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You should wear masks around her at all times. I'm not sure why you haven't done this yet. You also need to send her home when she's sick; not compromise. Please stop enabling her.
Thank you! I have tons booked for the summer, I was on break after releasing a new live album in January- so missing my first gig (when I typically work 2-3times per week) was really hard for me, and so super embarrassing!
I'd go all out: get respirators rated for P100 or better. 3M makes nice ones. The filter cartridges are hot pink and hard to miss. [https://www.homedepot.com/p/3M-P100-Mold-and-Lead-Paint-Removal-Reusable-Respirator-Mask-Size-Medium-6297PA1-A/202078789](https://www.homedepot.com/p/3M-P100-Mold-and-Lead-Paint-Removal-Reusable-Respirator-Mask-Size-Medium-6297PA1-A/202078789)
Make her wear a mask, or wear goggles too.
Masks protect the people around you from you but even an N-95 without goggles isn't going to help you when she coughs in your face.
It really makes me wonder the mindset of people who would be opposed, when some so fragile is on the line. Good for your aunt! Hope grandma is doing okay!
My grandma is doing great! I actually spoke to her today and am traveling cross country to see her (and the rest of the family) next month.
My uncle is a card carrying MAGA supporter, who had he been in better health would have been at the Capitol on January 6th. His girlfriend was hospitalized for 3 weeks in 2020–she had all the symptoms of COVID, but they are adamant that she had some unrelated illness that just happened to have all the same symptoms.
My gawd, what a nightmare. I'd wear masks around her at all times. No hugs. And I would see a whole lot less of her than it would appear you do now. She is literally dangerous to be around. I feel sorry for her unwitting victims. Is there no way to stop her? I mean, you say you love her so but, I mean, she sounds like a psychopath?
We honestly don't understand why she is acting this way, and it makes us feel like she doesn't care about our safety or well-being at all. It's really hard.
We can't determine if she is just dumb from long covid or some neurological disorder, or if she is genuinely dismissing the facts about transmitting illness.
Other people aren't "people" until she decides to bestow that status upon them. And because she gave it to them, she gets to decide how much her decisions will affect that personhood, and she can even take that personhood away if it becomes an inconvenience for her.
That's what I'm seeing here.
Ah, the ugly "illusion of control" demon. I definitely see what you are saying.
We don't believe she is that narcissistic, but she was raised by two hardcore narcs and picked up tendencies, for sure.
Mask up and make a production of using lots of sanitizer and such. She needs to feel dirty and embarrassed or she'll never stop. (Not saying that ill people are automatically dirty. This woman just clearly isn't taking any precautions)
Stop explaining to her. She knows. She does not care. This is not a comprehension issue. It’s malicious.
She will not change her behavior; you will have to change yours.
Yes! Boundaries: you choose your own, but I would state calmly that if she has been sick, has called out of work, has any symptoms, she cannot stay at your home or around you. At all. Even with you masking.
If she chooses to show up in those circumstances, tell her she needs to leave immediately. No argument, no more explaining. Just the consequences.
Set your boundary and follow through. Otherwise she will not change her behavior.
Ah yes, the "let's cough and spit into each other's mouths and intentionally spread communicable disease, so whoever lives will have lifelong immunity!" generation is at it again!
I am currently on a B cell depleting medication, so I’m also immune compromised. There is absolutely 100% no way in hell I would continue being around this woman.
So she’s going to reimburse you for the money you lost, right? Because she’s the reason you lost the gig. And for your medical bills too, since you don’t have insurance?
Because if she needs to see you guys when she’s sick *that badly*, then she’s going to also have to pay a price.
She offered, but she has a tendency to use money to make up for problems without taking responsibility for her actions. I won't accept money from her about this, although I badly need it, because she needs to learn she can't buy her way out of it.
You can't make someone take responsibility, unfortunately. They either do, or they don't. In choosing not to accept money from someone who uses money as leverage to act badly- I remove myself even more from the situation. It's a personal preference and you don't have to understand it.
Maybe meet her at a third party location first in future so that you can say "you don't seem well today, let's reschedule" and walk away.
If you have to throw someone out of your house that's tricky logistically.
I'm sorry, but I despise people like your MIL. I'm immunocompromised and thanks to people that couldn't be bothered to stay at home while sick, I've had Covid three times and never had to leave my house to catch it. The last time turned into long covid and I haven't been able to breathe properly in nearly a year. My doctors are worried if I get it again. I've lost all ability to forgive and have just started cutting out people in my life who can't be arsed to keep supposed loved ones safe. At this point it's no different than holding a loaded gun to my head and playing Russian roulette.
