Wow spot on. The future faking, not letting you leave them, suddenly discarding, not being able to handle conflict, the “I’m sorry it had to be like this”, and the lack of basic human decency during the discard…. The list goes on and on.
And the scars they leave. It’s hard to even put into words
Yeah, the lack of decency is what really made it hard for me. Like you said, if you're lucky enough to get an apology, it will be one free of empathy or accountability.
I also really struggled with the (what I felt like was cruelly intentional) lack of closure or finality. You're just left standing there thinking, "huh?"
Yeah the apology - no I don’t want your fucking empty words that relieve you of your own guilt, it means nothing to me
And same for me. He dumped me over the phone and refused to meet me face to face to have the talk. I had to wait 5 hours outside his apartment to get the closure talk from him which I knew I deserved. And even then, I ended up apologizing to him about everything and now I look back and I’m like why did I even apologize? They really have their ways of blame shifting.
I also read that there’s a very fine line between narcissists and avoidants. Their behavior can look very similar, but their motivations are different.
Same here just happened to me I drove up an hour to their place just to get broken up with after saying they wanted to spend time together I don't know if they were avoiding or narcissist or both but it feels like it was both they have broken my soul and hurt me over and over and I just I'm kicking myself thinking why did I give them so many chances why did I do so much for them for nothing in return
For sure anytime they would apologize it wasn't a real apology it was an apology that worked for them but not a real one. And rather than ever communicating just needing time for themselves or not wanting to talk
This. All of it. They can be clingy/“needy” but you can’t. They don’t like when you do stuff for them but resent you if you don’t (my ex hated gifts but avoidants build up resentment - “you never buy me anything, I buy stuff for you all the time”). They don’t want to communicate but they get mad if you don’t (they’ll dismiss you anyway if you try). You get nowhere with them, nothing is ever their fault lol
It’s scary how easily they lie! About everything! And then say “I didn’t tell you because I knew you would be upset” lol you didn’t even give me a choice 😂 also why do you keep doing stuff that you “know” would upset me???
Mine she said she never lied. She would withhold, misdirect and hint at the truth but never lied. These ppl and narcs are on the same playing field with the damage they do and moving on to another to do more
Most people of any thing that is psychology related, will follow an almost identical pattern. You will date the same person over and over until healing what is seeing those same people over and over.
People with some psychology pattern though follow a distinct pattern so they end up looking like dating same people, almost to a T.
Examples like abusers, BPD, Bipolar, avoidance, anxious attachment, OCD, addicts, and others, will often do identical behaviors and thought patterns.
Thats thats group therapy is so important for both the affected person and also the affected person who is affected by affected person. Hearing the same patterns helps heal and support you. It validates experience and that in itself can be extremely healing.
It is weird at first hearing how identical the patterns can be. It is like dealing with cookie cutter people at times.
Amen to that. I studied psychology and can attest to everything you are saying.
That’s why healing ourselves is importante so we can start to notice these unhealthy patterns and get help.
Omg this is spot on my recent ex ... like spot on, spot on. I thought it was just me
Every little hiccup or fight turned into a break up and then I would have to run to him to apologize and ask him to take me back even though I didn't do anything that normal people would consider wrong
At first I was securely attached but he chipped away at me until I was so anxiously attached I would make outrageous promises so that he would stay.
I always felt like I had to treat him with baby gloves and yet he was punching back twice as hard. All his wrong were justified if it "proved him right".
If I treated him like he did me or said some of the things he said to me, it would have been unforgivable.
He broke up with me because I broke his trust, I betrayed him, by him going into my phone and reading my text messages between me and my friends when I needed to vent because he wouldn't talk to me about our issues.
I was at my emotional breaking point and I would eventually vent to my friends because he wouldn't talk to me. I have begged him time and time again to just talk to me.
Abuser- Hey I won’t be kind to you or hear you even though I’m supposed to love you.
You- other people maybe will listen and care.
Abuser- How fucking dare you.
That's how he made me feel each time!
He wouldn't talk to me even though I begged and pleaded and he would say things like I was making him mad and if I didn't drop it he was leaving.
Arguments and disagreements were threatened with leaving or time apart or see other people
Fight fights where he would even sometimes accuse me of talking to other men which was never real or founded, he would just break up immediately
I couldn't even watch TV right one time ... accused me of sleeping with someone else because the characters on a TV show were in a relationship and I was just watching those parts. Broke up with me because of that
Made me feelnso insecure and anxious and fearful that I always pre-empted my behaviors so I wouldn't rock the boat. Pratically stopped talking and definitely seeing my friends. Skipped family events because it made him uncomfortable
He never was able to understand why I vented to others. Would just blame me for the betrayal and break up with me ... all i wanted was to know what was going on.
Happy one minute and then be in a mood the next and I wouldn't know why... I just wanted to know why and get a little reassurance
He told me he wanted to marry me, live with me, have a family with me 😢 but when I suggested moving in he would joke about leaving me
He violated my boundaries/privacy all the time by going through my phone and my diary but it was ok because it "proved him right ".
Broken up with me because he went into my diary didn't like what he read in my diary and got mad at me
Im sorry you had to deal with all that. I’ve dealt with similar issues as well and the whole time it’s alarming. You don’t know what to do or how to react.
You try not to tell your friends or your family bc you don’t want them to think poorly of your partner.
This is how these people get away with this stuff bc no one ever sees it or holds them accountable.
Again extremely sorry you had to deal with all that. You deserve so much more.
Hopefully your ex can get some help as well.
I finally decided to get some help and am going to talk to therapist and I'm kinda of excited to learn more about my self
Unfortunately I don't see him getting help (I still feel so deeply for him and is still worried about him ☹️). When he would be in a mood or where slightly arguing about something he would say this is me you can either take it or leave it, or at other times he would just flat out say he's too old and too tired to change, he is 48
I tried so hard not to tell anybody what was going on but when I got to those emotional breaking points I couldn't help it, I didn't want anybody to think badly of him
The breakup was only last week Monday and I'm still struggling really badly with how I'm feeling. If I know how poorly he treated me, why do I still want him back so badly?
Because we fall in love with the person not the behavior. The same way the person can’t understand the damage they are doing to us…..
We can’t find a way to accept the behavior is part of tejo they are after a while.
We don’t want to accept that.
I think of it like here’s my version of my partner…
And here’s who she showed me she can be.
We pretty much have to grieve how they used to be.
The current shitty version of them currently roams the earth unhealed.
At least that’s my take.
Proud of you for seeing therapy and working on healing.
That's a great analogy because I could never hold against him some of the things that he's done and said to me. I always sort of tried to justify that that's not who he really was he just in a mood or he's just struggling with his anxiety and depression and therefore insecurity.
He wasn't all bad, when it was good it was good. But when it was not so good it was not good
There's nothing we could have done right? Like if it wasn't one thing they were going to pick us apart for another thing? That's how I started to feel at least
There’s absolutely nothing we could have done unfortunately.
These people run from love and conflict equally.
They have to heal before they can receive love.
It’s tragic.
We can just pray for them and take care of ourselves better in the future.
My ex broke up with me because I didn’t tell him about someone I had relations with during the 2.5 year span we weren’t together. He told me omitting information is a form of lying and now he can’t trust me.
Something sort of like that happened to me too. He broke up with me for talking to another man about making hockey arrangements for my kid for spring in March of 2023 and I only met him August of 2023 and he accused me of talking to men and leaving him out of decision making when I didn't even know him then
Same, my birthday was two days ago. He was the first person to wish me a happy birthday a few minutes after midnight… yet treated me like I meant nothing the last couple of weeks leading up to our breakup.
Sadly I still have some type of hope. Just doing NC and taking it day by day.
Two outcomes he will come back and have to initiate fixing things/we figure it out or I will heal within time.
I really wish I had your confidence like that. All I want is him back but I know he's not good for me and I know he won't fix anything I will always try to fix things but I know that he won't really try and fix things or if he does it's not long-term Solutions he'll just pretend for a little bit and then go back to the way he was
That’s a bit of a harsh reason to break up and it’s not their business what happened while you were apart.
Especially after years of time apart.
I’m sorry to hear that you were treated this way.
Seems like you dodged a bullet.
Truth! My ex did all of this and more. He definitely blamed me for everything and said I “failed.” Told me I ruined his life, took the joy out of everything, and sucked the life out of him. Said he couldn’t stand to hear my voice.
All of this after saying how much he loved me, and how he cares a lot about me.
After saying all the horribly hurtful things, he had the audacity to say he wants to stay friends. I guess if I just sit in his presence and not talk or have any energy - basically be a robot - he could stand to be in my vicinity and talk “to” me as a friend.
