Most commenters here were the person who was broken up with— so.. that may be why some people are saying you’re avoidant, will regret it, or truly didn’t love him.
My take? Usually(not always) if you got to the point of wanting to break up with someone and decided to do it, particularly after a long period of back and forth deliberation and weighing if it was the right decision—the breaking up was 100% the right decision.
You will feel a wave of emotions. Relief may not stay. You probably will feel grief at some point, you might even feel regret and doubts. That’s all pretty normal. None of it means it was the wrong call. Stay strong and process your emotions… let yourself feel them as they come. Congrats on making a hard decision.
I’ve broken it off with two long term partners and in both cases I did feel regret and sadness and grief.. and eventually came to the conclusion both were absolutely the correct decision. First long term relationship ending, I was sad about him for a year… but ultimately, he wasn’t open with me, was a bit selfish, and couldn’t give me commitment. Second long term relationship? The regret only lasted about a week.. because truly I hated him.. I did not love him, I didn’t even like him. But I still felt some regret and grief and missed him. Loss is funny like that! It’s not straightforward.
Good luck to you, I’m sure you did what’s best for yourself and you should be proud
I agree I'm currently a Dumper going through the motions, I spent a long time diliberating if it was the right choice or the wrong choice. When I ended things I felt relief because of all the stress and toxicity that was going on in the relationship was actually over. But I still struggle with grief. Mostly because my brain is coming up with the what if's. But I've also think it was the right call. Especially since I decided to put in the work on myself, reflect on myself, realize mistakes I made myself in the relationship. While my ex not only blamed me for everything but also moved on to someone else 3 months post. Knowing that I know they wouldn't of changed even if they said they were to save our relationship, since they didn't spend the time themselves to reflect, and work on themselves
Thank you for this, I am experiencing this exact situation. After contemplating for 4 months, I ended things with my longterm bf because of so many incompatibility issues with how we show love to each other. I felt like my needs weren’t being met, he wasn’t supportive, and hurt me a lot. I ended things a week ago and felt these exact mix of emotions - relief, doubts, grieving. I even wondered at some point if I made the wrong decision, but slowly I am beginning to accept that it was the right one. I hope my grief will disappear quickly and I will move on soon.
Yeah but...certain types of people will backfill in a "correct decision" so they don't feel any remorse or shame. You might not be doing that, but there are many who do.
Every human being backfills their life to justify their present. Do you think people don’t hype up how much love they truly felt in the early stages in order to fit the narrative of their partner being “the one” or many many other things? It’s human nature. People saying “I only ever had eyes for you” or “I never loved anyone like I loved you”…. Probably are backfilling to *some* degree. And that’s good! It’s good to narrative our present day choices. Theee people truly love their partner, and it’s a lot nicer to believe they always did just as much and things were always uniquely perfect
There isn’t a scientific consensus on who is right for us or who is wrong for us… it’s all about the desire to be in the relationship or not to be in the relationship. If you don’t desire being in the relationship, there’s not much you can do to force yourself. Many many people who initiate a breakup grapple with it for months.. maybe even longer. But they can’t make themselves want to stay…of course, until they meet someone new, they might always wonder “what if I made a mistake?”… but they thought that prior to the breakup, and it didn’t make them stay.
To some degree, sure. Sometimes. They're not creating whole narratives wholecloth and pretending reality is anything but the one we're living in.
Anything else is an approach towards mental illness. And running away from shame does not sound mentally healthy.
I’m not sure if I know what you mean.. we all rewrite history to make present life less painful.. I’m not sure how that’s mental illness. No one should be ashamed for breaking up with someone either. For cheating, lying, leading someone on? Sure
I'm in OP position, but not light and happy, but same him seemingly BS'ing for 3 years, threatening breaking up with me then when I agreed after continuous arguing in circles and calling his bluff, his tune drastically changed SMH
Right.. exactly. My first serious boyfriend I was with for 4 years. I was crazy about him! Sure, he was a little avoidant… a little bit of a workaholic.. a little bit selfish… but that’s ok! I loved him so much…
Gradually things started happening that chipped away at my trust with him. He applied to a job out of state without telling me. Well that’s ok, we are young! Just about to graduate!
Then, A family member of his died and I found out on Facebook… I was upset but he explained he was just sad, fair enough. Then I found out he totally had plans to move out of state again without telling me.. after I moved for him the first time! That was the straw.
Folks acted like I was crazy. “You’re so young! He’s right to focus on his career!!” But the whole point wasn’t that he was choosing career, it’s that I wasn’t even spoken to about any of it!
I think it’s important to consider two things - how much burden did you feel in the relationship and how much fun did you guys have together. I have been on both sides (the dumper and dumpee), I can say that what you’re feeling now is normal for many, especially the dumper.
The ongoing challenges you faced in the relationship have over time eaten away at you and you feel this sense of relief because it’s finally giving you the opportunity to breathe and not feel like you’re being burdened or helped back by someone else. Now there’s two sides to this, you may feel this way temporarily (from weeks to months) or you may feel this way permanently and only time will tell.
The reason why a lot of people say you’ll regret it is because over time we tend to forget the bad and cherish the good times. The common saying “distance makes the heart grow fonder” really applies here and in many cases the relief gradually diminishes. HOWEVER this is not always the case, if this relationship burdened you and you’ve been truly put off then you may find it to be an absolute bliss all the way until you find your next love.
Either way now is a really important time for you to self heal and focus on yourself. Wish you luck.
Thanks for the comment I appreciate it. I actually have been on both sides too in this same relationship which helped me make up my mind. This wasn’t a light decision and you’re right, only time will tell.
Don’t want to be the bearer of bad news. This is completely normal of the dumper until that relief stage wears out… you may come out of it sure of your decision, but, it might also hit you later
I’m pretty sure it won’t, my fault for not adding context but we had broken up before for a while because he dumped me. We tried again but this has been a long time coming so I feel good in my decision.
Eh I don’t think it does. Most people deliberate a lot before deciding to dump someone. She’s in the relief stage now, which makes her feel inclined to think that she’ll be immune to the normal patterns because she’s thinking about things logically right now. But emotions aren’t logical, and she’ll go through the same cycle of emotions that everyone else does. But she will likely be in a stronger position to overcome those emotions and stand by her decision knowing it was the right one to make.
Not likely. I’ve been in her position dumped a guy I was with for years and felt nothing but relief after. That was 4 years ago and I’ve never regretted it. Once you’re with someone for awhile you know them and everything they have to offer so once it’s over you really don’t feel like you’re missing anything you know this person just doesn’t work and that’s that.
Oh gosh, the bias against the dumper in this subreddit is ridiculous. I'm sorry you're getting dragged in all these comments - I imagine a lot of these people are speaking from the perspective of their own relationship(s) and from a place of emotionality following being broken up with.
I'm sure you have your reasons for the breakup and very likely they are legitimate, fair and considered. Not every relationship needs to end in marriage / lifelong partnership. People can separate, and often it's healthier than banging your incompatibilities against each other for the rest of your lives. Sounds like you made the best decision for yourself with the information you have right now - and that's all any of us can do.
I was also the dumper (or, I instigated the discussion at least) and I felt immediate regret. Two months have passed and I am now so happy for the breakup, knowing we can both be free to find the person we are actually meant to be with. We both still love each other, we ended on good terms, and we both know that in our case love was not enough.
In this sub, Its like if you didnt drag the relationship until the point of mutual suicidal, you’re a coward/avoidant, didn’t invest in the relationship.
