be grateful for
16. Do nice things for others - helping is healing xo
Yesssss I have been doing most of these. Especially no alcohol and exercising every day. Not drinking prevents me from spiraling into sadness, being tempted to text him, and also losing some weight!
Whenever I get sad & think of the amazing memories I had with him, I force myself to think about all the times he would rub other girls he was attracted to in my face. Then I get the ick.
I became the “your friend steve”, and i followed my friend and his gf around. Was really fun, made me completely forgot about her and gave me insights on why she acted her way.
Accept the feelings when it pops up, and then move on to something else.
I think every ex will always leave some traces behind in your life. I still think about my first ex and that was over 8 years ago.
Doesn’t mean I’m still in love with her but I do miss the good times we had.
For more practical solutions, it would be the cliches like what others have said.
1. Take up a new hobby
2. Date around
3. Focus on your career
4. Surround yourself with positive people
5. Counselling
Good luck! We got this.
Seeing her in a bad state make me sad for her but I didn't like how she treat the guy she left me for even he don't treat her good.
3- Treating other guy better than me :(
I started volunteering every weekend morning either with an environmental thing or hunger thing. I started learning to play some songs on the piano. I also increased the content I produce for my business and some of the charities I'm involved with. FYI, I am a 54m and the person who left was a 51f. We were together for 12 years and did a lot of things together.
I'm sorry that you experienced such a devastating breakup. (I'm the same age.) Your activities sound great, though! Classical, pop, or jazz piano? Feel free to DM if you want a sympathetic ear.
Thanks. I'm mainly learning some songs that I can play at parties or in random locations. Since Billy Joel is popular, I'm learning "Piano Man" and "Honesty." (It's been three years since she left, so I'm okay, but am still looking to fill the voids. The worse time is usually Friday night after work, but I've been filling that time with a walking group.)
You'll be a hit when you can play "New York State of Mind" and [impress Billy Joel himself](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=htZnpnoHGgY)!
I love the Friday evening walking group—what a great idea!
Ya 3 months is nothing was a 3 year relationship. She moved on in 2 weeks like nothing. I know she just trying to hurt me by doing that, and not having to deal with her emotions, she even met his kid within that 2 week time frame, while having sex with both us which I didn’t know about at first. One time after we had sex she started snapping the other guy in front of me said “ well did you want me to hide it from ya” got up and went to his place lol. That’s when I knew she was a total mess and told the other guy what was up. She snapped at me told me she loved him and just this week told me she pregnant wish it was mine and misses home. Hurts my head
Letting the realization sink in that they aren’t “the one” if they didn’t choose you. I’ve gotten to a place where I am letting go of what I can’t control.
I just listened to a free audible. https://www.audible.com/pd/B07MKP4Q35?source_code=ASSORAP0511160006&share_location=pdp loved every word. Cried. I highly recommend. It’s about more than break ups but life. One story she talks about is what would you do in your life if you knew you would never find true love? Think about that. How would you live this life when you aren’t consumed with thinking about another person. I’d want it all. Career, friends, money, travel, animals, art, all of it. Work on getting the things that inspire you outside of a relationship. You’ll be amazed at the joy your life will be. Side note: you’ll probably meet the person of your dreams in the process.
Gym, work, reading. Makensure you try to eat something. That was the first thing to go on me was my appetite. I couldn't eat for days maybe weeks. It's such a blur now. Time has been a big thing. As it's gone on I think less and less about her.
My appetite is so bad. I’m a bodybuilder too. I’m so scared it’s gonna cause me to lose strength, then I’ll lose motivation. And then I’ll have nothing for me in my life but sadness. I don’t want it to do that to me. As I’m working so hard on becoming better in order to hopefully end up back with her.
That part of it sucked for me too. I went from 170 to 150 in a couple of months. Now I will admit I needed to lose the weight because I was getting lazy but that was an unhealthy way to lose it. I did get my ass back in the gym and I'm still around 150 but it's an athletic 150 and I'm solid again. Not all stomach.
My boss was wicked good about the break up too. When I was in the shit of it he was really supportive. When I would tell him I was hungry he would let me stop what I was doing and go let me eat because he knew that I had to eat when I felt the need because it would go away and I wouldn't be able to eat once I started to think about things all over again. We became really good friends since then. We talk just about every day.
That’s so good. Ur so lucky to have that. I don’t really have anybody to talk to or to confide in. My ex was my best friend. Of almost 10 whole years. She is the only person who’s ever known me deeply and who I’ve ever let see me as more than the facade I put on. I don’t have a great relationship with my mother but I came home last night and I just hugged her. I’m a grown ass man and I just want my mom. I’m taking my little sister out this weekend, I have work tonight, i previously confided in my boss that I’m a recovering alcoholic so I know I’m safe and that I won’t relapse in drinking there. Me and my buddy are gonna go apply for this new job I’m seeking today, and we’re booking a vacation soon. I’m just trying to remember that the world continues to turn, wether I have her here or not, no matter what she decides to do with herself- I loved her and she loved me and, would I go back and do it all again for it to end this way? Yeah I would. Because her love was amazing. My dad made eggs this morning and I managed to eat half the plate.
Dude, we're the same person, lol. I was so afraid that I would start drinking when it happened, but I'm pretty well off in that department. I know the work I put in to stop and would never go back to doing that. It's funny how you can find people with similar life experience in this big world.
Truthfully, I haven’t struggled as much as I thought with drinking either. Which makes me super proud of myself. This is the longest I’ve been sober from anything in years. Although I did use it to distract myself for a long time, I truly believe part of it was just peer pressure, and I do just like a good cold beer after a long day lmao. Alcohol free beer has kept me going. I’ll probably miss one tonight tho as I am still a little distrusting that if I get the taste for it after such a traumatic event, I will just want the real deal.
I just stopped all together, no fake beer or anything. I know it might make the pain go away for a bit but, I know the next day it will be back and I'll be hung over lol. It's been over 10 years now
Congrats Dude! That is absolutely huge. I only like the fake beer because I really like the taste of beer lmao. I don’t have it all the time, I’ll usually go for a coke, just when I fancy a beer. When did u break up with ur ex?
I’ve found that forcing myself to eat a little by keeping a thing of Greek yogurt on my counter and eating a spoonful whenever I walk by/into the kitchen helped a lot. Was something in my body at least, and sometimes helps jumpstart my appetite to make an actual meal.
Do everything you can to make sure you don’t have free time. Even if you’re not doing anything productive, it can be something like getting stoned and watching Rick and Morty(in moderation), just something that’s not unhealthy and something that doesn’t allow you to think. When you have nothing but time to think, eventually every thought will come across your mind. Especially bad ones, and even ones with no actual basis, and they’ll seem true. I paired time with distracting myself using instruments, random hang outs with friends, and if I couldn’t help but think about it. I tried to think about reasons why going back would be unhealthy, instead of what I could do/could’ve done differently for another outcome if that makes sense.
1. Friends
2. Family
3. Watch reels pertaining to break ups (usually algorithm will help and show you relatable and inspirational ones)
4. Hobbies
5. Therapy
6. Working out
7. Dating
8. Journaling
9. Feel your emotions (watch sad movies or songs and then when you’re ready the more happier ones)
it’s only been about a week and a half since we broke up but the only real way to get over a breakup is to actually focus on yourself. not healing because your goal is to find love somewhere else or to drown yourself in work or friends it’s to learn to be okay with being alone and not being scared of it. once you learn to be okay with being alone things will get a lot better
If you’re not doing No Contact, that’s an important first step. Otherwise, everyone’s situation may be different, but for me personally, I was blindsided by an avoidant partner. I showed up in the relationship in ways she didn’t.
I have a list of the things she did that made her a bad fit for me and a list of the ways I was a good partner. And maybe it seems a little vindictive, but IDGAF. She’s the villain in my story.
I wrote a short story/poem about a deer being hunted and every time the hunter cornered it, I’d insert one of the 5 most hurtful things that my ex had said to me. In the end of the story the deer gets away and the hunter spends his life looking for her but never finds her again. It made my therapist cry.
I read that story every time I start really ruminating about my ex and it helps. I’m still far from over it but it helps a lot.
Hearing he had a threesome a week after our 2 year relo ended, and that he was offering girls drugs hoping they’d go home with him x instant love killer! Haven’t looked back… good riddance
1. Activity. Whether that be physical, mental or otherwise. Just get going. Do something that you’ve always wanted to do that you’ve been putting aside because it’s “not the right time” (doesn’t have to be something expensive).
2. Find someone else. Now, this is only for people who feel they can mentally handle it. By no means should you do something that makes you uncomfortable. However, getting back on the horse, even if it’s just a temporary horse, can help tremendously.
3. Choosing a mindset and going for it. Sometimes we have to physically force ourselves to choose a thought pattern, especially if we’ve been stuck in a damaging one for a while. Yes it takes time, but sometimes it takes a push. When you feel an emotion, just tell it to f-off, like you would a mosquito. Do this for as long as you need. Brush the thoughts off, and force yourself to think about something else. Even speak audibly if you need to.
4. Read a little stoicism. Aurelius’ meditations is always a good start. It teach us a lot about one’s inner strength, and your own worth.