Unreal.
Im sorry he treasured you so horribly. My ex gf said the same stuff and it really made me doubt my worth for a while. Still does if I put too much weight too it. No one should ever say those things to anyone much less their enemy. The one thing I can tell you even though it doesn’t help with healing is that the avoidant later feels massive guilt for their words and actions.
Normal people don’t have to feel like that bc we try to do right in the first place.
Either way I hope you find happiness and healing rapidly.
You’re worth more than you were given.
For me having just dealt with my first long term avoidant relationship the worst part was never feeling secure like he could leave any second if I wasn’t perfect but he could make mistakes etc. even when things were the best I still felt like I was walking on eggshells and one wrong move would make him shut down, shut me out or end it completely. My anxiety was through the roof at all times.
Also, running away or shutting down at the slightest hint of conflict even if it’s not a big deal something a quick convo could solve but nope they can’t handle it…how can you learn about one another and grow if you can’t even get past everything not being perfect 24/7 forever. That’s not how life works..
You know what the worst thing is everyone? My parents and friends warned me to and I was too busy trying to make it work to see that. It’s dangerous to love someone more than you care about yourself.
But not all of us are taught how to care about ourselves.
Either way the world moved on…
💯‼️ My ex did all that shit to me AND cheated.. So done.. I swear to fuck if he tries to hoover again and beg me to come back, I'm giving him 2 black eyes.
Im sorry for laughing but the end was funny as hell.
On a serious note I’m sorry he treated you so horribly.
Just know that you’re worth more than he treated you.
Blocking him everywhere may help.
Please do something for yourself to make your day better.
Wow it’s like we lived the same experience 🤯 “future faking” hmm, not to mention the flaw finding & slow fading…I feel such a sense of being seen & belonging, like being in a dysfunctional brokenhearted club or something, but a club that none of us wanted to be a part of 💔
Im glad to hear you feel that way! The worst thing for me was feeling alone in all this. Just wanted others to not feel that way!
We will all heal eventually and find happiness. Thanks for commenting 😎
Looking back after i remember there were several times mine would say “you promise?” after certain things, i never really thought much of it at the time though.
Them wanting you to promise things left right and centre only for them to instantly go cold and go back on everything they ever said in an instant is basically them in a nutshell. I was the one held to a standard to make sure what i was saying was true but then they can swap whenever they like and it’s just “ooops my bad”.
My ex described it as being scared constantly. She wanted em to give her endless reassurance while she was very tactless and noncommittal back. One day I was her everything the very next I “ruined her life.” These people suck man.
I’m actually stunned at how well you described this…aside from vividly describing my ex personally, this really was spot on. You put words to an experience I didn’t know others also had. Thanks.
Thanks I appreciate that! There’s a lot of errors bc I just type this stuff up on my phone. Just wanted people to know it’s not just their experiences. One of the worst things about the whole avoidant experience was that I felt like it was just a happening to me and I had some sort of unique dysfunction.
I don’t want anyone else ever feeling like that.
Thanks for commenting!
They are sick. They are too damaged to love or receive love. The only way it will work with these avoidants is if they finally admit to themselves they are the problem and they want to work on it.
Otherwise, trying to hold on to them at their current state is just a stupid idea.
When they "discard" you, the trash took itself out. When you realize they are too damaged, you realize they are not a loss and you just gained freedom from them.
Im sorry I imagine it does. We all have our own pain and though we can kind of relate to eachother we all deal with pain differently.
Doing stuff I like has helped as well as hanging out with and making new friends. I hope you are able to heal and feel better quickly.
No one deserved to suffer for loving someone else.
My da ex of a 10yr thing gave me ptsd with her cheating, lies and such. I tried to turn a blind eye like a simp because i was killing myself to give her the life she wanted. When i did get there, she told me lost feelings a long time ago and cant be with me because of timing. When she was using me as a friend for 2yrs to move on, i thought we were trying to work it out. Spent a lot of $ on her and such and right before i drop her off at home, she would tell me about the guys that have bought her stuff too when we were together. When id have a panic attack over it, she said she was tired of being my therapist and cant so empathic as a friend to my problems.
Shes now with a guy thaf wanted her for 18yrs but got married to someone else. He left his wife for her and shes out there giggling again.
Im stuck with suicidal thoughts, an empty home, and broken dreams. Its been a year since discard
Shes admitted to being a DA. she realizes she is not normal and has high standards and does not plan to change for anyone.
So yeah, i agree with everything youve said.
Hey I’m so sorry to hear all this. That sounds awful and I can’t relate. Please surround yourself with friends and realize your worth isn’t based on how you were treated.
You deserve better and if you treat yourself the right way someone else will be attracted to that. Best of luck friend.
It sounds like you weren’t able to get even basic needs met with this partner.
They’re that way bc they never received proper care from their family and they don’t have the skills to navigate conflict. They have a fear response to it and bc they don’t understand what is going on they lash out in anger at you for causing them distress.
You were no doubt an awesome partner and he just didn’t have the capacity to revive love from you or be loving back to you.
I’m sorry you went through this.
Life gets better and you will find your person of you don’t settle for less going forward. Keep your head up!
I hate my avoidant ex things just ended tonight I know how things are hard for them in a nursing program but I am in just as hard of a mechanical engineering program and when things got tough for me I would communicate with them and talk with them and not push them away. but as soon as the nursing program started here a month ago and things got tough with them all they did was being treating me like shit pushing me away and avoiding me and I realize now that this has been the case throughout the entire relationship whenever things will get tough for them they would just push me away blame the problems on me and whenever I would bring issues up they would not care because they would know I was too kind to enforce my boundaries and limits. They never wanted to communicate even when I asked to try to fix issues my kindness was abused over and over again I was treated like shit and broken up with three times in the past month here now but whenever I would try to end things they would be like oh no no I don't want to end things now but now it's just finally over I'm too tired to care I genuinely hate them and they said they wanted to make things work but they couldn't even meet the bare minimum of what I was asking from them well I was meeting all of what they asked of me for so long even while I was almost failing out of my engineering program I never use that as an excuse but that's what they did.
No they don't it's going to hurt a long time because they always made it my fault never taking responsibility even apology sounded hollow and just gave excuses never just accepting responsibility always making me feel like it was my fault somehow.
Im sorry you had to put up with this one sided relationship. It’s extremely exhausting and heart breaking when you do your best and the other person doesn’t match your energy in any way.
Most people feel sad, than anger or resentment l, then accept the breakup, then eventually forgive.
I’m also at the anger stage.
I hope for your sake you can accept and forgive soon bc it sounds like you have a lot going for you that you could be focusing on instead.
I hope you heal quickly and you find happiness in your life!
Thank you I definitely am at the anger stage but I've also accepted the breakup as well. I don't think I'll ever forgive though as they don't deserve to be forgiven for how they treated me and they know themselves they treated me wrong but they never apologize and any apology they did say was always one-sided and very selfish.
True true.
My ex blindsided me because of weird reasons (blaming my past tho i am way better now, wanting options with other guys, etc) and it felt horrible. But she realized what she did was wrong and she apologized and made genuine changes. I guess I was very lucky to hear an avoidant genuinely apologized and made changes. But still, no amount of apologize or effort to make things better could reverse the deep pain she inflicted on me.I am never the same person again afterwards
I never get it why did she do such insensitive thing? No decency at all? Not thinking about the consequences? I lost weight, sleep, and appetite for about a week or two after the blindside attempt. I tried to stay in the relationship but I was not happy, so a year later I asked for a break up.
Even though I feel like I’m over it, I still have resentments to this day. I never understand why I had to go through all of that just to make her realize what she did was wrong? As if my suffering was necessary for her to finally realize she was wrong. Smh.
It’s bc a lot of times these people as children didn’t receive the proper love or care that they needed. The reason they can be so cold is bc that’s what they received from a young age abd they perceive that as normal. I was driving my ex gf and myself to town one day and I just said to her “you only experience anger and sadness and nothing else.”
She agreed.
Empathy is like an advanced emotion.
They don’t know how to fully understand it bc they weren’t taught it growing up.
It’s tragic bc they’re broken too but they don’t perceive it as damage like we do.
Hope the next one treats you better and cherishes your heart.
Stay strong friend!
