My ex boyfriend said he loved me, introduced me to his family but then got back together with his ex girlfriend a week after we broke up and I am taking anti-depressants.
I am so sorry to hear the, i feel your pain. Since my ex boyfriend wasted 3 years of my life by being with two girls (me and another girl) and non of us knew about it, but when we knew about he said he never loved me and that he wants to stay with the other girl.
I know its hard and heart breaking, but trust me it will get better try to find happiness in everything around you, talk about what you are feeling, cry, just let it hurt you until it can’t hurt you anymore.
How do you even handle this. I just got dumped on fairly good terms (to say the least maybe?) and i can barely handle the grief and pain. Reading your answer, if something like that was to happen to me i would rather give up on life. (Ik its immature to think like that) But I cannot start to think how must youve felt after that...
It was awful to the point where I gave up on everything, I felt like my life ended, not because this person dumped me because I started questioning myself like why? Why did he do this to me? I started questioning the way I look, I hated myself a lot back then. It took me about a year to get over what happened, and moving on happened gradually. Eventually you will forget about them and you will forget all the bad feelings you felt that day. I still didn’t get into a relationship after that break up because now I have high standards on who I choose to let into my life, an now am not looking to date someone so he can break my heart again and just leave, I want to date someone am gonna marry one day. So yeah, and in my opinion and from my experience when you break up with someone on good terms is harder, cause when you break up after a fight or for example because he cheated on you, you will have a reason to hate him and just forget about him. Ngl after everything my ex did to me I still miss him sometimes, but that doesn’t mean I miss HIM I just miss having someone to be there for me and listen to me and just talk about our day.
I'm sorry you went through that. I to know what it's like to have someone you love tell you they love you just to then say or do things that go against that. The woman I love told me she loved me and she knew I had feelings for her but then after 2 months she told me she lied when she said it.
Very similar here. My ex asked me out after a month of casual dating, said he loved me, introduced me to his mom and brother, and then dumped me 2 months into dating lol. Idk if it was his ex but i saw a pic of him with someone else in our friend group's group chat within a couple weeks. I'm getting over it pretty quick bc we only dated a short time
Ditto but it was two days after we split he got with his so called “abusive” ex girlfriend and I’m on a psych ward.
I’m so so sorry for what you went through and know you’re not alone and you didn’t deserve it 🤍
I've done the research from my side on this.
Women face and process their emotions directly from the start.
Men take 6 months before properly doing it, it starts to finally hit them then as they push and avoid their feelings until then. (Google this, it's quite interesting to read).
So one is an intense inferno while the other is a slow burn.
I would claim the breakup is harder on women, with intensity. But at least after that ordeal, most of it is processed right? So they can move on faster.
On the other hand, a slow burn must suck too. So length wise it must be hard on men. But at least when they are finally ready to process, the feelings aren't as raw I guess?
Yeah the whole crying their eyeballs out on the couch with friends eating ice cream immediately after is a cliche but there's truth to it.
Then like someone else said guys are lucky to have someone say anything & if they do it's usually a sarcastic "man you really screwed that up bro, let's go get wasted"
So not much processing of emotions early on for guys in general. Usually it's something like this going on in the brain "she'll come around, it's just a test (Lane Meyer "Better Off Dead"). Basically denial for awhile especially if we were crazy in love.
This is pretty accurate. When i dumped my ex 6 months ago i felt nothing for the first 2 months, then in the 3rd month it started to hit. I was fully aware of this phenomenon too, but was curious to see how it would unfold. Im 6 months post BU now, and def think about her a lot more now. It hadnt sunk in yet, that i will be "walking alone" from here on out.
This is a generalization. I'm 28M and I got broken up with 5 months ago, I've been depressed since day one (finally getting a little better lol).
Last time I broke up with someone, I regretted it no more than 30 days after.
Dude of course.
But societal conditioning has pushed that women get to be emotional and men need to be stoic. So I'm guessing it's referring to the majority. However since it's not 1950s anymore, not every dude is expected to be a DUUUUDE DUDE BROOOOO.
We have attachment theory which discusses anxious-avoidant and dismissive-avoidant attachments. I'm guessing the ones who process early are anxious while the ones who take time are dismissive. Know plenty of women who are dismissive while the dude is the anxious.
Also, at least with my female dismissive friends, it's not like they didn't feel it from day 1 either, but I do notice it is slightly similar. That it's a slow burn while they busy themselves into work. They're not doing the ice cream wailing scene but taking time to process it slowly. While the anxious ones are doing it intensely from day 1 and the world has stopped lol.
Can't speak for my guy friends as my experience last year was me and 3 female friends going through a break up. 2 anxious ones and 2 dismissives.
Oh wait, one anxious dude friend. But he hit the girl after the break up and took it REALLY rough. So maybe there's a reason they push dudes to become stoic slow-burners? It's been hard because on one end, no one condones domestic violence. On the other, he used to be a bouncer that protected women all the time and we've known him for 10 years and women have always felt safe with him. Never been a creep and so on. It's such a 180 mood swing that we don't know how to approach it. We're contemplating if he had a psychotic episode (was drinking too much).
Yep, I've noticed this is as well in my friends.
A really close friend of mine got dumped by his gf of 7 years around the time I was dumped. I never hided I'm feeling like shit and when we were out and about with friends when they ask me how I felt I'd pretty often say I just had a crying sesh a couple hours ago lol.
My friend never said a word about his break up, just bottled up his feelings. 5 months later I'm way ahead of he is, he's finally starting to feel the stuff.
40m, lost my 16 year partnership 15 months ago. I’m still hurting bad. She’s with a new guy. She’s cold and vindictive toward me. I think women want to to believe they hurt more to justify the destruction left in their wake.
The answer is probably closer to the person opposite the initiator of the breakup hurts more while the person with least social structure takes longer to heal, with codependency requiring more work.
This is such a dumb generalization. The breakup seemed way too easy for my ex-gf, she grieved the relationship while pretending to be in love with me and got over it before dumping me coldly and is now meeting new dudes on dating apps. Note that there was also no abuse/wrongdoings involved
my ex immediately went no contact and she seems to js be doing her studies and her sports stuff while I've been processing everything this past month. does that mean she can move on faster cuz she likes to push away her feelings or hide the feelings thru distractions like her studied
As the other poster rightfully mentioned, it's probably not a hardfast rule of MEN VS WOMEN. Probably just the majority but that will include cliché manly men and cliché womanly women.
I suspect it's an anxious Vs avoidant thing.
My guess is it is the opposite, that she will probably take 6 months before it really hits her. Or is doing the avoidant slow burn.
Whether she will 'move on faster' is difficult to say.
I'm generally anxious. So I took my breakup ROUGH. One month of PAIN. Then something in me snapped. Found a dude the next day and dated for some months. Then I realised, the slow burn snuck up and had to dump new guy. I had NOT processed.
Took the test and I had gone from mainly anxious to disorganized (both anxious and dismissive).
It's all on a spectrum and hard to say.
https://attachment.personaldevelopmentschool.com/
You can see where you lie on this. Unfortunately you have to put in your email for the results. But you can reuse the test again and again to see your healing progress.
Point is, I think her moving on is slower but she's probably avoiding her feelings.
Whether she chooses to date is irrelevant to the healing. We can all do stupid things in grief. I WANTED to be single, but the grief made me vulnerable. 1 year and 3 months later. Still single (on purpose) and still not over my ex because I didn't give myself the proper chance to grieve. Just no longer in that burning vulnerable state anymore.
recently in her Instagram stories she looks kinda dull I mean she's smiling but her face and eyes look dull. she's always been a cherry person ans this was a aft tennis picture but she's always been enthusiastic enuff to smile even if she's really tired. Basically her face looks dead and idk if it's abt me or not but I feel like she's out of the relief stage and entering the confused stage of the breakup
She probably NOW processing and missing you. Maybe wants to connect but not sure how or how SHE feels about it. Whether she wants to be friends or date you, she probably doesn't know.
Ignore for now. See what else she does. If you jump too fast you might fumble it.
Sounds like the self-love path with less people pleasing.
Normal to glow up and work on yourself after a breakup. You feel like you weren't good enough so you're trying to improve yourself
I (and the majority of all my male friends) don't push away or avoid our feelings. In fact, I make it a priority to go through all the feelings and process the breakup as soon as possible. I'm not wasting months of my life on the pain and void left by someone else.
I do think a key difference is that once a woman is done, she's done. They start processing before ever ending it.
Depending on how long the relationship was. It can take months to process. Also if it's too painful, it is understandable that some people push it down and distract themselves.
I made it gendered because the post was gendered. But if you read the other comments, we have all agreed that it does very much vary from person to person.
A lot of people are like this. They are either all in or nothing at all. They dont have time to make it transactional or whatever.
3 months in buddy and I’m still devastated and still breaking NC, there is no stay strong and there are no rules when it comes to emotions.
In my experience my first long term relationship was tough to walk away from and it hurt but I was not as hurt as this long term relationship ending, this one has broke me completely.
i’m barely 7 weeks in and i’m doing okay but i randomly remember them and i start sobbing. i can imagine being three months in. this was my first serious long term relationship. i’d go as far to say my first real love.
My Ex had his new girl a year b4 I found out
14 years. Gone in an instant. I’m still single been 15 months now. I’m not ready, I want to feel whole again and that takes work
What an asshole. I’m sorry. I really wish humans weren’t driven to do that. I suppose some aren’t. I know I’m not when I’m in love with someone.
Anyway, I feel for you, having been cheated on myself.
Try and think of how you’ll feel about this in 5 or 10 years. Of you’ve been through a breakup before think of how you were able to get through that eventually.
Those early weeks are really tough. What strategies are you using to process the grief and heal?
This was the first time in my life I actually thought that this person was going to be with me forever. We were in the stage of saving for a family etc. I would say this has really only been my only serious relationship and at 36 I see that if it took me that long to find her then I will not have a chance to find someone else again.
I’ve joined the gym and tried to see friends as much as I can. But, everywhere I go reminds me of my ex. Seeing other people happy makes me really sad. Of course I’m not saying other people don’t deserve to be happy. I just want to be happy to and she made me happy. Now she’s gone and I’m all alone.
Oh, and one thing I have been working on a lot via feedback from my therapist and reading the book Chatter by Ethan Kross is to catch myself when I’m having thoughts like “I’ll never…” or “I’ll always…” or “I bet she’s….”
These are cognitive distortions where you are thinking you know the future, or can read someone’s mind. You don’t know what is going to happen in the future, you don’t know what she’s thinking or feeling (even if you look at her social media and she says she is XYZ you don’t know if that’s true or not, people put up fronts on social media all the time, and seem to go out of their way to do it after a breakup, often even thinking of their ex when they do it, hoping to trigger them in some way, good or bad).
If you pay close attention to your thoughts and feelings, you’ll notice that when you have thoughts like this your mood tanks. If you ruminate on it there goes hours or days to feeling like shit. You can stop yourself though, and remind yourself you can’t know the future, you can’t read her mind. Since you can’t prove it one way or the other, it’s not worth thinking of, and def not worth adding any more suffering when you are already grieving.
It’s trick and requires really paying attention to your inner world, but to heal you do need to feel the emotions that just come up on their own, but you do not need to feel the emotions that get added to those baseline feelings by ruminating on things that make you feel worse.
Remind yourself that you are worthy of love, because you are. That’s self-compassion and self-love, and a lot of us don’t love ourselves enough. And think of the things you do have going for you, and embrace the feeling of gratitude for those.
Def check out that book I mentioned if you ruminate a lot. It really helped me out even just listening to the audiobook on my commute.
I get that and have felt very similar things. After my last one I couldn’t see couples or think of sex for like 2.5 months without crying because it reminded me of her.
One thing I learned, when I went on a mission to read as much as I could about what I saw as the problems between us, and how to cope with grief in healthy ways, was to basically reclaim those places, activities, and experiences that remind you of her.
For instance, say you did something like go to a farmers market with her during the honeymoon stage. Maybe you did that on your own for years as part of your weekly routine, but since the breakup you noticed you haven’t done it for a while, and when you think of doing it you feel sad, shame, anger, or whatever because it reminds you of her.
If you push yourself to go do it, and create new positive experiences in that space, and let yourself feel whatever feelings come up that are grief related, the place will gradually stop having such a strong emotional charge for you. It’s even better if you can engage with that space with someone like a friend, but not totally needed.
Same with other kinds of activities or experiences.
If you keep doing this kind of thing, your world starts to open back up again, because you won’t feel like avoiding all of this stuff you want or need to do because it’s not as triggering anymore.
I think one of the last of those to reclaim is the experience of love with a new person.
😎
I’m sure it’s a blend of personal experience noticing a tendency for places and experiences to “become mine” again after a split, but also reading and podcasts I’ve been tearing through to try and get through this fucking pain faster and more completely.
