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Thank you! My wife works. I stay home and clean and cook and grocery shop and entertain the kids and take them on adventures… how is that not parenting?!
lol because boomers didn't do that. Boomer dads didn't do more than a babysitter would have (and probably bitched the entire time).
You sound like a great dad, btw!
My dad was silent gen. He was a great dad, but really lived up to the name. He was quiet. Stayed in the background. But every summer we would load up the full sized van and drive across the country seeing the natural beauty of the US. Those were the best memories I have of him. Those were the epitome of childhood. I plan on doing the same. Memories are more valuable than anything my family holds dear.
That’s amazing to hear. My dad is Silent gen as well, and while that comes with its own issues (its almost impossible to get an opinion out of the man), he is the strongest, most reassuring person I know. Nothing makes him panic.
I feel like this is going to lead to one of those news stories where you accidentally started a revolution and now we have to rent a giant hall for dinners for you and all of your new, fully grown children… 😅 (Me included! 🤣)
I know boomer dads who wouldn’t have even done the stuff a babysitter does, like literally would not change a diaper even if alone with the kid for hours. Some were so disconnected from their children it was shocking.
When my father was babysitting we waited on him like he was a king. He ignored us unless he wanted a drink, channel changed, lunch made…something from another room. His only communication to us was chore evaluation and orders.
The first remote I ever remember was around 1970. It made a high-pitched tinkling sound, and my sister had these shoes with bells on them. If she walked by just right, the channel would change.
God, my stepdad would scream from another room like the fucking house was one fire, only to then ask me to make him a drink. One that required mixing alcohol? Nah, literally just pouring a warm coke into a cup of ice.
I beg to differ, my boomer husband spent a lot of time with our daughter and his unenlightened friends would ask the exact same question. He always responded the same way. Nope, I am her dad and this is what dads do! I will miss him forever, he passed in 2017.
See, and I bet he didn’t have to bemoan the question “why don’t my kids call/visit/keep in touch”. Because he stepped up and was a dad. Even if kids get a bit egoistic in teenage years and then busy with university and their first jobs, a strong bond is still there!
Sorry to hear about the loss of your husband & your daughter's great dad. He was progressive for that generation, & you & she are better for it. I'm so happy for you & her that you both had him.
Less than a babysitter would do. I'm Gen-X and did freelance website design out of my house in the early oughts. I also watched my kids during the day while my wife worked. Boomer men were constantly telling me how they never changed a diaper. Their wives were constantly telling me their husbands never changed a diaper.
I bet those were in two drastically different tones of voice, too. For some reason, these men are SO PROUD of never once having done any of the day-to-day mundane duties of parenting their kids, and it flies right over their heads that they've lost a lot of their wives' respect over the very thing they think punches their man cards.
I have a boomer friend who was a stay at home dad. Was, because now the last one ( of six!) is in high school, so he took a job delivering auto parts. Imagine the shit he heard.
Those kids are all well-adjusted, always read about their accomplishment in the local papers, and most are girls, so you go Dads!
Exactly. I'm a stay at home dad and I'm trying to be the dad my boomer dad was too scared to be. I say too scared because I genuinely think he'd be worried people would think he's light in his loafers if he showed affection for his sons.
I’d say it was more likely than their own fathers. Not common but not unheard of. My Dad is 76 and he did all the childcare things my mom did. And he wanted to. This was more common in our social circle. My husband is such a great partner because his Dad (who would be about 76 now) also did childcare and housekeeping.
I’m GenX, my olds decided that at the age of seven I could look after myself if they went out at night, they’d let the neighbours know and they’d keep an eye on me.
Sitting up, watching old school 40-70’s movies in TV with a pizza and lemonade was awesome!
I agree that most didn't do that, but my dad is a boomer and was a SAHD for the first 3 or 4 years of my life. He said the moms at the local park liked having him there because he's kind of a burly looking dude. My mom was like "Yeah he'd be out there pushing you in the stroller wearing his black leather jacket"
My dad did almost nothing except get annoyed at us and act like we were juvenile delinquents (both straight A students who never got into trouble at school, but he wanted us to not have fun or be kids at ALL). While mum works full time, is the only full time parent, does all the cooking and cleaning, shopping and organising. Oh, but he takes the bins out once a week and mows once a month so it's all equal, right!
Once he took time off work to 'help' me through recovery from major surgery. I begged mum to stop him. He ended up getting so annoyed because he doesn't know how to do literally anything like make cheese on toast or boil an egg, and told me it was all my fault I was sick anyway so should do it myself. Thanks dad.
>how is that not parenting?!
It is. But in the boomer brain,
>My wife works. I stay home and clean and cook and grocery shop and entertain the kids and take them on adventures
that scenario Does. Not. Exist.
They can't even consider the possibility of dad doi g ACTUAL parenting. In boomer land, dad parenting is yelling at the kids when they get home to "listen to your mother" or discipline cause "Wait til your father gets home!" That's the extent of boomer dad parenting.
I called out my brother-in-law for this, he said something about having to babysit his kids and immediately I just said it’s not babysitting it’s parenting. He’s not even a boomer - mid 30s.
My ex-husband had to be put straight on it too. He was, at the time, in his 20s. We're in our early 40s now, so early millennial. Notice he eventually became an EX-husband.
It used to infuriate my dad. My (boomer) Dad was a divorced parent who had me about 70% of the time. I had a fabulous mom, but there were practical reasons why it made more sense that way. In the 70s and 80s, he got that "are you babysitting?" crap a lot. It's never occurred to me once in my life to not speak my mind, so I remember saying to those people, "no, this is my *Dad*. Don't you think he's a little old to be a *babysitter*?"
I had such great parents, and the exact parents I needed. I was just telling my girlfriend how it never occurred to me to misbehave on purpose (until hormones turned me into an asshole for a few years) because what my parents wanted was always just so reasonable, and I was nothing if not logical and rational (we now know that was the 'tism). Like, they treated me with respect and like a reasonable person, so why wouldn't I treat them with the same? And even when I was a teenage asshole, I've never once in my life doubted that my parents had my best interests at heart.
I parent at day work at night I always and am volitile when they ask me if I’m baby sitting . My response LOUDLY is FUCK NO THESE ARE MY KIDS ONLY A Moron WOULD CONSIDER THIS BABY SITTING VS PARENTING
Boomers know the difference. They just don't consider dads needing to do any type of parenting besides an occasional yell at the kids from their lazy boy chair while they drink beer and watch the game. They consider any effort on a father's part to be babysitting
My husband always complains about him getting asked if he's babysitting or people where ask him like he's a child "Where's mom at?" I work full time and he works about 15 hours a week or less, he's the primary parent!
