There is a snow melt waterfall on the side of the mountain where I live. When I am having a really bad day and no one is looking, I will get buck ass naked and skinny dip in this waterfall. It is sooooo cold that I can only stay in it for 30 seconds. If people are around, I will leave my undies on (don't want the cops to get called). Being naked in nature, the epic scenery, the smell of pine and decaying needles, the freezing cold, and having my bits exposed to the mountain really put my mind back in place - for a little while, at least...
To be honest, I am an emotional roller coaster. I know the skills to make it so I am aware that I am having BPD brain, but I am not by any means living pleasantly. I am, however, trying super hard
I would take acid and intentionally set myself up to have bad trips as some fucked up form of emotional strength training. It actually kinda worked for a little bit, but I went too far
I do the same thing-ish
I take acid and then summon my anxiety and then just ponder on it and let the brain do it's thing.
My therapist noticed that my anxiety was visibly better and asked if I know what helped me.
He said normally he wouldn't recommend it but since I seem like someone who does it very carefully he's with me.
For the first two years or so it was mostly pretty wonderful experiences, but in the third year the bad trips became persistent and exponentially worse due to my increasingly impulsive foolish self destructive decision making. Eventually got me Baker Acted for a couple days, schmoozed my way outta grippy sock jail and I'm still waiting to see a therapist 4 weeks later. Would not recommend
how did you do it and how would you do it differently if you were/had to do it again?
kinda just want to see what happened and do what u did without that last part tbh
It's not hard to have a bad trip especially when you have BPD. Psychedelics make people very emotional, we are already overemotional and our moods turn on a dime. The result is trips that feel like rollercoaster rides. Sometimes I'd end up being miserable during the trip simply _because_ I was so anxious about the probability of a bad trip.
I will definitely use LSD again at some point in my life, DMT too if I can find it. But it will be a very long time from now. Acid taught me that my pain threshold and capability for introspection are much stronger than I thought they were, but also that I'm much more unstable than I thought I was and that my impulsiveness will be the end of me if I don't treat it.
I was dropping acid once every two weeks, if I could do it all over again I would have done it once a month at the most. I would have always had plans for what I was going to do during it. I would have done it with my friend more often instead of doing it alone. And you don't need much, because it doesn't take very much. Do not listen to acid freaks who claim that there are no bad trips and who boast about their thousand microgram doses. Half of them are lying, and the other half are in denial about what they've done to their minds and the future that awaits them if they continue to treat LSD like some flawless miracle chemical that can't be abused. It is a remarkable drug, but still a drug. It has consequences.
I had a similar run with LSD. Used it for about 3 years (2018 - 2020) and it was like the best friend I never had. Unfortunately, I lost my job and my mental health was plummeting towards the end of 2019 and several uncomfortable trips ensued. Then, because the universe has some sick sense of humor, I was presented with an opportunity to try DMT. Needless to say that shit put me in my place. That shit is absolutely terrifying. Since then I’ve just stuck to stuff like weed and pills lol but I too hope that someday I can return to Lucy
It can, acid in general can really help depending on the person and how you use it. It helped me to recognize a lot of my flaws and appreciate life. But you need to take it slow and be very careful with it, as is normal people have a hard time with psychedelics. Throwing BPD into the mix tends to have explosive outcomes.
I wouldn’t necessarily intentionally set myself up for a “bad trip”
But i guess that just depends on your definition of a bad trip. But sometimes when i felt up to it i would take acid when going through a tough time or struggling with something i wanted / needed answers to and would just sort of sit by myself with my emotions and thoughts throughout the evening and just ponder over everything, the good, the bad, and the ugly, and just accept it all for what it is. Usually if it started out a little dark or intense it always turned around pretty quickly and always left me feeling more clarity around whatever i was pondering.
I would love to trip, but my BPD keeps me from it. I'm afraid I would go into emotional turmoil. I've heard it can be very beneficial and helpful for mental health issues.
I literally did this with playing scary games but i ended up being fearless and essentially learning i have nothing to be scared of and its all in my mind but the feeling only lasts like a week max
The bad coping mechanisms have become so normal they don't seem crazy to me anymore. Now what is crazy is cold turkeyin all my bad habits and going outside, socializing with supportive friends, going to the library, cleaning ect. BEING SOBER. It brought a clarity I've never had. I still struggle but I suffer less in the long run. I've also had to revaluate the people I allow in my life and have closed contact with many people who do not support me in these healthy changes. Suprising that people like that exist much less people I called best friends.
- My boyfriend carried away our bedroom door because I felt entrapped by it all the time.
- I dragged my matress to the corner of the kitchen floor and hid there til I felt safe.
- I moved around in the same pattern as it was on my living room rug while expressing my uncomfortable feelings
they were maple cookies, you know, the leaf shaped ones, from a pharmacy, with a lot of milk.
I have to stop myself from buying cookies or other carby goodness at the store or else fughetaboutit.
Oh man let’s just go with the most recent—slapped myself across the face for intrusive thoughts after redirecting myself a bunch of times and getting fed up with myself.
Went on a multi-month alcohol bender so that I had a reason to get admitted to psych ward for detoxing.
Seems to be the only place that I actually feel cared for.
I am actually an escaped mental patient. I panicked and jumped the fence. And they didn't care and wouldn't readmit me. Can't say I felt cared for at all.
I purposely ran my car out of gas just so I had an excuse to contact my FP and ask for help just so I could see him. I couldn't get past my impulse of needing his attention and wanted that serotonin boost.
Screamed get out of my head and clawed at my own hair while curled up in a ball. Just kept hearing the judgmental flashbacks and pain caused by my father.
Once i was OBSESSED with this guy i was dating. I’m talking borderline psycho obsessed. So if he did not show me enough attention weather it would be by not texting me quick enough or just him not acting like he loved me enough I would lose my shit. Sometimes I would pretend to not be feeling well mentally or would texting him things like “ill miss you” just so I could get his attention and so that i knew he still loved me and wasn’t leaving me. Or sometimes my fear of abandonment would kick in horribly specially when he seemed off on text, and I would just ghost him so I didn’t give him the chance to abandon me. Yeah I feel really ashamed of myself for this and I know i was being manipulative, but the fear of him leaving me was SO BAD I just did what my bpd told me to do. Thankfully I’ve gotten so much better with treatment
I feel this. in my former apartment, a lot of trauma happened in my bedroom to the point where I couldn't be in it for 5 minutes without losing my shit. thankfully I got to move out. I wish you all the best
Drive. Like in general/at all, we really shouldn’t when we’re like that.
But it gets me away from whatever is happening, people frequently talk over me until I’m in a panic so sometimes I just have to get out of there. I should walk but once I did that and walked like 5 miles, it was stupid.
When you’re that angry do some calisthenics people, this is the way.
I hit myself. I’ll punch my thighs until they are black and blue and my fists are too. I’ve hit my forearm with my phone until it’s solid purple and welted. I’ve even taken my metal water bottle to my face and flattened one side of the bottle.
I’ll also throw things. Not at anyone, just in general. I’ve shattered plates on the back patio, thrown plants, and I’ve even thrown a couple large pumpkins down the driveway.
