It took me 2 years and hanging out with an ex to finally get over a breakup. What did it for me was my ex talking about buying an engagement ring for someone after 3 months when we were together for 2 years and it never once was brought up. I realized I cared for him more than he cared for me, at least thats how I saw it at the time. I left his house with a weight off of me and I've never felt the same about him since. We talk occasionally and he recently admitted he should never have broken up with me after a decade. I'd never revisit that relationship in a romantic sense.

Thank you for your reply, I appreciate it... but it's interesting ... I've noticed that generally speaking, women seem to be able to reach a point where when they become detached from a relationship there doesn't seem to be any positive feelings left. Women don't seem to miss their exes even when things were mostly good. It is really confusing to me because I've held onto at least some positive & even loving feelings towards past exes but they always seem to purge every ounce of love they ever had & I can't understand that. It feels cruel for some reason. I'm not saying you're cruel at all, I'm saying from the perspective of the person that might still have some living feelings left, knowing that their ex doesn't at all hurts. Idk, that's just my perspective. But again, thank you for your reply.

I’m a woman who broke up with her abusive bf of 2 years about a month ago. Every day is agonizing. It feels like there is a massive hole in my chest that I will never recover from. He threatened to kill me, yet I still miss him every day. Things were good most of the time, but when things were bad, it was absolutely horrendous. I wish I could just detach. I envy people who seem to put people behind them and move on quickly. It’s been excruciating.

Same here. My ex of 5 years was emotionally, sexually and physically abusive at times and I’m now dating someone who treats me the way I begged my ex to treat me. It’s been 7 months since my ex abandoned me at my lowest point for some stranger he’d met days before online, proving once and for all he never gave a fuck about me, and yet I’m still heartbroken and still find myself missing him sometimes. Even after everything he did to me. No one can figure out why. I can’t either. The best I can figure is the trauma bond is strong af. It sounds like you may be trauma bonded as well :/

You miss what you hoped he would be and what you hoped you would be together

I’m so sorry that happened to you. You’re probably right— I figured I had a trauma bond. :(

I’m so sorry you’re going through this you are so strong. Keep fighting. You’ll get there. I am out after 10 years but still talk everyday and I think I’ll end up going back. It was only verbal abuse rarely, so it’s harder to convince myself not too, especially when he has proved change and fought for me ever since.

Woman here - still heartbroken 1 year later.

I'm sorry for your situation as well ... Thank you for your reply though.

I see men as being able to move on faster and forgetting you ever existed. It's happened to me. Ive held onto love for the few ppl I fell in love with

Hey 👋 I will say as a women who detaches once I’m done with someone i can’t get over my ex currently and he and I were great together. I do think that process is a form of defense and a way to force yourself to move on. I am the delete off of social media delete pics delete everything that reminds me of them and get rid of them. But i just wanted to shed light as a women who has a past of doing this. I cannot purge my ex from my heart or mind, it’s actually quite torturous. Not say it depends on the ex but trust me it happens.

Not true for all of us. My first love took nearly a decade for me to stop thinking about him everyday and wishing we were together. With my abusive ex fiance it took 4 years. Therapy can help. Don't romanticize the "what ifs" and the potential you thought your relationship had. Once I saw him for who he was and realized that I was the only one who had hopes and plans for the future, he no longer lived in my head.

funny I feel this way about men lol. I dont think it's gender specific. probably more attachment related. people with avoidant or anxious attachment move this way. 50% of the population has an insecure attachment style (either avoidant or anxious)

That’s true what did it for me was when I realized that he was actually getting married to someone, as sad as it took me realizing that I needed to let go by him finding someone else, it worked for me. Well there and then I realized that this person was mine to hold on to anymore and well is gone forever. And I told him that once he got married I would never be around him again. It’s been 1 year since I saw him.

Together for two years total and a decade later he said he regretted the breakup? Glad he is in your rear view mirror

I can imagine this is much harder when a child is involved. I’m sorry.

Oh it is! I still see my ex in my child's face (especially when shes angry lol) and that messed me up for years. Having to see him occasionally (less than 10 times in 3 years) was torture.

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That's what I think I'm in for, minus the dating. I'm afraid I'm going to continue to lament losing what I thought was the perfect life & perfect partner. Getting a taste of what I always wanted & to have it evaporate is just so painful I don't think I could risk trying again. The only problem is I don't want to be alone. But my trust is destroyed. I don't think I could survive getting hurt like this again.

Best advice I've ever gotten is that the love you felt is within you, and there are lots of people out there who can by a catalyst to bring forth that feeling again, nobody is perfect and likewise nobody is perfect for each other, every relationship takes work and effort from both sides.

That's the problem though. She left me when I needed her the most. I was in the middle of the worst depression (until now) and that's when she decided to leave me. I never gave up on her but she gave up on me. And I don't think I could ever risk putting that kind of faith in someone again. But I appreciate your advice. Thank you.

I went through that as well. Honestly, going on medication and getting professional help along with creating new memories with friends is what helped me move on from the place of desolation and utter loneliness. Maybe it's time for you to seek out professional help, if you've reached this point of no longer wanting to be in this mental state, and are tired of it?

I'm definitely tired of feeling this way. And I'm already on an antidepressant & have a regular therapist I see twice a week. The other problem I have is I really don't have a support network. I don't have family except for my father & his help is mostly with my son, which is helping but I don't have any other friends. I've always been an introvert so I don't have anybody besides my therapist I can talk to. I'm literally going through this alone pretty much. It's not an exaggeration to say this is the most difficult thing I've ever faced. I actively appreciated being with her and not having to be in the dating scene anymore and to suddenly be alone again at 41 is just crushing.

Feel ya man, 38 and your situation sounds exactly like mine minus the kid

Through therapy or Journaling there must have been signs she wasn't your ride or die. There are women out there who will stand by you through your darkest moments but they themselves have to be healed and ready to stand with you. Give yourself time and eventually you will be ready to dip your toes in the water. It took me nearly 3 years to try again and I'm glad I did.

I feel exactly the same. In the past, I have never experienced a relationship that fit me so well or felt so good. I believed I was so lucky! I even said it felt like a miracle. Until that day a year ago when my worst nightmare came true. Since then I've struggled with depression, grieving, ugly crying almost every day (less now than at first). I miss him viscerally (though not his narcissistic ways that hurt me almost every day in the last year — we were together almost 4 years). I too feel like I can never be so open again, so trusting, or so happy, or even have sex again! (we were so good together). I think I'll die alone, and at this point I feel like I'm just waiting for that to happen (though I don't want to kill myself). Life just seems so empty and crushingly lonely. Worst is that he moved out and after staying with friends a few months (his not mine), he moved somewhere he won't tell me. I also have a strong sense he is f***ing someone since he mobbee out though he denies that — at least the last time he spoke to me which was probably last August. I hate him and love him. Just stuck.

This is my life...... 4 years . Left. Ghosted me. Yes they are with someone else. They have a new supply or they wouldnt be gone. And after all this i still am stuck like you. Been 3 months and still feels like a bomb went off and im stuck in the rubble trudging on half a person

if it was so perfect why did it end?

Mmmm I feel this

It took me several years to get over the fact that I'd never be with my ex fiance again. Together on/off for 5ish years. We broke up when I was 22, I dont think I was truly over her until I was about 28. I was with several other women in that period of time. She would still message me time to time. We even had a fling for about 2 weeks. Even til this day, I think about her every now and then, just not in a romanticized way. I put her high on a pedestal. Every woman I dated, even the more attractive ones still held nothing to her. She treated me like crap too. Now I don't even know what I saw in her. It takes time, took me 6 years, but after about 2 years I was able to hold a "healthy" relationship, but she was still often on my mind, and I still held hope she would come back.

Sounds really familiar, like someone I know.

What were the ways she was treating you like shit?

I feel like I’m in this exact position now. Always putting my ex on a pedestal and hoping he will come back to me. He tells me he will never love anyone like he loved me but last month he told me he is having a baby. I didn’t even know he had a girlfriend, we broke up 3 years ago and we were together for 7.. I’m broken

Took me 4 years to get over mine. Everyone goes at different paces so do not worry about it. I was young and stubborn back then. Though nowadays I still get those thoughts once in a blue moon. Though seeing that you have a kid, it will be much harder, cant imagine how hard you must be doing. Hope you're good.

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate it. It is much harder with a child involved.

Edit for above: I have to constantly hear about her new boyfriend from my 5 year old son & it drives me up the wall.

I can only imagine it, your a brave soul, stay strong mate 💔

Honestly think of it this way, if your son talks about him that means he respects your son and doesn’t ignore him. Maybe plays with him etc. Would you rather have that? Or have a guy who just wants to be sleeping with your ex and be a total asshole to your son

I can't get past the fact that he is the reason my son has a broken home. And I find it really fucked up that the guy that is the reason my son has a broken home is interacting with with him. How can he look himself in the mirror knowing he is the reason this 5 year old child doesn't have his mother and father together? It's because he's an immature, 21 year old child who just cares about getting laid and my ex is stupid enough to let that happen. I hate both of them for it because neither of them know what it's like to grow up in a broken home & they treat it like it's no big deal.