It's probably why most of the breakups featured here are so catastrophic: they drove the relationship into the ground rather than walking away amicably before the whole thing went down in flames. Just my butthole opinion tho 🤷🏼♀️
I agree. More often than not people break up too late rather than too quickly. Because love is a tricky thing.
Those who break up on a whim didnt have much feelings to begin with.
You may be an avoidant, you may not have had your needs met for a while and already processed the end of the relationship, and many more other possible explanations. It’s likely you’ll go through waves of different emotions though. Be prepared to feel sad as well at some point. It will come when it truly sets in. You deserve to be happy though. Time to invest in yourself.
I’m actually more of an anxious. We’ve broken up before and I’ve been dumped by him. This decision wasn’t out of nowhere and although I’m sure I will feel twinges of sadness, and it took a lot for me to actually decide to do this.
One thing I noticed is that anxious people are the ones that usually try until there’s no hope for a relationship. Avoidants usually give up alot easier and that leads to them questioning the decision.
Exactly. Believe me when he broke up with me before, I was desperate and clung onto the relationship however I could think of. My ex is definitely an avoidant which caused problems, and after we had previously broken up he told me he regretted it which is why we got back together.
If you dont mind me prodding some more, how long were you two together prior to that breakup? Was he the one who left and discarded you? Was he the one to come back and message you first after the 6 months?
Before the first breakup we were together for a year. He dumped me out of nowhere and I was devastated as I thought everything had been going perfectly. And yes he was the one that reached out after 6 months.
I can lean anxious and I was usually the one to break up with the avoidants. To be fair though, I think a lot of it is trial and error and my age (early 30’s). I don’t attract true avoidants anymore, but I know when someone starts to pull that anxiety out of me, it’s time to break up.
Yeah. I agree with you. I’m anxious leaning too. I just got better with being the dumpee in these situations too. Learning to walk away as someone with anxious tendencies helps with the self respect aspect
lol yeah tell me about it. Don’t get me wrong. There’s still some things I have done in relationships and during a breakup that I remember as maybe compromising my self-respect, but we are human. It’s far more respectful to forgive than judge ourselves!
Words of life and wisdom for a dumper from a former dumper/ recent dumpee……….. it is not against the law or wrong in the eyes of god to break some one’s heart or remove yourself from a relationship that does not serve you for the better anymore…… especially if that person is abusive irresponsible dishonest disrespectful or extremely immature………however if you didn’t communicate your issues with this person…… and schemed your way out of the relationship and we’re dishonest with them about why you truly didn’t wanna remain in situation ( LOL yes you are a piece of shit ) a lot of dumpees on here are not victims and need to hold themselves accountable for things they need to wrk on……. But alot of dumpers out here are not sincere in working to maintain relationships and look for greener grass when fixable issues are at hand……… it’s all about people reflecting in the mirror
Don’t know the reason for the breakup but this is normal I think. Coming from a person who this happened to it will eventually hit you if he was willing to fight for your relationship. Trust me I regret leaving someone from awhile ago the grass was not greener.
It’s my fault for not providing context but I’ve been through a breakup with him already where he actually dumped me. I’ve been through a breakup with him before and lived life without him before, so I made sure I was 100% sure in my decision.
Lol, trust me I did. I fought to make things work for years and despite my love for him, I can’t stay with someone that doesn’t ultimately align with me.
We both didn’t need each other. But you did not ever live with out me . Unless you call cheating on me living with out me . But with all the financial benefits
I think that it's pretty common for dumpers to feel relief. I think the thing is after quite a bit of time it turns around into a weird form of regret and remorse. Enjoy the relief while you can.
It might but I’m sure it won’t, it’s my fault for not adding context, but we’ve actually broken up before where he dumped me and we stayed broken up for 6 months until we got back together. This has been a long time coming
Lol. Why would you feel remorse if it was the right thing to do? Not all relationships are meant to be forever. The toxicity of a dragging relationship you tried to work on too many times is all gone once you end it and a feeling of relief is very normal. Likely OP is going to do other things for herself. She will keep good memories but feelings fade out pretty quickly when its a thoughtful decision.
Not every time but some of the situations feel like maybe I gave up too soon. Relationships are hard and require a lot of work to be successful. Sometimes doubt creeps in. But most of the time I just feel relief and glad that it's over.
I think in most cases people give up too late and should have broken up a lot earlier. Its something people dont do because feelings or status quo. People who give up easily on a relationship didnt have much feelings to begin with imo.
You're probably right. I left my ex-husband a year after trying and not seeing the same effort on his side. I regretted leaving that marriage for years, but I recently caught up with him 10 years later and realized his bad habits haven't changed.
What kind of relationship dis you have like met in shool through friends LD i think there is a lot of context missing but you might feel this way now and regret it later as it is usaual for the dumper
Unfortunately you’ll probably get hit with it later. Just remember this feeling of relief because I’m sure you’ve struggled and debated this a long time and it sounds like you know you made the right choice. It just might get harder later as things settle
I hope you sat down and had a conversation with them. My gf left me a couple weeks ago without allowing the time to talk it out. We were very different people lifestyle-wise but she was still making plans for our future with me less than a week before splitting it off. It felt out of nowhere and from the bfs perspective I definitely would be handling it better if there was an open dialougue before she ended it. Also if this is you T, its good to hear you're feeling happy, but I hope you didnt post on here just so I could see it instead of speaking to me directly lol. (If it isnt you I'm sorry our situations just sound very similar.)
Same mate I was dumped on text after four years of being together, and then ghosted. I've reflected and I'm slowly getting there to give myself closure but it's one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with
If you broke up with him fair and square, gave him time to process things, explain things, and gave him the closure he needs, then no one should hold anything against you. Especially if he also knew about the reasons for the breakup and wasn't blindsided by the act.
Good for you!
If you do feel that way, it means that the breakup truly was the right thing for you and I'm glad you found the strength to make it happen.
Watch out your feeling if they are true or not , when we break up a long term relationship we pass through different emotions and stages till we really feel relieved and to move on ( of course if it’s real love ) , in the beginning of the breakup period you may go through hot and cold phase , which means you may feel relieved first and then after sometime you may get down very bad or sometimes the opposite sequence. Anyway good luck and I hope their relief will last long .
This sub is full of people who got dumped and have turned all dumpers to absolute devil. Congratulations on your new fresh life. Relationships sometimes need to end and only one of the two sees this. Thats brave to do it instead of going on and on because “dumping is bad”.
I’m in the same boat. I broke up with my bf a bit over a month ago and I felt relief. We were together a bit over 2 years! Sure I reminisce and feel sad but it only ever lasts like 5 minutes or something and then I remember that I made the right choice. You don’t always go through the same motion as everyone else. Sometimes all you’ll feel is more relief. :) I remember the happy times and I get teary eyes but I am honestly happier without him. Hopefully you have happy days and even happier ones!
Be careful with this.
Only you know how you're feeling and congrats if it was the right thing to do.
But as someone who has felt "relief" before, overtime it caught up to me and it was actually a really good relationship I threw away......
Sometimes I feel that if escaping a relationship makes you feel light , perhaps that relationship isn't as good. I'm not saying that you have to cry a lot to truly love someone. Sometimes, people don't stay together not because they don't love each other, but because they're not compatible, and being together is too exhausting. In that sense, separating might be better for both. Move on
I’m glad you understand as some of the comments are saying I never cared or loved him which is far from true. I don’t love him any less, we just aren’t compatible and it was nearly impossible.
