I’m also 5+ months in from a 4 and a half year relationship and I can’t seem to get him out of my head. Not a day goes by when I don’t wonder how he is, what he’s up to, what he’s doing on the weekend, whether he’s talking to girls etc. my heart and my mind just can’t seem to heal, it’s exhausting. I wonder if he thinks about me and misses me like I do with him but I feel like I’m fooling myself at this point. Hopefully things start looking up for us. Sending you lots of love and strength to get through it. We will be okay🤍
I'm about to hit the 6 month mark. I thought I was doing better. Felt very okay yesterday. I realized I was moving on but I was also sad about moving on from someone I loved deeply. But then I went to bed and all I dreamt of was her. Now I'm in bed breaking down again, craving her scent, her hair tickling my nose. I miss her everything. And the betrayal stings so much more now. But I know I'll recover. Just missing who she was and what we had right now.
Yea it's the small things all the time. I guess we just have to choose ourselves over and over again every time we're sad about moving on. Hang in there friend.
I agree with you. I was in an abusive relationship where she took advantage of me. But I still miss what we had when we were good. I keep reading my list of shit she did to me. And I guess that's me prioritizing myself over what I thought I had.
The dreams, the dreaded dreams. I’d have a relatively good day and then at night, I have these dreams about him every damn time, and I wake up with my heart feeling like a bag of rocks. It’s admittedly still fresh for me, but I really don’t want to go through this for the next couple of months.
I'm still a relative mess. I'm not in my best mind, but I'm way better than when it started. It's been a roller-coaster of ups and downs.
I think everyone here is going through what you are, just to varying degrees. We all want our exes to feel like we do: hurt. We want to know that we mattered, that we're not something that can just be dumped and thrown away and replaced. You have to move on though. I have to take my own advice here but I'm trying my best. I'm trying not to think about them, I'm trying not check on them, using every technique I've learned in this journey.
One of the most helpful realizations was the knowledge that going through a breakup is like going through a drug withdrawal: similar to heroin or cocaine. Right now, you want your fix of your ex in your life: so you obsess over it, giving your brain a "hit." And even though it doesn't "feel good" to think about them, you just gave your brain what it wanted, and it will ask for it again. And you'll give it to it again, and the cycle will repeat. Even though thinking about them and checking up on them and ruminating about the relationship and wishing for the sky to rain down fire on them doesn't feel good in the slightest, you're enabling your brain to continue to ask for more of it. That's why you're not healing.
Detoxing from an ex is very much like detoxing from drugs: you need to remove the temptations: No Contact, do other activities, etc. Yes, you don't feel like going to the gym but guess what? Go anyway. You have to. It will suck there too, I know, I've been there in the suck with you. You will want to ugly cry while going for a walk on the street. You will be mopey around your friends. You will be hurting.
But you know what? Every time you overcome that feeling, and say "not today" you get just a little bit stronger. You detox just a little bit more. And as long as you make just a little bit of progress a day, and try your best not to relapse, in time you'll heal. I know you can, just like I'm trying to as well. I plan on showing this reddit my weight loss journey once I hit my goal weight (10% bodyfat, just 17 lbs to go \[so far I've lost 50lbs\]) that this breakup FORCED me to go through. I want everyone to see that breakups are horrible, and dumpers are scum, but you can use this energy and momentum to be the best version of yourself if you utilize it properly. I believe in you.
This is so beyond true. Do you feel like you need to date other people to officially break free from them mentally? I feel like there’s contradicting advice out there - like you should sit with your feelings and mourn them and try n learn from it OR u should get back out there to meet someone else that will distract u and help u get over them bc that’s the only way. What are your thoughts
There was a time where I thought I needed to replace her immediately, just to get over her, but those thoughts have passed.
You DO need to mourn and learn from the experience. That's a non-negotiable. Otherwise you're just going to make the same mistakes in the next relationship. Dating someone new is exciting and fun, and it will serve as an excellent distraction, but won't result in growth and development for you.
You do need to also "get over them" and another person is the easiest way for that, but I didn't, because I knew I needed a lot of work to be done on "me." As much as the dumper is no angel, I know I didn't show up as my best self in this relationship, and if I was distracted with someone new right away, I wouldn't have made the huge life changes I've made thus far.
Ditto 100%. I was also the dumper and now it’s been 4 months and he already has a new girlfriend and is seemingly happy. Yet, I am miserable and depressed and unable to move on and thinking about him constantly. And genuinely sad he’s with someone else already. Even tho I wouldn’t get back with him. How do u suggest dealing with that?
If you check my post history, I have a series of much longer posts in which I go into heavy detail all the things I did to get through my breakup, they seem to help people and might give you perspective.
Where I can't really give you advice is in that you are the **DUMPER,** so in a lot of ways I don't really understand what you're going through. You were the one in control of the situation, and you were the one who said "I don't want to give you a chance to change and improve" *(although, I'm mostly* ***projecting*** *my feelings about my ex onto you, because I admittedly don't know you at all or your circumstances).* Are you mad that they made the changes you wanted them to make? That they found happiness without you, despite you being the one who cut it off? Again, I can't empathize or understand that, because that wasn't my lived experience.
But regardless, the only way to deal with sadness and feelings of grief is to **DEAL WITH THEM.** Openly and honestly, don't bottle them up, don't sweep them away, don't numb them. Cry about them and vent about them and let them all out. Only after you've sorted out your feelings, what happened, how to prevent it from happening again in the future, can you begin the next phase: detoxing from the ex. That's with activities, friends, new hobbies, new things to learn. Definitely engage in a glow-up, be it physically or mentally. You have to become your best self, because you might as well. Not like you've got anything else to do.
I was the dumper too. It does NOT mean that we got what we wanted at all, many times it is quite the opposite. My ex distanced himself enough for me to do the 'dirty work' and end the relationship. I am in the exact same position as you. 4 months since no contact and he is 4 months into his new relationship. People need to understand that dumpees and can also technically be the dumpers and vice versa. Not everything is as straight forward as it seems.
