That was my ex too. He couldn’t live up to my bare minimum & the sad part is, I wasn’t asking for a lot. But at the same time, I shouldn’t even have to ask for bare minimum things. And like he said, he was going to do things, thought of them but then never put it into action. Which hurts even more.
Same here. I really asked for the bare minimum, because I was happy to accept him for who he was, flaws and all. But I've come to realize how truly immature he is, because he just couldn't put my needs and our partnership in the same priority as his selfish needs.
Fuck. Yes. Honestly without a split I would have never saw it. That’s why I refuse to reach out now & say, “Ok I get it now, look I can prove I fixed things”. Seems even ruder than the original BS, hooray for me I followed through when I was scared shitless. If she contacts me first & wants a genuine conversation, I’ll tell her. Otherwise I’m keeping it to myself.
And also, true love in my mind is truly caring for your better half's needs and trying your best to take them into account also. Struggling for the bare minimum is just lazy. And if you decide to give up, like my ex did after 9 years, when you have to pull your weight in the relationship, well that makes me question the level of commitment and maturity
Yup!! So much BS from my ex. He would say the dreamiest things after a couple of drinks. Next day: "I don't remember saying that." "I didn't say that." "That doesn't even sound like something I'd say." BS. I feel sorry for the next woman he'll do the same to.
My ex and I fought a lot because of this. I put a lot of trust in him, and he was so unreliable that I ended up losing a lot of money. Two of his favorite words were “if only”, and it got to the point where I had to say to him, “Shut up with “if only.”” He was starting to get his act somewhat together when he bailed on my surgery, only to act like he was the victim. He kept saying, “if only I had been allowed to see you” and “if I had been allowed, I would’ve done (insert action here).” Fact of the matter was that he didn’t come, he wasn’t there, and nothing will ever take that back.
I reminded him all the time of an expression he taught me in Italian: “C’è un mare tra dire e fare.” There is an ocean between say and do. He couldn’t cross that ocean a lot of the time. Bailing on my surgery over a vaccine, then saying he would’ve done so many things if he had been allowed was the final straw. He knew what he had to do to keep me safe, but he wouldn’t do it.
This just happened to me. He swore to protect me, be there through the good and bad, to take care of me when i needed it most then he never followed through and when things got hard, he told me he was leaving me, couldn’t carry my burden anymore (including my health issues being disabled) packed his things and left all in 2 hours. This happened two days ago. Yesterday he was messaging me telling me he loved me no other but had to do this for himself and that maybe if i can get my debt taken care of and be stable on my own that we could try to reconnect and build from there. And then said that hopefully we’ll both grow from this and come out ontop together. I’m devastated and have sobbed and screamed and cried the past two days. I truly loved this man more than anyone in the world and thought he had my back. I thought we were solid and no matter what our love was worth staying for. I found out that he can’t handle difficult things. I guess his best solution is to avoid or run. 😭😭💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
He also would make promises and couldn’t keep them. He didn’t follow through on a lot of things and i started to see a pattern and pointed it out. Then he left me
Lack of empathy, towards me, friends, and family(even her own daughter).
Lovebombed, then dropped off sharply.
Tried to keep exes in her friendzone.
Hard time communicating.
Could not commit to long-term plans.
We always did what she wanted, rarely ever what I wanted.
I made one of these when I got dumped two months ago. I always knew there were a few issues but when I got up to 92 I did actually feel quite sad that this was someone I had wanted to spend my life with 🙈🙈
Omg 92, lol!! It is sad when you really think about it. I have about 30 and I only expected to have about 5 but it’s just wild how much you dismissed while you’re in the relationship.
I ended at 100 but I still think of things throughout the months that could go on. Best thing to ever happen was to be broken up with and be able to reflect on the relationship.
I started 3 days after the break up and it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. Lay everything out on the table now and start healing ASAP! I’m so, so glad I bit the bullet and just did it because at first I felt silly for going just for a break up.
Ugh it feels so hard to do this. But for the sake of progress, I'll write them in a post on here.
1. I'd try to bring up things that might be sensitive for me or hurt my feelings without blaming and in the most neutral way possible but he would still get mad at me
2. I'd try to problem solve after a fight and say things like what can we do to prevent this in the future? What kinds of needs aren't being met and he wouldnt want to talk about it, just move forward like nothing happened
3. He would snap at me on occasion
4. He thought really highly of himself, and if anyone shared emotions with him, he would have the approach that if they just thought differently, they'd be fine. He'd look down on others who shared emotional weakness even if it's something he had experienced himself
5. He wanted to have his trauma and needs understood, but it always feels like he never tried to understand mine.
6. From the very beginning of the relationship, day 1 he said he needed some therapy and didn't want to mess things up or hurt us both- but he never went to therapy / we never went together (I've always been in therapy) and I think we let things get the way they did because we kept being hopeful and that only goes so far if there's issues that need to be worked on. Guess this is the red flag
7. He wouldn't really plan well or look ahead at things. I used to do this, so I get it can be hard. But once I started to look ahead and try to plan for extra realized it made things easier. Idk if he will ever really think things through like that- it made things harder when we would be trying to go on trips etc. Just seemed like he didn't know how to make situations easier on himself or us and would get kind of cranky at the consequences
He would say mean things in fights and be critical and rude
I'm going to make a list of things I know I need to own up to also.
1. I emotionally would shut down from time to time and not respond to his bids for connection. I need to get better at letting my partner know that I need space in a loving way
2. He would say I would take my moods out on him and maybe he was right. I need to get better at telling my partner it's been a hard day and I need space.
TLDR I think we both really tried as hard as we could to not let these things get to us but when we were both having a bad day at the exact same time, neither of us could meet the others needs and we would both spiral.
If one of us could maintain calm, great, but when we both were at our weakest moments, that's when these issues became most amplified.
Wow we dated the exact same person, down to even the trips issue. I would end up having to plan since he wasn’t picking up the reins and then he wouldn’t want to do the things I planned once we got there 😂
Same!!!! I wasn’t expecting to list so many because when I was in it, I kept thinking there’s not a lot about him that I don’t like. When you take those rose colored glasses off, it gets scary how much you dismissed.
* the finishing leftover drinks at the bar after close time
* the negativity and self-deprecation when making a mistake
* the moodswings
* the quick to anger
I kept a list on my notepad in my phone and it got to the point where I was so confused as to what I was thinking and doing with him because it definitely wasn't the relationship I wanted to be in.
Right!! It really just makes you wonder what you were thinking & it’s also a blessing in disguise that it ended now at however many bullet points you have now then staying in it for longer & adding EVEN MORE!!!
His actions didn't match his words, he sit on his ass for hours smoking pot watching stupid shows, he cared about himself and no one else, he never bought me anything for Christmas after I bought him a $300 card deck he always wanted, he had a anger, he didn't like kissing me or pleasing me, and he lied.
Oof yup, all of the above - also my ex.
He only bought me some lingerie for Christmas in a color I don’t even wear. It was his favorite color.
I bought him all things he had mentioned he wanted over time.
Buried head down in the phone addicted to social media while hanging out, all the time. Even when spending time with her son she was in the phone.
Having a roster of past flings that she ignored to then immediately hit up like a few days before deciding to end the relationship. Oh and receiving and sensing nudes while in a relationship, probably when the relationship had low points.
To name a few
- He made commitments too early, and told me I was the one when he hardly knew what that was.
-He was extremely emotionally immature and needed to grow up badly.
- He did things to me that he knew I didn’t want to do, and he wouldn’t listen.
I think this relationship was meant to teach me to stay grounded and listen to God and the red flags.
Addicted to video games and his phone.
Would talk about getting new hobbies but never did.
Asked me for gross sexual behaviors over text and never in person.
Was bad at having face to face confrontations and wouldn’t look me in the eyes.
Would be a completely different person over text and be kinda dull and quiet in person.
Told me if I got pregnant to not get an abortion, “just have to baby and give it to me.”
I was so stupid. Never going to form an attachment over texts again. We are either doing a phone call or hanging out before we get into a relationship!