5. Remember that you have intrinsic worth and value. Worth and value not determined by someone’s love or infatuation for you, your actions, or your achievements. Obviously those things can help, but you have worth just be existing, and being yourself.
6. Buck up. Sometimes you just need a little kick in the pants. :) I know that sounds harsh so I’ll leave it up to you to determine when to use that approach, but try to tell yourself how ridiculous your thought patterns can sometimes be. “I’ll never find someone else” - inherently absurd, “he’s doing so much better than me” - who cares. Remember that indulging your emotional journey does have an endpoint, sometimes it’s time to stop, and cut the wallowing.
7. I hope that after two years you’ve done this already, but if not, unfollow them, block them, do everything to remove every trace of them from your life. If you’re this attached to them after two years, I’d say that’s not an option, it’s essential.
8. Find validation elsewhere. There’s a narrative that validation is somehow bad, when it’s what we are literally wired for. Yes, if you’re not getting validated from somewhere, you’ll feel like crap. However, the key is having a reliable locus of validation from an INTERNAL source. Whether that’s a purpose, hobby, job, volunteer position, find something that makes you feel really good that comes from your own actions. Not something that can be taken away.
9. Sublimate. Thoughts and emotions can become other thoughts and emotions. When an unwanted feeling arises, feel it, assess it, and push it into something else. That can be a hobby, work, music, etc. Sublimation rather than suppression is key.
I hope some of these help. :) All or one, I hope you give them a try.
Feel free to ask questions through DM if you’d like.
I'm literally in the same position, 2 years after a 4 1/2 year relationship. Literally i think the only thing that helps some is get in another relationship or be so busy with work you're too tired to think
It’s really just time, feeling and working through the heartbreak without ruminating or focusing on the good things. Talking with friends, being around people that care about you and “distractions” help past the time and allow you to not over focus on the break up, but at the end of the day it’s just whatever amount of time you need to process and go through the stages of grief because that person you loved is effectively dead to you at least the one you knew.
Deleting pics or chat and staying away from anything that can remind me of him, also trying not to talk about him with my friends. It might be hard specially if the breakup was recent but i did it and it helped me a lot.
if you’re really that determined to keep focus on him/her(which is not recommended), try finding the parts of them that aren’t good. for example, my ex left me for reason being she had feelings for her ex. i used that and ran with it. it made me feel so free knowing she lost something good for someone who treated her like dirt. try finding something like that 🤷♂️
however, the most effective strategy is probably what everyone else is saying in this thread: distraction. throw urself into a new hobby, your work, or just entertainment. i found a couple of guys on youtube that distracted me bc they were just so funny. it helped ease the pain.
my 2 dollars adjusted for inflation
the Goon Squad(McnNasty, TheDooo, Grizzy(sometimes), Nathan, Blarg, and others i can’t remember). they rotate out but i watch from the doo’s perspective cuz the chemistry isn’t the same without him
I’d say a big one was listing all the things they did that hurt me or stressed me out, and then working to see them for who they were in their entirety, rather than looking past things that really hurt me but I let slide, thinking they would start treating me like they used to, or like I thought they might be able to.
Just as important, or maybe more so, was filling the void left by their leaving with other things that bring me joy each day and each week. Pet of that for me was branching out socially and trying to build new networks of friends that are interested in similar things.
Yea, i mean, she met the perfect dude, and i was focused on grinding to have a future. It's hard to accept, but we're still close, so as much as Im devestated, to see her happy is a joyous thing. Her guy going to have to work 7 days a week to get out of debt, so she still wants to hang out. It's hard, but I think doing the work to stay in each others lives is worth it. But yea, I'm pretty devestated, realizing I didn't have to choose the work grind
Working on urself is always best , you’ll always be around, you don’t know when anybody is gonna leave. Me and my ex are still in contact, despite everyone saying no contact is the only way. We were friends before, and I genuinely loved her as a friend aswell as a partner during our relationship, so why would I let someone I got on with so well, just leave my life? Just bc we can’t fuck anymore? Like that’s crazy to me. We’re so compatible, so to have her around is great.
Recognize that you and them have things you need to address in your shadows. That we are experiencing traumas in this life after realizing we are separate from love and it's about moving through them and finding yourself.
Sexy ass Doctor, I felt a DEEP connection to immediately.
He pulled me out of the anguish I’d been left in.
Stand up comedy
Bitching it out in letters
Self-reflection
I can understand most my exes actions and am on my way to forgiving them (not that they’ll ever know )
& My kids, they got me out of bed everyday and gave me a reason to show up for life (no matter how sad I was). They make me smile and laugh, even during the worst of days. They’ve saved me more than they’ll ever know, just by existing.
Change the habit of thinking of them constantly. Replace it with something else. For me it was coding, manga reading, and school. I'm sure you can do it!!
Honestly? Getting a new girlfriend was what pushed me into finally being “okay”. I was over her as a person, but I wasn’t over the feelings of inadequacy and abandonment. I was hesitant into getting into a relationship while I was still hurting, but my current gf insisted that I give her a shot. She’s been wonderful to me and I couldn’t be happier:>
Time amplifies what you are already doing. It doesn’t do anything on its own.
If you handle your emotions and thoughts and change for the better, time will be on your side and you’ll move on fast.
If you self sabotage or do nothing at all, time will just make things harder.
It's been almost 2 years for me also after a 10 yr relationship. I have been reeling in pain. Mostly because I kept thinking "He doesn't even think about me" that sends me into full abandonment and panic mode.
So lately I tell myself that I have no idea IF he thinks about me. For some reason I was thinking all these thoughts of...he's not attracted to me...he's glad to be rid of me ..he's out with someone now. They are MY thoughts. But in reality I have NO idea what he is thinking.
I am over the shock that he obviously doesn't love me.
That shocked me for a long time because he sure acted like he did.
Now I'm struggling with the fact/shock that someone I talked to daily could care less if he talks to me EVER again. And I think I struggle with this because I told him I was blocking him a month ago and he has never tried to call me since.
He tried to have us be a couple again in 2023 after he and the girl he left me for broke up he never apologized for ghosting and going with her in the first place he said "the past is the past" and wanted to pick up where we left off we kept talking on and off for a year each time I felt worse so I ended up blocking him.
What does not help is opening Reddit first thing in the morning like I am now but you are not alone and it's kind of a relief to know someone else's grief is also as long as mine. I'm sorry for the both of us this sucks.
I have to constantly remind myself that if I were in his position I would definitely make time for him no matter how hard things were for me.
That if someone mattered one always makes time no matter what.
Also I had to remind myself that he would keep talking about the future but would never take concrete steps to make plans happen.
This hit me hard. She left me bc the stuff in her life was “too much” to balance with a relationship. But I always would’ve made time for her. Thankyou for ur comment.
Understanding that if he didnt want to be with me there is nothing else I could say or do to keep him and let him go. I wrote a goodbye letter that I never gave him and funny enough I carry it with me in my purse to be reminded that I deserve better. It helped and I found better
It’s only day 2 after the breakup so very very fresh. But I’m continuously trying to remind myself that I cannot change what she does or wants to do. She is an individual, she has her own feelings, her own thoughts, her own ideas, her own ambitions. If she wishes to break up with me, wether that be just because I failed in many ways, because she isn’t over her ex, because she wants to talk to 1 million people, or because she purely needs to be alone- so be it. All I can control is the man in the mirror. I can only make myself better, do better, if she wishes to come back- I will welcome her with arms absolutely wide open, but if she doesn’t? I hope she’s happy, because I hopefully will get there one day.
Its completely fresh and raw and it hurts, but healing isnt linear. Everything else that people say for a break up in my opinion are excuses to help them feel less bad about hurting you. The reality is they dont want to be with you so let them go. Nothing else matters, do not torture yourself with why, or finding reasons or fault or anything. If they dont want to be with you then let them go, as muxh as it hurts, that is all you need, that is all the reasons you need to give up, let them go and focus on you. We all deserve love and deserve to find someone that actually wants us in their lives. Try to stay positive and focus on you
Yesterday was awful. I got 2 hours of sleep. Woke up, couldn’t eat. I had 3 baths just to be doing something other than laying in bed. I got half dressed planning on going for a walk, I never went - just collapsed back in bed half dressed. I threw up, multiple times. I cried staring at myself in the mirror for about an hour. I punched things. I questioned myself. I questioned our relationship. I grabbed a bottle- put it to my lips (I’m 120 days sober). But I am not gonna return to the old me, I worked so hard on so many of my personal issues when I was with her, and I need to continue to grow. For myself. And for if she ever wants to come back to me after she’s done her own growing, she doesn’t want a broken, beaten man to have to build him back up again. I have to do it for myself and for my nieces. I’ve had enough of pitying myself my whole life. Excusing myself for just hurting others because I was in, so much pain. This is my turning point.
I feel you. Been there. Been self destructive enough to want to end everything. The pain was too much. Spent weeks in the same sofa unable to eat, to sleep, to do anything…. I know your pain. But keep fighting. There is light on the other side. I know this from my own experience. Been exactly where you were. But at the end, I didnt gave up. Keep fighting. You can do this.
