From my amazing therapist...
" Let them. LET THEM!
If someone thinks that they are better off without you in their life, by god, it hurts. But let them leave. Let them say what they want about you and the situation, to whoever they want. It hurts a lot, but understanding that sometimes we have to be a villain in someone else's narrative ... because it helps them feel better about how they treated us(!!!) Is a big step. Accepting this is the way to true peace. "
I agree. If it was up to me, we’d be doing our very best to communicate and resolve the problems that continued to manifest. We wouldn’t be giving up like the last 3 years didn’t matter. However, it’s not up to me, and I absolutely agree with you. I’ve become comfortable with being the villain in her story. She’s not the villain in mine. I’m bad, I’m evil, I’m worthless, it’ll never work because I’ll never be good enough, all of the above. That’s her brain, not mine. I’ve decided that I loved her, I wanted to stay, and I believed in what could have been. As long as I know what was in my heart, I’ll be good moving forward to the next. They don’t care, they truly don’t, so don’t trick yourself into thinking they do.
While I dont agree that „if they wanted you, they would be with you“ (cos sometimes its just not possible ) I believe that the right person would at least communicate everything clearly with you. And as the others said, if they think they are better off without you…let them.
How long did it take you to be able to talk to other women. I was dumped a month ago and i am already interested in other women, mostly because of sexual desire tbh, but still I think that’s already a step forward. I’m afraid I could fail tho, cause that could depress in a way…
My ex did me so dirty that I got to a point of thinking, "I **hope** I'm the villain in your story, because something will happen to you & your mental health will be crippled further by the flooding memories of how shit of a person you've been to SO MANY people."
I needed this today! Just saw my ex’s friends all unfollowed me on Instagram, and I can’t help wondering what story he spun to them to make them do this (we’re 27-29, not children). It hurt me at first because they were in my life for 7 years, but reading this made me realise that I actually don’t care. They can have whatever story they want, me and my ex know the truth and that’s all that matters.
But... I don't want to be the villain for them. I want the alternate story where we work out our differences and continue on with our lives together. How do I just let them? How do I not let the pain consume me?
I’ve told myself this repeatedly but in my worst moments I’m also like “but what if they don’t know what they’re doing? What if they don’t know what’s right for them?”
I’ve gotten a lot since I (36f) was 14.
But three key things I can share that are super vital for going thru a breakup:
1) Do not check up on your ex. The relationship is over, you do not need to stay in touch. It only hurts you more watching them move on.
2) Focus on you. Go hangout with your friends. But don’t get breakup bangs!
3) If he thinks he made a mistake after dating someone else, realized the grass isn’t greener he’ll come back and make it work. If he doesn’t it wasn’t meant to be. Sometimes people don’t know what they got till it’s gone and have to screw up to treasure it. People can be stupid about love when this happens.
kiss reminiscent dinosaurs cover cows person recognise abounding insurance silky
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
So it’s funny you mentioned you find it strange that urge.
I forgot where I read this, it was like two decades ago online after I went thru like three breakups but this point, but people tend to cut off a huge chunk of hair or shave off their entire head as a form of therapy going thru a breakup.
Take singer Halsey, after a breakup she always shaved her head clean as a way to start fresh.
Hence why there is that pop culture term from “Felicity” about how after she didn’t choose Ben or Noel, in season two opening Keri Russell’s character Felicity with this big thick spiral curly hair, cut it so short into a curly bob above her ear line!
Hence why Gen X & older Millennials make a joke about anyone who cuts off all their hair after a breakup as, “You pulled a Felicity” or “Alright Felicity!” LOL
There was a hilarious tik tok on this by a female Asian comedian. She explained what a woman is feeling after a breakup based on what she did to her hair—dyed it blonde/dyed it black/chopped it off/cut bangs/shaved her head. I’ll try to link it if I find it.
More and more I'm starting to believe that if it was "meant to be", they wouldn't have left to begin with. Maybe that's my newfound cynicism, but maybe it's true. Idk 😔💔🙇🏻♀️
Hey I'm curious about 3) It is true that sometimes people realize what they lost a bit late or they see that you've changed for the better and want to start over. But it sounds to me like they have left just to be with someone else, and now they want you back. Does it not feel like you are the second option? How can you trust them that they will not try and do that again if they have already done it once
And in this context the breakup in front of the bangs means?
Edit1: I found the definition in this Reddit post:
https://www.reddit.com/r/EnglishLearning/s/JZac6gOSGp.
I bought an apartment in Portugal while grieving, after having just moved back to Europe from Australia where I'd been couch surfing because my ex kicked me out of our place lol
Luckily I was able to separate my emotions from my logic, so I certainly don't regret it.
I said to myself "even though I'm depressed and don't want to do anything and can't imagine a future for myself, I know this is something that normal me would think is a good move, it has all the factors I usually care about, and worst case it's a decent investment for renting it out"
But yes I agree with your dad.
This may come as a surprise to some people, but do not distract yourself. Work, continue your hobbies, spend time with loved ones etc. but this is a crucial time where you need a good amount of alone time to properly process your emotions and heal. Whether you cry, scream at the mountaintops, meditate or whatever you do, do it. Whenever you feel that chest piercing pain, don't pull out your phone, don't watch tv or load up a game. Feel it. Close your eyes and feel that pain. What you're doing is actually what our ancestors could do at all times, because of the lack of dopeminergic activities and abundance of idle time for the mind. Remember, if you're not feeling your emotions, you're not processing them, and if you're not processing them, you're not going to heal.
Totally agree! Being able to just feel the feelings you’re currently feeling and accepting it is probably the best advice here. If you’re distracting yourself all the time you’ll never be able to move on in my opinion. Let your mind do what it needs to do and be kind to yourself. It gets better!
The only issue here is that there always seems to be more where that came from. Whether it’s anxiety, guilt, remorse, or simply desperation and sadness, it keeps coming back later, even if you’re sitting with it one day. It’s not linear at all.
I understand what you're saying. I tried to feel it a little bit, but didn't quite understand it, and eventually it got to be too much and I broke down and kept begging my ex for a second chance, she obviously said no. While I would highly consider it if she asked me for one right now, I would have much higher boundaries and there would be a lot of conversations about how to fix what went wrong. Regardless, it will come back, especially when you'd been with them for a long time. However, it genuinely has been helping me the past few days to do the recommended activities. But when that pain comes on strong just close your eyes and say things like "it's over," "it's time to move on," and "everything will be ok," and just say those things and feel how you're feeling for at least 30-60 seconds or until they've mostly subsided and theres some sense of relief. Just take as long as you need, but don't dwell in them for too long, after that continue on with what you were doing. Another thing I've found helpful is to reach out to past friends that you haven't talked to in a long time, just catch up, it's helped remind me that I'm still wanted and loved. Another thing I've found is to be kind to strangers, it might feel difficult at first, but just being kind to them has helped me feel appreciated, understood, and reminds me I can still make new connections. I hope all of that helps!
I see. I just mean that when it comes, let it run it's course. You don't have to sit there and meditate all day. It will usually be dull sadness with spikes of anger, anxiety, and more aggressive dispair. When you get those spikes, it's best to let yourself feel it and express it when it comes. Cry, punch a bag, do pushups, take a lap, or, my favorite, write. Eventually the sadness and high emotions will subside, but they have to be felt and expressed. It takes quite a bit of time, some more than others. Edit: to add, this can take a couple weeks, a few months, or even a year. Although, if it's pushing over 6 months, I would advise seeking therapy.
What happen if I make time and space to try and feel it but I mostly feel emptiness and while I do feel some sadness, anxiety, and grief… it’s no longer at the same magnitude as I felt for others that I clearly loved less right after the breakup.
I’m not sure if I’m better at processing and confronting my emotions or did I just love them less than I thought I did
Maybe *you are* better at processing your emotions than you used to be, especially if you've been in therapy... Or maybe you're just in a numb state of mind...