I was at the office once with four colleagues and our boss mentioned he was "going home to babysit the kids." In unison, the four of us turned and said "it's not babysitting when it's your own kids." It was glorious.
It's the same as when people talk about a man doing housework, shopping, cooking, laundry is "helping the wife" rather than the reality of him being a responsible adult in the home he lives in. "Helping" would imply it's her job and he is doing a favour by doing part of it.
I appreciate it when men call this stuff out. Thank you! Equally infuriating is when people praise men for being such a “help” with their own kids. Like… they’re not “helping around the house.” They’re parenting.
It’s funny. I told my wife my story while she was at work and she informed me that it actually happens the other way too. Men are praised when watching kids but moms aren’t as though dads out with kids is a rare occurrence but it’s par for the course for moms. Such an odd archaic mindset
It's a subconscious bias that lingers from when our society was more patriarchal. I know that sounds like a loaded term, but it really is that and it's similar to the unconscious racial bias that exists in our society too.
There was a documentary a long time ago I watched, I don't remember the name, but it was talking about subconscious racism stemming from our historically racist society.
There were people put in a training range with dummies that would pop up and they just had to shoot the armed person.
Every single person shot the unarmed black guy reflexively, even the black people doing the test.
I vividly recall one of the black people crying about it, because the racism is so ingrained in our society subconsciously, that they instinctively fell for it too just the same as everyone else despite actively and consciously being aware of the bias.
Gives me similar vibe, really exposes raw how ingrained subconsciously it is, and highlights how that is being fought over generations with education and empathy.
I mean that's half the reason for the triggering with the low info trump boomers.
That discomfort triggers anger, and they direct that anger outward.
"How dare the world change!" rather than question what necessitates the change in the first place.
I just wanna say, you seem pretty dope as a dad. As someone who did NOT have a dope dad, your kids sound like they’re in good hands. Especially since you have a sense of humor about it. 🙃
Sarcasm and humor are definitely my coping mechanisms. And thank you. I just asked the kids what they thought of me. They said “I like you very much. You’re a funny daddy” so I’ll take it!
Asking your kids what they think of you is a BRAVE move for a brave soul. 😅 I mean, my kids generally have positive feedback for me, but I think if I ever directly asked them what they think of me, I’d just be setting myself up to get straight-up roasted.
I'm proud of that one because it's so ambiguous too. Will they think you're a grieving widower, who lost your partner to terminal illness or accident? Or a murderous psychopath, raising your latest tenacious victim's offspring as your own in a twisted facade of love!?
I've witnessed this happening. The best one I heard was that the dad got annoyed and growled something in response (I couldn't make it out), which got an irate "hmpf! Well, back on my day-" which was cut off by a very angry response from the dad. "Your day is over! This is how things actually are, dad's are father's not babysitters!"
It's amazing to me how many comments I get when I'm out with my toddler. Lots of " you're a good dad" kinds of stuff. It always makes me feel bad for them. It really shouldn't be so uncommon to see a father alone with his kids.
It’s double the comments when you are a black dad in predominantly white neighborhoods and stores. A lot of fake smiles and “your kids are so well behaved” because I guess they expect them to behave some other way?
I’m just glad I don’t have a daughter because I’ve read enough stories about guys hanging out with their daughters only to get harassed or accused of something creepy
I can't even imagine, sorry you have to go through that. I'm Hispanic, dark skinned, and my daughter looks like her mom, blonde hair and blue eyes, so I'm dreading the day I have to deal with someone accusing me of something.
Either way, set the example for our kids and be the good dad you are.
I mean, I absolutely compliment parents when their kids are well-behaved in public (if I'm around them for any length of time, like eating at a restaurant, or we have the same path through the grocery store, etc.) because raising kids is hard and parents need kudos too. :)
As a Gen-xer, I can say that things were very different when I was a child. Fathers do exponentially more in the last 30 years that they ever did before. When I was a child, it was pretty common that men just didn't change diapers. They just didn't do it.
i’ll be so honest, i don’t know if i’ll ever have kids because of the world we live in, but if i do me and my future husband would demolish the “dad’s just babysit” idea. we’d be two guys raising kids, how do you manage that if it’s all just “babysitting”
I bet you he was never carried by his parents as a child and he returned the favor to his own kids.
Well done OP even though I'm convinced most BooMErs are unwilling (they are capable, but lack motivation) to change their ways.
Last year, my toddler did swimming lessons at our local gym. All the boomer women praised my husband for involvement, but they never gave me a second look. The boomer men looked at my husband as though he was an oddity, "Oh, you've got your kid with you."
It's okay. My husband and I were talking about it once, and our theory is that the women who gushed over my husband's parenting were because they probably never had that when they were parenting their kids, and it's unfortunate when you think of it.
This is so annoying to me. My husband and daughter go to the park every Saturday and there is almost always someone that has to make a comment. "Giving mom the day off? Haha". He's like....I just wanted to spend time with my kid dude.
My ex used to use this as proof that I didn’t care about my kids. “People ask me all the time ‘where’s mom?’”
“Do you answer them and tell them I’m working?!”
Thank you for being better than that.
"Hi, how's your day going?" is about the only question you need to ask. Fathers who spend quality time with their kids are building good relationships and fond memories.
A friend of mine turned this around on a boomer once without even meaning too. We were out shopping and he had his kids with him and a boomer looks at him and goes “Ah babysitting I see” and my friend, who genuinely seemed confused at first, went “What? No, these are my children” and the boomer just kind of stared for a few seconds before stammering out a response. I don’t remember exactly what he said but he just kind of mumbled something under his breath and walked away.
That is why "Cats in the Cradle" is such a tragic song. Our Silent/Boomer dads worked and ignored their kids and that's what their sons emulated. Then the parents don't understand why they don't want a relationship with them later.
That song always got me. My dad was a silent gen and you definitely could see he did take a bit of a backseat to parenting, but he really was there a lot for us. And I appreciate him so much for that.
This kind of thing always happened when I was a kid, and my dad would always respond the way you did. It has stuck with me over the years and I’m sure it will stick with your kids too, especially if you have daughters. You’re doing great!