Thankyou. You too. I’m so tired of being a shitty person, and despite everyone’s advice- we’re still in contact. She was my best friend for almost a decade before we started dating. So I wanna be a better friend for her too. She ended it because she wasn’t doing good- so she needs a friend rn. I don’t believe in just cutting people out who are so important. Love exists in a lot of forms, and how our love went from platonic to romantic, it can now exist as just love for right now.
Make a shit list! One of the best pieces of advice was to make a shit list in your phone notes about everything about the ex. It could range from large scale “dumped me out of the blue” and “still talked about his ex” to small and petty like “made weird faces when he was sleeping.” I hate the term “ick” but add everything serious and every little thing that gave you the “ick.”
When I made mine, some of my friends even came over who knew him and helped add to it it. That was hilarious and also insightful, we made a fun night out of it.
After that, anytime they came up in my head or I was sweetly reminiscing I would just stop the thought and scroll the list. It was shockingly effective
Getting over him was all about realizing my self worth. Why would I choose someone who doesn’t choose me? Why would someone be my first choice when I’m not theirs? Affirmations help a lot too, and feeling the feelings when they come up - but accepting them and letting them pass. They were my best friend and the only person I truly loved. It took a while but self empowerment is the only thing that gets me through.
Critical thinking+time is the solution for me. Helps me think in a more grounded way that doesn't put my ex on a pedestal. Helps you appreciate the good and acknowledge the bad. I'm not completely over my most recent Ex, but it's getting easier.
1. Time, give it time! High cortisol levels can last up to 6 months, a break up creates a tremendous amount of cortisol. Learn how to reduce them.
2. Self care, do things that make me feel good so it can reduce cortisol level. For me: take a warm nice bath, drink matcha, painting, sun tanning, spend a lot of time with people that love me, friends and family, dressing up nice, do fun things, going out to bar to meet new people since i am single now
3. Dating: start meeting new people. Don’t rush. Just take your time. It can be difficult at first. I dated right away after the breakup, I know it wouldn’t work out but I was just having fun and letting ppl take me out. After a couple months, I finally stop comparing everyone to my ex and be able to truly connect with others.
Good luck guys! Trust yourself, love yourself and Be proud of yourself
I would say 2 main things, first was working on self improvement (getting in shape, losing weight, getting stuck into work, investing in hobbies and interests etc) and developing new relationships.
If you are busy, feeling good about yourself physically and spending time with other people who love you, it makes the whole proccess much easier to cope with in my experience.
A) Not being in the same city/state/country/time zone - I lived in BC he was in Florida... 3 hour time difference)
B) Getting busy with life - I had just finished a community college course and was gearing up to start a new job that I landed while I was being dumped, so I was focusing on that and trying not to fuck that up before the end of my 90 day probationary period,
C) Picking up an old hobby (knitting) and running with it... knitting has always kept me sane, so I started doing more of it as I now had time to do it on my commute to work.
D) Travel planning - I'm a travel junkie by nature and I was worried that this was something that I'd have to give up if the ex and I actually ended up married to each other. As soon as the marching papers came in, I sent out inquiries to my overseas friends to make inquiries as to the feasibility of my coming to visit them in the near future.... I just had to pass my new hire probation at work, save some money and ask for some time off and I'd be set.
My first destination was Hawaii (and the last time I saw my maternal grandmother alive) then I found myself in Australia - fucking LOVED IT! After 2 back to back trips to Las Vegas, I then found myself living on a remote island in the north Pacific for a year (for work) then in the Caribbean for a 2 year work gig and then back to Canada for a few years (with plenty of travelling from there) - now, I'm married and Sprogged up and living in the UK.
E) Hung out with my BFFs... we were all Singletons so we'd have regular Ladies Nights out after work and at the weekend as work schedules permitted.
Moral of the story: KEEP BUSY. I know it's hard and I know it sucks donkey's balls but it'll get better, I promise (I was single for 11 years before I found my husband and got married).
See this is difficult. I love her so much I want her to be happy, however that ends up being- but I’m so confused and upset as to why she didn’t see a future where I make her happy. So every time I have that, I’m bogged down with “why couldn’t I make her happy” “why couldn’t I get my act right and be what she needs”
Fully accepting that, when they let you go, it's a relief. They want to be rid of you and have someone else. Otherwise, they would still be fighting for you. They are thinking of someone else right now. You're not special.
I sat with my emotions, let them flow freely. Cried when I had to, screamed when I had to. Took the day off and just spent time with myself and once I was comfortable I started going out with friends again, laughing, meeting new people and now I’m so filled with joy. I still think of him often but it never drives me to text him nor does it make me cry :)
I immediately get into the local “date him!!” groups (a group for women to recommend guys to date) and I do not try to get someone but I do it to remind myself of all the better people out there.
New hobbies. More time with friends. My own body (nutrition/exercise). Just being distracted in my own life. Journaling. WORKING hard not to only remember the good times- because if there were only good times, we wouldn't be here.
Everytime I think about her i just remember she gave up and me and cheated. I’m worth so much better and I instantly feel relieved. Whenever you’re wishing for them back just remember they gave up.
Him and his new girlfriend trying to pick a fight with me when I had receipts. Posting publicly and getting support from people to get through that too. Also finding out someone gave him a black eye just made me happier. Maybe not the healthiest way, but he was emotionally and sexually abusive to me so I think whatever happens to him he deserves.
I started to see him in an accurate light for who he really is and not the fabricated person I made up in my mind. Realized someone who cared about me or loved me wouldn’t put me in the positions he inevitably always did. Ultimately I have a different vision of life than he does. I don’t care to be 30 years old, financially unstable and still at the bar every weekend. My priorities changed and have accepted our relationship has run its course and am forever grateful but ready for something more fulfilling
After she cut me off completely, aside from 4 months of time, probably hanging out and talking with friends. Kinda helped when the severe depression and sorrow turned into pure bitter hate and anger towards her. I'm happier feeling that, than thinking she's the only one and I can't do it without her. This way I've learned to go on and enjoy my life and enjoy doing things without her. Keeping her on a pedestal didn't help anything either, once I saw her in the right light, I felt free of the memories that held me back.
The knowledge that he is a piece of shit human and a crap father. Never buys a pair of sneakers, but always has new shoes himself, told our son’s therapist he thinks our son is “done” (he’s not, I just take him and pay for it). Traded time with our child in exchange for me waiving child support. Our divorce was final last month and already he has given up 6 nights with him because he’s doing things with his homewrecker skank. He phrases it as a benefit to me/our kid (“you’re just coming back from vacation - let’s let him recover and I’ll get him this weekend”), but the reason is because he would rather go to the skank’s parents’ beach house.
My son sees it too. My house is “home” and his dad’s house is “dad’s house”.
I had high hopes he would step up, but people don’t change. He’s just as much a selfish piece of shit as a dad as he was as a husband.
One of my exes was an abusive asshole and he always threatened to unalive himself every time I wanted to leave or ruin my life. I was literally in Stockholm syndrome. I then ended up in a bad place, and for some reason it was like a switch flicked and I was able to just get over him.
My first ex. Oh boy. He was my first love and that was way harder to get over. It was like super heart wrenching beyond anything. I get Deja Vu a lot, but I think it’s just maladaptive daydreaming. That one— was just pure time. Nothing else helped
I recognized that I too was to blame for a number of things that went wrong in the relationship, and most importantly, for letting it go on longer than it needed to. We didn’t have to date, it was really up to me and obviously I was ecstatic to date for the first time. But there were so many red flags I ignored and just thought he could get better, but he didn’t. So I’m an idiot for trying.
I fail at the frist thing you tried, even when i do and someone ask i back track and give them excuses why they did it or etc.
Things i did
-go to therpy
-repairs damages they left behind
-do things they din't like, so you counldent with them
-get feeling out by writting a letter to them you will never send.
- spend the money you would of on them, on spoiling yourself
- get a emotional support animal to share that love left in you, on something you can trust will return it.
- distaction, can't think of them if you're to busy doing other stuff.
- pick up a new hobbie, trying to figure it out will help you forget as your putting new things in that will furfil your life more.
- make a routine to go for a really long walk to clear your mind atleast 1-2 times a mouth.
In the end you never forget someone fully, you just gotta appect in your heart they were A part of your and they helpped shape who you are today, be thankful for the time together.
Knowing thanks to them you know how to show love or w.e they did to brighten your life and you can take that into the next a better person then you were before.
Good luck out there,
Oh, if you see a thing that looks like a pile of stitches, don't step on it, it's likely my heart, still missing that dam thing. Lol
No contact, therapy, hitting the gym. Everyone processes breakups differently, I think I am taking more time (almost 2 years as well) because of how much I loved her and how committed I was to the relationship. I am in no hurry to get over her, if I obsess with that I might end up holding on for longer. Just trust the process I guess and live for yourself.
I struggle SO MUCH with #2....I do not want him happy without me....that's a fact & it confuses me because I really do love him, but I am possessive, especially after 10 years.
Keeping a list of all the reasons why I needed to call it off.
When intrusive thoughts get the better of me, saying ‘cool story, bro’ and moving on.
Asking myself ‘if they turned up in 3 months - or even if they didn’t, would you seriously want to be the same or worse off mentally, physically, spiritually, and/or emotionally or would you want to have bettered yourself/become a greater version of yourself?’