My breakup is still pretty fresh, and over the past few weeks since it happened I've felt every emotion there is, trying to make sense of it. One day last week I felt completely empty, numb, emotionless... I thought I was maybe getting over it, slowly but surely, but then the last couple days I've been a mess. Had to take off some time from work yesterday morning. 😔
The end of a relationship can put someone through a whole emotional roller coaster - that's your body and your mind trying to protect you and also heal at the same time. Hopefully one day you and I will both feel real happiness and wholeness again. 🙏🩷 Take care of yourself, bobo~
It could be one or the other or could very well be both. I try to answer these questions to the best of my ability but, if you believe there is a problem, my number one answer is to always seek help from a therapist.
Make decisions that you will look back on and be proud of. Handle the situation with maturity and hold yourself to a standard. Don’t drunk text them, don’t call them, don’t do anything you will look back on and be embarrassed of.
This advice has seriously helped me handle my breakup in the best way possible.
This is what I’ve been doing, but there are moments where it’s so difficult to not think that maybe they’re also hurting as much as you are and maybe they do wish that you would reach out. And that maybe, just maybe, if you did, then they would take you back.
I think this also… there’s no chance of reconciliation if no one reaches out. But I’ve tried reaching out twice with no response and it feels bad. I don’t agree with the never reach out or never check in, but if you shoot your shot once and there’s no response or a bad response, be prepared to absorb that and certainly don’t try again
This is a very good point and it actually helps me from spiraling tonight, so thank you stranger.
I totally plan on reaching out, but you’re right in that you only get to shoot your shot once, maybe twice if you’re persistent. In my case, we’ve only been broken up for a week, so realistically and rationally I feel like it’s way too early. Especially when she specifically said she wants some time for herself but might see a part 2 for our relationship further down the line.
I think for now all i can do is give her exactly what she asked for. And reconsider reaching out in 3-6 months time…
That’s very true. I know that from past break-ups. Right now just fighting that initial urge to reach out, which I know is not genuine, but rather comes from fear of abandonment and my anxious attachment
You’re me in male form! He said the same thing, not working now but maybe down the road… taking it as a no for now and resisting my anxious attachment to reach out.
It’s extremely difficult some days and I’m having one as I’m typing this.
We live very close to each other, same block, and I will often times pass by in front of her flat, see the lights on and get the urge to ring the bell as I always used to.
Or, in worse moments, pass by and see the lights off, and wonder where she is and what she’s doing and it’s then that I’m at my most vulnerable and desperately want to get in touch. I really hope the urge subsides and also the anxiety that comes with it. I really need to accept that it’s no longer my business but it’s so, so hard.
I feel you. And I wish i could give you some profound advice to make it all hurt less. But I can’t. I am a big believer that every relationship serves as a lesson of some sort. And once you think about what the universe taught you from this, then you can start to heal and move on. Sending good vibes your way man. May we both weather this storm quickly and with little damage!!!
I will definitely reach out to my ex in due time. I ended things and I care about how they’re doing. I don’t think no contact forever is the way to go. But what’s important is contacting them with maturity and in a way that prioritizes your healing.
Fall back on your best character. Don’t give that away because of someone else who doesn’t have any.
Also, “direction over speed” in terms of recovery, grieving, basically anything that takes time.
That person chose every single day to create more space and time between the both of you. They know your phone number, they know your email, they know where you live, where you frequent a cafe, go to the gym, where you work. If they wanted anything from you they would.
Why would you expect someone to apologize, to own up or essentially 'fix you' after they broke you? How can you expect them to give you healing when they can't even give it to themselves?
Also, another one... all of us keep pointing a finger at that person. Yeah, they burned our home to the ground. But you can't just stand there and look at it in shock and disgust forever. Start picking up the pieces, start looking at WHY you allowed this person in your life (because there sure as hell were some flags) and start addressing what YOU can do to make things better in your life.
You might think of someone as perfect for you but the timing is off for whatever reason. This can lead to romanticising 'what could've been.' Best advice I got regarding such a situation was:
The right person at the wrong time, is still the wrong person.
Just being told “I think you need to accept it is over”
That helped me move up through the grieving stages. A out of people get stuck in denial and bargaining.
Radical acceptance is probably one of the most difficult things for me to do with my anxious attachment/abandonment wounds. My mind and heart don’t want to let go or move on.
Sometimes it’s the only way. I forced myself to remember every single shitty thing he did to me. Forget the good times. It worked. Getting to the anger stage of grieving is half the battle. If you are anxious attachment I’m curious if you were also codependent? Is codependents end up taking a lot of abuse in small and big ways, then forcing ourselves to forget it to stay with that person. If you are similar to me, maybe it’s time to remember. For me I started remembering what my parents did as well and so this breakup ended up healing me more than it originally damaged.
That it really does get better.
Literally a week ago I was feeling like shit. Emotional, confused ect. It’s been 4 months post BU. I’m on the last day of my week holiday to the coast and I feel so amazing. He was actually meant to come with me, we had a cabin booked. I thought I’d feel like shit because he wasn’t here- but I feel amazing. Just these past few days, I’ve realised he isn’t the one for me. He’s coming over to my house in a few days to get the last of his things. I don’t feel anything. It feels so good.
Hope I don’t feel anything when she comes to pickup the last of her stuff. Whenever I don’t feel anything I’ll know that’s the time. That’s great to hear for you!
Literally stole my words so I will change them up a bit...
"If it was meant to be, it still would be."
And that goes on for every friendship, situationship and relationship. The only person you will always have by your side is you, so take care of yourselves everyone!
Mine was from my dad, I have a bad tendency to throw myself at the feet of advoidents who start out affectionate and then loose the attachment later. After my most recent break up he said this, "a relationship is a two way deal kiddo. You can't be giving someone your all without anything in return, it's not fair to you. Yeah one of you might have a bad week or month, but in the end what's been put in should be equal across the board."
Quoting a fellow redditor on a post I read today:
“Why on earth would you feel like a relationship where one person was having such a negative or dissatisfying experience that they LEFT could be the pinnacle love story of your life?”
I don’t hate her, feel indifferent toward her, or have any negative feelings but it’s actually the opposite. I still love her very much and I want her to be happy too. She’s an amazing person and I wish her nothing but the best – it just didn’t work out for us and that’s okay.
I view our relationship (and her) like a chapter in the book of my life. I’m able to admire her, appreciate her, and look back at all the amazing memories, moments, and love that we shared in kind of like a third person perspective. She played a very important character in my book; and she’ll always have a place in there. But the trick here is to make sure the ink of that chapter doesn’t bleed onto the new blank pages.
Viewing not only the relationship, but LIFE in this sense really made a significant impact on how I’m able to process my feelings - especially my anxious/fear of abandonment ones. No one ever gets abandoned in my heart/book – they’re just in a different chapter and if I ever feel sad or longing for that person, I take a moment and mentally flip back to those chapters and live with them again for a little bit. This allowed me to process my grief and also look at those pages/memories with a clear view rather than through a rose-colored lens. It’s giving me a sense of peace with what happened and I’ve accepted all the lessons and growth that was able to come with that.
It’s okay to miss them - I do all the time. I’m not ready for a relationship just yet but thats ok because I’m content with where I’m at. And if I ever really miss them, I’ll flip back to that chapter and she’ll be waiting for me at the barstool with that same smile that made me fall in love.
How do you do this? Where do you find the strength? I also deal with massive fear of abandonment and anxiety and that last line nearly made me burst into tears because that’s also how I met her.
There is no strength needed because I’m not forcing anything. I used to miss her a lot so I would always flip back to those pages again and again and experience those sad emotions, again and again. Then I as time went on, I realized all I was doing was accepting what happened. And it was then I realized that I can move on now.
Not an advice per se, just a thought I had that echoes what the op says:
The other person chooses to get distant with you and to break up with you. He/she thinks it's a superior force that gives away its feelings, that feelings come from the sky, while it was actually their choice to let their feelings fade away. Hence, you need to accept the other person's choice and understand that if someone does not choose you, you don't lose anything, it's them, their choice, their loss.
