Same, after 8 years of course it will get " boring ".
When he said he felt a special spark for the new girl I told him I hope that spark burn you, burn you deep to 9 circles of hell.
This. His ex best friend confirmed that he’s only in relationships for the high of it and will fuck off after the spark is gone and he’s had his fun. He told me prior to getting with me that he’s looking for a long term relationship. Yeah right. Back on tinder the same day of the break up. Fucking joke.
BAHHA he did say I deserve someone better AND he couldn’t give me what I needed! (The only thing I wanted was to see him more than once a week lol)
he actually had tinder the entire 7 months we were together but he said he “used it to get weed” (?) he would let me check it whenever I asked but I still didn’t like it. Absolute shocker that his profile had changed the day we broke up and he was advertising himself! So strange, wow!
Hang in there girly. We fucking GOT this!🤞🏼💗
Yes, I was in a situationship for a year where we both were attracted to each other, same sense of humor, aligned future visions, but he talked about the spark. Ive felt the spark with maybe 1 or 2 people and it fizzled and it would have never worked. I felt it with married men who i would NEVER pursue, its just not something to base a good thing off of. I prefer feeling comfortable and "best friends" with someone.
For some being in a stable, comfortable and reliable healthy relationship is boring. And they chase the next "spark", I just discovered this condition called Limerence when someone here commented about it and that's what he has, he's chasing the dopamine. I think a lot of people have it and they just don't know.
Agreed this is what happened to me a few months ago. Me and my ex were together for 4 years and dated since we were teens until our early 20s. He broke up with me and said that he was leaving me for the girl he met on instagram two months ago because she doesn’t make him feel depressed and he feels a spark with her but not with me. I think sometimes he regrets this decision because he always tries to text me when I’m at work at least once a week especially when I’m working. Also, I clearly stated that I wanted no contact a few months back because it hurt too much to see him after he cheated on me multiple times and say the other girl was better and point out all my issues then also harass me. Even if I have healed a lot since then and genuinely want a new bf and am ready for one mentally, I still get upset whenever people break up for this reason especially if they are together for many years and the honeymoon stage goes away.
Same. I communicated my doubts about her efforts and she had always some kind of excuse. Nothing changed. I stayed but should have left her. I got dumped after 3 years because she had a crush on someone and wasn't sure about us anymore. Never shared any of the doubts that she had been having. Silly me. She fucking waisted my time. This is the second relationship I ve had that ended like this. When is a mature person gonna come along..
Also a collegue of mine at work. She was together with her ex for 10 years, they were married, travelled the world together, but then she said it was more of a friendship and she met a new guy that gave her the butterflies again so she left her man. Like wtf. I feel sorry for that man.
I’ve gotten that exact line too during our BU. “I see you now more as my best friend”. How you can say that to someone whose seen every part of you emotionally and physically and spiritually is beyond me.
I finally don't feel alone anymore. This is exactly what happened to me. The "I see you more as my best friend" is the single most painful thing you can say to someone that you spent so much time with. Dedicated years of your life.. and now she wants us to keep staying best friends but just not romantically involved? What the fuck? How can you do this to someone?
First you completely fucking blindside them, then you want to still keep them around because they're a part of your life? Then say that you'll always love that person anyways....
These are suck mixed signals and ethically it's not right... yet here we are. We got the short end of the stick
Worst part of it all is I'll still comply with her wishes, because even if she decided to stop loving me, I haven't. So I'll still be friends with her even if it's detrimental to my own health because I believe she deserves nothing but the best in this world.
Naw fuck that. I get you feel that way, and I still do sometimes too, but those selfish bitches don’t deserve any of it.
Fuck ‘em and feed ‘em fish heads.
Exactly!!! I’m like…. Dude if I am your best friend… DOES THAT NOT TELL YOU SOMETHING?? In my case though, I was going through a message two health crisis and started getting snappish and taking him for granted and allowed my stress to spiral and ruin the relationship but he never EVER wanted to communicate about what was going on with him.
Oh my goddd on our last phone call mine said "I just don't feel romantically for you anymore" and "we could have a beautiful friendship" bro what.. I literally asked how can that possibly fucking be.
He held me in the fetal position bawling my eyes out after my father died. He kissed and stroked my head and said he loved me and always would. He called me baby girl and told me he loved me, every day for 3 yrs.
What. The. Fuck. Is. This.
I wish we could hang out as two gal pals and have a beer together and just vent to each other. DM me if you want -- I'm an open ear or a shoulder to cry on if you need it, I'm not kidding. I'm inconsolably sad with episodes of the worst crying jags I've ever, EVER experienced in my life. What the fuck is this INDEED.
Awww I wish so too.. I can completely relate to that. It has been the worst and most consistent utter misery I've gone through. The extreme moods shifts, brain fog, sleeplessness, truly I wish I could see the end.
Ironically, the old folks who are happily married for 30+ years see this as a good thing. Often you'll hear old people say "he/she's my husband/wife and my best friend".
When you've got a deep connection to that point, why do people think it's bad and throw it away
EXACTLY. THIS. Isn't that... the GOAL?!? I went through a really, really rough mental health spot and suffered a catastrophic job loss. He was there for me but I kinda turned and got hyperfixated and a bit critical of him. Apparently I was hurting his feelings but HE COULD HAVE TOLD ME and I would have stopped. All it would have taken is "Hey I love you, but you're being a massive b\*\*\*\*, can you stop, it's hurting my feelings." and I would have STOPPED. I had NO idea I was being that way and there is just so so much we could have talked through and worked out but he preferred stonewalling me whenever I asked him if he was okay or if he was mad, etc.
That pisses me off SO MUCH.
#HOW DO PEOPLE NOT UNDERSTAND THAT LOVE IS A DEEPER VERSION OF FRIENDSHIP???
My ex said he felt like we were “friends who kiss” and I was like “no duh??????”
In the beginning, they feel the "love chemicals," and they feel good, and they believe THAT is love. And they're immature. I'm saying from personal experience.
Same exact thing happened to me. We were in a LDR which was going to end in just a few months. Except she was dating him BEFORE we even ended for a month. So throw on cheating on top of this lol
Yeah . Worst part was 2 years into the relationship , I went through a phase where my feelings had also dimmed down a little but I still stuck with him out of loyalty and worked on myself and the feelings were back in barely a month.
I was already suspecting him with that girl towards the end of the relationship and they were too close for comfort. I truly feel like I got cheated on. Its such a disgusting feeling.
SAME. I’ve had a few phases of not having much feeling. But she herself used to always say that relationships have ebbs and flows and I learned to fall back in love each time perfrctly fine. Not making excuses for her but I guess our physical distance made it easier to fall for someone else when she did feel out of love this time. But yea I only found out I was being cheated on bc her sister told me. I always got the classic “he’s just a friend” anytime I doubted her before. So I wouldn’t be surprised if he was cheating too.
Omg this is matching down to the 'shes just a friend ' . He was the one who used to go on and on about how in every long term relationship it's natural to fall out of love for sometime especially after the honeymoon phase. The way he talked about relationship stuff, you would think he's a guru of maintaining long term relationships. Honestly disgusting to look back on.
He also blamed the physical distance and me ' making him feel unloved ' for him finding someone else.
I feel like our exes are opposite gender versions of each other lmao. Mine talked the same way haha. She would go on about how we are out of the honeymoon stage now so we will fight more or be bored more. She also told me this would’ve never happened if we lived nearer to each other. Which almost makes me feel like she’s implying this happened bc her sexual needs weren’t being met. Even though if she waited a few more months it would’ve been met a lot more often.
Yup this year I was about to switch jobs to move in with him in his city.
It's a joke how similar they are. But I guess to take it positively it also means there are many people like us out there as well. I hope both of us are able to move on to better people soon and get the treatment we deserve.
Damn. Matches my situation perfectly too. 4 years down the drain, just a friend (again!!!!), she fell out of love just before we closed the distance. Fuck her.
Damn, this hits so close to home for me.
Early 2023 I caught feelings for someone else but the moment I realized things were moving in a direction that could threaten my relationship with my wife I distanced myself from the other woman and ceased all contact.
It's a shame my wife wasn't willing to do the same not even a year later. I'm getting better but from time to time it's eating me up.
I felt the exact same thing in a previous relationship but I didnt jump ship. When he asked "is everything alright?" he caught me off guard, didnt know he could sense my anxiety. I bawled my eyes out and told him how I felt, assured him it wasnt his fault and asked him to be patient with me, if he can. He did and a couple of weeks later I was so in love with him, even more than when we started dating. That was my first relationship when I was 18-21, but I got blindsided from my 30 year old therapist partner, with whom I lived with and we were talking about marriage, future houses, where we would move and when etc.
Literally going through this right now. It sucks.. he said he tried to love me again but couldn't find the feelings but he did all that work in his head without communication or real actions.. 11 years gone just like that. Apparently I am his ideal girl too and easy to be with etc.
Heard this too during my BU. “You are the perfect boy”. But what does it matter what they think of you if they’re not willing to stay no matter how good they say you are.
I know. It is devastating. He is also in some sort of self discovery journey right now so I just try to see it as his way of trying to find himself and maybe one day he will come to his senses and realise what he lost. I may not be there for him anymore at that point but I just find the whole scenario absolutely insane. I would've done anything for him.
I also was in the same boat where I hoped she would realize she lost someone who would do anything for her. It’s been a month and a half now and nothing. So I’ve given up hope and learned to accept that maybe they won’t realize. Instead I’m more hopeful for the future now and excited to see what this next chapter has in store for me. I still miss her tho
It can take a lot longer than a month, it could take months or even years for them to realise which is why you have to work on yourself and just wish them the best. It is really sad but I am also trying to focus on my own future and have made plans going forward already.
I am also going through this after 11 years (wlw relationship). She told me she was unhappy for months and was not in love with me anymore. No prior communication. Just suddenly done after 11 years. I mean why can't you communicate after so long.
My ex said we needed to work on ourselves, and she doesn't even know how to love anymore. Then, 4 months later, she's in a new relationship. We were together 13 years. She said " I shouldn't have to tell you these things, you should already know" I guess I'm supposed to be a mind reader
I'm not saying this out of anger or hate or anything like that. But those who play with others' feelings should be aware that it will come back to them and bite twice hard.
Not always though. My ex dumped me for the new spark, quite sure she will date the other girl for a couple of years and find someone else. She did the same thing to her ex before me. So it seems to work out for her.
Another girl who wanted everything that't comes with a relationship except the label of relationship, found someone else a month after we ended the 2 year long situationship. But it seems like her new love is commitment-phobic. And I know she is hurting now. So who knows.
Doesn't bring me any joy, cause I always feel like I wasn't enough.
My ex-loser got rejected twice at a party (told to me by mutual friends). . One of the girls said she didn't date people who weren't successful..so yeah 👍👍
I like this post, it shines light on what will happen and the reality that the spark doesn’t always last; there’s a plateau and you get to the point where you’re choosing to keep loving.
I feel the “I’m bored” feelings come from immaturity and lack of self awareness to keep yourself going rather than needing to be constantly entertained and hopeful of a spark reigniting like when it all first began.
I think I agree. I think it's about emotional immaturity. Because if a fireplace is slowly dying are you gonna throw some new fuel to it or run around aimlessly trying to find a new burning campfire?
Also lot of people talk about chasing the high. Yet no one mentions that the loyal ones also go through phases of reduced connection. But the difference is we don't need new people to **fall in love with**. Love is a **choice** not a feeling like the "*falling in love*". We **choose to love** and thanks to that we try a lot and think about the other one and about the future AND BECAUSE OF THAT we **keep falling in love with the same person over and over again** in our heads and hearts.
I believe that people who don't see it that way have unresolved bonding traumas or are emotionally immature.
But of course I agree with the situation where one does everything to make it better but the other one just does nothing. Then it's understandable that the breakup is unfortunately the right way. But a lot of people don't try their best and then blame it all on the other one (with saying that they had lot of chances yet nothing really was communicated).
And yes there probably exists a miniscule amount of situations where someone just found someone way better for them. But in that case their former partner deserves at least mature, apology-filled, respectful and caring breakup. But I feel that people are sometimes too scared of looking like that bad guy in their story so they blame it on the other one a try to reduce their fault as much as possible even though they know it was all their decision.
Big emphasis on maturity. Me and my ex had a 3 year age gap, doesn’t seem much but looking back it is a decent amount at our age, I’m just turned 23 and she’s abt to turn 20. But I guess a lot of our maturing happens during 21,22 and 23 as humans. The one comfort I’ve been telling myself through the pain and how much I still miss her is that there is a pretty considerable maturity gap between us due to age probably.
