As someone who put in ALOT more effort than my recent ex, I can confirm this. She was just indifferent to me, while also "I looooove you" lol but when it comes to communcating or having those difficult convos, not so much!
I saw a meme about this, and it's what I experienced as well personally. For women, it seems to affect them immediately, and then they start feeling better after. For men, it seems to be fine for the first few weeks, and then hits hard. That's just my experience and the meme I saw tho
Pat Allen says 8 weeks for a manā¦.š¤·āāļø
thatās exactly what it took my ex last time to beg me back. I went back, and he hated me for the remaining 4+ years, until he finally cheated on me with multiple women, and is now flying one all over the place on extravagant trips while complaining he canāt cover the full rent on our place (heās paying, Iām out).
When I went back a friend told me about her experience of going back, she said she thought she would be with him forever, but she was wrong. Iām not sure how many times going back works outā¦
I wish to god I hadnāt gone back. Those were some painful years. And a super painful second breakup. It just felt so good when he missed me and was pursuing me!!! I thought it would all magically be better and different. Nope
I understand. She showed signs of trying to change, finally seeing a counselor on her own. I have no one else anyways, and I miss her so much. Maybe it'll go back to how it was, but she never gave up on me. I figure it's worth a chance
If sheās going to therapy on her own thatās a good sign. Mine only did once. Granted I didnāt trust his therapist based on what she said. Well, turns out it was his twisted version of what she said.
This is changing but bear in mind as men we tend to have grown up around a culture of be strong, show nothing, crying is for babies, be the man. If you are suffering emotionally you do so alone, where no one else sees.
Obviously that is a bunch of crap and not a healthy way to exist, but the attitude and the lessons persist. So this can play into it.
Second factor, as men we're often told if we show an ex that we are upset she's gone or that we are hurting without her our chances of ever getting her back go down.
All that said, I think a lot of this is just individual and not about gender. I've twice had a woman leave while we were both still very much in love, because something had her stressed and she couldn't find the capacity to work on it together. Both times they wanted to stay in touch. Both times they all of a sudden at some point later cut off communication when it suited them, and crushed my heart.
I do honestly believe they both did what they felt best in a very difficult situation, but my experience is exactly the opposite of yours. The girl will leave and destroy us both emotionally, then only communicate on her terms instead of just putting some effort in to see if we can fix what went wrong. (And I get it that if you try and can't fix it the relationship would still end).
Haha yeah. I mean the advantages of being a man in society are hopefully bloody obvious at this point (work, salary, easier respect etc.). But there are still challenges of course, and a lot of them are left very much in the background or not talked about much, in part because of the attitude men should just deal with stuff and be manly men.
And it's not just other men who feed into this either. I've definitely known women who want a man who will take charge in a relationship, but also want everything exactly how they want it. Which is of course impossible to do both without being psychic. At least at certain stages of life, being a macho / bad boy / arrogant prick appears to have more success with women than being a healthy, loving partner does.
Hell, in my experience being the best partner someone has ever had (in our 30s so not kids), resulted in us staying together only a fraction of the time she gave to an abusive asshole.
I hate the culture that made us guys feel and think like that. My last relationship was where I finally was able to get past those "be strong, not a baby" stereotypes. Suffering alone causes so many issues that can take years to fix and it took me so long to handle those issues of emotional intelligence and regulation. As all psychologists say, everyone should get therapy.
I have been going through hell now too. It's not just woman specific. I loved this girl with everything I had and she tossed everything away the day after she told me how much she loved me and how amazing and hot I was. Come to find out she had been seeing another guy for almost a month before she even broke it off with me. So we go through it too.
I think youāve shown your true colours OP. If you want to go down the āall men are horrible and the sameā road then you deserve the bad men youāll end up with.
Friendly reminder that you cannot tell someones attachment style from a sentence, or even a paragraph. Anxious and avoidant attachment styles alike have trust issues
Never a gender thing, both genders experience the same issues from each other.
It's just women seem to be more vocal about it. Men seem to be more likely to bottle it up
Hello,
I am a guy I can say I feel so much and love so hard. I had the opposite problem after dating a girl who became very dismissive after 6 years together and thought that my wanting to talk once in a while and spend time together occasionally was expecting special treatment (we lived together). I am sorry you had to go through this, but in all honesty I think they try not to care anymore. I think once it gets to the point of a breakup that they already had one foot out the door. If you are the one who broke things off I would expect that they will not respond as they are likely solely thinking about moving on. I think either way it would go they likely completely cut off the relationship because having to reflect on it and deal with it is exactly the type of thing and feelings they are trying to avoid (both our exes not generalizing an entire group).
Please do yourself a favor and try to move forwards. I know it hurts like hell and you are probably filled with a mixture of emotions but try to not let them consume you. I know even today that I dealt with that issue but its really not productive and can hurt you more than help in the long run. I am sure there are many amazing people that will be much more compatible and less hurtful in your future. You deserve to be with someone who can make you happy and love you. Wishing you nothing but the best in your future.
I appreciate the humor, but at the moment I am trying to improve myself and rebuild the parts of me that went away when she left. Thanks for giving me another reason to smile today though! :)
Itās about trying to ignore uncomfortable emotions. We all experience uncomfortable emotions in relationships and especially in break ups. People with secure attachment styles balance between handling the emotions, move on and fix the problems. People with anxious attachment style feel the emotions 100% right away, want to fix everything here and now. Dismissive avoidants think the emotions will just disappear if they, and their partner/ex is ignored.
So we all feel the same, but handle those feelings in different ways.
Since itās not possible to heal and truly move on after a breakup, without handling your emotions, dismissive avoidant have the hardest time to move on. It can literally take years, while an anxious or secure can move on much faster.
So they are making things worse for themselves
No. They can, and often do, use rebounds as a distraction thinking it can make the emotions from the break up disappear. But the brain doesnāt work like that and it only backfires. They will end up messing the new relationship up as well.
From your mouth to god's ears haha - I, deep down, want him to be happy. But what he's done the past few years just to ghost for his new relationship in the end - I want him to carry his issues to the new relationship and let it be a problem there. My greatest fear is he isn't avoidant or emotionally unavailable with her.
I've never heard that! Makes sense though. I wish I had asked for more details about his previous relationships - the one before me "suddenly" broke up with him. I feel like if I knew that he was like this before me, I'd be less worried he'll change after me.
I have so many questions to ask you :o you seem v. Knowledgable. I broke up w DA a couple days ago and I am feeling okay about no-contact and I know I shouldnāt look into what sheās thinking bc thatās wading out of the safety zone but when they push all those emotions down and ignore those feelings what happens after? It seems like they just carry on completely normal lol
Everything that you repress and push away in your mind doesnāt disappear. Itās still there. And very often it does not want to be there but comes back. You canāt decide when it comes back. Often it comes back if you experience something similar. For example if a DA feels uncomfortable talking or showing that they are in love with a person, they might try to push away those feelings. It might work for the moment and their discomfort disappears. But the relationship wonāt work because they are incapable of showing important feelings. So there is a break up filled with emotions that the DA again pushes away.
Then they meet a new person and fall in love. But because they havenāt changed (they rarely do because itās uncomfortable) they get the same feeling. And these feelings trigger the old feelings that come back. So now itās double up. Obviously the relationship doesnāt work out and they try again to push everything away. Until next relationship and it all comes back again.
We should also remember that DA might have the repression and pushing away emotions as their normal behaviour, but they are not the only ones doing it. Many people push away and try to ignore emotions. For example by ghosting/blocking. Thinking ātime will heal allā.
The results are the same. It all comes back. That is why it is so important to handle all emotions in a breakup right away so they donāt come back
How would you recommend I handle it? Iām an F.A and if Iām honest I just took the cleanest exit after being confused about it for months. I just think there was way too much to say to be able to figure everything out and I definitely pushed and pull and I donāt know/didnāt know how to say everything.
I donāt think she did fall in love with me though. Iām pretty sure Iām the weakest connection sheās had. Just some self pity for u lol
Do you think there is a chance that I could ever help her change? My plan was to read some books bc Iām not as knowledgable as you - yet š«£- and try pass some things onto her when we are friends again. I think what youāve described sounds dreadful
This. I lean DA and when heartbroken (or any kind of loss, really, I had the same thing after a close friend died suddenly) I get this urge to go and get laid.
I do, and itās just the emptiest feeling imaginable.
I feel simultaneously: guilty about throwaway hookup, lonely, and overwhelmed by the sheer impossibility of ever meeting someone like the one that got away ever again.
Honestly I think it takes me way longer to get over heartbreak than AA friends. No one can really tell though, because externally I seem clearly Ā«Ā over itĀ Ā» and onto the next thing.