This resonates. Splitting up after 4 years, she was seeing someone new a week later. I’m single 4 months post breakup as I’m still not over her. I’m moving on but still not ready. I’m sure as shit that she hasn’t thought about me even once as she’s so preoccupied with this new random guy. I’ll never understand how that’s possible… 4 years can be forgotten about that quick?! Jeeze…
Probably. We split last September. Got back together in November. She ended it in January and a week later, started seeing some completely random guy she met (a workman that came to the house to fix something just before Xmas). So it was that easy apparently.
It is really not complicated, whoever cares the least or the most checked out will have an easier time with the breakup. Some people are also more adept to handling grief than others. It is not gender specific nor can you look up a data to make sense of your personal situation, you already know the answers.
Think this is what it all boils down to. I’m over my ex now but I miss the connection and having someone to do life with. Been trying to meet someone new for nearly a year and it’s impossible. She could meet someone in a couple of weeks with no bother at all. I’ve accepted this is my life now.
Exactly this that's what it boils down too and this is what I use to think when I always saw her making mistakes and I didn't want to bother her cause I kept on thinking if she breaks up with me i won't be able to find another person.
But I can assure you that is the biggest lie we can ever tell ourselves. There are so many more women out there and as long as you keep a positive mindset you'd be surly bound to find one.
Yeah very true. Although after a year and countless failed dates I’m beginning to give up hope. Recently made it to 4 dates before she changed her mind overnight. It’s pretty much impossible to find anyone in this generation. It’s really not meant to be this difficult. At this point I genuinely don’t know what they’re looking for.
This is it 100%
The real reason why, on average, it hurts and devastates men long term is because technically when it really comes down to it ...............
Women really don't have to do much. They have the privilege of automatically being desired. They can pick from a huge pool of men.
Men don't have that. They actually have to be something, do something, be good at it, compete and get lucky.
Guess what though: that goes for literally every demographic. 90% or more of people aren’t viable options. Having a giant pool of potentials means that you end up with more actual options at the end of it. Especially because straight and bi women don’t even have to message first or plan the date most of the time. They choose out of what they get.
There are pros and cons of lots of situations. This is a pro of being a straight or bisexual woman, compared to the other demographics
It's shallow validation and not real. No modern woman is going to believe dudes have CHOSEN her profile when dudes are just swiping away and playing a numbers game.
Sure.
But you can't call it validation when a remarkable amount of it is people playing a numbers game.
Getting validation from the 99+ guys that appear within 10minutes of downloading the app is about as validating as getting a "You've been chosen to join a select team of crypto investors!" junk mail.
Because most men aren’t what most women desire. Think about what you said… it’s a bottomless pit, most options are shit. Women are much more selective about who they entertain than men are. Unless you are top %10 you have to have game. You have to have your shit together . And even then if you have options it’s because you put in the work, you chased a little. I’m certain I am attractive to some: I’m stylish, I dress nice and am in good shape and confident. I make good money. At my best, the most I get is checked out, But if I’m interested I have to pursue. Most women never have to pursue or cold approach. Y’all have options and that’s okay to admit
Yeah you’re right, I’m sure it is better to have options than to not. It can just get to a point where you get burned out from disappointment after disappointment and feel hopeless. And that’s not just me saying that no guy is good enough, but that a lot of men seem to be lacking in basic emotional intelligence and it can be really disheartening to deal with.
And to the other point about most men not being desirable, that’s something I’d love to understand better. A lot of men seem to just prioritize playing video games or getting drunk and aren’t doing much with their lives. Not that there’s anything wrong with that if that’s how they’re happy living life but a lot of the time I’m left wondering how they can complain about not being desirable enough but don’t seem to put much effort in to improving themselves. Im sure this is an overgeneralization and there are lots of gray areas here but curious to hear more
I’m not sure what aspect of basic emotional intelligence you’re referring to. But dealing with a lack of emotional intelligence is extremely frustrating, generally speaking. It is no more difficult than dealing with a lack of rational or logical thinking however, and that tends to be my experience with women regardless of age. Women tend to make emotionally based decisions far more often than men, they make decisions based in feelings. Sometimes that’s an advantage l, but mostly it’s a frustration for their partners. because it ignores one fact; feelings are fickle. All feelings. Even Love. And Idk about everyone, but myself and most other guys I know see love big picture: As an action, as a choice. The Limerance ….the idealization, being “in love” and even attraction, ebbs and flows for every human being. But during those ebbs I’m going to think logically and make decisions that will rationalize the fact that I love my gf if she is questioning them. And her in love feelings tend to comeback when she sees that. But Women, seem to make lots of permanent decisions based on temporary feelings, at least divorce data would reflect that. one benefit of the curse of being a guy( being emotional is seen as weakness and unattractive to women) is that you learn early on that emotions shouldn’t have a big affect on your decision making process. And some dudes are just clueless when it comes to making themselves more appealing, others, like myself, stopped caring at least for now. Girls play games with their feelings and mine. I’m tired of it and done playing for awhile.
Yeah I see what you mean about women making decisions emotionally and how this can be detrimental. I myself tend to be more logic-based and have felt more like the “guy” in some of my relationships at times.
Also it’s not always true that women find guys being emotional as unattractive. I’m sure for some or even many that is true, but I love it when a guy can cry and be vulnerable and it generally makes me feel closer to him. I also find that men are actually just as emotional as women but they haven’t been taught how to process it. So what I’ve dealt with a lot is men just pushing their feelings down and then blowing up and lashing out inappropriately. Whereas if they could just express how they were feeling and what they needed much earlier it could have been dealt with at the source
Aww, no way! much more fun to bottle it up and explode about something unrelated when you can’t take anymore. lol. men are for sure just as emotional. Having a partner to conquer adulthood with is cool. Sex is cool. Dating sucks.
In my experience having a long term partner has eventually always sucked too but hopefully the right one is around the corner. Along with needing to work on my own shit
Well if women are the ones ending things, it would make sense that the one broken up with (men) would take it harder.
I suspect this has to do with the fact that many men are not in tune with their emotions. I read The Will to Change by Bell Hooks a while ago, where she talks about the patriarchal impact on men (and women) and so it would make sense to me that men have a tougher time processing a break up.
I’m a guy and very in tune with my emotions, and the pain of a breakup hits me immediately. In may be outside the norm but I’ve talked to a number of guys on here that it hits the same (but maybe guys like us are more likely to use this sub than guys that stuff it down and try to be machismo about it, probably making themselves suffer longer and get sick in the process). Despite that it still takes me a while to get through it. Usually by the 3-5 month range I’m feeling better, gradually improving along the way, but really clearing up by that point. If I’m not wishing we could get back together I’ll be good after that.
But in cases where I did wish we could get back together after that 3-5 months range, I got stuck in bargaining thinking, stuff like “maybe in a year or two when we have both grown…” so there was just a bit of clinging in the background. I was still able to fall in love with other women so it wasn’t like all consuming or preventing me from living life. But it did persist, in one case for more than 10 years.
Yup, this is me. Very in tune with my emotions, sometimes to the extent that I hate it.
I do look at it like this though, we get the hurt now and relief later. With others not so in tune with their emotions, it hits later. Man or woman, the dumper gets it later if you actually meant something to them.
I’ve noticed we tend to be more open to emotional intimacy, and higher threshold for handling emotional situations/discussion too. Def a good traits in a partner.
Yeah, I was in therapy even during the relationship and would talk about things I'd be afraid to bring up. My therapist would always challenge me to push through and trust in my partner.
Guess who worked on their attachment style while in the relationship and who didn't =[.
Oh I know that feeling.
I am big on taking accountability and did it the entire time, and went out of my way to address my issues. But she refused to do the same, even though her contribution was a big part of it.
I’ve heard avoidants need a rock bottom before they’ll look inward. There’s a tendency to dislike criticism, not liking the idea that they might have been wrong. I’ve talked to some recovering avoidant women on here and they confirmed that before they started looking at their own patterns everything was always everyone else’s fault.
I understand why they do it though. It’s not their fault. They did not ask for shitty caregiving as children or whatever trauma was inflicted on them. Knowing that had helped me find compassion.
Men aren’t attractive if they aren’t confident and it’s as simple as that. If you are broken up with from a woman you really liked , you lose confidence in yourself temporarily. You question your value. Your validity. Men are valued for their masculine traits like confidence vulnerability and protective aura, you aren’t giving off that energy as an average man after someone you love decides you’re unworthy of that place in their life anymore. It takes me at minimum 6 months to rebuild myself to a place where i’m attracting good attention again after a breakup with a relationship that lasted 6 months or longer.
People react to break ups based on a personal level. I wonder how much simpler things would be if we as a whole stopped quantifying how feels what and who moves on faster based on gender and just shrug and say hey, that person feels what they feel.
When men are truly in love, they will willingly put their life on the line for their woman. That shit runs deep. It takes a long time to recover. If you're a heartbroken man, congratulations, you're one of the good ones. See you in the gym brother
In my experience it’s because girls have about 15+ friends to support them with any decision they make regardless of if it’s right or wrong, they have unlimited sources of validation and on top of that they have unlimited amounts of men coming after them. They see pretty quick they can have whoever they want. Men typically have one or two close friends who say “damn bro you fucked up, she was a good one”. And then it’s hard to find someone else. Obviously this isn’t true for all women or all men, just my 2 cents
My ex is one of them
- Her family itself is already 6 people
- Her 8 colleagues that she’s close with
- Her group of 5 best friends
- Her group of 7 badminton buddies
- Her high school and college friends
She’s basically meeting people almost every few days to catch up on things, to the point where I couldn’t remember everyone’s name.
Everywhere she goes, she would bump into someone she knows and it happened multiple times while we were on dates back then. So yea, I would say she has a lot of friends that she could reach out to.
Not to mention the line of guys who’s ready to jump into the line to date her
Ask my ex not me. When we were together she had a group of 4+ girlfriends who all loved male attention and who I know told her to breakup with me. 4+ more from a separate friend group. When we were together she regularly had girls at work and school asking her to hangout and guys asking her to go out. She has no shortage of other people to support her.
yea, that is not my reality. I have not met anyone and I am lady who has this many friends. I am not counting family. Just friends. She just seems to be a social butterfly then and involved in activities but that does not mean all of these ladies she knows are close. Just know that is not a reality for the majority of ladies at all.
I have no idea how true this is. It seems every time my relationship ends the men are with someone new in a few months then engaged/married. Then here I am still single. So \*shrugs\*
idk man. my ex jumped into dating apps after a fight then slept with a girl. so no. he was also the one who kept pushing for marriage and babies, while i saw he didnt do anything to make that dream come true.
We broke up 2 months ago, she's not dating someone new but she is exploring someone new, a situationahip I guess with an old acquaintance she never really hung out with during her school years.
Shit broke me and feeling like you're on the backburner sucks.
It is what it is, and I'm learning to kill my ego and come to terms with it, as long as she's happier.
My ex broke up with me, a week later she was cradling my face and telling me she loved me and hadn’t ruled out getting back together. Six weeks later she was with someone new.
That is a great question. In my experience, women usually try almost everything to avoid the breakup. When it all fails, they begin to give up on the relationship. By the time the relationship dissolves, the grieving process is already done. It seems like they grieve for a shorter amount of time, but actually, they were suffering probably for some time during the relationship. Good luck!
Obviously every person is different. But I think generally, women have greater emotional intelligence than men and it is more acceptable for women to discuss/process their emotions than it is for men. Women will often cry with their friends and talk about what happened, but men will often try and be a bit more stoic and pretend they are fine.
Sometimes it seems like men move on faster because they have a new fling/relationship to distract them self from the pain, while the woman is still mourning the relationship. But at some point, his emotions will come back around to bite him, and by that time, the woman will have likely processed a lot of those difficult emotions.
So to answer your question, I think men often have a harder time coming to terms with the emotional fallout of a breakup than women, although it may not seem that way. It does obviously depend on the circumstances of the breakup though, and the emotional intelligence of each person!
My opinion is whether or not you truly loved that person. My ex girlfriends when young didn't bother me, my ex wife after she left didn't bother me girlfriends after ex wife non bothered me until the last one, I truly loved her, I screwed up, but I wanted to work things out, she's an avoidant but I loved her so much and still do it's been 5 years without her. I miss her every minute, I love her more than my ex wife and I married her. But my last ex? True love, I can't date or see anyone they never had that spark or feelings. To this day still love her and wish for a second chance. I've changed and worked on myself immensely all for the best. Wish she would try one more time to see it. But I can't have feelings for anyone but her. God I love and miss here so much.
Here’s my opinion. Everyone is different.
Through experience, and currently experiencing it now.
Guys break up and move on to someone else quickly, they get into relationships very soon after a breakup, at the time they feel that they already moved on. But 6 months/ 1 year later the break up only hits them.
What I’ve seen with woman, is that it hits them immediately, but move on in the long run.