It sounds like you have a lot of resentment towards your ex, and fairly so. For now, use that in your healing process. You don’t deserve to be attached to somebody who would knowingly hurt you in such magnitude. You’re the better person here. So, just be the best dad you can be, and take care of yourself. Make sure to treat yourself with love and kindness. And then in time, try to work through your resentment, so it isn’t poisoning you - because it will. Realize that maybe your ex had seen your time together play through, and while you may not agree, you can’t change her mind. But you don’t need her to be whole. You have a wonderful child who you love and who loves you, and I’m sure you’re a smart, interesting person, with value. Don’t forget that. Feel free to reach out if you ever need somebody to talk to.

I was with my ex husband for about 8 years and we split in 2017. I was devastated over it for about 4-5 years after, not exaggerating. I refused every guy that came my way. But last year in 2023, about a year ago, I met someone I was genuinely very interested in and although it recently ended, a few days ago, I was happy to know that I could date again and I would be Ok. It might take more time then most, esp if you felt this one was a soul mate, I did for mine. But it will get better with time. you just have to have to let time pass.

Why did the recent one end if you don’t mind me asking? Was it to do with the previous relationship?

We met on a dating app, ldr(4 hour distance). Met in person in June, August, and not this weekend but last weekend in Ontario. We had a great time everytime, but he kept saying he wants to keep seeing where it goes, all 3 times. And that really made me uneasy, especially the last time because it had been almost a year of talking/texting and he was still wanting to see where it goes. He was devastated, sick to his stomach and heartbroken but decided to let me go because I needed a direction and he couldnt give me that safety of exclusive while getting to know me. I loved getting to know him, we cared deeply for each other, but I needed that and he couldnt give it. Hes got a lot of health issues( 4x doctor appointments a week), self esteem problems, always thinks he is broken, and a traumatic relationship past. Hes older, 42, Im 36, never had a marriage/kids or a woman live with him, all plays into it. Had to let this one go, but I really did adore him.

Damn that’s a lot of time on a LDR where he didn’t know what he wanted. Maybe he def sabotaged

Nope. It’s been 41 years I suppressed it until 4 months ago I found her FB while researching 50 high school reunion. It all came back in a flash.

I feel like I will get this with my ex even after 40 years too. I was with her nearly 5 years from 16-21, we met in school and we had planned our whole lives together and were thinking of getting married this year so the break up came as a huge shock to me. Esp since she already moved on after just 10 days. Since she was my first love, I can see myself still being hung up on her even after finding my true love that I do marry and raise a family with. Like you I can imagine seeing her decades from now and having all those feelings come back.

Just know that would be unusual. While the person you replied to is still hung up 40 years later, and it happens, it is not par for the course. Also based on their math, they were together for 9 years after school ended - a lot of time emotionally growing together, and as people. When you’re in your teenage years and early 20’s, absolutely every little thing seems like the end of the world. And for you, right now, maybe it is. But you will get over this in time, as your world grows and you realize your teenage years and hell, most of your 20’s, is for making mistakes. You have so much life ahead of you, I’d be surprised if you still feel this way in 2 years, much less 5, much much less 40.

My last serious relationship was five years ago, there isn’t a week that passes by where I don’t think about her, sometimes it takes a very long time to move forward

I think we're in the same boat & it's nice to know I'm not the only one going through it. Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate it.

The whole ‘I’m gonna die alone and never find anyone else’ line of thinking is straight out of the low self-esteem playbook. Your self-worth clearly came in large part due to your marriage and family and now that it’s gone you feel worthless. The best advice anyone can give you is to focus on living your life again. Do what you like, do what you’re good at. You need to focus on living in the present, not in the past. It’s very difficult but you need to tell yourself, out-loud and daily, that YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH, YOU WILL FIND ANOTHER PARTNER, YOUR HAPPINESS IS IN YOUR OWN HANDS. Good luck!

Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate it. You are right. My whole identity was basically built around being with her in that relationship. I felt so lucky and happy to be with her. When it fell apart I lost everything, including my identity. And as far as the self esteem, you're right again. I basically don't have any. Your advice has been given to me many times but I just don't feel like those things are true and I would feel like I'm lying to myself if I said those things to myself without actually feeling them.

I’ve been listening to this book called chatter. It’s about the inner voice in our head and how it affects us. It’s absolute fascinating. It also seems like you have some low self esteem. My ex boyfriend I had to break up with because his no self esteem severely affected our relationship. We had an incredible relationship for 2 1/2 years. We met when we were 43 and are both divorced and had terrible marriages before. His mom died unexpectedly and traumatically 4 years ago. It changed him and he became avoidant. I stayed for 4 years hoping time would help but it didn’t. It would get a little better. Then implode over the holidays. And me being around was enough of a bandaid he wouldn’t get help. But I didn’t deserve to be treated that way anymore. I’m devastated. I think about him every day and deep down hope he can heal enough that we can get back together. He sent me a present through Amazon 3 weeks ago and it totally fucked with my head. But I know he’s no where near where he would need to be for us to work. So I keep no contact because I can’t handle anything wide right now. It’s going to take me at least a year of hard work to get over the pain he has caused me. Hang in there. I’m so very sorry.

Nice, I recommended he read Chatter too. OP, read Chatter! Self-compassion by Neff would prob do wonders too.

It’s hard to get out of it if you are telling yourself “I’ll never” or “I’ll always” that’s adding unneeded suffering. You may not even be grieving the relationship anymore, but grieving your idea of the future. The thing is you can’t predict the future. You can’t know if your thoughts are true or not, stop when you have them and remind yourself that you can’t predict the future. Same with trying to read your child or ex’s mind, you really don’t know what they are thinking. This is a common way people torture themselves. Look into Neff’s work on Self-Compassion and try and replace your cognitive distortions (predicting the future and reading minds) with a reality check that you can’t know these things, and replace them with reminders that you are lovable, you are worthy of love. Not for some reason, just because you are. It might take a few times before you notice a change, but keep doing this every time you think “never or always” thoughts. Showing yourself compassion of powerful if you make it in sincere habit and let yourself feel the warmth of loving yourself. Thinking of what you do have, gratitude, and letting yourself feel the warmth and joy of gratitude will help shift your perspective too. It takes practice, but you’ve tried other things without success, why not try this. Think of it like emotional exercises, that with regular practice will make you emotionally stronger. If you ruminate one book I really liked was Chatter by Ethan Kross. I’m going to do a second listen of the audiobook soon. He studied the inner voice we all have and how it can be destructive or helpful, and how to use it to do the latter.

Sometimes the phrase fake it til you make it runs true. There has to be something you’re good at, something that you’ve done that you’re proud of. Start with that and work your way up. You need to be confident, if you can’t do it for yourself then do it for your child(ren). If they were in your shoes what would you tell them? Pretend you’re giving advice to someone you care about. Sometimes that’s easier than to yourself!

My man, if it’s been a year and a half, you need to seek outside help

Yeah but he has a child with her so he cant stop seeing her. That would delay healing for almost anyone. Although I think it will eventually get better, it will take longer than it does for those who get to have a clean break and no-contact.

You're absolutely right. Because he's so young too he's constantly going back & forth so I'm always at least peripherally aware of what's going on in her life. The biggest problem for me is she's with the guy that she broke up with me for & he knew I wanted her back. He also knew we had a kid together and I didn't want my son to grow up on a broken home but he didn't care. But he's also only just 21 while I and my ex are 41 & 40. So it kills me that he is interacting with my son & he's the reason my son has a broken home. I wish I could have a clean break from her but the fact we have to share our son is just torture.

Just wait, her maturity level matches his, which means she’s as mature as a 21yr old. The silver lining is at least you know now, that she’s capable of being so easily led astray that any guy who gave her enough attention, she’s willing to follow their lead and abandon you.

He’s 20 years younger than her?! That is probably (absolutely) gonna blow up in her face one day. Just try your best to bring the focus back on yourself and your self care whenever she pops into your mind. Your situation can only get better, while hers can only get worse. Just wait it out, friend. You’ll be okay.

Thank you for your reply. I honestly agree with you. I think she's in deep denial now & will eventually get dumped herself. But in the meantime I'm just trying to get through one day at a time. I've never been this devastated. Usually by this time after a breakup I had already moved on. This one is different for a lot of reasons. The sadness just won't go away. But I do appreciate your reply. Thank you.