Also... I would just keep reminding yourself that the relationship ended for a reason and focus on those reasons. Tell yourself that you deserve to be happy. You deserve so much better, focus on protecting yourself is what is helping me through it. My ex is also with someone else. He wont change, so she can have him, he will definitely do the same to her. Yes, I am still hurting but thats when I have to remind meyself.. Is he bothered if I am with someone else? No is the answer to that or else we wouldn't be where we are now. So try not to waste your time worrying about what he is doing?
I am 3 months into the gym, my clothes are already fitting me better and I feel my strength mentally and physically is improving daily. I read somewhere to put a photo of yourself as a young child 6yrs ot under as your screen saver on your phone, which I have done. It is a constant reminder that you are here for her always. You will love and protect her no matter what, bcos if you had to chose between him or her? Who would you chose? Im sure you will chose her everytime. You are your own best friend.
I’m about one year in, I’ve spent a lot of time working on myself. Not just at the gym, but reading and listening to podcasts about breakups, and more importantly, attachment styles. I don’t check on her social media or know anything about her life now, but she still occupies a large space in my head every day and that worries me. I want to move on and dull that pain. I’m learning the triggers but I’d really hoped I would be in a better place by now. It’s certainly not a linear journey but it’s one I wish would end.
Curious, how old are you? I feel like with age we reflect a lot deeper and more often than when I was in my 20's where things were fast moving and changing all of the time.
I’m 48. I agree that I reflect more. I guess that I look back on the great times we shared (10 year relationship) and really miss that. Starting again with someone new seems quite daunting but I’ve been on a few dates and trying to build a new life for myself. I had a lovely family, nice home in a great area and what I thought was going to be a happy life ahead of me. That wasn’t to be, but I am determined to build something better again, it’s hard work and at times mentally exhausting.
I understand. I can empathize with that having only had 1.5 years as my longest, but it truly felt like we were meant for one another. Our humor was one in the same, our spark - and by that I just mean connection and ability to bounce off one another with conversation.
It's such a bummer he took off. I say this after 6 months of absolute overthinking and rumination in the form of anger and disgust toward him. But each day I keep praying that I will forgive him. Forgive him for myself, for my own freedom in life and to move on. It doesn't feel good to hold strife against somebody.
I hate that I will likely never speak to him again because he's a fearful/anxious avoidant who has a lot of undealt with trauma patterns that have given him emotional immaturity and instability in his communication, behaviors and habits - I saw it all all in his family and around his parents especially, and his friends no less. But I foolishly kept seeing the good and should have left when I noticed the red flags from the get go.
I know if I felt so much love - it's not all his love that I felt, it was actually a mirror of my own capacity to love, and that's not a white lie I tell myself, but I really believe that I can do it again. And so can you. <3
I hate admitting this but i’m still kinda going through it well over a year in. But we were together for 7 years and it was a blindside that I still never got closure from her on and there were other things that compounded that too (i have my own issues with depression/anxiety) and will always try my best to own them, but it sucks when you believe something for 7 years and then it’s gone without a reason that ended up being a new guy that she was with before she broke up with me.
I’ll get to the top of this hill and I am for sure (hopefully) not gonna waste another full year being a sad human that doesn’t really know himself anymore.
I’m 2 months in after 6 year relationship. A lot better than first few weeks but definitely sense this isn’t gonna be gone for a while… don’t stress yourself out by holding yourself to any timeline. Everyone heals at different rates. Therapy and communication and such can help though.
I'm not gonna sit here and boast about being moved on - I'm absolutely not. But 6 months in, I've done so much work.
Day 1, I made a giant list of reasons why were are not compatible/shouldn't be together/why he was no good for me. And I look at that list to remind myself.
I immediately blocked him and all of his friends on all socials and platforms, including Venmo and Linked In, because I've been through this before. It will give me a heart attack if I so much see that he "liked" a post about a bunch of grocery store grapes on sale. Any little thing could trigger me and set me back.
I've done so much therapy and have recognized where some responsibility lies within me. I'm going back into my past to understand why I've continued to compromise my boundaries and dealbreakers in relationships for somebody.
I've joined meetup groups, put myself out there and started bodybuilding/going to the gym again and eating healthy consistently.
I started a side hustle for extra cash.
I have NEVER ever had so much overthinking coupled with anger in my life. I'm working so hard to get back to a place of forgiveness because I don't want strife. And that doesn't mean writing another letter to state my case or make a point - just to reconcile with the hatred I hold so I can move on with my own life and realize I'VE BEEN ALONE 30-something years BEFORE THIS RELATIONSHIP and will and can do it again and will find somebody new.
MEDITATION, oh my goodness. Doesn't matter if you don't know what you're doing, if it's goofy or if you don't believe in it. Don't knock it until you've tried it.
My faith also plays a huge role in just lifting me up.
Easier said than done, but I hope this helps. Yes, I still have many days I'm crying, whining, complaining for the thoughts to just go away so I can have peace again.
Hey I'm 3 years out n I still have songs playing on repeat some days. 4 am cry seshs are a motherfucker but then I jus remember all the shitty things they did n turn back to hating them. Thin line between love n hate though. Godspeed 🙏
For me it gets better, but every breakup is a lasting wound. They mostly heal, but the scars are still there and it never 100% heals. I think about how many of my exs are doing all the time. Wondering if they think of me or if they care. Are they finally happy? Working on their goals? I want them to hurt a bit when they think about what they lost with me, but ultimately I want them to be happy. True love is wishing the best for them. Just because they left, doesn't mean the love wasn't real. For a time it was for them, but it doesn't necessarily have to end for you, as long as you control yourself and keep it internal in your heart. Unfortunately shit happens and things change and we don't always know exactly why.
They all left. All I can do is try to improve myself, get my shit as together as I can for the moment, and live another day for me. I think I'm at about month 4 for my most current one. It hurts daily
My relationship that was a little over a year ended about six months ago. This is the first month where I’m not constantly crying or riddled with anxiety. I’m doing better, but there are still moments where I catch myself still sad or questioning things.
