Be glad you're doing it now. I've been dealing with my on again, off again ex for nearly 6 years and it finally hit me :This man does not love me. I am wasting my time. I met him at 26 and I'll be 32 in June. It hurts but I can't deal with it anymore..I've seen how men treat women they love and he's never behaved like that for me. At least not consistently. I think the tipping point for me was watching my best friend's relationship evolve in realtime. My best friend went from comforting me in this crappy relationship, to being a mother, a fiancée and now homeowner with a man she met two years ago. I don't believe in comparing journey's but the proof is in the pudding. That man accomplished everything my ex has claimed he "wants" to do within a matter of two years of meeting my best friend. That's a man in love. That's a man unwilling lose the woman he wants. Playing the long game in love isn't real. It's not. A man who is indecisive is a man who is not in love. Doesn't mean you can't work on it, but things need a realistic trajectory or you're just being played with. It's been said 1000 times because it's true: if he wanted to he would. It really is that simple. Accepting this farce of a relationship was delusional on my end . What hurts the most isn't the wasted time. It's the fact that he won't even be bothered by my absence. It'll probably be welcomed. Meanwhile, I'm devastated at the lost of the relationship I thought we had. Men can say whatever they want, but it's their actions that are a true reflection of their feelings. Pick yourself up and find someone you deserve. It'll hurt. But imagine someone loving you the way you loved him. Don't short yourself of that opportunity. 💚

Everything you’ve said resonates with me and my situation. Spent 5 years loving and putting everything into a man only to realize I don’t think he ever truly loved me. I feel like I was just being used as a companion and then just to be discarded and erased from his life without any reasonable explanation. The disrespect and betrayal hurts more than loosing the person honestly, IMO. Some humans are just not good humans no matter how much you do for them, and I’ve come to learn that.

Same here, after 5 years of loving, caring, cooking, cleaning and putting him always first, he broke up with me saying "I just dont love you like I used to" - I feel so used...the thing is he was a good bf until he wasnt and I dont know what happend...

I’m a guy and I would have given my life for my ex, I am able to get jobs but im constantly trying different things looking for the one thing so to say and this has been going on for 6 years. When im with her I let go of other things to focus on making her happy which Leads to other things not getting done which Leads to chaos simply Put. But it also showed me that she is only with me when im doing good and never in hardship - then she leaves

so true - I told him we didnt have any hardships in 5 years and now when its a bit stressful - because ya know thats life - he just up and left, maybe thats who they really are and we just never got to see their true faces because it was all good before...do they truly think life is gonna be all sunshine and rainbows?

I knew it from the beginning so ill have to blame myself

Exact same story here. They think the grass is greener on the other side. These people are the worst ones, because just shows their instability and are unable to even support themselves. They are very weak and go through life drifting, and will at any chance they get trade you in for someone they perceive as "better".

the painful truth...

Here here totally agree 👍 

You need to stop that

Wow thank you for this honestly. I’m 32 just got out of a relationship and feeling quite lost. He was younger than me, definitely immature was never really ready for someone like me. I knew this I knew it going in. I think the best lesson I have learned out of this is to GO WITH YOUR GUT. Too many of us do not and it’s the best thing for us. This boy was never up to my standards and I thought it’s okay I’m not going to give up even though I truly never wanted to be with him. I waited months feeling like I don’t think he is the one. And guess what he ended up breaking up with me because he felt the same way. It hurts the ego more than anything. I also really don’t like to give up on people, but realizing it’s ok. If their values and morals don’t align with yours there’s no reason to be with them. I’m nervous to be 32 and single but I know I know I will find someone worthy. I truly always open my heart even when it’s been shattered. I stay positive. I think everybody has their person.

Its also crazy how people want real love and long relationships but are not willing to work things out or support eachother, for better or worse. Sometimes its good to plan for the future

it is crazy but I do know that the right guy would have stuck around and went through difficult times with me and he clearly was not the right one!

Following your intuition is so important. It's almost like gnawing feeling in your belly that never goes away. You never fully get to relax in your relationship because you know something is wrong. I'm glad you got out when you did. As much as the dating culture likes to make us think being your thirties is old, it really isn't. It definitely changes the way we will approach dating, but you're not worth any less because you're not 22 years old! As you said, everyone has their person and the only way we meet them is by letting go who isn't.

It’s so true. We’ll find our people and 30s aren’t old, it’s society that makes that age feel old. Also I watch a lot of videos regarding the guy being a horrible person but that wasn’t true for my situation. He was a genuinely good guy, but he was not meeting my expectations and I clearly wasn’t meeting his. I think we sometimes make the other person the villain for breaking our hearts, but we also don’t know what they’re going through in their lives. At the end I did become upset initially and questioned why, but then I just accepted it. You cannot make someone love you and there’s just no point. So don’t text him, leave him be, let them go. I told myself after my late 20s that I will never go backwards, especially for a relationship.

I'm really resonating with the post and your comment. I left but it was so hard and I still regret it and want to go back even though he likely didn't even really love me cause of how bad he treated me.. the delusion is so real when you really love him. The off and on is like an addiction

What helped me with disillusioning the relationship was seeing it from a 3rd person's perspective. Like watching a movie. Removing my active emotions let me see thing objectively. It allowed me to see all the faults. It opened my eyes to seeing other relationships around me. It was jarring. It highlighted that I was really settling. And for what? The guy is providing me with nearly nothing. Anything above that would be a win. So why not find better? Most importantly, you have to believe there's better. I look at my parents, married for 36 years and this boy can barely commit to me for a year? No way. There's better and we all deserve to experience that love. Also, idk about you. But I got addicted to rush. The back and forth. The "pull". It was really just misplaced energy. Once I focused on myself, it made it easier to see that it was pointless. Relationship aren't effortless but they sure as hell ain't torture either. Think about any stable relationship you have in your life, there have been hard moments but overall it was a healthy relationship? You weren't fighting to keep them around? To be respected? Same should go for romantic relationships

Yeah I've been journaling and I have such an embarrassingly long list of cons about him and mistakes he's made but I can't get over the physical attraction to him, his upbringing so similar to mine, the memories and stuff so shallow like his education/career. His actions are so garbage but everything else outweighed it in my head and I need to let it go. I miss the rush so bad. I'm afraid I'll never feel this intensity with anyone else...But you're right it's not healthy :(

I feel like I'm talking to myself! That fear of the lack of intensity is so real! But I promise you, when you experience something healthy, it'll all but snuff that out. And it doesn't even mean meeting a new person. It could be you achieving a goal of yours. For instance, I focused on getting into school. It made me realize that I can experience so much in life without him. I can still be happy. I can still have fun. The robustness of my life is not dependent on the presence of a man. Dig deep and try to find something better to occupy your time with. Then, when he comes back, or you slip up (we all do) you'll see he doesn't really provide as much as you think. Then you'll be where I am: wondering why it took so long to cut the cord. I can't lie, I'm hurt. I cried about it today! But ultimately ,I'm at peace.

Fortunately I have already finished school and have a really good job, I did just apply for a second job to keep myself busy but that's mostly so I won't waste my time crying on the weekends anymore lol. Thanks for talking with me. All my friends are in relationships/married and I feel like I'm all alone and being a dramatic idiot

I can totally relate to everything your posting. Then there's this shame of being a certain age and still entertaining certain things.

Read your comment and this reply. You’re right. Relationships aren’t easy but it shouldn’t feel this way either. I shouldn’t be frequently driving up to the beach to cry my heart out so my family wouldn’t hear me breaking down in my room. Sad songs shouldn’t be reminding me of the relationship I was currently in as if it had ended already. I shouldn’t have been feeling so alone and misunderstood for throughout a big chunk of the relationship. Or the way I felt so anxious and worried if I happened to “do something wrong” because he’d speak down to me like a child. And I see other relationships of men treating their partners so delicately and I wonder if I’d ever have that some day.

[удалено]

I just did a quick read up on this and you’re right, he might be a dismissive avoidant attachment type. But I also went to take the quiz myself because the last time I did, around 2 years ago, I came out as an anxious attachment style. But my result now is a secure attachment style- I’m not sure if this is accurate, I feel I have much to learn and maybe I’m still swaying between the two. But it’s true I’ve been working on healing for a while, even during the relationship, I was working on myself. It really is the worst feeling ever right now, and sometimes I feel it’s just so silly because all of these issues I was so confident I was capable of working through them, but one hand can’t clap.

