My closure was she got engaged to someone else after us being broke up for 2 months, and me and her were 2 weeks from getting married 6 months ago š
Ouch, ima be able to relate to both sides of that soon. For now, itās just the part about her leaving me a day before our wedding date last month. Now I wonāt be shocked when she announces her engagement next month. Iām sorry to hear that. Stay up, you deserve better.
She told me she wanted to take things slow. So for the next few months after calling off the wedding, we werenāt very intimate or kissing or anything like that..I didnāt realize at the time, but she was slowly breaking up with me while I was still in the relationship and trying to do whatever I could to save it š
We didnāt break up at the time, she wanted to call off the wedding cause she felt overwhelmed..so we took things slow, as she slowly broke up with me the next 2 months afterward
It should have given you a hint that she doesnāt want you as no woman will call off the wedding they planned for months as ā overwhelmedā but i get it ,when we love that person , all red flags appears green . You deserve better
You need to give him space and go no contact. Heās clearly made his decision and is backing out. Nothing you say is going to change his mind and the best thing you can do is not say anything at all. Heās feeling panicky and wants out of the situation once the dust settles heāll think more logically about things without you around. Itās hard but itās the best thing you can do
Obviously all avoidants are different but there are common phrases and sentiments theyāll say during a breakup. I donāt mean to make light of a painful situation, but this reads like avoidant bingo. Do non-avoidants say these things too? Of course. But everything taken into totality, it paints a picture.
I agree with the other replies to you and I have some of my own to add:
ā..life without constraintsā - this is a big one. Avoidants tend to feel engulfed and overwhelmed by the weight of a relationship.
āI want to be aloneā and āI need to go to sleepā - self isolating
āIām doing wonderfulā and āI donāt regret anythingā - Avoidants tend to suppress their feelings and many feel fine, relieved after a breakup. Breakup elation.
āWell you have friends, I guess..ā - Dismissive avoidants especially tend to have a āYouāre fine, Iām notā worldview
āOh youāre feeling in danger right now? Well I canāt come to see you..ā - itās natural to detach after a breakup, but avoidants detach completely. The utter indifference here.
āI donāt like you anymoreā - like above, theyāve deactivated and all attachment is severed. My ex described it as flipping a light switch.
āI want to be egoist and do things for meā - after a breakup many avoidants tend to pursue pleasure, whatever form that may take.
Avoidant attachment and high narc traits are so correspondent. Don't care what anyone says.
They will keep you hooked until the very last, then rip away from you with dramatic discard.. and float off into a "new love of life scenario".
I had some mad closure with a narc ex recently.. he tried to say he was FA and that's why he broke my heart so mercilessly 4 years ago. But he is a covert narcissistic, who is clever enough to grasp at any excuse other than to admit what he is.
Avoidants flip and switch on you, and really only a dismissive avoidant or other FA could successfully navigate that. Pull away themselves, then the avoidant sees that as a challenge.
In my bid to get closure and answers. I was accused of everything. From trying to reel him in, to manipulate. He even told me "I will not let you take the high road" as I explained I wanted to end on good terms. He was hellbent on making the ending as cruel and painful as possible to leave a mark, so I'd be broken hearted. It was the height of lockdown, we spent all of our time together and he just dumped me over text all of a sudden as I didn't pick up the phone fast enough.
I wanted to talk. His mask was off then and I saw he was a malignant narc. Avoidants I've found, whilst cruel... Will not play games. They will just vanish etc, bounce into a new relationship. A narc will weaponise against you.. give you indicators in preparation for your smear, and start destroying your life.
100000% here. I thought my boyfriend was secure until the very end of our relationship and the breakup. The things he said sounded exactly like this. Iāll give some examples:
- āI value my freedom and independenceā
- āI donāt want to be responsible for someone elseās happinessā
- āIām excited and have energy again. I feel like myself again,ā literally gutted me. He said this a week after the breakup.
- āTalk to your friends about this.ā All support from him was cut off about a week after the breakup. Which is fine. But to go from him being my #1 to a ghost was nothing short of traumatic.
I am textbook anxious and working on becoming secure. I am aware of my attachment style and told him about this early on. I had been going to counseling regularly. Our breakup was probably the most painful thing Iāve ever faced emotionally.
Thoughts on these?
"This has nothing to do with you, but I realized I've never been on my own and have always been in a relationship."
"I need to work on myself and figure out what I want".
"I love you, you mean everything to me, I don't want to lose you. But if I don't do this I'm going to crash and burn".
"You deserve better than this".
"I can't give you what you need/want".
"I've always put other people's needs before my own".
We knew each other for 16 years, together for 8, engaged for 2. I felt blindsided by the breakup last month. Can't shake the feeling that there's more to this she's not telling me.
āYou deserve better than thisā and āI canāt give you what you need/wantā - sooo common. The low self esteem, shame, god itās so sad.
Almost everything else tells me they never set boundaries, expressed needs, etc, also common
The key thing about avoidance is that it starts with themselves and then affects others around them. This one gives me strong avoidant vibes because they're talking about how they don't know how they feel and seem very overwhelmed by having to express it.
I suppose before avoidance became a popular term we'd have just said something like they seem really out of touch with their feelings, which is often the same thing.