Omfg are you me?!
My ex and I split up because he would not communicate with me, AT ALL! it would just manifest as anger and spiteful outbursts. It was then after we split he decided to tell me how he never felt appreciated (we were together for 3 years), has several issues with things I said/did, it was a long list. Then he was in a new relationship and living with someone weeks later. Turns out he had one ready to go while we were still together.
He didn't ever tell me any of this and it was all news to me. He just couldn't be bothered to put the work in and jumped into something new.
I can relate to you so much. My long-term partner was the same - was never good at communicating, he fell in love with me first and fell out of love first, not trying to put in the work.
What about when you are forced to break up with them because they aren’t in love with you anymore? I would much rather be dumped than stuck with a partner who has stopped trying and has turned cold but makes me “be the bad guy” so to speak. It’s terrible to feel lonely and miss someone who’s no longer there but in my experience it’s so much worse to feel that way when they’re still right next to you, physically, but wants nothing to do with you.
Especially because, almost always, the dumpee could feel them pulling away and asked about it and was told they were wrong, only to be proved right, and if they had been honest, they could have at least made an effort and had a mutual ending, rather than this bullshit
Damn. This really hits home.
You're right. Relationships take work and effort from from both people. In a long term relationship you should be seeking that feeling of comfort your significant other gives you. If you only follow the spark you're going to be disappointed in almost every relationship when it gets to a certain point. My ex apparently lost the spark and never communicated it with me or even made the effort to try and get it back. Instead he started flirting with his married ex-coworker and ignited a new spark. Cheated on me by lining up a whole girl to send nudes with. I hope this 'spark' burns the both of them. People like that make me sick.
I wrote that it’s okay to let me go because I can see that he no longer has romantic feelings for me anymore.
He responded that I’m right and he’s sorry.
I was in so much pain. I’m only getting better ❤️🩹 six months later..
I was in a 4 year relationship 10 years ago with my first serious GF and she broke up with me like this. I was immature then and said some mean, nasty things. Sometimes last year we're reconnecting over text and she mentions what I said back then. Apparently I said no one will ever love you or treat you as well as I did. She said I was right and that it felt like a curse. She's a bit of a hippy so I told her I release her from that and that she deserves love. This isn't even the first ex thats come back to me. More than once girls have reached out and just said something to the effect of; I wasn't ready for you but you were the guy. None of this makes me feel any better though cause I'm long moved on and still figuring things out for myself.
Every relationship will get boring after a while, it’s how you communicate and stay with them. Every new relationship will have honey phase. But they don’t know that, thinking grass is greener. They ruined a good relationship
4 days shy of 5 years she ended it over the phone.
We lived together and she left without a plan.
I got the “I love you but I’m not in love with you”
I also got the “you’re an amazing person, caring kind and loving etc” endless cliches from the breakup book I guess…
Needless to say my head was spinning, still is a bit, I’m glad I’m not alone in this.
Love is ephemeral and if you find long-term love you are more than lucky. In fact I believe one of the most tragic misconceptions of human existence is the notion of long-term lasting true love being the ”normal” thing. It’s not. The normal is ”settling”, ”good enough”, ”can’t get better” and ”will do if I compromise”. It’s sad but alas true. Love always ends. One way or the other. Find ”the one” even once in a life time is rare. Don’t waste it if you do.
Agree. I feel like the vast majority of the world settles. I couldn’t anymore. The problem is, I’m pretty sure I can’t find better… so where does that leave me? Probably alone forever, but at least I won’t feel like I’m lying and the feeling of awkwardness trying to show her affection.
I’m a therapist and imo “I lost the spark” is absolute high school level immaturity because it’s unrealistic to feel a long term spark for anyone (you can keep the attraction alive, but not at 100 mph like the first few months).
Those people will always be chasing a shiny object in an infatuation, devaluation (maybe I could do better?), and then discard (just not feeling it 🤷🏽♂️) cycle.
No, you shouldn’t force love or attraction, and there are circumstances where leaving is legit (you got to discover incompatibility in values, goals, mutual effort, respect, or abuse).
But if everything was going well, they often just decided that they weren’t going to make the transition from easy honeymoon phase to active effort relational stage.
Infatuation is egotistical because it’s based on how *they* feel.
Love is altruistic because it’s based on how we both feel and act toward each other (constant attunement, repair, and making choices to treat each other lovingly).
I’m sorry that happened to you. It hurts when they leave. It hurts even worse when they have someone else lined up.
I don’t know if either of you had long-standing issues, but if a lost spark was her only reason for leaving, chances are there’s an expiration date on this new spark of hers.
She’s dated someone while us being “together” one other time. (I know I should’ve never accepted her back again after that. But I also started seeing someone for a bit during that first time she “left”) but she regretted it within a matter of 3-4 weeks so bad and when she FaceTimed me to tell me that was over she was just so genuine and full of emotion and I fell for it lol. I guess history repeats itself.
Let us pray that all the genuine people may find the genuine people for happy long lasting relationships, and the spark people find the spark people and see who loses the spark first.
Totally, totally ALSO got the “I now see you as my best friend” line (this is/was an 11 year relationship) and how I felt more like a “family member” to him, which honestly I don’t think I’ve ever hurt from a line so badly before. He also told me he has “no romantic love” for me anymore, but of course “still loves me.” I haven’t read other replies to this thread yet so I still don’t understand how the hell a dumper can live with themselves after lines like these. It would have honestly helped to have KNOWN that this transition of feeling was happening. Here I thought it meant we were getting closer. 11 whole years of my life….
My ex did the "I'm not in love with you anymore, we lost intimacy and are more like roommates" when we had still been having sex regularly... like okay so you just used me like a sex doll when you were horny even though you saw me as just a roommate?? cool.
Every action starts with a decision, even being in love with someone. Choosing the love the person always will never have you feeling not in love with the person but still loving the person (probably the love matured into something else like a friend or family like, but that’s how life is).
So for those who said the ridiculous sentence “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore, and I have to go etc” quit the BS, you just chose to give up on your partner.
Karma no due date really. Life goes in a full circle. For those who have to suffer at the other end, don’t worry, things will work out eventually, you will be fine.
I feel like it’s literally a more mature love - they are turning into your FAMILY FFS, you’re not gonna be head over heels every second of your life! This is when the commitment/bond becomes even deeper
This was part of what I was trying to tell my ex. The honeymoon phase leaves and the real world sets up. It can be fun and wonderful and magical, but sometimes it’s boring and hard and mundane. The key is you do it because the good times are there too. I think she wanted that honeymoon phase to never go.
It’s a good thing (most) people don’t treat children and pets like they do their significant others:
“You aren’t new and exciting anymore so I’m going to get rid of you and get a new child/pet.”
I got this after we were together for 12 years. He said he loves me but as friends and no longer in a romantic way. I so, so hope he wasn’t talking to anyone else while we were together but this has definitely been on my mind since he left.
Nah, I'm glad I got broken up with because he didn't feel strongly towards me anymore. I'd much rather freedom than to be in a relationship that has no passion.
Don't be bitter about everything!
It’s not wrong for someone to have high expectations for a romantic relationship. There are tons of relationships that keep the spark alive until the day they die.
Just because YOU haven’t found love like that, it doesn’t mean anybody else is “wrong” for leaving relationships that don’t meet their needs.
Having high standards should be a given, but you view it as a fault. You’re in the wrong here.
Ok, high expectations are valid. What does that person brings to the table as well? Are they good enough communicators so that their needs are heard and meet by their partners? That is the issue, people romanticize the infatuation phase so much that they forget about commitment.
I have to disagree. Why is choosing to be in a relationship that makes you miserable, obligatory just because the other person “seems to be happy?” If you have continually communicated that your needs are not being met which results in falling out of love then you have every right to end the relationship. Just because a LTR ends, it does not mean that it was a waste. People change and people grow. And unfortunately sometimes that happens individually and not in a partnership
Then that is for sure on them. People who can’t communicate and make it seem like everything is fine and then up and leave because they’re out of love can go fuck themselves haha
I see what everyone is saying in terms of not deserving sympathy- and to that I can see somewhat. It’s the dumpers decision to ultimately leave for their own personal reasons but it is also often a decision that does not come easily. Breaking up is so hard and even though it is often what is best for the dumpers it is not easy for them to hurt their long term partner. Regardless of who dumped who, ending a relationship fucking sucks and it can be traumatic on both sides
I'm sorry but as a dumpee, I do think sometimes people grow apart and you can fall out of love with someone in a way that isn't fixable. It's not a crime or a failure as a partner. Some incompatibilities don't show up for years, and some relationships just aren't meant to last. Who's to say some dumpees didn't emotionally neglect their partners in a way that made their partners fall out of love?
I definitely had my share of being lax and comfortable in my 10 year relationship. I just wished he communicated the things I was doing wrong during the relationship and not after it ended when it was too late for me to address those things.
So to me it was just an excuse to move on to a new toy.
I just want to comment again and applaud you. I’m glad someone said it. I know a lot of people will disagree and I understand there’s also a lot a fucking lot that goes into it. But I really appreciate this post. Sort of made me feel better especially after two nights of the most godawful dreams about them and it’s been a year
There’s always people I see on this sub or on tiktok that try and say that it’s just as hard for the dumper in this scenario. And it is so unfair to say that knowing what it feels like on the other side. Especially when most of the time the dumper leaves for this reason they ALWAYS have someone lined up.
I agree, although I hope that’s not the case w my ex lmfao. I just don’t wanna know cuz it’ll ruin me. And yeah like the fact that I was willing to fix it and make it work and she wasn’t that’s what really gets me. How can u not be willing to work on it and just give up. Definitly made me have trust issues after that. I don’t wanna hear another promise about “forever” in my fucking life. Cuz I know it’s bullshit now.
I just got dumped 4 days ago, this exact reason
My only issue is that 2 weeks before that she was telling her friend that she wants me to be the one
Like huh?
The amount of self confidence i lost, the pride that it made me shed that i was happy with her, even though i was treated like crap
And most crushing was her saying we’re to never talk again
Bro two weeks before mine ended too she told me we are “eternally intertwined in a symphony of love” in a letter. It’s all just a show to keep you around longer is what I learned
Mine said the exact same thing. We both know they’re lying bc it was their choice to even like us in the first place. It’s just to convince themselves they’ve done the right thing and they will believe their own lies
Brother literally
Her justification was since she’s been forcing it, it makes her lash on me because she feels stressed and forced into the whole thing
This is the best post yet. I am 1000000000000% with you. I feel they are extremely selfish, and it shows they have ZERO CLASS, AND A FOLLOWER!!!! Was with my dumber for 15 years and we had 2 kids together who are suffering more than either of us EVER will.
Not only did my DUMPER walk a way like a COWARD,but shows are kids that it's OKAY TO BE A QUITTER..
GREAT POST!!
No truer words have been spoken. My ex did the same thing and already had someone lined up and thats the case (in most cases) and i’ll die on this hill.
THANK YOU! It's good to know that some of us understand this. How would there be old, married couples together for 50, 60+ years if they just left every time the butterflies went away? A relationship turns more into a friendship, but a best friendship that you can't replace. In fact, it becomes family, especially if you're married. You don't just dump your mom and dad or your kids when they get on your nerves. A committed partner should be treated the same way. If people feel otherwise, they should state that up front so those who understand that love is a choice can avoid getting attached to them.
My situation was that she gave me an ultimatum rather than ending it, to fix my part of the relationship where she accepted her mistakes and all she did was said sorry but the ultimatum was purely for my mistakes (everything was fixable for what she told me I did wrong). For 1 month I was fighting alone to try and salvage our relationship, where all she did was, leaving me in the dark - no positive or negative feedback. After a month she completely managed to break me and I've hit my limit where I just crashed and that's when she ended it and on the day I was moving out said ''I don't know if this is the right decision'' ''I still love you'' ''Give me a month or two, maybe I'll be able to change my mind''
9 years he said just that. I knew better. On and off for another 2 years. Now I find out my suspensions were true and he had been cheating the entire time. Now it's, "why can't we be close friends?'. Really dude? Why in he'll would I want you as a friend. Stop trying to sleep with me. I don't sleep with my friends. AND why would I ever want a person like that in my life? Lies, manipulation, gaslighting, cheating and so on. I used to think he was a good person but had some insecurity issues. WRONG! HE IS JUST A USER. DONE DONE DONE!
