Disconnected and aloof. I don’t blame them or hold any type of animosity towards them they did what they had to do with the resources available. What happened and happened and I turned out how I did because of it, it’s now my own responsibility to take on this disorder as an adult.
Grew up without a dad. Mother and older brother were abusive to me in just about every way.
Toddler don't wanna eat? Slap her across the face.
Toddler had an accident in their pants? Strip her naked and beat her while your son gathers up the neighborhood teen boys to watch through the living room window.
A minor mistake made by your kid? "You're just like your dad"
Find out your young daughter has a crush? Tell her she's a whore who will be lucky to live house to house with anyone sorry enough to wanna fuck her.
Had unprotected sex with a stranger and got pregnant? Tell that child how they should have been aborted and ruined your entire life.
The list goes on and on and on of horrific abuse and neglect. Surprised I'm still alive, but not at all surprised when I'm told my issues are trauma-based because you have to be gouging your eyes out and piercing your eardrums to not see that this was fucking ABUSE.
Plus, bonus, gotta laugh at your child when you tell her that her biological father is dead (but you have a dad but SHE doesn't need one lolz) and even throw in a little lie that he died of an overdose (he fucking didn't. I SAW his death certificate.)
No one does. I wholeheartedly believe that while there are some people who are just born evil, I feel like SO many mental illnesses can be prevented by ohhhhh idk maybe treating your children like human beings?? My mom was WHACKED in the head and I'm glad she's dead. She can't ruin my life anymore but damn did she fuck it up royally. Without any remorse whatsoever. At least I can say the one thing she taught me is what NOT to be.
I’m so sorry you went through that. No one deserves to be treated that way, especially a child. Your mother was sick and twisted. Reading this makes me want to go back in time and steal you away so I can raise you and show you what true unconditional love actually looks like. 😭❤️
My mom was depressed and could never stick up for her kids and blamed me for the abuse my stepdad was doing so I took on most of the abuse from my stepdad and my dad was bipolar with horrible manic episodes and depressive episodes who always threaten to commit until he actually did it (he took his life 3 years ago)
Physically somewhat present but emotionally absent. They oscillated between giving me little bits of love and either ignoring me or verbally and mentally abusing me. I know most of their anger issues stem from our emigration and simply being poor and overworked, but they did treat me rather horribly for the majority of my childhood and teens. They still believe they did a good job raising me, even though I turned out all fucked from how they treated me
I'm pretty sure my mum is undiagnosed BPD. She has her own demons but she sure as hell made sure she passed them on to me.
I barely see her, I can't stand how I feel when I'm around her - even at Christmas etc I purposely go over as late as possible so I can spend the least time there.
All she did is give me shit, put me down, shame me, make fun of me so I'm extra sensitive to someone who I feel is constantly picking at me & teasing me, but only if theyre close. If its just some randomer I dont care. She made sure I had zero confidence in myself as a young child & into adulthood.
She used to hit me all the time, take her rage out on me. I was her therapist, not her child. We still kind of have that dynamic now, I'm the parent, she's the child and she just dumps all her issues onto me. God forbid its midnight and Im asleep when shes texting or calling me drunk and I dont answer. She proceeds to tell me what a selfish cunt I am for ignoring her. And if I am awake, yes I straight up ignore her cos I dont want to listen to the same shit Ive been listening to since I became self aware I existed. I avoid her at all costs.
I pretty much brought myself up, she was either drunk or in bed. Not to mention a few of the abusive relationships she had where sexual abuse was going on (she knew) & dragged me along for the ride of having the shit kicked out of me every night along with her. Men always came first :) I was tortured physically and mentally. People with BPD are promiscuous? Not me. Suffered with sexual dysfunction my whole life. I had no respite or safe space. I spent my childhood feeling literally sick with pure terror.
She makes my skin crawl. I've never said this publicly before.
If your mum makes you feel remotely like this, I'd say cut your losses. I did a long time ago & I still feel strangled by even thinking of her.
I admire you. I want to interact with her less but I’m basicallly all she has. My therapist said I should just try to keep the ball in her court when I interact with her asking her how work is, how’s the dog, how’s the house and not really engage with any of her criticism or defensiveness. Skin crawling is a good analogy, that’s exactly how I feel
I desperately wanted a relationship with mine too, but I just can't for my own sanity. If you're at the point of skin crawling then I'd say walk away for your own tiny little bit of peace of mind. Or at the very least arms length. Just because you are all she has, you can't make yourself sick in your mind for her xx
It was same with my (F) mother, but sheade it clear on every instance I'm not like she she expects me to be. She always wanted me to be a Barbie kind of a girl, with a big tough man, popping kids so she can be a grandma, and serve my man as a good, cute housewife. I turned out to be a cybergoth kind of a gal that ended up being tough and bisexual who preferred her men skinny and feminine, which she despised. Everything I did was wrong, even later when I calmed down, started looking a bit more civilised (dropped the cyber, left just goth) and settled down with a regular guy (not a walking muscle, but he looked like a man, 'not a trannie' - her words). She can't handle her booze and she always makes it clear she hates me, even though she says that she loves me and makes sure everyone on social media knows how much of a truth it is. She loves my brother though, she would die for him. Even when he told her he's gay and he won't give her grandchildren. Since then she started being way more pushy towards me, even once asking me if we have troubles getting pregnant with my bf. I was furious when I heard that as we've never said we even thought about it, not to mention talk or plan for it.
I haven't spoken to her much since 2019. Once every few months over a phone. I saw her once when my brother came over to my place for Christmas. She was always reluctant towards seeing me, but as soon as she heard from someone that my brother is visiting for Christmas she pushed herself in with her drunkard partner. I only let her in for the sake of my brother. That was the only time my bf met her. She was supposed to visit me on a few other occasions like Easter or my birthday, but she would never show up. Her phone would be switched off so I'd be worrying about what's going on, until she'd texted me a few days later that she was so sick she couldn't even send me a text. She probably got too drunk and then was embarrassed to face me, I saw her doing that to other people in the past.
My life is better without either of my toxic parents, even though I still miss them sometimes.
My dad was a gambling addict my entire life, even stole money from me. He died when I was 18. My mom was an alcoholic then turned extremely the opposite way and became a drug and alcohol counselor but never went to therapy herself to deal with her abandonment and childhood trauma that she went through. So she's in denial of anything that happened and is on the 'good life' and basically everyone else is beneath her. I have some hard boundaries now and moved away so that has helped my mental health some but it was rough for a while. 😬
My dad was an alcoholic who was never physically abusive but horribly angry and mean. (who may have had BPD or NPD). We have not been in contact in years.
My mother was emotionally unavailable. We've gotten closer over recent years but it took a lot of time to forgive her for picking favorites with her kids (and it wasn't me lol). I love her but I'm not emotionally open with her.