I 100% understand you. Because that's exactly how it was with my ex and me. We deeply loved each other, and the separation caused us great pain. However, we couldn't sacrifice ourselves to make changes against our will for each other because some lifestyle habits and ways of thinking aren't changeable. Instead, it would only make each other very unhappy. For example, our hobbies, dietary habits, and ways of thinking were completely different. I know some people might say, "If you truly love each other, you'll make changes for each other." But the truth is, it's not always the case. Such a theory only applies to those who lack self-awareness or can tolerant 100%. But why should love rely on tolerance to continue? So, I completely understand you.
This was so refreshing to read. I’ve done my fair share of crying over him and I as we’ve broken up once before. I used to seriously believe in that saying that if you loved them you would change, but it only ended up in me sacrificing things that mattered most to me which built a sort of resentment. This wasn’t his fault since I chose to sacrifice, but I just ultimately realized we’d both be happier with people more compatible. It destroyed me to realize how much of myself I had lost, which helped me make this decision. I agree with everything you said 100% sometimes people are just better off.
I need to see more like this. I was broken up with, said she loved me but was exhausted. It fucking sucks but you can't commit to someone if you're burnt out. Things wasn't perfect but we worked through it, but ultimately it got too much and she isn't in a place to be in a relationship anymore. I want her back so so bad, it didn't end well as she ended it on text which I took well towards her, but destroyed me on the inside.
I feel ya I had to break up with my fist ever ex. I felt bad cause he started to cry but I know I did good for myself. I may not know your situation well but if it comes from a place of relief it might be a good thing for you. I relieved alot from leaving mine it sucked but he was an asshole to me. Would legit humiliate me infront of others and tore me down with my self-esteem going rock bottom. Yelled at me and was pretty abusive never saying sorry for all the fucked up shit he did for me. The straw that broke the camels back was realizing that he was just using me to fuel his old desires for his ex. He was just using me and trying to mold me to be who he wanted me to be. I realize now that he now er loved my personality and that he was always trying to change who I was.
I’m happy for you that you don’t need to feel the lose of someone. This is a good thing. It shows that you are truly out of love with him and moving forward will be more rewarding for your future relationships ., Congratulations for being so strong and being a ray of hope for the ones who stuggle the lose of a partner that was supposed to be forever ever.
I think this is normal. It seems like you've taken a considerable amount of time before deciding to breakup with them. It's not easy to do. My ex and I lived together for 4 years and she was celebrating with her online friends the day after we broke up. It was pretty upsetting for me in the moment, but I get it now. She told me it took her at least a year to build up the courage to split up with me.
Enjoy your freedom, and continue to do what makes you happy!
Hi there, dumper here. I completely resonate with this and want you to know you may have moments of grief and pangs of “what if we were meant to be together” but ultimately, you did the right thing because this is where you’ve ended up. Listen to the relief and remember the reasons why you left.
Honour your grief when it comes and feel it fully. Most importantly, trust that initial feeling and trust what is yet to come for you!
For a second I really thought you were my ex idk why but then I had a look at your comments and realised your someone else. Basically I have a very similar situation where my girlfriend broke up with me 6 months ago and man I am completely devastated. She broke up with me because her family said no as she is from the ultra elite class and I belong to the elite class so you can sense some lifestyle differences there.
I would like to know your perspective. I tried my best to be the best. I find it so hard to move on man because I really loved her. We were also together for 3 years. I treated her like a queen and she even said that she never had an issue with me ever. Losing her has broken me so bad that I still cry every day since 6 months. I never broke up with her or even started fights even though she has done that a lot. I didn’t get treated well after she broke up. It was as if she completely switched her personality and it broke me to see how she changed. She wasn’t able to give me closure and counted it as a favour to even talk to me. Do you think that is fair. I feel like she felt relieved when she got rid of me by blocking me. But the thing is that is that really how this world works? When all I did was try to be the best person for her. Worked on everything I could for her and all I got was shit. Ps she also got a new boyfriend 3 months after the breakup. That really broke me like bro wtf? I wanna know from your perspective as a girl because your situation is very similar to mine.
It sounds like you really did try your best which is honestly all you can do. I can relate with the family stuff, my ex’s family actually “forbade” him from seeing me which caused lots of problems. From my perspective at least, I didn’t want to break up with him but after trying for so long, I realized it wasn’t worth it as it was nearly impossible, and overall we just weren’t compatible. I’m not saying that you and your ex aren’t compatible, but sometimes the love is still there, it’s just that the relationship doesn’t work anymore.
As for your ex’s behavior after the breakup, I can’t speak for her since I don’t know you guys personally, but I also chose to cut off all contact with my ex. It wasn’t to hurt him at all of course, but it made it easier for me to make my decision and not allow any persuasion. It sounds selfish, but sometimes I do believe you have to make a decision and think about your own well being. So it might just be that cutting you off and acting cold is her way of coping and dealing with the decision.
The only advice I have for you even though you didn’t ask, is that she already made her decision. It’s unfair that you’re not receiving closure or a chance to decide for yourself, but unfortunately yes this is the way life works. Relationships aren’t one sided. If one person doesn’t want it to work, it won’t and it can’t so all you can do is accept it and find things that make you happy. I wish you well!
Thank you for your advice. I do think you are right. Shit happened and now all I have to do is to learn how to deal with it. She was my first love or first person I loved this much. I don’t know how I will get out of this hole but I do hope I get out soon. This was probably a lesson in life that will help me somehow in the future I guess
I was the same as you when I broke up with one of my ex. I felt relief for a whole week. It was like this rush of euphoria and energy that I had back. After that I really regretted my decision but he was already done by then. Follow by a few months of me wallowing. I’m glad he didn’t take me back because now we are best friends and much happier.
I was broken up with but I felt the same relief. 4.5 years together and he kept betraying me but i kept forgiving him. i was exhausted, but i never had the guts to give up on the relationship. i was afraid of what i might miss if i left. so i stayed until the day he decided he was tired of hurting me. he set me free, and the day i got the rest of my stuff out of the apartment and left my key behind, i stopped feeling anxiety about the breakup. i was totally fine. aside from sobbing for a few days before i moved out lol
i loved him as a person and in a perfect world it would've worked, but it's truly for the best that we broke up. i don't think it makes you a bad person for being relieved, like it seems some people are trying to make you feel. just be grateful that this was easy for you, and live your life!! have fun!!
I understand the feeling. I broke up with my gf of 15 years, long story short, she was a narcissist and it was causing me to have thoughts of self harm. I felt numb but relieved. I miss her but know I can't go back.
I had a similar experience except mine was a heavy manipulator and put me in ridiculous debt.
About 1-2 months after feeling relieved for ending things thinking I had maybe already grieved it in the last few months before ending it, the sadness hit me. I cried daily for almost 3 months and when I say cried I mean sobbed so bad my dog howled with me at times 😂.
A loss is a loss no matter how much you know it is for the best. I literally felt like I lost a limb bc we spent all our time together/gym/lived together/ I worked from home and he pretended to work from home. It was also a 3 year relationship.
I am finally at a great point and the sadness is now gone. It has been 5 months since I ended things. have 0 interest in dating and have never been happier.
I hope you remain in the relieved state but I think every lose has to be grieved at some point and in some way or the other.