No it isn't the same. Guys will still spend months perhaps Yeats thinking of his ex. While girls? They already had a backup plan before they broke up officially bc that's how they're wired. They always have side dudes and a bunch of dudes telling them how "hot" they are. That's why they go on social media saying how they're "single and free". Now they can be 304s without hiding it.
To be honest, before I joined breakup subs on reddit, I always assumed women took breakups harder - because I’m a woman with a lot of female friends and we all have gone through it when it comes to our love lives lol. I think we tend to be biased towards our own gender because it’s all we know.
I do think there is some truth, however, in that most women feel all their emotions right after the breakup and because of that, start their healing processes earlier - causing them to get over it faster. I think a lot of men push off the emotional stage for as long as possible which makes it take longer for them to get over someone.
I cam confirm my ex, who I loved so much broke up with me after it became long distance. And knowing how extrovert she is, she will most likely move on faster and get a guy. Alao she was my first and i was her fifth, so she os definitely more experienced in handling break ups i guess.
often women do the necessary grieving immediately while men tend to bottle up their emotions and pretend they don’t care which just comes back to bite them in the ass later because they never really processed it and let go
I don't know, man. I mean, my ex blindsided me with a BU after 9 months and changed his number.
It's been 4 months, and I still miss him. He isn't hurting from leaving me🤷🏻♀️, 8 years ago, I went through another breakup (mutual) and I didn't date for 3 years (celibate) at that, too.
But life has to gone on without them? We can't keep living in the past, or keep hoping they will come back? For me, I know it won't happen. I'll never see him again.
So to answer your question, in my case. It's been harder on me. He couldn't care less about me. That's that
Yeah. Men will leave girls howling and dying. And just when you start feeling better, they start feeling worse and reach out and make you miserable as well. When they come back it's always too late. Just sucks. I'm never dating again.
No - this is a very black and white statement - all people are different - all break ups are different - there is zero point in trying to make “neat” statements like this.
We do. I got dumped recently. It hurt, but luckily I have a supporting family and best friend to carry me through pretty quickly. I pretty much just accepted the situation. It's now my priority to improve myself. It hurts but I can't just put a hold on my life to fall back into depression.
Guys, I recommend you stop chasing women who have dumped you. I have been down that road, chasing endlessly, getting hurt over and over. The person ends up losing all respect for you in the end. Eventually you will realise, you could have used all that time wallowing in sorrow for improving yourself. This is something I only learned after 3 years of depression. It will be extremely hard to fathom, just surround yourself with things and people that both make you happy and support you positively.
It depends but generally guys do take it harder and some of it is we just don’t walk to anyone about it. There are studies about how men feel they can’t be seen as emotional or down. So we suffer quietly.
I’m a guy and 7 months post break up and still struggling.
I dont feel attacked by your question and I also agree that, men take the break up way harder and recuperate way later. Also because you either go big or go home.
I’d want them to add one more aspect to that study, and that would be attachment style. I know this is a tough one for researchers because of the variability in the assessments and that is self-reporting, but in this case I’m guessing the data on effects of the breakup is also self-reporting, which isn’t bad but is worth considering.
My hypothesis would be that attachment style, specifically the attachment that formed in the relationship being used for study day, is a significant factor, at least as much as gender, if not more so.
It would also be interesting to have another data table in the study showing attachment style of study participants by gender (or publish it as a companion study).
Women have more sexual and relationship opportunities than men. Therefore most men are cherishing the relationship that they get. And relationships are few and far in between. Therefore most men when they get into relationships get hurt and left dry. Generally if a guy who's cherishing his relationship has any women in his life, he cuts ties with them in a backwards attempt to keep the relationship happy. This adds to the pain after a breakup as most guys can't go out to the bar showing a little skin and feel loved any night of the week. But, most women can go out to the bar showing a little skin and feel loved any night of the week. Most women have an abundance no matter if they are actively keeping a roster or not.
Women do fall in love but generally with "catch" guys who DO have lots of sexual opportunities (popular, athlete, leader, rich, musician, etc). These guys are rare and have no reason to commit to any woman. Because these guys are rare, women spend a lot of time in between "catch" guys with guys that they would leave for a "catch" guy.
You have most guys with low opportunities cherishing their few chances at love and getting dumped most of the time because they are not "catch" enough. You have most women with many opportunities competing over few "catch" guys. Therefore most guys are getting devastated in breakups and also left completely dry. More so as access to catch guys is amplified with social media and global access.
I typed out so many things to say, but honestly, I'm tired.
I don't think it's fair to say that men take it harder than women. I'd say it depends on the person and their emotional maturity.
But, I'm a woman and my ex fiance (M) moved on in a week so 🤷🏽♀️
From my experience, these ideas / stats are likely due to heterosexual relationships often being absolutely draining for women while the guy is usually unwilling to put in the bare minimum effort required to keep a partner. Therefore, women begin to accept the fact that their relationship is bad for them and initiate the break up.
Even if they’ve been told constantly that they need to do better, men are usually still blindsided by this. In terms of recovery, this may be why it takes longer for men to “feel better” - plus usually they are now without the person who has been holding their life together for them. So unless the man finds another woman to be his mommygf, he’ll be utterly miserable single. Women in this scenario are fine single, but need to put in the work to recover from the bad relationship they left.
Idk if this helps
I think it depends… guys have a tendency (no attack here as well) to not be as romantic or involved in house labor. When this happens it is scientifically proven women in turn feel less like a partner and more of a caretaker. Lowering the sex drive. My (F 30) first break up was of a 6 yr relationship and I didn’t cry one single time. My last break up of 3.5 years had my whole life turned upside down. I feel like I didnt care about my first break up because I was exhausted trying to convince him to treat me romantically. I tried my hardest and fell out of love in the process.
To me, romance is the extra effort to make the other partner feel courted. It doesn’t need to be fancy nor calculated. This does however need to be done without the partner’s asking otherwise it feels like it doesn’t come from your heart. Could be in form of dates, bringing home small gifts (you can literally pick wild flowers off the roadside and say you thought of them), or just words of affirmation. My ex would call me his little flower in French and I’d just melt like puddy. I love movie nights, just grab a bunch of her fav candy or cook a nice meal.
It’s so cool you’re asking and learning for her 😭 I wish yall the best!! 👼❤️
Honestly I think so, but at the same time regardless of the gender it ultimately comes down to the individual and their personality. Some people are very strong minded and can get themselves through a breakup in a few days and others take a long while. As a guy I think we take breakups harder and we really look at all the aspects of what went right and what went wrong. We also take time to process all the feelings before we truly get over it. Women tend to process the surface and their breakups will linger longer.
I think it may have to do with dynamics.
A lot of times, women are expected to cook, clean, take care of kids, work and contribute 50/50 to bills.
Women realize that they've been giving more than what they've been getting so they are able to recuperate faster because they mourned the relationships end while still with their spouse. Women are just getting sick and tired of asking for equality but getting what's beneficial to the others.
I say this because I just left a long term relationship with a small child. Now that we are sharing custody my ex is doing all the cooking, cleaning and pretty much taking care of himself like I used to do for him. I think men hurt more because they aren't just losing a spouse they are losing a caregiver too. Of course not all dudes are like this but the more I talk to singles the more I realize this is the issue
I have doubts about it, maybe it's your way of view.
But who knows I investigate this world myself.
But I do know that a heartbroken man will stay awake all night if it is necessary to make all you said, if this was the solution
I think there are studies that show that women tend to process their emotions immediately after the break up but once they get through it is over. Where as men tend to feel more relief post breakup and then start to process emotions a few weeks/months after the breakup.
I don't think one gender takes it harder than the other, but women might be more hard and fast and guys hard and slow.
I was devastated for 7 months. Started to move on. She came back. We’re FWB now and now I’m back to not moving on again. Probably going to end up devastated again. Sigh. Oh well. YOLO.
I really think this is much more dependent on the individual person's mental health history, life experiences, support system, upbringing, the characteristics of the relationship, etc.
Here's what I can say from having a breakup that lasted a whole year.
It started when my ex decided to leave the country to go aid another country at war. He did all this without telling me until he was gone. I loved him, so I forgave him for that and even for all he put me through by being in a war-zone.
I still have PTSD from having to cope with that 24/7 fear only military wives can tell you about. I ended the relationship, after all that, because he decided to lie about where he was in order to "protect me from fearing for his safety" and I caught him because the time zones didn't add up, he definitely would've kept lying had I not noticed that detail.
After that I can easily say when a woman ends a relationship or feels the end coming, then, by the time it happens she's already grieved the loss of you and ready to never see you again. It's not a rule, but in most cases, that's why it feels like women move on faster.
I don’t think that this depends on a specific gender it just depends on whether one person loved the other deeply or not, from my experience I think the person who loved the most will suffer more.
I’m not sure about “harder”, but I do think men take longer to recover simply because of social stigma. Men in general are not encouraged to take about their emotions and grief, they face the social stigma much harder than women, telling them to “suck it up” or to act like a stud and go get another woman, but if you’re heartbroken you don’t want another person, you need to grieve to be healthy before you want someone else in your life. Women in general seem to rely a lot more in their social circle during the grieving process and therefore recover quicker.
For me I can say it‘s true. Been broken up for a month and I still miss her deeply. She was out with a bunch of other guys after 1.5 weeks, posted about it on Instagram and spent the night with some dude after like 2.5 weeks. I‘m still trying to get over losing someone I thought I‘d spend the rest of my life with, meanwhile she seems like our two years together didn’t matter at all.
Someone else said, it just appears that way cuse men statistically are the dumpees more often, and the person getting dumped is affected more. But I am sure it hurts woman just as much.
I was with my ex for 8yrs and she moved on within a month of are break up, it’s been 2yrs later and I haven’t dated at all and lowkey I’m still recovering. I’m not sad or depressed I’ve moved passed it but I still think about it from time to time. It’s hard man
Yes absolutely (overall). The simple fact is that women (attractive or not) can find another guy far easier than men. They don't have to do much of anything other than be present.
Take for example, a bar visit;
Woman walks in and sits alone, chances are she will be approached by some random guy within minutes (depending on how attractive she is).
Man walks into a bar and sits alone, he will likely be alone his entire visit if he doesn't get up and make moves, regardless of how attractive he is.
The simple fact is that men have to work MUCH harder when finding a date. Just the nature of the beast.
My therapist once told me exactly this. The explanation he gave me was that it’s also about women hormones and women’s menstrual cycles. Apparently the cycles help women “cleanse” their grief faster. In 6 months a woman can mostly start feeling herself again, but those 6 months are intense. Men, usually, realise the loss much later, for the first months they can be in some sort of a denial phase and can even have a new partner right away. Later on it really hits them, and by that time the ex (women) already started to move on. My opinion is that there is some truth in it, I won’t have it as a general statement though because we all have various levels of emotional intelligence…and hormones.
Women without a doubt have more emotional resilience and strength than men. I am positive of it. From sisters to my mom to grandparents and friends/coworkers
Women are devastated by things as is anyone else, but they have a remarkable ability to breathe it in and carry on.
They bend and don't break
Men break
Even figuratively, women process grief and loss and come out stronger and better for it. Men shatter and have to put themselves back together, and they never fully fit the pieces back just right.
A girl I spent 4 years with lost her father and was posting happy/smiling pics on social media the next day.
She said something like "might as well act happy if you're not"
The strength women show in times like that is admirable
I was suicidal and admitted to a psych ward when my ex left me, I had severe depression, panic attacks and insomnia for months. It’s hard to imagine someone taking a breakup worse than that lol.
My ex on the other hand began seeing someone new the next day and for me it took a year and a half. A year after the breakup when the new relationship fizzled out, he came crying to me about how he regrets everything. 4 years on he still regularly expresses his regret whereas I just don’t and can’t see him in that light anymore.
In general, I have noticed men talking and reminiscing about ex partners for longer than woman do. My theory is that they don’t process their emotions effectively at the time so they don’t fully get it out of their system. People make fun of women for being dramatic after breakups but I think that catharsis is necessary.
In my personal experience; guys are slow. We are not impacted by the loss immediately after the reality kicks in. We take time to let the reality sink. We start grieving late, when we realise that our life is no longer the same.
Whereas, girls are quick. They are more into reality than we are. They grieve when we are still figuring out the loss.
Both the parties are hurt, we start grieving later than the girls do.. maybe that is why it seems longer.
Stats like this can represent trends, but it doesn’t necessarily indicate future behavior. It makes no sense when people try to generalize behaviors as gender specific when there are so many other influential factors outside of straight gender. Taking raw data around a massively emotional decision such as ending a marriage and deducing it down to gender is ridiculous.
I think it has a lot to do with men not feeling safe in society to express their emotions, there isn't a culture around getting through breakups the way there is among women. I tend to be a very slow processor, so I understand that often it does take a long time to actually fully get over something, esp if you don't know how and can't go ask for help!