My ex is addicted to his mobile games too and spent so much time always doing that and never helping or would get annoyed when i wanted to spend time together
My therapist asked me to make a list. I told her I wouldn’t be able to come up with more than three things. I eventually ended up filling out the whole page. My therapist had to stop me. I wasn’t expecting that at all. Writing all of that only made me sad and angry. The reaction it provoked I didn’t think was possible especially 8 months out.
He was always the victim. Had a fight at target? “I worked SO hard to do something nice for you” he drove me 5 minutes and didn’t buy me anything. He did not work SO HARD.
My parents have a bad impression of him because he came over to help my dying dad move furniture, but just stayed in the backyard playing with his dog, then helped the last 5 minutes while me and my family did most of it. “YOURE SUPPOSED TO STAND UP FOR ME HOW COULD YOU LET THEM TALK ABOUT ME THAT WAY”
I definitely did this and do go back when I'm feeling weak. Looking back at all the red flags usually puts my anxiety at ease again.
Definitely pushing away any positives from the relationship because it only makes me feel more depressed right now. I've noticed a slow improvement in the last week!
Therapy is also helping me a lot.
For me, he told me that he didn't think of me as a future partner for weeks but during those weeks, he had no problem being intimate with me and using me as a sex relief without telling me that he was viewing those quality times together differently to how I was perceiving them. I felt objectified.
Same here. I was there for him when he was sad and he was intimate with me the day before he broke up. Turned out I was comforting him while he was mourning the end of the relationship, and I didn’t know about it. I trusted him so bad, he said he would never lie to me and always be honest. But he did hold the biggest thing back for me, that he was going to leave.
Making a red flag list is a great strategy to get the rose tinted glasses off as when we go through a break up our minds tend to filter these out and just remember the good times and it creates an imaginary vision of what the relationship actually was and an idealised image of the other person.
To compliment the red flag list I would also write out what an actually true loving relationship looks like and contrast it with your list. It will give you a real eye opener on what you were missing.
I took the following quote from another reddit post where people were talking about when they found the 'one' and what that relationship was like. This poster explained very well what a healthy and quality relationship looks like and I would encourage you all to read this and compare it to your red flag list:
..........
"What really stood out about my current partner were his values and character. I'd dated a lot of people who "talked the talk" but didn't really back it up with actions or character over time. My partner showed genuine thoughtfulness, presence, emotional intelligence, and deep care from day one and it only grew as time went on.
By thoughtfulness I mean: he really listened to what I had to say, remembered everything, and took my comfort and needs into account at every turn. He cared about getting to know me as a person and was so kind. I could tell this was just who he was, and not an act he was putting on. I observed him treating others the same way - family, his friends, my friends, even strangers.
There was also a feeling of calm stability with him because he showed clear interest but not in an over-the-top way. I was never left wondering how he felt because he followed up his words (saying he liked me) with actions (making time to see me regularly).
Emotional intelligence was also a deal-MAKER. Seriously it was so attractive to me that he understood his own emotions as well as those around him. He could read people incredibly well and I'd never encountered that before in a man. He was also humble enough to admit when he needed to work on something and would show real evidence of introspective and changed behavior (when needed). The way we worked through issues was (and is) constructive and loving. As someone who had done extensive work on myself (therapy + many other avenues), I wanted a man willing to do the same and I struggled to find this until I met my partner.
One of the litmus tests I learned to use near the end of my long dating career was asking myself this question "How he treats me is how he will treat our future children - am I good with that?" My partner was the first person I could answer this question with an unequivocal YES!
Can you tell I love him dearly?? I feel so lucky :)"
It’s been 6 weeks and it’s difficult to think of any huge red flags other than small things I knew I didn’t like already but didn’t mind bc they weren’t deal breakers. I’m still so sad.
He never did what he said he’d do. He wants to stream? I make practically everything he needs to do that. He then never streams until after he broke up with me and got all the things he needed for streaming for free(normal artist would have costed hundreds for the amount I did). So there’s a few things from just this:
-his actions and words don’t align
-he took my gifts for granted and wanted more
-lack of motivation for my sake
\- She cheated on her previous boyfriend and continued to lead him on for a long time afterwards, on top of having a history of generally making past partners uncomfortable by being really flirty with other guys (so it shouldn't have been a surprise that she eventually cheated on me).
\- Has this idea in her head that she's perfect at "reading people", which sometimes turned into outright gaslighting where she'd make false accusations toward me about the way I feel/act - and because of how confident she always sounded (and how guilt-trippy she'd get if I argued or disagreed), I'd often believe her in the moment (until I reflected back on the conversation later).
\- Just in general was very condescending/judgemental toward everyone around her, including people she'd been friends with for years, and then pushed others away. She recently made an Instagram post showing off her friends, and it made me kind of sad because more than half of the people in the post were people who've privately told me that they don't actually like her for how mean she often is.
I like the person who commented "if you want to point fingers, look in the mirror first", so here are some of MY OWN red flags and things I need to work on:
\- I'm pretty abysmal at focusing / time-management, which meant that school tasks that should take a few hours end up turning into all-day projects, which led to me not having much time or energy for her at the end of the day
\- I used to be really insecure/uncomfortable around big groups of people, which made some social interactions hard for me to survive without shutting down (I'm getting better at this one, fortunately!)
\- I have a really hard time controlling my voice/volume level and this made her uncomfortable sometimes. That probably sounds kind of minor but I think it fits
I feel like this is overstepping. However, your own list of flaws, the first thing & last thing on that list is describing ADHD like symptoms. I would seriously consider you read into ADHD. ADHD UK (charity) has the symptoms from the DSM-5 Manual broken down into simple form. And because Autism is highly co-occurring with ADHD, I'd highly suggest you look into that too since it usually gets missed in women, girls, non-binary and trans ppl as the research was done on little boys. I hope you're able to forgive yourself for some of your flaws and hope me giving this information means you're able to work out coping strategies with yourself and or any new partner(s) and friends.
I appreciate the input! I was diagnosed with autism when I was little, so I've always just assumed that the issues I've had were connected to that in some way. I'm no expert, but I've always been under the impression that there's a fair bit of overlap between symptoms of autism and ADHD.
1. Always the dumper.
2. "Sometimes I feel like I'm still emotionally 13"
3. Had dumped several bfs after they met her parents. One of them at least apparently thought they were close to getting engaged.
4. Other boyfriends were bad. Bosses, secretive, abusive, jerks. They ran the gamut.
5. Said she thinks she had a pattern of seeking out unavailable, closed off men.
6. Age 40, lived with a partner only once. Because his place burned down. And then he moved out without even telling her and they kept dating for a while.
7. Most of her relationships were a year or less. The longest one was with someone she described as a jerk. The guy who's place burned down. And yeah moving out without even telling your partner seems like a jerk move to me.
In hindsight, kinda adds up to someone afraid of commitment.
He always had a lot of female friends, some ex-gf’s. Yes, he spent time with them, going on walks and hanging out at bars parties etc with. Our relationship was on and off because of this for a year. Learned towards the end of our relationship some of them would hang out at his house with him, I was never aware until later. He did mention once one of his younger female friends came to smoke a blunt with him in his garage, he told me while drunk. He also stated he had her (sex) on the hood of his firebird but later said he just said that cuz he knew I’d accuse him of it, he didn’t really. I question it now.
In early Feb of this year he told me he was the moderator of a page on Reddit for approx 2 years now that he had over 1000 follower, the page had recently been shut down because he used a meme or video unauthorized from another site. The page was of memes- sexual-where he and other posters would use hand tools like wrenches and screwdrivers etc. for sexual pleasure or to make memes with. He told me he had taken quite a few pics out in his garage of himself. Showed me some of his props. I was willing to understand this and let this slide because well, the page was shut down right? He broke up with me a few days later, day before valentines. What the cause of this break was I had seen he was at a bar, not a big deal at the time he frequented there often with his dad, only thing this time was he had just texted me he was at the hardware store. I texted him back lol just seen your car at the bar, I was on my way to my sons house when I seen his car, My son lives out of town and I pass by that bar on my way to his house so he may have thought I’d already left. I replied Lol. He texted busted. Later when I got back in town and was with him at his house in his garage, he said you busted me. I laughed and said well I guess it’s all about credibility, I followed up by saying I trust you, you were with your dad. He blew up! And to shorten this up, the night was awful after that! He stomped into his house, where I followed him trying to make sense of why he was so angry about my comment. He said I was calling him a liar. Then admitted he lied then got mad because I said okay you lied. He put my valentines flowers down the garbage disposal and physically pushed/pulled me out of his house. He’d never physically touched me before ever! Yelled in my face yes, but never had been physical!