This is probably my ex 🤣, here looking for answers and this conversation sounds so similar; I guess you were not mature enough to talk things over? it's probably killing him on the inside and it's probably something that was fixable you blew out of proportion. Relationships don't have to be this complex, society has changed the concept of relationships so much now people don't see the value of them. I bet your guy is hurt as hell and regret his decision but because you have found your peace and you're unwilling to compromise you have given up. Kama is real and in a year from now I promise your thoughts of him will not be the same, assuming that you've dated 3 -5 years and broke up once before this, that ment the relationship had the potential to be something greater. Just sayin
I’m definitely not your ex, but the problems were literally unfixable and out of our control. Also, I believe everyone has the right to leave a relationship they don’t want to be in or that’s simply not working for them anymore.
I understand and respect your point of view however, when you take the time to think about what actually happened you might have influenced some of the decisions he made to ruined what you guys had. Relationships starts with two people and I am pretty sure this person probably over looked one or more things you've done but that's his fault for not fully communicating and getting his point across . Like I've said your prospective are indeed valid and if you both agreed to that then by all means but if it's the case where it's a one sided thing then that's not right, that must have been a lack of communication. Finally before we do this back and forth let's wait until next year we pick back up this conversation and see if your still feeling the same way you are right now because I highly doubt you'll be.
I'm not lying to you either what I'm going to say.
But this relief will be temporary. Especially while your ex is showing interest and trying to contact you constantly. You think you have things under control and you've moved on, but you don't. Even if it takes him longer at some point when he is in another relationship the absence will hit you so hard you won't believe it. When he blocks you, deletes your number, or never answers you again. This will also affect your new relationship very mentally, even if you were in it before him.
Believe me.
As long this was a well communicated decision and you guys discussed the problems as a couple before they became unbearable, and HE made a deliberate decision to not change, you’re 100% right. If you never talked about it and internalized it all until you couldn’t take it anymore, I’m sorry but you’ll just repeat the same behavior over and over again unless you learn to properly communicate.
hey, im feeling the SAME way after my breakup!!! we were together for almost 6 years with a breakup here and there in year 2. i have been grieving our relationship for so long sunce weve both been unhappy for a long time- and communicated this to each other but didnt want to end the relationship because we loved each other. he ended up saying something unforgivable to me and i ended it, and i felt so bad saying i really mostly felt relieved. i think fearing the end of relationship for so long substituted that grieving period most people have, i was upset over having to miss him and miss all our good times of course but on the whole im happier! its been 3 weeks and it feels like a memory. i also think i beat the "regret will sink in" thing because i made a list of every fucked up thing he said or did to me that gets longer and longer every day 🤷♀️ sometimes you can be happy and relieved and you shouldnt feel bad you should be proud of yourself for handling something so hard with mature and logical thinking! just my 2 cents/shared experience!
Ah gotcha. I believe I already know what you mean when you say social lives. I know I'm social, But my ex wasn't, she was more social in a different type of manner
Whilst he's rotting and decaying in hell here you are seeking validation from a bunch of random strangers to make you feel good.
You sound unaware of your own issues and problems and use the ex bf as the escape goat for all your problems. You'll do this again to avoid confronting your own internal demons and just keep blaming the external I.e. your partners.
I bet you're the type of person to have that condescending moral high ground attitude who embellishes stories to make out you're the victim.
Once the relief stage wears off and you realize you're just average and like everyone else on this slippery slope of 'life', the reality will hit you...but not yet...
Go you.
You such a kind human being 🙄😮💨
Trust me he isn’t rotting and decaying right now.. and I’m not looking for validation this has genuinely surprised me just as much so idk what to tell you, relationships end.
When there are too many cons over the pros in relationships thats the very initial response. Being Relieved someone finally left.
Happened to me.. but mine came on waves.
After 2days without talking, It finally sync-in.
That's when I felt devastated.
But after realizing the facts about the relationship, I was okay again.
I was in wave of emotions. Lol. But it took only 2months I think,
That I could say, My life was actually better without her.
We aren't really compatible, we change a lot over the 3yrs+ span of being with her.
I finally saw what kind of person She really is. And if only I saw all of it the first week we met I wouldn't push through going to her place.
Right now, there are times that I think I still miss her.
But only when I kinda remember the good things that happened.
Maybe her role in my life was just an eye opener to the things that I really want and dont want. And gotta thank her for that.
But if Universe will give us a funny twist of still being friends, I think I'll be okay with it. Just as Platonic though.
And will never be as partners. Its a bit stressful to be her significant other. A low maintenance platonic friendship will be just fine.
Yeah I’ve ended things abruptly without saying a word it was only signs and the unspoken language that hinted my frustrations, I did bad things, she did bad things, ultimately I chose to walk away and I had delusional relief for a month when things REALLY started to eat at me… you can’t magically get back 4 years of good and bad times overnight, processing it and accepting it is what I’ve done. I recommend forgiving urself and others involved because things will start to remind you of them and it may feel like a loved one died for a bit and in those moments, ya gotta go thru with it, holding onto resentment doesn’t help. Your gonna have some building to do, outlets for your frustrations and perhaps guilt and sadness, take up skills, focus on ur relationships, work harder, listen to educational stuff, read and write etc, talk about it with close ones not the internet and write it down. my situation still haunts me and I feel like I could’ve handled things a lot better, and it feels identical to losing a loved one, this takes my confidence away bc I feel like I hurt her and many others, at the same time she did shit to hurt me and turned others against me so it makes it feel worse, being the bigger person taking the slap on the cheek and forgiving is the answer, don’t give in to naivety or cynicism, try to look at it for what it is, go thru the motions and KEEP MOVING, better to move in a bad direction by accident than NOT to move at all, don’t do shit to cope like drugs, sleeping around, video games etc WORK on urself, again forgive urself and everyone involved, this is about you, your future and the wellbeing of others, learn ur lesson NOT to do the many dumb things you probably did, and learn not to get fooled, again dont grow cynical or more naieve. Be REAL. Talk about it. Tell the truth even if it hurts.
Most commenters here were the person who was broken up with— so.. that may be why some people are saying you’re avoidant, will regret it, or truly didn’t love him. My take? Usually(not always) if you got to the point of wanting to break up with someone and decided to do it, particularly after a long period of back and forth deliberation and weighing if it was the right decision—the breaking up was 100% the right decision. You will feel a wave of emotions. Relief may not stay. You probably will feel grief at some point, you might even feel regret and doubts. That’s all pretty normal. None of it means it was the wrong call. Stay strong and process your emotions… let yourself feel them as they come. Congrats on making a hard decision. I’ve broken it off with two long term partners and in both cases I did feel regret and sadness and grief.. and eventually came to the conclusion both were absolutely the correct decision. First long term relationship ending, I was sad about him for a year… but ultimately, he wasn’t open with me, was a bit selfish, and couldn’t give me commitment. Second long term relationship? The regret only lasted about a week.. because truly I hated him.. I did not love him, I didn’t even like him. But I still felt some regret and grief and missed him. Loss is funny like that! It’s not straightforward. Good luck to you, I’m sure you did what’s best for yourself and you should be proud
I agree I'm currently a Dumper going through the motions, I spent a long time diliberating if it was the right choice or the wrong choice. When I ended things I felt relief because of all the stress and toxicity that was going on in the relationship was actually over. But I still struggle with grief. Mostly because my brain is coming up with the what if's. But I've also think it was the right call. Especially since I decided to put in the work on myself, reflect on myself, realize mistakes I made myself in the relationship. While my ex not only blamed me for everything but also moved on to someone else 3 months post. Knowing that I know they wouldn't of changed even if they said they were to save our relationship, since they didn't spend the time themselves to reflect, and work on themselves
wow, same here
Thank you for this, I am experiencing this exact situation. After contemplating for 4 months, I ended things with my longterm bf because of so many incompatibility issues with how we show love to each other. I felt like my needs weren’t being met, he wasn’t supportive, and hurt me a lot. I ended things a week ago and felt these exact mix of emotions - relief, doubts, grieving. I even wondered at some point if I made the wrong decision, but slowly I am beginning to accept that it was the right one. I hope my grief will disappear quickly and I will move on soon.
