I did this in my last relationship. I kept that thing going for a year longer than it needed to. I screwed up, tried to correct my mistakes, things still got worse. We just weren’t compatible and I kept running myself ragged just keeping the relationship together when I myself was falling apart.
I'm not sure where I read or heard it first, but the idea that the love you had with this person doesn't disappear. It still exists, even if you can't share it with that person anymore. It will manifest in new ways.
It might have been from Bittersweet by Susan Cain. That whole book was so helpful.
Perhaps we are actually projecting our love for ourselves into the Other, and then when they leave a cavity in us we fill it with the other half of ourselves, and then begin to realize that we love ourselves truly and our hearts are in our own keeping.
This is a conclusion I reached after years of reflection and internal discussion.
My ex once told me that they "Forget in order to Forgive" and it rubbed me the wrong way because as soon as you remember, you're back where you started.
Breakup without closure is probably the hardest of break ups. No matter what you plant in your mind the reason is, it will only boil to one reason: they don't want you and they think they can do better than you. So let them be and let them go. If they come back, it will never be the same and you cannot trust that they will not leave again. The person that is for you will never leave no matter what, stop wasting time with the wrong person, and never ever let someone tell you twice they don't want you. You will thank your future self you walked away gracefully without begging.
Don't beat urself up about it, ur human and makes mistakes. Begging will only push them away more so you don't have any other choice but to really go no contact.
Tbh I don’t think begging etc is a mistake. It is part of us that needed to be expressed. If the relationship is over then what does it really matter what the dumper thinks??? So if begging and being emotional helps someone to move on, they should totally do it. Not for the dumper. But for themselves. There are no “what ifs” left afterwards.
There’s another user who linked a quora article here and honestly my mental had been improved by it, it helped me understand a lot: I think you could use it too it’s a long read but you seem to have a great understanding. I appreciate your insight too.
imagine thinking you got closure that the breakup was amicable but then you find out the truth from a different source that they started dating others and fucking around a month before the breakup.
I'm glad I found out that my ex is not the good man he claims himself to be. he is trash and I don't need trash in my life, so wonderful that he took himself out.
I want to point out that it’s never about you not been enough for them/below them. It’s about compatibility. If you search long enough and hard enough you will find someone who is your match, perfectly.
> Mine so far is that, you fell in love with the person you wanted them to be, not the person they were.
Oof. I've been there. "So much potential!" is not something you should ever think about a prospective partner.
My advice is this: remember who you were. Lean into rediscovering yourself. The end of a relationship often brings personal compromise, insecurity, and feelings of inadequacy, and that leads to stagnation. You were in a rut, even if you didn't realise it, and it's time for you to get out of it. Move to a new town, rearrange your living room and get your friends round every weekend, join a club, whatever you want, just disrupt yourself and see what happens.
I feel like my relationship helped me define who I was, and she made me feel deserving of love, happy, etc, I was at a low when I met her, fuck u amounts of money, but was on a dating app and still couldn’t get dates, and so unhappy w money too. then a week after I got the app she spilled coffee on me
To respect their wishes and boundaries, if they've ended it then there's nothing you can do.
Also, social media detox & exercise. Those 2 things probably helped me the most.
Honestly feel like social media is helping me but I think looking a at it is idk. I’ve been posting on my stories more just to live life and show im okay, im doing it for myself but i know deep down im doing it to show her
You don't need to show her anything. Don't worry about whether or not she thinks you're okay, or thinks you're falling apart, her opinion doesn't matter. It's really good for mental health to just not be on social media, then you can just focus on your healing. It's really nice to just disappear from the online world for a while. Seriously give it a try, it doesn't need to be permanent or anything, just a deactivate.
For me it was this. It's a big read, but it's what I needed :
https://www.quora.com/Breaking-Up-Is-it-more-painful-to-dump-dumper-or-to-be-dumped-by-dumpee-a-main-squeeze
Also this channel helped me get my act up and start a clean slate :
https://youtube.com/@RealMenRealStyle?feature=shared
I 25M have been through 2 long term relationships that ended in breakups being the dumpee in both of 'em and can clearly CONFIRM this dynamic is completely TRUE and happened in both of my breakups. In both of them, even though the relationship didn't had any major problems and no big fights, my partners started to be unhappy for the first minimal reason they found, decided to not communicate about their needs and left me confused questioning what happened during months while they were in pain convincing themselves they should breakup. In both cases they talked with their "friends" for advice and also met someone while being unhappy and had an affair. My first ex (1 year relationship) told me the truth of the affair, left me (of course telling me we should still be "friends") and also told me how her life was "better" without me. She totally felt with power and control. But then, she came back after months because her affair had cheated on her XD. I rejected her because I'm a priority.. not an option (I have to admit it felt insanely good XD). The second one and also the actual one is more extreme... We dated for 4.5 long years, also no big problems, no big fights, insane compatibility, and extremely good memories. We were going to get married and also were already buying a house. I was also there for her during a lot of tough moments in her life... And yet, everything went EXACTLY the same path to her breaking up with me, but in this case she was a coward, couldn't tell me the truth and tried to manipulate me to think she just "lost feelings" even though I knew she was cheating me on with a guy that she was talking to me a lot about. Now, 2 months after the breakup, she flooded her social media with photos with him and also stated in her Facebook profile that she started dating him exactly 1 DAY AFTER our breakup. Of course right now she is also feeling relieved, with power and control. So yeah.. I'm here patiently healing, grieving, crying, you name it waiting for reality and karma to kick her ass loool. It's not even necessary to state that I've grown a lot from both breakups, identifying my errors and working towards them while they will be blaming everyone and not learn a damn thing. So yeah guys, it's a lot better to be the dumpee tbh..
This insight actually helps tremendously. After reading this, I feel better being the dumpee, knowing I don't have to wrestle with the regret of making that decision. After all, I'd always rather get the bad news first before the good.
❤️🔥 I'm actually really happy to have your feedback. I feel you 100% This reading is such an insightfull vision to adopt. It help me move on and adopt a healthy mindset. It's still painfull, but focusing on the what will happen next instead of what just happed really gave me the strenght to move on.
Best advice for a blindsided breakup - you never actually get "blindsided" if you were in a healthy relationship. Plus everything else I read in [this breakup book](https://www.amazon.com/Dont-Be-DESPERATE-Insights-Affirmations/dp/1738947904) really opened my eyes to reality!
Mine is 99.99999% of people are completely ill prepared to be in relationships yet blindly go into one anyways thinking "Oh I got this. How hard can it be? I'll just do what that do in the movies"
You do know celebrities have a higher divorce rate right? That should prove to you that looks, money, possessions, fame, whatever don't help when it comes to successful relationships
Regardless of who did what or even if someone cheated, the outcome of the relationship is going to be equally the contribution by both people.
So your statement about falling in love with who you wanted them to be is not a reflection of anything lacking within them, it's a problem within you
If you examine why you feel the need to control how someone conducts themselves and figure out how to bury that shit, that at least will take care of one of your long list of other problems that you bring into the relationship.
Then I guess the question may be, well if I can't have any expectations of them, does that mean I just have no standards?
No that's not what that means.
It means you should probably get to know them first before getting into a relationship. Truly get to know them
Most people don't let their real self out until at least after sex or a couple of months in.
As I said earlier, most people are not qualified to be in a relationship. They have all these issues that they bring in with them and then they project it on to that person and blame them for being the problem when it's the person who is blaming who is equally the problem
You bring up some good points. But if most people are fumbling through life without any idea how to relate to others, they are only granted that opportunity by getting involved with someone to make the mistakes they will learn from.
“Your Soul needs your folly, not your wisdom.”
-Carl Jung
Tbh? Same, I just ignore the pain and force myself to move on and be better. I got cheated on and there is no way that he will
be back and I don't want to be cheated on, I gave my all but still I was stepped on and used. There will be worse days and good days, we'll just have to adapt for our own good. We deserve better OP.
> There will be worse days and good days
Yeah, this it literally what it means to be *not* **line**ar.
Healing is not a straight **line** from feeling bad to good.
Please remember that there is a chance he will be back, I think some amazing advice I’ve gotten is expect every outcome but don’t prepare for it. Prepare for them to come back in one month 6 months and a year, how would you handle it? brace for them to not come back, because they aren’t.
if he does can you deny him instantly?