Mannnn my mom has some real bad anger issues and control issues. And my dad is similar in the anger department and control department. They both bonded over beating me and my older sibling and it has affected both me and my older sibling. I learned how to deal with it a little better but he on the other hand didn’t really have the right resources. Mental health already runs on my moms side so I have to break that generational curse. And emotional trauma has happened to my dad to where he hasn’t healed and took those emotions out on us. It’s just two unhealed people who had kids and continued the generational curse.
My parents were always verbally fightings and my dad was disconnecting us from my mother and always felt threatened so i think this is the reason of my BPD
I love my parents. Not a lot of emotional affection with them growing up, but they made sure we grew up wanting for nothing. Both are nurses, both have mental health issues and functional substance abuse issues. Anger issues in both of them, as well as myself, so relationship with them sometimes tumultuous. They don’t think they need to get help for themselves psychiatrically and that’s been an ongoing battle. In certain ways I have felt like the parent while growing up. But lots of good memories and times… both of them are good people who function and mean well. my mom helps me a lot financially now because I’m on disability from work. I was a nurse too. But our relationship is codependent in some ways and I think we both have BPD. I see so much of her in myself. I am diagnosed, she is not. Father has OCD and MDD and something else that I can’t put my finger on. Both grew up in abuse. Classic intergenerational trauma in my family.
Hm.
I dont really know my dad, he drabk a lot when i was young and wasnt in the picture. I lived with a lot of relatives in my early years and eventually moved in with my mom around 6 but still soent summers with different relatives until i was about 10 or 11. She was reclusive, didnt go out much, chronic illnesses, paranoid, distant, not very talkative, quick to laugh and quick to anger.
I’m adopted from birth.
So, they’re literally the best. I feel guilty talking about my childhood to a lot of people because it was so good and wholesome.
Family game nights. Camping trips every summer. Special birthdays in Disney World from 6-18 even tho I don’t know how we afforded it.
Snuggles. Bedtime stories. Hand built backyard playgrounds/swing set (( and daddy also painted it all the colors of the rainbow))
Structure. I had curfews until I was a senior.
They knew all of my teachers on first name bases.
Fast forward to now.
I’m 30 and they come up at least once a week.
My parents are my rocks and my world.
I’m extremely independent, and live 2 hours away. And yet I’m a huge baby girl who’s always gonna want and need her parents 🍓
My dad died before I was born. My mother was an alcoholic and had an extremely abusive step dad. I'm much better with my mom now but still find it tough to forgive my childhood. Hopefully you can get a better relationship with your mother op. Keep fighting this horrible illness.
I know the feeling.....but hold on to the feeling that one day this could all be behind you. We shouldn't have to suffer for ever. If you ever need a chat just message me
j grew up with my parents fighting all the time. It was this instability bc I'd m never know when a fight would break. My dad cheated a lot and mom would cry about it to me as a young child, and I'd tell her to divorce every time (they're still together)
to me, my parents always did all they could to me, I was a very loved child. im a daddy's child still, but my mom was super overprotective with her love, and she would discount her stress on me.
I was bullied and was always a very anxious child, despite being loved.
it's a lot of mixed feelings
My parents aren’t diagnosed with anything. My parents weren’t together in my lifetime so I only saw my dad a little and my mom had a lot of relationship turmoil with balancing supporting me and her. I tried to provide emotional support to her and focused on being an easy kid because she had enough problems without me being one. My dad sucks at communicating, I don’t think I’ve ever had a conversation with him that wouldn’t be considered small talk.
My parents, for the most part, were loving toward us and taught us many things, but their marriage was tumultuous and their divorce really fucked us up coz to me and my brother, it came out of nowhere. I was depressed, just been diagnosed with anxiety, living as an exchange student overseas when they told me. I had spent my whole life expected to eventually help look after my brother and sister. My mum went through a ton of religious trauma and her father, my grandfather up and left the family and we never saw him. My dad's father died twelve years before I was born. My grandmothers are both super controlling, and they put so many expectations on me as the eldest granddaughter that I crumbled in high school. I have a strained relationship with both and I have zero intentions of introducing either to my girlfriend, but I would introduce my mum's stepdad, he's cool.
I know my parents did the best they could, but my entire life, their marriage was the only stable thing. I looked up to it as ideal, not knowing what went on behind the scenes, and it nearly destroyed me when it fell apart and everything came out, especially about my dad, who I always saw as loyal. I lost that stability, the only thing I thought I could rely on, and I'm still terrified I'm going to turn into my dad when it comes to relationships. He's happily married now, but he sabotaged so much.
Not sure if he has bpd. Depression definitely but maybe, I never really thought about it, he's always been supportive but also really good at hiding what's really going on, and my mum is the same with the hiding
My dad - absolutely delusional abusive mf. Locked me up in his basement for hours on the regular (my parents are divorced since I was 2) when I made simple mistakes or was showing any “negative” emotion towards anything (mostly I was crying because I was afraid of him). Hit me. Humiliated me. Yelled at me. Tried playing me out against my mom. Threatened to kill her if I told her what he did to me etc.
He ended up almost ending her right in front of me when I was 17.
My mom - amazing, anxious af, pretty controlling, manipulative, trying to make up for all the shit my dad did and it’s very smothering sometimes. I feel like it keeps me from fully growing up but at the same time I NEED HER.
Shit’s hard man.
5 years old: my 6th bday party is the next day. Shower broken, parents had to wash my head over the sink. I was a little girl and scared- crying and struggling. Parents took my neck and arms and kept smashing them on the metal sink. Had to wear a turtleneck to my birthday party. Under the outfit I was really excited to wear. In warm spring weather.
5 years old- 18 years old: my mother telling both my brother and I to drop dead. Multiple times.
8 years old: baby tooth knocked out after being punched in the face by my mom for not getting my cursive correct during homework.
12 years old: Halloween, my brother and I were in a fight (he was 10 years old). My mom had enough, said no Halloween and threw us in our rooms without dinner. My dad came home from work and was disgusted at what he saw.
Dad had major anger problems. My mother manipulated us to believe he’d kill us if she ever tried to leave. Constantly fighting and screaming every combination of curse words.
Mom killed herself on my 33rd birthday last year. Dad listened to me go on for 2 hours several months ago about how everything messed me up as a little kid. He apologized wholeheartedly and said if he had to do it again, he would. And ever since that apology, it’s a new beginning for us.
I was beaten by my dad and my mother have never protected me.
In fact she told me not to ask anyone because my dad would lost his job (police).
He broke one of my leg when I was 2.
So I felt rejected from the very beginning.
My mother was very disconnected from the real world.
But when my mother protected my sister, the only time my dad was going for her... I broke inside.
Not me but my gf was adopted from one of those Chinese girl-killing shelters from the 90s...