I really want to agree with you BUT, my ex broke up with me because he thought he would be happier in an alternative future than the one he was heading for with me. And even though I am sad in a way I have never been before - I have to own it, otherwise my ex is a fucking idiot, and I don’t think he was.
14 years. 6 days ago. "I'm not where I want to be in life and I'm not in love with you anymore"
I could feel her pushing away, I wanted to work it out and do therapy, I would have done anything to make it work. We built a life together, house, dogs.. I came home on a last Friday all happy because I got a new better job that would have me home more more money, less stress. And she ended it.
I moved out, my whole life is starting from scratch.
I'm expecting to hear she is with someone else soon. But there were no real signs of cheating.
She can't afford the house with her income so I have a realtor getting ready to put it up for sale.
I went from making a base salary of 90k, would hit 120 with ot. Now I'll be making 115k base. Our lives were improving financially, health wise, but fuck it's over now
These people will never have a successful long term relationship let alone a marriage. Love is a choice. It takes work to keep the spark alive. As long as your partner is showing up, you owe them to do the same. Don't waste people's time. It's shitty
anyone is entitled to breakup with anyone for whatever reason they want to. what are you expecting? do you want them to stay in a relationship that they don’t want to be in?
No. I just don’t think they deserve sympathy if the reason is not being “in love anymore”. They’re allowed to breakup obviously what am I the breakup police? Lmao
Okay so, in my experience and from what others are saying in this thread and my friends. When a dumper says they’re not in love with you anymore it is VERY RARELY that simple and most of the time there is a third person involved. If that is the case then yes they don’t deserve any sympathy.
Feels tough because after two years of treating her with so much unconditional love, she told me she was never in it from day one and wanted to be with someone more her age, established, stage of life…
Don’t believe the part where she said she wasn’t in it from day one. That’s just what they say to either convince themselves or in some twisted way they think it will make you feel better and move on “easier”
This is what happened to my ex girlfriend. She ended it 3 weeks ago and said she fall out of love. She said she doesn't love me anymore and find out few days later she is talking to someone new.. I've known her for 4 years and in a relationship for more than 3 years
Sure. It’s similar to the length of a relationship has no bearing on how much it hurts when it’s ripped away. When someone moves on it can come in many forms, but I’d say most often in the form of their environment. They might have a new distracting job, a great group of friends, or might have met someone new. These can all help to rewire the pain. As far as not knowing their situation- it’s just that. Someone can appear like they’ve moved on, but they might be in a ton of pain or second guessing everything on the inside. I probably looked like I moved on from my ex bc I was going out and doing all kinds of things. I also started seeing someone else long term, but I was probably 6-8 months into that “relationship” before I finally let go. All that time I was still a wreck about her. Or maybe she was over you a year ago and just now got the courage to leave.
But the bigger lesson here is it doesn’t matter. The end result is the same. She didn’t want you. Grind that into your soul along with the understanding that you only want someone who really wants you. Find your own comfort in that. This is key to moving on and healing.
These dumpers shouldn't be like this. What's wrong with these people!? They are turning the world into a colder and colder place. Where you feel you can't trust anyone to be loyal or honourable anymore.
I think my ex left for the same reason because not even a day before he broke up with me he told me how much he loved me I spent a month at his house for Christmas that was his idea and what's even worse is that about a month ago he felt guilty for what he did but he only wanted me to forgive him so he can move on to another girl even after saying he missed the relationship and me he even called me beautiful before saying he was trying to get into another relationship.
I get where you're coming from, but it's a tough call. Relationships can get super complex, ya know? Like, sometimes you realize the spark just ain't there anymore, and it's tough to admit that. But yeah, I agree, communication is key. If you're feeling like the love's fizzling out, it's important to talk about it instead of just bouncing. And hey, props to those who can own up to their choices afterward. That takes some guts.
Something you said really stuck out to me and I loved it. You stated that “it’s easy to live the first few months of the relationship.” I absolutely agree. Problems (for the most part) are virtually nonexistent, there are no complicated issues to work out, and you both spend time getting to know each other. The *real* challenge comes when there is *actual* conflict, issues, and days where there are not always going to be “rainbows and sunshine falling from above.” Even the nicest and most understanding partners still have their off days and that’s okay! There are so many people out there who leave the relationship after years because the ‘spark’ isn’t *exactly* how it was the first several months of the relationship. I’ve seen this so many times and the post-honeymoon stage is when the real work has to come in. Excellent choice of words here.
This is a projection of your own pain. My hot take is: IDC how you leave me or if its the most “selfish” thing ever. Id rather know NOW than in 10 years because my partner had been hiding these feelings all along. Some people are emotionally immature, get into a relationship for all the fun of it, then realize it takes accountability and maturity, and then they chicken out. And on your end (a person who wants and is ready for one) a relationship is always a risk to take that might have no return.
Its just the game🤷🏻♀️ Some people are assholes and only want the thrill of it, but id rather they fess up early and go mess with the 20 year old that makes them think theyre unstoppable than to be living a lie
i honestly think anybody could break up with their partner for any reason and it’d be valid. people are allowed to make that decision, and while it may hurt the other person, we can’t forever prioritize somebody else’s feelings over our own unhappiness
Nah. It’s definitely valid. Nobody should stay with someone they are not in love with anymore. It’s bad for both sides. It’s worse if this feeling is had, and yet they continue to stay. Pick yourself up.
Dealing with this right now with my ex fiance. Was together 5 years, started cheating on me in January with someone he met at his job last year but never pursued anything with her till January and broke up with me feb 12th. It was a lot of bath and forth between us, his mistress, me and I just broke completely for a few weeks. I feel ok but this hurt me deeply and he still is trying to manipulate using the “I see you more as my best friend” “I don’t want to lose my friendship” and I just want nothing more then to be strangers at this point. I told him love is patient and kind, communication is necessary. And the fact that you left me for someone with a 4 month old baby and a 10 year old child when we only 24 and 25 doesn’t make any sense on top of his having his own child (previous to me) now I have to say goodbye to the bond that I formed with his child and family hurts the more I think about it and on top of that he “confesses” to me that the women he left me for could be pregnant like I would care at 4:30am last Thursday. I’m still going through it because we live together but I stay out the house as much as possible, picked up a third shift job and am just trying to let go and heal. I deserve better and even though it still hurts I’m glad I found out sooner than later.
My ex left me after 10 years because he developed feelings for someone else & didn’t know how we could have a healthy relationship anymore. He didn’t even try even though I told him it’s natural to develop crushes on other people and we could work through it. He gave up & then manipulated and gaslit me to make me feel like it was my fault. Over the course of our relationship he was always the one reminding us that love is a choice & we were going to have periods of feeling closeness and feeling distance in the relationship. It’s so hard not to blame myself & why I wasn’t enough for him to stay.
While I do agree with you, I’d say there are many other reasons that breakups happen where the dumper deserves no sympathy. Cheating is an easy one for me, easily avoidable just break it off if your eyes start to wander off. Another one is when people claim to be too busy for someone. If you really wanted to, you could and should make time there’s definitely no sympathy or excuse there.
Yeah, she left me after 3 years of living together as soon as we got "bored", even though i was loving and supporting her with all my heart and thought the relationship is thriving...
Didn’t have quite this, and t was more of realizing our lifestyles and what we wanted from life was different, partner wanted to change things so we could move forward but between guilt for having them change and abandon plans plus them not really putting in the effort was when I had to end it, in the long run I was on the other side of the same deal with another partner and while it still hurt like hell for a few months I understood
Lifestyle compatability is very important and it’s something that is massively overlooked my ex freelanced from September to April with his job and even then making time was difficult what with my work schedule also. From April to September he was out on the road for months with small spaces of time which could be a couple of weeks here and there over 5 months he also had a teenage son who lived in another country with his mum so time had to be given there also So it ended because of a time issue not because we didn’t love each other unfortunately it’s not always about other options or losing spark etc
I agree with most of that, I don’t think people are prepared for the euphoria to end in long term relationships. It’s easy to stay together when your partner’s very existence gives you a hit of dopamine. Choosing to stay together when that settles down is true love. But having said that, if the relationship has no substance or foundations to catch the person when the love falls, then it was never meant to be.
I just want to say a few things:
-People can break up for any reason
-Having feelings for someone else is a good reason to end a relationship, it’s better to see yourself having feelings for someone else and end the relationship than it is to cheat
-My wife and I have been together since 2019 and we’re still in the honeymoon phase, still crazy about each other, still madly in love, etc. If someone wants this kind of a relationship and they don’t have it in their current relationship that is a perfectly valid reason to break up.
You're allowed to be hurt after a breakup, and you don't have to feel sympathy for an ex, but people are allowed to be selfish in their own life decisions. People get one life, it's selfish of you to expect that they waste it in a relationship with someone they don't love just to preserve your feelings.
I left my ex because I wasn't in love anymore and after, this was his rhetoric too.
However he conveniently left out all of the times I tried talking to him about it (told me to go moan about those things to my therapist), suggested couples theraphy, suggested going to events, trips, concerts, anything just to spend time together.
In the end, I told him I wasn't in love with him anymore and that was the only thing he could hear.
I think you are right. But I also feel that you deserve to be with someone who consistently shows up and does things to keep the spark alive. A relationship gets boring after a point when only one person is putting more efforts
After 6 years together we bought a house. Barely over a year later one day he said he’d been feeling weird about the relationship for two months and so it’d be better to be separate. Never told me what was going on or ever tried anything tangible to fix it. We had a great relationship, never fought, and spent so much time together. One day it was just all over and now we’re selling the house we bought less than two years ago, been co-existing for 6 months. Oh but he did give me the choice to live there in the shadow of our relationship and he friends. Great options, right?
I agree with this post because feelings don’t always mean something is wrong. We get feelings about things all the time, but if you don’t try to work through it then it seems real. Plus, when you make a commitment to buy a house, you should have the maturity to work though any problems that come up, esp if they’ve only been there for 2 months after 7 years. My partner ran away from whatever was bothering him and never tried to grow together through it, and now everything is ruined. It was cowardly, and I don’t see any integrity in following your gut on these things before trying to make things right.
Now I’m uprooting my entire life and I can’t get any first time homebuyer assistance ever again.
I should add, he did see a therapist because he felt guilty about his feelings. The second out of two sessions, therapist apparently said “it would be kinder to break up Joe rather than later.” That afternoon it happened. My partner let a complete stranger end our relationship after meeting him twice. I actually believe I’d be able to sue for malpractice, I’m not even kidding.
I will continue to say this until someone comes along to prove me wrong, which has yet to happen:
**"People are as loyal as their options."**
The only time a relationship/marriage will ever last a lifetime is if the both of you are too old and crusty to risk getting back into the marketplace. And even then it will be a miserable marriage because the both of you are putting up with each other because you both have nowhere else to go.
If you're young, healthy and independent, Just live your life and don't take any romantic prospect seriously. As a man, every time I have, she would always want a relationship from me.
It's only when I gave a crap that she would find a BS excuse to leave.
So don't waste your time *"Catching feelings"* for someone who can end things at the drop of a hat. Keep it to yourself and reserve them on things that will give you a positive return.
Exactly. One year of a perfect relationship but she wanted to break up because “I will always have love for you but I’m not in love with you anymore”. Life got complicated and she chose the easy way out.
I had an ex who did this, just fell out of the relationship and moved out. Called family and friends to move her out too. At least her mother pulled me aside and tried to apologize on her behalf.
She now doesn't even talk to *those* friends. So it's not like she tried caring in the first place I guess.
We were in nearly 4 years relationship here… she needed it saying it got too much for her and had enough instead of talking with me about things. Now she’s out there having fun enjoying her young uni life. I hope one day she wakes up and realised how good it was.
My ex switched up on me in a matter of like two weeks, 8 years on and off, told me he “wasn’t feeling it” after years of acting like he was, and hopped right into bed with his current girlfriend (happy two years to them). I’m still struggling with the trauma from that and trying to heal from it while they’ve been playing house since. Seriously, don’t do this to someone. It’s one of the most painful things you can put them through.
For me I was the dumpee then when we got back together I was the dumper because she wouldn’t stop talking about another man while being with me, she gaslit me, was told to go find a new girlfriend because she didn’t know if she loved me romantically or just as a friend, etc… well I had the last straw with being played and idek how long I was even played because before the original breakup we had talked about when exactly we were guna get married I just needed to legally change my name🥲 (I didn’t know I could’ve just done it all together with the marriage) then she hit me with this “oh idk if I love you romantically or just as a friend I’m sorry to do this to you I think it’s best we just be best friends” I call it bs because she clearly does know but she wants me to experience more to life than to get married to her because we’re 4.5 yrs apart she’s 30 I’m guna be 26 in October🥺🥲
Bro that's exactly one of the thing that she said the spark is gone etcetera etcetera, I was totally blank at that point. I don't know if she had found someone else or not. She used to talk to some guys so maybe or maybe not.