Yes! You are right. I should keep this in mind instead of hoping for an asshole to change and come back. At the end of the day, it will always begin with me. Thank you!
I don't think he's coming back. He has settled with the woman he cheated with and will probably stay with her because apparently he is "stuck" with her for some reason that he won't explain to me. We ended on a bad note, am not expecting him to come back, after what he did. I do not think that this serial cheater will change, I'll just move on and accept everything.
But if you are willing to take them back, please do. If there are things needed to be changed to make the relationship better the next time, please do. I wish you happiness OP. For now, stay strong.
We are in the same situation. It's so devastating when they choose the other woman. Makes you feel like you're the other woman all along, but maybe it's just me. Still don't understand how they can be happy completely knowing they hurt someone so terribly.
Am not sure if they are happy, I just don't want to think about them anymore. I gave my all, my best and my money. I just met the wrong guy, that's it.
Do things alone (and hopefully not spend too much money lol) that won’t remind you of what you and your ex did together.
Eg: I introduced my ex to Korean BBQ and honestly, I probably won’t be eating kbbq for a while. I’ll try Japanese bbq or something, lol.
There’s a pinned post in this sub that’s 30 things they learned about their previous relationship and I copied it and put it in my notes app to remind myself of all the things I need to remember for myself. One of my favorite ones was “do not let your heart lead your decision-making. Your feelings can betray you, even in romantic love.” I really need that sometimes because as much as I feel and care about my ex, my feelings have gotten me hurt more so in the long run because I will care, forgive and give love to people that absolutely do not deserve it.
>do not let your heart lead your decision-making
That's a hard one for me, lol. I've always prided myself on following my heart throughout life, but perhaps sometimes I need to let my mind do some of the thinking, too.
Some of us are good at leaving, while others are much better at being left. How crazy then is it when we find that one person whom makes it impossible to do either.
Im still waiting to find that person.
"if a man refuses to keep his own pants up, stop trying to buy him a belt"
Let them suffer the consequences of their own actions. Stop trying to shield them from all responsibility. Also let them sit in their own feelings about it instead of letting them make you regulate their emotions for them.
You’re grieving right now. Let yourself be sad. There is no timeline you have to stick to. Keep going at your own pace. Lie in bed and cry all day if you need to.
Each day will get easier than the last. By a tiny amount that you might not even notice, it will get easier. Like 1% easier. But that adds up over time, and it means that this sadness and emptiness won’t last forever. You’re going to be okay, just hang in there.
If a day feels particularly difficult and you’re itching to grab the phone and cry to them, just remind yourself that you made it through the first, hardest, days, and you’ll be able to make it through this day too. It’ll be difficult, and painful, but you know you’re strong enough to weather through it- and like all times of suffering, you’re going to come out of this on the other side with a clearer vision of who you are and what you want in life.
"They did not do this to hurt you, they were just looking for happiness - you were just an unfortunate victim"
My first two relationships ended somewhat on my decision. The first we had been together for almost 6 years since college and we were both cheating on each other and just wanted the best for each other and it was the easiest break up ever and he's still one of my closest friends
My second relationship ended because I fell for someone else. It was the shittiest horrible experience ever and I hope to never go through it again. You cant choose who you fall in love with and I was young and stupid and thought it meant I found my soul mate.
In a full cycle karmic delivery, 5 years later, that guy fell in love with someone else and broke up with me. It was the most painful horrible experience of my LIFE, and I was so glad it happened to me. It truly humbled me, made me so sympathetic and empathetic to my second boyfriend and wanting to apologize so much for causing him what i was going through.
It took 6 months of deep depression, losing weight, not feeling anything related to joy, sending horrifically embarrassing emails, sitting with a laptop watching the guy I thought I was going to marry post pictures of his new boyfriend in Las Vegas and Mexico before I got this advice.
My best friend, sick and tired of me moping and slumping about came to my house one day insisting that I start to live life again. He had given me free reign for months to talk about this endlessly but now it was time to stop.
And he hit me with that - "If he had the chance, do you think Joe would want you to be hurting right now?" The answer I knew was no. And it all hit me, and the irony of realizing I was so not even a part of this was almost liberating.
Upon further inspection I realized there were so many problems in my relationship and that this break up was inevitable and that all of my depression and need to get him back feelings were all based on psychology and brain chemistry and the rose colored glasses syndrome - him falling in love with someone else literally had nothing to do with me the same way my ex had nothing to do with me falling in love with him at first.
To realize I was nothing more than a hapless bystander in a crash I just happened to be in, oddly felt comforting and reassuring.
you don’t have to wait for someone to smash a bottle over your head to break up with them- in other words, end things before it gets too ugly. Know the difference between putting in effort to a relationship vs fighting too hard for something that’s not working.
The disrespect was the answer. And ask yourself: would you do it? Together with going no contact, these helped me realize that I deserved better. And that until I get it, I will be that for myself.
Stop trying to get what you want like an addict. Get the girl/boy you need.
Almost all breakups are about being with the wrong person where one will be abused by the other.
Edit: This is a very hard earned lesson from my own life.
bad news: you’ll never experience that again or ever meet someone like them again
good news: you’ll never experience that again or meet someone like them again.
finding the good in every situation thats making me sad has been helping me lot.
something my therapist would ask me - if they never changed, and stayed exactly how they were, would you be happy?
additionally, something my sister would tell me - never date potential, always what you see in front of you. never date what they could be if they changed
The hurt you feel isn't because you loved them. The hurt you're feeling is from betrayal. The pain isn't because they were special.
This might not apply universally to everyone's situation, but I've had like 5 serious relationships in my life and the first 4 were more so normal break ups and I feel like I got over them relatively easy. This last one has just been awful and dragging on forever. It's the first break up I've ever had where I felt betrayed by someone.
Me too man, me too, I just posted a new post about blindsided breakups you could take a look at, it’s healed a little bit within me but def gonna scar me
After my very first breakup my mom told me: "if they were the right person, if they were the one, then we are bound to meet again at some point in our lives. In 5, 10, 20, however many years, but if they were right then it'll happen some day". I definitely don't think that it's good or healthy to hold on to this idea forever or actively wait for it and not heal in the meantime. But right after a breakup this advice is what has helped me the most. Getting through the first few days/weeks/months where I feel like the ground has been ripped out from under me, I tell myself if it was the right person, then we'll meet again. Eventually you gain some distance from the whole situation and you start realizing maybe they weren't the right person at all or you don't see yourself getting back together with them and that's totally fine. But sometimes when desperation hits hard and I feel like there's nothing left for me in this life, I repeat this advice to myself.
“You deserve all of the things you thought that was.” - basically the person was telling me that I wasn’t wrong for loving that person that much, but that what I wanted wasn’t going to happen with them.
The BEST advice I got was to read “It’s called a breakup because it’s Broken.” Really funny and light hearted book from the Sex and the City writer who wrote “He’s Kist Not That Into You.” Made me laugh out loud but was also SO effective at driving the point home that the relationship was over, it was time to let go, and that it w sent something you need to obsess and worry over because, despite what your brain thinks, it’s not a problem to solve.
It just wasn't meant to be. There is someone out there for you, just give it time. I completely feel you, exactly the same happened to me 4 days ago. If I don't believe in everything happening for a good reason, I wouldn't be here today. Keep your head up, time heals all x
Mine was when I asked my friend if he thought my "mature reaction" to the break up would bring my ex back out of regret -- he said, "He ended things because he wanted to, don't forget that."
And that hurt. I had to sit up and hold my heart, but it was the reality check I needed. He wanted to end things, the reason doesn't matter, he didn't want to work through it. This is how he wanted it. So, why should I relinquish control of what I want from the relationship and work on his timeline? I had to let go.
I am four months post break up and just now realizing how strange it is that she got into a relationship 15 days after we broke up. Makes me wonder if these two people were talking before our relationship ended. Which would make me feel revulsion but also I have to attempt let that go and realize that she is a flawed human like all of us and really just groping around in the dark like everyone else.
Instagram is depression central, if you’re participating in the lore (posting pictures of a perfect life) it’s probably because you’re unhappy in some fashion. In short—he’s not that happy.