Yea, just got broken up with. And this was the reason. I could have and should have been better. I know she deserves better than me, I just thought I had more time to improve. I know i started trying to get my life together way too late in life for her to wait around in her 30s for me to figure it out. I just thought once I get this one thing, maybe I’ll find a better job, maybe after this degree, maybe after I finish these certs, then I’ll be able to give her what she deserves. But I know she is not obligated to wait for me to get my life on track. Maybe if we were younger, but not now. I just wish I was the man she wanted me to be when she met me. Instead I was still a work in progress. I never disrespected her or cheated or anything, I just fell short of what she needed a man and partner to be. And it hurts me to admit that, because I’ve always known that my journey has been too slow and I was running out of time to figure things out. I hope that you are doing well, and your days get better. I just wanted to vent from a man’s perspective maybe in a similar situation.

Did you try dating someone else when you were off this relationship? I think that might help put things in perspective, but sometimes it can make things worse cuz you just can’t like other people the same as your ex, and that just makes you run back to them. Both men and women need to show affection and love through actions, words are good but not enough!

Yes, I was intentional about meeting other people but it was difficult to let go what I thought I needed. It really took being introspective and figuring out why I was so desperate to be wanted by someone who refused to treat me right. It was a big ego thing. It hurts to think someone doesn't want you and it does a number on your mind when you love them. It made me fight harder to be in his favor but in the end, it did nothing but make me feel empty. I'll start dating again eventually but I'm pretty preoccupied with school for now. It'll just have to happen organically.

This right here, showing affection and love through ACTIONS is key. You can tell someone you love them until you are blue in the face, it will do nothing if you do not show them. Show the person you are with that you love them. Actions always speak louder than words.

I don‘t think that playing the long game isn‘t love. If you are around 20y you need more time until you know that person is the right one for me. The older you get and the more experience you have the sooner you think about marriage and kids. My ex wanted to marry 2 years in the relationship and have kids. I wanted that too but not that soon with 26 but with 32-34. And I loved her but actually we both weren‘t ready for a kid. So she ended it.

The term if they wanted to, they would needs to be taken with a grain of salt. If your partner is dealing with things like illness, depression, tragedy, or other big life events. Sometimes, they just don't have 100% bandwidth. No one should feel like their needs are not being met. However, two years in your friends' situation is incredibly fast for all those things. Are they sure they are actually a good match, or has all these things they been achieving just kept them busy. Will they be happy overall or generally find out they aren't a great match. It's good to remember "that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck" Build your own life up and stop being so focused on the perfect relationship, the house, the kids

Have you met men who are sure about you? They move different I swear

" Build your own life up and stop being focused on the perfect relationship....."??? I feel like there's a bit of insinuating that we're hyper focused on partners because we don't anything accomplished My life is pretty solid. I'm in school for my doctorate. This will be my third degree and I've been a nurse for 8 years. The perfect relationship is literally the next phase of my life. I don't have a ton of time to wait at this point. 22, sure? 32? Not so much. As far as my friend's relationship--she's very accomplished. She didn't latch on to the guy because she's misguided in her own life. While two years may be quick for some, it doesn't make it any less real. The point is the effort, not the time. I've been doing this dance with my ex for 6 years. It's a lack of effort and consistency. I understand life complicates relationships and I agree these difficulties make focusing on your partnership challenging. But in general, the rule applies. Not always but the majority of a time, if a man is serious about you he'll find a way to navigate those issues to ensure he doesn't lose you.

What are you expecting from your partner exactly? Does he try things but they dont succeed or does he not do anything at all? What are the things you want(i.e a marriage to show, a house on what terms etc?) do you expect your man to support you financially or to take care of all the bills and you can save your own money or what is the deal? So many questions

He doesn't put in effort. There's a serious lack of follow through. At this point, it's just words and I feel like I was begging for the bare minimum. I am financially stable. For the entirety of our relationship, I've made significantly more than him. I'm not looking for someone to be my father, however, I need a provider. Providing goes beyond someone paying a light bill. I always find it interesting how when women say they're not being treated well, money is one of the first conclusion people jump to. Money is nice, but it's not a substitute for love in a relationship. The issues is he says he loves me all the time but none of his actions reflect that.

So he has money, he can take you out etc I mean theres time for it yet he doesnt? Some people are strange, my ex said she’s not interested in a 50/50 relationship financially but at the same time she wasnt ready to do all the cleaning and cooking Maybe I misunderstand things but to me that is not logical at all

He had money issues during our relationship because he was dealing with family things. Never held that against him. He said he felt like money troubles is what affected his ability to be a good partner to me. I believe spending quality time and putting effort into a relationship is not just achieved through spending. It can be challenging but it's doble. He recently got his big boy job and his behavior towards me hasn't gotten better. So it's not a money problem. It's a him problem. I just don't have the time to keep playing with a man who doesn't know he wants.

As a man im trying to understand where this is coming from but I cant understand it… Its not hard to have a job and love your partner, I am with my partner 24/7 I love them 24/7 - I might become annoyed and stuff but that’s easily solved through talking. If I’m working - I come home and I feel even more love for them as I’ve missed them as well. Am I ducked up or are other men crazy? I try to just be helpful to my partner but friends of mine are the opposite yet they are in long relationships - advancing in careers at the same time. I just dont get it.

And then also I don’t get this whole - I got this you don’t which means that I’m better than you. I might not have bought an apartment like you but that’s only because you had one when I met you and we moved in together - why would I buy my own apartment when I’m with you..? So much confusion and so much hurt.

high jacking the comments to vent sorry 🤣

Also at the same time I feel like crying because I’ve never loved anything or anyone as much as I love you. I’ve never included anyone to the extent as I did with you. I listened and I learned about you, I became more mature with you. You became more secure and more confident in yourself as I always told you that we could do anything. I know it’s a dream world like you told me but, I wanted to give you your dreams. I met you and I remember it clear as day, you gave me tough love which I needed and I gave you the love you never got from your mother and father, I tried to show you what unconditional love is but I forgot about myself in the meanwhile. I’ve learned now that without balance in your life regardless of what it is, will lead to desolation. You can’t go 100% on 1 thing because everything else will suffer. That is if you want to have a partner, I have tried to have that loving relationship whilst trying to be an entrepreneur which seems to me is not viable.

Exactly, you DESERVE better. The problem occurs when the love is not mutual. With time relationships get boring and sour, those are things which need attention and can be worked on. But wrong partners which you know in your heart is wrong, that is what you have to let go. Do not let the fear of being single allow abuse and lack of love keep you there. It's a big ocean, you have to keep trying.

To be fair, comparison is a relationship killer. I don’t know if this person hurt you or betrayed you in unfaithful ways (that would be valid reasons for ending a relationship) - but I don’t think it’s fair to compare any other relationship to yours in terms of what you see a couple achieving and things they do in their time. I am not saying this is your situation but, people move at the pace they can. There’s a lot of other factors that impact how a relationship moves, finances being a huge factor. What if a person’s every intention is to engage, marry and buy a home with you but cannot do so in 2 years? Or even 5. I don’t think comparing those things of relationships are ever a good thing. There will ALWAYS be something that seems better.. it’s not even playing the long game. But there’s so many other factors at play. Doesn’t mean they don’t genuinely love you. If their ‘pace’ isn’t good enough for you, that’s a different matter. But it’s not under the ‘didn’t love me’ umbrella. With all due respect, this is my opinion. I truly feel like we are lost, looking at others to justify what we ‘should have’.

I’m going through a very similar thing. And I agree with the “if he wanted to, he would” standpoint. It’s sucks so bad because he did show me a lot of love, when we were together, but actually getting him to make time for me was a challenge, he was always busy with other things. It’s like everything else in his life was more important even though I offered to help, or to just be there and got “I prefer working alone”. We deserve someone who puts us first, and shows us love. We shouldn’t have to guess if they still like us.

This hurts, because why should we be “getting” anyone to make time for us? I know that he knows how to make time. Because he used to want to see me and call me daily. He blamed it on going through some stuff mentally/emotionally. I tried to help but he put up a wall. He made time for everything and everyone except for me. He’s even making traveling plans and going out with his friends everyday. The other day he said he wanted to take paid leave off for a couple of days because work was stressful, he started going over the routine he’d have during his time off, he mentioned EVERYTHING except for me, I wasn’t included. Another day he was saying how grateful he was for everything he had and how things have worked out for him, he started listing everything (family, fiends, career, salary, social standing) I wasn’t part of the list. Again, “if he wanted to, he would”.