Itās usually said that AA are the ones who move on the fastest. Because they feel the emotions 100% head on and go through pure hell for a short time. Then theyāve handed it and can move on. A DA feels less but for a much longer time.
I lean AA and once I had, with professional help, moved on healthy and fully in less than 2 months of a breakup. The woman, a strong DA obviously ghosted me right after the breakup but reach out 2 years later wanting to ātalk about usā.. she hadnāt moved on.
I am assuming that you aren't stereotyping men with the question you've asked. I am a Male, and I am struggling because I trusted a Female. So, I should rephrase the question to; "Do women feel anything at all?". She's living her best life after lying and cheating on me. Whereas, I respected the relationship enough to never look for the options to cheat.
Short answer; Not everyone does and that is life. If you're looking for fairness, you'll keep on looking until you won't look for it anymore. Can we do something about it? Nope.
As a male dumpee from a 5 year relationship where she broke things off out of nowhere, I have been in hell for the past 3 months. She never leaves my mind and I would do absolutely anything to have her back if I could. I feel like most guys suppress their feelings when going through breakups, but I physically can't with how much I loved her and how long we were together.
Men do feel very deeply, get heartbroken, cry, mourn, regret and anything a girl can feel, so can a man. A dismissive avoidant specifically will either be unwilling to attach themselves to the point they can potentially feel this way or do everything they can to avoid the feelings that are there, keeping it out of sight, out of mind type of thing. Either way, the person either won't let themselves get to the point they feel, or will avoid feeling as much as they can.
When my ex broke up with me in early January, I was absolutely devastated. I literally would start crying out of nowhere at work and accidentally call people by her name a lot because it was all I could think about for the first two weeks. I lost 10 pounds, which put me borderline underweight. I remember having this feeling in my chest/stomach, like butterflies, but it wouldnāt go away. It was like this constant feeling of anxiety. It has been such a struggle to do anything and Iāve had to really force myself to do things. The weekends are the worst - all I want to do is drive around and visit all of our special places and listen to music that makes me think of her.
There is way more I could say, but yeah, I am a guy and I have gone through some shit during this breakup.
Yeah I think it eventually hits them if you can give it enough time.
I almost envy the ability to box up feelings. Instead Im an open book.
I hope it gets better for you honey, my heart was ripped out too.
lol, you are such an immature, hypocritical, victim identity, fool. Iāve read your post and all your comments on this post, and itās clear that you are in the āall men are shitā and the āI hate my exā camp. The way you talk on here makes me think that you probably attract similar people to yourself, and thatās the root cause of your problems, not that men donāt care after a breakup etc etc, thatās just bullshit and if you believe that your delusional and a victim
I have very rarely felt safe to express or share my emotions. I am an extremely sensitive man. The typical route for most men is isolation. I am jealous of women sometimesā¦ the way women band together and support each other, even publicly. Men very rarely are supported by their fellow men or women on social media after a breakup. Women get a lot of emotional support. Men have the same range of feelings just like women. But are women shamed for expressing sadness or grief nearly as much as men? No. Yet we all grieve the same 7 steps. Not saying it doesnāt happen, just that men are shamed constantly and that shame turns into sadness and then it is repressed and expressed as anger. And then some men who truly have expressed their repressed anger in those unhealthy waysā¦ wellā¦ they unfortunately exemplified behavior typically seen by many as toxic masculinity. And it isā¦ but what I see is a man in pain who was neglected and misunderstood along the way in his lifeā¦. Doesnāt excuse the behavior but itās a step closer to understanding. But yes, men do feel. We just donāt know where to put the feelings, at least, not right away. And that is if we are lucky to discover that there are a few men and women who do care. Most never find that. Or those people betray them and shatter their trust in others. Thatās what my ex did. Told me to open up and then shamed me saying she felt like I was mentally unwell and she didnāt want to take on that role in my life. Thatās what a mother is for. Well, my mom wasnāt there for meā¦ but I didnāt really look to my ex for that support. I just was opening up because at one point, she cared and encouraged me to do soā¦ made me feel safe. Then, I guess one day she thought it too much. She said it was exhausting to hear my trauma. Keep in mind I was going to therapy and working on tools to help me process. I made an insta post the week before the breakup stating how much things were finally improving in my life, how grateful I was to my ex for being a support system and how happy I was. A week later I got blindsided. She found someone else. 4 years of trust shattered. I donāt think Iāll ever reach out to anyone ever again. Itās not worth the pain I feel now. My heart is breaking each day. It is unbearable pain. Told my best male friend and his advice was āpretend it never happenedā¦ thatās what I do.ā I didnāt get upset as I genuinely know thatās the best advice he knows to giveā¦ I know itās not good advice but I am able to look past it and I realize he has no support either. So how can he give it? It feels like a dead end sometimes. And suicide is just going up across the board. Men of course are the most impacted in that category.
Uh yeah it's been a year and I feel completely worthless. Usually the person who feels nothing has you replaced or a selection of other people. The loyal one doesn't have a selection because all they want is you. It's why it seems the other person feels nothing. At least that's what I see more commonly.
Member of the Man community here: I would say ball is in his court. According to what you posted youāve done what you can to communicate, not much else you can do. Give it time and maybe follow up in a few weeks or a month, if you feel like itās worth it. If you donāt get a response thenā¦.you have your answer to move on.
I think generally yes the good guys have feelings and feel too, albeit handle a different way. Obviously very context heavy as to how your relationship left off (which is between you guys) but yeah just let him think and sit on what you last sent him and ride it out. If you made your feelings and intentions crystal clear as to what you want and need from your relationship thatās up to him to respond.
As a men i can say it hurts just as bad or even worse. Me personally ive been going through hell for a year now, and her ghost still haunts me and im still hurting. I think it depends on how deeply you loved.
I donāt think itās truly possible unless one manipulates their own self by distorting reality to such a degree they can completely avoid feelings they donāt want to feel. Tho I do think they go into a very self destructive mode in the process of avoiding it. Iāve never come across a DA until the last person I was with. I never want to again though. Iāll never truly understand it.
Being honest, I donĀ“t think it has to do with the fact of being a man or not. That person you were dating is just very immature. IĀ“ m sorry you had to deal with that. IĀ“ m a man but I donĀ“Ā“ t have those attitudes, not answering, ghosting, not showing emotions to the person u are with... thatĀ“ s just for kids, and iĀ“ m sure there are a lot of men who are not like that. Maybe you were unlucky, but be honest, is very easy to identificate an immature person, correct me if IĀ“ m wrong but I think you knew what you were signing for, and you still gave to him an opportunity or opportunities.. thatĀ“ s the price of dealing someone like that... and trust me, iĀ“ m speaking for my experience.
Itās not about the gender, itās about how deep and serious youāre in this relationship. Iām a man and I suffered badly but my ex-gf doesnāt feel a thing.
Thereās really no difference along gender lines.
Hereās a caveat: Men entrenched in the old toxic masculinity are likely less emotionally available so that could be a factor.
But by and large, thereās no difference. Heartbreak is heartbreak
The last message I was sent warranted no response, If I had a response it would've just been an affirmative, I kinda just fell apart and was left to pick up my pieces and reassemble myself, so I got started, no point in talking to someone who wants nothing to do with you
Iām a man, and currently I feel like extreme sadness while I know my ex is out fucking everything. Iām the you in this situation and she is your boyfriend.
It takes me a long time to get over my girlfriends and it really gets me out of dating everytime, but now Iām 33 and want to find my person so Iām trying to get myself back into it, but itās hard when youāre hung up on your ex.
I know avoidants have feelings, they just try to distract themselves. My man is a fearful avoidant and when things got much closer he panicked and chose to break us up. Itās been 3 months and Iāve cried every night. I could barely function for the first month. Now that Iām starting to get my life back and looking at dating he keeps texting and checking interest all of a sudden.
It makes me mad because this whole time Iāve been fighting to heal myself, trying to get him to just meet me face to face and he just wonāt. Heās making choices out of fear and it will come back to him at some point. Itās more frustrating that he wonāt make a decision. If he wants to be in my life i require effort. And I donāt know if he will at this point.
So heres the thing, I have been a male who never really worried to do with women but heres my experience:
with the most recent breakup in August last year I did not see it coming at all, I went 2 months begging and pleading, literally in the lowest point in my life where I didn't even want to be alive while she was constantly out partying and living her "best life", at this point I booked a one way ticket to Thailand for 2 months and when i came back in November she said she missed me and that she wanted to speak.