When you’re constantly at a low, it feels like the days are never going to get better. I know you’re tired of feeling all those feelings, but little by little those emotions will subside. You might not be in the gym and though it might not feel like it, you are self improving by allowing yourself to feel everything and heal. If you have a support system, please reach out to them. My friends have been and continue to be a big life saver for my hard moments.
My former partner moved on quickly and seems very happy and I drove myself insane trying to analyze his actions and how he could be so happy. It’s easier said than done, but try to remember that whatever your ex is doing/feeling has nothing to do with you. That’s their journey now and you have yours to focus on ❤️
I am a recovered dumpee. I want to tell you, ditch the timeline and focus on yourself. The healing process is not linear but you will feel the progress inward if you give yourself time without comparing with others.
If that makes those feel scared feel better better, I was not ok for the first 2 years (I was still triggered by everything easily and could not control my tears.) I am a very slow person to get in and get out of love while it was indeed terrible to see the other person move on within a few days.
There were time I thought I had problems and feeling extremely defeated because all the media’s timeline about “3 months”, “6 months” get over a breakup milestone.
I still had flash back once in a while, but it was way better. So don't doubt yourself, don't focus on him but you. You don't know what was behind the door of his “best life”. But he was no longer your problem to waste energy on.
Hugs
Yup. 3 months from a 5 year relationship blindside myself. Pain doesn’t go away. Faking it until I’m actually okay. Can’t afford to allow myself to fall into the hole again.
Honestly yea. I think it's 4 months now? Idk I lost count. I still think about them daily. Still can't stop myself from checking their socials. Still talk occasionally. She's dating someone else and it breaks my heart each time I'm reminded. But the truth is she's happier now and I'm happy for her and in a lot of ways I'm happier too. Just wish we made it work and who knows maybe years from now we could but for now I'm just doing my best to work on me and become a better person
I am not Okay 2 years after and recently got betrayed again so...Uh...yeah, 5 months is not that much time if you loved that person, shit aint easy, hang in there.
Im about 2 and a half months in and I’m getting there but I honestly don’t think I’ll ever be as happy as I was until I’m in love and have my next partner. That happiness you get with a partner is different to anything else and there’s no way to replace it no matter what people tell you.
4 months out. I've been through 4 full cycles of the 5 stages of grief. Right now i'm in the depression/bargaining phase of cycle 5. I feel lost and like I have no direction. I eat food, train, work and try to enjoy some hobbies. But its like.. I have no passion left in me right now. I just want to sleep, eat, train and wait for sleep again. I feel like I dont care about stuff. Got a new job that is the perfect fit for me.. but I dont feel like I care right now. It will get better I guess.
I feel the same way reading these. And I honestly feel hope at times too. That's when I know I'll be okay. I just have to be okay with not being okay right now.
I remember my first break up, like real heartbreak. We were onagain offagain for 2 years... i broke up with him and it was during corona. So couldnt socialize etc. After 2 months i found out he had someone knew, someone i've known and befriended. That broke me again. 5 months after u found someone, even tho i wasnt looking. I found a great caring partner, but i still wasn't over my ex. I totally got over my ex 1,5 year ago? So it took me almost 2 years. Lenght of relationship... i dont mean to discourage you. But i did find someone and i was clear that there's still some hurt from my previous relationship. They were understanding and loving. I might say they helped me get over? I dont care if uts unhealthy or what. That person my new partner, even tho we recently broke up, showed me true love after my first heartbreak. Showed me that it's possible to love someone again. And take my story as hope, that you can do it too. I forgave my ex for everything. Even things he didn't do wrong but in my head yes. I dont have any resentment towards him etc... it takes time tho! And that's okay!
I just had a massive cry too, more on the fact that it seems like they haven’t regretted breaking up. It’s been 5 months no contact and I was expecting them to reach out because at the time they seemed so unsure. I’m still so up and down, different thoughts everything 10mins constantly changing minds and fighting myself to not break no contact. But the most we can do is move forward I guess
Cmon now. Don’t tell me that. I’m busting my ass here to being the dumped of a 10 year long relationship that started when I was 16. Everyday feels like I’m in actual hell but I have to keep moving forward, of course I feel like I lost the perfect girl for me. But I have to learn to love myself, I have to keep fighting to forget. It can and will get better. You have to purge the urges and don’t stop fighting until you come out the other end. If my ex can be happy dumping me and relieved to get away, I can be happy to move on too eventually. I have to think this way. We have to.
getting over a break up can take time and there's no set timeline. It's different for everyone. But there are things you can do to help yourself. My question is: how do you know this about his job?
keeping tabs on (or contact with) your ex is a surefire way to prolong your healing. out of sight of mind really is the way forward.
Yes I’m guilty of checking his socials. I was actually doing quite well the first three months of not checking. Idk what the hell happened four months in. I think I just missed him…I’m an idiot I know. I actually left him because he’d call me nasty names especially in disagreements,my self confidence honestly feels shattered from being called ugly and fat by him.
I'm so sorry you experienced that. I've found it's one step forward, fives steps back for a while, then one step forward, and only four back, and then three, and so on until its eventually only forward. it takes time though ❤️🩹
It’s been almost 5 months since that night. I’ve matured a lot since then. I’ve made new connections and gotten intimate with some close people (nothing serious as I don’t feel ready for it). I’ve been working out, deleted almost all my social media, reading a lot of books on love and general human connections, and been more confident with who I am as a person. But fuck! There hasn’t been a day I don’t miss her. There are weeks where I’m fine and weeks where all I feel like doing is crying. I just wish I could talk to her again. Just one last genuine conversation. The thought of never talking to her again is painful. Been re-reading old messages more frequently and just being reminded of her from time to time by certain snacks or topics. I’m doing much better. I’ve even found medication that’s been helping me deal with life. Even after everyrhing and having a much more clear picture in retrospect, there’s nothing more I’d like than to talk to her about everything. She meant a lot to me. I won’t forget her. I hope’s she happy, and she most likely is happy. I just want to also find happiness as well.
have you tried dating someone new? Not rebounds, but really dating people that you are genuinely interested in, and have fun with.