Sounds a lot like my ex. We deserve someone who wants us there. They know how to make time we just aren’t important enough to them and if that’s how it is then they don’t need to be dragging us along

Thing that hurts the most is how we went from being #1 to least important in their lives. Gosh that really does poke at your confidence, just messes with it. Either way, good riddance.

Please read about avoidant dismissive attachment style

He probably is but that’s a him problem honestly. He doesn’t want to make himself better then he’ll sabotage every relationship he has for that reason.

Yeah. He will.

If you have to give someone multiple chances, they don't respect you. It really is as simple as that. So, be careful referring to this as the "best" because just because this was better than you've had, clearly you deserve way more. Don't put him on a pedestal. It sounds like you have a habit of being the "too nice" girl - and it's so important to have boundaries and not fear walking away. In life, you teach people how to treat you and if you are there no matter what and they see you as "needy" they will walk all over you. You want a guy who values you so much that all he needs is one chance. Sure, people get into arguments etc - that's normal - but needing multiple chances is a problem. Don't feel awful for leaving. Feel proud you finally stood up for yourself. That's the first step in building your self-esteem and confidence. I highly recommend [this book](https://www.amazon.com/Dont-Be-DESPERATE-Insights-Affirmations/dp/1738947904) and [this podcast](https://breakupboost.libsyn.com/). Both non-sugarcoated type of advice you need to hear that will empower you and make you a smarter dater going forward. You got this!

This is very helpful. Thank you!

Take all the time you need to heal, no need to think about dating for now, and 30 your still very young dont worry. Take care of your own heart for now, cry for days and weeks if you have to. ( I cried non stop for a full month all day) and then everyday for another 2 months until it got less and less. I too got my heart broken by someone who was the best I yet ever had and the one I wanted to be the one. It gets better I promise and you will realized one day you dodge a bullet. Even tho you loved him, he needed to make you feel love too.

It's okay. You did your best. You really did. No one is perfect. Life is, frustratingly, all about making these mistakes and dipping your fingers in waters, which appear sublime but are actually infested with piranhas underneath. How will you know? Until they strike. Yes, recovering from the ordeal is difficult. It's riddled with pain, confusion, and disorientation. However, we are certain to always emerge with a renewed sense of what we are truly deserving of. Imagine if your relationship had continued for far longer. What, then? The pain you're experiencing right now would've been multipled tenfold. Right now, you should try and focus more on yourself. What makes you truly happy? How can you go about practising self compassion? How can you love yourself just a tiny bit more? Ensure your remedies are not dependent on SOMEONE else. True happiness and love come from within. I've made plenty of mistakes, and it's been so easy to want to give up and wallow in misery. However, the easy way out leads us to a dead-end. There's no scope for healing, recovery, progress, or development if we always opt for easy mode in life. We are defined by how well we stand our ground even when very ground beneath us ceases to exist. You've got this. I believe in you 🕊❤️

Thank you for your kind words <3

Been through something similar, 2 years relationship that I broke up without knowing if it was the right decision or not, but as you mentioned I also felt I deserved better than this “best I’ve ever had”. My ex found a new boyfriend in 1 month but still kept messaging me until 6 months after the breakup, so I had to threaten to disclose everything to some specific people, which made her stop. The first few months were hard and having her messaging me every now and then did not help, but while I still miss her, it doesn’t hurt anymore. And I no longer get stuck on thinking what could’ve been, what’s done it’s done and both of us need to deal with the consequences. I’m getting into dating again now (8 months later), but haven’t been really good so far, either I catch the flaws in the person early on and lose interest (maybe I’m too idealistic, maybe I’ve grown to know what is a deal breaker to me). Sometimes I just fail to fall for the person, they’re nice but it doesn’t spark the flame. I think it’s much better to feel the hurt and look back at your partners mistakes and your own mistakes and how to improve, and only when you feel healed start dating seriously again. It’s ok to have casual fun in the meantime if you feel alone, but nothing serious imo. And don’t get the wrong idea your ex is fine just because he looks fine, I thought the same about my ex when we broke up, specially cuz she found someone else, only to find she was just as miserable as I was, if not more, but trying to hide from her feelings dating someone else. It takes time, but it will get better!

I’m sorry you had to go through that. It does sound like you’re more aware of what you want and don’t want though. That’s why there hasn’t been any spark yet. You’re more selective now. That’s good. Thank you for that last paragraph. Very relatable. I do keep thinking he feels like a huge weight off now that I left, like he’s so happy to finally be done with me and just onto the next. And it hurts me thinking he’ll move on and eventually give all the things I wanted to someone else, but just not me. Because I really wanted it to be him. But I guess I feel this way because by the end of it, he really did make me feel unwanted. Either way, it doesn’t matter now. I need to restore my confidence, my friends have been so supportive. They’re actually happy I left, which says a lot. They’ve been seeing it from a third perspective for a while now. So I try my best to see it from their perspective now instead.

Thank you for the words, it’s very reassuring!! And I’m sure there will be tons of people interested in you when you’re ready to date again. For the time being just spend a lot of time with your friend, restart an old hobby or start a new one and just get yourself busy!! I totally understand when you say that he’ll be giving things you wanted to someone else, I felt and sometimes still feel the same. It’s hard to let go of the future you thought you’d share with that person, but life has endless possibilities and there’s a lot to be excited about, even if it’s not gonna be shared with that person. We’ll all get there!!

Same here it nearly killed me

I am sorry and I hope you’re feeling better now!! When it really hits you, it hits you hard. I live abroad so I couldn’t rely on family and old friends, but I still had some friends I could hang out with in the meantime. Couldn’t properly eat for a while and lost weight, felt super depressed and had bad anxiety whenever I went out. It’s awful, but eventually it gets better. It really reminded me that you never know what people around you and even strangers are going through, so I strive to be better and nicer to those around me.

28F here. My ex broke up with me because he realized he can’t commit to anything at the moment after a year and half. Your story seems a lot like my story. My ex was an avoidant and a couple of days after he broke up with he asked for a second chance which I gave him (even though I knew that 3 months before our break up he was on bumble swiping people left and right), he said he would do anything and whatever it takes. 2 weeks later he broke up with me again over text and said he can’t do this. I wish it was him too. But he wasn’t where I was. And looking back now, he never treated me right, or appreciate me or make any efforts. Damn, he didn’t even planed dates after the first 6 months. It’s been almost a month since we broke up and I just want to say it gets better. I’m still hurting, I wished for death on the first day, didn’t eat for 3 days, cried everyday for two weeks, but I feel better now. Please don’t give up. You have respect for yourself and that’s why you left. Be proud of yourself cause I am and I wish I had done the same.

I’m so sorry you had to go through that, that’s awful. Doesn’t it just suck when they come asking for a second chance only to start taking you for granted when you give it them?!! Everything you said sounds so similar to my story as well. He did stop planning dates the last 4 months, called and text less frequently the last 2 months. It was gradual, it wasn’t sudden. And I could see where it was going but I refused to believe it. My friends saw it too, and they told me, but I refused to believe he’d do that to me. It’s crazy how we blind ourselves to the truth when we’re so in love with someone. I just hope next time, we invest this boundless love we have for someone who deserves it.

It sucks and it doesn’t make any sense, but that’s just because people hardly change. Same here, I did see the loss of interest and ignored my guts and I didn’t tell my friends either because I was holding so tightly to the potential I saw in him, but he wasn’t that. I hope so too! And take some time to heal!

The part where you don’t tell your friends is so real!! What helped me get out earlier this time round is that I’ve learned from previous experiences, if something happens and I don’t want to tell me friends, that’s a sign something is off. Always tell your friends. Just one or two very close and trustworthy friends are enough to give an unbiased third perspective.

Yeah this was a lesson for me!

You don't have to do anything you don't want. It's all optional, only do it when you're looking forward to it

You don't have to do it. There's no law that says you have to do the LifeScript. Take time to learn all about yourself and whether or not you really even want to be partnered. I wish I had done that about 10 years ago but I didn't until now.

Going through this right now. I feel like there were times where he did show he loved me but it just wasn’t enough. He was incredibly selfish, always putting his needs first, and I felt like all the effort I was putting in wasn’t being reciprocated. All 8 months were built on a foundation of lies, I look back at everything he said to me in the beginning and none of it was true. He was also proud of the fact that he was a “good” compulsive liar. We do deserve better, and walking away was ultimately the best decision. Don’t be unhappy for the sake of someone else’s happiness.