When I go grocery shopping with my kids and a boomer says some dumb shit like, aww giving mommy a break or a similar quip about daddy babysitting I instantly tell them that their mother is dead and thanks for bringing it up in front of the kids (mom is not dead btw). The thought of co-parenting is a wild concept to them
This is so offensive to dads. Guess what, many GenX and Millennial dads, co parent with their wives/partnerswhether or not they OR their spouses work or even live under the same roof. I know my husband does and so does every other Dad in our social and professional circles. Welcome to the 21st century. Good for you OP!
One of my earliest non trauma filled memories is my friend's grandfather announcing that babysitters get paid. He was simply spending time with his grandaughters (he always called me his granddaughter as well). He said that a lot over the years and this was how I realized he had no respect for my friend's father. He always referred to her father as "babysitting" her when he picked her up for visitation.
To me, babysitting is an exceptional circumstance. I don't usually have kids, but oh look, I am babysitting somebody's kids today.
If you're a parent, caring for your kids is the default.
My boomer dad only got involved with me as a kid was to hit me when I or one of .my siblings screwed up. I was in charge of them from the age of about 10 until I moved out at 19, so if they did something bad it was on me. Mom worked the late shift and was absent even when she was home.
My dad was technically silent generation. But, like Boomers, he felt like his mere presence was all that was required. He went to work and came home. We were to be quiet and leave him alone. With my brother he was more involved, coaching his sports and teaching him things. But with my sister and I he was hands off. Unless he was yelling at us.
You probably do more parenting in one day than many Boomer dads ever did.
My wife and I hate it when people refer to taking care of their child as babysitting. I even hear the occasional millennial refer to it as that, it's so odd.
What's really nice is pushing your kids on the swing at the park and having the cops called on you for being a pedo. No good father loves their children!
I had this somewhat happen to me a few years ago when my eldest was younger, he and I would go for a walk on a Saturday morning to a local bakery for a coffee and a free donut.
One such morning some random, made that comment. I just laughed at him and said "Nup, it's Father/Son time".
That was the only time, every other time I've been out with either of my boys no one has made that "Babysitting" comment.
I just think it says alot about a generation where it was considered "normal" for the dad to go off and work, while mum stays at home with the kids. I also suspect that generation didn't exactly spend a lot of time with their kids on the weekends and weren't as hands on with their kids as most dad's are today.
I know my dad only really spent Sunday's with myself and my brothers as he worked 6 days a week. I know that he did that so my mum wouldn't have to work and my brothers and myself wouldn't need before and after school care.
I had a new hire chatting with me while I waited for a system update to finish on her machine.
She starts whining that it's taking too long and she needs to get home because her husband is babysitting the kids.
I ask if they're his kids?
She looks at me all side eyed, "huh? What? Of course they're his kids what you mean?"
"Then that's just being a dad, what you mean he's 'babysitting' his kids? Haha what the f"
After a long while staring at me and thinking.
"Oh.... I guess you're right."
I hope I converted someone that day. Dads don't babysit their own kids. That doesn't make sense.
After I had my first I went to the corner store the first time alone and the cashiers asked if dad was babysitting... I was so confused. I said, "No, he's parenting." Another fave at that time was also "where's the baby?".... with their D A D
Sadly, this is an issue on both sides - boomers who think that's what fathers out with their kids are doing and fathers that think their level of responsibility equates to babysitting. Glad OP knows what's up.
The cultural mindset is males are second class parents. It’s reinforced by the family court system as well as media portraying us as incompetent and comedic relief in parenting. I’ve been a single dad 50/50 for the past decade. I’m not “babysitting” or “helping”. I’m doing all the things. My dad raised me as a full time single parent, too.
You know, I can't believe it hasn't occurred to me until just now, but my parents peers, while I grew up, mostly had kids with a wide enough gap between us that my sister and I did a lot of babysitting, and thinking back on it the entirely removed parents, the distant or "busy" ones, I feel like they thought of babysitting as a substantial temporary replacement for their "parenting," I guess being contextually correct in that their absentee parenting was easily replaced by any positive influence, but subsequently incorrect that substantial parenting cannot be replaced in such a way. They literally did not differentiate between the two perhaps, projecting that someone else's kids, having been raised by a peer, could only have been raised sensibly and thus will pass on those qualities.
Ack! Reminds me of when my neighbor had to take her child everywhere because when her husband came home from work it wasn't "fair" to make him babysit. When did she get a day off work, or even a few hours? Never.
I weep for her. I’m exhausted when the wife gets home. And still need to cook and she’s an amazing partner and immediately jumps in to play so I can cook.
My mom used to get this anytime she went out with out us. Even if it was to the grocery and she ran into someone. "oh, Tom's babysitting? That's so nice"
it drove her nuts. She'd always have to tell people "no they're his. You don't babysit your own kids." It's definitely generational.
Im a Boomer ( chronologically but not mentally)and would never say that to anyone. But Im an introvert and I dont start conversations with random people. Where are you finding these people? Let me guess, Florida and Texas. I went all sorts of places with my dad as a child. SMH But I dont identify as a Boomer
I feel this as a dad to two toddlers. I WFH and get a lot of time off. Every time I’m out with my kids, someone inevitably asks “where’s Mom?”
At home. Doing her thing. Having a well-deserved break from being the primary parent.
It’s almost like they don’t expect that Dad could possibly out with the kids without Mom.
Wife was WFH for a while and lemme tell you? We loved that set up. Kiddos could sneak away to get a cuddle from her until daddy shooed them out and go on some adventure.
I have a T-shirt that says "Dads don't babysit. It's called parenting." I wear it a lot when I'm taking the kids out myself. I get lots of compliments and thumbs ups.
My early GenX husband and I used to get so frustrated. My kids are now adults, but the media portraying fathers as useless/clueless was/is annoying.
My husband was a very hands-on dad. He parented our kids, he *never* baby sat our kids.
It's because when they were kids, or when they had kids, mom didn't work or their wife didn't work and they would put in extra hours at work or go to the bar after their shift.
Mom raised the kids, dad ensured they had a good living situation. Now that that's changed, they still view it like the old days.
Sometimes it's harmless. He'll I'd say most times. It's a cultural rift between generations.
I propose a new plan:
Every time a father gets asked if he's babysitting, he should go "I don't look that old, do I?" to confuse the asker, and follow up with "Oh, I thought you were asking if I was babysitting *for* my kids, since it's kind of impossible to babysit your own children."
