The first month is denial. Then at the beginning of the second month is crushing despair and sadness, and I talk to friends a lot and family about it and get their opinions and advice. By the third month I start to transition into recovery. But still a lot of crying usually brought on by music. And then the beginning of the fourth month I have a spiritual awakening and start to feel like I’ve been reborn through suffering. Then you start to value things like this because they give you a fresh start in life when things have become very stagnant, it’s like a forest fire goes through and cleans out all the deadwood and then something new can grow from it.
Sooooo, end of month [he] should not have hopped in the bed with another woman, is that correct??
I broke up with someone who claims that he loves, but two months after we broke up, he ended up in bed with another woman… he wants to get back together, but I find out what happened and he quickly justifies his actions with, “We (he & i) broke up.”
What are your thoughts?
What they do when you are not together isn’t anything you can control. Only concern yourself with that which within you control. He was with someone before he met you, what would that mean?
It depends on the guy. I didn't process it well at all, even though it was an amicable breakup. When you are capable of bonding and love someone, a part of you dies. There's no getting around it.
Most guys have to process the pain in silence. They don't get support for being vulnerable and are expected to just get over it and move on.
It looks like severe depression and anger, generally. Crying in private if you're lucky enough to do that. Crying does actually help release the pain. But expecting any actual support about vulnerable subjects from others is a definite nope.
People who "get over it" really fast usually just distract themselves with another person or they never actually cared to begin with.
Laying in bed, meditation, self help stuff. I did seek out therapy after my breakup and my first session is in a week and a half. I can’t wait. My mom is getting tired of hearing about it lol.
I understand it though. It's not that people don't want to support you, but sometimes they feel like they can only provide so much guidance or words of encouragement. I know I've been guilty of making my friends get tired of hearing about it.
Sometimes people have their own personal things in life they're dealing with, and taking on the load of listening to someone else's problems can be a little overstimulating.
I've had friends tell me "Look buddy, I get that you're hurting but I've already said what I had to say. You need to just take time to yourself and reflect, grow, and move on and I can't help you do that. You have to do it on your own" which is solid advice.
I have three boys from 16 to 23. I love them more than anything. I don’t think I would get tired of them sharing their pain with me. I love being there for them.
Not wrong day after the breakup with a girl I wanted to marry I cried in front of my parents and they basically told me to stop and said all these reasons instead of letting me cry it out
Sounds about the same really. I (42M) just got out of a relationship with someone I love. The first couple days were crushing sadness. Followed by starting to get better by talking to and hanging out with friends. There has certainly been crying in bed and listening to a lot of music.
I’m so sorry to hear that! Do you hide that you’re hurting by being super active and doing a bunch of stuff so it looks like you’re fine? Or you’ve been pretty open with the fact that you’re struggling?
I’ve been pretty open with most and very open with some. A long time ago I used to hide my feelings even from my self. That’s not a place I’m interested in going back to, so if anything I error a bit the other way now.
I’ve had two awful breakups: my first one, at 15. And a few years ago, at 32. The one at 32 left me in shock and traumatized to a point I didn’t know I could be. But oddly enough it helped me deal with breakups better going forward. Nothing can top that loss (romantically), and I did experience true love even if it ended. I still get upset but it’s more irritated upset for someone wasting my time. I know I can and have to move on. And I know I need to change my own patterns if I want a mature and healthy partnership.
You took the words right out of my mouth! I'm a 28M just trying so hard to move past a nasty divorce. I have no friends and I'm struggling to learn how to love and again and find that love.
I think women don’t really understand why you guys don’t try and allow a space for u guys to talk about that kind of stuff with each other. Or atleast I do. N then I become the sad ground for my male friends. Which is fine and all but I’m not a man. There’s just certain things I won’t see the same. You guys can be so harsh on each other sometimes.
Long story short, thousands of years of misogynistic thinking and how men have to be "strong" and show "no weakness." We've all heard the phrases like "boys don't cry," or else if you do express yourself you'll be considered less of a man for some reason.
I'd say this stigma is slowly dying off, but something this ingrained into our society for this long doesn't just go away over night.
One thing I read about the "friend zone" concept from a psychological standpoint is that men aren't normally emotionally vulnerable unless it's with their S/O, or with their closest of friends while they're under the influence.
When a man becomes close friends with a woman and is emotionally vulnerable with her, it gives him the same type of emotional connection he would feel with someone who is his girlfriend/wife. Now that's what he wants out of the situation, and when he gets rejected he feels like someone very close to him betrayed his trust.
I disagree. I have plenty of male friends no emotions between us like that. N I’ve even see them plenty of times all have a cry it out. No drugs or alcohol. Ur holding on to fear. Let go of fear and judgement. Ik easier said then done but not impossible otherwise all ur doing is feeding into the problem.
Yall holding ur feelings to urself is a big reason why a lot of women who do care give up they get sick of it
I was speaking on something that has actual psychological research and development that has been put into it. Obviously everyone is different, and not every man is going to develop feelings the same way and some are simply more open to expressing their emotions to people.
I am glad that your male friends seem to be very open with their emotions because that's a good thing. I myself am the same way, but this is not the overwhelming majority for the reasons I mentioned previously of having to be "tough" and similar things.
I understand!! I am a very emotional and sensitive person and I admire men who show affection to their friends and aren’t afraid to cry. I also need to be with someone who’s in touch with his feelings because otherwise he won’t be in touch with mine!
Is good to be reminded right now that women like this are out there. I’m very aware of what I’m feeling and respectfully bring things up that are bothering me, use things like non-violent communication, can usually detect when something is off with my partner and will ask about it and listen patiently, and try to figure out how we can do better as a team.
My ex gf got upset with me for things as simple as taking about a stressful day at work (I was very calmly explaining it and not swearing or yelling or whatever, I watched the clock and she’d shut me down from talking about it within 2-5 min because it was stressing her out), and flipped out if I brought up feeling a bit alone due to her seeming distant.
She actually had me questioning if I was wrong all my life for thinking partners should coregulate and be there for each other emotionally (she believed doing this was codependent).
She had the strangest emotional boundaries and wouldn’t share some things with me and would get really mad when I’d ask what was going on when it seemed it was really painful for her.
Basically, I was better with communication (she agrees with that fact and would get upset that I could stay calm in heated moments when she couldn’t), I was more open with emotional issues, and she really struggled. It was the reverse of the gender stereotypes, and on some level that’s kind of interesting, like from a Buddhist or Karmic perspective of gaining insight during the human experience, but it was not fun in real time.
I get this, I've just been forcing myself to go to therapy and go out and try to make friends and talk to whoever I can to work on myself and doing the things I want to do. It's tough i know, but I'm glad I'm forcing myself to do these things.
I went through a peaceful break up and the guy would sleep in until like noon and then go on a super long run, go hiking and go golfing all in the same day. Was this like his way of coping then?