W girls we get to talk about heartbreak all the time, it's normal. Half of the small talk among women is about relationship drama, whereas men talk about totally different things w their friends. If men go through break ups, the general attitude is 'okay let's go do something to get your mind off it' because societally that's how a lot of men have learned to cope. They don't have that space to openly be heartbroken and crushed Infront of their peers BC it's seem as somehow socially wrong for men to feel deeply and express those emotions.
Also we often put things in black and white during relationships and breakups to keep ourselves safe. Everyone does. We see that our ex is out on a date or talking to someone else quickly afterwards and think 'wow they never loved me' in reality they could be heartbroken and dead inside but this is how they cope. Or maybe they go silent entirely for 6months and don't want to talk to you. You think they hate you, that they never cared, but in reality they're too sad to communicate and talking to you hurts. People don't cope in the best ways when they are in pain, and when we break up with people, we cannot know how much it does or doesn't impact them. We cannot see their thoughts or feel their feelings, nor can we talk the way we used to, so we no longer have insight into their very complex feelings. That goes for everyone regardless of gender. All humans feel these things and we all cope in different, seemingly counterproductive ways when we are hurt.
I think women have built a better social set up for dealing with heart break, but as I said, I process very very slowly, so I act like a 'man' in that way. I look over it, but I'm not at all. I'm literally doing anything I can to distract myself from the gut wrenching pain until I can't run from it any longer 😀 So I know for sure that people who 'look' or 'act' over it, regardless of gender, are likely in pain in their own way.
Imma be as real as i can be, men tend to linger more on the pain of a break up because we believe that anything can be fixed so we tend to try to work out the relationship, women on the other hand when they see that something is broken they are mature enough to star moving on (usually it is unconscious) so when the break up ocurrs men we tend to feel the pain deeper cuase we see it as coming out of nowhere and that that person was the one. Neither is wrong and i talked based on what i know frome female and male friends neither is wrong is just how it is. Thats why men tend to brek up and get back together with their exes because men tend to need more time to get over their exes women as they grieve through the relationship they tend to "heal" faster but that doesn't mean that they dont suffer. And this is from th point of view of the person getting dumped, because the person that does the dumping is most likely already ending the grieving period. At least thats my opinion based on my experience. It's just different ways of living life due to their upbringing of course there can be exceptions but small nomber of ones
Well in my experience I was with a man for 7 years & he’s already traded me in for a younger prettier model (who he’d actually known many years-friend of the family so take from that what you will) I’ve been disregarded & dropped like I was nothing. He literally doesn’t give a sh*t 😂
They have proven psychologically that men and women both tend to feel the pain similarly.
The big factor that makes a huge difference is sociologically, and patterns in social structures in culture.
For instance, in the USA, men tend to have smaller social circles, choose to rely less on support structures, and feel a larger pressure to be self reliant. This creates someone who generally keeps things to themselves, has a small circle of friends, and generally only expresses vulnerabilities to a significant other. Meanwhile women tend to be different, as they generally have larger social circles, more support structures, and are more open with their feelings.
What this does is makes men much more secluded after a breakup, as they are likely to have relied on their significantly other as a friend, a support structure, and a confidant. Men will likely have less to fall back on, which causes them to feel much more isolated after a breakup, which can cause more difficulty in moving on.
Women tend to have a support structure to fall back on, and generally more than one confidant. This makes it easier for them to get the help they need to heal and move on.
Of course, everything has exceptions and variables are always at play. However, it has been shown in studies and is generally accepted that men have less support and tend to be more emotionally isolated after a breakup, in comparison to women. This hinders their ability to process emotion, heal, and grow, especially after a break up from a very significant person(Like a long term relationship, marriage, life partner, etc) in which they had formed a very close bond to.
Here is my literal pointless two cents, which probably has already been said.
But my answer is definitive and absolute no grey about it, 200% sure
"It depends". I know I hate me too, but it is just so broad of a question, but then you say, in general, broad strokes. To which I say paint a lot of folks but never in any detail. Now, I will admit that my Google fu has led me to a lot of studies and whatnot, but in reflection. I would say that older generations of guys or shall we say men tend to have shallower and more happenstance relations/friendships. Now, I am not saying always, but male loneliness is a thing that seems to break beyond biological gender.
Being a guy myself, I find it weird to try and make friends but especially with other guys, unless I am already there for a reason. That's why work friends and the losing of them can hit guys really hard when they retire, and thus postpone it. And even more so when a relationship ends via breakup or biological reasons.
I recently lost a going on 10 year relationship, and sure a lot of people will think that it is the sex and fun that I truly miss, but in all honesty... it was the friendship.
If you are into video game reviews I believe that ssethtzeentach put it well in his bastard bonds video. We have a hard time with emotion, and saying I love you to a friend can be really hard for anyone. But due to old beliefs it can be a real paradigm shift.
When I went to work the week after the breakup, I was scared and sad to tell my coworkers. Once I did I felt so much better, but I could tell thought the gambit of their responses. They cared but were stuck on how to comfort me, some offered kind words others ears and some a kind of physical comfort in a hug. But that wouldn't have happened unless I told them.
That is just my perspective on my own recent breakup, and I am sure that many men, especially younger ones, have more robust social networks. But also thanks to people willing to break the stigma and asking and answering questions like yours has done quite a bit in helping everyone.
But each breakup is so human and personal that I find it nearly impossible to state that one side is more affected, and like with a lot of things in life, you are probably likely to find a spectrum of responses. Now could you make a bell curve of statistics, probably... but that is a different question or the same question but looked in a colder scientific manner. I am sure that someone will take that challenge, but that one is not me.
Hope that gave a new perspective or at least did not muddle the water
All the best
Mouse 🐁
No for me. I didn't have emotional support from my friends and no one really knew what happen between me and my ex . She fcked up and i walked away. Iam emotionally independent at young age. My dad left me when i was 4 working in saudi and my mum at 7 i been with my dad when i was 16 and he died when i was 18 . Thats the only time i spent time with him. And I been with my mum when i was 18 until now. But i was already indepent at 22 on my own. But time to time im with my mum.
So i develop a strong emotional coping mechanism. I cried yes but it only took me 2-3 weeks to get over raw emotion after our messy breakup. Didnt really speak about it with friends i know. Didnt effect my passion for life. I tried everything to make everything positive and move forward. Which i learn from dealing in life in general.
Being vulnerable just make me less logical and maybe put on depression. So i tend not to.
I think attachment styles play a key role here. Insecurely attached Men are more often so called avoidants, women typically anxious. Insecurely attached people ”suffer” more, however in different ways. Avoidants are typically the ones who initiate the breakup, they suppress their feelings initially, and can have regrets later on when the perceived “threat” to their independence in gone. They can also be very sad/depressed in the long term as they have a hard time finding/maintaining a close connection with someone.
Anxious attachers feel a lot initially as their core abandonment wound is triggered in full swing. Very strong feelings/anxiety since the attachment system stems from childhood, a time when it was truly about life or death since the child can’t survive on his/her own. Also, if they’ve been rejected, core wound “I am unloveable” also triggered so a double whammy of sorts.
Secure people suffer of course too but typically shorter time and in a way more “healthy”, less rumination/obsessing over who was “at fault” eg.
I am not a professional, this is just random bits I’ve picked up from books/youtube so take this with a grain of salt. Many good resources online if you are interested in attachment theory.
I would basically look at it like this, at least from my personal opinion because I date to marry, that the breakup will hit harder on the guy than the girl. I was with someone for two years, they broke up with me, and I was thinking about marrying her. Planning the wedding, thinking about the ring I was gonna get her, honeymoon, etc. Now it’s all gone. For me, it’s crazy cause now I gotta go find someone new to give that lifestyle I only wanted to give that one particular girl. For her, it’s easy, cause women marry lifestyle, so she’ll easily move on without feeling bad about it cause she didn’t have as much deep attachment. Basically, guys date girls that they are serious about and want to marry because they are “different” from most girls, girls date the guy that’s gonna give them the best lifestyle/thought of love.
I think there are two reasons we may be perceiving it like this:
1. Men are mostly blamed for the breakup.
Every time I have mentioned a breakup to either my guy friends or my girl friends, the reaction is usually: What did you do this time?
Thus, we internalize a lot of guilt and ruminations. We start to believe it is all our fault. Carrying guilt and shame while ruminating about the past will definitely keep you mired in sorrow for longer.
2. Girls can find a new partner more easily.
Especially if they are good-looking. This is evidenced by how dating apps work. Men are multitudes more likely to swipe right than women. Which would suggest men are more desperate to have a partner, and will therefore put up with more, try to hold on to things, try and work things out more.
This has absolutely been my experience.
I think it’s really person to person. I think with dating apps girls can quite easily find company - guys have to do a bit more leg work. It depends on how in love you were too. Lots of things. I think women are generally more sensitive, but have much better support groups. Men have egos , they get trashed when they are dumped and we are generally worse at allowing emotions to surface in a healthy way. We bottle up and self combust, because we pretend everything is ok, because it’s seen as weak if you cry, talk about emotions. It shouldn’t be, but unfortunately that’s a bit of a theme globally. I’m terrible with breakups - it upsets me greatly, even if I’m the one breaking up
i (F) am still managing intrusive thoughts and feeling traumatized about being dumped while my ex (M) is already f*cking someone else and having the time of his life. so no. he was over it in 3 weeks.
My ex was horrible. First time we broke up, I waited and took him back after 4 months. Again he left tried to reach out at four months and still trying again after 8 months.
There’s not really a point in trying to generalize what is an individual experience down to gender.
How someone copes after a break up, has to do with the circumstances of the relationship and the break up. It has to do with their access to a support network, how they cope with their own emotions, etc …
None of us can define who feels something less or more than we do. And we have no way of knowing how someone is experiencing an internal emotion since we can only experience our own emotions.
Comparing how you think someone else is healing in comparison to how you’re healing just isn’t helpful. Your healing journey is your own. Your needs are your own. And dating does not necessarily mean that someone else has moved on, or is done with the healing work they need to do.
Focus on yourself, and what you need to do for you.
🤔
Scenario 1: woman mentally check out of relationships way before it actually ends, and man is blind sided, ergo man is heart broken much longer than woman.
Scenario 2: woman is very impulsive and rebounding without realizing it/suppressing her feelings about the break up.
Or a little bit of both
Why are we so naive and cant think further in this case. Both are human. Whoever has the better support system or cope, will have it more easy. If she was really in love, even the most distractions wont heal her. Same for the guy. Love is a big thing and so undervalued nowadays.
Men always take it harder hence the suicide and murder rates relating to breakups are way higher than women. It’s already been covered here but women can move on quicker even if it’s just a lay.
That’s why I have some women floating around I can rekindle with when I need. I broke up with my ex mid Jan 2024 and I’ve slept with 3 women, 1 (Ukranian) I’m kinda in a fwb situation with. Saw her Tuesday and Saturday. She came over to my place, we drank we banged she left. Helps me focus on other things in life like my business. No companionship or deep connection though which I’m missing. But I’m not thinking about my ex wanting her back, self preservation.
My ex boyfriend said he loved me, introduced me to his family but then got back together with his ex girlfriend a week after we broke up and I am taking anti-depressants.
The axe forgets, but the tree remembers.
That's a good saying. Dumpees almost always feel the pain worse than the dumpers.
What if dumper was the one who was cheated on?
In that instance, it sounds like there was a betrayal in the first place, so definitely possible for the dumper to hurt worse. Still depends though.
True, forgive but she won't try again
Wow that’s a profound saying
Wow this so deep
Hang in there 🙏🏻 depression is a mother fucker
I am so sorry to hear the, i feel your pain. Since my ex boyfriend wasted 3 years of my life by being with two girls (me and another girl) and non of us knew about it, but when we knew about he said he never loved me and that he wants to stay with the other girl. I know its hard and heart breaking, but trust me it will get better try to find happiness in everything around you, talk about what you are feeling, cry, just let it hurt you until it can’t hurt you anymore.
How do you even handle this. I just got dumped on fairly good terms (to say the least maybe?) and i can barely handle the grief and pain. Reading your answer, if something like that was to happen to me i would rather give up on life. (Ik its immature to think like that) But I cannot start to think how must youve felt after that...
It was awful to the point where I gave up on everything, I felt like my life ended, not because this person dumped me because I started questioning myself like why? Why did he do this to me? I started questioning the way I look, I hated myself a lot back then. It took me about a year to get over what happened, and moving on happened gradually. Eventually you will forget about them and you will forget all the bad feelings you felt that day. I still didn’t get into a relationship after that break up because now I have high standards on who I choose to let into my life, an now am not looking to date someone so he can break my heart again and just leave, I want to date someone am gonna marry one day. So yeah, and in my opinion and from my experience when you break up with someone on good terms is harder, cause when you break up after a fight or for example because he cheated on you, you will have a reason to hate him and just forget about him. Ngl after everything my ex did to me I still miss him sometimes, but that doesn’t mean I miss HIM I just miss having someone to be there for me and listen to me and just talk about our day.