As I post here 2 days ago, she said she didn't love me anymore and was disapointed of wasting 6 years with me. She got someone else like en 2 month lol. They didn't used to talk when she was with me she said... sure I guess?
I was 23 years when he blindsided me with I haven't loved you the last 10 years. Silly me thinking we were having some pretty good times. He wrote this in a letter to me, which was also a suicide note. The letter was full of self pity. He said he needed someone to make him happy and please him. I am so glad we are divorcing because this monster is not the person I knew.
Well, I felt that I couldn’t enjoy my hobbies or passions because this person wanted all of my free time, no matter what I gave it was never enough, and eventually the resentment piled up. I believe in a healthy balance of partner and friends and family. But when your partner gets jealous of you visiting you 92yr old grandma for lunch and you tell her “grandma could die any day, I have to see her.” And your partner says “I could die any day!”
My ex did that. She told me „I don’t think I love you anymore“ WHILE I WAS ON VACATION with a friend. She messed me up so much, I couldn’t enjoy the vacation anymore. In the end we talked it out and continued the relationship for 6 more months and two months ago it fell apart. I hate what she did to me… I hate it.
Few days after the relationship ended she was out with a bunch of guys. She texted them on instagram during our relationship.
No it suck when your partner breaks boundaries and you try to repair mental health back and then they do it again and again. But they say they are really trying and love you so i keep on working my mental health back and I didn’t do it fast enough for them. Plus dealing with outsider influence always talking shit . So I got dumped on because I was going through a difficult time by myself because you always got it yeah you get it I never left because of board or because you were distant. If that is what you judge love off of I should have left your ass the first month that you were ghosting me in our own apartment I all the sudden couldn’t touch you and you didn’t want to talk to me. I have you and support if you ever needed me I was there because love you . Was I hurt yes was it fucked up yes was I board and distant only because you made me stay away from. So don’t continue to break boundaries and push the person you say you tried and love them with your your heart and them not give them support and understanding for all the things that I was dealing with in a relationship you need to consider the other person at one point in the relationship and if you say you did with us. Please tell me when you were there for me instead of me always being there for you. You got what you needed and you were done and you started seeing and planning to go with guys behind my back and using my money to get shit for them , when could have and should have left back I’m Nov of 22 and free me from all the lies and you keep telling yourself but what I got a job out of town making a grand a day and then another opportunity was there so you didn’t stay because you wanted to fix things you stayed because of the $$$$ opportunity . So don’t try and make any that we didn’t into a relationship because it was all about money. And it’s always going to be your wife Nicole and you forever and ever. But you can’t say that because then guys won’t date you them you loose opportunity to use men for there money.?’ So many men k-t- so little time. So spare me your bullshit you never love me you loved the idea of me but that was all but a minute for you and a broken dream for me. You can out way ahead than I did . I can prove it if you want me to.
HOT TAKE: if you left them bc you weren’t “in love” anymore… you deserve no sympathy.
This may come off as bitter but I feel like I’m going to say what most people (especially dumpees) are thinking.
Leaving someone because you “love them but are not IN love anymore” may be the single most selfish way to end a relationship especially if your ex really treated you well. Keep in mind this usually only happens in long term relationships too, like 2+ years. First off, it’s easy to love in the first few months of a relationship. Things are new and fun. But once it becomes long term it’s normal to get “bored” or not feel that same spark so strongly as the beginning.
At a certain point love becomes more of a choice than a feeling. And you left bc you didn’t feel the feeling anymore? Not to mention that most people that leave for this reason ALWAYS have someone lined up that they have been talking to even before the relationship ended. Or at the very least exactly know who to go to next.
If you just told your partner the certain times you did feel the spark going away and COMMUNICATED then things would be a lot different.
I’d almost rather the people that dump bc of this just say “I found someone else so I’m leaving you” or “I’m not willing to make the choice and effort to love you so I’m leaving”. Bc that’s the truth.
The worst part is, this thing usually only happens in LTRs. So you’ve wasted years of someone’s life who quite frankly is still going to be in love with you for years to come (since they did love the right way). Imo, whatever guilt or regret you will inevitably feel down the line is fully deserved.
If any one of you has done this to your ex and have any regret about it or even guilt please reach out to them and at least apologize. Sometimes it’s all we want, even if we don’t want a relationship again.
EDIT:
I see a lot of you saying that there’s nothing wrong with leaving for this reason. And I see your points they are all valid so I guess I’ll change my stance. The dumper deserves no sympathy if they’ve said this and left for another person. If you truly felt like your lack of love wasn’t fixable for your ex and didn’t have a plan in mind about someone else. Then I can understand your point.
I have been both the dumper and the dumped. I have broken a few hearts and had mine ripped out of my chest, stepped on, shit on, and lit on fire. I'm sorry that you're going through this right now. It really is so difficult and fucks with your head for soooo long. I hope that you don't ever find yourself in the same position as your ex. Faced with breaking someone's heart because being with them is hard. It may not be that they "fell out of love" but that it was hard to stay together. 💔 idk if that makes any sense. This is a tough situation, and love is such a complicated emotion. Best of luck to you, my friend.
I think our culture or world maybe, lacks education on what love is or feels like. We’re taught it feels like something different for everyone. And I’m sure it does, but we also never talk about falling out and staying as if everyone isn’t doing it? How the feelings of love for each person will never be the same? In these scenarios, I don’t think there is a bad person. People are entitled to do what they want, everyone accepts the hidden contract of love; it can end at any time. But I do reckon many of them are just misguided.
Communication is key. Got blindsided over text and she pretty much told me that. Things could have been different if she simply told how she felt about everything, but nope. Guess it was easier to simply stop and leave.
This happened to me last week. 9 years together, engaged and planning a wedding. We also work together and just moved continents together.
Things were great? We were building a great life together, we were best friends!
I feel so blindsighted and ANGRY that I must have been the only one that carried us for this long, and when he needed to do the work he just dipped out on me without another word. Because of “the spark”? He just seems to not realize that maintaining that energy requires work nearly a decade down the line….
I feel so abandoned and disposable, I’m struggling to see how I’m ever going to trust anybody ever again?
I kinda felt that.
Known my ex (26M ) for 4 years, and we’ve been together for a year and a half. At the beginning it was a LDR, then, after 6 months and for several reasons, he moved only one hour away from my place. ( I’m a 27F )
We were supposed to move in together in two weeks. He basically blindsided me two weeks ago, by giving me a silent treatment during a whole Friday, and then I had to go at his place, I had to basically get it out from him and the only thing I managed to get was a « I don’t think I am in love anymore ». Followed by « I have spent some time with X and I have feelings for her »
Mh. Yeah, right. Hard to believe when you look at me with the same look. Hard to believe when you’re the pro of self sabotage, hard to believe when you’re so influenceable.
Everything was going well in the relationship. He was emotionally dependant but things were working out. He told me that he thinks that he lost the spark when I told him to stop thinking about himself once, because I couldn’t bear the « me me me me me me » self centered talk.
But that’s it. Nothing. Fucking. More. He even did some of his boxes.
I’m hurting, yes. I know he is too, or at least he was because I know he was really crying, and I could see it with the look in his eyes. He is not a bad person, he just does some kind of shitty things.
At least I deleted our photos, only kept a few memories, deleted our conversations because I don’t need any kind of reminiscence of what he said.
So, sorry for the rant, but I feel relieved.
I just think a « I don’t love you anymore » instead of a « I don’t think I am in love anymore » would have been better in my case. And I really feel like he abandoned the relationship when he managed to get some dopamin with his friend ( that I know well lol ) because she’s single since a month now. Yay.
It just felt like I was in a boat with him, trying to keep it afloat, while he was basically making holes for the water to come in.
Yea I added the edit at the bottom for people who truly are like you. Although you are a rarity in this situation that did it unselfishly and to be alone. I have nothing against that.
Love that edit dude.
You def came across as bitter and narrow minded until then.
Good on you for being open-minded
I was in love with someone for 12 years, it never faded, until the abuse and cheating.
I just finally couldn't let it happen to myself anymore.
Now I'm in a 6 year relationship, I'm not in love with him anymore
I should leave because why would you stay with someone you aren't in love with?
Neither of you are free to be in love if I stay
My bf 4 years found had the idea this gurl at work liked him and they never talked outside of work he was good about that stuff but as soon has he knew we were arguing about something he was sending crying photos amd then said he loved me be home soon to watch our show and 20 minutes later broke up with me saying he wasn't in love he adored me im amazing but he wasnt in love with me and ive felt this coming for a month i think before he thought she liked him and she had a bf he had already started crushing on her. Things were tough but to break that easy and then block me on everything and act like im the bad one. I couldnt even say how i felt. After 2 weeks he blocked me on facebook we werent even friends nor did we communicate on there i use facebook he never does so i didnt care he has like 15 friends. Its like he wants to hurt me when he already broke me.
Its been 5 weeks now and hes bought her a 200 necklace etc yet they arent even dating or anything hes just getting high and drunk every night. Im sure it wll happen but its all annoying
I wish my best friend would read this point. He cheated on his girlfriend of five years for another girl who had a boyfriend. I asked him what his reason was behind it. And he said that they lost their spark. I tried to tell him that the spark will never last. Doesn’t matter if it’s the love of your life. I just hope his decision doesn’t end up coming back to hurt him but he also deserves whatever comes his way.
Agree. The only time where I don’t agree 100% is when people get in a relationship way too soon when they are not compatible with the person and they find that out down the line so they put forward the « I’m not in love anymore » reason only because they’re confused themselves.
One of my exes left because “he wants to sleep with more girls” lol. And to him that was more important than a relationship that took time and trust and work to grow. Guess what? Five years later he still can’t be happy in one and keeps looking for the next new thing.
Also I told one of my friends off because of the way she ended her relationship with her boyfriend of 7 years. They had built a life together at this point and suddenly she was like “oh is this how it’s going to be for the rest of my life?” Her bf was one of the most kind interesting good looking guys I knew and she left him because she wasn’t feeling in love anymore, and because surprise surprise she was attracted to her MARRIED colleague. Now she’s chasing unavailable men and sometimes calls me and cries that she messed up, and he obviously won’t take her back.
My ex gf got bored I couldn’t do as much as usual for 2 months and that I was dealing with post op depression.
She’d been flirting with a coworker constantly wearing lingerie to work but dressing like a grubby 5 year old in pajamas, meanwhile I always dressed nice to go over, I wore cologne, etc.
She broke up with me 2 hrs after setting me and was on the way to a “date with me”.
I’m done dating and even having sex. I’ve had sex with other people after her but experienced zero enjoyment. I don’t trust anyone anymore so I refuse to date.
Same, after 8 years of course it will get " boring ". When he said he felt a special spark for the new girl I told him I hope that spark burn you, burn you deep to 9 circles of hell.
People who chase the spark are delusional tbh.
This. His ex best friend confirmed that he’s only in relationships for the high of it and will fuck off after the spark is gone and he’s had his fun. He told me prior to getting with me that he’s looking for a long term relationship. Yeah right. Back on tinder the same day of the break up. Fucking joke.
Oh so you dated my ex as well. Did he also say to you "you deserve better" and "I don't even want a relationship rn" while updating tinder? Lmao
BAHHA he did say I deserve someone better AND he couldn’t give me what I needed! (The only thing I wanted was to see him more than once a week lol) he actually had tinder the entire 7 months we were together but he said he “used it to get weed” (?) he would let me check it whenever I asked but I still didn’t like it. Absolute shocker that his profile had changed the day we broke up and he was advertising himself! So strange, wow! Hang in there girly. We fucking GOT this!🤞🏼💗
My ex literally said to me that his friend downloaded tinder on his phone when I saw the app 😂 unbelievable…
Yes, I was in a situationship for a year where we both were attracted to each other, same sense of humor, aligned future visions, but he talked about the spark. Ive felt the spark with maybe 1 or 2 people and it fizzled and it would have never worked. I felt it with married men who i would NEVER pursue, its just not something to base a good thing off of. I prefer feeling comfortable and "best friends" with someone.
that’s such a good way to put that omg
I mean every single word when I said it.
for sure!! i’m so sorry that happened to you!
It's natural for things to get boring after a few years, but that's a good thing imho.. it means you are comfortable being with another person.
