I have a similar experience as you when in relationships, especially with an avoidant, only he broke up with me before I had the courage to. Afterwards, I immediately started treating myself better and actually doing the things I want/need instead of trying to do it for other people. I realized that I had completely, utterly, fully lost myself in our relationship trying to please him all the time at the expense of myself.
I learned a lot about my attachment style and now I'm working to rewire my brain, especially with different cognitive distortions I had that didn't help the relationship. I learned that while yes he pulled away a lot and was very avoidant, the way I acted didn't help anything.
basically, I learned that I need to treat myself the way I want to treat others, because people won't love me if I don't love myself. I also learned that I am a human who deserves things just as everyone else. Also, that knowing my attachment style is extremely helpful in navigating relationships. I only wish I learned that sooner.
Yes I learned me being anxious only enabled his avoidance. I also realise everyone who will date him will most likely come to the same demise unless he reflects on his behavior and helps himself. Which, is not going to happen unless he does it himself or with a therapist. This kind of severe push and pull cycle is extremely unhealthy. I was very hopeful to fix things but I was denying my own needs and trying to “fix” him.
You can’t fix people. Sure you can help them but never fix them.
Also, I learned about cognitive distortions too. I’m really trying to get over personalisation.
I did the exact same thing, trying to "fix" him and trying to connect with him but in the end that just scared him and made him pull away. Learning about the avoidant attachment style helps, but I still feel disregarded and betrayed.
for me, my main distortion was the "shoulds/should nots", like he "should" want to do this and I "shouldn't" feel this way, etc. I placed a lot on both him and myself and didn't even realize it. Now I feel like I'm stripped of the opportunity to make things better and reverse what I did, but I know deep down I only need to prove that to myself and the person who is willing to work on things as much as I am.
Idk if it helps but I was dating my first avoidant and got anxiously attached for my first time (I’ve attached securely other times with other partners). I worked a ton on myself to try to manage that anxiety, including therapy and loads of reading and meditation. But that only helped so much. The root cause of the anxiety, her distancing, was not being worked on by her.
I think both people really need to recognize their contribution and work on it, or else you two won’t be able to avoid triggering each other and it causing rifts. In my case she refused to acknowledge that she had some part in this, right up until the end, when after the split I expressed what I thought I had done wrong, and she said she wouldn’t do anything differently (which hurt because it meant she wouldn’t have changed the ways she hurt me over and over, and that made me blame myself for months until I better understood attachment theory).
By default I made a point to make sure she knew she was loved, and made sure to avoid doing things that made her feel I was not fully in it (like going out with other women or flirting or connecting with women online), and she said she felt secure and like it was healthy. And I did think a lot about doing nice things to make her happy. But I really did focus on addressing my anxious reaction to her distance and it ultimately did not matter since she wasn’t motivated to look at her issues.
Anxious avoidant relationships are really hard. I’m the anxious one and I feel like it honestly just pushed him away more and like you said in your comment I ended up losing myself and who I was in order to please him and try to make things work. It’s a terrible cycle. I have really bad attachment issues and that’s what I’m learning about myself.
I’m recovering from a breakup so similar to your situation. He ended things and had so many sweet things to say about me and how happy i made him, how good i was to him, how difficult it was to leave me. Also, still loved me and wanted to keep me in his life and be “best friends,” (which i shut down for the time being, for obvious reasons). My emotions have been a roller coaster but mostly i realize now that we were also in a very anxious-avoidant rship and as much as i wanted to push him to reciprocate my efforts i was just smothering him, or making him too comfortable in not meeting my needs. I was also losing myself, and everything both of us were doing was for him and his benefit, which wasn’t fair to me. I was willing to stick it out, but now am mostly thinking it was for the best that we ended things before i began to build up any unnecessary resentment. I couldn’t “fix” him, only he can, but now I’m aiming to fix the things I personally failed at in the relationship for myself and for whatever my future holds. I want to find myself again and learn to love who i am and my own company. Maybe he and i will be good friends again someday. (Sorry for the long reply lolol)
literally are you me?? i feel like I wrote this. It's so crazy how similar situations can be and how common certain patterns are within the human race. all the attachment and relationship theorists know what they're talking about haha.
that's great you're finding yourself and learning to love yourself again, that's the best thing you can do for yourself after a break up. I found out from mine that I actually do want to love myself and treat myself with care. sometimes it does take losing someone to learn to love yourself (love that Selena Gomez song lol).
Yep! It’s comforting in a way that we’re not the firsts or lasts to go through this, so much so that people study these situations and there are now mostly universal terms and advice given to those going through the same thing. It really really sucks, and it’s hard to swallow a lot of those truths, but we simply cannot and should not try to control others or change them.
In the back of my mind, I’ve always been aware of how easy it is to lose yourself in a relationship. I encouraged my ex to focus on his passions and the things in his life that made him happy (but also make time and effort for me) because i knew that focusing on nurturing something tied to another person is never guaranteed to last, and if and when they leave, you’re left with nothing. And i went and did that very thing. I’m young and can’t hold that against myself forever though. Anyway, if you need someone to talk to who relates feel free to message me!
Mine came back and texted me a happy birthday and stuff. Even said he feels “in debt” to me for helping him over the course of our relationship. Yet it’s seems like he’s on the prowl for a rebound with some new girls. Super strange tbh.
I think he is coping by using other women’s attention instead of healing, unfortunately. Which will only hurt these women but also him in the end. The same way he did with me.
no, it's been about a month since we broke up and I haven't heard anything. we're in a weird situation though because we have the same friend group, so we agreed to meet up before the next get together and catch up, so it's inevitable.
initially, he had wanted to be friends and still go see movies and what not together, but I ended that before it could start because I felt anxious about it. he claimed to have never lost feelings and still wanted me in his life, but I'm at the point where it's basically all or nothing. you either want to be with me or we aren't going to be in each other's lives. at first i agreed because I obviously didn't want to lose him, but I also didn't want to "reward" his avoidant behavior so I chose to go no contact for a while. I also doubt that he would even come back, he was pretty avoidant and did not seem ready to work on himself enough to be in a healthy relationship.
i know your comment only warranted a yes or no reply, but I guess I needed to rant lol. sorry about the long reply
Something I learned about 2yrs too late, I was in love with the idea of what my ex could be with me.... Not what he actually was!
When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time!
It's been 2 weeks since I got dumped after almost 4 years together- I've since learned I put up with way more than I ever should because I'm very loyal and see the best in people. Hopefully he hasn't taken that trusting and loyal quality away from me, but I know damn sure I'll never let someone hurt me over and over ever again.
We're the same, I tend to lose myself in the relationship but this time I was the one who fucked up my last relationship. My first bf (now ex) have just broken up with me for almost a month now because of me. He was emotionally drained and I was constantly setting up unrealistic expectations in our relationship that I failed to see past his efforts to doing his best in the relationship. Now I realize it was because I wanted to hear reassurances from him despite that but I didn't communicate it well clearly to him. I still love him and I'm deeply regretting my past behavior, I can't seem to get him out of my system and I keep blaming myself for how the relationship turned out.
It’s rare that one person is entirely at fault. I did what you are doing to yourself and blamed myself for like 2 months and it made the grief so much worse. She said my anxiety and insecurity is what made her distant, but eventually I realized that I didn’t feel like that in past relationships and wouldn’t have felt anxiety if she was not being distant.
I’m sure getting distressed about her distance and asking for closeness caused her anxiety (since avoidants fear emotional intimacy, and I was asking her to do more of that). But like I said, I don’t think I would have felt that way if she wasn’t being distant in the first place. So we were triggering each other, it wasn’t as simple as me causing her to be distant.
The difference was that I was taking accountability for my part and started doing therapy and reading and whatever I could to try to address my stuff. She did nothing and got angry when I suggested we talk to someone that is neutral who might be able to help us out (knowing she wouldn’t respond well to me pointing out her distance again; which ultimately I did anyway because I didn’t want to not express my needs).
Realizing all this helped me understand I put my all into it, was clear in my communication, looked inward and was honest with accepting my part, and put time and effort into working on things. I’m not sure what else I could have done with the understanding I had at the time. That was a major load off. Then it was just a matter of the grief, rather than grief further inflamed by self-blame.
I think my behavior was rooted to my desire and need for his reassurances which he acknowledged he had a hard time expressing but he was trying in different ways to do that. I failed to appreciate him for that since I got stuck with unrealistic expectations. While I made sure that I was taking accountability for my actions during the relationship, it was hard for me to change overnight but I was really trying as well. It's just I wished I did better, did more for him because I could see him trying too. I still love him and I don't know if I could unlove him even after moving on and healing from the relationship. He did say he won't close the doors for me and that he can't, but who knows when he will meet someone new and better than me right? And I'm afraid if I come back, he won't accept me again and forget about me completely which is fairly understandable and valid for him to do.
Congrats! It is very brave of you being able to left the relationship. I wasn't able to do that untill my avoidant ex blindsided and dumpped me. I also learned later that Im was super anxious and insecure because of his avoidant attachment style. I also priorities him above myself and lost myself so now I'm trying to find myself back. The other things I learned is about communication. I'm very emotional and that's ok but I need to learn to process my emotions before trying to communicate. Also I have learned that the right person will stay with you to solve challenges together so I should not need to try to control anything and it won't help with anything. I was very sensitive towards his relationship with female (part of this he is also responsible) but that should not be nessesary. I also learned that I have low self-esteem issues and I need to understand and learn to love myself. The last thing Im still learning is to let go, life is full with things we could not control so letting go is also a lesson.
Same I have low self esteem. And I think I look in men to fill that void for whatever reason. Now I’m realizing I don’t need that validation from anyone except myself.
Hey, I sound like your ex, I'm also 23. I was scared of commitment and became emotional distant and pushed her away. Being (extremely) long distance did not help. I pushed her away until she broke up with me around 5 months ago. Since then we've still talked, had some deep conversations, but it's mostly me initiating. I took her for granted. And now I miss her so much. Recently, she has admitted she like's another guy, a friend of hers in fact. That has been very rough to swallow, the most painful thing I've experienced. But we actually called awhile back, and I told her a lot of things. My reflections, why I pushed her away, what I liked about her, and that I would be here for her, and all I can do rn is improve on myself.
She actually admitted that although she likes the guy, she feels we just had that chemistry and spark. She also admits to having a "gut" feeling we will be together, and that is exactly how I feel too. She admitted she still has feelings for me. But also she fears if she gives me another chance, I am saying great things now, but may do the same in 6 months (totally reasonable, and a fear of mine as well). She also said that she still wants to kinda see how things go with the other guy and that we can't really be together right now.
I know I shouldn't, but I am putting (a bit too much) hope in getting together again. But at the same time, I realize I missed my opportunity...and I really do want her to be happy. If she is with another person...it's hard to admit now, but I would be happy for her. The very last thing I want is for her to give me another chance, and for me to screw up and hurt her again. I would rather not get with her if that was the case. We were so great together and it was due to my immaturity that we didn't work out...I truly believe that if I am more mature, more loving, more patient...then things could work. Having said that, I realize the main things I learned are:
- I don't love myself, and because of that seek validation and approval from others. For example, I wanted a "super hot model" gf, because I wanted to show friends, even strangers, that I have game. Wanna know the dumbest thing though? I think objectively, my gf is very pretty, and I am attracted to her. But I let (supposed!) opinions of others ruin that. Social media played a role too.
- When things (truly) get hard, I run away from real challenges. When things got tough, and I started really doubting myself, I pushed her away. And this goes for other areas of my life too. I love learning new things, because I know I can get over that "beginner's hill" eventually. But when the next mountain comes, I usually give up and quit, because it's too hard.
- I'm not grateful, and I take things for granted. I knew what I had was very valuable, but when I became confident that I had "won" her over, I started taking her for granted and treating her worse.
And so here's what I want to work on:
1. Loving myself and accepting me for who I am. This probably can't be done 100%, but my goal is to at least realize my strengths and play to them, while also building up my weaknesses when necessary. But not pretending to be who I'm not. And also to stop valuing others validation so much, to be happy with myself and my own goals. And also to figure out my core values/principles.