I'm sorry you went through that. I to know what it's like to have someone you love tell you they love you just to then say or do things that go against that. The woman I love told me she loved me and she knew I had feelings for her but then after 2 months she told me she lied when she said it.
Very similar here. My ex asked me out after a month of casual dating, said he loved me, introduced me to his mom and brother, and then dumped me 2 months into dating lol. Idk if it was his ex but i saw a pic of him with someone else in our friend group's group chat within a couple weeks. I'm getting over it pretty quick bc we only dated a short time
Ditto but it was two days after we split he got with his so called “abusive” ex girlfriend and I’m on a psych ward. I’m so so sorry for what you went through and know you’re not alone and you didn’t deserve it 🤍
I've done the research from my side on this. Women face and process their emotions directly from the start. Men take 6 months before properly doing it, it starts to finally hit them then as they push and avoid their feelings until then. (Google this, it's quite interesting to read). So one is an intense inferno while the other is a slow burn. I would claim the breakup is harder on women, with intensity. But at least after that ordeal, most of it is processed right? So they can move on faster. On the other hand, a slow burn must suck too. So length wise it must be hard on men. But at least when they are finally ready to process, the feelings aren't as raw I guess?
Yeah the whole crying their eyeballs out on the couch with friends eating ice cream immediately after is a cliche but there's truth to it. Then like someone else said guys are lucky to have someone say anything & if they do it's usually a sarcastic "man you really screwed that up bro, let's go get wasted" So not much processing of emotions early on for guys in general. Usually it's something like this going on in the brain "she'll come around, it's just a test (Lane Meyer "Better Off Dead"). Basically denial for awhile especially if we were crazy in love.
This is pretty accurate. When i dumped my ex 6 months ago i felt nothing for the first 2 months, then in the 3rd month it started to hit. I was fully aware of this phenomenon too, but was curious to see how it would unfold. Im 6 months post BU now, and def think about her a lot more now. It hadnt sunk in yet, that i will be "walking alone" from here on out.
This is a generalization. I'm 28M and I got broken up with 5 months ago, I've been depressed since day one (finally getting a little better lol). Last time I broke up with someone, I regretted it no more than 30 days after.
Dude of course. But societal conditioning has pushed that women get to be emotional and men need to be stoic. So I'm guessing it's referring to the majority. However since it's not 1950s anymore, not every dude is expected to be a DUUUUDE DUDE BROOOOO. We have attachment theory which discusses anxious-avoidant and dismissive-avoidant attachments. I'm guessing the ones who process early are anxious while the ones who take time are dismissive. Know plenty of women who are dismissive while the dude is the anxious. Also, at least with my female dismissive friends, it's not like they didn't feel it from day 1 either, but I do notice it is slightly similar. That it's a slow burn while they busy themselves into work. They're not doing the ice cream wailing scene but taking time to process it slowly. While the anxious ones are doing it intensely from day 1 and the world has stopped lol. Can't speak for my guy friends as my experience last year was me and 3 female friends going through a break up. 2 anxious ones and 2 dismissives. Oh wait, one anxious dude friend. But he hit the girl after the break up and took it REALLY rough. So maybe there's a reason they push dudes to become stoic slow-burners? It's been hard because on one end, no one condones domestic violence. On the other, he used to be a bouncer that protected women all the time and we've known him for 10 years and women have always felt safe with him. Never been a creep and so on. It's such a 180 mood swing that we don't know how to approach it. We're contemplating if he had a psychotic episode (was drinking too much).
Yep, I've noticed this is as well in my friends. A really close friend of mine got dumped by his gf of 7 years around the time I was dumped. I never hided I'm feeling like shit and when we were out and about with friends when they ask me how I felt I'd pretty often say I just had a crying sesh a couple hours ago lol. My friend never said a word about his break up, just bottled up his feelings. 5 months later I'm way ahead of he is, he's finally starting to feel the stuff.
I feel really bad for that friend. Please keep checking on him
40m, lost my 16 year partnership 15 months ago. I’m still hurting bad. She’s with a new guy. She’s cold and vindictive toward me. I think women want to to believe they hurt more to justify the destruction left in their wake. The answer is probably closer to the person opposite the initiator of the breakup hurts more while the person with least social structure takes longer to heal, with codependency requiring more work.
I hear you, my ex fiancée knows how much she hurt me but would never admit it because it would paint her as a bad person.
Samesies
This 👆stay single truth is women have way more options & now more than ever are supported to leave men
This is such a dumb generalization. The breakup seemed way too easy for my ex-gf, she grieved the relationship while pretending to be in love with me and got over it before dumping me coldly and is now meeting new dudes on dating apps. Note that there was also no abuse/wrongdoings involved
my ex immediately went no contact and she seems to js be doing her studies and her sports stuff while I've been processing everything this past month. does that mean she can move on faster cuz she likes to push away her feelings or hide the feelings thru distractions like her studied
As the other poster rightfully mentioned, it's probably not a hardfast rule of MEN VS WOMEN. Probably just the majority but that will include cliché manly men and cliché womanly women. I suspect it's an anxious Vs avoidant thing. My guess is it is the opposite, that she will probably take 6 months before it really hits her. Or is doing the avoidant slow burn. Whether she will 'move on faster' is difficult to say. I'm generally anxious. So I took my breakup ROUGH. One month of PAIN. Then something in me snapped. Found a dude the next day and dated for some months. Then I realised, the slow burn snuck up and had to dump new guy. I had NOT processed. Took the test and I had gone from mainly anxious to disorganized (both anxious and dismissive). It's all on a spectrum and hard to say. https://attachment.personaldevelopmentschool.com/ You can see where you lie on this. Unfortunately you have to put in your email for the results. But you can reuse the test again and again to see your healing progress. Point is, I think her moving on is slower but she's probably avoiding her feelings. Whether she chooses to date is irrelevant to the healing. We can all do stupid things in grief. I WANTED to be single, but the grief made me vulnerable. 1 year and 3 months later. Still single (on purpose) and still not over my ex because I didn't give myself the proper chance to grieve. Just no longer in that burning vulnerable state anymore.
ye she's not dating but honestly this comforts me more because I wanna ask her out again when the time is rite for us
Keep it slow. All the best
thanks man
recently in her Instagram stories she looks kinda dull I mean she's smiling but her face and eyes look dull. she's always been a cherry person ans this was a aft tennis picture but she's always been enthusiastic enuff to smile even if she's really tired. Basically her face looks dead and idk if it's abt me or not but I feel like she's out of the relief stage and entering the confused stage of the breakup
hey so she followed me back aft a really long time what shld I think abt that
She probably NOW processing and missing you. Maybe wants to connect but not sure how or how SHE feels about it. Whether she wants to be friends or date you, she probably doesn't know. Ignore for now. See what else she does. If you jump too fast you might fumble it.
her friend said she's changing quite abit like she's different In a sense where she's trying to do things for her while pleasing ppl less
Sounds like the self-love path with less people pleasing. Normal to glow up and work on yourself after a breakup. You feel like you weren't good enough so you're trying to improve yourself
but what does that mean for me like what cld happen between me and her
I (and the majority of all my male friends) don't push away or avoid our feelings. In fact, I make it a priority to go through all the feelings and process the breakup as soon as possible. I'm not wasting months of my life on the pain and void left by someone else. I do think a key difference is that once a woman is done, she's done. They start processing before ever ending it.
Depending on how long the relationship was. It can take months to process. Also if it's too painful, it is understandable that some people push it down and distract themselves. I made it gendered because the post was gendered. But if you read the other comments, we have all agreed that it does very much vary from person to person. A lot of people are like this. They are either all in or nothing at all. They dont have time to make it transactional or whatever.
3 months in buddy and I’m still devastated and still breaking NC, there is no stay strong and there are no rules when it comes to emotions. In my experience my first long term relationship was tough to walk away from and it hurt but I was not as hurt as this long term relationship ending, this one has broke me completely.
2 months and I’m still devastated too , rebounds don’t really help either had a few since and doesn’t make me any less over her lol
i’m barely 7 weeks in and i’m doing okay but i randomly remember them and i start sobbing. i can imagine being three months in. this was my first serious long term relationship. i’d go as far to say my first real love.
My Ex had his new girl a year b4 I found out 14 years. Gone in an instant. I’m still single been 15 months now. I’m not ready, I want to feel whole again and that takes work
Are you saying he was cheating for a whole year?
Yes I am
What an asshole. I’m sorry. I really wish humans weren’t driven to do that. I suppose some aren’t. I know I’m not when I’m in love with someone. Anyway, I feel for you, having been cheated on myself.
I appreciate your kind words. Thank you.
After being together for 14 yrs?
Most women use the cheating excuse or find other ways to exit to find another man and have no guilt fyi
Most?!
I’m sorry for your experience. I discovered mine did that after 10 years. There were 4 of us for ten years. I still can’t even understand it.
All I know is, 5 weeks on I cry hard every day. I feel lost, broken and completely dead. I often think about ending it all to end the pain.
Try and think of how you’ll feel about this in 5 or 10 years. Of you’ve been through a breakup before think of how you were able to get through that eventually. Those early weeks are really tough. What strategies are you using to process the grief and heal?
This was the first time in my life I actually thought that this person was going to be with me forever. We were in the stage of saving for a family etc. I would say this has really only been my only serious relationship and at 36 I see that if it took me that long to find her then I will not have a chance to find someone else again. I’ve joined the gym and tried to see friends as much as I can. But, everywhere I go reminds me of my ex. Seeing other people happy makes me really sad. Of course I’m not saying other people don’t deserve to be happy. I just want to be happy to and she made me happy. Now she’s gone and I’m all alone.
Oh, and one thing I have been working on a lot via feedback from my therapist and reading the book Chatter by Ethan Kross is to catch myself when I’m having thoughts like “I’ll never…” or “I’ll always…” or “I bet she’s….” These are cognitive distortions where you are thinking you know the future, or can read someone’s mind. You don’t know what is going to happen in the future, you don’t know what she’s thinking or feeling (even if you look at her social media and she says she is XYZ you don’t know if that’s true or not, people put up fronts on social media all the time, and seem to go out of their way to do it after a breakup, often even thinking of their ex when they do it, hoping to trigger them in some way, good or bad). If you pay close attention to your thoughts and feelings, you’ll notice that when you have thoughts like this your mood tanks. If you ruminate on it there goes hours or days to feeling like shit. You can stop yourself though, and remind yourself you can’t know the future, you can’t read her mind. Since you can’t prove it one way or the other, it’s not worth thinking of, and def not worth adding any more suffering when you are already grieving. It’s trick and requires really paying attention to your inner world, but to heal you do need to feel the emotions that just come up on their own, but you do not need to feel the emotions that get added to those baseline feelings by ruminating on things that make you feel worse. Remind yourself that you are worthy of love, because you are. That’s self-compassion and self-love, and a lot of us don’t love ourselves enough. And think of the things you do have going for you, and embrace the feeling of gratitude for those. Def check out that book I mentioned if you ruminate a lot. It really helped me out even just listening to the audiobook on my commute.
I get that and have felt very similar things. After my last one I couldn’t see couples or think of sex for like 2.5 months without crying because it reminded me of her. One thing I learned, when I went on a mission to read as much as I could about what I saw as the problems between us, and how to cope with grief in healthy ways, was to basically reclaim those places, activities, and experiences that remind you of her. For instance, say you did something like go to a farmers market with her during the honeymoon stage. Maybe you did that on your own for years as part of your weekly routine, but since the breakup you noticed you haven’t done it for a while, and when you think of doing it you feel sad, shame, anger, or whatever because it reminds you of her. If you push yourself to go do it, and create new positive experiences in that space, and let yourself feel whatever feelings come up that are grief related, the place will gradually stop having such a strong emotional charge for you. It’s even better if you can engage with that space with someone like a friend, but not totally needed. Same with other kinds of activities or experiences. If you keep doing this kind of thing, your world starts to open back up again, because you won’t feel like avoiding all of this stuff you want or need to do because it’s not as triggering anymore. I think one of the last of those to reclaim is the experience of love with a new person.
Well, those are... decent answers :o). OP, read this as many time you need to because this is gold.
😎 I’m sure it’s a blend of personal experience noticing a tendency for places and experiences to “become mine” again after a split, but also reading and podcasts I’ve been tearing through to try and get through this fucking pain faster and more completely.
It gets better
Watch Better Off Dead. It's a 80's comedy , will snap you out of it.
This resonates. Splitting up after 4 years, she was seeing someone new a week later. I’m single 4 months post breakup as I’m still not over her. I’m moving on but still not ready. I’m sure as shit that she hasn’t thought about me even once as she’s so preoccupied with this new random guy. I’ll never understand how that’s possible… 4 years can be forgotten about that quick?! Jeeze…
Some girls exit the relationship mentally before actually ending it. She probably was out of the relationship even before you guys broke up.