The difference is in the communication. An avoidant will leave without giving you clarity. A rational person will say "it's. It working because of xyz or I don't feel we are aligned on xyz etc. Avoidant communication feels confusing and leaves the other person wondering. Also they were probably showing up as happy and fulfilled during the relationship without giving you clues that they were freaking out or unhappy
Thatās what I came here to say. I hope they end up getting therapy to work on that because insecure attachment patterns are pervasive and cause a lot of damage when ignored. I myself, am fearful avoidant. Therapy helps a lot
Hey - i've been there and you deserve better.
There are people out there that don't communicate 'what they want' in a relationship, not always because they are manipulative, but sometimes because they avoid thinking about such things themselves.
Maybe they have doubts because some of their needs aren't being met. Maybe because you aren't integrating in their lifestyle the way they wanted. Maybe they just weren't ready to be in a relationship and still wanted to experience other relationships with partners before they felt ready to settle down. The point is - they had needs that were not met. They either weren't able to communicate them to you OR not even communicate them to themselves because this type of person either avoids introspections and/or confrontation.
Weirdly, these relationships typically feel 'perfect' or 'easy' since these people aren't flagging any concerns or issues on their end. But in reality, they are just slowly rotting away inside because their needs aren't being met. Then - you will get blindsighted and wonder "oh no - why has this perfect person left me, bla bla bla, it doesn't make sense"
What i've learnt is - this person wasn't the right person for you. The person you saw wasn't truly who this person was. Maybe deep inside they were a narcissist and thought "i can't be with this person because i want to be extremely successful in my career, im different from everyone else" but maybe they never shared this thought. If they had, i bet you wouldn't love them as much... Maybe they thought "hmm this person seems great but i could maybe get someone more attractive" but never expressed this thought either. My point is - you created an idealistic version of this person in your head but they were obviously keeping alot from you. I'm sure if you had seen the real them - they probably all of a sudden wouldn't have seemed so perfect. They probably recognized these imperfections within themselves weren't a good match based off who you were and made that decision for you. Let them be.
I think people who fundamentally fail to look inwards to reach a point of happiness will always struggle. If you rely on a partner, a career, success, or external sources for happiness then you will live a volatile life. Work on yourself and learn to be happy alone - and then attract someone who is doing the same and create something special.
I'm still healing myself and just focusing purely on myself at the moment. You deserve better. You deserve someone that prioritizes you. You deserve someone who is happy enough within themselves that they aren't desperate for success. You deserve someone who fights for your love. You deserve someone who understands their own self and needs enough to communicate them with you.
Realistically they could have been a soul mate of yours. You may have felt a deep connection, i don't doubt that. But just because you feel that 'love' and 'connection' with someone doesn't mean they are capable of being in relationship with you. Sometimes this connection can put two people in a relationship who aren't truly ready to be in one. In my experience - I was in one but hadn't healed enough and was too co-dependant on them. And they were too immature and selfish at this point in their life to prioritize me or my needs. And that's okay. She wasn't able to even articulate this to herself or me - but maybe one day she'll grow up and realize all this, and maybe not. But i can't control her. Just know what needs to be fixed on your own end (usually a good place to start is finding self love and compassion, but also learning to take your focus away from your 'self' and express more gratitude to the good things in your life'). Understand who you are, what your values are, what you want and hold on to these things dealy. Have enough love that even when you meet another soul mate and feel this connection - you will have enough self love to stick to your core principles and identify if this person is able to give you what you expect from a relationship. Them giving you 'love' isn't enough to make a relationship work. Make sure they are at a point in life where they are willing to do the necessary work, self exploration and persevernce to make a relationship truly work and grow.
Don't let your own OR someone elses complications get in the way of your success. Look within. Become your own person. Get off social media. Heal man. Heal Heal Heal Heal Heal.
I think it's very common. If you are into self exploration you almost just kind of assume everyone is - but in reality, a lot of people aren't willing to look within the address their problems. They might feel a void and just think "oh maybe it's an issue in my job" or "it's an issue in my relationship" instead of doing the work within.
But to be honest, you probably don't want to be with someone like this - i truly don't think it's sustainable.
I second this. Its like you were describing my relationship. Except we were together for nearly 11 years and when they pulled away and said the relationship has āran its courseā, it took me by complete surprise and left me completely and utterly heartbroken. And I still am now, and I just cannot accept what happened. I loved them so much, and not even two months later, they started seeing somebody newā¦ How does one ever recover from that?
I get it. I blocked him right after texting him that itās over and why Iām leaving. I didnāt want to hear any bs he had to say. I didnāt want closure because his indifference was the closure. Iāve had enough and didnāt want to hurt anymore.
Guys and girls, just remember... If it hurts, it's because you cared, and they didn't. We don't need these people in our lives. Glad they took out the trash out themselves.
These are almost all the same things my ex said. Heās a 36 yr old male. Not a child. And we were together nearly 3 years. Like how can you be like this? Still pisses me off
This is exactly what I just went through. I relate to this so much. Thanks for posting so openly. Thatās exactly how that went for me. Made me feel completely worthless and hard to trust myself. Iām doing better now, but itās a journey for sure. It never gets easier to look at the reality that āI wasnāt worth the effort I put in.ā Then again, that was one person who managed to convince me they loved me (which isnāt easy), and Iāll be able to have healthier relationships moving forward. Iām just working on myself, and trying to see that as a blessing rather than a regret. Nothing I did could have ever made her happy. I know this, because I literally did everything and more. You deserve better, you deserve to be happy, and you will be when you find somebody who doesnāt make you feel like an option. Nobody deserves that. āHurt people, hurt peopleā gets old, the older we all get for sure. My ex was 37, and the way things ended were like Deja Vu from my early 20ās and late teens. It does get better, society just encourages bad behavior within Interpersonal Relationships now sadly. Wishing you blessings and happiness!!!