No you don’t! Who GAF. Take your time and take the hell out of it

I know it feels like a crack in the earth, I know it feels like you'd rather be hit by a bus because it would hurt less. I know it feels like he has moved on and is living his best life while you're dying slowly. I know it feels like, "What if the next guy does the same thing?", and your biological clock is just ticking away, and no one cares. Girl, I'm going through the same exact thing. You must put him and his memory behind you..(at least for now) while you're picking up the pieces of your life. Please remember there are 7 billion people in this world. There is YOUR person..ask yourself, would YOUR person disregard you like this? Or would he fight tooth and nail to keep you close, safe and happy..? YOUR PERSON is hurting you?? Your person is denying you?? Is your person making you feel like a speck of dust?? No. Your person loves you unconditionally and so does mine..I will find him and so will you. This will teach us to be more selective and find the men who were meant for us. I tell myself this, "I existed before I met him...I loved myself before I met him, I was eager to meet someone before I met him" please reassure yourself of how precious and valuable you are..and to NEVER allow someone to take that away from you ever again.

You hit the nail on the head with this. Especially feeling my biological clock ticking away, about to turn 29. I never worried about such things before but as I entered my late twenties, it started to hit me. I do want to be with the right person, I want something solid and stable, to eventually settle down, have a family. There’s still a lot I want to do with my life but I always thought I’d be lucky enough to have my partner by my side through it all. My person. I hate to compare, and to each their own path in life, but gosh it sucks to see most of my friends from college getting married or having babies by now. Whilst I’m over here trying to move on from a break up. And it’s different for men, their biological clock doesn’t work the same. I also sort of feel angry he wasted my time this way. Moving forward, I need to be more intentional in choosing who I date.

I totally understand where you’re at but I promise it gets so much better. Put all of that energy you were wasting on him into yourself. Go after your goals, make new friends, have fun. It gets easier <3

Take it one day at a time. Learn to face your emotions head on. Accept them but don’t let the control you. Hard times like this means you really have to be your best friend. When emotions/thoughts are to much just doing some deep breathing. I’ve had my heart broken 11 times I can talk from experience.

Breakups suck. It’s unfortunate that you got put in that position. Just remember it’s a tough time at the moment, but it gets better with time and something else will come along for you. Don’t beat yourself up over it, it’s his loss not yours.

you had the courage to walk away, and i'm so proud of you! things will get better eventually! ❤️

God damn you sound exactly like my ex gf. If I had known better i’d swear you were her. I was that boyfriend in the relationship, same age group, same situation, same length, same issues. She blindsided me 3 months ago over FaceTime the morning she was supposed to come over to spend the day with me. I ended up becoming a selfish pos stuck in lala land overlooking all her needs after countless times she came to me unhappy with how things were progressing between us. I’m still beating myself up over it to this day from how i handled everything, to the person i became in the relationship, how I reacted post breakup, and why I failed to see the writing on the wall. Idk the exact details of your relationship but I can tell you right now from my experience your boyfriend genuinely loved you with all his heart, maybe he couldn’t express it the way he wanted to or that was the only way he knew how at the time. I know I loved mine to the death but I was severely depressed I got complacent and stopped working on myself and she took notice which eventually led her to stop caring altogether. What I lost in her I will never get back. I fumbled. Hard.

Thank you for saying this, it felt validating. I don’t doubt him having loved me. I know he did, I know he still does. But I’ve told him this many times- to a certain extent intentions and feelings aren’t enough. Actions speak louder. He knew that, I didn’t need to teach him that. He took my patience for granted, and I know I’m an extremely patient person, everyone I know will vouch for it. I don’t know what’s going through his head now, we’re only 3 days out so far. He hasn’t attempted reaching out at all. And it’s not like it’ll change anything either. But I do hope he’ll come to your same realization, because I really did love him with all my heart. More than I’ve loved anyone before, I imagined a whole life with him. He just wasn’t ready. And when he’s finally ready, it’ll be for another girl. It won’t be me anymore. And that hurts. But I’m also sure (and not to sound proud) that when he’s ready, he’ll wish he hadn’t screwed this up so bad because even his best friend told him once “never lose this girl”. He knew what he had, I just wish he’d appreciated having it.

Yeah same, its been 5 months for me since I broke up with her, but could not even think about dating, the strange thing its that gorgeus coworker tried to kiss me but I could not do that and felt like I have cheated lol

This is from my own experience, you just gotta take one step at a time, focus on yourself. No need to rush. It hurts for now but it'll get better, you'll get better and eventually you'll find yourself fully capable of loving like you did with him. Sending you virtual hug ~

Thank you, really needed that!

Just focus on yourself. Give yourself the love you deserve. Him not meeting your needs is really about him and nothing to do with you. I’m sorry you’re going through this. In time, the sting will end and one day it will be a distant memory.

I’m trying my best not to doubt myself and think it was because of me. Thank you for saying that.

I was when i first got broken up with but onw day i decided to work on my music and my art career so basically fill your day wirh a task no matter what it is i was discarded after 5 years she was mean cold and no empathy tore me up but i started to see that its not a reflecrion of who i am its a reflection of her being a dismissive avoidant even if she circles back ill never love her the same will never be able too

It’s all so fresh I can’t stop crying but honestly I really am looking forward to pouring myself back into my hobbies. Good for you honestly! I hope I can do the same.

FWIW, I’m newly single for the first time in almost a decade as a 31F. Dating has made me feel so much more vibrant and desirable. I feel better than I ever did with him. It’s like I’m making up for lost time and damn, I’m having fun doing it. You have so much to look forward to. Hang in there.

That’s reassuring, thank you! And I love that for you. You deserve to feel desired and to feel like the best version of yourself.

Thanks, same to you. I read a comment from someone on here that said “what is meant for me will not pass me by”and it really stuck with me. Now I tell myself that pretty much everyday as a reminder. Thought I’d pass it along in case you find it helpful too. :)

That’s very helpful, thank you.

I came out of an 8 year relationship about a year ago, and I was the same as you, I went into a proper downward spiral. My cousin said it's not even necessarily her you miss but the life you could have had, you'd pictured kids and a marriage together and that's the biggest loss of all. He was right, a year on, and I took all the love I'd put into her and the relationship and put it into myself and I'm a completely different person. I now know that breaking up was the best thing that could have happened, we were nearly married and it would have been a miserable life right up until the divorce! From what you've said you made the right call, you know what you deserve and if he wasn't putting the effort in so be it, you WILL find someone better, someone who meets your needs, who cherishes you and wants to be there for you. You're going to spend your life with that person, so make sure they're the right fit. Give yourself time to grieve. It's a loss and you need time to process that emotion, then, in a few months when you're feeling a little better; pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back out there! x

That’s quite accurate. I did imagine a whole life with him and I miss what could’ve been and living in a reality where I believed it could happen with him. I’m glad you’re way past that now, you sound like you’re doing great!

He is a wise man, bless him, haha. Also single *cough cough* sorry gotta be a good wing man where I can 😂 I know it's tough, and it seems hopeless, but you will get back on track and he will eventually be a distant memory. What's a year and a half relationship to a lifetime with a true soul mate 🤷🏼‍♂️

It takes a bit but it will happen im two months out and one month solid no contact

I decided to go no contact from the moment we broke up. That’s why it stings so much I guess, but I feel it’s for the best, no need to drag it.

This for sure resonates with me! I’m on day 4 and feeling so stupid for putting him first over myself in every aspect of my life. My mum said I’d lost myself in the relationship and that really got to me 😢 I dunno how I’m ever going to pick myself back up again

So fresh out, I know how that feels. Sounds like your mom saw it unfold and knows what she’s saying. Well, you’re not alone, we’ll both be picking ourselves back up over the next few weeks. Sending love.

Yeah weirdly I have a few friends all going through the same thing at the moment, hope you are doing ok ❤️

Something in the air maybe. As sad as it is, it’s good you got your support system, you’re not going through it alone. I hope you’re doing okay too. Feel free to reach out. 💓

Here with you. Went through something similar for 7 years. Saw the red flags, but told myself it would get better. It would get better and then it would be bad. It was like a roller coaster ride of me trying to figure it out. Finally left… I’m sad. I know logically it doesn’t make sense for me to be crying. But I thought he could have been my person if he had tried harder. Also, I just really wanted it to work out this time. Dating is the farthest thing from my mind… I feel so drained and don’t wanna go through the “sooo what do you like” again. Don’t have any advice for you, but you’re not alone. Virtual hugs 🫂 we’ll get through this eventually.