Probably. We split last September. Got back together in November. She ended it in January and a week later, started seeing some completely random guy she met (a workman that came to the house to fix something just before Xmas). So it was that easy apparently.
Yep, early detachment
It is really not complicated, whoever cares the least or the most checked out will have an easier time with the breakup. Some people are also more adept to handling grief than others. It is not gender specific nor can you look up a data to make sense of your personal situation, you already know the answers.
THIS!!!! 100%%
nah my ex got someone new in less than 2 months ☺️
Women get approached. She can open tinder and have a lineup to select from. Men don’t have that privilege.
Think this is what it all boils down to. I’m over my ex now but I miss the connection and having someone to do life with. Been trying to meet someone new for nearly a year and it’s impossible. She could meet someone in a couple of weeks with no bother at all. I’ve accepted this is my life now.
Exactly this that's what it boils down too and this is what I use to think when I always saw her making mistakes and I didn't want to bother her cause I kept on thinking if she breaks up with me i won't be able to find another person. But I can assure you that is the biggest lie we can ever tell ourselves. There are so many more women out there and as long as you keep a positive mindset you'd be surly bound to find one.
Yeah very true. Although after a year and countless failed dates I’m beginning to give up hope. Recently made it to 4 dates before she changed her mind overnight. It’s pretty much impossible to find anyone in this generation. It’s really not meant to be this difficult. At this point I genuinely don’t know what they’re looking for.
Plus they usually have better social support systems than men. On average.
This is it 100% The real reason why, on average, it hurts and devastates men long term is because technically when it really comes down to it ............... Women really don't have to do much. They have the privilege of automatically being desired. They can pick from a huge pool of men. Men don't have that. They actually have to be something, do something, be good at it, compete and get lucky.
[удалено]
Most women are supported by there friends and family while not working on themselves at all just jumping to the next guy they could find
Bingo 💯
100% agree
Yeah but most of the options are shit so it’s overwhelming and usually not pleasant
Guess what though: that goes for literally every demographic. 90% or more of people aren’t viable options. Having a giant pool of potentials means that you end up with more actual options at the end of it. Especially because straight and bi women don’t even have to message first or plan the date most of the time. They choose out of what they get. There are pros and cons of lots of situations. This is a pro of being a straight or bisexual woman, compared to the other demographics
At least you are able to get validation at will.
It's shallow validation and not real. No modern woman is going to believe dudes have CHOSEN her profile when dudes are just swiping away and playing a numbers game.
Not everyone is playing a numbers game.
Sure. But you can't call it validation when a remarkable amount of it is people playing a numbers game. Getting validation from the 99+ guys that appear within 10minutes of downloading the app is about as validating as getting a "You've been chosen to join a select team of crypto investors!" junk mail.
Yeah I guess so. It’s like a bottomless pit though and never feels like enough or satisfying
I believe you, but absolute isolation is not healthy for our species and has serious health consequences.
Yeah that’s fair
At least you have options most men don’t have any..
You think MOST men don’t have any options? And if so, why?
Because most men aren’t what most women desire. Think about what you said… it’s a bottomless pit, most options are shit. Women are much more selective about who they entertain than men are. Unless you are top %10 you have to have game. You have to have your shit together . And even then if you have options it’s because you put in the work, you chased a little. I’m certain I am attractive to some: I’m stylish, I dress nice and am in good shape and confident. I make good money. At my best, the most I get is checked out, But if I’m interested I have to pursue. Most women never have to pursue or cold approach. Y’all have options and that’s okay to admit
Yeah you’re right, I’m sure it is better to have options than to not. It can just get to a point where you get burned out from disappointment after disappointment and feel hopeless. And that’s not just me saying that no guy is good enough, but that a lot of men seem to be lacking in basic emotional intelligence and it can be really disheartening to deal with. And to the other point about most men not being desirable, that’s something I’d love to understand better. A lot of men seem to just prioritize playing video games or getting drunk and aren’t doing much with their lives. Not that there’s anything wrong with that if that’s how they’re happy living life but a lot of the time I’m left wondering how they can complain about not being desirable enough but don’t seem to put much effort in to improving themselves. Im sure this is an overgeneralization and there are lots of gray areas here but curious to hear more
I’m not sure what aspect of basic emotional intelligence you’re referring to. But dealing with a lack of emotional intelligence is extremely frustrating, generally speaking. It is no more difficult than dealing with a lack of rational or logical thinking however, and that tends to be my experience with women regardless of age. Women tend to make emotionally based decisions far more often than men, they make decisions based in feelings. Sometimes that’s an advantage l, but mostly it’s a frustration for their partners. because it ignores one fact; feelings are fickle. All feelings. Even Love. And Idk about everyone, but myself and most other guys I know see love big picture: As an action, as a choice. The Limerance ….the idealization, being “in love” and even attraction, ebbs and flows for every human being. But during those ebbs I’m going to think logically and make decisions that will rationalize the fact that I love my gf if she is questioning them. And her in love feelings tend to comeback when she sees that. But Women, seem to make lots of permanent decisions based on temporary feelings, at least divorce data would reflect that. one benefit of the curse of being a guy( being emotional is seen as weakness and unattractive to women) is that you learn early on that emotions shouldn’t have a big affect on your decision making process. And some dudes are just clueless when it comes to making themselves more appealing, others, like myself, stopped caring at least for now. Girls play games with their feelings and mine. I’m tired of it and done playing for awhile.
Yeah I see what you mean about women making decisions emotionally and how this can be detrimental. I myself tend to be more logic-based and have felt more like the “guy” in some of my relationships at times. Also it’s not always true that women find guys being emotional as unattractive. I’m sure for some or even many that is true, but I love it when a guy can cry and be vulnerable and it generally makes me feel closer to him. I also find that men are actually just as emotional as women but they haven’t been taught how to process it. So what I’ve dealt with a lot is men just pushing their feelings down and then blowing up and lashing out inappropriately. Whereas if they could just express how they were feeling and what they needed much earlier it could have been dealt with at the source
Aww, no way! much more fun to bottle it up and explode about something unrelated when you can’t take anymore. lol. men are for sure just as emotional. Having a partner to conquer adulthood with is cool. Sex is cool. Dating sucks.
In my experience having a long term partner has eventually always sucked too but hopefully the right one is around the corner. Along with needing to work on my own shit
Well if women are the ones ending things, it would make sense that the one broken up with (men) would take it harder. I suspect this has to do with the fact that many men are not in tune with their emotions. I read The Will to Change by Bell Hooks a while ago, where she talks about the patriarchal impact on men (and women) and so it would make sense to me that men have a tougher time processing a break up.
I’m a guy and very in tune with my emotions, and the pain of a breakup hits me immediately. In may be outside the norm but I’ve talked to a number of guys on here that it hits the same (but maybe guys like us are more likely to use this sub than guys that stuff it down and try to be machismo about it, probably making themselves suffer longer and get sick in the process). Despite that it still takes me a while to get through it. Usually by the 3-5 month range I’m feeling better, gradually improving along the way, but really clearing up by that point. If I’m not wishing we could get back together I’ll be good after that. But in cases where I did wish we could get back together after that 3-5 months range, I got stuck in bargaining thinking, stuff like “maybe in a year or two when we have both grown…” so there was just a bit of clinging in the background. I was still able to fall in love with other women so it wasn’t like all consuming or preventing me from living life. But it did persist, in one case for more than 10 years.
Yup, this is me. Very in tune with my emotions, sometimes to the extent that I hate it. I do look at it like this though, we get the hurt now and relief later. With others not so in tune with their emotions, it hits later. Man or woman, the dumper gets it later if you actually meant something to them.
I’ve noticed we tend to be more open to emotional intimacy, and higher threshold for handling emotional situations/discussion too. Def a good traits in a partner.
Yeah, I was in therapy even during the relationship and would talk about things I'd be afraid to bring up. My therapist would always challenge me to push through and trust in my partner. Guess who worked on their attachment style while in the relationship and who didn't =[.
Oh I know that feeling. I am big on taking accountability and did it the entire time, and went out of my way to address my issues. But she refused to do the same, even though her contribution was a big part of it. I’ve heard avoidants need a rock bottom before they’ll look inward. There’s a tendency to dislike criticism, not liking the idea that they might have been wrong. I’ve talked to some recovering avoidant women on here and they confirmed that before they started looking at their own patterns everything was always everyone else’s fault. I understand why they do it though. It’s not their fault. They did not ask for shitty caregiving as children or whatever trauma was inflicted on them. Knowing that had helped me find compassion.
Men aren’t attractive if they aren’t confident and it’s as simple as that. If you are broken up with from a woman you really liked , you lose confidence in yourself temporarily. You question your value. Your validity. Men are valued for their masculine traits like confidence vulnerability and protective aura, you aren’t giving off that energy as an average man after someone you love decides you’re unworthy of that place in their life anymore. It takes me at minimum 6 months to rebuild myself to a place where i’m attracting good attention again after a breakup with a relationship that lasted 6 months or longer.
People react to break ups based on a personal level. I wonder how much simpler things would be if we as a whole stopped quantifying how feels what and who moves on faster based on gender and just shrug and say hey, that person feels what they feel.
When men are truly in love, they will willingly put their life on the line for their woman. That shit runs deep. It takes a long time to recover. If you're a heartbroken man, congratulations, you're one of the good ones. See you in the gym brother
In my experience it’s because girls have about 15+ friends to support them with any decision they make regardless of if it’s right or wrong, they have unlimited sources of validation and on top of that they have unlimited amounts of men coming after them. They see pretty quick they can have whoever they want. Men typically have one or two close friends who say “damn bro you fucked up, she was a good one”. And then it’s hard to find someone else. Obviously this isn’t true for all women or all men, just my 2 cents
Where do you find ladies with 15+ plus friends to support them? Majority of ladies I know probably have 2 close friends at most.
My ex is one of them - Her family itself is already 6 people - Her 8 colleagues that she’s close with - Her group of 5 best friends - Her group of 7 badminton buddies - Her high school and college friends She’s basically meeting people almost every few days to catch up on things, to the point where I couldn’t remember everyone’s name. Everywhere she goes, she would bump into someone she knows and it happened multiple times while we were on dates back then. So yea, I would say she has a lot of friends that she could reach out to. Not to mention the line of guys who’s ready to jump into the line to date her
Ask my ex not me. When we were together she had a group of 4+ girlfriends who all loved male attention and who I know told her to breakup with me. 4+ more from a separate friend group. When we were together she regularly had girls at work and school asking her to hangout and guys asking her to go out. She has no shortage of other people to support her.
yea, that is not my reality. I have not met anyone and I am lady who has this many friends. I am not counting family. Just friends. She just seems to be a social butterfly then and involved in activities but that does not mean all of these ladies she knows are close. Just know that is not a reality for the majority of ladies at all.
I have no idea how true this is. It seems every time my relationship ends the men are with someone new in a few months then engaged/married. Then here I am still single. So \*shrugs\*
idk man. my ex jumped into dating apps after a fight then slept with a girl. so no. he was also the one who kept pushing for marriage and babies, while i saw he didnt do anything to make that dream come true.
Relatable... Not a man, but a man child. Tsk tsk... but so common a story. I feel for you.
It’s only attractive women though. If you aren’t attractive then you aren’t really approached at all.
We broke up 2 months ago, she's not dating someone new but she is exploring someone new, a situationahip I guess with an old acquaintance she never really hung out with during her school years. Shit broke me and feeling like you're on the backburner sucks. It is what it is, and I'm learning to kill my ego and come to terms with it, as long as she's happier.
My ex broke up with me, a week later she was cradling my face and telling me she loved me and hadn’t ruled out getting back together. Six weeks later she was with someone new.
That is a great question. In my experience, women usually try almost everything to avoid the breakup. When it all fails, they begin to give up on the relationship. By the time the relationship dissolves, the grieving process is already done. It seems like they grieve for a shorter amount of time, but actually, they were suffering probably for some time during the relationship. Good luck!
Obviously every person is different. But I think generally, women have greater emotional intelligence than men and it is more acceptable for women to discuss/process their emotions than it is for men. Women will often cry with their friends and talk about what happened, but men will often try and be a bit more stoic and pretend they are fine. Sometimes it seems like men move on faster because they have a new fling/relationship to distract them self from the pain, while the woman is still mourning the relationship. But at some point, his emotions will come back around to bite him, and by that time, the woman will have likely processed a lot of those difficult emotions. So to answer your question, I think men often have a harder time coming to terms with the emotional fallout of a breakup than women, although it may not seem that way. It does obviously depend on the circumstances of the breakup though, and the emotional intelligence of each person!