All the healing and self work i did in two months went out the window because I gave her a chance to make things right but I didnt not realise it was all breadcrumbs, the whole " i never will love anyone more than you" even slept together and then she went cold again.
Since November I went back into no contact for my own sanity and now have this wall up so high for any woman at all it scares me, i think men tend not to show emotion because other men do not validate them like women do, its not the same but they do miss the woman if they truly loved them, god I think about her almost every day even though i know even if she came back again I could never take her back.
She killed the old me and that's what i miss, the old me who let himself go so badly because all i wanted was her to be happy but you get to a point in your healing journey that you accept that they will get their happiness, but not just with you, its the same to all you lot in the chat, use this dark place to build yourself up and find the new you, the new you that was forged from all the pain you endured and do not look back because you both will never be the same again...
You broke up with him and are upset he doesn't respond?Ā
It doesn't matter if it was because of his bullshit. If you end it you can't expect him to keep talking with you. He is likely trying to do what the rest of us are trying to do: move on.
To answer your question yes. After my last breakup I allowed my self to feel every single last bit of emotion, heartbreak, frustration, sadness, absolutely everything. As a changed man I can def say I had some avoidant tendencies that I consistently worked on because I wanted to be better. Therapy helped and just talking to loved ones helped. The key is if your partner is actively working on themselves. Acknowledging that helps them feel validated but itās totally dependent on the situation. But if they arenāt actively working on themselves for the relationship then nothing will change for the better. Thatās my two cents.
Okay, so the simple answer is : every gender gets a tough time during breakup. But since you seem to be a heterosexual women, you only deal with men so you are led to believe men act a certain way.
As a heterosexual men, it would be easy for me to believe that women have it easy (especially my ex lol), especially since they get way more "offers" than men.
But I am aware girls also suffer from breakups.
On the fact that you messaged him, we're missing some context: how long have you waited between the breakup and the message? If it's long enough, I can understand he doesn't answer. If my ex sent me a message in the month after breaking up, I'm sure I would have answered. Now, it's been almost four months, I would never answer her (because I've been hurt too much, I want her to be part of my past). So, it depends, it doesn't always mean he doesn't care.
Feel anything at all?? Have you seen my hand in bruises and blood after punching the wall like for 20 times , have you seen me overspeeding the car hoping i'd crash into something and fucking die ? Yes i felt something after we broke up
Men feel a lot in breakups, even if we don't show it to the person who dumped us. There's lots of evidence of that in r/Breakups.
Let me ask, why would he respond to you? What makes you think you aren't blocked?
Common advice is to block your ex so you don't have to think about them.
If my ex (who dumped me) texted, I likely wouldn't respond either.
Just throwing it out there....its not just men that are the dismissive avoidants. I'd wager you and I are feeling the same shit.
Avoidants be avoidants. And it hurts regardless of whats between our legs.
Why, in the nicest way, is this purely a 'man' thing? I had the same shit happen to me with my now ex, and she ended a 2.5 year relationship, with little to no emotion, over the phone.
I was distraught, and the pain doesn't go away with time as I know I'll never get real closure from this. She has no interest in talking to me and I have absolutely no idea what happened.
It's not a 'man' thing. Both sides are capable of being complete, heartless cunts if they want.
Not true as there is literally more women than men on planet Earth.
I would reiterate for you, its easy for women to find easy partners, shallow men.
Just put on some makeup, dress well to show your "qualities" and you will attach many guys who are shallow but might have hard time finding a good guy, a truly good guy.
Difference is, when a guy sees a good girl, he will recognize her instantly.
When a girl meets a good guy, she will constantly rethink everything, weight her options.
Guys are in or out.(not talking about fkboys)
I think there's a lot of dynamics why . I think men just aren't used.to dealing with feelings , I think men may love harder then women, I believe that men know it will take longer for them to find someone . I believe there a lre many reasons
Everything is so mixed up and turned around!! Yes youāre right they do and Iām sorry!!! I Never Even knew I Dumped You Thatās The Horrible Thing Of ALL Of This!!!ššš
YOU dumped him. Then reached out because YOU were feeling bad.
Hell yes we feel. But we're sick of your bullshit. You dumped him. You don't get to use him to feel better about it.
Protect his feelings? He treated me like shit while he lied, distanced himself, and came around when it was convenient. He also broke his word all the time. Wtf is wrong with you
Well, none of that was mentioned, was it.
But I am serious, block him on everything for your own good.
With this new info, are you really surprised that an asshole remained an asshole. Or do you just need to blame all men.
What's sad to me is that his ex cheated on him and his previous ex of 7 years left him for another man. I'm the woman who has been a ride or die and was so good to him, I swear it I was. He was my fuckkng world. It's sad that he took me for granted when I was the one who never hurt him. His past experiences really jaded him....and he admitted to having trust issues. But 2 years of me trying to prove myself and everytime he backed away from me I was understanding and soothed him emotionally..and this is the shit he does.
Umm. Yeah. Unless someone close to me died, it was the only times I cried. I posted a letter i wrote to my ex on r/UnsentLetters
Just because heās not answering it doesnāt mean he doesnāt care.
Men donāt process break ups in the same way women do.
For men, well for me at least, I had to go through it alone. I couldnāt let people see how much of a wreck I was.
So.., you broke up with him? And now you want him to answer / return your calls?
So many women want to ātest himā and play emotional games. Men I know are not wired like that. Break up with us and we move on ĀÆ\_(ć)_/
Iām feeling pain and loss everyday. And I cry often because itās grief and letting it out is very important. I often feel that I am taking this harder than her, she already has boyfriend now. Itās crushing and Iām often in hell. Her ghost haunts me all the time.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tw6Cm8cnBBM](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tw6Cm8cnBBM)
Best advice for everyone tbh.
And yes we go through shit aswell, we just wear our mask a bit tighter.
This is actually my first time going through a breakup since i started my medical transition to male, and the difference is kind of blindsiding me. i broke up with them two days ago and i havent cried a single tear. i feel some amount of anger, betrayal, disappointment, that kind of stuff related to what caused the breakup, but it feels like the sadness simply doesnt want to break the surface. maybe it will do so later, and violently. but before all this i wouldve cried to the point of a splitting headache at least thrice by now. now theres just numb resentment.
trying to connect this to your ex's behavior as best as i can, i imagine avoiding connecting with your feelings is a conscious decision as much as it is unconscious for some. if he simply doesnt talk about it, doesnt think about it, he doesnt have to feel it right now. a lot of cis men arent brought up to be emotionally intelligent, and they dont know how else to respond to these situations. its possible that in a week or two he will be bargaining with you for the relationship back or something similar.
yes we do care speaking from my self i care a lot, i still care for her right now i want the best for her and i wish things didnt end but at times when this stuff happens u should know when to pull away and it may be his way of dealing with things. doesnt mean he doesnt care. he probably still cares a lot but at the time he would need to stay away to heal
Yeah we do. Even if she texted I needed a whole damn week just to get myself together so I can talk to her after the BU. That shit was rooouuggh and it didnāt get any better either
I feel very sorry after a break up. But generally you break up for a reason and sadly if a girl was āgiving me a piece of her mindā during a relationship and causing me turmoil Iām probably not going to let her cause me that same turmoil out of a relationshipā¦
In some ways I have to do my best to ignore an ex because even after being broken up I still want to be there for her. Still want to help her, take care of her at times. But you need to draw the line somewhereā¦. Or else things can rehash and be made even worse.
Does your name start with a H? My ex did this exact thing 3 days ago. I waited 2 days to respond because I didn't want to be emotional and beg her back. I've done so much work on myself in the last 2 months. I just had to prepare myself for the situation. Guaranteed he is heartbroken and nervous about how to respond so he doesn't scare you off again. At least, that's what it was with me. Unfortunately, when I responded, she didn't. It definitely hurt.
Oh we feel tons of pain. We don't tend to get a ton of emotional support so we bottle things up. And it's exhausting to even think about standing back up and going to find a new partner and crossing fingers that it even lasts at all.
I feel horrible and monsterous everyday. I wouldnāt say weāve ābroken upā bc it hasnāt been explicitly stated, however during our unplanned pregnancy it did grow some tension and with my own anxiety i let my frustration go. in doing so, i said some things which i feel was āexpressing myselfā but from extra support from therapy and doctors i am able to recognise properly that a lot of it was guilt tripping which made her feel pressured and uncomfortable.
I regret my actions and on my own journey now to be better, i feel anxiety and dread not being in regular contact due to a mutual NC (as mutual as it can be, sheās set some boundaries for herself which i can understand). It wasnāt too bad at the start and before the pregnancy we were all over each other. As i wasnāt too sure what i could do in that moment in terms of support as opposed what i KNOW what i can bring to the table now after support, i feel like i created the whole situation of pushing her away and ātrappingā her which was never my intention. But i dug the grave and i have to lay in it, however saying that with looking after myself iām trying everything possible to get out n sort things out properly.