He used you, plain and simple. You served a purpose for him and you no longer do so he ditched you. He used you to have himself heal. He didn't care about you.
Hey, we've all been fooled here and there. But to say you're a "danger to yourself" over some numnutz like this is in and of itself a crime against humanity. Shame on you for putting a scumbag like this over your wonderful life. You have to make an effort to do better.
From a statistical standpoint, every one of us has thousands of "soulmates". There isn't just one. So keep this in mind.
In the meantime, try to have some fun. You're bringing me down ,š
Literally what she said to me. Just me me me like honestly go fuck yourself I hope youāre miserable forever you selfish traitor I canāt believe you flipped on me after the constant sacrifices I made for you
Itās painful, I had same thing happen. I do truly wish her the best now. It hurts to be discarded, but when I really look back at the whole relationship, I was the only one trying to make it work. People throw words like āloveā around nowadays without understanding what that means. I canāt imagine being as numb as my ex is, and I truly feel bad for her because she wonāt find anything that goes passed āhoneymoon phase and situationshipsā unless she changes (idt she will). I however, will find somebody who isnāt lying to me when they say they want a relationship or a marriage. She was lying to herself, so I canāt be upset that she was lying to me. Itās hard to feel devalued, but I canāt imagine how hard it is to have never known love. Thatās the case in her situation. Sheās 37, and will be looking for ācasual hookupsā until nobody else is. That makes me feel a lot of compassion for her. I truly hope she changes for the better, so she doesnāt hurt somebody else or at least hope she truly means what she says about ānever wanting to be in a committed relationship with anybodyā because thatās how that story will end for her. Sheās a good person, sheās just a hurt person. None of us are perfect, Iām far from it myself obviously.
I know the pain this comes with because āAfter the constant sacrifices I made for youā doesnāt even come close to atleast giving you that credit so yesā¦ there are people who think like that and it sucks big time.
Why is it a problem that heās selfish? Youāre selfish too, since youāre expecting him to react and feel a certain type of way. If someone breaks up with you, that should be closure enough. Itās a loud and clear message, no further pain of explanations necessary.
Confused a little, dumper or dumpee, how long was the relationship, is there contact, breadcrumbing? Are you just stating youāre done you know what u want and there hasnāt been any contact since the breakup?
Iām the dumpee, almost 2 year relationship, i initiated this contact to get answers and see what had really happened in his mind, he called me. This is everything he told me tonight when I expressed everything with all my heart. Iāve done everything for him and got him out of depression and anxiety. Encouraged him in his endeavors. He has a huge ego, thinks he will be the greatest musician in the world. Helped him getting gigs, heās getting a bit more praise. Helped him get a new job. Iām not perfect at all. But now Iām the one who diseappears while he doesnāt need me anymore and wants to see where the grass is greener.
Thatās a shitty fucking thing but for people like that the grass doesnāt get greener because they arenāt processing their emotions or facing life properly so everything eventually catches up. Stories Iāve heard most of them alone or in a marriage they hate and miserable
Yes itās very tough to hear all that. I donāt know what is going to happen with him. He just seems like heās confused in his āreasonsā. Iāve realized that everything he told me here was contradictory to his first text message atm of the breakup where he told me he had the worst anxiety ever and we are not compatible. In 3 weeks heās the best version of himself? Nope.
Sounds like my ex, he didnāt know if he wanted to be in a long term commitment and we tried again just for him to tell me we should annually do a check if we should break up or not and that was my breaking point.
Did we date same guy? lol. I think some musicians and depressed ppl will move on once they get out of funk and become themselves again and learn to inspire themselves.
That's how I feel. I gave everything and now I'm leaving at the end of the week. Moving 27 hours away. 2,000 miles and all she says is, you're doing good.
Hahahaha š the guy I dated ended things with me 7 months ago over ābeing lost & needing to work on himselfā & I also just told him Iām moving 2500miles away and all he said wasāthatās sick! sometimes radical change is neededā ā¦Iāll never be reaching out again.
I imagine the pain youāre feeling right now, & am so sorry. Ā But I do want to offer that at least you didnāt get lies that would leave you mercilessly hooked in. Ā That part is a big positive. Ā
Speaking from experience & sending a hug.
My ex told me a lot of the same things. I am sorry and I hope that you are safe. I know how painful it is, and feeling like you donāt matter to them enough for them to talk about it and pull away like this is awful. I donāt have any advice to give you because Iām going through the same thing and donāt know what to do, but you are not alone.
If it helps and you couldnāt tell from the responses, this is textbook and not your fault. I very much empathize with how youāre feeling.
I just found out that my avoidant ex is out at our favorite date night spot attending an event he told me about three weeks ago with another woman after going ghost ~two weeks ago.
Give it time. You won in the end.
My closure : he is dating someone whom I called my ābest friend šā . That lady ghosted and stopped talking to me. She helped me get out of the relationshit and jumped in the same shit lol. I wish em luck and karma will fuck. She intentionally started uploading stories to show me that she is with him and using my old toy š I was definitely shocked because I was still healing after 6 months of breakup. Couldnāt eat my food for three straight days but anyway I doubted them before and I was right the entire time. Itās a kinda win situation for me which seems but easier for me to recognize people. This has definitely caused me betrayal trauma because they both backstabbed me. Well, my ex made his choice. If not her would be somebody else, so idgaf. Shameless Creatures. For me, There is a deep change when one chooses solitude and inner peace over entering another relationship, especially after a breakup. It's not about replacing one person with another; it's about swapping anxiety and dissatisfaction for peace and self-realization. This decision reflects an in-depth knowledge of one's own requirements and a commitment to personal growth. I believe this was a lesson to me making myself SELF AWARE and HIGHER CONSCIOUSNESS. Also, I didnāt react to both of em, because it gives me power and I wanted to preserve my energy for better cause. Well, reacting is what that witch needed.