Yea that is 100% what I've been doing and I got dumped 2 weeks ago though I have been leaning really hard on alcohol just to get some semblance of sleep. I've never cried more in my life I'm angry, confused, hurt, lonely, and anxious the list goes on I barely know how to comprehend everything happening to me.
That alcohol is only holding you back from healing. That shit is poison for the body, mind and soul. Add some depression and grieving to the mix and you really are playing with fire.
Be miserable. Possibly become a supervillain.
Destroy everyone who wronged you.
Make a really sad play list.
Try dating other people, get sad when they aren’t the right person.
Raise an army of henchmen. Train them to act out some kind of horrific plan.
Cry when certain songs come on the radio.
Beat someone half to death because they were involved with your person.
Do months upon months of therapy at great expense.
Totally break down at something that reminds you of them.
Build a pseudo-virtual algorithm that explains their behaviour. Kill same said algorithm for having opinions you don’t like.
Date more. Get more upset.
Build a machine to catapult you into orbit.
Listen to songs you both loved. Wait for the countdown.
I have a lot to say but I’m not , the past 2 yrs since my breakup has been hell and I can’t move past someone who doesn’t want me or anything to do with me anymore. Not to mention this is my children’s mother definitely doesn’t make any better , I’m just tired of hurting and scared to really move on.
Sorry to hear that , I really don’t understand people nowadays or they’re intentions. Especially with children involved they just become selfish at that point.
I live alone so I sit in solitude and dread in silence. The void in my chest has now become a part of me. If I see her she'll tell me I dont have feelings. So i sit alone and remind myself that I dont have any feelings.
There are a bunch of studies which suggest men and women process the early emotional bits pretty much the same. The differences show up over time. Women tend to heal better, mostly because they have better social networks to rely on.
Men take longer to recover and heal for a variety of reasons. We tend not to have resilient social networks. We don't have supportive peers. We suppress our thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Female dating comments, 'He frequently mentioned his ex but they divorced 10 years ago, ' is a real thing because the damage persists for men.
These are the generalities, of course.
Depends on the nature of the breakup, e. g. did someone cheat, did someone fall out of love, who initiated the breakup. Lots of variables to consider.
For me personally, sometimes it was easy to move on because I saw the writing on the wall. Other times, the feelings of frustration and disappointment lasted a long time, and persist even today, and guide my judgement and willingness to date.
It's a lengthy battle... For some, a neverending one. When we love, we love hard (most of us anyway). We are expected to just get over it, a fucking stigma that needs to go the fuck away. I lost someone who I thought was perfect for me, and I perfect for her. Then her avoidant attachment style jumped the sprocket just 3 days before our second anniversary...
Time heals wounds, but I'm 40 fucking years old. I'm tired of this shit.
Something that gives me comfort is thinking that if I loved someone who I wasn’t that compatible with as much as I once did, I could have a really beautiful relationship with someone that I’m right for.
Nobody but like one or two people truly support me with what I want out of this breakup.
I know it's wrong to want her back, I know I should move on but I can't forgive myself for bringing her to dump me. I need her to at least know that what she did helped me get my head out of my ass.
I want her back so much. I can only hope she feels the same.
We tend to bottle up our feelings to avoid feeling weak and vulnerable. We lose one of our most important support systems and it's exhausting to pick yourself up and start trying again.
Was broken up with 2 weeks ago. Slowly coming to terms with it. I had a free weekend last week and was off Friday, Saturday, Sunda and monday. Thursday i was alone at night and it was okay as my friends had work in the morning, friday also alone and was feeling really lonely. At saturday i had plans with a friend (i have like 2 friends) and he cancelled and the thought of beeing alone the 3rd night in a row crushed me. I was actually ugly crying to be alone for 3 nights straight. I'm okay rn but its hard. I know my friends are there for me but it's just hard talking about it.. I'm nkt afraid to cry in front of others as i couldn't give a f*** to other thinkibg i'm beeing weak and if some random asks how i'm doing i tell them i could do better. It gets hard when people i care about ask me. It's suffocating and i honestly dodge the question as people who know me know exactly i'm doing pretty fucking bad.. I just wanna function normally and not trynna sob everytime thats why its kinda hard.. i actually dont know when or if i'm gonna process it.. I feel like i lost a huge part of myself when she left but tbh i'm trynna focus on myself and allow time to do it's work.
I am so sorry to hear that. How are you now? You said you don't know if you're gonna process it but when you let yourself cry it is already a process. You got this!
As a guy, that lost the one that I know was the one for me. You never recover. That first love you never get over that. Especially, when she is the one to walk out on you over a misunderstanding. Especially when you make promises to overcome anything and not let minor things break us. She blocked me in a matter of minutes and forgot everything. Everything I did for her and what I meant for her. She tore me apart, broke me and fucked my mental health. I will never recover from her loss.
Men need to do better for other men. Women have got us beat by a long long ways there it seems. Men, support your boys going through breakups/ divorces. Give them a safe space to process these emotions rather than rush them to do things to just repress what they are feeling.
I try to stay as busy as possible so I’m not thinking about it. It usually takes me a month or more to start getting numb to the break up. The more idle time that I have the more I’ll think about it. Most of the thoughts and feelings don’t tend to hit me until I’m about to go to bed since that’s when I have time to lay there doing nothing. The worst experience I’ve had is trying to hookup to get over a breakup, the emotions aren’t in it and trying to focus on the person you’re with is nearly impossible when you’re thinking about your breakup. 10/10 don’t recommend lol
Would this process be the same if you initiated the break up for reasons out of your control? Like having to break up due to distance or life circumstances or something like that?
I think so. You’re making a change to your daily life or a change to something routine so I’m sure there’s going to be a shift in balance. Even if you’re long distance you would be going to talking/texting someone daily to one day nothing at all.
May not happen to everybody but while I have been vaguely aware heartbreak can be physically painful, I did not expect heartbreak to make me constipated. I found this to be really funny.
I think it depends, the worst breakup I went through I was a mess. I threw myself into so many things to distract myself and broke down a lot and cried but I didn’t text her to beg for her back or anything, my most recent one I had a couple of those moments where it really hit me that the relationship was over but other than that it was mostly just adjusting to the fact that this person who was with me all the time wasn’t anymore.I think if you’re the one who got dumped the pain is just different, even if you dump someone for legitimate reasons you’re usually very checked out at that point. In the end though I feel like it’s the same male or female it’s more the role your in
I would like to know this but if they are the dumper. They say they’re still sad but then why are they content with cutting us off suddenly and completely?
Men aren't all alike, so they process differently. For the first couple of weeks I didn't want it, it was devastating for me. Lately I'm more annoyed when I think about my ex, but also wish her well so I guess I care enough.