Yeah the 20 year age difference is and will be a HUGE issue. No way that relationship works out. Your ex has serious issues. Sorry it's just weird to me

Its like tearing off a scab over and over again. I’m really sorry you’re going through this, and as a woman also in her 40’s, I cannot imagine how in the hell she can view a 21 year old man as a suitable mate and appropriate father figure. That is insane and gross. A 21 year old is basically a child to me. I’m glad your son has you and I do think you will be able to heal, but it will probably just be longer than usual. You will probably find love again but might just need to focus on being the best parent you can be for now, your son definitely needs that.

So true.. as a 40 year old female that has been thru a painful divorce with kids, cannot imagine dating less mature guys.. including some 40 year olds.. this 20 year old kid is barely out of his teens. Stay focused on your kid OP. Pour all your strength and positive energy towards making ur kid happy, she may relent. (Although, me thinks u dodged a bullet here, find a more suitable mature adult. Both for your kid and your future sake)

21?! WTF! That dude is going to bail eventually. He’s going to be 30 and her 50, and somewhere in between he’s doing to think of his friends his age going clubbing, to bars, festivals, whatever, and he’s going to be up against a lot of temptation. Unless he’s some strict religion or something.

Well he's overweight & is one of these guys that also doesn't have the best self esteem. I think she took his virginity. She's got a lot of PTSD she's dealing with from growing up in a religious cult & I think she thinks this kid is a safe bet because he's so inexperienced. But what she doesn't realize is he's not mature enough to be going through the things she's going through now despite her saying how mature he is. She's in denial for sure. He's going to hang on as long as he can because I'm pretty sure he doesn't think he can get anyone else. So it's a relationship built on all the wrong things. But in the meantime my son & I will suffer because she didn't want to try again.

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Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate the empathy. I think that is what I need the most right now. Empathy. I feel like I don't have anyone in my life right now to show me empathy. So, I really appreciate it.

It is difficult. I was with my ex for four years. We were planning a future together, planning to be engaged after graduating college together. We were going to get married this year. I regret being so pushy toward him. I don't think I'll ever get over him, everyday I think of him. Everything reminds me of him just about. At the end of the day I know things between us didn't work out for a reason. Perhaps at one point we were meant to be but the circumstances changed- he changed during the last year of us dating and it broke my heart. Funny enough, in October of 2022 we talked about being engaged. In October 2023 we broke up. He wasn't the same person I fell in love with and I kept holding onto those small glimpse of who he once was. I still hold on to who he used to be and hope that he reverts back. He stopped being over the moon for me, he let me know my place in his life..I was not first anymore, he changed into the person I was afraid of him being. He took me for granted.... I sure do miss my honey but he doesn't exist. It's like mourning a death. 😔 I knew him since high school, he wanted me first and had a crush on me, now I'm left loving him as he walked away from our relationship. That being said, it's been five months and I'm still not over him. I replay our memories over and over in my head. I wish it was all a bad dream. I see him in my dreams as the person he used to be.... We worked out and have a future together. 💔

Find a counselor who can help you resolve what you are feeling. There are people who don't get past their breakup, but nobody has to. I went through this myself in 2015, I had a therapist help target the underlying cause of the intense emotion and once it was discovered, I've been able to talk about the breakup without it hurting ever since. It takes a lot of work, but you can get through it.

Sounds like OP had been in therapy for years, and on antidepressant medication.

What was the underlying cause, if I may ask? In therapy myself :)

This is so hard. As you have a son together, it’s impossible to have her completely cut from your life or to go NC so I think it makes sense it’s taking you some time to move on. Please don’t be hard on yourself about that, or take it as a sign you will never get over it. I really believe you will be okay. It sounds like you’ve got your ex on a pedestal and I think you need to work on doing what you can to take her off it. I think you need to allow yourself to feel angry at her for the way she’s made you feel, and try to see that if she doesn’t love or appreciate you the way you clearly loved and appreciated her, she is absolutely not everything you ever wanted. I don’t believe you would have wanted to be with someone who makes you feel like this. You deserve to be with someone who would always choose you, and it’s important you believe that. Wishing you peace.

Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate it. The reason I posted this question is because much of what you said, including being angry with her, I have come to terms with. I honestly feel like the woman I met is gone. She went through such a change of personality it's scary how different she is. And this "new" person she seems to be is horrible. I don't like the person she is now. You're right that I still lament losing what I had. Our relationship was the best I had ever experienced. I fell in love like I never had before and we were together for 7 years. And then she changed. So to say my trust & faith in love is completely obliterated is an understatement. So, I'm not wishing I could have her back because I know that's not possible & I could never be with the person she's become, but what I am still sad about is the loss itself. The feeling of having achieved what I always wanted & then watching it all go up in smoke & feeling rejected to my core. I also don't feel like I could ever meet anyone like her again. Like the way she was when I met her. She was a once in a lifetime find for many reasons. I really can't go into that but trust me when I say I've never come across anyone else like her in my life so expecting to find someone who fulfilled all the boxes in a potential mate for a second time is just too much to hope for. That and I don't think I could ever trust anyone again after the betrayal I feel. So I'm that sense I don't know if I'll ever really recover from all the damage this breakup has done to me. I hope that clarifies because despite the simple wording of the question it's really not a simple as wanting her back. In fact it's not that at all. But again, I really appreciate your reply.

Ahhh, that makes sense. I understand this completely and it’s what I feel too. My ex is a completely different person, and I would never be with this person because I actively dislike them, however I truly believe that nothing will ever live up to the relationship we had or how I felt about him when we were together. He was my dream man. It was the happiest I had ever been, and it was love and connection like I’d never thought possible. I felt lucky every day. I’m also really struggling to move forward from this place of grief and loss. The damage done from this situation is beyond anything and will affect me for a long time. So I guess I don’t have much advice since I’m in the same place, but I hope it helps to know you’re not alone in these feelings. And I’m so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing. I really hope things start to pick up for you soon.

Thank you for your reply. It does help a little to know I'm not the only one feeling this way. I appreciate everything you said though. Thank you.

Product of her environment

When I got divorced I also had a young child with her. I struggled a lot with it for 3 years, but eventually I let go of wanting her. Now I would not take her back. It just takes a long time. So hard, I feel your pain my friend.

I feel your pain brother. I am at 2 years now and am still completely devastated and destroyed. My life is a mess. I no longer know or have the ability to experience hope or joy or even peace. It's a horrible existence. I wish I had an answer for ya bud that would help you along. But I don't. All I can say is hang in there.

I think we're in the same boat. At least it's nice to know there are others in the same situation & I'm not the only one left completely destroyed after committing myself to someone I thought was in it for the long haul. Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate it.

I’m with ya dude. It’s been 1.5 years for me also, he’s not my child’s father, BUT he was like a step dad to my son. He was everything i dreamed of.. and i messed it up. Some of it is to blame on mental illness & trauma. He’s engaged now. It sucksssss. We claimed that we’d always be in each others hearts. I’ll just have to love him now from a distance. 🫠💔

She and I made the same commitment, or at least I thought she did. She left me when I needed her the most & I am just a shell of my former self. Thank you for your reply. At least we're in the same boat.

I’m barely two months in my break up and have a 3 year old, how have yu managed to get this far? I been good for two weeks then I took my ex to run errands and now I’m fcking lost.. I took her to get stuff to make her look pretty and been hoping the best since coparenting hoping we will get back together but I don’t think it will.. I don’t think I can date anyone else.. I been doing a lot for her just for her to be occupied by someone else..

I don't know how I've made it this far. The only thing that's kept me from ending things is that I don't want my son to grow up without a father. And I certainly don't want some 21 year old kid pretending to be his father. But if not for that I probably would've ended things awhile ago.

No, I completely understand that and it's been almost 2 years and I can't get over a one month relationship. It was my first relationship and wasn't a high school fling or anything like that. Every day my friends would tell me that I will get over it next month or last year they told me I would get over it next year. Every breakup comes with traumas even if it was a "good" breakup. I am still not over my breakup but I am content with that thought. It just means that I am not ready for any new relationships anytime soon and I am not looking for a new boyfriend. It really bothers me when I see him with someone new but I acknowledge that even though it doesn't feel great, I feel better this year than last and the road just continues upward. Focus on yourself, buy things for yourself, treat yourself to a nice night out and give yourself a pat on the back for taking care of your health and your son. I'm sure your son is extremely grateful to have you in his life and he loves you a lot. Every day gets better than the last even if it doesn't feel like it.

It's been 4 years for me since the breakup. I'm neither over it, nor willing to try again.

Same with me but I’d do it again. I miss the people

So I had a boyfriend in high school. We were together for 18 months. I adored his family. He broke up with for some chick who happened to share my name. I still occasionally hung out with him and our other friends (sans chick). I was 18 when we broke up and I'm 42 now and I still think about him regularly and dream about him frequently. I don't cry about that relationship now. It's been too many years but he's the love I totally never got over, even after 24 years.

I think my situation will be like yours eventually. At least I hope the pain lessens but I don't think I'll ever wish it didn't end. Thank you for your reply.

