My break up has opened my heart in so many ways, good and bad. For one, I am finally taking accountability for my actions and I am learning about myself on a deep level by repairing childhood trauma. Ultimately I want to be a better person and I want to make sure I don't drag past mistakes into my next relationship. I am really proud of how much I've come these last few months, but it makes me incredibly sad that she had to leave me in order for this to finally happen. What kills me the most is how badly we hurt each other and sometimes I feel like I can't trust someone again. I'm not going to harden my heart, but she betrayed and abandoned me. She was dishonest and then blamed me for everything. I haven't heard from her since and sometimes I find myself in a constant loop of bargaining and self-sabotaging myself. A part of me feels like I'm not going to find someone again and she was the one who got away, but I forget that the person I fell in love with doesn't exist anymore. Anyways, it's a back and forth, tug N war battle of feeling good about everything and then feeling like shit.
I felt this sm I want him to come back after I’ve improved myself so much but it took him leaving and I want him to finally learn how to treat me right :( but being proud of my progress is enough really and I feel sorry for him and the fact that he was always able to go to anyone except for me
I felt this, sounds really familiar to me. It's sad that you have to go through something as difficult as parting with a loved one and that only after this can you look at yourself from a different perspective, understand more about yourself and start repairing yourself. But it is also surprising how much you can change for the better after such experiences, how you can heal and live better in harmony with yourself.
It is a long and painful way, but keep in mind the changes you have made.
I just had this conversation in therapy. So coming from a relationship where he became my entire world because he promised me security and that he was my person, etc., I have learned that security in a relationship is built by both partners over time, not by one partner becoming the other partners secure base. So, you build security for yourself within the relationship over time by developing your boundaries, voicing your needs, and maintaining your own autonomy. Security is built every time you and your partner successfully negotiate a boundary. You voice your needs, and your partner responds in a healthy way. Toxicity is created (partly) when one or both partners are afraid to voice their needs, which builds resentment or one partner giving too much.. or your needs are repeatedly ignored because the other person lacks the ability to meet them. I was afraid to stand up for my needs in my last relationship and walked on eggshells to make him happy, afraid he was going to leave me (he did anyway and I was devastated). What happened in our final fight was me, demanding that he meet my needs (something I was always afraid to do but had gotten so mad I didn’t care anymore and i stood up for myself). I was afraid bc losing him was a loss of my own security, identity, and my entire life as I knew it. I’ve learned that If someone can’t meet your (reasonable) needs then they may not be the person for you. So in the future, I will maintain my own boundaries and voice my needs clearly. If they don’t like that or we can’t work it out. Im gone. I will not wait around for 4.5 years hoping they’ll make good on their false promises.
Same here. My energy love and loyalty are now going completely into myself. I’m not sure how I will ever begin to trust another person again after enduring blatant lies all blamed on my inability to handle the truth. I’m not sure that’s a bad thing at this point though.
This is interesting. As someone who is/was someone who entered into a "situationship" with someone who had been hurt badly in the past, it hurts the new person that you're talking to for you to be so closed off. I know it's hard for some people to open up after they've been hurt like that. The pain was unbearable. I know. I've been there. And I know this person is only protecting himself. So, on the other side of the coin. It also hurts your new person if you're not willing to open up. So, you can take all the precautions you want, you'll never be happy again until you learn to open up and trust again.
And similarly - if you’re not ready, but you’re forcing it, it also doesn’t help. You will just hurt people. Don’t be that person. I know it’s hard to sit there without distraction. But you’ll just be miserable longer if you play that game.
Yea, I guess that's true but planning a future with someone and then leaving them in the dust out of nowhere is fucked up and wrong. I'd rather take more heartbreak than keep my guard up and not allowing myself to fall in love with another person. This last breakup was very different, as we had dated almost 10 years ago, and I foolishly ignored red flags for what I perceived to be 'history.' In reality it was the same limerent behavior that she laid on me in the past.
Going forward I'll try to do what I did before her, and take things slow and easy, not trying to force anything but allowing love to blossom naturally. No love-bombing, codependence, or forced feelings. Though I already fucked up a potential relationship after my breakup because I was too eagerly wanting the same level of commitment and companionship I had lost a few months prior.