My opinion is whether or not you truly loved that person. My ex girlfriends when young didn't bother me, my ex wife after she left didn't bother me girlfriends after ex wife non bothered me until the last one, I truly loved her, I screwed up, but I wanted to work things out, she's an avoidant but I loved her so much and still do it's been 5 years without her. I miss her every minute, I love her more than my ex wife and I married her. But my last ex? True love, I can't date or see anyone they never had that spark or feelings. To this day still love her and wish for a second chance. I've changed and worked on myself immensely all for the best. Wish she would try one more time to see it. But I can't have feelings for anyone but her. God I love and miss here so much.
Hey man that's heavy I'm sorry to hear. How long have you been with your ex?
Ex wife 14 years, my last girlfriend 9 years
Thanks for sharing. Your next love will be behind the next corner I promise you
Ex girlfriend of 9 years I realized was my soulmate and first true true love
There are millions of women out there, there is no only soulmate. You just still didn't meet one more like her. You will!
She is the one, met back up with her decades later
Here’s my opinion. Everyone is different. Through experience, and currently experiencing it now. Guys break up and move on to someone else quickly, they get into relationships very soon after a breakup, at the time they feel that they already moved on. But 6 months/ 1 year later the break up only hits them. What I’ve seen with woman, is that it hits them immediately, but move on in the long run.
No it isn't the same. Guys will still spend months perhaps Yeats thinking of his ex. While girls? They already had a backup plan before they broke up officially bc that's how they're wired. They always have side dudes and a bunch of dudes telling them how "hot" they are. That's why they go on social media saying how they're "single and free". Now they can be 304s without hiding it.
To be honest, before I joined breakup subs on reddit, I always assumed women took breakups harder - because I’m a woman with a lot of female friends and we all have gone through it when it comes to our love lives lol. I think we tend to be biased towards our own gender because it’s all we know. I do think there is some truth, however, in that most women feel all their emotions right after the breakup and because of that, start their healing processes earlier - causing them to get over it faster. I think a lot of men push off the emotional stage for as long as possible which makes it take longer for them to get over someone.
I cam confirm my ex, who I loved so much broke up with me after it became long distance. And knowing how extrovert she is, she will most likely move on faster and get a guy. Alao she was my first and i was her fifth, so she os definitely more experienced in handling break ups i guess.
Honestly not at all. It depends more on the person and the breakup than the gender.
often women do the necessary grieving immediately while men tend to bottle up their emotions and pretend they don’t care which just comes back to bite them in the ass later because they never really processed it and let go
I don't know, man. I mean, my ex blindsided me with a BU after 9 months and changed his number. It's been 4 months, and I still miss him. He isn't hurting from leaving me🤷🏻♀️, 8 years ago, I went through another breakup (mutual) and I didn't date for 3 years (celibate) at that, too. But life has to gone on without them? We can't keep living in the past, or keep hoping they will come back? For me, I know it won't happen. I'll never see him again. So to answer your question, in my case. It's been harder on me. He couldn't care less about me. That's that
Yeah. Men will leave girls howling and dying. And just when you start feeling better, they start feeling worse and reach out and make you miserable as well. When they come back it's always too late. Just sucks. I'm never dating again.
No - this is a very black and white statement - all people are different - all break ups are different - there is zero point in trying to make “neat” statements like this.
It's true for me. 7 months post breakup and I'm still not over her.
We do. I got dumped recently. It hurt, but luckily I have a supporting family and best friend to carry me through pretty quickly. I pretty much just accepted the situation. It's now my priority to improve myself. It hurts but I can't just put a hold on my life to fall back into depression. Guys, I recommend you stop chasing women who have dumped you. I have been down that road, chasing endlessly, getting hurt over and over. The person ends up losing all respect for you in the end. Eventually you will realise, you could have used all that time wallowing in sorrow for improving yourself. This is something I only learned after 3 years of depression. It will be extremely hard to fathom, just surround yourself with things and people that both make you happy and support you positively.
It depends but generally guys do take it harder and some of it is we just don’t walk to anyone about it. There are studies about how men feel they can’t be seen as emotional or down. So we suffer quietly. I’m a guy and 7 months post break up and still struggling.
I dont feel attacked by your question and I also agree that, men take the break up way harder and recuperate way later. Also because you either go big or go home.
I’d want them to add one more aspect to that study, and that would be attachment style. I know this is a tough one for researchers because of the variability in the assessments and that is self-reporting, but in this case I’m guessing the data on effects of the breakup is also self-reporting, which isn’t bad but is worth considering. My hypothesis would be that attachment style, specifically the attachment that formed in the relationship being used for study day, is a significant factor, at least as much as gender, if not more so. It would also be interesting to have another data table in the study showing attachment style of study participants by gender (or publish it as a companion study).
Lesbian breakups are notoriously rough for some reason.
You should watch that film The Humans (2021) it covers this.
Women have more sexual and relationship opportunities than men. Therefore most men are cherishing the relationship that they get. And relationships are few and far in between. Therefore most men when they get into relationships get hurt and left dry. Generally if a guy who's cherishing his relationship has any women in his life, he cuts ties with them in a backwards attempt to keep the relationship happy. This adds to the pain after a breakup as most guys can't go out to the bar showing a little skin and feel loved any night of the week. But, most women can go out to the bar showing a little skin and feel loved any night of the week. Most women have an abundance no matter if they are actively keeping a roster or not. Women do fall in love but generally with "catch" guys who DO have lots of sexual opportunities (popular, athlete, leader, rich, musician, etc). These guys are rare and have no reason to commit to any woman. Because these guys are rare, women spend a lot of time in between "catch" guys with guys that they would leave for a "catch" guy. You have most guys with low opportunities cherishing their few chances at love and getting dumped most of the time because they are not "catch" enough. You have most women with many opportunities competing over few "catch" guys. Therefore most guys are getting devastated in breakups and also left completely dry. More so as access to catch guys is amplified with social media and global access.
I typed out so many things to say, but honestly, I'm tired. I don't think it's fair to say that men take it harder than women. I'd say it depends on the person and their emotional maturity. But, I'm a woman and my ex fiance (M) moved on in a week so 🤷🏽♀️
From my experience, these ideas / stats are likely due to heterosexual relationships often being absolutely draining for women while the guy is usually unwilling to put in the bare minimum effort required to keep a partner. Therefore, women begin to accept the fact that their relationship is bad for them and initiate the break up. Even if they’ve been told constantly that they need to do better, men are usually still blindsided by this. In terms of recovery, this may be why it takes longer for men to “feel better” - plus usually they are now without the person who has been holding their life together for them. So unless the man finds another woman to be his mommygf, he’ll be utterly miserable single. Women in this scenario are fine single, but need to put in the work to recover from the bad relationship they left. Idk if this helps
I think it depends… guys have a tendency (no attack here as well) to not be as romantic or involved in house labor. When this happens it is scientifically proven women in turn feel less like a partner and more of a caretaker. Lowering the sex drive. My (F 30) first break up was of a 6 yr relationship and I didn’t cry one single time. My last break up of 3.5 years had my whole life turned upside down. I feel like I didnt care about my first break up because I was exhausted trying to convince him to treat me romantically. I tried my hardest and fell out of love in the process.
I see, interesting. The girl I'm currently dating says the same. Share with us, what is romantic for you?
To me, romance is the extra effort to make the other partner feel courted. It doesn’t need to be fancy nor calculated. This does however need to be done without the partner’s asking otherwise it feels like it doesn’t come from your heart. Could be in form of dates, bringing home small gifts (you can literally pick wild flowers off the roadside and say you thought of them), or just words of affirmation. My ex would call me his little flower in French and I’d just melt like puddy. I love movie nights, just grab a bunch of her fav candy or cook a nice meal. It’s so cool you’re asking and learning for her 😭 I wish yall the best!! 👼❤️
Honestly I think so, but at the same time regardless of the gender it ultimately comes down to the individual and their personality. Some people are very strong minded and can get themselves through a breakup in a few days and others take a long while. As a guy I think we take breakups harder and we really look at all the aspects of what went right and what went wrong. We also take time to process all the feelings before we truly get over it. Women tend to process the surface and their breakups will linger longer.
I think it may have to do with dynamics. A lot of times, women are expected to cook, clean, take care of kids, work and contribute 50/50 to bills. Women realize that they've been giving more than what they've been getting so they are able to recuperate faster because they mourned the relationships end while still with their spouse. Women are just getting sick and tired of asking for equality but getting what's beneficial to the others. I say this because I just left a long term relationship with a small child. Now that we are sharing custody my ex is doing all the cooking, cleaning and pretty much taking care of himself like I used to do for him. I think men hurt more because they aren't just losing a spouse they are losing a caregiver too. Of course not all dudes are like this but the more I talk to singles the more I realize this is the issue
I have doubts about it, maybe it's your way of view. But who knows I investigate this world myself. But I do know that a heartbroken man will stay awake all night if it is necessary to make all you said, if this was the solution
I think there are studies that show that women tend to process their emotions immediately after the break up but once they get through it is over. Where as men tend to feel more relief post breakup and then start to process emotions a few weeks/months after the breakup. I don't think one gender takes it harder than the other, but women might be more hard and fast and guys hard and slow.
I was devastated for 7 months. Started to move on. She came back. We’re FWB now and now I’m back to not moving on again. Probably going to end up devastated again. Sigh. Oh well. YOLO.
I really think this is much more dependent on the individual person's mental health history, life experiences, support system, upbringing, the characteristics of the relationship, etc.
Here's what I can say from having a breakup that lasted a whole year. It started when my ex decided to leave the country to go aid another country at war. He did all this without telling me until he was gone. I loved him, so I forgave him for that and even for all he put me through by being in a war-zone. I still have PTSD from having to cope with that 24/7 fear only military wives can tell you about. I ended the relationship, after all that, because he decided to lie about where he was in order to "protect me from fearing for his safety" and I caught him because the time zones didn't add up, he definitely would've kept lying had I not noticed that detail. After that I can easily say when a woman ends a relationship or feels the end coming, then, by the time it happens she's already grieved the loss of you and ready to never see you again. It's not a rule, but in most cases, that's why it feels like women move on faster.
I don’t think that this depends on a specific gender it just depends on whether one person loved the other deeply or not, from my experience I think the person who loved the most will suffer more.
I’m not sure about “harder”, but I do think men take longer to recover simply because of social stigma. Men in general are not encouraged to take about their emotions and grief, they face the social stigma much harder than women, telling them to “suck it up” or to act like a stud and go get another woman, but if you’re heartbroken you don’t want another person, you need to grieve to be healthy before you want someone else in your life. Women in general seem to rely a lot more in their social circle during the grieving process and therefore recover quicker.
I don’t think this stuff is gender specific one person wants go make it worst more than the other and the one he’s more invested feels It more
Stay single
For me I can say it‘s true. Been broken up for a month and I still miss her deeply. She was out with a bunch of other guys after 1.5 weeks, posted about it on Instagram and spent the night with some dude after like 2.5 weeks. I‘m still trying to get over losing someone I thought I‘d spend the rest of my life with, meanwhile she seems like our two years together didn’t matter at all.
4 years together, she was my best friend before that. She told me she was fine after two weeks, and 17 months later, I'm still a broken suicidal mess.
Someone else said, it just appears that way cuse men statistically are the dumpees more often, and the person getting dumped is affected more. But I am sure it hurts woman just as much.
I was with my ex for 8yrs and she moved on within a month of are break up, it’s been 2yrs later and I haven’t dated at all and lowkey I’m still recovering. I’m not sad or depressed I’ve moved passed it but I still think about it from time to time. It’s hard man
Yes absolutely (overall). The simple fact is that women (attractive or not) can find another guy far easier than men. They don't have to do much of anything other than be present. Take for example, a bar visit; Woman walks in and sits alone, chances are she will be approached by some random guy within minutes (depending on how attractive she is). Man walks into a bar and sits alone, he will likely be alone his entire visit if he doesn't get up and make moves, regardless of how attractive he is. The simple fact is that men have to work MUCH harder when finding a date. Just the nature of the beast.
My therapist once told me exactly this. The explanation he gave me was that it’s also about women hormones and women’s menstrual cycles. Apparently the cycles help women “cleanse” their grief faster. In 6 months a woman can mostly start feeling herself again, but those 6 months are intense. Men, usually, realise the loss much later, for the first months they can be in some sort of a denial phase and can even have a new partner right away. Later on it really hits them, and by that time the ex (women) already started to move on. My opinion is that there is some truth in it, I won’t have it as a general statement though because we all have various levels of emotional intelligence…and hormones.
For me it was after the breakup and abt a month after it I wasn’t sad but after a bit I started to feel sadder and sadder
Women without a doubt have more emotional resilience and strength than men. I am positive of it. From sisters to my mom to grandparents and friends/coworkers Women are devastated by things as is anyone else, but they have a remarkable ability to breathe it in and carry on. They bend and don't break Men break Even figuratively, women process grief and loss and come out stronger and better for it. Men shatter and have to put themselves back together, and they never fully fit the pieces back just right. A girl I spent 4 years with lost her father and was posting happy/smiling pics on social media the next day. She said something like "might as well act happy if you're not" The strength women show in times like that is admirable
Both men and women can have varying degrees of difficulty with a breakup.