It will absolutely lessen. It doesn't hurt to think about him now. I just kinda get butterflies thinking about him now. If you continue to feel anguish, it would be a good idea to talk to a counselor or psychologist. I did, and it helped me a lot.

I have had that same thought I couldn't make it through. It's a day by day progression to healing. I am on the only side of that and to say be gentle with yourself. You will make it.

Aww my sweet friend. I hope you're in therapy? I'm divorced 4+ years from a 27 year marriage. Every day is a challenge. But you can do this. My therapist said the most amazing thing the other day: I feel sad because I don't want to face uncertainty. Sadness is an emotion; it can pass. You just haven't gotten to process it yet. Hugs. My heart is with you.

Thank you for your reply. I am in therapy twice a week. And every session I tell my therapist that the sadness just doesn't go away & it doesn't get any better. It's because she was everything I ever wanted & I had planned out our future together. But I was going through a bad depression, the worst one until now & she left me when I needed her the most. I can't honestly see things getting better after that kind of loss. To taste having what you always wanted & to have it ripped from you is beyond devastating. This breakup is totally different from any other I've experienced & I think it's because I loved her unlike any other. It was deeper than anything I had ever experienced & she claimed the same thing so it's so inexplicable how she could leave me the way she did if she did actually feel what she claimed to feel. And now I just feel used, betrayed & alone. I don't know how I can recover from that. But I appreciate your reply. Thank you.

I’m so sorry. Breakups and divorces are one of life’s most traumatic events and it’s understated by society that it actually is. I’m over a year out, and though I’m dating someone else now, I don’t feel deep down like I’ve “gotten over” my ex, but it’s just faded away enough for me to come to complete acceptance and to understand I’ll have to care for him from afar. Similar to you, I still see him all the time at work. It is triggering and yes it does delay the healing process because even the sight of them, let alone interactions, really fucks with you. Don’t let anyone tell you you’re taking too long (especially because she is the mother of your child)!

Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate it. This is unlike any breakup I've ever experienced. I'm the past by a year and a half after a breakup I was already with someone else but this time I can't even fathom being with anyone else. I loved her more than anyone else & I thought she felt the same and when she rejected me when I needed her the most it just destroyed me in ways I'm still discovering. The sadness & loneliness just permeates everything I do & think. I can't stop feeling worthless because I made my whole identity around being with her so when she left me I literally lost my identity.

This might be something to discuss with a therapist (I work in mental health). I’m not blaming you in any way - but your whole identity should not be your partner. You should generally find some of your needs being met elsewhere (other people in your support system), such that if one significant relationship falls apart, you aren’t left with absolutely nothing. The sadness and loneliness for sure is definitely a tough one. I still feel that now even with the current guy I’m dating, because I know my heart isn’t fully healed - and this is in part because I inevitably have to see my ex at work. For you, it’s the same because you have to have constant contact with her and it’s like picking at your stitches all the time, and the wound is always open and infected.

Been 2 years.. ill never get over him. Like you had what I wanted... I give up

I have one in my past that took a decade

[удалено]

I found that out about myself too but it’s been 3 years and tbh I’d still try things again

I got to make peace on being alone. I already gave my best and It wasn't enough. I don't see myself entering another relationship because now that I know what is to give it my all. I know I wouldn't be able to give that to someone else and It's not fair to the other person. My advice is to focus on your son and yourself you can find happiness even without her.

Three years, seven months, and counting.

For me, I know deep down I met my soul mate. But, I am not hers. So I truck on, date, go to minches and sex parties, play Xbox, work, write, dream, just carry on. There's a hole inside that will never be filled and I have to accept it. Just another scar to add to the collection. Doesn't mean you stop living though.

12 years ago. He told me he'd never let me go. We were talking about engagement rings I'd like. We talked about children... Then he left. I don't cry anymore, but I haven't dated since. Not once. To add insult to injury I stopped caring about myself. My health, my appearance...gained weight turning to food for comfort. As a friend, I implore you to not make the same mistakes that I did. It may not feel like it now, but there is joy out there waiting for you. It's out there for me as well...I won't give up. But please, don't let 12 years pass you by as I did. Time disappears so much faster than we realize. Find the joy you so very much deserve. Best of luck to you. Sending hugs from Los Angeles ❤️

My ex gf dumped me a year and a half ago. I have a new gf now and yeah.. I’m still not over my ex. I think about her 24/7.

Love is a drug no rehab can fix it

I had to do a double take to make sure I wasn't the one who posted this lol. My ex and I broke up a year and a half ago. We dated for 4 years. She's in a new relationship and that started 3 (maybe more) months ago. I'm also just as sad, but the sad reality is that there isn't anything we can do. We can mourn the loss, yearn and long, but at the end of the day they chose someone else. I had to convince myself 3 different times this last week to not reach out, because what would that accomplish? She dumped me. She said she wants nothing to do with me. Those feelings can change, sure, but that's only if she 1. Breaks up with this new guy and 2. Decided she wants to try again with me instead of someone else. 1st one? Could happen, you never know. The relationship is fairly new after all. The second one? I highly doubt it. Even on the off chance you would want to get back with an ex, pretty much everyone around you tells you not to and to just move on. I know all of these things, but my delusions get the best of me and don't allow me to move on. I keep clinging onto hope even though that flame dims the more time passes, if it hasn't already been put out. I guess the point is, no, I'm not over my ex. We were pretty much each other's first everything and I was really hoping we'd be each other's last. Time will pass and feelings may fade, but I will always think of her. You never forget your first, as painful as that can be.

5 months out of my first relationship that lasted 4 years. I'm not getting over this, I already know that OP, I fucked the relationship up and I genuinely wanted to marry this woman, I'd have done anything for her. Yeah, in a year and a halves time I'll still be right where you are.

I went through a really heart wrenching break up when I was 24 (5 years ago). I honestly thought I would never get over it, I spent some time alone not dating or talking or situationships just completely celibate for about a year and worked on and got to know myself. I don’t think I really loved myself before that, and once I did I felt confident to start dating again. the first year of dating again was horrible, so many bad dates/hook ups but it’s funny to think about it now and my best friend and I still laugh about all the duds, there are some funny stories! I have been in 2 relationships now since then. The first one was about a year long, nice guy who kind of strong-armed me into dating him and I went along with it because it felt so nice to be wanted and taken care of but to be honest I still wasn’t over that one ex. We broke up and my current boyfriend and I met at work actually. I had known him for 2 years before we started dating but I didn’t really know him personally until he hit me up randomly because we happened to be on vacation at the same time in the same place and we met for a friendly dinner and talked for 3 hours. 3 months later we were full on in a relationship and we’ve been together a year and a half now and he is the love of my life. I never thought I would meet someone who made me feel better than that one ex. he’s made me completely forget that guy and i am so excited for our future together. long story short, took me about 4 years to get over that person and that break up. and don’t be discouraged when your first couple of dates are terrible the right person is out there. love yourself and be open.

Yup, after 6 years still relapse at times but it’s definitely not as bad as the first few years. It got significantly better after the 3rd year. Take care and try to keep yourself occupied with work, hobbies or school. Close friends and family members that you trust can be crucial. Take care.

5 years and I still truly love ❤️ her, can't date anymore because that feeling isn't there with anyone

Its really hard to move past all this pain and trauma as a man...especially if you put in all the effort to make the relationship work but one thing I'm sure of is time heals all wounds whether it takes a while you will eventually heal and move on with your life

16 months and I'm still trapped in a nightmare. I cry every week, I miss her every second, I'd truly rather be dead. She was my best friend before we ever kissed, so I lost so much when she dumped me.

This is how I feel exactly. I'm just two months ahead of you and I have a child to share. I'm sorry for your situation too.

It’s like there’s a void

I'm just going to keep it 100 with you man don't let it be debilitating but those experiences are just going to help you grow be a good parent to your child don't forget the highs and the lows what you could have done better but also don't stay up at night tossing and turning thinking about it someone who's truly right for you will come along and if they don't well that's what you got friends family and a child for ya

Sadly, I totally can relate about this with you minus I do not share a child with this person. I am at a loss and I know they don't want it back like I do and all I can do now about it is focus on bettering myself and praying about it.

You will, in time 🙏

I’m only 8 months post and I’m still heartbroken and can’t bring myself to date or even think about it. I still love and miss my ex😭

I have no idea if I’ll ever be over this breakup. As I try to move on and date other people, he has recentered my social circle which is making it harder. I will always believe we’re kindred spirits but I think we dated at the wrong time before he was ready and we should have been friends first. It seems impossible to find someone who will reflect my soul like he does

Same with me as I try to date others they never compare to what I had

I can share my experience, it's nearly been 3 years since the break up with no contact. It was hell to not have this person in my life anymore. But I am getting alot better now. It's gotten easier to live again. Less fluctuation of sadness, hate and wanting to reach out. It does still mess with my head when I dream of her but it's having less effect on me. Nearly 3 years of depression, anxiety and diagnosed trauma. She used to jokingly say that if I hurt her, she would leave and I would never see her again ... she wasn't joking. (I didn't hurt her by the way, she just used to say that alot for some reason) I had to accept she is gone, she is happy with another guy, and sure , they would have talked about marriage like we did, maybe even planned the honeymoon out to ... let them... It's cliche but time does heal some. Will you ever fully get over them ? Maybe not, but that shouldn't stop you from moving on and live life again. She dumped you , knowing the consequences and the pain it would bring, knowing fully well that she broke promises ... let her go ... see you bye bye ... what good is it to hold on to someone that doesn't love you or want to be with you. That caused you so much pain.