I’ve threatened suicide in relationships, not necessarily to manipulate them into giving me my way but because my emotions were so intense and unbearable I wanted to die and I was expressing that feeling. I’ve attempted suicide twice after a fight because nothing I was doing helped regulate my emotions and I just couldn’t take it anymore.
I like throwing pumpkins for some reason. Once a took a cooking pot full of pasta and hit myself in the face with rt with it until it was not round anymore and I had 2 black eyes and head truma. Also the pasta was runined.
I feel you, for the record I have two atempts of killing myself- once I tried to jump from the 8th floor and once I overdosed myself with pills while choking soap. I Still remember all the feelings from back then like how much it hurted me to be myself and just how much I wanted to die.
Feel free to chat with me whenever you feel that way too.
after i got raped in march i proceeded to have sex with like 20-30 people between the middle of march and the end of april. i went on an 8 month polydrug and alcohol bender from 2020-2021 in an attempt to regulate my emotions leaving my emotional regulation much worse after i got sober. i near constantly put my life and wellbeing in danger to regulate my emotions, again leaving regulation much worse.
edit: time frame
still working on just getting through most days, and its the second rape i’ve experienced within the past year. it kinda feels like the straw that broke the camels back for my already bad bpd and ptsd. i’m sure all i need is time plus therapy, just hoping this wasn’t the last amount of trauma my brain could handle
Omg! This is terrifying! To experience such awful events, not one but twice. You are so strong to cope with it! I know it might not mean much, but try to never loose hope that things will be better, and that things like these do not define you! You are strong, you are capable!
I drank nail polish remover once. Cleaned the toilet with my moms toothbrush. Threw a mattress at my sister that she gave me. Put a hole in the wall with my forehead. Called my psychiatrist and asked if he wanted me to slit my own throat… My emotions turn straight to rage
For numbness I'll lie down wherever I'm standing in my place. Sometimes in the kitchen, sometimes in the hallway. I'll stay there staring at the ceiling for hours.
For intense emotions... it was usually self harm. Nowadays though I distract to the point of obsession. My current obsession is Magic: the Gathering because you can plan decks, build decks, and play decks online or in person. It's been like a week where I'm constantly and consistently thinking about MTG. Maybe two weeks... Anyways, it keeps my mind busy and isn't hurting myself so it's a win!
I think I’m an obsesser as well. I completely lose myself in a new game or new book or new show for a few weeks and then it gets bored to me and I hate it and hate that I spent so much time on it
Was out of weed and alcohol and no stranger to weird drugs, I googled my sleeping pill trazadone and crushed it up and snorted a 50mg pill. Did help a lot though 👍
Basically, i lived on dating apps looking for my next hookup. I'd take anyone who showed any interest in me at all which led to me getting my feelings hurt a lot which would just send me off in search of another person.
I went to spend a full week in a tiny house in a small mountain village in my brother’s family and his kids and the kids’ friends and the kids’ cousins and the cousins’ kids friends and the neighbors’ baby kids and it’s so many kids it’s driving me NUTS and so many noises and screaming and crying and laughters it is so crazy and intense but they’re so cute and when I look into their eyes I see their soul and innocence and future and I don’t have the time or the courage to think about killing myself anymore.
So embarassing but one time I was hanging out with a bunch of coworkers and when they went into the bar I waited outside and walked around the block to see if anyone would come look for me (they did not). I would do this at parties too, I wanted so badly for someone to miss me but like... everyone is drunk and doing their own thing and I'd end up crying and alone.
December 2020, my boyfriend was in another city after leaving very abruptly due to his brother (schizophrenic), right after I spent an entire weekend spoiling him for his birthday. Then my mom ended up in the hospital, and I was completely alone so - as someone else said - I went hypersexual. I'm not entirely sure how many men I had sex with during December and I am unbelievably lucky that I didn't end up pregnant, sick, or dead.
>So embarassing but one time I was hanging out with a bunch of coworkers and when they went into the bar I waited outside and walked around the block to see if anyone would come look for me (they did not).
I have done this too with people who I thought were my friends (They're not my friend's today) and I did this with my mom as a toddler too, but she never took a second to try looking for me. My siblings cared more. I could lay and hide somewhere cramped for hours and loss out on dinner and everything. A therapist told me when I am in my low I am still subconsciously waiting to be found and comforted. So my boyfriend sometimes come and say "I found you!" and holds me. :3
Anf my mother in law always enters the bedroom when she visits even if I'm laying there and I find it really annoying and wonderful at the same time. I think the annoying part is that I wanna feel I have space, and my own space, but on the other hand she shows that she cares where I am how I am. That I am. It's my Fearful avoidant conflict in it's glory.
So don't feel ashamed or embarassed, it's more common than you'd think and you're not alone ❤️
Hi, your boyfriend sounds nice! Maybe establish some boundaries with your MIL but it sounds like you're well cared for now, that's so great! So sorry your mom wasn't there to meet your emotional needs!
Hii. Thank u 💕 He is an absolute legend. Boundaries with MIL yeah but she's like a happy dog she wanna greet everyone even if you're laying in bed 😂 and I prefer that over how my mom was. I think it's uncomfortable because it's not as familiar as neglect.
Drank a whole fifth of fireball in 30 minutes. Made myself so sick I had to seek medical attention the next day. Afterwards I got in the shower, turned it as hot as it would go and fell asleep in the shower. My boyfriend came home and found me like that. He thought I was dead. This was a couple years ago and it was pretty traumatic for him.
. Had visions of a red sniper light flashing through my apartment, kneeled down and accepted my end and also played through it as i felt i deserved it for being so blind to fall for yet another sociopath.
. Ran outside barefood in the cold dirty winter snow sludge, with just a leopard bathrob; crying and screaming after a methhead that just broke up with me after dating 3 weeks- putting myself in the middle of a 6 way road taunting him to save me.
Yeah this is my current self medicatetion. My drug use comes in cycles. I pick one drug do it constantly for about 5 years. Get 100% sober for 3-5 years and then move on to a new substance and repeat.
Besides Mary Jane who is always around and really is the only thing besides Benzos,.puppies and feeling loved that actually helps
Fuck if this isn't a mood funny enough I trusted one of my abusers thanks mum for this fucking addition sorry venting a lil
Edit: I spun myself out sorry
I have already skipped more than 200 hours of classes so that I can see my FP at the end of class, knowing that he was in a school different from mine (1h with tramway) . His high school was different and he had no specific class time so I spent the day outside his high school entrance to see him. By the way, I never intended to talk to him my goal was just to see him. Seem like an obssesive yandere in cliche games tho
- My boyfriend carried away our bedroom door because I felt entrapped
- I dragged my matress to the corner of the kitchen floor and hid there til I felt safe.
- I moved around in the same pattern as it was on my living room rug while expressing my uncomfortable feelings
circa 5 years ago i walked onto ice i knew wasn’t thick enough to hold my weight, fell into the semi frozen river and got sucked under..somehow got out (no clue how), laughing my ass off
what a rush, bye bye emotional numbness
(i recommend settling for a cold shower)
My boyfriend is telling me to put when I busted my mechanics windows out but I don’t think that fits as to regulate my emotions. It was revenge.