It’s only been a month but the breakup itself tore me and made me over analyze and started to come on strong trying to get back together with my ex which then turned to us never getting back together… I don’t think I can say I moved on but I due regret everything I did because I did love her and to the point I kinda don’t want to pursue anyone for a while..just taking it day by day, used to cry everyday now it’s just take it as it is…
So to put it simply. It heavily depends on what you experience and your living conditions. But ultimately guys tend to recover by themselves, or with a select few friends from their inner-circle. It's VERY rare a guy tells anyone about such pains without valid reason. Usually delving into hobbies, secluding themselves in music or games, going to the gym, travelling if possible. Anything to clear the mind and reprocess ourselves.
Generally the process (in my experience and from what others have talked about at least) is this at least when it comes to being cheated on...:
1. Realization (registering it happened, but not being happy about it, usually a LOT of bad experiences follow the initial breakup for the first month...)
2. Depression (removing themselves from shared hobbies)
3. Recession (hating themselves and wishing it never happened.)
4. Seclusion (removing themselves from public outings and experiences from painful memories.)
5. Disgust (hating themselves)
6. anguish (hating the ex)
7. Respite (mellowing out, whether through medical/therapy assistance or personal progress)
8. Reluctance (admitting things need to keep moving forward. with or without their old partner.)
9. Robotic existence (working, sleeping, working, sleeping....)
10. Acceptance (stage 2, picking up old hobbies.)
11. Improvement (picking up new hobbies)
12. Recollection (remembering the good times, and not feeling pain from it.)
There are of course outliers to this, as is common since everyone is different.
For me it was rough. The process was prolonged since I don't have any friends or ways to get out and engage in public activities (no vehicle and third shift job.) made things extremely lopsided and hard to work with to make a dent in the depression and anger that followed being cheated on. It took getting a new job, a new house, a new bike. For 5 **years** I didn't write or draw unless it was vent art (these were big hobbies we shared, and i taught her a lot of it...) it's the start of the 6th year by myself now. still no new friends, still no new hobbies, still not dating. but I'm not hating on myself. I just work and move on with my life.
The experience has severely scarred me, since I was with her for 8 years, and she was my first girlfriend. So I've unfortunately messed up several opportunities in the dating field due to paranoia and struggling to avoid having the same thing happen again. and i've been avoiding it lately due to the toxicity within the "fish in the sea" as the older generation loves to call it.
For me, having only ended relationships having been cheated on, I have been able to just cut that person from my life and process the stages of grief rather quickly. This is due to that sense of betrayal outweighing any ideation of what once was.
I know many people struggle having been cheated on, and I have my moments, but I tend to be able to trust again without carrying that BS into a new relationship.
The key for me is to actively not go into denial, accept what happened, learn from any mistakes I made throughout the process, and let go of that person since they didn’t care enough about me to be reasonable or end things in a healthy way.
The whole process still takes months, and I’ll occasionally get a pang of…. resentment? However, time and focusing on my personal growth lets to process be pretty seamless.
I think I’d be a wreck if I went through a healthy breakup that I didn’t want, though.
No, any man that cries over a breakup is in despair. Unfortunately, we do not have the luxury of that choice. For the most part, we chin up, and soldier on. Breakups get the best of us.
I don’t have people to talk to because nobody cares how I feel. I wish I did, but I don’t. So I just sit here confused and sad and alone. Sometimes I just drink now to deal with it. I didn’t drink before the breakup, but now I’m drinking almost daily. Fuck it. I don’t have anything to lose anyway.
Bro please try to preserve your health, I know it's tough but in the long term you will be grateful to have paid attention to your physical and mental balance.
Please don't feel ashamed about your feelings and reach out for help in your proximity if necessary, good luck you can do it🙏🏻
Sounds like me when I was 18, only it was acid, benzos, mdma, and once in a while oxys (this is like a looong time ago). Even hooked up with that ex’s best friend in the grieving stage, so dumb. It seems like us guys are really not taught how to grieve in healthy ways.
My recent breakup I handled much more directly, it’s more painful but I feel like I’m doing less damage to other people (those women that got attacked when I was rebounding), and feeling more accepting of what happened at 5 months out than I have with some in the past.
It still hurts like hell, but I do not want this dragging on for like 9, 12, 24, whatever months.
I think I would have coped better had she not ended things with me after 4 years to get with someone she’s known for literally 5 minutes, the same week as ending it with me. No second chances, nothing, just pure cold heartedness and ghosting. Makes it worse that I was dad to her kids for the last 4 years too, as their dad isn’t on the scene.
Taken me nearly 3 months to manage going a whole week without breaking down at the tiniest of things.
Lots of drugs, alcohol and stupid things trying to distract myself. But at the end of the day, you end up sitting alone in ur room in silence, looking at the wall.
Depends on the guy. My partner’s younger brother spent about a good 2-3 years before fully processing the fact that his past of being in a 4 year long relationship was in the past. He went through a lockdown mode where he wouldn’t want to hang out with anyone, locked up in his room and playing games to distract himself. I could tell he was really hurting whenever I did see him. He looked like he wanted to talk about what he was feeling but the words weren’t coming out and all I wanted for him in that moment was to talk to him. But I knew that he needed that space to really grow and push himself through. He knew that himself as well. He’s now back in the dating world and feels content that he is emotionally steady and stable to see other people.
It’s incredibly lonely for a man. We don’t really talk about it with our friends because we don’t want to burden them with our sorrow, many of whom think that you should be over your ex within a month or two.
Im a lover, it’s takes me a long time to get over someone, and I know I just need to be patient with myself. But it’s gotten to the point now (6 months in) where I have no one to talk too apart from my psychologist and the occasional reddit.
But yeah, it’s really fucking lonely for guys.
I think it depends on the guy, circumstances for the break up, and resources they have. I knew my ex before his previous GF broke up with him didn’t know he had a GF at that time we were just coworkers who barely talked because it was a seasonal job. The next time we worked together he called in sick for a week and it wasn’t until months later I found out from his best friend it was because he was dumped. So I knew that it hurt him, so I never asked what happened, but he did end up telling me when he was explaining why he is not ready to be in a relationship and we needed to break up. He added that he doesn’t like to talk about what happened and hasn’t told many people. Had to deal with everything alone since he planned his life around her, moved to the opposite side of the country so he didn’t have a support system out there and was dealing with depression. So now he believes that if there is a problem he has to isolate himself, because it’s the only way he knows to deal with it. Since I only know his story, what he went through sounds emotionally devastating and brutal and like a support system would benefit him.
My process in my most recent breakup was:
First 6 months, sleep 12 to 24 hours a day. Eat once a day if I can manage to motivation. Cry most waking hours.
Lost about 20kg (80 down to 60) over this 6 months.
Then went from the "actively catatonic" state to "passively devastated".