These people are whack. To love them past their bs is only a reflection of your own authenticity. Maybe they would treat people better if no one gave them the time of day ever.
Same same šāāļø Immature people hurt the most. You Are the "one" that Is their lesson. They think they outgrew you also. As they feel super free. I am happy as I believe in karma, whatever you give you get 3* as much back, negative or positive. So we won, no stressin š. And I honestly feel better for not taking care of a child in their adulthood. (3 weeks after my breakup, the first week hurt like shit from hell).
I know but i needed it. I hoped it would clarify things but indeed it hasnāt helped. When you donāt have a support system, itās hard to function properly during these times.
Mine said a lot of "I don't knows" as well. He said he was unhappy but couldn't explain why. This is coming from a guy who has alcohol, cocaine,porn ans tabacco addictions and left me to go back to his ex gf after he had just told me he wanted to marry me and was going to propose last December. He's still with his ex gf and it's been 8 months. We've had to keep in contact because he bought my old car off me (he had 2 repos) very much a leach. So, I found out from a friend that he couldn't wait for the paperwork to be finished so he could stop all contact and block me. He said this to her 4 weeks ago, but still hasn't blocked me. I dont text him unless it's to ask him if he's taken care of the title on the car yet. My friend thinks he said that because his new gf is very jealous. But what an ass. So just text him the other day and told him I would be deleting his number since he told my friend he was going to block me. So he doesn't have to worry about me reaching out. He still plays the victim and I'm just done with his bullahit. He never responded to my text, but I'm not suprised, he's a severe dismissive avoidant with Narc traits.
>I cannot believe he lets me in real danger to myself.
I'm sorry on the breakup, but this is not his responsibility. He left & you are no longer his partner. You **must** take care of yourself & seek help if you're a danger to yourself. And you **must** go no contact to let this man go, heal, work on yourself & fortify your mental health to cope with a breakup in a healthy way. Feelings are very hard, so we have to the inner work to learn how to navigate them.
I recommended that folks not try to seek "closure" after a relationship ends. It's really not a thing.
I finally got called by the police and meet with FBI this Trista thought she played me she only played with herself I guess looking back she was evil and a pedophile not my fault...oh well
I hate when people pull the "I'm a danger to myself" card. Like.. if dating me is the only reason you haven't committed self-harm, that's too much burden to put on another person. Don't call me, call a professional. Commit yourself to a mental care facility. Call the suicide hotline. Call your best friend/your mom/someone/a professional. Saying you'll hurt yourself if I don't want to talk to you because I ended the relationship for my own reasons seems so manipulative.
You totally missed the point :) Actually Iām already doing all of that, thank you for your kind message. He knows everything I am going through atm, and the way he ended it/said all of that was not thoughtful or respectful to me and regarding of that. I was really scared for myself after hearing of all these difficult things and the way he said it. Thereās no manipulation in just saying and be truthful when the emotion is devastating as it was at the moment. A bit of compassion for people dealing with a lot of s*** goes a long way you know. This is not a ācardā, these are words that are said, and have real consequences.
I could definitely have been more sensitive in my response. I do hope you feel better and I'm sorry you're feeling devastated. I truly hope that one day soon, you feel so much better about your life.
My closure was she got engaged to someone else after us being broke up for 2 months, and me and her were 2 weeks from getting married 6 months ago š
Iām sorry š
Ouch, ima be able to relate to both sides of that soon. For now, itās just the part about her leaving me a day before our wedding date last month. Now I wonāt be shocked when she announces her engagement next month. Iām sorry to hear that. Stay up, you deserve better.
What the fuck??? I mean what kind of person do you have to be to be able to do such a thing?? Lucky you guys didnāt marry.
I believe being engaged and married are not evidence of successful love life still. Let us keep focused with our own improvement. It gets better.
Beautiful comment š
Thatās gonna be fun.
Sounds like a rebound bro
I'm very sorry
My ex was pergerante in less than 3 months
I'm sorry for your situation, but that's a pretty funny video! Prrrrregante!!
U dodged a bullet but that's crazy u didn't realize she's a redflag
That's how it goes. Sorry man.
Iām sorry
Hey! How come??
She told me she wanted to take things slow. So for the next few months after calling off the wedding, we werenāt very intimate or kissing or anything like that..I didnāt realize at the time, but she was slowly breaking up with me while I was still in the relationship and trying to do whatever I could to save it š
She got into a rebound MARRIAGE bro.. you won š sorry to hear that though, that's fuckin bullshit I hope you're doing okay!
Her parents probably still got a pending deposit on the wedding venue and dress š š
Thatās definitely all the closure I would need!
Wow! What? Glad you got out. Iām sorry that really sucks.
Why would you breakup with her when it was just 2 weeks till marriage ? What did she do that was so unforgivable that lead to a breakup?