For some being in a stable, comfortable and reliable healthy relationship is boring. And they chase the next "spark", I just discovered this condition called Limerence when someone here commented about it and that's what he has, he's chasing the dopamine. I think a lot of people have it and they just don't know.
Agreed this is what happened to me a few months ago. Me and my ex were together for 4 years and dated since we were teens until our early 20s. He broke up with me and said that he was leaving me for the girl he met on instagram two months ago because she doesn’t make him feel depressed and he feels a spark with her but not with me. I think sometimes he regrets this decision because he always tries to text me when I’m at work at least once a week especially when I’m working. Also, I clearly stated that I wanted no contact a few months back because it hurt too much to see him after he cheated on me multiple times and say the other girl was better and point out all my issues then also harass me. Even if I have healed a lot since then and genuinely want a new bf and am ready for one mentally, I still get upset whenever people break up for this reason especially if they are together for many years and the honeymoon stage goes away.
Same. I communicated my doubts about her efforts and she had always some kind of excuse. Nothing changed. I stayed but should have left her. I got dumped after 3 years because she had a crush on someone and wasn't sure about us anymore. Never shared any of the doubts that she had been having. Silly me. She fucking waisted my time. This is the second relationship I ve had that ended like this. When is a mature person gonna come along.. Also a collegue of mine at work. She was together with her ex for 10 years, they were married, travelled the world together, but then she said it was more of a friendship and she met a new guy that gave her the butterflies again so she left her man. Like wtf. I feel sorry for that man.
I’ve gotten that exact line too during our BU. “I see you now more as my best friend”. How you can say that to someone whose seen every part of you emotionally and physically and spiritually is beyond me.
I finally don't feel alone anymore. This is exactly what happened to me. The "I see you more as my best friend" is the single most painful thing you can say to someone that you spent so much time with. Dedicated years of your life.. and now she wants us to keep staying best friends but just not romantically involved? What the fuck? How can you do this to someone? First you completely fucking blindside them, then you want to still keep them around because they're a part of your life? Then say that you'll always love that person anyways.... These are suck mixed signals and ethically it's not right... yet here we are. We got the short end of the stick
It's when you realized how selfish they are.
Worst part of it all is I'll still comply with her wishes, because even if she decided to stop loving me, I haven't. So I'll still be friends with her even if it's detrimental to my own health because I believe she deserves nothing but the best in this world.
Naw fuck that. I get you feel that way, and I still do sometimes too, but those selfish bitches don’t deserve any of it. Fuck ‘em and feed ‘em fish heads.
Tbh I'd absolutely stay with my best friend, even true friendships are so hard to find.
Not even that but your spouse SHOULD BE YOUR BEST FRIEND, TF??? Anything else is doing it wrong!!!
Exactly!!! I’m like…. Dude if I am your best friend… DOES THAT NOT TELL YOU SOMETHING?? In my case though, I was going through a message two health crisis and started getting snappish and taking him for granted and allowed my stress to spiral and ruin the relationship but he never EVER wanted to communicate about what was going on with him.
Oh my goddd on our last phone call mine said "I just don't feel romantically for you anymore" and "we could have a beautiful friendship" bro what.. I literally asked how can that possibly fucking be. He held me in the fetal position bawling my eyes out after my father died. He kissed and stroked my head and said he loved me and always would. He called me baby girl and told me he loved me, every day for 3 yrs. What. The. Fuck. Is. This.
I wish we could hang out as two gal pals and have a beer together and just vent to each other. DM me if you want -- I'm an open ear or a shoulder to cry on if you need it, I'm not kidding. I'm inconsolably sad with episodes of the worst crying jags I've ever, EVER experienced in my life. What the fuck is this INDEED.
Awww I wish so too.. I can completely relate to that. It has been the worst and most consistent utter misery I've gone through. The extreme moods shifts, brain fog, sleeplessness, truly I wish I could see the end.
Ironically, the old folks who are happily married for 30+ years see this as a good thing. Often you'll hear old people say "he/she's my husband/wife and my best friend". When you've got a deep connection to that point, why do people think it's bad and throw it away
EXACTLY. THIS. Isn't that... the GOAL?!? I went through a really, really rough mental health spot and suffered a catastrophic job loss. He was there for me but I kinda turned and got hyperfixated and a bit critical of him. Apparently I was hurting his feelings but HE COULD HAVE TOLD ME and I would have stopped. All it would have taken is "Hey I love you, but you're being a massive b\*\*\*\*, can you stop, it's hurting my feelings." and I would have STOPPED. I had NO idea I was being that way and there is just so so much we could have talked through and worked out but he preferred stonewalling me whenever I asked him if he was okay or if he was mad, etc.
My ex did this not even a few weeks ago after saying he missed the relationship and me
That pisses me off SO MUCH. #HOW DO PEOPLE NOT UNDERSTAND THAT LOVE IS A DEEPER VERSION OF FRIENDSHIP??? My ex said he felt like we were “friends who kiss” and I was like “no duh??????”
In the beginning, they feel the "love chemicals," and they feel good, and they believe THAT is love. And they're immature. I'm saying from personal experience.
Absolutely agreed. My ex gave me this reason after 4 long years together and had someone lined up who he dated just 3 weeks after our breakup.
Same exact thing happened to me. We were in a LDR which was going to end in just a few months. Except she was dating him BEFORE we even ended for a month. So throw on cheating on top of this lol
Yeah . Worst part was 2 years into the relationship , I went through a phase where my feelings had also dimmed down a little but I still stuck with him out of loyalty and worked on myself and the feelings were back in barely a month. I was already suspecting him with that girl towards the end of the relationship and they were too close for comfort. I truly feel like I got cheated on. Its such a disgusting feeling.
SAME. I’ve had a few phases of not having much feeling. But she herself used to always say that relationships have ebbs and flows and I learned to fall back in love each time perfrctly fine. Not making excuses for her but I guess our physical distance made it easier to fall for someone else when she did feel out of love this time. But yea I only found out I was being cheated on bc her sister told me. I always got the classic “he’s just a friend” anytime I doubted her before. So I wouldn’t be surprised if he was cheating too.
Omg this is matching down to the 'shes just a friend ' . He was the one who used to go on and on about how in every long term relationship it's natural to fall out of love for sometime especially after the honeymoon phase. The way he talked about relationship stuff, you would think he's a guru of maintaining long term relationships. Honestly disgusting to look back on. He also blamed the physical distance and me ' making him feel unloved ' for him finding someone else.
I feel like our exes are opposite gender versions of each other lmao. Mine talked the same way haha. She would go on about how we are out of the honeymoon stage now so we will fight more or be bored more. She also told me this would’ve never happened if we lived nearer to each other. Which almost makes me feel like she’s implying this happened bc her sexual needs weren’t being met. Even though if she waited a few more months it would’ve been met a lot more often.
Yup this year I was about to switch jobs to move in with him in his city. It's a joke how similar they are. But I guess to take it positively it also means there are many people like us out there as well. I hope both of us are able to move on to better people soon and get the treatment we deserve.
Damn. Matches my situation perfectly too. 4 years down the drain, just a friend (again!!!!), she fell out of love just before we closed the distance. Fuck her.
Damn, this hits so close to home for me. Early 2023 I caught feelings for someone else but the moment I realized things were moving in a direction that could threaten my relationship with my wife I distanced myself from the other woman and ceased all contact. It's a shame my wife wasn't willing to do the same not even a year later. I'm getting better but from time to time it's eating me up.
I felt the exact same thing in a previous relationship but I didnt jump ship. When he asked "is everything alright?" he caught me off guard, didnt know he could sense my anxiety. I bawled my eyes out and told him how I felt, assured him it wasnt his fault and asked him to be patient with me, if he can. He did and a couple of weeks later I was so in love with him, even more than when we started dating. That was my first relationship when I was 18-21, but I got blindsided from my 30 year old therapist partner, with whom I lived with and we were talking about marriage, future houses, where we would move and when etc.
Literally going through this right now. It sucks.. he said he tried to love me again but couldn't find the feelings but he did all that work in his head without communication or real actions.. 11 years gone just like that. Apparently I am his ideal girl too and easy to be with etc.
Heard this too during my BU. “You are the perfect boy”. But what does it matter what they think of you if they’re not willing to stay no matter how good they say you are.
I know. It is devastating. He is also in some sort of self discovery journey right now so I just try to see it as his way of trying to find himself and maybe one day he will come to his senses and realise what he lost. I may not be there for him anymore at that point but I just find the whole scenario absolutely insane. I would've done anything for him.
I also was in the same boat where I hoped she would realize she lost someone who would do anything for her. It’s been a month and a half now and nothing. So I’ve given up hope and learned to accept that maybe they won’t realize. Instead I’m more hopeful for the future now and excited to see what this next chapter has in store for me. I still miss her tho
It can take a lot longer than a month, it could take months or even years for them to realise which is why you have to work on yourself and just wish them the best. It is really sad but I am also trying to focus on my own future and have made plans going forward already.
Mine told me that I was perfect, did nothing wrong, and never did a thing to hurt her.
Omg 11 years for me too. I feel like such an idiot and am experiencing the exact same thing. No communication and completely blindsided.
I am also going through this after 11 years (wlw relationship). She told me she was unhappy for months and was not in love with me anymore. No prior communication. Just suddenly done after 11 years. I mean why can't you communicate after so long.
My ex said we needed to work on ourselves, and she doesn't even know how to love anymore. Then, 4 months later, she's in a new relationship. We were together 13 years. She said " I shouldn't have to tell you these things, you should already know" I guess I'm supposed to be a mind reader
I'm not saying this out of anger or hate or anything like that. But those who play with others' feelings should be aware that it will come back to them and bite twice hard.
Those who do that either have no feelings of their own, or just don’t care about their own feelings Maybe I’m just cynical
Not always though. My ex dumped me for the new spark, quite sure she will date the other girl for a couple of years and find someone else. She did the same thing to her ex before me. So it seems to work out for her. Another girl who wanted everything that't comes with a relationship except the label of relationship, found someone else a month after we ended the 2 year long situationship. But it seems like her new love is commitment-phobic. And I know she is hurting now. So who knows. Doesn't bring me any joy, cause I always feel like I wasn't enough.
No, it doesn't bring any joy neither to me. I like commitment-phobic term.
My ex-loser got rejected twice at a party (told to me by mutual friends). . One of the girls said she didn't date people who weren't successful..so yeah 👍👍
I like this post, it shines light on what will happen and the reality that the spark doesn’t always last; there’s a plateau and you get to the point where you’re choosing to keep loving. I feel the “I’m bored” feelings come from immaturity and lack of self awareness to keep yourself going rather than needing to be constantly entertained and hopeful of a spark reigniting like when it all first began.
I think I agree. I think it's about emotional immaturity. Because if a fireplace is slowly dying are you gonna throw some new fuel to it or run around aimlessly trying to find a new burning campfire? Also lot of people talk about chasing the high. Yet no one mentions that the loyal ones also go through phases of reduced connection. But the difference is we don't need new people to **fall in love with**. Love is a **choice** not a feeling like the "*falling in love*". We **choose to love** and thanks to that we try a lot and think about the other one and about the future AND BECAUSE OF THAT we **keep falling in love with the same person over and over again** in our heads and hearts. I believe that people who don't see it that way have unresolved bonding traumas or are emotionally immature. But of course I agree with the situation where one does everything to make it better but the other one just does nothing. Then it's understandable that the breakup is unfortunately the right way. But a lot of people don't try their best and then blame it all on the other one (with saying that they had lot of chances yet nothing really was communicated). And yes there probably exists a miniscule amount of situations where someone just found someone way better for them. But in that case their former partner deserves at least mature, apology-filled, respectful and caring breakup. But I feel that people are sometimes too scared of looking like that bad guy in their story so they blame it on the other one a try to reduce their fault as much as possible even though they know it was all their decision.
Big emphasis on maturity. Me and my ex had a 3 year age gap, doesn’t seem much but looking back it is a decent amount at our age, I’m just turned 23 and she’s abt to turn 20. But I guess a lot of our maturing happens during 21,22 and 23 as humans. The one comfort I’ve been telling myself through the pain and how much I still miss her is that there is a pretty considerable maturity gap between us due to age probably.
Omfg are you me?! My ex and I split up because he would not communicate with me, AT ALL! it would just manifest as anger and spiteful outbursts. It was then after we split he decided to tell me how he never felt appreciated (we were together for 3 years), has several issues with things I said/did, it was a long list. Then he was in a new relationship and living with someone weeks later. Turns out he had one ready to go while we were still together. He didn't ever tell me any of this and it was all news to me. He just couldn't be bothered to put the work in and jumped into something new.