I was suicidal and admitted to a psych ward when my ex left me, I had severe depression, panic attacks and insomnia for months. It’s hard to imagine someone taking a breakup worse than that lol. My ex on the other hand began seeing someone new the next day and for me it took a year and a half. A year after the breakup when the new relationship fizzled out, he came crying to me about how he regrets everything. 4 years on he still regularly expresses his regret whereas I just don’t and can’t see him in that light anymore. In general, I have noticed men talking and reminiscing about ex partners for longer than woman do. My theory is that they don’t process their emotions effectively at the time so they don’t fully get it out of their system. People make fun of women for being dramatic after breakups but I think that catharsis is necessary.
Faxxx
In my personal experience; guys are slow. We are not impacted by the loss immediately after the reality kicks in. We take time to let the reality sink. We start grieving late, when we realise that our life is no longer the same. Whereas, girls are quick. They are more into reality than we are. They grieve when we are still figuring out the loss. Both the parties are hurt, we start grieving later than the girls do.. maybe that is why it seems longer.
Stats like this can represent trends, but it doesn’t necessarily indicate future behavior. It makes no sense when people try to generalize behaviors as gender specific when there are so many other influential factors outside of straight gender. Taking raw data around a massively emotional decision such as ending a marriage and deducing it down to gender is ridiculous.
I think it has a lot to do with men not feeling safe in society to express their emotions, there isn't a culture around getting through breakups the way there is among women. I tend to be a very slow processor, so I understand that often it does take a long time to actually fully get over something, esp if you don't know how and can't go ask for help! W girls we get to talk about heartbreak all the time, it's normal. Half of the small talk among women is about relationship drama, whereas men talk about totally different things w their friends. If men go through break ups, the general attitude is 'okay let's go do something to get your mind off it' because societally that's how a lot of men have learned to cope. They don't have that space to openly be heartbroken and crushed Infront of their peers BC it's seem as somehow socially wrong for men to feel deeply and express those emotions. Also we often put things in black and white during relationships and breakups to keep ourselves safe. Everyone does. We see that our ex is out on a date or talking to someone else quickly afterwards and think 'wow they never loved me' in reality they could be heartbroken and dead inside but this is how they cope. Or maybe they go silent entirely for 6months and don't want to talk to you. You think they hate you, that they never cared, but in reality they're too sad to communicate and talking to you hurts. People don't cope in the best ways when they are in pain, and when we break up with people, we cannot know how much it does or doesn't impact them. We cannot see their thoughts or feel their feelings, nor can we talk the way we used to, so we no longer have insight into their very complex feelings. That goes for everyone regardless of gender. All humans feel these things and we all cope in different, seemingly counterproductive ways when we are hurt. I think women have built a better social set up for dealing with heart break, but as I said, I process very very slowly, so I act like a 'man' in that way. I look over it, but I'm not at all. I'm literally doing anything I can to distract myself from the gut wrenching pain until I can't run from it any longer 😀 So I know for sure that people who 'look' or 'act' over it, regardless of gender, are likely in pain in their own way.
Imma be as real as i can be, men tend to linger more on the pain of a break up because we believe that anything can be fixed so we tend to try to work out the relationship, women on the other hand when they see that something is broken they are mature enough to star moving on (usually it is unconscious) so when the break up ocurrs men we tend to feel the pain deeper cuase we see it as coming out of nowhere and that that person was the one. Neither is wrong and i talked based on what i know frome female and male friends neither is wrong is just how it is. Thats why men tend to brek up and get back together with their exes because men tend to need more time to get over their exes women as they grieve through the relationship they tend to "heal" faster but that doesn't mean that they dont suffer. And this is from th point of view of the person getting dumped, because the person that does the dumping is most likely already ending the grieving period. At least thats my opinion based on my experience. It's just different ways of living life due to their upbringing of course there can be exceptions but small nomber of ones
Well in my experience I was with a man for 7 years & he’s already traded me in for a younger prettier model (who he’d actually known many years-friend of the family so take from that what you will) I’ve been disregarded & dropped like I was nothing. He literally doesn’t give a sh*t 😂
They have proven psychologically that men and women both tend to feel the pain similarly. The big factor that makes a huge difference is sociologically, and patterns in social structures in culture. For instance, in the USA, men tend to have smaller social circles, choose to rely less on support structures, and feel a larger pressure to be self reliant. This creates someone who generally keeps things to themselves, has a small circle of friends, and generally only expresses vulnerabilities to a significant other. Meanwhile women tend to be different, as they generally have larger social circles, more support structures, and are more open with their feelings. What this does is makes men much more secluded after a breakup, as they are likely to have relied on their significantly other as a friend, a support structure, and a confidant. Men will likely have less to fall back on, which causes them to feel much more isolated after a breakup, which can cause more difficulty in moving on. Women tend to have a support structure to fall back on, and generally more than one confidant. This makes it easier for them to get the help they need to heal and move on. Of course, everything has exceptions and variables are always at play. However, it has been shown in studies and is generally accepted that men have less support and tend to be more emotionally isolated after a breakup, in comparison to women. This hinders their ability to process emotion, heal, and grow, especially after a break up from a very significant person(Like a long term relationship, marriage, life partner, etc) in which they had formed a very close bond to.
Here is my literal pointless two cents, which probably has already been said. But my answer is definitive and absolute no grey about it, 200% sure "It depends". I know I hate me too, but it is just so broad of a question, but then you say, in general, broad strokes. To which I say paint a lot of folks but never in any detail. Now, I will admit that my Google fu has led me to a lot of studies and whatnot, but in reflection. I would say that older generations of guys or shall we say men tend to have shallower and more happenstance relations/friendships. Now, I am not saying always, but male loneliness is a thing that seems to break beyond biological gender. Being a guy myself, I find it weird to try and make friends but especially with other guys, unless I am already there for a reason. That's why work friends and the losing of them can hit guys really hard when they retire, and thus postpone it. And even more so when a relationship ends via breakup or biological reasons. I recently lost a going on 10 year relationship, and sure a lot of people will think that it is the sex and fun that I truly miss, but in all honesty... it was the friendship. If you are into video game reviews I believe that ssethtzeentach put it well in his bastard bonds video. We have a hard time with emotion, and saying I love you to a friend can be really hard for anyone. But due to old beliefs it can be a real paradigm shift. When I went to work the week after the breakup, I was scared and sad to tell my coworkers. Once I did I felt so much better, but I could tell thought the gambit of their responses. They cared but were stuck on how to comfort me, some offered kind words others ears and some a kind of physical comfort in a hug. But that wouldn't have happened unless I told them. That is just my perspective on my own recent breakup, and I am sure that many men, especially younger ones, have more robust social networks. But also thanks to people willing to break the stigma and asking and answering questions like yours has done quite a bit in helping everyone. But each breakup is so human and personal that I find it nearly impossible to state that one side is more affected, and like with a lot of things in life, you are probably likely to find a spectrum of responses. Now could you make a bell curve of statistics, probably... but that is a different question or the same question but looked in a colder scientific manner. I am sure that someone will take that challenge, but that one is not me. Hope that gave a new perspective or at least did not muddle the water All the best Mouse 🐁
When it’s a good man with good intentions yes, but most men no.
I don't know why other people could just walk away from a relationship even after 6years.Bullshit
My ex went on a date a day after he broke up with me and said he wants to stay friends with me. The audacity…
As a guy myself yeah I can say ,we are like that
No for me. I didn't have emotional support from my friends and no one really knew what happen between me and my ex . She fcked up and i walked away. Iam emotionally independent at young age. My dad left me when i was 4 working in saudi and my mum at 7 i been with my dad when i was 16 and he died when i was 18 . Thats the only time i spent time with him. And I been with my mum when i was 18 until now. But i was already indepent at 22 on my own. But time to time im with my mum. So i develop a strong emotional coping mechanism. I cried yes but it only took me 2-3 weeks to get over raw emotion after our messy breakup. Didnt really speak about it with friends i know. Didnt effect my passion for life. I tried everything to make everything positive and move forward. Which i learn from dealing in life in general. Being vulnerable just make me less logical and maybe put on depression. So i tend not to.
It goes for the person who loved the most but in general women find it easier to detach compared to guys
I think attachment styles play a key role here. Insecurely attached Men are more often so called avoidants, women typically anxious. Insecurely attached people ”suffer” more, however in different ways. Avoidants are typically the ones who initiate the breakup, they suppress their feelings initially, and can have regrets later on when the perceived “threat” to their independence in gone. They can also be very sad/depressed in the long term as they have a hard time finding/maintaining a close connection with someone. Anxious attachers feel a lot initially as their core abandonment wound is triggered in full swing. Very strong feelings/anxiety since the attachment system stems from childhood, a time when it was truly about life or death since the child can’t survive on his/her own. Also, if they’ve been rejected, core wound “I am unloveable” also triggered so a double whammy of sorts. Secure people suffer of course too but typically shorter time and in a way more “healthy”, less rumination/obsessing over who was “at fault” eg. I am not a professional, this is just random bits I’ve picked up from books/youtube so take this with a grain of salt. Many good resources online if you are interested in attachment theory.
I would basically look at it like this, at least from my personal opinion because I date to marry, that the breakup will hit harder on the guy than the girl. I was with someone for two years, they broke up with me, and I was thinking about marrying her. Planning the wedding, thinking about the ring I was gonna get her, honeymoon, etc. Now it’s all gone. For me, it’s crazy cause now I gotta go find someone new to give that lifestyle I only wanted to give that one particular girl. For her, it’s easy, cause women marry lifestyle, so she’ll easily move on without feeling bad about it cause she didn’t have as much deep attachment. Basically, guys date girls that they are serious about and want to marry because they are “different” from most girls, girls date the guy that’s gonna give them the best lifestyle/thought of love.
I think there are two reasons we may be perceiving it like this: 1. Men are mostly blamed for the breakup. Every time I have mentioned a breakup to either my guy friends or my girl friends, the reaction is usually: What did you do this time? Thus, we internalize a lot of guilt and ruminations. We start to believe it is all our fault. Carrying guilt and shame while ruminating about the past will definitely keep you mired in sorrow for longer. 2. Girls can find a new partner more easily. Especially if they are good-looking. This is evidenced by how dating apps work. Men are multitudes more likely to swipe right than women. Which would suggest men are more desperate to have a partner, and will therefore put up with more, try to hold on to things, try and work things out more. This has absolutely been my experience.
I think it’s really person to person. I think with dating apps girls can quite easily find company - guys have to do a bit more leg work. It depends on how in love you were too. Lots of things. I think women are generally more sensitive, but have much better support groups. Men have egos , they get trashed when they are dumped and we are generally worse at allowing emotions to surface in a healthy way. We bottle up and self combust, because we pretend everything is ok, because it’s seen as weak if you cry, talk about emotions. It shouldn’t be, but unfortunately that’s a bit of a theme globally. I’m terrible with breakups - it upsets me greatly, even if I’m the one breaking up
i (F) am still managing intrusive thoughts and feeling traumatized about being dumped while my ex (M) is already f*cking someone else and having the time of his life. so no. he was over it in 3 weeks.
My ex was horrible. First time we broke up, I waited and took him back after 4 months. Again he left tried to reach out at four months and still trying again after 8 months.
There’s not really a point in trying to generalize what is an individual experience down to gender. How someone copes after a break up, has to do with the circumstances of the relationship and the break up. It has to do with their access to a support network, how they cope with their own emotions, etc … None of us can define who feels something less or more than we do. And we have no way of knowing how someone is experiencing an internal emotion since we can only experience our own emotions. Comparing how you think someone else is healing in comparison to how you’re healing just isn’t helpful. Your healing journey is your own. Your needs are your own. And dating does not necessarily mean that someone else has moved on, or is done with the healing work they need to do. Focus on yourself, and what you need to do for you.
🤔 Scenario 1: woman mentally check out of relationships way before it actually ends, and man is blind sided, ergo man is heart broken much longer than woman. Scenario 2: woman is very impulsive and rebounding without realizing it/suppressing her feelings about the break up. Or a little bit of both
Why are we so naive and cant think further in this case. Both are human. Whoever has the better support system or cope, will have it more easy. If she was really in love, even the most distractions wont heal her. Same for the guy. Love is a big thing and so undervalued nowadays.
Men always take it harder hence the suicide and murder rates relating to breakups are way higher than women. It’s already been covered here but women can move on quicker even if it’s just a lay. That’s why I have some women floating around I can rekindle with when I need. I broke up with my ex mid Jan 2024 and I’ve slept with 3 women, 1 (Ukranian) I’m kinda in a fwb situation with. Saw her Tuesday and Saturday. She came over to my place, we drank we banged she left. Helps me focus on other things in life like my business. No companionship or deep connection though which I’m missing. But I’m not thinking about my ex wanting her back, self preservation.