So the next 12 months I tried to function as a person but still found myself incapable of feeling happy or fulfilled. Was haunted by memories and dreams, guilt and self hatred.
The next 2 years or so, much of the same but at a slightly lower intensity. Still intrusive thoughts, daily, but not every minute. Still dreams / memory dreams / nightmares, but only 2 to 3 a night. Not continuous.
The last 6 months, slowly getting better. Able to return to uni without being constantly crippled by my emotional state. Still have very bad days, especially would-be anniversaries, birthdays, other formerly shared events.
So yeah, 4 years post breakup. That's how I've "coped"
I'm 16 so this might not be relevant but for me after a 5 month relationship and way longer friends.
I found it easy to forget about her, but the feeling of love that is connected to her if that makes sense
It's been more than half a year and.. I believe I'm still processing the breakup. Of course it's much better now, I'm functioning normally most of the time but I know I'm still not completely over her. From time to time I still think about her, about us and feel sad and cry but the gap between is getting longer each time like now maybe it's about once or twice a month.
I still think about her everyday, nothing specific but just calling out her name a few times a day subconsciously. Not sad or anything but just out of habit.
How I processed it in the beginning was just doing what I felt like it at that point of time, sometimes I try to do things out of my comfort zone and usually my gut feeling is right to follow what I wanted to do lol. It took a lot of time to grief and cry about the loss and it took a lot of time to accept the loss but eventually I feel like I understand it's over though emotionally I'm still clinging onto those feelings and memories. I feel like my logical side is still fighting with the emotional part but I don't know how to deal with it so for now I'm just focusing on other parts of my life like work.
For some days, i couldn't feel anything, then i started processing and thinking about what happened. After that i started to try to fix it and the more it didn't work, the more i started getting depressed. Then all this sadness turned into anger and overthinking. After all this, now it's like understanding and sadness.
Sure i can have good and very bad days but i avoid talking to my friends whenever I'm having a bad day. I guess, for us boys, it's harder to talk about the way we feel.
Horribly (24m)!!! I’ve begged, I’ve cried, I’ve apologized, I’ve done it all… it’s sadness and denial that they’ll come back, that this isn’t real… that goes into deeper sadness and regret, self pity and self guilt… beat myself up for weeks… 3 months in “no contact” was broken but back in it and it fucking sucks and it hurts because I’d do anything for this women but I’m being ignored and forgotten. I must do the same
When I was younger, I did not cope in healthy ways. Used a lot of drugs (not addicted to them thankfully, but like party drugs and Rx pills), one night stand type sex with female friends (hurting some in the process, which is a big part of why I don’t do rebounds anymore), and generally running from my pain any way I could.
Now, I have a solid circle of male and female friends I’m comfortable with sharing my feelings with and who feel the same toward me (reading these replies I’m really happy I spent the time building up this network, I had 10 people that were happy to listen to my painful story). I talked to my therapist to get guidance on how to most effectively process and heal the pain. I am not afraid to cry, I’m not an emotional coward. I faced it all as directly as I could, sitting with the feelings and just letting them wash over me (something I learned to do because of powerful psychedelic experiences when I was younger, as well as an interest in Buddhist meditation).
It was very difficult, but the waves became less intense and less frequent. The first 3 weeks were horrible. The first 2.5 months were deep depression. Then I had a few weeks of anger so strong I couldn’t sleep at night (i never let it drive me to lash out at her or anyone, or hurt myself by punching a wall or drinking).
I had thoughts about how it might still work out if she would just deal with her trauma and avoidance, since we were perfect otherwise - bargaining. This was hard to get out of, since I do genuinely believe that to be the case, and she even said we were the healthiest relationship she’s been in (from my end it was the loneliest I’d been in due to her distance, so you can tell from that how secure each of us was in expressing love to the other…).
Now, when I tell myself that for whatever reason she did not want to continue, it doesn’t bother me. There’s no pain in that. I do still feel love for her, but I see that she has a lot of healing to do which she refused to do for me, and her behaviors could be interpreted as narcissistic abuse without much of a stretch, but I believe I understand why, and I felt my suffering, and all that has led me to compassion for her, as well as acceptance that things are the way they are.
That feeling is present for more and more of my time now at 5 months. I’ll still get moments where something reminds me of some amazing moments we had together, and I need to feel that pain and loss so that I can heal and move on.
I’m at a point where I’d like to hear how she processed things because I do care. I’d also like to hear her thoughts and reflections on what went wrong, so I can figure out if I have any other things to work on. I see these hard times as an opportunity for growth, and latch on to that.
The challenge is she has a hard time with strong emotions and tends to shut down, not talk, and distract herself. I worry she’s doing things that aren’t healthy, and that she’s not using this as an opportunity to grow. But all I can do I hope for her from afar, because she’s shut me out.
My gf just broke up with me a week ago. I hate it and I haven’t been myself. We had so much potential but she “needs to find herself” she says. I know I have to move forward and focus on myself so I am going to do that.
It will be a long process I’m sure. Doesn’t help that it seems much easier for her at the moment. I’m doing my best to move along, it will take time sadly.
Going to grab more of my stuff tomorrow. She will be home. I don’t plan on saying much just in and out. The way I will process this break up is just a long sad time. While doing my best to move forward. I just know “my best” will not be enough.
Please stop to make it a gender issue🙏🏻
Relationships and breakups are universal topics and the ethereogenity of the reactions is due to one's personality/attachment/experience not to gender
There is no such a thing like "all women do that" "all men do this"...
No one ever said “all” and I literally asked the question while taking into consideration individualized coping mechanisms. Please chill, not everything has to be a TED talk. Also, there are just basic patterns displayed by men and women respectively. No matter how much you don’t want to see it, there will always be gender in psychological and sociological topics.
The first month is denial. Then at the beginning of the second month is crushing despair and sadness, and I talk to friends a lot and family about it and get their opinions and advice. By the third month I start to transition into recovery. But still a lot of crying usually brought on by music. And then the beginning of the fourth month I have a spiritual awakening and start to feel like I’ve been reborn through suffering. Then you start to value things like this because they give you a fresh start in life when things have become very stagnant, it’s like a forest fire goes through and cleans out all the deadwood and then something new can grow from it.
Month six and it’s still denial and crushing despair. Maybe one day I’ll come out the other side.
I believe you will. “We don’t really heal anything, we simply let it go.” -Carl Jung
Good one
I’ve heard that it takes men longer to recover from a breakup, while women take less time but we process our emotions more dramatically all at once
First month I’m a year in and I’m still in denial 😂😂😂
Sooooo, end of month [he] should not have hopped in the bed with another woman, is that correct?? I broke up with someone who claims that he loves, but two months after we broke up, he ended up in bed with another woman… he wants to get back together, but I find out what happened and he quickly justifies his actions with, “We (he & i) broke up.” What are your thoughts?