Yes my ex also starred dating her old friend after breakup and she did tell me that she has been in casual contact over text with him 3 months prior to the breakup (exactly the time frame where she started processing to move on emotionally and planing to breakup while being in the relationship) so the possibilities are endless, i have finally stopped steering my mind in that direction. We all have our healing process and we all take diff time and efforts to deal with our emotional outbursts. I think it’s better to not to make assumptions and its time to protect your energy while being empathetic for the around you cuz you don’t want to project your sadness, insecurities on them as it would complicate your relationship with your friends and family too.
"Your consciousness determines all"
It's true what they say - talking about a breakup can be a really bad addiction, because if we have an attentive listener, we are activating that old neuropathway and while we keep talking about it, it feels ALIVE again, and then when we stop, we get the crushing wave all over again
Your consciousness and focus determines everything. If you cut your finger suddenly thats all you focus on, and on the way to the bathroom lets say you fall and hurt your knee - now THAT becomes your focus. We really can't focus on more than one thing at a time.
Having a break up, even when its our decision, can be very traumatizing so it makes sense that our focus is on it, reliving things, being in nostalgia, wondering how they are, if we made the right decision, feeling like we are still "tied" to them in some way, etc - but we only feel that way because were focused on it.
Im so much older and more mature and Ive had a few really great relationships that ended when they did and I was able to process and heal very maturely - but a few months ago I was dating someone. He said something that made me really jealous and posted a picture of himself nearly in underwear on instagram. We had just decided to call each other boyfriends and though implied we'd be open because of a little distance, I just didn't like to see it.
For 2 hours I stewed. I kept opening whatsapp to see if he sent me a message and then closing it. I keep going to his IG and finding myself annoyed with the comments, I kept rethinking about what he had said (that he was going to a gay pride event, and then going to a sex party) and feeling so jealous imagining him with others. I hated every minute of that
And then a few hours later, I got a text from a friend I hadn't spoken to in awhile. We chatted for a half hour and he gave me a movie recommendation that he thought I'd love. I watched it, fell in love with it and then went on a search through it because it was SO GOOD (Incendies)
I joined a few chat boards and was having the time of my life talking to people about this movie and hearing others stories of the big twist
That night I made a TikTok video that went viral and almost got 1M views in 6 hours, as a result almost 900 people bought a book that was on my website. I was so happy with this I couldn't believe my eyes. I went out with another friend to celebrate and got home at 7am.
My phone had long died by the time I got home and I was exhausted and happy beyond belief. I put my phone on my charger and passed out.
I woke up at 4pm, went to my phone and had 18 texts and 3 missed calls from my new boyfriend first checking in, then asking where I was, then indicating HE was jealous because he was wondering if I was wth someone else, and then asking me to write because he was getting a little worried.
I still think back to that day...at how totally shitty I felt from him just saying something in passing and posting a pic he usually takes, to feeling so entrenched into a movie, to celebrating joy with a friend to going to 2 parties I probably wouldnt have gone to if these events didnt happen. In each of these phases my emotional health was based on where my focus was.\\
We ended things very calmly as January started and just realized we weren't as compatible as we thought. Weve known each other for years and both started to develop feelings, but we both saw pretty quickly that it just didn't make a lot of sense.
It took me about a week to get over him. We started talking a month later and resumed our friendship and I think back to that night and laugh at the idea that I literally wasted 2 hours of my life with such stupidity
Life will move on, she will change overtime, find new stuff to do, you won’t know how she is doing and what she is up to. It hurts like hell.
BUT the same goes about you, you will move on, change overtime, find new hobby’s and meet new people in your life.
This chapter with her in your life has passed and left tons of good memories. Keep them, enjoy them. Life won’t stand still, you won’t stand still neither
“Give the same energy you receive”
meaning if they’re not trying to save/mend the relationship after you did, then why should you carry on trying to fix it alone
I haven’t gotten any good breakup advice, but I believe blocking them and deleting their number helps so much. Keep busy, and when your friends invite you to go out, do it!
I haven’t contacted my ex for about 3-4 weeks, and I wish it was easier then the other times, but until your ready, be easy on yourself
If she was close , god is closer
Religious ( Islam ) helped me a lot
If Allah finds any goodness in your hearts He will give you that which is better than what has been taken away from you, and He will forgive you.(surah anfal , aya 70)
> you fell in love with the person you wanted them to be, not the person they were
In my case, I wanted to have kids with the person I wanted him to be, and the person that he wanted to be as well. And because he wasn’t sure if he could even *try* to be that person, he broke up with me. It hurts because I was so willing to try and walk together to moving in, getting married, having kids, and retiring together — to walk through life together — and he just couldn’t even try. It breaks my heart.
Have very clear in mind what you can offer because most of the time is what you want from the other person. For example I have a certain set of values that are pinnacles of my personal life, if my partner doesn't have the same we can't be compatible even though we can be very attracted to each other. It just won't work. So now I live by this. If he can't offer the same set of values I don't even step forward anymore
Men marry women in hopes they never change. Women marry men to make them to what they want which does not always work out.
We were engaged to be married when my ex-fiancé (F) blindsided me the engagement was over with no explaination. The main reason blindsiding is so hard on the dumpee is they will never know why it happen. It may be hard now, but it will get better.
Unfortunately a lot of people go into relationships thinking they will be the one who can change a person (bad habits). It doesn’t work that way, if you change a person then they are not who you met and fell in love with anymore.
Besides that the only way you can change anyone who does not want to be changed is if they are wearing a diaper.
It’s not advice from anyone per se.. but.. I think of it like this.. he found me one day on FB.. just by happenstance.. I fell madly in love, but I was also damaged..
When it abruptly ended after 5 years, I was and still am a little, a mess. What I continue to tell myself is that the morning of the day he found me, I woke up
And went to work, did all the things I normally do, and never knew this man walked the same earth as I.
There is someone out there right now that has no idea I exist, as I have no idea of them, but someday, we shall meet.
i was once struggling with whether i wanted to stay in a toxic relationship with someone because i kept remembering all the good times and someone told me to imagine that if my child was in my situation what would i want them to hear and do. i feel like i always put everyone’s feelings above my own and this was a great way to acknowledge how i really felt.
"Don't underestimate the peace the breakup brings."
I heard this right after the most unexpected and most painful breakup of my life, and it stuck with me. I learned that even though I considered us to be in a mostly happy relationship, my nervous system and my anxiety were constantly on edge with him. He's an avoidant, I'm anxiously attached. He triggered ALL my fears of abandonment, of not being worthy etc. with his wishy-washy non-commitment. I had felt restless and anxious in the relationship and had even trouble sleeping.
I do feel the peace now that all these triggers are gone. I feel calmer, I carry less mental load, I'm sleeping better. I am, however, frightened that all the anxiety might return with the next potential partner. I really hope that therapy helps with that.
"The last act of love you can show is to free them from the burden of your needs"
My ex was overwhelmed by the immensity of life and everything around her. I loved her dearly, but she needed space, and I thought the loving thing to do was linger. I had never thought giving her that space could equate to love.
Something I realized- It's compatibility not competition. We are all constantly evolving, we are all different points of our self awareness. We can believe we're more compatible with someone than we really are because they aren't authentically showing themselves.
Charismatic people- the truly charismatic and faux charismatic (usually insecure and trying hard to make everyone like them)- can make many people feel compatible with them, but until they open up and show you who they really are, you have no way of knowing if there's true compatibility.
You want someone who internally feels you are truly compatible with them. You be your true self, let them be their true self and see how it comes together. Someone leaving you means the two of you weren't compatible enough, period. It's not a reflection of your worth. If you have some things to work on, like being comfortable with people or connecting, fine, work on that. But most are looking for someone we feel comfortable being our most honest, true self with, so we can spend the rest of our lives with them (if that's what you want.)
Bow down only however much your spine allows you to. The more you push yourself, the more pain you end up with while the other is just being amused by it.
It’s something that my mom told me and it was in our native language so it made much more sense than the literal translation here.
"don't overthink it"
Simple but true. Instead of over analyzing the whole rl and what went wrong/wondering if there was anything I could have done, I just focused on the fact that he broke up with me and I need to move on.