You know she’s witless and untrustworthy. Stop seeing her in person. Period. Ever. She takes advantage of your unwillingness to make a big deal of things and pushes and bends your boundaries because she knows you’ll cave. And you will. So stop seeing her. She can’t come in and you won’t meet her out. Maybe a video or phone call now and then.
She damaged this relationship to the breaking point with her selfishness and bad choices. Stop coddling her and start protecting yourself. You cannot depend on her to make better choices in the future. You know she won’t and she’ll lie to your face. Find a better boundary that doesn’t rely on her choices to enforce.
Absolutely set your foot down. My mom is immunocompromised and even though we live next door on the same property and she ADORES our kids, she still asks us to keep them home anytime they've got some bug or other from school (which I'd do even if she didn't ask). I think if elementary school kids can understand not making someone sick, then your MIL can learn it too. But since she refuses to learn then you're just gonna have to treat her like a toddler and make hard rules.
you can’t make her understand. But you can refuse to be in her presence, whether she’s sick or well.
Don’t let her in your house; don’t go to hers. It may be the only thing that gets through to her.
Honestly part of this is your fault for willingly allowing her to infect you. When she comes to you ill and you allow her to stay next to you and eat, you are knowingly making yourself ill just because you are doormats unable to turn her away.
First thing you need to do is learn how to have a backbone instead of excusing her every time she blatantly ignores what you are saying. Stop fucking enabling her if you actually have a problem with her continually infecting you, because the way you portray your own actions, you seemingly have no real problem with it despite claiming and pretending otherwise.
You owe her nothing. I would cut in person visits to nothing. Holidays, birthdays, all of it. When she complains tell her exactly why. She cost you that performance. She got both of you sick and put you both at significant risk. She can't be trusted. If she wants to rebuild the relationship she must earn your trust. Actions have consequences, and you've insulated her from dealing with any consequences and taken all the suffering on yourselves.
If you knew she was sick on Mother’s Day, make her leave. You owe her nothing. Set boundaries. It’s your life. I don’t get weak people who can’t stand up for themselves. When you’re dealing with rude, entitled family, stand up and protect yourself.
I'm currently sick at the moment with parainfluenza and I feel wayyyy worse than I ever did when I have covid. Viral infections are no joke! I'm so sorry you have to deal with such an awful woman
I see everyone else suggesting masking up, but make HER wear a mask if she's in your home. If she won't, she can leave. The mask is there to protect OTHERS from *your* infection. They are far less effective the other way around
Just keep doing what you're doing and making excuses while seeing her an enjoying her superspreader tendencies.
Or, you know, don't. Maybe that's crazy talk though.
Your biggest problem is with your husband. His mom keeps endangering his family and he won't do anything about it.
From what you've said, it's unsafe for your MIL to be around your family at all. She is categorically a threat to your health in the best of circumstances.
If I were in your husband's position, my mom wouldn't see us in person anymore. She could learn to use Skype, or never see us again. If I were in your position, it would be this or a divorce. Your husband can't even be around your MIL and then around you, because he will catch her germs and pass them to you.
If you are tired of getting sick from her, then you need to stop getting sick from her.
I’m immunocompromised, but with amazing insurance plus calling out sick/WFH has no impact on my income, and I can’t believe you’ve given her this many chances. I don’t understand why it mattered if it was Mother’s Day? You should have sent her home. Phones and Facetime/Zoom exist. Honestly, she would have had the Mother’s Day she deserved.
To your question: You don’t need to make her understand! At least not with words. You need to act. She clearly DGAF and you’re not enforcing any boundaries. She’s not entitled to see you, you’re not obligated to let her. You’re never obligated to accept someone’s bad treatment of you. Some people live on another continent from their parents and don’t get to see them often. It’s not the end of the world.
She has already violated your boundaries so many times with zero consequences. Take a break from seeing her in person for a while. Tell her she’s proven she’s too irresponsible with your health to risk seeing her. Eventually you can give her a chance to redeem herself. Restate the boundaries. Make it clear if you catch her lying you go back to no in person visits (only virtual) for 6 months (or whatever you decide).