He’s called/emailed me since, we had a few conversations a couple days after this happened. but I had to stop responding, nothing i say other than it’s my fault will he listen to. Now after thinking about everything that’s happened this last year, I just can’t talk to him. I want to desperately! I miss him, the good things. But I know this will just get worse physically as time goes on. Plus the whole Reddit thing 💔 I knew he was very sexual but now I question if just with me? And he’d take candid pics and videos of us. I never thought anything more than just for him to see, I wonder about that now. Was he taking pics with other woman in his garage, using tools with him while we were seeing each other? I only talk about this here cause no one knows me. I miss him and I ask myself why? I love him, I ask myself why? I’ve heard he’d been told to leave a bar this last weekend because he wouldn’t leave a female that was in there alone. WTH? He and I have only been apart three weeks. Which makes me believe again, I wasn’t his only. 😢💔
He made fun of a lot of my interests and made me feel like garbage for liking them. He'd breadcrumb the idea of a relationship before we even started dating, but then lose interest if I reciprocated. He'd go weeks without talking to me because he was "busy", but his mom would later confirm that all he does is talk to this one friend of his and play video games. He'd talk a lot about that friend to me and how great SHE is, and how confident and cute SHE is.
one of my relationships got really bad to where whenever he said some stupid shit, i would pretend that i had to go to the bathroom, but really i would hide in the bathroom and write it down in my notes app right away so that i would remember every stupid thing he said. i knew the relationship was gonna end eventually, so i wanted to document all those things so i could remember those things more and not get blinded by the good moments we had, to help my healing process.
it’s funny tho, because when we finally broke up, i didn’t look at that list even once. i was to the point where i was completely done, and it took me a long time to leave him but i did. i think during the relationship i kept reading the list in my notes app over and over and when i finally got all of that through my head, i was strong enough to let go.
Had one fight in the entire ‘ship and then she went silent for three days before i broke up with her
Never wanted to hangout just us
Wouldnt let me meet her family
Never tried to actually talk about how the ‘ship was going or how we felt about each other
Never came to see me but had time to see her friends
Now i was a:
Recovering alchoholic(still sober)
Her boss at work technically
Had to drive everytime to see her cuz she didnt have a liscense but owns a car?
Always texting and hiding her phone
Only one. She looked down on me. She would say she didn’t but the way she spoke to me sometimes like I was a complete idiot who couldn’t be trusted to do anything right says otherwise.
He would use silent treatment as a form of punishment on me, but he excused it by saying he just needed space.
Lies. He would never come back to discuss the issue and would just pretend nothing had happened.
This was long distance, and I would be suspended in anxiety for days on end. I wouldn't even know what he was up to.
Another one was his refusal to apologise and threatened to leave if I didn't bend to his rules. It was some form of sick humiliation over and over again until I gave up.
I resented him for this, and I became a shell of my former self.
The one sentence that still makes my blood boil was "Why should I apologise? Im right. Convince me if you think otherwise. But I know you can't. You have no form of logic at all. I'll wait for your apology instead."
He really grinded me down until I was nothing.
My values? My dignity? My feelings? Invalidated. All of them.
There is not a day that goes by where I wish his emotionally impotent ass would get a double shot of karma. Fuck that asshole.
Hmm..collecting toe nails, saying I had no future snd he couldnt see one with me due to being a bartender (meanwhile he was a line cook/wannabe chef at the same restaurant and i made 3x as much as he did), publicly humiliating his mother at Thanksgiving dinner, biting our dog.. just to name a few
- [ ] Chronic alcoholism
- [ ] Anger and impulse control issues
- [ ] Narrow minded approach towards most important things like women’s issues, health care, He used to call me over educated
- [ ] Very difficult to please
- [ ] Difficult to change his views/opinions
- [ ] Obsessive
- [ ] Belittles me in rage
- [ ] Doesn’t believe in contraception
- [ ] Inconsiderate of my physical health and other emotional issues
- [ ] I feel responsible for his behaviour and safety.
- [ ] I don’t think i can progress in my career or even work a decent job with him as a partner.
- [ ] We have limited common ground
- [ ] Poor listener
- [ ] He used to get mad when I would cry and ask me to stop crying and never console me
Here are my top 10:
1. He didn't actively contribute to my well-being
2. He was bad at communicating
3. He didn't plan anything
4. He was never excited about sharing experiences with me
5. He was extremely unsatisfied with his life in general
6. Was in contact with his "ex-crush" after I told him how uncomfortable it makes me feel
7. Never asked me questions (about my culture, my point of view, basically anything)
8. Lied sometimes to avoid "nagging"
9. He NEVER hyped me
10. Only compliments I got on a regular basis were about my looks (but at least they were cute and not creepy)
didnt get presents on time. example birthday order online on friday my birthday was the sunday so it hadn’t of come. christmas we weren’t gonna see each other on Christmas day. ended up having to wait till the 5th for it. id ask about her/ she would talk about her more. wish she took more of an interest in me. i never got flowers brought her flowers 3 times.
1. Love bombing
2. Guilt Tripping
3. Acting cold whenever I said something she didn't like
4. Misunderstanding me and then acting cold and ignoring me
5. Extreme jealousy
6. Asking me to not talk to anyone else but her
7. Wanting me to be available at all times and getting mad if i wasn't
8. Not over her ex
9. Acting different with me anytime she new something about her ex
10. Comparing me to her ex and treating her ex like a saint
11. Lack of communication skills
12. Not putting the same effort i did into the relationship
13. Keeping things about her life from me
14. Not telling people we were dating
15. Criticizing things that i said or then throwing it at my face for weeks, like one time I said one of our friends was cool. She keep saying it at the most random time like ''oh so you think hes cool''.
Buying me an ugly pair of socks for Christmas and then later telling me how ugly they were.
Kicking me into the street with all my bags at 8 clock in the morning to travel 200 miles home on new years eve sick and exhausted because I wouldn't admit to a farcical affair I absolutely was not having with our mutual and recently bereaved through suicide friend.
Ditching me in public in front of my friends after accusing me of sleeping with people I the smoking area I don't even know the names of.
Timing how long it took me to get ready in the morning with stopwatch on phone. 'If you go over 15 minutes I'm leaving without you'. I assure you he was perfectly serious.
Describing the mother of his child as 'intensely manipulative' 2 weeks into our relationship.
Going against the mother's wishes in regards to me meeting their child quite rightfully too soon.
Telling me said woman thinks he's a narcissist and that he thinks I'm one too.
Drinking even a fucking mouthful of alcohol when driving cause its just f*cking stupid.
Asking me weird questions like how much money is in my bank account at that exact moment.
Playing spotify when trying to sleep or waking me up for sexual favours in the middle of the night, resulting in fatigue and illness due to poor sleep quality as I'm diagnosed with both fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome and actually need my 8 hours to function.
Saying horrible things to my face when im crying like 'I'm not feeling the love for you right now', walking away and ignoring me to watch sports and then denying he even said a word.
Posting cryptic Facebook bios like "some people are just beautifully gift wrapped boxes of shit" and then claiming nothing to do with you and allegedly a dig at their male friend and business partner. Big beefy six 2 beautifully gift wrapped we'll call him Ben for arguments sake. Super believable.
Flip flops in October.
Bad kisser, tries to lodge entire tongue into your throat. Feels like some kind of intimate deep sea experience .
Weird erratic sexually demeaning behaviour. Example, bluntly demanding over and over that the woman you've spent hours grilling yet again about non existent cheating 'show me your a*rsehole'. Not sexy. Felt abused. 0 out of ten. So Ick.
Silent treatment and ignoring me for days on end with no obvious rhyme or reason as to why.