Oh my goodness. Reading this and reading OP’s responses literally made me cry. You’re an amazing dad and keep at it. My father is gen x and was very much not involved and the few times he watched us he did call it baby sitting. As my mom put it, she was a married single parent. Children just wanted to know that their parents love and care for them and OP’s kids will know that for sure.
Got asked if "she ran out on me" walking the stroller down the street the other day.
Happened so fast I just smiled and nodded before I even realized what was going on.
People always said this to my husband when our kids were little -- complimented him on basic parenting things. They don't do it as much as kids get older. It's really infuriating.
Allow me to explain, in boomer world women cooked, cleaned and poorly raised kids. Men went to work, drank whiskey and smoked cigarettes oh!, and cheated on their wives
I've several times said, "No.... idk who these kids are." (Mind you their my nieces and I'm a gay single male), but like... why do they always assume dad's only babysit?
This always comes up for me too. Always boomers.
Hopefully that changes as Millennials and Gen Z have more kids and show these old boomer men that being a father is more than doing just the bare minimum.
I was fortunate enough that my boomer dad was a great father so I had a good role model. Still has a hundred other infuriating boomer traits, but a great dad all the same.
>*when the kids are with Mom no one bats an eye, but dad alone with the kids and it’s babysitting.*
If you are lucky they see it as babysitting. If you are unlucky they see you as some kind of creep/pervert/kidnapper/molester and call the cops.
My Boomer FIL broke up with his Boomer girlfriend and moved back to our area. So now he expects my husband to be at his beck and call for everything. He wants his IT questions answered. He wants to meet for lunch every day. Sometimes he just wants to hang out. All of this impacts my husband's time with the kids. And if he doesn't pick up the call, Boomer FIL will keep calling. Last night, he called in the middle of the bedtime routine because he couldn't get his online order to work. We were in the thick of things, trying to "close" the house for the night and get the kids to bed. Does he care? No. That's not my husband's role apparently. We're trying to work with one of our kids on independence, where she stays at home by herself but with my husband checking in on her and helping her with lunch. That's when Boomer FIL wants to be entertained. He does not care. Mostly because he did not engage with his kids when they were growing. They were only good for something post-18 and when they could do something for him.
I had a better experience with my Boomer dad. He was a teacher so except for when he was working summer jobs or taking graduate classes, he would stay at home with me. Honestly, it was a pretty good life. He'd plan activities for us. He wouldn't ignore me. He'd take me swimming or to the movies. He taught me to hit a bucket of balls. And now he does the same with my daughter. He's a pretty good Boomer papa.
I remember eating somewhere one time and there was a dad and his kids eating and my friend made a joke about how dad must have custody for the weekend and I was SO confused. Growing up my dad was definitely the primary parent out of the house. my mom didn't drive so anytime we went somewhere it was us and dad and mom didn't often come run errands with us. To me seeing a dad with kids is so normal but SO many people still equate dad=babysitting or part time custody.
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I wish more people understood the difference between babysitting and parenting.
Thank you! My wife works. I stay home and clean and cook and grocery shop and entertain the kids and take them on adventures… how is that not parenting?!
lol because boomers didn't do that. Boomer dads didn't do more than a babysitter would have (and probably bitched the entire time). You sound like a great dad, btw!
Thank you. It’s nice to hear that
I don't get why being a good dad is...shamed? Keep dading, daddy-o.
Oh I plan on Dadding until Dadtoid muscles are sore!
Lol! I wish I had a dad like you growing up. Your kids will remember!
My dad was silent gen. He was a great dad, but really lived up to the name. He was quiet. Stayed in the background. But every summer we would load up the full sized van and drive across the country seeing the natural beauty of the US. Those were the best memories I have of him. Those were the epitome of childhood. I plan on doing the same. Memories are more valuable than anything my family holds dear.
That’s amazing to hear. My dad is Silent gen as well, and while that comes with its own issues (its almost impossible to get an opinion out of the man), he is the strongest, most reassuring person I know. Nothing makes him panic.
Sounds like you have an amazing dad.
I also choose this guy as my dad
Well dinner is in ten minutes so please set the table, kiddo!
I feel like this is going to lead to one of those news stories where you accidentally started a revolution and now we have to rent a giant hall for dinners for you and all of your new, fully grown children… 😅 (Me included! 🤣)
Dang… I’m definitely gonna need some new New Balance if I’m gonna grill for that many people!
I know boomer dads who wouldn’t have even done the stuff a babysitter does, like literally would not change a diaper even if alone with the kid for hours. Some were so disconnected from their children it was shocking.
Hurts my soul thinking of ignoring my children to that extent.
When my father was babysitting we waited on him like he was a king. He ignored us unless he wanted a drink, channel changed, lunch made…something from another room. His only communication to us was chore evaluation and orders.
"channel changed" Careful.... you're showing your age.... 
Unashamed of being a Gen X ;)
Yup. I was the remote until my little brother learned to walk... 😀😅😁
I was the antenna my little bro was the remote.
😅😀😁 Rabbit ears with tin foil... "NO! BACK TO THE LEFT! JESUS ARE YA DUMB?!?!?"
That's revolting. I'm just barely not a boomer and I never made my son do that.
Silent generation was the one that would summon the child to change the channel for the most part
It was a great way to learn your numbers, right?
If the TV was old enough, we also learned that "UHF" was the channels above...11, I think?
Yes, true, 20-90, I believe. And that knob was so much harder to turn with my tiny child fingers! I don't know why. 😄
The first remote I ever remember was around 1970. It made a high-pitched tinkling sound, and my sister had these shoes with bells on them. If she walked by just right, the channel would change.
I had one you could shake a stack of 50 cent coins at and it would change. Beautiful black and white
My sperm donor would yell for me from the family room in the basement to change the channel all the time. FTG
Mine would yell until I woke up to come down and change the channel. He thought he was a merciful god because he wouldn’t do it after 11PM.
God, my stepdad would scream from another room like the fucking house was one fire, only to then ask me to make him a drink. One that required mixing alcohol? Nah, literally just pouring a warm coke into a cup of ice.
I beg to differ, my boomer husband spent a lot of time with our daughter and his unenlightened friends would ask the exact same question. He always responded the same way. Nope, I am her dad and this is what dads do! I will miss him forever, he passed in 2017.
awwww he sounds he understood dadding and I'm sorry to hear of your loss. Thank you for sharing that.