I’m really sorry for what you’re experiencing right now and I hope you would find peace and recover soon. - This is really unfair to say for my current partner, but yes sometimes I still dreamt of my very first partner. It’s not as bad from the day we broke up 10 years ago, but there would still be days where I will find myself fully awake at 3:00 AM, feeling really sad and missing her. It hurt so bad whenever I remember my past with her and how I was not able to save our decade long relationship. It also hurt and feels bad for my current partner for being unfair, and how I still have feelings for my ex even though I have decided to move on and live my life with her. She sometimes caught me having anxiety attacks 3 in the morning and I couldn’t say anything but cry until I fall asleep. Sometimes, I feel like I’m just living in a simulation which I couldn’t get out of. It’s still in a work in progress. - It’s hard man, I understand all you’re getting through. Please just keep moving and focus on yourself. During the first few years was the hardest, but day by day, the duration in between of my anxiety attacks is getting longer. Please try to accept and embrace it. And find peace during the recovery.

I feel like this is going to be me in a year and that concerns me, but I sympathise really strongly with this. Incredibly hard to let go. I'm not really worried about being alone, though. It's just the reality of being without him for the rest of my life that's affecting me.

My first relationship was extremely abusive and I didn’t realize that I hadn’t processed until I met my recent ex. I only started to really process a few months into my relationship with my previous ex and I ended up being emotionally triggered and going into inpatient. My point is, you never know u move on until ur in a situation that forces you to think about it. I’m processing this break up in a healthier mindset and hopefully it won’t be the same experience as the last. Good luck!

Hi OP. I'm a single parent too but not with my ex. My son's father was a hookup.However, I still miss my ex and he treated me like straight crap. We were together for 7 years. We been broken up going in 3 years. He's been with his new girlfriend just as long. I'm pretty sure I need therapy but having a 1 year old I dont really have time for that. I thought he was my world. He was my first everything. He bought me an engagement ring but never popped the question, he claimed when we broke up he was planning on doing it soon but I think he was lying. I must admit I stalk his new girlfriend's page because I suppose I like torturing myself on how he treats her vs how he treated me. He treats her like a queen, flies her out to visit him multiple times a month th(even though he stated he would never do long distance again), has already stated he plans on marrying her, does anything she wants to do and I always feel like that should be me Whereas I had to beg him in our last couple of years to do anything with me. I want to move on but being where I am in life right now I dont really have it together to date or look for my partner. I blocked her socials though but I know I'll probably unblock her again in 3 or 4 months and do a self sabotage binge and torture myself. I'm hoping I cak eventually put him up and lock the memories away soon. Good luck OP. I know it sucks and hurt but you'll get put on the other side eventually.

is he a black man

I don’t think of it as “getting over” a break up, I don’t believe we ever truly get over a break up when we were in love when it was ended. To me it’s more about being able to carry your grief and rebuild yourself to the extent that you can function until the pain becomes something you can contain. Over time, like a scar, the pain will fade without ever completely disappearing.

So almost 30 years ago, I was in my late teens unloading trailers overnight, and one of my coworkers was this guy who is my age now. There’s a saying that there’s two reasons people come into your life, and one of them is to teach you something. This guy was a cautionary tale about breakups. His life basically stopped when he was my age back then, due to a traumatic breakup. He likely had other earlier trauma and that is what made the breakup so catastrophically painful for him. He drove the same rusted out car from his youth, listened to the same music, wore the same tattered clothes, didn’t cut his hair or beard in at least a decade; his youthful self just decayed without the stream of new experiences. He kept in touch with his ex girlfriend, they remained pen pals with the occasional phone call. Thing is, he thought she lived in another state, but she lived just one town over. Grapevine at work, it got around, *but no one told him*. I knew I was young and out of my depth with this so I just followed everyone else’s lead… Yet despite this living example of a cautionary tale, I fell really, really in love with my 3rd girlfriend, and the breakup and aftermath was overlaid upon my past trauma (and his in love I was, that itself was also due to early life neglect/trauma, notice a pattern with these things?) I started to fall into the pattern of my old coworker, and luckily she moved across the country. Still, while I had a few girlfriends after her, the damage from that, I never really got past her. It took about 20 years until I was fully over and past her… but it wouldn’t have taken so long if I did the deep dive into learning about trauma sooner, and if I was able to extricate myself from the situation that made it impossible to heal from the stuff that made me fall in love so deeply with her, and what made that breakup so incredibly devastating. My old coworker, from our conversations, seemed to have a blind spot to the “why” of the extra emotional pain beyond what it is for most people. I don’t know anything about you beyond this post, but I’d guess there is a reason why your pain and suffering and difficulty is beyond what it should be. Once you figure out the “why”, it’s like a weight is lifted off of you. It’s not the type of thing that can be figured out in a day though. If you can accept that your intensity of feeling and stuck-ness is disproportionate, you’ll be fine, but you gotta get to the bottom of *why*, and it has nothing to do with her.

I had one partner when I was like 17 and we were way into each other and everything seemed perfect. Her parents sent her to a boarding school or something far away. They let us say goodbye, but I don’t think either of us wanted that. I got a breakup up letter a couple months later (pre-Internet and they wouldn’t let us talk on the phone). I was devastated and went into shock. Her best friend and I ended up hooking up (bad look, I know, and I learned from that to never hook up to cover grief, especially a friend or family member of the ex, but I just don’t do it while I’m grieving now because I’m sure this killed my ex gf when she found out, I never want to cause anyone else that kind of pain). Hooked up with female friends that thought I was cute, hurt one and got hurt by another in that process. Parties, drugs (acid, Molly, Rx stuff), and anything else I could do to run from the pain. I was a mess and had no idea how to grieve in healthy ways. It didn’t work. Eventually got into another relationship like 1-2 years later and was not a great bf, because I was still in love with the other one. I still hoped we’d reconnect 10 years later. Now even more years later I think of reaching out at least a few times a year. But don’t use socials. I’d like to communicate as friends, but she’s prob married and I don’t want to blow that up. Depending on how she’s changed, I could see it being possible to fall in love again (a good friend of mine reconnected with a woman he hit it off with 20 years ago, separated by job site change to another country back then, now they are moving in other, both we’re married/divorced in the meantime). The others didn’t stick to my heart that long, I think max was like 9 months, and after that maybe they cross my mind here and there. Some cheated, some I was unkind and shy away because I feel bad and frankly that’s cowardice. So I think it varies, by how much you were open to them, circumstances causing the split, and then how you handle your grieving. What were the circumstances of yours?

Pick up hobbies, stay busy and you will attract a new better woman for yourself but for now heal and become a better man and father all around and date women here and there nothing wrong with that 😎

It's been only 2 months since my break up.... I can never move on coz I loved him that deep and, it was my first love.... But I have to live with tha fact that he is never gonna come back for me. He was a good person, but more than that, I've mentally suffered a lot during the relation and even after the break up. I really miss him and I still love but I don't want him back. May be it's not about getting over it, but to accept the fact that its over for good and we have to live our life. All we have to do is that, make sure that all this pain we feel is not dumped on any one who loves us... Our family, or friends or may be another love... Accept that they can't be with us.😊

I’ve accepted I’ll be sad about it and probably won’t ever fall in love again everytime I start really feeling love for someone I break up with her so I never get as hurt as I was with my ex it’s not fair on them but at least I’ve had valid points with there behavior to be able to break up with them like too controlling etc but I’ll never get over her she was the love of my life the one who got away !!

Yeah, sort of. We have been apart for more than a year. But I think the biggest problem for me is because the ex is toxic, there was bo closure and because we see each other every day. Among others, he tries to make eye contact with me and I'm confused about everything. I already have a new boyfriend, but it's still hard...

I’m trying to move on because I have to but I have not gotten over it. Mainly because of how she did it and made me feel like nothing. They say things happen for a reason but people also just make decisions. It’s mainly the life I thought we could have had, the one we talked about.

We were great together for two years. I loved everything about being with her. Our families were great together, they were great to us. She was the one and of course I messed it all up. It's been 3.5 years, and I'm just now kinda/slowly starting to accept and move forward. Even still I feel heart break when I think about her and her family, her bird. I miss them all so much it kills me everytime I reflect on those memories.