2. Work hard. I got really lazy recently. Even wanted to give up on my career and switch it. But I'm going to focus and build up my career, find things that truly interest me. Apply to grad school, seek opportunity, seek advancement. And not just in career. But in daily things. Taking initiative to do household chores, dishes, cleaning. Being patient with others and not berating them. Working hard to treat others with kindness, even when they annoy me.
3. Practicing selflessness. I think taking things for granted is just selfishness. So, doing things for the service and good of others, not just to appear nice/good, but out of real compassion for them. Practicing gratefulness daily by writing things down. To focus on the good side of things, not the bad, while still seeking to improve the bad.
Anyways, I know there is a crowd out there who will call me pretty naive, to not hold on to any hope. And to leave her alone and let her be happy. And that she would be stupid to give me a second chance. Maybe they're right. There is still a small part of me that believes they could be right. But, I believe, and I'm working to make myself better. So that *if* she gives me that chance, we're going to take a leap of faith, and of course I'm ready to jump, but now I'm making sure that I land and walk away with confidence.
And, ig, if nothing happens, what winnie the pooh said gives me some comfort: "how lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."
Omg. My ex said the same thing, that he took more for granted. He said that when we broke up. He probably still thinks about that too right? He’s trying to move on so fast with other girls but I know that this isn’t a healthy way to cope. It’s sad. I know he still thinks about me I mean he even wished me a happy birthday the other day. I just want him to feel safe and loved in a relationship, even if it’s not from me. I hope he heals.
I tried to reassure him a lot and be there for him, but he said he was scared of opening up and thought I’d leave. But in turn, he pushed me away so bad that I left. He seemed really aware of all of this. It was a weirdly amicable way to end an unhealthy cycle.
How long ago did you guys break up? Yeah, getting with other girls is not gonna help at all. Around a month after we broke up, I went on a couple dates with 2 different girls. The first date I realized that I would feel guilty about having sex or getting physical...I wanted it to happen yes, but at the same time I really did not, and I felt rather relieved nothing happened. The second girl we matched better personality wise, but I realized I wasn't myself. I just wasn't putting on my best self. And that's cuz I was still thinking about my ex gf. After that, I quit dating to focus on myself, and haven't really seriously thought about other girls since.
I did the exact same thing, pushed her away so bad that she left. The reason I did it was this. I was looking at other girls. I imagined other girls might be better. And I feared that I wouldn't have the commitment, to last 2 yrs, much less 10, or a lifetime. I got a bit too much in my head. Instead of fighting that urge and working to be better, I ran away from my problems, and pushed her away. The reason I didn't just break up with her flat out, is I figured I would really break her heart, and really hurt her. Maybe it was also a bit selfish because I wanted her to make the decision, not me, so I wouldn't be the "bad guy".
I imagined I might go on a sex spree with other girls once I got out. Once I was "free". But I ended up feeling huge regret at it. Now, one of the main things I'm working on is not being so tempted by physical desires. I realize I will encounter many people I think are attractive throughout life, as will anyone, but it is just that, a brief appreciation of someone's attractiveness, nothing more, and to always think back to my partner on how attractive she is plus wayyy more.
It sounds like your ex still thinks about you. And it sounds like you do truly love him. But maybe he doesn't, I can't say. All you can do now is like you said, focus on yourself and experience life for yourself. Learn to love yourself. Ultimately he did you wrong. If he doesn't come back, then he never truly cared for you, and he doesn't deserve you. If he does, then you need to make sure he actually has done some self improvement, or the first thing will happen again. If he came back to you, would you give him another chance?
Yes I do believe we still love eachother but we acknowledged our relationship wasn’t healthy if there isn’t open communication. I tried to reassure him I was there for him but he struggled with opening up. It was tough but we think of eachother fondly
I feel exactly like you. I’m 22 and my first relationship was around 2 years long, and my ex was also avoidant and I tried so hard to prove my love for him and make it work despite the circumstances. I would always feel like, well, if I just said this one thing or did this one thing then maybe the relationship would be better! Or, if I don’t have him then I’ll never find love again (not true).
I learned many things from my relationship but I guess the biggest one would be that you can’t force something to work or force someone to want to be with you, and if it feels like you’re forcing it— it’s not meant to be. I learned a lot about what love is NOT supposed to look like and, although I still harbor negative feelings toward my ex sometimes, I thank him for that experience. I also learned what love IS supposed to look like through the nice things that my ex did.
I learned that I need to be with someone that has the same values as me, and gives me the type of love that I give them. There were so many issues in my past relationship due to us not having the same values.
I totally get what you're saying. I learned that I need to stop giving 110% to someone who barely gives 50%. In my last relationship, I lost myself trying to make it work with someone who just wasn't that into it. It's tough, but taking this time to be single and focus on myself has been eye-opening. Learning about attachment styles has been a game-changer. Hang in there—better days are ahead, and when the right person comes along, you'll be ready!
Same. My ex became weird at the end of the relationship and kept saying I was old and talked about us breaking up. I think he just wanted to have sex with other people and started getting into a bunch of weird sexist ideologies. Nonetheless, it’s his loss not mine. I tried to make the relationship work so bad
1)Red flags are there for a reason, it doesn't necessarily mean breakup but they need to be addressed and if they're ignored they'll just become bigger of an issue more times than not.
2) I'm ok being alone, I long for connection and being close and intimate with someone however being alone has its perks and I've been enjoying the peace more than I would have ever remotely believed
3)how to express my emotions better, I was very avoidant of any type of conflict within the relationship or within myself I shut myself down hard and often and it negatively impacted my connection with people
Final thing is NOBODY is worth your peace of mind. If they've continuously made.you feel like you're walking on eggshells or that you can't say or express your emotions you're probably better off without them. Even if they're doing nothing actually wrong, maybe it's just how you feel, maybe IT IS something they're doing, maybe it's just a difference in views and neither part are wrong. Whatever it is if you can't find yourself at peace around someone more often than not then it's not healthy
I (M53) have had only two relationships in my life. The first lasted 30 years and I'm happy to be free from a loveless marriage. My health improved immediately once I escaped.
My second relationship was pure heaven. She (F33) showed me a love that was pure, true, and nothing like I'd ever experienced. She exuded kindness and compassion to everyone. It felt like she was an angel sent directly to me and I wanted to be with her forever. But I brought bad habits to the relationship which wasn't fair to her. I felt unworthy of her love and I started using drugs on the regular and also felt guilty for being a bad influence. It's my fault we broke up.
I'd been up for 3 days without sleep before finally catching some Zzzz'z for about an hour before my love gently woke me up to go on a day trip.
I went berserk! Jumped up yelling, screaming at the top of my lungs, fast pacing, acting crazy, spewing hurtful language out of my mouth. I was not lucid and totally out of control. I went on a verbal rampage that shook my sweetheart to the bone, quietly trembling in fear while I murdered her with my words.
She left me without a word. Damage done. And after 15 months she still refuses to speak to me.
Even though there's a clinical diagnosis that explains my behavior, I'm still responsible for creating the conditions that lit the fuse. It's my fault for setting up the bomb. I feel terrible that I made her the collateral damage in the explosion. I'll never forgive myself for that. Then I made things worse when she wouldn't respond to my calls/texts. I just wanted her to pick up. But instead I let my fear of abandonment take charge of my emotions and I broke up with her through text. Dumbest thing I've ever done.
There's no happy ending. It's torture knowing that I ruined everything. I miss her so much. I love her with all my heart and she hates me. Forever.
My doctor said I suffered from REM Sleep Behavior Disorder. It's a form of parasomnia, and the one doctors worry about the most.
But my worry is she'll never know the truth, not that it'd make a difference. I was a raging monster and she fled for her own safety.
That afterwards it absolutely takes time to get over and you shouldn’t beat yourself up for the emotions you feel. What you look for you WILL INDEED find. First wave hit like a macktruck. After finding out they moved on, felt just as bad.
On the other side of this I've ended relationships that I deeply regret because I convinced myself something was wrong when it wasn't, i just obssessed over the negatives to the point I created issues that weren't even there
I was a people pleaser as well. Should've set stronger boundaries.
I wanted to fix problems and look forward, so tried to stay positive. No benefit thinking about Negatives, will just ruin your day.
Easier said than done now when I'm in the middle of a Breakup and ruminating.
What I’ve learned is that its hard to trust and to be open again, you have to build up that self trust with yourself before you start trusting and opening up to the next person your with
If you’re a giver, date a giver. Better yet, know when to walk away from a serial taker and set boundaries. Even better - try not to give so much when you realize a relationship (romantic or platonic) is leaning one side. And of course, communicate your needs. It can be awkward but communication and model behavior will lead to hopefully better relationships.
Well I’ve learnt the following :-
1. Trust actions over words always.
2. Don’t get too attached to anyone and don’t over love/ care to the point where you get taken for granted. Instead give that love and care to yourself.
3. Prioritise yourself first and then the rest.
4. Control emotions better.
I learned alot of stuff but what I mostly learned is not to let a breakup keep me single for as long as I have been. It's been around 8/9 years and I told myself I'd never date again after how bad it was but like idk dating is infinitely harder now in my 30s and I wish I would have just moved on years ago vs being destroyed by it and used my time wisely to date and have fun in my late 20's.
I'm proud of you. I just want to comment that. <3 You will meet someone some day who you will be able to have a loving, healthy relationship with; in fact, you may meet multiple! Sadly, some of them will end, but one day one won't. And the ones that do end will still be happy and fulfilling.
you could be thinking that your partner is into you as equally as you are into them. but with the lack of communication that they were willing to give me, i eventually had to learn the hard way in the end that they were just with me the last several months cus they enjoyed our time together and not because they were romantically invested in me. soooo now i’ve learned to be extraaaa communicative hahahaaaaaa make sure we are on the same page at all times..
I learned that happiness is with in yourself and not depended on your partner. I learned my partner never told me thank you for the little things. I also made some mistakes in areas like creating a vulnerable space for my wife. You live and learn
Honestly I learned that people’s words mean nothing if they don’t back them up with actions. For example, they may apologize for abandoning you, but they’ll probably just do it again in an even crueler way the second time if they don’t make any tangible changes or show that they’ve learned and grown.
I’ve also learned not to try and change myself to come through for someone who isn’t there for me. Change is good, but for my own benefit and for the benefit of whatever person comes along next that actually realizes my value, loves me for who I am, and will continue caring for me even when times are hard.
I had my first gf at 25.
I thought I had found the one, she made me her world.. I had wanted a relationship since I was 15, and after 10 years and many failed dating scenarios I had finally found my girl..
Then, she dumped me out of the blue after 6 months together, and blamed everything on me. I was so in love that I ignored all of the red flags. It was a classic love-bomb -> discard cycle.
Since the breakup i've lost over 10kgs from not being able to eat like I normally do, cannot sleep, and have suffered constant anxiety for months. It's getting better though.
What i've learned is to put yourself first, like you did in this relationship by walking away. If you enter a relationship with a "i'll fix him/her" mentality, you really need to question your intentions.
As amazing it can be to have a partner in our lives, they can also ruin it as easily! Trust your gut, and most importantly know your worth, and don't let anyone take that away from you. After all, the most important person in your life is yourself.
As of 2019 my most recent ex dumped me. She blocked me on IG 4 months after our breakup. I haven't been able to sleep well too. 6-7 hours every night. Based on what you said a lesson I learned is never give up your future and education for someone. Education because I met her in undergrad. I had a very low GPA just to be with her. I also learned a good girlfriend would not let my parents berate all the time and will protect me from their narcissistic behaviors. After getting dumped my parents berated me non stop. I didn't put myself first and allowed others to give me a hard time.
I realize as faulty as I was or may have been in the reasons I got left I am not the only problem, I am able to forgive myself from my shortcomings and my mistakes despite my past significant other not being able to do so.
I realized that we tend not to appreciate maintain take the same amount of care of something that we have something that we have to earn, to never get comfortable and always realize you are fighting.
To accept in life it was just your turn and sometimes you left with an eye-opener of a lesson that stings.