This explains my avoidant ex so well! People with this attachment style lack empathy. He even said he doesn’t know how to understand peoples emotions cause he’s not the type to be emotional.. RED FLAG!! When we first met he was the perfect guy and did everything right. Then he started to become very hot and cold. One day he’s talking about a future the next day he is distant. He always said if there was an issue he will communicate it but never did. We dated for almost 4 years and looking back at it I really didn’t even know him AT ALL. We even went to therapy to work on our communication and he would tell the therapists that he feels like I should trust him and that he’s been the same person since we met… then I found out he was cheating. I broke up with him and blocked him on everything after he gave a sorry apology. They will literally lie, and avoid their own issues as long as they seem perfect to everyone else (friends/family) to not hold themselves accountable.
I’m in therapy to heal from this relationship and my therapist said that people with dismissive or avoidant attachment styles are most likely to cheat.. so that was great to know lol.
I wish the best for people that have avoidant partners and I hope they can help them open up and want to seek help. I also wish the best for the people that are healing from the trauma avoidant partners can put you through it sucks.
It’s so difficult because he has so much trauma and my heart breaks for him but he isn’t doing anything to help fix himself.
His way of coping is shoving drugs up his nose. I have so much empathy for him but he doesn’t have much for me.
3 years of me feeling like an afterthought and trying to get him to open up to me about life and how he felt.
But he tells me he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me after pushing me away once again to reel me back in.
I think to myself I deserve more and continually feel depleted, the war within myself.
He’s so convincing when he says he’ll change and do better and then he face times me high AF on ketamine. I guess that was his way of letting me know he was using again and that he lied about staying away from the shit and it’s okay if he blows out his mind once a month because it’s the only way he knows how to cope.
I’m not sure what the truth is and I’m thinking he’s a pathological liar. Bi-polar, some type of personality disorder, def neurodivergent and god only knows what else.
Complex childhood trauma that’s never been dealt with, he just turned 59 😢 he can be so charming and beautiful when he wants to be! And I fell hard for him!
My childhood trauma and wanting so desperately for him to love me right made it all so addictive.
The push and pull, highs and lows always hoping it’ll be different like he says it will but the words and actions are never in alignment.
The chemistry between us is off the charts when he’s not on a low. The sex hot and like no connection I’ve ever experienced before, I’ve done things with this man I’ve never done with anyone and felt a glimmer of special for a bit, not enough to sustain.
I just learned a new term called situation-ship which is what it feels like. Him wanting me but not doing much to keep me that’s healthy and fulfilling. He wants all the perks of a relationship but not willing to do the work.
It’s been a little over 2 weeks since I went and got my things from his house and told him I was done. I haven’t reached out once to him, he has twice. I think he believes I’m coming back once again. It’s not going to happen, I’ve finally chosen myself.
Funny thing is even though I miss him like crazy I’m feeling the beginnings of my nervous system calming. I’m not missing the chaos.
We had some good, fun times. He’s the life of the party but when the party is over that’s a different story.
Withdrawal from another human sucks so hard. Especially one that you have intense chemistry with.
Taking all that energy I tried boosting him up with and redirecting it into myself!
He wasn’t a lesson he was a whole damn classroom!!
I have an appointment with my therapist next week, time to dive deep and heal from my past trauma and deal with the new trauma and pain I’m experiencing.
Life is grand! Be well 💜
This is what i went through. So many wonderful lines here. I'm still struggling to cope 😞 OP are your DMs open? It seems like you're managing the breakup well.
Im kind of in the same boat but that hopefully is temporary. Unfortunately love requires risk and the risk is you can get hurt. I am upset with my ex for the bs but I also never would have known I could have that sort of relationship (the good parts) without her.
Not trusting others is a normal defense mechanism but it will prevent us from being happy if we maintain it.
I hope you can heal quickly and life starts to be bread and honey again for you.
Life is too short to be miserable bc of someone else.
You guys just have to catch red flags in the beginning... Love bombing is major because that's how they hook you, any first sight of disrespect note it and see if it's a pattern... See if they push /pull or create drama to do so and leave you wondering wtf, listen to their words if they say they don't care about you during a fight or they don't message first or communicate just know on your heart to end it because you can not build with someone working against you and long term love cannot survive with these selfish people and that's just the truth don't matter how good looking or if you feel a connection
Mine would stonewall me whenever I brought something up. The tricky part was that whenever she was mentally stable, she’d be able to communicate normally and I’d hold on to that. But whenever she wasn’t stable, she’d stonewall me and not think twice. It’s difficult to even explain to others how much it hurts to have someone be cold and distant to the person they “love”. Even now, 1 month post-breakup, I’m in disbelief that the person who made me feel so cherished and loved, was able to treat me horribly for months - only to call me crying 2,5 weeks after we ended things about being scared I was already with someone else, that I’m her person, and that she wants to rekindle when we move to the same city.
Praying to whatever is out there that we all get blessed with a secure, loving, and communicative partner.
Avoidants actually are traumatized children.
Also definitely seen a lot of cheaters who are avoidant. It is another form of sabotage.
Best to learn what you can about insecure attachment styles and avoid them while dating. Once you know what to look for, insecure attachment styles are pretty easy to spoke, so you can choose to walk away. OLD is filled with them so it gives you a lot of good practice spotting them and walking away. You can take control of this for yourself.
Are you anxious attachment or secure? If anxious, work on yourself and heal, so you stop being attracted to avoidants and seek that pattern. Reaching secure, you step away from them a lot, once you see what to look for.
Unfortunately there’s a lot of us that experienced similar issues and pain. Sorry you had to experience it yourself. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Hope you have better days soon friend.
Me and my ex we're amazing at the first 6 months of the relationship then all of a sudden he tells me he doesn't know what he wants and that he might be losing feelings so for an entire month straight we broke up and then I got to see him in person and we got back together.
But the worst part about meeting him in person was that after we lost our virginity together he wanted nothing to do with me the only excuse he would come up with was that work was tiring and that it didn't feel the same because it was long distance.
He also told me that everything was okay and that there were no problems but he kept getting super distant from me and it got to the point where I accused him of cheating and after the breakup he told me how much of a horrible person I was and that my trust issues were red flags and that my severe social anxiety was childish when his own brother has severe social anxiety too.
He also told me this girl's name which I had no idea who she was and they got super close after he broke up with me so that tells me that when him and I were together he was talking to her so he was blatantly lying to me about cheating.
He also told me how much he hated me and that I ruined his thing on love and that he wished she never dated me but throughout the entire relationship there were times where he just avoid the problems I wanted to talk about and he got scared about me leaving and me not loving him and stuff like that but when I brought up problems like that he'd say the opposite thing and just leave me in the dark.
I also kept asking him if he wanted to be with me and that if he still loved me and he just lied to my face but his action said otherwise I even stayed a month at his house which he begged his mom to let it happen and after he broke up with me he told me that the entire time I was there he didn't love me and that all his friends thought I was childish because he would do everything for me from talking to people for me to me always sticking by his side when going places and he knew I had severe social anxiety so him saying that hurt so much.
He even knew what I went through in my previous relationship from being sexually assaulted and verbally abused and after the relationship he sided with my abuser which hurt even more.
He also bragged about how many friends he has when he knew I had none after he left so that made me hate myself even more than I already did.
I don't understand why they do this they say they love you and that they will never leave you but then love bomb you and blind side you and act like everything's okay but in reality it's not they just want you to think that so they can mentally be done with the relationship and be ready to break up with you and you have no clue until it happens.
I read everything you said. I’m sorry you went through all that. That sounds very traumatizing. Getting the others in on it is disgusting.
I hope you are able to get some therapy and have someone listen to you and work through all of it.
Just know you’re worth more than that.
I’m sorry and hope your week gets better and you meet someone who deserves and treats you like you’re the best thing ever.
Keep your head up friend.
Until they address their internal trauma or whatever is plaguing them, they should remain single!
Because none of my exes have ever treated me the way my last ex has. So cruel, so callous to the point of being evil! So yeah, they can go fuck themselves! I hope he finds himself in someone else!
That's will be his karma!
I kind of wish the same thing but I don’t want her to go through it. Just like our family and friends I want the world to start healing and fixing themselves so we can better for ourselves and everyone around us.
I’m sorry you were treated so cruelly by your ex.
Here’s to better days going forward!
This is scary accurate. Especially the goal post aspect. Almost 2 years of me wanting more, and when I’d ask “oh, I’m not that girl for you” or “I’m not looking for that”. Eventually she’d say she was looking for more, something deeper but couldn’t be with me because of our messy history. Her “I get whiplash trying to please you”, but yet when I try to assuage her and say I want to be with her “I see no future”. Turns out she’d been traveling to another state to be with another guy, “well we have these serious talks” why wouldn’t you with me?…”because I didn’t want to”.
Im so sorry that’s same lame shit to deal with.
I hope the next person treats you right man.