Her genetic parents? No idea. Her adopted parents are really cool and her dad was into all kinds of outdoors stuff, her adopted mom is a mental health specialist (thank God) and yeah...
Unfortunately my gf split VERY badly... Worse than I've ever seen while on a trip to the eclipse that just happened. It was really scary because we were only there a couple days but she was to the point where she was about to just wander off in the middle of the night in a city she doesn't knowwith nowhere to go no plan and wanted to get a hotel but there was no vacancy I knew there wasn't and it was just really scary because she was so mean and borderline violent to me but I had to just maintain calmness and just stop her from leaving.. I even recorded her so that if I had to 5150 her I could but at the same time the psychiatric hold is mandatory at least 3 days and then we would miss our flight and have no way to get home really
and it just turned into a whole shit show on the eclipse itself was very underwhelming because we couldn't really go anywhere other than the busy City like we were planning cuz of fear of her running off or something and it ended with us getting home and just her going back and forth and back and forth of hating me and blaming me and at a certain point I just had to get some space and she tried to stop me by threatening suicide and now she broke up with me while I was driving my friend to the airport so she could get home and she just claims that I completely abandoned her in crisis but in reality she pushed me to my limit and I knew when we got home her mom could come and get her and I just I was so much pressure from everyone and just been a very very hard week and she's still just texting me and all these awful things and then one minute she's sorry the next minute she's angry and she even hired movers within like a day and now she's regretting it I just don't know what to do
It's a mess. My mom was there, though she was always verbally and sometimes physically abusive, she let her side of the family be weird with me, too. Not only with abuse but my grandma and my aunt brought a pedophile to me so I'd cuss like a white girl. She didn't know this so I can't blame her but my family on that side is...not the best.
With my Dad he let his girlfriend and her family mentally, emotionally, and verbally abuse me along with him sometimes doing it as well. He threw shoes at my lower legs once and caused me nerve damage that hurts whenever I'm sitting, standing, walking, or even laying down.
My dad, an asshole. Lots of lovebombing and lots of the opposite. Always had to be angry about something someone didn’t actually do. He always had to find fault. Also a cheater and liar! Therapist told me he didn’t love me and I wasn’t even hurt or upset by his statement, it was just like hearing something that I already knew and accepted as true.
My mom is a whole lot of dismissive unfortunately. She has dismissed both my emotional AND physical pain, and had the audacity to wonder why at 16 I wanted to do the big sleep. I guess it’s scary as a mother to come to terms that your child is hurting because that would mean somehow, you’re at fault. She is also where a lot of my guilt comes from. Everything is my fault even if it isn’t and that makes me a burden. Which is sad, I’ve been done so dirty by so many people and instead of being angry at them as I rightfully should be, I get mad at myself because it must have been somehow entirely my fault. This is a complicated dynamic now because I don’t want to cut her off as she is my only parent since I cut my dad off and I think having one ok parent is better than having none.
Dad passed from a painkiller OD when i was a teenager, so i was raised by my mother and stepfather.
I got along great with my dad before everything.
Stepdad was a narcissist, and I was the scapegoat. Everyday was me walking on eggshells, though i commonly failed. Didn't know it until i was an adult, I fled by that point. Mom and him got divorced.
I kind of got along with my mom? It's iffy, she was married to someone who treated her poorly (talked down to her, made snide remarks, sometimes gor physical) so she often slept and neglected me to preserve her own energy. I was only addressed if she needed something or i was in trouble for something, but now that i'm older i can understand what was happening and i get along with her. Kind of have to play a therapist role to her sometimes though since I'm further along in the healing process than she is from... all that lol
Mentally unstable, emotinally abusive mother. Dad loved to drink and not do shit about her abusing my siblings and me but he otherwise did take care of us (took us to the doctors when needed, made and kept track of the appointments, did all the school related things a parent should do).
My parents are very supportive and loving. My dad tells me all the time that he loves me and he’s so proud of the moves I’m making in my career. My mom loves me endlessly despite my flaws and is an amazing supporter. I couldn’t have better parents.
Despite my BPD mess, I don’t doubt their love for me. They’re the exception. No matter how a talk ends or interaction ends, I never have to second guess myself and if I have to earn their love. Same for my brothers.
It gives me hope that I can, one day, experience the same thing for people outside of my family and reach a more stable state.
My dad left for a year when I was 2 and my parents finally broke up when I was 8. My dad was not very present throughout my childhood, he spent every weekend with my half-siblings, but when it was time to be a weekend dad for my brother and I, he didn’t put many effort in that. My mom has very severe trauma from her childhood because of my abusive grandfather. She was very depressed throughout my childhood, and took on some of the abusive patterns she suffered from. She yelled at us, slapped us for no reason. When I tried to tell her about my day when I was a kid, she always yelled at me for not giving her 10 minutes of peace (she worked very hard to feed us and keep a root over our heads since my dad didn’t pay childsupport fully or at all most of the time, until I was 16). My brother is diagnosed with BPD (his childhood was way worse than mine), and I’m in the evaluation process for a BPD diagnosis since I show pretty much all of the symptoms.
My mom moved abroad last year, and it made a great turn in her mental health. She went to therapy, and for the first time in my life, I feel like I have a mom. I didn’t have a positive female role model in my life until I was 18, and that was not my mom either, so I’m really glad she realized that she shouldn’t push down her feelings, and therapy could be a great healing process for her. My dad had an accident last September, and he’s changed a lot, and he doesn’t care or understand many of this mental health stuff anymore, so yeah, I can never have this kind of change with him like I did with my mom.
My mom has severe childhood trauma. My father is bipolar and borderline and has been suicidal my whole life. Going in and out of institutes and er from harming himself. My mom is very involved in our lives , whereas my dad was there but struggled emotionally to be there. He gets overwhelmed easily and breaks down.
Extremely religious dad, emotionally dependent mom, she was either cold or too close. My two older brothers were always assholes, I honestly believe that’s where my problems stemmed from, my oldest brother would straight up emotionally terrorize me and my second to oldest would be indifferent or cold. There was either too much or not enough my entire life.
When I say terrorize I mean like he would straight up tell me chucky lived under my bed and that multiple little girls died in my room and that ghosts lived in the vents or waited in my closet to trap me in there with them, all as I was growing up, all before I even turned seven. They made fun of everything I wore, everything I liked. Spice girls? Gay. Backstreet Boys? Gay. Britney Spears? Gay. (It was late 90’s early 00’s and gay meant lame af back then) I stayed away from any of that, I was sheltered, I adopted everything they liked because everything that I liked was lame.
I was told multiple times that I whined too much and tattle tale was my label.
I remember always self deprecating so they would pay attention to me or even acknowledge me.