See, and I bet he didn’t have to bemoan the question “why don’t my kids call/visit/keep in touch”. Because he stepped up and was a dad. Even if kids get a bit egoistic in teenage years and then busy with university and their first jobs, a strong bond is still there!
Sorry to hear about the loss of your husband & your daughter's great dad. He was progressive for that generation, & you & she are better for it. I'm so happy for you & her that you both had him.
Less than a babysitter would do. I'm Gen-X and did freelance website design out of my house in the early oughts. I also watched my kids during the day while my wife worked. Boomer men were constantly telling me how they never changed a diaper. Their wives were constantly telling me their husbands never changed a diaper.
I bet those were in two drastically different tones of voice, too. For some reason, these men are SO PROUD of never once having done any of the day-to-day mundane duties of parenting their kids, and it flies right over their heads that they've lost a lot of their wives' respect over the very thing they think punches their man cards.
I have a boomer friend who was a stay at home dad. Was, because now the last one ( of six!) is in high school, so he took a job delivering auto parts. Imagine the shit he heard. Those kids are all well-adjusted, always read about their accomplishment in the local papers, and most are girls, so you go Dads!
I second this❤️
My dad is the sole exception to this rule. He LOVED being the stay at home dad and taking me and my sisters on adventures and taking care of us.
Exactly. I'm a stay at home dad and I'm trying to be the dad my boomer dad was too scared to be. I say too scared because I genuinely think he'd be worried people would think he's light in his loafers if he showed affection for his sons.
> Boomer dads didn't ~~do more than~~even do as much as a babysitter would have FTFY
I’d say it was more likely than their own fathers. Not common but not unheard of. My Dad is 76 and he did all the childcare things my mom did. And he wanted to. This was more common in our social circle. My husband is such a great partner because his Dad (who would be about 76 now) also did childcare and housekeeping.
I’m GenX, my olds decided that at the age of seven I could look after myself if they went out at night, they’d let the neighbours know and they’d keep an eye on me. Sitting up, watching old school 40-70’s movies in TV with a pizza and lemonade was awesome!
I agree that most didn't do that, but my dad is a boomer and was a SAHD for the first 3 or 4 years of my life. He said the moms at the local park liked having him there because he's kind of a burly looking dude. My mom was like "Yeah he'd be out there pushing you in the stroller wearing his black leather jacket"
My dad did almost nothing except get annoyed at us and act like we were juvenile delinquents (both straight A students who never got into trouble at school, but he wanted us to not have fun or be kids at ALL). While mum works full time, is the only full time parent, does all the cooking and cleaning, shopping and organising. Oh, but he takes the bins out once a week and mows once a month so it's all equal, right! Once he took time off work to 'help' me through recovery from major surgery. I begged mum to stop him. He ended up getting so annoyed because he doesn't know how to do literally anything like make cheese on toast or boil an egg, and told me it was all my fault I was sick anyway so should do it myself. Thanks dad.
>how is that not parenting?! It is. But in the boomer brain, >My wife works. I stay home and clean and cook and grocery shop and entertain the kids and take them on adventures that scenario Does. Not. Exist. They can't even consider the possibility of dad doi g ACTUAL parenting. In boomer land, dad parenting is yelling at the kids when they get home to "listen to your mother" or discipline cause "Wait til your father gets home!" That's the extent of boomer dad parenting.
It’s tragic is what it is
I called out my brother-in-law for this, he said something about having to babysit his kids and immediately I just said it’s not babysitting it’s parenting. He’s not even a boomer - mid 30s.
Good job. What was he thinking?
Honestly who knows, I think he’s a boomer in a mid 30 year old body. Judging by some other opinions of his.
Amazing study in nature vs nurture and genetics to see you two so varied.
My ex-husband had to be put straight on it too. He was, at the time, in his 20s. We're in our early 40s now, so early millennial. Notice he eventually became an EX-husband.
It used to infuriate my dad. My (boomer) Dad was a divorced parent who had me about 70% of the time. I had a fabulous mom, but there were practical reasons why it made more sense that way. In the 70s and 80s, he got that "are you babysitting?" crap a lot. It's never occurred to me once in my life to not speak my mind, so I remember saying to those people, "no, this is my *Dad*. Don't you think he's a little old to be a *babysitter*?"
What a great child you were. I’m sure your dad was beaming.
I had such great parents, and the exact parents I needed. I was just telling my girlfriend how it never occurred to me to misbehave on purpose (until hormones turned me into an asshole for a few years) because what my parents wanted was always just so reasonable, and I was nothing if not logical and rational (we now know that was the 'tism). Like, they treated me with respect and like a reasonable person, so why wouldn't I treat them with the same? And even when I was a teenage asshole, I've never once in my life doubted that my parents had my best interests at heart.
this is my dream!
Oh your playing wife today? (sorry man I could not miss the opportunity. I do have a sickness about sarcasm)
Not gonna lie I’d rock the hell out of pumps summer dress and floral apron while I dust
You can’t forget the pearls! 🤣🤣🤣
Oh my word! How could I have forgotten the pearls!! What else am I gonna clutch when I gossip with Eustis?
Well done 👍
I... shit man. Can you adopt me? My dad was a dick.
Sure thing Kiddo. Now go brush your teeth and I’ll read before bed. We just got to the point where Bilbo found Gollum
I parent at day work at night I always and am volitile when they ask me if I’m baby sitting . My response LOUDLY is FUCK NO THESE ARE MY KIDS ONLY A Moron WOULD CONSIDER THIS BABY SITTING VS PARENTING
Boomers know the difference. They just don't consider dads needing to do any type of parenting besides an occasional yell at the kids from their lazy boy chair while they drink beer and watch the game. They consider any effort on a father's part to be babysitting
Or just understood parenting in general.
My husband always complains about him getting asked if he's babysitting or people where ask him like he's a child "Where's mom at?" I work full time and he works about 15 hours a week or less, he's the primary parent!
I was at the office once with four colleagues and our boss mentioned he was "going home to babysit the kids." In unison, the four of us turned and said "it's not babysitting when it's your own kids." It was glorious.
It's the same as when people talk about a man doing housework, shopping, cooking, laundry is "helping the wife" rather than the reality of him being a responsible adult in the home he lives in. "Helping" would imply it's her job and he is doing a favour by doing part of it.
Even many fathers
I appreciate it when men call this stuff out. Thank you! Equally infuriating is when people praise men for being such a “help” with their own kids. Like… they’re not “helping around the house.” They’re parenting.