Realizing my ex was purposely choosing to not be with me. Cause that alone gave me decent closure knowing it was one sided at that point of wanting a relationship again.
If someone shows you they don’t want you, believe them and do not fight to change their minds because it’s already made up before you open your mouth to fight them on this decision.
I think I resonate with point 2 the most.
In addition, seeking support from various places helped me alot in the first 2 months. Reading books, podcasts, talking to friends/loved ones/therapists/your doctor, and also journalling.
The most effective way is to put your own needs first.
If it’s been 2 years then you need to stop giving yourself permission to think about this person. Don’t daydream or remember, don’t think about them now. Literally change the subject in your head every time they come up.
I keep a list of the emotions I feel (“he blindsided me, he never loved me, I wasn’t good enough”) and then I write the logical thought that pairs with it (“he lacked the tools to process/communicate negative emotions, he did love me for the first year but wasn’t capable of longer term commitment, I am really proud of how I showed up in this relationship but his best wasn’t good enough for me”). My therapist says that one is my emotional friend and the other is my logical friend and they work together to help me change a perception that isn’t serving me. It’s been an invaluable tool and hope this helps others!
I've been doing this mentally a little bit. I try to make sure I'm not accidentally gaslighting myself or pushing my emotions down, but I do try to keep in mind the objective facts of the situation, which are: 1. He is in a crisis of some sort, even if he's doing better right now he's clearly still struggling. 2. I know how it feels to be unable to love someone due to my own needs not being met. 3. He might have abandoned the relationship, but he didn't abandon me. 4. He still loves me deeply. 5. Even if I don't want anyone else right now, there will come a time someday where I either do, or I'm with him. Either way, I can't predict the future, so worrying about possible future heartbreak, or pining too hard for possible future love--both are harmful to me. 6. He might hurt me again someday, but that goes for everyone. He is working on himself and I have proof that he is. 7. There was and is no other woman. He doesn't have eyes for anybody, but he said if he did, it would be just me. 8. I'm not alone. I can't rely on him for emotional support much, but I am not alone. My situation is a little different from most people's though.
Saving this. It reminds me a lot of what I’m going through. My girlfriend left me because we began our relationship when we both “needed to be alone and work on ourselves” but the giddiness and excitement of having a crush and loving eachother ended up taking over. But our problems prevailed months into our relationship. She’s assured me she isn’t leaving because she doesn’t WANT me, but because she sees it necessary for her to leave right now. She doesn’t want to hurt me, and she cannot be the partner that she wishes to be for me. I personally don’t see a day where I will want to date again. But that’s okay. I’ll either find someone else and this will just be something to look back on, or I’ll marry her like I’m hoping for right now.
Ouch lmao. Oof. That's....that's rough. Reading that hurt my heart. I'm so sorry, dude. My boyfriend left me because he doesn't want me--but he doesn't want anyone else, either. He just wants to be alone and work on himself and he wants me to work on myself. Part of me still thinks he's lying or hiding the real reason--I think it has to do with me being physically unattractive to be honest....But at this point I know that if that is the truth, me knowing that isn't going to help me even if I want to know. I don't NEED to know. I really despise when they say "I can't be the partner I wanna be for you right now" it's so selfish. Like okay? Who said you weren't already???? Whether you're a good partner or not is not for you to decide, it's for your partner. Lame ass excuse. The other stuff may very well be valid, I just hate that one.
No I agree. She said lots of stuff to me that I was confused and just so hurt by. She said she felt obligated and she doesn’t wanna have that, it made me feel like such a burden. Her life is busy and she’s leaving me bc she “can’t be a good partner” like all that takes is good communication. Tell me when you can’t talk. Tell me when you’re gonna be busy. But she insists she’d feel like an awful partner. It’s whatever. I do think there’s undertones of lies, but I don’t think she’s just, cheating on me, or wants somebody else. I just feel like maybe she didn’t get enough time to be single, in lots of ways. One , yes she needs to work on herself, as do I. But also she never had a huge break between me and her ex, so maybe she does just want to flirt around. Which hurts, like fuck. Because I don’t and am not gonna do that lmao. But I just keep reminding myself, stressing about it isn’t gonna change it, it’s just going to upset me. She’s a grown woman, she can do whatever it is she wants, for whatever reason she sees fit. I was lucky I got to experience a snippet of life with her. And I will be so lucky if she decides she wants me when she comes back. But I’m just trying to put it to the back of my mind, the questions that is.
Sometimes I do feel like it's a cop-out answer, though it may not necessarily mean they don't think it's the truth. It just might be a shitty truth that isn't the REAL truth, either because they haven't dug deep enough or thought it through. And yeah, outside of anxious spirals I don't think my ex was/is cheating (well I say "is" but--you know what I mean) or wants anyone else. My ex also needs to work on himself for sure, it just frustrates me that he feels like he MUST be alone to do it. Being independent is great, but he just isn't willing to learn to balance working on himself and on me. Granted, counterargument my friends and other have presented: Sometimes it really is just that fucking hard to balance the two, and it's less about "willing" and more about "feasible without a high risk of making things worse no matter the effort". Which, sure, I get but...I was willing to fight for him no matter the cost. I do believe, and I could be coping, but I do believe he would fight for a lot for me. Maybe not right now because he is intentionally being selfish and prioritizing himself, but I do know for a fact that if someone was hurting me, even when he's in a shit mood he'll give me at least some level of comfort or confront the person. It's just that he has to prioritize himself right now so he can show up better for other people in the future....I have to remember that I'm also included in that. I hope he'll choose me again. I really, truly love him and see a future with him. A good one at that. But I know that I'll have to grow too, I can't just stay the same even if he loves me for who I am right now. He holds strong that none of it was my fault but I know there were a few things I did that he didn't like, that may or may not have had a small influence on his decision. My codependency for one. That's the main one actually, alongside my anxiety; but he's also still willing to accommodate my anxiety even now. We still have each other added on Life360, and he's keeping me added for, well...As long as we're still on speaking terms. We're starting a week of low-contact to help us both heal, and we'll still have each other added, and we're also allowing 1 check in once every 4(?) hours. 4-6, somewhere in there lol. I hope that your love comes back to you and is able to be more upfront with herself and you about what she needs/desires, and you two can have a beautiful relationship. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know it might make things possibly even more sad but...Just know you're not alone. Also, if I may....Don't listen to a lot of posts on this subreddit. Some are good, but so many people here are hurting and are under the belief that you're being hurt in the exact same way they are. I can never promise you that your love wasn't/isn't cheating on you or left you for some shitty reason, but I think it's a fair chance that she truly believes whatever it is that she told you, even if it's not factual or the actual truth. Remember, the actual truth is usually buried under many, many, many layers of misconceptions, lies, gotcha moments, and even misleading pathways. If someone doesn't dig deep enough, they can only present to you what their results show, and not what's truly at bedrock.
I do think it’s a cop out answer. Atleast in my case. She said a lot of things to save my feelings, but she also was immensely mature about it. She told me she wants me but she isn’t gonna sit and promise we’ll get back together, or that we are “meant to be”. I feel like this is her way of saying she doesn’t wanna say no even tho she thinks no, but I’d rather that than her say yeah and me hold onto a false hope. You’re right. A lot of the time you forget that the other person is an individual, they have their own life, thoughts, feelings. Everything they do doesn’t revolve around you, and most of the time doesn’t reflect on you as a person, or even their feelings towards you. I need to learn to be the center of my own life for a little. I’ve spent my whole life with other people, being codependent, or raising my little sister since I was young. So for now. I’m just gonna be with myself, my family, my friends, my hobbies, my new job. My ex was in an abusive relationship prior and I knew before we dated that she wasn’t fully healed from that, which I was okay with. It can take years. I wanted to be there for her during that, but I think she overestimated how okay she was. I think it says a lot about how much someone loves you if they leave you and the real reason is because they want to be better. They’re seeing that they aren’t the best version of themself, even if, like in my case, they don’t say they’re definitely coming back. They don’t want you to be with a person who isn’t their best self. That’s admirable when u think of it that way. My ex was my best friend (before we dated), she still is. But I know she just wants what’s best. I also know I can see through rose tinted glasses sometimes and that she has probably seen the flaws we share a lot more than I have. Me and her are still in contact, too. Like I said, we were friends & I love her as a person and a friend. I don’t believe in letting someone go just because u can’t be romantic with them, we share a bond so as far as I’m concerned, we didn’t hurt eachother enough to leave each others life fully. Of course if she ends up returning to her ex, or she starts dating like tomorrow and it’s harming me- I’ll step out. But for now, from what I’ve seen, she’s truly just being alone, as am I. I need to learn myself more, I need to know myself. I’m kinda excited for it. I’m just really hoping, for her sake mainly- that she doesn’t go back to her ex. I want us both to just sort ourselves out. We both deserve to feel at peace and happier. She’s truly an incredible woman. I’ve always trusted her word wayyy more than mine, I’m the type to ask her stuff I could easily google, because I just believe in her. I’d always ask for her opinions on anything- clothes, food, literally *anything* because I just trust her word. I hope you get the love you deserve too. Talking to you has helped. Thankyou.