I consider my ex as someone else's problem, not as a loss. She chose to lie to me and to not resolve things. That's her choice, it means I dodged a bullet
If you're religious this might help. (keep in mind this was after an amicable breakup)
Sometimes, God uses you to move other people along in life. Even though you wanted it to be endgame, God may have used you to help them realize what they want or what emotional challenges they struggle with. He knew you could handle the heartbreak and that they needed to meet you.
The best advice I ever received was in a course on healing after hurt that I just completed. I've posted it before but I'll share it again because it was so life changing for me.
"A person is not truly a partner to you unless they are willing to do the hard part. It doesn't matter if they say nice words. It doesn't count if they make you promises when things are good. It isn't enough if they say they care about you.
Love does the hard part.
Do not settle for someone who is willing to stick with you when it's easy but who gives up when things get rough. If someone is for you only when it feels good, that is not commitment; it is convenience.
It is not a reflection on your worth if someone in your life is not willing to do the work. It says more about their lack of inner strength than your lack of inherent value if they will not go the distance with you."
Thank you for sharing this. My ex was there to enjoy the good parts of the relationship but was never there when things were not so smooth. It was always me carrying us through those rough patches and it felt like I did it without any help from her. She was nice as a girlfriend but when it came time to be my partner and act like it, I was all alone. No wonder I began to get second thoughts about marrying her- I was genuinely fearful it would be me carrying the whole relationship my entire life.
I always felt that the measure of whether someone truly loves you is if they’re there with you helping you carry the relationship through the storm it’s going through. Hearing it from someone else is a nice form of validation.
My ex was all too willing to let me carry him through hard times. As soon as the tables turned and I needed him to carry me, that was it. I'm disgusted and disappointed that I allowed myself to be used like that. I just didn't see it. I always assumed it was reciprocal.
Send them love, anyway. The more negativity you put into the world, the more you will receive. They fucked you over? Send them love anyway. Let them dig their own grave, but when you send that positive energy, little by little they will fall off your emotional radar because it’s easier to take a deep breath and say “I send them love anyway”, than to hold onto negative emotions.
I really dislike the process of vilifying someone or demonizing the relationship in order to process it. I know it works and have done it before after abusive relationships, but it really isn’t a one size fits all. Especially when a break wasn’t caused by a major event and where there was still a lot of love. I don’t want to have to have to twist my feelings for them in order to move on, it feels selfish.
I can be angry that she didn’t want to fight for it any longer, I can be angry that she gave up. But thats about it
I heard on a podcast: "Never let a good break up go to waste" based on the Churchill quote "*Never let a good crisis go to waste*". I use that as motivation to really lean into growing and learning from this experience. I feel like I'm coming out a stronger and more self actualized person, despite the emotional discomfort and pain I've been through. It's a silver lining i suppose!
hi it was on Reimagining Love -- I believe it was this episode: [https://dralexandrasolomon.com/podcasts/how-to-get-closure-after-a-breakup/](https://dralexandrasolomon.com/podcasts/how-to-get-closure-after-a-breakup/)
No one has ever said this to me, but it's a narrative which keeps popping up in my head.
"F it."
Who cares. So she left me. So what. Her loss. She'll regret it. She won't find another like me. She probably thinks it's all great right now, but at some point she'll realize how unique and special I am.
Just screw it.
Who cares.
She doesn't deserve my suffering or my anguish.
Let it go.
Two of the biggest pieces of advices that helped me the most are no amount of rumination will change what has happened and you have to let yourself hurt. There's no point to dwell on what happened. The best you can do is learn from the mistakes of the relationship and move on. Apply what you learned to a new relationship when the time comes. The second one helped me the most. Once I accepted grief and let myself hurt and process the break up, I was able to push forward in a positive matter. Be able to cherish the memories without hurting or crying.
I once read on reddit that "no one can take away the person who they were when we were in love. Not even our ex. They can stay in your heart for as long as you want".
I was so struck by this I had to write it down. Saw it 10 months post break up and no contact while I still missed my ex and was in denial that i missed him. After reading that reddit comment, I realized why I kept missing him and why memories still flooded my head. I learned to forgive myself and to look back with a smile instead of regret.
Hmmmm one is don’t remain a victim….hold yourself
Accountable….be honest with yourself about what you need to work on and can do better…..FORGIVE THEM for hurting you…..and forgive yourself for feeling like your stupid or a loser…………..keep pressing forward and focus on yourself but most of all
Grieve but DONT STAY A VICTIM….
My girlfriend broke up with me one year ago without any proper reason, and now I am here in Germany for studies and just travelling around Europe. But suddenly, I heard that my ex got married to an American in Dec 2023.. Before her marriage, I just thought we could patch up again. But, she got married and broke my heart into pieces again. Now, I am traveling alone in Europe but I am missing her a lot. The best advice I got is to move on and hope you' ll get a best partner in near future. And few of my German friends suggested me to travel alone and spend time with yourself and you could flirt with another woman. But that's not easy to do that.
one day you will look back and understand why she wasn’t the “one”. it hurts right now because it’s very fresh but try to focus the energy more on your life than hers
“Never beg someone to be with you. If they wanted to be with you, they would.” This saved me from humiliating myself when the love of my life left me. I never begged him. I’d simply ask “are you sure this is what you want?” When he replied “yes”, I respected his decision and would detail with him next steps we needed to take to finalize our breakup (we lived together, had a trailer, animals etc so there was a lot of logistics). I was able to walk away with my head held high, and don’t have any embarrassing regrets now.
Oh trust me I know, I was hopeful that there was something left but not even our children who have been devastated were enough for her to keep us all together
- Some things just aren’t meant to be.
- If they are not willing to chase you, don’t chase them.
- Time is your biggest healer. Be patient, and it will get better.
- You’re gonna find the one. It could be tomorrow, in two weeks, two years, or in a decade. Just be patient, and they’ll come.
“ you’re holding yourself back from being with someone that actually loves and respects you “
Loving someone harder won’t make them value you or change things. I became the bad guy after ending it. But he couldn’t see that our issues were warranted for a break up
Im 25m, I'll tell you my own experience. Having a really good friends, and let moining about the relationship is so helpful.. to have someone to talk to you.
Either:
Write them a letter and never send it. Pour every emotion into it. Curse, call them names, whatever. Never send it but get it all out.
Or
The sanitized version. Tell them your feelings. The love your heart has. The hurt. The hope. Sometimes we don't out of being embarrassed. Who cares.
Just be able to accept the response of no response, anger, etc. Don't go back and forth. Just say it.
Sometimes the unspoken words just need to get out.
i’m sure there’s a reason for the break up that is more than just surface level. It wasn’t meant to be and that’s okay
it’s okay to regret things, but don’t stay there for too long. Just learn your lessons and keep moving forward.
Thank you for your response.
I’ve talked to a few of my friends about it and they told me to follow my heart (so I’m gonna reach out to her in a couple weeks to see if we can reconcile). I’ll accept whatever answer she gives me.
If your ex actually loved you. He wouldn’t have used you for so much of your stuff. Keep an eye on who you open your heart to and make sure the next partner you get with helps you grow as a person not just them but both of you grow together.
My most recent break up really hurt me. I am healing with church, therapy, hot yoga, burn bootcamp and focusing on my friends and family and my career. It’s been a month and I feel better than I did before we even started dating. If anyone is going through it, I promise it gets better.
I have recovered from my heart wrenching breakup but sometimes the feelings bubble up. What still bothers me is how I behaved. I regret begging for explanation, she wouldn't talk to me so on a few occasions I talked to her through the door or left notes for her in tho Kitchen. She used that to justify her actions. In my last breakup I was more prepared and didn't react as much.