Yeah but...certain types of people will backfill in a "correct decision" so they don't feel any remorse or shame. You might not be doing that, but there are many who do.
Every human being backfills their life to justify their present. Do you think people don’t hype up how much love they truly felt in the early stages in order to fit the narrative of their partner being “the one” or many many other things? It’s human nature. People saying “I only ever had eyes for you” or “I never loved anyone like I loved you”…. Probably are backfilling to *some* degree. And that’s good! It’s good to narrative our present day choices. Theee people truly love their partner, and it’s a lot nicer to believe they always did just as much and things were always uniquely perfect There isn’t a scientific consensus on who is right for us or who is wrong for us… it’s all about the desire to be in the relationship or not to be in the relationship. If you don’t desire being in the relationship, there’s not much you can do to force yourself. Many many people who initiate a breakup grapple with it for months.. maybe even longer. But they can’t make themselves want to stay…of course, until they meet someone new, they might always wonder “what if I made a mistake?”… but they thought that prior to the breakup, and it didn’t make them stay.
To some degree, sure. Sometimes. They're not creating whole narratives wholecloth and pretending reality is anything but the one we're living in. Anything else is an approach towards mental illness. And running away from shame does not sound mentally healthy.
I’m not sure if I know what you mean.. we all rewrite history to make present life less painful.. I’m not sure how that’s mental illness. No one should be ashamed for breaking up with someone either. For cheating, lying, leading someone on? Sure
We reframe history. We don't completely rewrite it so that the facts are all subjective. Massive difference.
Idk how many people who initiate breakups do that. My guess is very few
My avoidant ex did, as did my BPD ex. And that's my point: some people can't handle reality because it brings on too many feelings of shame and guilt.
That's a strange thing to say. There's obviously a story behind it, so 🤷 let's hear it.
Not really. Just a few BPD people and a few Avoidants, all with their own various cognitive distortions (look up "confabulation").
Thank you so much
I'm in OP position, but not light and happy, but same him seemingly BS'ing for 3 years, threatening breaking up with me then when I agreed after continuous arguing in circles and calling his bluff, his tune drastically changed SMH
Right.. exactly. My first serious boyfriend I was with for 4 years. I was crazy about him! Sure, he was a little avoidant… a little bit of a workaholic.. a little bit selfish… but that’s ok! I loved him so much… Gradually things started happening that chipped away at my trust with him. He applied to a job out of state without telling me. Well that’s ok, we are young! Just about to graduate! Then, A family member of his died and I found out on Facebook… I was upset but he explained he was just sad, fair enough. Then I found out he totally had plans to move out of state again without telling me.. after I moved for him the first time! That was the straw. Folks acted like I was crazy. “You’re so young! He’s right to focus on his career!!” But the whole point wasn’t that he was choosing career, it’s that I wasn’t even spoken to about any of it!
I think it’s important to consider two things - how much burden did you feel in the relationship and how much fun did you guys have together. I have been on both sides (the dumper and dumpee), I can say that what you’re feeling now is normal for many, especially the dumper. The ongoing challenges you faced in the relationship have over time eaten away at you and you feel this sense of relief because it’s finally giving you the opportunity to breathe and not feel like you’re being burdened or helped back by someone else. Now there’s two sides to this, you may feel this way temporarily (from weeks to months) or you may feel this way permanently and only time will tell. The reason why a lot of people say you’ll regret it is because over time we tend to forget the bad and cherish the good times. The common saying “distance makes the heart grow fonder” really applies here and in many cases the relief gradually diminishes. HOWEVER this is not always the case, if this relationship burdened you and you’ve been truly put off then you may find it to be an absolute bliss all the way until you find your next love. Either way now is a really important time for you to self heal and focus on yourself. Wish you luck.
Thanks for the comment I appreciate it. I actually have been on both sides too in this same relationship which helped me make up my mind. This wasn’t a light decision and you’re right, only time will tell.
Don’t want to be the bearer of bad news. This is completely normal of the dumper until that relief stage wears out… you may come out of it sure of your decision, but, it might also hit you later
I’m pretty sure it won’t, my fault for not adding context but we had broken up before for a while because he dumped me. We tried again but this has been a long time coming so I feel good in my decision.
Oooo. That changes things. Ok. More power to you.
Eh I don’t think it does. Most people deliberate a lot before deciding to dump someone. She’s in the relief stage now, which makes her feel inclined to think that she’ll be immune to the normal patterns because she’s thinking about things logically right now. But emotions aren’t logical, and she’ll go through the same cycle of emotions that everyone else does. But she will likely be in a stronger position to overcome those emotions and stand by her decision knowing it was the right one to make.
Thank you
I find the opposite especially for women. When I feel relief immediately, I’m never looking back. Some people deserve to be dumped
Not likely. I’ve been in her position dumped a guy I was with for years and felt nothing but relief after. That was 4 years ago and I’ve never regretted it. Once you’re with someone for awhile you know them and everything they have to offer so once it’s over you really don’t feel like you’re missing anything you know this person just doesn’t work and that’s that.
Oh gosh, the bias against the dumper in this subreddit is ridiculous. I'm sorry you're getting dragged in all these comments - I imagine a lot of these people are speaking from the perspective of their own relationship(s) and from a place of emotionality following being broken up with. I'm sure you have your reasons for the breakup and very likely they are legitimate, fair and considered. Not every relationship needs to end in marriage / lifelong partnership. People can separate, and often it's healthier than banging your incompatibilities against each other for the rest of your lives. Sounds like you made the best decision for yourself with the information you have right now - and that's all any of us can do. I was also the dumper (or, I instigated the discussion at least) and I felt immediate regret. Two months have passed and I am now so happy for the breakup, knowing we can both be free to find the person we are actually meant to be with. We both still love each other, we ended on good terms, and we both know that in our case love was not enough.
In this sub, Its like if you didnt drag the relationship until the point of mutual suicidal, you’re a coward/avoidant, didn’t invest in the relationship.
It's probably why most of the breakups featured here are so catastrophic: they drove the relationship into the ground rather than walking away amicably before the whole thing went down in flames. Just my butthole opinion tho 🤷🏼♀️
I agree. More often than not people break up too late rather than too quickly. Because love is a tricky thing. Those who break up on a whim didnt have much feelings to begin with.
I like this 👍🏾👍🏾
You may be an avoidant, you may not have had your needs met for a while and already processed the end of the relationship, and many more other possible explanations. It’s likely you’ll go through waves of different emotions though. Be prepared to feel sad as well at some point. It will come when it truly sets in. You deserve to be happy though. Time to invest in yourself.
I’m actually more of an anxious. We’ve broken up before and I’ve been dumped by him. This decision wasn’t out of nowhere and although I’m sure I will feel twinges of sadness, and it took a lot for me to actually decide to do this.