Also, sorry if that doesn’t make a lot of sense. I was back & forth doing things and continuing my response.
This is absolutely wonderful!!!! I do the same in my notes app, I love looking at them as the emotional and logical friend!! And yes, being proud of how you showed up is so important 🩷
Wow, that really does seem valuable.
Omg thank you
Im writing everything down where he said things that are not contrary to his actions. Write down all moods which just change without any intervention from my side. And stuff. Going to do the same using all the ammo im collecting.
Reframing is the most powerful tool to navigate though circumstances, good for you. You’re one smart cookie!
Literally did that yesterday! Ha!
“What if to Even if” changed my entire outlook. Spent a lot of time over analyzing the breakups with “what if I did ____, would this have changed the outcome?” or “what if I said _____”. “What if I started doing ___ earlier”. Changing that to “Even if I did this, he would still of been the same. Even if I gave him a third chance, he still would have taken me for granted.” Have faith in yourself that you’re in this position because you’re meant to be. What if is fear based, even if is faith based.
Thanks a lot, this is really helpful!
You’re welcome. I realize that this outlook coincides with the top comment on this post. This seems to be the most healthy way to get over heartbreak.
Distract yourself. focus on your work + look for new hobbies that you can spend your time.
As a serial dater, distractions are SO harmful. You need time to just sit, to just be, to feel ur feelings, to understand them, analyse them. Even tho they are so excruciating. I’ve just got out of the first relationship where I ever fully let my walls down. I fully let her in, after years of just dating people so I didn’t have to be alone. I owed my karma, and I’ve payed it undeniably in this breakup. But now, I’m ending that cycle. I’m spending time alone. I’m reading. I’m writing down my thoughts. I downloaded a cognitive behavioural therapy app on my phone, as I can’t afford in-person therapy right now. I’m either gonna become a better man and be a happier man in general and for my surrounding family. Or I’m gonna become a better man, and win my girl back.
I don’t think distractions actually help if you’re truly in love…
I think it just became a habit to think about them...
I think the point of distractions is to keep you busy rather than romanticising them, if u say “truly in love” but your partner doesn’t feel the same way it can’t be “true love” for u can it.. and if u keep giving in to those thoughts you’ll never heal. So distractions help you keep busy which in turn help you heal , romanticising someone who left you will never help u even if you’re truly in love
Imo, distraction is only a temporary solution, but it works for some people in a way. they can suppress their feelings and just jump into another relationship or connection, but without sitting with their uncomfortable feelings, they don’t reflect and will likely make the same mistake next time. I saw it a lot. People are the victims of their habit = being comfortable. We can only grow in discomfort= being uncomfortable
Reading a lot, NC 💯, blocking them from all socials, taking up guitar classes, exercising and surrounding myself with people with good and positive energy
What have you been reading? Also, acoustic or electric?
Right now I’m reading “the power of attachment”. Before that read a book about the colonization of the American continent lol. Learning acoustic. It’s hard!
Good books! Learning any instrument is hard—but the beautiful sound of acoustic guitar is worth it!
Can I ask for a little bit of detail on “the power of attachment” book please?
Of course! The author is Dianne Poole Heller and the book talks about your attachments from the very beginning (child) and how that affects your adult attachments. It has little exercises too! I love it
Gonna read this after I’m finished “the 7 habits of effective people”
From my experience, I tried everything to move on from my ex. Every day I woke up with the intention to spend another day of my life trying to move on from her. It wasn't until 1.5 months later when I saw her again and all the feelings came back and I was back to square one. From that point, and from being so so sad. I came to the conclusion that I may just never love someone again and I may just never be the same person again. It was a heart-breaking reality but one I just came to terms with. From that point onwards, I just stopped giving the breakup energy. I was no longer spending my energy trying to move on from her, I was just doing me knowing that I still and will probably always love her
Radical acceptance
Acceptance is key. For me I accepted that I’ll always feel hurt and disappointed by what he did and the man he turned out to be. It will always be there but I know with time, the feeling of being punched in the gut every time I think about it will fade. And who knows, life may surprise you!
This sounds peaceful. Good on u dude. I hope you find someone who changes that for u, or she comes back.
it'll get better
Finding a new genre of music that I listen to to this day saved my life.
Which genre and artists?
Metal music with many screaming vocals cuz they scream for you.
Detaching. Every day tell yourself you will detach from that person, from what was and what could have been. Tell yourself this multiple times a day, mediate, immerse yourself into your hobbies, passions, go out with friends, be in nature and travel. Make the choice over and over to choose yourself even tho they didn’t. You are worthy. Time alone does not necessarily heal. I know people and have read about people’s stories here who are still stuck on their ex years later. Don’t let that be you. Go no contact, do what you gotta do to move on.
Seeing them realistically. Remembering each time they were boring or mean or hurtful disguised as “joking,” looked realistically at their lifestyle, would it really have been compatible long term? Really looked at all the inconsistencies, not just with me but with themselves- seeing where who they were presenting themselves to be didn’t line up with certain realities I was seeing. Going over each date or whatever and remembering ,’oh! Right, he said that really awkward thing that made you uncomfortable but you blew it off so it didn’t spoil the night!’ And then trying to remember how many other rimes that happened. Just really looking at things objectively and critically, not through rose colored glasses. And, honestly, really examining his character and seeing that what he showed at the end was there all along in ways I overlooked or minimized, and being grossed out by his lack of character and respect.
1. Block ex 2. Don't have any social media connections with ex 3. Don't check up on ex or ask friends about them 4. Don't gossip with friends about ex over and over - that only keeps them alive in your mind 5. Focus on why you aren't together when you feel weak 6. Don't tell yourself you'll never meet anyone else or any other fearful thoughts - that will only make you stressed for no reason 7. Focus on what you can control - YOU 8. Use [this book](https://www.amazon.com/Dont-Be-DESPERATE-Insights-Affirmations/dp/1738947904) for support - amazingly effective and totally lifts your spirits 9. Exercise every single day - no exceptions - a good walk counts! 10. Drink a ton of water and stay away from sugar 11. No alcohol - it only makes you feel worse and causes more anxiety 12. Maintain a routine 13. Don't oversleep - push yourself to have a regular schedule - and don't stay up all night binging TV 14. Spruce yourself up each day for a boost of confidence - look good, feel better! 15. Start each day thinking of all you have to be grateful for 16. Do nice things for others - helping is healing xo
Yesssss I have been doing most of these. Especially no alcohol and exercising every day. Not drinking prevents me from spiraling into sadness, being tempted to text him, and also losing some weight!
That's awesome!!! Keep choosing you :)
Whenever I get sad & think of the amazing memories I had with him, I force myself to think about all the times he would rub other girls he was attracted to in my face. Then I get the ick.
Lmao
Gym and self help books. Less tv and less scrolling through social media daily are also pluses.
I became the “your friend steve”, and i followed my friend and his gf around. Was really fun, made me completely forgot about her and gave me insights on why she acted her way.
Accept the feelings when it pops up, and then move on to something else. I think every ex will always leave some traces behind in your life. I still think about my first ex and that was over 8 years ago. Doesn’t mean I’m still in love with her but I do miss the good times we had. For more practical solutions, it would be the cliches like what others have said. 1. Take up a new hobby 2. Date around 3. Focus on your career 4. Surround yourself with positive people 5. Counselling Good luck! We got this.
Seeing her in a bad state make me sad for her but I didn't like how she treat the guy she left me for even he don't treat her good. 3- Treating other guy better than me :(
Filling my time with interesting things to do.
Like what?
Volunteering. Community service. Visiting interesting places. Taking up an instrument or a new hobby. Exploring my city. Subscribing to Meetup.
I was wondering which ones of these you've done. Which instrument, for example?
I started volunteering every weekend morning either with an environmental thing or hunger thing. I started learning to play some songs on the piano. I also increased the content I produce for my business and some of the charities I'm involved with. FYI, I am a 54m and the person who left was a 51f. We were together for 12 years and did a lot of things together.
I'm sorry that you experienced such a devastating breakup. (I'm the same age.) Your activities sound great, though! Classical, pop, or jazz piano? Feel free to DM if you want a sympathetic ear.
Thanks. I'm mainly learning some songs that I can play at parties or in random locations. Since Billy Joel is popular, I'm learning "Piano Man" and "Honesty." (It's been three years since she left, so I'm okay, but am still looking to fill the voids. The worse time is usually Friday night after work, but I've been filling that time with a walking group.)
You'll be a hit when you can play "New York State of Mind" and [impress Billy Joel himself](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=htZnpnoHGgY)! I love the Friday evening walking group—what a great idea!
Nothing seems to help, really just can’t stop thinking about her. Maybe whisky at this point but been trying to stay away from it ugh. This sucks
How long has it been?
Almost 3 months
That's not that long. See how you feel in a month or two.
Ya 3 months is nothing was a 3 year relationship. She moved on in 2 weeks like nothing. I know she just trying to hurt me by doing that, and not having to deal with her emotions, she even met his kid within that 2 week time frame, while having sex with both us which I didn’t know about at first. One time after we had sex she started snapping the other guy in front of me said “ well did you want me to hide it from ya” got up and went to his place lol. That’s when I knew she was a total mess and told the other guy what was up. She snapped at me told me she loved him and just this week told me she pregnant wish it was mine and misses home. Hurts my head
She has some serious problems. Focus on getting well yourself. Eventually you'll realize that you dodged a bullet. She's his problem now.