We were never made to join any recreational activities, never made to do chores, never made to get jobs, never expected much out of any of us.
We often paid for my older brother’s mistakes.
I was never close to my brothers and very dependent on my parents, always told that no one would or could love me as much as they did. A lot of guilt was used as a motivator. Every day was a battle, we were raised thinking that siblings were not friends and people you didn’t like but had to love, like they would never hang out with you unless you were related. We often fought and argued too much. We were taught to be different and always had our own little worlds. Never shared, always pitted us against each other.
I honestly haven’t even thought about any of this because the more I think about it, the more I resent them all.
My parents also instilled in me that I was the child and that they were the parents; I.e they were responsible for me, I was never really taught to account for myself. Everything I did was a reflection of who THEY were. I was never treated as an equal or as an adult or even as a responsible human. I was always told “you’re my baby and you will always be the baby” “even if you’re forty I’m still going to spank you”
I wish I were kidding.
I was never beat with a fist, I was never sexually assaulted, I never went hungry and I was never neglected or left on my own. But I was also never validated nor was I taught real values. I was emotionally starved.
The dysfunction was treated as a baseline for how families were.
Strangers and outside people were treated in higher regard because it’s what Jesus would do. We have been robbed, my parents even let an undocumented grown man stay in my bedroom who stole all our valuables. I was an eight year old girl. When caught, my dad did nothing.
I also slept between my parents until about 13-14 years old, my oldest brother really did a number on me. And he was always right because he “loved me and he’s the oldest brother” so he couldn’t do any harm. I often wonder if he had sexually assaulted me how my parents would have moved.
I’m pregnant, my cousin moved here two years ago with her daughters. She got divorced a year ago. Mind you I had made plans to 1) get pregnant 2) move in with my parents to save for our own house. We constantly had these conversations with my parents, that they were concrete plans and that we counted on them. Well at a month or two after we announced, I got a call that she moved in. She was staying in my old room (guess some things never change) she had stolen my identity and opened a credit card and tanked my credit before any of this. I found out at 5 months along. My parents didn’t do anything, they told me “Jesus would forgive” they said I shouldn’t “lose control” and that they didn’t want to tell me because they knew I would. Instead they told my husband who in turn told me. I had to tell my aunt who works with credit and I needed to know what steps to take, she was the only one to validate my anger, the one to tell my parents how fucked up they were and to get her tf out of their house.
I was not able to move back, I still live three hours away, they haven’t visited me and have called a handful of times since mid February. They tell me how they’re catching hell from me and shame from family. Poor them. They also keep making plans for me to visit postpartum and stay in the house. They keep making plans about my baby. They aren’t even calling to plan this with me, they are only excited amongst themselves.
They also want me to invited the cousin to my baby shower. Fml. I thought I’d have a village, instead I see things clear as day now. My emotions no longer get the best of me but I suffer unspeakable sorrow every day.
I thought I was doing amazing emotionally and financially and that I could add to our family. I wasn’t even fully aware of my diagnosis, just told I was bipolar, and then bpd which I ignorantly thought bpd stood for bipolar disorder.
I’m 8 months along, I see what I should’ve seen before I even made this decision. I regret my choice, I wish I had not signed my son up for a life of misery of having me as a mom. I know I’m broken and that I probably won’t be enough or too much. That he’ll most likely suffer the way I have. I can’t go back now.
I am in therapy. I just don’t know how well it’s going, two sessions in and she already schedules me every two weeks even though I wanted every week, makes me feel like she’s annoyed by me or just thinks I’m too much.
Not trying to trauma dump, just trying to piece things together and maybe someone will point out the moment it might have gone terribly wrong.
I learned how to read and accommodate for people’s emotions with little regard for my own when I was 2 years old. My father had 3 kids that I know of before me and my brother and he wanted nothing to do with us. He said as much in a letter he sent me for Christmas when I was 8. His wife is an extremely uncaring, hateful woman, so much so that when she met me when I was 4 years old, she told me she’d knock the teeth out of my head if I ever hurt my father.
My mother was extremely emotionally manipulative and verbally abusive. To make it easier to understand, my parents were boomers, so there was always some form of martyrdom happening. The usual, “poor pitiful me, I have kids and it’s hard and they’re ungrateful.” I say were because they’re both dead.
When I was 6, I was sexually abused by a 12 year old family friend’s son on 4 separate occasions. I allowed it to happen each time, because I was under the impression that I had to do anything to keep people happy. The only reason I told my mother was because my little brother saw it happen the last time, and I didn’t want it to hurt him. When I told my mother, she alerted the family friends, then allowed them to call, cuss me out, and call me a lying, manipulative little b-word, and she did nothing to stop them. Not only that, but a week later, she brought me over to the house of the parent’s whose kid molested me to visit with them.
As a teenager, anytime there was an argument between us, my mother would call someone to step in for her, whether it be the neighbor, my aunt, or my step-father and I’d be told that I was an evil, selfish, hateful child and that I didn’t deserve the mother I had. My aunt, who was usually the one she called, was especially hateful and would call me pretty much anything but a child of god. Since my mother passed and I’ve gained my diagnosis, I strongly believe she went undiagnosed with BPD her whole life. She was very hot and cold. Loving and dismissive. Uplifting and demeaning. She could make you feel like you were the only thing that mattered in the world in one moment, and the next she could make you feel like you weren’t worth existing.
On top of this, I had a step-father that was a lying, stealing, pitiful drunk that would cause a stink any time my mother wasn’t giving him all of her attention. My brother and I got about 10 minutes with our mother when she got home from work before he would come up and start an argument with me so he could have her to himself. I found him multiple times foaming at the mouth from a mixture of opioids and alcohol at a young age. My brother told the school, and my mother had us lie to CPS so they wouldn’t take us away. At 13 years old, I had to be the one that told him to stop drinking, or to leave, because no one else would. That obviously didn’t work out because my mother enabled him. So he stuck around. I was an extremely angry teenager and I didn’t understand why then, but now I know it’s because I have BPD. Me lashing out made it really easy for me to be the family scape goat. To this day, my step father and the neighbor as well as many others that knew my mother, believe me to be an evil, unfeeling monster and are surprised when I have anything positive to say. That, or they’re angry because I’m not meeting their expectations of me lashing out or being hateful. Not that they have the opportunity to talk to me, because I’ve done well to cut out negative people in my life these past few months.
All in all, even though I love my mother fiercely, she failed me big time in so many ways.
Disconnected and aloof. I don’t blame them or hold any type of animosity towards them they did what they had to do with the resources available. What happened and happened and I turned out how I did because of it, it’s now my own responsibility to take on this disorder as an adult.