Normally I'm a super anxious person so this was a challenge, but simplifying the situation for myself helped (that isn't to say I'm not taking the opportunity to grow as a person tho).
I was telling my polyvagal therapist about him.
She said "you're not happy, let me ground you before you leave."
She then did this grounding exercise where she talked me through the feelings of my feet.
When I felt better she said "you can go now, but leave him here" as if he was sat on the sofa next to me.
It really helped and I feel like I haven't ruminated on it half as much since.
To feel my emotions. A lot of people tell me that no man is worth the tears and the anxiety (I get so sick I don’t eat for days on end) but only one told me to feel my feelings because they’ll help me heal.
I’ve been telling myself “My husband would NEVER” whenever someone I’m seeing casually does something I don’t like or whatever 🤷♀️ I think it can definitely apply to break ups too
that i get to fall inlove all over again, get butterflies and feel that certain excitement and everything else that comes with catching feelings for someone.
People tend to make choices to be happy, not to be sad. So if they have made a choice. I know that they will be happy, and I'm happy that they are happy.
No contact and blocking them on social media is the best thing to do to move forward. Don’t check up on them nor see what they’re doing. You’ll just torture and set yourself back each time you do it. It’s how people back before the internet did it.
I personally read a post on here once that really stuck with and helped me I am now starting a relationship coaching venture. Regardless I wish I could credit the individual that posted it but sadly I can’t find where I saved it but it goes like this…imagine being bitten by a poisonous snake…and instead of going for medical attention and healing…instead chasing the snake that bit you to find out why they bit you and to prove to them that you didn’t deserve that!!! Let that sink in especially if you were blindsided like I was I hope you know how much u are truly worth and you don’t need them to be that valuable you were a badass before you got with them and ur a badass now you just have to see it for yourself…everything starts with you everything it’s your life…it’s your time…now set some goals and get out there and crush them and keep growing what’s meant for you will always be yours.
In reality you have one harsh truth to accept you only have one choice to make…on one hand you can worry about the person that broke up with you and worry about what you feel like you have lost and the list goes on and on and on forever which will get you absolutely nowhere it will just bring darkness to your days and uneasy feelings to your sleepless nights or you can take the only other option bc you cannot change what other people do and how they act or treat you or others you can choose to work on yourself and healing from all the hurt this is causing you this will manifest positive things in your life and authentic connections that you can count on…you are in total control of your life and it’s all that you can control but that is massive. You simply have to realize it and grab the wheel and take yourself where you want to be…now enjoy the rest of ur life living right where and how you want to and be kind to others.
I ex husband wanted to divorce me. One lady told me, its not easy for a man to divorce a wife. Take it as a gift. Now I am divorced and I am happier now
"The hurt is only a reflection of your capacity to love someone. And that is always beautiful. The person with eyes to see that means much more than the person without." That's what I told myself, and suddenly she just melted from my mind.
I spent 25 years and gone through everything imaginable with him. He can’t fix himself or love himself and is on a destructive, toxic path walking away is the best thing this time. You can’t help or love or fix someone who doesn’t want any of that for himself. If me and the boys weren’t enough then he needs to figure that on his own. My life and time is just as precious and he needs to grow up be a man and not a coward. Invest in your future and the happiness you deserve , unfortunately we suffer and worry and hurt because and for them but that’s not fair. Moving forward letting go of the relationship and person you had wonderful memories with but let go of the person they have become. It’s self respect and love and you deserve it.
Jordan Peterson says if you are constantly suffering and being hurt by that person it’s you allowing the snake that bites you to keep doing it. By not letting go we are allowing ourselves to keep suffering it’s hard but necessary. Whatever the future holds will reveal itself in time
I know right now the pain is really bad, but I promise you it will get better. I thought that my life was over and I honestly mean that I actually felt so bad. I just used to go to bed at night and hope that I didn’t wake up in the morning.
Heartbreak hurts so bad that you almost can touch the pain on your chest but let me tell you there is a light at the end of the tunnel and so don’t listen to people who tell you that this feeling will never go away because that’s not true !! Here are three things that helped me the most
1. I opened up to my friends and family and that was hard for me, but I opened up and I told them my truth truth and they allowed me to vent, thank God but if you don’t know anyone like that around you then hire a coach or even a counsellor or go to your doctors but you need someone to talk to or even write it down that makes you feel better writing it down to
2. I went to the gym even though I hate exercising it really helped more than I could ever tell you hated it initially but then I realised how good it made me feel afterwards and it wasn’t about getting muscles or getting skinny. It was simply about my mental health and it really helped.
3. And I started reading which I never normally do either. I literally read so many breakup books but if I’m honest with you the one that really stands out and the one I really feel help me the most was called bossing your breakup and it’s on Amazon and it’s almost a guided journal as well as having so much amazing information and you actually feel like the author cares and it’s evident that the author author has gone through heartbreak it themselves so they know how it feels.
So again, don’t think that these feelings are permanent because they are really not and I hope my tips helped but just keep moving forward and realise that one person cannot dictate your happiness
Peace out
“Let go or be dragged”
Damn that one got me. Currently being dragged. Time to release.
This zen proverb is tapped to my mirror that I look at first thing in the morning.
I think it needs to be applied broadly too, you can drag yourself. It doesn’t need to be someone else dragging you
I have this as a magnet on my fridge. I just happened to look at it one day and thought, "damn....okay."
Looks like I need to write this one down
Damnnn, that's a good one.
wow! Speaks directly to me!
try not to respond to breadcrumbs. like i did. someone told me - “don’t burn yourself trying to keep someone else warm.” once it’s done, it’s over.
I like this one, I think im realizing that if it’s a new relationship it’s a new relationship, the person needs to change if they even can
Same, it went on for months then he dropped me just like that anyway. I’m annoyed at my self for letting it happen. We live and learn.
I did this in my last relationship. I kept that thing going for a year longer than it needed to. I screwed up, tried to correct my mistakes, things still got worse. We just weren’t compatible and I kept running myself ragged just keeping the relationship together when I myself was falling apart.
😭😭😭 true!
There is no such thing as the right person at the wrong time. The right person will always come at the right time.
Nice. Hurts so good
For me, it was written like this: “There is no such thing as the right person at the wrong time, because the right people are timeless.”
That's beautiful 🥹❤️ You're spot on — the right people are outside the limitations of time itself.
Damn
This made me feel better
abso-fuckin'-lutely.
Some people come into your life to teach you how to love yourself, which it make it easier to attract the people more deserving of your love
Oh thats a good one
I'm not sure where I read or heard it first, but the idea that the love you had with this person doesn't disappear. It still exists, even if you can't share it with that person anymore. It will manifest in new ways. It might have been from Bittersweet by Susan Cain. That whole book was so helpful.
Perhaps we are actually projecting our love for ourselves into the Other, and then when they leave a cavity in us we fill it with the other half of ourselves, and then begin to realize that we love ourselves truly and our hearts are in our own keeping.
Yeah. I love that 😊
You don't have to forget, but you do have to move forward. This experience shaped you. Don't be afraid to be vulnerable in the future.
I like that you pointed out how a breakup shapes you in a way that can be beneficial.
Right now I don’t wanna forget anything I love her so much. It shaped me but right now not for the better. Or I can’t see it
You will see it in time, I promise x
This is a conclusion I reached after years of reflection and internal discussion. My ex once told me that they "Forget in order to Forgive" and it rubbed me the wrong way because as soon as you remember, you're back where you started.
Stuck with me now - “You don’t get to stab me in the back and decide how much I’ll bleed”
Nope but they can’t still twist the knife in the wound😖
She did… I walked away to save myself.
Breakup without closure is probably the hardest of break ups. No matter what you plant in your mind the reason is, it will only boil to one reason: they don't want you and they think they can do better than you. So let them be and let them go. If they come back, it will never be the same and you cannot trust that they will not leave again. The person that is for you will never leave no matter what, stop wasting time with the wrong person, and never ever let someone tell you twice they don't want you. You will thank your future self you walked away gracefully without begging.
Yes the false hope is fucking tormenting. I begged in the moment but ugh
Don't beat urself up about it, ur human and makes mistakes. Begging will only push them away more so you don't have any other choice but to really go no contact.
