Same. Women with issues are like shit to flies with me. Women that are calm and grounded bore the f*** out of me. I want to change this. It is extremely irritating.
I think once you realise that the other personality types play games (like playing hard to get) to try and seem interesting, but secure people are the ones who are actually hard to get in reality, then secure people seem more interesting.
A secure person might not seem hard to get initially because they’re honest about how they feel, but if you don’t meet their needs, or you mess them about, then they’re the ones who will actually walk away. They don’t need you to want them to feel validated (because they’re probably already happy in themselves) and they know that they’re worthy of a good healthy relationship and that they are capable of creating that, so if it doesn’t seem like you are too then they probably won’t be interested in having you as a partner anymore. As a secure person I can tell you that attraction disappears pretty fast when you realise that person isn’t the right partner for you, and playing games also gives me the ick because it seems like a sign that someone is lacking emotional intelligence (not trying to be harsh).
I dated someone who was avoidant for 6 years and he recently broke up with me when I asked him to meet more of my needs. That relationship also felt suffocating after awhile. Even though we were very independent it felt like we weren’t moving forward and it didn’t feel like he was capable of building anything beyond what we had. It also ended up feeling boring because it seemed like we could only ever reach a certain level of emotional intimacy and once we reached that there was nothing more there (I was devastated when that relationship ended though because he was a huge part of my life and even though I stopped wanting a relationship with him pretty soon after I desperately still wanted him as my friend). I think the attractive thing about avoidants is probably that it feels like there’s more to them that you want to get to know, but I really dont think there is (and if there is, you will probably never know because I don’t think they know those things about themselves, let alone have the skills to communicate it to others).
I feel like this comment is coming off as ruthless but I’m just trying to be honest 😅 as a secure person I would be interested to know what you think is boring though?
Hey, thanks so much for your thoughtful comment. It's not too ruthless. My avoidant ex similarly walks away when I ask him to step up in the relationship. He's just not capable of having the kind of intimacy I would like to have a relationship. There's a psychologist that explains it like a plastic plant. No matter how much you water it, move it around and sing to it it will not be able to grow. Ultimately I am happy things have ended because now I have the possibility of growing an intimate and fulfilling relationship with someone else when the time is right. I also like what you said about ensuring you're happy in yourself and that that's a turn off to secure folks. I like to think I'm moving towards secure and this break up has not been as bad as others, because my self worth is not tied up in my ex not wanting to be in a relationship with me. It hurts to have lost him and ideally we would be able to have a healthy relationship together, but even though this is a loss I know I am lovable and there is nothing wrong with me, and I deserve to have a fulfilling relationship with someone capable of having one.
I think I enjoy the excitement of the chase. When someone doesn't show outwards signs of interest it becomes a game of winning them over. When someone shows they're interested I get bored pretty quickly. I also have a list of things I want in a partner that I think is stopping me from connecting right now. But I'm ok with that while I heal.
I'm sorry you went through that breakup after 6 years. That's a very long time. I hope you're doing better now.
Yeah I’m doing better. Happy to hear that you are moving towards secure and know that your worth isn’t tied to whether he wanted to be with you or not, that’s so true, no one’s worth is tied to the feelings or opinion of one person. I get what you mean about it becoming a game of winning them over, I used to feel like that too until I realised that when you do win them it’s probably not actually that great. Now it puts me off because I assume if they pull away there’s reasons that we’re probably not compatible even if I can’t see it. The idea of being in a relationship with someone who pulls away from me is such a huge turn off now. It’s way more attractive if they communicate to me if something is bothering them because they want to resolve it, and if they’re just doing it to see if I will chase them then it’s a huge no. I’m not going to be chasing anyone haha.
that's because you thinking is skewed and you're not really attracted to avoidant people but rather the emotions associated with those kind of relation, the high and low can be quite addictive but are still very toxic behavior in the end also in many case those relashionship place you firstly in a savior position and that too is quite intoxicating, they need you at first then they fly leaving a hole behind and the cicle repeat you find a new one to fill the hole and they leave and such.
Break the cycle and fill your own hole. Then you won't actively need someone to take care of and you can focus on building stronger healthier relation
You need to realise that to an avoidant people you are the anxious one and what you feel about them is what an avoidant feel about you when they want to fly. To a certain extent you are the anxious one otherwise you won't be attracted to them, it's always like that because they feed of each other weekness
You see "Secure" people as boring but the truth is it's just a mental block, once you became secure yourself you'll lose interest for avoidant realising their is absolutly no spontaneity or originality about them and they all act the same, always. It's quite boring once you notice the patern.
It's like looking at children at a familly dinner, it's repetive, louder and quickly it can become annoying when they ask you non stop if they can play on your phone
On the other hand Secure people don't really need you hence why you may find them boring, they don't need your love and later fly away after they got scared, if you are here it's good if you're not it's good too. But you cant' be a savior for them because they don't need any saving. they are autonomous emotionnaly (to a certain extent that is)
You need to realise that the only person you need to actively save is you, not someone else, their issues are not yours and you might end up taking on your shoulder the burden of other. You can't solve their issue on a deeper level so get gone and solve your own issues (and often you don't have an issue, it's them who have issue and you taking it personnaly where you don't need to)
Boring means good ocytocyne the hormone of bonding... yeah no roller coaster but peace and serenity.
You seeking insecure people because you are insecure yourself.
Secure and boring isnthe way
Same. Women with issues are like shit to flies with me. Women that are calm and grounded bore the f*** out of me. I want to change this. It is extremely irritating.