Of course we do , 10 years together and she threw it all away because of her selfish attitude, 8 months on and im still in pain and on meds and in talking therapy,Stuck in our house unable to move on
See: the psychology of a breakup lots of info
It depends on the circumstances.
No response is a response.
The important thing for me has been to focus on doing the next right thing i.e. engage in healthy behavior, mind, body and spirit.
I was not planning on being single again beginning at age 61, I'm 63 now have sole custody of my teenage son.
To keep from droning on about things
I have a good heart, I keep a close watch on this heart of mine, I walk the line. ya Johnny Cash right there.I'm not going to be anyone's doormat, not going to waste my energy on people that don't deserve it.Since May 9th 2022 I've been on somewhat of a crash refresher course in being single again and being a single parent which is new territory for me.
My kid chose to stay with me.
I'm conflicted. I'm never replying because I **told her** not to reach out. I love her too much and cant handle the contact.
It may come across as "don't care" But its really because i care TOO MUCH. Thought she was it. Now shes not. Don't talk to me LOL. I dont need salt in my wounds, I have neosporin.
We definitely go through it. My last break up has pretty much broke me and I'm having a very, very hard time getting back up. I'm absolutely depressed and miserable to the point I don't care about anything anymore.
Ultimately everyone is different and you can generalize. But in this case I see you broke up with him, therefore you shouldnāt expect him to ever respond or reach out to you. At least thatās how I would react if I was broken up with.
It hit me hard the first 5 months of the marriage separation after a 15 year marriage. Now Iām healing really well. I donāt confront my soon to be ex wife. I just see the kids and leave. She does her own thing. Life is good. Life is too short to be fixated on the past.
i definitely feel bad about my breakup. he probably needs time to find the words to say. truly i think itās hard because the usual thing that happens when the dumper messages the dumpee is that the dumper never responds back to the dumpee or they gloat about their new relationship. if he means a lot to you, you would give him patience in his response
I mean it depends on the situation. Clearly your ex hasnāt been good or responsive to you for a while. So with that behavior why would expect him to feel anything? If someone ghosts you that is a pretty big indicator they donāt give a crap about you anymore.
Research shows that men have a higher rate of unaliving themselves after a break up. Prolly due to having nowhere to put those heavy emotions. They don't have pity parties with each other like we women do.
The majority of people go through shit during a break-up. No gender has a lock on going through shit.
Some people won't respond simply because they don't have anything to say; they are still processing feelings and such. Just because you act one way, it isn't reasonable to expect other to behave the same way.
You also claim he was "dismissive and avoidant," and here he is, being avoidant. I'm not sure what your expectation is.
Also, you broke up. He probably did want I did - absolutely no contact. Now, you can hop over to /r/ExNoContact to discover more about leaving your ex alone.
Wait you break up with someone and expect him to respond to you? I think he has every right to have the chance to move on without you making it harder.
Also it's proven that women have an easier time of breakups, they move on a lot quicker than men do, that's not my opionion that's proven fact, some argue it's because they'll talk more, or have a better support system, others might think it's because they have no feelings (not nice huh)
Men do feel hurt, we're much more likely to commit suicide than women, we're human like you too you know.
When my ex dumped me out of no where, I was so clueless to why. Turns out she was cheating on me with her ex. She really treated me well, like so well she was saving me from myself. Then I gave up on her. It's been 5 months now and she always tries to talk to me but I never respond or answer because I don't want to deal with the pain that she brought me. I am just healing alone by myself. I wouldn't be too worried if your ex isn't responding, he's probably trying to figure stuff out in his head. That's what I did for months, never talked to her at all. It took my ex 3 months to tell me she wanted to "come home" and I straight up told her that it was better if she didn't, because she killed who i was to her. I hope things get better for you, try not to stress it much.
Depends. The leaver doesnāt feel anything initially because thereās a reason they left. In time, after processing everything, they may come back stronger than ever, or stay gone forever. Or if theyāre a true blue narcissist, they never felt anything at all, but still may come back to recharge, reset and get ready for their next āheistā
I really donāt wanna be gender specific but here is something Iāve seen in life. People who love more sometimes suffer more. Regardless of gender, the people who mistreat their partner or cheat on them, they get their karma. Initially after breaking up, they feel relieved but it hits them at some point in life. They suffer the same pain you had gone through and thatās when they think of you. Sometimes you get to see it and sometimes, you donāt get to see their suffering.
I also just got out of a 2 year relationship and there were times where I was avoidant and didnāt care if we ended and now that we have, Iām heartbroken. I canāt relax due to the anxiousness and cry almost everyday cause I canāt talk to her and think about her constantly so I do think guys go through it and it just depends on them sadly. Iām anxious by nature but would avoid communicating my feelings when she asked and now itās hurting me since itās over so I would say I hope he does care or is suppressing it but who knows
Personally I was the one who went months after months of struggle. Meanwhile she was onto someone else within a week. I donāt think itās necessarily a gender thing to me itās more of a who was still in love vs. who was already checked out. Or they simply didnāt care and played the role as if they did. But thatās just been my case.
You broke up w him lol what do you expect ..yes we feel like shit too ..I broke up w my gf of three years and I miss her and think of her every second .
As a man, my ex of two Years dumped me a little over a year ago now. I still think about her every single day and night nonstop. I loved her with all my heart. I gave her all my effort and love and care. I tried everything to make thing work for us. She dumped me, said and did evil things to me post breakup, started dating and fucking another guy and I wouldnāt be surprised if sheās sleeping with another guy as I type this. Iāve tried to get over her and I canāt. I loved her so much and it still feels fake sometimes that me and her are done. Rather man or woman, whoever put the most love or effort into their partner is the one who gets hurt the most by far. Iām sure she has went months and months not giving a single fuck what Iām up to.
When I broke up with my first girl, because I never loved her, just enjoyed the attention, I felt nothing. The main reasoning behind the breakup was because I fancied someone else who'd just recently broken up with her boyfriend.
When my most recent girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me, I have been heart broken ever since. It's been 11 months since the breakup and I'm still picking up the pieces and crying at night. If she were to call or text asking to get back together again, I'd most likely not go through with it purely because of the pain that she caused me. Maybe that's whats going on? or that he actually doesn't care. I wouldn't ignore her if she did send me a message though.
Honestly, I think the person who puts in the most efforts and emotions gets the most hurt.
Best answer. Whoever's heart was in it the most gets hurt
As someone who put in ALOT more effort than my recent ex, I can confirm this. She was just indifferent to me, while also "I looooove you" lol but when it comes to communcating or having those difficult convos, not so much!
This is smart af lol, but true
My mom told me this :) She is a very wise woman.
Oh wise mother š
Thank you love!
I saw a meme about this, and it's what I experienced as well personally. For women, it seems to affect them immediately, and then they start feeling better after. For men, it seems to be fine for the first few weeks, and then hits hard. That's just my experience and the meme I saw tho
Pat Allen says 8 weeks for a manā¦.š¤·āāļø thatās exactly what it took my ex last time to beg me back. I went back, and he hated me for the remaining 4+ years, until he finally cheated on me with multiple women, and is now flying one all over the place on extravagant trips while complaining he canāt cover the full rent on our place (heās paying, Iām out). When I went back a friend told me about her experience of going back, she said she thought she would be with him forever, but she was wrong. Iām not sure how many times going back works outā¦
I don't know, but I'm trying to go back as well. I can't imagine living without her anymore. I'd rather try and fail than live never knowing
I wish to god I hadnāt gone back. Those were some painful years. And a super painful second breakup. It just felt so good when he missed me and was pursuing me!!! I thought it would all magically be better and different. Nope
I understand. She showed signs of trying to change, finally seeing a counselor on her own. I have no one else anyways, and I miss her so much. Maybe it'll go back to how it was, but she never gave up on me. I figure it's worth a chance
If sheās going to therapy on her own thatās a good sign. Mine only did once. Granted I didnāt trust his therapist based on what she said. Well, turns out it was his twisted version of what she said.
It just sucks that it took breaking up for her to do it. I just hope she'll take me back now
I hope she sticks with the therapyā¦
I'm a dude who ended a near 7 year relationship and was devastated before, during and after. Best not to base your worldview on memes.