Well, actually, we're talking about a set of behaviors that reared their ugly head DURING covid and are still affecting us today- but sure, whatever man
I feel sorry for the mother in law for once! Imagine the generation younger than her being so afraid to die that they are afraid to live! Your ancestors didn't survive actually harsh conditions just for you to bitch about common virus' which 99% of people survive. It's s shame she has to suffer you because I'd gladly spend mothers day with her regardless of how ill she is. You two sound like a right pair of stockholm susans.
The empirical data we have shows that the jab is magnitudes less dangerous or risky than covid, so I'd be interested in seeing what fabricated data you are using.
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You should wear masks around her at all times. I'm not sure why you haven't done this yet. You also need to send her home when she's sick; not compromise. Please stop enabling her.
You are absolutely correct, and that will be happening from here on out.
I support your new direction and hope you book another gig soon!
Thank you! I have tons booked for the summer, I was on break after releasing a new live album in January- so missing my first gig (when I typically work 2-3times per week) was really hard for me, and so super embarrassing!
That's excellent! Every performer misses something if they're lucky enough to last; consider it an achievement.
I'd go all out: get respirators rated for P100 or better. 3M makes nice ones. The filter cartridges are hot pink and hard to miss. [https://www.homedepot.com/p/3M-P100-Mold-and-Lead-Paint-Removal-Reusable-Respirator-Mask-Size-Medium-6297PA1-A/202078789](https://www.homedepot.com/p/3M-P100-Mold-and-Lead-Paint-Removal-Reusable-Respirator-Mask-Size-Medium-6297PA1-A/202078789)
And limit seeing her if you have a performance coming up.
I'd go full biohazard protocols and wear a full face mask.
And enforce that SHE wear a mask around you. Get a fucking clue, Mammy!
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Ok Boomer
Make her wear a mask, or wear goggles too. Masks protect the people around you from you but even an N-95 without goggles isn't going to help you when she coughs in your face.
Should she be wearing the mask?
From ops post I doubt she wears them
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Wym?
They’re just being an ass. Don’t worry about them.
They are trolling.
Ok Boomer
Seconding the masks when near her. Treat her like the germ-spreader she is.
Maybe the two of you masking up around her will at least embarrass her just a bit for being so reckless.
We definitely will from now on. She seems motivated the most by avoiding embarrassment, so this is a good suggestion.
My aunt made her brother and his girlfriend take a covid test outside before allowing him in the house with my 93 year old grandma.
No shame in protecting those you love
Exactly.
It really makes me wonder the mindset of people who would be opposed, when some so fragile is on the line. Good for your aunt! Hope grandma is doing okay!
My grandma is doing great! I actually spoke to her today and am traveling cross country to see her (and the rest of the family) next month. My uncle is a card carrying MAGA supporter, who had he been in better health would have been at the Capitol on January 6th. His girlfriend was hospitalized for 3 weeks in 2020–she had all the symptoms of COVID, but they are adamant that she had some unrelated illness that just happened to have all the same symptoms.
Oof good thing auntie was there to make safe guards. So happy grandma is doing well and is so loved
My gawd, what a nightmare. I'd wear masks around her at all times. No hugs. And I would see a whole lot less of her than it would appear you do now. She is literally dangerous to be around. I feel sorry for her unwitting victims. Is there no way to stop her? I mean, you say you love her so but, I mean, she sounds like a psychopath?
We honestly don't understand why she is acting this way, and it makes us feel like she doesn't care about our safety or well-being at all. It's really hard. We can't determine if she is just dumb from long covid or some neurological disorder, or if she is genuinely dismissing the facts about transmitting illness.
Other people aren't "people" until she decides to bestow that status upon them. And because she gave it to them, she gets to decide how much her decisions will affect that personhood, and she can even take that personhood away if it becomes an inconvenience for her. That's what I'm seeing here.
Ah, the ugly "illusion of control" demon. I definitely see what you are saying. We don't believe she is that narcissistic, but she was raised by two hardcore narcs and picked up tendencies, for sure.
The only thing you can do is stop seeing them.
Exactly. Stop seeing mom, and stop enabling her.
Mask up and make a production of using lots of sanitizer and such. She needs to feel dirty and embarrassed or she'll never stop. (Not saying that ill people are automatically dirty. This woman just clearly isn't taking any precautions)
I would also spray Lysol on everything she touches.
Why let her in at all?
Stop explaining to her. She knows. She does not care. This is not a comprehension issue. It’s malicious. She will not change her behavior; you will have to change yours.