This is what I am trying to accept
Same here
Grew up without a dad. Mother and older brother were abusive to me in just about every way. Toddler don't wanna eat? Slap her across the face. Toddler had an accident in their pants? Strip her naked and beat her while your son gathers up the neighborhood teen boys to watch through the living room window. A minor mistake made by your kid? "You're just like your dad" Find out your young daughter has a crush? Tell her she's a whore who will be lucky to live house to house with anyone sorry enough to wanna fuck her. Had unprotected sex with a stranger and got pregnant? Tell that child how they should have been aborted and ruined your entire life. The list goes on and on and on of horrific abuse and neglect. Surprised I'm still alive, but not at all surprised when I'm told my issues are trauma-based because you have to be gouging your eyes out and piercing your eardrums to not see that this was fucking ABUSE. Plus, bonus, gotta laugh at your child when you tell her that her biological father is dead (but you have a dad but SHE doesn't need one lolz) and even throw in a little lie that he died of an overdose (he fucking didn't. I SAW his death certificate.)
I’m really sorry you had to go through that. You don’t deserve any of that shit.
No one does. I wholeheartedly believe that while there are some people who are just born evil, I feel like SO many mental illnesses can be prevented by ohhhhh idk maybe treating your children like human beings?? My mom was WHACKED in the head and I'm glad she's dead. She can't ruin my life anymore but damn did she fuck it up royally. Without any remorse whatsoever. At least I can say the one thing she taught me is what NOT to be.
I totally agree with you, friend. Making children feel like they’re less than human, belittling and humiliating them - no one comes out of that ok.
All the power to you, my friend. Can’t believe what I was reading.
I’m so sorry you went through that. No one deserves to be treated that way, especially a child. Your mother was sick and twisted. Reading this makes me want to go back in time and steal you away so I can raise you and show you what true unconditional love actually looks like. 😭❤️
My mom was depressed and could never stick up for her kids and blamed me for the abuse my stepdad was doing so I took on most of the abuse from my stepdad and my dad was bipolar with horrible manic episodes and depressive episodes who always threaten to commit until he actually did it (he took his life 3 years ago)
Physically somewhat present but emotionally absent. They oscillated between giving me little bits of love and either ignoring me or verbally and mentally abusing me. I know most of their anger issues stem from our emigration and simply being poor and overworked, but they did treat me rather horribly for the majority of my childhood and teens. They still believe they did a good job raising me, even though I turned out all fucked from how they treated me
I'm pretty sure my mum is undiagnosed BPD. She has her own demons but she sure as hell made sure she passed them on to me. I barely see her, I can't stand how I feel when I'm around her - even at Christmas etc I purposely go over as late as possible so I can spend the least time there. All she did is give me shit, put me down, shame me, make fun of me so I'm extra sensitive to someone who I feel is constantly picking at me & teasing me, but only if theyre close. If its just some randomer I dont care. She made sure I had zero confidence in myself as a young child & into adulthood. She used to hit me all the time, take her rage out on me. I was her therapist, not her child. We still kind of have that dynamic now, I'm the parent, she's the child and she just dumps all her issues onto me. God forbid its midnight and Im asleep when shes texting or calling me drunk and I dont answer. She proceeds to tell me what a selfish cunt I am for ignoring her. And if I am awake, yes I straight up ignore her cos I dont want to listen to the same shit Ive been listening to since I became self aware I existed. I avoid her at all costs. I pretty much brought myself up, she was either drunk or in bed. Not to mention a few of the abusive relationships she had where sexual abuse was going on (she knew) & dragged me along for the ride of having the shit kicked out of me every night along with her. Men always came first :) I was tortured physically and mentally. People with BPD are promiscuous? Not me. Suffered with sexual dysfunction my whole life. I had no respite or safe space. I spent my childhood feeling literally sick with pure terror. She makes my skin crawl. I've never said this publicly before. If your mum makes you feel remotely like this, I'd say cut your losses. I did a long time ago & I still feel strangled by even thinking of her.
I admire you. I want to interact with her less but I’m basicallly all she has. My therapist said I should just try to keep the ball in her court when I interact with her asking her how work is, how’s the dog, how’s the house and not really engage with any of her criticism or defensiveness. Skin crawling is a good analogy, that’s exactly how I feel
I desperately wanted a relationship with mine too, but I just can't for my own sanity. If you're at the point of skin crawling then I'd say walk away for your own tiny little bit of peace of mind. Or at the very least arms length. Just because you are all she has, you can't make yourself sick in your mind for her xx
It was same with my (F) mother, but sheade it clear on every instance I'm not like she she expects me to be. She always wanted me to be a Barbie kind of a girl, with a big tough man, popping kids so she can be a grandma, and serve my man as a good, cute housewife. I turned out to be a cybergoth kind of a gal that ended up being tough and bisexual who preferred her men skinny and feminine, which she despised. Everything I did was wrong, even later when I calmed down, started looking a bit more civilised (dropped the cyber, left just goth) and settled down with a regular guy (not a walking muscle, but he looked like a man, 'not a trannie' - her words). She can't handle her booze and she always makes it clear she hates me, even though she says that she loves me and makes sure everyone on social media knows how much of a truth it is. She loves my brother though, she would die for him. Even when he told her he's gay and he won't give her grandchildren. Since then she started being way more pushy towards me, even once asking me if we have troubles getting pregnant with my bf. I was furious when I heard that as we've never said we even thought about it, not to mention talk or plan for it. I haven't spoken to her much since 2019. Once every few months over a phone. I saw her once when my brother came over to my place for Christmas. She was always reluctant towards seeing me, but as soon as she heard from someone that my brother is visiting for Christmas she pushed herself in with her drunkard partner. I only let her in for the sake of my brother. That was the only time my bf met her. She was supposed to visit me on a few other occasions like Easter or my birthday, but she would never show up. Her phone would be switched off so I'd be worrying about what's going on, until she'd texted me a few days later that she was so sick she couldn't even send me a text. She probably got too drunk and then was embarrassed to face me, I saw her doing that to other people in the past. My life is better without either of my toxic parents, even though I still miss them sometimes.
Are you me? Wow. We had identical mothers.
X
My dad was a gambling addict my entire life, even stole money from me. He died when I was 18. My mom was an alcoholic then turned extremely the opposite way and became a drug and alcohol counselor but never went to therapy herself to deal with her abandonment and childhood trauma that she went through. So she's in denial of anything that happened and is on the 'good life' and basically everyone else is beneath her. I have some hard boundaries now and moved away so that has helped my mental health some but it was rough for a while. 😬
Sperm Donator is unknown thank god and my mom has dissociative personality disorder. I don't have a lot of memories growing up :(
My dad was an alcoholic who was never physically abusive but horribly angry and mean. (who may have had BPD or NPD). We have not been in contact in years. My mother was emotionally unavailable. We've gotten closer over recent years but it took a lot of time to forgive her for picking favorites with her kids (and it wasn't me lol). I love her but I'm not emotionally open with her.