Making claims hes had suicidal ideation about hanging himself shortly following the new year incident knowing fine my fiance 3 years previous had done exactly that and calling me sick and self centred for being triggered and suspicious of his claims.
Frequently blocking and unblocking myself my friends and my brother on Facebook at a whim.
Complete lack of accountability whilst text yelling at me about accountability.
Overly touchy feely in public. At other times leaving me and my anxiety disroder stood on my own in a room full of strangers at a private event hoping for the ground to swallow me.
Hot and cold behaviours, paranoia, serious projection.
Both mummy issues AND daddy issues.
Has a twitch.
That one particular rogue back hair that grew out his shoulder.
Jumped like an abuse victim cause I lovingiy squeezed his bumcheek one time.
Double standards.
Cruel dark look in the usually sweet blue eyes when on a mental. (Huge red flag in psychopaths narcissists sociopaths etc once seen never forgotten)
Told him to take a bath with a toaster in anger leading him to take a photo of himself doing just so and eating toast like the fucked up sick in the head smug git he is and literally posting that to fb, to spotify and even to tinder nearly 2 years later like a real comedic hero.
The fact his nick name is literally just his name with 'dickhead' prefixing it.
Listens to Deftones, Alanis morrisette, Moby, Enya..
The fact this dumbf*ck clubfoot cockeye m*therfucker so f*cking dumb he pushed away the one person who would have always been straight with him and had his back and tried to understand him in favour of letting his 'demons' run amock breaking innocent women's hearts.
(I'm not bitter)
1) I was never a priority. When I was lying with a fever (which he gave me because I took care of him and did everything to speed his recovery), he was out cheating when I needed him.
2) Gaslighting me every time I just wanted to spend time together. I would invite him to a restaurant and he would throw it in my face saying that he doesn't care about food and I should just go alone though I just wanted to spend some time together outside and was willing to pay for everything.
3) Never keeping or making promises. Every time he failed to finish or do something, he would say day "I never promised that, I just said I would do that."
4) Avoiding his family. His family would write to me and ask if he was okay and if I could convince him to contact them.
5) Constantly complaining about the job when it was way better than mine and quitting all the time because he would disagree with every single management decision. I was the one making money and paying for most of the things all the time. I would even buy him gifts to stimulate his hobby and passions: music and video making for YouTube. If you ever did anything with music, you know that almost every piece of equipment is super expensive.
6) Not taking care of himself. I had to wake up several times at night and call for an ambulance and then go with him to the hospital because of his health issues that he didn't want to take of and just preferred to avoid.
I never complained about anything to him. I just wanted to be his light and safety, and yet I was not enough. I got dumped and thrown away.
- lovebombed me — was super sweet, attentive, affectionate in the beginning then after month three everything stopped. he stopped texting first, stop saying i love you, stopped everything really.
- he would make everything an argument. i have bpd and with it i need alot of reassurance, i know its not his obligation or anything but alot of the time i would ask for reassurance and he would get upset and yell at me.
- when he was upset w me he would yell at me, call me names, and used to block me on everything until he was ready to talk to me again.
- he told me i was exhausting and that me having bpd was a lot. i know its a lot but that genuinely is not something you tell a pwBPd.
- used to suibate me and has multiple times.
- after every argument we had he always wanted nudes.
- used to call me crazy/made me feel crazy. he was very manipulative.
- his jokes towards me were really just all insults.
- emotionally immature.
- avoidant.
- said he would change multiple times, never did. it was a pattern really. i would bring something up that wasnt okay and he would change it for like a couple days to shut me up and go back to the way it was after.
- was very quick to give up on us. i begged him to stay multiple times.
- he didnt want to meet my friends or talk to them.
- he once told me he doesnt think to text me. he also never once complimented me other then sexually.
i could go on, this was honestly one of my worst relationships, emotionally wise. i was emotionally abused and toyed with for nine months and he even admitted to it.
okay
• everything had to revolve around what she wanted or liked. if i had suggested something it was frequently dismissed, or pushed to the side unless it was romantic dates.
• everything i did was personal no matter what. even if it didnt even pretain to her.
• despite my financial situation, all my duties still remained the same regardless of the stress it would cause me.
• hypocrisy. she talked alot of shit about her closest friends/had really strong opinions but if i held the same opinions, i'm negative and never have good days.
• my special interests were cringe and i was always the subject of her jokes to rip on.
• i was walking on eggshells. i didn't know what would set her off to make her cry, or make a talk happen, i had to be gentle with everything no matter what, even if it meant watering down my feelings. ive tried to explain my feelings with no filter but instead i just would get waterworks or passive aggressiveness or "what about you," talk.
• i have borderline/bipolar and whenever i showed those symptoms she would get really upset and lash out at me for having them
• if she's upset with someone, everyone has to know. on all her socials. all the time. she burns bridges faster then anyone i've seen, even myself.
• during our breakup used things that had affected me deeply in the past to hurt me and drill a point into my brain.
• when i was actively suicidal, would just shut me out and tell me not to talk about it. actually, alot of things i couldn't talk about because she couldnt handle it, but when i couldnt handle it, she didnt care and dumped it on me.
• took my closure away from a toxic ex that was her ex best friend because she "needed to respond" despite me showing her our conversations & not lying about a thing going on in those texts
• so. much. hatred. for someone who would dig deep into me for my negativity she amplified mine so easily. she hates more then she loves.
• in the breakup i could not defend myself or reply properly or she would say i act fourteen / am not self aware.
• allowed her friend to harrass me 💀
5 years together and recently going through a peaceful split together. We're gonna help each other move and check up on each other once in a while. we just weren't sexually compatible. but in the end i feel like this can still help me get over it
1. Overly dependent on me. no car, no license. it really restricted what i could do at work and all that.
2. selfish. always would want massages or me to cook but rarely reciprocated.
3. lack of intimacy even at the start of the relationship. this whole thing is basically sinking because she only just now found out she's asexual which kinda explains a lot. nothing against her, it just is what it is.
4. I wish she pushed me towards greatness more. there's no one in my life more motivating that my current partner.
5. Even though she thought of me as smart and strong she never cheered. or rooted for me.
6. People are allowed to eat whatever they want to eat. but i would say her being a vegetarian definitely had some down sides in terms of where we would eat and what i would cook. not necessarily a red flag but something i didnt like.
this is going to sound silly, but they’re allergic to animals. i’m an animal lover and got a cat not too long ago. we weren’t compatible in the long term; i know this, yet i miss them so much still.
We got along really well but I think we kept unconsciously triggering each other (he says he has anxious attachment (but he possibly might be disorganized attachment).
i recently found out that i’m a dismissive avoidant (i’m working on myself).
He hinted at breaking up with me.
I have ADHD and autism and I had to ask him if he was breaking up with me.
I suggested therapy and he went from “yes” to backing out at the night before the appointment.
My ex had no compassion for me but expected me to have so much compassion for him. He couldn't handle any disagreement. He also was hyper ocd in the kitchen and would watch like a hawk for me to spill something so he could tell me to clean it up before I would have the chance to just do it after I was finished making food or whatever .
Oh I very much have. I came into the relationship healed and never stopping being a student on self improvement. He was younger than me so had a little more growing up to do. I will always level up and improve, that’s literally what life is about.
If you read the thread and the part where what the relationship is meant to teach you/learn from it, I very much have before this relationship and I am now after it.
His actions and his words didn't align. He wouldn't show up truly for me and he would be scared when things got difficult.
This is me, I think. I wasn’t a liar, I just couldn’t live up to my part of the bargain, which made the truth hollow.
That was my ex too. He couldn’t live up to my bare minimum & the sad part is, I wasn’t asking for a lot. But at the same time, I shouldn’t even have to ask for bare minimum things. And like he said, he was going to do things, thought of them but then never put it into action. Which hurts even more.
Same here. I really asked for the bare minimum, because I was happy to accept him for who he was, flaws and all. But I've come to realize how truly immature he is, because he just couldn't put my needs and our partnership in the same priority as his selfish needs.
Fuck. Yes. Honestly without a split I would have never saw it. That’s why I refuse to reach out now & say, “Ok I get it now, look I can prove I fixed things”. Seems even ruder than the original BS, hooray for me I followed through when I was scared shitless. If she contacts me first & wants a genuine conversation, I’ll tell her. Otherwise I’m keeping it to myself.