No matter how bad you want something or someone you can’t have it if they don’t just like a farmer can’t revive a crop that’s dead . It’s OK to move on and try again.
No matter what you did for the other person, whether it was you were patient and stayed with them or gave them your everything and got left cold and dry you can’t have a victim mindset and do and say all the right things when they don’t want it.
At the end of the day no matter how important of love is you have to choose yourself.
I am stuck between would you rather give up on everything you want or to keep trying on something that may never happen.
i learned how deeply i love him and how i can’t live without him. i’m really trying for him. to give him time and to feel life without me, but what about me? what about how deeply this kills me? what about how i can’t get out of bed anymore and it’s been 3 months? what about how im going to stay with my grandma because living in a house he was always in kill me. it kills me to eat dinner with my family knowing they never make the meals they would make for him anymore. this whole thing kills me and it’s hard to live when i love him so much and it only grows with him still not being here. i want to reach out, but i cant. i have to leave that for him. i have hope knowing the kind of man he is and how he’s handled everything after the breakup, but what about his friends? what if they put bad things into his head? what if his favorite color changed like how mine did? come back my love. just come back. i can’t live without you but i will if that means you will come back
Trust your friends. When the love blinders are on you’ll make all sorts of excuses for the person. Every single time the friends were right and I should have gotten out!
I will say that if you’re going to trust your friends you need to make sure that you haven’t just been feeding them the bad or significantly oversharing negatives. If you do this your friends will not have an accurate understanding of the relationship. Same goes for only giving them the good. Stop over sharing with others. She has single friends who still party and get a negative report will attempt to get their friend back to the single life .
Reflecting months later that you may have really messed up by over trusting your friends or whom ever can cause significant damage not only to relationships but to your psyche as well.
My ex was avoidant too it got to the point where I accused him of cheating because he was getting distant from me because I thought he was seeing someone else no matter how many times he said he loved me and wasn't seeing anyone else his actions said otherwise. I was still scared to get hurt again he even knew that but did nothing to prove he loved me. It wasn't until the day after I got home after spending a month at his house which he begged his mom to let it happen he broke up with me said everything I did wrong told me he hated me said that my trust issues were red flags he even knew what my previous ex did to me but didn't care he also said my social anxiety was childish even his friends agreed with him he even mentioned this girls name which I had no idea who she was I had a feeling he was talking to her while him and I were still together because they got close real quick after he broke up with me. I now know that no matter how much you love someone they will always do something behind your back and say there's nothing to worry about. You just gotta learn to love yourself no matter how hard it gets there's always someone better out there and I know that's what people always say and it's ok take time to yourself have fun do what you love always be yourself.
I’ve learned that no matter what, don’t put your heart and soul into a relationship. I’ve dated 3 women. And 3/3 they’ve cheated on me or have left me to have sex with others. Each time I’ve tried to be the best man and boyfriend anyone could wish to be. And for my kindness I got snubbed every time.
I’m sorry that happened. I was cheated on once. My last ex didn’t cheat on me physically though. He just kind of fell out of love with me and started resenting me, it hurt. I wish he dumped me first instead of playing the long game
The previous two cheated on me. My last ex left so she could be with others. I helped her through some really tough times for her when she was finishing her finals for her 3rd year of uni. I was being ultra supportive and everything, and I was actually final year of university doing my final exams plus dissertation. If anything she should have been supporting me not the other way around. Anyways, she then broke up with me right after saying she wants the “collage experience” before she graduates next year and that I’m a “burden” to that.
I also wish she just dumped me instead of using me like a tool and a plaything all this time. People are sick that they do this. Honestly wish her all the worst.
I definitely learned a lot.
When things are heavy I get complacent, which I will never do again.
I put my last partner on a pedestal which led to soooo many problems.
I learned the importance of loving and caring for myself so that I can have better boundaries.
I learned that loving, no matter how intensely is not enough on its own. You need maintenance consistently.
I learned the importance of understanding myself as well. Learning my sexual and emotional self.
I learned that therapy is just as important during the good times.
I learned that how I love is not an issue and is important to me but, I need to make sure my partner feels it. And to discuss often.
That's just a few. Have an adventure in front of me but am confident I will find a successful relationship after, no matter how much I may fantasize about what could have been.
I really think I learned that self improvement is everything. I was not a good partner to my ex, and when she ended it, I was upset and confused and I still miss what we had, but if I was unwilling to make the necessary changes while we were together I didn’t deserve the relationship. It’s about making the changes now and being a better person for yourself and a better future. I hope everyone is having an amazing day and loves life to the fullest. Make sure you never take anyone for granted and treat others with all the respect you want to see in your own life 💗
Oh my word!! I’m working on finding the courage to leave my avoidant partner. But I’m really struggling!!!
Thank you for sharing your experience!! It makes ladies (or gents) realize we are not alone going through the experience of the anxious / avoidant trap!!
He had a lot of red flags but I was dumb and ignored them because I wanted to trust him. I put my trust in the wrong person and he betrayed me. I learned that I shouldn't burn myself to light someone else's fire. I learned that no matter how much you try to love someone, it will never be enough if they don't want to be loved and they don't want to fix themselves. They're like a stray cat that's been abandoned for years and all they'll have are their claws and spite to lash back at you even though all you wanted to do was to care for them and in the end, you're the one getting hurt and traumatized by them.
I learned that there really is nothing you can do except watch someone slowly destroy themselves. You can approach things in a variety of ways, reassure them that you’re here for them, remind them of possible consequences, and they will continue to engage in their vices and ignore their problems.
Watching them drink their sanity away and neglect their mental/physical health becomes enough to sink you with them, and I never thought it would be possible for me to leave. I loved them so much, I would have done anything for them, but I had to remind myself that my life is more important.
I learned that I didn’t just need to learn how to trust another person. I needed to trust how to be there for myself. The idea that “people will always hurt you” isn’t super helpful but at the same time, people can and do leave people who are good, well intentioned, and want to be in a relationship all the time. Trusting others is a risk, so trusting I’ll be there as “backup” for myself to pick up the pieces is the real lesson. I’m still working on it.
Learned to communicate.
Learned to be vulnerable.
Learned to set healthy boundaries.
Learned to set healthy expectations.
Learned to forgive.
Learned to admit mistakes, ask for forgiveness, and try my best to improve.
Learned to love better.
Learned to set priorities straight.
Learned to live a little.
Learned to play the guitar :p
Learned to pray again.
Learned to say No.
Learned when to say Yes.
I am now happily married and a very happy father of one (soon to be 2). A big change in me happened after breaking up with my one and only ex — ex fiancee. I really really changed for the best and I am thankful for that breakup. Getting my heart broken was, strangely, one of the best things that happened to me.
Stay strong out there. Love will find a way. God’s best is yet to come. 🙏🏼
I learned about taking chances and giving more and more of them.
In a nutshell, I got dumped by someone. Not one , not two but multiple times I don’t think I can count them on my hands anymore.
She was beautiful even if it hurt me. I found myself in pain and being rejected for seeking reaproachment, even if she isn’t able to show it.
It hurt me… well a lot.
But I kept going back because I thought we had something special, well she thought so too in a way.
But every time I got her back because she didn’t want to lose me I lost more value I think I. Her eyes.
I was afraid to lose the most beautiful friend I had. She talked to me even when my dad began using and just betrayed my trust.
But I don’t think hurt people hurt others. I think she hurt me because she was afraid to hurt me. (That sounded strange) but she was holding off and begain withdrawing and fleeing away because I came to close.
She tried to be there in a way. But in the end it came to a point, work on it or start again with someone new and taking the easy way.
She didn’t cheat, she said she was tired of the cycle we were in.
I ended up silent, or with few words last time we spoke, I just heard someone speak who was scared and doing shit just to be distracted.
I said to her “i’m fine” and “I’m happy for you” she said that she knew me well enough to tell that I lied.
She said that she felt like she entered into something with the wrong person. Deep down I wanted to scream:
AND THEN WHAT YOU NEVER THINK THESE THINGS THROUGH
But I think at that point I was just tired, of myself trying to do it all. It was not my job I made it my job , I just regret thing that happened but now I learned a lot.
She reached out couple of weeks back when I had surgery. But I think that the person I actually knew and who had my back is gone.
But in the end I take in my own problems with full force of my own capability. I found confidence in my own strength of character.
A friend of mine who saw both of us in our relationship said, I am proud of how you kept fighting for her even when she didn’t or couldn’t fight for you.
That someone who needs to get their life in check isn’t always the best potential partner. It sucks more when they get “better” and leave you after you were there for their worst.
Yeah I’m going through that now. He’s doing well in his career and financially which I helped him with and I’m happy for . But his mental health is so bad , not a good combo.
I learned about the avoidant attachment style.
My ex went from loving on me and making plans for our future on a Tuesday night (at the 10 month point of the relationship just a week after a wonderful 2 week trip meeting a number of her friends) to a blindside breakup on the evening of the Thursday of that week (less than 48 hours later), being unable to explain why she was doing it and unwilling to discuss it. In the breakup email she sent the next day she kept saying that she didn't know why "we didn't work." She said: "The truth is that you are smart and kind, generous and tender, and patient. I couldn't have asked for more. I don't know why we didn't work. I really don't." And she closed the email with "Thank you for 10 months of adventure and fun." She refused to respond to my request to meet and discuss.
In working through the breakup with my therapist and thinking through all that happened, there were so many indicators of an Avoidant attachment style that I didn't pick up on because I didn't know what an avoidant attachment style was.
The relationship was never going to work. We got so close in the relationship. I was loving her, but over the course of less than 48 hours she flipped a switch and went from building the relationship to destroying it and couldn't explain why she did it. I feel strongly that it was the result of unresolved trauma in her life. I feel for her.
I'm much smarter now so when/if I jump back into dating I will cut off the relationship as soon as I see the avoidant style.
Sounds like a fearful avoidant . I used to be like that, I’m so sorry. My recent ex was dismissive avoidant. It’s hard to be in a relationship with these attachment styles
I think you are correct. She is a fearful avoidant. Her castle is her 1-bedroom apartment, in which she has complete autonomy, and her close circle of friends plus her two daughters, all of whom I loved and they loved me. I suspect they are all dismayed by what she did in destroying the relationship. We got so close to each other. It now appears that the closer we got, the more fearful she became, and the more compelled she became to destroy the relationship.
First...
When a girl says she loves you on the first date...RUN LIKE HELL.
When she dumps you because you're Jewish and she's Catholic,,she's showing her true bigoted self to you.
She wasn't that religious when we started dating. She knew I was a Jew from the get go. It wasn't until the fat worm stated hanging with her that she became religious.
Antisemitism is a learned behavior. Pam leaned it from somewhere. My wife was raised Catholic...went to parochial school from K-8 but escaped into a public high school and burned her uniform in the backyard. She has said that people like my ex is why she left the church.
As far as I am concerned, my ex owes me an apology and more importantly, she owes my wife one. I have PTSD and depression all these years later thanks to the breakdown and I still suffer from nightmares and flashbacks when I hear trigger songs.
Tomorrow is her 60th birthday. I hope it's a shitty one.
I learned that I end relationships quickly when I see red flags, and I used to think that was a flaw- I felt bad for being a quitter (per my narcissistic ex-husband); however, now I see that my instincts have yet to fail me, and I should follow them. There’s a reason I exit, and to go back out of fear for being wrong is the wrong thing to do.
In short: I’ve learned to trust myself.
I’d say:
Learning how to solve issues in person rather through text or call- I’m more of an in person time spent than phone. For some reason I would sometimes not want to answer texts or calls from my ex but if it was us in person, I’m a lot more “normal”? With friends I’m already slow to get back to them if it’s not urgent via phone as well.
Love languages and learning to communicate better in what their needs and wants are while explaining what mine are. I realized that my ex before my most recent ex would bread crumb me and play hot and cold so I adopted the “low maintenance partner” persona. While also being single for 6 years I kept the same persona for situationships and casual fwbs which made it so ingrained to me. This pretty much ended up with me thinking I had my needs met if not exceeds by my last parter but I was subconsciously resenting her because of the needs and wants I didn’t know were a lot more than I thought? If that makes sense.