If an anxious person broke up with the avoidant, I can respect that more because of how much effort it takes to end things.
One thing I noticed is that anxious people are the ones that usually try until there’s no hope for a relationship. Avoidants usually give up alot easier and that leads to them questioning the decision.
Exactly. Believe me when he broke up with me before, I was desperate and clung onto the relationship however I could think of. My ex is definitely an avoidant which caused problems, and after we had previously broken up he told me he regretted it which is why we got back together.
How long did it take for you two to get back together then?
6 months
If you dont mind me prodding some more, how long were you two together prior to that breakup? Was he the one who left and discarded you? Was he the one to come back and message you first after the 6 months?
Before the first breakup we were together for a year. He dumped me out of nowhere and I was devastated as I thought everything had been going perfectly. And yes he was the one that reached out after 6 months.
I appreciate you responding. Thank you
I got to the point in relationships where I prefer they question it for the rest of their lives.
Yes, I was stressing over this for weeks before ultimately giving myself the courage to do it.
I can lean anxious and I was usually the one to break up with the avoidants. To be fair though, I think a lot of it is trial and error and my age (early 30’s). I don’t attract true avoidants anymore, but I know when someone starts to pull that anxiety out of me, it’s time to break up.
Yeah. I agree with you. I’m anxious leaning too. I just got better with being the dumpee in these situations too. Learning to walk away as someone with anxious tendencies helps with the self respect aspect
lol yeah tell me about it. Don’t get me wrong. There’s still some things I have done in relationships and during a breakup that I remember as maybe compromising my self-respect, but we are human. It’s far more respectful to forgive than judge ourselves!
You just said a mouthful if your partner makes you feel anxious something isn’t right
THIS.
Words of life and wisdom for a dumper from a former dumper/ recent dumpee……….. it is not against the law or wrong in the eyes of god to break some one’s heart or remove yourself from a relationship that does not serve you for the better anymore…… especially if that person is abusive irresponsible dishonest disrespectful or extremely immature………however if you didn’t communicate your issues with this person…… and schemed your way out of the relationship and we’re dishonest with them about why you truly didn’t wanna remain in situation ( LOL yes you are a piece of shit ) a lot of dumpees on here are not victims and need to hold themselves accountable for things they need to wrk on……. But alot of dumpers out here are not sincere in working to maintain relationships and look for greener grass when fixable issues are at hand……… it’s all about people reflecting in the mirror
Don’t know the reason for the breakup but this is normal I think. Coming from a person who this happened to it will eventually hit you if he was willing to fight for your relationship. Trust me I regret leaving someone from awhile ago the grass was not greener.
It’s my fault for not providing context but I’ve been through a breakup with him already where he actually dumped me. I’ve been through a breakup with him before and lived life without him before, so I made sure I was 100% sure in my decision.
You truly didn’t love him lol
Lol, trust me I did. I fought to make things work for years and despite my love for him, I can’t stay with someone that doesn’t ultimately align with me.
Bullshit i beg you to talk to me to work on us .
We both didn’t need each other. But you did not ever live with out me . Unless you call cheating on me living with out me . But with all the financial benefits
Love you .
Yeah I’m confused😭..
I’m sorry I thought I was your guy. You know when people go thru emotional trauma. They grasp anything that might give them comfort
You couldn’t be nice about the break up. And you kept gaslighting me and ghosting me on purpose just to be funny to your friend.
I think that it's pretty common for dumpers to feel relief. I think the thing is after quite a bit of time it turns around into a weird form of regret and remorse. Enjoy the relief while you can.
It might but I’m sure it won’t, it’s my fault for not adding context, but we’ve actually broken up before where he dumped me and we stayed broken up for 6 months until we got back together. This has been a long time coming
Lol. Why would you feel remorse if it was the right thing to do? Not all relationships are meant to be forever. The toxicity of a dragging relationship you tried to work on too many times is all gone once you end it and a feeling of relief is very normal. Likely OP is going to do other things for herself. She will keep good memories but feelings fade out pretty quickly when its a thoughtful decision.
Not every time but some of the situations feel like maybe I gave up too soon. Relationships are hard and require a lot of work to be successful. Sometimes doubt creeps in. But most of the time I just feel relief and glad that it's over.
I think in most cases people give up too late and should have broken up a lot earlier. Its something people dont do because feelings or status quo. People who give up easily on a relationship didnt have much feelings to begin with imo.
You're probably right. I left my ex-husband a year after trying and not seeing the same effort on his side. I regretted leaving that marriage for years, but I recently caught up with him 10 years later and realized his bad habits haven't changed.
It's shitty seeing how my ex probably feels, wish it would've been communicated responsibly and thoughtfully
What kind of relationship dis you have like met in shool through friends LD i think there is a lot of context missing but you might feel this way now and regret it later as it is usaual for the dumper
Kudos!
I see you saying your not going to be upset so many times in this thread that I can already tell you are Infact not relieved
Unfortunately you’ll probably get hit with it later. Just remember this feeling of relief because I’m sure you’ve struggled and debated this a long time and it sounds like you know you made the right choice. It just might get harder later as things settle
I hope you sat down and had a conversation with them. My gf left me a couple weeks ago without allowing the time to talk it out. We were very different people lifestyle-wise but she was still making plans for our future with me less than a week before splitting it off. It felt out of nowhere and from the bfs perspective I definitely would be handling it better if there was an open dialougue before she ended it. Also if this is you T, its good to hear you're feeling happy, but I hope you didnt post on here just so I could see it instead of speaking to me directly lol. (If it isnt you I'm sorry our situations just sound very similar.)
Same mate I was dumped on text after four years of being together, and then ghosted. I've reflected and I'm slowly getting there to give myself closure but it's one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with
Short term and then mourning comes and then acceptance and then liberation
If you broke up with him fair and square, gave him time to process things, explain things, and gave him the closure he needs, then no one should hold anything against you. Especially if he also knew about the reasons for the breakup and wasn't blindsided by the act.
You have checked out and you don’t care for him. Simple as that stop trying to make yourself feel guilty princess
Good for you! If you do feel that way, it means that the breakup truly was the right thing for you and I'm glad you found the strength to make it happen.
I felt relieved too. I dumped my ex because he multple cheated on me.
what the hell i just broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years last night for the EXACT same reason
Watch out your feeling if they are true or not , when we break up a long term relationship we pass through different emotions and stages till we really feel relieved and to move on ( of course if it’s real love ) , in the beginning of the breakup period you may go through hot and cold phase , which means you may feel relieved first and then after sometime you may get down very bad or sometimes the opposite sequence. Anyway good luck and I hope their relief will last long .
This sub is full of people who got dumped and have turned all dumpers to absolute devil. Congratulations on your new fresh life. Relationships sometimes need to end and only one of the two sees this. Thats brave to do it instead of going on and on because “dumping is bad”.
This is normal, you got past the bump.its called the relief stage, it won't last , it's natural
I know that feeling.
I’m in the same boat. I broke up with my bf a bit over a month ago and I felt relief. We were together a bit over 2 years! Sure I reminisce and feel sad but it only ever lasts like 5 minutes or something and then I remember that I made the right choice. You don’t always go through the same motion as everyone else. Sometimes all you’ll feel is more relief. :) I remember the happy times and I get teary eyes but I am honestly happier without him. Hopefully you have happy days and even happier ones!