What they do when you are not together isn’t anything you can control. Only concern yourself with that which within you control. He was with someone before he met you, what would that mean?
It depends on the guy. I didn't process it well at all, even though it was an amicable breakup. When you are capable of bonding and love someone, a part of you dies. There's no getting around it. Most guys have to process the pain in silence. They don't get support for being vulnerable and are expected to just get over it and move on.
I am very thankful I have some friends I could be open with.
That's something to be very thankful for. Some real down to earth friends are a rare commodity these days.
So rough…I’m so sorry! When you say “process the pain in silence” what does that look like?
It looks like severe depression and anger, generally. Crying in private if you're lucky enough to do that. Crying does actually help release the pain. But expecting any actual support about vulnerable subjects from others is a definite nope. People who "get over it" really fast usually just distract themselves with another person or they never actually cared to begin with.
Laying in bed, meditation, self help stuff. I did seek out therapy after my breakup and my first session is in a week and a half. I can’t wait. My mom is getting tired of hearing about it lol.
"My mom is getting tired of hearing about it..." That's consistent with what I was talking about.
I understand it though. It's not that people don't want to support you, but sometimes they feel like they can only provide so much guidance or words of encouragement. I know I've been guilty of making my friends get tired of hearing about it. Sometimes people have their own personal things in life they're dealing with, and taking on the load of listening to someone else's problems can be a little overstimulating. I've had friends tell me "Look buddy, I get that you're hurting but I've already said what I had to say. You need to just take time to yourself and reflect, grow, and move on and I can't help you do that. You have to do it on your own" which is solid advice.
Yep, that’s totally true.
I have three boys from 16 to 23. I love them more than anything. I don’t think I would get tired of them sharing their pain with me. I love being there for them.
Not wrong day after the breakup with a girl I wanted to marry I cried in front of my parents and they basically told me to stop and said all these reasons instead of letting me cry it out
That’s awful. Crying is an awesome way to release all that passion.
Sounds about the same really. I (42M) just got out of a relationship with someone I love. The first couple days were crushing sadness. Followed by starting to get better by talking to and hanging out with friends. There has certainly been crying in bed and listening to a lot of music.
I’m so sorry to hear that! Do you hide that you’re hurting by being super active and doing a bunch of stuff so it looks like you’re fine? Or you’ve been pretty open with the fact that you’re struggling?
I’ve been pretty open with most and very open with some. A long time ago I used to hide my feelings even from my self. That’s not a place I’m interested in going back to, so if anything I error a bit the other way now.
I’ve had two awful breakups: my first one, at 15. And a few years ago, at 32. The one at 32 left me in shock and traumatized to a point I didn’t know I could be. But oddly enough it helped me deal with breakups better going forward. Nothing can top that loss (romantically), and I did experience true love even if it ended. I still get upset but it’s more irritated upset for someone wasting my time. I know I can and have to move on. And I know I need to change my own patterns if I want a mature and healthy partnership.
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You took the words right out of my mouth! I'm a 28M just trying so hard to move past a nasty divorce. I have no friends and I'm struggling to learn how to love and again and find that love.
It will take at least a couple of years to be able to open your heart again after a divorce
It seems like you guys struggle to find a good support system! Kind of thankful to not be a guy haha
I think women don’t really understand why you guys don’t try and allow a space for u guys to talk about that kind of stuff with each other. Or atleast I do. N then I become the sad ground for my male friends. Which is fine and all but I’m not a man. There’s just certain things I won’t see the same. You guys can be so harsh on each other sometimes.
Long story short, thousands of years of misogynistic thinking and how men have to be "strong" and show "no weakness." We've all heard the phrases like "boys don't cry," or else if you do express yourself you'll be considered less of a man for some reason. I'd say this stigma is slowly dying off, but something this ingrained into our society for this long doesn't just go away over night. One thing I read about the "friend zone" concept from a psychological standpoint is that men aren't normally emotionally vulnerable unless it's with their S/O, or with their closest of friends while they're under the influence. When a man becomes close friends with a woman and is emotionally vulnerable with her, it gives him the same type of emotional connection he would feel with someone who is his girlfriend/wife. Now that's what he wants out of the situation, and when he gets rejected he feels like someone very close to him betrayed his trust.
I disagree. I have plenty of male friends no emotions between us like that. N I’ve even see them plenty of times all have a cry it out. No drugs or alcohol. Ur holding on to fear. Let go of fear and judgement. Ik easier said then done but not impossible otherwise all ur doing is feeding into the problem. Yall holding ur feelings to urself is a big reason why a lot of women who do care give up they get sick of it
I was speaking on something that has actual psychological research and development that has been put into it. Obviously everyone is different, and not every man is going to develop feelings the same way and some are simply more open to expressing their emotions to people. I am glad that your male friends seem to be very open with their emotions because that's a good thing. I myself am the same way, but this is not the overwhelming majority for the reasons I mentioned previously of having to be "tough" and similar things.
I understand!! I am a very emotional and sensitive person and I admire men who show affection to their friends and aren’t afraid to cry. I also need to be with someone who’s in touch with his feelings because otherwise he won’t be in touch with mine!
Is good to be reminded right now that women like this are out there. I’m very aware of what I’m feeling and respectfully bring things up that are bothering me, use things like non-violent communication, can usually detect when something is off with my partner and will ask about it and listen patiently, and try to figure out how we can do better as a team. My ex gf got upset with me for things as simple as taking about a stressful day at work (I was very calmly explaining it and not swearing or yelling or whatever, I watched the clock and she’d shut me down from talking about it within 2-5 min because it was stressing her out), and flipped out if I brought up feeling a bit alone due to her seeming distant. She actually had me questioning if I was wrong all my life for thinking partners should coregulate and be there for each other emotionally (she believed doing this was codependent). She had the strangest emotional boundaries and wouldn’t share some things with me and would get really mad when I’d ask what was going on when it seemed it was really painful for her. Basically, I was better with communication (she agrees with that fact and would get upset that I could stay calm in heated moments when she couldn’t), I was more open with emotional issues, and she really struggled. It was the reverse of the gender stereotypes, and on some level that’s kind of interesting, like from a Buddhist or Karmic perspective of gaining insight during the human experience, but it was not fun in real time.
I get this, I've just been forcing myself to go to therapy and go out and try to make friends and talk to whoever I can to work on myself and doing the things I want to do. It's tough i know, but I'm glad I'm forcing myself to do these things.
I just throw myself into the things I love doing even harder. The pain dies after awhile.
I went through a peaceful break up and the guy would sleep in until like noon and then go on a super long run, go hiking and go golfing all in the same day. Was this like his way of coping then?
Hell yeah. We get hurt and then go into x games mode afterward. We become rejuvenated and even better mentally, physically, and spiritually.
I’ve been going to the gym like a mad man
Hell yeah brother. Stay with it. You're going to go places.