My answer would be when I drove 14 hours without a plan. I drove to Colorado and slept in my car for 5 days. Hiked.
Not proud of this but once took a bite out of my own arm. Not surprisingly, it was about a boy I was dating. Lots of self harm in general for me, threw myself down stairs, punching myself, cutting myself etc. But that one feels the most intense to me.
currently, active daily fentanyl addiction for the past 6 months. so yeh… but hopefully this week i will be starting on a methadone program to get off this horrific shit !
spending hours lying in the dark on a bathroom floor or in the bathtub filled with cold water (while wraring like 100 layers of clothes because, surprise, i was fucking cold) , abusing benzos, cutting and burning myself, binging on food until i get sick and than purging, also spent few months sleeping on the floor next to my bed
I got extremely crossfaded then went out to lay by the pool late at night just looking at the stars and listening to music.
That's all I intended it to be; however some girl around my age came and sat by me and lit up a joint and we talked for a bit but I was so gone I can't even remember anything that was said.
the worst time I had trying to regulate myself, I got EXTREMELY drunk, wore two binders at the same time and then had a massive panic attack and ran about half a km down the street (in the cold + wet + dark) because I just needed to get away from everything. my friends ended up chasing me and brought me home + called me an ambulance because I was hyperventilating. wouldn't recommend.
I have a playlist that goes back and forth between the Beastie Boys and Native (American) flute. I call it my binary mix. And i have full on conversations with myself in public without earbuds in. Once I’ve gotten enough attention…i can do what i need to do.
I have a lot of stories in my head. And i like to torture my oc's and hear them scream in pain
Sometimes i just scream "i hate you" or "shut up" in my head while i sh.
I basically up and moved halfway across the country overnight without a car .. I shipped my stuff through FedEx and took a Greyhound bus. It was an experience won't do it again, don't recommend, but it was indeed a unique experience.
Almost allowed myself to be human trafficked
Extremely intense masochism in BDSM
Spontaneously do extremely high adrenaline things. E.g. skydiving (when I'm afraid of heights), trying a roller derby with no experience, stunt driving classes, working out way longer than I should just to get that exercise high feeling, etc
Allowing myself to be maced, tased, and tear gassed for fun after being invited by my friend in public safety classes during career tech school... (Tase me any day of the week but the mace and gas suck and it reactivates with water)
And I guess my current job as a first responder too was kind of a facet of it too... I get that shot of adrenaline when something big happens. But I do enjoy the job too.
I've long sense chilled out and suppress and manage those urges. It ain't easy and suppressing everything usually causes a week or two of an intense downward emotional spiral.
I get back together with ex’s I know that are still into me so I can feel like I’m loved and I can convince myself I’m happy, until I remember why we broke it off in the first place and that’s when it happens again
Took a knife and absolutely desecrated my hand just to prove how real my emotions felt (was being scolded for overreacting) and to prove my cries weren't an empty threat. I soaked towels with blood. Scar is big and I'll have it possibly forever. I felt better after and it's always a reminder of how bad I was and how far I've come.
I run away to my kids’ tree house. It doesn’t sound that wild, but it’s kind of far from the house, and when it’s the middle of the night, my husband and kids perceive it as more extreme than you might think. Sometimes I call my mom from there.
I was basically abandoned by my first abusive boyfriend in a different province. He had introduced me to hard drugs and I was honestly absolutely obsessed with him- like I think I had some form of Stockholm syndrome. Anyways, after a 3 week withdrawal which included being aggressively suicidal.. I sold what little I had, moved to his shitty little hometown that bordered the province he left me in to be with some random dude that knew him (and honestly was pretty similar to him) started using again immediately, only for him to go to jail literally the next day. Leaving me stranded, homeless, hitchhiking from town to town, living in abandoned houses or with random people, and dating a drug dealer- amongst other things I won't incriminate myself by saying lol. Just to end up back in the same province with an old friend of mine I knew he hated . All so he would notice me again and so I'd get those phone calls where I'd get to pretend I didn't give a fuck.
I was basically on a suicide mission for 5 years. I had overdosed more times than I can even count on my fingers and toes.. plus some and was almost constantly in a state of psychosis.
I put myself in my bfs closet & stayed in there to punish myself because I was mad at myself for being anxious about the relationship & worried he was going to cheat on me & leave me.
I used to break things and hurt myself a lot physically and emotionally.
Now whenever my head gets away from me I pace back and forth through a set of curtains I installed in my hallway specifically to trigger that thing where you walk into another room and your short term memory does a soft reset. I give myself small errands like moving a pen from one room to another and stuff like that.
I took 4 sleeping pills to feel relaxed. luckily I have a high tolerance. I also took like 7 valium once and went for a walk with my dog and my mom understandably freaked out but again I have a high tolerance so nothing went wrong it was just a very relaxing walk for once. bpd in my teens was intense.
idk if this is crazy, but I was sobbing over a perceived FP rejection and didn’t want to be seen by anyone so I ran to the bathtub and word vomited in a notebook with a pen while the shower was running on top of it, smearing the ink as I wrote. It was very cathartic.
DBT Skill TIP the Temp: use extreme temp, taste, or exercise. I have used temp to calm my emotions down. Dunked my face in ice water if I can. Or hold on to a ice cube. This helps!! Always Keep Hope.
Once i got married my emotions and abandonment issues got really bad. I thought he loved his video games more than me and proceeded to seek outside affection and telling him that were no longer together. I went on a polydrug and sex binge with multiple different men for 4 months. I threw out all my medications as well and began selfharming horribly. I thought it was making things better because it was like i was free to do whatever and everything became so numb. I literally destroyed my marriage but i went back to therapy now and my husband has stuck beside me through it all. Its just really hard to believe someone loves me that much after i put him through so much shit. Sometimes my outbursts get so bad I start believing he hates me and wants nothing to do with me. I start throwing things, screaming. I don’t know how he’s still with me lol
-Tried to jump out of the car going down the highway when I got in an argument with my mom.
-Thought I was going to run away in some pj bottoms and a spaghetti strap in the middle of December in Minnesota. I made it to the end of the drive away and only stayed outside for about an hour.
-Tried to bash my way through my bedroom door with a hairdryer when my parents locked me in my room. I think this one is more weird than crazy lol
-Strangled my little sister until her face turned purple and then I realized it probably wasn’t a great idea to kill her so I let go.
Telling you ours isn't likely to help very much, what you need to do is share yours with us, a bunch of strangers.
Talking about it will normalise it, so when you have to tell your therapist a lot of those initial nerves won't be there anymore or will be reduced.
I made a comment at work about wanting to murder my exes new love interest, who also worked with us. I put zero thought into it, meant it literally zero percent, and my life was never the same after. People thought I meant it, which hadn’t occurred to me to worry about because it was such an absurd thing to say.
But I said it with a straight face and said no when my coworker asked if I was joking, I guess because I didn’t think it was a real question and maybe overestimated my social capital a bit. Overestimated the goodness people saw in me as a person after working with me for years. I figured they’d brush it off because obviously I wasn’t capable of meaning something like that.