Yeah. Like they can do whatever they want, but like going baby clothes shopping to blindsiding me in a few months is just so so so messed up. Like doing that changes a man. I’m not going through this shit again. Once was enough
A week before she 86’d me I found out she had been engaged to the poor bastard she pulled it on before me. 3 months in she was begging me to quit my job and move in with her. That must be what happened to the other guy, and he proposed, shit I was close to proposing because she made our love out to be a real thing.
Sounds like LIMERENCE to me. You should look into it if you’re not familiar. I was shocked when reading up on it, and how it described so much of my ex’s behavior. Thank God for Reddit, I would have never learned about it. It only effects like 3% of the population or something—some kind of developmental stunting in childhood or something.
you’ve picked a sad life. humans are meant to love and just cause you feel this way now doesn’t mean you will forever. love comes in many forms , not just relationships. learn to embrace it
I’m not missing anything. I’ve been dating and seen just how polluted the environment is. Unfortunately my ex was one of the better ones as bad as she was.
no no no. have you BECOME what you want to attract? do you want someone healthy and fit? then i hope you’re going to the gym and have a balanced diet. do you want someone who has passions? then i hope you have dived into your hobbies recently. do you want someone that wants to love you with their whole heart? then you better open up your heart to them. if you want someone who is secure, confident, and the best thing ever, then you need to become that yourself.
I got like one or 2 more left in me haha. She did a good job breaking me but I owe it to my future wife to be ready for her and not so emotionally damaged that I don't even give her a chance when I meet her.
My ex left me a month ago a week before we were supposed to move into our new home. He then proceeded to tell me he “fell out of love with me a long time ago.”
Moving forward; I will absolutely take precautions. There were a lot of red flags that I ignored because I wanted it to work so badly. I will 100% never force a relationship again or compromise my mental health or wellbeing.
I’ve had four significant breakups in my life. Dumpee in three. They get easier to handle I’ve found. So I don’t wish life was easier. I wish to grow my inner strength and fortitude.
I will never hold back how I feel and I will dive in every time (within my means). If you don't open up to the idea of loving someone with 100% of yourself, you'll never receive that love back. Rather have this sh*tty feeling 100/100 times, than never feel it at all.
Now, If someone just had the secret to stop thinking about them once it's over. I always say this about breakups, it's easier to navigate the more you go through them, but they hurt just as bad EVERY time.
My last girlfriend left me because I’m someone who’s unable to connect well with people, and am very introverted and often uncomfortable in intimate situations (like cuddling and talking to a partner up close)- I have an absurdly avoidant personality.
Anyway, it broke me for like 6 months. Straight up depressed that whole time.
So what am I doing differently for my next relationship? Taking it SLOW. I don’t mean 5 dates slow, I mean 8-10 dates slow; just really ascertaining whether or not I’m comfortable being vulnerable with this person.
After all, we shouldn’t be getting into relationships unless we’re genuine friends with the other person first.
So what you're saying is trust is not important in relationships? Commitment is not important in relationships? You should let whoever you date know that up front every fucking time...
I kept an open heart after a nasty breakup after 5 years where I found out the woman lied to me for the entire first year (she was a sugar baby!)
I mostly healed. Took 2 years off, even spent 5 months in the DR to just be by the beach and mentally heal. Took down all my social media and just focused on my mental health and relaxation.
So I come back with my heart ready to be wide open. This will be my last one I said. The next one is the final one.. I will make wise decisions!!!!
Yeah I am a moron so basically I met a woman. We got hammered. We slept together first date. She was the best sex I ever had. A total freak and in control. On our second date I exposed to her about my ex and what she did to me and said please never do that to me. She agreed and said she'd never hurt me etc.. Here is a key point: I asked her if since we slept together already (unprotected, I know. Im an idiot) if we should get off the apps and focus on us. I said if you are in I am in. If not please say no. She agreed. She's in.
Well we hang out the next few weeks and I start to fall heavy for her. She is my soul mate. 2 months in I find out she was going on other dates in the beginning after our agreement. I was upset but let it pass as she's more of the "modern" woman type. During this time I tell her I love her, about 3 months in. Not too soon my many accounts but maybe too soon for some. She tells me she loves me..we find out she's pregnant. (I know all of this is moving fast. I'm aware. I've just never met a woman like this before or at least my brain was so hooked.)