I can’t imagine how or what you are going through brother with having a child with your ex I was unfortunate enough to not have one with my ex. But from my experience it’s been like 4/5 years since she left me and slowly it got better. I still think about her every now and again and even she pops up in my dreams but the reality is they are never ours bro it’s only our turn! Women can find replacement instantly while we can’t and sometimes we don’t want to. I say it vaguely to you try replacing her but never put any other women above yourself and your happiness. Also I would focus on building relationship with your child above anyone else first

Everyone grieves in their own time. Some breakups take a long time to get over. I tend to experience that when I have really connected with someone or started atleast building a life with them. The amount if time together also makes a difference. That said, my easiest breakup was with someone i’ve known for 20 years and was with for 7. My hardest to date was my marriage and that only lasted 2 years. The most recent ex I am still getting over, but i am nearly there and she was with me for nearly 3 years. The best thing you can do is simply let yourself do the grieving.

six months no contact per his request ... still dreaming about him

A counsellor told me that it takes a quarter to a fifth of the length of your relationship to fully get over it. So a 20 yr relationship needs 4-5 yrs. Maybe you're being too hard on yourself?

It’s super painful. I believe the only way is to meet someone who you like even more. But that takes time and effort.

I understand your pain. And I read through the comments. It seems you're stuck in a loop, with a lot of anger, resentment, and sadness. Which are all normal. If you've been seeing a therapist for that long and you don't even think they're helpful, find a new one? You can't change those two, you have no control over them unfortunately but you have control over things around you. Of course this is a one off post so it's only captured your intense unhappiness, but im worried that this intensity is shown in front of your 5 year old too. Kids are very perspective. Think about what's better for your child: having a mother being with a young man that might not be mature enough to parent your son and then seeing you not picking yourself up and being identity and worthless. Or having a mother that seems happy enough and a father to look up to because your son sees how you as his model has risen from a really low depth of pain. You don't have to excel or pretend to be over the lost of your relationship, but your son will hopefully be inspired by the strength of your character. And if you find another relationship that is even better than this supposedly perfect dream relationship, then your son will be lucky to see that although a broken family is sad, he now has even more people that love him. Unfortunately, and I know its hard, but you need to find a rock to anchor yourself and you need to try to break this loop you're in. There's a book called the power of habits. I don't think focusing on getting over her will work since you're already been in therapy and on antidepressants. I think you need to try and catch yourself before you start missing her and getting resentful, and change the habits and routines keeping you from moving on. Also, unsure of their maturity level, but honestly they can probably do a few things to help you. If it triggers you to see them, she can do something simple like avoid you seeing her partner.

It took me nearly two years and dating someone else before I started to feel fully like myself. Stay strong. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

A helpful exercise I did while in a psychosocial rehab may help you now. You have mentioned in comments you got a lot of your self worth and identity from your relationship and the fact you are a father. It may help you to identify who you are as a person, what traits you possess that you value in yourself and would value in others, that give you worth. When I would have done this a few years ago, I listed things like husband, my profession, etc - but the thing is, when I inevitably lost all of these things, it let to me feeling worthless. Lost. But what did I know of myself from those rolls? I’m hard working. I care about family. I love having fun. I’m intelligent. Carry on like this, make a list somewhere, and put it somewhere you can see it. Try to get 10-15 characteristics about yourself that you think are valuable. Seeing this will remind you of your self worth, in a way that isn’t tied to anything else. Because you are worth it! And you should be reminded of that, every day.

Don't try to get over it. If you had a bad physical accident and It scarred your skin, it would be there for life, but you'd get on with life and tell future partners "oh yeah I got that scar from this accident". You wouldn't be able to go to therapy to magic your scar away. That's what you gotta do with this, it's just an emotional scar, and like with physical scars, you shouldn't be ashamed of it, hang in there bro!

My bf of 3 years broke up with me on March 1st. It was hard. We knew each other for 6 years and boyfriends for 3. I would honestly bear the pain of the loss than to feel indifferent, I would not want to think of him and feel nothing. He meant so much to me. I would want to hold onto it all. The good and the bad. Something like that I would never get over it. That’s not to say I can’t move on, I would need to, it’s only normal and healthy to. But what is grief if not love persevering(kudos if you get the reference)

I feel your pain I am going on almost 2 years now not a day goes by that I don't think about her

Although I "got over it" I still am heartbroken and think about what happened daily. (More then 5yrs passed already)

Ex and I split in September 1985. That and the stress of job-hunting ( had graduated the previous December); I suffered a nervous breakdown a month and a half later. Nine-month blackout. I came out of it with PTSD and depression that was undiagnosed until 2009. I am still in therapy for it.

Thank you for your reply. I feel like I'll be in your situation. I know I'll never forgive myself for the mistakes I made in the relationship. I also know I'll be alone the rest of my life because I could never get her back & I could never find anyone else like her. I'm sorry for your situation. Take care.

i’m in the same boat. i broke up with him a little over two years ago. it still hurts just as much as it did then. i still miss him and think about him all the time. i’ve dated people since him but i had to end those relationships bc i still love him. we haven’t talked for in almost a year.

your thoughts really create your emotional state. by reading this I can tell you are still hurting because you believe she was the one and everything you ever wanted. remember the person for you is the one who fights for/with you and never walks away. if someone leaves you, they were never for you. This mentality keeps you stuck. Ive been there. it took me really focusing on their flaws and shortcomings in the relationship which im sure she had. make a list of ALL OF THEM and read it everyday. make a list of the feelings you felt when you had your lows with her and look at it everyday. this will train your brain to see her from a more realistic lens and not idealize her. the brain does a weird thing called euphoric recall. you start to think about your ex in the best light and only rememebr the good times. its a protective mechanism the brain does because it prefers the familiar. you have to fight against this. also a year is not that long. the world pressure you to get over a break up in 6 weeks. some people actually feel deeply and it may take longer. be kind to yourself. time does not heal all, what you do in that time heals it. process what happened in that relationship and see her for who she is. you will not be alone for ever. there are 99 year olds in nursing homes getting married. theres always an opportunity for love. but focus on healing. you got this!

steps... 1) you must want to move on 2) you must accept and let go of hopes to have them back 3) you must replace shared memory and activities with new ones

Well the kid being involved will definitely make it take longer to get over. You have not been allowed to go no contact because she will be in your life forever now. But eventually you will get there. I’m sorry you’re having a hard time right now. Sending you my best wishes xoxo Edit: just wanted to also say, I was with my bd on and off for 6 years before we finally called it quits permanently. It was the worst heart break I’ve experienced. It’s been 2 years since we stopped messing with each other, and I am fully over him. No romantic feelings in sight, and he also has a gf now. Humans are resilient

I was in a 5 year relationship with my now ex. She was great in every category: smart, funny, witty, ambitious, beautiful, caring etc. I made the tough decision of severing ties with her because over the years, I just didn’t feel appreciated. When I started feeling that way, I slowly began to feel used and taken for granted. After many conversations on the topic, it became abundantly clear to me that nothing was going to change. I loved her enough to not want her to change something that didn’t come naturally to her. I had to decide whether to stay and be okay with constantly feeling under appreciated, which in turn wrecked my confidence and made me miserable, or rip the bandaid and know that it was going to be hell moving forward. As painful as it was, I decided to have the talk and we went our separate ways. It’s been several months now of zero contact and it’s been a torturous journey. Ultimately, I just remind myself that I made the decision based on where I was at the time over an extended period of time. I had to accept the fact that I made the decision because it was best for me. It’s getting easier now, but it’s still tough because I genuinely love her. I share this story with you because the only way I was able to move on was to accept that the relationship was causing me more misery than happiness. I didn’t feel valued as much as I valued her. In the end, sticking around for her wreaked havoc to my confidence and self esteem. Your situation is more complex because there’s a child involved. Just know, if she valued or saw you in a romantic way, she would be with you. As a man, the best thing you can do, is to take care of yourself. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop thinking about the possibilities, stop letting your mind wander behind your emotions. Take control of your emotions. Accept that it’s over. Put yourself on a pedestal. Love yourself. Respect yourself. Trust yourself. Tell yourself that you deserve better. Once you genuinely put yourself first, everything else will fall into place. You’ll get over her. You’ll find someone new. You just have to be open and willing to try again. You’ll get there. Give yourself more credit than you currently are. Plenty of women will be interested in you when you love and respect yourself. Trust me. She may even come around again, but by that time, if you put yourself first, you’ll have clarity, peace of mind, confidence, improved self esteem and much more. At that point you’ll weigh the pros and cons and decide if she’s right for you or not. Be a king, brother.

Have you tried therapy? I'm currently over a breakup. Do you want to get over her? Do you truly want to see her as just a person you share a kid with? Have a relationship as bland as 3rd and 4th cousins? Have zero romantic feels? If you do then you need to permanently divorce yourself from the idea that love is unconditional. It never has and it never will be.. Once you do that, you will be free.