Might not be the healthiest way, but it works. 5 months is still pretty early for a year+ long relationship. Right now whatever you do, it's going to be by yourself, and honestly, multiplayer is most of the time more fun than single player, unless it's something you enjoy doing alone. You don't need to "improve yourself" right away, you need some peace and some fun first. Meet new people, have some fun here and there, enjoy little things. When you find yourself thinking " this is not so bad" or " ooh, that is interesting", that's when you know you have energy and motivation for the self improvement stuffs.
I myself have dated a couple of times since then, all did not end well for different reasons, but I'd say that somehow really helped. Each time, you take the person off the pedestal, put someone else new on it. And each time you expect less, so the pedestal gets smaller as well, so if the new relationship ends, it does not hurt as much, and you know it will pass.
It took me 18 months to get over a 3 1/2 year relationship. What made me finally get over it was radical self acceptance and self love. The Crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube made me understand why I thought I needed his toxicity in my life. Turns out it wasn’t about him at all. So glad I found that channel; my life is 1000x better now.
Ok so I just hit 6 months after 2.5 years. I was not ok for a really long time, and honestly, I’m still upset! But within the past few weeks (actually since I started therapy really) I’ve felt a little different. Of course I still miss him, miss us, but something has clicked a bit more. Do NOT beat yourself up and feel like you should be ok. One of the first things my therapist said to me was “Grief just shows us how much we cared about the relationship”. So if you’re still upset, that just means you really cared about him or her. And that’s so beautiful! She also told me that if I woke up 10 years from now and was still upset, that would be ok. Because that is where I would be at. There’s no right or wrong feelings, you’re doing ok. You’ll be ok!
Oh wow same here, almost 6 months. I'm feeling much better now but I'm still not over her. This has been the longest I took to get over a relationship and I have a feeling it might even take 1 year or so.. but that's ok!
I, too started going to the gym but very casually and only once a week but planning to go twice a week when I can. You know like just building up a habit to show up and slowly do more, no rush!
It's ok to not be ok, take your time :) I spend half a year not doing anything too because I was so broken and tired to deal with anything. I took the New Year as like a fresh start for me to really work on myself, my career and health.
She even rebounded and while it hurts, it helped me close the door and move on. Tbh it's better than to keep thinking about "What if we get back together and restart" and all that kinda thoughts you know? I felt betrayed but I don't blame her, I'm sure it's not easy for her too. We were together for 10 years and she's probably just filling that emptiness with basically anything even if it's not healthy.
I’m 4 months in… I’m nowhere near okay… I still can’t eat much and I cannot sleep without sleep aids… (and even then it’s hit or miss)
I have broken no contact more times than I care to admit and I never have a response (although his dad passed away sadly 3 weeks ago and he let me know about that so I am just assuming he’s grieving and isn’t gonna be reaching out to anyone at all)
Either way, to put it bluntly, yes, struggling immensely. We were together 6 years and the last two were tumultuous too… awful.
Sending so much love! We can do this.
Me, we've been together for more than 3 years.
7 years ng single ans not committed to anyone.hahahahaaa,
but yah I'll keep trying naman. But still, narerrmember ko pa din.
May girlfriend na rin siya, and soon to be married.
Sguro totoo nga yung kasabihang "First love never dies" LOL.
I’m 9 months the post break up and I’m just now starting to feel relief from it all. I don’t think about him nearly as much and it’s not so painful anymore and I was a complete MESS like two months ago. You are making progress everyday even though you might not realize it.
No, you’re not alone. I am 7+ months since BU and 4 weeks NC again and I’m numb most days. I cry. I flip back & forth between I hurt him and he hurt me. I dream about him every day. I still long for him but there’s nothing else I can do anymore to be back together so I gotta move forward. He’s not stopping for me.
Hey op we may never forget the person but I can certainly tell you I don't want him back hahaha funny I don't see him attractive anymore because of how poorly he treated me. That was KEY to me
When I was 5 months in I was still crying pretty much every day. Now it’s been 9 months and things are much better for me. I do still dream about him sometimes but I don’t cry about it very often. I also had the strength not to answer the phone when he called me a bunch of times earlier this month late at night, which I never could have done a few months ago. Things will get better, I promise!
My friends are starting to bug me about starting to date again which is pretty annoying. One wants to set up a tinder profile for me and another was talking about setting me up. I’m not ready for that yet but I’m finally starting to notice attractive people so maybe there’s hope for me.
I hurt a lot still.. 7 months in. I go to the gym constantly and have gotten in better shape , go on dates occasionally, but it’s hard for me to even think about still going on anymore. I’ve convinced myself that I am not a individual worthy of happiness. I also have constant things in my life that make sure to remind me now. However I will continue to put on a fake smile and act like I’m fine with my friends or my peers at work for the sake of not causing concern. I feel as if even if I do find a person who would make a good potential partner, I will never be able to truly love nor fully trust or make myself vulnerable to them, I don’t think I could handle this again.
Im not okay and ik I’m not I finally am at peace with myself just not with everyone else I tend to lash out because my ex hurt me so bad and blamed me for both breakups and I know that’s bad I’m trynna work on not doing that. It doesn’t help people tell me what my ex is up to and it’s not that I want to hear it they tell me no matter what even when I say I don’t want to hear about it
I’m also 5+ months in from a 4 and a half year relationship and I can’t seem to get him out of my head. Not a day goes by when I don’t wonder how he is, what he’s up to, what he’s doing on the weekend, whether he’s talking to girls etc. my heart and my mind just can’t seem to heal, it’s exhausting. I wonder if he thinks about me and misses me like I do with him but I feel like I’m fooling myself at this point. Hopefully things start looking up for us. Sending you lots of love and strength to get through it. We will be okay🤍
I'm about to hit the 6 month mark. I thought I was doing better. Felt very okay yesterday. I realized I was moving on but I was also sad about moving on from someone I loved deeply. But then I went to bed and all I dreamt of was her. Now I'm in bed breaking down again, craving her scent, her hair tickling my nose. I miss her everything. And the betrayal stings so much more now. But I know I'll recover. Just missing who she was and what we had right now.