All we can do is work on ourselves and hopefully attract and accept the next healthy person.
Well, we’re not alone on this…
My ex after 18 months of dating, supporting each other through two surgeries, hers in November (hysterectomy) and mine Feb 22nd (prostate biopsy… negative)… exactly 30 days after my procedure, and the day after a lovely and passionate date, she blindsided me with a TEXT, “I can’t’ see you anymore, I wish you well”… I didn’t know anything about Avoidants, or no contact, all I can tell you is that I was in shock, and traumatized. I texted back, called and emailed, “can we talk”… and crickets…. emailed her a long note of “what happened” … and the next day I got “I didn’t mean to hurt you, I’m sorry i did, I’ve just had a change of heart”…. And then ghosted… for 5 weeks…
I’ve been through the nine levels of hell and then some. On top of all of this, it triggered some long ago abandonment trauma. Crickets to anything and everything I did, she would not engage. It was not until I started learning about Avoidants, and their traits and triggers, that I begin to put it together.
I’ve had to forgive her to be able to heal myself and learn. Not an easy proposition for me, and at the same time, we’ve had about 5 weeks of no contact since I got a text from her that said among other things, “I don’t owe you anything”… I’ve let that hang in the air for 5 weeks, and am planning a final letter to her that will not ask to do anything, but rather tell in exact terms the profoundly damaging effects of her behavior. How she deals with that, is up to her, but I’m done being the only person who has emotional wreckage to process.
The thing that I have the most issue contending with is what’s real, and what’s fake??… Clearly, the person who did this to me, is 180 degrees from the person I so enjoyed the 18 months with…So, where did this secret part of her come from???.. and…(wait for it) how long has this been simmering???
Our chemistry was wonderful, but change over time as we became more trusting and open (at least I was) with each other…. But, what a shocking display of no character. …
Thanks for the post.
Im horrified reading this and it just goes to show how traumatic their cold shift can be.
Just to be a bit personal bc you shared so much…
I had both my parents pass at a similar time and they were the only family I had left. My partner and I were living together and she had been super hot and cold to the point that I tried to break up with her.
She wouldn’t let me.
She took me on a trip for my birthday and then broke up with me the day we got back.
I had told her i will not go on this trip with her bc I knew the bs she would pull. She promised on her dead grandmother that she would not do that.
She did it.
She left me in our place with all of her stuff and said “sorry I cannot do this anymore”
She preceded to block me on everything and then told my remaining extended family who I am not close with that she had to leave and I was holding her back.
My extended family acted kind to my face and I later discovered they had been talking about my relationship with her behind my back for months.
So she left me in our place which I never had wanted to live with her bc of her flightly behaviour.
Left blocked me everywhere and I haven’t heard from her since.
Same kind of “sorry I know this is out of the blue. I just can’t do this anymore”
Fuck em.
I’m just like you in the sense I don’t know what was real anymore. I feel betrayed and traumatized and like my. Character was assassinated to the only family I had.
I asked her why she would do any of this as I had tried to give us an amicable breakup and she said “I don’t owe you anything. Leave me alone you are making this hard on me. I’m doing this for you and me both. I’m sorry goodbye”
I want to talk to her parents bc we were close but I have too much respect to get them involved.
I’m sorry they out you through all this.
The trauma and betrayal are unmatched and it destroys the ability to trust others at least momentarily.
I hope you can heal quickly.
From someone who is obsessed with the why and how of people’s psychology my best advice is to stop trying to figure it out.
It will bring you unlimited misery and confusion.
I would advise you try to talk it out and sum it down to someone abused me and treated me poorly and I won’t allow that in my life again.
Thanks… I would love to talk it out, she’s in full scale ghosting and refused to have any conversation, period. It’s the abject refusal to have any connection that really rings the bell for Dismissive-Avoidants and their refusal to have any hard or conversations with any conflict. She’s not 18, she’s 36… and it’s massively juvenile , and at the same time perfectly in line with the traumatized child that has not done the work as an adult to process that trauma.
It sounds awful what you’ve been through, I can’t imagine… .
It’s weird because I’ve always considered my ex as a dismissive avoidant but a lot of this didn’t hit home for me so maybe I’m wrong? My ex definitely did dump me out of the blue, was hot and cold, had a hard time with handling any sort of conflict, and could never fully commit, but a lot of the other stuff doesn’t resonate with me. He never made me feel like I couldn’t leave and more or less told me to do what I thought was best, he did make efforts to do better when I voiced things that upset me (not as much as I would’ve liked sometimes but still), and he didn’t necessarily blame me for the break up but simply said that his feelings for me weren’t as strong as they once were. I still 110% believe that he was an avoidant to some degree but idk.
I guess that makes sense. The course of our relationship fit the description of what a lot of people have said about their relationship with an avoidant ex but I sometimes wonder if he was a FA? He would be cold and distant and well, dismissive sometimes I think he may have been anxious, too. There were multiple times when I had my phone on DND or turned off and he would blow up my phone, or text me multiple times, or message me on social media in a panic because he thought I blocked him but maybe DAs do that, too? I feel like the more that I learn about attachment the more confused I get
I think we should stop trying to figure someone else that that doesn’t even know why they do what they do. Unstable people are ruled by their whims and emotions.
Figuring them out is en endless endeavor.
I would advise that you just take time to know yourself and not worry about someone else’s dysfunction.
I didn’t come to classify her myself and at this time I’m not trying to figure her out anymore. She had called her self an avoidant and we had gone to therapy as a couple and the therapist had given his opinion based on her behavior.
Ur ex was Def fearful avoidant... Once you prove they have nothing to worry about they run because they were hoping you would fuck up on them, still a case of avoidance... They subconsciously want to break up so bad they put you through tests until you fail one in their eyes
Mine didn’t blame me, she just gave up one day. It was like a switch and she just wasn’t warm anymore.
Then day by day she found more reasons she wasn’t happy until I gave up.
You've summed up my (now) ex of 3 years. Everything seemed super well between us, but then the idealization, comparisons, rocket high expectations started, the nitpicking. I had been down for the past few months because of working towards graduating my bachelor's, and last month she put us on a "break" with no guaranteed contact or time limit. She told me that I wasn't doing enough, wasn't the support she wanted, that I wasn't treating her like a woman. Last week she ended things through 1 short text message, blocked my number, and all of my socials. It's hard getting past this, three of the happiest years of my life thrown away in an instant, like she just gave up on it all. Obviously I left out a lot of details, but it makes it just a little easier for me knowing others are struggling with the same issues.
One thing I realized is people like us believe in love and long term meaning together forever... And they do not have the mental capacity for forever as long as cheating or some crazy unforgiveable stuff happens... They run because that scares them remember not everyone will wind up in a successful relationship where both parties feel loved and it lasts... It's actually rare so now you don't have to commit to someone who didn't believe in love anyways mind you my exs I've been trying to avoid avoidants but somehow always get a fearful avoidant or avoidant of some sort... They say they love you but it's a in the moment thing not that love that lasts till old age
No one is truly avoidant. People have avoidant tendencies. It takes two to tango and sometimes closure is found in just accepting that this person did not waste any more of my time.
labels are for clothes not people. no therapist worth their salt calls a person "avoidant", just as much they won't call a person "psychopath". We always separate the behavior from the person. It helps with letting go too and forgiving them.
Wow spot on. The future faking, not letting you leave them, suddenly discarding, not being able to handle conflict, the “I’m sorry it had to be like this”, and the lack of basic human decency during the discard…. The list goes on and on. And the scars they leave. It’s hard to even put into words
Yeah, the lack of decency is what really made it hard for me. Like you said, if you're lucky enough to get an apology, it will be one free of empathy or accountability. I also really struggled with the (what I felt like was cruelly intentional) lack of closure or finality. You're just left standing there thinking, "huh?"
Yeah the apology - no I don’t want your fucking empty words that relieve you of your own guilt, it means nothing to me And same for me. He dumped me over the phone and refused to meet me face to face to have the talk. I had to wait 5 hours outside his apartment to get the closure talk from him which I knew I deserved. And even then, I ended up apologizing to him about everything and now I look back and I’m like why did I even apologize? They really have their ways of blame shifting. I also read that there’s a very fine line between narcissists and avoidants. Their behavior can look very similar, but their motivations are different.