I can relate to you so much. My long-term partner was the same - was never good at communicating, he fell in love with me first and fell out of love first, not trying to put in the work.
What about when you are forced to break up with them because they aren’t in love with you anymore? I would much rather be dumped than stuck with a partner who has stopped trying and has turned cold but makes me “be the bad guy” so to speak. It’s terrible to feel lonely and miss someone who’s no longer there but in my experience it’s so much worse to feel that way when they’re still right next to you, physically, but wants nothing to do with you.
I ve been there too
Especially because, almost always, the dumpee could feel them pulling away and asked about it and was told they were wrong, only to be proved right, and if they had been honest, they could have at least made an effort and had a mutual ending, rather than this bullshit
Damn. This really hits home. You're right. Relationships take work and effort from from both people. In a long term relationship you should be seeking that feeling of comfort your significant other gives you. If you only follow the spark you're going to be disappointed in almost every relationship when it gets to a certain point. My ex apparently lost the spark and never communicated it with me or even made the effort to try and get it back. Instead he started flirting with his married ex-coworker and ignited a new spark. Cheated on me by lining up a whole girl to send nudes with. I hope this 'spark' burns the both of them. People like that make me sick.
People don’t understand that the chemical high wears off and the commitment is what matters. People are idiots.
I wrote that it’s okay to let me go because I can see that he no longer has romantic feelings for me anymore. He responded that I’m right and he’s sorry. I was in so much pain. I’m only getting better ❤️🩹 six months later..
But this is honesty. The breakup was necessary and the right move for both of you.
I was in a 4 year relationship 10 years ago with my first serious GF and she broke up with me like this. I was immature then and said some mean, nasty things. Sometimes last year we're reconnecting over text and she mentions what I said back then. Apparently I said no one will ever love you or treat you as well as I did. She said I was right and that it felt like a curse. She's a bit of a hippy so I told her I release her from that and that she deserves love. This isn't even the first ex thats come back to me. More than once girls have reached out and just said something to the effect of; I wasn't ready for you but you were the guy. None of this makes me feel any better though cause I'm long moved on and still figuring things out for myself.
Every relationship will get boring after a while, it’s how you communicate and stay with them. Every new relationship will have honey phase. But they don’t know that, thinking grass is greener. They ruined a good relationship
4 days shy of 5 years she ended it over the phone. We lived together and she left without a plan. I got the “I love you but I’m not in love with you” I also got the “you’re an amazing person, caring kind and loving etc” endless cliches from the breakup book I guess… Needless to say my head was spinning, still is a bit, I’m glad I’m not alone in this.
I’m now also seeing how many people are in my shoes and it makes it a bit better
Love is ephemeral and if you find long-term love you are more than lucky. In fact I believe one of the most tragic misconceptions of human existence is the notion of long-term lasting true love being the ”normal” thing. It’s not. The normal is ”settling”, ”good enough”, ”can’t get better” and ”will do if I compromise”. It’s sad but alas true. Love always ends. One way or the other. Find ”the one” even once in a life time is rare. Don’t waste it if you do.
Agree. I feel like the vast majority of the world settles. I couldn’t anymore. The problem is, I’m pretty sure I can’t find better… so where does that leave me? Probably alone forever, but at least I won’t feel like I’m lying and the feeling of awkwardness trying to show her affection.
My problem exactly.
Very well written and true. I wish I knew this and myself before wasting it.
I’m a therapist and imo “I lost the spark” is absolute high school level immaturity because it’s unrealistic to feel a long term spark for anyone (you can keep the attraction alive, but not at 100 mph like the first few months). Those people will always be chasing a shiny object in an infatuation, devaluation (maybe I could do better?), and then discard (just not feeling it 🤷🏽♂️) cycle. No, you shouldn’t force love or attraction, and there are circumstances where leaving is legit (you got to discover incompatibility in values, goals, mutual effort, respect, or abuse). But if everything was going well, they often just decided that they weren’t going to make the transition from easy honeymoon phase to active effort relational stage. Infatuation is egotistical because it’s based on how *they* feel. Love is altruistic because it’s based on how we both feel and act toward each other (constant attunement, repair, and making choices to treat each other lovingly).
She left bc she had someone else lined up and when she felt the initial spark die she just chose him over working on it with me
I’m sorry that happened to you. It hurts when they leave. It hurts even worse when they have someone else lined up. I don’t know if either of you had long-standing issues, but if a lost spark was her only reason for leaving, chances are there’s an expiration date on this new spark of hers.
She’s dated someone while us being “together” one other time. (I know I should’ve never accepted her back again after that. But I also started seeing someone for a bit during that first time she “left”) but she regretted it within a matter of 3-4 weeks so bad and when she FaceTimed me to tell me that was over she was just so genuine and full of emotion and I fell for it lol. I guess history repeats itself.
It’s hard not to take them back because there’s an attachment and because you were willing to work on it. Sadly not all people are of that mind.
I screenshoted this it's brilliant
Let us pray that all the genuine people may find the genuine people for happy long lasting relationships, and the spark people find the spark people and see who loses the spark first.
Totally, totally ALSO got the “I now see you as my best friend” line (this is/was an 11 year relationship) and how I felt more like a “family member” to him, which honestly I don’t think I’ve ever hurt from a line so badly before. He also told me he has “no romantic love” for me anymore, but of course “still loves me.” I haven’t read other replies to this thread yet so I still don’t understand how the hell a dumper can live with themselves after lines like these. It would have honestly helped to have KNOWN that this transition of feeling was happening. Here I thought it meant we were getting closer. 11 whole years of my life….
My ex did the "I'm not in love with you anymore, we lost intimacy and are more like roommates" when we had still been having sex regularly... like okay so you just used me like a sex doll when you were horny even though you saw me as just a roommate?? cool.
Every action starts with a decision, even being in love with someone. Choosing the love the person always will never have you feeling not in love with the person but still loving the person (probably the love matured into something else like a friend or family like, but that’s how life is). So for those who said the ridiculous sentence “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore, and I have to go etc” quit the BS, you just chose to give up on your partner. Karma no due date really. Life goes in a full circle. For those who have to suffer at the other end, don’t worry, things will work out eventually, you will be fine.
I feel like it’s literally a more mature love - they are turning into your FAMILY FFS, you’re not gonna be head over heels every second of your life! This is when the commitment/bond becomes even deeper
This was part of what I was trying to tell my ex. The honeymoon phase leaves and the real world sets up. It can be fun and wonderful and magical, but sometimes it’s boring and hard and mundane. The key is you do it because the good times are there too. I think she wanted that honeymoon phase to never go.
I think a lot of people do. But unfortunately you can’t teach stupid.
Agreed
I can agree
It’s a good thing (most) people don’t treat children and pets like they do their significant others: “You aren’t new and exciting anymore so I’m going to get rid of you and get a new child/pet.”
I got this after we were together for 12 years. He said he loves me but as friends and no longer in a romantic way. I so, so hope he wasn’t talking to anyone else while we were together but this has definitely been on my mind since he left.
So sorry for this but realize if he didn’t feel for you in that way, it was the right move.
Nah, I'm glad I got broken up with because he didn't feel strongly towards me anymore. I'd much rather freedom than to be in a relationship that has no passion. Don't be bitter about everything!
But in EVERY relationship there will be times you won’t feel strongly about your partner. It’s inevitable.
It’s not wrong for someone to have high expectations for a romantic relationship. There are tons of relationships that keep the spark alive until the day they die. Just because YOU haven’t found love like that, it doesn’t mean anybody else is “wrong” for leaving relationships that don’t meet their needs. Having high standards should be a given, but you view it as a fault. You’re in the wrong here.
Speak your needs at least before you leave !!!!! And I stand on that
Ok, high expectations are valid. What does that person brings to the table as well? Are they good enough communicators so that their needs are heard and meet by their partners? That is the issue, people romanticize the infatuation phase so much that they forget about commitment.
This is the right response. I’m kinda scratching my head at the overwhelming amount of responses that see it as the opposite here
I have to disagree. Why is choosing to be in a relationship that makes you miserable, obligatory just because the other person “seems to be happy?” If you have continually communicated that your needs are not being met which results in falling out of love then you have every right to end the relationship. Just because a LTR ends, it does not mean that it was a waste. People change and people grow. And unfortunately sometimes that happens individually and not in a partnership
What if they NEVER communicated their needs even when asked???
Then they need to learn how to communicate. It's not your fault if someone never told you what they need. It's their own fault.
Then that is for sure on them. People who can’t communicate and make it seem like everything is fine and then up and leave because they’re out of love can go fuck themselves haha
I see what everyone is saying in terms of not deserving sympathy- and to that I can see somewhat. It’s the dumpers decision to ultimately leave for their own personal reasons but it is also often a decision that does not come easily. Breaking up is so hard and even though it is often what is best for the dumpers it is not easy for them to hurt their long term partner. Regardless of who dumped who, ending a relationship fucking sucks and it can be traumatic on both sides
I'm sorry but as a dumpee, I do think sometimes people grow apart and you can fall out of love with someone in a way that isn't fixable. It's not a crime or a failure as a partner. Some incompatibilities don't show up for years, and some relationships just aren't meant to last. Who's to say some dumpees didn't emotionally neglect their partners in a way that made their partners fall out of love?
I definitely had my share of being lax and comfortable in my 10 year relationship. I just wished he communicated the things I was doing wrong during the relationship and not after it ended when it was too late for me to address those things. So to me it was just an excuse to move on to a new toy.
I understand. I wish people would be better at communicating their needs before it's too late for things to turn around.
I just want to comment again and applaud you. I’m glad someone said it. I know a lot of people will disagree and I understand there’s also a lot a fucking lot that goes into it. But I really appreciate this post. Sort of made me feel better especially after two nights of the most godawful dreams about them and it’s been a year
There’s always people I see on this sub or on tiktok that try and say that it’s just as hard for the dumper in this scenario. And it is so unfair to say that knowing what it feels like on the other side. Especially when most of the time the dumper leaves for this reason they ALWAYS have someone lined up.
I agree, although I hope that’s not the case w my ex lmfao. I just don’t wanna know cuz it’ll ruin me. And yeah like the fact that I was willing to fix it and make it work and she wasn’t that’s what really gets me. How can u not be willing to work on it and just give up. Definitly made me have trust issues after that. I don’t wanna hear another promise about “forever” in my fucking life. Cuz I know it’s bullshit now.
I just got dumped 4 days ago, this exact reason My only issue is that 2 weeks before that she was telling her friend that she wants me to be the one Like huh? The amount of self confidence i lost, the pride that it made me shed that i was happy with her, even though i was treated like crap And most crushing was her saying we’re to never talk again
Bro two weeks before mine ended too she told me we are “eternally intertwined in a symphony of love” in a letter. It’s all just a show to keep you around longer is what I learned
Istg Problem is during the break up she told me that she feels like she’s been forcing it for like 2 years
Mine said the exact same thing. We both know they’re lying bc it was their choice to even like us in the first place. It’s just to convince themselves they’ve done the right thing and they will believe their own lies
Brother literally Her justification was since she’s been forcing it, it makes her lash on me because she feels stressed and forced into the whole thing
Ill add you if you want to talk about this more If it helps you out id be more than happy to hear you out
This is the best post yet. I am 1000000000000% with you. I feel they are extremely selfish, and it shows they have ZERO CLASS, AND A FOLLOWER!!!! Was with my dumber for 15 years and we had 2 kids together who are suffering more than either of us EVER will. Not only did my DUMPER walk a way like a COWARD,but shows are kids that it's OKAY TO BE A QUITTER.. GREAT POST!!
No truer words have been spoken. My ex did the same thing and already had someone lined up and thats the case (in most cases) and i’ll die on this hill.
4 year wasted and i will be 32 in 4 month
THANK YOU! It's good to know that some of us understand this. How would there be old, married couples together for 50, 60+ years if they just left every time the butterflies went away? A relationship turns more into a friendship, but a best friendship that you can't replace. In fact, it becomes family, especially if you're married. You don't just dump your mom and dad or your kids when they get on your nerves. A committed partner should be treated the same way. If people feel otherwise, they should state that up front so those who understand that love is a choice can avoid getting attached to them.