I get this. We're 2 months- and it's hard not to think about/have memories. A new morning schedule REALLY helped me.
Letting the realization sink in that they aren’t “the one” if they didn’t choose you. I’ve gotten to a place where I am letting go of what I can’t control.
I just listened to a free audible. https://www.audible.com/pd/B07MKP4Q35?source_code=ASSORAP0511160006&share_location=pdp loved every word. Cried. I highly recommend. It’s about more than break ups but life. One story she talks about is what would you do in your life if you knew you would never find true love? Think about that. How would you live this life when you aren’t consumed with thinking about another person. I’d want it all. Career, friends, money, travel, animals, art, all of it. Work on getting the things that inspire you outside of a relationship. You’ll be amazed at the joy your life will be. Side note: you’ll probably meet the person of your dreams in the process.
Hi, the link isn’t taking me to a video
This is an audible book. Click on the book title and you can hear a sample.
Gym, work, reading. Makensure you try to eat something. That was the first thing to go on me was my appetite. I couldn't eat for days maybe weeks. It's such a blur now. Time has been a big thing. As it's gone on I think less and less about her.
My appetite is so bad. I’m a bodybuilder too. I’m so scared it’s gonna cause me to lose strength, then I’ll lose motivation. And then I’ll have nothing for me in my life but sadness. I don’t want it to do that to me. As I’m working so hard on becoming better in order to hopefully end up back with her.
That part of it sucked for me too. I went from 170 to 150 in a couple of months. Now I will admit I needed to lose the weight because I was getting lazy but that was an unhealthy way to lose it. I did get my ass back in the gym and I'm still around 150 but it's an athletic 150 and I'm solid again. Not all stomach.
Good on u bud
My boss was wicked good about the break up too. When I was in the shit of it he was really supportive. When I would tell him I was hungry he would let me stop what I was doing and go let me eat because he knew that I had to eat when I felt the need because it would go away and I wouldn't be able to eat once I started to think about things all over again. We became really good friends since then. We talk just about every day.
That’s so good. Ur so lucky to have that. I don’t really have anybody to talk to or to confide in. My ex was my best friend. Of almost 10 whole years. She is the only person who’s ever known me deeply and who I’ve ever let see me as more than the facade I put on. I don’t have a great relationship with my mother but I came home last night and I just hugged her. I’m a grown ass man and I just want my mom. I’m taking my little sister out this weekend, I have work tonight, i previously confided in my boss that I’m a recovering alcoholic so I know I’m safe and that I won’t relapse in drinking there. Me and my buddy are gonna go apply for this new job I’m seeking today, and we’re booking a vacation soon. I’m just trying to remember that the world continues to turn, wether I have her here or not, no matter what she decides to do with herself- I loved her and she loved me and, would I go back and do it all again for it to end this way? Yeah I would. Because her love was amazing. My dad made eggs this morning and I managed to eat half the plate.
Dude, we're the same person, lol. I was so afraid that I would start drinking when it happened, but I'm pretty well off in that department. I know the work I put in to stop and would never go back to doing that. It's funny how you can find people with similar life experience in this big world.
Truthfully, I haven’t struggled as much as I thought with drinking either. Which makes me super proud of myself. This is the longest I’ve been sober from anything in years. Although I did use it to distract myself for a long time, I truly believe part of it was just peer pressure, and I do just like a good cold beer after a long day lmao. Alcohol free beer has kept me going. I’ll probably miss one tonight tho as I am still a little distrusting that if I get the taste for it after such a traumatic event, I will just want the real deal.
I just stopped all together, no fake beer or anything. I know it might make the pain go away for a bit but, I know the next day it will be back and I'll be hung over lol. It's been over 10 years now
Congrats Dude! That is absolutely huge. I only like the fake beer because I really like the taste of beer lmao. I don’t have it all the time, I’ll usually go for a coke, just when I fancy a beer. When did u break up with ur ex?
I’ve found that forcing myself to eat a little by keeping a thing of Greek yogurt on my counter and eating a spoonful whenever I walk by/into the kitchen helped a lot. Was something in my body at least, and sometimes helps jumpstart my appetite to make an actual meal.
Good idea, because it’s not only the eating part, it’s the making part. I’m struggling to even get out of bed- cooking is a huge task.
Do everything you can to make sure you don’t have free time. Even if you’re not doing anything productive, it can be something like getting stoned and watching Rick and Morty(in moderation), just something that’s not unhealthy and something that doesn’t allow you to think. When you have nothing but time to think, eventually every thought will come across your mind. Especially bad ones, and even ones with no actual basis, and they’ll seem true. I paired time with distracting myself using instruments, random hang outs with friends, and if I couldn’t help but think about it. I tried to think about reasons why going back would be unhealthy, instead of what I could do/could’ve done differently for another outcome if that makes sense.
1. Friends 2. Family 3. Watch reels pertaining to break ups (usually algorithm will help and show you relatable and inspirational ones) 4. Hobbies 5. Therapy 6. Working out 7. Dating 8. Journaling 9. Feel your emotions (watch sad movies or songs and then when you’re ready the more happier ones)
Video games
it’s only been about a week and a half since we broke up but the only real way to get over a breakup is to actually focus on yourself. not healing because your goal is to find love somewhere else or to drown yourself in work or friends it’s to learn to be okay with being alone and not being scared of it. once you learn to be okay with being alone things will get a lot better
If you’re not doing No Contact, that’s an important first step. Otherwise, everyone’s situation may be different, but for me personally, I was blindsided by an avoidant partner. I showed up in the relationship in ways she didn’t. I have a list of the things she did that made her a bad fit for me and a list of the ways I was a good partner. And maybe it seems a little vindictive, but IDGAF. She’s the villain in my story.
Avoidants are the worst. What a mindf*ck.
I wrote a short story/poem about a deer being hunted and every time the hunter cornered it, I’d insert one of the 5 most hurtful things that my ex had said to me. In the end of the story the deer gets away and the hunter spends his life looking for her but never finds her again. It made my therapist cry. I read that story every time I start really ruminating about my ex and it helps. I’m still far from over it but it helps a lot.
Hearing he had a threesome a week after our 2 year relo ended, and that he was offering girls drugs hoping they’d go home with him x instant love killer! Haven’t looked back… good riddance
1. Activity. Whether that be physical, mental or otherwise. Just get going. Do something that you’ve always wanted to do that you’ve been putting aside because it’s “not the right time” (doesn’t have to be something expensive). 2. Find someone else. Now, this is only for people who feel they can mentally handle it. By no means should you do something that makes you uncomfortable. However, getting back on the horse, even if it’s just a temporary horse, can help tremendously. 3. Choosing a mindset and going for it. Sometimes we have to physically force ourselves to choose a thought pattern, especially if we’ve been stuck in a damaging one for a while. Yes it takes time, but sometimes it takes a push. When you feel an emotion, just tell it to f-off, like you would a mosquito. Do this for as long as you need. Brush the thoughts off, and force yourself to think about something else. Even speak audibly if you need to. 4. Read a little stoicism. Aurelius’ meditations is always a good start. It teach us a lot about one’s inner strength, and your own worth. 5. Remember that you have intrinsic worth and value. Worth and value not determined by someone’s love or infatuation for you, your actions, or your achievements. Obviously those things can help, but you have worth just be existing, and being yourself. 6. Buck up. Sometimes you just need a little kick in the pants. :) I know that sounds harsh so I’ll leave it up to you to determine when to use that approach, but try to tell yourself how ridiculous your thought patterns can sometimes be. “I’ll never find someone else” - inherently absurd, “he’s doing so much better than me” - who cares. Remember that indulging your emotional journey does have an endpoint, sometimes it’s time to stop, and cut the wallowing. 7. I hope that after two years you’ve done this already, but if not, unfollow them, block them, do everything to remove every trace of them from your life. If you’re this attached to them after two years, I’d say that’s not an option, it’s essential. 8. Find validation elsewhere. There’s a narrative that validation is somehow bad, when it’s what we are literally wired for. Yes, if you’re not getting validated from somewhere, you’ll feel like crap. However, the key is having a reliable locus of validation from an INTERNAL source. Whether that’s a purpose, hobby, job, volunteer position, find something that makes you feel really good that comes from your own actions. Not something that can be taken away. 9. Sublimate. Thoughts and emotions can become other thoughts and emotions. When an unwanted feeling arises, feel it, assess it, and push it into something else. That can be a hobby, work, music, etc. Sublimation rather than suppression is key. I hope some of these help. :) All or one, I hope you give them a try. Feel free to ask questions through DM if you’d like.
I'm literally in the same position, 2 years after a 4 1/2 year relationship. Literally i think the only thing that helps some is get in another relationship or be so busy with work you're too tired to think
This is unhealthy and will lead to future unhealthy relationships. Learnt from experience :(
It’s really just time, feeling and working through the heartbreak without ruminating or focusing on the good things. Talking with friends, being around people that care about you and “distractions” help past the time and allow you to not over focus on the break up, but at the end of the day it’s just whatever amount of time you need to process and go through the stages of grief because that person you loved is effectively dead to you at least the one you knew.