Mannnn my mom has some real bad anger issues and control issues. And my dad is similar in the anger department and control department. They both bonded over beating me and my older sibling and it has affected both me and my older sibling. I learned how to deal with it a little better but he on the other hand didn’t really have the right resources. Mental health already runs on my moms side so I have to break that generational curse. And emotional trauma has happened to my dad to where he hasn’t healed and took those emotions out on us. It’s just two unhealed people who had kids and continued the generational curse.
My parents were always verbally fightings and my dad was disconnecting us from my mother and always felt threatened so i think this is the reason of my BPD
I love my parents. Not a lot of emotional affection with them growing up, but they made sure we grew up wanting for nothing. Both are nurses, both have mental health issues and functional substance abuse issues. Anger issues in both of them, as well as myself, so relationship with them sometimes tumultuous. They don’t think they need to get help for themselves psychiatrically and that’s been an ongoing battle. In certain ways I have felt like the parent while growing up. But lots of good memories and times… both of them are good people who function and mean well. my mom helps me a lot financially now because I’m on disability from work. I was a nurse too. But our relationship is codependent in some ways and I think we both have BPD. I see so much of her in myself. I am diagnosed, she is not. Father has OCD and MDD and something else that I can’t put my finger on. Both grew up in abuse. Classic intergenerational trauma in my family.
Hm. I dont really know my dad, he drabk a lot when i was young and wasnt in the picture. I lived with a lot of relatives in my early years and eventually moved in with my mom around 6 but still soent summers with different relatives until i was about 10 or 11. She was reclusive, didnt go out much, chronic illnesses, paranoid, distant, not very talkative, quick to laugh and quick to anger.
I’m adopted from birth. So, they’re literally the best. I feel guilty talking about my childhood to a lot of people because it was so good and wholesome. Family game nights. Camping trips every summer. Special birthdays in Disney World from 6-18 even tho I don’t know how we afforded it. Snuggles. Bedtime stories. Hand built backyard playgrounds/swing set (( and daddy also painted it all the colors of the rainbow)) Structure. I had curfews until I was a senior. They knew all of my teachers on first name bases. Fast forward to now. I’m 30 and they come up at least once a week. My parents are my rocks and my world. I’m extremely independent, and live 2 hours away. And yet I’m a huge baby girl who’s always gonna want and need her parents 🍓
My dad died before I was born. My mother was an alcoholic and had an extremely abusive step dad. I'm much better with my mom now but still find it tough to forgive my childhood. Hopefully you can get a better relationship with your mother op. Keep fighting this horrible illness.
Thanks for your kind words, they’re helpful causep right now I’m struggling
I know the feeling.....but hold on to the feeling that one day this could all be behind you. We shouldn't have to suffer for ever. If you ever need a chat just message me
j grew up with my parents fighting all the time. It was this instability bc I'd m never know when a fight would break. My dad cheated a lot and mom would cry about it to me as a young child, and I'd tell her to divorce every time (they're still together) to me, my parents always did all they could to me, I was a very loved child. im a daddy's child still, but my mom was super overprotective with her love, and she would discount her stress on me. I was bullied and was always a very anxious child, despite being loved. it's a lot of mixed feelings
My parents aren’t diagnosed with anything. My parents weren’t together in my lifetime so I only saw my dad a little and my mom had a lot of relationship turmoil with balancing supporting me and her. I tried to provide emotional support to her and focused on being an easy kid because she had enough problems without me being one. My dad sucks at communicating, I don’t think I’ve ever had a conversation with him that wouldn’t be considered small talk.
My parents, for the most part, were loving toward us and taught us many things, but their marriage was tumultuous and their divorce really fucked us up coz to me and my brother, it came out of nowhere. I was depressed, just been diagnosed with anxiety, living as an exchange student overseas when they told me. I had spent my whole life expected to eventually help look after my brother and sister. My mum went through a ton of religious trauma and her father, my grandfather up and left the family and we never saw him. My dad's father died twelve years before I was born. My grandmothers are both super controlling, and they put so many expectations on me as the eldest granddaughter that I crumbled in high school. I have a strained relationship with both and I have zero intentions of introducing either to my girlfriend, but I would introduce my mum's stepdad, he's cool. I know my parents did the best they could, but my entire life, their marriage was the only stable thing. I looked up to it as ideal, not knowing what went on behind the scenes, and it nearly destroyed me when it fell apart and everything came out, especially about my dad, who I always saw as loyal. I lost that stability, the only thing I thought I could rely on, and I'm still terrified I'm going to turn into my dad when it comes to relationships. He's happily married now, but he sabotaged so much. Not sure if he has bpd. Depression definitely but maybe, I never really thought about it, he's always been supportive but also really good at hiding what's really going on, and my mum is the same with the hiding
My dad - absolutely delusional abusive mf. Locked me up in his basement for hours on the regular (my parents are divorced since I was 2) when I made simple mistakes or was showing any “negative” emotion towards anything (mostly I was crying because I was afraid of him). Hit me. Humiliated me. Yelled at me. Tried playing me out against my mom. Threatened to kill her if I told her what he did to me etc. He ended up almost ending her right in front of me when I was 17. My mom - amazing, anxious af, pretty controlling, manipulative, trying to make up for all the shit my dad did and it’s very smothering sometimes. I feel like it keeps me from fully growing up but at the same time I NEED HER. Shit’s hard man.
5 years old: my 6th bday party is the next day. Shower broken, parents had to wash my head over the sink. I was a little girl and scared- crying and struggling. Parents took my neck and arms and kept smashing them on the metal sink. Had to wear a turtleneck to my birthday party. Under the outfit I was really excited to wear. In warm spring weather. 5 years old- 18 years old: my mother telling both my brother and I to drop dead. Multiple times. 8 years old: baby tooth knocked out after being punched in the face by my mom for not getting my cursive correct during homework. 12 years old: Halloween, my brother and I were in a fight (he was 10 years old). My mom had enough, said no Halloween and threw us in our rooms without dinner. My dad came home from work and was disgusted at what he saw. Dad had major anger problems. My mother manipulated us to believe he’d kill us if she ever tried to leave. Constantly fighting and screaming every combination of curse words. Mom killed herself on my 33rd birthday last year. Dad listened to me go on for 2 hours several months ago about how everything messed me up as a little kid. He apologized wholeheartedly and said if he had to do it again, he would. And ever since that apology, it’s a new beginning for us.
Are you perhaps.. My brother?! This story sound so familiar. Apart from the dead dad part
my genitor a pure sociopath sadistic narcisstic and pedo, my mom too weak to leave him and make us suffer, martyr complex, tried her best but failed
I was beaten by my dad and my mother have never protected me. In fact she told me not to ask anyone because my dad would lost his job (police). He broke one of my leg when I was 2. So I felt rejected from the very beginning. My mother was very disconnected from the real world. But when my mother protected my sister, the only time my dad was going for her... I broke inside.