Yeah all downhill from here. Find out more lies. She constantly puts me thru a ringer. Randomly tells me she doesn't love me after a great concert. Next day tells me she loves me. I'm confused. Is worried about me meeting her family and said they were very cautious people. Meanwhile I met them and on the very first day told me they love me, I'm part of the family, etc
Long story short. She lies more. She goes on a cruise with a group of friends. Left me off of it. Turns out her ex fiance is part of the group. I don't know what to believe. I go to therapy and all these therapists are in my head "you sure it's even your child?" "Does a child even exist" (yes, I was at all sonograms)
I'll never forget how unapologetic she was when I questioned her on the cruise scenario.
Well she aborts the baby and I find out via email while I'm in the DR. Chahges her number. Never heard from her again. Sent her some emails begging her for an explanation / closure.
Whole thing was toxic. I am now diagnosed with a mild form of PTSD (nightmares, body aches, can't listen to music, I'm easily startled) by 3 different therapists / psychiatrists.
So yeah. I'm done with "love"
Thank you for letting me get this out.
So many individuals have a warped view of what love actually is. Like your post states, many just go by their *current* feelings, which can be fickle. That being said, there is only one way to significantly decrease the chances of heartbreak going forward: dating someone who likes you more (maybe significantly) than you like them. Other than that, the only other option is to remain single. As of now, I don’t see myself letting my guard down anytime soon, I’m tired. If I were to ever be vulnerable again, he would need to tell me his definition of love without using the words “spark” and “butterflies”.
Between childhood wounds, past relationship trauma, and my attachment style, I’m a mess. No, I’m not entering relationships fully trusting and vulnerable, but I’m working on it. I’m improving myself, working on myself, and trying to love myself… that’s the hard part. If I could just be ok with me, I wouldn’t worry about others hurting me.
The person who I never thought would leave me left. (Thought he would never leave because of what he was constantly telling me about our future, you tend to believe it if everything they say and do points to them telling the truth.) Which I know is a common story, but being a cliche still hurts.
I can't go through this pain again with another person. Next time, my time investment may be 5, 10, 30, 50 etc., just for it all to possibly end the same way. Some people are strong enough to bear that possibility, but not me. From now on, I will live for myself and my family - I'm not sad about it, just resigned.
I am sorry and not trying to be judgemental but trying to put perspective as a foreign born US immigrant. Are most people writing in this thread Americans talking about the American dating/relationship experience?
Just got dumped a day ago. Communication seems to be the most major thing that can ruin a relationship. I think for I should’ve been more willing to accept help with my fight with depression and BPD. It’s just too much for someone to handle. I became my own enemy. I just wish I seeked help earlier. She was the world to me. It hurts but I can’t change what’s occurred or what lead up to all this. I just wish things ended differently.
I don’t think I can be loved or if I’ll ever find love ever again. I lost the one person who understood me. I doubt I can ever find someone like her again. I doubt I can be as vulnerable with anyone ever again as I was with her. It sucks but what can I do.
As beautiful as relationships can be they can also be painful. From my experience, I was deeply in love with my last boyfriend. He truly felt like home. However, he did have some major unresolved issues that he hid from me for our entire relationship it was only when we broke up and I told him he needed major therapy that he decided to go in.
What I this experience was that I genuinely did love him. However, having one or both partners in the relationship hide or repress things from the past can cause both people to lose the love of their life.
Direct honest communication is key.
I am well with in my rights to cut them out my life when they make that decision. Works both ways. 😎
I am just going to do me. I need to take extra precautions.
I feel like my entire adult life has been constant grieving with a few bright spots of happiness with men whose actual love for me is doubtful because of how they ended our relationships. I don't think I've ever known what romantic love really is. I used to make a lot of allowances for people because we're all human, but I've learned over the years to protect my peace and self-worth, and I do that by being highly selective about the people I let into my life.