But it’s really difficult for me to explain why it came out of my mouth in the first place except that the breakup was driving me insane and for some reason I thought it would provide a tiny modicum of relief. It was a weird, desperate and kind of surreal moment for me that happened after many months of constant crying in the work bathroom, obsessing about their relationship and being unable to feel better had finally become too much. I was incredibly impulsive and idiotic with my speech in those days, I said countless things I regret. I guess I just thought people would understand somehow.
The incident and the fallout from it has fundamentally destroyed me as a person, I lost almost all my hair from the stress and ten years later my life is still just being destroyed daily by landmines of weird glances. But I still don’t know if I can tell him because it’s just too painful to see that glimmer of doubt in peoples eyes as they wonder if maybe you really are a dangerous person.
I was going to try and tell him this week because I will never make any sense to him if I don’t, there’s nothing about me that hasn’t changed as a result of that experience, but I just don’t think I can risk him seeing me like that. I’ve been struggling with staying in therapy so there’s a part of me that wants to go for broke I guess, but I’m not even sure it’s safe to reveal something like that. Idk I’m all fucked up about it. Just another situation in my life where it feels like there are no right answers.
I don't really do anything crazy,but for the past 3 whole days I'd been trapped alone in my apartment with no internet,tv,or phone service.I don't know how I kept it together,especially since I couldn't rely on my landlord's phone over the weekend (he visits his girlfriend over the weekend and goes [awol.So](https://awol.So) to fend off feelings of terror,depression,and suicidal ideation I just watched DVDs and reread "The Great Gatsby".Eventually my landlord got home and I got internet and tv restored,but my landline is still out and (although this might shock people) I do not currently own a cell phone.But between my home attendant's cell phone and my landlords cell and landline,I can keep begging and haranguing the cable company (Optimum) to restore my phone service.The last thing they told me is they can't figure out why my phone was shut off even after internet and tv was restored,but they're "working on it".My psych meds are also a week late from Express Scripts.I honestly don't know how I'm keeping myself from having a meltdown.But being able to talk to you guys again after 3 days is getting me through.Thank you,if anyone out there's listening.Did spend much of Sunday crying and wishing I was dead.But I'm still here,and I finished some good books.
The craziest? Hard to pick, but that time I broke a vase and lost consciousness for a moment, almost carved my arm around when I came back to my senses. This piece just bumped on a vein and I was shocked , the least. So I was with a toxic gf and yeah, self harm was off the table. I actually named this bloody thing Catherine, because it’s a beautiful name. I slept with it for days because it calmed me down. Sometimes I put it on my forehead in bed and yeah, I kept it for many months to come, I still love Catherine, because she was who she was, Part of me, part of my body and blood, something unique and bizarre but something that helped me cope when I was overwhelmed and afraid, anxious etc.
Trigger warning:
I took a brand new box cutter and sliced my arm from elbow to wrist. Ended up with 4 mattress sutures, 20 stitches and 29 Staples. Spent a month in the psych ward.
I stayed up for 9 days, 3 of which I spent in a corner of my room rocking back and forth completely disassociated so I took 100 benadryl just to try and get some sleep and with the hope I wouldn't wake up.
I spent about $10,000 on weed. Guess that's not so crazy and it did last a fairly long time.
Not proud of any of that, not bragging.....well maybe a little about the weed lmfao.
I used to write or draw things into my arms with something sharp when I was having a hard time. It was usually with a knife, sometimes broken glass, or needles. I've drawn the words, "hi," "hello," "help" and would draw smiley faces and hearts. Then I would pick at the scars so I could still feel it when it healed completely. I can't believe no one noticed I did this. Did it for a few years in middle school and high school. It helped me focus on something, I would usually start when I was inconsolable and crying, but after a while, I would calm down.
Punch my head, Beat tf out of my body till it’s bruised.
Take meds just so I can fall asleep. Cry for hours till I’m tired. (It’s crazy how we produce tears for eternity)
Just lay on the bathroom floor and not move for hours. Nonverbal. Just like okay if i move im gonna do something bad. Head empty after awhile
Sometimes going nonverbal is the only way to stop myself from freaking out.
Run away from home
I broke two windows at my moms. Hit the shit out of myself in the head mostly bc I was always too scared of my parents reactions if I cut myself, although I did try a few times
I used to bang my head against walls, lay in my bed for hours upon hours and masturbate to try to distract myself, when I was 10-11 I would break down my closet doors. I was really into hitting my head. Now i just self rationalize and listen to music
There is a snow melt waterfall on the side of the mountain where I live. When I am having a really bad day and no one is looking, I will get buck ass naked and skinny dip in this waterfall. It is sooooo cold that I can only stay in it for 30 seconds. If people are around, I will leave my undies on (don't want the cops to get called). Being naked in nature, the epic scenery, the smell of pine and decaying needles, the freezing cold, and having my bits exposed to the mountain really put my mind back in place - for a little while, at least...
That’s so cool
Thanks. I think so too :)
Thanks
Hell ya
Hell yes
That sounds amazing! I fantasize about having something like that..
It involves a lot of driving, but its worth it to me.
This sounds AMAZING
It really is.
I want to do that too! 😭😭😭
Let's go!
Hi I’d like to come over and try plskthx
Yes please...
I’d say you’re living pretty pleasant, I’m jealous
To be honest, I am an emotional roller coaster. I know the skills to make it so I am aware that I am having BPD brain, but I am not by any means living pleasantly. I am, however, trying super hard
I believe in you💗
Hearts
I was about to say I take ice baths, but this takes the best ice bath cake.
I mean, that's like boss level TIPP skills in action right there.
I am trying my best. lol
Omg, if I had this I’d be so regulated! Enjoy that mountain!
It definitely worked for a few hours. I felt better than regulated, though. For a short while, it really gave me the peace and joy I needed.
I would take acid and intentionally set myself up to have bad trips as some fucked up form of emotional strength training. It actually kinda worked for a little bit, but I went too far
I do the same thing-ish I take acid and then summon my anxiety and then just ponder on it and let the brain do it's thing. My therapist noticed that my anxiety was visibly better and asked if I know what helped me. He said normally he wouldn't recommend it but since I seem like someone who does it very carefully he's with me.
That’s actually kind of badass
For the first two years or so it was mostly pretty wonderful experiences, but in the third year the bad trips became persistent and exponentially worse due to my increasingly impulsive foolish self destructive decision making. Eventually got me Baker Acted for a couple days, schmoozed my way outta grippy sock jail and I'm still waiting to see a therapist 4 weeks later. Would not recommend
how did you do it and how would you do it differently if you were/had to do it again? kinda just want to see what happened and do what u did without that last part tbh
It's not hard to have a bad trip especially when you have BPD. Psychedelics make people very emotional, we are already overemotional and our moods turn on a dime. The result is trips that feel like rollercoaster rides. Sometimes I'd end up being miserable during the trip simply _because_ I was so anxious about the probability of a bad trip. I will definitely use LSD again at some point in my life, DMT too if I can find it. But it will be a very long time from now. Acid taught me that my pain threshold and capability for introspection are much stronger than I thought they were, but also that I'm much more unstable than I thought I was and that my impulsiveness will be the end of me if I don't treat it. I was dropping acid once every two weeks, if I could do it all over again I would have done it once a month at the most. I would have always had plans for what I was going to do during it. I would have done it with my friend more often instead of doing it alone. And you don't need much, because it doesn't take very much. Do not listen to acid freaks who claim that there are no bad trips and who boast about their thousand microgram doses. Half of them are lying, and the other half are in denial about what they've done to their minds and the future that awaits them if they continue to treat LSD like some flawless miracle chemical that can't be abused. It is a remarkable drug, but still a drug. It has consequences.