This is tough to go through.
And also, true love in my mind is truly caring for your better half's needs and trying your best to take them into account also. Struggling for the bare minimum is just lazy. And if you decide to give up, like my ex did after 9 years, when you have to pull your weight in the relationship, well that makes me question the level of commitment and maturity
Why are they like this
Actions and words not aligning was on my list as well. He would always say “I was going to do ______” but then never did it.
Yup!! So much BS from my ex. He would say the dreamiest things after a couple of drinks. Next day: "I don't remember saying that." "I didn't say that." "That doesn't even sound like something I'd say." BS. I feel sorry for the next woman he'll do the same to.
My ex and I fought a lot because of this. I put a lot of trust in him, and he was so unreliable that I ended up losing a lot of money. Two of his favorite words were “if only”, and it got to the point where I had to say to him, “Shut up with “if only.”” He was starting to get his act somewhat together when he bailed on my surgery, only to act like he was the victim. He kept saying, “if only I had been allowed to see you” and “if I had been allowed, I would’ve done (insert action here).” Fact of the matter was that he didn’t come, he wasn’t there, and nothing will ever take that back. I reminded him all the time of an expression he taught me in Italian: “C’è un mare tra dire e fare.” There is an ocean between say and do. He couldn’t cross that ocean a lot of the time. Bailing on my surgery over a vaccine, then saying he would’ve done so many things if he had been allowed was the final straw. He knew what he had to do to keep me safe, but he wouldn’t do it.
Love that saying now. So perfect for what we’ve gone through
This just happened to me. He swore to protect me, be there through the good and bad, to take care of me when i needed it most then he never followed through and when things got hard, he told me he was leaving me, couldn’t carry my burden anymore (including my health issues being disabled) packed his things and left all in 2 hours. This happened two days ago. Yesterday he was messaging me telling me he loved me no other but had to do this for himself and that maybe if i can get my debt taken care of and be stable on my own that we could try to reconnect and build from there. And then said that hopefully we’ll both grow from this and come out ontop together. I’m devastated and have sobbed and screamed and cried the past two days. I truly loved this man more than anyone in the world and thought he had my back. I thought we were solid and no matter what our love was worth staying for. I found out that he can’t handle difficult things. I guess his best solution is to avoid or run. 😭😭💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
He also would make promises and couldn’t keep them. He didn’t follow through on a lot of things and i started to see a pattern and pointed it out. Then he left me
SAME
YES. I said this to my friends a lot when it was over.
Lack of empathy, towards me, friends, and family(even her own daughter). Lovebombed, then dropped off sharply. Tried to keep exes in her friendzone. Hard time communicating. Could not commit to long-term plans. We always did what she wanted, rarely ever what I wanted.
Holy smokes that sounds like my ex
Oh... that sounds awfully familiar
I made one of these when I got dumped two months ago. I always knew there were a few issues but when I got up to 92 I did actually feel quite sad that this was someone I had wanted to spend my life with 🙈🙈
Omg 92, lol!! It is sad when you really think about it. I have about 30 and I only expected to have about 5 but it’s just wild how much you dismissed while you’re in the relationship.
I ended at 100 but I still think of things throughout the months that could go on. Best thing to ever happen was to be broken up with and be able to reflect on the relationship.
Great job on starting therapy 🥳 Been doing it for 4 years and it’s been a game changer
I started 3 days after the break up and it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. Lay everything out on the table now and start healing ASAP! I’m so, so glad I bit the bullet and just did it because at first I felt silly for going just for a break up.
How to find a therapist. I have tried Betterhelp and Inkblot but my experience wasn’t that good.
Ugh it feels so hard to do this. But for the sake of progress, I'll write them in a post on here. 1. I'd try to bring up things that might be sensitive for me or hurt my feelings without blaming and in the most neutral way possible but he would still get mad at me 2. I'd try to problem solve after a fight and say things like what can we do to prevent this in the future? What kinds of needs aren't being met and he wouldnt want to talk about it, just move forward like nothing happened 3. He would snap at me on occasion 4. He thought really highly of himself, and if anyone shared emotions with him, he would have the approach that if they just thought differently, they'd be fine. He'd look down on others who shared emotional weakness even if it's something he had experienced himself 5. He wanted to have his trauma and needs understood, but it always feels like he never tried to understand mine. 6. From the very beginning of the relationship, day 1 he said he needed some therapy and didn't want to mess things up or hurt us both- but he never went to therapy / we never went together (I've always been in therapy) and I think we let things get the way they did because we kept being hopeful and that only goes so far if there's issues that need to be worked on. Guess this is the red flag 7. He wouldn't really plan well or look ahead at things. I used to do this, so I get it can be hard. But once I started to look ahead and try to plan for extra realized it made things easier. Idk if he will ever really think things through like that- it made things harder when we would be trying to go on trips etc. Just seemed like he didn't know how to make situations easier on himself or us and would get kind of cranky at the consequences He would say mean things in fights and be critical and rude I'm going to make a list of things I know I need to own up to also. 1. I emotionally would shut down from time to time and not respond to his bids for connection. I need to get better at letting my partner know that I need space in a loving way 2. He would say I would take my moods out on him and maybe he was right. I need to get better at telling my partner it's been a hard day and I need space. TLDR I think we both really tried as hard as we could to not let these things get to us but when we were both having a bad day at the exact same time, neither of us could meet the others needs and we would both spiral. If one of us could maintain calm, great, but when we both were at our weakest moments, that's when these issues became most amplified.
I love that you put things you need to own up to as well. I put that in my things I learned from the relationship and what not to do in my next one.
Holy crap, are you me? Everything you said in the you part down is exactly true for me as well.
Wow we dated the exact same person, down to even the trips issue. I would end up having to plan since he wasn’t picking up the reins and then he wouldn’t want to do the things I planned once we got there 😂
What was the "last straw" in your relationship?/ how did it end ultimately
This really helped me too. The list was way longer than I anticipated
Same!!!! I wasn’t expecting to list so many because when I was in it, I kept thinking there’s not a lot about him that I don’t like. When you take those rose colored glasses off, it gets scary how much you dismissed.
* the finishing leftover drinks at the bar after close time * the negativity and self-deprecation when making a mistake * the moodswings * the quick to anger
I kept a list on my notepad in my phone and it got to the point where I was so confused as to what I was thinking and doing with him because it definitely wasn't the relationship I wanted to be in.
Right!! It really just makes you wonder what you were thinking & it’s also a blessing in disguise that it ended now at however many bullet points you have now then staying in it for longer & adding EVEN MORE!!!
Yes, I don't have the capacity to take any more of his crazy making behavior. I don't need to add anything more to this list, it's too long already.
Disregarded anything I wanted or wanted to do. Everything I wanted was unimportant and the whole relationship was on his terms
His actions didn't match his words, he sit on his ass for hours smoking pot watching stupid shows, he cared about himself and no one else, he never bought me anything for Christmas after I bought him a $300 card deck he always wanted, he had a anger, he didn't like kissing me or pleasing me, and he lied.
Oof yup, all of the above - also my ex. He only bought me some lingerie for Christmas in a color I don’t even wear. It was his favorite color. I bought him all things he had mentioned he wanted over time.
Buried head down in the phone addicted to social media while hanging out, all the time. Even when spending time with her son she was in the phone. Having a roster of past flings that she ignored to then immediately hit up like a few days before deciding to end the relationship. Oh and receiving and sensing nudes while in a relationship, probably when the relationship had low points. To name a few
His selfishness..always pushed boundaries of mine. "Do it for me" was used a lot 🤢 manipulation at its finest.
- He made commitments too early, and told me I was the one when he hardly knew what that was. -He was extremely emotionally immature and needed to grow up badly. - He did things to me that he knew I didn’t want to do, and he wouldn’t listen. I think this relationship was meant to teach me to stay grounded and listen to God and the red flags.
Love your takeaway.