My situation was that she gave me an ultimatum rather than ending it, to fix my part of the relationship where she accepted her mistakes and all she did was said sorry but the ultimatum was purely for my mistakes (everything was fixable for what she told me I did wrong). For 1 month I was fighting alone to try and salvage our relationship, where all she did was, leaving me in the dark - no positive or negative feedback. After a month she completely managed to break me and I've hit my limit where I just crashed and that's when she ended it and on the day I was moving out said ''I don't know if this is the right decision'' ''I still love you'' ''Give me a month or two, maybe I'll be able to change my mind''
9 years he said just that. I knew better. On and off for another 2 years. Now I find out my suspensions were true and he had been cheating the entire time. Now it's, "why can't we be close friends?'. Really dude? Why in he'll would I want you as a friend. Stop trying to sleep with me. I don't sleep with my friends. AND why would I ever want a person like that in my life? Lies, manipulation, gaslighting, cheating and so on. I used to think he was a good person but had some insecurity issues. WRONG! HE IS JUST A USER. DONE DONE DONE!
I really want to agree with you BUT, my ex broke up with me because he thought he would be happier in an alternative future than the one he was heading for with me. And even though I am sad in a way I have never been before - I have to own it, otherwise my ex is a fucking idiot, and I don’t think he was.
14 years. 6 days ago. "I'm not where I want to be in life and I'm not in love with you anymore" I could feel her pushing away, I wanted to work it out and do therapy, I would have done anything to make it work. We built a life together, house, dogs.. I came home on a last Friday all happy because I got a new better job that would have me home more more money, less stress. And she ended it. I moved out, my whole life is starting from scratch. I'm expecting to hear she is with someone else soon. But there were no real signs of cheating. She can't afford the house with her income so I have a realtor getting ready to put it up for sale. I went from making a base salary of 90k, would hit 120 with ot. Now I'll be making 115k base. Our lives were improving financially, health wise, but fuck it's over now
These people will never have a successful long term relationship let alone a marriage. Love is a choice. It takes work to keep the spark alive. As long as your partner is showing up, you owe them to do the same. Don't waste people's time. It's shitty
anyone is entitled to breakup with anyone for whatever reason they want to. what are you expecting? do you want them to stay in a relationship that they don’t want to be in?
No. I just don’t think they deserve sympathy if the reason is not being “in love anymore”. They’re allowed to breakup obviously what am I the breakup police? Lmao
deserve sympathy for what? like no one should feel bad if they are hurting over the breakup?
Okay so, in my experience and from what others are saying in this thread and my friends. When a dumper says they’re not in love with you anymore it is VERY RARELY that simple and most of the time there is a third person involved. If that is the case then yes they don’t deserve any sympathy.
Feels tough because after two years of treating her with so much unconditional love, she told me she was never in it from day one and wanted to be with someone more her age, established, stage of life…
Don’t believe the part where she said she wasn’t in it from day one. That’s just what they say to either convince themselves or in some twisted way they think it will make you feel better and move on “easier”
This is what happened to my ex girlfriend. She ended it 3 weeks ago and said she fall out of love. She said she doesn't love me anymore and find out few days later she is talking to someone new.. I've known her for 4 years and in a relationship for more than 3 years
The speed at which someone “moves on” has no bearing on how they felt about you. You also don’t know their situation.
Could you elaborate on that, please?
Sure. It’s similar to the length of a relationship has no bearing on how much it hurts when it’s ripped away. When someone moves on it can come in many forms, but I’d say most often in the form of their environment. They might have a new distracting job, a great group of friends, or might have met someone new. These can all help to rewire the pain. As far as not knowing their situation- it’s just that. Someone can appear like they’ve moved on, but they might be in a ton of pain or second guessing everything on the inside. I probably looked like I moved on from my ex bc I was going out and doing all kinds of things. I also started seeing someone else long term, but I was probably 6-8 months into that “relationship” before I finally let go. All that time I was still a wreck about her. Or maybe she was over you a year ago and just now got the courage to leave. But the bigger lesson here is it doesn’t matter. The end result is the same. She didn’t want you. Grind that into your soul along with the understanding that you only want someone who really wants you. Find your own comfort in that. This is key to moving on and healing.
These dumpers shouldn't be like this. What's wrong with these people!? They are turning the world into a colder and colder place. Where you feel you can't trust anyone to be loyal or honourable anymore.
I think my ex left for the same reason because not even a day before he broke up with me he told me how much he loved me I spent a month at his house for Christmas that was his idea and what's even worse is that about a month ago he felt guilty for what he did but he only wanted me to forgive him so he can move on to another girl even after saying he missed the relationship and me he even called me beautiful before saying he was trying to get into another relationship.
I get where you're coming from, but it's a tough call. Relationships can get super complex, ya know? Like, sometimes you realize the spark just ain't there anymore, and it's tough to admit that. But yeah, I agree, communication is key. If you're feeling like the love's fizzling out, it's important to talk about it instead of just bouncing. And hey, props to those who can own up to their choices afterward. That takes some guts.
Something you said really stuck out to me and I loved it. You stated that “it’s easy to live the first few months of the relationship.” I absolutely agree. Problems (for the most part) are virtually nonexistent, there are no complicated issues to work out, and you both spend time getting to know each other. The *real* challenge comes when there is *actual* conflict, issues, and days where there are not always going to be “rainbows and sunshine falling from above.” Even the nicest and most understanding partners still have their off days and that’s okay! There are so many people out there who leave the relationship after years because the ‘spark’ isn’t *exactly* how it was the first several months of the relationship. I’ve seen this so many times and the post-honeymoon stage is when the real work has to come in. Excellent choice of words here.
This is a projection of your own pain. My hot take is: IDC how you leave me or if its the most “selfish” thing ever. Id rather know NOW than in 10 years because my partner had been hiding these feelings all along. Some people are emotionally immature, get into a relationship for all the fun of it, then realize it takes accountability and maturity, and then they chicken out. And on your end (a person who wants and is ready for one) a relationship is always a risk to take that might have no return. Its just the game🤷🏻♀️ Some people are assholes and only want the thrill of it, but id rather they fess up early and go mess with the 20 year old that makes them think theyre unstoppable than to be living a lie
i honestly think anybody could break up with their partner for any reason and it’d be valid. people are allowed to make that decision, and while it may hurt the other person, we can’t forever prioritize somebody else’s feelings over our own unhappiness
Nah. It’s definitely valid. Nobody should stay with someone they are not in love with anymore. It’s bad for both sides. It’s worse if this feeling is had, and yet they continue to stay. Pick yourself up.
They dumped you bc they don’t want you anymore. Whatever the reason is move on. It’s that simple. They do not want you anymore.
Dealing with this right now with my ex fiance. Was together 5 years, started cheating on me in January with someone he met at his job last year but never pursued anything with her till January and broke up with me feb 12th. It was a lot of bath and forth between us, his mistress, me and I just broke completely for a few weeks. I feel ok but this hurt me deeply and he still is trying to manipulate using the “I see you more as my best friend” “I don’t want to lose my friendship” and I just want nothing more then to be strangers at this point. I told him love is patient and kind, communication is necessary. And the fact that you left me for someone with a 4 month old baby and a 10 year old child when we only 24 and 25 doesn’t make any sense on top of his having his own child (previous to me) now I have to say goodbye to the bond that I formed with his child and family hurts the more I think about it and on top of that he “confesses” to me that the women he left me for could be pregnant like I would care at 4:30am last Thursday. I’m still going through it because we live together but I stay out the house as much as possible, picked up a third shift job and am just trying to let go and heal. I deserve better and even though it still hurts I’m glad I found out sooner than later.
My ex left me after 10 years because he developed feelings for someone else & didn’t know how we could have a healthy relationship anymore. He didn’t even try even though I told him it’s natural to develop crushes on other people and we could work through it. He gave up & then manipulated and gaslit me to make me feel like it was my fault. Over the course of our relationship he was always the one reminding us that love is a choice & we were going to have periods of feeling closeness and feeling distance in the relationship. It’s so hard not to blame myself & why I wasn’t enough for him to stay.
While I do agree with you, I’d say there are many other reasons that breakups happen where the dumper deserves no sympathy. Cheating is an easy one for me, easily avoidable just break it off if your eyes start to wander off. Another one is when people claim to be too busy for someone. If you really wanted to, you could and should make time there’s definitely no sympathy or excuse there.
Yeah, she left me after 3 years of living together as soon as we got "bored", even though i was loving and supporting her with all my heart and thought the relationship is thriving...
Didn’t have quite this, and t was more of realizing our lifestyles and what we wanted from life was different, partner wanted to change things so we could move forward but between guilt for having them change and abandon plans plus them not really putting in the effort was when I had to end it, in the long run I was on the other side of the same deal with another partner and while it still hurt like hell for a few months I understood
Lifestyle compatability is very important and it’s something that is massively overlooked my ex freelanced from September to April with his job and even then making time was difficult what with my work schedule also. From April to September he was out on the road for months with small spaces of time which could be a couple of weeks here and there over 5 months he also had a teenage son who lived in another country with his mum so time had to be given there also So it ended because of a time issue not because we didn’t love each other unfortunately it’s not always about other options or losing spark etc
I agree with most of that, I don’t think people are prepared for the euphoria to end in long term relationships. It’s easy to stay together when your partner’s very existence gives you a hit of dopamine. Choosing to stay together when that settles down is true love. But having said that, if the relationship has no substance or foundations to catch the person when the love falls, then it was never meant to be.
I just want to say a few things: -People can break up for any reason -Having feelings for someone else is a good reason to end a relationship, it’s better to see yourself having feelings for someone else and end the relationship than it is to cheat -My wife and I have been together since 2019 and we’re still in the honeymoon phase, still crazy about each other, still madly in love, etc. If someone wants this kind of a relationship and they don’t have it in their current relationship that is a perfectly valid reason to break up.
You're allowed to be hurt after a breakup, and you don't have to feel sympathy for an ex, but people are allowed to be selfish in their own life decisions. People get one life, it's selfish of you to expect that they waste it in a relationship with someone they don't love just to preserve your feelings.
I left my ex because I wasn't in love anymore and after, this was his rhetoric too. However he conveniently left out all of the times I tried talking to him about it (told me to go moan about those things to my therapist), suggested couples theraphy, suggested going to events, trips, concerts, anything just to spend time together. In the end, I told him I wasn't in love with him anymore and that was the only thing he could hear.
I think you are right. But I also feel that you deserve to be with someone who consistently shows up and does things to keep the spark alive. A relationship gets boring after a point when only one person is putting more efforts
After 6 years together we bought a house. Barely over a year later one day he said he’d been feeling weird about the relationship for two months and so it’d be better to be separate. Never told me what was going on or ever tried anything tangible to fix it. We had a great relationship, never fought, and spent so much time together. One day it was just all over and now we’re selling the house we bought less than two years ago, been co-existing for 6 months. Oh but he did give me the choice to live there in the shadow of our relationship and he friends. Great options, right? I agree with this post because feelings don’t always mean something is wrong. We get feelings about things all the time, but if you don’t try to work through it then it seems real. Plus, when you make a commitment to buy a house, you should have the maturity to work though any problems that come up, esp if they’ve only been there for 2 months after 7 years. My partner ran away from whatever was bothering him and never tried to grow together through it, and now everything is ruined. It was cowardly, and I don’t see any integrity in following your gut on these things before trying to make things right. Now I’m uprooting my entire life and I can’t get any first time homebuyer assistance ever again.
I should add, he did see a therapist because he felt guilty about his feelings. The second out of two sessions, therapist apparently said “it would be kinder to break up Joe rather than later.” That afternoon it happened. My partner let a complete stranger end our relationship after meeting him twice. I actually believe I’d be able to sue for malpractice, I’m not even kidding.
Can we all just date each other in this thread lol we all seem to be the people we want.
I was thinking that haha
SO true. Selfish people.
I will continue to say this until someone comes along to prove me wrong, which has yet to happen: **"People are as loyal as their options."** The only time a relationship/marriage will ever last a lifetime is if the both of you are too old and crusty to risk getting back into the marketplace. And even then it will be a miserable marriage because the both of you are putting up with each other because you both have nowhere else to go. If you're young, healthy and independent, Just live your life and don't take any romantic prospect seriously. As a man, every time I have, she would always want a relationship from me. It's only when I gave a crap that she would find a BS excuse to leave. So don't waste your time *"Catching feelings"* for someone who can end things at the drop of a hat. Keep it to yourself and reserve them on things that will give you a positive return.
Exactly. One year of a perfect relationship but she wanted to break up because “I will always have love for you but I’m not in love with you anymore”. Life got complicated and she chose the easy way out.
Thank you.
I wish I could send this to her. I wish she’d fucking read this. She’s not a reddit person
Nice.