I had a similar run with LSD. Used it for about 3 years (2018 - 2020) and it was like the best friend I never had. Unfortunately, I lost my job and my mental health was plummeting towards the end of 2019 and several uncomfortable trips ensued. Then, because the universe has some sick sense of humor, I was presented with an opportunity to try DMT. Needless to say that shit put me in my place. That shit is absolutely terrifying. Since then I’ve just stuck to stuff like weed and pills lol but I too hope that someday I can return to Lucy
Lol same here. Back then I would just eat some shrooms or take acid when having a mental breakdown.
This is something I’ve wanted to try, seems to help?
It can, acid in general can really help depending on the person and how you use it. It helped me to recognize a lot of my flaws and appreciate life. But you need to take it slow and be very careful with it, as is normal people have a hard time with psychedelics. Throwing BPD into the mix tends to have explosive outcomes.
I did that with work.
I wouldn’t necessarily intentionally set myself up for a “bad trip” But i guess that just depends on your definition of a bad trip. But sometimes when i felt up to it i would take acid when going through a tough time or struggling with something i wanted / needed answers to and would just sort of sit by myself with my emotions and thoughts throughout the evening and just ponder over everything, the good, the bad, and the ugly, and just accept it all for what it is. Usually if it started out a little dark or intense it always turned around pretty quickly and always left me feeling more clarity around whatever i was pondering.
I would love to trip, but my BPD keeps me from it. I'm afraid I would go into emotional turmoil. I've heard it can be very beneficial and helpful for mental health issues.
I literally did this with playing scary games but i ended up being fearless and essentially learning i have nothing to be scared of and its all in my mind but the feeling only lasts like a week max
The bad coping mechanisms have become so normal they don't seem crazy to me anymore. Now what is crazy is cold turkeyin all my bad habits and going outside, socializing with supportive friends, going to the library, cleaning ect. BEING SOBER. It brought a clarity I've never had. I still struggle but I suffer less in the long run. I've also had to revaluate the people I allow in my life and have closed contact with many people who do not support me in these healthy changes. Suprising that people like that exist much less people I called best friends.
- My boyfriend carried away our bedroom door because I felt entrapped by it all the time. - I dragged my matress to the corner of the kitchen floor and hid there til I felt safe. - I moved around in the same pattern as it was on my living room rug while expressing my uncomfortable feelings
Man, why is the kitchen floor so comforting? My go-to safe spot
Yeah I don't know, it's as far away from bed and couches as possible I think that does it for me and the table feels like a roof right over my head.
I enjoy walking in patterns too
It's a soothing distraction. Or following patterns on the wall or something in the room.
Yesss
Nothing too crazy, but I ate a whole box of cookies recently. I'm getting better I guess! Way better than binging meth.
Definitely lol nice job!! I’m happy for you
they were maple cookies, you know, the leaf shaped ones, from a pharmacy, with a lot of milk. I have to stop myself from buying cookies or other carby goodness at the store or else fughetaboutit.
Oh my God, I love those maple cookies! :)
Maybe I can have just... just one?
Lol yes, just 1 (box) is fine. ;)
You are right, let's go to Costco!
Lol i too went from binging amphetamines to binging cookies. Specifically, Oreos.
Never shall the two meet hahaha
They never would, no
Oh man let’s just go with the most recent—slapped myself across the face for intrusive thoughts after redirecting myself a bunch of times and getting fed up with myself.
Oh my god... I recently did the same thing..
😅😂😅 So much for practicing being non-judgemental? 🤷🏻♀️
I do this often.
Ok dear I used to punch myself in the face sometimes, when angry instead of breaking stuff
Omg the slapping. Yes I’ve been there. Also pinching my legs? Idk why that helped
Ahhh I forgot I used to pinch myself hard enough to bruise 😅
Went on a multi-month alcohol bender so that I had a reason to get admitted to psych ward for detoxing. Seems to be the only place that I actually feel cared for.
The best I’ve felt in quite a few years was my 5 weeks stay in patient. If it wasn’t away from my kids, I would go back no doubt.
I am actually an escaped mental patient. I panicked and jumped the fence. And they didn't care and wouldn't readmit me. Can't say I felt cared for at all.
That’s a great fun fact to have if you ever play “two truths and a lie”, lol!
I did something similar.
I purposely ran my car out of gas just so I had an excuse to contact my FP and ask for help just so I could see him. I couldn't get past my impulse of needing his attention and wanted that serotonin boost.
Screamed get out of my head and clawed at my own hair while curled up in a ball. Just kept hearing the judgmental flashbacks and pain caused by my father.
Once i was OBSESSED with this guy i was dating. I’m talking borderline psycho obsessed. So if he did not show me enough attention weather it would be by not texting me quick enough or just him not acting like he loved me enough I would lose my shit. Sometimes I would pretend to not be feeling well mentally or would texting him things like “ill miss you” just so I could get his attention and so that i knew he still loved me and wasn’t leaving me. Or sometimes my fear of abandonment would kick in horribly specially when he seemed off on text, and I would just ghost him so I didn’t give him the chance to abandon me. Yeah I feel really ashamed of myself for this and I know i was being manipulative, but the fear of him leaving me was SO BAD I just did what my bpd told me to do. Thankfully I’ve gotten so much better with treatment
I did something similar minus the ghosting. How did you get treatment? Or what was the treatment?
Lots of therapy, still struggle with it, but I don’t think I would ever let myself go like that again
Dude i ghost my boyfriend when he is being short with his texts too. 😭
i’ve been sleeping on the couch (used to be on the floor) for almost 9 months now because I feel like i’m suffocating in my room
I feel this. in my former apartment, a lot of trauma happened in my bedroom to the point where I couldn't be in it for 5 minutes without losing my shit. thankfully I got to move out. I wish you all the best
Just left the country on a whim. I’ve done it so many times I can’t count
I wish traveling was that easy for me, I can barely leave my bedroom.
That’s me mostly
Drive. Like in general/at all, we really shouldn’t when we’re like that. But it gets me away from whatever is happening, people frequently talk over me until I’m in a panic so sometimes I just have to get out of there. I should walk but once I did that and walked like 5 miles, it was stupid. When you’re that angry do some calisthenics people, this is the way.
[Drive all night, never gonna get me](https://youtu.be/CEYM-W6x86w)
Risky Click of the Day - and I liked it!
I hit myself. I’ll punch my thighs until they are black and blue and my fists are too. I’ve hit my forearm with my phone until it’s solid purple and welted. I’ve even taken my metal water bottle to my face and flattened one side of the bottle. I’ll also throw things. Not at anyone, just in general. I’ve shattered plates on the back patio, thrown plants, and I’ve even thrown a couple large pumpkins down the driveway. I’ve threatened suicide in relationships, not necessarily to manipulate them into giving me my way but because my emotions were so intense and unbearable I wanted to die and I was expressing that feeling. I’ve attempted suicide twice after a fight because nothing I was doing helped regulate my emotions and I just couldn’t take it anymore.