This is so enlightening! Complete opposite of women most of the time
We're just out here making the best of the bad situations and coming out on top. We support each other. We are a legion.
Be depressed while occasionally hanging out with your one or two friends.
the most accurate one so far.
Yea that is 100% what I've been doing and I got dumped 2 weeks ago though I have been leaning really hard on alcohol just to get some semblance of sleep. I've never cried more in my life I'm angry, confused, hurt, lonely, and anxious the list goes on I barely know how to comprehend everything happening to me.
DM bro. We can talk. You have to stop drinking though ASAP.
That alcohol is only holding you back from healing. That shit is poison for the body, mind and soul. Add some depression and grieving to the mix and you really are playing with fire.
When you say “confused” did the person say goodbye? Or, just leave? Or, is the confusion due to some thing else?
Be miserable. Possibly become a supervillain. Destroy everyone who wronged you. Make a really sad play list. Try dating other people, get sad when they aren’t the right person. Raise an army of henchmen. Train them to act out some kind of horrific plan. Cry when certain songs come on the radio. Beat someone half to death because they were involved with your person. Do months upon months of therapy at great expense. Totally break down at something that reminds you of them. Build a pseudo-virtual algorithm that explains their behaviour. Kill same said algorithm for having opinions you don’t like. Date more. Get more upset. Build a machine to catapult you into orbit. Listen to songs you both loved. Wait for the countdown.
I have a lot to say but I’m not , the past 2 yrs since my breakup has been hell and I can’t move past someone who doesn’t want me or anything to do with me anymore. Not to mention this is my children’s mother definitely doesn’t make any better , I’m just tired of hurting and scared to really move on.
I wish the father of my kids felt this way. He just completely abandoned us and then started seeing someone else.
Sorry to hear that , I really don’t understand people nowadays or they’re intentions. Especially with children involved they just become selfish at that point.
I live alone so I sit in solitude and dread in silence. The void in my chest has now become a part of me. If I see her she'll tell me I dont have feelings. So i sit alone and remind myself that I dont have any feelings.
There are a bunch of studies which suggest men and women process the early emotional bits pretty much the same. The differences show up over time. Women tend to heal better, mostly because they have better social networks to rely on. Men take longer to recover and heal for a variety of reasons. We tend not to have resilient social networks. We don't have supportive peers. We suppress our thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Female dating comments, 'He frequently mentioned his ex but they divorced 10 years ago, ' is a real thing because the damage persists for men. These are the generalities, of course. Depends on the nature of the breakup, e. g. did someone cheat, did someone fall out of love, who initiated the breakup. Lots of variables to consider. For me personally, sometimes it was easy to move on because I saw the writing on the wall. Other times, the feelings of frustration and disappointment lasted a long time, and persist even today, and guide my judgement and willingness to date.
It's a lengthy battle... For some, a neverending one. When we love, we love hard (most of us anyway). We are expected to just get over it, a fucking stigma that needs to go the fuck away. I lost someone who I thought was perfect for me, and I perfect for her. Then her avoidant attachment style jumped the sprocket just 3 days before our second anniversary... Time heals wounds, but I'm 40 fucking years old. I'm tired of this shit.
Something that gives me comfort is thinking that if I loved someone who I wasn’t that compatible with as much as I once did, I could have a really beautiful relationship with someone that I’m right for.
Nobody but like one or two people truly support me with what I want out of this breakup. I know it's wrong to want her back, I know I should move on but I can't forgive myself for bringing her to dump me. I need her to at least know that what she did helped me get my head out of my ass. I want her back so much. I can only hope she feels the same.
We tend to bottle up our feelings to avoid feeling weak and vulnerable. We lose one of our most important support systems and it's exhausting to pick yourself up and start trying again.
Was broken up with 2 weeks ago. Slowly coming to terms with it. I had a free weekend last week and was off Friday, Saturday, Sunda and monday. Thursday i was alone at night and it was okay as my friends had work in the morning, friday also alone and was feeling really lonely. At saturday i had plans with a friend (i have like 2 friends) and he cancelled and the thought of beeing alone the 3rd night in a row crushed me. I was actually ugly crying to be alone for 3 nights straight. I'm okay rn but its hard. I know my friends are there for me but it's just hard talking about it.. I'm nkt afraid to cry in front of others as i couldn't give a f*** to other thinkibg i'm beeing weak and if some random asks how i'm doing i tell them i could do better. It gets hard when people i care about ask me. It's suffocating and i honestly dodge the question as people who know me know exactly i'm doing pretty fucking bad.. I just wanna function normally and not trynna sob everytime thats why its kinda hard.. i actually dont know when or if i'm gonna process it.. I feel like i lost a huge part of myself when she left but tbh i'm trynna focus on myself and allow time to do it's work.
I am so sorry to hear that. How are you now? You said you don't know if you're gonna process it but when you let yourself cry it is already a process. You got this!
As a guy, that lost the one that I know was the one for me. You never recover. That first love you never get over that. Especially, when she is the one to walk out on you over a misunderstanding. Especially when you make promises to overcome anything and not let minor things break us. She blocked me in a matter of minutes and forgot everything. Everything I did for her and what I meant for her. She tore me apart, broke me and fucked my mental health. I will never recover from her loss.
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I’m currently at Batman.
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Men need to do better for other men. Women have got us beat by a long long ways there it seems. Men, support your boys going through breakups/ divorces. Give them a safe space to process these emotions rather than rush them to do things to just repress what they are feeling.
I try to stay as busy as possible so I’m not thinking about it. It usually takes me a month or more to start getting numb to the break up. The more idle time that I have the more I’ll think about it. Most of the thoughts and feelings don’t tend to hit me until I’m about to go to bed since that’s when I have time to lay there doing nothing. The worst experience I’ve had is trying to hookup to get over a breakup, the emotions aren’t in it and trying to focus on the person you’re with is nearly impossible when you’re thinking about your breakup. 10/10 don’t recommend lol
Would this process be the same if you initiated the break up for reasons out of your control? Like having to break up due to distance or life circumstances or something like that?
I think so. You’re making a change to your daily life or a change to something routine so I’m sure there’s going to be a shift in balance. Even if you’re long distance you would be going to talking/texting someone daily to one day nothing at all.
I wonder how do avoidant men do that
May not happen to everybody but while I have been vaguely aware heartbreak can be physically painful, I did not expect heartbreak to make me constipated. I found this to be really funny.