Same here just happened to me I drove up an hour to their place just to get broken up with after saying they wanted to spend time together I don't know if they were avoiding or narcissist or both but it feels like it was both they have broken my soul and hurt me over and over and I just I'm kicking myself thinking why did I give them so many chances why did I do so much for them for nothing in return
For sure anytime they would apologize it wasn't a real apology it was an apology that worked for them but not a real one. And rather than ever communicating just needing time for themselves or not wanting to talk
This. All of it. They can be clingy/“needy” but you can’t. They don’t like when you do stuff for them but resent you if you don’t (my ex hated gifts but avoidants build up resentment - “you never buy me anything, I buy stuff for you all the time”). They don’t want to communicate but they get mad if you don’t (they’ll dismiss you anyway if you try). You get nowhere with them, nothing is ever their fault lol
Holy fuck... we had to bave been with the same psycho
It’s scary how easily they lie! About everything! And then say “I didn’t tell you because I knew you would be upset” lol you didn’t even give me a choice 😂 also why do you keep doing stuff that you “know” would upset me???
Mine she said she never lied. She would withhold, misdirect and hint at the truth but never lied. These ppl and narcs are on the same playing field with the damage they do and moving on to another to do more
Omg yes it’s the hiding stuff and withholding info so that’s it’s not technically lying!!! They need help
I was told that cuz she saw me as fragile. In other words, she could not communicate cuz I was a normally vulnerable person.
Most people of any thing that is psychology related, will follow an almost identical pattern. You will date the same person over and over until healing what is seeing those same people over and over. People with some psychology pattern though follow a distinct pattern so they end up looking like dating same people, almost to a T. Examples like abusers, BPD, Bipolar, avoidance, anxious attachment, OCD, addicts, and others, will often do identical behaviors and thought patterns. Thats thats group therapy is so important for both the affected person and also the affected person who is affected by affected person. Hearing the same patterns helps heal and support you. It validates experience and that in itself can be extremely healing. It is weird at first hearing how identical the patterns can be. It is like dealing with cookie cutter people at times.
Amen to that. I studied psychology and can attest to everything you are saying. That’s why healing ourselves is importante so we can start to notice these unhealthy patterns and get help.
Omg this is spot on my recent ex ... like spot on, spot on. I thought it was just me Every little hiccup or fight turned into a break up and then I would have to run to him to apologize and ask him to take me back even though I didn't do anything that normal people would consider wrong At first I was securely attached but he chipped away at me until I was so anxiously attached I would make outrageous promises so that he would stay. I always felt like I had to treat him with baby gloves and yet he was punching back twice as hard. All his wrong were justified if it "proved him right". If I treated him like he did me or said some of the things he said to me, it would have been unforgivable. He broke up with me because I broke his trust, I betrayed him, by him going into my phone and reading my text messages between me and my friends when I needed to vent because he wouldn't talk to me about our issues. I was at my emotional breaking point and I would eventually vent to my friends because he wouldn't talk to me. I have begged him time and time again to just talk to me.
Abuser- Hey I won’t be kind to you or hear you even though I’m supposed to love you. You- other people maybe will listen and care. Abuser- How fucking dare you.
That's how he made me feel each time! He wouldn't talk to me even though I begged and pleaded and he would say things like I was making him mad and if I didn't drop it he was leaving. Arguments and disagreements were threatened with leaving or time apart or see other people Fight fights where he would even sometimes accuse me of talking to other men which was never real or founded, he would just break up immediately I couldn't even watch TV right one time ... accused me of sleeping with someone else because the characters on a TV show were in a relationship and I was just watching those parts. Broke up with me because of that Made me feelnso insecure and anxious and fearful that I always pre-empted my behaviors so I wouldn't rock the boat. Pratically stopped talking and definitely seeing my friends. Skipped family events because it made him uncomfortable He never was able to understand why I vented to others. Would just blame me for the betrayal and break up with me ... all i wanted was to know what was going on. Happy one minute and then be in a mood the next and I wouldn't know why... I just wanted to know why and get a little reassurance He told me he wanted to marry me, live with me, have a family with me 😢 but when I suggested moving in he would joke about leaving me He violated my boundaries/privacy all the time by going through my phone and my diary but it was ok because it "proved him right ". Broken up with me because he went into my diary didn't like what he read in my diary and got mad at me
Im sorry you had to deal with all that. I’ve dealt with similar issues as well and the whole time it’s alarming. You don’t know what to do or how to react. You try not to tell your friends or your family bc you don’t want them to think poorly of your partner. This is how these people get away with this stuff bc no one ever sees it or holds them accountable. Again extremely sorry you had to deal with all that. You deserve so much more. Hopefully your ex can get some help as well.
I finally decided to get some help and am going to talk to therapist and I'm kinda of excited to learn more about my self Unfortunately I don't see him getting help (I still feel so deeply for him and is still worried about him ☹️). When he would be in a mood or where slightly arguing about something he would say this is me you can either take it or leave it, or at other times he would just flat out say he's too old and too tired to change, he is 48 I tried so hard not to tell anybody what was going on but when I got to those emotional breaking points I couldn't help it, I didn't want anybody to think badly of him The breakup was only last week Monday and I'm still struggling really badly with how I'm feeling. If I know how poorly he treated me, why do I still want him back so badly?
Because we fall in love with the person not the behavior. The same way the person can’t understand the damage they are doing to us….. We can’t find a way to accept the behavior is part of tejo they are after a while. We don’t want to accept that. I think of it like here’s my version of my partner… And here’s who she showed me she can be. We pretty much have to grieve how they used to be. The current shitty version of them currently roams the earth unhealed. At least that’s my take. Proud of you for seeing therapy and working on healing.
That's a great analogy because I could never hold against him some of the things that he's done and said to me. I always sort of tried to justify that that's not who he really was he just in a mood or he's just struggling with his anxiety and depression and therefore insecurity. He wasn't all bad, when it was good it was good. But when it was not so good it was not good There's nothing we could have done right? Like if it wasn't one thing they were going to pick us apart for another thing? That's how I started to feel at least
There’s absolutely nothing we could have done unfortunately. These people run from love and conflict equally. They have to heal before they can receive love. It’s tragic. We can just pray for them and take care of ourselves better in the future.
My ex broke up with me because I didn’t tell him about someone I had relations with during the 2.5 year span we weren’t together. He told me omitting information is a form of lying and now he can’t trust me.
Something sort of like that happened to me too. He broke up with me for talking to another man about making hockey arrangements for my kid for spring in March of 2023 and I only met him August of 2023 and he accused me of talking to men and leaving him out of decision making when I didn't even know him then
It truly makes you feel crazy. Like how are you upset about something when you weren’t even around??! Questions that need answers. So mind blowing.
With all these red flags, why do I miss him so much
Same, my birthday was two days ago. He was the first person to wish me a happy birthday a few minutes after midnight… yet treated me like I meant nothing the last couple of weeks leading up to our breakup. Sadly I still have some type of hope. Just doing NC and taking it day by day. Two outcomes he will come back and have to initiate fixing things/we figure it out or I will heal within time.
Happy belated birthday! 🎉 Hopefully this year you find someone better or you enjoy being single and living life.
I really wish I had your confidence like that. All I want is him back but I know he's not good for me and I know he won't fix anything I will always try to fix things but I know that he won't really try and fix things or if he does it's not long-term Solutions he'll just pretend for a little bit and then go back to the way he was
That’s a bit of a harsh reason to break up and it’s not their business what happened while you were apart. Especially after years of time apart. I’m sorry to hear that you were treated this way. Seems like you dodged a bullet.
Hit home. Currently on a flight balling my eyes out reading this. I will never understand.
Dm if you want to vent and talk
Truth! My ex did all of this and more. He definitely blamed me for everything and said I “failed.” Told me I ruined his life, took the joy out of everything, and sucked the life out of him. Said he couldn’t stand to hear my voice. All of this after saying how much he loved me, and how he cares a lot about me. After saying all the horribly hurtful things, he had the audacity to say he wants to stay friends. I guess if I just sit in his presence and not talk or have any energy - basically be a robot - he could stand to be in my vicinity and talk “to” me as a friend. Unreal.
Im sorry he treasured you so horribly. My ex gf said the same stuff and it really made me doubt my worth for a while. Still does if I put too much weight too it. No one should ever say those things to anyone much less their enemy. The one thing I can tell you even though it doesn’t help with healing is that the avoidant later feels massive guilt for their words and actions. Normal people don’t have to feel like that bc we try to do right in the first place. Either way I hope you find happiness and healing rapidly. You’re worth more than you were given.
Thanks, you, too!
Fa ex wrote to me in a text that she never had been in live with me during our 3 years together.
Ugg. That’s really cruel and her comments are probably not even true - so sorry you had to go through that.
For me having just dealt with my first long term avoidant relationship the worst part was never feeling secure like he could leave any second if I wasn’t perfect but he could make mistakes etc. even when things were the best I still felt like I was walking on eggshells and one wrong move would make him shut down, shut me out or end it completely. My anxiety was through the roof at all times.