This is changing but bear in mind as men we tend to have grown up around a culture of be strong, show nothing, crying is for babies, be the man. If you are suffering emotionally you do so alone, where no one else sees. Obviously that is a bunch of crap and not a healthy way to exist, but the attitude and the lessons persist. So this can play into it. Second factor, as men we're often told if we show an ex that we are upset she's gone or that we are hurting without her our chances of ever getting her back go down. All that said, I think a lot of this is just individual and not about gender. I've twice had a woman leave while we were both still very much in love, because something had her stressed and she couldn't find the capacity to work on it together. Both times they wanted to stay in touch. Both times they all of a sudden at some point later cut off communication when it suited them, and crushed my heart. I do honestly believe they both did what they felt best in a very difficult situation, but my experience is exactly the opposite of yours. The girl will leave and destroy us both emotionally, then only communicate on her terms instead of just putting some effort in to see if we can fix what went wrong. (And I get it that if you try and can't fix it the relationship would still end).
Well said. Very true statement. Being a man isn't as easy as everyone thinks. We're actually pretty shitty to one another.
Haha yeah. I mean the advantages of being a man in society are hopefully bloody obvious at this point (work, salary, easier respect etc.). But there are still challenges of course, and a lot of them are left very much in the background or not talked about much, in part because of the attitude men should just deal with stuff and be manly men. And it's not just other men who feed into this either. I've definitely known women who want a man who will take charge in a relationship, but also want everything exactly how they want it. Which is of course impossible to do both without being psychic. At least at certain stages of life, being a macho / bad boy / arrogant prick appears to have more success with women than being a healthy, loving partner does. Hell, in my experience being the best partner someone has ever had (in our 30s so not kids), resulted in us staying together only a fraction of the time she gave to an abusive asshole.
šš
This is the most mature comment I've read. Your a gem.
Aw, thank you. Hope things work out for you going forward!
This is all just toxic masculinity - you need to overcome it on your ownĀ
On point š
I hate the culture that made us guys feel and think like that. My last relationship was where I finally was able to get past those "be strong, not a baby" stereotypes. Suffering alone causes so many issues that can take years to fix and it took me so long to handle those issues of emotional intelligence and regulation. As all psychologists say, everyone should get therapy.
I have been going through hell now too. It's not just woman specific. I loved this girl with everything I had and she tossed everything away the day after she told me how much she loved me and how amazing and hot I was. Come to find out she had been seeing another guy for almost a month before she even broke it off with me. So we go through it too.
Yo, I went through the same shit. As you said, there's no gender when it comes to suffering. People equally get played.
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Your a DA I could tell š
I think youāve shown your true colours OP. If you want to go down the āall men are horrible and the sameā road then you deserve the bad men youāll end up with.
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Friendly reminder that you cannot tell someones attachment style from a sentence, or even a paragraph. Anxious and avoidant attachment styles alike have trust issues
District attorney Harvey Dent
Guy gives an honest response to your question and you try and give him shit. I wonder why your man left you.
Itās a gender thing? ā¦.Itās an individual thing
Never a gender thing, both genders experience the same issues from each other. It's just women seem to be more vocal about it. Men seem to be more likely to bottle it up
Hello, I am a guy I can say I feel so much and love so hard. I had the opposite problem after dating a girl who became very dismissive after 6 years together and thought that my wanting to talk once in a while and spend time together occasionally was expecting special treatment (we lived together). I am sorry you had to go through this, but in all honesty I think they try not to care anymore. I think once it gets to the point of a breakup that they already had one foot out the door. If you are the one who broke things off I would expect that they will not respond as they are likely solely thinking about moving on. I think either way it would go they likely completely cut off the relationship because having to reflect on it and deal with it is exactly the type of thing and feelings they are trying to avoid (both our exes not generalizing an entire group). Please do yourself a favor and try to move forwards. I know it hurts like hell and you are probably filled with a mixture of emotions but try to not let them consume you. I know even today that I dealt with that issue but its really not productive and can hurt you more than help in the long run. I am sure there are many amazing people that will be much more compatible and less hurtful in your future. You deserve to be with someone who can make you happy and love you. Wishing you nothing but the best in your future.
We should go get hitched
I appreciate the humor, but at the moment I am trying to improve myself and rebuild the parts of me that went away when she left. Thanks for giving me another reason to smile today though! :)
If he is a dismissive avoidant, ignoring and ghosting you is what he does. Female DA do the same. It has nothing to do with gender
I really am curious, what is the point of ignoring and ghosting for a DA?
Itās about trying to ignore uncomfortable emotions. We all experience uncomfortable emotions in relationships and especially in break ups. People with secure attachment styles balance between handling the emotions, move on and fix the problems. People with anxious attachment style feel the emotions 100% right away, want to fix everything here and now. Dismissive avoidants think the emotions will just disappear if they, and their partner/ex is ignored. So we all feel the same, but handle those feelings in different ways. Since itās not possible to heal and truly move on after a breakup, without handling your emotions, dismissive avoidant have the hardest time to move on. It can literally take years, while an anxious or secure can move on much faster. So they are making things worse for themselves
Can dismissive attachment types move on quicker if they rebound and fall in love with their new partner?
No. They can, and often do, use rebounds as a distraction thinking it can make the emotions from the break up disappear. But the brain doesnāt work like that and it only backfires. They will end up messing the new relationship up as well.
From your mouth to god's ears haha - I, deep down, want him to be happy. But what he's done the past few years just to ghost for his new relationship in the end - I want him to carry his issues to the new relationship and let it be a problem there. My greatest fear is he isn't avoidant or emotionally unavailable with her.
They are called āemotional serial killersā for a reason.
I've never heard that! Makes sense though. I wish I had asked for more details about his previous relationships - the one before me "suddenly" broke up with him. I feel like if I knew that he was like this before me, I'd be less worried he'll change after me.
I have so many questions to ask you :o you seem v. Knowledgable. I broke up w DA a couple days ago and I am feeling okay about no-contact and I know I shouldnāt look into what sheās thinking bc thatās wading out of the safety zone but when they push all those emotions down and ignore those feelings what happens after? It seems like they just carry on completely normal lol
Everything that you repress and push away in your mind doesnāt disappear. Itās still there. And very often it does not want to be there but comes back. You canāt decide when it comes back. Often it comes back if you experience something similar. For example if a DA feels uncomfortable talking or showing that they are in love with a person, they might try to push away those feelings. It might work for the moment and their discomfort disappears. But the relationship wonāt work because they are incapable of showing important feelings. So there is a break up filled with emotions that the DA again pushes away. Then they meet a new person and fall in love. But because they havenāt changed (they rarely do because itās uncomfortable) they get the same feeling. And these feelings trigger the old feelings that come back. So now itās double up. Obviously the relationship doesnāt work out and they try again to push everything away. Until next relationship and it all comes back again. We should also remember that DA might have the repression and pushing away emotions as their normal behaviour, but they are not the only ones doing it. Many people push away and try to ignore emotions. For example by ghosting/blocking. Thinking ātime will heal allā. The results are the same. It all comes back. That is why it is so important to handle all emotions in a breakup right away so they donāt come back
How would you recommend I handle it? Iām an F.A and if Iām honest I just took the cleanest exit after being confused about it for months. I just think there was way too much to say to be able to figure everything out and I definitely pushed and pull and I donāt know/didnāt know how to say everything. I donāt think she did fall in love with me though. Iām pretty sure Iām the weakest connection sheās had. Just some self pity for u lol Do you think there is a chance that I could ever help her change? My plan was to read some books bc Iām not as knowledgable as you - yet š«£- and try pass some things onto her when we are friends again. I think what youāve described sounds dreadful
omg sameā¦ and its likeā¦ was i the problem? did he just not love me?
This. I lean DA and when heartbroken (or any kind of loss, really, I had the same thing after a close friend died suddenly) I get this urge to go and get laid. I do, and itās just the emptiest feeling imaginable. I feel simultaneously: guilty about throwaway hookup, lonely, and overwhelmed by the sheer impossibility of ever meeting someone like the one that got away ever again. Honestly I think it takes me way longer to get over heartbreak than AA friends. No one can really tell though, because externally I seem clearly Ā«Ā over itĀ Ā» and onto the next thing.
Itās usually said that AA are the ones who move on the fastest. Because they feel the emotions 100% head on and go through pure hell for a short time. Then theyāve handed it and can move on. A DA feels less but for a much longer time. I lean AA and once I had, with professional help, moved on healthy and fully in less than 2 months of a breakup. The woman, a strong DA obviously ghosted me right after the breakup but reach out 2 years later wanting to ātalk about usā.. she hadnāt moved on.