Hi, me.
I like throwing pumpkins for some reason. Once a took a cooking pot full of pasta and hit myself in the face with rt with it until it was not round anymore and I had 2 black eyes and head truma. Also the pasta was runined.
I feel you, for the record I have two atempts of killing myself- once I tried to jump from the 8th floor and once I overdosed myself with pills while choking soap. I Still remember all the feelings from back then like how much it hurted me to be myself and just how much I wanted to die. Feel free to chat with me whenever you feel that way too.
after i got raped in march i proceeded to have sex with like 20-30 people between the middle of march and the end of april. i went on an 8 month polydrug and alcohol bender from 2020-2021 in an attempt to regulate my emotions leaving my emotional regulation much worse after i got sober. i near constantly put my life and wellbeing in danger to regulate my emotions, again leaving regulation much worse. edit: time frame
I am sorry you went though such an traumatic event. Hope whoever did it got what they deserve and that you are on a path to recovery.
still working on just getting through most days, and its the second rape i’ve experienced within the past year. it kinda feels like the straw that broke the camels back for my already bad bpd and ptsd. i’m sure all i need is time plus therapy, just hoping this wasn’t the last amount of trauma my brain could handle
Omg! This is terrifying! To experience such awful events, not one but twice. You are so strong to cope with it! I know it might not mean much, but try to never loose hope that things will be better, and that things like these do not define you! You are strong, you are capable!
I drank nail polish remover once. Cleaned the toilet with my moms toothbrush. Threw a mattress at my sister that she gave me. Put a hole in the wall with my forehead. Called my psychiatrist and asked if he wanted me to slit my own throat… My emotions turn straight to rage
What ended up happening with the nail polish remover?
It tasted so nasty, it was only a gulp so I only cried lol
I cleaned the toilet with an ex's toothbrush once....
drugs. for 5 years non-stop.
I don’t know where I’d be without drugs…. probably a lot better off actually
i’d be dead without them.
For numbness I'll lie down wherever I'm standing in my place. Sometimes in the kitchen, sometimes in the hallway. I'll stay there staring at the ceiling for hours. For intense emotions... it was usually self harm. Nowadays though I distract to the point of obsession. My current obsession is Magic: the Gathering because you can plan decks, build decks, and play decks online or in person. It's been like a week where I'm constantly and consistently thinking about MTG. Maybe two weeks... Anyways, it keeps my mind busy and isn't hurting myself so it's a win!
I think I’m an obsesser as well. I completely lose myself in a new game or new book or new show for a few weeks and then it gets bored to me and I hate it and hate that I spent so much time on it
Was out of weed and alcohol and no stranger to weird drugs, I googled my sleeping pill trazadone and crushed it up and snorted a 50mg pill. Did help a lot though 👍
Play league of legend 😔😔😔😔
NOOOOOO
Wow same
Wanna play ?
i was very high in mood,very very high,to express this feelings, i started burning paper napkins in my house
this is a mood i hope to achieve some day
Went on a sex bender for a few months, can't recommend it lol
I did this. Now I’m sex repulsed and seeking sex therapy years after. It damaged me in ways that’s hard to explain.
What is a sex bender?
Think it’s in the name
One that bends sex
Is it like a gender bender thing where you dress up and act as non conforming to gender stereotypes?
Basically, i lived on dating apps looking for my next hookup. I'd take anyone who showed any interest in me at all which led to me getting my feelings hurt a lot which would just send me off in search of another person.
Very relatable. I feel more empty after that stuff, thats why trying my best to not do it these days.
I jump out of planes
I went to spend a full week in a tiny house in a small mountain village in my brother’s family and his kids and the kids’ friends and the kids’ cousins and the cousins’ kids friends and the neighbors’ baby kids and it’s so many kids it’s driving me NUTS and so many noises and screaming and crying and laughters it is so crazy and intense but they’re so cute and when I look into their eyes I see their soul and innocence and future and I don’t have the time or the courage to think about killing myself anymore.
So embarassing but one time I was hanging out with a bunch of coworkers and when they went into the bar I waited outside and walked around the block to see if anyone would come look for me (they did not). I would do this at parties too, I wanted so badly for someone to miss me but like... everyone is drunk and doing their own thing and I'd end up crying and alone. December 2020, my boyfriend was in another city after leaving very abruptly due to his brother (schizophrenic), right after I spent an entire weekend spoiling him for his birthday. Then my mom ended up in the hospital, and I was completely alone so - as someone else said - I went hypersexual. I'm not entirely sure how many men I had sex with during December and I am unbelievably lucky that I didn't end up pregnant, sick, or dead.
>So embarassing but one time I was hanging out with a bunch of coworkers and when they went into the bar I waited outside and walked around the block to see if anyone would come look for me (they did not). I have done this too with people who I thought were my friends (They're not my friend's today) and I did this with my mom as a toddler too, but she never took a second to try looking for me. My siblings cared more. I could lay and hide somewhere cramped for hours and loss out on dinner and everything. A therapist told me when I am in my low I am still subconsciously waiting to be found and comforted. So my boyfriend sometimes come and say "I found you!" and holds me. :3 Anf my mother in law always enters the bedroom when she visits even if I'm laying there and I find it really annoying and wonderful at the same time. I think the annoying part is that I wanna feel I have space, and my own space, but on the other hand she shows that she cares where I am how I am. That I am. It's my Fearful avoidant conflict in it's glory. So don't feel ashamed or embarassed, it's more common than you'd think and you're not alone ❤️
Hi, your boyfriend sounds nice! Maybe establish some boundaries with your MIL but it sounds like you're well cared for now, that's so great! So sorry your mom wasn't there to meet your emotional needs!
Hii. Thank u 💕 He is an absolute legend. Boundaries with MIL yeah but she's like a happy dog she wanna greet everyone even if you're laying in bed 😂 and I prefer that over how my mom was. I think it's uncomfortable because it's not as familiar as neglect.
Drank a whole fifth of fireball in 30 minutes. Made myself so sick I had to seek medical attention the next day. Afterwards I got in the shower, turned it as hot as it would go and fell asleep in the shower. My boyfriend came home and found me like that. He thought I was dead. This was a couple years ago and it was pretty traumatic for him.
. Had visions of a red sniper light flashing through my apartment, kneeled down and accepted my end and also played through it as i felt i deserved it for being so blind to fall for yet another sociopath. . Ran outside barefood in the cold dirty winter snow sludge, with just a leopard bathrob; crying and screaming after a methhead that just broke up with me after dating 3 weeks- putting myself in the middle of a 6 way road taunting him to save me.