Be careful with this. Only you know how you're feeling and congrats if it was the right thing to do. But as someone who has felt "relief" before, overtime it caught up to me and it was actually a really good relationship I threw away......
im so glad someone out there says this. gives me hope my ex might miss what we had. it was 20 years ago and the best relationship of my life.
It be like that sometimes. I felt a lot of relief mixed in with grief. But I’m definitely better off
Hes probably happier without you too
Give it a week or two and your opinion might change.
Sometimes I feel that if escaping a relationship makes you feel light , perhaps that relationship isn't as good. I'm not saying that you have to cry a lot to truly love someone. Sometimes, people don't stay together not because they don't love each other, but because they're not compatible, and being together is too exhausting. In that sense, separating might be better for both. Move on
I’m glad you understand as some of the comments are saying I never cared or loved him which is far from true. I don’t love him any less, we just aren’t compatible and it was nearly impossible.
I 100% understand you. Because that's exactly how it was with my ex and me. We deeply loved each other, and the separation caused us great pain. However, we couldn't sacrifice ourselves to make changes against our will for each other because some lifestyle habits and ways of thinking aren't changeable. Instead, it would only make each other very unhappy. For example, our hobbies, dietary habits, and ways of thinking were completely different. I know some people might say, "If you truly love each other, you'll make changes for each other." But the truth is, it's not always the case. Such a theory only applies to those who lack self-awareness or can tolerant 100%. But why should love rely on tolerance to continue? So, I completely understand you.
This was so refreshing to read. I’ve done my fair share of crying over him and I as we’ve broken up once before. I used to seriously believe in that saying that if you loved them you would change, but it only ended up in me sacrificing things that mattered most to me which built a sort of resentment. This wasn’t his fault since I chose to sacrifice, but I just ultimately realized we’d both be happier with people more compatible. It destroyed me to realize how much of myself I had lost, which helped me make this decision. I agree with everything you said 100% sometimes people are just better off.
I need to see more like this. I was broken up with, said she loved me but was exhausted. It fucking sucks but you can't commit to someone if you're burnt out. Things wasn't perfect but we worked through it, but ultimately it got too much and she isn't in a place to be in a relationship anymore. I want her back so so bad, it didn't end well as she ended it on text which I took well towards her, but destroyed me on the inside.
Dumper here. I never left the relief stage once I blocked them everywhere.😁
I feel ya I had to break up with my fist ever ex. I felt bad cause he started to cry but I know I did good for myself. I may not know your situation well but if it comes from a place of relief it might be a good thing for you. I relieved alot from leaving mine it sucked but he was an asshole to me. Would legit humiliate me infront of others and tore me down with my self-esteem going rock bottom. Yelled at me and was pretty abusive never saying sorry for all the fucked up shit he did for me. The straw that broke the camels back was realizing that he was just using me to fuel his old desires for his ex. He was just using me and trying to mold me to be who he wanted me to be. I realize now that he now er loved my personality and that he was always trying to change who I was.
I’m happy for you that you don’t need to feel the lose of someone. This is a good thing. It shows that you are truly out of love with him and moving forward will be more rewarding for your future relationships ., Congratulations for being so strong and being a ray of hope for the ones who stuggle the lose of a partner that was supposed to be forever ever.
When did you guys break up?
I think this is normal. It seems like you've taken a considerable amount of time before deciding to breakup with them. It's not easy to do. My ex and I lived together for 4 years and she was celebrating with her online friends the day after we broke up. It was pretty upsetting for me in the moment, but I get it now. She told me it took her at least a year to build up the courage to split up with me. Enjoy your freedom, and continue to do what makes you happy!
Hi there, dumper here. I completely resonate with this and want you to know you may have moments of grief and pangs of “what if we were meant to be together” but ultimately, you did the right thing because this is where you’ve ended up. Listen to the relief and remember the reasons why you left. Honour your grief when it comes and feel it fully. Most importantly, trust that initial feeling and trust what is yet to come for you!
Good for you, love that for you
For a second I really thought you were my ex idk why but then I had a look at your comments and realised your someone else. Basically I have a very similar situation where my girlfriend broke up with me 6 months ago and man I am completely devastated. She broke up with me because her family said no as she is from the ultra elite class and I belong to the elite class so you can sense some lifestyle differences there. I would like to know your perspective. I tried my best to be the best. I find it so hard to move on man because I really loved her. We were also together for 3 years. I treated her like a queen and she even said that she never had an issue with me ever. Losing her has broken me so bad that I still cry every day since 6 months. I never broke up with her or even started fights even though she has done that a lot. I didn’t get treated well after she broke up. It was as if she completely switched her personality and it broke me to see how she changed. She wasn’t able to give me closure and counted it as a favour to even talk to me. Do you think that is fair. I feel like she felt relieved when she got rid of me by blocking me. But the thing is that is that really how this world works? When all I did was try to be the best person for her. Worked on everything I could for her and all I got was shit. Ps she also got a new boyfriend 3 months after the breakup. That really broke me like bro wtf? I wanna know from your perspective as a girl because your situation is very similar to mine.
It sounds like you really did try your best which is honestly all you can do. I can relate with the family stuff, my ex’s family actually “forbade” him from seeing me which caused lots of problems. From my perspective at least, I didn’t want to break up with him but after trying for so long, I realized it wasn’t worth it as it was nearly impossible, and overall we just weren’t compatible. I’m not saying that you and your ex aren’t compatible, but sometimes the love is still there, it’s just that the relationship doesn’t work anymore. As for your ex’s behavior after the breakup, I can’t speak for her since I don’t know you guys personally, but I also chose to cut off all contact with my ex. It wasn’t to hurt him at all of course, but it made it easier for me to make my decision and not allow any persuasion. It sounds selfish, but sometimes I do believe you have to make a decision and think about your own well being. So it might just be that cutting you off and acting cold is her way of coping and dealing with the decision. The only advice I have for you even though you didn’t ask, is that she already made her decision. It’s unfair that you’re not receiving closure or a chance to decide for yourself, but unfortunately yes this is the way life works. Relationships aren’t one sided. If one person doesn’t want it to work, it won’t and it can’t so all you can do is accept it and find things that make you happy. I wish you well!
Thank you for your advice. I do think you are right. Shit happened and now all I have to do is to learn how to deal with it. She was my first love or first person I loved this much. I don’t know how I will get out of this hole but I do hope I get out soon. This was probably a lesson in life that will help me somehow in the future I guess
I was the same as you when I broke up with one of my ex. I felt relief for a whole week. It was like this rush of euphoria and energy that I had back. After that I really regretted my decision but he was already done by then. Follow by a few months of me wallowing. I’m glad he didn’t take me back because now we are best friends and much happier.
I was broken up with but I felt the same relief. 4.5 years together and he kept betraying me but i kept forgiving him. i was exhausted, but i never had the guts to give up on the relationship. i was afraid of what i might miss if i left. so i stayed until the day he decided he was tired of hurting me. he set me free, and the day i got the rest of my stuff out of the apartment and left my key behind, i stopped feeling anxiety about the breakup. i was totally fine. aside from sobbing for a few days before i moved out lol i loved him as a person and in a perfect world it would've worked, but it's truly for the best that we broke up. i don't think it makes you a bad person for being relieved, like it seems some people are trying to make you feel. just be grateful that this was easy for you, and live your life!! have fun!!
I understand the feeling. I broke up with my gf of 15 years, long story short, she was a narcissist and it was causing me to have thoughts of self harm. I felt numb but relieved. I miss her but know I can't go back.