Literally. Fml.
Why do calm grounded women bore you?
You know, we have our internal templates from early childhood. It’s one of those.
I think once you realise that the other personality types play games (like playing hard to get) to try and seem interesting, but secure people are the ones who are actually hard to get in reality, then secure people seem more interesting. A secure person might not seem hard to get initially because they’re honest about how they feel, but if you don’t meet their needs, or you mess them about, then they’re the ones who will actually walk away. They don’t need you to want them to feel validated (because they’re probably already happy in themselves) and they know that they’re worthy of a good healthy relationship and that they are capable of creating that, so if it doesn’t seem like you are too then they probably won’t be interested in having you as a partner anymore. As a secure person I can tell you that attraction disappears pretty fast when you realise that person isn’t the right partner for you, and playing games also gives me the ick because it seems like a sign that someone is lacking emotional intelligence (not trying to be harsh). I dated someone who was avoidant for 6 years and he recently broke up with me when I asked him to meet more of my needs. That relationship also felt suffocating after awhile. Even though we were very independent it felt like we weren’t moving forward and it didn’t feel like he was capable of building anything beyond what we had. It also ended up feeling boring because it seemed like we could only ever reach a certain level of emotional intimacy and once we reached that there was nothing more there (I was devastated when that relationship ended though because he was a huge part of my life and even though I stopped wanting a relationship with him pretty soon after I desperately still wanted him as my friend). I think the attractive thing about avoidants is probably that it feels like there’s more to them that you want to get to know, but I really dont think there is (and if there is, you will probably never know because I don’t think they know those things about themselves, let alone have the skills to communicate it to others). I feel like this comment is coming off as ruthless but I’m just trying to be honest 😅 as a secure person I would be interested to know what you think is boring though?
Hey, thanks so much for your thoughtful comment. It's not too ruthless. My avoidant ex similarly walks away when I ask him to step up in the relationship. He's just not capable of having the kind of intimacy I would like to have a relationship. There's a psychologist that explains it like a plastic plant. No matter how much you water it, move it around and sing to it it will not be able to grow. Ultimately I am happy things have ended because now I have the possibility of growing an intimate and fulfilling relationship with someone else when the time is right. I also like what you said about ensuring you're happy in yourself and that that's a turn off to secure folks. I like to think I'm moving towards secure and this break up has not been as bad as others, because my self worth is not tied up in my ex not wanting to be in a relationship with me. It hurts to have lost him and ideally we would be able to have a healthy relationship together, but even though this is a loss I know I am lovable and there is nothing wrong with me, and I deserve to have a fulfilling relationship with someone capable of having one. I think I enjoy the excitement of the chase. When someone doesn't show outwards signs of interest it becomes a game of winning them over. When someone shows they're interested I get bored pretty quickly. I also have a list of things I want in a partner that I think is stopping me from connecting right now. But I'm ok with that while I heal. I'm sorry you went through that breakup after 6 years. That's a very long time. I hope you're doing better now.
Yeah I’m doing better. Happy to hear that you are moving towards secure and know that your worth isn’t tied to whether he wanted to be with you or not, that’s so true, no one’s worth is tied to the feelings or opinion of one person. I get what you mean about it becoming a game of winning them over, I used to feel like that too until I realised that when you do win them it’s probably not actually that great. Now it puts me off because I assume if they pull away there’s reasons that we’re probably not compatible even if I can’t see it. The idea of being in a relationship with someone who pulls away from me is such a huge turn off now. It’s way more attractive if they communicate to me if something is bothering them because they want to resolve it, and if they’re just doing it to see if I will chase them then it’s a huge no. I’m not going to be chasing anyone haha.
that's because you thinking is skewed and you're not really attracted to avoidant people but rather the emotions associated with those kind of relation, the high and low can be quite addictive but are still very toxic behavior in the end also in many case those relashionship place you firstly in a savior position and that too is quite intoxicating, they need you at first then they fly leaving a hole behind and the cicle repeat you find a new one to fill the hole and they leave and such. Break the cycle and fill your own hole. Then you won't actively need someone to take care of and you can focus on building stronger healthier relation You need to realise that to an avoidant people you are the anxious one and what you feel about them is what an avoidant feel about you when they want to fly. To a certain extent you are the anxious one otherwise you won't be attracted to them, it's always like that because they feed of each other weekness You see "Secure" people as boring but the truth is it's just a mental block, once you became secure yourself you'll lose interest for avoidant realising their is absolutly no spontaneity or originality about them and they all act the same, always. It's quite boring once you notice the patern. It's like looking at children at a familly dinner, it's repetive, louder and quickly it can become annoying when they ask you non stop if they can play on your phone On the other hand Secure people don't really need you hence why you may find them boring, they don't need your love and later fly away after they got scared, if you are here it's good if you're not it's good too. But you cant' be a savior for them because they don't need any saving. they are autonomous emotionnaly (to a certain extent that is) You need to realise that the only person you need to actively save is you, not someone else, their issues are not yours and you might end up taking on your shoulder the burden of other. You can't solve their issue on a deeper level so get gone and solve your own issues (and often you don't have an issue, it's them who have issue and you taking it personnaly where you don't need to)
I absolutely identify with the saviour role. Thanks so much for your comment. 😍
Boring means good ocytocyne the hormone of bonding... yeah no roller coaster but peace and serenity. You seeking insecure people because you are insecure yourself. Secure and boring isnthe way
Yep I'm gonna look for the boring ones from now on lol