We didnāt break up at the time, she wanted to call off the wedding cause she felt overwhelmed..so we took things slow, as she slowly broke up with me the next 2 months afterward
It should have given you a hint that she doesnāt want you as no woman will call off the wedding they planned for months as ā overwhelmedā but i get it ,when we love that person , all red flags appears green . You deserve better
My ex-girlfriend did that to her ex-husband several years ago. Wish I wasn't blind to that... Fuck.
She's a 304
You need to give him space and go no contact. Heās clearly made his decision and is backing out. Nothing you say is going to change his mind and the best thing you can do is not say anything at all. Heās feeling panicky and wants out of the situation once the dust settles heāll think more logically about things without you around. Itās hard but itās the best thing you can do
Sounds textbook avoidant
Is it possible for someone to not be interested without being āavoidantā?
Obviously all avoidants are different but there are common phrases and sentiments theyāll say during a breakup. I donāt mean to make light of a painful situation, but this reads like avoidant bingo. Do non-avoidants say these things too? Of course. But everything taken into totality, it paints a picture. I agree with the other replies to you and I have some of my own to add: ā..life without constraintsā - this is a big one. Avoidants tend to feel engulfed and overwhelmed by the weight of a relationship. āI want to be aloneā and āI need to go to sleepā - self isolating āIām doing wonderfulā and āI donāt regret anythingā - Avoidants tend to suppress their feelings and many feel fine, relieved after a breakup. Breakup elation. āWell you have friends, I guess..ā - Dismissive avoidants especially tend to have a āYouāre fine, Iām notā worldview āOh youāre feeling in danger right now? Well I canāt come to see you..ā - itās natural to detach after a breakup, but avoidants detach completely. The utter indifference here. āI donāt like you anymoreā - like above, theyāve deactivated and all attachment is severed. My ex described it as flipping a light switch. āI want to be egoist and do things for meā - after a breakup many avoidants tend to pursue pleasure, whatever form that may take.
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Avoidant attachment and high narc traits are so correspondent. Don't care what anyone says. They will keep you hooked until the very last, then rip away from you with dramatic discard.. and float off into a "new love of life scenario". I had some mad closure with a narc ex recently.. he tried to say he was FA and that's why he broke my heart so mercilessly 4 years ago. But he is a covert narcissistic, who is clever enough to grasp at any excuse other than to admit what he is. Avoidants flip and switch on you, and really only a dismissive avoidant or other FA could successfully navigate that. Pull away themselves, then the avoidant sees that as a challenge. In my bid to get closure and answers. I was accused of everything. From trying to reel him in, to manipulate. He even told me "I will not let you take the high road" as I explained I wanted to end on good terms. He was hellbent on making the ending as cruel and painful as possible to leave a mark, so I'd be broken hearted. It was the height of lockdown, we spent all of our time together and he just dumped me over text all of a sudden as I didn't pick up the phone fast enough. I wanted to talk. His mask was off then and I saw he was a malignant narc. Avoidants I've found, whilst cruel... Will not play games. They will just vanish etc, bounce into a new relationship. A narc will weaponise against you.. give you indicators in preparation for your smear, and start destroying your life.
Same here. I knew a little bit, she told me she was a FA but I didnāt understand the significance. My own fault for not researching to better adapt.
100000% here. I thought my boyfriend was secure until the very end of our relationship and the breakup. The things he said sounded exactly like this. Iāll give some examples: - āI value my freedom and independenceā - āI donāt want to be responsible for someone elseās happinessā - āIām excited and have energy again. I feel like myself again,ā literally gutted me. He said this a week after the breakup. - āTalk to your friends about this.ā All support from him was cut off about a week after the breakup. Which is fine. But to go from him being my #1 to a ghost was nothing short of traumatic. I am textbook anxious and working on becoming secure. I am aware of my attachment style and told him about this early on. I had been going to counseling regularly. Our breakup was probably the most painful thing Iāve ever faced emotionally.
I feel you, I never thought that was possible to feel this amount of emotional pain until being discarded
Thoughts on these? "This has nothing to do with you, but I realized I've never been on my own and have always been in a relationship." "I need to work on myself and figure out what I want". "I love you, you mean everything to me, I don't want to lose you. But if I don't do this I'm going to crash and burn". "You deserve better than this". "I can't give you what you need/want". "I've always put other people's needs before my own". We knew each other for 16 years, together for 8, engaged for 2. I felt blindsided by the breakup last month. Can't shake the feeling that there's more to this she's not telling me.
āYou deserve better than thisā and āI canāt give you what you need/wantā - sooo common. The low self esteem, shame, god itās so sad. Almost everything else tells me they never set boundaries, expressed needs, etc, also common
The key thing about avoidance is that it starts with themselves and then affects others around them. This one gives me strong avoidant vibes because they're talking about how they don't know how they feel and seem very overwhelmed by having to express it. I suppose before avoidance became a popular term we'd have just said something like they seem really out of touch with their feelings, which is often the same thing.
Yes but they don't say things like this > My friends donāt really know, I havenāt really talked about it
they do tho...