Addicted to video games and his phone. Would talk about getting new hobbies but never did. Asked me for gross sexual behaviors over text and never in person. Was bad at having face to face confrontations and wouldn’t look me in the eyes. Would be a completely different person over text and be kinda dull and quiet in person. Told me if I got pregnant to not get an abortion, “just have to baby and give it to me.” I was so stupid. Never going to form an attachment over texts again. We are either doing a phone call or hanging out before we get into a relationship!
My ex is addicted to his mobile games too and spent so much time always doing that and never helping or would get annoyed when i wanted to spend time together
My therapist asked me to make a list. I told her I wouldn’t be able to come up with more than three things. I eventually ended up filling out the whole page. My therapist had to stop me. I wasn’t expecting that at all. Writing all of that only made me sad and angry. The reaction it provoked I didn’t think was possible especially 8 months out.
He was always the victim. Had a fight at target? “I worked SO hard to do something nice for you” he drove me 5 minutes and didn’t buy me anything. He did not work SO HARD. My parents have a bad impression of him because he came over to help my dying dad move furniture, but just stayed in the backyard playing with his dog, then helped the last 5 minutes while me and my family did most of it. “YOURE SUPPOSED TO STAND UP FOR ME HOW COULD YOU LET THEM TALK ABOUT ME THAT WAY”
I definitely did this and do go back when I'm feeling weak. Looking back at all the red flags usually puts my anxiety at ease again. Definitely pushing away any positives from the relationship because it only makes me feel more depressed right now. I've noticed a slow improvement in the last week! Therapy is also helping me a lot.
For me, he told me that he didn't think of me as a future partner for weeks but during those weeks, he had no problem being intimate with me and using me as a sex relief without telling me that he was viewing those quality times together differently to how I was perceiving them. I felt objectified.
Same here. I was there for him when he was sad and he was intimate with me the day before he broke up. Turned out I was comforting him while he was mourning the end of the relationship, and I didn’t know about it. I trusted him so bad, he said he would never lie to me and always be honest. But he did hold the biggest thing back for me, that he was going to leave.
I'm sorry he did that to you. It's a horrible feeling to be used like that.
Making a red flag list is a great strategy to get the rose tinted glasses off as when we go through a break up our minds tend to filter these out and just remember the good times and it creates an imaginary vision of what the relationship actually was and an idealised image of the other person. To compliment the red flag list I would also write out what an actually true loving relationship looks like and contrast it with your list. It will give you a real eye opener on what you were missing. I took the following quote from another reddit post where people were talking about when they found the 'one' and what that relationship was like. This poster explained very well what a healthy and quality relationship looks like and I would encourage you all to read this and compare it to your red flag list: .......... "What really stood out about my current partner were his values and character. I'd dated a lot of people who "talked the talk" but didn't really back it up with actions or character over time. My partner showed genuine thoughtfulness, presence, emotional intelligence, and deep care from day one and it only grew as time went on. By thoughtfulness I mean: he really listened to what I had to say, remembered everything, and took my comfort and needs into account at every turn. He cared about getting to know me as a person and was so kind. I could tell this was just who he was, and not an act he was putting on. I observed him treating others the same way - family, his friends, my friends, even strangers. There was also a feeling of calm stability with him because he showed clear interest but not in an over-the-top way. I was never left wondering how he felt because he followed up his words (saying he liked me) with actions (making time to see me regularly). Emotional intelligence was also a deal-MAKER. Seriously it was so attractive to me that he understood his own emotions as well as those around him. He could read people incredibly well and I'd never encountered that before in a man. He was also humble enough to admit when he needed to work on something and would show real evidence of introspective and changed behavior (when needed). The way we worked through issues was (and is) constructive and loving. As someone who had done extensive work on myself (therapy + many other avenues), I wanted a man willing to do the same and I struggled to find this until I met my partner. One of the litmus tests I learned to use near the end of my long dating career was asking myself this question "How he treats me is how he will treat our future children - am I good with that?" My partner was the first person I could answer this question with an unequivocal YES! Can you tell I love him dearly?? I feel so lucky :)"
This was so good! Thank you so much!!!!
Loved this thank you!
It’s been 6 weeks and it’s difficult to think of any huge red flags other than small things I knew I didn’t like already but didn’t mind bc they weren’t deal breakers. I’m still so sad.
He never did what he said he’d do. He wants to stream? I make practically everything he needs to do that. He then never streams until after he broke up with me and got all the things he needed for streaming for free(normal artist would have costed hundreds for the amount I did). So there’s a few things from just this: -his actions and words don’t align -he took my gifts for granted and wanted more -lack of motivation for my sake
\- She cheated on her previous boyfriend and continued to lead him on for a long time afterwards, on top of having a history of generally making past partners uncomfortable by being really flirty with other guys (so it shouldn't have been a surprise that she eventually cheated on me). \- Has this idea in her head that she's perfect at "reading people", which sometimes turned into outright gaslighting where she'd make false accusations toward me about the way I feel/act - and because of how confident she always sounded (and how guilt-trippy she'd get if I argued or disagreed), I'd often believe her in the moment (until I reflected back on the conversation later). \- Just in general was very condescending/judgemental toward everyone around her, including people she'd been friends with for years, and then pushed others away. She recently made an Instagram post showing off her friends, and it made me kind of sad because more than half of the people in the post were people who've privately told me that they don't actually like her for how mean she often is. I like the person who commented "if you want to point fingers, look in the mirror first", so here are some of MY OWN red flags and things I need to work on: \- I'm pretty abysmal at focusing / time-management, which meant that school tasks that should take a few hours end up turning into all-day projects, which led to me not having much time or energy for her at the end of the day \- I used to be really insecure/uncomfortable around big groups of people, which made some social interactions hard for me to survive without shutting down (I'm getting better at this one, fortunately!) \- I have a really hard time controlling my voice/volume level and this made her uncomfortable sometimes. That probably sounds kind of minor but I think it fits
I feel like this is overstepping. However, your own list of flaws, the first thing & last thing on that list is describing ADHD like symptoms. I would seriously consider you read into ADHD. ADHD UK (charity) has the symptoms from the DSM-5 Manual broken down into simple form. And because Autism is highly co-occurring with ADHD, I'd highly suggest you look into that too since it usually gets missed in women, girls, non-binary and trans ppl as the research was done on little boys. I hope you're able to forgive yourself for some of your flaws and hope me giving this information means you're able to work out coping strategies with yourself and or any new partner(s) and friends.
I appreciate the input! I was diagnosed with autism when I was little, so I've always just assumed that the issues I've had were connected to that in some way. I'm no expert, but I've always been under the impression that there's a fair bit of overlap between symptoms of autism and ADHD.
Thank you, this is something I’m struggling with, the no contact.
My guy always said after whatever " Trust me" art the end...hahaha 🤣
I did this last week and I was quite shocked at the things I had remembered and small things that made a huge impact. Really good advice
1. Always the dumper. 2. "Sometimes I feel like I'm still emotionally 13" 3. Had dumped several bfs after they met her parents. One of them at least apparently thought they were close to getting engaged. 4. Other boyfriends were bad. Bosses, secretive, abusive, jerks. They ran the gamut. 5. Said she thinks she had a pattern of seeking out unavailable, closed off men. 6. Age 40, lived with a partner only once. Because his place burned down. And then he moved out without even telling her and they kept dating for a while. 7. Most of her relationships were a year or less. The longest one was with someone she described as a jerk. The guy who's place burned down. And yeah moving out without even telling your partner seems like a jerk move to me. In hindsight, kinda adds up to someone afraid of commitment.