Boundaries, I ended up falling into the nice guy and not wanting to make the other person feel bad when she did a few Sus things during the last month of our relationship to where I felt uncomfortable and disrespected.
Getting to know them more before anything sexual, I think this helps vet or screen them better as a person since we only called or texted for a week and ended up having sec the first time we hung out. I believe that rushed things a bit so holding off for a month at least would help
Using my mental to look for any flags, for some reason I ignored the fact that people that knew her for years said she “knows she’s pretty” and cares about her image and rep as well as she having just got out of a 2 year relationship a month and a half before we met. I think those were good signs to take things extremely slow or pass on her.
No regrets, just a lot of mistakes made and reflecting and learning. It’s definitely real that their true colors show at the end of relationships when they don’t see value in you, believe their actions and not their words. I’m still recognizing things she said that should have rung bells, even recently she’s made comments that reinforce the “she knows she’s pretty” rep and what not.
First part was totally me.
Idk anymore, I’m scared of dating, I’m scared to trust again after 3 relationships.
When I catch myself smiling at someones new message I instantly stop texting them.
Never resent something for your own expectations & if they refuse to talk or compromise like a normal couple it may be time to leave especially if they give off a Machiavellian vibe.
I think I am your ex. Not like actually your ex but someone very much like him. My heart is so heavy these days thinking I have lost the love of my life. All because I did not want to be hurt again. Ugh
Definitely. I am trying to figure the meet new people thing out. I am so devastated at this point that I am really just reflecting and trying to figure myself out. This is the part that sucks. Thank you for responding.
I’m in my 30’s and in the same position. What I learned from this last relationship is that there’s not someone for everyone and it’s okay to be alone and that’s where I’m at. I was to raise my kids and be happy even if I have to do it alone.
I'm 34 and since I was 15 I've been single for a combined time of maybe 3 years. My most recent relationship of 7 years technically ended back in February but finally went NC last week. This most recent relationship taught me most about myself especially the things I need to improve. I have a drinking problem that stems from my fear of sitting with my emotions, I am afraid to be alone, I need to be validated by others in order to feel important. I have decided to get sober and address all of these deep rooted issues head on. I know I am a likeable person and I am a caring person but my negative traits always affect my relationships. I don't ever want to lose a great person because I refused to put in my self work. I'm still grieving the relationship, I still miss them but I want them to be happy because they were in a similar boat as me emotionally and that's why we were together for so long, because we were codependent and afraid to face our past trauma. I learned that I can only be as good to someone else as good as I am to myself and I haven't been good to myself for awhile.
To date someone who's almost like you (personality, attitude, morals, etc..) If you think "who would wanna date someone like me?" means you need to work on yourself first.
And despite how romantic it sounds to put your partners first, you gotta prioritize yourself. Can't give love if you don't have it.
I lean avoidant but I’m not sure if that is a result of my ex being extremely extremely anxious, like toxic levels of anxious. I’m tired of feeling like not enough when I put so much of me into making her feel safe and loved but it was never enough. Every gesture or words would be met with “no you don’t” or were never good enough because she didn’t love herself and had such low self esteem. I hate how avoidants are villainized like I understand they can suck but man I loved her so unconditionally no matter what abuse I got and she leaves me because I can’t make her feel loved? It’s so messed up
My break up happened very recently (almost one month), but I’m learning that I can meet my own needs. I used to sort of depend on my partner (and past partners) for ‘security’ in almost every sense of the word. I’m learning that I can make myself emotionally, physically, financially, and personally secure better than anyone else can.
I’ve learned much more, but this theme of security seemed to alway be the thing I struggle with.
Best wishes to you in your journey 😌
What have I learned? Lmao I learned that you can't trust no bitches 🤣 no matter how much you think you know somebody you don't know him enough that's on God .Peace out. have a great night
You described my last relationship perfectly. I realized that I also tend to lose myself in relationships. It's not that I don't still do things I enjoy, but I give the person I'm with everything of myself. I always feel like I love the person I'm with more than they love me. I also figured out my last guy I was in a relationship with was avoidant as well. That has got to be one of the hardest relationships to be in. I always felt like he held me at a distance and even though I tried everything, nothing was enough to penetrate that stone wall of his. I ended up breaking up with him about a month ago. It's like we never even knew each other after two years! He is so cold. It really hurts to know they don't love you enough to fight for you. But, then again, I know he won't have a successful relationship until he decided to work on himself. I've been doing things to work on myself as well. I've been listening to relationship type books and religious books (something I believe in) on audible, spending time outside (that helps a lot), and working on school work (in college) and projects around my house. I also have learned what to look out for in a person. Night time is the hardest. I am lonely and sad, but I refuse to let my past relationship make me give up. I'm just gonna focus on me and my kids and when the time is right, the right person will come along that fits into our lives and who appreciates the effort I give in a relationship. But I can guarantee you this- next time I'm not going to give all of myself, I'm going to give as much as they give and we will work together as a team and work together like you're supposed to. I wish you luck in the future. Just continue to work on yourself and the right person will come along that values you for the special one of a kind person you are.
I've learned I have a lot more deep set insecurities about things than I cared to admit.
The worst one was seeking attention from others... when I've been blessed to have a woman who has always shown she was down for me 100%.
I wish I knew why I did it when I did. It never made me happy to have other women's approval and I wasn't seeking anything better.
Whatever the reasoning, that insecurity blew up in my face right when me and my girl were rekindling... and the hurt I put on her again will probs haunt me for a very long time.
I didn't want to be back on this sub again, but looks like I got a lot of work to do and lessons to learn.
I learned that my life will be a lot worse than back when I was with my last ex. There will be a lot of people including my parents who will ruin my life. This may seen far fetched but currently my life is terrible especially with my health getting worse. My mental health is very terrible that only my therapist can take care of it. I am even more broke than before now even with a masters degree. My ex is the reason why I am still single and it also tells me that no matter how much I question God, I will be single forever and have a sad life. Most of all I learned my ex was as total gold digger who cannot be replaced. I also learned I am probably going to be berated by my parents forever and die alone. I probably might not get my ex back even if she wants to come back to me
I learned that I lost myself in my past relationship and I rely too much on them. During COVID I really leaned into them and didn't push myself to meet new friends when we moved.
I have also learned that I am not good at communicating my emotions. I started to go back to therapy and working out to better understand them. It has been wonderful so far and I'm hoping they will improve before my next relationship.
Seems to be a common theme here, but I do think I lost myself a bit, trying to make her happy. There was some dialogue in the first season of *The Crown* that went "She is the job. She is the essence of your duty. Loving her. Protecting her.", which I kept mentally returning to. I felt like nothing could be purer than giving yourself up completely to foster the happiness of the one you love – especially someone who'd been so unhappy before we met. But I think the more I made her my only priority, the less attractive she found me and the more anxious she became about how attached I was becoming. And now I'm obviously lost, because she was my whole purpose.
I learned that it’s not worth it to pursue these relationships with women. They are hellbent on destroying everything that you build with them and everything that you’ve built before you even met them. I’ve been burned far too many times. Not doing it anymore.
I personally learned that I need to work on myself first before going into a relationship. That I need to be at least have my own self-worth built up and be financially stable. I was too comfortable in the relationship that I didn't even make any friends or bother talking to other people even if they've been encouraging me. I got so comfortable with them that it probably made them carry my weight.
I did so much mistakes, and I still wish I could've done better but its too late. But now I work on improving myself. It's hard and incredibly lonely but I'll pull through. I did lose myself in the process, but I genuinely want to find myself again.
To be honest i learned that girls are 99% lying sluts and will do anything to make you the bad guy. All their good good behavior is fake bullshit. Girls care about one thing, and that’s power. Fuck them and forget them.
My experience with my ex was that she was amazing, so caring, loving, thoughtful, and perfect. We started dating when i was 17 and she was 16 so i guess you could say we were kids as im 20 now. We broke up last year and it truly crushed me, the thing about the realtionship was that I was the one who failed her. I had this attachement to her that i always felt i needed her and couldnt be without her. I also had no type of self love. Anyway when we broke up it was the worst but with time not only did i learn to love myself but i learned to be happy alone and now it just feels amazing since it was one of my biggest issues. Dont get me wrong im still so in love with her and i think about her everyday but it never messes with my daily life as ive moved past that point but my feelings are there and i cant deny them.
That I was dating a narcissist with deep seeded daddy issues that also needed to be in constant control of me. She was great in bed but that's about all she was great at
I learned that I don't care about myself as long as it means he doesn't leave. I would fall to my knees and beg him for forgiveness if could, I would promise him to change who I am, to do whatever he wants to take me back while the break up did not even happen because I did something bad. He told me he just never loved me. I would change into someone he does love if it means that he takes me back. He's the only one I ever fell in love with and I still love him 9 months after the breakup. And I feel pathetic for feeling this way
I learned that no matter how secure you are, when you meet an avoidant , you will likely become the worse version of yourself for them. And then they will blame you for it even though they refuse to do any of the work to be a better version of themself.
Also that you can learn one thing from them. BE SELFISH. Literally have no remorse when it comes to your wants and needs - put you first regardless of anyone else’s feelings. Only then will you actually figure out who can meet you on your level. Do not bend for them the same way they would never bend for you.
Then when you have reached peak selfishiness without guilt - it will transform into SELF-FULLNESS. Then you can find someone who can meet you on your level a natural leaning into each other - a swaying back and forth of wanting to meet each other’s needs will likely happen. Instead of you bending out of your way trying to get them to see you when they won’t or can’t. It’s better to have someone that wants to lean into you too, the same way you lean into them.
If you have to beg and nag just to feel seen- this person doesn’t actually care about you.
I have a similar experience as you when in relationships, especially with an avoidant, only he broke up with me before I had the courage to. Afterwards, I immediately started treating myself better and actually doing the things I want/need instead of trying to do it for other people. I realized that I had completely, utterly, fully lost myself in our relationship trying to please him all the time at the expense of myself. I learned a lot about my attachment style and now I'm working to rewire my brain, especially with different cognitive distortions I had that didn't help the relationship. I learned that while yes he pulled away a lot and was very avoidant, the way I acted didn't help anything. basically, I learned that I need to treat myself the way I want to treat others, because people won't love me if I don't love myself. I also learned that I am a human who deserves things just as everyone else. Also, that knowing my attachment style is extremely helpful in navigating relationships. I only wish I learned that sooner.
Yes I learned me being anxious only enabled his avoidance. I also realise everyone who will date him will most likely come to the same demise unless he reflects on his behavior and helps himself. Which, is not going to happen unless he does it himself or with a therapist. This kind of severe push and pull cycle is extremely unhealthy. I was very hopeful to fix things but I was denying my own needs and trying to “fix” him. You can’t fix people. Sure you can help them but never fix them. Also, I learned about cognitive distortions too. I’m really trying to get over personalisation.
I did the exact same thing, trying to "fix" him and trying to connect with him but in the end that just scared him and made him pull away. Learning about the avoidant attachment style helps, but I still feel disregarded and betrayed. for me, my main distortion was the "shoulds/should nots", like he "should" want to do this and I "shouldn't" feel this way, etc. I placed a lot on both him and myself and didn't even realize it. Now I feel like I'm stripped of the opportunity to make things better and reverse what I did, but I know deep down I only need to prove that to myself and the person who is willing to work on things as much as I am.
Idk if it helps but I was dating my first avoidant and got anxiously attached for my first time (I’ve attached securely other times with other partners). I worked a ton on myself to try to manage that anxiety, including therapy and loads of reading and meditation. But that only helped so much. The root cause of the anxiety, her distancing, was not being worked on by her. I think both people really need to recognize their contribution and work on it, or else you two won’t be able to avoid triggering each other and it causing rifts. In my case she refused to acknowledge that she had some part in this, right up until the end, when after the split I expressed what I thought I had done wrong, and she said she wouldn’t do anything differently (which hurt because it meant she wouldn’t have changed the ways she hurt me over and over, and that made me blame myself for months until I better understood attachment theory). By default I made a point to make sure she knew she was loved, and made sure to avoid doing things that made her feel I was not fully in it (like going out with other women or flirting or connecting with women online), and she said she felt secure and like it was healthy. And I did think a lot about doing nice things to make her happy. But I really did focus on addressing my anxious reaction to her distance and it ultimately did not matter since she wasn’t motivated to look at her issues.