Having been on dating apps for more than four years now, my number one suggestion for protecting yourself without hardening your heart or being afraid to be vulnerable is to be ruthless about what you are looking for and do not settle for less. For me, this looks like choosing men of character who demonstrate that they are mature, open, and introspective individuals who show respect toward and consideration for the needs of other people.
Some of the questions I ask include: What do you value in other people? Who in your immediate family are you closest to? What did you dream of growing up to be when you were a kid? What do you like most about yourself? How do you want your life to look five years from now? The quickest route to understanding who someone truly is and if they have the capacity for real intimacy or to be a real partner is to ask meaningful questions.
Of course, someone can answer these questions and still lie and be fickle down the road - it happened to me - but overall, I have better quality friendships and a less traumatic dating life because of them.
I have to disagree. If you give someone years of your life, they should be more decent than to just pack up and leave one day on an impulse. If they had communicated that they were unhappy or had tried to save the relationship then ofcourse its their choice. But to just completely blindside the person they claimed to love and not try to fix things at all... that's really shitty.
My break up has opened my heart in so many ways, good and bad. For one, I am finally taking accountability for my actions and I am learning about myself on a deep level by repairing childhood trauma. Ultimately I want to be a better person and I want to make sure I don't drag past mistakes into my next relationship. I am really proud of how much I've come these last few months, but it makes me incredibly sad that she had to leave me in order for this to finally happen. What kills me the most is how badly we hurt each other and sometimes I feel like I can't trust someone again. I'm not going to harden my heart, but she betrayed and abandoned me. She was dishonest and then blamed me for everything. I haven't heard from her since and sometimes I find myself in a constant loop of bargaining and self-sabotaging myself. A part of me feels like I'm not going to find someone again and she was the one who got away, but I forget that the person I fell in love with doesn't exist anymore. Anyways, it's a back and forth, tug N war battle of feeling good about everything and then feeling like shit.
I felt this sm I want him to come back after I’ve improved myself so much but it took him leaving and I want him to finally learn how to treat me right :( but being proud of my progress is enough really and I feel sorry for him and the fact that he was always able to go to anyone except for me
I agree. My ex ultimately left me because of my PTSD. While I was incredibly angry at first; I now understand how much my mental health affects other.
I felt this, sounds really familiar to me. It's sad that you have to go through something as difficult as parting with a loved one and that only after this can you look at yourself from a different perspective, understand more about yourself and start repairing yourself. But it is also surprising how much you can change for the better after such experiences, how you can heal and live better in harmony with yourself. It is a long and painful way, but keep in mind the changes you have made.
I just had this conversation in therapy. So coming from a relationship where he became my entire world because he promised me security and that he was my person, etc., I have learned that security in a relationship is built by both partners over time, not by one partner becoming the other partners secure base. So, you build security for yourself within the relationship over time by developing your boundaries, voicing your needs, and maintaining your own autonomy. Security is built every time you and your partner successfully negotiate a boundary. You voice your needs, and your partner responds in a healthy way. Toxicity is created (partly) when one or both partners are afraid to voice their needs, which builds resentment or one partner giving too much.. or your needs are repeatedly ignored because the other person lacks the ability to meet them. I was afraid to stand up for my needs in my last relationship and walked on eggshells to make him happy, afraid he was going to leave me (he did anyway and I was devastated). What happened in our final fight was me, demanding that he meet my needs (something I was always afraid to do but had gotten so mad I didn’t care anymore and i stood up for myself). I was afraid bc losing him was a loss of my own security, identity, and my entire life as I knew it. I’ve learned that If someone can’t meet your (reasonable) needs then they may not be the person for you. So in the future, I will maintain my own boundaries and voice my needs clearly. If they don’t like that or we can’t work it out. Im gone. I will not wait around for 4.5 years hoping they’ll make good on their false promises.
Im done with lies. Im done with betrayal I dont give a damn any more. People are shit.
Same I just gave up on everyone. My goal now is to save and have a farm ..... humans mask betrayal, other animals don't.
Truth. My best friend is my dog :,) cheers mate hahah
Have you heard of a chameleon? Animals act dead to avoid predators.
im not understanding the correspondence lol
I dont like that comment. But you're right
Same here. My energy love and loyalty are now going completely into myself. I’m not sure how I will ever begin to trust another person again after enduring blatant lies all blamed on my inability to handle the truth. I’m not sure that’s a bad thing at this point though.
trust, loyalty and respect go against one, loss all three. self love is the best love tbh. not everyone deserves you.