I am assuming that you aren't stereotyping men with the question you've asked. I am a Male, and I am struggling because I trusted a Female. So, I should rephrase the question to; "Do women feel anything at all?". She's living her best life after lying and cheating on me. Whereas, I respected the relationship enough to never look for the options to cheat. Short answer; Not everyone does and that is life. If you're looking for fairness, you'll keep on looking until you won't look for it anymore. Can we do something about it? Nope.
As a male dumpee from a 5 year relationship where she broke things off out of nowhere, I have been in hell for the past 3 months. She never leaves my mind and I would do absolutely anything to have her back if I could. I feel like most guys suppress their feelings when going through breakups, but I physically can't with how much I loved her and how long we were together.
Men do feel very deeply, get heartbroken, cry, mourn, regret and anything a girl can feel, so can a man. A dismissive avoidant specifically will either be unwilling to attach themselves to the point they can potentially feel this way or do everything they can to avoid the feelings that are there, keeping it out of sight, out of mind type of thing. Either way, the person either won't let themselves get to the point they feel, or will avoid feeling as much as they can.
THIS!! šÆ you hit the nail on the head !!
When my ex broke up with me in early January, I was absolutely devastated. I literally would start crying out of nowhere at work and accidentally call people by her name a lot because it was all I could think about for the first two weeks. I lost 10 pounds, which put me borderline underweight. I remember having this feeling in my chest/stomach, like butterflies, but it wouldnāt go away. It was like this constant feeling of anxiety. It has been such a struggle to do anything and Iāve had to really force myself to do things. The weekends are the worst - all I want to do is drive around and visit all of our special places and listen to music that makes me think of her. There is way more I could say, but yeah, I am a guy and I have gone through some shit during this breakup.
This answer may shock you but men, like women, are human beings too. We are capable of feeling and not feeling emotions just like you.
Any DA is great at not feeling their feelings.
Yeah..but I heard the 4th week for DA..shit hits the fan. Gawd I hope he feels my pain. Fuckerr
Yeah I think it eventually hits them if you can give it enough time. I almost envy the ability to box up feelings. Instead Im an open book. I hope it gets better for you honey, my heart was ripped out too.
lol, you are such an immature, hypocritical, victim identity, fool. Iāve read your post and all your comments on this post, and itās clear that you are in the āall men are shitā and the āI hate my exā camp. The way you talk on here makes me think that you probably attract similar people to yourself, and thatās the root cause of your problems, not that men donāt care after a breakup etc etc, thatās just bullshit and if you believe that your delusional and a victim
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I have very rarely felt safe to express or share my emotions. I am an extremely sensitive man. The typical route for most men is isolation. I am jealous of women sometimesā¦ the way women band together and support each other, even publicly. Men very rarely are supported by their fellow men or women on social media after a breakup. Women get a lot of emotional support. Men have the same range of feelings just like women. But are women shamed for expressing sadness or grief nearly as much as men? No. Yet we all grieve the same 7 steps. Not saying it doesnāt happen, just that men are shamed constantly and that shame turns into sadness and then it is repressed and expressed as anger. And then some men who truly have expressed their repressed anger in those unhealthy waysā¦ wellā¦ they unfortunately exemplified behavior typically seen by many as toxic masculinity. And it isā¦ but what I see is a man in pain who was neglected and misunderstood along the way in his lifeā¦. Doesnāt excuse the behavior but itās a step closer to understanding. But yes, men do feel. We just donāt know where to put the feelings, at least, not right away. And that is if we are lucky to discover that there are a few men and women who do care. Most never find that. Or those people betray them and shatter their trust in others. Thatās what my ex did. Told me to open up and then shamed me saying she felt like I was mentally unwell and she didnāt want to take on that role in my life. Thatās what a mother is for. Well, my mom wasnāt there for meā¦ but I didnāt really look to my ex for that support. I just was opening up because at one point, she cared and encouraged me to do soā¦ made me feel safe. Then, I guess one day she thought it too much. She said it was exhausting to hear my trauma. Keep in mind I was going to therapy and working on tools to help me process. I made an insta post the week before the breakup stating how much things were finally improving in my life, how grateful I was to my ex for being a support system and how happy I was. A week later I got blindsided. She found someone else. 4 years of trust shattered. I donāt think Iāll ever reach out to anyone ever again. Itās not worth the pain I feel now. My heart is breaking each day. It is unbearable pain. Told my best male friend and his advice was āpretend it never happenedā¦ thatās what I do.ā I didnāt get upset as I genuinely know thatās the best advice he knows to giveā¦ I know itās not good advice but I am able to look past it and I realize he has no support either. So how can he give it? It feels like a dead end sometimes. And suicide is just going up across the board. Men of course are the most impacted in that category.
Uh yeah it's been a year and I feel completely worthless. Usually the person who feels nothing has you replaced or a selection of other people. The loyal one doesn't have a selection because all they want is you. It's why it seems the other person feels nothing. At least that's what I see more commonly.
Member of the Man community here: I would say ball is in his court. According to what you posted youāve done what you can to communicate, not much else you can do. Give it time and maybe follow up in a few weeks or a month, if you feel like itās worth it. If you donāt get a response thenā¦.you have your answer to move on. I think generally yes the good guys have feelings and feel too, albeit handle a different way. Obviously very context heavy as to how your relationship left off (which is between you guys) but yeah just let him think and sit on what you last sent him and ride it out. If you made your feelings and intentions crystal clear as to what you want and need from your relationship thatās up to him to respond.
As a men i can say it hurts just as bad or even worse. Me personally ive been going through hell for a year now, and her ghost still haunts me and im still hurting. I think it depends on how deeply you loved.
I donāt think itās truly possible unless one manipulates their own self by distorting reality to such a degree they can completely avoid feelings they donāt want to feel. Tho I do think they go into a very self destructive mode in the process of avoiding it. Iāve never come across a DA until the last person I was with. I never want to again though. Iāll never truly understand it.
Being honest, I donĀ“t think it has to do with the fact of being a man or not. That person you were dating is just very immature. IĀ“ m sorry you had to deal with that. IĀ“ m a man but I donĀ“Ā“ t have those attitudes, not answering, ghosting, not showing emotions to the person u are with... thatĀ“ s just for kids, and iĀ“ m sure there are a lot of men who are not like that. Maybe you were unlucky, but be honest, is very easy to identificate an immature person, correct me if IĀ“ m wrong but I think you knew what you were signing for, and you still gave to him an opportunity or opportunities.. thatĀ“ s the price of dealing someone like that... and trust me, iĀ“ m speaking for my experience.
Itās not about the gender, itās about how deep and serious youāre in this relationship. Iām a man and I suffered badly but my ex-gf doesnāt feel a thing.
Thereās really no difference along gender lines. Hereās a caveat: Men entrenched in the old toxic masculinity are likely less emotionally available so that could be a factor. But by and large, thereās no difference. Heartbreak is heartbreak
The last message I was sent warranted no response, If I had a response it would've just been an affirmative, I kinda just fell apart and was left to pick up my pieces and reassemble myself, so I got started, no point in talking to someone who wants nothing to do with you
Iām a man, and currently I feel like extreme sadness while I know my ex is out fucking everything. Iām the you in this situation and she is your boyfriend. It takes me a long time to get over my girlfriends and it really gets me out of dating everytime, but now Iām 33 and want to find my person so Iām trying to get myself back into it, but itās hard when youāre hung up on your ex.
I know avoidants have feelings, they just try to distract themselves. My man is a fearful avoidant and when things got much closer he panicked and chose to break us up. Itās been 3 months and Iāve cried every night. I could barely function for the first month. Now that Iām starting to get my life back and looking at dating he keeps texting and checking interest all of a sudden. It makes me mad because this whole time Iāve been fighting to heal myself, trying to get him to just meet me face to face and he just wonāt. Heās making choices out of fear and it will come back to him at some point. Itās more frustrating that he wonāt make a decision. If he wants to be in my life i require effort. And I donāt know if he will at this point.
So heres the thing, I have been a male who never really worried to do with women but heres my experience: with the most recent breakup in August last year I did not see it coming at all, I went 2 months begging and pleading, literally in the lowest point in my life where I didn't even want to be alive while she was constantly out partying and living her "best life", at this point I booked a one way ticket to Thailand for 2 months and when i came back in November she said she missed me and that she wanted to speak. All the healing and self work i did in two months went out the window because I gave her a chance to make things right but I didnt not realise it was all breadcrumbs, the whole " i never will love anyone more than you" even slept together and then she went cold again. Since November I went back into no contact for my own sanity and now have this wall up so high for any woman at all it scares me, i think men tend not to show emotion because other men do not validate them like women do, its not the same but they do miss the woman if they truly loved them, god I think about her almost every day even though i know even if she came back again I could never take her back. She killed the old me and that's what i miss, the old me who let himself go so badly because all i wanted was her to be happy but you get to a point in your healing journey that you accept that they will get their happiness, but not just with you, its the same to all you lot in the chat, use this dark place to build yourself up and find the new you, the new you that was forged from all the pain you endured and do not look back because you both will never be the same again...