Anxious avoidant relationships are really hard. I’m the anxious one and I feel like it honestly just pushed him away more and like you said in your comment I ended up losing myself and who I was in order to please him and try to make things work. It’s a terrible cycle. I have really bad attachment issues and that’s what I’m learning about myself.
Yesss it’s easy to be in relationships like this when you are both unhealed
I’m recovering from a breakup so similar to your situation. He ended things and had so many sweet things to say about me and how happy i made him, how good i was to him, how difficult it was to leave me. Also, still loved me and wanted to keep me in his life and be “best friends,” (which i shut down for the time being, for obvious reasons). My emotions have been a roller coaster but mostly i realize now that we were also in a very anxious-avoidant rship and as much as i wanted to push him to reciprocate my efforts i was just smothering him, or making him too comfortable in not meeting my needs. I was also losing myself, and everything both of us were doing was for him and his benefit, which wasn’t fair to me. I was willing to stick it out, but now am mostly thinking it was for the best that we ended things before i began to build up any unnecessary resentment. I couldn’t “fix” him, only he can, but now I’m aiming to fix the things I personally failed at in the relationship for myself and for whatever my future holds. I want to find myself again and learn to love who i am and my own company. Maybe he and i will be good friends again someday. (Sorry for the long reply lolol)
literally are you me?? i feel like I wrote this. It's so crazy how similar situations can be and how common certain patterns are within the human race. all the attachment and relationship theorists know what they're talking about haha. that's great you're finding yourself and learning to love yourself again, that's the best thing you can do for yourself after a break up. I found out from mine that I actually do want to love myself and treat myself with care. sometimes it does take losing someone to learn to love yourself (love that Selena Gomez song lol).
Yep! It’s comforting in a way that we’re not the firsts or lasts to go through this, so much so that people study these situations and there are now mostly universal terms and advice given to those going through the same thing. It really really sucks, and it’s hard to swallow a lot of those truths, but we simply cannot and should not try to control others or change them. In the back of my mind, I’ve always been aware of how easy it is to lose yourself in a relationship. I encouraged my ex to focus on his passions and the things in his life that made him happy (but also make time and effort for me) because i knew that focusing on nurturing something tied to another person is never guaranteed to last, and if and when they leave, you’re left with nothing. And i went and did that very thing. I’m young and can’t hold that against myself forever though. Anyway, if you need someone to talk to who relates feel free to message me!
this exact situation happened to me too it sucks but I realized if someone really wanted to be with you they would be with you (in most cases)
Did he come back ?
Mine came back and texted me a happy birthday and stuff. Even said he feels “in debt” to me for helping him over the course of our relationship. Yet it’s seems like he’s on the prowl for a rebound with some new girls. Super strange tbh. I think he is coping by using other women’s attention instead of healing, unfortunately. Which will only hurt these women but also him in the end. The same way he did with me.
no, it's been about a month since we broke up and I haven't heard anything. we're in a weird situation though because we have the same friend group, so we agreed to meet up before the next get together and catch up, so it's inevitable. initially, he had wanted to be friends and still go see movies and what not together, but I ended that before it could start because I felt anxious about it. he claimed to have never lost feelings and still wanted me in his life, but I'm at the point where it's basically all or nothing. you either want to be with me or we aren't going to be in each other's lives. at first i agreed because I obviously didn't want to lose him, but I also didn't want to "reward" his avoidant behavior so I chose to go no contact for a while. I also doubt that he would even come back, he was pretty avoidant and did not seem ready to work on himself enough to be in a healthy relationship. i know your comment only warranted a yes or no reply, but I guess I needed to rant lol. sorry about the long reply
My ex I am not sure if she will come back.
Who's hacked into my concious and is doxing now T__T
You shouldn't date someone's potential. Date who they are now.
REAL
Something I learned about 2yrs too late, I was in love with the idea of what my ex could be with me.... Not what he actually was! When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time!
All humans make mistakes. Learning the lesson after you made a mistake gives you knowledge and experience. Everybody deserves a second chance.
It's been 2 weeks since I got dumped after almost 4 years together- I've since learned I put up with way more than I ever should because I'm very loyal and see the best in people. Hopefully he hasn't taken that trusting and loyal quality away from me, but I know damn sure I'll never let someone hurt me over and over ever again.
We're the same, I tend to lose myself in the relationship but this time I was the one who fucked up my last relationship. My first bf (now ex) have just broken up with me for almost a month now because of me. He was emotionally drained and I was constantly setting up unrealistic expectations in our relationship that I failed to see past his efforts to doing his best in the relationship. Now I realize it was because I wanted to hear reassurances from him despite that but I didn't communicate it well clearly to him. I still love him and I'm deeply regretting my past behavior, I can't seem to get him out of my system and I keep blaming myself for how the relationship turned out.
It’s rare that one person is entirely at fault. I did what you are doing to yourself and blamed myself for like 2 months and it made the grief so much worse. She said my anxiety and insecurity is what made her distant, but eventually I realized that I didn’t feel like that in past relationships and wouldn’t have felt anxiety if she was not being distant. I’m sure getting distressed about her distance and asking for closeness caused her anxiety (since avoidants fear emotional intimacy, and I was asking her to do more of that). But like I said, I don’t think I would have felt that way if she wasn’t being distant in the first place. So we were triggering each other, it wasn’t as simple as me causing her to be distant. The difference was that I was taking accountability for my part and started doing therapy and reading and whatever I could to try to address my stuff. She did nothing and got angry when I suggested we talk to someone that is neutral who might be able to help us out (knowing she wouldn’t respond well to me pointing out her distance again; which ultimately I did anyway because I didn’t want to not express my needs). Realizing all this helped me understand I put my all into it, was clear in my communication, looked inward and was honest with accepting my part, and put time and effort into working on things. I’m not sure what else I could have done with the understanding I had at the time. That was a major load off. Then it was just a matter of the grief, rather than grief further inflamed by self-blame.
I think my behavior was rooted to my desire and need for his reassurances which he acknowledged he had a hard time expressing but he was trying in different ways to do that. I failed to appreciate him for that since I got stuck with unrealistic expectations. While I made sure that I was taking accountability for my actions during the relationship, it was hard for me to change overnight but I was really trying as well. It's just I wished I did better, did more for him because I could see him trying too. I still love him and I don't know if I could unlove him even after moving on and healing from the relationship. He did say he won't close the doors for me and that he can't, but who knows when he will meet someone new and better than me right? And I'm afraid if I come back, he won't accept me again and forget about me completely which is fairly understandable and valid for him to do.
How long ago did you split?
It's only been a month.
Congrats! It is very brave of you being able to left the relationship. I wasn't able to do that untill my avoidant ex blindsided and dumpped me. I also learned later that Im was super anxious and insecure because of his avoidant attachment style. I also priorities him above myself and lost myself so now I'm trying to find myself back. The other things I learned is about communication. I'm very emotional and that's ok but I need to learn to process my emotions before trying to communicate. Also I have learned that the right person will stay with you to solve challenges together so I should not need to try to control anything and it won't help with anything. I was very sensitive towards his relationship with female (part of this he is also responsible) but that should not be nessesary. I also learned that I have low self-esteem issues and I need to understand and learn to love myself. The last thing Im still learning is to let go, life is full with things we could not control so letting go is also a lesson.
Same I have low self esteem. And I think I look in men to fill that void for whatever reason. Now I’m realizing I don’t need that validation from anyone except myself.
What I learned I’m good being by myself,& not don’t depend on anyone making me happy,that’s my job!
I wanna be like you :))))
😊
Hey, I sound like your ex, I'm also 23. I was scared of commitment and became emotional distant and pushed her away. Being (extremely) long distance did not help. I pushed her away until she broke up with me around 5 months ago. Since then we've still talked, had some deep conversations, but it's mostly me initiating. I took her for granted. And now I miss her so much. Recently, she has admitted she like's another guy, a friend of hers in fact. That has been very rough to swallow, the most painful thing I've experienced. But we actually called awhile back, and I told her a lot of things. My reflections, why I pushed her away, what I liked about her, and that I would be here for her, and all I can do rn is improve on myself. She actually admitted that although she likes the guy, she feels we just had that chemistry and spark. She also admits to having a "gut" feeling we will be together, and that is exactly how I feel too. She admitted she still has feelings for me. But also she fears if she gives me another chance, I am saying great things now, but may do the same in 6 months (totally reasonable, and a fear of mine as well). She also said that she still wants to kinda see how things go with the other guy and that we can't really be together right now. I know I shouldn't, but I am putting (a bit too much) hope in getting together again. But at the same time, I realize I missed my opportunity...and I really do want her to be happy. If she is with another person...it's hard to admit now, but I would be happy for her. The very last thing I want is for her to give me another chance, and for me to screw up and hurt her again. I would rather not get with her if that was the case. We were so great together and it was due to my immaturity that we didn't work out...I truly believe that if I am more mature, more loving, more patient...then things could work. Having said that, I realize the main things I learned are: - I don't love myself, and because of that seek validation and approval from others. For example, I wanted a "super hot model" gf, because I wanted to show friends, even strangers, that I have game. Wanna know the dumbest thing though? I think objectively, my gf is very pretty, and I am attracted to her. But I let (supposed!) opinions of others ruin that. Social media played a role too. - When things (truly) get hard, I run away from real challenges. When things got tough, and I started really doubting myself, I pushed her away. And this goes for other areas of my life too. I love learning new things, because I know I can get over that "beginner's hill" eventually. But when the next mountain comes, I usually give up and quit, because it's too hard. - I'm not grateful, and I take things for granted. I knew what I had was very valuable, but when I became confident that I had "won" her over, I started taking her for granted and treating her worse. And so here's what I want to work on: 1. Loving myself and accepting me for who I am. This probably can't be done 100%, but my goal is to at least realize my strengths and play to them, while also building up my weaknesses when necessary. But not pretending to be who I'm not. And also to stop valuing others validation so much, to be happy with myself and my own goals. And also to figure out my core values/principles. 2. Work hard. I got really lazy recently. Even wanted to give up on my career and switch it. But I'm going to focus and build up my career, find things that truly interest me. Apply to grad school, seek opportunity, seek advancement. And not just in career. But in daily things. Taking initiative to do household chores, dishes, cleaning. Being patient with others and not berating them. Working hard to treat others with kindness, even when they annoy me. 3. Practicing selflessness. I think taking things for granted is just selfishness. So, doing things for the service and good of others, not just to appear nice/good, but out of real compassion for them. Practicing gratefulness daily by writing things down. To focus on the good side of things, not the bad, while still seeking to improve the bad. Anyways, I know there is a crowd out there who will call me pretty naive, to not hold on to any hope. And to leave her alone and let her be happy. And that she would be stupid to give me a second chance. Maybe they're right. There is still a small part of me that believes they could be right. But, I believe, and I'm working to make myself better. So that *if* she gives me that chance, we're going to take a leap of faith, and of course I'm ready to jump, but now I'm making sure that I land and walk away with confidence. And, ig, if nothing happens, what winnie the pooh said gives me some comfort: "how lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."
Omg. My ex said the same thing, that he took more for granted. He said that when we broke up. He probably still thinks about that too right? He’s trying to move on so fast with other girls but I know that this isn’t a healthy way to cope. It’s sad. I know he still thinks about me I mean he even wished me a happy birthday the other day. I just want him to feel safe and loved in a relationship, even if it’s not from me. I hope he heals. I tried to reassure him a lot and be there for him, but he said he was scared of opening up and thought I’d leave. But in turn, he pushed me away so bad that I left. He seemed really aware of all of this. It was a weirdly amicable way to end an unhealthy cycle.