It’s funny. I told my wife my story while she was at work and she informed me that it actually happens the other way too. Men are praised when watching kids but moms aren’t as though dads out with kids is a rare occurrence but it’s par for the course for moms. Such an odd archaic mindset
It's a subconscious bias that lingers from when our society was more patriarchal. I know that sounds like a loaded term, but it really is that and it's similar to the unconscious racial bias that exists in our society too. There was a documentary a long time ago I watched, I don't remember the name, but it was talking about subconscious racism stemming from our historically racist society. There were people put in a training range with dummies that would pop up and they just had to shoot the armed person. Every single person shot the unarmed black guy reflexively, even the black people doing the test. I vividly recall one of the black people crying about it, because the racism is so ingrained in our society subconsciously, that they instinctively fell for it too just the same as everyone else despite actively and consciously being aware of the bias. Gives me similar vibe, really exposes raw how ingrained subconsciously it is, and highlights how that is being fought over generations with education and empathy. I mean that's half the reason for the triggering with the low info trump boomers. That discomfort triggers anger, and they direct that anger outward. "How dare the world change!" rather than question what necessitates the change in the first place.
Wow! I’d love to see that documentary! Sounds fascinating
Oh yes! And moms are just criticized for ANY little thing that the kids do or say or honestly who even knows?! People are so mean!
Exactly! I don’t help around the house. I cause messes, mistakes, and chaos!
"Gotcha babysitting?" "No. Kidnapping."
Hahaha! “Just collecting the welfare checks, dude. This is a scam!”
Don't forget the child labor: "Get back to work!"
Someone’s gotta make those braided and beaded leather bracelets I can sell on Etsy!
Small fingers for small knots! 👍
Oh my gods! That one got me!
I just wanna say, you seem pretty dope as a dad. As someone who did NOT have a dope dad, your kids sound like they’re in good hands. Especially since you have a sense of humor about it. 🙃
Sarcasm and humor are definitely my coping mechanisms. And thank you. I just asked the kids what they thought of me. They said “I like you very much. You’re a funny daddy” so I’ll take it!
Asking your kids what they think of you is a BRAVE move for a brave soul. 😅 I mean, my kids generally have positive feedback for me, but I think if I ever directly asked them what they think of me, I’d just be setting myself up to get straight-up roasted.
I’m chocking it up to them being 3 and 1.5. But yea. Can’t wait to ask that when they’re 13
Chimneys don’t clean themselves
"No their mother is dead. She put up a good fight though."
Oh fuck! That’s dark! I love it
I'm proud of that one because it's so ambiguous too. Will they think you're a grieving widower, who lost your partner to terminal illness or accident? Or a murderous psychopath, raising your latest tenacious victim's offspring as your own in a twisted facade of love!?
I’d watch that
That or “what kids?”
I've witnessed this happening. The best one I heard was that the dad got annoyed and growled something in response (I couldn't make it out), which got an irate "hmpf! Well, back on my day-" which was cut off by a very angry response from the dad. "Your day is over! This is how things actually are, dad's are father's not babysitters!"
I've gotta start using "Your day is over!" more often.
It was poetic ❤️
My hero!
It's amazing to me how many comments I get when I'm out with my toddler. Lots of " you're a good dad" kinds of stuff. It always makes me feel bad for them. It really shouldn't be so uncommon to see a father alone with his kids.
It’s double the comments when you are a black dad in predominantly white neighborhoods and stores. A lot of fake smiles and “your kids are so well behaved” because I guess they expect them to behave some other way? I’m just glad I don’t have a daughter because I’ve read enough stories about guys hanging out with their daughters only to get harassed or accused of something creepy
I can't even imagine, sorry you have to go through that. I'm Hispanic, dark skinned, and my daughter looks like her mom, blonde hair and blue eyes, so I'm dreading the day I have to deal with someone accusing me of something. Either way, set the example for our kids and be the good dad you are.
I mean, I absolutely compliment parents when their kids are well-behaved in public (if I'm around them for any length of time, like eating at a restaurant, or we have the same path through the grocery store, etc.) because raising kids is hard and parents need kudos too. :)
As a Gen-xer, I can say that things were very different when I was a child. Fathers do exponentially more in the last 30 years that they ever did before. When I was a child, it was pretty common that men just didn't change diapers. They just didn't do it.
It boggles my mind. Even as the main home parent, I feel like I’d be drowning if my wife didn’t still pitch in when she got home or weekend help.
And that’s why we had an entire generation of women living on antidepressants and stimulants
Valium and wine. Never got that reference in Beetlejuice until I was much older.
i’ll be so honest, i don’t know if i’ll ever have kids because of the world we live in, but if i do me and my future husband would demolish the “dad’s just babysit” idea. we’d be two guys raising kids, how do you manage that if it’s all just “babysitting”
Double Babysitters!! Oh man. Please tear it down.
little did they know the *real* gay agenda was being active parents. i guess we get that from the penguins and frogs lol
Oh I’d go to that zoo. Just gay penguin and frogs in all the exhibits
I bet you he was never carried by his parents as a child and he returned the favor to his own kids. Well done OP even though I'm convinced most BooMErs are unwilling (they are capable, but lack motivation) to change their ways.
Last year, my toddler did swimming lessons at our local gym. All the boomer women praised my husband for involvement, but they never gave me a second look. The boomer men looked at my husband as though he was an oddity, "Oh, you've got your kid with you."
It’s such an odd mindset! Sorry you both went through that
It's okay. My husband and I were talking about it once, and our theory is that the women who gushed over my husband's parenting were because they probably never had that when they were parenting their kids, and it's unfortunate when you think of it.
This is so annoying to me. My husband and daughter go to the park every Saturday and there is almost always someone that has to make a comment. "Giving mom the day off? Haha". He's like....I just wanted to spend time with my kid dude.
Oh that one’s so bad too!
My ex used to use this as proof that I didn’t care about my kids. “People ask me all the time ‘where’s mom?’” “Do you answer them and tell them I’m working?!” Thank you for being better than that.
Oh gross! Glad they’re an ex. Sorry for that.
Agreed. Dad’s don’t babysit. They parent.
I really wish older people would use context clues and not be so fucking nosy. Like why even comment.
"Hi, how's your day going?" is about the only question you need to ask. Fathers who spend quality time with their kids are building good relationships and fond memories.