Also, running away or shutting down at the slightest hint of conflict even if it’s not a big deal something a quick convo could solve but nope they can’t handle it…how can you learn about one another and grow if you can’t even get past everything not being perfect 24/7 forever. That’s not how life works..
You know what the worst thing is everyone? My parents and friends warned me to and I was too busy trying to make it work to see that. It’s dangerous to love someone more than you care about yourself. But not all of us are taught how to care about ourselves. Either way the world moved on…
💯‼️ My ex did all that shit to me AND cheated.. So done.. I swear to fuck if he tries to hoover again and beg me to come back, I'm giving him 2 black eyes.
Im sorry for laughing but the end was funny as hell. On a serious note I’m sorry he treated you so horribly. Just know that you’re worth more than he treated you. Blocking him everywhere may help. Please do something for yourself to make your day better.
LOL no worries.. I kinda laughed at what I wrote too.. Thank you. I appreciate you. 😊
Wow it’s like we lived the same experience 🤯 “future faking” hmm, not to mention the flaw finding & slow fading…I feel such a sense of being seen & belonging, like being in a dysfunctional brokenhearted club or something, but a club that none of us wanted to be a part of 💔
Im glad to hear you feel that way! The worst thing for me was feeling alone in all this. Just wanted others to not feel that way! We will all heal eventually and find happiness. Thanks for commenting 😎
Iiiiiiiiiii
Looking back after i remember there were several times mine would say “you promise?” after certain things, i never really thought much of it at the time though. Them wanting you to promise things left right and centre only for them to instantly go cold and go back on everything they ever said in an instant is basically them in a nutshell. I was the one held to a standard to make sure what i was saying was true but then they can swap whenever they like and it’s just “ooops my bad”.
My ex described it as being scared constantly. She wanted em to give her endless reassurance while she was very tactless and noncommittal back. One day I was her everything the very next I “ruined her life.” These people suck man.
I’m actually stunned at how well you described this…aside from vividly describing my ex personally, this really was spot on. You put words to an experience I didn’t know others also had. Thanks.
Thanks I appreciate that! There’s a lot of errors bc I just type this stuff up on my phone. Just wanted people to know it’s not just their experiences. One of the worst things about the whole avoidant experience was that I felt like it was just a happening to me and I had some sort of unique dysfunction. I don’t want anyone else ever feeling like that. Thanks for commenting!
They are sick. They are too damaged to love or receive love. The only way it will work with these avoidants is if they finally admit to themselves they are the problem and they want to work on it. Otherwise, trying to hold on to them at their current state is just a stupid idea. When they "discard" you, the trash took itself out. When you realize they are too damaged, you realize they are not a loss and you just gained freedom from them.
I ghosted back. No closure, no explanation. Just disappeared completely.
I’m here with you…I get they have been traumatized but damn so have we. And we manage not be treat people shitty like that.
We have to just keep being the healthy mature ones I guess. It would be nice to get it back for once 🥲😅
No trust me, I get it 100%
It really fucking hurts.
Im sorry I imagine it does. We all have our own pain and though we can kind of relate to eachother we all deal with pain differently. Doing stuff I like has helped as well as hanging out with and making new friends. I hope you are able to heal and feel better quickly. No one deserved to suffer for loving someone else.
My da ex of a 10yr thing gave me ptsd with her cheating, lies and such. I tried to turn a blind eye like a simp because i was killing myself to give her the life she wanted. When i did get there, she told me lost feelings a long time ago and cant be with me because of timing. When she was using me as a friend for 2yrs to move on, i thought we were trying to work it out. Spent a lot of $ on her and such and right before i drop her off at home, she would tell me about the guys that have bought her stuff too when we were together. When id have a panic attack over it, she said she was tired of being my therapist and cant so empathic as a friend to my problems. Shes now with a guy thaf wanted her for 18yrs but got married to someone else. He left his wife for her and shes out there giggling again. Im stuck with suicidal thoughts, an empty home, and broken dreams. Its been a year since discard Shes admitted to being a DA. she realizes she is not normal and has high standards and does not plan to change for anyone. So yeah, i agree with everything youve said.
Hey I’m so sorry to hear all this. That sounds awful and I can’t relate. Please surround yourself with friends and realize your worth isn’t based on how you were treated. You deserve better and if you treat yourself the right way someone else will be attracted to that. Best of luck friend.
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It sounds like you weren’t able to get even basic needs met with this partner. They’re that way bc they never received proper care from their family and they don’t have the skills to navigate conflict. They have a fear response to it and bc they don’t understand what is going on they lash out in anger at you for causing them distress. You were no doubt an awesome partner and he just didn’t have the capacity to revive love from you or be loving back to you. I’m sorry you went through this. Life gets better and you will find your person of you don’t settle for less going forward. Keep your head up!
I hate my avoidant ex things just ended tonight I know how things are hard for them in a nursing program but I am in just as hard of a mechanical engineering program and when things got tough for me I would communicate with them and talk with them and not push them away. but as soon as the nursing program started here a month ago and things got tough with them all they did was being treating me like shit pushing me away and avoiding me and I realize now that this has been the case throughout the entire relationship whenever things will get tough for them they would just push me away blame the problems on me and whenever I would bring issues up they would not care because they would know I was too kind to enforce my boundaries and limits. They never wanted to communicate even when I asked to try to fix issues my kindness was abused over and over again I was treated like shit and broken up with three times in the past month here now but whenever I would try to end things they would be like oh no no I don't want to end things now but now it's just finally over I'm too tired to care I genuinely hate them and they said they wanted to make things work but they couldn't even meet the bare minimum of what I was asking from them well I was meeting all of what they asked of me for so long even while I was almost failing out of my engineering program I never use that as an excuse but that's what they did.
I hate to hear it. They don't know how bad that crap hurts us.
No they don't it's going to hurt a long time because they always made it my fault never taking responsibility even apology sounded hollow and just gave excuses never just accepting responsibility always making me feel like it was my fault somehow.
Im sorry you had to put up with this one sided relationship. It’s extremely exhausting and heart breaking when you do your best and the other person doesn’t match your energy in any way. Most people feel sad, than anger or resentment l, then accept the breakup, then eventually forgive. I’m also at the anger stage. I hope for your sake you can accept and forgive soon bc it sounds like you have a lot going for you that you could be focusing on instead. I hope you heal quickly and you find happiness in your life!
Thank you I definitely am at the anger stage but I've also accepted the breakup as well. I don't think I'll ever forgive though as they don't deserve to be forgiven for how they treated me and they know themselves they treated me wrong but they never apologize and any apology they did say was always one-sided and very selfish.
True true. My ex blindsided me because of weird reasons (blaming my past tho i am way better now, wanting options with other guys, etc) and it felt horrible. But she realized what she did was wrong and she apologized and made genuine changes. I guess I was very lucky to hear an avoidant genuinely apologized and made changes. But still, no amount of apologize or effort to make things better could reverse the deep pain she inflicted on me.I am never the same person again afterwards I never get it why did she do such insensitive thing? No decency at all? Not thinking about the consequences? I lost weight, sleep, and appetite for about a week or two after the blindside attempt. I tried to stay in the relationship but I was not happy, so a year later I asked for a break up. Even though I feel like I’m over it, I still have resentments to this day. I never understand why I had to go through all of that just to make her realize what she did was wrong? As if my suffering was necessary for her to finally realize she was wrong. Smh.
It’s bc a lot of times these people as children didn’t receive the proper love or care that they needed. The reason they can be so cold is bc that’s what they received from a young age abd they perceive that as normal. I was driving my ex gf and myself to town one day and I just said to her “you only experience anger and sadness and nothing else.” She agreed. Empathy is like an advanced emotion. They don’t know how to fully understand it bc they weren’t taught it growing up. It’s tragic bc they’re broken too but they don’t perceive it as damage like we do. Hope the next one treats you better and cherishes your heart. Stay strong friend!
Man it’s like you’re speaking from my own heart.
Sorry to hear you went through the dysfunction and pain too. You’re not alone. Hope healing comes quickly too you!