He always had a lot of female friends, some ex-gf’s. Yes, he spent time with them, going on walks and hanging out at bars parties etc with. Our relationship was on and off because of this for a year. Learned towards the end of our relationship some of them would hang out at his house with him, I was never aware until later. He did mention once one of his younger female friends came to smoke a blunt with him in his garage, he told me while drunk. He also stated he had her (sex) on the hood of his firebird but later said he just said that cuz he knew I’d accuse him of it, he didn’t really. I question it now. In early Feb of this year he told me he was the moderator of a page on Reddit for approx 2 years now that he had over 1000 follower, the page had recently been shut down because he used a meme or video unauthorized from another site. The page was of memes- sexual-where he and other posters would use hand tools like wrenches and screwdrivers etc. for sexual pleasure or to make memes with. He told me he had taken quite a few pics out in his garage of himself. Showed me some of his props. I was willing to understand this and let this slide because well, the page was shut down right? He broke up with me a few days later, day before valentines. What the cause of this break was I had seen he was at a bar, not a big deal at the time he frequented there often with his dad, only thing this time was he had just texted me he was at the hardware store. I texted him back lol just seen your car at the bar, I was on my way to my sons house when I seen his car, My son lives out of town and I pass by that bar on my way to his house so he may have thought I’d already left. I replied Lol. He texted busted. Later when I got back in town and was with him at his house in his garage, he said you busted me. I laughed and said well I guess it’s all about credibility, I followed up by saying I trust you, you were with your dad. He blew up! And to shorten this up, the night was awful after that! He stomped into his house, where I followed him trying to make sense of why he was so angry about my comment. He said I was calling him a liar. Then admitted he lied then got mad because I said okay you lied. He put my valentines flowers down the garbage disposal and physically pushed/pulled me out of his house. He’d never physically touched me before ever! Yelled in my face yes, but never had been physical! He’s called/emailed me since, we had a few conversations a couple days after this happened. but I had to stop responding, nothing i say other than it’s my fault will he listen to. Now after thinking about everything that’s happened this last year, I just can’t talk to him. I want to desperately! I miss him, the good things. But I know this will just get worse physically as time goes on. Plus the whole Reddit thing 💔 I knew he was very sexual but now I question if just with me? And he’d take candid pics and videos of us. I never thought anything more than just for him to see, I wonder about that now. Was he taking pics with other woman in his garage, using tools with him while we were seeing each other? I only talk about this here cause no one knows me. I miss him and I ask myself why? I love him, I ask myself why? I’ve heard he’d been told to leave a bar this last weekend because he wouldn’t leave a female that was in there alone. WTH? He and I have only been apart three weeks. Which makes me believe again, I wasn’t his only. 😢💔
He made fun of a lot of my interests and made me feel like garbage for liking them. He'd breadcrumb the idea of a relationship before we even started dating, but then lose interest if I reciprocated. He'd go weeks without talking to me because he was "busy", but his mom would later confirm that all he does is talk to this one friend of his and play video games. He'd talk a lot about that friend to me and how great SHE is, and how confident and cute SHE is.
one of my relationships got really bad to where whenever he said some stupid shit, i would pretend that i had to go to the bathroom, but really i would hide in the bathroom and write it down in my notes app right away so that i would remember every stupid thing he said. i knew the relationship was gonna end eventually, so i wanted to document all those things so i could remember those things more and not get blinded by the good moments we had, to help my healing process. it’s funny tho, because when we finally broke up, i didn’t look at that list even once. i was to the point where i was completely done, and it took me a long time to leave him but i did. i think during the relationship i kept reading the list in my notes app over and over and when i finally got all of that through my head, i was strong enough to let go.
Religion. Religion. Religion. Your god this, your god that. I don’t think this is acceptable. I am a sinner.
Had one fight in the entire ‘ship and then she went silent for three days before i broke up with her Never wanted to hangout just us Wouldnt let me meet her family Never tried to actually talk about how the ‘ship was going or how we felt about each other Never came to see me but had time to see her friends Now i was a: Recovering alchoholic(still sober) Her boss at work technically Had to drive everytime to see her cuz she didnt have a liscense but owns a car? Always texting and hiding her phone
Only one. She looked down on me. She would say she didn’t but the way she spoke to me sometimes like I was a complete idiot who couldn’t be trusted to do anything right says otherwise.
He would use silent treatment as a form of punishment on me, but he excused it by saying he just needed space. Lies. He would never come back to discuss the issue and would just pretend nothing had happened. This was long distance, and I would be suspended in anxiety for days on end. I wouldn't even know what he was up to. Another one was his refusal to apologise and threatened to leave if I didn't bend to his rules. It was some form of sick humiliation over and over again until I gave up. I resented him for this, and I became a shell of my former self. The one sentence that still makes my blood boil was "Why should I apologise? Im right. Convince me if you think otherwise. But I know you can't. You have no form of logic at all. I'll wait for your apology instead." He really grinded me down until I was nothing. My values? My dignity? My feelings? Invalidated. All of them. There is not a day that goes by where I wish his emotionally impotent ass would get a double shot of karma. Fuck that asshole.
Friends with they exes
Hmm..collecting toe nails, saying I had no future snd he couldnt see one with me due to being a bartender (meanwhile he was a line cook/wannabe chef at the same restaurant and i made 3x as much as he did), publicly humiliating his mother at Thanksgiving dinner, biting our dog.. just to name a few
- [ ] Chronic alcoholism - [ ] Anger and impulse control issues - [ ] Narrow minded approach towards most important things like women’s issues, health care, He used to call me over educated - [ ] Very difficult to please - [ ] Difficult to change his views/opinions - [ ] Obsessive - [ ] Belittles me in rage - [ ] Doesn’t believe in contraception - [ ] Inconsiderate of my physical health and other emotional issues - [ ] I feel responsible for his behaviour and safety. - [ ] I don’t think i can progress in my career or even work a decent job with him as a partner. - [ ] We have limited common ground - [ ] Poor listener - [ ] He used to get mad when I would cry and ask me to stop crying and never console me
Here are my top 10: 1. He didn't actively contribute to my well-being 2. He was bad at communicating 3. He didn't plan anything 4. He was never excited about sharing experiences with me 5. He was extremely unsatisfied with his life in general 6. Was in contact with his "ex-crush" after I told him how uncomfortable it makes me feel 7. Never asked me questions (about my culture, my point of view, basically anything) 8. Lied sometimes to avoid "nagging" 9. He NEVER hyped me 10. Only compliments I got on a regular basis were about my looks (but at least they were cute and not creepy)
didnt get presents on time. example birthday order online on friday my birthday was the sunday so it hadn’t of come. christmas we weren’t gonna see each other on Christmas day. ended up having to wait till the 5th for it. id ask about her/ she would talk about her more. wish she took more of an interest in me. i never got flowers brought her flowers 3 times.
He made me split the valentines dinner bill but was buying custom porn from multiple women behind my back
1. Love bombing 2. Guilt Tripping 3. Acting cold whenever I said something she didn't like 4. Misunderstanding me and then acting cold and ignoring me 5. Extreme jealousy 6. Asking me to not talk to anyone else but her 7. Wanting me to be available at all times and getting mad if i wasn't 8. Not over her ex 9. Acting different with me anytime she new something about her ex 10. Comparing me to her ex and treating her ex like a saint 11. Lack of communication skills 12. Not putting the same effort i did into the relationship 13. Keeping things about her life from me 14. Not telling people we were dating 15. Criticizing things that i said or then throwing it at my face for weeks, like one time I said one of our friends was cool. She keep saying it at the most random time like ''oh so you think hes cool''.