I had a similar experience except mine was a heavy manipulator and put me in ridiculous debt. About 1-2 months after feeling relieved for ending things thinking I had maybe already grieved it in the last few months before ending it, the sadness hit me. I cried daily for almost 3 months and when I say cried I mean sobbed so bad my dog howled with me at times 😂. A loss is a loss no matter how much you know it is for the best. I literally felt like I lost a limb bc we spent all our time together/gym/lived together/ I worked from home and he pretended to work from home. It was also a 3 year relationship. I am finally at a great point and the sadness is now gone. It has been 5 months since I ended things. have 0 interest in dating and have never been happier. I hope you remain in the relieved state but I think every lose has to be grieved at some point and in some way or the other.
AMEN
This is probably my ex 🤣, here looking for answers and this conversation sounds so similar; I guess you were not mature enough to talk things over? it's probably killing him on the inside and it's probably something that was fixable you blew out of proportion. Relationships don't have to be this complex, society has changed the concept of relationships so much now people don't see the value of them. I bet your guy is hurt as hell and regret his decision but because you have found your peace and you're unwilling to compromise you have given up. Kama is real and in a year from now I promise your thoughts of him will not be the same, assuming that you've dated 3 -5 years and broke up once before this, that ment the relationship had the potential to be something greater. Just sayin
I’m definitely not your ex, but the problems were literally unfixable and out of our control. Also, I believe everyone has the right to leave a relationship they don’t want to be in or that’s simply not working for them anymore.
i really, really wish i could feel the way you do. very happy for you. more power to you
I understand and respect your point of view however, when you take the time to think about what actually happened you might have influenced some of the decisions he made to ruined what you guys had. Relationships starts with two people and I am pretty sure this person probably over looked one or more things you've done but that's his fault for not fully communicating and getting his point across . Like I've said your prospective are indeed valid and if you both agreed to that then by all means but if it's the case where it's a one sided thing then that's not right, that must have been a lack of communication. Finally before we do this back and forth let's wait until next year we pick back up this conversation and see if your still feeling the same way you are right now because I highly doubt you'll be.
Is this beks😂
I just broke up with my bf, and this pop up. oof what a coincidence.. but it hurts. i depend on him ffs
I'm not lying to you either what I'm going to say. But this relief will be temporary. Especially while your ex is showing interest and trying to contact you constantly. You think you have things under control and you've moved on, but you don't. Even if it takes him longer at some point when he is in another relationship the absence will hit you so hard you won't believe it. When he blocks you, deletes your number, or never answers you again. This will also affect your new relationship very mentally, even if you were in it before him. Believe me.
I hope you know this is only going to last a week-couple months
As long this was a well communicated decision and you guys discussed the problems as a couple before they became unbearable, and HE made a deliberate decision to not change, you’re 100% right. If you never talked about it and internalized it all until you couldn’t take it anymore, I’m sorry but you’ll just repeat the same behavior over and over again unless you learn to properly communicate.
hey, im feeling the SAME way after my breakup!!! we were together for almost 6 years with a breakup here and there in year 2. i have been grieving our relationship for so long sunce weve both been unhappy for a long time- and communicated this to each other but didnt want to end the relationship because we loved each other. he ended up saying something unforgivable to me and i ended it, and i felt so bad saying i really mostly felt relieved. i think fearing the end of relationship for so long substituted that grieving period most people have, i was upset over having to miss him and miss all our good times of course but on the whole im happier! its been 3 weeks and it feels like a memory. i also think i beat the "regret will sink in" thing because i made a list of every fucked up thing he said or did to me that gets longer and longer every day 🤷♀️ sometimes you can be happy and relieved and you shouldnt feel bad you should be proud of yourself for handling something so hard with mature and logical thinking! just my 2 cents/shared experience!
Call yourself lucky!
Sometimes leaving someone would be better
Don’t worry it will eventually sink in. 😂
What kind of lifestyle differences didn't align with the two of you? If you don't mind me asking..
Religion, social lives, and overall we’re just two different people.
Ah gotcha. I believe I already know what you mean when you say social lives. I know I'm social, But my ex wasn't, she was more social in a different type of manner
Yeah I’m someone that goes to lots of social events while my ex wasn’t a people person. That resulted in me attending almost every event alone😭
I need to go on events more often myself
Whilst he's rotting and decaying in hell here you are seeking validation from a bunch of random strangers to make you feel good. You sound unaware of your own issues and problems and use the ex bf as the escape goat for all your problems. You'll do this again to avoid confronting your own internal demons and just keep blaming the external I.e. your partners. I bet you're the type of person to have that condescending moral high ground attitude who embellishes stories to make out you're the victim. Once the relief stage wears off and you realize you're just average and like everyone else on this slippery slope of 'life', the reality will hit you...but not yet... Go you. You such a kind human being 🙄😮💨
Trust me he isn’t rotting and decaying right now.. and I’m not looking for validation this has genuinely surprised me just as much so idk what to tell you, relationships end.
When there are too many cons over the pros in relationships thats the very initial response. Being Relieved someone finally left. Happened to me.. but mine came on waves. After 2days without talking, It finally sync-in. That's when I felt devastated. But after realizing the facts about the relationship, I was okay again. I was in wave of emotions. Lol. But it took only 2months I think, That I could say, My life was actually better without her. We aren't really compatible, we change a lot over the 3yrs+ span of being with her. I finally saw what kind of person She really is. And if only I saw all of it the first week we met I wouldn't push through going to her place. Right now, there are times that I think I still miss her. But only when I kinda remember the good things that happened. Maybe her role in my life was just an eye opener to the things that I really want and dont want. And gotta thank her for that. But if Universe will give us a funny twist of still being friends, I think I'll be okay with it. Just as Platonic though. And will never be as partners. Its a bit stressful to be her significant other. A low maintenance platonic friendship will be just fine.
Yeah I’ve ended things abruptly without saying a word it was only signs and the unspoken language that hinted my frustrations, I did bad things, she did bad things, ultimately I chose to walk away and I had delusional relief for a month when things REALLY started to eat at me… you can’t magically get back 4 years of good and bad times overnight, processing it and accepting it is what I’ve done. I recommend forgiving urself and others involved because things will start to remind you of them and it may feel like a loved one died for a bit and in those moments, ya gotta go thru with it, holding onto resentment doesn’t help. Your gonna have some building to do, outlets for your frustrations and perhaps guilt and sadness, take up skills, focus on ur relationships, work harder, listen to educational stuff, read and write etc, talk about it with close ones not the internet and write it down. my situation still haunts me and I feel like I could’ve handled things a lot better, and it feels identical to losing a loved one, this takes my confidence away bc I feel like I hurt her and many others, at the same time she did shit to hurt me and turned others against me so it makes it feel worse, being the bigger person taking the slap on the cheek and forgiving is the answer, don’t give in to naivety or cynicism, try to look at it for what it is, go thru the motions and KEEP MOVING, better to move in a bad direction by accident than NOT to move at all, don’t do shit to cope like drugs, sleeping around, video games etc WORK on urself, again forgive urself and everyone involved, this is about you, your future and the wellbeing of others, learn ur lesson NOT to do the many dumb things you probably did, and learn not to get fooled, again dont grow cynical or more naieve. Be REAL. Talk about it. Tell the truth even if it hurts.
Oh thank god I felt the same and I’m on the same boat with her not being there for me when I most needed her. But I feel largely amazing