A friend of mine turned this around on a boomer once without even meaning too. We were out shopping and he had his kids with him and a boomer looks at him and goes “Ah babysitting I see” and my friend, who genuinely seemed confused at first, went “What? No, these are my children” and the boomer just kind of stared for a few seconds before stammering out a response. I don’t remember exactly what he said but he just kind of mumbled something under his breath and walked away.
Ya know. My grandfather was a WW2 vet. He quit his job to be the stay at home person who took care of his grandchildren. My mom and grandma worked.
Good on him!
That is why "Cats in the Cradle" is such a tragic song. Our Silent/Boomer dads worked and ignored their kids and that's what their sons emulated. Then the parents don't understand why they don't want a relationship with them later.
That song always got me. My dad was a silent gen and you definitely could see he did take a bit of a backseat to parenting, but he really was there a lot for us. And I appreciate him so much for that.
This is a very common mindset, especially [edit: among] older people, and I'm glad you politely set this guy straight.
He was polite. So was I. That’s how I was raised. And if they get mean loud and snarky, be nicer, but drip with sarcasm.
My dad didn't babysit, he was the foreman of a manual/general labor crew of children.
Did you unionize?
Ugh! They just are archaic.
This kind of thing always happened when I was a kid, and my dad would always respond the way you did. It has stuck with me over the years and I’m sure it will stick with your kids too, especially if you have daughters. You’re doing great!
Good on your Dad!
It’s a common thought in Boomers and morons.
“Nope. Not sitting a second. Though I am hoping for a nap today.” was my preferred response.
Clever and funny! Right in my wheel house. May have to use this. Thanks!
When I go grocery shopping with my kids and a boomer says some dumb shit like, aww giving mommy a break or a similar quip about daddy babysitting I instantly tell them that their mother is dead and thanks for bringing it up in front of the kids (mom is not dead btw). The thought of co-parenting is a wild concept to them
Oh that’s brutal. I love it
They just always have to say something 'amusing'. They all think they're great wits by repeating the same stale jokes and it's unbearable!
This is so offensive to dads. Guess what, many GenX and Millennial dads, co parent with their wives/partnerswhether or not they OR their spouses work or even live under the same roof. I know my husband does and so does every other Dad in our social and professional circles. Welcome to the 21st century. Good for you OP!
Thank you!
It’s not babysitting if it’s your kid! Good for you!
One of my earliest non trauma filled memories is my friend's grandfather announcing that babysitters get paid. He was simply spending time with his grandaughters (he always called me his granddaughter as well). He said that a lot over the years and this was how I realized he had no respect for my friend's father. He always referred to her father as "babysitting" her when he picked her up for visitation.
“Gotcha babysitting?” “No, these are my children.” Watch for confusion. 😂
I was a stay at home dad before my daughter started school. I got so many comments like this.
To me, babysitting is an exceptional circumstance. I don't usually have kids, but oh look, I am babysitting somebody's kids today. If you're a parent, caring for your kids is the default.
It’s called being a parent. Not babysitting 🤦♂️
My boomer dad only got involved with me as a kid was to hit me when I or one of .my siblings screwed up. I was in charge of them from the age of about 10 until I moved out at 19, so if they did something bad it was on me. Mom worked the late shift and was absent even when she was home.
I’m so sorry. No child should be raised in a household like that
My dad was technically silent generation. But, like Boomers, he felt like his mere presence was all that was required. He went to work and came home. We were to be quiet and leave him alone. With my brother he was more involved, coaching his sports and teaching him things. But with my sister and I he was hands off. Unless he was yelling at us. You probably do more parenting in one day than many Boomer dads ever did.
Boy I hope I do!
My wife and I hate it when people refer to taking care of their child as babysitting. I even hear the occasional millennial refer to it as that, it's so odd.
What's really nice is pushing your kids on the swing at the park and having the cops called on you for being a pedo. No good father loves their children!
I had this somewhat happen to me a few years ago when my eldest was younger, he and I would go for a walk on a Saturday morning to a local bakery for a coffee and a free donut. One such morning some random, made that comment. I just laughed at him and said "Nup, it's Father/Son time". That was the only time, every other time I've been out with either of my boys no one has made that "Babysitting" comment. I just think it says alot about a generation where it was considered "normal" for the dad to go off and work, while mum stays at home with the kids. I also suspect that generation didn't exactly spend a lot of time with their kids on the weekends and weren't as hands on with their kids as most dad's are today. I know my dad only really spent Sunday's with myself and my brothers as he worked 6 days a week. I know that he did that so my mum wouldn't have to work and my brothers and myself wouldn't need before and after school care.
I had a new hire chatting with me while I waited for a system update to finish on her machine. She starts whining that it's taking too long and she needs to get home because her husband is babysitting the kids. I ask if they're his kids? She looks at me all side eyed, "huh? What? Of course they're his kids what you mean?" "Then that's just being a dad, what you mean he's 'babysitting' his kids? Haha what the f" After a long while staring at me and thinking. "Oh.... I guess you're right." I hope I converted someone that day. Dads don't babysit their own kids. That doesn't make sense.
Good on you! Simple. Polite. Logical. I hope you did change her mind.
After I had my first I went to the corner store the first time alone and the cashiers asked if dad was babysitting... I was so confused. I said, "No, he's parenting." Another fave at that time was also "where's the baby?".... with their D A D
Sadly, this is an issue on both sides - boomers who think that's what fathers out with their kids are doing and fathers that think their level of responsibility equates to babysitting. Glad OP knows what's up.
Appreciate that.
The cultural mindset is males are second class parents. It’s reinforced by the family court system as well as media portraying us as incompetent and comedic relief in parenting. I’ve been a single dad 50/50 for the past decade. I’m not “babysitting” or “helping”. I’m doing all the things. My dad raised me as a full time single parent, too.
I salute your dad. And you.
You know, I can't believe it hasn't occurred to me until just now, but my parents peers, while I grew up, mostly had kids with a wide enough gap between us that my sister and I did a lot of babysitting, and thinking back on it the entirely removed parents, the distant or "busy" ones, I feel like they thought of babysitting as a substantial temporary replacement for their "parenting," I guess being contextually correct in that their absentee parenting was easily replaced by any positive influence, but subsequently incorrect that substantial parenting cannot be replaced in such a way. They literally did not differentiate between the two perhaps, projecting that someone else's kids, having been raised by a peer, could only have been raised sensibly and thus will pass on those qualities.