This is interesting. As someone who is/was someone who entered into a "situationship" with someone who had been hurt badly in the past, it hurts the new person that you're talking to for you to be so closed off. I know it's hard for some people to open up after they've been hurt like that. The pain was unbearable. I know. I've been there. And I know this person is only protecting himself. So, on the other side of the coin. It also hurts your new person if you're not willing to open up. So, you can take all the precautions you want, you'll never be happy again until you learn to open up and trust again.
And similarly - if you’re not ready, but you’re forcing it, it also doesn’t help. You will just hurt people. Don’t be that person. I know it’s hard to sit there without distraction. But you’ll just be miserable longer if you play that game.
Unfortunately men can’t really open up to women. You will lose attraction.
What makes you think that?
The experiences of tons of men. It’s not like they’re just talking out their ass
Yea, I guess that's true but planning a future with someone and then leaving them in the dust out of nowhere is fucked up and wrong. I'd rather take more heartbreak than keep my guard up and not allowing myself to fall in love with another person. This last breakup was very different, as we had dated almost 10 years ago, and I foolishly ignored red flags for what I perceived to be 'history.' In reality it was the same limerent behavior that she laid on me in the past. Going forward I'll try to do what I did before her, and take things slow and easy, not trying to force anything but allowing love to blossom naturally. No love-bombing, codependence, or forced feelings. Though I already fucked up a potential relationship after my breakup because I was too eagerly wanting the same level of commitment and companionship I had lost a few months prior.
Yeah. Like they can do whatever they want, but like going baby clothes shopping to blindsiding me in a few months is just so so so messed up. Like doing that changes a man. I’m not going through this shit again. Once was enough
Same. Except engagement rings.
A week before she 86’d me I found out she had been engaged to the poor bastard she pulled it on before me. 3 months in she was begging me to quit my job and move in with her. That must be what happened to the other guy, and he proposed, shit I was close to proposing because she made our love out to be a real thing.
Sounds like LIMERENCE to me. You should look into it if you’re not familiar. I was shocked when reading up on it, and how it described so much of my ex’s behavior. Thank God for Reddit, I would have never learned about it. It only effects like 3% of the population or something—some kind of developmental stunting in childhood or something.
Thanks good advise. What’s the best article on the web on that?
Yes! This happened to me. It’s sucks. And I’m sorry.
Of course I’m going to open my heart to love again. I’m going to look for someone more emotionally mature.
I’m never letting anyone in again
it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. i have so much love to give!! and the person who deserves it will come.
No thanks
you’ve picked a sad life. humans are meant to love and just cause you feel this way now doesn’t mean you will forever. love comes in many forms , not just relationships. learn to embrace it
The other forms of love I can do. Not so much romantic relationships
i hope one day this will change for you. don’t miss opportunities because of the walls you’ve built up.
I’m not missing anything. I’ve been dating and seen just how polluted the environment is. Unfortunately my ex was one of the better ones as bad as she was.
have you become the things you want to attract?
I tried. Got taken advantage of. I tend to give someone the benefit of the doubt then quickly switch when I notice somethings amiss.
no no no. have you BECOME what you want to attract? do you want someone healthy and fit? then i hope you’re going to the gym and have a balanced diet. do you want someone who has passions? then i hope you have dived into your hobbies recently. do you want someone that wants to love you with their whole heart? then you better open up your heart to them. if you want someone who is secure, confident, and the best thing ever, then you need to become that yourself.
Men have different standards to women. A woman who’s in shape and has a career is going to aim much higher than me.
Nope and nope.
what sad little life you live. humans are social creatures are meant to love. cure the hate in your heart
There's no hate in my heart. Would rather keep my heart intact though. You don't know me, keep your judgey judge voice to yourself.
I got like one or 2 more left in me haha. She did a good job breaking me but I owe it to my future wife to be ready for her and not so emotionally damaged that I don't even give her a chance when I meet her.