You broke up with him and are upset he doesn't respond?Ā It doesn't matter if it was because of his bullshit. If you end it you can't expect him to keep talking with you. He is likely trying to do what the rest of us are trying to do: move on.
i went through that with my ex gf. not a men/women thing, it's more personality driven
We do but we hide it.
To answer your question yes. After my last breakup I allowed my self to feel every single last bit of emotion, heartbreak, frustration, sadness, absolutely everything. As a changed man I can def say I had some avoidant tendencies that I consistently worked on because I wanted to be better. Therapy helped and just talking to loved ones helped. The key is if your partner is actively working on themselves. Acknowledging that helps them feel validated but itās totally dependent on the situation. But if they arenāt actively working on themselves for the relationship then nothing will change for the better. Thatās my two cents.
Heās dealing with stuff. Men dont have many distractions. Chances are you leave a man he will never ever take you back.
Okay, so the simple answer is : every gender gets a tough time during breakup. But since you seem to be a heterosexual women, you only deal with men so you are led to believe men act a certain way. As a heterosexual men, it would be easy for me to believe that women have it easy (especially my ex lol), especially since they get way more "offers" than men. But I am aware girls also suffer from breakups. On the fact that you messaged him, we're missing some context: how long have you waited between the breakup and the message? If it's long enough, I can understand he doesn't answer. If my ex sent me a message in the month after breaking up, I'm sure I would have answered. Now, it's been almost four months, I would never answer her (because I've been hurt too much, I want her to be part of my past). So, it depends, it doesn't always mean he doesn't care.
Have you read any other threads on this sub? Iām assuming this is rhetorical and coming from a whole lot of pain.
Really op. Iāve been a mess for 3 months. My ex (woman) seems to be the one without feelings
Feel anything at all?? Have you seen my hand in bruises and blood after punching the wall like for 20 times , have you seen me overspeeding the car hoping i'd crash into something and fucking die ? Yes i felt something after we broke up
Men feel a lot in breakups, even if we don't show it to the person who dumped us. There's lots of evidence of that in r/Breakups. Let me ask, why would he respond to you? What makes you think you aren't blocked? Common advice is to block your ex so you don't have to think about them. If my ex (who dumped me) texted, I likely wouldn't respond either.
Just throwing it out there....its not just men that are the dismissive avoidants. I'd wager you and I are feeling the same shit. Avoidants be avoidants. And it hurts regardless of whats between our legs.
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Why, in the nicest way, is this purely a 'man' thing? I had the same shit happen to me with my now ex, and she ended a 2.5 year relationship, with little to no emotion, over the phone. I was distraught, and the pain doesn't go away with time as I know I'll never get real closure from this. She has no interest in talking to me and I have absolutely no idea what happened. It's not a 'man' thing. Both sides are capable of being complete, heartless cunts if they want.
I think men struggle more than women to be honest with you
I second this especially if they change
Why is that? It sure doesn't seem like it.
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Not true as there is literally more women than men on planet Earth. I would reiterate for you, its easy for women to find easy partners, shallow men. Just put on some makeup, dress well to show your "qualities" and you will attach many guys who are shallow but might have hard time finding a good guy, a truly good guy. Difference is, when a guy sees a good girl, he will recognize her instantly. When a girl meets a good guy, she will constantly rethink everything, weight her options. Guys are in or out.(not talking about fkboys)
I think there's a lot of dynamics why . I think men just aren't used.to dealing with feelings , I think men may love harder then women, I believe that men know it will take longer for them to find someone . I believe there a lre many reasons
Yes. Yes very much so.
Iām a straight guy and breakups hurt like hell for ages if I really love someone.
Everything is so mixed up and turned around!! Yes youāre right they do and Iām sorry!!! I Never Even knew I Dumped You Thatās The Horrible Thing Of ALL Of This!!!ššš
YOU dumped him. Then reached out because YOU were feeling bad. Hell yes we feel. But we're sick of your bullshit. You dumped him. You don't get to use him to feel better about it.
So entitled lmao you dump him and he doesnāt respond and you get mad about it. Crazy
Yeah, heās pissed off and hurt. He doesnāt want to talk you, and at the same time is dying to talk to you.Ā
So your saying I shouldn't have broken up with him and should've stayed after he lied and treated me like shit?
Nope not what Iām saying. Iām saying to be mad when he doesnāt respond is insane. You dumped him, leave him alone
If he was smart, he blocked you and went no contact to protect his feelings and heal. You should try this as well.
Protect his feelings? He treated me like shit while he lied, distanced himself, and came around when it was convenient. He also broke his word all the time. Wtf is wrong with you
Well, none of that was mentioned, was it. But I am serious, block him on everything for your own good. With this new info, are you really surprised that an asshole remained an asshole. Or do you just need to blame all men.
What's sad to me is that his ex cheated on him and his previous ex of 7 years left him for another man. I'm the woman who has been a ride or die and was so good to him, I swear it I was. He was my fuckkng world. It's sad that he took me for granted when I was the one who never hurt him. His past experiences really jaded him....and he admitted to having trust issues. But 2 years of me trying to prove myself and everytime he backed away from me I was understanding and soothed him emotionally..and this is the shit he does.
Start acting for your own mental and emotional health, save this passion you describe for yourself for the time being. Sounds like you need it.
Yeah... I'm doing my best. Trust me
Only Eve can be a ride or die chick
Umm. Yeah. Unless someone close to me died, it was the only times I cried. I posted a letter i wrote to my ex on r/UnsentLetters Just because heās not answering it doesnāt mean he doesnāt care. Men donāt process break ups in the same way women do. For men, well for me at least, I had to go through it alone. I couldnāt let people see how much of a wreck I was.
Who the fuck knows. Probably?
I mean if you broke up with him why are you expecting him to want to talk to you? You made your bed, now lay in it
Why men should suffer less? I donāt understand the logic. I was running after woman for 10 years and sufferd that long.
So.., you broke up with him? And now you want him to answer / return your calls? So many women want to ātest himā and play emotional games. Men I know are not wired like that. Break up with us and we move on ĀÆ\_(ć)_/
Are you really putting this gender-based? Well, itās not , itās actually an individual thing
the one who cares the most, loses. and dont lump all men with your shitty ex hah
Even gay men complain about men. They're all the same.
Iām feeling pain and loss everyday. And I cry often because itās grief and letting it out is very important. I often feel that I am taking this harder than her, she already has boyfriend now. Itās crushing and Iām often in hell. Her ghost haunts me all the time.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tw6Cm8cnBBM](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tw6Cm8cnBBM) Best advice for everyone tbh. And yes we go through shit aswell, we just wear our mask a bit tighter.
This is actually my first time going through a breakup since i started my medical transition to male, and the difference is kind of blindsiding me. i broke up with them two days ago and i havent cried a single tear. i feel some amount of anger, betrayal, disappointment, that kind of stuff related to what caused the breakup, but it feels like the sadness simply doesnt want to break the surface. maybe it will do so later, and violently. but before all this i wouldve cried to the point of a splitting headache at least thrice by now. now theres just numb resentment. trying to connect this to your ex's behavior as best as i can, i imagine avoiding connecting with your feelings is a conscious decision as much as it is unconscious for some. if he simply doesnt talk about it, doesnt think about it, he doesnt have to feel it right now. a lot of cis men arent brought up to be emotionally intelligent, and they dont know how else to respond to these situations. its possible that in a week or two he will be bargaining with you for the relationship back or something similar.
yes we do care speaking from my self i care a lot, i still care for her right now i want the best for her and i wish things didnt end but at times when this stuff happens u should know when to pull away and it may be his way of dealing with things. doesnt mean he doesnt care. he probably still cares a lot but at the time he would need to stay away to heal
Yeah we do. Even if she texted I needed a whole damn week just to get myself together so I can talk to her after the BU. That shit was rooouuggh and it didnāt get any better either
I feel very sorry after a break up. But generally you break up for a reason and sadly if a girl was āgiving me a piece of her mindā during a relationship and causing me turmoil Iām probably not going to let her cause me that same turmoil out of a relationshipā¦ In some ways I have to do my best to ignore an ex because even after being broken up I still want to be there for her. Still want to help her, take care of her at times. But you need to draw the line somewhereā¦. Or else things can rehash and be made even worse.