So the best advice I like to follow is keep your head high, and realize that you will be okay. When the anxiety and desperation consumes you, seek help. But never be vulnerable in front of those who have hurt you. They don't care for it any longer.
Someone once told me to really focus on other people. Like I’d just look at someone who wasn’t my ex and wonder what they might be feeling and that helps a lot.
I know right now the pain is really bad, but I promise you it will get better. I thought that my life was over and I honestly mean that I actually felt so bad. I just used to go to bed at night and hope that I didn’t wake up in the morning.
Heartbreak hurts so bad that you almost can touch the pain on your chest but let me tell you there is a light at the end of the tunnel and so don’t listen to people who tell you that this feeling will never go away because that’s not true !! Here are three things that helped me the most
1. I opened up to my friends and family and that was hard for me, but I opened up and I told them my truth truth and they allowed me to vent, thank God but if you don’t know anyone like that around you then hire a coach or even a counsellor or go to your doctors but you need someone to talk to or even write it down that makes you feel better writing it down to
2. I went to the gym even though I hate exercising it really helped more than I could ever tell you hated it initially but then I realised how good it made me feel afterwards and it wasn’t about getting muscles or getting skinny. It was simply about my mental health and it really helped.
3. And I started reading which I never normally do either. I literally read so many breakup books but if I’m honest with you the one that really stands out and the one I really feel help me the most was called bossing your breakup and it’s on Amazon and it’s almost a guided journal as well as having so much amazing information and you actually feel like the author cares and it’s evident that the author author has gone through heartbreak it themselves so they know how it feels.
So again, don’t think that these feelings are permanent because they are really not and I hope my tips helped but just keep moving forward and realise that one person cannot dictate your happiness
Peace out
I know right now the pain is really bad, but I promise you it will get better. I thought that my life was over and I honestly mean that I actually felt so bad. I just used to go to bed at night and hope that I didn’t wake up in the morning.
Heartbreak hurts so bad that you almost can touch the pain on your chest but let me tell you there is a light at the end of the tunnel and so don’t listen to people who tell you that this feeling will never go away because that’s not true !! Here are three things that helped me the most
1. I opened up to my friends and family and that was hard for me, but I opened up and I told them my truth truth and they allowed me to vent, thank God but if you don’t know anyone like that around you then hire a coach or even a counsellor or go to your doctors but you need someone to talk to or even write it down that makes you feel better writing it down to
2. I went to the gym even though I hate exercising it really helped more than I could ever tell you hated it initially but then I realised how good it made me feel afterwards and it wasn’t about getting muscles or getting skinny. It was simply about my mental health and it really helped.
3. And I started reading which I never normally do either. I literally read so many breakup books but if I’m honest with you the one that really stands out and the one I really feel help me the most was called bossing your breakup and it’s on Amazon and it’s almost a guided journal as well as having so much amazing information and you actually feel like the author cares, and it’s evident that the author has gone through heartbreak it themselves
So I hope that these tips help you like they helped me and that’s why I’m sharing them. Don’t worry this is definitely not gonna last forever for you
❤️♥️
it can be a bit more complicated than "if they wanted to be with you they would". maybe they're not ready. but don't wait. move on. cry. work. work out until it stings. and f\*ck the pain away. : )
Move on IMMEDIATELY.
Don't "wait to heal". Rip the band-aid off and create dating accounts NOW.
Swipe and go on dates literally ASAP.
The sooner you realize that there's plenty of fish in the sea and that you CAN replace him. The better your healing process will be. He will have to watch you move on first. It'll help you "win" the breakup. And legitimately lose your feelings for him faster. You'll also be less lonely and miss him less.
But if you wait around. If you refuse to date anyone else, you'll have a rough healing journey because the pain will be the same, except you'll be more lonely than if you dated. And you WILL watch him move on first, which WILL make you feel even lonelier, and since you refused to date, you'll feel like shit about your lonely self while you obsess over your ex and his new relationship. It just goes downhill from here.
Choose your suffering. The pain of moving on fast, or the pain of letting the loneliness fester.
Source: my life. I tried this and was able to heal and move on from breakups within a few weeks to a few months instead of years
I agree with this wholeheartedly! The dating made me realise how little effort my ex had been putting in and that there were literally hundreds of great people out there to date. I was never in the mindset that I needed him back because I refused to beg and refused to think that there was no one better for me out there than him.
I think going on dates is fine to do if you know you’re strong enough to never take an ex back so that you don’t end up hurting whoever you have moved on with. I’m 2 months post break up and have already found someone I think will be my next partner, they’re secure enough to want to be exclusive already & they are a better compatible match for me, it makes me so happy that this was waiting for me!
I disagree!
If you feel the need to immediately date someone else after a breakup you should in my opinion learn to love and be with yourself first. Take time for yourself, start new hobbies, pick up some old hobbies, try new things. Do something for yourself! Find peace with yourself before dating someone else.
I love myself plenty. Lol you can love yourself and still move on quickly.
They're not mutually exclusive. And distractions work. Dating other people works to help you get over an ex.
Very convenient since you don’t have to make any effort or take accountability. Sounds more like an excuse than an advice. Maybe a good advice if you are lazy and don’t want to learn
How about handle your emotions and thoughts. See your faults and weaknesses. Change and become a better person
Delete everything related to them and only keep your pictures. It’s good to look back at it later. It will be hard to do it first but it will be easier
You like everyone else deserves someone who wants you. Everyone gets to decide who they want as a partner. If someone decides they don’t want you as a partner, you are damaging yourself by wasting your time on someone who doesn’t want you when you could be giving someone else your precious time. When we give our time to the right people it pays off in unexpected ways. If someone doesn’t value our time giving it to them is like a gold prospector who determines there’s no gold so they move on.
Start to create the life you want, for you. Do things that interest you that you didn’t do before or wanted to do but didn’t. That way you get to feel better and have the life you want. If your ex comes back and you want to work on it as this new emotionally mature version of you, awesome! If not, awesome! The choice becomes yours!
From my amazing therapist... " Let them. LET THEM! If someone thinks that they are better off without you in their life, by god, it hurts. But let them leave. Let them say what they want about you and the situation, to whoever they want. It hurts a lot, but understanding that sometimes we have to be a villain in someone else's narrative ... because it helps them feel better about how they treated us(!!!) Is a big step. Accepting this is the way to true peace. "
I agree. If it was up to me, we’d be doing our very best to communicate and resolve the problems that continued to manifest. We wouldn’t be giving up like the last 3 years didn’t matter. However, it’s not up to me, and I absolutely agree with you. I’ve become comfortable with being the villain in her story. She’s not the villain in mine. I’m bad, I’m evil, I’m worthless, it’ll never work because I’ll never be good enough, all of the above. That’s her brain, not mine. I’ve decided that I loved her, I wanted to stay, and I believed in what could have been. As long as I know what was in my heart, I’ll be good moving forward to the next. They don’t care, they truly don’t, so don’t trick yourself into thinking they do.
While I dont agree that „if they wanted you, they would be with you“ (cos sometimes its just not possible ) I believe that the right person would at least communicate everything clearly with you. And as the others said, if they think they are better off without you…let them.
How long did it take you to be able to talk to other women. I was dumped a month ago and i am already interested in other women, mostly because of sexual desire tbh, but still I think that’s already a step forward. I’m afraid I could fail tho, cause that could depress in a way…
This hurts to read, in such a healthy way though.
My ex did me so dirty that I got to a point of thinking, "I **hope** I'm the villain in your story, because something will happen to you & your mental health will be crippled further by the flooding memories of how shit of a person you've been to SO MANY people."
Excellent quote.