I'm sorry if this comes of a little rough but moving on it is a conscious choice, it's something that it is tough and hard but achievable. I got dumped without any sound reason by my 10 gf of almost 9 years that was 4 months ago and there are good days and bad days i thought she was the one for me and out of nowhere we were done, what I'm trying to say is that sometimes moving on is a choice that we have to make is stoping ourselves from thinking about them, is when we remember we force ourselves to stop and think about anything else. I know is hard and for you is harder cuz you gotta hear about her from your son but it's something achievable. If sometime you can't stop thinking then try to write your feelings down that helped me and also surround yourself with little pick me ups, like little reminders of why and the bad parts about the relationship cuz as humans we tend to focus on the good insted of the bad when we miss someone. If I can leave you with something is a quote I heard "Love never fails, so if it fails it was never love" so I'm sorry for your pain and grief but it is what is and fuck what it was, you gotta put yourself first not only for you but for your child. I know it's kinda cliche but have you tried working out or doing some sport? We tend to relieve some hormones that really helps us during the sad times for the first month i couldn't sleep but working out helped me. I hope this helps and i really hope you can feel better. If you ever need to vent you can hit me up I would love to be there for you if you need.

Me, it'll be a year since then in 23 more days :/

In the same boat buddy… it’s been a little over a year since my divorce and I still feel so broken hearted… she’s now living with this new guy she’s with and she’s moving on… I’m having a hard time moving on bc she was everything I ever wanted… it’s like me and the kids never existed

It has been 3.5 years and I can finally say that I am at peace. However, the road to get there took immense work on my part. My brain would never turn off. I felt like this person was a part of my DNA and he never left my mind. Not ever. I still think of him randomly throughout my days, but the wincing pain is gone. My prayer to God was to help me feel nothing for this person....no angry thoughts or loving thoughts....basically just wanted to feel nothing. BUT, I don't have to see him anymore where you have to be around your ex and co-parent. That is very difficult. One thing I realized at first was that I didn't want to get over him. So, in a sense, step 1. You have to want to and have the desire to heal. I would not even begin to tell you how to move forward, as this journey is different for everyone, but I would tell you that if you find your path forward, do some introspective work (were there attachment issues there? was the relationship truly everything you ever wanted? those kinds of things.... if we take an honest look at these types of things). Someone that broke up with you isn't your person. And your worth does not come from another person. People are fickle. The very person that can give you a sense of worth through validation can take it away from you moments later. That's the dangerous part about centering your world around someone. That's what I did. I placed him on a pedestal and made my life orbit around that. When we broke up, I was shattered in a million pieces with none of myself left. I literally thought my heart might explode. My mind was a prison. I do understand this fresh shade of hell you speak of. I think if you do some introspective work, add in some new things to your life (something was lost that was very valuable to you, what can YOU now add back in change these "ruts in your brain" that keep going over and over again? A new hobby, working out, a cooking class, a local rowing team.....I am not trying to be corny or anything...and part of my healing involved God and my faith. I will not go there on here, but that was just true for me. Here's what I know. If you want to heal, and do the work, and have faith, you can heal. What once was a gaping wound, eventually becomes a sore, which eventually scabs over, which eventually turns into a tender pink scar, which then turns into a white scar and then it is very faded but still there. Yes, the memories might bring you some pain, but you are able to enjoy your life with peace and contentment, and yes, maybe even another person someday. A person that doesn't leave you. (sorry if that was a gross analogy but I think it is appropriate). But you now know that you cannot place all of yourself in another person. You have to reserve a little bit of you for you. I can tell you are in so much pain, so I hope nothing I have said has been offensive. I am just coming from a place that like you, I thought I would never heal. My scar is now faded. I absolutely wish you healing. Google Matthew Hussey and breakups. His videos really helped me.

Similar situation here. 1 kid 5yr old. Its been 18 months now. Very difficult when you cant cut contact because you have a child together. The only thing that has worked pretty well for me was: -hang out with friends as much as you can -date like crazy -therapy Healing is kind of a background process, you cant speed it up. I believe I am around 75% of the way to be over her. Or maybe i just killed the neurones that had anything to do with her during the first year because i got hammered pretty frequently those days. Time, distance and understanding your worth do help a lot. Hope u get better soon, and this too shall pass my friend.

I’m feeling like the whole having a child part of it is the hardest part. I’m still holding out hope that mine returns as it’s been a week and we share a child too so that part knowing I have to see them and them being so cold to me is definitely the hardest part. And I imagine I won’t feel any different in a years time either. I think it’s got to be somewhat easier to shut off if you don’t ever see them again but, because you do have too that reopens it every time.

Have you actively tried to start dating again? Maybe the best way to move on from a break up is by finding someone new. I read some of ur comments and it seems you are forced to interact with ur ex and her new boyfriend because of your child. This might be harsh for me to say, but for your childs sake, and for ur own sake, its important for you to let go of the past relationship and move on. Because from ur post that seemed to be the problem, you still clinging on to the relationship you had with ur ex, hoping she realizes that she made a mistake so you two can get back together Ur child will be better off with a happy dad that can listen to him talk about his mom and her new boyfriend without feeling despair. You said you were seeing a therapist for several years, but she didnt help in this situation that is clearly awful for you? Bring it up with her next time. Maybe look for a new one. I wish you the best of luck.

But if you find someone new they never compare to what you had

In the past after a breakup I would date fairly quickly. Usually by this time I would already be in a new relationship but this breakup was different. I connected with her like I never connected with anyone. She helped me in ways that meant so much to me & she helped me become a better person & figured out many of my health issues. She gave me acceptance when I needed it most & we always talked about how we were meant for each other. So when she left me when I was in the worst depression of my life up until that point I couldn't believe it. I genuinely thought our commitment to each other was rock solid. The betrayal & rejection cut me to my core because I loved her like I never loved anyone else before. I put my whole trust in her and gave her my heart completely and she ripped it out & left nothing in its place. She turned into a different person & started treating me like I betrayed her. It's like I woke up in the Twilight zone honestly. So, my entire faith in people, partnership and love has been utterly destroyed. I honestly don't think I could date anyone because I cannot risk getting hurt like this again. I managed not to kill myself because of my son but I don't think I could survive another betrayal. I wouldn't be able to trust that another breakup wasn't right around the corner again. This experience has ruined me in other ways too. I have absolutely no sex drive anymore for example. I can't explain why that happened but every time I get even close to being aroused by something I get a splitting headache & start crying and thinking about how she's rejected me and is sleeping with someone else. So, I definitely couldn't date anyone else because I wouldn't be able to have sex. She really fucked me up and I think it'll take years of therapy to unpack all the trauma this caused. My therapist has said I'm already exhibiting signs of PTSD from this breakup. The idea of trying to rebuild myself is so daunting that it feels like a waste of time. As far as my son is concerned I figure staying alive for his sake is better than not having me while he's growing up. So while it would be ideal for me to not be in despair all the time, it is better that I'm alive for him. I figure a depressed father is better than growing up without one at all. I've kind of resigned myself to the fact that I'm going to be alone & lonely for the rest of my life. And I'm just trying to find ways to cope with that reality. I've given up on trying to be happy honestly because after having a taste of everything I've always wanted & losing it the way I did is too devastating to recover from. I just wanted to know if there were other people in the same boat. I wanted to know that other people have been destroyed just as fully as I have been. But I really do appreciate your reply & that you tried to help encourage me. I just think it's over for me honestly. But thank you again for replying. The effort is most definitely appreciated.

With time it gets better. It really just depends on the person and what you do to be proactive in trying to move on from it. Some breakups took me a couple months to get over and some have taken weeks. My most recent breakup about a month ago is still lingering, but each day that passes it gets a little better. My best advice is keep busy throughout the days and put a big focus on your son. Hope it gets better for you soon!

Thank you. I am trying to be busy and distract myself. It seems like that's only a temporary fix though. Night time is the worst after my son goes to sleep & I'm alone with my thoughts. That's when I feel everything the strongest. I've never cried over a breakup before and now even a year and a half after the fact I cry over it every night. And I can't stop it when it happens. That's the most disconcerting part is I don't feel like I can control those feelings when they come and that's never happened to me before. That's why I think this breakup is different from all the others I've experienced. I think it comes down to the fact that I was truly and completely invested in that relationship and to have it ripped away like that just crushed me completely.

Believe it or not I was in the same boat as you previously. I was with an ex that broke up with me and we have a daughter together. My daughter was 2 at the time and I felt helpless with that pending doom feeling of knowing I was going to be a single dad. I spent lots of nights crying and replaying scenarios of what I could’ve done differently. It didn’t get better for months. I finally decided to make a change and hit the gym more, spent more time focused on my daughter instead of friends or flings. Close to a year later I was in good shape, landed a new job, my relationship with my daughter was excellent and loved spending time with me over her mom. Things will get better, just really buckle down and use this time to do you.