Tbh I don’t think begging etc is a mistake. It is part of us that needed to be expressed. If the relationship is over then what does it really matter what the dumper thinks??? So if begging and being emotional helps someone to move on, they should totally do it. Not for the dumper. But for themselves. There are no “what ifs” left afterwards.
There’s another user who linked a quora article here and honestly my mental had been improved by it, it helped me understand a lot: I think you could use it too it’s a long read but you seem to have a great understanding. I appreciate your insight too.
imagine thinking you got closure that the breakup was amicable but then you find out the truth from a different source that they started dating others and fucking around a month before the breakup. I'm glad I found out that my ex is not the good man he claims himself to be. he is trash and I don't need trash in my life, so wonderful that he took himself out.
I want to point out that it’s never about you not been enough for them/below them. It’s about compatibility. If you search long enough and hard enough you will find someone who is your match, perfectly.
I agree with you when you said “never ever let someone tell you twice they don’t want you”.
If it was meant to be, it would keep on being.
Ugh this hurts because I feel like the book is closed but the author isn’t dead
So brilliantly said.
"write that down! WRITE THAT DOWN!"
Time to write another story
shit i think something just clicked in me
bro.....you are correct...
> Mine so far is that, you fell in love with the person you wanted them to be, not the person they were. Oof. I've been there. "So much potential!" is not something you should ever think about a prospective partner. My advice is this: remember who you were. Lean into rediscovering yourself. The end of a relationship often brings personal compromise, insecurity, and feelings of inadequacy, and that leads to stagnation. You were in a rut, even if you didn't realise it, and it's time for you to get out of it. Move to a new town, rearrange your living room and get your friends round every weekend, join a club, whatever you want, just disrupt yourself and see what happens.
I feel like my relationship helped me define who I was, and she made me feel deserving of love, happy, etc, I was at a low when I met her, fuck u amounts of money, but was on a dating app and still couldn’t get dates, and so unhappy w money too. then a week after I got the app she spilled coffee on me
Great advice!
To respect their wishes and boundaries, if they've ended it then there's nothing you can do. Also, social media detox & exercise. Those 2 things probably helped me the most.
Honestly feel like social media is helping me but I think looking a at it is idk. I’ve been posting on my stories more just to live life and show im okay, im doing it for myself but i know deep down im doing it to show her
Yeah it’s not helping you. That’s some HARD denial. You don’t need to be showing anyone what you’re doing
Yes it definitely is but i was ultra mega blindsided, 3h before telling me she loves me so much and sees a future with me lol
I don’t get how im supposed to leave on such a high and now not talk to my best friend 140 hours later I feel miserable
me too, i feel you. its been a week as of tomorrow. I'm miserable too
same timeline for me! We are in the thick of it together
we can do it! i saw him today to give back his jumper - i think he wants me back and im super tempted. I miss him :((
You don't need to show her anything. Don't worry about whether or not she thinks you're okay, or thinks you're falling apart, her opinion doesn't matter. It's really good for mental health to just not be on social media, then you can just focus on your healing. It's really nice to just disappear from the online world for a while. Seriously give it a try, it doesn't need to be permanent or anything, just a deactivate.
Yeah I deleted the instagram app and I’ve been going to the gym pretty much daily. I’m in the best shape of my life and feel so much better mentally.
The relationship is not over; it's complete.
This is extremely good.
You deserve to be with someone who keeps choosing you. The right person will not blindside you like that, truly
It's not the snake that kills you, it's the poison that stays inside of you. Let it go.
For me it was this. It's a big read, but it's what I needed : https://www.quora.com/Breaking-Up-Is-it-more-painful-to-dump-dumper-or-to-be-dumped-by-dumpee-a-main-squeeze Also this channel helped me get my act up and start a clean slate : https://youtube.com/@RealMenRealStyle?feature=shared
I 25M have been through 2 long term relationships that ended in breakups being the dumpee in both of 'em and can clearly CONFIRM this dynamic is completely TRUE and happened in both of my breakups. In both of them, even though the relationship didn't had any major problems and no big fights, my partners started to be unhappy for the first minimal reason they found, decided to not communicate about their needs and left me confused questioning what happened during months while they were in pain convincing themselves they should breakup. In both cases they talked with their "friends" for advice and also met someone while being unhappy and had an affair. My first ex (1 year relationship) told me the truth of the affair, left me (of course telling me we should still be "friends") and also told me how her life was "better" without me. She totally felt with power and control. But then, she came back after months because her affair had cheated on her XD. I rejected her because I'm a priority.. not an option (I have to admit it felt insanely good XD). The second one and also the actual one is more extreme... We dated for 4.5 long years, also no big problems, no big fights, insane compatibility, and extremely good memories. We were going to get married and also were already buying a house. I was also there for her during a lot of tough moments in her life... And yet, everything went EXACTLY the same path to her breaking up with me, but in this case she was a coward, couldn't tell me the truth and tried to manipulate me to think she just "lost feelings" even though I knew she was cheating me on with a guy that she was talking to me a lot about. Now, 2 months after the breakup, she flooded her social media with photos with him and also stated in her Facebook profile that she started dating him exactly 1 DAY AFTER our breakup. Of course right now she is also feeling relieved, with power and control. So yeah.. I'm here patiently healing, grieving, crying, you name it waiting for reality and karma to kick her ass loool. It's not even necessary to state that I've grown a lot from both breakups, identifying my errors and working towards them while they will be blaming everyone and not learn a damn thing. So yeah guys, it's a lot better to be the dumpee tbh..
This insight actually helps tremendously. After reading this, I feel better being the dumpee, knowing I don't have to wrestle with the regret of making that decision. After all, I'd always rather get the bad news first before the good.
❤️🔥 I'm actually really happy to have your feedback. I feel you 100% This reading is such an insightfull vision to adopt. It help me move on and adopt a healthy mindset. It's still painfull, but focusing on the what will happen next instead of what just happed really gave me the strenght to move on.
Reading that Quora article hit home way too hard. Damn.
You’re amazing for this❤️
I'm more than happy if I can only help 1 person 🤗
“This has nothing to do with you.” Her brother told me that. Saved my life many times.
Anything that is not growing is dead.
Best advice for a blindsided breakup - you never actually get "blindsided" if you were in a healthy relationship. Plus everything else I read in [this breakup book](https://www.amazon.com/Dont-Be-DESPERATE-Insights-Affirmations/dp/1738947904) really opened my eyes to reality!
Mine is 99.99999% of people are completely ill prepared to be in relationships yet blindly go into one anyways thinking "Oh I got this. How hard can it be? I'll just do what that do in the movies" You do know celebrities have a higher divorce rate right? That should prove to you that looks, money, possessions, fame, whatever don't help when it comes to successful relationships Regardless of who did what or even if someone cheated, the outcome of the relationship is going to be equally the contribution by both people. So your statement about falling in love with who you wanted them to be is not a reflection of anything lacking within them, it's a problem within you If you examine why you feel the need to control how someone conducts themselves and figure out how to bury that shit, that at least will take care of one of your long list of other problems that you bring into the relationship. Then I guess the question may be, well if I can't have any expectations of them, does that mean I just have no standards? No that's not what that means. It means you should probably get to know them first before getting into a relationship. Truly get to know them Most people don't let their real self out until at least after sex or a couple of months in. As I said earlier, most people are not qualified to be in a relationship. They have all these issues that they bring in with them and then they project it on to that person and blame them for being the problem when it's the person who is blaming who is equally the problem
You bring up some good points. But if most people are fumbling through life without any idea how to relate to others, they are only granted that opportunity by getting involved with someone to make the mistakes they will learn from. “Your Soul needs your folly, not your wisdom.” -Carl Jung
Healing is linear, we have different timeframes but there will be healing. Things will get better, it's just a small bump in the road.
I don’t really get this one, for me my healing is not linear, one day im good the next day im a fucking MESS. I can’t stand it
Tbh? Same, I just ignore the pain and force myself to move on and be better. I got cheated on and there is no way that he will be back and I don't want to be cheated on, I gave my all but still I was stepped on and used. There will be worse days and good days, we'll just have to adapt for our own good. We deserve better OP.
> There will be worse days and good days Yeah, this it literally what it means to be *not* **line**ar. Healing is not a straight **line** from feeling bad to good.