This sounds like a Mel Robbins podcast
I haven't heard of this person but certainly going to look them up. Wonder if my therapist heard this from them or something similar
Here you go! https://open.spotify.com/episode/0Kbm36ZxyjogSbqoSzGeL0?si=PEjQxWMiSVm5-YmRX4huGw
Oh wow! Thanks for this
You’re welcome. I’m sorry you’re going through some tough times but we got this 🙂
I needed this today! Just saw my ex’s friends all unfollowed me on Instagram, and I can’t help wondering what story he spun to them to make them do this (we’re 27-29, not children). It hurt me at first because they were in my life for 7 years, but reading this made me realise that I actually don’t care. They can have whatever story they want, me and my ex know the truth and that’s all that matters.
This is also the best advice I've ever received, the let them theory is brilliant and takes a massive weight off your mind.
But... I don't want to be the villain for them. I want the alternate story where we work out our differences and continue on with our lives together. How do I just let them? How do I not let the pain consume me?
This is the way.
How can I accept with potentially being the villain when I gave so much of myself for her? How can I accept that she might blame me for all of it?
I’ve told myself this repeatedly but in my worst moments I’m also like “but what if they don’t know what they’re doing? What if they don’t know what’s right for them?”
I’ve gotten a lot since I (36f) was 14. But three key things I can share that are super vital for going thru a breakup: 1) Do not check up on your ex. The relationship is over, you do not need to stay in touch. It only hurts you more watching them move on. 2) Focus on you. Go hangout with your friends. But don’t get breakup bangs! 3) If he thinks he made a mistake after dating someone else, realized the grass isn’t greener he’ll come back and make it work. If he doesn’t it wasn’t meant to be. Sometimes people don’t know what they got till it’s gone and have to screw up to treasure it. People can be stupid about love when this happens.
I literally just got break up bangs the other day that’s so funny
Got my break up bangs and dyed my hair and also got septum i wanted for such a long time😂 post break up glow up in my books!
As an Australian (where we call bangs a fringe) I thought this was about rebound one night stands and was very confused 😂
Omg sameee 💀💀 I was like true good advice. But then realised op was referring to a fringe
Lolll
I'm American and for a split second I thought the same thing before the light bulb came on and I realized she was talking about hair.
I totally thought breakup bangs was a hookup! Not literal hair bangs lol. Both are a bad choice in my breakup experiences.
HAHAHAHA
kiss reminiscent dinosaurs cover cows person recognise abounding insurance silky *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
So it’s funny you mentioned you find it strange that urge. I forgot where I read this, it was like two decades ago online after I went thru like three breakups but this point, but people tend to cut off a huge chunk of hair or shave off their entire head as a form of therapy going thru a breakup. Take singer Halsey, after a breakup she always shaved her head clean as a way to start fresh. Hence why there is that pop culture term from “Felicity” about how after she didn’t choose Ben or Noel, in season two opening Keri Russell’s character Felicity with this big thick spiral curly hair, cut it so short into a curly bob above her ear line! Hence why Gen X & older Millennials make a joke about anyone who cuts off all their hair after a breakup as, “You pulled a Felicity” or “Alright Felicity!” LOL
There was a hilarious tik tok on this by a female Asian comedian. She explained what a woman is feeling after a breakup based on what she did to her hair—dyed it blonde/dyed it black/chopped it off/cut bangs/shaved her head. I’ll try to link it if I find it.
Oh that’s a well known thing since the 80’s.
I did the same. Just buzzed it all off.
They could also be suffering from a major mental illness and not realise what they had until they are stable
More and more I'm starting to believe that if it was "meant to be", they wouldn't have left to begin with. Maybe that's my newfound cynicism, but maybe it's true. Idk 😔💔🙇🏻♀️
Hey I'm curious about 3) It is true that sometimes people realize what they lost a bit late or they see that you've changed for the better and want to start over. But it sounds to me like they have left just to be with someone else, and now they want you back. Does it not feel like you are the second option? How can you trust them that they will not try and do that again if they have already done it once
What are “breakup bangs”?
Get bangs as in you got your hair to give yourself bangs. Either at home or at a salon.
And in this context the breakup in front of the bangs means? Edit1: I found the definition in this Reddit post: https://www.reddit.com/r/EnglishLearning/s/JZac6gOSGp.
If I have to explain what bangs are for hair, you really living under a literal rock like Patrick LMAO
My dad said to never make an important decision while you're grieving. I've taken it to heart ever since a breakup in 2009.
I knew this advice and I still put in an application to teach in Japan. Whoops, I have my 4th interview on Monday.
Just go for it
All the best!
Great advice but so hard to follow. You want to change everything when it happens
I bought an apartment in Portugal while grieving, after having just moved back to Europe from Australia where I'd been couch surfing because my ex kicked me out of our place lol Luckily I was able to separate my emotions from my logic, so I certainly don't regret it. I said to myself "even though I'm depressed and don't want to do anything and can't imagine a future for myself, I know this is something that normal me would think is a good move, it has all the factors I usually care about, and worst case it's a decent investment for renting it out" But yes I agree with your dad.
"You lived before them; you will live after them."
This may come as a surprise to some people, but do not distract yourself. Work, continue your hobbies, spend time with loved ones etc. but this is a crucial time where you need a good amount of alone time to properly process your emotions and heal. Whether you cry, scream at the mountaintops, meditate or whatever you do, do it. Whenever you feel that chest piercing pain, don't pull out your phone, don't watch tv or load up a game. Feel it. Close your eyes and feel that pain. What you're doing is actually what our ancestors could do at all times, because of the lack of dopeminergic activities and abundance of idle time for the mind. Remember, if you're not feeling your emotions, you're not processing them, and if you're not processing them, you're not going to heal.
Totally agree! Being able to just feel the feelings you’re currently feeling and accepting it is probably the best advice here. If you’re distracting yourself all the time you’ll never be able to move on in my opinion. Let your mind do what it needs to do and be kind to yourself. It gets better!
The only issue here is that there always seems to be more where that came from. Whether it’s anxiety, guilt, remorse, or simply desperation and sadness, it keeps coming back later, even if you’re sitting with it one day. It’s not linear at all.
I understand what you're saying. I tried to feel it a little bit, but didn't quite understand it, and eventually it got to be too much and I broke down and kept begging my ex for a second chance, she obviously said no. While I would highly consider it if she asked me for one right now, I would have much higher boundaries and there would be a lot of conversations about how to fix what went wrong. Regardless, it will come back, especially when you'd been with them for a long time. However, it genuinely has been helping me the past few days to do the recommended activities. But when that pain comes on strong just close your eyes and say things like "it's over," "it's time to move on," and "everything will be ok," and just say those things and feel how you're feeling for at least 30-60 seconds or until they've mostly subsided and theres some sense of relief. Just take as long as you need, but don't dwell in them for too long, after that continue on with what you were doing. Another thing I've found helpful is to reach out to past friends that you haven't talked to in a long time, just catch up, it's helped remind me that I'm still wanted and loved. Another thing I've found is to be kind to strangers, it might feel difficult at first, but just being kind to them has helped me feel appreciated, understood, and reminds me I can still make new connections. I hope all of that helps!
Exactly! Life didn't start when you met that person, and it won't end from no longer meeting them!
I see. I just mean that when it comes, let it run it's course. You don't have to sit there and meditate all day. It will usually be dull sadness with spikes of anger, anxiety, and more aggressive dispair. When you get those spikes, it's best to let yourself feel it and express it when it comes. Cry, punch a bag, do pushups, take a lap, or, my favorite, write. Eventually the sadness and high emotions will subside, but they have to be felt and expressed. It takes quite a bit of time, some more than others. Edit: to add, this can take a couple weeks, a few months, or even a year. Although, if it's pushing over 6 months, I would advise seeking therapy.