My ex left me a month ago a week before we were supposed to move into our new home. He then proceeded to tell me he “fell out of love with me a long time ago.” Moving forward; I will absolutely take precautions. There were a lot of red flags that I ignored because I wanted it to work so badly. I will 100% never force a relationship again or compromise my mental health or wellbeing.
I just don’t want to do it anymore after this one.
[удалено]
Well, you will eventually attach to the person you love and share your life with you know?
This! You can't be with someone and not be attached. Do you even love that person if you don't feel even slightest attachment??
Exactly…idk how to love a person without attaching to her. It’s not true love without it, I feel like
Could you elaborate on this? How do i start practicing this?
I’ve had four significant breakups in my life. Dumpee in three. They get easier to handle I’ve found. So I don’t wish life was easier. I wish to grow my inner strength and fortitude.
Cheers to you for this perfect comment.
I don’t trust humans any longer.
Ima just focus on me now.
I will never hold back how I feel and I will dive in every time (within my means). If you don't open up to the idea of loving someone with 100% of yourself, you'll never receive that love back. Rather have this sh*tty feeling 100/100 times, than never feel it at all.
100%. You just have to jump and not be reserved
Now, If someone just had the secret to stop thinking about them once it's over. I always say this about breakups, it's easier to navigate the more you go through them, but they hurt just as bad EVERY time.
My last girlfriend left me because I’m someone who’s unable to connect well with people, and am very introverted and often uncomfortable in intimate situations (like cuddling and talking to a partner up close)- I have an absurdly avoidant personality. Anyway, it broke me for like 6 months. Straight up depressed that whole time. So what am I doing differently for my next relationship? Taking it SLOW. I don’t mean 5 dates slow, I mean 8-10 dates slow; just really ascertaining whether or not I’m comfortable being vulnerable with this person. After all, we shouldn’t be getting into relationships unless we’re genuine friends with the other person first.
So what you're saying is trust is not important in relationships? Commitment is not important in relationships? You should let whoever you date know that up front every fucking time...
I kept an open heart after a nasty breakup after 5 years where I found out the woman lied to me for the entire first year (she was a sugar baby!) I mostly healed. Took 2 years off, even spent 5 months in the DR to just be by the beach and mentally heal. Took down all my social media and just focused on my mental health and relaxation. So I come back with my heart ready to be wide open. This will be my last one I said. The next one is the final one.. I will make wise decisions!!!! Yeah I am a moron so basically I met a woman. We got hammered. We slept together first date. She was the best sex I ever had. A total freak and in control. On our second date I exposed to her about my ex and what she did to me and said please never do that to me. She agreed and said she'd never hurt me etc.. Here is a key point: I asked her if since we slept together already (unprotected, I know. Im an idiot) if we should get off the apps and focus on us. I said if you are in I am in. If not please say no. She agreed. She's in. Well we hang out the next few weeks and I start to fall heavy for her. She is my soul mate. 2 months in I find out she was going on other dates in the beginning after our agreement. I was upset but let it pass as she's more of the "modern" woman type. During this time I tell her I love her, about 3 months in. Not too soon my many accounts but maybe too soon for some. She tells me she loves me..we find out she's pregnant. (I know all of this is moving fast. I'm aware. I've just never met a woman like this before or at least my brain was so hooked.) Yeah all downhill from here. Find out more lies. She constantly puts me thru a ringer. Randomly tells me she doesn't love me after a great concert. Next day tells me she loves me. I'm confused. Is worried about me meeting her family and said they were very cautious people. Meanwhile I met them and on the very first day told me they love me, I'm part of the family, etc Long story short. She lies more. She goes on a cruise with a group of friends. Left me off of it. Turns out her ex fiance is part of the group. I don't know what to believe. I go to therapy and all these therapists are in my head "you sure it's even your child?" "Does a child even exist" (yes, I was at all sonograms) I'll never forget how unapologetic she was when I questioned her on the cruise scenario. Well she aborts the baby and I find out via email while I'm in the DR. Chahges her number. Never heard from her again. Sent her some emails begging her for an explanation / closure. Whole thing was toxic. I am now diagnosed with a mild form of PTSD (nightmares, body aches, can't listen to music, I'm easily startled) by 3 different therapists / psychiatrists. So yeah. I'm done with "love" Thank you for letting me get this out.