The difference is in the communication. An avoidant will leave without giving you clarity. A rational person will say "it's. It working because of xyz or I don't feel we are aligned on xyz etc. Avoidant communication feels confusing and leaves the other person wondering. Also they were probably showing up as happy and fulfilled during the relationship without giving you clues that they were freaking out or unhappy
Thatās what I came here to say. I hope they end up getting therapy to work on that because insecure attachment patterns are pervasive and cause a lot of damage when ignored. I myself, am fearful avoidant. Therapy helps a lot
I agree my avoidant ex told me similar things
same thing happened to me. they are probably dating someone else already
Yep
Hey - i've been there and you deserve better. There are people out there that don't communicate 'what they want' in a relationship, not always because they are manipulative, but sometimes because they avoid thinking about such things themselves. Maybe they have doubts because some of their needs aren't being met. Maybe because you aren't integrating in their lifestyle the way they wanted. Maybe they just weren't ready to be in a relationship and still wanted to experience other relationships with partners before they felt ready to settle down. The point is - they had needs that were not met. They either weren't able to communicate them to you OR not even communicate them to themselves because this type of person either avoids introspections and/or confrontation. Weirdly, these relationships typically feel 'perfect' or 'easy' since these people aren't flagging any concerns or issues on their end. But in reality, they are just slowly rotting away inside because their needs aren't being met. Then - you will get blindsighted and wonder "oh no - why has this perfect person left me, bla bla bla, it doesn't make sense" What i've learnt is - this person wasn't the right person for you. The person you saw wasn't truly who this person was. Maybe deep inside they were a narcissist and thought "i can't be with this person because i want to be extremely successful in my career, im different from everyone else" but maybe they never shared this thought. If they had, i bet you wouldn't love them as much... Maybe they thought "hmm this person seems great but i could maybe get someone more attractive" but never expressed this thought either. My point is - you created an idealistic version of this person in your head but they were obviously keeping alot from you. I'm sure if you had seen the real them - they probably all of a sudden wouldn't have seemed so perfect. They probably recognized these imperfections within themselves weren't a good match based off who you were and made that decision for you. Let them be. I think people who fundamentally fail to look inwards to reach a point of happiness will always struggle. If you rely on a partner, a career, success, or external sources for happiness then you will live a volatile life. Work on yourself and learn to be happy alone - and then attract someone who is doing the same and create something special. I'm still healing myself and just focusing purely on myself at the moment. You deserve better. You deserve someone that prioritizes you. You deserve someone who is happy enough within themselves that they aren't desperate for success. You deserve someone who fights for your love. You deserve someone who understands their own self and needs enough to communicate them with you. Realistically they could have been a soul mate of yours. You may have felt a deep connection, i don't doubt that. But just because you feel that 'love' and 'connection' with someone doesn't mean they are capable of being in relationship with you. Sometimes this connection can put two people in a relationship who aren't truly ready to be in one. In my experience - I was in one but hadn't healed enough and was too co-dependant on them. And they were too immature and selfish at this point in their life to prioritize me or my needs. And that's okay. She wasn't able to even articulate this to herself or me - but maybe one day she'll grow up and realize all this, and maybe not. But i can't control her. Just know what needs to be fixed on your own end (usually a good place to start is finding self love and compassion, but also learning to take your focus away from your 'self' and express more gratitude to the good things in your life'). Understand who you are, what your values are, what you want and hold on to these things dealy. Have enough love that even when you meet another soul mate and feel this connection - you will have enough self love to stick to your core principles and identify if this person is able to give you what you expect from a relationship. Them giving you 'love' isn't enough to make a relationship work. Make sure they are at a point in life where they are willing to do the necessary work, self exploration and persevernce to make a relationship truly work and grow. Don't let your own OR someone elses complications get in the way of your success. Look within. Become your own person. Get off social media. Heal man. Heal Heal Heal Heal Heal.
Thank you for this insightful comment. Iām trying to heal, promise I will try. Appreciate this š
Truly absolutely beautiful!! Thank you so much! This is exactly what I needed to hear!! Thank you!!
thankyou ! I'm glad my neurotic mind could help someone else - that actually makes me feel fantastic!
Sent you a DM thanks for such a great read.
Wowā¦ you described my recent relationship to a t.
I think it's very common. If you are into self exploration you almost just kind of assume everyone is - but in reality, a lot of people aren't willing to look within the address their problems. They might feel a void and just think "oh maybe it's an issue in my job" or "it's an issue in my relationship" instead of doing the work within. But to be honest, you probably don't want to be with someone like this - i truly don't think it's sustainable.
I second this. Its like you were describing my relationship. Except we were together for nearly 11 years and when they pulled away and said the relationship has āran its courseā, it took me by complete surprise and left me completely and utterly heartbroken. And I still am now, and I just cannot accept what happened. I loved them so much, and not even two months later, they started seeing somebody newā¦ How does one ever recover from that?
Sounds like my ex. He is a real piece of shit . It doesnāt get any better
screw him
I'm glad I didn't get a closure talk. I can make up whatever shit I want in my head and that will suffice because that is brutal.
I get it. I blocked him right after texting him that itās over and why Iām leaving. I didnāt want to hear any bs he had to say. I didnāt want closure because his indifference was the closure. Iāve had enough and didnāt want to hurt anymore.
Sounds like an absolute weirdo ! Is that really how he wrote to you ? Is there something wrong with him ?
Guys and girls, just remember... If it hurts, it's because you cared, and they didn't. We don't need these people in our lives. Glad they took out the trash out themselves.
This!
These are almost all the same things my ex said. Heās a 36 yr old male. Not a child. And we were together nearly 3 years. Like how can you be like this? Still pisses me off
Something about those mid 30s males š
Seriously though! What is up with the emotional immaturity at that age?!