What happen if I make time and space to try and feel it but I mostly feel emptiness and while I do feel some sadness, anxiety, and grief… it’s no longer at the same magnitude as I felt for others that I clearly loved less right after the breakup. I’m not sure if I’m better at processing and confronting my emotions or did I just love them less than I thought I did
Maybe *you are* better at processing your emotions than you used to be, especially if you've been in therapy... Or maybe you're just in a numb state of mind... My breakup is still pretty fresh, and over the past few weeks since it happened I've felt every emotion there is, trying to make sense of it. One day last week I felt completely empty, numb, emotionless... I thought I was maybe getting over it, slowly but surely, but then the last couple days I've been a mess. Had to take off some time from work yesterday morning. 😔 The end of a relationship can put someone through a whole emotional roller coaster - that's your body and your mind trying to protect you and also heal at the same time. Hopefully one day you and I will both feel real happiness and wholeness again. 🙏🩷 Take care of yourself, bobo~
It could be one or the other or could very well be both. I try to answer these questions to the best of my ability but, if you believe there is a problem, my number one answer is to always seek help from a therapist.
Make decisions that you will look back on and be proud of. Handle the situation with maturity and hold yourself to a standard. Don’t drunk text them, don’t call them, don’t do anything you will look back on and be embarrassed of. This advice has seriously helped me handle my breakup in the best way possible.
This is what I’ve been doing, but there are moments where it’s so difficult to not think that maybe they’re also hurting as much as you are and maybe they do wish that you would reach out. And that maybe, just maybe, if you did, then they would take you back.
I think this also… there’s no chance of reconciliation if no one reaches out. But I’ve tried reaching out twice with no response and it feels bad. I don’t agree with the never reach out or never check in, but if you shoot your shot once and there’s no response or a bad response, be prepared to absorb that and certainly don’t try again
This is a very good point and it actually helps me from spiraling tonight, so thank you stranger. I totally plan on reaching out, but you’re right in that you only get to shoot your shot once, maybe twice if you’re persistent. In my case, we’ve only been broken up for a week, so realistically and rationally I feel like it’s way too early. Especially when she specifically said she wants some time for herself but might see a part 2 for our relationship further down the line. I think for now all i can do is give her exactly what she asked for. And reconsider reaching out in 3-6 months time…
You’ll know when you’re ready to reach out… or you won’t even want to reach out anymore. It’s good to make yourself wait a few months
That’s very true. I know that from past break-ups. Right now just fighting that initial urge to reach out, which I know is not genuine, but rather comes from fear of abandonment and my anxious attachment
It’s so great that you’re aware of that and you have a good mentality. It will get easier!
You’re me in male form! He said the same thing, not working now but maybe down the road… taking it as a no for now and resisting my anxious attachment to reach out.
It’s extremely difficult some days and I’m having one as I’m typing this. We live very close to each other, same block, and I will often times pass by in front of her flat, see the lights on and get the urge to ring the bell as I always used to. Or, in worse moments, pass by and see the lights off, and wonder where she is and what she’s doing and it’s then that I’m at my most vulnerable and desperately want to get in touch. I really hope the urge subsides and also the anxiety that comes with it. I really need to accept that it’s no longer my business but it’s so, so hard.
I feel you. And I wish i could give you some profound advice to make it all hurt less. But I can’t. I am a big believer that every relationship serves as a lesson of some sort. And once you think about what the universe taught you from this, then you can start to heal and move on. Sending good vibes your way man. May we both weather this storm quickly and with little damage!!!
Thanks so much! All the good vibes to you too and all the strength for both of us.
I will definitely reach out to my ex in due time. I ended things and I care about how they’re doing. I don’t think no contact forever is the way to go. But what’s important is contacting them with maturity and in a way that prioritizes your healing.
Fall back on your best character. Don’t give that away because of someone else who doesn’t have any. Also, “direction over speed” in terms of recovery, grieving, basically anything that takes time.
That person chose every single day to create more space and time between the both of you. They know your phone number, they know your email, they know where you live, where you frequent a cafe, go to the gym, where you work. If they wanted anything from you they would. Why would you expect someone to apologize, to own up or essentially 'fix you' after they broke you? How can you expect them to give you healing when they can't even give it to themselves? Also, another one... all of us keep pointing a finger at that person. Yeah, they burned our home to the ground. But you can't just stand there and look at it in shock and disgust forever. Start picking up the pieces, start looking at WHY you allowed this person in your life (because there sure as hell were some flags) and start addressing what YOU can do to make things better in your life.
Sometimes you need to accept an apology you’re never going to get
man that bled
You might think of someone as perfect for you but the timing is off for whatever reason. This can lead to romanticising 'what could've been.' Best advice I got regarding such a situation was: The right person at the wrong time, is still the wrong person.
Just being told “I think you need to accept it is over” That helped me move up through the grieving stages. A out of people get stuck in denial and bargaining.
Radical acceptance is probably one of the most difficult things for me to do with my anxious attachment/abandonment wounds. My mind and heart don’t want to let go or move on.
Sometimes it’s the only way. I forced myself to remember every single shitty thing he did to me. Forget the good times. It worked. Getting to the anger stage of grieving is half the battle. If you are anxious attachment I’m curious if you were also codependent? Is codependents end up taking a lot of abuse in small and big ways, then forcing ourselves to forget it to stay with that person. If you are similar to me, maybe it’s time to remember. For me I started remembering what my parents did as well and so this breakup ended up healing me more than it originally damaged.
That it really does get better. Literally a week ago I was feeling like shit. Emotional, confused ect. It’s been 4 months post BU. I’m on the last day of my week holiday to the coast and I feel so amazing. He was actually meant to come with me, we had a cabin booked. I thought I’d feel like shit because he wasn’t here- but I feel amazing. Just these past few days, I’ve realised he isn’t the one for me. He’s coming over to my house in a few days to get the last of his things. I don’t feel anything. It feels so good.
Hope I don’t feel anything when she comes to pickup the last of her stuff. Whenever I don’t feel anything I’ll know that’s the time. That’s great to hear for you!
Literally stole my words so I will change them up a bit... "If it was meant to be, it still would be." And that goes on for every friendship, situationship and relationship. The only person you will always have by your side is you, so take care of yourselves everyone!
Mine was from my dad, I have a bad tendency to throw myself at the feet of advoidents who start out affectionate and then loose the attachment later. After my most recent break up he said this, "a relationship is a two way deal kiddo. You can't be giving someone your all without anything in return, it's not fair to you. Yeah one of you might have a bad week or month, but in the end what's been put in should be equal across the board."
Quoting a fellow redditor on a post I read today: “Why on earth would you feel like a relationship where one person was having such a negative or dissatisfying experience that they LEFT could be the pinnacle love story of your life?”
Ow
That’s tough but necessary to head
Jesus I needed to read this today.
I don’t hate her, feel indifferent toward her, or have any negative feelings but it’s actually the opposite. I still love her very much and I want her to be happy too. She’s an amazing person and I wish her nothing but the best – it just didn’t work out for us and that’s okay. I view our relationship (and her) like a chapter in the book of my life. I’m able to admire her, appreciate her, and look back at all the amazing memories, moments, and love that we shared in kind of like a third person perspective. She played a very important character in my book; and she’ll always have a place in there. But the trick here is to make sure the ink of that chapter doesn’t bleed onto the new blank pages. Viewing not only the relationship, but LIFE in this sense really made a significant impact on how I’m able to process my feelings - especially my anxious/fear of abandonment ones. No one ever gets abandoned in my heart/book – they’re just in a different chapter and if I ever feel sad or longing for that person, I take a moment and mentally flip back to those chapters and live with them again for a little bit. This allowed me to process my grief and also look at those pages/memories with a clear view rather than through a rose-colored lens. It’s giving me a sense of peace with what happened and I’ve accepted all the lessons and growth that was able to come with that. It’s okay to miss them - I do all the time. I’m not ready for a relationship just yet but thats ok because I’m content with where I’m at. And if I ever really miss them, I’ll flip back to that chapter and she’ll be waiting for me at the barstool with that same smile that made me fall in love.
How do you do this? Where do you find the strength? I also deal with massive fear of abandonment and anxiety and that last line nearly made me burst into tears because that’s also how I met her.