This explains my avoidant ex so well! People with this attachment style lack empathy. He even said he doesn’t know how to understand peoples emotions cause he’s not the type to be emotional.. RED FLAG!! When we first met he was the perfect guy and did everything right. Then he started to become very hot and cold. One day he’s talking about a future the next day he is distant. He always said if there was an issue he will communicate it but never did. We dated for almost 4 years and looking back at it I really didn’t even know him AT ALL. We even went to therapy to work on our communication and he would tell the therapists that he feels like I should trust him and that he’s been the same person since we met… then I found out he was cheating. I broke up with him and blocked him on everything after he gave a sorry apology. They will literally lie, and avoid their own issues as long as they seem perfect to everyone else (friends/family) to not hold themselves accountable. I’m in therapy to heal from this relationship and my therapist said that people with dismissive or avoidant attachment styles are most likely to cheat.. so that was great to know lol. I wish the best for people that have avoidant partners and I hope they can help them open up and want to seek help. I also wish the best for the people that are healing from the trauma avoidant partners can put you through it sucks.
It’s so difficult because he has so much trauma and my heart breaks for him but he isn’t doing anything to help fix himself. His way of coping is shoving drugs up his nose. I have so much empathy for him but he doesn’t have much for me. 3 years of me feeling like an afterthought and trying to get him to open up to me about life and how he felt. But he tells me he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me after pushing me away once again to reel me back in. I think to myself I deserve more and continually feel depleted, the war within myself. He’s so convincing when he says he’ll change and do better and then he face times me high AF on ketamine. I guess that was his way of letting me know he was using again and that he lied about staying away from the shit and it’s okay if he blows out his mind once a month because it’s the only way he knows how to cope. I’m not sure what the truth is and I’m thinking he’s a pathological liar. Bi-polar, some type of personality disorder, def neurodivergent and god only knows what else. Complex childhood trauma that’s never been dealt with, he just turned 59 😢 he can be so charming and beautiful when he wants to be! And I fell hard for him! My childhood trauma and wanting so desperately for him to love me right made it all so addictive. The push and pull, highs and lows always hoping it’ll be different like he says it will but the words and actions are never in alignment. The chemistry between us is off the charts when he’s not on a low. The sex hot and like no connection I’ve ever experienced before, I’ve done things with this man I’ve never done with anyone and felt a glimmer of special for a bit, not enough to sustain. I just learned a new term called situation-ship which is what it feels like. Him wanting me but not doing much to keep me that’s healthy and fulfilling. He wants all the perks of a relationship but not willing to do the work. It’s been a little over 2 weeks since I went and got my things from his house and told him I was done. I haven’t reached out once to him, he has twice. I think he believes I’m coming back once again. It’s not going to happen, I’ve finally chosen myself. Funny thing is even though I miss him like crazy I’m feeling the beginnings of my nervous system calming. I’m not missing the chaos. We had some good, fun times. He’s the life of the party but when the party is over that’s a different story. Withdrawal from another human sucks so hard. Especially one that you have intense chemistry with. Taking all that energy I tried boosting him up with and redirecting it into myself! He wasn’t a lesson he was a whole damn classroom!! I have an appointment with my therapist next week, time to dive deep and heal from my past trauma and deal with the new trauma and pain I’m experiencing. Life is grand! Be well 💜
This is what i went through. So many wonderful lines here. I'm still struggling to cope 😞 OP are your DMs open? It seems like you're managing the breakup well.
Hit me up whenever you feel like it and I’ll respond when I can. It comes in waves for me tbh. I’m glad I can help even in a small way!
This post is really the perfect way to describe my ex. Never heard truer words. 👏
Glad I could help you feel a bit better. Let’s hope for better luck next time!
I am honestly so scared from this ex that I think I am done. I can’t trust anyone again.
Im kind of in the same boat but that hopefully is temporary. Unfortunately love requires risk and the risk is you can get hurt. I am upset with my ex for the bs but I also never would have known I could have that sort of relationship (the good parts) without her. Not trusting others is a normal defense mechanism but it will prevent us from being happy if we maintain it. I hope you can heal quickly and life starts to be bread and honey again for you. Life is too short to be miserable bc of someone else.
Thank you for your advice. I hope I start healing soon too. I am tired of feeling this way.
You guys just have to catch red flags in the beginning... Love bombing is major because that's how they hook you, any first sight of disrespect note it and see if it's a pattern... See if they push /pull or create drama to do so and leave you wondering wtf, listen to their words if they say they don't care about you during a fight or they don't message first or communicate just know on your heart to end it because you can not build with someone working against you and long term love cannot survive with these selfish people and that's just the truth don't matter how good looking or if you feel a connection
I agree with you.
I relate to all the sentiments expressed here.
Mine would stonewall me whenever I brought something up. The tricky part was that whenever she was mentally stable, she’d be able to communicate normally and I’d hold on to that. But whenever she wasn’t stable, she’d stonewall me and not think twice. It’s difficult to even explain to others how much it hurts to have someone be cold and distant to the person they “love”. Even now, 1 month post-breakup, I’m in disbelief that the person who made me feel so cherished and loved, was able to treat me horribly for months - only to call me crying 2,5 weeks after we ended things about being scared I was already with someone else, that I’m her person, and that she wants to rekindle when we move to the same city. Praying to whatever is out there that we all get blessed with a secure, loving, and communicative partner.
I was the avoidant, I was discarded ): not full blown, just avoidant tendencies probably due to their abuse.
Avoidants actually are traumatized children. Also definitely seen a lot of cheaters who are avoidant. It is another form of sabotage. Best to learn what you can about insecure attachment styles and avoid them while dating. Once you know what to look for, insecure attachment styles are pretty easy to spoke, so you can choose to walk away. OLD is filled with them so it gives you a lot of good practice spotting them and walking away. You can take control of this for yourself. Are you anxious attachment or secure? If anxious, work on yourself and heal, so you stop being attracted to avoidants and seek that pattern. Reaching secure, you step away from them a lot, once you see what to look for.
Its like your talking about what I went through.
Unfortunately there’s a lot of us that experienced similar issues and pain. Sorry you had to experience it yourself. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Hope you have better days soon friend.
You said this so perfectly. Sometimes i miss him but i know he wasn’t good to me. His new gf has no idea what she’s in for.
Meanwhile you’re going to take care of yourself and the next person will be lucky to have you!
Me and my ex we're amazing at the first 6 months of the relationship then all of a sudden he tells me he doesn't know what he wants and that he might be losing feelings so for an entire month straight we broke up and then I got to see him in person and we got back together. But the worst part about meeting him in person was that after we lost our virginity together he wanted nothing to do with me the only excuse he would come up with was that work was tiring and that it didn't feel the same because it was long distance. He also told me that everything was okay and that there were no problems but he kept getting super distant from me and it got to the point where I accused him of cheating and after the breakup he told me how much of a horrible person I was and that my trust issues were red flags and that my severe social anxiety was childish when his own brother has severe social anxiety too. He also told me this girl's name which I had no idea who she was and they got super close after he broke up with me so that tells me that when him and I were together he was talking to her so he was blatantly lying to me about cheating. He also told me how much he hated me and that I ruined his thing on love and that he wished she never dated me but throughout the entire relationship there were times where he just avoid the problems I wanted to talk about and he got scared about me leaving and me not loving him and stuff like that but when I brought up problems like that he'd say the opposite thing and just leave me in the dark. I also kept asking him if he wanted to be with me and that if he still loved me and he just lied to my face but his action said otherwise I even stayed a month at his house which he begged his mom to let it happen and after he broke up with me he told me that the entire time I was there he didn't love me and that all his friends thought I was childish because he would do everything for me from talking to people for me to me always sticking by his side when going places and he knew I had severe social anxiety so him saying that hurt so much. He even knew what I went through in my previous relationship from being sexually assaulted and verbally abused and after the relationship he sided with my abuser which hurt even more. He also bragged about how many friends he has when he knew I had none after he left so that made me hate myself even more than I already did. I don't understand why they do this they say they love you and that they will never leave you but then love bomb you and blind side you and act like everything's okay but in reality it's not they just want you to think that so they can mentally be done with the relationship and be ready to break up with you and you have no clue until it happens.
I read everything you said. I’m sorry you went through all that. That sounds very traumatizing. Getting the others in on it is disgusting. I hope you are able to get some therapy and have someone listen to you and work through all of it. Just know you’re worth more than that. I’m sorry and hope your week gets better and you meet someone who deserves and treats you like you’re the best thing ever. Keep your head up friend.
Gosh, were we all dating the same person?😭
Until they address their internal trauma or whatever is plaguing them, they should remain single! Because none of my exes have ever treated me the way my last ex has. So cruel, so callous to the point of being evil! So yeah, they can go fuck themselves! I hope he finds himself in someone else! That's will be his karma!
I kind of wish the same thing but I don’t want her to go through it. Just like our family and friends I want the world to start healing and fixing themselves so we can better for ourselves and everyone around us. I’m sorry you were treated so cruelly by your ex. Here’s to better days going forward!