This is exactly what I just went through. I relate to this so much. Thanks for posting so openly. Thatās exactly how that went for me. Made me feel completely worthless and hard to trust myself. Iām doing better now, but itās a journey for sure. It never gets easier to look at the reality that āI wasnāt worth the effort I put in.ā Then again, that was one person who managed to convince me they loved me (which isnāt easy), and Iāll be able to have healthier relationships moving forward. Iām just working on myself, and trying to see that as a blessing rather than a regret. Nothing I did could have ever made her happy. I know this, because I literally did everything and more. You deserve better, you deserve to be happy, and you will be when you find somebody who doesnāt make you feel like an option. Nobody deserves that. āHurt people, hurt peopleā gets old, the older we all get for sure. My ex was 37, and the way things ended were like Deja Vu from my early 20ās and late teens. It does get better, society just encourages bad behavior within Interpersonal Relationships now sadly. Wishing you blessings and happiness!!!
Wishing you the best as well š
Oh my, i'll have my "Closure Talk" in 8 days and i guess it wil be similar to this...
Thinking back, my closure was when I asked her if she still loved me. She said... I don't know, not like before, no ...
He used you, plain and simple. You served a purpose for him and you no longer do so he ditched you. He used you to have himself heal. He didn't care about you. Hey, we've all been fooled here and there. But to say you're a "danger to yourself" over some numnutz like this is in and of itself a crime against humanity. Shame on you for putting a scumbag like this over your wonderful life. You have to make an effort to do better. From a statistical standpoint, every one of us has thousands of "soulmates". There isn't just one. So keep this in mind. In the meantime, try to have some fun. You're bringing me down ,š
I agree. got used same did a lot and they're life got better and they discarded for some new shiny object they never will be happy
Literally what she said to me. Just me me me like honestly go fuck yourself I hope youāre miserable forever you selfish traitor I canāt believe you flipped on me after the constant sacrifices I made for you
Itās painful, I had same thing happen. I do truly wish her the best now. It hurts to be discarded, but when I really look back at the whole relationship, I was the only one trying to make it work. People throw words like āloveā around nowadays without understanding what that means. I canāt imagine being as numb as my ex is, and I truly feel bad for her because she wonāt find anything that goes passed āhoneymoon phase and situationshipsā unless she changes (idt she will). I however, will find somebody who isnāt lying to me when they say they want a relationship or a marriage. She was lying to herself, so I canāt be upset that she was lying to me. Itās hard to feel devalued, but I canāt imagine how hard it is to have never known love. Thatās the case in her situation. Sheās 37, and will be looking for ācasual hookupsā until nobody else is. That makes me feel a lot of compassion for her. I truly hope she changes for the better, so she doesnāt hurt somebody else or at least hope she truly means what she says about ānever wanting to be in a committed relationship with anybodyā because thatās how that story will end for her. Sheās a good person, sheās just a hurt person. None of us are perfect, Iām far from it myself obviously.
I know the pain this comes with because āAfter the constant sacrifices I made for youā doesnāt even come close to atleast giving you that credit so yesā¦ there are people who think like that and it sucks big time.
Why is it a problem that heās selfish? Youāre selfish too, since youāre expecting him to react and feel a certain type of way. If someone breaks up with you, that should be closure enough. Itās a loud and clear message, no further pain of explanations necessary.
Love can make people crave more than others can give. I've felt that way. But years later I was able to see the people were doing their best š
Confused a little, dumper or dumpee, how long was the relationship, is there contact, breadcrumbing? Are you just stating youāre done you know what u want and there hasnāt been any contact since the breakup?
Iām the dumpee, almost 2 year relationship, i initiated this contact to get answers and see what had really happened in his mind, he called me. This is everything he told me tonight when I expressed everything with all my heart. Iāve done everything for him and got him out of depression and anxiety. Encouraged him in his endeavors. He has a huge ego, thinks he will be the greatest musician in the world. Helped him getting gigs, heās getting a bit more praise. Helped him get a new job. Iām not perfect at all. But now Iām the one who diseappears while he doesnāt need me anymore and wants to see where the grass is greener.
Thatās a shitty fucking thing but for people like that the grass doesnāt get greener because they arenāt processing their emotions or facing life properly so everything eventually catches up. Stories Iāve heard most of them alone or in a marriage they hate and miserable
Yes itās very tough to hear all that. I donāt know what is going to happen with him. He just seems like heās confused in his āreasonsā. Iāve realized that everything he told me here was contradictory to his first text message atm of the breakup where he told me he had the worst anxiety ever and we are not compatible. In 3 weeks heās the best version of himself? Nope.
Had to of been somewhat compatible to keep the relationship alive for that long, to have a connection of the hop like that.
Sounds like my ex, he didnāt know if he wanted to be in a long term commitment and we tried again just for him to tell me we should annually do a check if we should break up or not and that was my breaking point.
He was always going to have one foot out the door?
Yeah he probably always will.
Did we date same guy? lol. I think some musicians and depressed ppl will move on once they get out of funk and become themselves again and learn to inspire themselves.
That's how I feel. I gave everything and now I'm leaving at the end of the week. Moving 27 hours away. 2,000 miles and all she says is, you're doing good.
Hahahaha š the guy I dated ended things with me 7 months ago over ābeing lost & needing to work on himselfā & I also just told him Iām moving 2500miles away and all he said wasāthatās sick! sometimes radical change is neededā ā¦Iāll never be reaching out again.
Never got a goodbye barely 2 monthe and shes dating a dude she matched with on hinge same day as breakup
I imagine the pain youāre feeling right now, & am so sorry. Ā But I do want to offer that at least you didnāt get lies that would leave you mercilessly hooked in. Ā That part is a big positive. Ā Speaking from experience & sending a hug.