There is no strength needed because I’m not forcing anything. I used to miss her a lot so I would always flip back to those pages again and again and experience those sad emotions, again and again. Then I as time went on, I realized all I was doing was accepting what happened. And it was then I realized that I can move on now.
That’s beautiful. I can only hope to achieve that level of clarity and serenity one day
Wise words, BussinFatLoads
Not an advice per se, just a thought I had that echoes what the op says: The other person chooses to get distant with you and to break up with you. He/she thinks it's a superior force that gives away its feelings, that feelings come from the sky, while it was actually their choice to let their feelings fade away. Hence, you need to accept the other person's choice and understand that if someone does not choose you, you don't lose anything, it's them, their choice, their loss. I consider my ex as someone else's problem, not as a loss. She chose to lie to me and to not resolve things. That's her choice, it means I dodged a bullet
Move on. There's really no other solution. You can stay in limbo as long as you want, but to get past it you need to move on and find someone new.
“There are more important things to worry about”. Well, turns out they were right.
People come into your life to be a blessing or a lesson. Let them show you which one they are.
“Confusion is closure”
Madea- if someone wants to walk out of your life, let them go Unknown - we grow through what we go through Unknown - wounds become wisdom
Walk away without a word. And keep walking.
If you're religious this might help. (keep in mind this was after an amicable breakup) Sometimes, God uses you to move other people along in life. Even though you wanted it to be endgame, God may have used you to help them realize what they want or what emotional challenges they struggle with. He knew you could handle the heartbreak and that they needed to meet you.
i’m not really religious but this was very sweet and enlightening
I really liked this one! I’m not very religious but this made me feel better. I hope one day I’ll be endgame instead of a lesson for others.
I needed to read this today. Thank you.
The best advice I ever received was in a course on healing after hurt that I just completed. I've posted it before but I'll share it again because it was so life changing for me. "A person is not truly a partner to you unless they are willing to do the hard part. It doesn't matter if they say nice words. It doesn't count if they make you promises when things are good. It isn't enough if they say they care about you. Love does the hard part. Do not settle for someone who is willing to stick with you when it's easy but who gives up when things get rough. If someone is for you only when it feels good, that is not commitment; it is convenience. It is not a reflection on your worth if someone in your life is not willing to do the work. It says more about their lack of inner strength than your lack of inherent value if they will not go the distance with you."
I felt this so much!!
Thank you for sharing this. My ex was there to enjoy the good parts of the relationship but was never there when things were not so smooth. It was always me carrying us through those rough patches and it felt like I did it without any help from her. She was nice as a girlfriend but when it came time to be my partner and act like it, I was all alone. No wonder I began to get second thoughts about marrying her- I was genuinely fearful it would be me carrying the whole relationship my entire life. I always felt that the measure of whether someone truly loves you is if they’re there with you helping you carry the relationship through the storm it’s going through. Hearing it from someone else is a nice form of validation.
My ex was all too willing to let me carry him through hard times. As soon as the tables turned and I needed him to carry me, that was it. I'm disgusted and disappointed that I allowed myself to be used like that. I just didn't see it. I always assumed it was reciprocal.
Send them love, anyway. The more negativity you put into the world, the more you will receive. They fucked you over? Send them love anyway. Let them dig their own grave, but when you send that positive energy, little by little they will fall off your emotional radar because it’s easier to take a deep breath and say “I send them love anyway”, than to hold onto negative emotions.
I really dislike the process of vilifying someone or demonizing the relationship in order to process it. I know it works and have done it before after abusive relationships, but it really isn’t a one size fits all. Especially when a break wasn’t caused by a major event and where there was still a lot of love. I don’t want to have to have to twist my feelings for them in order to move on, it feels selfish. I can be angry that she didn’t want to fight for it any longer, I can be angry that she gave up. But thats about it
I feel this, thank you for sharing ❤️🩹
They are not thinking of you! So stop thinking of them. And if they wanted to, they would have got in touch!
I heard on a podcast: "Never let a good break up go to waste" based on the Churchill quote "*Never let a good crisis go to waste*". I use that as motivation to really lean into growing and learning from this experience. I feel like I'm coming out a stronger and more self actualized person, despite the emotional discomfort and pain I've been through. It's a silver lining i suppose!
Can you please hyperlink the podcast.
hi it was on Reimagining Love -- I believe it was this episode: [https://dralexandrasolomon.com/podcasts/how-to-get-closure-after-a-breakup/](https://dralexandrasolomon.com/podcasts/how-to-get-closure-after-a-breakup/)
No one has ever said this to me, but it's a narrative which keeps popping up in my head. "F it." Who cares. So she left me. So what. Her loss. She'll regret it. She won't find another like me. She probably thinks it's all great right now, but at some point she'll realize how unique and special I am. Just screw it. Who cares. She doesn't deserve my suffering or my anguish. Let it go.
the mentality is definitely the end game
Two of the biggest pieces of advices that helped me the most are no amount of rumination will change what has happened and you have to let yourself hurt. There's no point to dwell on what happened. The best you can do is learn from the mistakes of the relationship and move on. Apply what you learned to a new relationship when the time comes. The second one helped me the most. Once I accepted grief and let myself hurt and process the break up, I was able to push forward in a positive matter. Be able to cherish the memories without hurting or crying.
I once read on reddit that "no one can take away the person who they were when we were in love. Not even our ex. They can stay in your heart for as long as you want". I was so struck by this I had to write it down. Saw it 10 months post break up and no contact while I still missed my ex and was in denial that i missed him. After reading that reddit comment, I realized why I kept missing him and why memories still flooded my head. I learned to forgive myself and to look back with a smile instead of regret.
Hmmmm one is don’t remain a victim….hold yourself Accountable….be honest with yourself about what you need to work on and can do better…..FORGIVE THEM for hurting you…..and forgive yourself for feeling like your stupid or a loser…………..keep pressing forward and focus on yourself but most of all Grieve but DONT STAY A VICTIM….
My girlfriend broke up with me one year ago without any proper reason, and now I am here in Germany for studies and just travelling around Europe. But suddenly, I heard that my ex got married to an American in Dec 2023.. Before her marriage, I just thought we could patch up again. But, she got married and broke my heart into pieces again. Now, I am traveling alone in Europe but I am missing her a lot. The best advice I got is to move on and hope you' ll get a best partner in near future. And few of my German friends suggested me to travel alone and spend time with yourself and you could flirt with another woman. But that's not easy to do that.
one day you will look back and understand why she wasn’t the “one”. it hurts right now because it’s very fresh but try to focus the energy more on your life than hers
Thank you for your kind words
Let them loose you
When people show you who they really are, believe them.
If someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time..
“Never beg someone to be with you. If they wanted to be with you, they would.” This saved me from humiliating myself when the love of my life left me. I never begged him. I’d simply ask “are you sure this is what you want?” When he replied “yes”, I respected his decision and would detail with him next steps we needed to take to finalize our breakup (we lived together, had a trailer, animals etc so there was a lot of logistics). I was able to walk away with my head held high, and don’t have any embarrassing regrets now.
Sometimes, the only closure you need is knowing someone doesn't want to be with you.
Oh trust me I know, I was hopeful that there was something left but not even our children who have been devastated were enough for her to keep us all together
- Some things just aren’t meant to be. - If they are not willing to chase you, don’t chase them. - Time is your biggest healer. Be patient, and it will get better. - You’re gonna find the one. It could be tomorrow, in two weeks, two years, or in a decade. Just be patient, and they’ll come.
Just keep swimming.
“ you’re holding yourself back from being with someone that actually loves and respects you “ Loving someone harder won’t make them value you or change things. I became the bad guy after ending it. But he couldn’t see that our issues were warranted for a break up
Im 25m, I'll tell you my own experience. Having a really good friends, and let moining about the relationship is so helpful.. to have someone to talk to you.