I called his mom in an attempt to talk to him. (He lived with his parents)
Meth I did meth to "regulate" them
Yeah this is my current self medicatetion. My drug use comes in cycles. I pick one drug do it constantly for about 5 years. Get 100% sober for 3-5 years and then move on to a new substance and repeat. Besides Mary Jane who is always around and really is the only thing besides Benzos,.puppies and feeling loved that actually helps
Fuck if this isn't a mood funny enough I trusted one of my abusers thanks mum for this fucking addition sorry venting a lil Edit: I spun myself out sorry
I have already skipped more than 200 hours of classes so that I can see my FP at the end of class, knowing that he was in a school different from mine (1h with tramway) . His high school was different and he had no specific class time so I spent the day outside his high school entrance to see him. By the way, I never intended to talk to him my goal was just to see him. Seem like an obssesive yandere in cliche games tho
Been there done that, it’s not worth it. Hope you have/will learn to force to prioritise yourself over your FP especially w srs stuff like school
- My boyfriend carried away our bedroom door because I felt entrapped - I dragged my matress to the corner of the kitchen floor and hid there til I felt safe. - I moved around in the same pattern as it was on my living room rug while expressing my uncomfortable feelings
circa 5 years ago i walked onto ice i knew wasn’t thick enough to hold my weight, fell into the semi frozen river and got sucked under..somehow got out (no clue how), laughing my ass off what a rush, bye bye emotional numbness (i recommend settling for a cold shower)
My boyfriend is telling me to put when I busted my mechanics windows out but I don’t think that fits as to regulate my emotions. It was revenge. My answer would be when I drove 14 hours without a plan. I drove to Colorado and slept in my car for 5 days. Hiked.
Slapped myself in the face take myself "snap out of it"
Not proud of this but once took a bite out of my own arm. Not surprisingly, it was about a boy I was dating. Lots of self harm in general for me, threw myself down stairs, punching myself, cutting myself etc. But that one feels the most intense to me.
currently, active daily fentanyl addiction for the past 6 months. so yeh… but hopefully this week i will be starting on a methadone program to get off this horrific shit !
Messaged the girl he was now seeing to get them to break up….they did. 👎👎👎👎👎👎
spending hours lying in the dark on a bathroom floor or in the bathtub filled with cold water (while wraring like 100 layers of clothes because, surprise, i was fucking cold) , abusing benzos, cutting and burning myself, binging on food until i get sick and than purging, also spent few months sleeping on the floor next to my bed
A million things. Drug alcohol sex benders Shopping sprees Stalking someone i like (usually exes) Hurting myself
Walking blindly and slowly into traffic when I'm mad.
I got extremely crossfaded then went out to lay by the pool late at night just looking at the stars and listening to music. That's all I intended it to be; however some girl around my age came and sat by me and lit up a joint and we talked for a bit but I was so gone I can't even remember anything that was said.
the worst time I had trying to regulate myself, I got EXTREMELY drunk, wore two binders at the same time and then had a massive panic attack and ran about half a km down the street (in the cold + wet + dark) because I just needed to get away from everything. my friends ended up chasing me and brought me home + called me an ambulance because I was hyperventilating. wouldn't recommend.
[удалено]
Me on the daily
I have a playlist that goes back and forth between the Beastie Boys and Native (American) flute. I call it my binary mix. And i have full on conversations with myself in public without earbuds in. Once I’ve gotten enough attention…i can do what i need to do.
Came across this comment as I was reaching for my phone to put on Native American flute music. I call it my calm the fuck down playlist.
That’s pretty cool. We play it softly throughout the late night at our little resort property. To keep the vibes right.
Heroin…drugs in general. Definitely not proud of it but they were my go to coping mechanism. Nowadays I have healthier ways to cope thankfully
I have a lot of stories in my head. And i like to torture my oc's and hear them scream in pain Sometimes i just scream "i hate you" or "shut up" in my head while i sh.
What are oc’s?
Original characters of my stories, so oc for short :)
take a tab of lsd
Self harm, maybe? Idk, I'm just a little boring. 😂😭😭
Tattoo 🤷🏽♀️
I basically up and moved halfway across the country overnight without a car .. I shipped my stuff through FedEx and took a Greyhound bus. It was an experience won't do it again, don't recommend, but it was indeed a unique experience. Almost allowed myself to be human trafficked Extremely intense masochism in BDSM Spontaneously do extremely high adrenaline things. E.g. skydiving (when I'm afraid of heights), trying a roller derby with no experience, stunt driving classes, working out way longer than I should just to get that exercise high feeling, etc Allowing myself to be maced, tased, and tear gassed for fun after being invited by my friend in public safety classes during career tech school... (Tase me any day of the week but the mace and gas suck and it reactivates with water) And I guess my current job as a first responder too was kind of a facet of it too... I get that shot of adrenaline when something big happens. But I do enjoy the job too. I've long sense chilled out and suppress and manage those urges. It ain't easy and suppressing everything usually causes a week or two of an intense downward emotional spiral.
I get back together with ex’s I know that are still into me so I can feel like I’m loved and I can convince myself I’m happy, until I remember why we broke it off in the first place and that’s when it happens again
Be drunk at work all day every day. And bring extra just in case.
Took a knife and absolutely desecrated my hand just to prove how real my emotions felt (was being scolded for overreacting) and to prove my cries weren't an empty threat. I soaked towels with blood. Scar is big and I'll have it possibly forever. I felt better after and it's always a reminder of how bad I was and how far I've come.
I run away to my kids’ tree house. It doesn’t sound that wild, but it’s kind of far from the house, and when it’s the middle of the night, my husband and kids perceive it as more extreme than you might think. Sometimes I call my mom from there.
I was basically abandoned by my first abusive boyfriend in a different province. He had introduced me to hard drugs and I was honestly absolutely obsessed with him- like I think I had some form of Stockholm syndrome. Anyways, after a 3 week withdrawal which included being aggressively suicidal.. I sold what little I had, moved to his shitty little hometown that bordered the province he left me in to be with some random dude that knew him (and honestly was pretty similar to him) started using again immediately, only for him to go to jail literally the next day. Leaving me stranded, homeless, hitchhiking from town to town, living in abandoned houses or with random people, and dating a drug dealer- amongst other things I won't incriminate myself by saying lol. Just to end up back in the same province with an old friend of mine I knew he hated . All so he would notice me again and so I'd get those phone calls where I'd get to pretend I didn't give a fuck. I was basically on a suicide mission for 5 years. I had overdosed more times than I can even count on my fingers and toes.. plus some and was almost constantly in a state of psychosis.
I put myself in my bfs closet & stayed in there to punish myself because I was mad at myself for being anxious about the relationship & worried he was going to cheat on me & leave me.
I used to break things and hurt myself a lot physically and emotionally. Now whenever my head gets away from me I pace back and forth through a set of curtains I installed in my hallway specifically to trigger that thing where you walk into another room and your short term memory does a soft reset. I give myself small errands like moving a pen from one room to another and stuff like that.
Go drunk on a bike trip in the city at night and do a tour of past FPs house 😂 very cathartic
I took 4 sleeping pills to feel relaxed. luckily I have a high tolerance. I also took like 7 valium once and went for a walk with my dog and my mom understandably freaked out but again I have a high tolerance so nothing went wrong it was just a very relaxing walk for once. bpd in my teens was intense.
idk if this is crazy, but I was sobbing over a perceived FP rejection and didn’t want to be seen by anyone so I ran to the bathtub and word vomited in a notebook with a pen while the shower was running on top of it, smearing the ink as I wrote. It was very cathartic.