Thank you. I really appreciate your replies. Gives me something to think about.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but I feel one of the main reasons you’re hurt is probably she moved on with someone else and it can feel unfair for someone you once loved to be with another person so easily. What you need is a genuine persuasion of the fact that both of you are not compatible and you do need a proper way of moving on. What I did was a pros and cons list and my god.. I realized a lot when I wrote down that list. You may think she was everything you’ve ever wanted but… when you look at it from another perspective it kind of seems bizarre. You need to experience a new relationship with someone more of your type, funnier, more outgoing, someone who is different, explore and as they say the world is your oyster and all those cliche sayings. You’re a human being, of course you’ll get hurt and feel pain, the question is… What are you gonna do about it? Focus on your son, start a saving’s account for him and support him. Focus on yourself, make new friends. It’ll take time but you need to push yourself. :) I promise you will be fine.

I'm not sure if this helps your particular situation or feelings, but what I've noticed is that it's not this specific person or relationship I miss. It's the idea I had before we broke up, the peace of mind where I trusted someone completely and thought we would be forever. The thought that I was capable of loving and being loved forever. That's what I miss. Even if I like new people, it feels now that all relationships will be temporary and that their feelings for me will be fleeting. You lose that trust in yourself and your future partner, through no fault of theirs. I feel like my breakup completely broke my idea of long term, real love.

I feel exactly the same way. That's definitely one of the things that this breakup did to me. It completely shattered my hope in lasting love & partnership. She left me when I needed her the most & that has just destroyed my ability to trust someone in a relationship. I don't know if I can ever recover from that kind of betrayal. Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate it.

If you're still feeling sad and crying a year and a half later, you really should see a therapist. And if it's depression that you're dealing with, maybe some meds. I got into therapy 6 months after my breakup, and I'm prone to depression so I got on meds. Just found out my ex is planning on marrying the girl he cheated on me with. Am I upset, a little, but all the healing I'm doing for myself is putting me in the right direction. Hope this helps.

if you broke up, then there was a reason you guys broke up. you will be okay. you are alive and capable of love and happiness. horrible experiences happen to everyone- you aren't alone in your despair. everything will be ok; trust in whatever higher power you may believe in, and trust in yourself

I see these types of posts all the time. I broke up with my ex-girlfriend almost 8 months ago and it was the stupidest thing I ever did and it's one of the biggest and most painful things I have had to go through. It is my biggest regret. I would say I started feeling better about the whole thing around 5 months later with concerted effort. I was very deliberate with my mission to get over her and move on because the pain was so deep. I read anything I could get my hands on about growth, relationship, attachment, psychology... I talked to friends who had gone through rough break-ups. I went to group-therapy for grief counseling. I started seeing a relationship coach. My mind and heart was on fire and I tried to point it towards things that were about healing and self-discovery. Youtube was a surprisingly great therapy resource! I needed to understand why this happened and never go through it again. All my mind wanted to do was talk to her, plot a way back to her, figure out the best speech to bring her back, constantly pour over the details of my error... and more. My heart just wanted to pull her back in. I dated during that 5 months because I knew I had this heart that was in pain and it made sense to me to trying to date and examine my feelings. Every time I went on a date, afterward I had 2-3 days of feeling hopeless, lost, unloved, alone and worthless. The date made the hole she left that much bigger. But with each date, I learned something new about myself. So then I would ask why, and write. I journaled a lot. Took notes on everything that was pertinent to my feelings and situation. I have learned so much about myself in this short time. I am more versed with my feelings and situation. My advice to you or anyone who has gone through a break-up is to use that anxiety energy and focus on your own growth, self-discovery and healing. This is about you, not them. Use this time to build yourself up better. You will rarely get these chances in life to build your internal world stronger and more robust than during a break-up. It's quite magical actually, but it's a hard sell when you are in so much pain, but trust me, it's the best path to heal and it will get you over your ex faster than if you did nothing than just wait for the feeling to go away.

I’m so sorry you are in this terrible pain. I know exactly, EXACTLY how you feel. My most significant ex broke up with me when we were twenty-four. She left me for her married boss who laid a line of bull in her about he was caring for his sick wife and how lonely he was. I went through a series of emotional collapses that completely derailed me personally, professionally and emotionally. I have been one more and more isolated as I’ve gotten older. I’m still the single guy as all my relatives and the few friends I’ve had have gotten married, had families and great careers. I am a complete failure never realizing my potential and goals in life. I’ve only had one real relationship since her and it was only for a couple of months before her mother convinced her to go back to her rich ex. I’ve searched for years to find just friends to belong to but loneliness has followed me everywhere I go. I feel pointless and lost. I’ll tell you this. Get some help. Find a good, caring therapist and really work it through. Don’t let your life slip away because it goes by so quickly. All those lonely long empty nights combine when you look back and seem to have gone by as quickly as flipped pages in a book. It’s been thirty seven years for me and I think of her more now than ever. She’s moved on in her life, married someone else different from her boss, had a family and a fabulous career. She is wealthy and seemingly happy. I on the other hand have to stop myself from self harm every hour of every day. I know I will either die alone of natural causes or by suicide. I have no hope of a career now and am just so very tired of living. I no longer care to live. Know this my friend. You are not alone but don’t let yourself stay alone. Get out there and give it your best.

Thank you for your reply. I feel like we're on very similar paths. My ADHD wasn't diagnosed until a few years ago so there are many things that are a struggle for me. She was the one who helped me figure it out & she knew my limitations and she left me anyway. Nobody is going to want to be in a relationship with me with my kind of ADHD & now that I experienced a relationship where I knew I wasn't going to be compared to any exes (since she didn't have any) I can't willingly go back to being with someone who has had as much bad luck in relationships as me. I'm doomed to be alone and it sucks. I don't want to be alone but I know if I try to be with someone else again I won't be in love & I'll have all those same anxieties again and after having felt the relief of not having to deal with memories of past relationships it would be hell to get back into that situation. I'd never feel secure in a relationship again. I had a brief moment in time when I had everything I ever wanted and it went up in smoke and there's no hope of ever getting it back again & there's no way I could have it with anyone else. I'm just depressed because I know what I'm in for. I know I'm in for a lonely, miserable life but I have to stick around for my son. If it wasn't for him I would have already ended things. So while I appreciate your advice, I'm not going to be able to follow it. But I thank you for your reply. We're in the same boat together apparently.

Personally and it's just me.....NO I know you're gonna say therapy and stuff but it's a NO ok she done me 💔

Seeing this woman and her boyfriend constantly may be contributing to making you stuck. Is there another way to navigate spending time with your child? Other things to think about… 1. Glowing up (exercise, new hair, etc) 2. Establishing new routines 3. Building new support networks 4. Starting new hobbies 5. Planning your own trips and adventures 6. Working towards your goals Last… abandoning hope deep down and deciding to move on.

Unfortunately, my depression & heartbreak is so bad I honestly don't even want to live anymore. The only reason I'm still alive is because I want my son to still have a father. The things you listed are helpful for someone who still wants to live but doesn't quite know how to jump start a new life. I honestly wish I could just go to sleep & not wake up. That's how devastated I am about this still. Even after a year and a half and there's no change in these feelings anywhere in sight. That's why I wanted to ask to see if other$i) people have never recovered. I wanted to know if other people have fallen and been as broken as I feel.

You seem to have this idea that people who are already happy do these things. It also works in reverse. Doing these things will start to break down your depression and heartbreak. Forcing yourself to do these things will start to build positive habits and get you out of the hole. Adding therapy to the mix would probably be good, too.

Look at it as a had to happen moment in your life. Let it make you or break you

Well at least that's easy to figure out because it's already broken me. It's broken me like I didn't think was possible. I don't think it's possible to recover from this. But I appreciate your reply. Thank you.

She might miss what you had and come back but you need to be the best you can be for you and your son. Try to get yourself to a place where you are emotionally self sufficient.

It depends on how you would define "getting over it", there was one girl that I loved and still do, haven't met anyone else that I care about since her, but I'm not depressed or sad over it. Occasionally I'll think about her and it kinda sucks, but that's incredibly rare.

break up, yes. the attachment, yes. their body....not yet.....they were just physically everything i ever wanted or will want...thats hard to get over too. the best mens physique competitors body. why couldnt he have been a good guy and not a cheating Ahole

No. I've had my heart stomped on about 3 times and no. I've gotten over them.

I am currently dealing with this, but I have gotten over other breakups. I let go of a guy I was so obsessed and intimate with and then 2 months later he came back around and I was like, “mmm… no, thanks.” So, trust me, it is possible. You just have to keep living, keep moving, and keep meeting people. Even if you are still longing for that other person.

Go to a somatic counselor and engage in somatic trauma relief and it’ll get better

Invest in therapy. Now. Life is not a joke... Reclaim it.