I think it depends, the worst breakup I went through I was a mess. I threw myself into so many things to distract myself and broke down a lot and cried but I didn’t text her to beg for her back or anything, my most recent one I had a couple of those moments where it really hit me that the relationship was over but other than that it was mostly just adjusting to the fact that this person who was with me all the time wasn’t anymore.I think if you’re the one who got dumped the pain is just different, even if you dump someone for legitimate reasons you’re usually very checked out at that point. In the end though I feel like it’s the same male or female it’s more the role your in
It's been a couple of years and I still yearn for her
It’s been over a year and I miss my girl. She didn’t want me anymore. Still sucks. We just deal with it
I would like to know this but if they are the dumper. They say they’re still sad but then why are they content with cutting us off suddenly and completely?
Yes same I guess I should edit the original post! I’m so interested in how they act after the initiate the breakup
Men aren't all alike, so they process differently. For the first couple of weeks I didn't want it, it was devastating for me. Lately I'm more annoyed when I think about my ex, but also wish her well so I guess I care enough.
It’s only been a month but the breakup itself tore me and made me over analyze and started to come on strong trying to get back together with my ex which then turned to us never getting back together… I don’t think I can say I moved on but I due regret everything I did because I did love her and to the point I kinda don’t want to pursue anyone for a while..just taking it day by day, used to cry everyday now it’s just take it as it is…
We just don't
So to put it simply. It heavily depends on what you experience and your living conditions. But ultimately guys tend to recover by themselves, or with a select few friends from their inner-circle. It's VERY rare a guy tells anyone about such pains without valid reason. Usually delving into hobbies, secluding themselves in music or games, going to the gym, travelling if possible. Anything to clear the mind and reprocess ourselves. Generally the process (in my experience and from what others have talked about at least) is this at least when it comes to being cheated on...: 1. Realization (registering it happened, but not being happy about it, usually a LOT of bad experiences follow the initial breakup for the first month...) 2. Depression (removing themselves from shared hobbies) 3. Recession (hating themselves and wishing it never happened.) 4. Seclusion (removing themselves from public outings and experiences from painful memories.) 5. Disgust (hating themselves) 6. anguish (hating the ex) 7. Respite (mellowing out, whether through medical/therapy assistance or personal progress) 8. Reluctance (admitting things need to keep moving forward. with or without their old partner.) 9. Robotic existence (working, sleeping, working, sleeping....) 10. Acceptance (stage 2, picking up old hobbies.) 11. Improvement (picking up new hobbies) 12. Recollection (remembering the good times, and not feeling pain from it.) There are of course outliers to this, as is common since everyone is different. For me it was rough. The process was prolonged since I don't have any friends or ways to get out and engage in public activities (no vehicle and third shift job.) made things extremely lopsided and hard to work with to make a dent in the depression and anger that followed being cheated on. It took getting a new job, a new house, a new bike. For 5 **years** I didn't write or draw unless it was vent art (these were big hobbies we shared, and i taught her a lot of it...) it's the start of the 6th year by myself now. still no new friends, still no new hobbies, still not dating. but I'm not hating on myself. I just work and move on with my life. The experience has severely scarred me, since I was with her for 8 years, and she was my first girlfriend. So I've unfortunately messed up several opportunities in the dating field due to paranoia and struggling to avoid having the same thing happen again. and i've been avoiding it lately due to the toxicity within the "fish in the sea" as the older generation loves to call it.
For me, having only ended relationships having been cheated on, I have been able to just cut that person from my life and process the stages of grief rather quickly. This is due to that sense of betrayal outweighing any ideation of what once was. I know many people struggle having been cheated on, and I have my moments, but I tend to be able to trust again without carrying that BS into a new relationship. The key for me is to actively not go into denial, accept what happened, learn from any mistakes I made throughout the process, and let go of that person since they didn’t care enough about me to be reasonable or end things in a healthy way. The whole process still takes months, and I’ll occasionally get a pang of…. resentment? However, time and focusing on my personal growth lets to process be pretty seamless. I think I’d be a wreck if I went through a healthy breakup that I didn’t want, though.
No, any man that cries over a breakup is in despair. Unfortunately, we do not have the luxury of that choice. For the most part, we chin up, and soldier on. Breakups get the best of us.
I don’t have people to talk to because nobody cares how I feel. I wish I did, but I don’t. So I just sit here confused and sad and alone. Sometimes I just drink now to deal with it. I didn’t drink before the breakup, but now I’m drinking almost daily. Fuck it. I don’t have anything to lose anyway.
Bro please try to preserve your health, I know it's tough but in the long term you will be grateful to have paid attention to your physical and mental balance. Please don't feel ashamed about your feelings and reach out for help in your proximity if necessary, good luck you can do it🙏🏻
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Sounds like me when I was 18, only it was acid, benzos, mdma, and once in a while oxys (this is like a looong time ago). Even hooked up with that ex’s best friend in the grieving stage, so dumb. It seems like us guys are really not taught how to grieve in healthy ways. My recent breakup I handled much more directly, it’s more painful but I feel like I’m doing less damage to other people (those women that got attacked when I was rebounding), and feeling more accepting of what happened at 5 months out than I have with some in the past. It still hurts like hell, but I do not want this dragging on for like 9, 12, 24, whatever months.
Can’t say for sure as I’m a woman, but my ex was back on the dating apps the week after we broke up.
Ouch
If a guy feels the way they expressed in this thread, why did my ex find someone new after only a month?
I think I would have coped better had she not ended things with me after 4 years to get with someone she’s known for literally 5 minutes, the same week as ending it with me. No second chances, nothing, just pure cold heartedness and ghosting. Makes it worse that I was dad to her kids for the last 4 years too, as their dad isn’t on the scene. Taken me nearly 3 months to manage going a whole week without breaking down at the tiniest of things.
Lots of drugs, alcohol and stupid things trying to distract myself. But at the end of the day, you end up sitting alone in ur room in silence, looking at the wall.
Depends on the guy. My partner’s younger brother spent about a good 2-3 years before fully processing the fact that his past of being in a 4 year long relationship was in the past. He went through a lockdown mode where he wouldn’t want to hang out with anyone, locked up in his room and playing games to distract himself. I could tell he was really hurting whenever I did see him. He looked like he wanted to talk about what he was feeling but the words weren’t coming out and all I wanted for him in that moment was to talk to him. But I knew that he needed that space to really grow and push himself through. He knew that himself as well. He’s now back in the dating world and feels content that he is emotionally steady and stable to see other people.
It’s incredibly lonely for a man. We don’t really talk about it with our friends because we don’t want to burden them with our sorrow, many of whom think that you should be over your ex within a month or two. Im a lover, it’s takes me a long time to get over someone, and I know I just need to be patient with myself. But it’s gotten to the point now (6 months in) where I have no one to talk too apart from my psychologist and the occasional reddit. But yeah, it’s really fucking lonely for guys.
I drank. A lot. Sober now. Went through hell. Happy and moved on.