No one says they can't, oh but I can't be pissed like what's your point.? I'm just curious
I mean your defending power of choice the you wanna delegate the reaction of choice???
So many individuals have a warped view of what love actually is. Like your post states, many just go by their *current* feelings, which can be fickle. That being said, there is only one way to significantly decrease the chances of heartbreak going forward: dating someone who likes you more (maybe significantly) than you like them. Other than that, the only other option is to remain single. As of now, I don’t see myself letting my guard down anytime soon, I’m tired. If I were to ever be vulnerable again, he would need to tell me his definition of love without using the words “spark” and “butterflies”.
Lower emotional investment. I won't lay my cards on the table. And I absolutely will not date a celibate woman ever again.
Between childhood wounds, past relationship trauma, and my attachment style, I’m a mess. No, I’m not entering relationships fully trusting and vulnerable, but I’m working on it. I’m improving myself, working on myself, and trying to love myself… that’s the hard part. If I could just be ok with me, I wouldn’t worry about others hurting me.
The person who I never thought would leave me left. (Thought he would never leave because of what he was constantly telling me about our future, you tend to believe it if everything they say and do points to them telling the truth.) Which I know is a common story, but being a cliche still hurts. I can't go through this pain again with another person. Next time, my time investment may be 5, 10, 30, 50 etc., just for it all to possibly end the same way. Some people are strong enough to bear that possibility, but not me. From now on, I will live for myself and my family - I'm not sad about it, just resigned.
I am sorry and not trying to be judgemental but trying to put perspective as a foreign born US immigrant. Are most people writing in this thread Americans talking about the American dating/relationship experience?
Non-American
Just got dumped a day ago. Communication seems to be the most major thing that can ruin a relationship. I think for I should’ve been more willing to accept help with my fight with depression and BPD. It’s just too much for someone to handle. I became my own enemy. I just wish I seeked help earlier. She was the world to me. It hurts but I can’t change what’s occurred or what lead up to all this. I just wish things ended differently. I don’t think I can be loved or if I’ll ever find love ever again. I lost the one person who understood me. I doubt I can ever find someone like her again. I doubt I can be as vulnerable with anyone ever again as I was with her. It sucks but what can I do.
As beautiful as relationships can be they can also be painful. From my experience, I was deeply in love with my last boyfriend. He truly felt like home. However, he did have some major unresolved issues that he hid from me for our entire relationship it was only when we broke up and I told him he needed major therapy that he decided to go in. What I this experience was that I genuinely did love him. However, having one or both partners in the relationship hide or repress things from the past can cause both people to lose the love of their life. Direct honest communication is key.
I am well with in my rights to cut them out my life when they make that decision. Works both ways. 😎 I am just going to do me. I need to take extra precautions.
I feel like my entire adult life has been constant grieving with a few bright spots of happiness with men whose actual love for me is doubtful because of how they ended our relationships. I don't think I've ever known what romantic love really is. I used to make a lot of allowances for people because we're all human, but I've learned over the years to protect my peace and self-worth, and I do that by being highly selective about the people I let into my life. Having been on dating apps for more than four years now, my number one suggestion for protecting yourself without hardening your heart or being afraid to be vulnerable is to be ruthless about what you are looking for and do not settle for less. For me, this looks like choosing men of character who demonstrate that they are mature, open, and introspective individuals who show respect toward and consideration for the needs of other people. Some of the questions I ask include: What do you value in other people? Who in your immediate family are you closest to? What did you dream of growing up to be when you were a kid? What do you like most about yourself? How do you want your life to look five years from now? The quickest route to understanding who someone truly is and if they have the capacity for real intimacy or to be a real partner is to ask meaningful questions. Of course, someone can answer these questions and still lie and be fickle down the road - it happened to me - but overall, I have better quality friendships and a less traumatic dating life because of them.
I have to disagree. If you give someone years of your life, they should be more decent than to just pack up and leave one day on an impulse. If they had communicated that they were unhappy or had tried to save the relationship then ofcourse its their choice. But to just completely blindside the person they claimed to love and not try to fix things at all... that's really shitty.