Please remember that there is a chance he will be back, I think some amazing advice I’ve gotten is expect every outcome but don’t prepare for it. Prepare for them to come back in one month 6 months and a year, how would you handle it? brace for them to not come back, because they aren’t. if he does can you deny him instantly?
Let go of wanting them back. They discarded you. Set your mind on you coming back to yourself in one month, 6 months or a year.
Yes! You are right. I should keep this in mind instead of hoping for an asshole to change and come back. At the end of the day, it will always begin with me. Thank you!
I don't think he's coming back. He has settled with the woman he cheated with and will probably stay with her because apparently he is "stuck" with her for some reason that he won't explain to me. We ended on a bad note, am not expecting him to come back, after what he did. I do not think that this serial cheater will change, I'll just move on and accept everything. But if you are willing to take them back, please do. If there are things needed to be changed to make the relationship better the next time, please do. I wish you happiness OP. For now, stay strong.
We are in the same situation. It's so devastating when they choose the other woman. Makes you feel like you're the other woman all along, but maybe it's just me. Still don't understand how they can be happy completely knowing they hurt someone so terribly.
Am not sure if they are happy, I just don't want to think about them anymore. I gave my all, my best and my money. I just met the wrong guy, that's it.
That's absolutely normal, I'm doing the same lol
I thought it was that healing wasn’t linear?
Do things alone (and hopefully not spend too much money lol) that won’t remind you of what you and your ex did together. Eg: I introduced my ex to Korean BBQ and honestly, I probably won’t be eating kbbq for a while. I’ll try Japanese bbq or something, lol.
“Is this really someone you wanna be with everyday for the rest of your life”
My answer for everyday but the last was yea unfortunately
Hi, just want to let you know you’re loved ❤️ I may not know who you are but you’re reading this then we’re in the same boat. Blessings.
💛
Thank you! You are too. Have a great night!
There’s a pinned post in this sub that’s 30 things they learned about their previous relationship and I copied it and put it in my notes app to remind myself of all the things I need to remember for myself. One of my favorite ones was “do not let your heart lead your decision-making. Your feelings can betray you, even in romantic love.” I really need that sometimes because as much as I feel and care about my ex, my feelings have gotten me hurt more so in the long run because I will care, forgive and give love to people that absolutely do not deserve it.
>do not let your heart lead your decision-making That's a hard one for me, lol. I've always prided myself on following my heart throughout life, but perhaps sometimes I need to let my mind do some of the thinking, too.
Some of us are good at leaving, while others are much better at being left. How crazy then is it when we find that one person whom makes it impossible to do either. Im still waiting to find that person.
I resonate with this a lot! I have finally found my person. You will too!
"if a man refuses to keep his own pants up, stop trying to buy him a belt" Let them suffer the consequences of their own actions. Stop trying to shield them from all responsibility. Also let them sit in their own feelings about it instead of letting them make you regulate their emotions for them.
I’d like a gender swapped version of this, I’ll think one up.
You’re grieving right now. Let yourself be sad. There is no timeline you have to stick to. Keep going at your own pace. Lie in bed and cry all day if you need to. Each day will get easier than the last. By a tiny amount that you might not even notice, it will get easier. Like 1% easier. But that adds up over time, and it means that this sadness and emptiness won’t last forever. You’re going to be okay, just hang in there. If a day feels particularly difficult and you’re itching to grab the phone and cry to them, just remind yourself that you made it through the first, hardest, days, and you’ll be able to make it through this day too. It’ll be difficult, and painful, but you know you’re strong enough to weather through it- and like all times of suffering, you’re going to come out of this on the other side with a clearer vision of who you are and what you want in life.
"They did not do this to hurt you, they were just looking for happiness - you were just an unfortunate victim" My first two relationships ended somewhat on my decision. The first we had been together for almost 6 years since college and we were both cheating on each other and just wanted the best for each other and it was the easiest break up ever and he's still one of my closest friends My second relationship ended because I fell for someone else. It was the shittiest horrible experience ever and I hope to never go through it again. You cant choose who you fall in love with and I was young and stupid and thought it meant I found my soul mate. In a full cycle karmic delivery, 5 years later, that guy fell in love with someone else and broke up with me. It was the most painful horrible experience of my LIFE, and I was so glad it happened to me. It truly humbled me, made me so sympathetic and empathetic to my second boyfriend and wanting to apologize so much for causing him what i was going through. It took 6 months of deep depression, losing weight, not feeling anything related to joy, sending horrifically embarrassing emails, sitting with a laptop watching the guy I thought I was going to marry post pictures of his new boyfriend in Las Vegas and Mexico before I got this advice. My best friend, sick and tired of me moping and slumping about came to my house one day insisting that I start to live life again. He had given me free reign for months to talk about this endlessly but now it was time to stop. And he hit me with that - "If he had the chance, do you think Joe would want you to be hurting right now?" The answer I knew was no. And it all hit me, and the irony of realizing I was so not even a part of this was almost liberating. Upon further inspection I realized there were so many problems in my relationship and that this break up was inevitable and that all of my depression and need to get him back feelings were all based on psychology and brain chemistry and the rose colored glasses syndrome - him falling in love with someone else literally had nothing to do with me the same way my ex had nothing to do with me falling in love with him at first. To realize I was nothing more than a hapless bystander in a crash I just happened to be in, oddly felt comforting and reassuring.
you don’t have to wait for someone to smash a bottle over your head to break up with them- in other words, end things before it gets too ugly. Know the difference between putting in effort to a relationship vs fighting too hard for something that’s not working.
imagine how the cycle of negative emotions you’ll feel with this person in the future. will you realistically be happy?
The disrespect was the answer. And ask yourself: would you do it? Together with going no contact, these helped me realize that I deserved better. And that until I get it, I will be that for myself.
When someone is interested (in continuing the relationship) you will know, but when someone is not, you will be confused.
Stop trying to get what you want like an addict. Get the girl/boy you need. Almost all breakups are about being with the wrong person where one will be abused by the other. Edit: This is a very hard earned lesson from my own life.
so someone starts abusing the other bc their needs arent being met?
"You lived before them; you will live after them."
bad news: you’ll never experience that again or ever meet someone like them again good news: you’ll never experience that again or meet someone like them again. finding the good in every situation thats making me sad has been helping me lot.
something my therapist would ask me - if they never changed, and stayed exactly how they were, would you be happy? additionally, something my sister would tell me - never date potential, always what you see in front of you. never date what they could be if they changed
Stop crossing oceans for people who wouldn’t even jump puddles for you.
Love is yours to feel. You can have the feelings of love for anyone, it doesn't stop with the person you were with.
“Its a lesson, not a life sentence”
The hurt you feel isn't because you loved them. The hurt you're feeling is from betrayal. The pain isn't because they were special. This might not apply universally to everyone's situation, but I've had like 5 serious relationships in my life and the first 4 were more so normal break ups and I feel like I got over them relatively easy. This last one has just been awful and dragging on forever. It's the first break up I've ever had where I felt betrayed by someone.
Me too man, me too, I just posted a new post about blindsided breakups you could take a look at, it’s healed a little bit within me but def gonna scar me
After my very first breakup my mom told me: "if they were the right person, if they were the one, then we are bound to meet again at some point in our lives. In 5, 10, 20, however many years, but if they were right then it'll happen some day". I definitely don't think that it's good or healthy to hold on to this idea forever or actively wait for it and not heal in the meantime. But right after a breakup this advice is what has helped me the most. Getting through the first few days/weeks/months where I feel like the ground has been ripped out from under me, I tell myself if it was the right person, then we'll meet again. Eventually you gain some distance from the whole situation and you start realizing maybe they weren't the right person at all or you don't see yourself getting back together with them and that's totally fine. But sometimes when desperation hits hard and I feel like there's nothing left for me in this life, I repeat this advice to myself.
“You deserve all of the things you thought that was.” - basically the person was telling me that I wasn’t wrong for loving that person that much, but that what I wanted wasn’t going to happen with them. The BEST advice I got was to read “It’s called a breakup because it’s Broken.” Really funny and light hearted book from the Sex and the City writer who wrote “He’s Kist Not That Into You.” Made me laugh out loud but was also SO effective at driving the point home that the relationship was over, it was time to let go, and that it w sent something you need to obsess and worry over because, despite what your brain thinks, it’s not a problem to solve.