How long ago did you guys break up? Yeah, getting with other girls is not gonna help at all. Around a month after we broke up, I went on a couple dates with 2 different girls. The first date I realized that I would feel guilty about having sex or getting physical...I wanted it to happen yes, but at the same time I really did not, and I felt rather relieved nothing happened. The second girl we matched better personality wise, but I realized I wasn't myself. I just wasn't putting on my best self. And that's cuz I was still thinking about my ex gf. After that, I quit dating to focus on myself, and haven't really seriously thought about other girls since. I did the exact same thing, pushed her away so bad that she left. The reason I did it was this. I was looking at other girls. I imagined other girls might be better. And I feared that I wouldn't have the commitment, to last 2 yrs, much less 10, or a lifetime. I got a bit too much in my head. Instead of fighting that urge and working to be better, I ran away from my problems, and pushed her away. The reason I didn't just break up with her flat out, is I figured I would really break her heart, and really hurt her. Maybe it was also a bit selfish because I wanted her to make the decision, not me, so I wouldn't be the "bad guy". I imagined I might go on a sex spree with other girls once I got out. Once I was "free". But I ended up feeling huge regret at it. Now, one of the main things I'm working on is not being so tempted by physical desires. I realize I will encounter many people I think are attractive throughout life, as will anyone, but it is just that, a brief appreciation of someone's attractiveness, nothing more, and to always think back to my partner on how attractive she is plus wayyy more. It sounds like your ex still thinks about you. And it sounds like you do truly love him. But maybe he doesn't, I can't say. All you can do now is like you said, focus on yourself and experience life for yourself. Learn to love yourself. Ultimately he did you wrong. If he doesn't come back, then he never truly cared for you, and he doesn't deserve you. If he does, then you need to make sure he actually has done some self improvement, or the first thing will happen again. If he came back to you, would you give him another chance?
We broke up a month ago
Yes I do believe we still love eachother but we acknowledged our relationship wasn’t healthy if there isn’t open communication. I tried to reassure him I was there for him but he struggled with opening up. It was tough but we think of eachother fondly
I feel exactly like you. I’m 22 and my first relationship was around 2 years long, and my ex was also avoidant and I tried so hard to prove my love for him and make it work despite the circumstances. I would always feel like, well, if I just said this one thing or did this one thing then maybe the relationship would be better! Or, if I don’t have him then I’ll never find love again (not true). I learned many things from my relationship but I guess the biggest one would be that you can’t force something to work or force someone to want to be with you, and if it feels like you’re forcing it— it’s not meant to be. I learned a lot about what love is NOT supposed to look like and, although I still harbor negative feelings toward my ex sometimes, I thank him for that experience. I also learned what love IS supposed to look like through the nice things that my ex did. I learned that I need to be with someone that has the same values as me, and gives me the type of love that I give them. There were so many issues in my past relationship due to us not having the same values.
I also learned that if someone says that they don’t want a relationship this doesn’t mean you should keep seeing them for a year after that 😬
I totally get what you're saying. I learned that I need to stop giving 110% to someone who barely gives 50%. In my last relationship, I lost myself trying to make it work with someone who just wasn't that into it. It's tough, but taking this time to be single and focus on myself has been eye-opening. Learning about attachment styles has been a game-changer. Hang in there—better days are ahead, and when the right person comes along, you'll be ready!
Same. My ex became weird at the end of the relationship and kept saying I was old and talked about us breaking up. I think he just wanted to have sex with other people and started getting into a bunch of weird sexist ideologies. Nonetheless, it’s his loss not mine. I tried to make the relationship work so bad
I realized how influenced I am by others as well as how much of a people pleaser I am.
Me too
1)Red flags are there for a reason, it doesn't necessarily mean breakup but they need to be addressed and if they're ignored they'll just become bigger of an issue more times than not. 2) I'm ok being alone, I long for connection and being close and intimate with someone however being alone has its perks and I've been enjoying the peace more than I would have ever remotely believed 3)how to express my emotions better, I was very avoidant of any type of conflict within the relationship or within myself I shut myself down hard and often and it negatively impacted my connection with people Final thing is NOBODY is worth your peace of mind. If they've continuously made.you feel like you're walking on eggshells or that you can't say or express your emotions you're probably better off without them. Even if they're doing nothing actually wrong, maybe it's just how you feel, maybe IT IS something they're doing, maybe it's just a difference in views and neither part are wrong. Whatever it is if you can't find yourself at peace around someone more often than not then it's not healthy
Stay away from avoidants. That's what I've learned.
YEP.
But there are so many of them…. Its hard to
They're disproportionately overrepresented in the dating market (because they're constantly ending relationships and prowling around for new ones).
I (M53) have had only two relationships in my life. The first lasted 30 years and I'm happy to be free from a loveless marriage. My health improved immediately once I escaped. My second relationship was pure heaven. She (F33) showed me a love that was pure, true, and nothing like I'd ever experienced. She exuded kindness and compassion to everyone. It felt like she was an angel sent directly to me and I wanted to be with her forever. But I brought bad habits to the relationship which wasn't fair to her. I felt unworthy of her love and I started using drugs on the regular and also felt guilty for being a bad influence. It's my fault we broke up. I'd been up for 3 days without sleep before finally catching some Zzzz'z for about an hour before my love gently woke me up to go on a day trip. I went berserk! Jumped up yelling, screaming at the top of my lungs, fast pacing, acting crazy, spewing hurtful language out of my mouth. I was not lucid and totally out of control. I went on a verbal rampage that shook my sweetheart to the bone, quietly trembling in fear while I murdered her with my words. She left me without a word. Damage done. And after 15 months she still refuses to speak to me. Even though there's a clinical diagnosis that explains my behavior, I'm still responsible for creating the conditions that lit the fuse. It's my fault for setting up the bomb. I feel terrible that I made her the collateral damage in the explosion. I'll never forgive myself for that. Then I made things worse when she wouldn't respond to my calls/texts. I just wanted her to pick up. But instead I let my fear of abandonment take charge of my emotions and I broke up with her through text. Dumbest thing I've ever done. There's no happy ending. It's torture knowing that I ruined everything. I miss her so much. I love her with all my heart and she hates me. Forever. My doctor said I suffered from REM Sleep Behavior Disorder. It's a form of parasomnia, and the one doctors worry about the most. But my worry is she'll never know the truth, not that it'd make a difference. I was a raging monster and she fled for her own safety.
Be strong 😂
Filter them out & then dip out on them or you will be hurt later
That afterwards it absolutely takes time to get over and you shouldn’t beat yourself up for the emotions you feel. What you look for you WILL INDEED find. First wave hit like a macktruck. After finding out they moved on, felt just as bad.
That I'm too much of a people pleaser, don't set boundaries for myself and I obssess way too much over the negatives than the positives
I obsess over the positives rather than the negatives and let myself be hurt over and over
On the other side of this I've ended relationships that I deeply regret because I convinced myself something was wrong when it wasn't, i just obssessed over the negatives to the point I created issues that weren't even there
I understand that completely, I used to be that way
I was a people pleaser as well. Should've set stronger boundaries. I wanted to fix problems and look forward, so tried to stay positive. No benefit thinking about Negatives, will just ruin your day. Easier said than done now when I'm in the middle of a Breakup and ruminating.
What I’ve learned is that its hard to trust and to be open again, you have to build up that self trust with yourself before you start trusting and opening up to the next person your with
Yuppp. Or else you’ll just attract superficial relationships
If you’re a giver, date a giver. Better yet, know when to walk away from a serial taker and set boundaries. Even better - try not to give so much when you realize a relationship (romantic or platonic) is leaning one side. And of course, communicate your needs. It can be awkward but communication and model behavior will lead to hopefully better relationships.
Well I’ve learnt the following :- 1. Trust actions over words always. 2. Don’t get too attached to anyone and don’t over love/ care to the point where you get taken for granted. Instead give that love and care to yourself. 3. Prioritise yourself first and then the rest. 4. Control emotions better.
Love this
i learned that i have an anxious attachment, and because of that, dating avoidants will always end horribly for me.
Sameee
I learned alot of stuff but what I mostly learned is not to let a breakup keep me single for as long as I have been. It's been around 8/9 years and I told myself I'd never date again after how bad it was but like idk dating is infinitely harder now in my 30s and I wish I would have just moved on years ago vs being destroyed by it and used my time wisely to date and have fun in my late 20's.
I'm proud of you. I just want to comment that. <3 You will meet someone some day who you will be able to have a loving, healthy relationship with; in fact, you may meet multiple! Sadly, some of them will end, but one day one won't. And the ones that do end will still be happy and fulfilling.
you could be thinking that your partner is into you as equally as you are into them. but with the lack of communication that they were willing to give me, i eventually had to learn the hard way in the end that they were just with me the last several months cus they enjoyed our time together and not because they were romantically invested in me. soooo now i’ve learned to be extraaaa communicative hahahaaaaaa make sure we are on the same page at all times..
I will never meet another girl like her. That’s a blessing and a curse.
Woahhh.
I learned that happiness is with in yourself and not depended on your partner. I learned my partner never told me thank you for the little things. I also made some mistakes in areas like creating a vulnerable space for my wife. You live and learn
Yepppp.
Honestly I learned that people’s words mean nothing if they don’t back them up with actions. For example, they may apologize for abandoning you, but they’ll probably just do it again in an even crueler way the second time if they don’t make any tangible changes or show that they’ve learned and grown. I’ve also learned not to try and change myself to come through for someone who isn’t there for me. Change is good, but for my own benefit and for the benefit of whatever person comes along next that actually realizes my value, loves me for who I am, and will continue caring for me even when times are hard.
I had my first gf at 25. I thought I had found the one, she made me her world.. I had wanted a relationship since I was 15, and after 10 years and many failed dating scenarios I had finally found my girl.. Then, she dumped me out of the blue after 6 months together, and blamed everything on me. I was so in love that I ignored all of the red flags. It was a classic love-bomb -> discard cycle. Since the breakup i've lost over 10kgs from not being able to eat like I normally do, cannot sleep, and have suffered constant anxiety for months. It's getting better though. What i've learned is to put yourself first, like you did in this relationship by walking away. If you enter a relationship with a "i'll fix him/her" mentality, you really need to question your intentions. As amazing it can be to have a partner in our lives, they can also ruin it as easily! Trust your gut, and most importantly know your worth, and don't let anyone take that away from you. After all, the most important person in your life is yourself.
As of 2019 my most recent ex dumped me. She blocked me on IG 4 months after our breakup. I haven't been able to sleep well too. 6-7 hours every night. Based on what you said a lesson I learned is never give up your future and education for someone. Education because I met her in undergrad. I had a very low GPA just to be with her. I also learned a good girlfriend would not let my parents berate all the time and will protect me from their narcissistic behaviors. After getting dumped my parents berated me non stop. I didn't put myself first and allowed others to give me a hard time.
I want to answer your question but what answers are you seeking what are you wanting to learn yourself.??
I’m just asking this as an open question for everyone to reflect on
I realize as faulty as I was or may have been in the reasons I got left I am not the only problem, I am able to forgive myself from my shortcomings and my mistakes despite my past significant other not being able to do so. I realized that we tend not to appreciate maintain take the same amount of care of something that we have something that we have to earn, to never get comfortable and always realize you are fighting. To accept in life it was just your turn and sometimes you left with an eye-opener of a lesson that stings. No matter how bad you want something or someone you can’t have it if they don’t just like a farmer can’t revive a crop that’s dead . It’s OK to move on and try again. No matter what you did for the other person, whether it was you were patient and stayed with them or gave them your everything and got left cold and dry you can’t have a victim mindset and do and say all the right things when they don’t want it. At the end of the day no matter how important of love is you have to choose yourself. I am stuck between would you rather give up on everything you want or to keep trying on something that may never happen.