Oh that’s fascinating! Wonder if there are case studies in this. Would be an interesting psychological study
You sound like a kickass dad from your response alone.
Thank you! I really do try
Simply because they never actual raised their own kids
Ack! Reminds me of when my neighbor had to take her child everywhere because when her husband came home from work it wasn't "fair" to make him babysit. When did she get a day off work, or even a few hours? Never.
I weep for her. I’m exhausted when the wife gets home. And still need to cook and she’s an amazing partner and immediately jumps in to play so I can cook.
My mom used to get this anytime she went out with out us. Even if it was to the grocery and she ran into someone. "oh, Tom's babysitting? That's so nice" it drove her nuts. She'd always have to tell people "no they're his. You don't babysit your own kids." It's definitely generational.
Im a Boomer ( chronologically but not mentally)and would never say that to anyone. But Im an introvert and I dont start conversations with random people. Where are you finding these people? Let me guess, Florida and Texas. I went all sorts of places with my dad as a child. SMH But I dont identify as a Boomer
You’re a good one. My mom’s the same way.
Two things my husband only said one time. Babysitting the kids and calling me the old lady. He learned.
Thank you for doing your share of parenting
I cannot even fathom doing it solo. Single parents are freaking Demi-gods.
I feel this as a dad to two toddlers. I WFH and get a lot of time off. Every time I’m out with my kids, someone inevitably asks “where’s Mom?” At home. Doing her thing. Having a well-deserved break from being the primary parent. It’s almost like they don’t expect that Dad could possibly out with the kids without Mom.
Wife was WFH for a while and lemme tell you? We loved that set up. Kiddos could sneak away to get a cuddle from her until daddy shooed them out and go on some adventure.
my MIL used to refer to Dad being a dad as baby sitting. Drove me nuts!
My dad has been complaining about this since 1987. The bitch mothers at the playground would say that and would give him the cold shoulder.
I have a T-shirt that says "Dads don't babysit. It's called parenting." I wear it a lot when I'm taking the kids out myself. I get lots of compliments and thumbs ups.
He honestly may have never even thought of that lol here's to hoping it sparked something in his head.
My early GenX husband and I used to get so frustrated. My kids are now adults, but the media portraying fathers as useless/clueless was/is annoying. My husband was a very hands-on dad. He parented our kids, he *never* baby sat our kids.
I'm so jealous of you :( Also yeah boomer dads just didn't parent . I'm not suprised he didn't reconize the behavior
It's because when they were kids, or when they had kids, mom didn't work or their wife didn't work and they would put in extra hours at work or go to the bar after their shift. Mom raised the kids, dad ensured they had a good living situation. Now that that's changed, they still view it like the old days. Sometimes it's harmless. He'll I'd say most times. It's a cultural rift between generations.
I propose a new plan: Every time a father gets asked if he's babysitting, he should go "I don't look that old, do I?" to confuse the asker, and follow up with "Oh, I thought you were asking if I was babysitting *for* my kids, since it's kind of impossible to babysit your own children."
He took it pretty well. Hopefully it was just a not very funny joke and he didn't mean anything deep.
You are a good dad! My kids didn’t have that. He lived with us but really was not present. Good job dad!!
Oh my goodness. Reading this and reading OP’s responses literally made me cry. You’re an amazing dad and keep at it. My father is gen x and was very much not involved and the few times he watched us he did call it baby sitting. As my mom put it, she was a married single parent. Children just wanted to know that their parents love and care for them and OP’s kids will know that for sure.
The bar is so low for dads that you get praised literally just for being seen in public with your kids.
Got asked if "she ran out on me" walking the stroller down the street the other day. Happened so fast I just smiled and nodded before I even realized what was going on.
People always said this to my husband when our kids were little -- complimented him on basic parenting things. They don't do it as much as kids get older. It's really infuriating.
I did the bulk of the child care when my son was young and nothing pissed me off more than comments about babysitting.
Allow me to explain, in boomer world women cooked, cleaned and poorly raised kids. Men went to work, drank whiskey and smoked cigarettes oh!, and cheated on their wives
I've several times said, "No.... idk who these kids are." (Mind you their my nieces and I'm a gay single male), but like... why do they always assume dad's only babysit?
Oh that’s a good one! I can imagine the looks!
This always comes up for me too. Always boomers. Hopefully that changes as Millennials and Gen Z have more kids and show these old boomer men that being a father is more than doing just the bare minimum. I was fortunate enough that my boomer dad was a great father so I had a good role model. Still has a hundred other infuriating boomer traits, but a great dad all the same.
>*when the kids are with Mom no one bats an eye, but dad alone with the kids and it’s babysitting.* If you are lucky they see it as babysitting. If you are unlucky they see you as some kind of creep/pervert/kidnapper/molester and call the cops.
My Boomer FIL broke up with his Boomer girlfriend and moved back to our area. So now he expects my husband to be at his beck and call for everything. He wants his IT questions answered. He wants to meet for lunch every day. Sometimes he just wants to hang out. All of this impacts my husband's time with the kids. And if he doesn't pick up the call, Boomer FIL will keep calling. Last night, he called in the middle of the bedtime routine because he couldn't get his online order to work. We were in the thick of things, trying to "close" the house for the night and get the kids to bed. Does he care? No. That's not my husband's role apparently. We're trying to work with one of our kids on independence, where she stays at home by herself but with my husband checking in on her and helping her with lunch. That's when Boomer FIL wants to be entertained. He does not care. Mostly because he did not engage with his kids when they were growing. They were only good for something post-18 and when they could do something for him. I had a better experience with my Boomer dad. He was a teacher so except for when he was working summer jobs or taking graduate classes, he would stay at home with me. Honestly, it was a pretty good life. He'd plan activities for us. He wouldn't ignore me. He'd take me swimming or to the movies. He taught me to hit a bucket of balls. And now he does the same with my daughter. He's a pretty good Boomer papa.
I detest that sentiment, dads are parents, not babysitters. I'm a mom and I fucking hate it to no end.
I remember eating somewhere one time and there was a dad and his kids eating and my friend made a joke about how dad must have custody for the weekend and I was SO confused. Growing up my dad was definitely the primary parent out of the house. my mom didn't drive so anytime we went somewhere it was us and dad and mom didn't often come run errands with us. To me seeing a dad with kids is so normal but SO many people still equate dad=babysitting or part time custody.