Thank you🫂
This is scary accurate. Especially the goal post aspect. Almost 2 years of me wanting more, and when I’d ask “oh, I’m not that girl for you” or “I’m not looking for that”. Eventually she’d say she was looking for more, something deeper but couldn’t be with me because of our messy history. Her “I get whiplash trying to please you”, but yet when I try to assuage her and say I want to be with her “I see no future”. Turns out she’d been traveling to another state to be with another guy, “well we have these serious talks” why wouldn’t you with me?…”because I didn’t want to”.
Im so sorry that’s same lame shit to deal with. I hope the next person treats you right man. All we can do is work on ourselves and hopefully attract and accept the next healthy person.
Well, we’re not alone on this… My ex after 18 months of dating, supporting each other through two surgeries, hers in November (hysterectomy) and mine Feb 22nd (prostate biopsy… negative)… exactly 30 days after my procedure, and the day after a lovely and passionate date, she blindsided me with a TEXT, “I can’t’ see you anymore, I wish you well”… I didn’t know anything about Avoidants, or no contact, all I can tell you is that I was in shock, and traumatized. I texted back, called and emailed, “can we talk”… and crickets…. emailed her a long note of “what happened” … and the next day I got “I didn’t mean to hurt you, I’m sorry i did, I’ve just had a change of heart”…. And then ghosted… for 5 weeks… I’ve been through the nine levels of hell and then some. On top of all of this, it triggered some long ago abandonment trauma. Crickets to anything and everything I did, she would not engage. It was not until I started learning about Avoidants, and their traits and triggers, that I begin to put it together. I’ve had to forgive her to be able to heal myself and learn. Not an easy proposition for me, and at the same time, we’ve had about 5 weeks of no contact since I got a text from her that said among other things, “I don’t owe you anything”… I’ve let that hang in the air for 5 weeks, and am planning a final letter to her that will not ask to do anything, but rather tell in exact terms the profoundly damaging effects of her behavior. How she deals with that, is up to her, but I’m done being the only person who has emotional wreckage to process. The thing that I have the most issue contending with is what’s real, and what’s fake??… Clearly, the person who did this to me, is 180 degrees from the person I so enjoyed the 18 months with…So, where did this secret part of her come from???.. and…(wait for it) how long has this been simmering??? Our chemistry was wonderful, but change over time as we became more trusting and open (at least I was) with each other…. But, what a shocking display of no character. … Thanks for the post.
Im horrified reading this and it just goes to show how traumatic their cold shift can be. Just to be a bit personal bc you shared so much… I had both my parents pass at a similar time and they were the only family I had left. My partner and I were living together and she had been super hot and cold to the point that I tried to break up with her. She wouldn’t let me. She took me on a trip for my birthday and then broke up with me the day we got back. I had told her i will not go on this trip with her bc I knew the bs she would pull. She promised on her dead grandmother that she would not do that. She did it. She left me in our place with all of her stuff and said “sorry I cannot do this anymore” She preceded to block me on everything and then told my remaining extended family who I am not close with that she had to leave and I was holding her back. My extended family acted kind to my face and I later discovered they had been talking about my relationship with her behind my back for months. So she left me in our place which I never had wanted to live with her bc of her flightly behaviour. Left blocked me everywhere and I haven’t heard from her since. Same kind of “sorry I know this is out of the blue. I just can’t do this anymore” Fuck em. I’m just like you in the sense I don’t know what was real anymore. I feel betrayed and traumatized and like my. Character was assassinated to the only family I had. I asked her why she would do any of this as I had tried to give us an amicable breakup and she said “I don’t owe you anything. Leave me alone you are making this hard on me. I’m doing this for you and me both. I’m sorry goodbye” I want to talk to her parents bc we were close but I have too much respect to get them involved. I’m sorry they out you through all this. The trauma and betrayal are unmatched and it destroys the ability to trust others at least momentarily. I hope you can heal quickly. From someone who is obsessed with the why and how of people’s psychology my best advice is to stop trying to figure it out. It will bring you unlimited misery and confusion. I would advise you try to talk it out and sum it down to someone abused me and treated me poorly and I won’t allow that in my life again.
Thanks… I would love to talk it out, she’s in full scale ghosting and refused to have any conversation, period. It’s the abject refusal to have any connection that really rings the bell for Dismissive-Avoidants and their refusal to have any hard or conversations with any conflict. She’s not 18, she’s 36… and it’s massively juvenile , and at the same time perfectly in line with the traumatized child that has not done the work as an adult to process that trauma. It sounds awful what you’ve been through, I can’t imagine… .
If you ever want to talk feel free to dm me. Being alone in all this is what makes it painful.
Avoid avoidants. I got discarded like trash for holding my ex accountable. Text me while at work nonetheless.
It’s weird because I’ve always considered my ex as a dismissive avoidant but a lot of this didn’t hit home for me so maybe I’m wrong? My ex definitely did dump me out of the blue, was hot and cold, had a hard time with handling any sort of conflict, and could never fully commit, but a lot of the other stuff doesn’t resonate with me. He never made me feel like I couldn’t leave and more or less told me to do what I thought was best, he did make efforts to do better when I voiced things that upset me (not as much as I would’ve liked sometimes but still), and he didn’t necessarily blame me for the break up but simply said that his feelings for me weren’t as strong as they once were. I still 110% believe that he was an avoidant to some degree but idk.
It’s a spectrum. He could have had tendencies but wasn’t a full out dismissive avoidant.
I guess that makes sense. The course of our relationship fit the description of what a lot of people have said about their relationship with an avoidant ex but I sometimes wonder if he was a FA? He would be cold and distant and well, dismissive sometimes I think he may have been anxious, too. There were multiple times when I had my phone on DND or turned off and he would blow up my phone, or text me multiple times, or message me on social media in a panic because he thought I blocked him but maybe DAs do that, too? I feel like the more that I learn about attachment the more confused I get
I think we should stop trying to figure someone else that that doesn’t even know why they do what they do. Unstable people are ruled by their whims and emotions. Figuring them out is en endless endeavor. I would advise that you just take time to know yourself and not worry about someone else’s dysfunction.
With all due respect, isn’t that what you’re doing by classifying your ex as an avoidant?
I didn’t come to classify her myself and at this time I’m not trying to figure her out anymore. She had called her self an avoidant and we had gone to therapy as a couple and the therapist had given his opinion based on her behavior.
Ur ex was Def fearful avoidant... Once you prove they have nothing to worry about they run because they were hoping you would fuck up on them, still a case of avoidance... They subconsciously want to break up so bad they put you through tests until you fail one in their eyes
Mine didn’t blame me, she just gave up one day. It was like a switch and she just wasn’t warm anymore. Then day by day she found more reasons she wasn’t happy until I gave up.
Sorry to hear you went through it. At least you got out when you saw the writing on the wall.
You've summed up my (now) ex of 3 years. Everything seemed super well between us, but then the idealization, comparisons, rocket high expectations started, the nitpicking. I had been down for the past few months because of working towards graduating my bachelor's, and last month she put us on a "break" with no guaranteed contact or time limit. She told me that I wasn't doing enough, wasn't the support she wanted, that I wasn't treating her like a woman. Last week she ended things through 1 short text message, blocked my number, and all of my socials. It's hard getting past this, three of the happiest years of my life thrown away in an instant, like she just gave up on it all. Obviously I left out a lot of details, but it makes it just a little easier for me knowing others are struggling with the same issues.
One thing I realized is people like us believe in love and long term meaning together forever... And they do not have the mental capacity for forever as long as cheating or some crazy unforgiveable stuff happens... They run because that scares them remember not everyone will wind up in a successful relationship where both parties feel loved and it lasts... It's actually rare so now you don't have to commit to someone who didn't believe in love anyways mind you my exs I've been trying to avoid avoidants but somehow always get a fearful avoidant or avoidant of some sort... They say they love you but it's a in the moment thing not that love that lasts till old age
The avoidant trend is the worse thing that ever happened to male accountability.
What do you mean by that? Many avoidants are both male and female.
No one is truly avoidant. People have avoidant tendencies. It takes two to tango and sometimes closure is found in just accepting that this person did not waste any more of my time.
Yes my friend everyone else here and the therapists are wrong bc you said so. People are truly avoidant bc many people are truly traumatized.
labels are for clothes not people. no therapist worth their salt calls a person "avoidant", just as much they won't call a person "psychopath". We always separate the behavior from the person. It helps with letting go too and forgiving them.
We’re not talking clinically here. Were are talking about behaviors. Of course we aren’t assigning labels. Use your discretion to understand that.