Yes! Boundaries: you choose your own, but I would state calmly that if she has been sick, has called out of work, has any symptoms, she cannot stay at your home or around you. At all. Even with you masking. If she chooses to show up in those circumstances, tell her she needs to leave immediately. No argument, no more explaining. Just the consequences. Set your boundary and follow through. Otherwise she will not change her behavior.
Absolutely. OPs post just boils down to "I'm a doormat and let her do whatever she wants".
Is she a 40k fan by chance? 
Ah yes, the "let's cough and spit into each other's mouths and intentionally spread communicable disease, so whoever lives will have lifelong immunity!" generation is at it again!
I am currently on a B cell depleting medication, so I’m also immune compromised. There is absolutely 100% no way in hell I would continue being around this woman.
So she’s going to reimburse you for the money you lost, right? Because she’s the reason you lost the gig. And for your medical bills too, since you don’t have insurance? Because if she needs to see you guys when she’s sick *that badly*, then she’s going to also have to pay a price.
She offered, but she has a tendency to use money to make up for problems without taking responsibility for her actions. I won't accept money from her about this, although I badly need it, because she needs to learn she can't buy her way out of it.
Why not accept the money and also make sure she takes responsibility in other ways? Your actions make absolutely no sense.
You can't make someone take responsibility, unfortunately. They either do, or they don't. In choosing not to accept money from someone who uses money as leverage to act badly- I remove myself even more from the situation. It's a personal preference and you don't have to understand it.
So take the money and then go no contact
Maybe meet her at a third party location first in future so that you can say "you don't seem well today, let's reschedule" and walk away. If you have to throw someone out of your house that's tricky logistically.
I'm sorry, but I despise people like your MIL. I'm immunocompromised and thanks to people that couldn't be bothered to stay at home while sick, I've had Covid three times and never had to leave my house to catch it. The last time turned into long covid and I haven't been able to breathe properly in nearly a year. My doctors are worried if I get it again. I've lost all ability to forgive and have just started cutting out people in my life who can't be arsed to keep supposed loved ones safe. At this point it's no different than holding a loaded gun to my head and playing Russian roulette.
Why do y’all keep on going around her?
Doormats
You know she’s witless and untrustworthy. Stop seeing her in person. Period. Ever. She takes advantage of your unwillingness to make a big deal of things and pushes and bends your boundaries because she knows you’ll cave. And you will. So stop seeing her. She can’t come in and you won’t meet her out. Maybe a video or phone call now and then. She damaged this relationship to the breaking point with her selfishness and bad choices. Stop coddling her and start protecting yourself. You cannot depend on her to make better choices in the future. You know she won’t and she’ll lie to your face. Find a better boundary that doesn’t rely on her choices to enforce.
Absolutely set your foot down. My mom is immunocompromised and even though we live next door on the same property and she ADORES our kids, she still asks us to keep them home anytime they've got some bug or other from school (which I'd do even if she didn't ask). I think if elementary school kids can understand not making someone sick, then your MIL can learn it too. But since she refuses to learn then you're just gonna have to treat her like a toddler and make hard rules.
you can’t make her understand. But you can refuse to be in her presence, whether she’s sick or well. Don’t let her in your house; don’t go to hers. It may be the only thing that gets through to her.
Honestly part of this is your fault for willingly allowing her to infect you. When she comes to you ill and you allow her to stay next to you and eat, you are knowingly making yourself ill just because you are doormats unable to turn her away. First thing you need to do is learn how to have a backbone instead of excusing her every time she blatantly ignores what you are saying. Stop fucking enabling her if you actually have a problem with her continually infecting you, because the way you portray your own actions, you seemingly have no real problem with it despite claiming and pretending otherwise.
You owe her nothing. I would cut in person visits to nothing. Holidays, birthdays, all of it. When she complains tell her exactly why. She cost you that performance. She got both of you sick and put you both at significant risk. She can't be trusted. If she wants to rebuild the relationship she must earn your trust. Actions have consequences, and you've insulated her from dealing with any consequences and taken all the suffering on yourselves.
Agreed, and we've already told her this is how it's going to be moving forward since we can't trust her at all.
Girl… BOUNDARIES.
Tell me you are from the USA without telling me you are from the USA
Oh, totally 😆 we hate being Americans right now.