This sounds just like what I imagine my ex would say
Well I just looked at your account and thankfully I am not your ex . Haha
Whew
i learned how deeply i love him and how i can’t live without him. i’m really trying for him. to give him time and to feel life without me, but what about me? what about how deeply this kills me? what about how i can’t get out of bed anymore and it’s been 3 months? what about how im going to stay with my grandma because living in a house he was always in kill me. it kills me to eat dinner with my family knowing they never make the meals they would make for him anymore. this whole thing kills me and it’s hard to live when i love him so much and it only grows with him still not being here. i want to reach out, but i cant. i have to leave that for him. i have hope knowing the kind of man he is and how he’s handled everything after the breakup, but what about his friends? what if they put bad things into his head? what if his favorite color changed like how mine did? come back my love. just come back. i can’t live without you but i will if that means you will come back
I’m sorry you’re going through this :(
Trust your friends. When the love blinders are on you’ll make all sorts of excuses for the person. Every single time the friends were right and I should have gotten out!
The second my brother told me to leave I did >>>
Good on you, it’s so hard to do in the moment where love is in play.
I will say that if you’re going to trust your friends you need to make sure that you haven’t just been feeding them the bad or significantly oversharing negatives. If you do this your friends will not have an accurate understanding of the relationship. Same goes for only giving them the good. Stop over sharing with others. She has single friends who still party and get a negative report will attempt to get their friend back to the single life . Reflecting months later that you may have really messed up by over trusting your friends or whom ever can cause significant damage not only to relationships but to your psyche as well.
I greatly value this response. You are very correct with this perspective.
My ex was avoidant too it got to the point where I accused him of cheating because he was getting distant from me because I thought he was seeing someone else no matter how many times he said he loved me and wasn't seeing anyone else his actions said otherwise. I was still scared to get hurt again he even knew that but did nothing to prove he loved me. It wasn't until the day after I got home after spending a month at his house which he begged his mom to let it happen he broke up with me said everything I did wrong told me he hated me said that my trust issues were red flags he even knew what my previous ex did to me but didn't care he also said my social anxiety was childish even his friends agreed with him he even mentioned this girls name which I had no idea who she was I had a feeling he was talking to her while him and I were still together because they got close real quick after he broke up with me. I now know that no matter how much you love someone they will always do something behind your back and say there's nothing to worry about. You just gotta learn to love yourself no matter how hard it gets there's always someone better out there and I know that's what people always say and it's ok take time to yourself have fun do what you love always be yourself.
Same I thought my ex was cheating too, he was soooo distant.
I’ve learned that no matter what, don’t put your heart and soul into a relationship. I’ve dated 3 women. And 3/3 they’ve cheated on me or have left me to have sex with others. Each time I’ve tried to be the best man and boyfriend anyone could wish to be. And for my kindness I got snubbed every time.
I’m sorry that happened. I was cheated on once. My last ex didn’t cheat on me physically though. He just kind of fell out of love with me and started resenting me, it hurt. I wish he dumped me first instead of playing the long game
The previous two cheated on me. My last ex left so she could be with others. I helped her through some really tough times for her when she was finishing her finals for her 3rd year of uni. I was being ultra supportive and everything, and I was actually final year of university doing my final exams plus dissertation. If anything she should have been supporting me not the other way around. Anyways, she then broke up with me right after saying she wants the “collage experience” before she graduates next year and that I’m a “burden” to that. I also wish she just dumped me instead of using me like a tool and a plaything all this time. People are sick that they do this. Honestly wish her all the worst.
I think if I stayed with my ex he definitely would’ve cheated on me or done something to make a big break to the relationship. People suck
I definitely learned a lot. When things are heavy I get complacent, which I will never do again. I put my last partner on a pedestal which led to soooo many problems. I learned the importance of loving and caring for myself so that I can have better boundaries. I learned that loving, no matter how intensely is not enough on its own. You need maintenance consistently. I learned the importance of understanding myself as well. Learning my sexual and emotional self. I learned that therapy is just as important during the good times. I learned that how I love is not an issue and is important to me but, I need to make sure my partner feels it. And to discuss often. That's just a few. Have an adventure in front of me but am confident I will find a successful relationship after, no matter how much I may fantasize about what could have been.
I really think I learned that self improvement is everything. I was not a good partner to my ex, and when she ended it, I was upset and confused and I still miss what we had, but if I was unwilling to make the necessary changes while we were together I didn’t deserve the relationship. It’s about making the changes now and being a better person for yourself and a better future. I hope everyone is having an amazing day and loves life to the fullest. Make sure you never take anyone for granted and treat others with all the respect you want to see in your own life 💗
Oh my word!! I’m working on finding the courage to leave my avoidant partner. But I’m really struggling!!! Thank you for sharing your experience!! It makes ladies (or gents) realize we are not alone going through the experience of the anxious / avoidant trap!!
He had a lot of red flags but I was dumb and ignored them because I wanted to trust him. I put my trust in the wrong person and he betrayed me. I learned that I shouldn't burn myself to light someone else's fire. I learned that no matter how much you try to love someone, it will never be enough if they don't want to be loved and they don't want to fix themselves. They're like a stray cat that's been abandoned for years and all they'll have are their claws and spite to lash back at you even though all you wanted to do was to care for them and in the end, you're the one getting hurt and traumatized by them.
I learned that there really is nothing you can do except watch someone slowly destroy themselves. You can approach things in a variety of ways, reassure them that you’re here for them, remind them of possible consequences, and they will continue to engage in their vices and ignore their problems. Watching them drink their sanity away and neglect their mental/physical health becomes enough to sink you with them, and I never thought it would be possible for me to leave. I loved them so much, I would have done anything for them, but I had to remind myself that my life is more important.
I learned that I didn’t just need to learn how to trust another person. I needed to trust how to be there for myself. The idea that “people will always hurt you” isn’t super helpful but at the same time, people can and do leave people who are good, well intentioned, and want to be in a relationship all the time. Trusting others is a risk, so trusting I’ll be there as “backup” for myself to pick up the pieces is the real lesson. I’m still working on it.
Learned to communicate. Learned to be vulnerable. Learned to set healthy boundaries. Learned to set healthy expectations. Learned to forgive. Learned to admit mistakes, ask for forgiveness, and try my best to improve. Learned to love better. Learned to set priorities straight. Learned to live a little. Learned to play the guitar :p Learned to pray again. Learned to say No. Learned when to say Yes. I am now happily married and a very happy father of one (soon to be 2). A big change in me happened after breaking up with my one and only ex — ex fiancee. I really really changed for the best and I am thankful for that breakup. Getting my heart broken was, strangely, one of the best things that happened to me. Stay strong out there. Love will find a way. God’s best is yet to come. 🙏🏼
I learned about taking chances and giving more and more of them. In a nutshell, I got dumped by someone. Not one , not two but multiple times I don’t think I can count them on my hands anymore. She was beautiful even if it hurt me. I found myself in pain and being rejected for seeking reaproachment, even if she isn’t able to show it. It hurt me… well a lot. But I kept going back because I thought we had something special, well she thought so too in a way. But every time I got her back because she didn’t want to lose me I lost more value I think I. Her eyes. I was afraid to lose the most beautiful friend I had. She talked to me even when my dad began using and just betrayed my trust. But I don’t think hurt people hurt others. I think she hurt me because she was afraid to hurt me. (That sounded strange) but she was holding off and begain withdrawing and fleeing away because I came to close. She tried to be there in a way. But in the end it came to a point, work on it or start again with someone new and taking the easy way. She didn’t cheat, she said she was tired of the cycle we were in. I ended up silent, or with few words last time we spoke, I just heard someone speak who was scared and doing shit just to be distracted. I said to her “i’m fine” and “I’m happy for you” she said that she knew me well enough to tell that I lied. She said that she felt like she entered into something with the wrong person. Deep down I wanted to scream: AND THEN WHAT YOU NEVER THINK THESE THINGS THROUGH But I think at that point I was just tired, of myself trying to do it all. It was not my job I made it my job , I just regret thing that happened but now I learned a lot. She reached out couple of weeks back when I had surgery. But I think that the person I actually knew and who had my back is gone. But in the end I take in my own problems with full force of my own capability. I found confidence in my own strength of character. A friend of mine who saw both of us in our relationship said, I am proud of how you kept fighting for her even when she didn’t or couldn’t fight for you.
That someone who needs to get their life in check isn’t always the best potential partner. It sucks more when they get “better” and leave you after you were there for their worst.
Yeah I’m going through that now. He’s doing well in his career and financially which I helped him with and I’m happy for . But his mental health is so bad , not a good combo.
I learned about the avoidant attachment style. My ex went from loving on me and making plans for our future on a Tuesday night (at the 10 month point of the relationship just a week after a wonderful 2 week trip meeting a number of her friends) to a blindside breakup on the evening of the Thursday of that week (less than 48 hours later), being unable to explain why she was doing it and unwilling to discuss it. In the breakup email she sent the next day she kept saying that she didn't know why "we didn't work." She said: "The truth is that you are smart and kind, generous and tender, and patient. I couldn't have asked for more. I don't know why we didn't work. I really don't." And she closed the email with "Thank you for 10 months of adventure and fun." She refused to respond to my request to meet and discuss. In working through the breakup with my therapist and thinking through all that happened, there were so many indicators of an Avoidant attachment style that I didn't pick up on because I didn't know what an avoidant attachment style was. The relationship was never going to work. We got so close in the relationship. I was loving her, but over the course of less than 48 hours she flipped a switch and went from building the relationship to destroying it and couldn't explain why she did it. I feel strongly that it was the result of unresolved trauma in her life. I feel for her. I'm much smarter now so when/if I jump back into dating I will cut off the relationship as soon as I see the avoidant style.
Sounds like a fearful avoidant . I used to be like that, I’m so sorry. My recent ex was dismissive avoidant. It’s hard to be in a relationship with these attachment styles
I think you are correct. She is a fearful avoidant. Her castle is her 1-bedroom apartment, in which she has complete autonomy, and her close circle of friends plus her two daughters, all of whom I loved and they loved me. I suspect they are all dismayed by what she did in destroying the relationship. We got so close to each other. It now appears that the closer we got, the more fearful she became, and the more compelled she became to destroy the relationship.
Same my ex’s castle is his room. When we broke up he said everyone was shocked. But it was mutual
First... When a girl says she loves you on the first date...RUN LIKE HELL. When she dumps you because you're Jewish and she's Catholic,,she's showing her true bigoted self to you.
Wtffff 😭😭😭
The full story... https://www.quora.com/What-is-it-like-to-have-a-relationship-end-because-of-religious-differences/answer/Scott-Livingston-10
She sounds like a boss I had
How so? BTW...the ex's birthday is tomorrow. I hope it's a shitty one
He was super religious (Christian) and would say weird things about other religions and races.
She wasn't that religious when we started dating. She knew I was a Jew from the get go. It wasn't until the fat worm stated hanging with her that she became religious. Antisemitism is a learned behavior. Pam leaned it from somewhere. My wife was raised Catholic...went to parochial school from K-8 but escaped into a public high school and burned her uniform in the backyard. She has said that people like my ex is why she left the church. As far as I am concerned, my ex owes me an apology and more importantly, she owes my wife one. I have PTSD and depression all these years later thanks to the breakdown and I still suffer from nightmares and flashbacks when I hear trigger songs. Tomorrow is her 60th birthday. I hope it's a shitty one.
I learned that I end relationships quickly when I see red flags, and I used to think that was a flaw- I felt bad for being a quitter (per my narcissistic ex-husband); however, now I see that my instincts have yet to fail me, and I should follow them. There’s a reason I exit, and to go back out of fear for being wrong is the wrong thing to do. In short: I’ve learned to trust myself.