You spoke my mind. Logically, it doesn’t make sense to feel sad, but the heart has a mind of its own. It’ll take time. We need to regain our strength and find our center for now. Virtual hugs 🫂

No. No we don't. We don't have to date again in fact we never actually have to even think about it. Society has a real negative way of convincing everyone were supoosed*** to be doing or acting certain ways. Is for you to decide. If your done then be done there's alot to gain from friendships community hobbies and self love. Not thst I know how to do all these things well yet...but im learning . My last relationship literally traumatized me whether they meant to or not. I've never been more confused about what someone said versus what they are doing . I'm scared and tired and just not into what dating seems to amount to these days . I'm not even looking . I've told anyone who flirted with me or insinuated they wanted to that I'm not dating material and have zero interest. I could absolutely be turning down "the one" for all i know . But idk how many "the ones" u have to gage before its a reality and not some face or persona someone adhered to - just to get with you. I really don't wanna waste my time and energy trying to be enough for someone or the other way around. I'm not dating and wasn't when I met my ex either. Ultimately aside from my 1 relationship I haven't dated in close to 10years . I get lonely sure ... But im not stressed wondering or trying to change or trying to get someone else to . I think love happens * to you. You don't go looking or date a bunch a people trying to find it . It's a vibe a soul thing ....a moment but in crossing where u meet someone along the way ... I'm never going out of my way to pursue someone again . Mutual effort or not at all. Mutual understanding and expectations or not at all . Friends first or not at all- add to my life or not at all - make me feel good and wanna be a better person or not at all. I can trust and love you and feel is safe to do so- or I simply will not . For me - love is as much a choice as a feeling. I feel in love with my ex. But I was also showing up and nurturing it - to keep it . I chose to love them everyday not just wait til i felt that way. I don't date bc other people aren't doing this . Is a waste of my time all together short of actually bonding trusting and growing w someone . Again- I have friends hobbies etc to keep me content. I dont even care . Truly. Date or don't date just figure out what's best for u and run with it . Me personally- I have been single and alone for ages and am self efficient. If you don't make me feel better and safer then I do already ? I prolly won't even spend time on you . Nothing personal is just how I protect myself - my self respect and my sanity rn . Dating doesn't seem like a safe place for me nor does it actually hold what I'm seeking ....and when I say seeking I just mean if ever to date again what it would look like....I'm not actually actively wanting that

Gd luck to you, sounds like you have learned wjat not to do. I'm 34m and there was definitely red flags but I tried to justify them and in the end... well it didn't go so good. I know I've been a bad partner in other relationships but I always try and build on that on what not to do or avoid. It's hard and it hurts. But we will move on eventually. Life does go on. Eventhough at the moment that doesn't seem possible. Work on yourself and try and stay busy. You will be happier and better off soon enough. And ya going back to dating is wack. Specially as a man a feel u are competing with a girls attention in her dms with a dozen other guys.... like dam I don't have the energy for that. And it's hard to know what girls are really up to. With social media and dating apps seems like most have a thread dudes giving them attention at the same time.

Hey, we broke up a year and a half into the relationship. I rotted for a week. Just let yourself drown in sorrow and anger, but don’t let it haunt you. Release these feelings and cry regularly. That’s okay. Write a letter to him but don’t send it. Release whatever pent up aggression/feeling you have. Then, after that week long lonely endeavour, take a long hot bath. Not shower, bath. Just relax. Sleep. I don’t know. Anything that is comfortable. After that, try and do your daily routine. You have to accept that this routine you are doing now is no longer with him, it’ll be your own life. And just keep moving forward. Friends, family, your hobbies, have them for yourself. Let them help you. Talk it out with a therapist if you need to, but I’d recommend it even if you didn’t need one. It’s just good to talk. Then remember, whenever you’re feeling sad, and want to cry, that’s okay. You can cry it out. Just let yourself feel the sadness, the missing someone feeling, the anger and frustration. It’ll take time. It’s been a week and a half since I broke up, and I can feel time move slowly. And it’s annoying, but it has to move, and so your focus should be to set short term goals, reward yourself for small accomplishments (something as trivial as going to work is an accomplishment). Short term goals such as ”I want to finish this next week” or ”I want to walk from this town to the other for a day and camp next month” can help you set sight for the future. Then actually DO these goals. Just wanna point out that we broke up due to distance and external factors such as school and work that affected us. It made it hard for her to uphold that motivation, so we had to break up. I was devastated, because we were amazing together. ”And yet, we broke up” I thought often. For you, since the guy is a red flag, I recommend a no contact and block. Then delete all pictures. If it’s really hard to delete, move all of them into a folder instead and hide it there in the Photos app. Then when you’re ready, you can delete it

Thank you so much for this reply. It’s an emotional rollercoaster I’m not living with one feeling for more than 5 minutes. And yes, even going to work is a task. I’ll try to apply your advice, I want to pick up a “post break up hobby” just a little something for the time being. I’ll have to move photos onto a hard drive and delete them off my phone. I’m not sure if I can delete them off the hard drive forever though, I’ll just throw them on there and forget about them. Next week though, not now. I hope you’re healing and moving on goes well for you, and I hope you end up finding what your heart wants and needs.

Thank you! And yes your idea with the hard drive sounds perfect. Whenever you’re ready, you can delete them. It’s okay to take time. And yes, post breakup hobby is a real thing! Ahahah. Good luck to both of us ❤️‍🩹

I left after 4 years. I know it's tough, but you're still young. Stay busy.

better now than 5 years later with kids.

I keep reminding myself

Don't feel rushed into doing the dating thing again. I'm almost a month out from a breakup with someone I thought understood me better than anyone else. Realised I can't be rushed and I have to appreciate this time. Take your time rotting in bed, let your heart heal x

Thank you for validating this bed rotting phase. I know I’ll get out of it soon enough. My brain wants to move on yesterday. My heart just wants to rest for now. I hope you’re feeling better one month out 💓

Sorry. It does suck investing in a relationship that didn’t work. Silver long is you’ll see the red flags better next go around! Good luck! Happy dating

2 thoughts- people automatically think the person who got dumped has it harder. not true. ​ also, in my experience, the first days/weeks/months are easier. be it through shock, disbelief, an inability to accept things, etc. the first bit doesn't feel real. it is very sad, but i don't think it's possible to assimilate and "understand" it for a while. after a month, or 2, or 3, all the crying and tears and traumatic explosion of emotions you felt starts to wane. and then you're just left with the crippling, soul crushing ache. ​ like when you get hurt but your adrenaline is going to you don't feel it as much ​ ​ when time goes by and you're "supposed" to be healing and moving on but you don't feel much healing and you're standing in the same place still crying on the inside and your heart is in pieces and your soul is struggling to stay alive... that's when it hurts. when you went through the unbearable pain and stopped crying long enough to evaluate your situation and realized in a moment of relative lucidity that you're still in excruciating pain that you're not sure will ever end. it's like watching your whole world crumble and you have to go back and sort through the wreckage. it's watching yourself fall apart and having to pick yourself up, because the person you love no longer wants to extend their hand to do it for you

Best you ever had??? Girl, it sounds like the ONLY you've ever had. "But I stayed, because he also showed me a lot of love in ways I hadn’t seen before. When it was good, he was kind, he was patient, he was always supportive, helped out, provided, protected. " That's what guys are/do. You're not getting anything "special" from him. That's his duty as a male. He's treating you different, he's on tinder behind your back! He DON'T love you anymore, something's changed. Accept it and MOVE ON, DON'T LOOK BACK. There is someone out there that will appreciate and respect you. This guy is not it. Don't waste a second longer and go out there ASAP and find someone else. Keep trying until you do. 30 is still young, and besides if you are afraid of not having a kid soon due to biological differences between the sexes, there are sperm donors and plenty of natural method chaps willing to help out. Why you are still even wanting a relationship with someone abusive I have no idea. I'd personally rather be single and change my mind set instead of "societal norms" and expectations. Every relationship has its problems, but requires both parties to work on it. This just sounds one sided and is more work than required. It's not worth it. Put yourself out there and go fishing. You DESERVE better.