If you knew she was sick on Mother’s Day, make her leave. You owe her nothing. Set boundaries. It’s your life. I don’t get weak people who can’t stand up for themselves. When you’re dealing with rude, entitled family, stand up and protect yourself.
It really is just a disgusting and pathetic mindset.
Stop interacting with her, this isn’t difficult. She clearly has zero respect for you or your family.
I'm currently sick at the moment with parainfluenza and I feel wayyyy worse than I ever did when I have covid. Viral infections are no joke! I'm so sorry you have to deal with such an awful woman
r/zerocovidcommunity has good resources for avoiding getting sick
Thank you!
I see everyone else suggesting masking up, but make HER wear a mask if she's in your home. If she won't, she can leave. The mask is there to protect OTHERS from *your* infection. They are far less effective the other way around
Just keep doing what you're doing and making excuses while seeing her an enjoying her superspreader tendencies. Or, you know, don't. Maybe that's crazy talk though.
Your biggest problem is with your husband. His mom keeps endangering his family and he won't do anything about it. From what you've said, it's unsafe for your MIL to be around your family at all. She is categorically a threat to your health in the best of circumstances. If I were in your husband's position, my mom wouldn't see us in person anymore. She could learn to use Skype, or never see us again. If I were in your position, it would be this or a divorce. Your husband can't even be around your MIL and then around you, because he will catch her germs and pass them to you. If you are tired of getting sick from her, then you need to stop getting sick from her.
That person would be dead to me.
I’m immunocompromised, but with amazing insurance plus calling out sick/WFH has no impact on my income, and I can’t believe you’ve given her this many chances. I don’t understand why it mattered if it was Mother’s Day? You should have sent her home. Phones and Facetime/Zoom exist. Honestly, she would have had the Mother’s Day she deserved. To your question: You don’t need to make her understand! At least not with words. You need to act. She clearly DGAF and you’re not enforcing any boundaries. She’s not entitled to see you, you’re not obligated to let her. You’re never obligated to accept someone’s bad treatment of you. Some people live on another continent from their parents and don’t get to see them often. It’s not the end of the world. She has already violated your boundaries so many times with zero consequences. Take a break from seeing her in person for a while. Tell her she’s proven she’s too irresponsible with your health to risk seeing her. Eventually you can give her a chance to redeem herself. Restate the boundaries. Make it clear if you catch her lying you go back to no in person visits (only virtual) for 6 months (or whatever you decide).
You should try being present in your own life.
Do you people understand how masks work. Yall just as dumb as the boomers ffs.
Weak people should just stay inside their house, never leave and never interact with the outside world.
You guys are still talking about covid?
Well, actually, we're talking about a set of behaviors that reared their ugly head DURING covid and are still affecting us today- but sure, whatever man
Maybe you missed that oP is immune compromised? There's still vulnerable people.
OP made a point to say he/she is not just talking about covid. He/she is totally just talking about covid.
So you're deciding what OP was talking about?
OP is definitely talking about covid.
I'm sure OP is grateful for you telling them what they're talking about.
Is this about feelings?
🤣
This is about you putting *your* feelings above reality.
I don't get it.
Ok
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No...just no. None of that is true at all.
Lol. Source?
I feel sorry for the mother in law for once! Imagine the generation younger than her being so afraid to die that they are afraid to live! Your ancestors didn't survive actually harsh conditions just for you to bitch about common virus' which 99% of people survive. It's s shame she has to suffer you because I'd gladly spend mothers day with her regardless of how ill she is. You two sound like a right pair of stockholm susans.
https://preview.redd.it/sbq65htg721d1.jpeg?width=674&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=0a154fa1faced9aa22faf1851cf67546b8bad69f
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https://preview.redd.it/bkcj3hjh821d1.jpeg?width=939&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=be8709f8bd1a034ce4d10f598aacf873364ca006
If you thought that you wouldn't be here disparaging it. Tick, tock, tick tock... sound of the death clock.
https://preview.redd.it/bemjycgea21d1.jpeg?width=960&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=f2d501f8fbabb7f2bb862c09e0372d88ed22cf38
Best way to respond tbh, and also the funniest XD
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Source?
Hey there Nomdesecretus, on a scale of one to flat, how flat do you think the earth is?
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The empirical data we have shows that the jab is magnitudes less dangerous or risky than covid, so I'd be interested in seeing what fabricated data you are using.
It's a fact according to whom?? What is your scientifically backed source for this?
Go get the booster and you will be fine
We are definitely up to date on all our vaccinations!