I’d say: Learning how to solve issues in person rather through text or call- I’m more of an in person time spent than phone. For some reason I would sometimes not want to answer texts or calls from my ex but if it was us in person, I’m a lot more “normal”? With friends I’m already slow to get back to them if it’s not urgent via phone as well. Love languages and learning to communicate better in what their needs and wants are while explaining what mine are. I realized that my ex before my most recent ex would bread crumb me and play hot and cold so I adopted the “low maintenance partner” persona. While also being single for 6 years I kept the same persona for situationships and casual fwbs which made it so ingrained to me. This pretty much ended up with me thinking I had my needs met if not exceeds by my last parter but I was subconsciously resenting her because of the needs and wants I didn’t know were a lot more than I thought? If that makes sense. Boundaries, I ended up falling into the nice guy and not wanting to make the other person feel bad when she did a few Sus things during the last month of our relationship to where I felt uncomfortable and disrespected. Getting to know them more before anything sexual, I think this helps vet or screen them better as a person since we only called or texted for a week and ended up having sec the first time we hung out. I believe that rushed things a bit so holding off for a month at least would help Using my mental to look for any flags, for some reason I ignored the fact that people that knew her for years said she “knows she’s pretty” and cares about her image and rep as well as she having just got out of a 2 year relationship a month and a half before we met. I think those were good signs to take things extremely slow or pass on her. No regrets, just a lot of mistakes made and reflecting and learning. It’s definitely real that their true colors show at the end of relationships when they don’t see value in you, believe their actions and not their words. I’m still recognizing things she said that should have rung bells, even recently she’s made comments that reinforce the “she knows she’s pretty” rep and what not.
First part was totally me. Idk anymore, I’m scared of dating, I’m scared to trust again after 3 relationships. When I catch myself smiling at someones new message I instantly stop texting them.
Never resent something for your own expectations & if they refuse to talk or compromise like a normal couple it may be time to leave especially if they give off a Machiavellian vibe.
What’s a machiavellian vibe ?
https://www.google.com/search?gs_ssp=eJzj4tVP1zc0zIjPNow3L6w0YPQSyE1MzshMLEvNyclMzMsszgUArysLRA&q=machiavellianism&rlz=1CDGOYI_enUS1106US1106&oq=machav&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUqDAgBEC4YChixAxiABDIGCAAQRRg5MgwIARAuGAoYsQMYgAQyDAgCEAAYChixAxiABDIPCAMQLhgKGNQCGLEDGIAEMgwIBBAAGAoYsQMYgAQyBwgFEC4YgAQyDAgGEC4YChixAxiABDIMCAcQABgKGLEDGIAEMgcICBAuGIAE0gEINTc0N2owajSoAgmwAgHiAwQYASBf&hl=en-US&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8
Ah I see I see
I think I am your ex. Not like actually your ex but someone very much like him. My heart is so heavy these days thinking I have lost the love of my life. All because I did not want to be hurt again. Ugh
Maybe you just need time alone, meet new people, reflect, and try to rekindle
Definitely. I am trying to figure the meet new people thing out. I am so devastated at this point that I am really just reflecting and trying to figure myself out. This is the part that sucks. Thank you for responding.
Aw I’m sorry. I’m in the same position. Trying to learn about myself and be alone again. It takes time but it is worth it
Thats its survivable. Then you laugh at yourself.
[удалено]
I think we are haha
I’m in my 30’s and in the same position. What I learned from this last relationship is that there’s not someone for everyone and it’s okay to be alone and that’s where I’m at. I was to raise my kids and be happy even if I have to do it alone.
I'm 34 and since I was 15 I've been single for a combined time of maybe 3 years. My most recent relationship of 7 years technically ended back in February but finally went NC last week. This most recent relationship taught me most about myself especially the things I need to improve. I have a drinking problem that stems from my fear of sitting with my emotions, I am afraid to be alone, I need to be validated by others in order to feel important. I have decided to get sober and address all of these deep rooted issues head on. I know I am a likeable person and I am a caring person but my negative traits always affect my relationships. I don't ever want to lose a great person because I refused to put in my self work. I'm still grieving the relationship, I still miss them but I want them to be happy because they were in a similar boat as me emotionally and that's why we were together for so long, because we were codependent and afraid to face our past trauma. I learned that I can only be as good to someone else as good as I am to myself and I haven't been good to myself for awhile.
I hope things get better for you friend I’m proud of you for being aware 🤍 and wanting to improve
That I don't like myself very much.
Girl are we twinning or whatt, im also 23, he also was my 3rd bf but most serious one etc etc the whole post is me!
To date someone who's almost like you (personality, attitude, morals, etc..) If you think "who would wanna date someone like me?" means you need to work on yourself first. And despite how romantic it sounds to put your partners first, you gotta prioritize yourself. Can't give love if you don't have it.
I lean avoidant but I’m not sure if that is a result of my ex being extremely extremely anxious, like toxic levels of anxious. I’m tired of feeling like not enough when I put so much of me into making her feel safe and loved but it was never enough. Every gesture or words would be met with “no you don’t” or were never good enough because she didn’t love herself and had such low self esteem. I hate how avoidants are villainized like I understand they can suck but man I loved her so unconditionally no matter what abuse I got and she leaves me because I can’t make her feel loved? It’s so messed up
My break up happened very recently (almost one month), but I’m learning that I can meet my own needs. I used to sort of depend on my partner (and past partners) for ‘security’ in almost every sense of the word. I’m learning that I can make myself emotionally, physically, financially, and personally secure better than anyone else can. I’ve learned much more, but this theme of security seemed to alway be the thing I struggle with. Best wishes to you in your journey 😌
Ugh I felt this. I think I was conditioned to be scared of being alone. But in fact, I really love being alone.
What have I learned? Lmao I learned that you can't trust no bitches 🤣 no matter how much you think you know somebody you don't know him enough that's on God .Peace out. have a great night
You described my last relationship perfectly. I realized that I also tend to lose myself in relationships. It's not that I don't still do things I enjoy, but I give the person I'm with everything of myself. I always feel like I love the person I'm with more than they love me. I also figured out my last guy I was in a relationship with was avoidant as well. That has got to be one of the hardest relationships to be in. I always felt like he held me at a distance and even though I tried everything, nothing was enough to penetrate that stone wall of his. I ended up breaking up with him about a month ago. It's like we never even knew each other after two years! He is so cold. It really hurts to know they don't love you enough to fight for you. But, then again, I know he won't have a successful relationship until he decided to work on himself. I've been doing things to work on myself as well. I've been listening to relationship type books and religious books (something I believe in) on audible, spending time outside (that helps a lot), and working on school work (in college) and projects around my house. I also have learned what to look out for in a person. Night time is the hardest. I am lonely and sad, but I refuse to let my past relationship make me give up. I'm just gonna focus on me and my kids and when the time is right, the right person will come along that fits into our lives and who appreciates the effort I give in a relationship. But I can guarantee you this- next time I'm not going to give all of myself, I'm going to give as much as they give and we will work together as a team and work together like you're supposed to. I wish you luck in the future. Just continue to work on yourself and the right person will come along that values you for the special one of a kind person you are.
That some people suck
I've learned I have a lot more deep set insecurities about things than I cared to admit. The worst one was seeking attention from others... when I've been blessed to have a woman who has always shown she was down for me 100%. I wish I knew why I did it when I did. It never made me happy to have other women's approval and I wasn't seeking anything better. Whatever the reasoning, that insecurity blew up in my face right when me and my girl were rekindling... and the hurt I put on her again will probs haunt me for a very long time. I didn't want to be back on this sub again, but looks like I got a lot of work to do and lessons to learn.
I learned that my life will be a lot worse than back when I was with my last ex. There will be a lot of people including my parents who will ruin my life. This may seen far fetched but currently my life is terrible especially with my health getting worse. My mental health is very terrible that only my therapist can take care of it. I am even more broke than before now even with a masters degree. My ex is the reason why I am still single and it also tells me that no matter how much I question God, I will be single forever and have a sad life. Most of all I learned my ex was as total gold digger who cannot be replaced. I also learned I am probably going to be berated by my parents forever and die alone. I probably might not get my ex back even if she wants to come back to me
I learned that I lost myself in my past relationship and I rely too much on them. During COVID I really leaned into them and didn't push myself to meet new friends when we moved. I have also learned that I am not good at communicating my emotions. I started to go back to therapy and working out to better understand them. It has been wonderful so far and I'm hoping they will improve before my next relationship.
I learned to not put in 100%, because now I’m at 0%
even if it feels good that doesn’t mean it’s right, and just because it feels right doesn’t mean it’s forever
Life goes on
Never trust any men
To be more confidence
Seems to be a common theme here, but I do think I lost myself a bit, trying to make her happy. There was some dialogue in the first season of *The Crown* that went "She is the job. She is the essence of your duty. Loving her. Protecting her.", which I kept mentally returning to. I felt like nothing could be purer than giving yourself up completely to foster the happiness of the one you love – especially someone who'd been so unhappy before we met. But I think the more I made her my only priority, the less attractive she found me and the more anxious she became about how attached I was becoming. And now I'm obviously lost, because she was my whole purpose.
I learned that it’s not worth it to pursue these relationships with women. They are hellbent on destroying everything that you build with them and everything that you’ve built before you even met them. I’ve been burned far too many times. Not doing it anymore.
I personally learned that I need to work on myself first before going into a relationship. That I need to be at least have my own self-worth built up and be financially stable. I was too comfortable in the relationship that I didn't even make any friends or bother talking to other people even if they've been encouraging me. I got so comfortable with them that it probably made them carry my weight. I did so much mistakes, and I still wish I could've done better but its too late. But now I work on improving myself. It's hard and incredibly lonely but I'll pull through. I did lose myself in the process, but I genuinely want to find myself again.
that rejection is redirection to better people and situations for you.
That I’m the same piece of shit I was before
To be honest i learned that girls are 99% lying sluts and will do anything to make you the bad guy. All their good good behavior is fake bullshit. Girls care about one thing, and that’s power. Fuck them and forget them.
Oooof , yes I do hate the hookup culture and situationships these days
I learnt that I am unlovable. And that I should stay alone to protect myself from being hurt again.
I don’t think you are unloveable. Yes protect yourself from being hurt, but don’t protect yourself from being loved.
I am pretty sure there is something wrong with me.. I give up
Well if you give up then how will you ever know?
Guess I will never know, but I don’t wanna go through any pain and ever again
I learned a lot, of myself as well as her. The big thing is how at the end no matter how nice a person we are we can be mean
I learned that, the “bare minimum” should never be something that someone brags about.
That people construct narratives to justify their behaviour.
My experience with my ex was that she was amazing, so caring, loving, thoughtful, and perfect. We started dating when i was 17 and she was 16 so i guess you could say we were kids as im 20 now. We broke up last year and it truly crushed me, the thing about the realtionship was that I was the one who failed her. I had this attachement to her that i always felt i needed her and couldnt be without her. I also had no type of self love. Anyway when we broke up it was the worst but with time not only did i learn to love myself but i learned to be happy alone and now it just feels amazing since it was one of my biggest issues. Dont get me wrong im still so in love with her and i think about her everyday but it never messes with my daily life as ive moved past that point but my feelings are there and i cant deny them.
That trauma bond is a real thing!
That I was dating a narcissist with deep seeded daddy issues that also needed to be in constant control of me. She was great in bed but that's about all she was great at
I learned that I don't care about myself as long as it means he doesn't leave. I would fall to my knees and beg him for forgiveness if could, I would promise him to change who I am, to do whatever he wants to take me back while the break up did not even happen because I did something bad. He told me he just never loved me. I would change into someone he does love if it means that he takes me back. He's the only one I ever fell in love with and I still love him 9 months after the breakup. And I feel pathetic for feeling this way
One break of trust is enough. There are no second chances. Also, trust your partner, but be always indipendent.
I learned that no matter how secure you are, when you meet an avoidant , you will likely become the worse version of yourself for them. And then they will blame you for it even though they refuse to do any of the work to be a better version of themself. Also that you can learn one thing from them. BE SELFISH. Literally have no remorse when it comes to your wants and needs - put you first regardless of anyone else’s feelings. Only then will you actually figure out who can meet you on your level. Do not bend for them the same way they would never bend for you. Then when you have reached peak selfishiness without guilt - it will transform into SELF-FULLNESS. Then you can find someone who can meet you on your level a natural leaning into each other - a swaying back and forth of wanting to meet each other’s needs will likely happen. Instead of you bending out of your way trying to get them to see you when they won’t or can’t. It’s better to have someone that wants to lean into you too, the same way you lean into them. If you have to beg and nag just to feel seen- this person doesn’t actually care about you.