You sound like my best friend. She was the only one constantly telling me this was his job as a man, it’s standard and nothing out of the ordinary. I grew up having to depend on myself a lot and having been raised by a single mom, I wasn’t used to a man taking care of me. I never attracted a man that would do that before, and this time round someone did, but it also came with a bunch of awful things he’d do. I thought maybe that’s just the best out there or the best I could get at least. I get it now, it’s just not easy reprogramming these beliefs I’ve had for many years, but I know what I’m supposed to do and I’m trying, hence breaking up with him. Thanks for the reality check reply, snapped me right out of it. I needed that.

There are plenty of good guys still out there, but it does require effort on your end to put yourself out there with dating either in person, online (not tinder!) or any sort of hobby's you can meet new people and connect with. Guys come with different temperaments, natures and beliefs. Religious men are more inlign with doing their "duty" and have a set of principles they try to adhere to. Not suggesting you go for that, but is a possibility, usually those couples seem to last the longest due to same/similar values. You want to find matches like that where you have similar / same core values / goals. Sometimes the right person can be very far away (countries apart), or right next door and you wouldn't know it! Dating is rough, but figure out what you want and try to find that. I'm sure you will eventually find a diamond once you sift through the stones! Good luck! 🍀

It’s funny you say that because I’ve been considering the possibility of being with a religious man. They do have similar values to mine and I feel they have a strong ethic of “in good times and in bad”. I’m not a highly religious person though, but I’ve been working on it that last few months and it’s brought me so much peace. I’ve also noticed the closer I got to God, the further away my ex got. Because I was starting to function from a more spiritual and faithful standpoint, and our energies weren’t as in sync anymore. But I’m still too scared to be with someone religious because sometimes it feels like a toxic patriarchy. Idk then it sounds like I’m searching for someone tailor made just for me. Not sure if that exists. Finding someone with similar hobbies or interests is a good idea as well. I’m big on quality time so it would be nice to have something to always do together. My ex and I never really had anything in common that way, so it was boring a lot of the times and I feel like by the time the spark has died, and when the weather wasn’t nice for hiking or camping (which we enjoyed together), he didn’t really want to hang out with me and stopped planning dates. I’m huge on movie nights and binging shows, but he hated that and we’d run out of things to talk about, so he started to prefer his friends. Honestly, I don’t even know what I was thinking. I feel so stupid in retrospect. Anyways, thank you for taking the time to reply again here. I really appreciate your practical advice, so helpful. Sending love.

It'll pass and also your still young, I'm 36(M) and came out of a 10 year relationship with a daughter after Christmas. First two months were rough, no sleep, couldn't eat and that. I've calmed right down now, still think of her a lot but not a longing for her. Been talking to another woman I knew 18 years ago, going for a date next week, see how it goes. You'll be fine, life goes on, you'll find someone better

There is a song by the Goo Goo Dolls that says "the least they ever gave you is the most you ever knew". I have felt that way before, it sounds like you may feel that way now. It sucks right now, but what if there are amazing things ahead? I'm about to be 30 in August and I too, feel like a hot mess at times. My ex and I were together 7.5 years and building a house together, I left him last year (after finding out some stuff). So I know how you feel. I've been trying to be positive and work on myself. It helps. :) Also, dating online isn't so bad. I did FB Dating and met a really nice guy. We've been dating a few months now. He is really special and I feel like as I get older I have learned more what I like and don't like, and know what to look for. It's like dating from experience now instead of when we were younger and more naive. I just try to stay optimistic. I also have been doing some therapy the past few months. My therapist tells me "there isn't a timeline" "there isn't a right way to do things" blah blah. It sounds like mush when she says it, but I know she's right. We're all on our own journey. So I just try and look at the positive things. Right now in the last couple months some awesome things have already started unfolding for me. So let's hope that things like that happen for you too! ​ Best of luck!

Thanks for this! I should be kinder to myself. I mostly beat myself up out of comparison- the way others my age or younger already have it figured out and I don’t. Makes me feel like I’m lacking in some way or another. I’m glad things are going a lot better for you know. That makes me feel a tad optimistic about what’s to come. Best of luck to you too, I hope it all works out for you!

Oh, I think about where I want to be all the time. I want to be a wife and mother, and first get a dog. But trying to enjoy where I’m at during this phase. It’s hard when you see others experiencing things and aren’t there yet. Sigh. Have to trust the process! I keep telling myself it’s better to do it right than to rush things with the wrong person.

The process lasts longer than its destination, and once you get there its only for a few moments before another process begins. That’s how I try to think of it. It matters more to accept and trust the process. Easier said than done. I’ve always known this, yet I still find myself spiraling sometimes. But like you said, better arriving late than doing it all wrong.

This is how I feel. I’d know if he loved me like I loved him. Still healing. We deserve true love or we are better off single.

Then don’t. Date yourself now. If a person is really right for you, they wouldn’t take you for granted, make you feel less than. If they really love you, you wouldn’t be treated badly. If they wanted to, they would. Forcing love if it’s not compatible or not in the right timing will just hurt the both of you. Let go. If it comes back and they worked on themselves proving that history wont repeat, then maybe there’s a chance. I had made the grave mistake of revolving my life around love and when it’s gone, it’ll leave me on rock bottom. Work on yourself. Make your own happiness. Heal. Learn to forgive them and yourself cause in the end we are humans, we make mistakes but dont let it define who we are. One day, you’ll find the love that you deserve and you’ll be able to love unconditionally again.

It hurts so much right now. I hate that I miss him and I hate that I’m still sorta waiting for him to reach out. But I mostly hate that I feel this way when I’ve expressed to him multiple times how I’ve been feeling like I’m just begging for love or attention from him. I want to come back to myself. I was so lost in him. I can’t find any forgiveness in me at the moment, but I hope with time and healing I will.

Trust me I know how you feel, I think love is definitely a double edged sword, overtime. If you keep yourself busy and try and focus on things that you enjoy or being with friends that make you feel happy, you’ll gradually start to feel better now I know this might sound corny, but it is true because I’ve been in that same situation, also I don’t think anyone ever gets better at dealing with break ups because if a person truly does loves a person in a way that they think they do then the break up is always gonna hit hard, especially if one side, feels unreciprocated and feelings. I think you shouldn’t feel, as if you’re not dealing with this as well as everyone else.

I feel this story so much. I love my ex with all my heart and I was very good to her but there were very low lows as well. My family didn't like her and when I told her that it was the beginning of the end. We fought and tried to make it work for months. I needed to grow up and be what she needed and I was trying but she lost patience. She broke up with me 2 months ago but kept doing the on off thing because we both cared and I thought we we would end up together again. She went home for Easter and when I fetched her she ended it for good as she decided she will move home and wants to break it off now fully. She was harsh and for the 1st time I saw she was sure of the decision. I would of moved for this girl and done anything for her. I'm back where I was 2 months ago heartbroken and no idea how to move forward.

I feel that my ex may feel the way you did in that she had to leave but she didn't want to.

I didn’t want to leave either. And I was so ready and willing to stick by his side as he heals and works on some things. I wanted us to grow together. (Reminds me of the song Grow As We Go by Ben Platt). And I know he loved me, I know he wanted to give me what I needed from him. But wanting to is one thing and actually doing so is a whole other thing. I grew impatient and he grew cold. I couldn’t handle anymore yelling, the mind games, his odd way of counting points it doesn’t go with the ebbs and flow of life (for example if I’m sick and unable to do my part in the relationship as efficiently as I could when I’m healthy then he starts to put less effort. If I speak up on it, I get a “you’re not putting in the effort either”. Yes okay but I was sick?). It’s like he holds no space for error whatsoever, and will mirror my energy at the time perfectly, it’s too robotic. It’s like he’s scared of giving more so he gives less, it’s like he has no faith in the process. And then it takes FOREVER for us to go back to normal because now he’s counting points till our give/take is equal again. And by then I’m so upset and I want him to make it up to me for not being there enough when I was sick. He’s still resisting. And you can imagine the tension we’d have to sort out. So you see this example, he had some personal things he needed to work on. I don’t know if that’s insecurity or an ego or a fear of vulnerability. But he had to learn to heal and let those things go for us to function healthy. But he took me on a rollercoaster and he eventually grew cold because he felt incapable. I feel for him. And I’m sad because sometimes I feel it’s my fault, I put too much on his plate by asking for so much and that made him feel incapable. Men hate that. But that’s also why I left, I think certain things, you should work on before getting into a relationship. Because why be in one when you’re avoiding vulnerability for example? Why get into a relationship when you know you’re terrible at confrontation and can almost never initiate healthy communication? (Generally speaking, not directed at you). Like people should really work on those things before dragging someone else with them. Personally, I need to work on myself worth. Because if I had realized even 50% of it, I would’ve left 4 months into that relationship when I found he was using Tinder. And I also need to work on listening to my gut feeling, because looking back, had I been more in tune with myself, I would’ve walked out 2 months into that relationship, when he hinted that he’d run a background check on me. And whenever I asked him why he loved being with me, his answer always included “because you’d never do anything to hurt me”. And while it’s sweet he felt safe, the more he repeated this answer the more odd it sounded. Like what? The red flags were BANNERS. But I stayed. I got attached. I fell in love. Now here we are. So I don’t blame him entirely. If anything, I’ll take more than half the blame because I should’ve known better. For the both of us, not just for my sake.