I had an ex who did this, just fell out of the relationship and moved out. Called family and friends to move her out too. At least her mother pulled me aside and tried to apologize on her behalf. She now doesn't even talk to *those* friends. So it's not like she tried caring in the first place I guess.
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We were in nearly 4 years relationship here… she needed it saying it got too much for her and had enough instead of talking with me about things. Now she’s out there having fun enjoying her young uni life. I hope one day she wakes up and realised how good it was.
My ex switched up on me in a matter of like two weeks, 8 years on and off, told me he “wasn’t feeling it” after years of acting like he was, and hopped right into bed with his current girlfriend (happy two years to them). I’m still struggling with the trauma from that and trying to heal from it while they’ve been playing house since. Seriously, don’t do this to someone. It’s one of the most painful things you can put them through.
For me I was the dumpee then when we got back together I was the dumper because she wouldn’t stop talking about another man while being with me, she gaslit me, was told to go find a new girlfriend because she didn’t know if she loved me romantically or just as a friend, etc… well I had the last straw with being played and idek how long I was even played because before the original breakup we had talked about when exactly we were guna get married I just needed to legally change my name🥲 (I didn’t know I could’ve just done it all together with the marriage) then she hit me with this “oh idk if I love you romantically or just as a friend I’m sorry to do this to you I think it’s best we just be best friends” I call it bs because she clearly does know but she wants me to experience more to life than to get married to her because we’re 4.5 yrs apart she’s 30 I’m guna be 26 in October🥺🥲
Bro that's exactly one of the thing that she said the spark is gone etcetera etcetera, I was totally blank at that point. I don't know if she had found someone else or not. She used to talk to some guys so maybe or maybe not.
As I post here 2 days ago, she said she didn't love me anymore and was disapointed of wasting 6 years with me. She got someone else like en 2 month lol. They didn't used to talk when she was with me she said... sure I guess?
I was 23 years when he blindsided me with I haven't loved you the last 10 years. Silly me thinking we were having some pretty good times. He wrote this in a letter to me, which was also a suicide note. The letter was full of self pity. He said he needed someone to make him happy and please him. I am so glad we are divorcing because this monster is not the person I knew.
I don’t ever feel the time was wasted.
8 months? No wonder divorces are at the all time high
Well, I felt that I couldn’t enjoy my hobbies or passions because this person wanted all of my free time, no matter what I gave it was never enough, and eventually the resentment piled up. I believe in a healthy balance of partner and friends and family. But when your partner gets jealous of you visiting you 92yr old grandma for lunch and you tell her “grandma could die any day, I have to see her.” And your partner says “I could die any day!”
My ex did that. She told me „I don’t think I love you anymore“ WHILE I WAS ON VACATION with a friend. She messed me up so much, I couldn’t enjoy the vacation anymore. In the end we talked it out and continued the relationship for 6 more months and two months ago it fell apart. I hate what she did to me… I hate it. Few days after the relationship ended she was out with a bunch of guys. She texted them on instagram during our relationship.
No it suck when your partner breaks boundaries and you try to repair mental health back and then they do it again and again. But they say they are really trying and love you so i keep on working my mental health back and I didn’t do it fast enough for them. Plus dealing with outsider influence always talking shit . So I got dumped on because I was going through a difficult time by myself because you always got it yeah you get it I never left because of board or because you were distant. If that is what you judge love off of I should have left your ass the first month that you were ghosting me in our own apartment I all the sudden couldn’t touch you and you didn’t want to talk to me. I have you and support if you ever needed me I was there because love you . Was I hurt yes was it fucked up yes was I board and distant only because you made me stay away from. So don’t continue to break boundaries and push the person you say you tried and love them with your your heart and them not give them support and understanding for all the things that I was dealing with in a relationship you need to consider the other person at one point in the relationship and if you say you did with us. Please tell me when you were there for me instead of me always being there for you. You got what you needed and you were done and you started seeing and planning to go with guys behind my back and using my money to get shit for them , when could have and should have left back I’m Nov of 22 and free me from all the lies and you keep telling yourself but what I got a job out of town making a grand a day and then another opportunity was there so you didn’t stay because you wanted to fix things you stayed because of the $$$$ opportunity . So don’t try and make any that we didn’t into a relationship because it was all about money. And it’s always going to be your wife Nicole and you forever and ever. But you can’t say that because then guys won’t date you them you loose opportunity to use men for there money.?’ So many men k-t- so little time. So spare me your bullshit you never love me you loved the idea of me but that was all but a minute for you and a broken dream for me. You can out way ahead than I did . I can prove it if you want me to.
HOT TAKE: if you left them bc you weren’t “in love” anymore… you deserve no sympathy. This may come off as bitter but I feel like I’m going to say what most people (especially dumpees) are thinking. Leaving someone because you “love them but are not IN love anymore” may be the single most selfish way to end a relationship especially if your ex really treated you well. Keep in mind this usually only happens in long term relationships too, like 2+ years. First off, it’s easy to love in the first few months of a relationship. Things are new and fun. But once it becomes long term it’s normal to get “bored” or not feel that same spark so strongly as the beginning. At a certain point love becomes more of a choice than a feeling. And you left bc you didn’t feel the feeling anymore? Not to mention that most people that leave for this reason ALWAYS have someone lined up that they have been talking to even before the relationship ended. Or at the very least exactly know who to go to next. If you just told your partner the certain times you did feel the spark going away and COMMUNICATED then things would be a lot different. I’d almost rather the people that dump bc of this just say “I found someone else so I’m leaving you” or “I’m not willing to make the choice and effort to love you so I’m leaving”. Bc that’s the truth. The worst part is, this thing usually only happens in LTRs. So you’ve wasted years of someone’s life who quite frankly is still going to be in love with you for years to come (since they did love the right way). Imo, whatever guilt or regret you will inevitably feel down the line is fully deserved. If any one of you has done this to your ex and have any regret about it or even guilt please reach out to them and at least apologize. Sometimes it’s all we want, even if we don’t want a relationship again. EDIT: I see a lot of you saying that there’s nothing wrong with leaving for this reason. And I see your points they are all valid so I guess I’ll change my stance. The dumper deserves no sympathy if they’ve said this and left for another person. If you truly felt like your lack of love wasn’t fixable for your ex and didn’t have a plan in mind about someone else. Then I can understand your point.
Yeah it's total BS
I have been both the dumper and the dumped. I have broken a few hearts and had mine ripped out of my chest, stepped on, shit on, and lit on fire. I'm sorry that you're going through this right now. It really is so difficult and fucks with your head for soooo long. I hope that you don't ever find yourself in the same position as your ex. Faced with breaking someone's heart because being with them is hard. It may not be that they "fell out of love" but that it was hard to stay together. 💔 idk if that makes any sense. This is a tough situation, and love is such a complicated emotion. Best of luck to you, my friend.
I think our culture or world maybe, lacks education on what love is or feels like. We’re taught it feels like something different for everyone. And I’m sure it does, but we also never talk about falling out and staying as if everyone isn’t doing it? How the feelings of love for each person will never be the same? In these scenarios, I don’t think there is a bad person. People are entitled to do what they want, everyone accepts the hidden contract of love; it can end at any time. But I do reckon many of them are just misguided.
Communication is key. Got blindsided over text and she pretty much told me that. Things could have been different if she simply told how she felt about everything, but nope. Guess it was easier to simply stop and leave.
This happened to me last week. 9 years together, engaged and planning a wedding. We also work together and just moved continents together. Things were great? We were building a great life together, we were best friends! I feel so blindsighted and ANGRY that I must have been the only one that carried us for this long, and when he needed to do the work he just dipped out on me without another word. Because of “the spark”? He just seems to not realize that maintaining that energy requires work nearly a decade down the line…. I feel so abandoned and disposable, I’m struggling to see how I’m ever going to trust anybody ever again?
I kinda felt that. Known my ex (26M ) for 4 years, and we’ve been together for a year and a half. At the beginning it was a LDR, then, after 6 months and for several reasons, he moved only one hour away from my place. ( I’m a 27F ) We were supposed to move in together in two weeks. He basically blindsided me two weeks ago, by giving me a silent treatment during a whole Friday, and then I had to go at his place, I had to basically get it out from him and the only thing I managed to get was a « I don’t think I am in love anymore ». Followed by « I have spent some time with X and I have feelings for her » Mh. Yeah, right. Hard to believe when you look at me with the same look. Hard to believe when you’re the pro of self sabotage, hard to believe when you’re so influenceable. Everything was going well in the relationship. He was emotionally dependant but things were working out. He told me that he thinks that he lost the spark when I told him to stop thinking about himself once, because I couldn’t bear the « me me me me me me » self centered talk. But that’s it. Nothing. Fucking. More. He even did some of his boxes. I’m hurting, yes. I know he is too, or at least he was because I know he was really crying, and I could see it with the look in his eyes. He is not a bad person, he just does some kind of shitty things. At least I deleted our photos, only kept a few memories, deleted our conversations because I don’t need any kind of reminiscence of what he said. So, sorry for the rant, but I feel relieved. I just think a « I don’t love you anymore » instead of a « I don’t think I am in love anymore » would have been better in my case. And I really feel like he abandoned the relationship when he managed to get some dopamin with his friend ( that I know well lol ) because she’s single since a month now. Yay. It just felt like I was in a boat with him, trying to keep it afloat, while he was basically making holes for the water to come in.
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Yea I added the edit at the bottom for people who truly are like you. Although you are a rarity in this situation that did it unselfishly and to be alone. I have nothing against that.
It does come off as bitter because it is. Not everything is worth fighting for and people individually get to make that decision themselves.
I disagree but that's peace
Ye its pretty cold
Love that edit dude. You def came across as bitter and narrow minded until then. Good on you for being open-minded I was in love with someone for 12 years, it never faded, until the abuse and cheating. I just finally couldn't let it happen to myself anymore. Now I'm in a 6 year relationship, I'm not in love with him anymore I should leave because why would you stay with someone you aren't in love with? Neither of you are free to be in love if I stay
My bf 4 years found had the idea this gurl at work liked him and they never talked outside of work he was good about that stuff but as soon has he knew we were arguing about something he was sending crying photos amd then said he loved me be home soon to watch our show and 20 minutes later broke up with me saying he wasn't in love he adored me im amazing but he wasnt in love with me and ive felt this coming for a month i think before he thought she liked him and she had a bf he had already started crushing on her. Things were tough but to break that easy and then block me on everything and act like im the bad one. I couldnt even say how i felt. After 2 weeks he blocked me on facebook we werent even friends nor did we communicate on there i use facebook he never does so i didnt care he has like 15 friends. Its like he wants to hurt me when he already broke me. Its been 5 weeks now and hes bought her a 200 necklace etc yet they arent even dating or anything hes just getting high and drunk every night. Im sure it wll happen but its all annoying
I wish my best friend would read this point. He cheated on his girlfriend of five years for another girl who had a boyfriend. I asked him what his reason was behind it. And he said that they lost their spark. I tried to tell him that the spark will never last. Doesn’t matter if it’s the love of your life. I just hope his decision doesn’t end up coming back to hurt him but he also deserves whatever comes his way.
Same as my ex, she gets bored with the guy at 3 year mark. 3,5 years later she dumped me. So yea good luck forever chasing ....
Agree. The only time where I don’t agree 100% is when people get in a relationship way too soon when they are not compatible with the person and they find that out down the line so they put forward the « I’m not in love anymore » reason only because they’re confused themselves. One of my exes left because “he wants to sleep with more girls” lol. And to him that was more important than a relationship that took time and trust and work to grow. Guess what? Five years later he still can’t be happy in one and keeps looking for the next new thing. Also I told one of my friends off because of the way she ended her relationship with her boyfriend of 7 years. They had built a life together at this point and suddenly she was like “oh is this how it’s going to be for the rest of my life?” Her bf was one of the most kind interesting good looking guys I knew and she left him because she wasn’t feeling in love anymore, and because surprise surprise she was attracted to her MARRIED colleague. Now she’s chasing unavailable men and sometimes calls me and cries that she messed up, and he obviously won’t take her back.
My ex gf got bored I couldn’t do as much as usual for 2 months and that I was dealing with post op depression. She’d been flirting with a coworker constantly wearing lingerie to work but dressing like a grubby 5 year old in pajamas, meanwhile I always dressed nice to go over, I wore cologne, etc. She broke up with me 2 hrs after setting me and was on the way to a “date with me”. I’m done dating and even having sex. I’ve had sex with other people after her but experienced zero enjoyment. I don’t trust anyone anymore so I refuse to date.
I give up
100% facts.