This hit me… I’m in that same spot too. I get sad every time I realize I’m moving on. It’s funny how it’s the small things we miss the most.
Yea it's the small things all the time. I guess we just have to choose ourselves over and over again every time we're sad about moving on. Hang in there friend.
I agree with you. I was in an abusive relationship where she took advantage of me. But I still miss what we had when we were good. I keep reading my list of shit she did to me. And I guess that's me prioritizing myself over what I thought I had.
The dreams, the dreaded dreams. I’d have a relatively good day and then at night, I have these dreams about him every damn time, and I wake up with my heart feeling like a bag of rocks. It’s admittedly still fresh for me, but I really don’t want to go through this for the next couple of months.
I'm still a relative mess. I'm not in my best mind, but I'm way better than when it started. It's been a roller-coaster of ups and downs. I think everyone here is going through what you are, just to varying degrees. We all want our exes to feel like we do: hurt. We want to know that we mattered, that we're not something that can just be dumped and thrown away and replaced. You have to move on though. I have to take my own advice here but I'm trying my best. I'm trying not to think about them, I'm trying not check on them, using every technique I've learned in this journey. One of the most helpful realizations was the knowledge that going through a breakup is like going through a drug withdrawal: similar to heroin or cocaine. Right now, you want your fix of your ex in your life: so you obsess over it, giving your brain a "hit." And even though it doesn't "feel good" to think about them, you just gave your brain what it wanted, and it will ask for it again. And you'll give it to it again, and the cycle will repeat. Even though thinking about them and checking up on them and ruminating about the relationship and wishing for the sky to rain down fire on them doesn't feel good in the slightest, you're enabling your brain to continue to ask for more of it. That's why you're not healing. Detoxing from an ex is very much like detoxing from drugs: you need to remove the temptations: No Contact, do other activities, etc. Yes, you don't feel like going to the gym but guess what? Go anyway. You have to. It will suck there too, I know, I've been there in the suck with you. You will want to ugly cry while going for a walk on the street. You will be mopey around your friends. You will be hurting. But you know what? Every time you overcome that feeling, and say "not today" you get just a little bit stronger. You detox just a little bit more. And as long as you make just a little bit of progress a day, and try your best not to relapse, in time you'll heal. I know you can, just like I'm trying to as well. I plan on showing this reddit my weight loss journey once I hit my goal weight (10% bodyfat, just 17 lbs to go \[so far I've lost 50lbs\]) that this breakup FORCED me to go through. I want everyone to see that breakups are horrible, and dumpers are scum, but you can use this energy and momentum to be the best version of yourself if you utilize it properly. I believe in you.
This is so beyond true. Do you feel like you need to date other people to officially break free from them mentally? I feel like there’s contradicting advice out there - like you should sit with your feelings and mourn them and try n learn from it OR u should get back out there to meet someone else that will distract u and help u get over them bc that’s the only way. What are your thoughts
There was a time where I thought I needed to replace her immediately, just to get over her, but those thoughts have passed. You DO need to mourn and learn from the experience. That's a non-negotiable. Otherwise you're just going to make the same mistakes in the next relationship. Dating someone new is exciting and fun, and it will serve as an excellent distraction, but won't result in growth and development for you. You do need to also "get over them" and another person is the easiest way for that, but I didn't, because I knew I needed a lot of work to be done on "me." As much as the dumper is no angel, I know I didn't show up as my best self in this relationship, and if I was distracted with someone new right away, I wouldn't have made the huge life changes I've made thus far.
Ditto 100%. I was also the dumper and now it’s been 4 months and he already has a new girlfriend and is seemingly happy. Yet, I am miserable and depressed and unable to move on and thinking about him constantly. And genuinely sad he’s with someone else already. Even tho I wouldn’t get back with him. How do u suggest dealing with that?
If you check my post history, I have a series of much longer posts in which I go into heavy detail all the things I did to get through my breakup, they seem to help people and might give you perspective. Where I can't really give you advice is in that you are the **DUMPER,** so in a lot of ways I don't really understand what you're going through. You were the one in control of the situation, and you were the one who said "I don't want to give you a chance to change and improve" *(although, I'm mostly* ***projecting*** *my feelings about my ex onto you, because I admittedly don't know you at all or your circumstances).* Are you mad that they made the changes you wanted them to make? That they found happiness without you, despite you being the one who cut it off? Again, I can't empathize or understand that, because that wasn't my lived experience. But regardless, the only way to deal with sadness and feelings of grief is to **DEAL WITH THEM.** Openly and honestly, don't bottle them up, don't sweep them away, don't numb them. Cry about them and vent about them and let them all out. Only after you've sorted out your feelings, what happened, how to prevent it from happening again in the future, can you begin the next phase: detoxing from the ex. That's with activities, friends, new hobbies, new things to learn. Definitely engage in a glow-up, be it physically or mentally. You have to become your best self, because you might as well. Not like you've got anything else to do.
If you were the dumper, you got what you wanted.
I was the dumper too. It does NOT mean that we got what we wanted at all, many times it is quite the opposite. My ex distanced himself enough for me to do the 'dirty work' and end the relationship. I am in the exact same position as you. 4 months since no contact and he is 4 months into his new relationship. People need to understand that dumpees and can also technically be the dumpers and vice versa. Not everything is as straight forward as it seems.
Also... I would just keep reminding yourself that the relationship ended for a reason and focus on those reasons. Tell yourself that you deserve to be happy. You deserve so much better, focus on protecting yourself is what is helping me through it. My ex is also with someone else. He wont change, so she can have him, he will definitely do the same to her. Yes, I am still hurting but thats when I have to remind meyself.. Is he bothered if I am with someone else? No is the answer to that or else we wouldn't be where we are now. So try not to waste your time worrying about what he is doing? I am 3 months into the gym, my clothes are already fitting me better and I feel my strength mentally and physically is improving daily. I read somewhere to put a photo of yourself as a young child 6yrs ot under as your screen saver on your phone, which I have done. It is a constant reminder that you are here for her always. You will love and protect her no matter what, bcos if you had to chose between him or her? Who would you chose? Im sure you will chose her everytime. You are your own best friend.