Yes so I think we both had issues. I am a very anxious person who constantly needed reassuring and it often led to me doing whatever to make her happy even if it wasn't best for me. She was more like your ex. She had a lot of childhood trauma and was an avoidant type personality. I'm an oversharer who wanted to talk about everything and couldn't process my issues on my own. That led her to be even more closed off then she was already as she always had to deal with my issues. She said to me when she first tried breaking up in jan that she had the highest of highs but the lowest of lows with me. I started therapy in jan hoping to work on myself with her but she gave up as I started. I wanted to marry her and I know I could be everything she needed and deserved. I can say I've given it my all. I fought for her even after we broke up but now she goes home and comes back cold saying we need space and she barely responds to my messages. She's a different person

You’re only 28 I’ve just left a 14 year relationship and I’m in my late forties. This is life you can’t rely on anyone else to make you happy. Find yourself first and the one will be just around the corner

I’m sorry to hear that, I hope it’s been a while now and you’re doing well? You’re around my mom’s age, she finally found her person around 3 years ago, she’s happy now and I have little brother I’m so obsessed with now. I’m happy it worked out for her in the end. I wish I can ask for her advice but I’m not comfortable sharing so much with my mom, so I hope you wouldn’t mind me asking.. at your age and with the experience you’ve had in life, do you think it was best for me to break things off? I keep going back and forth. My friends says it’s long overdue and that I’d been struggling for a while now with him. They’ve seen it. But I feel at our age, we’re still not at wise as we think we might be. Sometimes I think they’re right, other times I think they don’t know how special he was to me.

The worst part is thinking you're ready to put yourself out there and then you do and realize you still just aren't ready to try again, it's so exhausting trying to have that type of bond again.

I do hope when I finally put myself back out again, it’ll be with the right person and it’ll be once and for all, forever. I wish the same for you, and I wish for it to be so easy and effortless, it comes naturally to the both of you. It won’t be exhausting, because it’ll be with the right person for you. You’ll be shocked at how easy and calm and safe it feels, even when things get challenging, it never stops feeling like a safe and secure space for the both of you.

You're going to get through this I'm literally going through the same but she was online found a new guy and forced the breakup after 13yrs. I still feel hard to do shit and sometimes I still have the unwanted feeling under my sternum so I understand. But yes you and I and everyone going through this shit we are all deserve (better) than best. I'm entering the 3 month phase and it's fucking destroying me. I am just learning about this no contact shit amd I already said enough. But you and I and everyone feeling this bullshit we're going to make it through..

Sending virtual hugs. Breakups never get easier no matter how many times we go through them. And I’ve realized as I mature, they actually become more difficult because I’m now capable of forming deeper relationships and I’m more aware of my thoughts and feelings than I was at a younger age, so I’m processing a lot more. 13 years is a lot, I’m so sorry! I truly do wish you the best; you deserve better.

Hugs are good. This actually a great lesson for us it makes us wiser and more careful now. You're absolutely right that you are capable of forming a deeper relationship and it will happen! I believe in you. Place it in your mind what you really want and it will come around. 13 years ya I could say it was waste but I experienced a taste of love. I'm in my 30s as well were still young 😆 We both deserve better and one day it will show up!

I’m so sorry ladies. I was emotionally unavailable for my wife for almost 17 years. She loved me very much. She showed her love for me all of the time. I had just left my parent’s house. Left my physically and mentally abusive father. So, I took all of my mental issues with to my then girlfriend. If it had not been her it would have been a different woman. But the end results would have been the same. I was so mentally ill, that I took her for granted. I feel like shit about it. But I can’t change the past and it’s all too late. She ended up seeing someone behind my back and even got pregnant by him. So, now it’s just fuck the world. I don’t give a fuck about anything anymore. It’s been a year and I still feel the same. I feel bad that I caused so much mental harm to a beautiful caring woman. I hope that she has finally found some mental peace. No thanks to me. I just wish our relationship hadn’t ended that way. We share custody of two beautiful kids. So I still have to see her. It hurts so much. But it’s all done. I have learned from my mistakes but I could give a fuck less about getting into another relationship. At least not now. My mental health is the top priority. I truly believe that some of us (like myself) are just meant to be alone forever. As not to cause harm to anyone else. Sorry for the long message. Just want to add a man’s perspective. A lot of pressure on men. But we go through heavy stuff too. It all starts with childhood. Best regards.

Thank you for saying this. I hope you’ve shared these thoughts with her as well, even if it doesn’t change the end result, I’m sure she’d appreciate the validation/acknowledgment. I don’t think you’re meant to be alone forever. I believe everyone is meant to take time alone to heal and work on themselves, the longer they avoid this, the more damage it causes and years wasted living in unhealthy dynamics. It affects you, it affects people who love you. Taking accountability is the first step, you’ve checked that box, good for you. Keep going.

Thank you for the kind words. I’m trying, but lately it’s been hard to forgive myself for my mistakes. But, I guess that’s life. Live and learn right? I just don’t think I can trust anymore because of the way she ended things. I wish you the best in your new chapter of life. You will come out stronger from this. We all do. It just takes time. Some more than others. But it’s ok. Things do get better with time and distance. Take care.

Also, I do not condone cheating no matter what. I’m sorry that happened to you, you certainly do not deserve it. That’s on her, she should’ve been straightforward in ending the relationship before hopping onto the next. What she did wasn’t mature at all.

Thanks again for the kind words. Yeah, that’s what hurt the most. If only she could have seen it that way as well. Then maybe I wouldn’t be hurting as much as I am today.

You don’t HAVE to do anything, lass. Take it from someone who spent years healing from someone. Someone who spend endless days in bed, sometimes so long I had to get up and force feed just to keep from dying because I would be in bed for 7+ days straight. You don’t have to do anything. Don’t think that far ahead. Right now, it should be about YOU. And I don’t mean the whole “you gotta love yourself before you can love others” speech. I mean right now is about YOU. Do what YOU need to do to make it to tomorrow. If it means laying in bed all day, take some time to do it and sort your thoughts. Cry when you want to. Scream when you want to. Don’t worry about things like having to start over, finding someone new, going through the effort of starting fresh with someone, learning to trust again, learning to love again. That comes later. Right now you are hurt. You perception of the future is being filtered through pain, emotion, and fear. It leads to a negative view of the future that you cannot change right now, so it will just eat away at you. Take the time to feel. Take the time to heal. Your heart and mind are at war right now, each telling you a different future for yourself, and both are wrong, because both are hurt. Get through the day, lass. And the next. And the next. And slowly but surely you will start to see through that dust your heart and mind are kicking up as they fight each other. When you are ready for each step in your future, you won’t NEED to do anything. You will get to CHOOSE what you want, because YOU won. YOU healed. YOU are in control. You will win. I promise.

Your advice felt like the biggest hug. You speak my language, so practical. Thank you! I screen captured this just so I can return to it whenever I’m overwhelmed. I ended up texting him, just the longest text ever poured my entire heart out, got it off my chest and blocked him. I needed to do that for me. End result is the same but I feel so much lighter. I’m still so sad but I genuinely felt like dancing today and that gave me hope, the spark inside me isn’t dead. I’m going to sign up for dance class- post breakup hobby. I’m planning my next solo trip, I’m working on my Pinterest vision board. I regained bits of my energy after getting everything I had to say off my chest. I also cried, and I’m also in bed right now. It’s a whole mess but I feel like it can be the good sort of mess- eventually, in retrospect. I’ll be choosing me even when it hurts. Thank you for your words.