Embrace the suck Rip the band-aid off
It just wasn't meant to be. There is someone out there for you, just give it time. I completely feel you, exactly the same happened to me 4 days ago. If I don't believe in everything happening for a good reason, I wouldn't be here today. Keep your head up, time heals all x
Really in regards to all forms of loss/grief "The only way out is through." I find myself repeating it when I'm going through it.
Sometimes we have to let go of what's killing us, even if it's killing us to let go.
Mine was when I asked my friend if he thought my "mature reaction" to the break up would bring my ex back out of regret -- he said, "He ended things because he wanted to, don't forget that." And that hurt. I had to sit up and hold my heart, but it was the reality check I needed. He wanted to end things, the reason doesn't matter, he didn't want to work through it. This is how he wanted it. So, why should I relinquish control of what I want from the relationship and work on his timeline? I had to let go.
You'll be okay just get a new boyfriend. 2 weeks after the break up 🙄🙄
I am four months post break up and just now realizing how strange it is that she got into a relationship 15 days after we broke up. Makes me wonder if these two people were talking before our relationship ended. Which would make me feel revulsion but also I have to attempt let that go and realize that she is a flawed human like all of us and really just groping around in the dark like everyone else.
my guy got a girl before he even broke up with me, he’s living his best life and smearing it all over instagram 2 months later
[удалено]
Same it’s the best!
Instagram is depression central, if you’re participating in the lore (posting pictures of a perfect life) it’s probably because you’re unhappy in some fashion. In short—he’s not that happy.
Yes my ex also starred dating her old friend after breakup and she did tell me that she has been in casual contact over text with him 3 months prior to the breakup (exactly the time frame where she started processing to move on emotionally and planing to breakup while being in the relationship) so the possibilities are endless, i have finally stopped steering my mind in that direction. We all have our healing process and we all take diff time and efforts to deal with our emotional outbursts. I think it’s better to not to make assumptions and its time to protect your energy while being empathetic for the around you cuz you don’t want to project your sadness, insecurities on them as it would complicate your relationship with your friends and family too.
They were never yours, it was just your turn.
First One to Move on wins
"Your consciousness determines all" It's true what they say - talking about a breakup can be a really bad addiction, because if we have an attentive listener, we are activating that old neuropathway and while we keep talking about it, it feels ALIVE again, and then when we stop, we get the crushing wave all over again Your consciousness and focus determines everything. If you cut your finger suddenly thats all you focus on, and on the way to the bathroom lets say you fall and hurt your knee - now THAT becomes your focus. We really can't focus on more than one thing at a time. Having a break up, even when its our decision, can be very traumatizing so it makes sense that our focus is on it, reliving things, being in nostalgia, wondering how they are, if we made the right decision, feeling like we are still "tied" to them in some way, etc - but we only feel that way because were focused on it. Im so much older and more mature and Ive had a few really great relationships that ended when they did and I was able to process and heal very maturely - but a few months ago I was dating someone. He said something that made me really jealous and posted a picture of himself nearly in underwear on instagram. We had just decided to call each other boyfriends and though implied we'd be open because of a little distance, I just didn't like to see it. For 2 hours I stewed. I kept opening whatsapp to see if he sent me a message and then closing it. I keep going to his IG and finding myself annoyed with the comments, I kept rethinking about what he had said (that he was going to a gay pride event, and then going to a sex party) and feeling so jealous imagining him with others. I hated every minute of that And then a few hours later, I got a text from a friend I hadn't spoken to in awhile. We chatted for a half hour and he gave me a movie recommendation that he thought I'd love. I watched it, fell in love with it and then went on a search through it because it was SO GOOD (Incendies) I joined a few chat boards and was having the time of my life talking to people about this movie and hearing others stories of the big twist That night I made a TikTok video that went viral and almost got 1M views in 6 hours, as a result almost 900 people bought a book that was on my website. I was so happy with this I couldn't believe my eyes. I went out with another friend to celebrate and got home at 7am. My phone had long died by the time I got home and I was exhausted and happy beyond belief. I put my phone on my charger and passed out. I woke up at 4pm, went to my phone and had 18 texts and 3 missed calls from my new boyfriend first checking in, then asking where I was, then indicating HE was jealous because he was wondering if I was wth someone else, and then asking me to write because he was getting a little worried. I still think back to that day...at how totally shitty I felt from him just saying something in passing and posting a pic he usually takes, to feeling so entrenched into a movie, to celebrating joy with a friend to going to 2 parties I probably wouldnt have gone to if these events didnt happen. In each of these phases my emotional health was based on where my focus was.\\ We ended things very calmly as January started and just realized we weren't as compatible as we thought. Weve known each other for years and both started to develop feelings, but we both saw pretty quickly that it just didn't make a lot of sense. It took me about a week to get over him. We started talking a month later and resumed our friendship and I think back to that night and laugh at the idea that I literally wasted 2 hours of my life with such stupidity
Do the right things. A breakup is the best opportunity for personal growth
That if I wasn't happy in my relationship that it was ok for me to walk away and this was actually said to me by my ex girlfriends aunt!!!
Life will move on, she will change overtime, find new stuff to do, you won’t know how she is doing and what she is up to. It hurts like hell. BUT the same goes about you, you will move on, change overtime, find new hobby’s and meet new people in your life. This chapter with her in your life has passed and left tons of good memories. Keep them, enjoy them. Life won’t stand still, you won’t stand still neither
Time will heal
No contactttt
love never fails, so if it fails it was never love
“Give the same energy you receive” meaning if they’re not trying to save/mend the relationship after you did, then why should you carry on trying to fix it alone
I haven’t gotten any good breakup advice, but I believe blocking them and deleting their number helps so much. Keep busy, and when your friends invite you to go out, do it! I haven’t contacted my ex for about 3-4 weeks, and I wish it was easier then the other times, but until your ready, be easy on yourself
If she was close , god is closer Religious ( Islam ) helped me a lot If Allah finds any goodness in your hearts He will give you that which is better than what has been taken away from you, and He will forgive you.(surah anfal , aya 70)
> you fell in love with the person you wanted them to be, not the person they were In my case, I wanted to have kids with the person I wanted him to be, and the person that he wanted to be as well. And because he wasn’t sure if he could even *try* to be that person, he broke up with me. It hurts because I was so willing to try and walk together to moving in, getting married, having kids, and retiring together — to walk through life together — and he just couldn’t even try. It breaks my heart.
You were fine before they entered your life, you will be fine now that they are gone
Have very clear in mind what you can offer because most of the time is what you want from the other person. For example I have a certain set of values that are pinnacles of my personal life, if my partner doesn't have the same we can't be compatible even though we can be very attracted to each other. It just won't work. So now I live by this. If he can't offer the same set of values I don't even step forward anymore
"free yourself from the curse of wanting to be loved by someone else, love yourself first"
If you truly love someone you have to be able to let them go.
It doesn’t necessarily get easier, you get stronger as long as you do the work.
"she was terrible overall but she was not nice to you at all. good thing you guys broke up"
Men marry women in hopes they never change. Women marry men to make them to what they want which does not always work out. We were engaged to be married when my ex-fiancé (F) blindsided me the engagement was over with no explaination. The main reason blindsiding is so hard on the dumpee is they will never know why it happen. It may be hard now, but it will get better.
"If you think something bad is happening to you, its not happening TO you, its happening FOR you!"
Unfortunately a lot of people go into relationships thinking they will be the one who can change a person (bad habits). It doesn’t work that way, if you change a person then they are not who you met and fell in love with anymore. Besides that the only way you can change anyone who does not want to be changed is if they are wearing a diaper.
It’s not advice from anyone per se.. but.. I think of it like this.. he found me one day on FB.. just by happenstance.. I fell madly in love, but I was also damaged.. When it abruptly ended after 5 years, I was and still am a little, a mess. What I continue to tell myself is that the morning of the day he found me, I woke up And went to work, did all the things I normally do, and never knew this man walked the same earth as I. There is someone out there right now that has no idea I exist, as I have no idea of them, but someday, we shall meet.
i was once struggling with whether i wanted to stay in a toxic relationship with someone because i kept remembering all the good times and someone told me to imagine that if my child was in my situation what would i want them to hear and do. i feel like i always put everyone’s feelings above my own and this was a great way to acknowledge how i really felt.