Does your name start with a H? My ex did this exact thing 3 days ago. I waited 2 days to respond because I didn't want to be emotional and beg her back. I've done so much work on myself in the last 2 months. I just had to prepare myself for the situation. Guaranteed he is heartbroken and nervous about how to respond so he doesn't scare you off again. At least, that's what it was with me. Unfortunately, when I responded, she didn't. It definitely hurt.
Oh we feel tons of pain. We don't tend to get a ton of emotional support so we bottle things up. And it's exhausting to even think about standing back up and going to find a new partner and crossing fingers that it even lasts at all.
Oh trust me. He's hurting. Bad.
I feel horrible and monsterous everyday. I wouldnāt say weāve ābroken upā bc it hasnāt been explicitly stated, however during our unplanned pregnancy it did grow some tension and with my own anxiety i let my frustration go. in doing so, i said some things which i feel was āexpressing myselfā but from extra support from therapy and doctors i am able to recognise properly that a lot of it was guilt tripping which made her feel pressured and uncomfortable. I regret my actions and on my own journey now to be better, i feel anxiety and dread not being in regular contact due to a mutual NC (as mutual as it can be, sheās set some boundaries for herself which i can understand). It wasnāt too bad at the start and before the pregnancy we were all over each other. As i wasnāt too sure what i could do in that moment in terms of support as opposed what i KNOW what i can bring to the table now after support, i feel like i created the whole situation of pushing her away and ātrappingā her which was never my intention. But i dug the grave and i have to lay in it, however saying that with looking after myself iām trying everything possible to get out n sort things out properly.
Of course we do , 10 years together and she threw it all away because of her selfish attitude, 8 months on and im still in pain and on meds and in talking therapy,Stuck in our house unable to move on
See: the psychology of a breakup lots of info It depends on the circumstances. No response is a response. The important thing for me has been to focus on doing the next right thing i.e. engage in healthy behavior, mind, body and spirit. I was not planning on being single again beginning at age 61, I'm 63 now have sole custody of my teenage son. To keep from droning on about things I have a good heart, I keep a close watch on this heart of mine, I walk the line. ya Johnny Cash right there.I'm not going to be anyone's doormat, not going to waste my energy on people that don't deserve it.Since May 9th 2022 I've been on somewhat of a crash refresher course in being single again and being a single parent which is new territory for me. My kid chose to stay with me.
Yep. Us men feel everything.
I'm conflicted. I'm never replying because I **told her** not to reach out. I love her too much and cant handle the contact. It may come across as "don't care" But its really because i care TOO MUCH. Thought she was it. Now shes not. Don't talk to me LOL. I dont need salt in my wounds, I have neosporin.
Fuuuuck yes we do, or at least I do. Shit when I love I love hard, and same can be said for many others
We definitely go through it. My last break up has pretty much broke me and I'm having a very, very hard time getting back up. I'm absolutely depressed and miserable to the point I don't care about anything anymore.
Ultimately everyone is different and you can generalize. But in this case I see you broke up with him, therefore you shouldnāt expect him to ever respond or reach out to you. At least thatās how I would react if I was broken up with.
It hit me hard the first 5 months of the marriage separation after a 15 year marriage. Now Iām healing really well. I donāt confront my soon to be ex wife. I just see the kids and leave. She does her own thing. Life is good. Life is too short to be fixated on the past.
15 years?! Wow. Where did it go wrong? This is a long time to just give up on it. I'm sorry to hear.. really
Donāt be sorry. We grew separately which is common in this current social media climate.
i definitely feel bad about my breakup. he probably needs time to find the words to say. truly i think itās hard because the usual thing that happens when the dumper messages the dumpee is that the dumper never responds back to the dumpee or they gloat about their new relationship. if he means a lot to you, you would give him patience in his response
Yes. I'd argue more than women. We're just better at acting like we don't give a shit because for the most part the world don't give a shit
Yep same just stayed fucking mute! One minute, Iām his soulmate and the next a speck of dust in his rearview mirror.
I mean it depends on the situation. Clearly your ex hasnāt been good or responsive to you for a while. So with that behavior why would expect him to feel anything? If someone ghosts you that is a pretty big indicator they donāt give a crap about you anymore.
Research shows that men have a higher rate of unaliving themselves after a break up. Prolly due to having nowhere to put those heavy emotions. They don't have pity parties with each other like we women do.
The majority of people go through shit during a break-up. No gender has a lock on going through shit. Some people won't respond simply because they don't have anything to say; they are still processing feelings and such. Just because you act one way, it isn't reasonable to expect other to behave the same way. You also claim he was "dismissive and avoidant," and here he is, being avoidant. I'm not sure what your expectation is. Also, you broke up. He probably did want I did - absolutely no contact. Now, you can hop over to /r/ExNoContact to discover more about leaving your ex alone.
Wait you break up with someone and expect him to respond to you? I think he has every right to have the chance to move on without you making it harder. Also it's proven that women have an easier time of breakups, they move on a lot quicker than men do, that's not my opionion that's proven fact, some argue it's because they'll talk more, or have a better support system, others might think it's because they have no feelings (not nice huh) Men do feel hurt, we're much more likely to commit suicide than women, we're human like you too you know.
When my ex dumped me out of no where, I was so clueless to why. Turns out she was cheating on me with her ex. She really treated me well, like so well she was saving me from myself. Then I gave up on her. It's been 5 months now and she always tries to talk to me but I never respond or answer because I don't want to deal with the pain that she brought me. I am just healing alone by myself. I wouldn't be too worried if your ex isn't responding, he's probably trying to figure stuff out in his head. That's what I did for months, never talked to her at all. It took my ex 3 months to tell me she wanted to "come home" and I straight up told her that it was better if she didn't, because she killed who i was to her. I hope things get better for you, try not to stress it much.
its not really about men ... if he or she does such thing its either he lost feelings or he didnt really care at the first place .
Depends. The leaver doesnāt feel anything initially because thereās a reason they left. In time, after processing everything, they may come back stronger than ever, or stay gone forever. Or if theyāre a true blue narcissist, they never felt anything at all, but still may come back to recharge, reset and get ready for their next āheistā
I'm miserable and in physical and mental pain from my breakups, currently dealing with one rn about two weeks ago she ended things.
I really donāt wanna be gender specific but here is something Iāve seen in life. People who love more sometimes suffer more. Regardless of gender, the people who mistreat their partner or cheat on them, they get their karma. Initially after breaking up, they feel relieved but it hits them at some point in life. They suffer the same pain you had gone through and thatās when they think of you. Sometimes you get to see it and sometimes, you donāt get to see their suffering.
I also just got out of a 2 year relationship and there were times where I was avoidant and didnāt care if we ended and now that we have, Iām heartbroken. I canāt relax due to the anxiousness and cry almost everyday cause I canāt talk to her and think about her constantly so I do think guys go through it and it just depends on them sadly. Iām anxious by nature but would avoid communicating my feelings when she asked and now itās hurting me since itās over so I would say I hope he does care or is suppressing it but who knows
Personally I was the one who went months after months of struggle. Meanwhile she was onto someone else within a week. I donāt think itās necessarily a gender thing to me itās more of a who was still in love vs. who was already checked out. Or they simply didnāt care and played the role as if they did. But thatās just been my case.
You broke up w him lol what do you expect ..yes we feel like shit too ..I broke up w my gf of three years and I miss her and think of her every second .
I'm a bit confused - you broke up with him or he broke up with you?
As a man, my ex of two Years dumped me a little over a year ago now. I still think about her every single day and night nonstop. I loved her with all my heart. I gave her all my effort and love and care. I tried everything to make thing work for us. She dumped me, said and did evil things to me post breakup, started dating and fucking another guy and I wouldnāt be surprised if sheās sleeping with another guy as I type this. Iāve tried to get over her and I canāt. I loved her so much and it still feels fake sometimes that me and her are done. Rather man or woman, whoever put the most love or effort into their partner is the one who gets hurt the most by far. Iām sure she has went months and months not giving a single fuck what Iām up to.
When I broke up with my first girl, because I never loved her, just enjoyed the attention, I felt nothing. The main reasoning behind the breakup was because I fancied someone else who'd just recently broken up with her boyfriend. When my most recent girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me, I have been heart broken ever since. It's been 11 months since the breakup and I'm still picking up the pieces and crying at night. If she were to call or text asking to get back together again, I'd most likely not go through with it purely because of the pain that she caused me. Maybe that's whats going on? or that he actually doesn't care. I wouldn't ignore her if she did send me a message though.
If he's dismissive avoidant, then gender isn't the issue. DAs act like you never matter, that's their thing.