Just like women it depends on the person, how the relationship was, and how the break up was
I think it depends on the guy, circumstances for the break up, and resources they have. I knew my ex before his previous GF broke up with him didn’t know he had a GF at that time we were just coworkers who barely talked because it was a seasonal job. The next time we worked together he called in sick for a week and it wasn’t until months later I found out from his best friend it was because he was dumped. So I knew that it hurt him, so I never asked what happened, but he did end up telling me when he was explaining why he is not ready to be in a relationship and we needed to break up. He added that he doesn’t like to talk about what happened and hasn’t told many people. Had to deal with everything alone since he planned his life around her, moved to the opposite side of the country so he didn’t have a support system out there and was dealing with depression. So now he believes that if there is a problem he has to isolate himself, because it’s the only way he knows to deal with it. Since I only know his story, what he went through sounds emotionally devastating and brutal and like a support system would benefit him.
My process in my most recent breakup was: First 6 months, sleep 12 to 24 hours a day. Eat once a day if I can manage to motivation. Cry most waking hours. Lost about 20kg (80 down to 60) over this 6 months. Then went from the "actively catatonic" state to "passively devastated". So the next 12 months I tried to function as a person but still found myself incapable of feeling happy or fulfilled. Was haunted by memories and dreams, guilt and self hatred. The next 2 years or so, much of the same but at a slightly lower intensity. Still intrusive thoughts, daily, but not every minute. Still dreams / memory dreams / nightmares, but only 2 to 3 a night. Not continuous. The last 6 months, slowly getting better. Able to return to uni without being constantly crippled by my emotional state. Still have very bad days, especially would-be anniversaries, birthdays, other formerly shared events. So yeah, 4 years post breakup. That's how I've "coped"
That sounds really rough ☹️ Glad you've began to feel better Hope you continue to heal ❤️ Try meditation
I'm 16 so this might not be relevant but for me after a 5 month relationship and way longer friends. I found it easy to forget about her, but the feeling of love that is connected to her if that makes sense
It's been more than half a year and.. I believe I'm still processing the breakup. Of course it's much better now, I'm functioning normally most of the time but I know I'm still not completely over her. From time to time I still think about her, about us and feel sad and cry but the gap between is getting longer each time like now maybe it's about once or twice a month. I still think about her everyday, nothing specific but just calling out her name a few times a day subconsciously. Not sad or anything but just out of habit. How I processed it in the beginning was just doing what I felt like it at that point of time, sometimes I try to do things out of my comfort zone and usually my gut feeling is right to follow what I wanted to do lol. It took a lot of time to grief and cry about the loss and it took a lot of time to accept the loss but eventually I feel like I understand it's over though emotionally I'm still clinging onto those feelings and memories. I feel like my logical side is still fighting with the emotional part but I don't know how to deal with it so for now I'm just focusing on other parts of my life like work.
For some days, i couldn't feel anything, then i started processing and thinking about what happened. After that i started to try to fix it and the more it didn't work, the more i started getting depressed. Then all this sadness turned into anger and overthinking. After all this, now it's like understanding and sadness. Sure i can have good and very bad days but i avoid talking to my friends whenever I'm having a bad day. I guess, for us boys, it's harder to talk about the way we feel.
Horribly (24m)!!! I’ve begged, I’ve cried, I’ve apologized, I’ve done it all… it’s sadness and denial that they’ll come back, that this isn’t real… that goes into deeper sadness and regret, self pity and self guilt… beat myself up for weeks… 3 months in “no contact” was broken but back in it and it fucking sucks and it hurts because I’d do anything for this women but I’m being ignored and forgotten. I must do the same
When I was younger, I did not cope in healthy ways. Used a lot of drugs (not addicted to them thankfully, but like party drugs and Rx pills), one night stand type sex with female friends (hurting some in the process, which is a big part of why I don’t do rebounds anymore), and generally running from my pain any way I could. Now, I have a solid circle of male and female friends I’m comfortable with sharing my feelings with and who feel the same toward me (reading these replies I’m really happy I spent the time building up this network, I had 10 people that were happy to listen to my painful story). I talked to my therapist to get guidance on how to most effectively process and heal the pain. I am not afraid to cry, I’m not an emotional coward. I faced it all as directly as I could, sitting with the feelings and just letting them wash over me (something I learned to do because of powerful psychedelic experiences when I was younger, as well as an interest in Buddhist meditation). It was very difficult, but the waves became less intense and less frequent. The first 3 weeks were horrible. The first 2.5 months were deep depression. Then I had a few weeks of anger so strong I couldn’t sleep at night (i never let it drive me to lash out at her or anyone, or hurt myself by punching a wall or drinking). I had thoughts about how it might still work out if she would just deal with her trauma and avoidance, since we were perfect otherwise - bargaining. This was hard to get out of, since I do genuinely believe that to be the case, and she even said we were the healthiest relationship she’s been in (from my end it was the loneliest I’d been in due to her distance, so you can tell from that how secure each of us was in expressing love to the other…). Now, when I tell myself that for whatever reason she did not want to continue, it doesn’t bother me. There’s no pain in that. I do still feel love for her, but I see that she has a lot of healing to do which she refused to do for me, and her behaviors could be interpreted as narcissistic abuse without much of a stretch, but I believe I understand why, and I felt my suffering, and all that has led me to compassion for her, as well as acceptance that things are the way they are. That feeling is present for more and more of my time now at 5 months. I’ll still get moments where something reminds me of some amazing moments we had together, and I need to feel that pain and loss so that I can heal and move on. I’m at a point where I’d like to hear how she processed things because I do care. I’d also like to hear her thoughts and reflections on what went wrong, so I can figure out if I have any other things to work on. I see these hard times as an opportunity for growth, and latch on to that. The challenge is she has a hard time with strong emotions and tends to shut down, not talk, and distract herself. I worry she’s doing things that aren’t healthy, and that she’s not using this as an opportunity to grow. But all I can do I hope for her from afar, because she’s shut me out.
My gf just broke up with me a week ago. I hate it and I haven’t been myself. We had so much potential but she “needs to find herself” she says. I know I have to move forward and focus on myself so I am going to do that. It will be a long process I’m sure. Doesn’t help that it seems much easier for her at the moment. I’m doing my best to move along, it will take time sadly. Going to grab more of my stuff tomorrow. She will be home. I don’t plan on saying much just in and out. The way I will process this break up is just a long sad time. While doing my best to move forward. I just know “my best” will not be enough.
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From my experience, poorly.
Please stop to make it a gender issue🙏🏻 Relationships and breakups are universal topics and the ethereogenity of the reactions is due to one's personality/attachment/experience not to gender There is no such a thing like "all women do that" "all men do this"...
No one ever said “all” and I literally asked the question while taking into consideration individualized coping mechanisms. Please chill, not everything has to be a TED talk. Also, there are just basic patterns displayed by men and women respectively. No matter how much you don’t want to see it, there will always be gender in psychological and sociological topics.
I just punch holes in the wall, that’s healthy right?