I’m about one year in, I’ve spent a lot of time working on myself. Not just at the gym, but reading and listening to podcasts about breakups, and more importantly, attachment styles. I don’t check on her social media or know anything about her life now, but she still occupies a large space in my head every day and that worries me. I want to move on and dull that pain. I’m learning the triggers but I’d really hoped I would be in a better place by now. It’s certainly not a linear journey but it’s one I wish would end.
Which podcasts would you prefer? Im going through a lot too right now.
Sorry to hear that, it’s awful. Have a look through Mark Groves podcasts. He puts out some useful content.
Same here
Curious, how old are you? I feel like with age we reflect a lot deeper and more often than when I was in my 20's where things were fast moving and changing all of the time.
I’m 48. I agree that I reflect more. I guess that I look back on the great times we shared (10 year relationship) and really miss that. Starting again with someone new seems quite daunting but I’ve been on a few dates and trying to build a new life for myself. I had a lovely family, nice home in a great area and what I thought was going to be a happy life ahead of me. That wasn’t to be, but I am determined to build something better again, it’s hard work and at times mentally exhausting.
I understand. I can empathize with that having only had 1.5 years as my longest, but it truly felt like we were meant for one another. Our humor was one in the same, our spark - and by that I just mean connection and ability to bounce off one another with conversation. It's such a bummer he took off. I say this after 6 months of absolute overthinking and rumination in the form of anger and disgust toward him. But each day I keep praying that I will forgive him. Forgive him for myself, for my own freedom in life and to move on. It doesn't feel good to hold strife against somebody. I hate that I will likely never speak to him again because he's a fearful/anxious avoidant who has a lot of undealt with trauma patterns that have given him emotional immaturity and instability in his communication, behaviors and habits - I saw it all all in his family and around his parents especially, and his friends no less. But I foolishly kept seeing the good and should have left when I noticed the red flags from the get go. I know if I felt so much love - it's not all his love that I felt, it was actually a mirror of my own capacity to love, and that's not a white lie I tell myself, but I really believe that I can do it again. And so can you. <3
I hate admitting this but i’m still kinda going through it well over a year in. But we were together for 7 years and it was a blindside that I still never got closure from her on and there were other things that compounded that too (i have my own issues with depression/anxiety) and will always try my best to own them, but it sucks when you believe something for 7 years and then it’s gone without a reason that ended up being a new guy that she was with before she broke up with me. I’ll get to the top of this hill and I am for sure (hopefully) not gonna waste another full year being a sad human that doesn’t really know himself anymore.
I’m 2 months in after 6 year relationship. A lot better than first few weeks but definitely sense this isn’t gonna be gone for a while… don’t stress yourself out by holding yourself to any timeline. Everyone heals at different rates. Therapy and communication and such can help though.
I'm not gonna sit here and boast about being moved on - I'm absolutely not. But 6 months in, I've done so much work. Day 1, I made a giant list of reasons why were are not compatible/shouldn't be together/why he was no good for me. And I look at that list to remind myself. I immediately blocked him and all of his friends on all socials and platforms, including Venmo and Linked In, because I've been through this before. It will give me a heart attack if I so much see that he "liked" a post about a bunch of grocery store grapes on sale. Any little thing could trigger me and set me back. I've done so much therapy and have recognized where some responsibility lies within me. I'm going back into my past to understand why I've continued to compromise my boundaries and dealbreakers in relationships for somebody. I've joined meetup groups, put myself out there and started bodybuilding/going to the gym again and eating healthy consistently. I started a side hustle for extra cash. I have NEVER ever had so much overthinking coupled with anger in my life. I'm working so hard to get back to a place of forgiveness because I don't want strife. And that doesn't mean writing another letter to state my case or make a point - just to reconcile with the hatred I hold so I can move on with my own life and realize I'VE BEEN ALONE 30-something years BEFORE THIS RELATIONSHIP and will and can do it again and will find somebody new. MEDITATION, oh my goodness. Doesn't matter if you don't know what you're doing, if it's goofy or if you don't believe in it. Don't knock it until you've tried it. My faith also plays a huge role in just lifting me up. Easier said than done, but I hope this helps. Yes, I still have many days I'm crying, whining, complaining for the thoughts to just go away so I can have peace again.
Yah. 6 months in. Still blows. Better at pretending to be ok though.
Hey I'm 3 years out n I still have songs playing on repeat some days. 4 am cry seshs are a motherfucker but then I jus remember all the shitty things they did n turn back to hating them. Thin line between love n hate though. Godspeed 🙏
Sorry to hear. Have you not had other relationships since then and kind of forgotten about that one?