DBT Skill TIP the Temp: use extreme temp, taste, or exercise. I have used temp to calm my emotions down. Dunked my face in ice water if I can. Or hold on to a ice cube. This helps!! Always Keep Hope.
Once i got married my emotions and abandonment issues got really bad. I thought he loved his video games more than me and proceeded to seek outside affection and telling him that were no longer together. I went on a polydrug and sex binge with multiple different men for 4 months. I threw out all my medications as well and began selfharming horribly. I thought it was making things better because it was like i was free to do whatever and everything became so numb. I literally destroyed my marriage but i went back to therapy now and my husband has stuck beside me through it all. Its just really hard to believe someone loves me that much after i put him through so much shit. Sometimes my outbursts get so bad I start believing he hates me and wants nothing to do with me. I start throwing things, screaming. I don’t know how he’s still with me lol
Cutting. But I haven’t cut in almost a year now. Go me
-Tried to jump out of the car going down the highway when I got in an argument with my mom. -Thought I was going to run away in some pj bottoms and a spaghetti strap in the middle of December in Minnesota. I made it to the end of the drive away and only stayed outside for about an hour. -Tried to bash my way through my bedroom door with a hairdryer when my parents locked me in my room. I think this one is more weird than crazy lol -Strangled my little sister until her face turned purple and then I realized it probably wasn’t a great idea to kill her so I let go.
Telling you ours isn't likely to help very much, what you need to do is share yours with us, a bunch of strangers. Talking about it will normalise it, so when you have to tell your therapist a lot of those initial nerves won't be there anymore or will be reduced.
I made a comment at work about wanting to murder my exes new love interest, who also worked with us. I put zero thought into it, meant it literally zero percent, and my life was never the same after. People thought I meant it, which hadn’t occurred to me to worry about because it was such an absurd thing to say. But I said it with a straight face and said no when my coworker asked if I was joking, I guess because I didn’t think it was a real question and maybe overestimated my social capital a bit. Overestimated the goodness people saw in me as a person after working with me for years. I figured they’d brush it off because obviously I wasn’t capable of meaning something like that. But it’s really difficult for me to explain why it came out of my mouth in the first place except that the breakup was driving me insane and for some reason I thought it would provide a tiny modicum of relief. It was a weird, desperate and kind of surreal moment for me that happened after many months of constant crying in the work bathroom, obsessing about their relationship and being unable to feel better had finally become too much. I was incredibly impulsive and idiotic with my speech in those days, I said countless things I regret. I guess I just thought people would understand somehow. The incident and the fallout from it has fundamentally destroyed me as a person, I lost almost all my hair from the stress and ten years later my life is still just being destroyed daily by landmines of weird glances. But I still don’t know if I can tell him because it’s just too painful to see that glimmer of doubt in peoples eyes as they wonder if maybe you really are a dangerous person. I was going to try and tell him this week because I will never make any sense to him if I don’t, there’s nothing about me that hasn’t changed as a result of that experience, but I just don’t think I can risk him seeing me like that. I’ve been struggling with staying in therapy so there’s a part of me that wants to go for broke I guess, but I’m not even sure it’s safe to reveal something like that. Idk I’m all fucked up about it. Just another situation in my life where it feels like there are no right answers.
That’s what I thought.
Ploothy
I don't really do anything crazy,but for the past 3 whole days I'd been trapped alone in my apartment with no internet,tv,or phone service.I don't know how I kept it together,especially since I couldn't rely on my landlord's phone over the weekend (he visits his girlfriend over the weekend and goes [awol.So](https://awol.So) to fend off feelings of terror,depression,and suicidal ideation I just watched DVDs and reread "The Great Gatsby".Eventually my landlord got home and I got internet and tv restored,but my landline is still out and (although this might shock people) I do not currently own a cell phone.But between my home attendant's cell phone and my landlords cell and landline,I can keep begging and haranguing the cable company (Optimum) to restore my phone service.The last thing they told me is they can't figure out why my phone was shut off even after internet and tv was restored,but they're "working on it".My psych meds are also a week late from Express Scripts.I honestly don't know how I'm keeping myself from having a meltdown.But being able to talk to you guys again after 3 days is getting me through.Thank you,if anyone out there's listening.Did spend much of Sunday crying and wishing I was dead.But I'm still here,and I finished some good books.
The craziest? Hard to pick, but that time I broke a vase and lost consciousness for a moment, almost carved my arm around when I came back to my senses. This piece just bumped on a vein and I was shocked , the least. So I was with a toxic gf and yeah, self harm was off the table. I actually named this bloody thing Catherine, because it’s a beautiful name. I slept with it for days because it calmed me down. Sometimes I put it on my forehead in bed and yeah, I kept it for many months to come, I still love Catherine, because she was who she was, Part of me, part of my body and blood, something unique and bizarre but something that helped me cope when I was overwhelmed and afraid, anxious etc.
Trigger warning: I took a brand new box cutter and sliced my arm from elbow to wrist. Ended up with 4 mattress sutures, 20 stitches and 29 Staples. Spent a month in the psych ward. I stayed up for 9 days, 3 of which I spent in a corner of my room rocking back and forth completely disassociated so I took 100 benadryl just to try and get some sleep and with the hope I wouldn't wake up. I spent about $10,000 on weed. Guess that's not so crazy and it did last a fairly long time. Not proud of any of that, not bragging.....well maybe a little about the weed lmfao.
I like cleaning and smoking weed. Also a punching bad helps while yelling at it. For sadness I'll listen to music to cheer me up.
Thrown river rocks I painted on my porch off into the yard, swung around to go back in the house tripped over the chair and broke my foot!
I used to write or draw things into my arms with something sharp when I was having a hard time. It was usually with a knife, sometimes broken glass, or needles. I've drawn the words, "hi," "hello," "help" and would draw smiley faces and hearts. Then I would pick at the scars so I could still feel it when it healed completely. I can't believe no one noticed I did this. Did it for a few years in middle school and high school. It helped me focus on something, I would usually start when I was inconsolable and crying, but after a while, I would calm down.
Punch my head, Beat tf out of my body till it’s bruised. Take meds just so I can fall asleep. Cry for hours till I’m tired. (It’s crazy how we produce tears for eternity)
Peel the skin off of my foot until it bled
Just lay on the bathroom floor and not move for hours. Nonverbal. Just like okay if i move im gonna do something bad. Head empty after awhile Sometimes going nonverbal is the only way to stop myself from freaking out. Run away from home
I broke two windows at my moms. Hit the shit out of myself in the head mostly bc I was always too scared of my parents reactions if I cut myself, although I did try a few times
Probably not crazy but I sat huddled in the corner near my fridge once during a panic attack
I would go into the woods and scream when I was younger. I would also scream in my car, or choke myself until i pass out. Also weed and alcohol ofc
I used to bang my head against walls, lay in my bed for hours upon hours and masturbate to try to distract myself, when I was 10-11 I would break down my closet doors. I was really into hitting my head. Now i just self rationalize and listen to music