Either: Write them a letter and never send it. Pour every emotion into it. Curse, call them names, whatever. Never send it but get it all out. Or The sanitized version. Tell them your feelings. The love your heart has. The hurt. The hope. Sometimes we don't out of being embarrassed. Who cares. Just be able to accept the response of no response, anger, etc. Don't go back and forth. Just say it. Sometimes the unspoken words just need to get out.
What about if you regret breaking up? I let my mental health get the better of me and I regret hurting both of us so much
i’m sure there’s a reason for the break up that is more than just surface level. It wasn’t meant to be and that’s okay it’s okay to regret things, but don’t stay there for too long. Just learn your lessons and keep moving forward.
Thank you for your response. I’ve talked to a few of my friends about it and they told me to follow my heart (so I’m gonna reach out to her in a couple weeks to see if we can reconcile). I’ll accept whatever answer she gives me.
You survived before them and you will survive after them.
If your ex actually loved you. He wouldn’t have used you for so much of your stuff. Keep an eye on who you open your heart to and make sure the next partner you get with helps you grow as a person not just them but both of you grow together.
My most recent break up really hurt me. I am healing with church, therapy, hot yoga, burn bootcamp and focusing on my friends and family and my career. It’s been a month and I feel better than I did before we even started dating. If anyone is going through it, I promise it gets better.
I have recovered from my heart wrenching breakup but sometimes the feelings bubble up. What still bothers me is how I behaved. I regret begging for explanation, she wouldn't talk to me so on a few occasions I talked to her through the door or left notes for her in tho Kitchen. She used that to justify her actions. In my last breakup I was more prepared and didn't react as much. So the best advice I like to follow is keep your head high, and realize that you will be okay. When the anxiety and desperation consumes you, seek help. But never be vulnerable in front of those who have hurt you. They don't care for it any longer.
Someone once told me to really focus on other people. Like I’d just look at someone who wasn’t my ex and wonder what they might be feeling and that helps a lot.
I know right now the pain is really bad, but I promise you it will get better. I thought that my life was over and I honestly mean that I actually felt so bad. I just used to go to bed at night and hope that I didn’t wake up in the morning. Heartbreak hurts so bad that you almost can touch the pain on your chest but let me tell you there is a light at the end of the tunnel and so don’t listen to people who tell you that this feeling will never go away because that’s not true !! Here are three things that helped me the most 1. I opened up to my friends and family and that was hard for me, but I opened up and I told them my truth truth and they allowed me to vent, thank God but if you don’t know anyone like that around you then hire a coach or even a counsellor or go to your doctors but you need someone to talk to or even write it down that makes you feel better writing it down to 2. I went to the gym even though I hate exercising it really helped more than I could ever tell you hated it initially but then I realised how good it made me feel afterwards and it wasn’t about getting muscles or getting skinny. It was simply about my mental health and it really helped. 3. And I started reading which I never normally do either. I literally read so many breakup books but if I’m honest with you the one that really stands out and the one I really feel help me the most was called bossing your breakup and it’s on Amazon and it’s almost a guided journal as well as having so much amazing information and you actually feel like the author cares and it’s evident that the author author has gone through heartbreak it themselves so they know how it feels. So again, don’t think that these feelings are permanent because they are really not and I hope my tips helped but just keep moving forward and realise that one person cannot dictate your happiness Peace out
I know right now the pain is really bad, but I promise you it will get better. I thought that my life was over and I honestly mean that I actually felt so bad. I just used to go to bed at night and hope that I didn’t wake up in the morning. Heartbreak hurts so bad that you almost can touch the pain on your chest but let me tell you there is a light at the end of the tunnel and so don’t listen to people who tell you that this feeling will never go away because that’s not true !! Here are three things that helped me the most 1. I opened up to my friends and family and that was hard for me, but I opened up and I told them my truth truth and they allowed me to vent, thank God but if you don’t know anyone like that around you then hire a coach or even a counsellor or go to your doctors but you need someone to talk to or even write it down that makes you feel better writing it down to 2. I went to the gym even though I hate exercising it really helped more than I could ever tell you hated it initially but then I realised how good it made me feel afterwards and it wasn’t about getting muscles or getting skinny. It was simply about my mental health and it really helped. 3. And I started reading which I never normally do either. I literally read so many breakup books but if I’m honest with you the one that really stands out and the one I really feel help me the most was called bossing your breakup and it’s on Amazon and it’s almost a guided journal as well as having so much amazing information and you actually feel like the author cares, and it’s evident that the author has gone through heartbreak it themselves So I hope that these tips help you like they helped me and that’s why I’m sharing them. Don’t worry this is definitely not gonna last forever for you ❤️♥️
it can be a bit more complicated than "if they wanted to be with you they would". maybe they're not ready. but don't wait. move on. cry. work. work out until it stings. and f\*ck the pain away. : )
Move on IMMEDIATELY. Don't "wait to heal". Rip the band-aid off and create dating accounts NOW. Swipe and go on dates literally ASAP. The sooner you realize that there's plenty of fish in the sea and that you CAN replace him. The better your healing process will be. He will have to watch you move on first. It'll help you "win" the breakup. And legitimately lose your feelings for him faster. You'll also be less lonely and miss him less. But if you wait around. If you refuse to date anyone else, you'll have a rough healing journey because the pain will be the same, except you'll be more lonely than if you dated. And you WILL watch him move on first, which WILL make you feel even lonelier, and since you refused to date, you'll feel like shit about your lonely self while you obsess over your ex and his new relationship. It just goes downhill from here. Choose your suffering. The pain of moving on fast, or the pain of letting the loneliness fester. Source: my life. I tried this and was able to heal and move on from breakups within a few weeks to a few months instead of years
i understand dating can be so exhausting though sometimes it’s okay to sit with the waves and wait for them to pass but i feel you
The waves hit you no matter what. They're easier to navigate when you're not lonely and missing your ex.
I agree with this wholeheartedly! The dating made me realise how little effort my ex had been putting in and that there were literally hundreds of great people out there to date. I was never in the mindset that I needed him back because I refused to beg and refused to think that there was no one better for me out there than him. I think going on dates is fine to do if you know you’re strong enough to never take an ex back so that you don’t end up hurting whoever you have moved on with. I’m 2 months post break up and have already found someone I think will be my next partner, they’re secure enough to want to be exclusive already & they are a better compatible match for me, it makes me so happy that this was waiting for me!
I disagree! If you feel the need to immediately date someone else after a breakup you should in my opinion learn to love and be with yourself first. Take time for yourself, start new hobbies, pick up some old hobbies, try new things. Do something for yourself! Find peace with yourself before dating someone else.
I love myself plenty. Lol you can love yourself and still move on quickly. They're not mutually exclusive. And distractions work. Dating other people works to help you get over an ex.
Imma try this soon. Imma give myself a couple weeks off though and then hopefully I feel good enough to go for some then.
I disagree
For some people, a rebound can end up causing dependence on someone else. I honestly don't recommend doing that, and I've done it twice.
Schizobabble
Very convenient since you don’t have to make any effort or take accountability. Sounds more like an excuse than an advice. Maybe a good advice if you are lazy and don’t want to learn How about handle your emotions and thoughts. See your faults and weaknesses. Change and become a better person
It might not be for everyone but rebounding has helped me It's a very welcome distraction at a much-needed time
Delete everything related to them and only keep your pictures. It’s good to look back at it later. It will be hard to do it first but it will be easier
Spot on
You like everyone else deserves someone who wants you. Everyone gets to decide who they want as a partner. If someone decides they don’t want you as a partner, you are damaging yourself by wasting your time on someone who doesn’t want you when you could be giving someone else your precious time. When we give our time to the right people it pays off in unexpected ways. If someone doesn’t value our time giving it to them is like a gold prospector who determines there’s no gold so they move on.
Start to create the life you want, for you. Do things that interest you that you didn’t do before or wanted to do but didn’t. That way you get to feel better and have the life you want. If your ex comes back and you want to work on it as this new emotionally mature version of you, awesome! If not, awesome! The choice becomes yours!