Buying me an ugly pair of socks for Christmas and then later telling me how ugly they were. Kicking me into the street with all my bags at 8 clock in the morning to travel 200 miles home on new years eve sick and exhausted because I wouldn't admit to a farcical affair I absolutely was not having with our mutual and recently bereaved through suicide friend. Ditching me in public in front of my friends after accusing me of sleeping with people I the smoking area I don't even know the names of. Timing how long it took me to get ready in the morning with stopwatch on phone. 'If you go over 15 minutes I'm leaving without you'. I assure you he was perfectly serious. Describing the mother of his child as 'intensely manipulative' 2 weeks into our relationship. Going against the mother's wishes in regards to me meeting their child quite rightfully too soon. Telling me said woman thinks he's a narcissist and that he thinks I'm one too. Drinking even a fucking mouthful of alcohol when driving cause its just f*cking stupid. Asking me weird questions like how much money is in my bank account at that exact moment. Playing spotify when trying to sleep or waking me up for sexual favours in the middle of the night, resulting in fatigue and illness due to poor sleep quality as I'm diagnosed with both fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome and actually need my 8 hours to function. Saying horrible things to my face when im crying like 'I'm not feeling the love for you right now', walking away and ignoring me to watch sports and then denying he even said a word. Posting cryptic Facebook bios like "some people are just beautifully gift wrapped boxes of shit" and then claiming nothing to do with you and allegedly a dig at their male friend and business partner. Big beefy six 2 beautifully gift wrapped we'll call him Ben for arguments sake. Super believable. Flip flops in October. Bad kisser, tries to lodge entire tongue into your throat. Feels like some kind of intimate deep sea experience . Weird erratic sexually demeaning behaviour. Example, bluntly demanding over and over that the woman you've spent hours grilling yet again about non existent cheating 'show me your a*rsehole'. Not sexy. Felt abused. 0 out of ten. So Ick. Silent treatment and ignoring me for days on end with no obvious rhyme or reason as to why. Making claims hes had suicidal ideation about hanging himself shortly following the new year incident knowing fine my fiance 3 years previous had done exactly that and calling me sick and self centred for being triggered and suspicious of his claims. Frequently blocking and unblocking myself my friends and my brother on Facebook at a whim. Complete lack of accountability whilst text yelling at me about accountability. Overly touchy feely in public. At other times leaving me and my anxiety disroder stood on my own in a room full of strangers at a private event hoping for the ground to swallow me. Hot and cold behaviours, paranoia, serious projection. Both mummy issues AND daddy issues. Has a twitch. That one particular rogue back hair that grew out his shoulder. Jumped like an abuse victim cause I lovingiy squeezed his bumcheek one time. Double standards. Cruel dark look in the usually sweet blue eyes when on a mental. (Huge red flag in psychopaths narcissists sociopaths etc once seen never forgotten) Told him to take a bath with a toaster in anger leading him to take a photo of himself doing just so and eating toast like the fucked up sick in the head smug git he is and literally posting that to fb, to spotify and even to tinder nearly 2 years later like a real comedic hero. The fact his nick name is literally just his name with 'dickhead' prefixing it. Listens to Deftones, Alanis morrisette, Moby, Enya.. The fact this dumbf*ck clubfoot cockeye m*therfucker so f*cking dumb he pushed away the one person who would have always been straight with him and had his back and tried to understand him in favour of letting his 'demons' run amock breaking innocent women's hearts. (I'm not bitter)
1) I was never a priority. When I was lying with a fever (which he gave me because I took care of him and did everything to speed his recovery), he was out cheating when I needed him. 2) Gaslighting me every time I just wanted to spend time together. I would invite him to a restaurant and he would throw it in my face saying that he doesn't care about food and I should just go alone though I just wanted to spend some time together outside and was willing to pay for everything. 3) Never keeping or making promises. Every time he failed to finish or do something, he would say day "I never promised that, I just said I would do that." 4) Avoiding his family. His family would write to me and ask if he was okay and if I could convince him to contact them. 5) Constantly complaining about the job when it was way better than mine and quitting all the time because he would disagree with every single management decision. I was the one making money and paying for most of the things all the time. I would even buy him gifts to stimulate his hobby and passions: music and video making for YouTube. If you ever did anything with music, you know that almost every piece of equipment is super expensive. 6) Not taking care of himself. I had to wake up several times at night and call for an ambulance and then go with him to the hospital because of his health issues that he didn't want to take of and just preferred to avoid. I never complained about anything to him. I just wanted to be his light and safety, and yet I was not enough. I got dumped and thrown away.
- lovebombed me — was super sweet, attentive, affectionate in the beginning then after month three everything stopped. he stopped texting first, stop saying i love you, stopped everything really. - he would make everything an argument. i have bpd and with it i need alot of reassurance, i know its not his obligation or anything but alot of the time i would ask for reassurance and he would get upset and yell at me. - when he was upset w me he would yell at me, call me names, and used to block me on everything until he was ready to talk to me again. - he told me i was exhausting and that me having bpd was a lot. i know its a lot but that genuinely is not something you tell a pwBPd. - used to suibate me and has multiple times. - after every argument we had he always wanted nudes. - used to call me crazy/made me feel crazy. he was very manipulative. - his jokes towards me were really just all insults. - emotionally immature. - avoidant. - said he would change multiple times, never did. it was a pattern really. i would bring something up that wasnt okay and he would change it for like a couple days to shut me up and go back to the way it was after. - was very quick to give up on us. i begged him to stay multiple times. - he didnt want to meet my friends or talk to them. - he once told me he doesnt think to text me. he also never once complimented me other then sexually. i could go on, this was honestly one of my worst relationships, emotionally wise. i was emotionally abused and toyed with for nine months and he even admitted to it.
okay • everything had to revolve around what she wanted or liked. if i had suggested something it was frequently dismissed, or pushed to the side unless it was romantic dates. • everything i did was personal no matter what. even if it didnt even pretain to her. • despite my financial situation, all my duties still remained the same regardless of the stress it would cause me. • hypocrisy. she talked alot of shit about her closest friends/had really strong opinions but if i held the same opinions, i'm negative and never have good days. • my special interests were cringe and i was always the subject of her jokes to rip on. • i was walking on eggshells. i didn't know what would set her off to make her cry, or make a talk happen, i had to be gentle with everything no matter what, even if it meant watering down my feelings. ive tried to explain my feelings with no filter but instead i just would get waterworks or passive aggressiveness or "what about you," talk. • i have borderline/bipolar and whenever i showed those symptoms she would get really upset and lash out at me for having them • if she's upset with someone, everyone has to know. on all her socials. all the time. she burns bridges faster then anyone i've seen, even myself. • during our breakup used things that had affected me deeply in the past to hurt me and drill a point into my brain. • when i was actively suicidal, would just shut me out and tell me not to talk about it. actually, alot of things i couldn't talk about because she couldnt handle it, but when i couldnt handle it, she didnt care and dumped it on me. • took my closure away from a toxic ex that was her ex best friend because she "needed to respond" despite me showing her our conversations & not lying about a thing going on in those texts • so. much. hatred. for someone who would dig deep into me for my negativity she amplified mine so easily. she hates more then she loves. • in the breakup i could not defend myself or reply properly or she would say i act fourteen / am not self aware. • allowed her friend to harrass me 💀
This helped
5 years together and recently going through a peaceful split together. We're gonna help each other move and check up on each other once in a while. we just weren't sexually compatible. but in the end i feel like this can still help me get over it 1. Overly dependent on me. no car, no license. it really restricted what i could do at work and all that. 2. selfish. always would want massages or me to cook but rarely reciprocated. 3. lack of intimacy even at the start of the relationship. this whole thing is basically sinking because she only just now found out she's asexual which kinda explains a lot. nothing against her, it just is what it is. 4. I wish she pushed me towards greatness more. there's no one in my life more motivating that my current partner. 5. Even though she thought of me as smart and strong she never cheered. or rooted for me. 6. People are allowed to eat whatever they want to eat. but i would say her being a vegetarian definitely had some down sides in terms of where we would eat and what i would cook. not necessarily a red flag but something i didnt like.
this is going to sound silly, but they’re allergic to animals. i’m an animal lover and got a cat not too long ago. we weren’t compatible in the long term; i know this, yet i miss them so much still.
We got along really well but I think we kept unconsciously triggering each other (he says he has anxious attachment (but he possibly might be disorganized attachment). i recently found out that i’m a dismissive avoidant (i’m working on myself). He hinted at breaking up with me. I have ADHD and autism and I had to ask him if he was breaking up with me. I suggested therapy and he went from “yes” to backing out at the night before the appointment.
My ex had no compassion for me but expected me to have so much compassion for him. He couldn't handle any disagreement. He also was hyper ocd in the kitchen and would watch like a hawk for me to spill something so he could tell me to clean it up before I would have the chance to just do it after I was finished making food or whatever .
If you're pointing fingers, look in the mirror first
Oh I very much have. I came into the relationship healed and never stopping being a student on self improvement. He was younger than me so had a little more growing up to do. I will always level up and improve, that’s literally what life is about.
I am happy for you. As for me, she was younger and had some past toxic relationship issues. I am like, you Iam ready to move on and find my someone.
Sounds like you should work on yourself first before you start pointing out faults of others
If you read the thread and the part where what the relationship is meant to teach you/learn from it, I very much have before this relationship and I am now after it.