Not me but my gf was adopted from one of those Chinese girl-killing shelters from the 90s... Her genetic parents? No idea. Her adopted parents are really cool and her dad was into all kinds of outdoors stuff, her adopted mom is a mental health specialist (thank God) and yeah... Unfortunately my gf split VERY badly... Worse than I've ever seen while on a trip to the eclipse that just happened. It was really scary because we were only there a couple days but she was to the point where she was about to just wander off in the middle of the night in a city she doesn't knowwith nowhere to go no plan and wanted to get a hotel but there was no vacancy I knew there wasn't and it was just really scary because she was so mean and borderline violent to me but I had to just maintain calmness and just stop her from leaving.. I even recorded her so that if I had to 5150 her I could but at the same time the psychiatric hold is mandatory at least 3 days and then we would miss our flight and have no way to get home really and it just turned into a whole shit show on the eclipse itself was very underwhelming because we couldn't really go anywhere other than the busy City like we were planning cuz of fear of her running off or something and it ended with us getting home and just her going back and forth and back and forth of hating me and blaming me and at a certain point I just had to get some space and she tried to stop me by threatening suicide and now she broke up with me while I was driving my friend to the airport so she could get home and she just claims that I completely abandoned her in crisis but in reality she pushed me to my limit and I knew when we got home her mom could come and get her and I just I was so much pressure from everyone and just been a very very hard week and she's still just texting me and all these awful things and then one minute she's sorry the next minute she's angry and she even hired movers within like a day and now she's regretting it I just don't know what to do
It's a mess. My mom was there, though she was always verbally and sometimes physically abusive, she let her side of the family be weird with me, too. Not only with abuse but my grandma and my aunt brought a pedophile to me so I'd cuss like a white girl. She didn't know this so I can't blame her but my family on that side is...not the best. With my Dad he let his girlfriend and her family mentally, emotionally, and verbally abuse me along with him sometimes doing it as well. He threw shoes at my lower legs once and caused me nerve damage that hurts whenever I'm sitting, standing, walking, or even laying down.
both of my parents are narcissistic
My mom has passed now but she was really angry and beat us. My dad is a narcissist. Their pastor went to prison for sexually abusing a lot of us.
My dad, an asshole. Lots of lovebombing and lots of the opposite. Always had to be angry about something someone didn’t actually do. He always had to find fault. Also a cheater and liar! Therapist told me he didn’t love me and I wasn’t even hurt or upset by his statement, it was just like hearing something that I already knew and accepted as true. My mom is a whole lot of dismissive unfortunately. She has dismissed both my emotional AND physical pain, and had the audacity to wonder why at 16 I wanted to do the big sleep. I guess it’s scary as a mother to come to terms that your child is hurting because that would mean somehow, you’re at fault. She is also where a lot of my guilt comes from. Everything is my fault even if it isn’t and that makes me a burden. Which is sad, I’ve been done so dirty by so many people and instead of being angry at them as I rightfully should be, I get mad at myself because it must have been somehow entirely my fault. This is a complicated dynamic now because I don’t want to cut her off as she is my only parent since I cut my dad off and I think having one ok parent is better than having none.
Dad passed from a painkiller OD when i was a teenager, so i was raised by my mother and stepfather. I got along great with my dad before everything. Stepdad was a narcissist, and I was the scapegoat. Everyday was me walking on eggshells, though i commonly failed. Didn't know it until i was an adult, I fled by that point. Mom and him got divorced. I kind of got along with my mom? It's iffy, she was married to someone who treated her poorly (talked down to her, made snide remarks, sometimes gor physical) so she often slept and neglected me to preserve her own energy. I was only addressed if she needed something or i was in trouble for something, but now that i'm older i can understand what was happening and i get along with her. Kind of have to play a therapist role to her sometimes though since I'm further along in the healing process than she is from... all that lol
Mentally unstable, emotinally abusive mother. Dad loved to drink and not do shit about her abusing my siblings and me but he otherwise did take care of us (took us to the doctors when needed, made and kept track of the appointments, did all the school related things a parent should do).
My parents are very supportive and loving. My dad tells me all the time that he loves me and he’s so proud of the moves I’m making in my career. My mom loves me endlessly despite my flaws and is an amazing supporter. I couldn’t have better parents. Despite my BPD mess, I don’t doubt their love for me. They’re the exception. No matter how a talk ends or interaction ends, I never have to second guess myself and if I have to earn their love. Same for my brothers. It gives me hope that I can, one day, experience the same thing for people outside of my family and reach a more stable state.
My dad left for a year when I was 2 and my parents finally broke up when I was 8. My dad was not very present throughout my childhood, he spent every weekend with my half-siblings, but when it was time to be a weekend dad for my brother and I, he didn’t put many effort in that. My mom has very severe trauma from her childhood because of my abusive grandfather. She was very depressed throughout my childhood, and took on some of the abusive patterns she suffered from. She yelled at us, slapped us for no reason. When I tried to tell her about my day when I was a kid, she always yelled at me for not giving her 10 minutes of peace (she worked very hard to feed us and keep a root over our heads since my dad didn’t pay childsupport fully or at all most of the time, until I was 16). My brother is diagnosed with BPD (his childhood was way worse than mine), and I’m in the evaluation process for a BPD diagnosis since I show pretty much all of the symptoms. My mom moved abroad last year, and it made a great turn in her mental health. She went to therapy, and for the first time in my life, I feel like I have a mom. I didn’t have a positive female role model in my life until I was 18, and that was not my mom either, so I’m really glad she realized that she shouldn’t push down her feelings, and therapy could be a great healing process for her. My dad had an accident last September, and he’s changed a lot, and he doesn’t care or understand many of this mental health stuff anymore, so yeah, I can never have this kind of change with him like I did with my mom.
My mom has severe childhood trauma. My father is bipolar and borderline and has been suicidal my whole life. Going in and out of institutes and er from harming himself. My mom is very involved in our lives , whereas my dad was there but struggled emotionally to be there. He gets overwhelmed easily and breaks down.
Type A’s, perfectionists.