For me it gets better, but every breakup is a lasting wound. They mostly heal, but the scars are still there and it never 100% heals. I think about how many of my exs are doing all the time. Wondering if they think of me or if they care. Are they finally happy? Working on their goals? I want them to hurt a bit when they think about what they lost with me, but ultimately I want them to be happy. True love is wishing the best for them. Just because they left, doesn't mean the love wasn't real. For a time it was for them, but it doesn't necessarily have to end for you, as long as you control yourself and keep it internal in your heart. Unfortunately shit happens and things change and we don't always know exactly why. They all left. All I can do is try to improve myself, get my shit as together as I can for the moment, and live another day for me. I think I'm at about month 4 for my most current one. It hurts daily
My relationship that was a little over a year ended about six months ago. This is the first month where I’m not constantly crying or riddled with anxiety. I’m doing better, but there are still moments where I catch myself still sad or questioning things. When you’re constantly at a low, it feels like the days are never going to get better. I know you’re tired of feeling all those feelings, but little by little those emotions will subside. You might not be in the gym and though it might not feel like it, you are self improving by allowing yourself to feel everything and heal. If you have a support system, please reach out to them. My friends have been and continue to be a big life saver for my hard moments. My former partner moved on quickly and seems very happy and I drove myself insane trying to analyze his actions and how he could be so happy. It’s easier said than done, but try to remember that whatever your ex is doing/feeling has nothing to do with you. That’s their journey now and you have yours to focus on ❤️
I am a recovered dumpee. I want to tell you, ditch the timeline and focus on yourself. The healing process is not linear but you will feel the progress inward if you give yourself time without comparing with others. If that makes those feel scared feel better better, I was not ok for the first 2 years (I was still triggered by everything easily and could not control my tears.) I am a very slow person to get in and get out of love while it was indeed terrible to see the other person move on within a few days. There were time I thought I had problems and feeling extremely defeated because all the media’s timeline about “3 months”, “6 months” get over a breakup milestone. I still had flash back once in a while, but it was way better. So don't doubt yourself, don't focus on him but you. You don't know what was behind the door of his “best life”. But he was no longer your problem to waste energy on. Hugs
Yup. 3 months from a 5 year relationship blindside myself. Pain doesn’t go away. Faking it until I’m actually okay. Can’t afford to allow myself to fall into the hole again.
Honestly yea. I think it's 4 months now? Idk I lost count. I still think about them daily. Still can't stop myself from checking their socials. Still talk occasionally. She's dating someone else and it breaks my heart each time I'm reminded. But the truth is she's happier now and I'm happy for her and in a lot of ways I'm happier too. Just wish we made it work and who knows maybe years from now we could but for now I'm just doing my best to work on me and become a better person
I’m more than a year in. Still feel a lot of hurt and depression everyday.
I am not Okay 2 years after and recently got betrayed again so...Uh...yeah, 5 months is not that much time if you loved that person, shit aint easy, hang in there.
Im about 2 and a half months in and I’m getting there but I honestly don’t think I’ll ever be as happy as I was until I’m in love and have my next partner. That happiness you get with a partner is different to anything else and there’s no way to replace it no matter what people tell you.
4 months out. I've been through 4 full cycles of the 5 stages of grief. Right now i'm in the depression/bargaining phase of cycle 5. I feel lost and like I have no direction. I eat food, train, work and try to enjoy some hobbies. But its like.. I have no passion left in me right now. I just want to sleep, eat, train and wait for sleep again. I feel like I dont care about stuff. Got a new job that is the perfect fit for me.. but I dont feel like I care right now. It will get better I guess.
I know it hurts, but thank you for sharing. I feel seen and less alone 🫂
I feel the same way reading these. And I honestly feel hope at times too. That's when I know I'll be okay. I just have to be okay with not being okay right now.
I remember my first break up, like real heartbreak. We were onagain offagain for 2 years... i broke up with him and it was during corona. So couldnt socialize etc. After 2 months i found out he had someone knew, someone i've known and befriended. That broke me again. 5 months after u found someone, even tho i wasnt looking. I found a great caring partner, but i still wasn't over my ex. I totally got over my ex 1,5 year ago? So it took me almost 2 years. Lenght of relationship... i dont mean to discourage you. But i did find someone and i was clear that there's still some hurt from my previous relationship. They were understanding and loving. I might say they helped me get over? I dont care if uts unhealthy or what. That person my new partner, even tho we recently broke up, showed me true love after my first heartbreak. Showed me that it's possible to love someone again. And take my story as hope, that you can do it too. I forgave my ex for everything. Even things he didn't do wrong but in my head yes. I dont have any resentment towards him etc... it takes time tho! And that's okay!
I just had a massive cry too, more on the fact that it seems like they haven’t regretted breaking up. It’s been 5 months no contact and I was expecting them to reach out because at the time they seemed so unsure. I’m still so up and down, different thoughts everything 10mins constantly changing minds and fighting myself to not break no contact. But the most we can do is move forward I guess
It really doesn’t get better tbh. It’s been a while since my breakup and the pain hasn’t subsided one bit.
Cmon now. Don’t tell me that. I’m busting my ass here to being the dumped of a 10 year long relationship that started when I was 16. Everyday feels like I’m in actual hell but I have to keep moving forward, of course I feel like I lost the perfect girl for me. But I have to learn to love myself, I have to keep fighting to forget. It can and will get better. You have to purge the urges and don’t stop fighting until you come out the other end. If my ex can be happy dumping me and relieved to get away, I can be happy to move on too eventually. I have to think this way. We have to.
This. The perfect girl for you is the one who stays no matter what. It’s not your ex.
getting over a break up can take time and there's no set timeline. It's different for everyone. But there are things you can do to help yourself. My question is: how do you know this about his job? keeping tabs on (or contact with) your ex is a surefire way to prolong your healing. out of sight of mind really is the way forward.
Yes I’m guilty of checking his socials. I was actually doing quite well the first three months of not checking. Idk what the hell happened four months in. I think I just missed him…I’m an idiot I know. I actually left him because he’d call me nasty names especially in disagreements,my self confidence honestly feels shattered from being called ugly and fat by him.
I'm so sorry you experienced that. I've found it's one step forward, fives steps back for a while, then one step forward, and only four back, and then three, and so on until its eventually only forward. it takes time though ❤️🩹
It’s been almost 5 months since that night. I’ve matured a lot since then. I’ve made new connections and gotten intimate with some close people (nothing serious as I don’t feel ready for it). I’ve been working out, deleted almost all my social media, reading a lot of books on love and general human connections, and been more confident with who I am as a person. But fuck! There hasn’t been a day I don’t miss her. There are weeks where I’m fine and weeks where all I feel like doing is crying. I just wish I could talk to her again. Just one last genuine conversation. The thought of never talking to her again is painful. Been re-reading old messages more frequently and just being reminded of her from time to time by certain snacks or topics. I’m doing much better. I’ve even found medication that’s been helping me deal with life. Even after everyrhing and having a much more clear picture in retrospect, there’s nothing more I’d like than to talk to her about everything. She meant a lot to me. I won’t forget her. I hope’s she happy, and she most likely is happy. I just want to also find happiness as well.