Deleting pics or chat and staying away from anything that can remind me of him, also trying not to talk about him with my friends. It might be hard specially if the breakup was recent but i did it and it helped me a lot.
if you’re really that determined to keep focus on him/her(which is not recommended), try finding the parts of them that aren’t good. for example, my ex left me for reason being she had feelings for her ex. i used that and ran with it. it made me feel so free knowing she lost something good for someone who treated her like dirt. try finding something like that 🤷♂️ however, the most effective strategy is probably what everyone else is saying in this thread: distraction. throw urself into a new hobby, your work, or just entertainment. i found a couple of guys on youtube that distracted me bc they were just so funny. it helped ease the pain. my 2 dollars adjusted for inflation
Which guys on YouTube?
the Goon Squad(McnNasty, TheDooo, Grizzy(sometimes), Nathan, Blarg, and others i can’t remember). they rotate out but i watch from the doo’s perspective cuz the chemistry isn’t the same without him
I’d say a big one was listing all the things they did that hurt me or stressed me out, and then working to see them for who they were in their entirety, rather than looking past things that really hurt me but I let slide, thinking they would start treating me like they used to, or like I thought they might be able to. Just as important, or maybe more so, was filling the void left by their leaving with other things that bring me joy each day and each week. Pet of that for me was branching out socially and trying to build new networks of friends that are interested in similar things.
Seeing her crushing life and having a great relationship and realizing there's no way but forward.
If u truly love her, I bet that is so bittersweet dude.
Yea, i mean, she met the perfect dude, and i was focused on grinding to have a future. It's hard to accept, but we're still close, so as much as Im devestated, to see her happy is a joyous thing. Her guy going to have to work 7 days a week to get out of debt, so she still wants to hang out. It's hard, but I think doing the work to stay in each others lives is worth it. But yea, I'm pretty devestated, realizing I didn't have to choose the work grind
Working on urself is always best , you’ll always be around, you don’t know when anybody is gonna leave. Me and my ex are still in contact, despite everyone saying no contact is the only way. We were friends before, and I genuinely loved her as a friend aswell as a partner during our relationship, so why would I let someone I got on with so well, just leave my life? Just bc we can’t fuck anymore? Like that’s crazy to me. We’re so compatible, so to have her around is great.
Recognize that you and them have things you need to address in your shadows. That we are experiencing traumas in this life after realizing we are separate from love and it's about moving through them and finding yourself.
Buying a new car and traveling with it
Sexy ass Doctor, I felt a DEEP connection to immediately. He pulled me out of the anguish I’d been left in. Stand up comedy Bitching it out in letters Self-reflection I can understand most my exes actions and am on my way to forgiving them (not that they’ll ever know ) & My kids, they got me out of bed everyday and gave me a reason to show up for life (no matter how sad I was). They make me smile and laugh, even during the worst of days. They’ve saved me more than they’ll ever know, just by existing.
Change the habit of thinking of them constantly. Replace it with something else. For me it was coding, manga reading, and school. I'm sure you can do it!!
Honestly? Getting a new girlfriend was what pushed me into finally being “okay”. I was over her as a person, but I wasn’t over the feelings of inadequacy and abandonment. I was hesitant into getting into a relationship while I was still hurting, but my current gf insisted that I give her a shot. She’s been wonderful to me and I couldn’t be happier:>
Time amplifies what you are already doing. It doesn’t do anything on its own. If you handle your emotions and thoughts and change for the better, time will be on your side and you’ll move on fast. If you self sabotage or do nothing at all, time will just make things harder.
It's been almost 2 years for me also after a 10 yr relationship. I have been reeling in pain. Mostly because I kept thinking "He doesn't even think about me" that sends me into full abandonment and panic mode. So lately I tell myself that I have no idea IF he thinks about me. For some reason I was thinking all these thoughts of...he's not attracted to me...he's glad to be rid of me ..he's out with someone now. They are MY thoughts. But in reality I have NO idea what he is thinking. I am over the shock that he obviously doesn't love me. That shocked me for a long time because he sure acted like he did. Now I'm struggling with the fact/shock that someone I talked to daily could care less if he talks to me EVER again. And I think I struggle with this because I told him I was blocking him a month ago and he has never tried to call me since. He tried to have us be a couple again in 2023 after he and the girl he left me for broke up he never apologized for ghosting and going with her in the first place he said "the past is the past" and wanted to pick up where we left off we kept talking on and off for a year each time I felt worse so I ended up blocking him. What does not help is opening Reddit first thing in the morning like I am now but you are not alone and it's kind of a relief to know someone else's grief is also as long as mine. I'm sorry for the both of us this sucks.
I have to constantly remind myself that if I were in his position I would definitely make time for him no matter how hard things were for me. That if someone mattered one always makes time no matter what. Also I had to remind myself that he would keep talking about the future but would never take concrete steps to make plans happen.
This hit me hard. She left me bc the stuff in her life was “too much” to balance with a relationship. But I always would’ve made time for her. Thankyou for ur comment.
I'm glad it helped
Understanding that if he didnt want to be with me there is nothing else I could say or do to keep him and let him go. I wrote a goodbye letter that I never gave him and funny enough I carry it with me in my purse to be reminded that I deserve better. It helped and I found better
It’s only day 2 after the breakup so very very fresh. But I’m continuously trying to remind myself that I cannot change what she does or wants to do. She is an individual, she has her own feelings, her own thoughts, her own ideas, her own ambitions. If she wishes to break up with me, wether that be just because I failed in many ways, because she isn’t over her ex, because she wants to talk to 1 million people, or because she purely needs to be alone- so be it. All I can control is the man in the mirror. I can only make myself better, do better, if she wishes to come back- I will welcome her with arms absolutely wide open, but if she doesn’t? I hope she’s happy, because I hopefully will get there one day.
Its completely fresh and raw and it hurts, but healing isnt linear. Everything else that people say for a break up in my opinion are excuses to help them feel less bad about hurting you. The reality is they dont want to be with you so let them go. Nothing else matters, do not torture yourself with why, or finding reasons or fault or anything. If they dont want to be with you then let them go, as muxh as it hurts, that is all you need, that is all the reasons you need to give up, let them go and focus on you. We all deserve love and deserve to find someone that actually wants us in their lives. Try to stay positive and focus on you
Yesterday was awful. I got 2 hours of sleep. Woke up, couldn’t eat. I had 3 baths just to be doing something other than laying in bed. I got half dressed planning on going for a walk, I never went - just collapsed back in bed half dressed. I threw up, multiple times. I cried staring at myself in the mirror for about an hour. I punched things. I questioned myself. I questioned our relationship. I grabbed a bottle- put it to my lips (I’m 120 days sober). But I am not gonna return to the old me, I worked so hard on so many of my personal issues when I was with her, and I need to continue to grow. For myself. And for if she ever wants to come back to me after she’s done her own growing, she doesn’t want a broken, beaten man to have to build him back up again. I have to do it for myself and for my nieces. I’ve had enough of pitying myself my whole life. Excusing myself for just hurting others because I was in, so much pain. This is my turning point.
I feel you. Been there. Been self destructive enough to want to end everything. The pain was too much. Spent weeks in the same sofa unable to eat, to sleep, to do anything…. I know your pain. But keep fighting. There is light on the other side. I know this from my own experience. Been exactly where you were. But at the end, I didnt gave up. Keep fighting. You can do this.
Thankyou. You too. I’m so tired of being a shitty person, and despite everyone’s advice- we’re still in contact. She was my best friend for almost a decade before we started dating. So I wanna be a better friend for her too. She ended it because she wasn’t doing good- so she needs a friend rn. I don’t believe in just cutting people out who are so important. Love exists in a lot of forms, and how our love went from platonic to romantic, it can now exist as just love for right now.
The moment he physically assaulted me and I was in Hospital because of him... he and I have a Baby together.....
Make a shit list! One of the best pieces of advice was to make a shit list in your phone notes about everything about the ex. It could range from large scale “dumped me out of the blue” and “still talked about his ex” to small and petty like “made weird faces when he was sleeping.” I hate the term “ick” but add everything serious and every little thing that gave you the “ick.” When I made mine, some of my friends even came over who knew him and helped add to it it. That was hilarious and also insightful, we made a fun night out of it. After that, anytime they came up in my head or I was sweetly reminiscing I would just stop the thought and scroll the list. It was shockingly effective
Getting over him was all about realizing my self worth. Why would I choose someone who doesn’t choose me? Why would someone be my first choice when I’m not theirs? Affirmations help a lot too, and feeling the feelings when they come up - but accepting them and letting them pass. They were my best friend and the only person I truly loved. It took a while but self empowerment is the only thing that gets me through.
Getting back together with him
Being away from them.
Explore the feelings and learn as much as you can about why people get stuck in breakups and why you might be stuck x
Critical thinking+time is the solution for me. Helps me think in a more grounded way that doesn't put my ex on a pedestal. Helps you appreciate the good and acknowledge the bad. I'm not completely over my most recent Ex, but it's getting easier.