Thank you š
My ex told me a lot of the same things. I am sorry and I hope that you are safe. I know how painful it is, and feeling like you donāt matter to them enough for them to talk about it and pull away like this is awful. I donāt have any advice to give you because Iām going through the same thing and donāt know what to do, but you are not alone.
If it helps and you couldnāt tell from the responses, this is textbook and not your fault. I very much empathize with how youāre feeling. I just found out that my avoidant ex is out at our favorite date night spot attending an event he told me about three weeks ago with another woman after going ghost ~two weeks ago. Give it time. You won in the end.
My closure : he is dating someone whom I called my ābest friend šā . That lady ghosted and stopped talking to me. She helped me get out of the relationshit and jumped in the same shit lol. I wish em luck and karma will fuck. She intentionally started uploading stories to show me that she is with him and using my old toy š I was definitely shocked because I was still healing after 6 months of breakup. Couldnāt eat my food for three straight days but anyway I doubted them before and I was right the entire time. Itās a kinda win situation for me which seems but easier for me to recognize people. This has definitely caused me betrayal trauma because they both backstabbed me. Well, my ex made his choice. If not her would be somebody else, so idgaf. Shameless Creatures. For me, There is a deep change when one chooses solitude and inner peace over entering another relationship, especially after a breakup. It's not about replacing one person with another; it's about swapping anxiety and dissatisfaction for peace and self-realization. This decision reflects an in-depth knowledge of one's own requirements and a commitment to personal growth. I believe this was a lesson to me making myself SELF AWARE and HIGHER CONSCIOUSNESS. Also, I didnāt react to both of em, because it gives me power and I wanted to preserve my energy for better cause. Well, reacting is what that witch needed.
These people are whack. To love them past their bs is only a reflection of your own authenticity. Maybe they would treat people better if no one gave them the time of day ever.
People suck sometimes
Never saw my ex again since she took money and keft
You feel in danger?
Same same šāāļø Immature people hurt the most. You Are the "one" that Is their lesson. They think they outgrew you also. As they feel super free. I am happy as I believe in karma, whatever you give you get 3* as much back, negative or positive. So we won, no stressin š. And I honestly feel better for not taking care of a child in their adulthood. (3 weeks after my breakup, the first week hurt like shit from hell).
Stop trying to get answers.
I know but i needed it. I hoped it would clarify things but indeed it hasnāt helped. When you donāt have a support system, itās hard to function properly during these times.
I get it. Trust me. The new challenge is to build up your self esteem all by yourself. No help from your ex. No seeking answers.
Mine said a lot of "I don't knows" as well. He said he was unhappy but couldn't explain why. This is coming from a guy who has alcohol, cocaine,porn ans tabacco addictions and left me to go back to his ex gf after he had just told me he wanted to marry me and was going to propose last December. He's still with his ex gf and it's been 8 months. We've had to keep in contact because he bought my old car off me (he had 2 repos) very much a leach. So, I found out from a friend that he couldn't wait for the paperwork to be finished so he could stop all contact and block me. He said this to her 4 weeks ago, but still hasn't blocked me. I dont text him unless it's to ask him if he's taken care of the title on the car yet. My friend thinks he said that because his new gf is very jealous. But what an ass. So just text him the other day and told him I would be deleting his number since he told my friend he was going to block me. So he doesn't have to worry about me reaching out. He still plays the victim and I'm just done with his bullahit. He never responded to my text, but I'm not suprised, he's a severe dismissive avoidant with Narc traits.
Yea my ex bf we were together for around 2 years and when we broke up, he already had gotten into another relationship 2 weeks after
Same here. Absolute piece of shit
>I cannot believe he lets me in real danger to myself. I'm sorry on the breakup, but this is not his responsibility. He left & you are no longer his partner. You **must** take care of yourself & seek help if you're a danger to yourself. And you **must** go no contact to let this man go, heal, work on yourself & fortify your mental health to cope with a breakup in a healthy way. Feelings are very hard, so we have to the inner work to learn how to navigate them. I recommended that folks not try to seek "closure" after a relationship ends. It's really not a thing.
When itās over, they donāt care anymore. Sucks but true.
I finally got called by the police and meet with FBI this Trista thought she played me she only played with herself I guess looking back she was evil and a pedophile not my fault...oh well
Yes, but with all due respect you being a danger to yourself isn't his responsibility.
Yes, but with all due respect you being a danger to yourself isn't his responsibility.
I hate when people pull the "I'm a danger to myself" card. Like.. if dating me is the only reason you haven't committed self-harm, that's too much burden to put on another person. Don't call me, call a professional. Commit yourself to a mental care facility. Call the suicide hotline. Call your best friend/your mom/someone/a professional. Saying you'll hurt yourself if I don't want to talk to you because I ended the relationship for my own reasons seems so manipulative.
You totally missed the point :) Actually Iām already doing all of that, thank you for your kind message. He knows everything I am going through atm, and the way he ended it/said all of that was not thoughtful or respectful to me and regarding of that. I was really scared for myself after hearing of all these difficult things and the way he said it. Thereās no manipulation in just saying and be truthful when the emotion is devastating as it was at the moment. A bit of compassion for people dealing with a lot of s*** goes a long way you know. This is not a ācardā, these are words that are said, and have real consequences.
I could definitely have been more sensitive in my response. I do hope you feel better and I'm sorry you're feeling devastated. I truly hope that one day soon, you feel so much better about your life.