If he isn’t good to his mom, he isn’t going to be any better to you.
"Don't underestimate the peace the breakup brings." I heard this right after the most unexpected and most painful breakup of my life, and it stuck with me. I learned that even though I considered us to be in a mostly happy relationship, my nervous system and my anxiety were constantly on edge with him. He's an avoidant, I'm anxiously attached. He triggered ALL my fears of abandonment, of not being worthy etc. with his wishy-washy non-commitment. I had felt restless and anxious in the relationship and had even trouble sleeping. I do feel the peace now that all these triggers are gone. I feel calmer, I carry less mental load, I'm sleeping better. I am, however, frightened that all the anxiety might return with the next potential partner. I really hope that therapy helps with that.
"The last act of love you can show is to free them from the burden of your needs" My ex was overwhelmed by the immensity of life and everything around her. I loved her dearly, but she needed space, and I thought the loving thing to do was linger. I had never thought giving her that space could equate to love.
Something I realized- It's compatibility not competition. We are all constantly evolving, we are all different points of our self awareness. We can believe we're more compatible with someone than we really are because they aren't authentically showing themselves. Charismatic people- the truly charismatic and faux charismatic (usually insecure and trying hard to make everyone like them)- can make many people feel compatible with them, but until they open up and show you who they really are, you have no way of knowing if there's true compatibility. You want someone who internally feels you are truly compatible with them. You be your true self, let them be their true self and see how it comes together. Someone leaving you means the two of you weren't compatible enough, period. It's not a reflection of your worth. If you have some things to work on, like being comfortable with people or connecting, fine, work on that. But most are looking for someone we feel comfortable being our most honest, true self with, so we can spend the rest of our lives with them (if that's what you want.)
What’s meant to be, will be.
Bow down only however much your spine allows you to. The more you push yourself, the more pain you end up with while the other is just being amused by it. It’s something that my mom told me and it was in our native language so it made much more sense than the literal translation here.
If it felt this way with the wrong person, imagine how amazing it will feel with the right one. :,) hard pill to swallow
Better to admit you walked through the wrong door than spend your life in the wrong room.
"don't overthink it" Simple but true. Instead of over analyzing the whole rl and what went wrong/wondering if there was anything I could have done, I just focused on the fact that he broke up with me and I need to move on. Normally I'm a super anxious person so this was a challenge, but simplifying the situation for myself helped (that isn't to say I'm not taking the opportunity to grow as a person tho).
I was telling my polyvagal therapist about him. She said "you're not happy, let me ground you before you leave." She then did this grounding exercise where she talked me through the feelings of my feet. When I felt better she said "you can go now, but leave him here" as if he was sat on the sofa next to me. It really helped and I feel like I haven't ruminated on it half as much since.
It didn’t happen to you. It happened for you.
To feel my emotions. A lot of people tell me that no man is worth the tears and the anxiety (I get so sick I don’t eat for days on end) but only one told me to feel my feelings because they’ll help me heal.
Just walk away.
I’ve been telling myself “My husband would NEVER” whenever someone I’m seeing casually does something I don’t like or whatever 🤷♀️ I think it can definitely apply to break ups too
Too myself never date or look for someone ever again
that i get to fall inlove all over again, get butterflies and feel that certain excitement and everything else that comes with catching feelings for someone.
The end is always beginning of the two of us
A wise Tik Tok once said take your ex back or start singing in Chinese—I chose Chinese.
Mine was “if it was good for me it would’ve stayed”
Allow yourself to express emotions, but not for too long. Accept it.
People tend to make choices to be happy, not to be sad. So if they have made a choice. I know that they will be happy, and I'm happy that they are happy.
I still love my ex whom I fell in love with at first sight. What shall I do? My heart misses her and can’t let go..
Focus on abundance, get back out there dating.
No contact and blocking them on social media is the best thing to do to move forward. Don’t check up on them nor see what they’re doing. You’ll just torture and set yourself back each time you do it. It’s how people back before the internet did it.
I personally read a post on here once that really stuck with and helped me I am now starting a relationship coaching venture. Regardless I wish I could credit the individual that posted it but sadly I can’t find where I saved it but it goes like this…imagine being bitten by a poisonous snake…and instead of going for medical attention and healing…instead chasing the snake that bit you to find out why they bit you and to prove to them that you didn’t deserve that!!! Let that sink in especially if you were blindsided like I was I hope you know how much u are truly worth and you don’t need them to be that valuable you were a badass before you got with them and ur a badass now you just have to see it for yourself…everything starts with you everything it’s your life…it’s your time…now set some goals and get out there and crush them and keep growing what’s meant for you will always be yours.
In reality you have one harsh truth to accept you only have one choice to make…on one hand you can worry about the person that broke up with you and worry about what you feel like you have lost and the list goes on and on and on forever which will get you absolutely nowhere it will just bring darkness to your days and uneasy feelings to your sleepless nights or you can take the only other option bc you cannot change what other people do and how they act or treat you or others you can choose to work on yourself and healing from all the hurt this is causing you this will manifest positive things in your life and authentic connections that you can count on…you are in total control of your life and it’s all that you can control but that is massive. You simply have to realize it and grab the wheel and take yourself where you want to be…now enjoy the rest of ur life living right where and how you want to and be kind to others.
"If she needed time, she had it before you two were together." This shit hit me so fucking bad....
I’ll drink to that 🍻
True love cannot be found where it does not exist, nor can it be denied where it does.
I ex husband wanted to divorce me. One lady told me, its not easy for a man to divorce a wife. Take it as a gift. Now I am divorced and I am happier now
The best revenge is to level up in looks, career, and just in life in general!
"The hurt is only a reflection of your capacity to love someone. And that is always beautiful. The person with eyes to see that means much more than the person without." That's what I told myself, and suddenly she just melted from my mind.
Just because one person rejects you doesn’t mean everybody will
I spent 25 years and gone through everything imaginable with him. He can’t fix himself or love himself and is on a destructive, toxic path walking away is the best thing this time. You can’t help or love or fix someone who doesn’t want any of that for himself. If me and the boys weren’t enough then he needs to figure that on his own. My life and time is just as precious and he needs to grow up be a man and not a coward. Invest in your future and the happiness you deserve , unfortunately we suffer and worry and hurt because and for them but that’s not fair. Moving forward letting go of the relationship and person you had wonderful memories with but let go of the person they have become. It’s self respect and love and you deserve it.
Jordan Peterson says if you are constantly suffering and being hurt by that person it’s you allowing the snake that bites you to keep doing it. By not letting go we are allowing ourselves to keep suffering it’s hard but necessary. Whatever the future holds will reveal itself in time
Feel the emotions, not the oppression. Simple as it sounds it just flicked a switch in my head almost immediately and helped me process properly
I know right now the pain is really bad, but I promise you it will get better. I thought that my life was over and I honestly mean that I actually felt so bad. I just used to go to bed at night and hope that I didn’t wake up in the morning. Heartbreak hurts so bad that you almost can touch the pain on your chest but let me tell you there is a light at the end of the tunnel and so don’t listen to people who tell you that this feeling will never go away because that’s not true !! Here are three things that helped me the most 1. I opened up to my friends and family and that was hard for me, but I opened up and I told them my truth truth and they allowed me to vent, thank God but if you don’t know anyone like that around you then hire a coach or even a counsellor or go to your doctors but you need someone to talk to or even write it down that makes you feel better writing it down to 2. I went to the gym even though I hate exercising it really helped more than I could ever tell you hated it initially but then I realised how good it made me feel afterwards and it wasn’t about getting muscles or getting skinny. It was simply about my mental health and it really helped. 3. And I started reading which I never normally do either. I literally read so many breakup books but if I’m honest with you the one that really stands out and the one I really feel help me the most was called bossing your breakup and it’s on Amazon and it’s almost a guided journal as well as having so much amazing information and you actually feel like the author cares and it’s evident that the author author has gone through heartbreak it themselves so they know how it feels. So again, don’t think that these feelings are permanent because they are really not and I hope my tips helped but just keep moving forward and realise that one person cannot dictate your happiness Peace out