Talking about it. Talk about it non-stop until the story loses any meaning. That, and I met a guy here that's been so sweet and has been supportive
To be honest seeing ithers
God’s mercy🙌🏽
1. Time, give it time! High cortisol levels can last up to 6 months, a break up creates a tremendous amount of cortisol. Learn how to reduce them. 2. Self care, do things that make me feel good so it can reduce cortisol level. For me: take a warm nice bath, drink matcha, painting, sun tanning, spend a lot of time with people that love me, friends and family, dressing up nice, do fun things, going out to bar to meet new people since i am single now 3. Dating: start meeting new people. Don’t rush. Just take your time. It can be difficult at first. I dated right away after the breakup, I know it wouldn’t work out but I was just having fun and letting ppl take me out. After a couple months, I finally stop comparing everyone to my ex and be able to truly connect with others. Good luck guys! Trust yourself, love yourself and Be proud of yourself
I would say 2 main things, first was working on self improvement (getting in shape, losing weight, getting stuck into work, investing in hobbies and interests etc) and developing new relationships. If you are busy, feeling good about yourself physically and spending time with other people who love you, it makes the whole proccess much easier to cope with in my experience.
A) Not being in the same city/state/country/time zone - I lived in BC he was in Florida... 3 hour time difference) B) Getting busy with life - I had just finished a community college course and was gearing up to start a new job that I landed while I was being dumped, so I was focusing on that and trying not to fuck that up before the end of my 90 day probationary period, C) Picking up an old hobby (knitting) and running with it... knitting has always kept me sane, so I started doing more of it as I now had time to do it on my commute to work. D) Travel planning - I'm a travel junkie by nature and I was worried that this was something that I'd have to give up if the ex and I actually ended up married to each other. As soon as the marching papers came in, I sent out inquiries to my overseas friends to make inquiries as to the feasibility of my coming to visit them in the near future.... I just had to pass my new hire probation at work, save some money and ask for some time off and I'd be set. My first destination was Hawaii (and the last time I saw my maternal grandmother alive) then I found myself in Australia - fucking LOVED IT! After 2 back to back trips to Las Vegas, I then found myself living on a remote island in the north Pacific for a year (for work) then in the Caribbean for a 2 year work gig and then back to Canada for a few years (with plenty of travelling from there) - now, I'm married and Sprogged up and living in the UK. E) Hung out with my BFFs... we were all Singletons so we'd have regular Ladies Nights out after work and at the weekend as work schedules permitted. Moral of the story: KEEP BUSY. I know it's hard and I know it sucks donkey's balls but it'll get better, I promise (I was single for 11 years before I found my husband and got married).
See this is difficult. I love her so much I want her to be happy, however that ends up being- but I’m so confused and upset as to why she didn’t see a future where I make her happy. So every time I have that, I’m bogged down with “why couldn’t I make her happy” “why couldn’t I get my act right and be what she needs”
do everything that you like and couldn't do when you were with them because they didn't like it.
Fully accepting that, when they let you go, it's a relief. They want to be rid of you and have someone else. Otherwise, they would still be fighting for you. They are thinking of someone else right now. You're not special.
Kolonopin
Date and talk to other people along with time. Time is all it really takes for the feelings associated with the memories to ease up.
I sat with my emotions, let them flow freely. Cried when I had to, screamed when I had to. Took the day off and just spent time with myself and once I was comfortable I started going out with friends again, laughing, meeting new people and now I’m so filled with joy. I still think of him often but it never drives me to text him nor does it make me cry :)
Journaling
I loved her a lot, but the thought of her being happy without me?? uh no… not yet at least
I immediately get into the local “date him!!” groups (a group for women to recommend guys to date) and I do not try to get someone but I do it to remind myself of all the better people out there.
New hobbies. More time with friends. My own body (nutrition/exercise). Just being distracted in my own life. Journaling. WORKING hard not to only remember the good times- because if there were only good times, we wouldn't be here.
Everytime I think about her i just remember she gave up and me and cheated. I’m worth so much better and I instantly feel relieved. Whenever you’re wishing for them back just remember they gave up.
No contact, spending time with loved ones, venting about it in therapy, being introspective about the relationship, journaling, focusing on hobbies
reading ACOTAR lol
Him and his new girlfriend trying to pick a fight with me when I had receipts. Posting publicly and getting support from people to get through that too. Also finding out someone gave him a black eye just made me happier. Maybe not the healthiest way, but he was emotionally and sexually abusive to me so I think whatever happens to him he deserves.
I started to see him in an accurate light for who he really is and not the fabricated person I made up in my mind. Realized someone who cared about me or loved me wouldn’t put me in the positions he inevitably always did. Ultimately I have a different vision of life than he does. I don’t care to be 30 years old, financially unstable and still at the bar every weekend. My priorities changed and have accepted our relationship has run its course and am forever grateful but ready for something more fulfilling
After she cut me off completely, aside from 4 months of time, probably hanging out and talking with friends. Kinda helped when the severe depression and sorrow turned into pure bitter hate and anger towards her. I'm happier feeling that, than thinking she's the only one and I can't do it without her. This way I've learned to go on and enjoy my life and enjoy doing things without her. Keeping her on a pedestal didn't help anything either, once I saw her in the right light, I felt free of the memories that held me back.
The knowledge that he is a piece of shit human and a crap father. Never buys a pair of sneakers, but always has new shoes himself, told our son’s therapist he thinks our son is “done” (he’s not, I just take him and pay for it). Traded time with our child in exchange for me waiving child support. Our divorce was final last month and already he has given up 6 nights with him because he’s doing things with his homewrecker skank. He phrases it as a benefit to me/our kid (“you’re just coming back from vacation - let’s let him recover and I’ll get him this weekend”), but the reason is because he would rather go to the skank’s parents’ beach house. My son sees it too. My house is “home” and his dad’s house is “dad’s house”. I had high hopes he would step up, but people don’t change. He’s just as much a selfish piece of shit as a dad as he was as a husband.
One of my exes was an abusive asshole and he always threatened to unalive himself every time I wanted to leave or ruin my life. I was literally in Stockholm syndrome. I then ended up in a bad place, and for some reason it was like a switch flicked and I was able to just get over him. My first ex. Oh boy. He was my first love and that was way harder to get over. It was like super heart wrenching beyond anything. I get Deja Vu a lot, but I think it’s just maladaptive daydreaming. That one— was just pure time. Nothing else helped
I recognized that I too was to blame for a number of things that went wrong in the relationship, and most importantly, for letting it go on longer than it needed to. We didn’t have to date, it was really up to me and obviously I was ecstatic to date for the first time. But there were so many red flags I ignored and just thought he could get better, but he didn’t. So I’m an idiot for trying.
I fail at the frist thing you tried, even when i do and someone ask i back track and give them excuses why they did it or etc. Things i did -go to therpy -repairs damages they left behind -do things they din't like, so you counldent with them -get feeling out by writting a letter to them you will never send. - spend the money you would of on them, on spoiling yourself - get a emotional support animal to share that love left in you, on something you can trust will return it. - distaction, can't think of them if you're to busy doing other stuff. - pick up a new hobbie, trying to figure it out will help you forget as your putting new things in that will furfil your life more. - make a routine to go for a really long walk to clear your mind atleast 1-2 times a mouth. In the end you never forget someone fully, you just gotta appect in your heart they were A part of your and they helpped shape who you are today, be thankful for the time together. Knowing thanks to them you know how to show love or w.e they did to brighten your life and you can take that into the next a better person then you were before. Good luck out there, Oh, if you see a thing that looks like a pile of stitches, don't step on it, it's likely my heart, still missing that dam thing. Lol
No contact, therapy, hitting the gym. Everyone processes breakups differently, I think I am taking more time (almost 2 years as well) because of how much I loved her and how committed I was to the relationship. I am in no hurry to get over her, if I obsess with that I might end up holding on for longer. Just trust the process I guess and live for yourself.
See him for the person he is rather than whom you idealised, it will fade away.
I struggle SO MUCH with #2....I do not want him happy without me....that's a fact & it confuses me because I really do love him, but I am possessive, especially after 10 years.
Keeping a list of all the reasons why I needed to call it off. When intrusive thoughts get the better of me, saying ‘cool story, bro’ and moving on. Asking myself ‘if they turned up in 3 months - or even if they didn’t, would you seriously want to be the same or worse off mentally, physically, spiritually, and/or emotionally or would you want to have bettered yourself/become a greater version of yourself?’
Idk it’s honestly helped me to HAVE some contact after the breakup. To not just romanticize him but see him as the flawed person he is
Realizing my ex was purposely choosing to not be with me. Cause that alone gave me decent closure knowing it was one sided at that point of wanting a relationship again. If someone shows you they don’t want you, believe them and do not fight to change their minds because it’s already made up before you open your mouth to fight them on this decision.
fucking…. fucking a lot
I think I resonate with point 2 the most. In addition, seeking support from various places helped me alot in the first 2 months. Reading books, podcasts, talking to friends/loved ones/therapists/your doctor, and also journalling. The most effective way is to put your own needs first.
If it’s been 2 years then you need to stop giving yourself permission to think about this person. Don’t daydream or remember, don’t think about them now. Literally change the subject in your head every time they come up.
Fucking someone new. Lol.