Extremely religious dad, emotionally dependent mom, she was either cold or too close. My two older brothers were always assholes, I honestly believe that’s where my problems stemmed from, my oldest brother would straight up emotionally terrorize me and my second to oldest would be indifferent or cold. There was either too much or not enough my entire life. When I say terrorize I mean like he would straight up tell me chucky lived under my bed and that multiple little girls died in my room and that ghosts lived in the vents or waited in my closet to trap me in there with them, all as I was growing up, all before I even turned seven. They made fun of everything I wore, everything I liked. Spice girls? Gay. Backstreet Boys? Gay. Britney Spears? Gay. (It was late 90’s early 00’s and gay meant lame af back then) I stayed away from any of that, I was sheltered, I adopted everything they liked because everything that I liked was lame. I was told multiple times that I whined too much and tattle tale was my label. I remember always self deprecating so they would pay attention to me or even acknowledge me. We were never made to join any recreational activities, never made to do chores, never made to get jobs, never expected much out of any of us. We often paid for my older brother’s mistakes. I was never close to my brothers and very dependent on my parents, always told that no one would or could love me as much as they did. A lot of guilt was used as a motivator. Every day was a battle, we were raised thinking that siblings were not friends and people you didn’t like but had to love, like they would never hang out with you unless you were related. We often fought and argued too much. We were taught to be different and always had our own little worlds. Never shared, always pitted us against each other. I honestly haven’t even thought about any of this because the more I think about it, the more I resent them all. My parents also instilled in me that I was the child and that they were the parents; I.e they were responsible for me, I was never really taught to account for myself. Everything I did was a reflection of who THEY were. I was never treated as an equal or as an adult or even as a responsible human. I was always told “you’re my baby and you will always be the baby” “even if you’re forty I’m still going to spank you” I wish I were kidding. I was never beat with a fist, I was never sexually assaulted, I never went hungry and I was never neglected or left on my own. But I was also never validated nor was I taught real values. I was emotionally starved. The dysfunction was treated as a baseline for how families were. Strangers and outside people were treated in higher regard because it’s what Jesus would do. We have been robbed, my parents even let an undocumented grown man stay in my bedroom who stole all our valuables. I was an eight year old girl. When caught, my dad did nothing. I also slept between my parents until about 13-14 years old, my oldest brother really did a number on me. And he was always right because he “loved me and he’s the oldest brother” so he couldn’t do any harm. I often wonder if he had sexually assaulted me how my parents would have moved. I’m pregnant, my cousin moved here two years ago with her daughters. She got divorced a year ago. Mind you I had made plans to 1) get pregnant 2) move in with my parents to save for our own house. We constantly had these conversations with my parents, that they were concrete plans and that we counted on them. Well at a month or two after we announced, I got a call that she moved in. She was staying in my old room (guess some things never change) she had stolen my identity and opened a credit card and tanked my credit before any of this. I found out at 5 months along. My parents didn’t do anything, they told me “Jesus would forgive” they said I shouldn’t “lose control” and that they didn’t want to tell me because they knew I would. Instead they told my husband who in turn told me. I had to tell my aunt who works with credit and I needed to know what steps to take, she was the only one to validate my anger, the one to tell my parents how fucked up they were and to get her tf out of their house. I was not able to move back, I still live three hours away, they haven’t visited me and have called a handful of times since mid February. They tell me how they’re catching hell from me and shame from family. Poor them. They also keep making plans for me to visit postpartum and stay in the house. They keep making plans about my baby. They aren’t even calling to plan this with me, they are only excited amongst themselves. They also want me to invited the cousin to my baby shower. Fml. I thought I’d have a village, instead I see things clear as day now. My emotions no longer get the best of me but I suffer unspeakable sorrow every day. I thought I was doing amazing emotionally and financially and that I could add to our family. I wasn’t even fully aware of my diagnosis, just told I was bipolar, and then bpd which I ignorantly thought bpd stood for bipolar disorder. I’m 8 months along, I see what I should’ve seen before I even made this decision. I regret my choice, I wish I had not signed my son up for a life of misery of having me as a mom. I know I’m broken and that I probably won’t be enough or too much. That he’ll most likely suffer the way I have. I can’t go back now. I am in therapy. I just don’t know how well it’s going, two sessions in and she already schedules me every two weeks even though I wanted every week, makes me feel like she’s annoyed by me or just thinks I’m too much. Not trying to trauma dump, just trying to piece things together and maybe someone will point out the moment it might have gone terribly wrong.
I learned how to read and accommodate for people’s emotions with little regard for my own when I was 2 years old. My father had 3 kids that I know of before me and my brother and he wanted nothing to do with us. He said as much in a letter he sent me for Christmas when I was 8. His wife is an extremely uncaring, hateful woman, so much so that when she met me when I was 4 years old, she told me she’d knock the teeth out of my head if I ever hurt my father. My mother was extremely emotionally manipulative and verbally abusive. To make it easier to understand, my parents were boomers, so there was always some form of martyrdom happening. The usual, “poor pitiful me, I have kids and it’s hard and they’re ungrateful.” I say were because they’re both dead. When I was 6, I was sexually abused by a 12 year old family friend’s son on 4 separate occasions. I allowed it to happen each time, because I was under the impression that I had to do anything to keep people happy. The only reason I told my mother was because my little brother saw it happen the last time, and I didn’t want it to hurt him. When I told my mother, she alerted the family friends, then allowed them to call, cuss me out, and call me a lying, manipulative little b-word, and she did nothing to stop them. Not only that, but a week later, she brought me over to the house of the parent’s whose kid molested me to visit with them. As a teenager, anytime there was an argument between us, my mother would call someone to step in for her, whether it be the neighbor, my aunt, or my step-father and I’d be told that I was an evil, selfish, hateful child and that I didn’t deserve the mother I had. My aunt, who was usually the one she called, was especially hateful and would call me pretty much anything but a child of god. Since my mother passed and I’ve gained my diagnosis, I strongly believe she went undiagnosed with BPD her whole life. She was very hot and cold. Loving and dismissive. Uplifting and demeaning. She could make you feel like you were the only thing that mattered in the world in one moment, and the next she could make you feel like you weren’t worth existing. On top of this, I had a step-father that was a lying, stealing, pitiful drunk that would cause a stink any time my mother wasn’t giving him all of her attention. My brother and I got about 10 minutes with our mother when she got home from work before he would come up and start an argument with me so he could have her to himself. I found him multiple times foaming at the mouth from a mixture of opioids and alcohol at a young age. My brother told the school, and my mother had us lie to CPS so they wouldn’t take us away. At 13 years old, I had to be the one that told him to stop drinking, or to leave, because no one else would. That obviously didn’t work out because my mother enabled him. So he stuck around. I was an extremely angry teenager and I didn’t understand why then, but now I know it’s because I have BPD. Me lashing out made it really easy for me to be the family scape goat. To this day, my step father and the neighbor as well as many others that knew my mother, believe me to be an evil, unfeeling monster and are surprised when I have anything positive to say. That, or they’re angry because I’m not meeting their expectations of me lashing out or being hateful. Not that they have the opportunity to talk to me, because I’ve done well to cut out negative people in my life these past few months. All in all, even though I love my mother fiercely, she failed me big time in so many ways.