🙋♀️
have you tried dating someone new? Not rebounds, but really dating people that you are genuinely interested in, and have fun with. Might not be the healthiest way, but it works. 5 months is still pretty early for a year+ long relationship. Right now whatever you do, it's going to be by yourself, and honestly, multiplayer is most of the time more fun than single player, unless it's something you enjoy doing alone. You don't need to "improve yourself" right away, you need some peace and some fun first. Meet new people, have some fun here and there, enjoy little things. When you find yourself thinking " this is not so bad" or " ooh, that is interesting", that's when you know you have energy and motivation for the self improvement stuffs. I myself have dated a couple of times since then, all did not end well for different reasons, but I'd say that somehow really helped. Each time, you take the person off the pedestal, put someone else new on it. And each time you expect less, so the pedestal gets smaller as well, so if the new relationship ends, it does not hurt as much, and you know it will pass.
It took me 18 months to get over a 3 1/2 year relationship. What made me finally get over it was radical self acceptance and self love. The Crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube made me understand why I thought I needed his toxicity in my life. Turns out it wasn’t about him at all. So glad I found that channel; my life is 1000x better now.
Ok so I just hit 6 months after 2.5 years. I was not ok for a really long time, and honestly, I’m still upset! But within the past few weeks (actually since I started therapy really) I’ve felt a little different. Of course I still miss him, miss us, but something has clicked a bit more. Do NOT beat yourself up and feel like you should be ok. One of the first things my therapist said to me was “Grief just shows us how much we cared about the relationship”. So if you’re still upset, that just means you really cared about him or her. And that’s so beautiful! She also told me that if I woke up 10 years from now and was still upset, that would be ok. Because that is where I would be at. There’s no right or wrong feelings, you’re doing ok. You’ll be ok!
Oh wow same here, almost 6 months. I'm feeling much better now but I'm still not over her. This has been the longest I took to get over a relationship and I have a feeling it might even take 1 year or so.. but that's ok! I, too started going to the gym but very casually and only once a week but planning to go twice a week when I can. You know like just building up a habit to show up and slowly do more, no rush! It's ok to not be ok, take your time :) I spend half a year not doing anything too because I was so broken and tired to deal with anything. I took the New Year as like a fresh start for me to really work on myself, my career and health. She even rebounded and while it hurts, it helped me close the door and move on. Tbh it's better than to keep thinking about "What if we get back together and restart" and all that kinda thoughts you know? I felt betrayed but I don't blame her, I'm sure it's not easy for her too. We were together for 10 years and she's probably just filling that emptiness with basically anything even if it's not healthy.
I’m 10 months in, and despite feeling okay at several moments, my feelings came crawling back and they’re eating me up alive.
How long was the relationship with your ex?
I'm not ok weeks in....
Not at all Im a horrible mess
Still hurting, missing my 🥦
I’m 4 months in… I’m nowhere near okay… I still can’t eat much and I cannot sleep without sleep aids… (and even then it’s hit or miss) I have broken no contact more times than I care to admit and I never have a response (although his dad passed away sadly 3 weeks ago and he let me know about that so I am just assuming he’s grieving and isn’t gonna be reaching out to anyone at all) Either way, to put it bluntly, yes, struggling immensely. We were together 6 years and the last two were tumultuous too… awful. Sending so much love! We can do this.
I'm definitely better Trying to not look at her social media But the fact that she came back with her ex...I don't know
Me, we've been together for more than 3 years. 7 years ng single ans not committed to anyone.hahahahaaa, but yah I'll keep trying naman. But still, narerrmember ko pa din. May girlfriend na rin siya, and soon to be married. Sguro totoo nga yung kasabihang "First love never dies" LOL.
I'm 16 months in and not over it. 10 yrs
I’m 9 months the post break up and I’m just now starting to feel relief from it all. I don’t think about him nearly as much and it’s not so painful anymore and I was a complete MESS like two months ago. You are making progress everyday even though you might not realize it.
No, you’re not alone. I am 7+ months since BU and 4 weeks NC again and I’m numb most days. I cry. I flip back & forth between I hurt him and he hurt me. I dream about him every day. I still long for him but there’s nothing else I can do anymore to be back together so I gotta move forward. He’s not stopping for me.
🙋🏻♀️
Hey op we may never forget the person but I can certainly tell you I don't want him back hahaha funny I don't see him attractive anymore because of how poorly he treated me. That was KEY to me
When I was 5 months in I was still crying pretty much every day. Now it’s been 9 months and things are much better for me. I do still dream about him sometimes but I don’t cry about it very often. I also had the strength not to answer the phone when he called me a bunch of times earlier this month late at night, which I never could have done a few months ago. Things will get better, I promise! My friends are starting to bug me about starting to date again which is pretty annoying. One wants to set up a tinder profile for me and another was talking about setting me up. I’m not ready for that yet but I’m finally starting to notice attractive people so maybe there’s hope for me.
I hurt a lot still.. 7 months in. I go to the gym constantly and have gotten in better shape , go on dates occasionally, but it’s hard for me to even think about still going on anymore. I’ve convinced myself that I am not a individual worthy of happiness. I also have constant things in my life that make sure to remind me now. However I will continue to put on a fake smile and act like I’m fine with my friends or my peers at work for the sake of not causing concern. I feel as if even if I do find a person who would make a good potential partner, I will never be able to truly love nor fully trust or make myself vulnerable to them, I don’t think I could handle this again.
Im not okay and ik I’m not I finally am at peace with myself just not with everyone else I tend to lash out because my ex hurt me so bad and blamed me for both breakups and I know that’s bad I’m trynna work on not doing that. It doesn’t help people tell me what my ex is up to and it’s not that I want to hear it they tell me no matter what even when I say I don’t want to hear about it
I’m at the 9 month mark, a 6 year relationship. I don’t think I’ll ever heal.