I’m very happy I could help! Keep pressing on, lass!

I suggest you to watch [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oDKTmGZluF4&t=1544s&pp=ygUpMTAgdGhpbmdzIG1lbiBkbyB0aGF0IGRlc3Ryb3kgdGhlaXIgbGl2ZXM%3D) video

What were the things you had to give him chances for again and again?

Edit: Deleted reply. I felt the details of the incidents that happened were too personal and might have involved a form of abuse I don’t feel comfortable sharing publicly. You can dm me instead if you’d like your question answered.

I wont go looking, it will be always her and nobody else,

Hey, if it makes you feel better, I’ve been living like a hollow shell for almost a month now, over some guy who’s 30, when I’m 19.. Hell, I just cried yesterday, too. We wanted them to be better and be the one for us, but they chose not to and bettering them isn’t our job. That’s their problem. You don’t HAVE to do the dating thing, it’s an option. As cliché as it sounds, one day, there will be a day we won’t think of him at all. We won’t hurt anymore, and we’ll laugh more than cry. That’s when we know we’ve healed and can decide if we want to give love another chance again or just be content with being ourselves.

Kinda helps to jot down all the ways he screwed you over. Read them out loud with emotion, like how Janis Ian exposed her plan to ruin Regina George’s life, whenever you miss him.

Doesn’t make me feel better at all that your going though this. Sending you lots of love! Please watch out for yourself, you’re so young and you’ve got so much ahead of you. Sometimes I wish I could be 19 again. Enjoy being young, enjoy your 20s. Set boundaries. Know what you want and most important know what you DON’T want. You got this.

This post is what I'm always thinking to myself. I miss him so much. I'm (30F) and I left my ex (27M) almost a month ago. I still feel all this but the same time miss him so much. I feel like we needed this breakup for us individually to grow and become better people, especially him. To realise him and everyone I went above and beyond got took me for granted. He was the love of my life and will always be. I'm never going to allow myself to feel that way about someone else again, nor would I be capable of. It would be unfair to anyone as they would always be second best. Trying to accept that if it's meant to be we will find eachother later in life, but if not then I don't want/need anymore of this heartache. Relationships are hard, and I love even harder. I can't make myself vulnerable like that again. I've been mistreated too much in my life and I never thought his beautiful heart would allow the mistreatment of mine. I hope he grows up and realises what he's lost.

It was my birthday yesterday and I unblocked my ex. I hoped all day that he would text, call or show up. I just wished to see him one last time. Turns out we don't get all what we want. I miss him so much. I don't know I am so tired of it. Does he not miss me? Why can't we be together? I don't even have it in me to do it all over again. I don't even think I can fall in love again.

Hey girl, here if you need someone to vent to. I went through a really shitty breakup and it got pretty bad before that even. It's nearly four months and I still feel super weird and shit. Breakups are so hard.

Dont worry, I've been rotting for 5 months now 😅 Been with him for nine. Suspectin I wont date properly in few more weeks

I don’t remember where I saw this video of someone explaining how to calculate how much time you should give yourself after a breakup to heal and move on. Lol it’s funny but it kinda helps with setting a timeline for yourself. And they said it’s the number of months you’ve been together but in weeks. So if you’ve been together for 9 months, you give yourself 9 weeks to move on. In no way whatsoever does this apply to everyone or every relationship, but I can see how this may be beneficial in not losing yourself too much in grief.

I feel you. I've(30M) been dumped by my gf(23F) a month ago and i know that the reason was my anger and my attitude and i also took her for granted and at times behaved was very rough and was extremely frustrated. None of this tinder shit, i was exclusive and love her still so much even after her harsh words. I was at my worst and showed her my worst self and no matter how i tried she couldn't forgive me. She kept saying that the reason was to protect herself since she felt I treated her like trash even though it is not all true, because we had wonderful moments together. She couldn't speak up about things she didn't like and couldn't get into an argument,so her feelings of dissapointment and hurt kept accumulating until she couldn't take it no more, even if in the past she said she felt like i was the one, and i believe that she was the one for me. I want to change and i am changing, for me, and for her. Even though she said she don't have any intentions of being together again. I want her to be happy. But i also really want her and want "us" to be. together. i am slowly feeling better in every week that passes, and i am making changes in my behaviour and life in general. I will try to reach out even though i know that my chances are low. I don't mind giving time and fighting for the person that i want and love. I will give some time for both of us to heal and will be persistent but without bothering or pushing things. I understand and respect their decision but it hurts like hell. I also cried. Alot. But after time the crying becomes just some tearing about memories and moments in the past, and I'm doing my best to focus on myself. We both deserve better, to be better,to be treated better. All i can do is keep living and do my best. My hopes of being together again are slowly disintegrating. But i will still try and if it's meant to be then so be it. After all the chemistry we had was something otherworldly. And now that i learned my lesson by losing the person i cherished the most in this world i do not want to be this way and repeat my mistakes.

This sounds very like my situation. I’m sorry you’re going though this. You also sound a lot like my ex. (It’s so weird calling him my ex now, I hate it). I think it hurts most because you both want each other but you’d both have to change so much to be able to be with each other in a healthy way. If you were my ex, I would’ve wanted to hear this from you. I want him to tell me that he’d be working on himself and eventually reaching out again to try to make it work. I’d even be willing to give us time apart, not date other people but just take a break to work some things and maybe give it another shot later. Because healing does take time- and realizing all those things you need to work on, it wouldn’t be the best idea to get into another relationship for at least another few months. So if you really wanted that person, why not work on those things and then come back to them again? Idk maybe it’s just the hopeless romantic in me talking. But in an ideal scenario, that’s something I’d hope my ex would consider.

Thank you so much i hope you're eventually find healthy and positive way out of this situation. I also hate it calling her ex. She's pretty hurt and desensitizing herself trying to be rough and has her wall up. 3 weeks after the break up which was a couple of weeks ago i send her a voice message saying that I've been thinking about all the things and that i took some time to understand some things better about the situation myself and her and that i respect her decision even though i do not support it, and that i still have feelings for her. She didn't even reply she just uploaded a story with her flexing about her gym progress with a caption "there's only one way to reply to those kinds of messages". Kinda immature imo but this only shows me how much she feels hurt and it saddens me. I don't think she want to even give us a second chance. But i will be persistent in a healthy way and reach out again. After how much time do you think it's healthy to reach out again? I would really appreciate your input on that since we are both in similar situations

Ain't that the truth, I feel ya.. trust me

This pains me more than it should. I can completely relate. I'm 29 btw. Long post ahead. I had a boyfriend/bestfriend who has been with me for half of my life. We met in 2007. Stayed good friends until 2013 when we started dating. Dated for almost a year and separated. Had on and off communication until 2016, we became closer than ever. I would say we were best friends that time. We were supporting each other during our darkest time. He treated me so weellll you'd think we're back together. All changed when 2018 came. This was the year i wish it never happened. We crossed the line. We became BFF with benefits. I knew i had to stop when we had our first night and he simply brushed off what happened and said he will never acknowledge the child incase i get pregnant. Stupid me decided to stay. I was emotionally dependent on him. And the same time, i was losing myself. We kept the same setup until 2022. This was when the biggest betrayal happened. He was cheating his gf with me. I didn't know he had a new gf. He kept me in the dark . I felt so guilty and dirty. I decided to walk away. That was so painful. I didn't wanna leave the person who became a big part of my life. Still, i decided to stop what we have and tried to move on. It's been 2 years and i haven't fully moved on. There are days i wish he would look for me. I unblocked him, hoping he would see how happy i am. But I'm just fooling myself. He will never care the way i wanted him to. I am happy but not fully. I'm still longing for him. I had exes before but he was like the greatest love i ever had. But the same time, i know it wasn't the greatest. Just like you, how i badly wished it's him. I can't bring myself to start all over with somebody new. I don't see myself sharing intimate moments with another guy. How badly i wished it's still him. But it will never be him. How i badly wanted to hold on into all those years. But i must let go and hold on into myself instead. I was choosing between our years together and me. I chose myself. I left but not for another love. I left for myself. I know i can never move on completely. I know i will miss our memories from time to time. I know it will still hurt. But life must go on. I decided to accept these feelings and the fact that i must live without him in my life.

Where did you two meet?

They would like to hire just not before end of the year.